People Are Looking For A Clean Slate In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Calling Out A Family Member On Social Media?
“I’m 29f and up until recently, we had been estranged from my maternal grandmother for the last 10 years. She had a medical situation arise and requested my mom, but my mom can’t drive right now so I had to take her there which is across the state.
So we’ve been at my grandmother’s side for a few weeks. Honestly been really happy to see their relationship get restored, it’s all my mom wanted. My grandmother started talking about things she’s heard about me over the years.
Only the negative things, like the mental breakdown I had at 23 and ending up in a crisis center. My failed first relationship as an adult. My 5-month stint with illegal stuff (6 years clean now). And the worst was a horrific thing that happened to me during my childhood.
What annoyed me is my grandma didn’t know about how I graduated with my master’s after all that, I started a successful business at 26 which has grown considerably.
Or the simple fact I got off the illegal substances all by myself with no rehab and didn’t once relapse (I’m proud of that alone). I got very angry with my mom, I knew for a fact she didn’t tell her mother all these things. My mom admitted she had confided in her cousin (grandmother’s niece) because she felt so helpless watching me spiral and not knowing what to do to help me.
I understood her reasoning (sorta) but still didn’t justify her cousin’s actions. I was so angry, so hurt. I never wanted my grandmother to know these things but had I wanted to IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY PLACE TO TELL HER. I called the cousin out on social media and even tagged her in it. This was the post:
‘Watch out for this mouth of the south.
She’ll spill all your dirty laundry but leave out all the good things you’ve accomplished. How would you feel if I did this to you? You wouldn’t like it. I can’t even believe you flaunt your Christianity around like you’re a perfect saint. I hope your pastor sees this. Apparently, you don’t even read your Bible. You don’t do this nonsense to people, ESPECIALLY those you consider family.
You are nothing but a gossiper and a horrible person.’
Should I have done that? Probably not. Did I cause my mom embarrassment? Yeah. Do I feel bad? Nope. She removed her tag, my mom wants me to delete the post, says that was so wrong/rude of me. I want to leave it up for all to see. Bible says to confront those who hurt you (something along those lines) so I did!
Just publicly. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your mom had every right to discuss her personal problems with a friend or close family member – in this case, her cousin. Unless she expressly told the cousin this information in confidence and the cousin broke a promise or something, things like this are likely to get around to the family. You obviously have overcome a lot and have a lot of things to be proud of, but I would ask – is belittling the cousin on social media going to change what happened to you, or could you instead turn your energy to celebrating how far you’ve come and how successful you’ve been in life now?
You just seem to be running from your past life and are lashing at anything that reminds you of it in an unhealthy way.” PuertoRicoRules
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you had every right to stand up to her and for yourself… tons of dysfunctional families operate like that… they bring up the nonsense and the negative, sometimes add to it and spin things so far out of proportion it should be illegal. It’s cruel and it’s totally unnecessary… these types of family members are toxic and deep down haters and narcissists… they will NEVER tell people about all the good things you do, only the negative so they can make themselves feel better.
It’s gross and good for you for calling her out… exposure is their biggest fear and maybe she will think twice before spewing toxic venom everywhere… you did the right thing. Abusers like this count on their victims to remain silent… the only way to stop it is by exposing them and you did an amazing job… I’m a stranger and I am proud of you!
You stood your ground and it should be commended. That said I hope you and your mom filled your grandma in on all the amazing things you have accomplished.” Longjumping_Donut790
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mom for only talking about the bad stuff you’ve done (although this can be partially justified if it was an ‘in-the-moment’ type thing, and she is within her right to confide in her cousin), her cousin for spreading the gossip to someone it doesn’t concern (no excuse for that), and you for taking it very public.
That said, unless you get an actual apology, I see no reason to take the post down. She spread things about you, and although the Bible says to forgive those who have wronged you, it also says those who judge will be judged (the Bible is very inconsistent with its messaging…)” IKnowFewThings
20. AITJ For Embarrassing My Coworker During A Staff Meeting?
“My (25m) coworker Maddy (36f) has been talking about her vacation this year and how she’d saved up for it with her husband and it was going to be the biggest vacation they’ve ever taken, a 5-day trip to Alaska.
I’ve always loved Maddy because she’s just the coolest. So smart and friendly and she has really good style too. Like outfits always on point.
She’s good at her job too, she’s our admin and we can always rely on her.
Well horribly enough a month ago she had to be out for a week due to needing emergency dental surgery. When she came back the next week she seemed to be healing ok even though she has jaw issues now.
Our staff meeting happened on Monday, and we were surprised at how hard things were without Maddy in her absence.
I suggested that we should maybe look for a temp to at least answer phones and stuff for the days Maddy would be gone.
Everyone was like ‘Oh yeah good point’ except Maddy. Maddy said, ‘Don’t worry about that, I won’t be taking those days off anymore.’
I was surprised because she has been going on and on about this for like forever and I said ‘Wait why what happened?’ She said, ‘Because I had to do the dental surgery.’ I said, ‘Oh but you got to take sick leave for that right you didn’t have to use PTO?’ She said yes.
I said ‘So why can’t you go? You deserve a vacation!’ because she DOES.
She said things changed so don’t worry about it. Everyone looked so bummed for her and she just didn’t say much for the rest of her meeting. I was so confused and kind of concerned for her so I asked her afterward ‘Hey what happened? You were so excited?
Did Alaska float away?’
She just looked really coldly at me and said ‘We had to use the money for my teeth. That’s why I can’t go.’ She stormed off and I felt really bad especially because people were still in the room chatting and everyone heard.
My other coworker Jeff was like ‘Nick, how was it not blatantly obvious?’
Sooo in my defense: Maddy is 36, and she’s married to a guy who has a Ph.D.? I don’t know why I was expected to just know that she didn’t have enough savings or whatever to just cover her dental surgery. We do have dental insurance and everything so it’s not like she was uninsured. Like how am I supposed to guess that?
Anyway, people are mad at me in the office now because Maddy is moping around about not going on her big vacation and I made her feel bad about it. Am I the jerk for embarrassing her?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not maliciously so… But you might find yourself in the dictionary beside the words ‘faux pas’. She gave you clear cues. Your coworkers are right – it should have been obvious.
You pushed on it repeatedly. While you can’t necessarily assign malice to ignorance, this is a good lesson for you to realize that there will always be things that you do not realize, that are not your business. You rubbed salt in her wound. Not intentionally, but you owe her a sincere apology that you did not heed her cues, you didn’t understand enough, you kept pushing, and you will learn from this and be better in the future.” gingerslap
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She gave a short answer ‘because of the dental surgery’ and she obviously didn’t want to get into it beyond that, but you kept pushing.
She’s not an idiot. She didn’t miscalculate and think she had to cancel when actually she didn’t. She told you that things changed and she had to cancel. Believe her. She knows more about her life than you.
Also, this is your co-worker, not your best friend. If she’s being vague, let her. She doesn’t owe you an explanation on this kind of thing.” Extension_Ad_972
Another User Comments:
“Hmm, this is tough because it wasn’t deliberate or maliciously done; however, it’s been a couple of days since this happened, and nowhere did you mention that you apologized to her.
This is a woman you very clearly respect so I am hoping you left that out to remain within the word count.
If not, you are definitely the jerk. You did quite the job of displaying your lack of experience/general knowledge of the real world.
If you haven’t done so already, you need to apologize IMMEDIATELY! Do NOT try to justify it as you did here with your very privileged sounding ‘in my defense.’ Likewise, an apology/honest explanation to anyone who witnessed Maddy’s humiliation may go a long way to returning your office to normal.
We are all human and we all make mistakes/stick a foot (or both) in our mouths. For future reference, most dental insurances (at least in the US) only cover about 50% on things like oral surgery or endodontics and that’s AFTER a sizable deductible!! That can easily add up to thousands of dollars out of pocket if you live in the US. Additionally, there are plenty of people with a Ph.D.
who have crippling student loan debt. You seem to be sheltered when it comes to the realities of life as a grownup. Maybe your coworkers, like Jeff, can help get you up to speed to avoid mishaps like this in the future.” Migraine-AddledBrain
19. AITJ For Getting My Teacher In Trouble After He Breached My Privacy?
“I (17M) was in my last period class of the day when my phone began to blow up.
I’m not sure what was going on, but I decided to check my notifications… 30 missed calls and 20 text messages from my parents. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what. I unlocked my phone and took a quick glance at the messages when tears welled up in my eyes.
My heart shattered while reading those messages since it turned out that my 15-year-old brother had passed away after suffering from cancer for two and a half years.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, this teacher appears and says, ‘How about you get off your phone and stop texting your mom like a baby?’ I was going to tell him what happened, but he didn’t want to hear it, so he took my phone and confiscated it for the rest of the period, and I couldn’t pay attention for the next 35 minutes because I was at my breaking point.
I decided to sign myself out of school early because I couldn’t be bothered to stay, and I needed to be with my family. I began packing my belongings quietly so that he wouldn’t notice, but that failed, and he asked me where I was going, to which I replied, ‘It’s none of your business.’ He then blocked off the doorway with his arm and told me to ‘sit your butt back down because I’m not letting you go anywhere.’ I was going to tell him off, but instead, I just sat there like an idiot.
Fortunately, my friend was in the class with me, and I told her everything, and she comforted me until the bell rang. When that bell rang, I bolted and took my phone with me, only to realize that I didn’t have any bus fare with me… great.
Fortunately, the same friend offered me a ride to the hospital, for which I will be eternally grateful.
I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later, checked in, and inquired about my brother’s whereabouts. I raced there and saw my parents sitting in the hallway, and they were enraged. Of course, I assumed they were enraged because I was so late, which would make sense, but apparently, I had texted my mom ‘That’s not my problem, I’m in class don’t bother me’ when she had initially texted me, turns out my teacher thought it would be appropriate to take advantage of my phone not falling asleep and say that without my knowledge.
I emailed my principal, and he expressed his condolences to me and my family, and he said he’ll discuss the issue with my teacher during school tomorrow, hoping he learns his lesson. I’m just glad I got to see my brother, and I know he’s in a better place, free of pain and sorrow… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, I offer my condolences for your loss.
Now about your school day, you noticed an unusual situation with your phone and checked it. You reacted fairly well to what you discovered and the subsequent events. Nothing wrong on your part. Next about your teacher, belittling you for being on your phone is poor form but I might have expected it depending on his teaching style and his dynamic with the students.
Confiscating your phone and making you stay in class is technically what he is supposed to do, however, it is incredibly insensitive of him not to notice something was wrong, especially if this was unusual behavior for you.
Sending messages on your phone without your knowledge, permission, or understanding of what was happening instantly makes him a jerk, however. His being a teacher does not give him the right to make messages in your name, for any reason and he deserves any consequences he gets from doing so.” Free_Ad_7708
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, my friend. Your parents will eventually realize you’re not the one who wrote the message and forgive you, but for now, they’re grieving (just as you are) and probably can’t think clearly.
Your teacher’s behavior would’ve been iffy even if your parents were texting you about something ordinary, but this is flat-out insane. He definitely deserves some form of penalty. Don’t give him a second thought; instead, focus on your family. My condolences.” -AffectionateWriter-
Another User Comments:
“I’m so so sorry for your loss. Not only are you NTJ, but your family also needs to double down.
Your parents should also write a letter to the principal once things settle down. I certainly hope they knew that you didn’t send that text and that this didn’t lead to lasting damage. It’s such a serious situation and certainly could have created even bigger issues between you and your parents.
Screenshot the messages, after things have settled, talk to your parents about how violated his actions made you feel, and how it must have made them feel to get that message and ask them to write to the principal. He violated several things and frankly should take a big hit for it.” beag_ach_dian
18. WIBTJ If I Argue With My Daughter's School Over A Field Trip?
“My (f40) daughter (f14) has had a rough year. She has had a lot of mental health issues and this year has been rough finding what works for her and what doesn’t.
I have recently been trying to do better in how I work with her and through some new techniques have seen some real improvement at home and in her overall behavior.
Her school recently announced their 8th-grade field trip next month to an amusement park and she is extremely excited. However, she got a referral from school for using the bathroom and it became questionable if she would be allowed to go. After discussing it with her teacher who gave the referral it was decided she could go on the trip if she wrote an appeal.
So I sent in her permission slip and the money after getting an email they would not cash my check unless she was approved and she wrote her appeal.
My check got cashed and we were back on track.
Yesterday my daughter was handed a friend’s phone during class to look at something and got another referral and she is being told she can no longer attend the trip.
I am expected to call the principal tomorrow and I want to know if I will be a jerk if I tell them I expect them to allow her on this trip despite this referral for several reasons. One is that the phone behavior and even the bathroom behavior have been worse all year and now that she is trying harder they are cracking down on it because of the field trip (she has not had a referral prior to these two all year despite both teachers admitting this behavior has been an issue all year but they now (in late April mind you) want to set an example) and two being they have my money for both her and my ticket (I was planning on going to chaperone).
So I guess the question is WIBTJ for fighting for my daughter to be allowed to attend the field trip despite her getting in trouble?
Edit: I want to clarify a few things. I do not intend to be confrontational it would only be a request that it be considered or that they either provide me with the tickets or refund me.
My daughter’s issues have not been behavioral at school.
The amount of students who use their phones at school is silly. I have witnessed that with my own two eyes on many occasions. My daughter has had behavioral issues at home but at school, my interactions (there have been many) are due to her being withdrawn, concern for her cuts, concern for her weight, and concern that she does not do school work outside of class.
Prior to these two incidents, she has only ever gotten in trouble in school once before and that was last year when she left the campus during a school day. I think the bathroom issue got escalated because they requested my daughter use the nurse’s bathroom out of fear for her well-being and she used the general student bathroom. That particular teacher has told me she regrets doing the referral twice now.
The second issue I have gotten a general email that ‘several students’ had phones out and when I asked if they all got referrals the only response I got was no. I have to call the principal tomorrow to discuss it further either way (their request) and at this point, I have not even been told she is ineligible for the trip. She is just worried she is.”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ for asking and putting out your points for your request. However, saying you expect it would be jerkish behavior, and be very likely to get their backs up and guarantee she can’t go.
Pointing out that these were minor infractions, with the first appeal already accepted so not relevant, and the second a borderline infringement (taking something handed to her as opposed to taking out her own phone), and so not worth such a drastic punishment, wouldn’t be unreasonable.
Especially if accompanied by an apology and promise to not do it again, if not already offered. I’d also be careful of indirect blackmail: her behavior is likely to get worse if she’s punished by being excluded like this – you know it, they know it, it’s known – but saying that sounds like it’s being threatened, so try to focus on the positive reinforcement of letting her go as opposed to the potential backslide if she doesn’t.” GojuSuzi
Another User Comments:
“Yes. You have no right to ‘expect’ that your daughter is allowed on the trip because she broke school rules and the school deemed that the appropriate punishment is that she not be allowed on a fun school field trip.
Your daughter has no ‘right’ to the trip, and you have no ‘expectation’ for it. However, I think it’s fair to ask for at least your money back since you won’t be chaperoning, and maybe hers, depending upon what school policy is.
We wonder why teachers are leaving the profession in droves. Kids violate rules, teachers enforce consequences for the rulebreaking, and parents storm in (with lawyers!) demanding that their kid not be subject to the consequences – even the most minor consequences. What does that teach? That if you mess up, mommy and daddy will always be there to make excuses for your behavior and that you’ll never be personally accountable, and that kids can get away with anything with their teachers because the parents will complain and everything will be undone.
That’s not a good way to raise kids.
Now, if you want to ask about perhaps alternative punishments because (a) of the apparent lack of seriousness of the second incident (you know, it might be worse than your daughter has told you), and (b) of the difficult year your daughter has had, that seems like a reasonable conversation to have.
So as you’ve put it, YWBTJ.
Maybe there’s a way to have a conversation with the administration that would both respect them and advocate for your daughter in her tough year, but demanding that she be allowed to go on the field trip is not the way.” Perdendosi
Another User Comments:
“From a teacher’s perspective (I am still working on my master’s but teach 12 hours per week to gain some experience/be able to afford to live) I know that we started to crack down harder on phone use and other disruptive behavior a few weeks ago.
The current school year so far has been a sort of grace period for the students to get back into normal school life after online school and other health restrictions.
By now discipline is seriously lacking in some classes so we started cracking down on phone use and at least from my experience the ones that are made an example of are some of the main offenders of these things.
Not saying your daughter is the worst behaved student in her class, just saying that she probably deserved some sort of disciplinary action against her BUT the school’s policy of barring students from field trips for what is at the end of the day a rather minor transgression is absolutely ridiculous. I could understand if it was something worse like constantly skipping school or bullying but using a phone or going to the toilet without permission should not go much further than detention and it sounds like it was her first punishment for using a phone in class.
(if it’s not the first time but a constant problem then teachers have to look into different ways of dealing with the situation and maybe then yes barring a student from a field trip may be a solution but like I said it does not sound like that’s the case here.)
So NTJ from me for standing up against this sort of overkill punishment.” CrankMike
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here! The other girls should get a referral too for having their phones out, but your daughter was given a second chance to attend this field trip and she broke the rules. From your story, it seems that she’s been having problems with the rules for a while, and that sucks but you are showing your daughter that she can basically behave how she wants and break rules and when she gets the consequences of that all she has to do is escalate the issue and things will get better.
And maybe one reason as to why the other girls didn’t get a referral but maybe just a warning may be because their file doesn’t look like your daughter’s.
It sucks and I can tell you from experience because I was that preteen not being able to attend field trips, but I learn that my actions have consequences even the smallest one.” HistorySweet9902
Those infringements sound very minor and it doesn't sound like your daughter is a problem child. Her behavioural issues at home are likely due to the pressure of school.
They actually sound unreasonable and perhaps you need to consider whether this is the right school for her.
17. AITJ For Slamming My Door In My Neighbor's Face?
“My parents just moved out of state, and I (23f) am renting their townhouse along with my fiancé, sister, and a friend of ours, Alejandro (23m).
I lived in this house from when I was 15-18 and moved back in a couple of months ago when my parents moved out. The complex has 3 assigned parking spaces per townhouse, though they are not marked. I have made my fiancé and Alejandro aware of this.
We have a neighbor family (m and f 50s, daughters of various high school ages) who used to constantly park in or block in our spots, and have their guests do so as well, and my parents were always incredibly kind and only asked them to move if we absolutely needed the spot (which wasn’t often, as we live in a tiny suburb with plenty of street parking less than 50 ft away from our front doors).
Cut to last night, it’s about 11 pm, and I hear a loud and aggressive banging on our front door as I’m falling asleep. I throw on my bathrobe and answer the door. It’s the mom of the family, two daughters in tow, and our convo went as such:
Her: Is that your silver car in my daughter’s spot?
Me: My car is the red car right there (points to my car), I can’t see the car you’re referring to through the other cars.
Her: It’s a silver Corolla.
Me: (realizing it’s Alejandro’s car) Oh that must be my roommate, I’ll go get him right now to move his car. Sorry, I’ve told him parking is assigned.
Her: I don’t know if your mommy and daddy told you, but there are rules here sweetheart. You can’t just park anywhere you want.
Me: (confused, as I’ve lived here longer than her I’m aware) I just said I’ll go get him and he’ll move it.
(I start to close the door)
Her: (raising her voice to a yell) Don’t you shut the door on me, we have to keep this dialogue open. My daughter needs to feel safe when she gets home late.
Me: Ma’am, I’m going to go get Alejandro right now. Calm down.
Her: (getting more shrill) My daughter should not have to play musical chairs with parking spots-
Me: Jesus Christ!
I slam the door, and turn off the porch light, and go to get Alejandro.
He moved his car, apologized to her, and she did not yell at him at all.
Today, while I was checking our mail, she comes outside with her daughters, and they very loudly start talking about ‘rude neighbors slamming the door on people’.
My sister and fiancé were at work last night, but Alejandro thinks I was the jerk for slamming the door on her and turning off the porch light.
I’ll add ahead of time that we have never parked in their spots before.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Alejandro, the person who caused this dispute by parking in the wrong spot, thinks you were rude to the neighbors. Alejandro is a jerk for parking in the wrong spot when he knows the rules. The neighbor is a jerk for massively overreacting (assuming this is the first time it has happened and not a regular problem).
She feels safe to bully you because you are a young female but is too cowardly to have a go at a man.” Cherry_clafoutis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have no control over where your roommate parks. There is no reason why the neighbor should have been complaining to you and being as condescending as she was. You have every right not to engage with her.” spicychalupawithguac
Next time the neighbour parks in one of your allocated spots, send Alejandro to knock on their door and tell them to move their car.
Alejandro may need to find somewhere else to move to.
16. AITJ For Letting My Family And Friends Call My Partner By His First Name?
“My partner (32/M) is a doctor. I met him through my dad back when we were traveling and after we started going out he started coming over to my hometown to visit.
When I introduced him to my family and friends, I told them his full name, then occupation, then mentioned the other stuff like age and hometown, etc. all good until months later when he started complaining about my family and friends referring to him by his ‘first name’ and not putting ‘dr’ before.
I found this strange I told him that’s his professional title but as a society, we use first names/nicknames, etc. He said he can’t help feeling annoyed, especially considering that ‘these people’ don’t know him well. But it’s been 8 months. He said once we’re married or engaged then they can start referring to him using his first name.
Recently he started correcting me whenever my friends or family call him by his name, his tone becomes aggressive and then he goes on a long lecture about how they should put ‘Dr’ before mentioning his name.
It became exhausting because my friends and family can’t understand his strange hangup and he keeps picking fights with them about it.
Last night we were visiting my parents and my dad called him (‘Justin’) instead of (‘Dr. Justin’). My partner started arguing with him which caused a huge fight in the house and we ended up leaving.
In the car, he went off on me saying I’m letting family and friends disrespect him continually by letting them call him just his name.
I told him he was at fault here and he was being unreasonable because what he’s expecting is bizarre. He said he takes pride in his profession and that he sacrificed so much to get where he is today and my family and friends literally lose nothing if they respect his wishes. He called me an enabler and said that siding with them paints me in a bad light and advised me to step up and take a stand but again, I thought he was overreacting and being hostile for no reason.
We got home and he shut me down and refused to speak to me. Mom called me later and we talked a bit. Today he’s gone completely radio silence but the look on his face is telling.
AITJ?
EDIT: We don’t have anyone who’s a doctor in the family or friend groups but we know for certain that we don’t use people’s professional titles all the time when addressing them, especially not people we have a relationship with.
I don’t understand how I and my family are offending him. He is choosing this hill to die on apparently.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner sounds really pretentious. Did he work hard to get where he is? I’m sure he did. But, in the real world, when the lab coat (or white coat) comes off and he is not treating patients, he’s just a regular guy who puts his pants on like everyone else (hopefully one leg at a time, but there are some weirdos out there, so who knows?).
Expecting friends, family, or even potential family to call him Dr. makes him a snob of capital proportions. So, I’m wondering if this is a learned behavior (whether he was born in high society or among the rich), or if his ego got so inflated during school that he thinks he’s god now.
This isn’t going to get any better. You’re not likely to win this argument, ever.
Because once they get to this point, there’s usually no coming down for this type. Now, this is just my opinion, but… I’d get out of this relationship if I were you. Because if he’s a stickler over this? Who knows what other bugs he has up his butt. Because this is probably just the tip of the iceberg that will sink a relationship faster than the one that sunk the Titanic.” Megami1981
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your partner is a delusional, pretentious jerk. I’m not sure what world he’s living in, but in this one, the Dr. title is used in a professional or formal setting only. If he’s calling your parents by their first names in a social setting, then he would also be called by just his first name. The only time I’ve heard ‘Dr. First Name’ is still in a professional setting but when the doctor wanted to be less formal. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you that your family had to deal with this insufferable jerk.
I’d seriously reevaluate a relationship with someone who has such an inflated level of self-importance and superiority.” LavenderOrca83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, I get how much hard work, sweat, and tears you put into being a doctor. But the fact he DEMANDS that EVERYONE addresses him as Doctor? That’s extremely irrational, unreasonable, and very highly narcissistic. Especially the fact he gets so up in arms about it and legit picks fights over it.
His patients should call him Dr. Not his partner’s family. He’s gaslighting you and trying to blame you for ‘enabling’ and not sticking up for him when there’s nothing to enable. He’s picking fights where there are none. He just expects praise from everyone he meets or else.
I would honestly just dump him. He’s not stable or rational, and you don’t deserve that level of drama, especially because it’s absolutely unnecessary.” User
15. AITJ For Not Including My Future Sister-In-Law's Name On My Gift To My Mom?
“So for Mother’s Day, I got my mom a gift that has my dad’s name, my brother’s name, and my name on it with mom’s name in the center. Well, my brother is getting married in June, and in my haste, I didn’t think to add my future SIL. It was a complete oversight. I already paid for and ordered it and am now wondering if it’s wrong to give it to my mother.
I know my mom will love the gift but my brother could be offended and think it’s intentional considering my SIL took me out of the wedding party due to my pregnancy and things haven’t been right since. Just wondering if it would be wrong for me to still give a gift.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom will be a MIL for a long time.
There will be other opportunities to include your future SIL. And since your brother didn’t pay for the gift, just explain gently to him that you were only thinking of your mom and your history with her – not his future.” Traditional-Corgi223
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she did get offended over something like that, she would be the one manufacturing drama. SIL will officially be part of the family once your brother is married, but despite her becoming part of your brother’s immediate family, she is still not part of his family of origin.” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“I am going to say that if everyone on the gift is either married to your mom, or related by b***d as her children then you are NTJ. If you included a spouse of one of the kids and not the other, then that’s when you would cross into possible YTJ territory. But as I understand your post: NTJ.” elvaholt
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Bridesmaid At My Sister's Wedding?
“I am a 44-year-old woman and my twin sister is planning to be married in the fall. Problem is, she is not yet divorced from her first husband. I am friends with my brother-in-law and they were married for about 15 years. I was the maid of honor at her first wedding and did the whole toast about how they would be together forever. My sister is now engaged to a man who is 16 years younger than us.
She initiated an affair with him this past summer/fall and it was all very dramatic.
A few weeks ago, my sister messaged me late at night to ask if I would be at her wedding – she is planning a destination wedding. I responded the next day that I was not sure, that I wanted her to be happy but that everything was changing and happening very fast. She essentially told me to get lost and blocked me.
A few days later she unblocked me and then asked if I would come to the wedding. I told her yes, I was certainly interested in attending the wedding (keeping in mind this will cost me $2500+). Then today, she sends me photos of bridesmaids’ dresses and starts telling me the color palette. I asked ‘wait, are you expecting me to be in the wedding? Because the last time we spoke, you only asked me if I would come to the wedding.’ So now she is back to flipping out.
On top of all this drama, I have never really enjoyed being a bridesmaid. When I myself got married, I did not have a bridal party because I did not want to subject anyone else to it. I am more than willing to attend and support her but I have no desire to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You clearly have some reservations about this whole situation so you should stand your ground and agree to come to the wedding but decline to be a part of the wedding party.
You can tell her it’s because you don’t agree with the marriage circumstance or you can tell her it’s because you don’t enjoy being a bridesmaid: both are equally valid reasons for declining.” hazelnuddy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her response to get lost and blocking you says it all. You are very kind to go to the wedding at all, but being a bridesmaid is another thing entirely.
Tell her unequivocally you will not be in the wedding party and leave it at that.” RealTalkFastWalk
13. AITJ For Not Cooking Dinner?
“My husband has a habit of criticizing the food I prepare like it is an annoying episode of Come Dine With Me or an equally mean cooking game show. We’ve been together for three years and he’s been slowly leeching away my joy of cooking and desire to explore different recipes.
I’ve tried talking, not talking at all, explaining, stopping cooking, begging, and arguing to stop his commentary. He stops for a while and then slowly starts again. He was raised this way and can’t help himself. (His father has the same habit and his mother enables them both by apologizing for every petty fault they find with her cooking. And by petty I mean one of them scolds her because the soup is too hot and the other too cold and she apologizes to one for not pouring his soup a few mins earlier and to the other for not warming his bowl before pouring it.) A few months ago I lost my mind over some offhand comment and turned this issue into a huge screaming-throwing-food-around kind of ugly fight.
Afterward, we both apologized and he’s been very careful with his words so far.
It’s the month of Ramadan (info: we fast from sunrise to sundown. No eating/drinking for roughly 17 hours.) I’m a stay-at-home mom and my husband is the only breadwinner, so it’s my responsibility to cook. I’ve done my best for the first couple of weeks, but after a while, the kid and the fasting and everything else took a toll on me and I’ve started preparing simple, mostly one-course dinners.
4 days ago we were having a simple argument and my husband said: ‘This is why I don’t want to break my fast with you, you only nag but can’t even bother to cook a decent dinner’. This flipped my fuse and I told him to get out and not to come home for dinner till the end of Ramadan.
He apologized and I accepted but I’ve been preparing breakfast food for the last 3 days.
Some cheese, olives, tomatoes, boiled eggs, and bread. He kept quiet the first day but got very angry with me when I kept preparing the same food and told me I was being a jerk, not considering that he’s working outside and gets food cravings. Also, he hates eating breakfast at other meal times while I love it, so he thinks I’m punishing him like he is a child and this is not a healthy attitude towards one’s spouse.
He also told me I overstepped and acted childish by telling him not to come home for dinner and stopped talking to me. AITJ?
Edit: I think I misled you guys into thinking that he never cooks. He does occasionally in other months. During Ramadan, he is the one who prepares the sahoor (the meal before sunrise, which we eat around 3 am.) because our kid wakes up super early and he tries to let me sleep longer.
Ironically it is breakfast food.
And he can’t cook for dinner because usually there’s no time left when he comes from work. He hates takeout because he worked in the food industry and outside Ramadan if I have a craving for takeout food he’ll cook it for me.”
Another User Comments:
“I solved this with a former partner rather quickly. After listening to his personal opinion of my cooking one too many times, I took him by surprise.
He sat down to dinner one evening and when the first criticism fell from his mouth, I stood up, snatched his plate from the table, and emptied it into the trashcan. Then I sat back down and proceeded to ignore his screaming while I finished my dinner. Didn’t cook for him again, not ever.
We stopped for gas on a road trip not long after and while he gassed the car, I went in to buy drinks.
The minute he saw me walking up to the car he began screaming that the cups I bought wouldn’t fit into our cup holders. I walked over and dumped his top down into a large trashcan. Then I got into the car, sipped my drink, and eased it down into the cup holder. He just sat there working himself up to another argument. I said, ‘One word, and I’m opting out of the vacation.’ He shut up and started driving.
This has nothing to do with food or how you prepare it. It has everything to do with him wanting to make you as submissive as his mother. Unless you’re willing to bow your head and humbly apologize to this man for the rest of your life, stand you’re ground now. I’d not only stop cooking for him full stop, every single time he brought it up, I’d walk off.
He was raised expecting a certain relationship dynamic. It’s going to take a firm hand to set appropriate boundaries with him.
Your husband is not a complete moppet. He can pull snacks out of the fridge himself until he learns proper respect. Whatever you do, don’t make children with this man until you’ve had at least a full year of stability. NTJ.” theloveburts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How are you supposed to know his food cravings if he never tells you? He expects you to read his mind and basically act exactly like his mom; you are not his mother.
Y’all need a better system of communicating for meal times. Maybe he needs to start helping with the meal planning, sit down once per week together, and plan out what you will eat this week.
Maybe he needs to do the grocery shopping. Maybe he should be cleaning and chopping the fruits and veggies. I think his taking ownership of some part of the meal process will decrease his criticism and make him feel more appreciative of all that you do.” SolutionLeading
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being raised with toxic habits does not mean he can’t help himself from constantly being rude and critical of you.
If he doesn’t want to eat what you cook, he’s perfectly capable of feeding himself like most adults with jobs do. At this point, it would be perfectly reasonable to stop cooking for him altogether and just cook for you and your child. You’re a stay-at-home mom, not a maid, and even if you were a maid you’d be well within your rights to quit if your employer was this trashy.” User
How would he feel if you started criticising something he does? He probably won't like it but what gives him the right to criticise you?
I would make some very simple meals for him if you insist on continuing to cook for him. If he doesn't like it he can make his own. I don't mind the above suggestion of the instant he starts criticising you that you pick up his meal and throw it in the trash. When he asks why, tell him that he made his displeasure very clear and it wasn't to his liking so you didn't expect him to eat it so you got rid of it for him.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Mediator Between My Brother And Sister?
“I have a brother and a sister. My sister is an ultra-evangelical. She believes women should stay home and raise the kids, women should not work, the man is the head of the house, strength is important, God is central to everything, women should dress modestly (like Little House on the Prairie), and no birth control/couples should have as many kids as possible, etc etc. She has 7 kids already.
My brother is a hippie (his words). He believes work should be illegal, the government should pay everyone an income, smoking is essential to life, pacifism, homeopathy, and crystals are medicine, and he hates any kind of authority such as the military, law enforcement, teachers, etc etc. He lives in a commune with other like-minded individuals.
Bizarrely they do have some things in common. They both believe schools should be illegal and parents should homeschool.
They are both anti-doctor/medicine. They both believe in home birthing instead of doctors and hospitals. They both do marriage ceremonies without the government so not official. They both think the government is overreaching. They don’t keep in contact unless they both happen to be visiting our mother or our father or me. I still talk to them and just change the subject if they start getting into their beliefs.
I have a small farm and ranch. Both of them believe farming is important. I go to church but it is not evangelical like my sister’s. It is liberal, gay-affirming and social justice is important there. We also do not push people into converting. My evangelical sister thinks this means there is hope for me to ‘come back to God’. My atheist brother thinks I am one step away from atheism.
These are just some examples but I’m considered safe and non-threatening because I either do something they agree with or close enough that they can live with it. I also refuse to bring up certain topics with them. Neither of them lives nearby which also helps. Basically, I’ll say we are not super close but we’re also not no contact.
Whenever I visit at the same time as both of them my mother pushes me to act as a mediator or middleman to head off or defuse any fights or tension between them.
I hate this. My mom is getting married this summer and the three of us will be there before, during, and after the wedding for much longer than a normal visit. I told my mom it is not my job to play mediator or get them to act like adults. I’m not the parent and it isn’t my house. My mom wanted me to spend the whole time keeping them from fighting and she and her fiancé got really upset when I said I would not.
It is horrible and exhausting. My mother doesn’t want their fighting to ruin her wedding but she’s the parent and I told her to lay down the rules herself.
My mom believes I need to mediate conflicts between my brother and my sister. I disagree and when I told her it was not my job she got upset. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your job to mediate or babysit.
Your Mom is trying to avoid conflict, but really she needs to say ‘this is my wedding, I expect all of you to respect it and not get into conflict.’ You can say that in advance.
Longer term, your family is stuck in dumb patterns of behavior that in the big picture serve no one. You may think you don’t have a role in this but you do.
Do what you can to recognize this and extract yourself from it.” cjack68
Another User Comments:
“Poor OP, it sounds like you are tied to the back of two crazy trains chugging in opposite directions. It is not your job to police your sibling’s interactions. If your mother wants a conflict-free wedding, then she should just elope and be done with it. NTJ.” Disastrous-Bee-1557
Another User Comments:
“Well, mom did a good job of raising her kids to be independent thinkers, haha.
Personally, I would have a hotel room as an escape from the drama that may happen. You can’t be a mediator to your siblings and you shouldn’t even try. Your mother is out of line to expect that of you.
NTJ” tatersprout
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do A Yard Sale?
“My partner and I have been together almost 2 years.
We’ve lived together for about a year now. She moved into the house I purchased 3 years back. She’s wanting to have a yard sale with her mom at the house because we have good front yard space. I’m against the idea because as of late I’ve been dealing with some generalized anxiety issues, and really trying to refocus back on work. I’m just not wanting the extra commotion around outside in front of the house.
She says I don’t have to be involved whatsoever in the yard sale, but I know if I don’t help that she’ll be angry and resentful after the fact.
She’s saying I have no say since it doesn’t involve me, but it’s on the property that we share so I said it’s something we both have to agree upon. She says I’m being a jerk for not agreeing with her.
I don’t feel like my being uncomfortable is unreasonable, and I said maybe the future would be a better time. She said she’s ‘going to do it anyway’. I feel like she’s upset because she’s just not getting her way. So AITJ for saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – This is shared property and you’re dictating she can’t do something pretty basic.
It’s not like she’s asking to throw a rager at your house. You really should be coming to compromises on things like these, but honestly, I just don’t see this as a reasonable request. She’s taking the entire burden of organizing/running it, it’s a non-destructive event that is outside of your house that you do not need to participate in and don’t need to do much to avoid, it just would be pretty controlling, in my opinion, to tell your girl she can’t do something on her property too that is financially productive and not harmful.
I don’t think picking and choosing when she’s allowed to feel like it’s her home too or not is fair to her. She sucks for unilaterally saying she’s going to do it anyway. But restricting her from doing something so harmless isn’t really fair in my opinion.” jaxpax22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yard sale people can be crazy – they can show up at the buttcrack of dawn and I’ve seen a few wander into the house, too, with the excuse that they thought things inside were for sale, too.
Some ask to use the bathroom, get a drink of water, etc. Some can get cranky if you don’t mark stuff down to 10 cents or whatever they think something is worth, so then there’s tension, even arguments. I don’t blame you for saying no.” CJCreggsGoldfish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If she lives there but she’s not allowed to do normal things the relationship isn’t equitable enough to be healthy.
Also if a one-day event is going to be so fraught for you that you can’t let it happen you need to get a different t********************t because you’re not getting the right kind of treatment for your mental illness. Then of course her demanding to do it against your will is pretty trashy too. To be honest, this whole situation of your being so precious about owning the home should give her great pause in going forward with the relationship.
You’ve basically made her a visitor in the very place where she lives.” DplusLplusKplusM
10. AITJ For Not Paying My Grandma Rent?
“6 months ago I (25F) moved in with my grandmother due to an absolutely horrible roommate situation (it was a very unsafe environment for me and my dog). Before I moved in, I offered to pay her rent and she absolutely refused because she wants me to save up my money, which was very kind of her.
She does not need to take care of my dog whatsoever, I work hours that allow me to take him potty and I take care of his feedings, etc, but she insists that she must take him for walks despite me telling her that she 100% does not need to and then complains about ‘having’ to take him out. She is diagnosed schizophrenic, bipolar, and OCD so I understand that sometimes she has compulsions that she can’t quite help.
I clean up after myself, but I am constantly walking on eggshells here because if one thing is out of order she has a meltdown so I am extremely cautious in everything that I do. I have tried to help with cleaning the house but I ‘don’t do it right’ so she doesn’t let me. But my room is clean and orderly 99% of the time unless I’m actively in there.
Now recently I have had quite a few health issues. I had epilepsy before but it’s getting worse. And I am also having heart issues I’m waiting on b***d work for. This has put a serious dent in my savings (yay America), and because I had to miss a lot of work due to seizures my finances are a bit tight.
She just told me that she is going to be charging me $500 a month in rent and I told her I cannot do that because the entire point of me moving in here instead of finding another roommate was so that I can save money.
And tbh I am not okay with paying that much in rent to live in a house where I’m uncomfortable and constantly scared of her having a meltdown and can’t even have my significant other over just for dinner. She says that it costs her for me to be here, I told her there’s no way it costs her $500 a month for me to be here because I pay all of my own bills and buy all of my own groceries.
But she says since she has to take care of my dog all the time I owe her.
I tried to compromise with a lesser amount, like $200 or so a month but she downright refused and told me it has to be $500. I told her I cannot do that and will be looking for somewhere else to live, to which she started yelling at me because I also take care of her mom (my great grandma) who lives here too and she would have to find someone else to stay here to watch her on the days I usually do.
My stepmom called me a few minutes ago to tell me I’m a jerk because I ‘want to be treated like an adult’ so I should just pay up. But I do not want to pay that much to live in this house. I have been on my own since I was 18 this is the first time I’ve lived with the family since. Worth mentioning that I live in Florida, and housing prices are crazy here but I’d rather pay more money to live somewhere that is comfortable.
I am currently looking for a place but it is difficult.
AITJ?
Edit: GOOD NEWS! My former coworker whom I adore is looking for a roommate so I have secured a place to live with someone who is incredibly kind. I will be moving out next week, haven’t told grandma yet. Not expecting to get a good reaction but I have to do what’s best for me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your reaction is correct. You don’t need to pay to stay somewhere that won’t work for you. Try to get out. It’s not your obligation to stay to take care of great-grandma. If you have to, pay her for a month while you look. That shouldn’t be the end of the world.
By the way, your grandmother is totally within her rights to ask for rent.
Her objecting to you leaving when she decided to raise the price and attempting to guilt you into both staying and paying makes her a jerk.” Superman530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I suspect a lot of this comes from your grandmother’s issues, and perhaps some memory issues as well. You told her you can care for the dog, and now she wants to be paid for something she just did on her own?
Reminds me of the kids who knock on doors AFTER they shovel your driveway and demand payment when they didn’t ask in the first place, or the guys who spray crap on your windshield, clean it and then demand to be paid.
And she’s getting free care for great-grandma? Sheesh. She’s definitely a jerk.
Now, I get the people who are saying it’s her house, her rules, her rent.
Sure. But you’re buying your own groceries, paying your own bills, and caring for your own dog (when she isn’t trying to do it for you). And you’re taking care of great-grandma, as I pointed out. That should be more than enough in rent as services are rendered.
Move out. Good luck finding someplace, but I think you’re going to be happier and healthier (mentally) if you do.” WhizGidget
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re providing in-home care to your great-grandmother for free, that alone is worth more than $500, which your grandmother surely realizes since she’s angry that you won’t be doing it anymore. Stand firm and get out asap.” OsaWyld
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For House Expenses?
“I’m a 17-year-old who just recently started a small business modding cars for GTA Fivem Roleplay and said business is doing pretty well. I’m not like making a lot of cash but, at least it leaves a few bucks in my Bank Account.
So, my dad and I have been living with my step-family for around 4 years. And, well, I wasn’t been treated the best… Usually, I’ve taken the blame for everything my stepbrothers did and my stepmother didn’t believe me because they were her sons and wouldn’t accept that they would do anything bad. They criticize everything I do and always wanted me to look the worse.
Even rupturing my first relationship by making my ex uncomfortable. Let’s say my life was kinda miserable.
Fast forward to this year, with the help of Dad, I opened my business as a way to emotionally feel better about myself. This family had broken me emotionally, to the point of me falling into a deep depression, and this business is part of me coming out of there.
Before going to the dialogue, I would like to point out that the oldest sibling works full-time and earns 3 times more than me. That being said, let’s move on.
Once my family knew about it, it went something like this:
Stepmom barging into my room – YOU SHOULD PAY!!!
Me (Extremely confused) – What are you talking about?
Stepmom – You should pay for what you consume in this house.
Me – Wait why am I the one who has to pay for what I consume when my older stepbrother earns 3x more than me and doesn’t even do anything?
Stepmom – Because I said so, I’ll be waiting for my payment.
Me – Well don’t wait for it because it’s not happening.
Stepmom – Oh really then, why is that?
Me – Because I’m working for my stuff, saving for a car and college if possible
Stepmom – Yeah, like always thinking only of yourself, at least one time in your life think of others. not everything is about you.
Me – (stayed shut and waited for her to leave the room)
So, AITJ for not wanting to pay for anything and just looking out for myself. Or should I keep ‘thinking only of myself.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but save for a place and buy a bus pass.
Get your own roof as soon as possible. When you’re 18 you can legally enter a contract. You’re almost there. In the meantime don’t give that witch anything and make sure your banking info is secure.” kstweetersgirl2013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, talk to your dad. Your stepmom is crazy. I have other choice words but I don’t want to be banned. You need to get out of there as soon as you possibly can.
AND DO NOT GIVE HER ANYTHING!” Strange_Difficulty41
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – please talk to your dad. You shouldn’t have to give her a penny and your dad should back you up. Regardless never tell anyone in that house how much you make. If they ask decrease it by 75%.” elladee000
8. AITJ For Being Frustrated Over My Surprise Party?
“Over the past couple of years I’ve made a close group of friends, and we tend to go big for each other’s birthdays – trips, parties, and we even threw my partner a convention with a logo/t-shirts/autograph line.
My work life has been stressful for the past few months and I didn’t feel like planning anything myself this year, but a couple of friends I mentioned it to seemed enthusiastic about planning something for me.
My partner ‘Al’ (33) and I (35F) went out of town for a couple of days on my birthday but came back Saturday night and Sunday to celebrate with everyone.
Saturday night we arrived at ‘Rachel’s’ house to hang out, only to have everyone go their separate ways less than an hour after we arrived because they’d made other plans or were tired. One person texted me on Sunday to see if I had made any plans, but I honestly hadn’t so I ended up not doing anything.
I told Al that I was feeling pretty down about the whole thing, but he reassured me that there was a plan and people were playing dumb not to spoil the surprise.
On Monday, though, several of us got together, and someone who is outside of my closest circle of friends brought a cake because, in her words, ‘you at least deserve cake!’ While I’m not as close with her as with some people, she is someone that I would expect to know about any birthday party plans for me, so I asked my friend ‘Sunny’ what was up.
It turns out that they decided to do a joint party for me and our friend ‘Jack’; it was scheduled for his birthday, 3 weeks after mine, at a club.
I was pretty hurt. I felt like they were skipping me, and it seemed thoughtless that they were going to ignore my birthday for 3 weeks, then cram me into someone else’s party. I vented to Al about it, and he got upset with me – apparently, he was involved in the planning and they had a hard time coming up with a date when everyone would be free, so they just kept pushing it back until they realized they were all the way to Jack’s birthday and decided it was more convenient to do both at once.
He dropped me off at home after a tense car ride. I texted him to apologize and let him know that I was grateful that they’d planned something, although I did think it was insensitive to not acknowledge my birthday at all until then. He ended up apologizing to me as well, and we moved up the party to this Friday, when we’re all attending a convention in town together.
Now I feel like maybe I was a jerk, though. Like, I asked for a party, and I was getting one, and it’s a jerk move to complain that the nice thing people are doing for you isn’t nice enough, right? If it was important to me to have it by a certain date or in a certain way, I should have either made that clear or planned it myself.
But, like… no acknowledgment of my birthday from my friends AT ALL until 3 weeks later and on someone else’s birthday? I tried to approach things sensitively, but I’m worried that I’ve already ruined whatever celebration we do have.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, they are doing something for you just not in the way you had imagined. Al cleared the air by explaining how the plan came about.
Let the frustration part go and just enjoy yourself.” RealTalkFastWalk
Another User Comments:
“Man, what I would give for friends who planned a party for me at all! You are very lucky to have such a close circle of friends. Are you normally one of the people planning the parties? I’d guess so. It does seem insensitive of them and you have a point about beggars not being choosers.
Eh, this is a hard one but a very gentle ‘everyone sucks here’. I’d tell those closest to you how you feel and yet be grateful for what you have.” Goldfish_Interrupted
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I see a lot of people saying you shouldn’t expect all this fuss and planning in your 30s. But I think they are ignoring the fact that this is the culture within your group of friends.
So if it’s something you all do for each other, of course, you would expect it for yourself as well. Your partner or friends absolutely should have told you the party wasn’t going to be for 3 weeks. To leave you hanging wondering every day if something is finally going to happen is ridiculous. He should have just said, we do have a plan, but we couldn’t get everyone for 3 weeks.
Then they should have acknowledged your birthday in the meantime, have a hangout and cake with whoever was available or something.” KellyfromtheFuture
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you are a 1/5 jerk for ‘expecting’ something. But your partner and ‘friends’ are 5/5 jerks for treating your birthday like an afterthought. Do you even want to go to a club? Is that a thing you would do?
I mean, you came home on Saturday, they could have had the party then as they were free but ‘tired’. Sounds like your birthday was more of an afterthought. You deserve better friends/partner.” elizabethjanet
7. AITJ For Arguing With The Delivery Person Over A Tip?
“I use Instacart (grocery delivery app) on a regular, it’s just been a huge lifesaver with the hours I work. It helps me save funds as well by sticking to a list. I have never had any issues until today.
I have a fair-paying job and usually tip 20% or more after my order gets delivered because I like to check and make sure I got all the stuff I needed. Welp, this kid decided he wanted to ask for a larger tip based on where I live (I live outside of the city but the store he was shopping at was only 10 min away). In comparison to other stores in the city, it’s one of the closer ones and it’s not that far.
In the app, you can’t adjust the tip until after the order is delivered, and as I previously stated, that is when I usually adjust my tip. I also have never in my life had someone ask me for a larger tip so my initial reaction was shock.
Also, the tip is pre-calculated based on the amount spent. In my case, it was $50 so it put a $4 tip automatically (not $1-3 as he stated, I checked).
I feel that he didn’t even give me the opportunity to tip well but decided to pre-judge me based on the app’s pre-determined algorithm. In my opinion, tips are earned and not asked for. And he acted like I live super far but I don’t? So AITJ or is this guy just crazy? This is my shopper and my’s conversation verbatim via chat if you would like more context:
Shopper: Would you be able to tip more as you live a ways away from the store?
Me: Excuse me?
Shopper: Girl. It’s just a question. Don’t be thinking you’re all that boo come on now. Plus you tipped like $1-3 you think that’s good enough for how far you live?
Me: You do realize that’s an automatic calculation? I can change the tip amount afterward.
I tip based on work ethic and professionalism and you are not showing me either.
Shopper: I mean you can cancel the order if you want.
Me: What is your problem? Don’t worry. I will be calling customer service.
Shopper: I’m still getting paid regardless, I have a good work ethic and only asked because you live so far. You have an attitude & think you’re above me just because you’re the customer & I’m shopping for you.
You’re the one with the issue, I asked a question and you get offended like I’m some peasant.
Me: Typically you do not ASK for tips, that’s not the right etiquette. I have been using Instacart for a long time and usually tip fairly well ONCE my order has been completed so that I can adjust the amount. But right off the bat, you are asking me for more money without even delivering.
No thank you. Hang tight. I don’t want you coming to my house.
Shopper: Right off the bat, I’m like almost done with your order and replaced everything for you even while you gave me attitude beforehand. Good, I don’t wanna go to your house anyways. LOL.
Me: Don’t worry. You won’t be. In chat now. And I’ve shared the screenshots with them as well.
Shopper: Good for you.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re already paying for the service of them delivering your groceries, and you’re adding a tip, which is optional, on top of that. You are not obligated to give them more funds just because they asked. It looks like the shopper could clearly see your location before they started shopping, so they could have declined it right?
I have straight up removed tips because the service was unsatisfactory.
When you reach out to customer service ask them to ban that shopper from your account, apparently that’s a thing they can do which I discovered two weeks ago when I had to complain about a particularly terrible delivery experience.” Fine_Following_2559
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m wondering if this is becoming more common.
Last week I had a food delivery and the driver texted couldn’t locate my address. Odd, since I gave very specific directions and haven’t had an issue before. Though it’s rare I order from them. I had already tipped 25% but he said he was wasting gas looking for me and needed at least 5 dollars in cash upon delivery. So I gave that to him and the original tip had already been put on my card.
I wasn’t going to dispute it but it felt like a shakedown and I won’t be using them again.” Jintess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I really dislike how he personally attacked you, with a lot of attitude. Good on you for calling in a complaint, imagine he does this to everyone, hopefully, his term as an Instacart delivery person will be very short, he’s obviously not in the right mindset for it.” Not_really1010
6. AITJ For Being Too Busy To See My Significant Other?
“My SO lives in another state currently 3 hrs from me (moving soon for job reasons up there and will be living with her). She also hasn’t come down to hang out with me here yet and had a past ex-fiancé who had treated her wrong and lied to her about women he was seeing on the side.
We were talking on the phone and she brought up, ‘Hey, I have this weekend off, mind me coming down?’ To which I say, ‘No, I’m sorry.
Work will be busy for me’ (inventory on Monday, managing a department/cycle counting items).
This really upset her and she ended up being very unresponsive most of the night, and our talk didn’t help. She thinks I’m hiding things, even though we FaceTime and talk almost all the time when I’m not working (I usually end up working 45-55 hrs a week).
My thing is I didn’t want her to sit around waiting for me to come back from wherever I ended up finishing work, and I would be upset that I’m not off and unable to have as much time with her as I could.
She gets upset by this even though I am coming up to see her next week to spend the weekend with her for her birthday, so I figured it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Also, I will be having to move all my stuff up at some point, and figured she’d be down here to help with that process and be able to see how I live down here before I end up going up there.
Am I in the wrong here? I honestly feel terrible about the situation because I know her past with her ex, and even offered that she can still come down and I would work around it and try to get as much time with her as I could, but she’s still very hurt by it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – be as honest with her as you are in this post. Text her fun images from work (to show you are working) and at night, face time her.
Trust is learned and earned. At some point, she will have to get over her ex – and learn to trust you – but you can do stuff to help her get there.
Alternatively – you can say, ‘come down but I am going to be at work. You will need to entertain yourself all weekend but I am happy to see you.’ She will have zero right to complain if she comes down – and you are tired and not able to do much.
If she’s high maintenance about it – that is a red flag for you about her.” DragonFireLettuce
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’ve been in an LDR for 2 years (we live together now and it’s almost 3 years together) and I was the auto-sabotaging one due to trust issues. We talked it through with patience and comprehension every time until my brain finally absorbed that things could be right, you can do this, you only need to really talk and be patient… sending pictures of you at work surely would help.” APersonFromTheNet
Another User Comments:
“Inviting yourself to visit and then being told no for good reasons should be completely acceptable. She sounds needy and this is not your issue. The fact that she is jealous or has issues has nothing to do with you. You cannot change this for her only she can do so. You’re busy this weekend, you shouldn’t have to fight with someone about the fact that you’re working and she should understand.
Clearly, she needs to learn about boundaries. There is an absolutely fabulous book called, Codependent No More, that perhaps both of you should read to get a better understanding of where you end and where she begins. Boundaries and spaces and relationships are just as important as togetherness and if you want to stay in this relationship your partner has to understand this.” User
5. AITJ For Not Adopting A Cat?
“My fiancé (31M) and I (25F) just moved to our new house and we’ve decided to get our first pet together, in the end, we both agreed to adopt a cat from a shelter.
We were able to find one and after filling out several forms (those were 7-8 pages long), the owner scheduled one call, however, she didn’t call me that day and we had to reschedule the following day.
That call lasted almost 2 hours and the owner was extremely picky about our background as both of us have foreign names, (he’s a citizen and I am a legal resident), but in the end, the shelter’s owner agreed to send me information about 4 cats (I didn’t pick the cats, she just told me to trust her that those cats were good for me and my partner).
However, I received the information late, and I only received information about 1 cat out of 4 and the owner kept insisting to come to our house to inspect the house, something we’ve agreed to, but I told the owner we weren’t available that weekend as we had other appointments already.
In the end, we didn’t arrange a day for the inspection and we didn’t receive information for the other cats, so we just waited for the owner to send a follow-up.
Fortunately for us, one neighbor told us that her cat just had 8 kittens and we could adopt one as soon as they were able to feed themselves, and obviously we’ve agreed.
The shelter’s owner contacted me the same day around 11-12 pm and asked me if we wanted to proceed with the adoption, and I apologized for the delay and explained to her that we were waiting for further information and we hadn’t picked a cat yet nor scheduled an appointment with her.
I also explained that we’d decided to adopt a kitten from a neighbor instead, again I apologized for the inconvenience and wished her good luck with the shelter.
She completely lost her mind and started calling me a disrespectful, irresponsible, and plain bad person for not answering her message sooner (again it was around 11 pm at night, so I answered the next day) and making her lose her time.
She refused to accept my apologies and said that we didn’t deserve her cats and continued to call me names (both on messaging apps) and blocked me on both platforms.
I’d like to clarify that we chose to adopt the kitten simply because it’s more convenient for us.
The neighbor is obviously closer to our house, we are able to pick the kitten we like and we don’t have to pay a mandatory ‘donation’ fee (almost $200USD) to a shelter besides paying extra fees to make our house suitable according to the shelter’s standards, we also don’t have to keep arranging more appointments and inspections.
The shelter’s owner already knows me and my fiancé as we both were taking care of a lost cat that we returned to its owner, so she can confirm that we are not bad owners.
AITJ for choosing to adopt a kitten from our neighbors over a shelter’s cat?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Still going to cost a considerable amount when you get the kitten its shots and spay/neuter… Which I seriously hope you do.
That would have come done with a shelter pet.
Besides that, sounds like it was a bad experience overall with someone who was a pain to deal with as well as unprofessional and if you try again, search out several rescues. The cats at the shelter are safe for now.
Your neighbor and yourself should spay/neuter your cats unless you are actual breeders. We already have enough animal corpses for the crematoriums. That’s my personal opinion though and people do as they want.” Few_Philosopher2039
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the shelter owner calling names and correspondence at almost midnight seems like bad business. Cats are always going to be born as long as people have unspayed cats. A neighbor happened to have kittens around the time you were looking for a cat so that is convenient as long as you get all the right shots and spay/neuter the kitten.
She probably assumed you picked the kitten for the baby effect and got upset for her animals who take longer to get adopted and eventually will be put down if they don’t get picked. Either way, she had no right to attack you for simply deciding to not continue with her shelter.” strangelique
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I’m a huge proponent of adopting from shelters, that doesn’t mean you need to put up with that type of invasive behavior.
They have a right to ask for references, and maybe run a background check to make sure you’ve never hurt an animal, but that’s it. They certainly don’t have the right to inspect your home. The shelter is to blame for losing their cats a good home.” FrederickChase
4. AITJ For The Way I Responded To My Sister's Text?
“My sister is 27 and has a weight problem. My parents have tried to help her with it for years and years, I’ve tried to help because she’s asked for help, and our brother has tried to help after she asked. What she does is she seeks out help, gets help, and then doesn’t want to do anything on her own and falls apart.
She likes all the help, attention, and sympathy, but, doesn’t want to do the work.
Today, I get a text from my sister saying that, because she’s never been heavier than she is right now, having weighed herself this morning, she doesn’t want to be a part of going home for Mother’s Day as the 3 of us have planned. She doesn’t want them to see her this heavy, with her clothes as snug as they are, and she thinks staying home would be best. I asked her how she put on weight, fully knowing what types of foods she keeps around.
She told me that she just doesn’t have time in her day to cook so she opts for ‘quick food’ (her code for junk food), and that she doesn’t have time for exercise and that even if she did, her exercise equipment in the building she lives in ‘sucks’.
I’d heard enough and told her she’s the only reason she’s getting fatter and fatter, not the old equipment, that she has the time to cook actual food, but is lazy and chooses not to.
I told her to stop whining and deflecting and just face the music that she’s to blame for the obesity and the tight clothes. My other point to her was, Mom & Dad will pretty easily piece together the mystery of why she’s not there. There’ve been plenty of other times when they’ve visited and she’s been 10-15 pounds up from when they last saw her.
She said in her response that I was a jerk & that I’d caused her a migraine.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for saying all that stuff. She didn’t ask you this time and, frankly, saying that stuff to overweight people never accomplishes anything except making them feel bad. The correct response was, ‘ok. We’ll miss you.’ Then you hang up and don’t discuss her weight with her at all.
If she chooses to let her weight issues dictate her life, that’s on her. She very obviously needs therapy to deal with her self-esteem issues and what you said did not help.
Plenty of people will say NTJ, she asked for it, everyone sucks here. But if you have any compassion, you will realize that you crossed the line.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is a manipulator in how she would ask for help when she only wants attention and never actually tried to help herself.
Now, I was going to say everyone sucks here because it sounds like you were being rather mean and insensitive in your tone. The ‘screw your feelings and get off your butt’ way of talking, which I can assure you does not help fat people lose weight. But, since your sister has been manipulative with you, I think your lack of patience can be excused.
Granted, if you actually want to help her (i.e., you aren’t simply fed up and done), then change your tone. This kind of tone does not help.” ShiningConcepts
Another User Comments:
“Wow, you are the jerk.
Let me let you in on a secret. You don’t know why your sister is obese. You think you know, but you don’t. Could be b***d chemistry.
Could be genetics. Could be allergies. Could be she eats the wrong things. But you don’t know. You’re a jerk for assuming that you do.
She doesn’t want to do the work, huh? What work is that? She doesn’t want to eat the way you think she should eat? Work out the way you think she should work out. You say you and your family have helped when she’s asked?
How have you done that? Have you sent her meal plans? Done a body chemistry analysis? Or have you done cool things like ‘encouraged her?’ Sent her diet plans you heard about somewhere? You’re a jerk for even suggesting that she doesn’t want to do the work because you’ve no idea what the work is. No one does. If anyone had a real secret to weight loss, they’d put Elon Musk to shame.
There is no secret; bodies react in different ways.
Here’s another secret. You’re not thinner than her because you’re a better person, or more disciplined, or less lazy, or make better choices. Nine times out of ten, you’re thinner than she is because there’s something in your body that keeps you thinner than her. That’s it. Nothing more.
So you’re a jerk for shaming her.
You’re a jerk for preaching what you don’t understand. You’re a jerk for insisting she go into a difficult situation. You’re a jerk for giving yourself credit and her blame for things that may very well be out of her control. And even if they aren’t, you’re a jerk for making her feel bad about who she is and how she looks.
In short, you’re just a jerk.” whiporee123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ/everyone sucks here. She asks for help gets it then lets it fall apart. She is bringing her family into the issue making it known it bothers her that she is overweight and seems to be continuously asking for help. After a while of helping someone who ends up not helping themselves you will just get to the point, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them but sometimes it comes across as too harsh.
Sounds like she needs to talk to someone about the weight loss like a dietitian and maybe a therapist to get to the bottom of what is going on entirely. And to those of you talking about body shaming, it doesn’t sound like that at all, they’re concerned because they know her weight bothers her. OP is fed up with the excuses and the hiding/lack of accountability in which eating fast food causes some severe bodily damage after a while.” Lostmorningstar
3. WIBTJ If I Keep The Painting My Aunt Gifted?
“Way back in 1967, my parents got married. One of their favorite wedding gifts was a painting done by my aunt, Mom’s sister.
This painting has hung in a place of prominence on the walls of every home we have ever lived in and since my dad was in the military, that was a lot of homes.
Recently my mother passed away so my siblings and I went through her stuff (most of it was junk) and everyone claimed what they wanted, which wasn’t much because as I said, most of it was junk.
When I said I wanted the painting, everyone else was fine with it. Surprisingly, there was not one argument about anything anyone claimed.
But now I find out that there may be one brewing. My cousin, my aunt’s older son seems to think that his mother should get the painting back. At least, that is the word I’m getting from other people, but he has not yet said anything so maybe it’s just a rumor.
Like most families, I have a few relatives that like to create drama.
Anyway, if he does ask, would I be wrong to say no? I feel that since the painting was a gift to my parents, it’s the same as everything else they owned. It all goes to me and my siblings to be divided how we choose.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was your mother’s painting and now it’s yours.
If none of you kids had wanted it then yes giving it to your aunt would have been the right move. Your cousin’s opinion doesn’t matter so IF he says anything tell him no and that what happened to your mother’s possessions was none of his business.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This was a gift to your parents from your aunt. A gift is a gift. The aunt nor her son have the right to have the painting returned. Your siblings decided on how to distribute your parents’ things and you got the picture.
You have no obligation to give it up. Enjoy it!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a wedding gift. Unless there’s some background about this being your aunt’s magnum opus and she only parted with it because she had nothing else to give or something, yeah, it just goes to the family in my opinion. Can you imagine ‘well she passed away so we want this gravy boat that had no significance to us back’?
It’s been a part of your home and your life, not your aunt’s.” SordidMorbidCreature
2. AITJ For Telling People I Had A Fight With My Best Friend?
“I’ve known my best friend for 7 years now. We (21f and 20f) have been best friends for 4 years. We’ve always done everything together, promising ourselves to always be together. I eventually fell in love with her. When she got engaged we would still be friends, but little by little she became distant and cold towards me.
This bothered me so much that I decided to confront her and she basically told me she didn’t need my friendship anymore. We stopped talking and I told my social media friends everything that happened; the day after this happened she texted me she didn’t want me to share posts on what happened, but I had already done it.
One of my friends later went to hers and told her what I did.
She got really mad, saying I wanted to ruin her reputation and that I was a liar – which is not true because I only wanted to have support from my friends. A month later she came back saying she missed me and that she wanted to make out. I believed her, but the same night she changed her mind because she couldn’t trust me anymore.
It’s been another month and of course, we don’t have contact anymore. I think of her every day, suffering because I’m obviously still in love with her and I can’t believe our friendship is over because of my posts on social media. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it sounds like she is stringing you along. She never wanted to make out with you, she just wanted to get back at you for posting about her.
She is engaged to someone else, you need to move on, you are only torturing yourself with the idea of a relationship that is not going to happen. That way only lies more heartbreak for you.
Next time maybe message your friends privately because you’re more likely to say things you’ll regret in moments of drama, and posting it publicly suggests that part of you wanted her to see it or for it to be repeated back to her.” SellQuick
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The internet has done more harm to society than help. It used to be that problems or arguments you had with one another were kept between those two people because running around and telling everyone about something they aren’t even involved in was considered ridiculous and absurd. It used to be these kinds of people lost their friends and respect because of this behavior.
Now with the advent of social media, it gives every person a platform to run their mouths off on, even when it has nothing to do with all the people you are involved.
I personally find it incredibly distasteful, people like that don’t remain my friends for long.
Your friend got married, and they have more people to cater to than just yourself. When I read your post I just imagine you as a clingy, needy friend who lashed out when they were told to chill out and then ran to social media to get even with them.
If you thought this would strengthen your relationship with this person at all, you’re going to be surprised.
Based on your post, you are also a home wrecker, as you agreed to meet them to ‘make out’. You know they are married, you just don’t care. I have no respect for that.” User
1. AITJ For Not Tipping The Waitress?
“I (f18) actually am a waitress myself. I work at both a breakfast place and a wedding venue.
This past Sunday I went with my partner (m18), my sister (f20), and a couple of my sister’s friends to a diner for lunch. It wasn’t too much of a bad experience, I know they were just busy. But when my sister and her friends got there they tried to get a table but since my partner and I were running late they told her that they couldn’t be seated until the rest of the party was there and when we did get there and got seated, they crammed us into a table that really couldn’t fit 6 people, but we dealt with it.
Our waitress was an older woman and she was a little rude, I’m not sure if she was because we were a group of young people or because she was just stressed, she kind of rushed us to get our orders when we just sat down. When the food came out she forgot my turkey burger and when I told her she just ran away which was odd but she brought it out anyways, I didn’t like it to be honest, and I think it might have gotten cooked next to some fish or something cause it had a hint of a fishy taste, the meat was also white which I know turkey is white meat but I’ve never seen a white turkey burger but I brushed it off.
When it came down to payment we all got separate checks with an automatic tip put into every check. Everyone was charged about a $5ish tip so she would be getting a $30ish tip or so. I didn’t feel like she deserved a tip just from myself since she brought my food a lot later than everyone else’s and I was just going to lower it down to $2, she still would be making a decent tip including everyone else.
If I was eating by myself I would’ve paid the $5 because it is coming from just one person.
Also, I absolutely hate automatic tips, where I work we don’t do that. I believe people shouldn’t be forced to tip, a tip should be something you want to do. Anyways tho, I went to pay at the front and I asked the manager I think at the desk if I could lower my tip to just $2 and he told me no, and rudely told me that ‘things happen you just have to accept how it is,’ after I explained about my food coming out a lot later than everyone else in my group.
So this annoyed me and I was like a Karen and told him ‘yeah I know that but I’m a waitress too and I don’t demand tips like this’. After I said that now he was willing to help me but he said I could either tip or he can take the tip off so I told him to take it off.
Now that I’m thinking back on it I do feel guilty and felt that I might have been the jerk in this situation.
Edit: forgot to mention, but the wait difference between when I got my food and from the rest of my group got theirs was around a 30 min wait difference.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for several reasons. First and foremost, you acknowledged it was busy. And you also acknowledged that you were half an hour late. But then you’re also upset that they wouldn’t seat your party without you (for the exact reason that it was busy, and they didn’t want a table seated but not ordering anything).
As a waitress, you know this. You also know that everyone has rough days where they’re a little more brusque than may be necessary.
Next, you said you have a problem with automatic tips, and yet you also said that you’re a waitress for a wedding venue. News flash: wedding vendors typically have automatic tips. That means that you could give the worst possible service and still get a big tip.
Obviously, you wouldn’t have a job for very long, but that’s not the point – the point is that the tip is predetermined.
Third, stop using the rest of your group’s tip as justification for you shorting her.
Fourth, please remember that karma is a you know what.” beag_ach_dian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she was rude, rushed you, and had your food come out 30 minutes after everyone else with no mention of it to you.
Tips should be based on service, if you want a good tip, give good service. I don’t believe in being able to have off days, if you’re not feeling up to it then call off. You don’t get to give bad service and still expect to get tipped for it. What other profession do people just get to understandably have bad days and still come in and get paid?
Not a thing. I’ve been a waitress before as well and have never rushed my customers even tho my managers tried to push a 30min flip time. And if the kitchen was on some nonsense, I’d always let my customers know about it, apologize and not just have them waiting.” NeekedNewt
Another User Comments:
“Not enough info… but YTJ. ‘It wasn’t too much of a bad experience’.
Tips are based on the bill, not the number of people. $32 is fine if the total spent is < $150. Depending on total spending, you may not have shorted her as a group, but there are rules. As a waitress, you should know that food prep is the kitchen and not the waitress. You could have brought up your concern to the waitress, but you did not (based on your post).
Most likely, the same is true with your food being late (unless you legit suspect she forgot to submit it). Same w/ the auto-tip. That’s the restaurant, not the server… and you picked the restaurant.
Look, I think there are certain reasons why people do a terrible job, and withholding a tip is warranted. This is not one of them. You don’t take your opinions out on the waitstaff.” Away_Refuse8493
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
So it’s unlikely the waitress decided the seating policy, implemented the automatic tip policy, decided how to cook your burger, or made the supply decisions that resulted in the unusual color.
It feels like most of this is blaming her for stuff that isn’t her fault.
Where I live, automatic tips are usually disclosed on the menu and calibrated to check size, not a flat $5.
So the restaurant needs to communicate better. But again, the waitress probably has nothing to do with that policy.” madelinegumbo
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