People Challenge Our Judgment With Their Questionable "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Spending The Holidays With My Grandparents Instead Of My Dad?
“My mum and dad are divorced and I currently live with my mom in France. My dad and his family live in the UK.
Every single holiday, I’m sent off by my mum (42F) and stepdad (42M) to the UK to stay with my dad. I (16F) hate it. My dad (47M) is a Misogynist who expects me to help his wife with his kids.
I wouldn’t mind generally helping out, but I’m talking from dusk till dawn type of crap. And my half-siblings are very bratty and my stepmother (37F) is a total pain. Before my older brother (19M) used to come with me but now he refuses because he doesn’t want to be around our step mum so the holidays are totally unbearable.
I actually like the eldest one, 5F, because she is very calm, unlike her younger siblings. She is also autistic and she has said she likes it when I’m around because I spend time with her without her loud younger siblings who stress her out.
My dad’s parents live around an hour away from him but still within the same city. During the summer, I escaped to their home a lot to get a break from my dad’s wife and they said that if I wanted to, I could stay with them for the holidays instead.
I told my mother, and she said it was cool as long as I was actually gone for the whole holiday. Her husband doesn’t like me much.
We have a school holiday coming up in the next week or so, so we were booking train tickets today.
My mum called my dad to inform him that I wouldn’t be staying with him and instead would be with my grandparents. He was very annoyed and said that I had no right to go behind his back and arrange this with his parents without his knowledge.
Apparently, I’ve ruined his plans for weeks now and his wife is upset that she isn’t getting a ‘break’ from the kids i.e she’s upset that she won’t have an unpaid nanny for two weeks. My favorite sister is also upset because I’m her favorite sibling.
I do feel bad for upsetting her but dad has refused to let her stay with our grandparents with me for the holiday.
I don’t think I’m wrong for not wanting to be at his house but I’m thinking that maybe I should’ve informed him in advance.
My grandparents also think I should’ve let him know in advance but they think he deserves the inconvenience for being a trashy dad.
AITJ for not telling him in advance?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re there to spend time with your father, not babysit their kids.
Yes, you can spend time with the kids, but not to that extent, otherwise what’s the point of you coming? Depending on what the custody agreement says, at 16 you do get a say and can refuse.
Too bad for his wife that her plans are now ruined, she shouldn’t have been expecting you to be her unpaid nanny for the duration of your visit.
Maybe if your dad communicated with you, he wouldn’t be the last to know. Don’t let the fact that your sister is upset to get to you. She could stay, but they won’t let her, probably in an attempt to get you to stay with your dads.
Your grandparents offered you time with them, stress and child-care-free. Take it.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe your father or his wife babysitting and if they really need a break from their younger children then they need to look into hiring a babysitter, and have one on a regular basis rather than expect you, his 16-year-old daughter, to look after and parent his youngest kids for 2+ weeks every few months when you’re on a school break.
It’s a form of parentification and a form of mistreatment. Calmly and firmly tell him that as his kid’s parent it’s his job to parent his kids, not yours, and seeing as he’s done it for so long, both he and his wife only have themselves to blame for you not wanting to stay with him and his family on your school holidays and he’s the only person who can fix it and explain to your sister that both he and her mother are wrong by making you babysit your younger siblings so that they can have a break and not want to parent and are shirking their responsibilities on to you.
Reinforce to both your father and stepmother that you don’t owe them babysitting time and until they accept this and are willing to change for the better then you’ll be staying at your grandparents and they can both ask your stepmother’s extended family and your fathers extended family to help them out with having a break, but also be willing to pay for a babysitter because again they were the ones who chose to procreate therefore need to accept that they still need to parent even when they don’t want to.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“You are for sure NTJ.
I don’t know how parental rights/custody works in your country, nor how your parents’ particular agreement is written though. It might have actually broken laws for your mother to knowingly allow you to plan spending time with your grandparents and not your dad.
Also, the fact that your mom doesn’t care about you as long as you are out of her husband’s hair for the holidays really really makes her seem like the biggest jerk in this whole thing, just saying.” cinderparty
17. AITJ For Bonding With My Stepmom's Estranged Daughter?
“I (F24) got a new job around 3 months ago.
My parents split up when I was around 10, and when I was 19, my dad married my stepmother ‘Jane’ (F50).
Jane has two adult children from her previous marriage. Both of them are estranged from her and have been in no contact with Jane for as long as I’ve known her.
Jane blames her ex-husband for her relationship with her children and says that they’re brainwashed.
I’ve never gotten along well with Jane, I think she causes drama wherever she goes.
I live around a 4-hour drive away from my family so I don’t see much of Jane these days.
Well, coincidentally, at my new job, one of Jane’s children, ‘Gabby’ (F28) is my coworker. I only recognized Gabby because Jane had mentioned her before and I recognized her surname on the rota.
It was a bit awkward at first, but Gabby and I turned out to have a lot in common and I think we’re becoming great friends.
I kept it a secret from Jane because I knew she’d be angry that I was talking to her estranged daughter.
Gabby didn’t seem eager to talk about Jane so I haven’t pushed her to talk about it, but she knows that Jane is now my stepmother.
Jane saw a social media post I was tagged in that my boss posted, and it included a picture of me and Gabby in the break room.
Jane was furious that I had been spending time with Gabby and hadn’t told her.
I told her that I and Gabby are coworkers and that I can’t just avoid Gabby to make her more comfortable, and that I like being friends with Gabby.
Jane got my dad involved and he has been demanding that I quit my job and work elsewhere and not speak to Gabby.
He said what I’m doing is unfair to Jane and that I’m digging up painful memories for her. He said I was being manipulative for keeping it a secret in the first place and that Jane is owed an apology.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your interactions with Gabby are absolutely none of their business. You have the right to choose your friends; they don’t have the right to prohibit you. You are 24 and live on your own. What are they going to do, ground you if you don’t obey them?
Demanding that you quit your job is outrageous. Your father and his wife are total jerks. Their controlling behavior sheds light on the probable reasons Gabby is estranged from her mother.” Paevatar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult. Jane (& your father) do not get to decide where you work or who you become friends with.
You don’t owe any loyalty to a woman you met 5 years ago when you were an adult.
If you like Gabby and Gabby likes you, don’t give up a friend. If you like your job, don’t give it up.
If Gabby decides to talk to you about Jane, be a friend and keep it to yourself. If she doesn’t want to talk about Jane, so be it. No matter what Gabby says, tell Jane/dad that Gabby never speaks of her.
You’re the one who owed an apology, not Jane. Your father’s wife needs to mind her business. Ghost her and try to maintain civility with your dad. If he can’t do that, ghost him too.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I see how this would make Jane uncomfortable that is not your problem. You kept it a secret to not hurt Jane that was not wrong to do and it wasn’t manipulative it was kind, now that it is out in the open you can tell them that you’re only co-workers and don’t talk about family ever.
If they can’t accept that and still want you to get another job then they are the ones creating an issue, ask your dad if he wants to become estranged from you. Because his behavior towards you is making you feel like you want to limit your time with him.
You are an adult, you are not doing anything wrong, and you are sorry that Jane feels upset about Gabby being your coworker but it is what it is, Jane will have to deal with it or she can limit her contact with you.
You potentially could get another job, but would that benefit you? Would the pay be better or the opportunity for advancement be there?
I have a feeling that this isn’t about Jane having painful memories I think it’s about Jane worried that her explanation of her kids being brainwashed might not be altogether true, and the real reason might be revealed to her new family.
As a mom, if my child was brainwashed against me I would see this as an opportunity for my child to maybe see that I am not what she was led to believe, and possibly this coworker relationship might lead to a reconciliation if all goes well.
At the very least I could find out a little about her life. Something to think about.” TBdoggies
16. AITJ For Not Inviting My Mom To My Wedding?
“I (23F) got engaged to my (25M) fiancé last year. We immediately started making plans. When we got to invitations, I did not include my mother or siblings on her side.
For some context, I had a really rough childhood due to my abusive step father. He never liked me and it was obviously apparent. When I turned 18, I went looking for my real father and found him. Due to whatever happened in the past my mother wouldn’t let me see him and did not like the fact I had found him.
Since I met him he has done nothing but be a good person to me. He treats me better than any parental figure I have ever had.
Fast forward to now and my mother made a comment that she would not be at my wedding or any event if he is there.
When I got engaged, we had planned on going to the courthouse but my bio father insisted on a wedding and even offered to buy my dress which I took the offer since that was the most expensive thing. We sent out invites and I simply just didn’t send my mother one.
My bio father paid for my dress and I didn’t feel it was right for him not to be there when he was the one who wanted it the most. My mother has not asked about my wedding or anything.
So am I the jerk for picking my bio dad over my mother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She let a terrible parental figure into your life and prevented your bio dad, who seems to be stepping up now that he has the opportunity, from being there for you.
And she’s the one who didn’t want to be at any event that includes him. So she essentially uninvited herself.
You ‘could’ send her an invitation for a souvenir, tuck a little note in it letting her know that he’ll be there and that you’ll understand if she decides not to attend, then that would leave the ball in her court.
However, you know her best… and you might not want your stepdad there, assuming they’re still together. So if you think it’ll cause more tension than joy, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Too many weddings get ruined by bitter people.
It’s supposed to be a happy day. Enjoy it.” EstherVCA
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mom is a jerk for saying she wouldn’t attend any events where bio dad is present. Bio dad is a jerk for insisting on a wedding instead of your original plans to get married at a courthouse.
Sure, buying a dress is nice of him, but I can’t see how that would be the biggest expense (what about catering? Venue rental?), And also you still could’ve worn a nice dress purchased by him at your courthouse ceremony.
And lastly, you are a jerk for not even telling your mom about the wedding. You still should tell her about it, and invite her (and only her given your issues with your stepdad), and if she decides not to come, so be it and that is on her.” someperson717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She tried to emotionally blackmail you to get her own way and you called her bluff on it. Putting her own wants before your needs is the reason alone for not inviting her, she’s made some very bad choices in her life but don’t let her push you into making one.
Stick to your guns and enjoy catching up on all the time she caused you to lose with your dad. I hope your wedding is wonderful and starts off a long and happy marriage in style. Be happy!” Sprogpaws
15. AITJ For Not Wanting An Uninvited Guest In My Bedroom?
“Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend that I met through my partner. My partner (we’ll call him Ryan) lives with me, our friend lives across the street.
Ryan walks home from work and tells our friend that his other friend (Paul) is going to come over on Wednesday (tomorrow, as I’m writing this).
I turned to Ryan and said ‘I wish you’d have run that by me first’ to which he replied ‘it’s my house too, I pay the rent’, my original phrasing was wrong, so I said ‘it’s not that I mind you having people over, I just would have liked to have known first,’ he didn’t answer me so I went home and went right to bed.
He brought it up again this morning, letting me know he’d need to use my PC because he and Paul would be playing Diablo together. I said that it was fine, but I’d need to clean first. He offered to help me when he gets off of work but I already know he’d be way too tired when he gets home.
He also said they’d be playing til like 5 AM, I just asked them not to play too late because I have to work (from home) at 8 AM and the PC is right next to the bed, and I know they can get loud when they get together.
He essentially said ‘well get over it, I lose sleep every morning while you work’, which, to me, is not the same thing at all. So then I was like ‘whatever I’ll sleep on the couch’.
It then dawned on me that if I slept on the couch that would mean Paul would be sleeping in our bed, on my side of the bed. This makes me extremely uncomfortable because A – I bought that bed and lived here before I even met Ryan.
B – I barely know Paul. C – I don’t like guests in our bedroom, to begin with. And D – I don’t even like my own friends or family sleeping in the bed I share with Ryan.
I sent Ryan a text letting him know I was uncomfortable with this after he left for work, but offering to compromise saying I would set up my PC to the TV in the living room, and I would set up my other TV out there as well so they can play Diablo together and I would put the air mattress out for his guest. This way I don’t have to give up my bedroom or lose sleep over a guest I didn’t even invite.
I felt it was fair but I seem to have managed to irritate Ryan; he essentially gave up trying to have the conversation. I understand he’s at work so he can’t reply quickly and told him we could talk about it when he gets home but he refused.
I just feel like this could have been avoided had he mentioned Paul was coming over in the first place so all of this could have been sorted out beforehand.
I feel like I might be the jerk because I refuse to budge on the bedroom situation.
Ryan isn’t being rude or trying to push the issue, but I feel like I’ve annoyed him because I don’t want Paul in the bedroom. I don’t have any issue with Paul, I think he’s a cool dude, but if it had been one of my friends, I’d still have the same stance on it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have a partner who prioritizes gaming over you getting the sleep you need, to do your job. Which presumably you need to pay your bills – for things like food and housing. Basic survival stuff.
You also have a partner who shows a lack of consideration for you and your time. Why does his friend get to take and use your computer? All night? While you try to sleep 2 feet away? Why do you have to move it all to the TV room for his gaming session?
Why do you have to clean up for his social event? Grown men who want to hang out should be making all those arrangements themselves and basic courtesy would have them running ideas for social events by their SO’s or roommates before they even ask their friends over.
Also, NTJ about the bed and bedroom, that’s basically the most intimate space there is, especially for a couple. I’ve been friends with people for my entire life and never been in the master bedroom of their home.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It doesn’t matter if he pays rent, too; you don’t invite people into a shared space like that without consulting everybody first.
Also, he indicated he was going to use your computer that’s next to the bed until dawn and tells you to******* up if he gets loud despite you having to work in the morning?
He’s already shown he’s not at all understanding about you working next to the bed.
Also, did I read that right in that he told the friend from across the street about Paul visiting before telling you?
Honestly, it sounds like he was upset you said anything in front of the friend and blew everything out of proportion as a result.
That’s an issue to be worked through. If he doesn’t want you to say things in front of the friend, then he needs to not spring things on you with no warning in front of the friend either.” IAndaraB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No one extra in my bed. No one extra in my house. Any guests need to be agreed on between all parties legally renting. And no one uses my computers. The boundaries your partner is stomping all over are huge.
If he wants a gaming buddy to set up camp, he can do so elsewhere on his machine. You are completely reasonable to say no to the whole mess.
Also, because I feel this guy has no concern for your boundaries, check your lease.
Most have limitations on how long guests can stay.
Actually, I’d also check the lease to see if there’s a clause allowing you to break it. Because this guy doesn’t deserve your time or effort. He doesn’t care about your space, your comfort, or your belongings.
He’s shown you that clearly in this situation. Start making a plan B now. He isn’t going to behave better.” LolaMalfoy
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend The Holidays With My Sick Mother-In-Law?
“My mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. We were told that it was very serious and that we should make the most of our remaining time with her.
My husband and I live a 12 hours drive away from MIL and FIL and since the diagnosis, we have spent every vacation and holiday with them.
We either fly, or we have to drive as we can’t find anyone to babysit our cats. In total, we have spent over a month and a half and thousands of dollars visiting them this year.
While I know that it’s important to support my husband as much as I can, I’m starting to spiral. We don’t ever really get a relaxing break, we’ve not been able to save as much as we can and I’ve started to feel depressed about the lack of control over my life right now.
With the upcoming Christmas holidays, I discussed the idea of me visiting my parents (who I haven’t seen in 6 months) while my husband visited his own. My husband was very upset and kept telling me that this could be his mom’s last Christmas with us and that I was being selfish.
He told me that his dad was looking forward to me being there and that it would seem like I don’t want to spend time with them.
I feel guilty that I am not being a supportive wife but I also feel justified in wanting to see my own family and enjoy a relaxing holiday for the first time in over a year.
AITJ?
Edit for info: For clarification, the doctor asked if she wanted to know how long she had left. She didn’t want to know and neither did FIL. We don’t know if it’s months or years. Unfortunately, compromising would be difficult for visiting both as our parents live on opposite ends of the country.”
Another User Comments:
“You can’t keep running on empty, you also have to look after your own mental health and it is only natural to want to see your own family too. You are the opposite of selfish and your other half suggesting that, is a jerk move from him.
NTJ
If you turn this around and this would be a reverse situation, it would be your parents/mum who was ill, would you be happy if he’d go and see his parents in the same scenario? Answer this question to yourself truthfully and you have your answer.” Smart_Land_8955
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if you had a lovely time and you weren’t shelling out a ton of money you would still be within reason to visit your family (especially once in six months). Anyone can die at any moment.
Life is so fragile. It is important to spend time with those we care about while we can. Yes your MIL has been given a timeline, but you are allowed to enjoy your life with others too. I for one would never forgive myself or my husband if something did happen to my parents in the meantime and he guilted me into not going.
You however have seen his parents a ton lately, so nothing for you to regret there.” DeathInParadise2007
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you’re husband is a big jerk, but I do think he is for making you feel guilty and not trying to understand how difficult things are for you.
I get he’s overwhelmed and dealing with grief that he will lose his mother, but I really think he’s quite the jerk for calling you selfish and guilting you so heavily.
I think you need to take a step back, breathe, and figure out what boundaries you need to set so that you can remain physically and mentally healthy so that you can live life, and support him through this trying time.
Basically, you need to tell him that you’re struggling, that it’s hurtful that he can’t or won’t see it, that you’re trying to be there for him and you’re breaking under the pressure and you don’t want to fall apart when he needs you the most. That you need to refill your well and visiting your parents is one way that you can do that.” corgihuntress
13. AITJ For Wanting To Set Up Financial Boundaries With My Mother-In-Law?
“My husband and I got married late last year, and his mother moved in with us because she is now elderly, lost her house years ago to foreclosure, and doesn’t collect a huge pension. In fact, she relies on him for everything.
He pays her phone bill and car insurance on top of housing her rent-free. Still, she asks to borrow money every month. My issue is that she magically always has funds for trips with her friends, dinners, and gambling. She is currently on a trip visiting the Great Wall of China with her friends and the trips include Vietnam and Thailand.
It was an expensive trip.
About 6 months ago, she came to me and asked if she could borrow $900 because she didn’t realize her deposit was due for this trip. I found it an odd request considering she knew he & I were due to take our belated honeymoon to Hawaii in just a few days, so I replied that I didn’t think we could spare the $900 due to our upcoming trip.
Later in the day, my husband casually tells me ‘My mom was cleaning the garage and found an extra $150 in our wedding presents’. 1) She stores NOTHING in our garage 2) she only goes in there to organize the recycling 3) I had all our cards in their respective envelopes in one big bag… so this means she took the cards out of the bag and opened the cards… for what?
Oh, maybe because I’d just told her we couldn’t lend her the $900. I had a major issue with this.
So my husband ended up lending her the funds (we share funds for the most part). But every month when she gets paid, she pays him back just to ask for more money a couple of weeks later for her medicine or dental work.
Then she made a point to tell me about how her friend invited her to shop and that she replied ‘I can only window shop because I don’t have money’.
Three days ago she complained her car was running oddly and my husband asked if she ever got the oil change he’s been telling her to get, and she said she didn’t have the budget to pay for it.
I told him I am fed up with supporting her financially for things she doesn’t need. Because it does affect me since anything he gives to her takes from him, and leaves less for him to contribute toward OUR finances.
In short, we really can’t afford to give her anything extra as we have no savings right now. And he said it was his mom and since she was a single mom to him he’s always going to want to take care of her.
She does help around the house but it’s nothing we couldn’t do if she wasn’t here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He told you exactly how it was going to work. His mother and her spending habits are here to stay.
If you want savings above and beyond your joint expenses, then you need to renegotiate your budget. Add a joint savings account with two signatures needed for withdrawal. Add a savings account for vacations. Add accounts for each shared expense.
Establish the amount that each of you contributes each month to each account. If he asks for you to give him money to cover something, when he gives his mother money, say you seem to have used up your money for this month.
I have expenses too, and I need my money for those expenses.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He didn’t force his mother on you. You allowed it within months of getting married. It was that point of time when questions should have been asked and decisions made on the viability of the marriage.
Elder care is, for some, a cultural requirement. For others, a moral obligation. Either way, a matter that should be discussed before marriage or starting a family.” Ronville
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kudos to your MIL, she worked this set-up well!
She’s living her best life and you two are funding it.
But given your husband’s attitude, I don’t like your chances of making him see sense. So you might want to consider having separate finances so he at least doesn’t bring you down with him when her demands pull him under.” ItsAllALot
12. AITJ For Ordering Takeout?
“I (f35) have been married to my husband (m37) for 6 months. He has 2 children from two different (uninvolved) mothers and they live with us full-time. The kids are 7 years old and 10 years old.
I work long hours and it’s a demanding job time-wise.
My husband thinks that just because I work from home that I can pause whenever but it’s untrue. He’d ask me to do things for the kids or him during work hours, but I told him I’m working and unavailable during those hours, and that the kids are his responsibility til I’m done.
Yesterday, He told me he wanted to go attend a friend’s engagement dinner and asked if I could ‘take time off work’ to make the kids dinner. I told him absolutely not and insisted that he cook for them or order takeout.
He said he had no time to cook, and takeout was off the table since he doesn’t want them to eat fast food. He later said fine and that he was going to cook dinner and then go to the party.
2 hours later, the kids came in and said they were hungry. I was puzzled, I asked if their dad cooked them dinner and they said he didn’t. Moreover!!! He told them to come and ask me to cook for them at exactly 7 pm.
I was so mad to find myself in this situation. I took a few minutes off the meeting and ordered takeout from the nearby restaurant and fed the kids, then had them watch tv, and then go to sleep.
He came home at 11 PM and went off on me after he discovered that I didn’t cook like he was counting on me to do.
Not only that, but he yelled about feeding the kids takeout. I argued back saying I had no choice after he basically tricked me into cooking for them knowing I was busy, so I ordered food and made sure the kids were fed while I focused on work.
He ranted about how I care more about work than my stepchildren (God forbid) and called me selfish then went upstairs and refused to talk to me. He’s still sulking about it today and says I need to get my priorities ‘in order’ cause they’re messed up.
Info – About that friend’s engagement. My husband has this friend from college. They’re close and he couldn’t miss the event. Moreover, he said he was upset with me for missing the event and now refusing to cook a homemade healthy meal and ordering takeout knowing it’s a ‘no-go’ for him.
Info – The reason I expected him to cook other than the fact that I was busy, was that he usually cooks for them so it’s both of our responsibility.
Info – Does he work? Yes, but barely. He works at a warehouse only twice a week.
His friend’s dad owns the warehouse and he has a lot of leverage.
Info – More context on the mothers. One is an ex-wife, and the other is an ex-partner. Both left for financial reasons he said but I’m not fully convinced by that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were working and your husband prioritized a party over taking care of his children… he’s the one acting selfish and childish.
He also thought that it was ok to directly lie to you and then deliberately push his responsibilities onto you during work hours while he was out partying.
That’s a level of disrespect that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Bottom line: he who acts like a disrespectful jerk to his wife and kids has no right to complain about how you deal with the situation that he dumped on you.
If he didn’t want them to eat takeout, then HE should have done HIS job as a parent.” Key-Bit1208
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in response to your actual question about ordering takeout but… gosh. Those poor kids. In general, I would say everyone sucks here.
Your husband is the jerk for lying and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants with no respect for your boundaries and work. You’re NTJ for not preparing a home-cooked meal when you made it very clear that you were unable to do so.
But did you two never talk about how this whole parenting thing was going to work before you got married? Is your plan to just let him deal with ‘his kids’ until they move out in 8 to 10 years?
Your ‘god forbid’ comment gets me, you SHOULD care more about your stepchildren than your job.
That doesn’t mean sacrificing your work at every drop of the hat, but YTJ if you married a man with young kids with no intention of caring about/for those kids. Your husband sounds like a terrible partner, and it sounds like you don’t want to be a mom.
Get some family counseling if you really want this to work, but you may have seriously incompatible ideas of how life and marriage together should work.” hannah_liz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’ve always hated that people think because I work from home, I can do things during the day.
My ex was the worst for it, wondering why housework wasn’t done and the kids were watching TV for an hour and a bit between them finishing school and me finishing work. Don’t get me started on what he expected from me when they were home-schooling during the global crisis.
He disrespected a very understandable boundary. You were working. If you didn’t work from home, it’s not like you could just come home and deal with the situation. Maybe it’s time for an office door with a lock so you can lock yourself in.
Not only did he disrespect your boundary, but he lied to you and manipulated you, and then had the audacity to complain because you fed them takeout when he did all that. I wonder why the kids’ moms are uninvolved. I wonder if it’s their choice or if he’s done something to make sure they are uninvolved and then blamed them.
Don’t have kids with this man and really look at whether this is a marriage that is equal.” curious_writer13
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Work With My Brother?
“I (21F) got a job recently that’s a pretty sweet gig. My parents wanted my brother (19M) to join me there and I don’t want him to.
I told him he can apply, but that I wouldn’t vouch for him.
I’ve never worked with him, when we were left home alone for weeks he’d almost never help me with chores putting the burden of an entire household on me, any previous job he’s had he quit without warning over minor inconveniences, he does illegal stuff (almost always smoking for hours, but recently branched into more) and he steals occasionally (my liquor for example).
My dad asked me to get the hiring manager’s number and name (I kinda have an idea that his name starts with an R, but nothing else) My interview was over Zoom and I got the job that way after applying online.
My parents want to fast-track my brother’s hiring process and are annoyed that I’m not doing more to help him get hired.
In my mind, if he gets hired then he gets hired, and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t.
I don’t want to stake my reputation on it.
AITJ?
Edit: am tempted to text the manager that I know the following: ‘Hey, (name). My brother sent an application online and wanted me to put a good word in as well as see if he could get the name of the hiring manager in order to e-mail them about his application.
I’m fine with being a reference for people I’ve been a co-worker too, I’m just not comfortable doing so with my brother since we’ve never worked together in a professional setting. Thank you for your time, see you at work.’ Thoughts?
Does he even deserve this? Would this still tack my name with his?
UPDATE: I was working when my manager called my brother to see if he still wanted the job and he said no so crisis averted!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s pretty telling that it’s your parents putting the pressure on you and not even your brother. Someone who is happy to just sit back and let other people get him a job is not someone you want to go out on a limb for.
To be honest – If I were you I would reach out to your manager and let them know that your brother might be applying but that you are not able to speak to his abilities (positively or negatively) since you have never worked with him in a professional setting.
Because I guarantee that he (or your parents) are going to name-drop you on his application/interview, and some places would take that as your tactic recommendation to hire him (i.e. they would assume you encouraged him to apply).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all and you’re definitely doing the right thing by not putting your reputation on the line for someone who has not proven themselves, family or not.
You can maybe offer to help look at your brother’s resume or his application over but you have zero obligation to do more than that.
You’ve only just started this job recently yourself and it’s extremely unfair for your parents to expect you to risk your job for a brother who frankly sounds undependable. Has your brother even come to you himself and said he wants to work there?
Or is this all being pushed on you by your parents.” sour_lemons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but don’t overthink this. Let your brother sink or swim on his own merit
I don’t know how big your team is but I doubt that a hiring manager would have 2 siblings working together without discussing with the one already employed. That’s asking to bring family dynamics into the workplace and most managers will see that as a potential red flag without you saying anything.
If you are asked to provide a reference, politely decline on the basis of not having worked with him. That will say plenty without saying anything.
Don’t give out the hiring manager’s phone number to your parents. He will know as soon as he recognizes the name that the number came from you.
Your parents sound like the type that might also say sabotage you, intentionally or unwittingly. The only upside is that no hiring manager is going to want to hire a kid whose mommy and daddy call the boss. But if I were your boss, I’d be mad that you gave out my number.
I would tell your parents that you asked if it was ok to give them his number and you were strictly forbidden to not give it out as a violation of their internal privacy policy. They will have no way of verifying that.” 229-northstar
Don't give references to people you know are untrustworthy or undependable, family or not. You don't want to damage your reputation at your great job by supporting someone like this. Tell your parents to get him a job if they like, but to leave you out.
Good luck!
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancée To Use Her Credit Card For A Car Down Payment?
“My (M29) fiancee (F30) and I merged our finances 3 months ago. We both make $60K and have 65K in debt including student loans.
She had $8400 in credit card debt and I had $5100. My debt was at 0% annual percentage rate while she was paying interest. So I suggested we take out a personal loan to pay off everything, and stop using credit cards as we were using them to circumvent not having the budget to buy things we didn’t really need.
In the last 2.5 months, we’ve spent $4100 in ‘shopping’ which excludes groceries and are random things (most of which we don’t need). $425 is mine and $3675 is hers. We review these every 2 weeks and have talked about how this is too much money many times so has been a thing that’s caused some tension.
We’ve talked countless times about reducing it and promised that we would but we haven’t.
She had a car lease from last year for $350 but she wanted a different car. The dealer promised her exchange for $300/month with $0 down so we were okay with that.
This morning the dealer said she needs $2700 down and $400/month. She called me to ask for advice but I was sleeping, so couldn’t answer it. She’d put the $2700 in her credit card as we didn’t have enough funds in our checking account.
I messaged her that while I’m okay with the extra $50/month, we had agreed to only use debit cards, not carry any credit cards, and if there is something we don’t have the budget for, we would just not buy it.
I told her to let’s try to stick to this in the future. Because we’ve had a lot of friction and fights about finances, I also told her that if she isn’t happy with the restrictions we both agreed to, I’m okay with keeping our finances separate.
I also brought up a point we’ve discussed many times about how finances are one of the leading causes of divorces, so not something we should take lightly.
She called me back and was very upset, which I understand. She said I was lecturing her and talking to her like a kid.
That obviously wasn’t my intention, so I apologized. My intention was just to reiterate the rule we’d agreed to. Her argument was that since I didn’t answer her call, she called her dad and went with getting the car. I said that if your partner isn’t available at the moment, you should have told them that you would need to talk to your partner and that you would get back to them since $2700 is a lot of money, particularly since we don’t have it.
My argument was that it was fine this time but please let’s stick to the rules we had agreed upon in the future. In the last 2.5 months, we’d saved $2K for emergencies but we now are paying off the $2700 with that.
We have another $1300 in savings left from before we merged, but that makes me very nervous since that’s nowhere enough if one of us gets fired, our (elderly with Cushing’s) dog needs surgery, my (13-year-old) car breaks down, or one of us have new medical bills, all issues we’ve discussed with each other many many times.
So AITJ for being upset about her using a credit card and messaging her about it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Paying interest on credit card debt is a horrible financial decision and it makes it hard to catch up financially.
It should be avoided whenever possible.
Merged finances as a married couple can be fine, but both individuals need to have a shared understanding of how to spend money. I would recommend keeping your finances separate if you do end up getting married – get a prenup.
If she can’t agree to that I would not be willing to get married. If she racks up a bunch of debt you don’t want to be stuck with it. If you need finances and then split up you could still be on the hook for paying down the debt that she created.
Also, she needs to live within her means. If she already had a working car she shouldn’t have been getting another car in the first place, especially when it ended up being more expensive and she had to put thousands on a credit card with no way to pay it off.” Imthatsick
Another User Comments:
“I am going with ‘no jerks here’ but you guys are not compatible financially at all. You can try to educate her but doesn’t sound like she wants or appreciates it. You are right that money is the leading cause of divorces but as someone with combined finances for 20 years, it’s a fundamental part of a marriage as well.
A lot of decisions – savings, emergency funds, where to live, house to buy, private or public school, college plans, retirement plans, life insurance, vacation plans, even what to eat and where all rely on financial decisions and if you have different approaches it will become a daily struggle.
You cannot be on different pages about this. I agree with your approach for what it’s worth. Saving more and paying down debt should be a no-brainer but financial literacy is pretty poor in this country. And stop leasing cars!” Hot_Mycologist_3561
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you two had a financial game plan in place and she went right around that and put you further in the hole. You need to be honest with yourself and determine if this is what you want from a committed partner.
Finances are one of the primary reasons for divorce and it’s clear she will continue to dig you into deeper holes with her thoughtless spending habits. Is this really something you want to commit to? If you’re going to make this work you need her to show that she can make changes to her spending habits or I promise you within 5 years of marriage you will either be miserable in debt or seeking a divorce.” DrizzledDrizzt
9. AITJ For Wanting My Sister To Dye Her Hair?
“My (26f) wedding is in 3 months. Both of my sisters (Sadie 29f, and Olivia 20f) are my maid of honor. My wedding is going to be elegant and big, as the groom and I have a lot of friends/family and we’ve always dreamt of an extravagant wedding.
I have a good relationship with both sisters, however, my younger sister, Olivia, has made the process a bit difficult as a bridesmaid. I chose a light dusty pink for the color of the bridesmaid dresses and let the girls pick what style they wanted. Immediately, Olivia says she’s going to feel insecure as she’s so pale and the dress will make her look red. I suggested a spray tan, as the color of the dresses had already been set in stone to match the rest of my wedding but she said absolutely not (fair).
I didn’t hear anything else about the dresses, but now I’m in a predicament with her again and I’m not sure if I’ve made a mistake by making such a big deal of this.
Olivia regularly highlighted her dark brown hair with blonde for years but decided about a year ago to grow it out and let it get healthy, meaning no dye.
A month or so in, her hair didn’t look terrible, more like a balayage, but now we’re around the year mark and her roots are straight up brown and there’s a straight line, no blending, of blonde for the last 8 inches of her hair.
Olivia has insisted she has her hair down during the wedding, however, I don’t want her roots and hair on full display during pictures, the ceremony, and throughout the night. I love my sister and respect what she wants to do with her hair, however, her hair is eye sore and I’ve never seen anyone let their hair look like this for this long.
I told her I would pay for anything she wanted to be done to it, as long as her roots were at least a BIT blended for the wedding. She says that she doesn’t want to put any more chemicals on it and is leaving it and I won’t change her mind.
I told my hairdresser about Olivia’s POV (we go to the same hairdresser) and she told me that there are plenty of things she can do for her that can make her hair look blended and still be healthy.
Olivia still refuses, despite my offering to pay and telling her our hairdresser said she could make subtle changes and preserve her hair.
I should add that her hair is NOT breaking or fried, she simply wanted a break from dying it to get it as healthy as she could and to grow it out.
This day is one of the most important in my life and having someone in my wedding party with unkept roots is something I don’t want. I’m not asking her to cut it or change the color, just blend/transition the colors.
She’s irritated because my other sister and mother have told her that she should change it for the sake of not ruining pictures.
AITJ here?
ETA – My sister doesn’t want her hair up because she doesn’t like how it looks up.
People are inventing medical reasons that simply do not apply to her. She doesn’t like her hair up, that’s her reasoning.
Her dress color WAS made a big deal of until I suggest she can get a spray tan because I’m not changing the colors of my wedding this close to it.
I don’t have enough characters to add to every detail of this fiasco, but it IS dropped now.
Photoshop is a great solution except she’ll be in every picture of the wedding party. That is so time-consuming for the photographer that it isn’t realistic.
I don’t expect her to dye her hair completely and put bleach on it again, I just asked her to let our stylist do ANYTHING she can to blend the roots. The stylist said she could easily do a gloss with NON-permanent dye and then a hair treatment to ensure her hair is still healthy.
Sister won’t go for it still (and to answer the question, no, sister does not get her hair trimmed. She is trying to grow it while still not taking the right steps to do so).
I feel like I’m out of options as everything I’ve suggested to compromise with her, she says no. It’s a big deal to me that her hair doesn’t look like a Halloween costume while I’m spending so much time and money on this event.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I usually think requests like this are rude, but it sounds like you’ve offered her a lot of alternatives as options – the simples being that all she has to do is wear her hair up.
Most brides dictate hair and makeup to an extent, regardless.
The way you’re describing it, the hair sounds like it looks unkempt. If she showed up unwashed from a week prior and refused to take a shower it wouldn’t be much different.
As your maid of honor, it’s not just pictures. She’s representing your family/inner circle the entire day, including possibly making a speech.
Can your mom talk to her for you? It sounds like she’s just being stubborn at this point.
Sounds like typical 20-year-old girl stuff. I wouldn’t kick my sister out of my wedding, but it’s concerning that this is important to you and she isn’t willing to make a minor adjustment to her appearance such as wearing her hair in an up-do or even using a temporary spray to color her hair just until she washes it.
If this was my family I would write her a letter so she has time to think about it without reacting emotionally as you can in conversation. Really emphasize that it isn’t just about pictures, but about you wanting your day perfect.
Explain any minor distress that could upset you, and that it hurts your feelings that as your sister she wouldn’t be willing to accommodate such a small request on your wedding day, especially something that means a lot to you and should mean very little to her.” x_add_it_up_x
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nobody cares about this except you. The guests don’t care if a bridesmaid has two-toned hair. The wedding pictures will end up in an album that sits out and gets glanced through every couple of years (maybe) or hanging in dusty frames in various family homes.
If it’s a big wedding, by your 10th anniversary you won’t even remember the names of all your guests or why they were invited.
Enjoy your extravagant wedding, but don’t be the bride who tries to change the way her friends and family look to make them ‘better’ for pictures.
That behavior is far worse than the sight of anyone’s roots.” chernaboggles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I say this because your sister sounds like a bit of a prima donna regarding the dress color, the spray tan, and refusing to wear her hair up.
This is not her day, any decent bridesmaid knows that they may have to compromise their own personal style a little on someone else’s wedding day.
Obviously, you can’t force Olivia to dye her hair but given all that’s gone before (dress color, spray tan, updo refusal) are you really sure you want someone in your wedding party who will not compromise at all to ensure you get the wedding you want?
It’s not about the hair really, is it? You have a bridesmaid who appears to be going out of her way to be as awkward and unaccommodating as possible and she must know on some level that she’s being a bit of a jerk about everything you’ve asked her to do (except the hair dye thing, you really can’t ask her to do that).
I wish you luck dealing with her, she sounds like a little madam.” CircesVengeance
8. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Get A Job?
“My partner of 9 months has worked full time since graduating high school 6 years ago. Earlier this year, he moved back in with his parents because his landlord kicked him out to allow a family member to move in (they didn’t have a rental agreement.
Shortly after, he quit his job and told me he would spend a month enjoying life before starting his job search again. He told me he had a few thousand dollars saved up so he could still be comfortable while unemployed. I completely understand wanting to take a break from work so I encouraged him to do that.
I wish I could do that myself!
Well since then, 5 months have gone by and he only applied for one job 2 months ago. His savings dwindled to a few dollars and I had to loan him bus money a few times, we just hang out at his house and I pay for our dates sometimes when we do go out.
We also were planning a trip for later this year and I have no idea why he hasn’t started saving up for that. I asked him why he hasn’t gotten a job yet and he got defensive, saying I don’t accept him for who he is and that I think he’s doing nothing all day.
I personally don’t understand how he could allow his savings to dwindle that much when he hasn’t even looked for a job when we have a trip planned. He even wants to meet my parents but they already don’t like him because they know about this situation and my parents are very hard workers.
I told my partner that it was a good idea to get a job before meeting my parents so they can have a good first impression, and he bitterly said ‘I guess my good character won’t be enough to win them over.’
I feel frustrated but at the same time I know since we don’t live together I don’t have a right to nag him, but to me, it shows a huge difference in our sense of responsibility and work ethic.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. objects at rest tend to stay at rest. The longer he’s out of work the longer he’ll take to get up off his butt. it’s easy to get used to and a bad habit to start at a young age.
Luckily you are not living together and you can get out of the relationship if you want.
And that should be what you are thinking about. do you really want to tie yourself to a partner who very likely may not keep up his end of the deal thru the years ahead?
But if it’s just casual, hang out with him all you want but don’t throw your money away on him. if he can’t pay for his own entertainment, then start doing things with people who can.” Pure-Relationship125
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for financing his life and putting your financial wellbeing on hold, he’s in the mindset that why should I get a job when my partner can and will pay for me so hey I’ll leech off of my partner, and no I won’t show them or their parents respect by looking for a job.
Stop paying for him, he’s an adult and can and needs to accept the consequences of his actions, he’s got no money, then he can walk instead of you paying for his bus fares, he wants to go on holiday then too bad until he pays his own way for his share of the holiday then he’ll be missing out, which will be his own fault and the consequences of his own actions.
You deserve better, make yourself priority number one because he certainly isn’t making you a priority in his life.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“First off, NTJ.
He needs to get a job and stop mooching off of you.
That being said, I know from personal experience that there is something very easy about falling into a sort of lethargy when you’re not actively doing some sort of job (it doesn’t have to be a paying job, just something that makes you get up and get going every day) that is really hard to get out of.
I’m not sure it’s depression exactly, but it’s pretty similar.
I’d try being straight with him: he’s not living up to what he said he would do, and at this time, you can’t continue to support him financially. If he wants to go on that trip, he has to pay for it.
And I’d consider a deadline: he needs to find some sort of job (even part-time! That would help!) within a month, or you’re calling off the trip and reconsidering the relationship. (The only place I might bend on withdrawing support is if he needs to get to an interview.
Supporting positive actions aren’t the same thing as enablement.)” Eastern_Fox5735
7. AITJ For Not Helping My Sister After She Got Kicked Out?
“My sister (23F) and I (20F) share the same mother (who had passed away long ago) and we have different fathers. We have always been very close and we would talk at least 3/4 times a week sometimes more.
I moved away from my family and I now live with my partner one state over. I pay bills and I work 35-40 hours a week. My sister has 3 young children. I have no children it’s just my partner and me.
She too earns her own money. Our relationship has become very distant and I notice her never responding to my messages or anything. Not even to tell me she’s busy or can’t talk. She reads my messages but never responds to me which is very hurtful since we have always been very close.
I know everybody has their own life and she’s a busy person. BUT, she only ever does talk to me when she needs funds. She asks me at least once per week for money. It’s always a different reason for it as well.
Depending on her reasoning (which I sometimes don’t know is even true) I do send her funds. I have gotten my money back 1 time (she always swears to pay me back).
Last week she paid me the 30 dollars back she needed and two days later asked me for 20 more dollars to which I responded I did not have it.
I work hard for my money and I also don’t have a very high-paying job. At 7 in the morning, she called me to which I could not answer because my partner is asleep and I’m respectful so I sent her a message instead.
She said her father kicked her out and I asked her why and what happened and she stated that ‘he’s a jerk’ and asked me to give her the budget for a motel or something. I don’t even get paid until later today but I do have some funds in savings that are meant strictly for bills.
She swears to pay me back later but I don’t really trust that I will get that money back. I told her I don’t have the money and of course, she disappeared once again. I always try to help my family members as much as I can but I feel as if she is taking advantage of my kindness regardless of being my sister.
So am I the jerk for not helping my sister after she got kicked out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She has 3 young children at 23. Who is taking care of them? I usually understand when people want to be parents, but you can’t be a responsible parent without financial stability (and other things).
I’m concerned about the children’s well-being at this point.
Dad probably kicked her out because she is constantly asking him for money or not trying to leave. He probably doesn’t want to take care of young kids.
Your sister is using you. Since you don’t have kids, she probably thinks she can always get funds from you.
Whatever the reason the dad kicked her out, she needs to work on that. That issue is between them.” luvduvbunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You need to stop giving her funds because you are probably supporting an addiction at the most or a bad habit at the very least. She isn’t treating you as a ‘close’ sister… she is treating you as a way to get money.
I suggest you stop giving her money right now. Ask her dad for information and please don’t pursue her in any way. You might get caught up in very dangerous situations and it may ruin your life. Focus on the life you have… Stay away from her because there is nothing you can do to fix her… nothing anyone can do.
She must decide for herself to get the help she needs to kick her addictions.” orangeupurple1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your sister sounds like she’s going downhill and might need help. Maybe tell her you noticed that you used to talk 3-4 times a week and now she only calls when she needs funds, then asks her if she’s in some sort of trouble.
This is about more than money, this is about a personality change.
If someone’s asking for $20 to make a difference in their life then you know they’re really poor. If you’d feel comfy then call her dad and ask what’s going on.
My guess is she got kicked out and needs to find another relative to stay with while she gets herself together. I know you’re disgusted with her, and rightly so, but she has three young children who also need help, so please consider making that phone call.
But whatever you do, don’t give her more money because it may be going right to illegal stuff.” Pkfrompa
6. AITJ For Telling My Partner About My Funds?
“We’ve been together for 3 years and own a house together. Her mother just unexpectedly gifted her €10,000, and my partner told me about this and said we can use it as joint funds to put towards work on the house.
My grandfather gifted me €15,000 a few weeks earlier, and I didn’t mention this to my partner. I put up a bit of resistance to her offer of her funds being joint funds but eventually accepted when she insisted.
But I still didn’t mention the funds my grandfather gifted me because it’s in another country and it is part of my inheritance.
I accidentally let slip that I had more funds abroad and my partner pulled me up on it and said ‘I thought you had XYZ amount’. I explained that my grandfather had gifted me more funds, and she was furious that I didn’t mention this at the time she told me about being gifted her funds, and that I eventually accepted her offer for it to be joint funds.
She accused me of hiding funds abroad and it ended in a bitter argument. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You do not have to share all of your financial information with your partner if you generally keep your finances separate.
But you do have to take into consideration the information that you have and that she doesn’t (in this case significant funds that you inherited) when making these types of decisions together.
You should have insisted on her keeping the money as a personal fund and been clear that you believe money gifted or inherited from relatives should remain personal funds, not joint funds.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
So you are committed enough with your partner to own a house together but not enough to share in your wealth or good fortune?
You cite the fact that this money is your inheritance as if that explains it, but what do you expect to do with any inheritance if you are in a committed relationship?
And why does she not have the same right to describe the money given to her as being part of her inheritance?
It seems you resisted her offer of the money not so much out of any sense of right or wrong but rather because you had even more than her and you probably perceived it as being a ‘bad deal’ for you financially.
In other words, she is far more committed to your future than are you.
You need to make a choice here: are you committed to her or are you not?
Based upon your choices so far, it would appear not and that is probably what she is thinking (among myriad other things that maybe you don’t want her thinking about…)
If you really are as non-committal to her as you have shown with your greed and selfishness, then you owe it to her as a piece of basic human decency and respect to tell her that so you can split your assets with her and she can go on her merry way to maybe find someone who will actually love and above all, respect her.” Draculamb
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – hiding funds is always going to be something people reconsider relationships over. She likely would have been fine If you told her you’d like to keep it separate as it’s an inherence but no. You not only hid it, but you also accepted HER money while still lying about yours.
She wanted a life with you, you clearly didn’t want one with her. Hopefully, she finds someone who can be as open and sharing as her because now she’s wondering what else you don’t trust her with knowing.
What else are you hiding? You’ve broken a lot now.” AmFmCoffee
Put yourself in your SO's shoes. Say she had $15K that she didn't tell you about and didn't offer up to help renovate the house, but she accepted half of YOUR $10k to be shared for the same purpose. Would she be the jerk? Of course. And so are you. And a cheap one at that. If I were her, I'd rescind my offer and demand a joint account to which you both contribute for home expenses, and to keep the rest separate.
Oh, and now since you lied to her ( a sin of omission is still a lie), you have the onerous task of trying to win back her trust. In her place, I'd make it hard as heck for you to do. Shame on you.
5. AITJ For Telling My Brother To Stop Spoiling His Son?
“I (34f) have 3 siblings (37f, 31m, and 29m). Recently, my brother (31) and his wife (31f) asked my nephew (16m) to watch their children (11m, 9f, 8m) overnight. This nephew is my older sister’s son.
My brother and his wife were out of town on a business trip, and my older sister and her husband (37m) were out of town with their youngest (13m) for a soccer tournament. I live 35 minutes away and have my own kids (12m and 10f), our youngest brother lives 2 hours away.
My nephew has babysat before for them, but not overnight like this, but they figured he was old enough now and was the easiest option. My nephew was sleeping in the guest room.
My nephew since 11/12 has been really into the afterlife, mortuary science, etc. At first, everyone in the family thought it was a bit strange, but we’ve gotten used to it.
He’s a good kid and does well in school. He wants to be a mortician when he grows up and works on the campaign for the Democratic nominee for coroner in the county. He had brought a backpack with some DVDs on mortuary science to watch in the guest room, as well as some school work and some snacks.
While he was making dinner, my 11-year-old nephew had gone into the guest room and started going through his cousin’s bag, and took one of the DVDs, the kids ate, and then my nephew who was watching them went into the guest room, a few minutes later he heard screaming from across the hall, he went to check on it to see his cousin had stolen the DVD and was watching it, he took it back and eventually the kids went to sleep.
The next morning when my brother and his wife came home, their son told them what had happened and how he had nightmares over it, my nephew tried defending himself by saying that he shouldn’t have gone through the bag, but my brother said it was his fault for bringing the DVDs to the house.
After my sister picked up her son, he told her what had happened, later that day I called my sister and asked her how the soccer tournament went and then asked her how the babysitting went, and she told me what went down.
The following day, my brother called me to catch up, and in that he mentioned how his son was having nightmares, when I asked him why he had mentioned the babysitting and still blamed our nephew.
My 11-year-old nephew is spoiled and incredibly hard to deal with, his parents are always buying him the latest Marvel or Pokemon stuff, and what they don’t buy, our parents get (to be fair, parents spoil other grandkids too, my 16-year-old nephew likes collecting campaign merch from people who ran for the coroner and they buy him that stuff), but he is a mean 11-year-old, bullies kids at school and his younger siblings.
I told my brother if he didn’t stop coddling his son, I would not be visiting him anymore because I don’t like negativity. He called our parents after that and I got a lecture from them on sibling love and how I should respect him.
My sister and 29-year-old bro are siding with me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother on the other hand is very biased. Instead of looking at the bigger picture he goes and babies an almost teenager. 11-year-old knew well what he was doing by taking something that didn’t belong to him in the first place, I’m guessing your brother grew up with similar treatment from your parents and that’s why now he reflects that with his kids.
Good in keeping your distance, that kid will just entice your kids to think this behavior is acceptable. Your parents need to stay out of sibling issues, yet again it reflects the same traits that your brother has with his son as your parents are also standing up for him so you can be ‘nice’.” Free_Distance7839
Another User Comments:
“All you were trying to say to your brother is that he should stop blaming others for things that are the fault of his son. If his son is a bully and he’s mean to his siblings and does whatever he wants with no consequence, maybe there are different things you could’ve said to bring the context home but essentially your message is your right to convey.
NTJ
It sounds like you and your children are constantly subjected to this and your brother Is either the favorite or a narcissist or whatever and your parents seem to favor your nephew and it just sounds irritating. If you were getting validation from your other two siblings it sounds like they see it also.
Maybe your sister can try to explain to your parents that they should stop spoiling him and favoring him over everyone else. Particularly when he makes his house unsafe for his own siblings.
He doesn’t need so much and he shouldn’t be spoiled like that, and I don’t use the word spoiled like getting your needs met, it sounds like he truly gets whatever he wants no matter what.
and as a result, he thinks he’s better than he is which is not a service to him as a human being.
I would tell your parents if I were you ‘I think your message is wrong, I understand about sibling love and I have plenty of it, this has to do with a misbehaving and overindulged kid who bullies others and his siblings, and feels entitled to do whatever he wants.
My brother should not be blaming others, rather he should be teaching his son to respect the privacy of his cousin!’
‘This concept of conflating sibling love and ‘respect’ is such crap but if you’re not careful you’re going to alienate your other three children and the balance of your grandchildren.
Maybe you should take a page out of your own book and respect your daughter and her son, and my right as a sibling to tell my brother when he is wrong. But if you’re only interested in favoring my brother and his son then there’s really no talking to you so we can end this conversation and I will thank you for not being his messenger in the future’.” EclecticVictuals
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The younger nephew had no business going into someone else’s things. At his age, there are no excuses. Second, although some may find it creepy shout out to your 16-year-old nephew for being dedicated to a career already that he’s already studying up.
He’s ready to work. Your brother was wrong for tattling on you. In my opinion, the 11-year-old was wrong and if what you say about him being coddled is true then your brother and his wife are wrong too.
You can’t be coddling no bully, especially if it’s your kid. Nip that mess in the bud asap. Having said that unfortunately your brother can treat/discipline his child/children how he sees fit. My question is what goes down when you’re there that you see that makes you feel like ugh not this coddling crap again?
Maybe giving your brother some real-life examples could help him see your perspective and hopefully change for the best.” Fit-Dream3026
4. AITJ For Stealing A Job I Didn't Need?
“I’m a sophomore in college, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have parents that are willing to pay my tuition.
Part of my tuition is covered by merit scholarships I earned, but I go to a very expensive liberal arts school, and I don’t qualify for any need-based aid, so they’re still paying upwards of 40k a year.
This is something they can afford, but it still puts a strain on them.
I have my own things I want to buy on the side — clothes, cologne, guitar stuff — and although my parents give me a credit card, I feel bad using it for anything but small things, since they’re already spending so much money on me.
So I’ve been on the lookout for a job.
Since I go to a liberal arts school without a grad school, the TA (teaching assistant) positions go to undergrads. A freshman history TA position opened up under a professor I had and was well-liked by last year, so I decided to apply.
It seemed a good job for me — I’m interested in the subject, like the prof I’d be working under, and it offers a relative amount of free time (I’d have to hold office hours 3 times a week for 3 hours each, and whichever parts of those 3 hours I wouldn’t have students coming in would be free for me to do my own hw or whatever).
This guy I knew was also applying, except he was paying his tuition entirely with loans since he couldn’t afford to pay, and wanted to take this job on as a work-study to lower the amount he had to pay as loans afterward.
He asked me not to apply since he knew I didn’t need it as much as he did.
I did it anyways because I figured, to let the best person win. It could be either of us or somebody else entirely.
He’s not entitled to the job just because he needs it more.
Anyhow, I did end up getting the job, and this guy called me the jerk because for me it was a way to have some extra spending funds and for him, it was a lot, a lot more important.
I still don’t think he was entitled to the job just because he needed it. We applied, among others, and I was chosen, and I see that as a clear-cut ending.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! While I agree he probably could’ve used it more since he’s going into massive debt before his career even starts.
But you’re equally as deserving! He had the opportunity to be considered but he obviously wasn’t the right fit for the job! Just because you didn’t apply, doesn’t mean he’d get it! He needs to face the harsh reality that that’s not how the world works!
There are other jobs/opportunities out there for him! Many employers are becoming desperate for workers in many areas (I’m not sure about what it’s like where you’re from) that they’re paying higher than minimum wage! I mean even McDonald’s in my area is paying $2+ an hour more than min.
wage now! He has options!
Funny thing unrelated… I know people who were employed before the increases and were making less than the new employees and obviously, they wouldn’t give them a raise, so they quit and applied again. And them being so desperate they hire them again!
OH, AND THE GOVERNMENT IS GIVING MONEY TO PAY/FORGIVE STUDENT LOAN DEBT! He can get a minimum of $10,000 forgiven! If he qualified for ‘Pell Grants’ (pretty much only those who are basically poor qualify for these) can get up to $20,000 forgiven.
Not sure if he’s aware of this! It takes like 5 min max to apply! I’m not sure how much a TA makes but that would definitely be a good amount to receive for doing absolutely nothing!” PlasticDazzling8011
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He doesn’t really have a right to ask you not to apply, but citing ‘fairness’ in a system that is set up to be unfair and financially punitive is not the slam dunk you think it is.
Also, the ‘best person for the job’ mantra is straight out of the privilege handbook, ignoring the documented evidence that ‘the best person’ choice is often steeped in unconscious bias and prejudice in the selection process.” zealous-grasschoice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t ‘steal’ the job, you had better grades so you were more suitable for a teaching assistant position. If anything, even if we assumed you were the only two candidates, he was trying to convince you to ‘give away’ the job to him.
(Though of course you weren’t the only two, so the whole conversation is stupid – he was asking you to be left without a job FOR SURE so that MAYBE he gets it).
Also, you looked for a job so you wouldn’t need to strain your parents even more or live like a monk, with no hobbies and no extras.
And I would argue you owe more to your parents than to an acquaintance asking you to hand over stuff because he can’t get them himself.” Eddy5264
3. AITJ For Not Paying For My Son's College Tuition?
“I (39M) had a one-night stand in college, and the girl, who we’ll call Jade, got pregnant. I agreed to pay child support, but that was all. This arrangement has worked for 18 years, and I never liked the idea of having kids anyway, so I don’t really mind that my son, Marty (18M) and I have no contact.
Jade never got a man or anything after she had Marty, so she’s been doing a pretty good job all by herself. We’re still friends to this day, and I’ve only spoken to Marty a few times.
Marty, having recently graduated high school, wants to get into college.
His tuition is expensive though, and as a single parent, Jade can’t afford it and won’t fund his tuition because of that.
Marty got my number from Jade and asked if I would help pay for his tuition. He made a point saying that I have a well-paying job, he was my only son, and I’d never been there for him as a dad, so I should at least pay his tuition.
I refused because first off, I’ve paid Jade child support and extra funds on the side for his entire life. And second, I never wanted kids, to begin with, child support was the condition I took to not have to directly care for one.
He said that it was selfish of me to pretend like I didn’t have an obligation to him, and I told him I did have an obligation, which was to pay for him until he was an adult. He protested saying that I ‘never gave him anything’.
Which just isn’t true, I made sure Jade had the funds to care for him and gave him gifts through Jade on occasion.
Jade and I have been content with this arrangement for years, and she does a great job being a parent, I funded a whole lot of my son’s life, and I basically paid for everything Jade couldn’t, like extracurriculars and sometimes even bills and groceries if she was in a bad spot.
Jade agrees that Marty is being unreasonable in this demand, and she’s thankful that I was there to support them both. She told Marty he had other options, and it would hurt my finances too (his tuition is tens of thousands of dollars, I get paid more than average, but not enough to afford that).
He’s mad at Jade for taking my side, saying I’m an unsupportive bum, and that I’ve done nothing for him in the long run. But that’s just not true. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I have to go with NTJ.
I am going with the assumption that this is in the U.S.
I give you credit for being financially responsible. What some of the people on Reddit are forgetting is that there are some custody situations where in order to not pay child support the father gives up all parental rights to the child.
I can only assume that you paid because you do feel a sense of responsibility. Which is a credit to you. I would like to remind people that contraceptives are a 2 people concern and are not foolproof. He could have gloved up but she missed a dose of her pill.
You don’t know the situation surrounding conception. As for getting snipped, that is considered elective surgery and I don’t know any regular college kid who can afford that.
The fact that he can’t feel an emotional attachment to his child is sad, but that’s how some people are wired. It could have been worse.
You could have forced yourself to be involved and screwed him up more by being resentful.
The sad fact is legally after 18 the child is not OP’s financial responsibility. No parent is legally responsible for funding secondary education. Does it make sense that secondary education is so expensive that there is no way an 18-year-old can pay for it?
Of course not. It makes no sense that we live in a society where we tell brand-new adults that they have to go into debt way before they can even start their first career let alone buy a house. But this is not OP’s fault, the fault lies in the sad state of the American education system.
I also have to question the son’s behavior. I mean it’s not like he didn’t know this about OP for most of his life and considering mom is siding with OP, I have to question if this is the son’s way of manipulating OP to get what he wants.
I also agree with some other posters that the son is probably not a great student. Because if he was, this story would make great essay material for scholarship applications. ‘My journey of moving past an emotionally distant father to become a better person,’ or something along that line.” CuriousosityKilldCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
WAIT. You’re not going to get off that easy.
This sounds like he’s a kid with two parents that didn’t want him. Which is unfortunate because he did not ask to be here at all.
It also sounds like you have been punishing this kid for existing all his life which is really messed up.
The hands-off approach you have taken in the life of someone who shares half of your DNA is astounding. Having an absent father is one thing, having a present uninvolved father is worse because you showed that kid every day for the past 18 years that he isn’t wanted which is going to mess that kid up for life.
He’s 18 so it already has affected his development and his relationship with others.
You helped out financially. Big whoop. You are supposed to do that as a parent. You get zero kudos from me for that. Something tells me you are using that as a sign that you’re a good parent.
You don’t have to pay for college. Let’s establish that. Your son could get a job and help with his school costs. What you could have done was at least offer to pay a small portion. Just because it’s your kid and at least to show him you care about him making something of himself.
No, you choose, yet again, to show this kid that you don’t care about him. Both his mother and you suck.
I don’t want kids either but I hope to god (I’m not even religious) that if I ever have an oops baby I could at least give the thing enough love so that it doesn’t have to go through what your kid is going through.” SeenInTheAirport
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I understand where Marty is coming from. And so do you… deep down.
From his perspective, he’s a teenager. An adult yes, but he’s lived his whole life watching his mother struggle and knowing that he has a father who doesn’t want (want to be the key word) to have any involvement in his son’s life.
Marty does not see the child support as physical help because it goes into his mother’s account and SHE is the one using it, not him.
He is right to begrudge you for your absence because he is a child who has been deprived of a father.
You are right to not want any involvement more than your financial obligations. You have fulfilled your financial role but that doesn’t mean that he is at fault for feeling the way he does.
It’s a horrible situation to be in but I’d advise that you and Jade have a sit-down chat with Marty and all of you listen to each other’s POV and try to help each other heal. Marty is the one who is affected by you and Jade’s ONS so he does kinda deserve a proper explanation and to know that it’s not his fault that you don’t love him.
I can guarantee that is how he’ll be feeling.” pocahontasjane
2. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sister-In-Law For Throwing All My Gifts For My Niece?
“I (F20) have an older brother (M31) who is married to his wife (F31).
They have a daughter Evie (F10).
Evie’s birthday was last month. She’s obsessed with Minecraft at the moment, so I got her a Minecraft-themed cup and a Minecraft poster for her birthday. Evie seemed really happy with these gifts.
I visited their home last week and noticed that the poster and cup were nowhere to be seen.
I asked my SIL if Evie didn’t like Minecraft anymore.
She admitted that she threw out my gifts because they didn’t match the rest of her home’s ‘color scheme’. I was shocked and said that I’d never heard anything so ridiculous.
My SIL said it’s her home and she can do what she likes and that I’m not entitled to see the gifts I bought in their home or see Evie enjoy them. I told my SIL that’s such a waste of a perfectly good poster and a perfectly good cup and that she was irrational.
SIL started raging at me and told me to stop telling her what to do in her own home, and said that if I don’t like it, I can stop buying gifts for her and her family.
I left shortly afterward.
SIL told my brother what happened and he told me I’m being horrible to his wife over nothing. I tried to tell my side of the story and he said I’m making excuses for poor behavior on my part.
Edit: for those wondering if Evie actually liked her gifts, I highly doubt my SIL is covering up Evie not liking them.
When her birthday was coming up, all she’d ask for is Minecraft-themed things.
Edit: My brother and SIL definitely aren’t having financial problems and sold the items. They are actually quite well off.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s perfectly normal to be upset to find out that your gifts were thrown away like garbage, especially for such a trivial and shallow reason.
Your SIL knew she was in the wrong, which is why she blew up irrationally like she did. More than likely, she doesn’t like that her daughter like Minecraft and is trying to police her gifts.
Your brother is just as much of a jerk as your SIL is for his behavior as well.
The fact that he was willing to blow you off and act the way he did makes it perfectly clear that he doesn’t care about you like you do him.
You have to decide how much of a relationship you want with your niece.
You can either swallow your pride and apologize to them in order to continue having a relationship with Evie or you can go no contact/low contact with them and just reach out to Evie on special occasions. Whatever you do, don’t buy her anything else unless you are ok with it being trashed by trashy people.” c******k
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. When you gift someone something, they are under no obligation to you to use that gift in a way that you would like. If they want to set your gift on fire for fun, or regift it, or take it in the shower with them, that’s their prerogative, because it is theirs now.
YTJ for expecting that the gift is used and making a big deal out of it to your SIL. The issue, as I say below, is that your SIL is throwing out your niece’s toys for an inane reason. I get being hurt – I would be too, to be honest – but you have to manage that on your own, and you can adjust whether or how you give gifts to your niece moving forward.
Your SIL is a jerk, too (big time), for throwing away her daughter’s gift because it doesn’t match the color scheme. This is not only wasteful, but it is depriving your niece of something that I assume she would have really enjoyed. This is the biggest issue.
I agree with you, OP, that it is ridiculous. But it would be ridiculous whether it was your gift or someone else’s. The issue is likely larger than your particular gift and what they did with it.” Apprehensive_Yam_567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, if you feel you must, send an apology to the SIL and Brother saying you are sorry, you didn’t realize that presents for your niece had to match the color scheme of the home. Since your niece likes Minecraft, that’s why you got those gifts, you had no idea they would be thrown out because they didn’t ‘match’ from now on you will simply take your niece out for activities rather than risk purchasing things that don’t ‘match.’ Your behavior wasn’t ‘poor’ but your brother’s and SIL’s certainly was.” coloradogrown85
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your SIL to a larger degree.
SIL gets the bigger jerk share if she threw out a perfectly good cup. But I’m curious where you thought a cup would be displayed.
Asking someone where a gift is pretty dang rude and it is inviting the person to tell you to bug off.
If you don’t see it getting actively used, take the hint. This is almost never going to result in a productive conversation.
Home decor items are bad gifts. Especially for a child. Why would you give her something for the wall, that relies on her specifically liking that exact poster, vs an item she could actually use or play with?
Just because someone likes a property doesn’t mean they will like something that is basically wall art to look at every day.” bamatrek
1. AITJ For Not Punishing My Son For Being Disgusted By My Daughter's Period?
“My son and daughter (both in early teens) have a reasonably good relationship with each other (and me, I hope).
A few days back, J had her period and accidentally stained her bedsheets. She was quite embarrassed.
Seeing the dirty sheets in the wash early (we normally change and wash all our sheets together), K was curious, and when I explained it to him, he said loudly (and in J’s hearing) ‘oh my god, that’s really disgusting’.
J hid in her room for the next few hours, and it was obvious at dinner she’d been crying.
I took some time to speak with each of my children alone. With J, I emphasized that periods were natural and, especially in early puberty, your flow can be pretty inconsistent.
It was mostly just helping her come to the realization that it wasn’t ‘her fault’.
With K, after some uncomfortable conversation, I was given to know that he believed that it was possible to ‘hold in’ periods and therefore that she was really doing it for attention.
I gently but firmly corrected his misapprehensions and explained how bad he made his sister feel for something that was totally out of her control. I felt overall that the message had been delivered and absorbed, because he was quite down for a while, and I suspect (but didn’t verify) that he apologized to her later because they seemed fine after.
When my wife got back (she was away for a few days), she was mad and felt that I should have been much harsher with K so that he would ‘learn the consequences of his actions’, and forced him to apologize immediately.
My wife thinks that he should be punished regardless because his actions directly hurt his sister, who is definitely an innocent party. On the other hand, I don’t think yelling at anyone solves any problems, and I felt it wasn’t fair to blame my son for the deficiencies of the education curriculum, since he acted out of ignorance and not a wilful lack of empathy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for how you handled it, but I think the fact your son was under the impression girls can hold in their periods should be a big red flag to both you and your wife that you need to do some real work with regards to educating all your children about the realities of health.
Your boys need to know how girls’ bodies work. Your girls need the information so they can stand up to boys that don’t know because unfortunately, your son won’t be the last person to react to your daughter’s natural bodily functions this way.” Hexaethylene
Another User Comments:
“Look, from your perspective, I think you‘re not a jerk necessarily, calm education is good and I don’t think punishing now would do anything. But from your daughter’s perspective, I think YTJ. That really was a moment where she needed you to stand up for her.
Instead, you left her in her room alone for hours. Yeah, congrats, you talked to her afterward, but I can’t imagine what she must have thought and felt like during that time. Humiliated, guilty, alone. She‘s a young child going through a painful and stigmatized experience, she needed immediate support.
In my opinion, you should have firmly defended your daughter in front of him and told him off, you don’t need to yell about that. Also, what do you mean you THINK he apologized? You better make sure.” maskedluna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you really should have made sure he apologized. Going on the assumption he did wasn’t good. Like you said, your daughter was an innocent party and part of parenting should have been made to make sure she felt better about the situation as well, not just informing your son.
I wouldn’t agree with how your wife phrased it. Your son didn’t need punishment or consequences, he just needed a lesson that you gave him. Your only fault was not tying up the loose end of the situation by making sure an apology was given.” LurksAroundHere
Another User Comments:
“Very soft YTJ. You didn’t need to be harsh with him, but I think you should have immediately corrected him when he called it disgusting – you could have simply told him it’s not disgusting and it’s a natural part of women’s bodies and hormones and happens to all ladies.
If your daughter was listening she would have been immediately reassured and not crying in her room for hours feeling terrible about herself. You could then have continued to speak to them privately, but I think as a parent it was your responsibility to correct that immediately so your daughter doesn’t feel bad.
Your wife is overreacting, but most women are made to feel disgusting about having periods at some point in their lives and she probably feels terrible that your daughter had to go through that.
I think you could acknowledge that you perhaps could have said something at the moment, but weren’t sure of the right thing to say and didn’t want to make things worse.” deadninbed
