People Get Cold In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Respect Our Agreed Plans?
“I have been with my partner for over 1 year now. We work with different shift patterns, and as a result, it can be very difficult to plan anything.
This past Friday I wanted to have a lazy evening at home whilst he wanted to go out and drink with his friends.
He said he would be back at a certain time and when it was getting close to that time he messaged saying his friend bought him another drink. I told him “Babe it’s fine we’re not doing anything” so he could be there as long as he wanted. I was staying at home so it didn’t bother me at all.
Last night I’d managed to leave work earlier than usual. I told him this and he said he was going to meet one of his friends. We agreed he’d be back by 8:00 so we could then spend the rest of the evening together.
At 7:40 he says he’s finishing his glass and on his way. Our home is a 15-minute walk from where he was. It gets to 8:20 and I ask if he’s on the way and he says no he’s still there. I ask if he’s coming soon as we’d agreed to meet at 8:00 tonight.
This goes back and forth for a while with me trying to explain how I think it’s rude and disrespectful to move arrangements like that without asking the partner and him saying it is not a big deal that he wants to spend a few more hours with his friends.
He eventually comes home at 9:30.
I think if this was a once-off occurrence then I could agree. Plans change and things move. However, since we have met this has always been an issue. If we have agreed on a time to do something as a couple but he has gone out drinking with his friends before we’re supposed to meet, most of the time I will be the one who makes to wait until he’s finished and decides to come to see me.
Other examples: during the day I will suggest we go to the gym together as a couple. He will agree to it in the afternoon. Once he is off work, he’ll go drinking with his friends and then say to me “No I don’t want to go now I’m too tired”.
I feel if you agreed to go with me, you should stick by that and not cancel on your partner because you’ve been drinking with friends.
He mentions that I have done this to him as well. The last time I did this was c.
6 months ago. He says that is the same. Whilst I agree I should’ve gotten home sooner that night, I don’t agree that it is comparable given he does this every week at minimum and on occasion, multiple times a week. Yet he will use that one time to justify it every time he does it to me.
I’ve tried explaining to him that I feel like he is putting me as second best when he moves our plans to spend more time with his friends. It makes me feel as though I’m dispensable. He says “What I hate is that you make it an attack against you and that I don’t love you or respect you, rather than oh my partner is enjoying his night”.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He doesn’t respect you. That is the takeaway here. So, the real question is, why are you still together if all you are at this point are roommates? You seem to want a coequal relationship and he seems to want a roommate with benefits.
Sounds like you two are just on different pages.” PumpkinPowerful3292
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he doesn’t respect your time or seem to want to spend time with you. Does your partner have a heavy drinking problem? Who goes for drinks before the gym? This is happening multiple times a week?
Is he drinking every night? Is his need to drink affecting your relationship?” Yes-GoAway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And it’s telling that all these incidents of him not honoring agreed-upon commitments are caused by him routinely making his boys his biggest priority. This doesn’t sound like a sustainable partnership, sounds more like you’re a roommate with benefits whose expectations for maintaining emotional connection and commitment are not being matched by any serious attempts on his part.” Lhamo55
18. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Roommate's Groceries Anymore?
“I (19F) live in a two-bedroom apartment with my friend Stella (19F). We have been friends for years and decided to stay together in college (last year). I had a credit card for gas and emergencies. Occasionally after I got a good grade on a big test, I was allowed to use the credit card to go out for dinner.
This turned into a weekly thing with Stella because she didn’t like the food served at school. I ended up in trouble for how much money I would spend on Stella and myself.
This year, my credit card was taken away and my parents are putting money onto my debit card for groceries and gas every week.
They explicitly told me that the money I am given is for myself only. In the first week, our parents bought food for us to share. Stella’s parents weren’t going to be giving her money for anything, they told her to “figure it out”. It’s been almost 2 months of living here and I have gotten to the point of having to buy food every week.
At first, I would concede and buy Stella food too because she’s my friend. Now, I can’t afford to pay for groceries for 2 people. Because I would buy food for both of us, Stella assumed we were to cook together every night and share every meal.
A few days ago we got into an argument because I told her to decide what to cook for dinner. She refused. Stella doesn’t like to “make decisions”. I told her it was a one time thing because I was busy at the library. She ignored me for 45 minutes so I decided to eat with my sister.
Stella then called me a “total jerk” and said “Forget you” because I didn’t eat dinner with her. I told her that I would start acting like a jerk and stop paying for her groceries. After that, Stella acted like nothing had happened.
Today, she asked “What are WE having for dinner?” and “Are WE going to the store today?”, but I stayed quiet.
I asked my parents what to say to solidify the boundary that I was not going to be paying for Stella anymore. I sent her a message explaining that I’m not being given money to spend on her and that she needs to talk to her parents about getting the money out of her savings.
She then tried to tell me that people she knows have their roommates cook for them and no “normal person” only cooks for themself. I simply said, “I am not entitled to pay for your groceries just because I am your friend”. She accused me of spending my money on other things and DoorDash, which I haven’t used once this school year.
Her mom is sick and they have to pay for hospital bills. I am empathetic to the fact that they can’t give her a lot of money all the time, but they could give her the money SHE made over the summer so she can provide for herself while at school.
Her parents have expressed that they want her to move back home and drive the 40 minutes to classes every day. Stella said I basically “forced” her to live in the “most expensive apartments” so if she is so unhappy, then she can move back home.”
Another User Comments:
“What did Stella’s last slave die from? You have to cook for her because “no ‘normal person’ cooks for themself”. She’s demanding you shop for her. She’s demanding you buy for her. If I understand the timeline, Stella has had two months of you breaking your parents’ instructions about the money.
In other words, she’s had two months to come up with a plan for how to fund her groceries. Unfortunately, by ignoring your parents’ instructions, you’ve not just set a precedent but formed a habit. You’ve fed not just Stella, but her sense of entitlement.
But whilst you’ve not helped yourself with your prior generosity, NTJ” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“Stop spending your parent’s money on her. As a single mom with 2 kids in college, I would be highly PO’d if I found out my kids were having to share my money with their roommates.
If she can’t afford her food and her parents won’t send her money, then she needs to go find a job. It is NOT your fault she can’t afford food and she needs to get WE out of her head and realize it’s every man for themself from now on.
And who cares what other people do or what she thinks other people consider normal? If other roommates cook and meal plan together, you can bet it’s because everyone is pitching in to buy the food. You are NTJ. ” Imaginary-Nebula-923
Another User Comments:
“You are going to have to be the jerk now.
You have given away your parents hard hard-earned money without their permission just to not have the uncomfortable moment of confronting your entitled roommate. I find it strange that your parents are so heavily involved in your finances. Are they paying for your groceries, schooling, and housing?
If they are then you are seriously acting like you don’t realize the value of money. You have messed up in my opinion and yeah your roommate is a jerk but also seems like she might have some sort of mental disorder. Everyone is a jerk here!” EquipmentFriendly601
17. AITJ For Moving Out And Feeling Disappointed In My Mom's Inaction Against My Sister's Mistreatment?
“I (21f) lived with my mom and sister. After my parents got divorced, I got burnt out. My sister (20f) never supported me in this. She thought it was not real and that I was just overreacting. I went to therapy and my dad moved out of the house.
My sister can get very angry. She will scream and curse at people. She only does this with me and my mom. She has done this for as long as I can remember.
My sister still yells and verbally scolds people with the worst curse words you can think of.
She will also say very hurtful things that destroy someone’s character. Afterward, she never apologizes and just acts as if nothing happened. When I was young, I would always ignore it. I am at a point where I’m reaching my limit. Talking to my sister does not work.
She will not stop. I tried everything with her: conversations, fighting back, ignoring, etc.
I went to my mom to tell her that this is not something I can keep up with anymore. I asked for family therapy but my mom “forgot “ 2 times to ask my sister.
My mom says that me and my sister should solve this problem ourselves since we are adults and that my mom wants to stay neutral. I said to my mom that I feel like it is her responsibility to teach her child respect. My mom says that nothing works.
My sister studies in another place and has her room there. I told my mom that if my sister can’t be respectful to other people maybe my mom should set some boundaries. My mom says she can’t do that to her child. I said that she can.
Because my mom does not put any boundaries in her house, my sister scolds us both. My mom says she will stay neutral. I told her that in this case, setting no boundaries means accepting that I get bullied by her. I have had this conversation multiple times with my mom.
I have expressed I am very sad, hurt, and disappointed and I feel like my mom is considering my sister’s feelings more than me.
Every time we talk it ends up in an emotional debate about who is wrong or right. I do not understand my mom and she doesn’t agree with my point.
I tried everything with her. I decided to move out for some space and finally start university. After years of burnout, I felt a little better but this situation made me tired and doubt myself. My mom is crying every time. She is very sad I left. I got mad and told her that this was something she could have prevented. She says she cannot change the way I think about her.
I am getting very doubtful if I am seeing this wrong. And I feel very guilty for hurting her.
I am not talking to my sister but I am still so disappointed in my mom. My friends say my feelings are valid but I want some outsider’s perspective if I am being a jerk for feeling this way.
AITJ for feeling disappointed in my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your mom enabled your mistreatment Even if she was also a victim, she had the power to do something about it. You didn’t. Her enabling your sister exposed you to more trauma. Moving out was the best thing you could do, remain no contact with your sister.
Consider low contact with your mother.” I_wanna_be_anemone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom did not protect you and you felt unsafe in your own home. That is an untenable way to live and good for you to move out. Your mom is living with the consequences of her actions.
Tell her you will NOT be going around for coffee, if she wants to see you, you will meet her in a coffee house or someplace you can leave immediately if your sister shows up. Tell your mom her house is a nice, safe place for your abusive sister and her, and to enjoy all the fruits of choosing to make it that way.
Go no contact with your sister until she gets the help she needs.” RavenRaving
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, send your mother a text that unless it is a genuine emergency you will be no contact for a month. And abide by it. Don’t ask her for anything don’t reach out.
She is “sad” because she is stuck alone with the mistreatment she created. You gave her multiple opportunities to address what was going on she chose to stay neutral so now she gets to deal with what neutral entails. During your space period come up with your boundaries that you would be able to live with and be prepared to enforce them.” jeez
16. AITJ For Choosing My Maternal Family Over My Dad's Blended Family?
“My mom passed away when I (17m) was 5. My dad remarried when I was 8 and created a blended family with his wife and her two kids. Then they had two kids together, so I have step and half-siblings.
My mom’s family was a big part of my life for the first 6 years and then my dad and I fought because my dad had met his wife by then and he didn’t like their reaction to the news. Essentially, he wanted to invite them over for my grandparent’s yearly family BBQ and my grandparents didn’t want to include them.
They told him they couldn’t accept my mom’s replacement. He got mad at them for feeling that’s what he was doing and he told them they could forget about seeing either of us again. He tried to keep me from them but they filed for grandparents’ rights and Dad’s lawyer said they’d win so he said I could see them once every three months for 4 hours.
It was way less than I was used to but it didn’t stop me being close to them.
He invited them to his wedding and they didn’t come. It made him angry and then he got super weird about it and he suddenly started demanding invites again for his wife’s kids when I was invited and then when my half-siblings were born, he was including them in the attempt to force my family’s hands.
But they never invited them. They did ask me if I wanted them there and I said not really. So they didn’t change their mind. My dad always complained about them whenever my visits would come around. He hated that I went and my step and half siblings couldn’t.
He tried to tell me I should advocate for them all to be included. I never replied to him because it was easier not to.
Once I turned 14 he got worse with that stuff and he’d complain that I was calling and texting them and that I kept in touch more than once every three months.
He’d tell me they hated my siblings, that he didn’t want us to have our family. I told him that didn’t upset me or make me mad and it didn’t change that I wanted to see them.
The day I went back to school (senior year) my dad told me since I was graduating in May and I’d be 18, he needed to make it clear that I would need to choose.
Because I can’t keep spending time with people who refuse to include most of my family and he told me I’ll have to choose my family or “them”. I told him the “them” were my family and I’d choose them. He didn’t expect the answer.
He got angry and told me I should always choose siblings over extended family. Then he acted like I hadn’t given my answer because he told me when he and his wife threw me the graduation party that I wouldn’t be allowed to invite my mom’s side.
I told him he didn’t need to throw me one because they would and I’d made it clear my choice would be them. Dad told me that isn’t how it works. I told him it was because he gave the ultimatum and he needed to live with the consequences.
He accused me of twisting his words and disrespecting him by throwing that in his face.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I get the grandparent’s position here. The stepkids and the half-siblings aren’t their families. Those kids are OP’s family and the Dad’s family, but not the Maternal Grandparents of OP’s family.
So why should they have contact with them? If they do, that’s wonderful. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s a social expectation that they would.” DisgruntleFairy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs to accept your decision. One thing that floated through my mind as I was reading the comments.
18 is a significant age for parents. They can legally kick out their child(ren) from their house. Be aware of your father’s behavior as your year goes by. It seems he has become increasingly bitter towards your mom’s family. He could easily turn that bitterness towards you given your choice.
Just make sure you talk with them ahead of time about a place to stay if the worst happens.” ABCBDMomma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree with others here that your grandparents, in their grief from losing their daughter, were upset at having this new woman and her children thrust upon them.
That said, your dad has no sympathy for the grief you and your grandparents feel for the loss of your mother. If he wants to force you to choose, then choose your grandparents, who don’t try to manipulate you. He can no longer force you to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to.” armedwithjello
15. AITJ For Ignoring My Friend's Messages On My Day Off?
“Nat, my friend [23] had bought us plane tickets to another country for next year without telling us.
She has been wanting to do this for months, and we both kept telling her that we were uncomfortable with her paying for the entire thing (she does not work and her dad works at Papa John’s). She appears as if she doesn’t have the funds, and me and my other friend don’t.
Well, Nat bought the plane tickets and the motel room in the country anyway. I won’t get into too much detail about this, since it’s not the topic.
Anyway, we discussed last week that we needed to get the passport and so we originally planned to get them the upcoming Thursday.
It was also discussed that my other friend and Nat would go out on Tuesday to get the money orders for Thursday. After we made all these plans Nat decided to buy us movie tickets for that Thursday night. Then later, Nat brings up that she has an important exam on Thursday and that she’ll be late getting out of school, and thus, wouldn’t have time to get the passport.
We all agreed that we would still make it for Thursday for myself and my other friend, while Nat will get hers on a different day. So great, I can still have Tuesday for myself. I needed this day for my mental health so I was happy to stay home while Nat and my other friend got the money orders.
(I also work 12-hour shifts so I wanted this day). Well this morning, Nat started texting me multiple times asking if I could come with them today to get the money orders and then we can get the passports, that way all three can do it at the same time.
She tried to convince me to come by saying things like it wouldn’t take long and you could “go home” immediately after (which wasn’t going to happen cause she doesn’t hold onto her word). Now I know that a normal and mature response would be to tell her no and communicate.
However, this isn’t the first time that this has happened. She always asks me to hang out with her on my me days and then proceeds to get upset when I tell her no. So I didn’t want to deal with that and chose to ignore those messages.
I told my sisters about this and they started telling me that I should have gone today since Nat was buying us those tickets and taking us to a different country. They then told me that I was a bad friend for choosing not to do this for Nat and that it was the least I could do.
But I’ve had a bad time mentally for the past few weeks and desperately needed some time to myself. And I couldn’t take that me a day on Thursday since my friend had bought those movie tickets for us all. So I felt obligated to hang out with them on Thursday regardless.
I also couldn’t have another day afterward since after that I would be working all other days and have some stuff with my sisters I need to do. Tuesday was my only shot.
Am I being selfish and inconsiderate? Am I a bad friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it does sound like you may be a bit of a doormat. You’re letting this girl decide your vacation time, destination, and preparation. You do not have to kowtow to her when you did not consent to the purchase of the vacation. You don’t even have to go on vacation!
Let alone go on errands when she demands to! You are not being a bad friend by keeping your original appointment, she is being a bad friend by demanding everyone cater to her whims. You’re gonna need to grow a shinier spine so people don’t take advantage of you!” IAmTAAlways
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You should have texted back and said no. You should have put your foot down about Nat buying tickets to go to another country if you didn’t want to go/couldn’t afford to go in the first place. Just because she spent money she doesn’t have on a terrible decision doesn’t obligate you to go along with it.
I’ll never understand the whole “Well they already bought the thing, so I guess I’m obligated” thing. No. You’re NOT obligated. You didn’t demand she buy the tickets. You didn’t even *ask* her to buy the tickets. You don’t want to go. So don’t go.
With luck, it will be an excellent lesson in money management for Nat. Don’t spend money on things you can’t afford.” Nevermore_Novelist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend seems to believe she is entitled to rearrange your entire life to suit her whims. She isn’t.
You are not obliged to go on a trip unless you want to, even if your friend paid for tickets she couldn’t afford without your consent. You are not obliged to all get your passports at the same time. You are not obliged to immediately respond to texts.
Or to accept every invitation extended to you.” cheekmo_52
14. AITJ For Not Telling My Dad's Partner He's Having An Affair On Her?
“So my 18F parents got divorced in 2020 because my dad was unfaithful to my mom and said he wanted a “second wife”.
For some background, my dad is very manipulative. He wasn’t always like that though, he came from a financially unstable background and his family was poor. He then moved to the city we live in now for university, he excelled and now he’s pretty well off- like well off enough to have a collection of cars.
When he started to get his money up he became more manipulative and egotistical, if I opposed him he would threaten me with something (for example we had a fight and he threatened to pull me out of school because he felt like I was ungrateful).
Anyway, my dad left his affair partner Tammy after the divorce because “she didn’t know how to act right”. 2 years later he began seeing his now partner Tiana. Initially, my sister (16F) and I were reluctant to get close to her because my dad does this thing of forcing things onto us.
We were also scared of the possibility of us getting close to Tiana and then him being unfaithful to her and leaving her. Our dad introduced us to Tiana, and shortly after she started to live with us. My sister and I were at first upset about this because we didn’t know her but then accepted it.
They’ve now been together for almost 2 years and I’ve grown close to Tiana and her kids (4F) and (13M). my dad wanted us to become a blended family and we started to finally become that.
My sister and I planned to go out for dinner with our cousins Sam (19M) and Reneé (23).
My dad took my sister to this place where he hangs out with his friends, at this time I was on my way home from school. My sister’s phone died so she ended up watching YouTube videos on my dad’s phone, then she saw a notification from a woman named Bianca that said “Hi baby”.
She called me on my dad’s phone and we decided to snoop, so she went through the chats and found out that my dad had been unfaithful to Tiana.
To make a long story short, I’m not sure if I should tell Tiana about my dad being unfaithful.
I like her and have gotten close to her and her kids, but if I were her I’d want to know. But it would complicate things because my dad also bought the house she’s living in and is paying for her son’s school fees (he’s going to our school which is a private school).
The issue is that without my dad she won’t be able to afford it, I’m also scared that if I tell her about my dad will find out and either refuse to pay for my university fees next year or find a new way to force me to do what he wants.
I don’t want to put myself and Tiana in a vulnerable position, but I also hate that my dad continuously disrespects women and uses his money to maintain power over them. So AITJ for not telling Tiana the truth. Any advice would be so appreciated”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ There are no right answers for you in this situation. Whatever you decide, you will not be a jerk. Yes, in an ideal world, you would tell Tiana, but this assumes that there is no blowback on you. It might be worth finding out what the custody clause in your parents’ divorce decrees says about child support and paying for college.
If your mom’s lawyer was smart, it would include a clause about requiring him to pay for college. If that’s the case, then the blowback on you might not be an issue. Regardless, I would play this one safe and stay out of your father’s love life.
Once you are financially independent, you can start limiting your contact with him. In the meantime, your sister and you should both consider grey rocking him.” GreekAmericanDom
Another User Comments:
“How old are you? Stay out of your father’s mess. He plants destruction and leaves a trail of hurt and desperation….
You may be sorry for Tiana but you and your sister need to look after yourselves… Tiana will be another one betrayed, hurt, and abandoned by your father. This is his MO. But while Tiana will probably get out of your father’s manipulation, it seems like you and your sister are in there for a while longer.
That’s why try to mend your stability if this is at all possible. Do not get in the middle unless you want to be dragged in the whirlwind of your father, manipulator in chief. NTJ.” Artistic_Thought7309
13. AITJ For Evicting My Twin Sister After Hearing Her Hurtful Comments?
“I 25 (f) and my twin sister also 25 (f) have been inseparable since birth.
We loved doing everything together and often matched outfits even just to stay at the house, we just enjoyed doing everything. But with age, we developed some more sense of self and realized that we had two different aesthetics and personalities. I enjoyed pastels and many girly things while my sister enjoyed black and grunge styles I always loved her style and very much admired it.
She wasn’t very fond of mine but she still supported me as much as she could. When we were little we also made pretty much an oath that we would live together when we were of age to move out, and we were dead serious about it too we had our parents write out a contract and everything.
When we were about to go to college we talked about it and we still wanted to follow through with our vow and rented a 2 bedroom apartment. Now the problem arises when it comes to the decor we chose.
I bought most of the furniture and necessities because I made a higher salary than her.
I bought my decorations and even bought her some because I knew that she didn’t have the money to decorate and I knew she wouldn’t feel at home in a pastel-dominated color pallet. Now fast forward about 5-6 months her partner moves in and they seem genuinely happy together but after a few months of that arrangement I hear them arguing.
Now this is where I may have been at fault because I’m very nosy but I don’t go around airing out people’s business though especially not my sisters. But anyway I heard her partner yelling at her about her throwing away my things, which I hadn’t known about until now.
I wasn’t angry but I was upset because I paid for it but also I might be overthinking it. But then I heard my sister say how she hated my aesthetic and it got on her nerves. Then I hear her talking about how I look like the type of girl who would’ve bullied her in high school.
Although that made me mad I didn’t get truly mad until she said that she wished that she was an only child and that she wished that she had eaten me in the womb. I immediately got sick to my stomach and went to my room.
I cried because I had looked up to her my whole life and had never had anything negative to say about her style and offered as much support as I could and all the understanding in the world and I felt deeply betrayed by what she had said.
After a week or 2, I found a lawyer who printed out an eviction notice that I had put on my sister a door. I stayed at a friend’s house for the following few days. My phone was blowing up from calls and social media messages from her and my family who had all sided with her because I was acting ‘immature and childish’ as my aunt put it, but I’m not changing my mind about this because our bond had meant so much to me and she had just shattered it.
So I need to know am I being unreasonable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking your sister to leave the house, but you are YTJ for doing this without talking to her in person or allowing her to provide context to her hurtful comments. It’s understandable though, as I could imagine how hurt and betrayed you must be, especially when your twin sister wishes you were dead.
But for the sake of family peace it may be worth explaining why you took the course of action you did – you needed to set firm boundaries with your sister at this stage in your life and where she hurt you- but apologizing for how you delivered this message.
The situation sucks and I feel for you, especially with how unsupportive your family sounds. But ultimately it depends on whether you want these family members in your life or not.” SlightQuality1457
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Not being unreasonable, your sister did break the bond, you didn’t.
She is the one who threw out your things, said all the hurtful things and you both need to calmly admit that the two of you are no longer compatible anymore and that’s it. Your family wants you to give in under some nonsense twin fantasy that you two should stay together, well your sister blew that up.
Tell your family it would be best if you two didn’t live together so you both can be yourselves without being in the shadow of the other which seems to be the main point of conflict. Maybe later with time and space, you two can come to a reconciliation in the future, but I don’t think that now is that time.
So, yeah NTJ, proceed with the eviction and hope for the best for the future of you two. Good luck.” PumpkinPowerful3292
Another User Comments:
“Genuinely, I think she may be jealous of *you*. No one does that and says that for no reason, but those were words out of anger, not honesty.
Still hurts just the same, but it seems there may be an untold resentment. You may have looked up to her, but maybe she felt inferior to you. I would imagine it’s incredibly hard being a twin and constantly getting compared by everyone.” SheHasCake
12. AITJ For Asking My Ex-Partner To Leave My House For My Birthday Party?
“Okay so basically for a little backstory, I (17f) broke up with my partner (18m) about a month ag. It didn’t go bad but it didn’t go good. He has been living with my dad for over a year now and I told him after we broke up that I wouldn’t kick him out because I know he can’t get a house easily (due to the long waiting lists we have in the UK right now) and because he doesn’t have a job but I told him that he can stay here and get on his feet a bit.
Me and my dad have tried helping him a decent amount but no matter what we say or do it’s like he doesn’t consider it, and recently I’ve been struggling with him being here. Not because I still have feelings for him because that’s the reason we broke up but because it seems he doesn’t have any plans on moving forward and the fact that he can be passive-aggressive with me.
For example, I was speaking with my youngest sister (6f) and my ex came in to talk to me so I told my sister to give me a second but if anyone has younger siblings or young kids you know how they can be when they want your attention.
As he was trying to speak to me my sister kept repeating my name but I was looking at my ex and told him to continue speaking, instead of doing so he muttered under his breath “Never mind” and slammed the door on his way out of the room.
Of course, there are other instances but that’s the most recent one.
Now onto the part where I’m not sure if I’m the jerk or not. So it’s my birthday in two days and I want to invite my friends over this weekend and there will be about 6 people there may be more and the majority of them despise my ex due to past events (which I don’t blame them for) and even though we’ve broken up I don’t want anything happening between them all.
So I asked him to go stay at his dad’s for the weekend while I had this celebration. He got annoyed at me and said “Is this why you don’t want to go to the cinema with me?” (He had asked if I wanted to go to the cinema with him for my birthday and I declined because I thought he could use the money he has for other things). I explained that it wasn’t the reason I declined and that they were on different days.
He then just stared at me, grabbed some pancakes I had made, and before leaving said in an angry tone “That’s not a nice feeling.” And slammed the door on his way out again. My dad spoke to me after and asked what happened and I explained it all and my dad just hugged me and told me it’ll be okay.
I then went into my sister’s room and cried. I feel bad because I told him I wasn’t gonna make him leave but I don’t want issues to happen during the event and I also don’t want him there because previously he has made the mood of events bad and I want this one to be happy.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Frankly, I think he has the fantasy of coming back together. If you are nonconfrontational, ask your dad to help you with a deadline. It’s his house. Therefore, he calls the shots. It’s time for him to grow up and do what it takes to live alone.
At the moment, he doesn’t feel the need to do the growing up. Good luck and strength UpdateMe” ChapterPresent4773
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for the situation you’re in. But in some way, there is a little blame on you for continuing to keep your family in this situation.
Also on your dad for not stepping in and telling him to leave, speak to your dad and make a plan. If he is cursing and being passive-aggressive in front of your younger sister, that needs to change straight away. Get him out of your house.
If not for your safety and well-being. Then do it for your little sister. I think a lot of your hesitation comes from fear of his bad reaction to being asked to leave. I know that is scary to think of, but it needs to happen.
He needs to leave. His well-being is no longer your responsibility. You allowed him to get on his feet and find another place. He didn’t do that. That’s on him. Get him out.” Wattlebuff24
11. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Locked-Out Roommate By Sending My Partner?
“I (20f) do not get along with my roommates (18-19f). They tend to gang up on me and blame me for things because they are all friends and they treat me as if I am stupid.
I fight back so now we all mostly ignore each other.
Another thing is I usually spend most of my time at my partner’s (20m) place. But this is only because of how much I cannot stand my roommates. Sometimes if I have to collect things from my room or get a package my partner will come with me and wait.
But the last time this happened my roommates (who were all home) approached him and started asking him why he was seeing me of all people and just being passive-aggressive overall. They said things “Oh you guys just don’t look that good together” and “I never would’ve guessed you two would ever be together” or “I can imagine you with x type of girl, not her.” One was being super touchy as well.
Maybe I’m overreacting but I was uncomfortable and my partner got bad vibes as well so now he waits in the car.
Anyway, I was at work when one roommate called. I was confused because that never happens but well I answered and she told me that she lost her key and had been locked out of the house.
She wanted me to let her in. I explained to her that I was at work and she suggested I hand the key over to my partner and have him open the door for her. I said to ask someone else.
She said everyone else is busy.
I said I am too. She said “I bet your partner isn’t” and I said “Well he is, ask one of your friends instead of bothering me” and then hung up. Well apparently she was locked out till 10 pm (no I didn’t check up on her because I didn’t care) and when I went back home the other day that roommate and one other were annoyed with me.
They said that they couldn’t believe I’d let a young girl stay out all night and that I needed to put my ego aside for things like this. They also accused me of not trusting my partner being insecure and having an unstable relationship.
I told them that there were 5 other girls and 2 of them had partners too, she could’ve asked them, especially since they’re all such good friends. But she changed the topic back to me wanting her to stay out all night and possibly get hurt.
Which is ridiculous, I genuinely don’t care.
I told her to get over herself and that she could’ve waited at a cafe or a library or school (everything 5 minutes away and open till 11 pm) instead of trying to make a scene and wait outside for 5 hours just because my partner wouldn’t come open the door for her.
She then asked if I even asked him but I just left.
Anyway, my other roommates think I’m horrible (more than before) and that I’m petty and not a “girl’s girl.” I didn’t respond to their messages. I have to stay at my house for two days straight next week so I’m just wondering if maybe I am the jerk here.
If so I will apologize. But otherwise, I can deal with their nonsense. AITJ? If it matters my partner was in fact busy but said he wasn’t gonna go either way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Funny how none of her good friends would help her out in her time of need. Poor her having suffered the consequence of having lost her key.
I love the part where you aren’t a girl’s girl. Like they are? No, you don’t need to apologize. Maybe next time she’ll call someone who cares.” SnooBunnies7461
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your roommates sound awful. She was trying to get your partner alone to make him uncomfortable again.
I’m sure he would have been honorable and not given in to her inappropriate behavior, but it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to be in that situation. I’m glad you didn’t ask him. She probably thought up the scenario just to try it.
They sound manipulative so I wouldn’t put it past them. Get out of there soon, before they ruin your belongings.” Louise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her to get bent, and the rest of them too. I’d use their toothbrushes as toilet bowl cleaners.
That reminds me, watch your back in that place, especially your toothbrush. Oh, and it was never about the key; she wanted to get in your partner’s pants or at least badmouth you. Good thing they were too dumb to play nice before trying that stunt.” thepatriot74
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Our Kids On My Wife's Work Trip?
“My (M36) wife (F36) is a physician who works in the ER and has a very stressful job. I work from home for an IT company.
We have two kids: A 3-year-old boy and an 11-month-old baby girl. Because of her work hours and stressful job, I’m taking the workload of taking care of the kids. The boy goes to daycare while I watch the baby all day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the baby and breakfast and dinner for the boy.
I also bathe them both and do bedtime with the boy.
Recently, my wife got an opportunity to go to California for a medical conference and I told her that she could go alone if she wanted and it could be a nice break for her..
but she insisted on us all going. She said she doesn’t need to go but it will be a fun trip and she can use that time for a trip as it won’t be part of her PTO.
Now, I would rather her be home to help me with the kids but she was so excited to visit as she’s never been there.
I insisted on her going alone. It will be less stressful for her. She can explore after conference hours. It will suck for me but at least we’ll be in a controlled area which is our house. There’s space, all their toys, kitchen, my desk with a monitor setup, etc. as opposed to the ‘vacation’ where we’ll be cramped in a Hilton hotel room.
The kids have never slept in the same room. Not only do we have to worry about taking strollers and car seats with us on the flight (which I’ll be doing since it will be too heavy for my wife) we also have to carry two kids.
We have to make sure there are two cribs in the hotel room, a functioning freezer for my wife’s breastmilk, and activities for my toddler boy since what is he going to do in a hotel room all day while his mom is at a conference and his dad is taking care of a baby while making zoom calls to work.
I’ve begged my wife to reconsider this but she said she’ll take some conference days off or she’ll leave early if things are overwhelming for me since it will be down the street from the hotel that we’ll be staying at.
And I don’t know, I’m so exhausted lately that I just gave in and agreed to the trip. But now I’m rocking the baby at midnight and I’m just fuming that I’m not only watching the baby and the boy during the weekend (she has a weekend call at work that she signed up for because it’s extra money) I’m also rocking the baby back to sleep.
I angrily texted my wife that when we went on the trip. You have to stay up all night to rock the baby or contact the baby in her arms while you stay up all night. She felt really bad and said that she’d swap with me..
but she has work tomorrow and I don’t so I said it’s fine. But I can tell I made her feel like a jerk and I feel bad about that.. but at the same time, I don’t know if I’m being a jerk.
Am I being one?”
Another User Comments:
“I am feeling your pain. Don’t go on the trip. Whatever fantasy your wife has about how fun it will be for her is a fantasy and it is operating at your expense. You and your wife need to have some time alone together with someone else watching the kids discuss how your household is running.
Then go out to dinner or do whatever you do for fun because you are both at the end of your rope- especially you. Hang in there. Say no to the trip. NTJ” Dwinxx2000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s never traveled with her kids and it shows.
Unless you can both have 24/7 with the kids on a vacation, it’s smart to get another (paid) set of hands, especially if the littlest is a fitful sleeper. Show her this post. Don’t do this to your kids OR yourself. She might feel guilty about going away for a few days, but at least she won’t wear all 4 of you entirely out for a whim and turn it into something completely unenjoyable.” BeckyDaTechie
Another User Comments:
“I’m married to an ER doctor too, so I get how you feel. Sometimes it’s like you can never complain or be tired because their job is so overwhelmingly taxing both physically and mentally. Honestly, you guys should look into things you can outsource.
I’ve never had a maid in my life, and we just got one. Game changer. Your wife’s travel plans sound delicious. She probably feels guilty and sad that she misses out on a lot, but this isn’t the answer. You can’t work remotely while watching two kids in a hotel room.
The only way this may work is if you bring a third adult like a grandparent or nanny. Hope you guys can talk this out.” AdventurousSalad3785
9. AITJ For Cutting Off My Family After They Kept Bringing Up My Past Mistakes?
“I’ll (33m) hold myself accountable and admit when I was younger I did some awful things to my family (stealing mostly) and I was arrested when I was 17 for my behavior. This started when I was maybe 13/14. I took cash, gaming consoles, and my parent’s car (which is what got me arrested).
I was very angry during this period of my life and I also yelled at cursed at them a lot. When I was arrested I didn’t see them again for over a decade. At the time I was still so angry, pretty sure my last words for over a decade to them were I hoped they’d go to some terrible place or something like that.
Getting arrested was the best moment of my young life.
Before I started stealing I had some other issues. Undiagnosed ADHD meant I had a poor attention span and ability to stay still. It embarrassed my family who gave me a very hard time. My parents were always correcting me, my siblings were always saying they didn’t want to be seen with me.
I got yelled at on a daily for not being normal. My siblings started making stuff up. I took their toy (when I hadn’t) or I’d spilled something intentionally (again, hadn’t). They’d blame me for something they did (broken glass) and back each other up.
They joined some other kids in calling me a weirdo because I was so all over the place. My parents never believed me. They’d tell me I was “too out of control” for them to take my word for anything. Eventually, I got so angry that I started doing bad stuff and wanted to get back at them for all of this.
In 2021 after 13 years I made contact again with them for the first time. I reached out and apologized for my behavior. I told them I wanted to have a relationship with them again but if they weren’t interested I would understand. Five months later I got a reply from my parents who said after talking it over everyone wanted me back in the family.
I was already married to my wife at that point which surprised them. I apologized again in person. I showed them I had changed and was sorry.
But they keep bringing up the past and telling others what I did. Or cracking jokes about not accepting gifts or watching your wallet around me.
It’s been a constant thing. My wife called them out on it and she told them if they were agreeing to forgive me and move forward all that bad stuff should be left behind. They said it doesn’t mean they lose the right to bring it up.
She said they were trying to humiliate me with it. I told them I’d like for them to stop bringing it up. That it was difficult to move forward if that was thrown out to put me on the spot. I also reminded them a lot of stuff my siblings mentioned was stuff they made up.
They acted like it didn’t matter. Which was what led me to decide this. My wife and I talked, because we’re expecting a baby, and it’s just not a good environment for our child.
My family is upset that I told them I will no longer accept any invites from them and it’s best we stop forcing this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think forgiveness and change are possible, and I also can hold a grudge. Being an adult means being able to figure out what you can forgive for and what you can move forward from. Your family was welcome to not accept your apologies, to limit contact, to take a long time to heal and forgive, and I would even understand if they had moments where they got upset again and wanted to talk about what you did.
BUT, they don’t get to bring it up all the time, make jokes about it, and put you down about it. That’s not a way to heal and move on, and it appears they were happy to have you back more to put you in your place than to be a family again.
You deserve to move on and be treated with dignity and respect. I hope you continue to be proud of yourself and the life you have built, and that you can close this chapter knowing you tried with your family and that you luckily have a wife by your side and are building your own family.” fruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Can I just send you a big Internet Mama hug right now? You are doing great. Look at everything you have figured out, and how hard you have worked to change. Congratulations on finding a lovely partner, she sounds so supportive, and big congratulations on expecting.
You are doing all the right things, focusing on your family unit and the well-being of everyone, especially your new child. Sounds like you have matured and they haven’t, and it’s hard work to change behavioral patterns, they would have to want to change for it to be successful.
Go live your very best life. I imagine you will be great parents with how you are prioritizing things.” CarlaThinks
8. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Christmas With My Irresponsible, Freeloading Sister?
“My sister is much, much older than I am… say 17 years older than I. My first memories are of her being unable to fend for herself in the early 1990s when she and her husband constantly asked my mom for money.
She would have been able to fend for herself, but she had my mom pay full ride for all four years in pilot school — then my sister decided she didn’t want to fly for a living.
So she was broke. My sister married a popular guy with rich parents and my mom threw her a $50k wedding… dude ended up being a substance user (his brother cut him off in 1995).
He never could get a real job. My mom and his parents floated them financially since my earliest memories…
Ok, skip ahead my sister divorced him from her first husband. She moved to a new city, got a new job and a new husband, and had a kid.
Then she divorced that guy and moved into my mom’s house in the new city. She got a decent job. My mom paid 30% for a new house for her after the divorce… so my sister moved out of my mom’s house and went into her own house.
Where she promptly quit going to work (she hadn’t been since she moved back in with mom), stopped making all payments for her house, stopped making all payments for her car, lost her job, her house, her car that my mom paid for and then moved back in with me.
This whole time I’m living with her, I’m in high school. She’s got her daughter there. She’s having strange men from the bar have very loud interactions in her room. She’s too lazy to go outside to smoke. She’s using substances.
(To be fair, I was also using substances in high school so she’s not like using substances around an innocent helpless teenage me.) She’s working at Domino. All of this began in her late 30’s and stayed happening for 17 years.
She crashed every one of my mom’s cars.
She crashed at least one of the cars my mom gave her. She hoarded so much that professionals had to be called into her room twice. The floors had to be replaced in the house on my mom’s dime because she refused to house-train her dogs.
During this, my mother is becoming senile in her late 70’s unable to retire because she’s supporting her 52-year-old daughter and granddaughter.
The whole time my sister never paid any bills. She screamed at the top of her lungs most of the time at everyone.
She screamed so much my mother’s heart would act up and she’d need to lay down. She worked the absolute minimum at Domino to get clothes and gifts for her daughter. She pretended for 7 years to be working on a degree only to bomb every single interview and never get a real job.
I called it, suddenly, just before my mom’s granddaughter moved out, my sister got a real job. Just before she had no leverage from her daughter.
So, I won’t do Christmas with her with my new finance. I don’t ever want to be around her again.
I imagine there’s mess everywhere, smoke smells from my sister’s bedroom, my mom is going senile and is frail, and my sister is screaming at her multiple times per day (for 17 years) about the money she needs or shouldn’t pay… I can’t stand it.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. However, sadly for many years, your mom has been enabling her. This is not your problem, but you are surely right in not wanting to have anything to do with her.” swadsmom2023
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your mother enabled her but you don’t have to.” Individual_Metal_983
7. AITJ For Quitting My College Soccer Team Due To Poor Management And Schedule Conflicts?
“I think I already know the answer to this post. It is my last semester in college, and I have been looking for something to get me in shape that I will enjoy. A good fit I thought would be the soccer team on campus, which has four practices a week along with games.
Pretty intense, but I enjoy soccer as a former rec player and hoped it would help me get into even better shape. Well, a few weeks ago when it came time for sports physicals, myself and a few other students showed up to an empty gym.
The coach had changed the date and time through an email to previous players but failed to update the newcomers. The next week, the same happened with the two tryout dates. I should have known that this was a bad omen about the team’s organization and probable short roster, but I tried out and made the team anyway.
For two weeks I have been going to every practice, with less than a full team showing up concurrently.
Due to the program I am in, I have clinical sessions that took priority over games/practices for three weeks. The coach knew about my schedule crunch and made it clear that education comes first. He still had me play.
This week was the first game I could not make due to these clinical sessions, and the game had to be canceled because only 8 players could make it. On the app that the coach uses for team updates, our roster only shows 12 people. Even with a substitution, it would be difficult to get even the minimum for a full game of soccer in general. Another game later this week shares the same dilemma of only 9 players confirmed to be going.
My classmate who was on the team last year said it was the same. I was fully prepared for this season of soccer to be treated as more of a workout, with me being more of a benchwarmer at my skill level. It seems I was wrong, and I just have no desire to play 15 games over the next few months with a shorthanded team each time.
I decided to let the coach know I would not be able to participate. With my schedule, on top of the management of the team, I felt it would take an unnecessarily stressful load off of my plate. I was also having problems with reaching full-time credits (my program is full-time but “part-time” in terms of credits).
I decided to use that as my primary reason (despite not being entirely true), telling my coach that I had my last prereq. Credit completed and would no longer be able to reach “full-time” status to play on the team. He messaged back and said nothing could be done, and the team was already short-handed so they did not need this.
I wrote back and apologized again and thanked him for a good season, which was met with the same. I can’t help but feel bad about letting the team down, but another part of me thinks that I should not have to be the glue that holds the team together for a successful season.
Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Only because you never played on a collegiate team and only joined to have fun/work out and you knew it was intense but decided to join anyway. College sports takes dedication and time which you didn’t have.
You should have never joined but at least you quit instead of just making more excuses and not playing” WickedAngelLove.
Another User Comments:
“This seems fake. Even the D-tier colleges in my small town can fill their sports teams. I played competitive soccer until I was sixteen and the people on the college teams were way better than me.
If you’re talking about an actual competitive team everyone’s a jerk because the coach sounds incompetent but it also sucks for you to make their situation worse. If it’s just a recreational thing then you do you. I once played on a team like that where we would have the bare minimum amount of people to play more often than not…it sucked playing 8 v 11, every game was hopeless and we had no morale.
In that case, I don’t blame you for leaving and everyone else on the team should just give up.” nonamepeaches199
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The truth is that your coach’s early mismanagement has jeopardized the team and is impacting the roster. It is his responsibility solely to field and complete the team.
You run the risk of injuring yourself by playing too many games. Your education comes first, do not fall back and inhibit yourself because of this, you can get workouts in other ways. However, maybe the team can unite and help recruit new players so this issue stops.
I’m sure some of the people who missed practices because of the disorganization or friends will want to play.” Dense_Island_5120
6. AITJ For Not Understanding My Friend's Reaction To Her Estranged Father's Death?
“A few weeks ago my (F36) best friend (F36) reached out panicking because her dad was in the hospital for some sort of heart failure.
Now, her dad was not a good person. She cut all ties with him when she turned 18. A few years ago she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (and depression). Recently she was diagnosed with being on the spectrum and with ADHD.
When she told me about his passing I wasn’t too sure how to react but was trying to be supportive and listen to her.
Her texts made it sound like she was very worried and I thought that maybe she wanted to see him before it was too late.
She then literally told me that I was not doing what she expected of me. She didn’t care about her dad, she never wanted to see him again, she only wanted to know if she was going “to have to go back to that godforsaken house”.
I was hurt by her text because I felt I was trying to be supportive. So I tried to explain and also I couldn’t guess what she wanted solely based on her texts. I said I didn’t think she needed to go to his house if she didn’t want to.
And added that even though she doesn’t care about her dad, her brother does, and he will need her when the time comes.
She didn’t respond to that so I thought she was upset and decided to leave her space. After a while, I reached out again which I was afraid of doing because I could feel it not going well.
I asked if she was upset and I wasn’t sure where it went wrong but I never meant to hurt her and that I was very sorry. She took a few days to respond and today she sent a nasty text.
She told me that she wasn’t upset but very angry.
1 because I was telling her again how to live her life. 2 because her dad passed and now her half-siblings (whom she never talks about) are going to fight over the will. 3 because I didn’t read her texts attentively to read between the lines. 4 I don’t know what her life in that house was so I cannot understand.
5 No, my words don’t have “the power to upset people” + summarized things that I did wrong. 6 She just spent time and energy responding to someone like me.
When I read that I thought I was going to be sick. I have been crying all day.
I didn’t ask about her dad because I naively thought she’d tell me. I also was scared of asking because I didn’t want her to react negatively. This whole time it felt like waking up on eggs. I wasn’t sure what to do and genuinely thought she needed a supportive ear.
I haven’t replied to her yet. I feel like her text was mean and uncalled for. Never in my life have I ever spoken to someone like that. I feel like I’m not allowed to have flaws. My cautiousness wasn’t good enough. I feel so awful I never want to speak to another human again for fear that I’m going to say the wrong thing or be disappointing.
I messed up.
My husband thinks she’s emotionally unstable and is taking her anger and sadness on me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is correct. I think your options are to send her a strongly worded text that says you understand that this is a trying time and that she is having feelings that she doesn’t know how to process, but that you are not going to allow her to take it out on you, and that she can reach out when she’s ready to talk, or you can block her.
I understand that those feelings are hard to verbalize, but she still doesn’t get to just mistreat you.” Flat_Bumblebee_6238
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did your best, and your friend didn’t communicate her expectations to you in any reasonable kind of way.
You’re right, that text was mean and it was uncalled for. She shouldn’t have said those things. And at the very least, even if your response wasn’t flawless, she should have been clear about what she needed from you. You can’t possibly just know what she needs by “reading between the lines.” That sounds like a cop-out to me anyway.
It sounds like you did the best you could to be a supportive and compassionate friend, and it’s not fair that she’s taking all these things she’s been feeling out on you.” PeculiarDandelion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ People respond differently to grief.
I had a friend tell me that she almost didn’t want to tell me her dad passed. In that case, she was close to her parents and so was I. She had some jealousy about the fact that he liked me and treated me like a daughter (she had brothers but no sisters).
I had no idea about her jealousy until after he passed. It was kind of a double whammy finding out about her jealousy at the same time as finding out her dad had passed. Like you, I had no idea how to react. I sent flowers to the family with a handwritten letter and that made her mad, too, that I included her family and didn’t just send them to her.
I felt like I couldn’t win. In my case, our friendship didn’t recover. Given your friend’s diagnosis, she may or may not get past this, but either way, it’s not your actions but hers that are causing this tension. Give her space and see if she sorts this out herself, but you are NTJ.” RightLocal1356
5. AITJ For Telling My Autistic Son His Crush Has A Partner?
“My son Caleb is 17 and just started his junior year of high school. He’s autistic and has successfully re-integrated back into the general ed student body after being in special ed since he was in elementary school. We’re very proud of him as despite his challenges, he’s a smart kid.
He’s known Kelsey (16F) since his freshman year (she’s also a junior). She’s a very nice and very pretty girl, and Caleb has always referred to Kelsey as his partner. While I know Kelsey enjoys hanging out with Caleb, I can tell that she doesn’t feel the same way about him.
Shortly after the school year began, Kelsey confided in me that she had a partner whom she began seeing earlier this summer. He’s a classmate of Caleb’s and they get along okay, but at the same time, they’re not friends who hang out together outside of school.
Kelsey has told me that she doesn’t know how to tell Caleb that she has a partner because she still wants to be his friend, but she worries that things might be awkward between Caleb and her partner. But she also worries that Caleb will be very hurt once she tells him.
I told her that I’d talk to him. She said that she wanted to be the one to tell him, but I felt like it would be better if I were the one to tell him.
So the other day I sat Caleb down and explained that I knew he liked Kelsey, but she doesn’t think of him as anything more than a friend, that she had a partner and said who he was, and that he was making both of them uncomfortable and needed to respect their boundaries.
Caleb didn’t react well to this at all. The next day Caleb told me that he and Kelsey had a big argument because Kelsey never told him that she had a partner and that he didn’t know he was making them uncomfortable and wished she would have told him.
Caleb is mad at her for lying to him. I explained that she wasn’t lying but she wasn’t sure how to tell him.
Later that day, Kelsey called me and berated me, saying that I had no right to tell Caleb because she was planning to, and that she never said anything about Caleb making them uncomfortable or violating their boundaries because he wasn’t.
But she told me that I was violating her boundaries by telling Caleb something that wasn’t my place to tell him and that I had gotten a lot of details incorrect.
Now, Caleb is mad at Kelsey and not talking to her. Kelsey is telling me that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that she still wants to be his friend, and meanwhile, her partner doesn’t even understand why Caleb is so upset.
Her parents are also angry at me and say that I ruined what was once a very nice friendship.
I will admit that I did tell Caleb that Kelsey felt uncomfortable and that he needed to respect her boundaries, but I felt like it was the only way to make Caleb understand that he could not continue calling Kelsey his partner.
My husband says I did the right thing, and that Caleb needs to forget about Kelsey and focus on his schoolwork. But I’m not sure that I did the right thing.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You went against Kelsey’s wishes when she asked you to allow her to talk to Caleb. While you might have been forgiven for trying to look out for your son and having a discussion about misinterpreting platonic interest for romantic interest, that is not what happened. You lied. You attempted to sabotage his relationship by blaming him for being inappropriate and trying to force him to separate himself from the friendship. You were unfair on Kelsey and unfair on your son. ” pluvio_fille
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for telling him first even though Kelsey specifically told you not to. I get that you thought you were “doing the right thing” and that it would be better this way, but you were wrong about that based on how it turned out.
Kelsey said it would go better if she was the one to tell him, and she was right.” puntacana24
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and not as gently as others are offering. You betrayed Kelsey’s trust and went behind her back to tell your son, then you double back-flipped to betray more trust by lying about Kelsey feeling uncomfortable. You made this whole big mess for no reason.
I could understand if you had said something to Caleb first to prepare him, but you lied to him in a way that made him feel worse than he would have. Why cause so much drama? ” Purple_Bowling_Shoes
4. AITJ For Asking My Muslim Sister-In-Law To Adjust Her Prayer Habits In Our Shared Home?
“I (32M) have been with my partner (30F) for a few years. One of our major hiccups is on the topic of religion. I grew up in a strict Christian sect and left that religion in my teenage years; today, I am agnostic and do not believe in the idea of the Abrahamic God.
My partner is a somewhat faithful Muslim who fasts once a year, prays in her mind, and performs no rituals in front of me — that is the person I got to know and the person I fell in love with. I live in a small apartment and half a year ago my partner and her sister moved into my apartment due to losing their apartment.
Her sister is a more strict Muslim; she wears a hijab and prays her mandatory prayers. When she prays she puts on a full body covering piece of cloth and then prays with her prayer mat. She does not eat anything she does not know is halal. So in my country, there exist specific shops that might sell halal meat, but I usually shop in a normal grocery store that does not sell that.
#Issue
My partner knows very well about my trauma from growing up in a strict religious context. I have expressed my feelings of anxiety when I see her sister praying in my vicinity. I try to respect her sister, and honestly, I feel her sister trying to respect me as well by going to a different room (there is not enough to have a private room unfortunately).
But my partner keeps trying to make me adjust my shopping habits to fit her sister’s diet when we cook food. I suggested that we just let her sister know if the food is halal or not, so then her sister can make her food (which I am paying all for and without asking anything back).
There is a mosque just three minutes away from our apartment, I suggested to my partner that I have a dialogue with her sister about my feelings and ask her to go there a few times to take the load off of me. I even said that I was not demanding anything, I was asking for compromises and mutual respect’s way of life and feelings.
My partner regrets me even asking that, as she expresses that this would let her sister know my true feelings about religion — which she would rather not her family know about.
It is one of those things we are struggling with in our relationship — her relatives’ take on not accepting a non-Muslim husband to her.
Our children would be “illegitimate” and our marriage would be illegitimate in their eyes.
Please, I am looking for advice on how I can continue searching my mind for how I can deal with this situation. I think that I would be okay with the situation as is, but I really deep down feel sad about not being able to be my true self around my partner, and this feeling is amplified in the vicinity of her sister/family as they are more religious and the family ties are super important for my partner due to her cultural background.
I will try to respond to any questions.”
Another User Comments:
“This will never work. You will end up fighting and resentful, and that is no way to live. You have two choices, and neither is good. You can pretend to be someone you are not around her family.
OR You could convert to Islam. Either choice sucks. End the relationship now before it gets any worse. And what about if you have children? Do you think your partner and her family will allow you any say in their religious upbringing or lack thereof?
Run away now, unless you are agreeable to raising your future children in your partner’s religion.” bbaywayway
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in. You say you’re asking for compromises when you’ve already admitted she goes in another room away from you when she prays. It’s inhumane to ask her to pray outside.
I agree with other people saying that you have religious incompatibility but the question is if you’re the jerk and I think it is very jerkish to suggest that. Of course, I am just a Christian and realize my view of things is going to be very different, but don’t make her feel like she has to pray outside.
I hope you seek healing because you really shouldn’t live like that.” porcelain_beauty
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. How about taking yourself out of the house regularly during one of the prayer times? Schedule something, even if it’s just a walk. Otherwise, I don’t know how you’re going to ask (or have your partner ask) her to go to the mosque to pray unless there is something else going on in the house you need the space for, without letting on your true feelings about religion.
This seems to be the key issue. If your partner needs you to hide your feelings on religion, and you want to keep living with a member of her family, it’s not going to work.” ParsimoniousSalad
3. AITJ For Wanting My Friend To Pay Me Back For Concert Tickets?
” I (19m) bought VIP tickets to go see a rapper I like in a different state and the concert is on Friday.
When I bought the tickets I called my friend 19 who we’ll call Ray for this post and asked if they wanted to go with me. Ray was super excited and immediately said yes. I told them if they wanted to go I would need them to pay me back for the tickets because they were expensive.
Ray told me they would and so I bought the tickets back in May.
Fast forward to the end of August. The concert is now about a week away and I messaged them saying I had just realized they didn’t have my Venmo and sent it to them as a kind reminder they still hadn’t paid me back yet.
Ray told me they get paid the next day and I told them cool and to add me whenever they could. Friday went by so I messaged them Saturday morning at 9:30 asking if they added me on Venmo. They responded with a paragraph about how they were cleaning their friend’s house and that they would add me later that night or tomorrow.
I said okay. I messaged them again at 8 pm giving them an ultimatum either they pay me by tomorrow night or I find someone else to go to the concert. They opened my message then ignored me because they were “busy” at a house party with their partner so I had another friend (we’ll call Bell) text them to see if they were just ignoring me or busy.
Ray immediately replied to Bell.
In that conversation, Bell told Ray I was frustrated and that they needed to reply to me because they didn’t want drama in the friend group. Ray blew them off and said “I have been annoying all day about the money” Bell told them that 200 dollars is a lot of money and they needed to talk to me.
Finally, they texted me back saying they would pay me tomorrow morning and that I was being hostile for no reason. This friend is notoriously bad at paying people back and anytime we hang out they use me as a free ride because they can’t drive.
They will “forget their wallet” any time we go out or say they don’t have the money so one of us has to pay for them and they never pay us back. I am just so tired of being treated like an Uber and being blown off and called annoying.
I know they are just waiting for me to cave but not this time. 210 dollars is a lot of money. I had been so excited to go with them but now I want to tell them not to even bother and that this friendship is over.
AITJ’
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s clear he was planning to go to the concert and then simply not repay you. Based on things you’ve said about this friend being a mooch, it’s pretty apparent he planned to run the same playbook.
That being said, you should have squared this away MONTHS ago, especially knowing how this person is. Also, don’t send others to fight your battles for you. Move on from this friendship. ” HandBananasRevenge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for putting the last hard deadline on it and selling the ticket to someone else who pays for it!
This is messy, mostly because you know that this person doesn’t pay for things. Ditch the freeloader! Don’t make such agreements with freeloaders in the future.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Immediately find someone else to go with you who will pay for their ticket. Then, tell Ray that since he never paid you, you had to invite someone else.” Teresa’s
2. AITJ For Leaving An Honest Review On My Friend's Debut Novel?
“I don’t want anyone to be able to find the novel, so I will try to be vague. All I will say regarding the novel’s details is that I primarily read high fantasy and sci-fi, while my friend’s novel is a romance. I am also reading an ARC, as the novel has not yet been released. I’m going to call my author friend “Anne”.
So I (25F) am part of an online reading/writing group of about 30 people. One of the members, who has become a friend of mine, is Anne (26F). She is the only member that lives near me and we meet for coffee sometimes. We share book recommendations, writing tips, etc etc. Even though we aren’t interested in reading or writing the same genres most of the time, we get along pretty well.
Anne has been working on her debut novel for the past couple of years and is finally getting published. She’s very excited, to say the least, and got ARCs two months ago to give to friends and family. She even had one sent to an author whose name is pretty popular right now, and said that it was her writing that inspired this novel.
I honestly didn’t expect to get an ARC. I felt that there was no way to politely turn her down seeing as we were friends, so I took the book.
Anne put a card in my ARC (and I’m assuming everyone else’s) asking that I visit the Goodreads page for her book, leave an honest review, and promote her book on our socials.
After I finally read it, I went to Goodreads, found the page for her book, and started typing. I gave her three stars, and I said that while I wasn’t the target audience, it was a sweet story that fans of the genre would love, and it could just use a bit of tweaking.
The day after I posted that review, I woke up to missed calls and texts from Anne. They ranged from angry to sad, all asking how/why I could “do this to her”. I called her up and asked what was going on, and she immediately launched into a rant about how I’m a terrible friend and terrible fellow author to leave such a poor review on her book and asked if I was trying to hurt her career.
I told her I wasn’t trying to hurt her career and that she asked for an honest review, so I left an honest review. She continued to berate me, and I was so tired and caught off guard that I just hung up on her.
This happened last Wednesday.
Yesterday I got back in touch with her to have a calm, adult conversation with her about it, but it didn’t take long for her to get angry again and demand what I didn’t like about her book. I told her that it just wasn’t the kind of thing I was into and that she knew that when she gave me the ARC.
She got angrier and yelled at me that it didn’t matter and that “as my friend and fellow author, you should have left me a five-star review. What you did was so wrong and backhanded and you’re a major jerk, ESPECIALLY since it’s my first”.
She told the group that we were in, leaving the entire thing in upheaval and everyone was divided. Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you just needed to leave a good review on your friend’s book. All you had to do was give a high star rating and leave a comment along the lines of ‘a good read’.
THAT’S IT! And if you were that disinterested in the genre, don’t write a review at all. Don’t agree to review it! You would’ve wrecked her overall star rating, especially for a new release. God, I hope none of my friends would be this shockingly unaware.” Emma3190
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Goodreads reviews are make or break for debut authors. It’s amazing how often they determine a fledgling book’s success. If you don’t know her personally, then feel free to write whatever kind of review you want. **But she is your real-life friend;** you can fudge it a little and give her five stars.
You can still be honest in the review itself, but you shouldn’t drag down her average like that–especially when you aren’t the target audience.” pegging pinhead
Another User Comments:
“Both jerks here – I think you should’ve communicated with Anne before publishing the review in this situation.
Anne said to leave an honest review, but considering the context of being a new author and the impact of Goodreads, you should’ve shared your opinion of the book with her first. If she would rather you be honest, then post it. If not, then don’t publish anything.
Her response was immature as if she was expecting only good “public” feedback, she shouldn’t have asked for an honest review or given an ARC to a critical reader. However, you should consider the context and consequences of your actions beyond the obvious and surface level.” Ramallah
1. AITJ For Eating Without My Late Friend At A Reserved Dinner?
“The names I will give the people involved are my sister Kim and my two friends May and Sam.
Me, my sister and my two friends all work at the same daycare. While at work May said she wanted hibachi so we found a place and decided on a time. Sam and Kim get off earlier than me May (we get off at 6:30, but technically can get off earlier if all the kids leave).
We planned the dinner last Friday at 7:30. Me and my sister live close to the place, while both Sam and May live far away but agreed to the time and said to make the reservation.
The place we wanted to go to has a policy that they will not sit you until your whole party is present so if they aren’t you could end up missing your table and having to wait 30 to an hour for another one.
Fast forward a couple of days to Friday. Kim and Sam had already left and there were only 3 other teachers: me, May, and another coworker. May only had 2 kids left one was my nephew and the other was another child. It was about 5:50. I told May multiple times to give me her students so she could leave and get ready which she gave me the other child but not my nephew saying he doesn’t want to go with me.
When all the kids left except for my nephew and niece, I clocked out and got into my car and May clocked out and got in hers. It was now 6:40. I left the parking lot first and May was still in her car texting.
I get home and get showered and changed and Kim, my niece, my nephew and I head over to the place and Sam is already there.
We now are waiting for May. It gets to 7:10 and she’s not there. We begin to call and text her but she doesn’t answer. 7:30 comes and she is still not here or answering. One of the employees was kind enough to give us 10 minutes more and she still was not there.
After 10 minutes, I said that we should just eat without her and we messaged her we were gonna eat. She showed up later in the dinner she and her son sat down at another table.
After we paid we went into the lobby and she got up to leave without paying.
She then starts to send messages in the group chat about how we don’t care about her how she and her son were hungry too and that she would never do something like this to us. I replied saying that my niece and nephew were also hungry and starting to get restless waiting and that she knew the reservation time and she stayed longer at work when she knew she had somewhere to be.
She messaged that she stayed behind at work so I wouldn’t be lonely and was trying to be a good friend. Now my sister Kim won’t talk to May and Sam, who was May’s friend before we all started hanging with each other, feels like she’s caught in the middle.
May keeps saying that I’m the worst one because I was the one who suggested we ate without her and I was the one calling her out for cursing us out in the group chat.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You made plans and May agreed to them, but then she was late and didn’t communicate with you all.
Understandably, you went ahead with dinner without her since the restaurant had a policy of not seating incomplete parties. May should have been more responsible and respectful of everyone’s time.” Electrical_Tax2567
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