People Ask Us To Choose Sides In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Making My Friend's Fiancé File A Claim With His Insurance When He Hit My Car?
“Back in November I was visiting my friend at her place, helping her plan her wedding when her fiancé backed into my car because he forgot it was parked behind him.
He hit it pretty hard causing my front driver’s side headlight to be smashed and completely throwing off the alignment of the hood. He offered to take it into the shop to see what the damages were, and the shop had told him that because of pre-existing rust and parts that needed to be replaced, it was impossible to fix the damage without fixing the previous damages.
He offered to give me $400 under the table for the damage. I did not quite believe that would be enough to cover his damages so I took the car myself to a collision inspector, who told me that it was actually about $3000 worth of damage from his accident alone.
I asked him to file a claim with his insurance and he refused. Luckily he did end up giving me his policy information and I was able to file the claim and get the damage taken care of.
Because of this, I was kicked out of their wedding and they haven’t spoken to me since. They are furious that I would file an insurance claim when there was pre-existing damage and caused his insurance rates to go up with this claim.
I feel that if it was anyone else in this situation and not a friend, they would be forced to file a claim for the accident anyways and I shouldn’t have to drive around with a smashed headlight because of his mistake.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t the jerk here. He wasn’t paying attention and hit your car. He was responsible for the damage he caused and he probably knew $400 wasn’t going to cover the damages.
Insurance exists for this reason. It sucks that his rate went up, but he has no one to blame but himself.
They are really immature for booting you from their wedding over this.
He messed up and is mad you wouldn’t take a $3,000 hit for him instead of owning up to his responsibilities. Your friend is a pretty trashy friend if she can’t understand this. You are better off without the kind of drama people like this cause.” Viperbunny
Another User Comments:
“It’s not like he was offering you the actual money to fix the damage he caused, and you ignored that and went through his insurance anyway. HE WAS TRYING TO NOT PAY FOR THE DAMAGE HE CAUSED. You GAVE him a chance to do the right thing, and to do it his way, and he tried to screw you over.
That’s why insurance exists. That’s why it’s legally mandated. You don’t get to destroy other people’s property and tell them to******* up.
You don’t need friends like that. They aren’t your friends. Now they’ve shown you what they are really like.” robobreasts
Another User Comments:
“Maybe you could have tried asking him to pony up some more toward the repairs. But I don’t find it unreasonable to want your car repaired when it’s not your fault it was damaged.
You’re not the jerk. They are being petty for punting you from the wedding. He messed up. You shouldn’t have to pay for it.” User
13. AITJ For Being Upset About A Pregnancy Joke?
“I am a 22yr old male about to graduate college. This happened yesterday, mother’s day, at work.
I work at a restaurant in downtown Chicago, and for those of you who don’t know, mother’s day is our second busiest day of the year, so I already wasn’t in the best mood.
I work with my roommate and my girl, my roommate and I work in the same section, and my partner works as a hostess on the other side of the restaurant.
It was a hectic day at work and we had two new people working, which just made matters worse.
When I first showed up I saw my roommate and partner whispering to each other, saying something like ‘did you tell him yet?’ Knowing they were talking about me, I asked them what they were talking about, and they just changed the subject.
This happened about 1-2 more times that day, but I just kicked it to the back of my mind, as that day was very busy.
I could go into all the garbage I went through at work that day, but I will skip it to be concise.
Basically, I wasn’t in the best of moods at this time, but things were dying down and I was looking forward to leaving. I went into the back, and my roommate and the chef were all laughing in the back.
When my roommate saw me he shouted ‘idiot got her pregnant!’ My roommate then told him ‘no she didn’t tell him yet!’ At this point, I was beginning to get flustered, and the chef and my roommate were telling me what I should have done not to get my partner pregnant, with my roommate telling me what a big mistake it was when he had a baby at my age.
They continued to grill me, but I just stood there and took it, as there was someone upfront I was helping get food for. I went back up front and took care of the customer, and my mind started racing with thoughts.
Is she really pregnant? Why did she tell everyone else first? Needless to say, I start to freak out a bit. The only time she and I had talked about kids is when we talked about how much we don’t like and don’t want them.
So I called her over, and the conversation went like this.
Me: ‘So people have been saying some things about you, is there anything you need to tell me?’
Her: ‘Maybe.’
At this point my heart starts pounding, this isn’t looking good.
Me: ‘Well what does that mean? If you have something to tell me you can just tell me.’
Her: ‘Not at work.’
I’m starting to freak out, the only reason she wouldn’t want to tell me at work is if it was something serious.
Me: ‘Does it have to do with…’
Her: ‘Yes.’
My eyes grow wide, my hands start shaking, and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.
Me: ‘Are you pregnant?’
Her: ‘Yes, I’m pregnant.’
I take a step back, as my brain starts to process the gravity of what she just said.
I feel the adrenaline kicking through my body, I have no idea how to respond. I’m staring at her wide-eyed when my roommate jumps out from behind the door, and they both scream ‘surprise!’ This does not help with my anxiety, as my heart beats faster.
My partner then says ‘just kidding I wasn’t really pregnant!’ My roommate says, ‘yeah we got you!’ My mouth is open, b***d is kicking and I cannot make words come out of my mouth.
I say, ‘I need to be alone right now.’ I then go to the bathroom to try and calm down, be alone, and process. This feels like the start of a panic attack, but I calm myself down a little bit and go back upfront.
There was a customer up there looking to place an order and throughout the conversation, my words aren’t coming outright, and I’m still flustered. When I hand him my pen to sign the check, I bump into him because I can’t control my hand.
I am obviously not calmed down yet. I go to the back and my roommate attacks me. ‘Why are you being so weird?’, ‘you should have known it was just a joke’, ‘quit being a jerk’.
To which I respond shut up, don’t tell me how to feel, and you almost gave me a panic attack. He keeps trying to get in my face to force me to calm down, which was making me even more upset, and I tell him to watch upfront because I need to be alone right now and cool off.
As I am going towards the bathroom again, my partner intercepts me. ‘Did I ever tell you how much I adore you?’ I can still feel the adrenaline pumping through me, and I just stare at her.
She goes in to hug me and I am still freaking out, but I try to hug her back, which turns into a weird half hug. She gets upset with me and storms off.
I then go back into the bathroom and cool off for about fifteen minutes, which helps, and then go back to finally finish my shift. I look for my partner to talk this out, but she had already gone home.
Great. Now she’s mad at me. I later learn that this whole joke was orchestrated by another coworker, but it was supposed to go like this:
Her: ‘Why haven’t you wished me a happy mother’s day?’
Me: ‘Why would I?’
Her: ‘Because I’m pregnant!’ ‘Just kidding!’
When I got off of work, I texted saying sorry that I got upset, but I was so flustered I couldn’t say anything.
No reply. So tell me, am I the jerk for responding how I did?”
Another User Comments:
“They took the joke way too far. Every sane person would have reacted in the exact same way you did.
On April 1st, my sister left a positive pregnancy test on the kitchen table, but when her partner came home and saw it, she immediately revealed the joke. That was funny and they both laughed.
Your girl made you feel horrible, especially the thing with her telling everyone else first would have hurt me like crazy. Revealing the joke doesn’t mean that all your bad feelings never happened. It’s like punching someone in the face and saying ‘just kidding.’
You have every right to be angry at everyone who participated, but mostly she is in for a big apology. They messed up.” notapantsday
Another User Comments:
“Your partner is a thoughtless jerk.
It’s stupid enough to joke about stuff like pregnancy, which you just do NOT joke about.
But when it was obviously BOTHERING you, she didn’t APOLOGIZE. Did you get this:
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry!
It was supposed to be funny! I didn’t mean to upset you! I’m so sorry!’ followed by attempts to make it up to you?
Oh, no. You basically got ‘it’s YOUR fault you didn’t find it funny’ and ‘you should just get over it’ and ‘your feelings aren’t real feelings I need to concern myself with because it’s not like you’re an actual person or something.’
And then she tricked YOU into apologizing.
Joking about pregnancy might not be worth ending a relationship over, but her reaction to the expression of your (completely understandable) feelings IS.
Get out.
And I guarantee you she will be annoyed like you are dumping her over nothing important.
Because your feelings are, to her, nothing important. She’ll blame you, she’ll probably tell people you ‘can’t take a joke’ as if that’s what it is all about.
Take that hit, just get out of there.” robobreasts
Another User Comments:
“No, you aren’t the jerk. They are. I don’t think there’s anything funny/smart/original about pretending to be pregnant and I don’t blame you for panicking at first because anyone would in your situation.
They sound like jerks for being mad at you tbh.
I’m a girl and I would never do the fake ‘I’m pregnant’ joke because it’s just plain stupid and mean-spirited. Either you discover your man would ditch you or you get his hopes up and then crush them, it’s pointless and immature.
Girls who fake pregnancies and get crazy because you don’t laugh at their unfunny jokes aren’t worth keeping around.” User
12. AITJ For Being Short With A Waitress?
“So, two friends and I arrive at a diner and sit in the waiting area.
We’re waiting for a fourth friend. We’re just talking about this and that, not being loud or rude or anything. Eventually, the manager walks in and asks if we insulted an old couple that had just walked in.
We honestly didn’t and said so, but it was clear he didn’t believe us. So, we were a little miffed at the start but we were allowed to get a table anyway.
We sit down.
I look at the menu. I dislike cheeseburgers and the last time I was at this diner, I ordered a burger but got a cheeseburger instead. I wanted to make sure this didn’t happen again.
This is what the menu looked like:
- All American Burger (cheese is listed as a topping as well as lettuce and tomato and it comes with a side)
- Cheeseburger
- Cowboy Burger
- Several more complicated burgers
- Plain burger (no cheese, lettuce, tomato, or side)
I glanced at the burger section of the menu and didn’t even look down at the bottom because I naturally assumed the burgers would get more and more complicated. This is where the interaction with the waitress takes place.
I asked for an ‘All American Burger without cheese.’ She got very confused
‘Wait? No cheese?’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s a cheeseburger.’
‘Yes, I don’t like cheese. I’d like a hamburger.’
‘So you just want the burger and nothing on it?’
I knew my response to this would be critical because this is usually where a misunderstanding happens. I didn’t want to end up getting a patty without a bun or lettuce or tomato.
So, I responded:
‘I want the burger, buns, lettuce, and tomato.’
‘So the All American Burger without cheese?’
(This is where I got a little short with her)
‘Yes, that’s why I said it.’
Anyway, she was still confused because I essentially ordered a cheeseburger without cheese (even though it’s listed as a burger on the title…) and she instead suggested that I get the plain burger and ask for lettuce and tomato as toppings.
I just wanted to be done with it so I settled on that and didn’t get a side (and I didn’t say it, but I was confused as to how a burger with two extra toppings was less complicated than asking for a burger with one less.)
My friends tell me I was rude when she left. A little later, my milkshake comes. It’s overflowing. I’m not over-exaggerating. She brought it with a stack of napkins so it didn’t get on the table and it was dripping on every side.
I didn’t like the milkshake anyway so I just gave it to my friend, but I was still a little miffed.
Anyway, we eventually get our food and I apologize for the earlier misunderstanding.
She says it’s fine and that she knows the menus can be confusing sometimes. We finish our meals, I tip her, and we leave.
My friends still cite this incident as the time when I was a jerk to a waitress, but I honestly don’t think I was.
I was just trying to take precautions so my order didn’t get messed up and I feel like compared to what other customers she probably gets on a daily basis, I was fine.
In all honesty, I think my friends are upset because we spent a lot of the dinner talking about an anime and they were arguing with me because I said I hated an episode of it.”
Another User Comments:
“I honestly think to properly answer this question, since your friends are the ones who think you are a jerk, I would need to hear their testimony before I would say you aren’t a jerk.
This sounds a little one-sided, though you did include that you were a little short with her and said ‘Yes, that’s why I said it.’
Obviously, she was an awful waitress, but that doesn’t excuse you from being a jerk and I’d like to just hear why your friends say you were so adamantly.” zjbird
Another User Comments:
“Probably a tone thing, which can be interpreted differently by you, the waitress, and your friends. It sounds like you might have gotten a little frustrated but with good reason.
Other than disliking cheeseburgers (seriously?) you’re not a jerk.” User
Another User Comments:
“I agree with what the others said about tone and would like to throw in the idea that she might have suggested the plain burger with extra toppings because it worked out cheaper than buying the All American and she was at first confused over why you would want to spend more.
Like you said, you didn’t read to the end of the menu and that’s generally where the ‘extras’ pricing is.” User
11. AITJ For Not Giving Way At The Laundry Room?
“So my university has 6 washing machines to accommodate 500 students. Naturally, this means there’s often a queue.
I get lucky and come in at a time when there are 2 washing machines free. I have a ‘colored’ and a ‘whites’ load. I put them in and start up the machine. I’m passing by about 15 minutes later to check how much time I have before the cycle finishes.
I see that one washing machine had stopped (it happens from time to time with these machines) and the clothes inside are still dirty.
One person is waiting for a machine to become free (someone I know, but not exactly a close friend).
I go to re-start the cycle on mine, he asked me about it and I explain the situation. He tells me he’s been waiting 10 minutes for a machine to become free so I should be offering the machine to him first. I explain to him that I need to put my clothes in the dryer (which takes an hour) after washing them and if one cycle finishes much earlier than the other it prolongs the time I have to wait for my washing to get done (and for me to go out).
He explains that he’s sweating, he’s just played football, he needs clean clothes and a shower, etc.
When he sees I’m not going to give way, he gets quite agitated and at one point I could tell he was thinking of starting a fight.
He calms down eventually, shakes my hand, and apologizes for his behavior. I’m not sure if he’s being sarcastic/joking with the apology (considering how angry he was seconds ago) but he assures me he’s not.
This happened about a month ago but at the time I wondered whether I was a jerk or reasonable? I just didn’t expect him to get so (temporarily) heated over it.
I’ve seen him a couple of times since then and he’s been cool and it’s not been awkward so it hasn’t damaged our relationship.
But he did tell one of our mutual friends about it, which makes me think he’s not quite as happy and apologetic as he seemed.”
Another User Comments:
“So to get things straight.
You go in and see two machines. Take them both. After about 15 minutes you come back to check in, and you see that one machine has stopped (as they do occasionally) so you go in to restart it, and that’s when you run into this guy who thinks you should give him the machine rather than restart?
Are you the jerk for taking two machines? Nope. If the machines work on a first come first serve basis rather than booking then that’s fine.
If you restarted the machine that shut down, and you did this within 15 minutes of initially starting it, I’d say you’re in the clear.
He should know as well as you that these machines have errors, and it’s not like you let it wait the whole cycle time (I guess about an hour?) before checking. If the machine hadn’t stopped, it wouldn’t have been available anyway.
No. Not the jerk.” sense_make
Another User Comments:
“6 machines for 500 students and you take 2 for your own convenience and refuse to give one up (for your personal gain) while someone was waiting and it was stopped?
Yes. You are a jerk. If there was no one and he came in mid load that is different but it was stopped and you could have taken your clothes out and just ran another load or just ran two loads (one colored and one white) on one machine because it would have been foreseeable that someone would walk in.
When supplies are scarce, only take what you need. Not what you want.” Fudgms
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Taking up two washing machines is fine if it’s on a first-come, first-serve basis.
If you had taken over five+ then you’d be a jerk in case someone had an emergency but two is fine and no different from simply doing another wash immediately after the first (if you continued to wait in line).
You restarted it only fifteen minutes in. That’s fair enough and necessary. You didn’t need to check but you still did and I think that’s polite.” User
First come first serve for a reason. Get it done and get out of the way.
10. AITJ For Not Owing Customers A Staircase Unless They Have A Condition?
“I work in a high-end department store i.e. (Tiffany’s or Shreve, Crump, and Low) located in a 150-year-old building. We’re 6 floors tall, one of which is a manufacturing area where we make some of the wares.
There’s machinery, chemicals, fumes, and salty workers on that floor who occasionally discuss at a shout which one of the others can go screw himself. A bunch of people involved in the manufacturing have to come and go from this floor throughout the day, are usually pretty grimy and they use a stairwell in the back of the store (right by a back entrance).
Because we don’t want customers to go anywhere near this area, we provide an elevator in the front of the store that goes to every other floor, but not the factory unless you have a key.
The sales staff is dressed formally, and the customers are usually dressed well. The stairwell is behind an ’employees only’ door and isn’t easy to find. So, you don’t even know it exists unless you ask for special treatment.
Somehow, when they find out there is an elevator that takes them to the upper floors, 1 out of 20 shoppers have to ask if there’s a staircase they can use instead. We used to assume some people were claustrophobic or feared elevators and led them through the stairway as a courtesy.
Eventually, it became clear that the majority of people asking for the stairs were only doing so because they want ‘the exercise’. So we started explaining to whoever asked that there is a stairway that goes through a maintenance area, but it’s really not suitable for the public, which is why we provide the elevator.
All of them say they’d rather take the stairway anyway. So I just let them do it and hope no one rubs their Chanel pantsuit against a wall that the 1st shift smeared with grime when they left an hour ago.
Should I tolerate this? I don’t think I owe these people a workout, and it doesn’t make sense to have people there. If I walked into Walmart and asked the greeter where the guns are, should I also be able to expect him to provide me with a weight belt so I can pull out some weighted squat thrusts on the way there… or would that make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“To answer your question as requested, no I don’t think you ‘owe’ it to them necessarily, but it is odd for a business to have no (non-emergency) stair option at all, so I can see how it would throw people off.
And being that your store is a fancy pants kinda place, your customers aren’t going to be accustomed to being told ‘no’ so someone is bound to get irate at some point.
This sounds more like a failure on the part of the owners.
Either provide a 2nd stairway that is accessible to the public or stop being so hoity-toity about customers seeing the dirty grimy laborers. Correct me if I’m wrong but I assume that most of your clientele are businessmen or otherwise professionals that appreciate high-quality products.
Such people are generally appreciative of what it really takes to make/modify this sort of thing on site and understand that the craftsmen are generally blue-collar types who smell like sweat and curse a lot.
You said that you warn them ahead of time that the stairwell is a non-public appropriate, logistical type service area; I say that if they understand that and still prefer to use the stairs then they can’t (and probably won’t) complain about getting some sawdust on their Italian shoes on their way up.
Some people just prefer stairs. I say this because I am that way. It’s not so much about getting exercise at that moment as it is that taking the stairs is just what we do.
Most people seem to take the elevator down from the 2nd floor as if the stairs aren’t even an option. People like me are the opposite and only use elevators if it is very impractical to do otherwise.
If you want to dissuade them then maybe try telling them that the owners request that the stairs only be used for emergencies. If it were me I wouldn’t care about being around the workers but I would respect a request that the stairs be avoided.” Bacon_IsGood
Another User Comments:
“There’s plenty of reasons why people would prefer to take the stairs besides ‘the exercise’, but that’s not the point. There are surely plenty of reasons why you would prefer customers to take the elevator, but that’s also not the point.
You’re not the jerk for having a standard operating procedure that’s missing a standard option, but you’re still missing that option. People are going to be people and you have to realize that you are not meeting what most people seem to expect.
They are never going to change. Your explanation might be perfect and you can explain it to a million of them but they’re never going to learn because they’ll just grow another ignorant customer head that expects a nice clean staircase.
The only thing you have control over here is the protocol over routing these customers, and your attitude towards them (both inwardly and outwardly). So long as you aren’t a jerk when they inevitably ask, no you’re not the jerk.” DrProbably
Another User Comments:
“It is reasonable for them to want to rake the stairs. The thing that comes off as sounding like a jerk is when you say they want to take the stair under the illusion that it is exercise.
It is exercise. Some people are trying to make better lifestyle choices and that includes little things like taking the stairs instead of an elevator. It may not seem like a lot and it may not be a lot of exercise, but it is more about making healthier choices and sticking to them.
Some people don’t like elevators. It seems like your store is missing a component that is in demand and that is something to consider. If you are letting people use these stairs you should make sure they are clean and not a hazard, not only in case of a fire but because it is a liability if you let someone use the stairs and they get hurt because they were not well maintained. Since you need to have stairwell access in case of a fire anyways, you should always keep the stairs in a presentable and safe condition.” Viperbunny
I would tell people that management is very unhappy that customers have been allowed back there (for no good reason) and it's STRICTLY no longer allowed.
And no, 'because they want to' is NOT a good reason
9. AITJ For Not Trusting Someone We Don't Know?
“My partner and I are in our early twenties and live in the UK. Over the last few years, she has been getting into modeling and doing various photoshoots. I’ve always tried to support her as much as I can (I always come along with her to shoots, etc).
Recently, a photographer from Spain got in touch with her and said that he’d like to work with her. He’s a retired British male who frequently works with models from the UK – he says that as long as she pays for the flights he’s happy to provide her with accommodation and food for the weekend, in exchange for a photoshoot and her posing for his life drawing class.
She mentioned that she’d feel better if I could come along too, which the photographer said was fine. However, I said I had reservations about staying with somebody that we didn’t know in a foreign country.
We argued about it a bit but eventually agreed to go along but to stay in a hotel.
Today we booked our flights, and we’re not going to be arriving until after midnight.
The photographer has offered to pick us up straight from the airport and drop us at our hotel – again, I had some reservations about this. I explained that I don’t see why this guy is going above and beyond, offering us accommodation and rides when she’s only doing a few hours of work for him over the weekend (which she is also getting paid for).
She argues that he’s just being professional – he’s married and has a reliable web presence (he does look to be a good photographer and he’s got testimonials from female models who have gone alone to stay with him and his wife).
She points out that if he was up to anything dodgy, why would he go to the trouble of coaxing someone over from the UK when friends and family are going to know where they are?
She claims that I’m overthinking and worrying too much and that I need to loosen up.
I can see her side but I’m very reluctant to trust this guy. To me it seems like he’s trying way too hard to have contact with us outside of the proposed work – I’ve said that I’m still happy to go but we should definitely keep contact with him limited to the work (for example, sort our own airport transfers and not go to his house).
She keeps asking me what I think he’s going to do, and I guess I can’t really provide a clear answer – it’s just in my nature not to trust a stranger, especially within an industry like modeling which I argued is notorious for exploitation.
Also, I think the fact he has a good reputation on a few websites is pretty much meaningless.
What do you guys think? Do I need to loosen up a little or am I right not to trust someone we’ve never met?”
Another User Comments:
“I can see both sides. from his (the photographer’s) point of view, assuming it’s innocent, he’s asking her (both of you) over to a foreign country to do some work.
It’s possible he’s trying to make you feel welcome, comfortable, and not alone while you’re there. On the flip side, what better way to get you alone and drive you off to his torture house than pick you up from the airport and take you somewhere you don’t know.
It’s a tough call, be cautious but don’t seem overly paranoid. Maybe tell a friend or parent you’ll contact them in a few hours and where you are and with who. It’s a fairly unusual situation.
Good luck.” jado5150
Another User Comments:
“Taking what you said as the only context, and that arrangement like this is not unheard of, I don’t think there’s something he did to warrant that amount of mistrust off the bat as a person.
That being said, I think safety is a valid concern. I would do this to cover your bases… leave all your trip information with a trusted friend/family and tell them when you’ll check in with them if you’re that iffy.
Since you’re arriving late, just have your partner tell the photographer that you don’t want to inconvenience him so late and that you booked a cab already to the hotel.
Then meet the guy in person at the shoot, or have him come to the hotel if he wants to meet beforehand.
Get an idea of his character. Evaluate from there. If sketchy, just make excuses to minimize time spent outside with the photographer. If not, then cool! You guys both made new friends and you supported your partner by being there in person.” BeLikeTheLeaf
Another User Comments:
“‘To me, it seems like he’s trying way too hard to have contact with us outside of the proposed work.’
What do you think the downside or risk of this would be?
I think wariness is not a jerk thing to have and is often prudent. I’m just not sure what specific risk you think you need to mitigate? Sounds like you’re not sure either, but you have a gut feeling that it could be problematic.
I say just try to have a nice time, be polite and friendly. Prepare for the worst but expect the best. I don’t think the guy will think you’re a jerk for sorting yourself out for arrangements and so forth.
And being overly wary is a lot less dangerous than not being wary enough.” Mulsanne
8. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friend For Not Paying Me Back?
“I have a friend who will often buy me food. Not because I ask, just as a favor if we are somewhere together and hungry and I don’t have money.
She often has more money than me and has always made it a point to say that her paying is a friendly favor and I don’t owe her. Last week, we were going to go to the movies, and we were each planning to pay for our tickets.
When we got there, she had forgotten her wallet, and told me if I paid for her ticket, she would pay me back the next day. A few days later I asked if she could give me the 10 dollars because I needed it for bus fare, and she told me she realized afterward she shouldn’t have to pay me because she had bought me things in the past adding up to much more than $10.
Am I a jerk for being angry at her? I understand her point that she had paid for me before, but I was never told that she expected me to pay her back.
$10 is not a lot, but I still feel like she doesn’t have the right to say she won’t pay me back after I paid for her under the pretenses she would.”
Another User Comments:
“She would have been fine if she had phrased it like ‘oh crap, I don’t have my wallet – can you treat me this time?’ then you could have viewed it all along as your treat, or if you were really hurting for that ten bucks, it would have given you an opportunity to let her know that you were especially broke at the moment and would need the funds for bus fare the next day, and then you could have done something that didn’t cost anything instead.
When she specifically asked if she could borrow, the nice, but not mandatory, thing to do on account of all the times she picks up the check for you, would have been to say ‘oh it’s nothing, you get me all the time, it’s the least I can do to treat you to a movie.’
From a technical standpoint, she’s in the wrong as you can’t ‘realize later’ that you shouldn’t have to repay a debt.
But generally speaking, if someone is generous to you, and you have the opportunity to give back a little bit every now and then, even if it’s just symbolic, it’s in your best interest to do so, unless you want that generosity to stop flowing mostly in your direction.
She’s the jerk, at the same time, don’t be surprised if the freebee train skips past your stop the next few times, as she has no actual obligation to pay for your food.” admiralfilgbo
Another User Comments:
“Hard to tell exactly from just what you’ve written, and it’s definitely impolite of her to say she will pay you back and then take that back after the fact, but I’m going to guess that in the big picture of this relationship, you are the jerk.
‘Not because I ask, just as a favor if we are somewhere together and hungry and I don’t have anything.’
If you don’t ask, how does she know that you need her to pay for you?
Do you both go into a restaurant, and then you just stand there awkwardly twiddling your thumbs until she asks if she can treat you to lunch? Of course, you aren’t just going to ask her to buy you lunch; I think we can all agree that it would be a pretty jerk-ish thing to just ask someone to buy you lunch.
The polite thing to do, if stuck in a situation where you want to eat but can’t pay for your food, is to ask if you can borrow some funds for lunch. But that’s just silly because we all know–you know, she knows, everyone here knows–you aren’t going to pay her back.
Not next week, not the week after. So you let her offer to buy you lunch so that everybody can avoid the awkwardness of a friend that borrows and doesn’t pay it back.
But now here we are in that exact situation. Because you messed up. She didn’t have money at the movies. The roles are reversed! Of course, she’s not just going to ask you to pay for her movie, because like you, she’s not that kind of person.
So she asks you to pay and offers to pay you back. And here’s where you messed up: you agreed. You didn’t take this perfect opportunity to show her that you both acknowledge and appreciate all the times she’s treated you.
You didn’t return the favor. You didn’t say, ‘Oh no no, please. My treat this time.’
You’re the jerk and your friend is starting to get tired of it.” rcrabb
Another User Comments:
“With some relationships, both people give, and they don’t keep track or keep score. They don’t need to, because they both are givers. One person will treat for lunch, another will invite to the museum, and another will do all the driving and never ask for gas money.
It’s nice because it doesn’t matter who is ahead – each just does whatever they are able to do for the other out of friendship and no one is looking out for themselves.
In other relationships, there isn’t really any giving. Everyone pays for their own stuff. If one gets to the movie early and buys the tickets so the other doesn’t have to wait in line, the other hands over the money when they get their tickets.
If there is borrowing, it is promptly paid back. No one is out to take advantage, but the score is kept to make sure things stay even (and usually at zero owed in either direction).
Both of those types of relationships are fine, and it’s just down to personal preference.
Then there are relationships where one is a giver and the other is a taker. One gives and doesn’t keep score, but the other doesn’t give, they just take or accept.
But then whenever they DO give, they want to keep score?
That’s an unequal relationship. Your friend shouldn’t have asked to borrow and then decide later not to pay it back. But your whole relationship is already one of inequality, so it’s not like you have any moral high ground.
You could have just treated her, and been a giver. If you want to keep score… then don’t accept gifts from her, unless you want to be a taker.
Decide what kind of relationship you want to have.
If what you WANT is for it to be an unequal relationship where you come out ahead then THAT would make you a jerk.” robobreasts
7. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Talks About Someone Who Traumatized Me?
“Back in college (almost 10 years ago) one of my husband’s female friends (L) was really into him. She made it clear a number of times she wanted him to leave me and be with her.
It was really hurtful that he continued to be her friend for so long. Nothing physical happened between the two of them, but they did hang out. On one occasion he even forgot that we were meeting for lunch because I needed help carrying a lunch tray as I was walking with crutches due to a knee injury.
He went to lunch with her because she was having a bad day while I waited around like an idiot. He didn’t even call me, so I found this out that night when he got back from class.
He said he felt bad for her because she found out she had MS and her partner was a serial liar, etc.
I never told him he had to cut her out of his life because I don’t think it is right to dictate who he spent his time with, even though it really hurt me.
He even considered having us ‘take a break’ when she told him she and her partner were taking a break. I told him I loved him, but if he wanted to take a break to see where things could go with another woman then I considered it a break up.
I told him I wanted him to be happy, but I would not sit around and be a doormat and wait for him while he slept with someone else. I would accept the decision, but if he didn’t choose me we were done.
He chose me and eventually phased her out of his life.
I have forgiven him. We met young and he didn’t expect to meet someone he would be so serious with when he did.
I do understand that, but he still treated me pretty horribly and while I have tried to let it go completely, the hurt doe creep up from time to time because it was such a tough time for me and really hits a sensitive, insecure part of me.
We have a great life and a great marriage. We even survived the loss of our oldest daughter six days after birth to trisomy 18. We have two other daughters (2.5 years old and 10 months old).
I had to get a hysterectomy because of pain and issues. This has been hard on me. Now I am making ovarian cysts on the one ovary I have left. The pain, disappointment, and fear are causing me a lot of stress (and physical pain).
I may need to have this ovary removed, which will put me into full menopause and I am only 29. I can’t do hormone replacement and this could shorten my life by 20 years.
As we are waiting to get my prescription for pain medication and finding out I have to call my gynecologist to figure this all out, my husband goes, ‘oh, hey, it was L’s birthday and she mentioned she is pregnant with a little boy.’ I know she has a daughter too.
I just said that was nice and I hope it means her MS is under control. I meant it too because I don’t wish her ill. MS is a terrible thing for anyone to go through and she was young, scared, and looking for a better man.
What she did was wrong, but desperate people do desperate things. I can let that go.
Now to the heart of it all. It bothered me that he is friends with her on social media and knows what is going on in her life.
It bothers me that he mentioned her because it feels like he brought her into our lives, even though it was something small. I was feeling nervous and in pain and he had to bring her up.
It was frustrating, but I know it wasn’t something done to be cruel. He just saw it and mentioned it like he does with so many other things.
I took the opportunity to try to talk with him about it last night.
I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but when it was fresh we couldn’t talk about it without tears and so much pain. I was curious about a few things and asked if he would be comfortable talking about them with me.
He admitted what he did in college was wrong. He hates he caused me so much pain and was ashamed he did that to me, but it was the past and he was over it.
Now, I don’t want him to feel bad and ashamed forever, but he basically told me it doesn’t even bother him anymore because he is a different man and that I helped make him that better man.
I get that and appreciate that he feels that way, but it bothers me a bit that he doesn’t feel ashamed about it at all now. It still was him who caused me that pain.
I also wanted to know what it was about her that made her worth hurting me, what made him choose her over me so many times. He claimed that’s not what he was doing.
I explained that by going out and spending time with her knowing it hurt me, he decided to put her above me, that he valued spending time with her more and I wanted to understand what made him feel she was more worth it than I was.
He swears up and down it isn’t like that. That he doesn’t quantify relationships like that.
I tried to explain that when he chooses to do something he knew would hurt me in order to do something for someone else that he wasn’t putting me first. He chose to make the other person more important.
He kept insisting things don’t work that way. It felt like he wasn’t trying to see things my way and understand why it hurt as much as it did and how that insecurity is still with me today.
He just kept insisting that it wasn’t like that. I told him it felt like he was bringing her into our lives by mentioning her. I explained that I needed his love and support because of what is physically going on with me and mentioning someone who caused me so much pain really hurt me.
He asked if I wanted him to unfriend her. I told him that I would never tell him who to associate with and that was his choice (and I mean that). It’s not like I think he is going to have an affair with her or that he is having long conversations with her.
That said, it does hurt that he still has allowed her to be in his life, even in this incredibly minor way, because of the past history. I tried explaining that it hurt because she was a reminder of the toughest point in our relationship.
He went on a rant about how he never sees or talks to anyone from college. His best friend from college, who was like a brother to him, passed away 8 years ago from lymphoma (we were there for him the whole time).
I know it hurts him he doesn’t spend time with anyone else from school.
We have talked about it in the past. That said, this is a person who tried to convince him to leave me for her.
She actively pursued him and while he didn’t have a physical relationship, what he did could be seen as an emotional affair. I feel like not having any form of contact with her is a given.
Apparently not. If he insists on being her friend for whatever reason, don’t talk about her to me, especially when I am suffering from depression and anxiety, and physical pain. I mean, if something bad happened to her and she needed help I would be more okay with that because she doesn’t have a lot of support.
But why tell me about her life? If I had someone like that in my past (I don’t, because no matter how many people tried to pursue me in high school and college, and there were a few who tried, I never did anything like that to him) I would not have any contact with them at all.
I avoided the guy who asked me to a school dance (in college) because he knew I had a partner and was still clearly trying to make a move on me out of respect for our relationship.
I don’t want to tell him he can’t talk to her at all. I do trust him. It just hurts that he doesn’t even understand why this hurts me. We usually communicate very well, but it feels like he refuses to fully listen and see why this hurts me.
I finally got so frustrated I told him just to forget about it. He asked this morning if I am still upset over it and I told him that I am. I am working on letting it go, but it all really hurts me, especially since he can’t understand why it hurts me so much.
Am I a jerk for being hurt that my husband mentioned someone who tried to steal him away in college is having another baby while we were leaving a difficult doctor’s appointment?”
Another User Comments:
“For being hurt? No, I don’t think you are. But you need to talk about this with him, pretending there is not a problem will not make it go away, in fact, it may just make it worse.” Antirandomguy
Another User Comments:
“That comment was hugely insensitive on his part. I would guess that he just thoughtlessly blurted out something as it popped into his mind, and not with malicious intent. But, the potential malicious interpretations are awful.
So feel free to be angry at him for being a dummy.
As for the rehashing and talking about him not ostracizing her years ago (and I believe before you were married), I think there should be a limit.
Yes, the issue is brought up again now because of his comment, but that’s not a reason to harangue him for what he did a decade ago. If you’re not going to insist that he remove her from his life, then don’t continue to resent him for not doing it.
But, I don’t think it would be so unreasonable to demand he cut all contact. She actively tried to break you two up. You have every right to say he shouldn’t still be interacting with her, and he ought to want to make that break for your peace of mind.
I am a straight guy who has several good female friends who I would never ostracize for the sake of a relationship, and I would leave someone who tried to demand that of me.
BUT, in my case, those female friends have never had any interest in ruining my relationships. Nothing was ever going on, and any perceived competition from them was purely a matter of insecurity or jealousy on the part of my partner.
Your case is totally different. If she tried to break you up, she lost her right to be friends with your husband.” flignir
Another User Comments:
“I feel like your husband isn’t capable of understanding your feelings.
I don’t think it’s an issue to not associate with someone who has openly tried to make advancements on a person that is in a relationship with someone else. Relationships are all about respect which doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of from your husband.
I don’t talk to girls that I know would seek to end my relationship with my partner out of respect for her and what we have.
Your husband shouldn’t have to be told not to talk to people who don’t have respect for you.
If he had respect for you and your feelings he’d limit that on his own. Some of the things you say about him, make him seem like he’s not really that good of a person and that he walks all over you while catering to some woman who shouldn’t mean half as much to him as you do.
I’d be livid if I were in your shoes.
My partner and I have been through similar problems where I was showing another woman attention. We were having problems and I was venting to this other girl.
I should have been using that time to be with the person who I love and helping her through what she was going through and I can admit that was a serious shortcoming on my part.
It’s not like I have to wait hand and foot on my partner but that’s the person I want to be with and not helping her is not an option. Not communicating with her, in the long run, will lead to more problems down the road.
I don’t think this woman wants anything but to move in on the happiness you two have but maybe that’s my own insecurities coming out.” Doctorjames25
6. AITJ For Not Giving Up Grandpa's Military Medals?
“My grandpa passed away recently (early April), relatively unexpectedly and tragically.
I booked an emergency flight home from abroad as soon as I had news about funeral arrangements. I was home for about a week, just enough time to get settled in at home, be there for the funeral and spend some time with family.
Even though I had just been back in the States two weeks prior for a planned visit, original plans were suddenly changed with the deterioration in my grandpa’s health, landing him in the hospital twice in the last week and a half.
Let me back up in potential build-up of drama by stating the following:
Once the news of his death came to me, having waited overnight, not to mention giving myself a chance to calm down as the news was hard to take as I was very close to my Grandpa, and he was my last grandparent, I changed my social media profile to the original picture of a 1952 portrait of my grandparents I have tattooed on my shoulder blade.
I also changed my profile banner to a picture of my Grandpa with two of my favorite cousins and me during the last time I was in Georgia with my family (the spring after my Grandma, his wife, had passed from Alzheimer’s).
Going to GA for Easter used to be a family tradition up until I’d say the last 12 years ago or so. Since then, it has become much more sporadic because of my Grandparents’ health slowly deteriorating as they aged (and public schools’ spring break not lining up with Easter anymore).
Anyway, moving on: shortly after changing my pictures, my aunt Tami (married to my Mom’s brother), sent me a message that said ‘OP:… My son doesn’t know yet.’ To which I asked if she wanted me to change them.
She said yes. I didn’t.
Instead, I replied that I didn’t see what the problem was. I didn’t post a status/any words about what had happened. I simply changed my pictures. I also noted that I wasn’t even friends with her son on social media.
She retaliated that there was still GA family that didn’t know about what had happened and that social media wasn’t the place for them to find out. I agreed but reaffirmed that I only changed my pictures specifically for that reason.
No further correspondence.
The weekend after the funeral, the family began work on Grandpa’s house to get it ready to put up for sale on the open market. As we began to start clearing it out for renovations, the majority of the family was there making piles of trash, donation, and keep.
Having recently moved 4,000+ miles away to Germany, I opted not to keep much of anything save for a few sentimental items:
- Good Housekeeping cookbook 1969 (containing a few recipes I knew him and Grandma used)
- Family Genealogy book
- Military uniform, ribbons, and medals
- Letters from Grandpa to Grandma while in the AF stationed in Germany circa August – February 1952 (my other cousin, Britt, kept the remainder of the stack of letters from 1953 and 1969).
I wanted to keep his military photo album too, but Mom said not yet. Of the few things I kept, I went through the house checking with every member of my family that they did not want the items I wanted. I always asked my uncle Mike first, as he was the eldest remaining child.
No one had any objections.
A few days after the clean-up, I left to come back to my new home across the pond. Not a week after being back, my Mom was messaging me telling me not to be surprised if Tami sends me a message asking for Grandpa’s military medals.
Confused, she explained that Tami and her daughter Sarah wanted to make a special memorial display of the flag presented to Mike at the funeral and include Grandpa’s original military medals and ribbons in his honor as a gift to Mike for Father’s Day.
Upon request (and without my knowledge), my Mom told Tami that she had the medals, but that they meant a lot to me and she would check with me before letting her have them.
She also suggested getting duplicate medals and ribbons from an army surplus store. Unfortunately, this solution is not favorable to the requesting party. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I did not receive any correspondence from Tami.
Fast-forward to just the other day: My cousin Sarah (Mike and Tami’s daughter) sent me a message again requesting Grandpa’s military medals and ribbons. She noted that her dad ‘didn’t ask for much when we were cleaning the house since he was just trying to hold it together.’ I responded cordially stating that I think the display is a wonderful and thoughtful gift idea for her father, but that I feel it is important the original medals and ribbons stay with his original uniform.
I reinforced the purchase of duplicate medals and ribbons for Mike’s display, as I wanted to make a shadow box display of my own showcasing Grandpa’s military memorabilia, and that it would look weird with new medals and an old uniform.
Furthermore, I suggested incorporating his service certificates (which Mike actually DID want) into the display. Sarah said in her response message to me that she was, ‘not trying to take Grandpa’s things from (me but is) trying to do something for (her) dad who’s having a hard time.’ I replied to her, that I only took a total of 4 items the day of the initial clean and that while she isn’t ‘trying’ to take something from me, she would be taking a huge part of the 1 out of 4 things I have to remember our Grandpa by.
I concluded the message by saying ‘I hope you understand.’
Her only response: ‘I don’t at all.’
A few minutes later, she posts a status that says ‘Wow how my eyes have been opened over the last month and a half!’ I ‘liked’ it out of irony.
She immediately sends me a message that says, ‘Do me a favor and don’t like my status. Delete me if you want. I just don’t care anymore.’ One of her friends commented with concern about what the status was about.
She replied simply stating ‘People who only think about themselves.’ Clearly, the status is about me (should I make a point here that I am considerably younger than her?)
I didn’t condone her messages with a response but rather, a lack of action or response.
Well, that’s what happened. No words since. I’m not sure how to feel about this. Mostly I want to say ‘screw it,’ but I can’t seem to let it go because 1) This is surprising to me and 2) Grandpa wouldn’t want this and it makes me sad.
Still, though, I keep having to fight the urge to say something to her.
AM I THE JERK HERE?!”
Another User Comments:
“I think your Aunt and Cousin Sarah are being kind of childish and selfish since your uncle told you you could have them (and just their actions on social media are childish as well).
However, if you want to insist on keeping the medals, be sure you are ready for the long haul. It won’t get any easier to deal with them or possibly other family members, once they get tired of hearing from Tami and Sarah about how you wronged your uncle.
It’s also possible they will continue to harass your mother and other unpleasantness. They may still do this even if you let them have the medals.
In the end, do what you feel you can live with, I guess.
You’re not the jerk, but there’s a chance more of your family may begin to see you that way when they keep having to listen to Aunt and Cousin Fussypants.” User
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one. I will start by saying that losing a loved one can really tear people apart and bring out the worst in people. It’s just stuff. It really is.
Your memories of him don’t reside in those medals. Yes – you did the right thing by checking at the house who wanted what – but maybe your uncle DID want them- and didn’t say anything.
I will back up by saying that I do think the social media issues were childish. You didn’t need to make it clear that you were only changing them for the other family.
I think that started the bad b***d. When people are emotionally fragile – having someone to use as an outlet makes them an easy target. You also didn’t need to ‘like’ the status.
That was immature. Was it immature to make the status, to begin with? Yes – but you can only control yourself.
I think you should give them to your uncle’s family. He is the last remaining child.
If they were meant to stay with you – they’ll come back to you. You’ll honor your grandfather more by acting respectful to his family, than being petty over material possessions.” User
Another User Comments:
“You’re in a rough spot, especially with the physical distance between you and family. Are there any medals that are more prestigious than others, like a purple cross or a heroism medal? I would offer the most prestigious medals that belonged to your grandfather but send them ribbons from a surplus shop or maybe eBay.
You could then attempt to replace the medals for yourself the same way, but you’d have your grandfather’s ribbons. It’s not ideal, but this way everyone gets something that was authentically your grandfather’s.” wise_idiot
5. AITJ For Ignoring Someone Who Texted While Driving?
“So I got into a new guild in a game. All is well, it’s a fun bunch. Along comes someone I hadn’t met before, and he said that he’ll join up once he’s home, because he’s currently driving.
(The game has a mobile app that allows access to guild chat.)
When he said this, my response looked like this:
DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE
PUT DOWN THAT PHONE NOW
In an attempt of some sort of wake-up call.
He laughed it off and came up with nonsense excuses like ‘nobody is on the road’, ‘I am only driving 80 km/hr, ‘everyone else texts and drives as well’, and ‘I hold my phone above the steering wheel’ and ‘it’s late and dark’.
So I told him fine, I’ll just ignore you. If he has nobody to talk to, he can’t text and drive.
I continued ignoring him after he came into the game. After a solid hour of ignoring him, I talked. He still came up with nonsense excuses for his reckless behavior on the road and proceeded to publicly call me a hypocrite and a concern troll.
This guy was endangering the lives of every person he shared the road with, shrugged it off like it was nothing, and treats me like absolute rubbish because I called him out on his recklessness.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk but chances are you’ll be thought of as a goody-goody if you continue your crusade. You’re totally right and he shouldn’t do what he did and you’re correct for not encouraging it.
Awful thing is that people in these types of settings tend to be younger and ‘edgier’ so your real concern for other humans is likely to be mocked. Life sucks bro.” DrProbably
Another User Comments:
“You’re not being a jerk, but nobody really wants to be parented, especially by somebody they don’t know very well. It makes you look kinda lame and not really somebody you wanna spend time with, even if you are right.” User
Another User Comments:
“I’ll join the minority of saying you’re the jerk. You could have responded with ‘Well quit texting and driving and we’ll see you soon’ instead you started all capslock rude which instigated him into texting more.
Also, I’d like to point out that texting while driving can be dangerous, you don’t know the full scenario here. I’ll go on to say that if he was texting while driving fast and there were other people and he’s not good at it, sure, he’s a jerk too.
But you were also a jerk. To ignore him for the rest of the night just reminds me why I’m glad I no longer play MMOs with petty guild drama.” zjbird
4. AITJ For Speaking Up About Personal Calls In The Office?
“My work situation is kind of weird, and I’ve been having some issues with it.
I work for my grandfather’s company – he’s the CEO and my mother is the general manager. I work in a separate department under a different manager, but my mom oversees everyone so she’s ultimately my boss.
I’ve been there 5 years and I cover not only my own job description but a myriad of other duties that I’ve taken over that fall outside my department, and I report to my mother a lot of the time – so although I answer to my manager as far as our department is concerned, I’m not just an employee, if that makes sense.
My manager has only been at the company for 6 months. She’s a nice enough lady, but she’s very distracting. We have a policy against personal phone calls unless it’s necessary – that’s what your breaks are for.
Texting isn’t a problem as long as work is finished, because it isn’t distracting to everyone else like chatting at your desk tends to be. The problem is my manager easily takes 3 or 4 (sometimes more) personal phone calls a day.
It’s not just quick questions either – the shortest is 2 or 3 full minutes and there have been times where it has been up to 15. There are only 3 people in my department, so we’re all in the same office.
As such her phone calls get very, very distracting. Hearing it pulls me right out of whatever I’m doing, especially when it’s mundane nonsense about dinner plans. Conversely, I VERY rarely take calls at the office, and the few times I have to, I leave the room.
It seems disrespectful and unprofessional to me to subject people to my personal life. I’ve mentioned it to my mother previously, but she referred me to my grandfather. He just kind of shook the issue off.
Today after one of my manager’s calls I asked her nicely if she might be able to make personal calls to the boardroom when she gets them – it’s literally right in the next office over.
I explained that I find it difficult to concentrate with chatter. Regardless of the policy we have, I don’t care what she does or how often she takes calls – I just have a lot of work to do and it makes it harder to focus hearing her go on and on.
She said ‘What, so all I’m allowed to do in here is work? Is that what you’re telling me?’ and got really defensive about it. I tried explaining that it’s just too distracting, but she got passive-aggressive about it and we didn’t get anywhere.
When I said good night before leaving, she didn’t say a word to me. I told my mom and grandfather what happened and they just shook their heads and chuckled at me, so they weren’t opposed to what I did – they just don’t want to be involved.
I try to be personable as much as possible, but at the end of the day, I’m not there to make friends or coddle people’s feelings. I am there to work and keep the company strong.
That’s it. If I am being distracted from that objective, I don’t see anything wrong with respectfully speaking up and asking for someone to meet me halfway.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Judging by the reaction of your mother and grandfather, I’d say you’re overreacting. I don’t know why non-work chatter is any more distracting to you than work-appropriate talking. It seems like you have a chip on your shoulder and you don’t think her actions are appropriate so you’re focusing on it and allowing it to distract you.
She might not be in the right here but if short personal calls are so upsetting to you that you went to the CEO with the issue, then maybe you’re the one with the problem, not her.
You haven’t provided many contexts about what you do exactly but it sounds like normal office behavior to take short personal calls from time to time. Provided it doesn’t get out of hand (laughing loudly, much more frequent, interrupting workflow, etc) if you continue to pursue this issue you are the jerk.” DrProbably
Another User Comments:
“You’re trying to tell your manager what to do because your mom runs the company. Your manager probably feels like you’re trying to be her boss instead of the other way around.
You need to decide if you’re in charge of her or if she’s in charge of you. If you’re the boss, tell her no more calls unless she steps into the next room, period.
If she doesn’t like that, fire her. If she’s your boss, shut up about it. You already went all the way to the top more than once and your big bosses don’t care, so just deal with it.” jsh1138
Another User Comments:
“I think you’re kind of abusing your position tbh and making her position as your manager untenable if you’re going to pull rank on her like that. What it was over is kind of irrelevant except that it was also a ridiculously minor thing to complain to senior management about.” NobblyNobody
3. AITJ If I Demand Management To Fix My Apartment?
“So, I started apartment hunting last November and found a place by December. I and 3 friends went and toured the place and it was pretty fantastic, so we all signed a lease.
We asked a lot of questions along the way like what kind of appliances, upgrades, etc. The collected info was that: upgraded apartments come with a fridge w/ice maker, surface stoves, track lighting, updated bathrooms, plank flooring, and I think that’s it.
They waived our application fees, and let my friend and I split a $600 pet fee/deposit since we have two small pets (two 15lb dogs) making it $300 per person in pet fee/deposit.
We move in May! (except for one guy, he moves in August) w/rent at $409 a month.
January rolls around and I went ahead and paid $1936 (4 months rent plus pet fee/deposit) in advance for May through August. About a month before we were supposed to move in, I called to ask what apartment number I was supposed to go to or when that info would be available for us.
They said they’d call and let us know about 2 weeks before moving in. All righty! Two weeks before moving in I call and say hey, we were wondering if you guys knew which apartment number yet and this person said well, we will just tell you what apartment you have when you get here, we don’t normally call people and tell them two weeks in advance.
I kind of start to get annoyed here, but it’s not bad by any means. It’s just I’m not going to move somewhere without knowing what the apartment number is beforehand. What if I was moving a considerable distance?
What if I get there and they forgot? It just didn’t seem okay to me, but maybe I was being picky about it. My friend called back and asked the same thing, this time finding out we could fill out a maintenance request and find out.
About 2 days later we find the apartment number out, so my friend and I go there and find the building, walk around, etc to check it out. The door was open because they had just painted/were working on the apartment so we peeked in but didn’t walk in.
The floors were pretty dirty, and the stove was yellowed-old. We were kind of upset, but I told my friend ya know maintenance is clearly still working on this place so let’s wait till we move in before we get upset about anything over nothing.
The next day another one of our friends says hey, the door is unlocked so I went and checked it out– so naturally, I went and checked it out too but I only had about 5 minutes and my main focus was bedrooms (we hadn’t picked yet).
They had replaced the stove but it was still an older model (looks pretty much new but the lettering is worn off the burner knobs and it’s a much older model of the stove with no clock or timer etc).
I didn’t notice much else about the apartment, it was towards the end of the day with low light, and as I said, I was in a rush. Again, I’m thinking they’ve still got 2-3 days before we move in so we’ll wait and see.
They call us the day before we move in at like 6 PM and say hey, you’re going to have to wait until 1 PM to move in so maintenance can do one last check over on the apartment.
I mean, you guys are kind of taking half a day away from me but if maintenance is working hard to make sure everything is right, so be it, I understand. May is a weird time of year to move in college students.
We get there the next day, get our keys, and start moving in. The place wasn’t really… fully cleaned. There are paint spots and scuffs all over the flooring, dust, and stuff — we’re going to have to totally clean the floors.
No ice maker in the fridge, the porch light doesn’t work, one of the bathroom light switches doesn’t work, and an air vent is really loose (And it’s right above a desk so like, it’s pretty dangerous), and the only upgrade here is the flooring really.
Like, what? The door to the bedroom I wanted is locked, so we go back to the office and ask if we can get it unlocked and they say yeah, maintenance will come by sometime today to get it.
Well I mean I already had to wait till 1 PM and I’m really annoyed at this point. I go back and talk to my mom about it, my concern being that I might just be super petty/nitpicky because I’m pretty stressed over finals and she’s like God no let me go talk to them.
My mom is really loud and firm. It’s super intimidating and she comes off like a total witch if you don’t know her.
We go down to the office again and she’s like ‘Yeah, I wanna speak to a manager now.’ Meantime, another friend is there getting her keys to the new apartment as well.
The property manager comes out and starts asking what’s wrong and my mom starts forcefully explaining. At the same time, there’s confusion for my friend getting the keys, she is the roommate that also has a dog so when she goes to write a check for the first month’s rent they are like ‘yeah, the pet fee is $600’ and we explained that the property manager let us half it.
We find out then that the property manager that signed us on has been fired, and left no record of that agreement (Our lease was supposed to be changed to reflect that but it never was).
The new property manager says she will ‘honor the agreement’ though I didn’t think that was a very big deal considering that was what was supposed to happen anyways — you’re not exactly doing me a favor here lady (and remember, I’ve already paid this pet fee/deposit so I have a receipt to prove it not to mention like 5 witnesses on the verbal agreement).
The new property manager comes down with us to the apartment to check out all the issues. As soon as she walks in she says ‘Ohhh, this is a partially upgraded unit.’
We start feeling a lot better because it’s like oh all right, so it’s not that no one cared, it’s just the wrong type of apartment (there was no previous mention of partially upgraded apartments, and still isn’t on their official paperwork.
We asked for the fully upgraded model so it’d be just like the one we toured because we really liked it). She says she will let us have this apartment at a regular apartment rate of $384 per month to make up for it (so $25/month less but we get upgraded flooring) plus she will help us make sure everything is fixed, etc. We all reluctantly agree (super tired from moving, it’s finals week, and I’m sick) that something like that will probably work since none of us want to move again.
That night we go check out a friend’s apartment (same apartment complex) and they have a true regular apartment. It’s the same price $384/month but doesn’t have the upgraded flooring and that’s literally it.
Though, they have cushioned bar chairs which we would really like (ours aren’t cushioned) since we plan on using the bar a lot. The condition otherwise is about the same, but again, our upgraded floors are dirty, covered in paint speckles, and scuffed quite a bit.
We continue moving and find other details like one of the bedroom doors is totally broken and doesn’t shut/wiggles like a pool noodle, the freshly painted walls were painted pretty lazily (you can tell they just painted over dust etc, marks on walls, dent/scuffs here and there — not bad looking walls by any means though).
After a night’s sleep, we get up Saturday and start moving lots of stuff, and got a lot done. Feeling a bit better about it all, we get another night’s rest and we are all feeling really good about it Sunday.
Friends are heading back to work/studying for finals and I start unpacking my room. I quickly discover the internet absolutely sucks. It’s included with the apartment but their website literally says ‘Fastest Internet In ‘the city’ Has Just Landed At ‘the apartment complex’ ‘so when I run a speed test and pull a sweet, savory 6 Mbps (my max rated speed, with intermittent 100Mbps ‘boosts’ as needed) I’m more than annoyed. I’m ready to break my lease annoyed. It’s physically impossible to watch 1080p video continuously with this connection.
I’m an electrical engineering student and do a LOT on my computer, I had hoped on living here for the next 2-4 years and I literally/physically can’t with internet like that. We debate looking at buying an internet package through Comcast or something and splitting it but agree if we have to do that we will be demanding a deduction from our rent since we aren’t using their internet because it’s literally unbearable.
However, I note to everyone that I’m super annoyed and tired and probably much meaner than I should be about it all. I made a list of everything that needed to be fixed, that we were promised, and how we felt about it altogether so I could go talk to the property manager today (we haven’t worked out resigning the leases yet so I needed to stop by anyways).
This morning, I felt all right. Still pretty upset over the internet, but overall decent. I head down to the office planning on having a 10-15 minute chat with the manager about all our things and it ends up being more like 2 minutes.
She tells me I’ll have to do a maintenance request on all the broken things in the apartment, we can’t do anything about the internet, we can’t switch out our bar chairs and they’ll remake the lease and we can come to sign it at our convenience.
Now, the internet is much better today so I don’t feel nearly as bad, and if it stays this good I’ll be happy but other residents are saying it’s pretty much trash all the time.
Honestly, here’s how we felt:
There’s a new property manager, the other one got fired for whatever bad thing, and May is a weird time for us to move in, we get that.
However…
This apartment is not what we signed a lease for, not fully cleaned, clearly not checked over (it feels like they forgot we were moving in, to be honest, and just threw some stuff together) and there are a lot of little things adding on to the pile of disappointment and frustration.
As far as we’re concerned, this apartment complex has broken this lease with us, and that’s rude/insulting/maybe illegal, and wants us to just accept the apartment at a slightly lower price and be quiet about it like we owe them something.
We feel like they need to make it up to us more than that. I’ll be honest, we like the apartment pretty well. I mean for $384 a month, it’s pretty all right. Though there is an almost identical apartment literally a mile away (their main competitor) that has the same pricing and amenities but they are brand new (though they don’t allow pets, which sucks).
But even if we wanted to go there we can’t now, because we expected this apartment to work out (not to mention tired from moving, finals, sick, etc as well as most apartments have their leases filled out now).
So ultimately, we’re stuck here.
At this point, we’d feel fantastic about it all if they:
- Fix the broken stuff (this has to happen)
- Pay to have these floors cleaned (I’m pretty firm on this happening)
- Switch the bar stools we want (I’m pretty firm on this happening)
- Updated stove (This would be nice, though the stove is already nice so it’s not a huge deal)
- Do something about the slow internet (whether it be let us get our own and deduct from our rent or upgrade the existing Pavlov stuff)
We feel like this isn’t really too unreasonable, things considering, but I would love to see other people’s opinions before I send my property manager an email about it.”
Another User Comments:
“You’ve already made a lot of mistakes, and it’s going to be hard/impossible to fix those.
You signed a lease without seeing the unit you were renting.
This is really really dumb. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is. You literally signed a contract agreeing to rent an apartment that you had never laid eyes on.
Would you buy a used car without checking it out first?
You signed a lease that had not been updated to match new terms.
You came to a ‘verbal agreement’ with the building manager and signed a contract in good faith.
This gives the manager exactly 0 legal reason to uphold their part of the contract.
You have now verbally agreed to their modified terms.
When you moved in, you sat in an office with a list of your complaints, and then agreed to stay.
Effectively, this is you saying ‘Yeah, I’m ok with all this.’ That is going to make a legal case much harder because now the management can say all five of you signed, moved in, and agreed to proposed solutions.
So, step one, pay attention to what you’re going through right now because you are learning a very hard life lesson that I learned the hard way as well. DO NOT TRUST LANDLORDS IN COLLEGE TOWNS.
What can you do to fix this? Lawyer Up. You are dealing with a breach of contract scenario, either on your part or on the part of the management. Document absolutely everything – time-stamped photos, and video, and type out every detail you can remember of every conversation you’ve had with management.
Take your copy of the lease, and all that info, and find a lawyer. If your college is big enough, you probably have a student legal team as part of your tuition – they will represent you for free.
To answer your question, no, you aren’t necessarily a jerk, but you’re not in the right, either. You’ve made several major mistakes during your hunt, and your manager has every legal right, from what you’ve described above, to tell you to shove off and deal with it.” User
Another User Comments:
“The general gist I’m getting is that you’re getting what you’re paying for. You found a really cheap apartment, and now seem disappointed that the apartment is cheaply taken care of.
There’s some stuff that seems like it should definitely be fixed, but a place with rents that low usually doesn’t have a competent or quick staff to fix those things.
I’d fix what you can on your own, document expenses, and see if you can have it deducted from your rent.
I’d go through your lease thoroughly to see what stuff is actually promised. Maybe check in with legal people to see what they say.
Are you being a jerk? It would depend on how you actually presented your case to management.
It’s not being a jerk to feel the way you’re feeling, but being a jerk to management about this definitely won’t help you out.” User
2. AITJ For Not Having Dinner Ready?
“My partner and I both work full time.
She has a long commute and gets home at 7:15 and I get home around 5. We both make about the same amount I just have a nicer work-life balance. So lately she’s been mad that I don’t have dinner ready for her when she gets home.
I clean up the apartment every day. Including all her stuff she leaves out in the morning. We cook together and split rent. But she thinks I should be getting groceries and working out and cooking dinner every night before she gets home instead of relaxing and waiting to cook with her.
I like that we cook together and I’ve shared that with her. She just thinks I should do more chores since I have more time at home. It’s not like she brings any more to the equation or anything.
So am I the jerk for spending my alone time on things I like (like playing Xbox) and waiting to cook and get groceries together?”
Another User Comments:
“Cooking, what about making meals ahead of time and just throwing them in the oven?
As for chores, what if you each did one room each day of the week? You clean one room when you get home and she does the different room when she gets home.
It would only take like 10 minutes for each of you. As for shopping, you could stop at the grocery store on your way home. That’s kind of a pain in the butt to drive a long way and then have to go to the store when there is someone else who is less inconvenienced to do it.
You may have to save cooking together for the weekend because that’s just not doable if you want her to go grocery shopping or clean AND cook dinner with you. You have an extra 2 hours that she doesn’t so she has to cram all the extra stuff into a smaller amount of time.
When does she get to relax?
I also think you’re seeing things as an ‘I do all of this and she barely does anything’ instead of ‘I’m home so I might as well do it to help us both out.’ You’re a couple, you’re helping each other out to make things more smooth for both of you.
She’s not lazy and refusing to do it, she just doesn’t have the time right now and sometimes one person may end up doing more than the other. Remember though that it’s an issue of time and not an issue of her being lazy.” MereGirl
Another User Comments:
“It sounds to me like you two just need to come to some sort of compromise. It’s important to remember that both of your points of view are valid. It’s not fair for you to be expected to take on more of the load just because you live closer to work, and it’s also not fair for her to have to drive so far to get to/from work each day.
Life isn’t fair, so I think it’s important to remember that you’re both right and wrong.
You say you like cooking meals with her, but it’s obvious that’s not so important to her.
If she’s spending her commute home from work every day dreading having to do chores when she gets home, I think you’re being inconsiderate by saying you are going to wait because you want it your way.
If she’s not happy going into it, neither of you is going to have a great night. At the same time, it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to do all these things for her all the time.
It seems like it wouldn’t be so hard to just decide that you’re going to have dinner ready when she gets home on some nights, and on other nights you will make it together.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to be willing to pitch in a little extra because her commute is so much longer. I also don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to understand that you have made having a job close to work a priority so you don’t have to waste a bunch of your life driving.
If the end result of that is you having to waste that same amount of your life doing chores so she doesn’t have to when she’s the one who isn’t prioritizing spare time over her commute, it’s unfair to you.
You both have room to give.” bilscuits
Another User Comments:
“I agree with others that it’s kind of jerk-ish, though not terribly… The thing is, she doesn’t get those two hours to relax and do whatever she wants to like you do, if she gets home and immediately makes dinner and does chores with you.
Doesn’t she deserve a bit of relaxing time too? She’s probably hungry and tired after a long day and commute, and it’s kind of inconsiderate to enjoy your two hours of relaxation and video games and then expect her to get home and get right into chores and groceries and cooking with you.
If you enjoy cooking with her, she should enjoy it too — maybe make it a weekend activity. Having groceries done and maybe dinner a couple of times a week at least sure would be nice of you.
Maybe you guys should invest in a crockpot so dinner can be ready in the evening with minimal work. Or pre-cook the week’s meals and toss them in the freezer for reheating throughout the week.
There are other solutions here that would help you both out.” minasituation
FYI, I love to cook and also love to cook with my man, but I hate cooking after a long day and even longer commute. If I was expected to cook for or with my man every work day & long commute, I would be pissed. I would feel that my needs & wants don't matter, and therefore I don't matter. Though to be fair, your partner could have made suggestions & compromises too. Ya'll both missed that.
1. AITJ For Getting New Piercings Even If My Partner Doesn't Approve?
“My partner is a great guy, but he doesn’t like piercings or tattoos at all. That kind of surprised me when I found out since I already had a nose piercing and a few ear piercings when we met.
He told me he’d prefer it if I took them out, and I told him I’d prefer to keep them and that was that – or so I thought.
I really wanted some more ear piercings, since one of my ears was kind of empty compared to the other.
I mentioned this to my partner, who tried to talk me out of it and compromise with me only getting one piercing (I wanted two). I wasn’t really in the mood for a discussion, so I just let it go.
A few months later I finally decided to get the piercings done anyway and asked two of my friends to go to a piercer with me. The night before getting pierced I gave my SO – who was in London for a language training week at that time – a heads up via WhatsApp.
I knew he wasn’t going to be thrilled, but his only response was along the lines of ‘Well… if you think you’ll look prettier.’ Surprisingly positive, so I figured he’d be okay with it.
I went ahead with it and got my ear pierced (conch and rook in case that’s relevant).
The next day I visited my partner. I had my hair in a ponytail, so the piercings were clearly visible.
He didn’t comment on them at all though, so I figured they didn’t bother him too much. Turns out he didn’t even notice them…
Fast forward a week: my partner is staying at my place.
I notice him staring at my new piercings. ‘What is that? Are those the new piercings? Why?’ and a few minutes later ‘I can’t even tell you how much I don’t like them.’ He’s devastated. And I mean literally.
He pleaded with me to take them out for about 10 minutes, after I refused he proceeded to sulk for good 30 minutes. I asked him why he didn’t object before I got my piercings done, since if I took them out now the money I paid for them and the pain of a needle piercing through my ear would all have been for nothing.
His response was ‘Well, I was in London at that time…’
Whatever… I figured I’d just keep my hair down when he was around now, because if he can’t see the piercings he’s not going to complain about them, right?
Well, not really… It worked for a while, but we were cuddling this morning and he pressed his head against my ear unintentionally. I said, ‘Ouch, you touched my piercings’ which sent him into sulk mode all over again.
I decided that I wouldn’t waste my Saturday by staying at my sulking SO’s place. Before I left he said ‘Get home safely. Oh, and I don’t like that entire piercing thing at all.’ ‘Well yeah, I noticed’.
That’s pretty much the whole story. And we’re both 18 in case that’s relevant. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not a jerk for owning your own body. Furthermore, piercings aren’t even as permanent as something like a tattoo, so I don’t see the point in getting all bent out of shape about them.
(Speaking from my own past when I was crazy like him, I’d posit that it probably represents something to him. Like you changing, or being in a different ‘group’ than he is or something– it makes him feel threatened, most likely, more than this just being a matter of appearance.)
Now, I won’t mince words. I’m not surprised that you’re both 18. Particularly him, because this is a rather immature dispute (and an adult would have the sense to, I don’t know, not go out with a pierced girl under the assumption that she would cease being a pierced girl for you.) I know that the advice gets thrown around a lot but I would say this is a case of being mismatched from the start.
I don’t think someone who wants to exhibit that level of control on their SO is ready for a heavy-duty relationship.” Onyxdeity
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk at all. He didn’t give you a truthful answer and you decided to do something that you really wanted in accordance with that answer, but the fact that he pleaded with you also means that this is important to him and his image of you.
If you wanna address the issue, you certainly can. Just explain to him that, yes, it does in fact make you happier with your image and your sense of self. It’s something you two can talk through and if he’s still being a stinker about it don’t be afraid to tell him so in a controlled, non-aggressive way.” callmeperch_mobile
Another User Comments:
“This might be an unconventional response, but here’s my .02.
Are you in the wrong? No. Absolutely not. Are you the jerk? Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Allow me to explain: I’m very pro-self.
Your body – your choice. You should be able to do whatever you want to express yourself or to give yourself liberties of happiness – through whatever outlet that may be. And, as you said, he’s accepted you for the way you are – which speaks a lot to his character.
You must be quite the catch!
However, a relationship works both ways. If you want to continue having a healthy and loving relationship – compromise and honoring each other is a huge part of that.
It would have been best if you were more clear about the piercings. And you jumped the gun and went against your agreement with just getting one of them. Also, you did this while he was out of town.
Although you texted him – which was the right thing to do – you kind of left him in no position to express his disappointment. From his perspective, it might be seen as sneaky.
But then he fails to meet your expectations. He gave you words of encouragement – which makes you feel more comfortable in going ahead with the piercings. And then he sulks and behaves like a child instead of having an adult conversation about his dislike of your choices.
So, really you’re both kind of the jerks here.” monster_bunny
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