People Want To Be Sure That They're Not At Fault In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Kicking Out A Mom With Two Kids?
“About 7 months ago, a friend of mine (34f) left an awful relationship and indicated that she didn’t know what to do next.
She was living with another ex in the meantime. Since I lived alone and I’m pretty low maintenance, I invited her and her kids to live with me rent-free while she got back on track. According to her, that meant losing ~45lbs and reenlisting in the army. Obviously, this is definitely not an easy goal with two kids and probably depression/PTSD.
However, 45lbs was all that stood between her and her independence and her supporting her kids me getting back to my low maintenance, sleeping on my couch, the bachelorette lifestyle.
This was 7ish months ago. I have urged her to see a therapist (free with the Veterans Affairs), hired a personal trainer for her (she agreed, then blew the trainer off), and got her a membership at a gym with daycare (she does not go.) She recently panicked that she was running out of funds and that she didn’t know what to do… And then just a few days later, was bragging about a ~ $50 purse she’d just bought.
She gets VA disability but not much and she works ‘to get out of the house.’ I finally asked her what was going on with her plans to reenlist and she admitted she wasn’t planning on joining the military for a few years, if at all.
I was floored. I told her the oldest could finish this school year but that they’d need to find their own place by summer.
I also confronted her about the purse specifically because of what she said about her finances. She minimized the purchase and said she just wanted something nice for herself. For reference, she’s also bought furniture (I’ve owned my home for like 9 years, it’s furnished) because she wanted a sitting area in her room and a deep freezer which is currently loudly sitting in my living room.
I don’t actually see her growing up like ever and I don’t just mean joining the military. I mean being an independent adult. I feel guilty for inviting her and her kids to live with me only to turn around and tell her this isn’t going to work. Am I being impatient or insensitive?
I’d love some actual unbiased perspectives, opinions, etc., AITJ for inviting them to live with me in the first place and then saying this isn’t going to work for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve done more than any friend could be expected to do and she has taken advantage of your kindness and your trust. It reflects well on you that you’re concerned about the kids, but this is not your responsibility.
I think giving her a deadline to sort herself out some other place is more than fair, and might even be the kindest thing you could do for her. If she doesn’t step up, that’s her fault, not yours. You sound like the kind of person who will feel bad about this no matter what, but the reality is you’ve gone way above and beyond what duty requires already.
It’s not on you to support this family forever. That’s Mom’s job. Get back to your life, mate.” User
Another User Comments:
“‘I feel guilty for inviting her and her kids to live with me only to turn around and tell her this isn’t going to work. Am I being impatient or insensitive?’
You did not invite anyone to live with you and turn around and say it wouldn’t work. You’ve given her 7 months to pull her life together and either qualify to reenlist or somehow become a self-supporting adult. She was a guest for a month and has been a leech for six, taking advantage of your sympathy for her kids to take advantage of your generosity.
You’ve housed and fed them all at your expense, told her about VA help that every veteran is entitled to, paid for her trainer and gym membership, and watched her go broke buying unnecessary luxuries. She bought a freezer to keep in your house — what further evidence do you need that she plans to stay there for a long, long time?
Does she have any family that she could go to and mooch off for a while? Consult an attorney or your community’s housing or rental resources because she might have tenant status by now and need to be formally evicted. Then give her a deadline with a written contract, and stick to it. Parasites don’t just go away on their own.
NTJ. but stop being a patsy.” Rural_Bedbug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are never obligated to share your living space if you don’t want to. Doesn’t matter the reason. It sounds like you have been supportive in helping her with resources, which is what I would say is the job of a good friend.
It doesn’t have to go beyond that. The fact that you basically support her financially is well beyond kind. Give her as much WRITTEN notice as you feel you can, and if you want to go above and beyond, some leads for low-income housing. You’ve done what you can.” Educational_Fan3346
18. AITJ For Not Joking With My Husband's Family?
“My(24f) husband (25m) and I have been together since we were 16, and throughout this time I’ve always known his side of the family to be rather ‘brutal’ with each other.
They like to call it tough love, but I’ve always been uncomfortable with it, and my husband doesn’t appreciate it most of the time either.
It basically goes like this where the older family members (Parents, Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles) will ‘rag’ on the kids. Regular boomer stuff I guess, but they always manage to make it personal. My husband has always asked me to try and put up with it since they never go after me, and usually only go after him, his siblings, and cousins, and so far I’ve always managed to hold my tongue.
We only see them 2-3 times out of the year so I just have to remind myself it’s temporary.
This year (a past year now) however, I couldn’t go bear to along with it like I normally do. My husband has been studying to go to law school. He was meant to apply to go this past fall, but he only scored a 158 on his LSAT in January (this is not a score to be ashamed of, but it wasn’t where he wanted to be.) We made the very hard decision to wait another year so he could continue to study and take it again.
He had only planned to take a year off between graduating with his BA, and I also had a fantastic job opportunity lined up but I turned it down so he could take the test again. This is what I wanted to do for him, and I wasn’t pressured at all.
He worked his but off and in late October of this year, he took the test again.
In November he got his score back and he scored 177. For those of you who aren’t familiar with how the scoring works(I wasn’t either until he started studying) it is a great score, better than great, it was like a win-the-lottery score. I cried openly at work when he told me I was so happy.
So, it was a huge accomplishment for him, and when we went to Christmas this yet I figured his family might try to say something about it, but I hoped they wouldn’t. They did, of course. As soon as we arrived they congratulated him, but then started to talk about him taking another year and it being his second try and I could visibly see it made my husband upset, but I could also tell he was trying to brush it off.
Again, it’s all in ‘good fun.’
I didn’t say anything, because I knew my husband wouldn’t have wanted me to, but when one of his uncles turned to me and tried to make a joke about him being a ‘two-timer’ and made some naughty innuendo about how he had to try again in the bedroom (hard to explain, but either way it was disgusting).
I didn’t say anything to him, and instead just gave him and the others a completely blank stare. One of the other uncles tried to joke around with me again, and I again gave him a blank stare. It really dampened their mood, and for the rest of the time, they didn’t joke about my husband’s score for the rest of the time.
After we left my husband wasn’t upset with me, but his family was. They said I was being a ‘Debbie Downer’ (a naysayer) and ‘overly sensitive’ and ruined the mood.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Every family has its own dynamic but as someone who used to enjoy being mean for fun and then realized it wasn’t actually how I wanted my relationships to operate – it sucks.
It sucks much worse when it’s made to be personal like that. And you didn’t even lash out, you just weren’t receptive to their ‘jokes’.
The thing about jerks using the ‘just joking’ is that they never, ever ever want to feel guilty about the fact that their ‘jokes’ are centered on cruelty. It’s always someone else’s fault that they don’t know how to have fun without being mean.” Aestro17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at first I thought this was like the good-natured ribbing we do here in the south. This isn’t, it seems very toxic. I know me and my family rib each other but when we have good news we don’t try and put each other down, we just celebrate it. It seems like you weren’t being the Debbie downer, it seems like the Debbies were the relatives trying to ‘joke’ about other stuff to take the focus off of your dude and his good news.
Good luck with those in-laws.” iamblamb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing.
A lot of people don’t get this but bullying is not humor.
I’ve experienced what you described in my family and it’s so dysfunctional. When people only communicate in passive-aggressive ways, it’s a big red flag and it can really mess up your sense of self-worth when you grow up in an environment like that.
I think it’s great you didn’t comply despite the group pressure and shame that was thrown your way.
It’s not normal or healthy to starve each other of validation and appreciation in a family. My guess is, this is the only way they feel comfortable bonding because they’re too scared to actually show any vulnerability to each other.
And they’re passing on the emotional issues through the generations, making sure the tradition never dies because no one’s emotional maturity ever gets enough nurturing to develop into ‘hey, I love you and I’m secure enough to tell you I’m proud of you’.” King_Julien__
But oh, your husband's toxic family - yikes!
I love that you shut them down so effectively. Keep up the good work, and maybe your husband will start giving back as good as he gets with those jerks and shock the wacky out of them.
Bullies should be confronted and shot down the first time they pull their crap. It's the only thing that stops them.
My mom's family is like your husband's; gratuitously mean under the guise of "joking" and gods help you if you react, because that makes you "too sensitive " and "you better get used to it if you want to make it in this life". I finally got sick of it, and told them off when I grew up; asked them to please explain to me why I needed to get used to people being mean to me.
I never got bullied again.
17. AITJ For Yelling At The Vet Staff For Laughing At My Dog?
“I am from Dallas Fort Worth and I’m currently in El Paso for work. This morning I noticed my 6-month-old female puppy began showing signs of a UTI.
As a former vet tech, I know veterinary medicine pretty well. We came in expecting a urine sample to be taken to confirm the UTI and to be given some antibiotics. Instead, the vet decided that my 6-month-old puppy was ‘too young’ for a urinalysis and was going to treat her purely based on her symptoms. She was taken to the back to be seen by the Dr. rather than the Dr. coming into the exam room to evaluate and treat her.
This made me uncomfortable as a pet parent.
My usual vet back home has always allowed me to be present and in the room during exams. She was given some antibiotics and some Carprofen for pain. They also gave her a penicillin shot in between the shoulder blades. Penicillin does normally sting a little bit when it is first injected however, my dog was in a lot of pain all the way out to the car.
The crying went on for well over 5 minutes. She was in so much pain she proceeded to try and bite my significant other as he slowly removed her harness once she was back in my vehicle. This behavior is absolutely not like her at all.
When I walked back into the clinic concerned as this is NOT a normal reaction to a penicillin shot, the staff laughed at the fact that my dog could be heard crying out and whining from my vehicle.
That’s when I lost it and began yelling. I said something along the lines of ‘This isn’t funny. My dog is in a lot of pain. What did you do, what injection was she given and where?’ The staff was pretty taken aback by my reaction, which made me feel like a jerk. However, at the same time to laugh at an animal that is so clearly in pain is absolutely disgusting to me and really struck a nerve.
Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled, in hindsight, I feel like I may have been the jerk. On the other hand, my animals are my children and I was appalled by the staff’s behavior. There ya have it, folks, I need to know. Am I the jerk?
EDIT #1: For context, I know for certain they were laughing at my dog.
They specifically asked me ‘is that your dog crying?’ While laughing and saying things like ‘what a baby’ and ‘that’s ridiculous, she’s so loud’.
EDIT #2: The vet clinic this occurred at was Eastwood Animal Clinic in El Paso, TX.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m a vet assistant and, okay, yeah we laugh all the time at dramatic animals.
There are some that are just over-the-top dramatic. Acting like we’re sawing a leg off when we’re trying to trim toenails, or acting like they’ve been shot when we give them a shot. We laugh mostly because if we don’t we might scream too. We get a steady stream of badly behaved animals all day and it is frustrating when a simple nail trim takes four people and 20 min even though the thing is gabatrazed.
But we do not do this in front of the owner, ever. And we know the difference between drama and real distress. It’s not uncommon for puppies to have big dramatic reactions to shots because they are young and haven’t experienced much pain. When they are really little that is probably the most pain they have ever experienced!
Usually, they go ‘I’M IN PAIN!’ and then are fine three seconds later.
What they did was very unprofessional and their reaction to your puppy continuing to carry on after the initial poke should have been a concern.
What is really weird is that they refused to send out the urinalysis. At my practice, we’ll send them out no matter the age.
Even when we’re sure of a UTI, we’ll still send it out if the owner wants to because our lab will culture the bacteria and let us know the most effective antibiotic.
I’d switch vets, personally.” a_toxic_rose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If I had an animal that was in that much pain, and the veterinary personnel laughed about it, I’d probably report them to the board that issued their licenses.
But, that’s just me.
Animals are helpless and depend on us when they’re injured or sick. These people are supposed to care about animals and do their best to care for them. Evidently, they don’t. I’d make sure to never take my pet back there and would also caution others about their behavior. You know your dog and this was not normal for her.
Instead of being completely incompetent jerks, they should have checked the dog over to see what was going on.” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your poor pup. I hope she’s okay.
They let an animal out of their facility while it screamed in pain? This is absolutely horrendous and you should seek whatever avenue you have, whether it be reviewing them online or finding some way to get this on record.
Your SO could have been seriously injured and your pup was mistreated and will likely be terrified of the vet in the future because of this.” yikesyikes777
16. AITJ For Thinking My Partner Is Gaslighting Me?
“About a year ago (right before Halloween 2020) I (37M) broke up with my then-partner ‘Jake’ (42M) after eight months. We had met online and he said in his profile he was non-monogamous.
During our first chat, I asked him what non-monogamy meant to him. I told him I’m all for an open relationship but I draw the line at polyamory because I personally find it exhausting. Jake said he was in full agreement and that his last poly relationship had been a disaster. His answer satisfied me and I agreed to go out with him.
Eight months later, we had been happy together, or so I thought, even discussing our long-term plans and if we were ready to start living together. One day while hanging out at his place, Jake said he wanted to give polyamory (having multiple romantic relationships at the same time) a try. I reiterated my stance: friends with benefits are okay but not multiple romantic partners.
He said he wants to romantically pursue others. I told him that wasn’t what I signed up for, and he got angry and said he had made his stance clear from the start. I said no he didn’t and reminded him we talked about this. He said he had always been clear, so I went and got my laptop.
I had saved our first chat for sentimental reasons (we chatted for hours that night and basically fell in love on the spot), never thinking it would become Exhibit A in an argument. I showed him how I had made my boundaries clear from the start, and he said he agreed with me. Then I told him that frankly, I didn’t appreciate being gaslighted. He was mad that I used that word with him and accused me of ‘archiving’ our chats as dirt to dig up against him; the argument got heated and he ultimately broke up with me and threw me out of his house.
I had to call an Uber home from a nearby CVS.
We haven’t spoken since (he immediately blocked me on social media and my number), and I’m mixed about how I feel. On one hand, it was traumatizing to go from being partners to suddenly becoming exes that hated each other, but on the other hand, in retrospect, our values and goals differed in more ways than we anticipated and the polyamory issue was most likely just the straw that broke his back.
I keep replaying the event in my head wondering what I could have said or done differently and how we could have at least parted as friends. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Breakups are almost always ugly. I get there are rare cases where people have a lovely little dinner out with a tasting menu and elegant wine pairings, mutually agree in dulcet tones that their little moment in the sun has passed, share a polite, yet regretful laugh, and a farewell champagne toast before a double cheek kiss goodbye, and move on fondly to separate lives…
I don’t know and have never known those people. I am certainly not one of them.
Don’t worry so much about how it ended. Honestly, staying friends with him might just erode your barriers into a poly relationship you’ve said from the beginning you didn’t want.
NTJ.” NoreastNorwest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
We can always look back on things and question if we could’ve handled them differently and how we might’ve handled them differently buuuut…..
In this case, he did attempt to gaslight you so you’re justified, as far as I’m concerned, in being angry about it.
You made your boundaries clear.
He was fine with it until he wasn’t.
And it’s perfectly ok for him to change his mind. If he wants to give polyamory another go, that’s perfectly fine for him.
But you made it clear it wasn’t fine for you.
Where he was gaslighting you was when he tried to convince you that he was clear that he still wanted polyamory.
You had proof otherwise and he got upset because his gaslighting failed. Maybe he didn’t intend to do it but that’s what he did. He tried to convince you that he was always wanting a polyamorous relationship because, if I had to guess, he was hoping that it might guilt you or convince you to give it a go yourself.
He wanted to have his cake and to eat it too, to use the parlance of our times.” xEllimistx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this one instance as described isn’t gaslighting
Gaslighting is a specific form of emotional mistreatment that involves convincing another person that their perception of the world is flawed.
It’s entirely possible that he just misremembered your first conversation.
That’s on him, and it’s not your fault for his mistake. But that alone isn’t gaslighting.
It’s also entirely possible that there’s more going on than can fit in a Reddit post and it is gaslighting. But gaslighting is part of a broader pattern of behavior, and one instance alone does not gaslighting make.” kinncore
15. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Not Spending More Time With Me During Vacation?
“I (28 M) and my partner (27 F) decided to get away from all of the New York crisis craziness by going to Florida for new years.
We have been together now for about 3 years and living together for 1.5 of those.
The vacation started off great, spending a lot of time together on the beach. However, during these last few days, she has been requesting that she spend some ‘alone time’ (without me). Going to the beach by herself, having lunch by herself, and even going to the pool by herself to read.
During the first day, I understood as we already spent 10 days together, however it’s been 3 days now and each one she’s texted me on her morning runs that it’s a solo day.
I texted her in the morning with no response and waited in our hotel room around 5 PM when I knew she’d need to come back to shower before dinner.
I confronted her when she did return and she completely dismissed my argument as irrational, I pressed the matter further and she just started crying when I brought up the fact that I paid for the entire trip.
Fast forward 5 hours – she flew home early and I am just here are the hotel wondering AITJ.”
Another User Comments:
“You paying for the trip doesn’t mean she’s your entertainment puppet. However…
What exactly is going on here? Is she an introvert – who needs downtime from people? What happens when you’re hanging out together all day? Can she read? Does she have to talk to you constantly or participate in activities she’s not into?
Did you have some issues before you left for vacation? Was she angry with you?
I don’t know, man, something’s going on here that you’re not picking up on or decided not to include in your story.
NTJ for complaining about it. A little YTJ for insinuating that you paid for her to do what you want.” TheVue221
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm YTJ. I would also feel a type of way after multiple days of not getting to hang with my SO on a vacation, but that doesn’t mean they’re necessarily doing anything wrong. But also are you not seeing her at allll or is it just that she’s been taking a few hours to herself?
Like a few hours a day to read by the pool alone, especially after 10 days straight together really shouldn’t get to you that much. Also, it sounds like a long vacation which makes sense why she wants to take some days to herself.
Regardless though, I think YTJ just because you could’ve/should’ve brought this up in a more constructive way and expressed your feelings vs.
jumping straight to ‘going off’ on her and dangling the fact that you paid for the vacation over her head. People have different needs and some people need more alone time than others even with their SOs and there was probably a compromise/understanding you could have come to had you not channeled your feelings into anger.” mountainmonk72
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but only for bringing up the fact that you paid for the trip. Outside of that… no—some alone time is reasonable but not to that extent. However, this is all just a side effect of something else going on and a lack of communication being the root cause of what ended up happening (her leaving).
You should have asked her what was wrong but from a caring POV – like instead of throwing in her face that you paid for the trip, you should have just expressed that you want to spend time with her and ask how you can help resolve whatever is going on with her.
I can tell you that I once took a couples trip and then wanted to be alone… similar to this situation.
It was my intention to spend time with my SO but then I felt like he was paying more attention to other girls… so instead, I spent time alone. Not saying this is the case with you… just often times women don’t straight up say what’s wrong/what’s on their mind… they want you to care enough to ask.
That’s a problem with women though – often times we think the man is a mind-reader and they definitely aren’t… the man will ask what’s wrong? And they say ‘nothing.’ Etc… communication goes both ways..” Tiger3113
14. AITJ For Not Logging Into My Netflix Account In Stepson's Phone?
“My stepson is 13 years old and for whatever reason has been increasingly hostile to me and his dad since he started living with his mom again.
We have always had a great relationship before then despite his mom’s attempt at telling her kids (he has a 7-year-old brother) to stay away from me, don’t let me help with homework, that she hates me, etc. for the first couple of years.
I have known him for 4 years. I have frequently rewarded the kids for good behavior and good grades especially when they lived with us – small toys, anime stuff, a new pair of jordans, a new laptop, nice vacations, etc so maybe this is my fault for setting up some precedent. I let my stepson also use some of my streaming accounts while at his mom’s.
However, as I said the 4-5 months have been getting worse and worse. He won’t shower or brush his teeth or do the usual chores he has always done for his allowance. He bullies his brother. Curses at his dad and calls him names. He flips out any time his dad punishes him by taking devices away stating his mom never does it and we ‘aren’t teaching him anything just making him hate us more’.
Told us he wants to go back to his mom’s as soon as possible because she will give him his phone back (she pays for it). He cussed his dad out several times, one time when he wouldn’t buy him vbucks (in-game currency in Fortnite). And once because his dad made noise close to midnight on NYE and his stepson was on the phone with his SO?
So my stepson tried sucking up to us for a few hours, then asked me to put Netflix on his phone. I told him to ask his dad, as his dad had expressed to me earlier he did not want me to reward him for bad behavior. My SO told his son about how he isn’t happy with the cussing and disrespect, and that being nice for a few hours right before he wants something just makes it feel weird.
That he needs to be more respectful in general. We then told him to please take his shower and brush his teeth and I would think about it.
He completely flipped out – screamed at me and his dad saying we ‘always want him to do something before we will give him things’ and ‘that’s not how it works’.
Then told us he will not shower or brush his teeth. I tried explaining to him that if he had a friend who was frequently rude or disrespectful to him would he want to be sharing his accounts with him? But now I feel like I wronged him somehow or maybe we need to be more like his mom and not expect him to ‘do things’ for something basic like Netflix.
Did I mess up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like mum is the jerk here for not disciplining her kid and encouraging bad behavior. I am glad that you and his dad are attempting to teach him good behavior and morals. It might do him well someday.
The kid is behaving like a nasty horrible brat, and you are right not to reward him with nice things.
Showering and brushing his teeth are basic things humans have to do to be acceptable in society, and bad hygiene, especially dental hygiene is bad for his health. I am slightly concerned by his behavior but you absolutely shouldn’t reward it.
The only thing that I think you are doing wrong is wavering in your resolve and sending the kid to his dad for things like permission to have Netflix when you already knew what his dad would say.
This makes his dad look like the bad guy, and is probably why the kid is attempting the ‘divide and conquer’ approach. You should have had your partner’s back and said no straight away, even by saying ‘I will check if your father feels strongly about this but I am inclined to say no because you haven’t behaved very respectfully lately and you haven’t even showered today.
Perhaps we can discuss this in a week or two’s time if your behavior shows consistent improvement and your father also agrees.’ That way if your partner felt you were being too harsh then you could have put Netflix on the phone after a discussion, or in a few days’ time.” kerri_may
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You horrible responsible parent, how DARE you not let a 13-year-old call all the shots?
So something has happened that triggered this, maybe it’s just hormones. Maybe he and his partner are actively sleeping together, and he thinks he’s more of a man than barely a teen. That wouldn’t explain the bullying though.
Is it possible for hubs to have a rational sit-down with his ex, on a ‘there’s no right or wrong here’ basis in terms of parenting, and acknowledge that the two of them will always be competing with each other at least a little bit?” jdogx17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One-time good behavior should be rewarded with one-time rewards.
Long-term good behavior should be rewarded with long-term rewards, like the Netflix account.
A few hours of good behavior is probably not enough for something like the Netflix app. Especially since, based on what you’ve said, he most likely would have gone back to his previous behavior as soon as he got what he wanted.
He is 13 years old. Which, although it is a volatile time for kids, it is a time where he should know right from wrong, and he should know manners.” bamf1701
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Part Of My Roommate's Family?
“I (20F) have been living with my roommate (22F) for a year. We’ve known each other for 3 years and I’ve come to a few of her family gatherings since her little brother absolutely adores me.
Through this, I’ve gotten to know her family a bit. I always just thought they were overly friendly with me but didn’t really think much about it until recently.
Since moving in with my roommate her mom has taken on the role of my mother and will constantly criticize me for any and every choice I make.
How I dress, how I eat, the way I talk and dress. All that stuff. Which every time I’ve let her know that she is not my mother and I can do what I want with my life. The worst one was when I accepted a manager position I’d been working very hard towards and my roommate’s mom told me I was ‘making her daughter look bad’ because she can’t keep a job for more than a year.
I decided in November that for once was going to stay with my family and spend it with them. After I got off the plane in my hometown on Christmas eve. I got an angry phone call from my roommate about how her family was expecting me to be there. When I told them back in November that I’d be out of town.
She then told me that her family adopted me as their own, calling me their daughter and all that, when I didn’t have much and that I OWED it to them to be there. We got into a huge argument about it. And I told her. ‘I’ve told you and your mom that it makes me uncomfortable.
Your family didn’t adopt me as their own. I’ve only ever been criticized and belittled by them. It’s weird to me that they think they deserve thanks for that.’ The argument continued and once I got in my Uber I just hung up and turned off my phone until I came home after the holiday.
When I got home my roommate continued to argue about how I have taken advantage of her and her family. I told her ‘I never wanted a new family and that they just imminently played the parent role and never listened to how it made me feel. I’m not part of your family. Yeah, my family life isn’t the best, but I’m not gonna have a family relationship forced on me.’ My roommate has acted like nothing happened since then and I have gotten many texts from her family expressing their disappointment in me for acting this way and ruining their holiday season.
I know I may have not acted or responded the right way. But my feelings are still hurt and I’m still very upset about this all. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family is not just the ones you were born into, but the ones you choose. If you didn’t choose them, there’s no problem here.
The way they feel is all on them. It’s weird and a red flag that they expect you to choose them over your actual family.” Mama_Maglioni
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe it’s time for you to move to another place. If they made you feel uncomfortable, and now they’re trying to make you feel culprit, never accepting their behavior, it’s time to get out of that place/people.” CatLadyLilo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They applied waaaay too much pressure and ignored your needs/discomfort. Now they want to scold you for setting boundaries? Sounds like textbook gaslighting.
Run fast and run far.” Jas_Dragon
12. AITJ For Making My New Coworker Cry?
“I (19F) have worked in a factory for almost a year. It’s simple work, but it’s 10-hour days 5 days/week on your feet doing fast-paced physical labor, and takes a while to get used to.
My coworker ‘Maya’ (29F) joined our crew ~3 weeks ago. It’s worth noting that English isn’t her first language, but she’s conversational, and others on our crew do speak her first language.
She was in training for the first 2 weeks, per standard. Usually, this is long enough to make someone competent in all necessary stations on the production line, but Maya still struggles. This is a problem since every station needs to work seamlessly together or risk damaging the machines by putting products in wrong. The line also can’t be stopped to fix mistakes.
When someone makes a mistake the rest of the crew can usually pick up their slack and fix it, but this is very stressful for everyone, especially if mistakes are frequent.
On the day in question, Maya and I were together at a 2-person station. Boxes would slide off a chute in front of us, and it was our job to alternate catching them, fit the proper number tightly into crates in the correct arrangement, then send the crates on the next conveyor belt.
This is a fast station- ~2 boxes/second. Maya kept fumbling her catches, forcing me to break the rhythm and do the work of 2 people until she managed another catch. I was very focused on moving fast and keeping the line running, and apparently, I was placing the boxes with more force than necessary. I didn’t say anything or even look at her funny, but I got scolded for ‘scaring Maya’.
Later, we were making a different product. Maya was toting – she was supposed to put lids on totes of product, stack them on a pallet, and call for a runner to take the full pallet and give her a new one. I was running and noticed totes piling up at her station. Her pallet was full, and she hadn’t said a word.
That’s something I’d gotten chewed out pretty bad for when I was new, so, trying to sound cheerful and lighthearted, I told her ‘Hey Maya, you gotta holler ‘PALLET’ when your pallet is full so we can get you a new one!’. She responded ‘I don’t speak English!’ then burst into tears and ran off her station in the middle of production to go find a supervisor.
I genuinely didn’t know she was crying until later when I got laid into by our supervisor and 4 other coworkers
I honestly didn’t mean to upset her, but it’s worth noting that I was dealing with a very painful loss that occurred a few hours before my shift. I may not have been regulating my emotions as well as I thought I was.
That’s an explanation, not an excuse.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not Maya’s fault she’s new and that English isn’t her first language. Your yelling and her not knowing what you are yelling probably doesn’t make someone already feeling self-conscious feel safe.
At the same time, you aren’t a jerk for trying to help.
When my roomie started working a fast-paced physical job she talked about quitting every day for three weeks until her body finally got used to it and then she loved it!
Maya is new and Maya is unable to understand you. The best thing would be to ask a coworker who does speak her language to relay any tips.” Exact_Roll_4048
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like this is a really fast-paced environment and Maya isn’t used to it or isn’t the kind of person who can work in those conditions. Either way, you aren’t the jerk for getting annoyed, as her not being able to keep up in one of those situations meant you were having to work extra to pick up the slack and it could have affected you if mistakes were constantly being made and you were there.
Your having to work hard and making extra noise doesn’t make you the jerk at all, and if that gets Maya scared, she needs to mature a bit.
In the second situation, you tried to help her by explaining an easy mistake. Idk if it came out with the wrong tone or if she was just very stressed at the situation and got over-emotional. If your tone ended up coming sarcastic or admonishing, you could be the jerk for that, especially since that specific case wasn’t going to end up with you admonished but her.
But it really sounds like Maya isn’t used to the pace and is really stressed about the whole situation. Not your fault.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I gather that in both instances you were trying to help but perhaps it’s time to leave her be, for better or worse, and let her actual supervisor supervise her.
Get placed next to her on the line? Ask to be moved.
Notice a full pallet at her station? Let her supervisor correct her.
If her/your supervisor is already getting involved, you’re better off taking a hands-off approach from now on. And, asking to be moved, for example, might be better received if a Sup is already involved.” OKflyboy
If she's going to get upset every time someone tries to help her, she's in the wrong job. Let her sink or swim on her own; no more help from you. And I would talk to my supervisor about the situation, if I were you. I'm sure you're not the only one who's noticed.
11. AITJ For Wanting To Keep My Image?
“I (14 NB/M) like screamo music and take inspo from 2000’s emo and scene for how I dress.
My family isn’t fond of it.
The hair in the face, the baggy clothing, the painted nails, the band shirt designs, the diagonal belts, and the dark raccoon-eyed makeup. They don’t get it.
The other day when I was going to school I had my normal look minus the clothes due to having a school uniform minus that I kept the hair, makeup, and nails how I like.
I had just finished getting ready and waiting for my dad to finish his coffee when my mum came over asking me to take the hair out of my eyes for a moment to show her my makeup. ‘It’s too extreme! It’s too dark!’ she screeched, I drop my hair back into place and speak up ‘what is?’
‘Your makeup!’
I was taken aback, she had complimented it and even said it was subtle yesterday. had done the exact same look too. She gasps again, ‘Take that hair out of your eyes! it’s too extreme! You’re our pretty little girl! We want to see your face!’
I told her I wouldn’t take my hair out of my face and even raised my voice a tiny bit.
‘You’re being too extreme!’ my mum continued, I stood up and stomped away. I denied to change how I looked, it made me happy. ‘This phase will end,’ she yelled.
My mum was crying inside the house.
I know she misses the child I was.
AITJ for not changing even though it was school and my mum was miserable?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kid all I gotta say is, if you enjoy what you do and how you present yourself keep doing it. If I’m a few years you regret dressing the way you do, then guess what? You’ve changed your opinion and have grown. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, if still like it in a few years then good for you you’ve found your style!!
Don’t let anyone tell you how to dress or what to do with your face, if you like it then screw what they think. Your parents are gonna hate it trust me I know, but if they can’t accept you for who you want to be then it’s their loss. You are discovering things about yourself that will define your future, your hobbies, fashion, makeup, friends, and interests.
It’s all about you from now on and how you want to be as a person.” BipolarLollipopxo
Another User Comments:
“As a parent, I do think YTJ by wearing that to school. Outside of school, I think that you can be who you want, at school follow the code which usually excludes extreme make-up and hairstyles.
Learning is better when hair is up out of a person’s face.
So while I wouldn’t have blown up like you say your mother did, I’d be disappointed if my kids fought about going to school outside of the uniform policy. But having said that, you’re not my child and I don’t know what school you go to or what the uniform policy is.
My child (at school) goes to an expensive private school with a very strict dress code.
On the other hand, outside of school your mother needs to accept your expressions of individuality as long as they are not extreme (ie, I draw the line at being able to see a**e cheeks or n*****s when my kid dresses up to go out – as my kid has been the subject of unwanted naughty remarks from older men already)” Addryanne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 14, you’re allowed to go through periods where you express yourself differently. She’s not entirely wrong with the ‘it’s just a phase’ comment, but the irony is that’s exactly why she shouldn’t get too freaked out about it. That’s all a part of growing up: getting into a band or genre of music, being crazy about them, and dressing like them.
In a few years maybe you’ll fall in love with some other genre (could be related, or just go in a totally different direction), or you’ll still be listening to the same things; there’s nothing wrong with either path, just so long as it’s yours. Self-expression is a good, healthy thing, especially at your age.
Still, be understanding that parents have their own periods of growth to go through, as well, and your mom is just going through a phase of ‘yesterday Ryder was five, tomorrow they’ll be 25!'” SukkahSushi
10. WIBTJ If I Move In With My Partner Who Pays For Everything?
“I (25F) met my partner (26m) at university 6 years ago and we started going out. It is located in a nearby city from where we both lived with our families, but far enough that the daily trip was 4h+, so we both lived in town with friends at different places. I ended up changing courses/university and he stayed and finished his.
He supported my decision completely, even if I was trading to an area that is not valued at all in Brazil (I was studying neuroscience/biology and now visual arts, quite a change I know). I went back home and he stayed. After college, he went back home too.
We’ve been living together since October 2020 (at his parent’s house) and alone since July 2021.
I am currently unemployed. He is currently working and studying for his master’s and I am just studying and taking care of our house/dog. Nowadays I make enough income monthly only to pay our bills and my personal expenses with freelance work. He pays the rent (3x what I spend with bills on average), and dog expenses and he receives a very good groceries ticket.
This was previously accorded, he even wanted to pay everything, he receives a good salary and it is not a financial problem for him being the provider, just the psychological aspect that is bothering me.
He is studying for his master’s at the college where we met and we have discussed in these past months that we could move to that city to be near his college and the friends we still maintain from that time.
But nothing concrete. We’re currently living in a nice house, near both of our families, but kind of small and we’re having some problems with space, neighbors, and our dog. We’ve also already discussed moving out and even looked at houses to rent in the city we currently live in and the college city. To move out from here there is a fine (3 rents) and our contract ends on December 2023.
We’ve spent new year’s with our friends from that city (separate places) and mine asked why won’t we move now that my college is over and he is studying there again. I explained this and a part of the group said that it would be jerkish to bring up the subject again because the expenses would be in his pocket and some said that it would be okay.
I’m very sensitive about the financial subject because I barely make enough to handle my own expenses but he supports me and doesn’t put any pressure on me to get a job right now. He is very supportive in many ways and I kind of know that if I bring up the subject again he will be tempted because he knows that it would make me happy.
So I am thinking a lot about this and I ask, WIBTJ to move to another city at his expense?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If your partner is happy to pay the expenses and you have mutually agreed after discussion that this is how things will work for the time being, I don’t see an issue.
Some people make more income than others, that is just life, and it is not the most important thing so long as everyone is happy. If your partner doesn’t want to move that’s a different question, but you shouldn’t be afraid to bring it up with him.” gojir4a
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ BUT… stop talking to your friends about this. This is a conversation you need to have with your partner. Not in a pressuring way, but in a way that both expresses your wishes AND assures him you don’t want him to have to absorb the financial burden if you move now instead of riding out the lease.
And then you need to let it go for a while. Let him make that decision and accept it. You can revisit it once you’ve got a job and are bringing in enough income to share that burden.
I really do get what it’s like to dislike where you’re living but have to stick it out a while longer.
I’m in a similar position now, but in our case, the best course of action is to sit tight for another year or two while we get our finances in order. I don’t LIKE it, and neither does my husband, but he is under so much stress from work and being the main source of income (I’m on disability), that the last thing I want is to increase that burden on him.” Ok_Cry_1741
Another User Comments:
“I think we cannot give an opinion on this, just talk to him about it! You can always ask, always talk about it, you wouldn’t be a jerk to do that.” mademoiselletal
9. AITJ For Talking About My Weight Loss?
“I (26M) recently lost some weight. I was never exactly OVERweight, I’ll admit that. My BMI was on the high side of normal (23.4) but a few months back I decided that I’d rather be right in the middle.
I realize that BMI isn’t a perfect measuring tool and that I didn’t NEED to lose weight. But I WANTED to. I didn’t like the idea of being even a little chubby so I decided to set a 15-pound weight loss goal this past august.
And I DID IT. I have never worked out or dieted in my life.
I honestly did not expect to lose anything at all because I have no clue what I’m doing, but jogging and cutting back on booze did the trick for me. I weighed myself just before New Year and I had HIT my goal weight and I know it wasn’t much but I was proud.
So I called someone I thought was a good friend (26F, we’ll call her P) about this, and uh, the conversation did not go well.
P is overweight, possibly obese, but we’ve been friends for so long that I honestly don’t even think about it. I honestly just wanted to share my joy but right away I knew this was a mistake. The conversation went something like this:
Her: ‘Why are you telling me this?’
Me: ‘uh I don’t know.
Because I accomplished something I set out to do and I’m proud.’
Her: ‘great. You moved your body a bunch and ate like a rabbit, who cares?’
She then hung up so I texted her a question mark (because I was honestly just confused) and she responded with a text that was like ‘miss me with your fatphobic nonsense please’.
I was even more confused because I don’t even think I have even MENTIONED fatness once in our entire friendship. I literally just had a fitness goal and reached it and was happy. I told her as such and P responded: ‘The fact that your skinny a*s even thought that you had to lose weight is the definition of fatphobia.
The fact that you think it’s acceptable to come to me, a fat person, with this nonsense and low-key shame me, is just gross. There is nothing wrong with my body and there was nothing wrong with your body, except for the brain part. Now leave me alone.’
I responded with an apology and that I meant no offense but she’s ignoring me now.
I asked some friends about it and they were mostly on my side but a few people I trust said that I was a jerk for bringing up weight loss to an overweight person.
I honestly did not mean to offend her and really have no problem with fat people! I mean I was aware that P is overweight, but I never really thought about that-she’s just P, you know?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was being sensitive – this isn’t a specific you-problem.
However it can be grating when someone far skinnier than you decides BMI in the normal range is a ‘little chubby’ and weight should be lost (I’m a UK14, have been a 16, and I’ve had UK10 decide they are overweight, and get upset to me) It can indirectly feel like a dig I.e ‘if they think they’re fat they must think I’m huge.’
I really don’t think you did anything wrong here – I only say this as something to bear in mind in similar circumstances in the future – particularly if you know the person you are speaking with is sensitive about their weight.” Betweentheminds
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is being overly sensitive because she has her own body image issues and she decided to say you’re fat-phobic instead of accepting that she’s jealous, or insecure, or just being happy for her friend.
This is something I’ve noticed a lot in the body acceptance movement.
If you decide you want to change yourself or lose weight or become healthier, that’s obviously an attack on every person that isn’t doing that. As an overweight woman, I’m getting really sick of people telling me that I don’t have to work out because I’m perfect the way I am.
No, my body doesn’t work correctly because of my weight. Or, I’m told I can’t love myself and the way I look because I’m overweight. No, I have healthy self-esteem, I just want to be healthy and take care of my body. Just treat people with respect and celebrate their successes, whatever they are.
Congratulations on your accomplishment, OP!
I hope you find some friends to celebrate with.” RetroBibliotecaria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend had no right to blow up at you like that. Regardless of her own issues, that is not the way to talk to a friend. If you honestly can’t think of anything you said that would have given her cause to be upset, and her only issue is you talking about your own body in a positive way then it sounds like she’s not much of a friend.” gojir4a
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Give Up A Day Off?
“I work in a home for mentally/physically disabled adults. They are not able to speak or move on their own.
I am 27, diabetic, have a bad back from an accident, and have my own battles going on with my physical and mental health. My job is very hard on me and I have had very unhealthy habits when it comes to work. Going in even when sick, allowing myself to be taken advantage of to avoid guilt and feeling lazy, ECT.
I used to be very enthusiastic about my job until a few months ago. I got a very contagious and painful stomach flu that left me dehydrated, unable to keep anything down, and just generally miserable. When I called in I was harassed for hours and even told things like:
‘So you could get a ride to the hospital but not work?’
‘Just so you know, you’re screwing everything up for everyone here.’
I was pushed to the point of a severe panic attack where I tried getting to my car to drive to work and I ended up injured because I couldn’t see straight or keep my balance and fell. My partner was not happy and gave me a very long lecture about my letting my jobs bully me.
I took it to heart and have since made an effort to stop this. I’ve done an alright job but since then I’ve realized my job asks a lot of me.
Driving on my days off because my home coordinator refuses to drive. Giving up days off because people want a vacation. I’ve missed appointments because I’ll come in for ‘just an hour until she gets here’ and I get stuck there for hours with no reply.
I even had to make up hours I’d taken for bereavement when my father passed away, I only took three days and I was still asked every day when I was coming back. Most recently, I was told to work even though I had the possibility of getting sick.
On top of this, my home coordinator tends to leave me half or more of her tasks for the day to do during my shift. I’ve begun dreading my job and I’m bitter about being the only one who cleans, finishes my tasks, and keeps up with my job.
I’m looking for a new one but haven’t found one that pays enough yet. (Not that my job pays well, I just work so many hours it does alright)
My home coordinator took her position knowing we were the only two employees at this house and that she would be getting very few days off.
I was offered the same position and refused because of that. (It’s this that has made me say nothing about picking up parts of her job. I understand she’s tired.) I have my limits. I work 4 days with 12-hour shifts and have three days off.
Now, I’m being asked to give up one of my days off so she can have a break.
I’ve offered to work a double on Friday instead because I have things to do. I always do, I use my days off to care for myself and my home and do things that need done.
She doesn’t seem to accept that, I already know how they all react to me saying no and I just want to know if I’d be a jerk to say nope, can’t do it.
Edit: I never only work my scheduled hours. I’m supposed to have 80-85 hours every two weeks but frequently end up with 95-130. My most recent was 110 hours. I do pull my weight. I’m confident I’m a good worker I’m just unsure about if I’m being an a*s in this case.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for working your scheduled hours and only your scheduled hours. It is your manager’s problem to staff at appropriate levels and has coverage available for sick leave and vacations. You need to give a polite but firm no when asked to work outside of your scheduled hours. Or quit answering the phone outside of work hours.
You are being bullied, and you need to set some boundaries and stick to them. You are there for a paycheck, not to be a doormat.’ MissAnth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Nah, dude… you are a good worker if you do your contracted hours and do not slack off too much in that period.
When you pick up overtime and delay vacation and come help out when on vacation… that is already going above and beyond (true you get paid… but for the hours worked not for the discomfort they created… unless overtime is twice the pay or something). All these are things you want to do or are pressured to do.
But you should in no way feel guilty that you do not do more. You are already doing more than your fair share.
Also… sucks for the coordinator but… you rejected that position… she probably gets more income… it’s fair she gets more of the stress as well. So… screw the lot of ’em and just do what you can… don’t wear yourself out for a random company.” justMe482
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unfortunately, this is really common for everyone who works in healthcare, especially right now. There’s not enough of us, but you know what? Burning us out only makes there fewer of us. And as you know from job hunting, if places were willing to pay more, they’d get more employees. But the more they can squeeze out of people, the more funds they save in hiring and training more people.
You being told to work despite potentially getting sick is also completely unacceptable, because it directly endangers the lives of your patients. Everyone you work with is at massive risk of crashing if they got infected, many are probably immunocompromised or already have heart/lung conditions, etc, plus, with the kind of specialized care they require, if they end up in a hospital?
That means that a full care team plus the standard medical staff is going to need to be going in and out of yet another hospital room, getting up close and personal. Hospitals are AT capacity, any severely disabled patients who get sick are not going to get the care they need. Full stop, it’s not even possible, there are just not enough rooms or staff.
Honestly, that’s what proves it’s not about trying to make sure the job gets done. I would consider that wherever your next job is will probably offer ample opportunity for OT as well, and move on as soon as possible, even if they don’t pay any more than you currently make.” viridian152
7. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sibling For Not Trying To Communicate With My Dad?
“I (nb18) have two siblings (m21 and nb16).
Recently my nb sibling has begun to try to change up their clothing style by wearing dresses and skirts. To my brother and I, this isn’t an issue, but we are concerned with how my father, mother, aunt, and uncle take the news. My nb sibling has not officially come out to the family yet but is still wearing dresses around the house.
They hide themselves away when my father enters the room because they think he will be mad at them.
The thing is, I don’t feel this should be such a major issue. My older brother is trans and came out to my family years ago; it took a while for my parents and aunt and uncle to fully get around to the idea, but generally, they all treat my brother well, if with a few pronoun slip-ups.
(I am personally not out to my family yet because I don’t see the need for the hassle. I know the adults have a harder time adjusting to pronoun changes and my pronouns are she/he (afab) anyway, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.)
Because my sibling is not coming out to anyone, though, things have been tense around the house.
They buy dresses and skirts without my parents’ knowledge and then wear them to school or out shopping. I, personally, entirely believe that if they came out to the family my parents would be more than willing to buy them new clothes themselves, if only a few; we are decently well off, but we do live in a conservative state in the U.S, and they don’t want to see their kids being attacked on the street for how they dress.
Both my sibling and my brother, though, are unwilling to even consider coming out to the family because they think my father will be displeased. I, apparently neutral in the matter, have insider information about what my dad thinks: he doesn’t care if my sibling is trans, he just thinks they need better outfits.
Recently this came to a peak when my siblings went out shopping. As they left the house my dad saw my sibling’s outfit but didn’t say anything. My mom told them to change into something else over text because she doesn’t like being dragged into their drama. After shopping, my brother texted me that they were afraid to come home because mom and dad might be mad at them.
I told them that they really weren’t and were over it, but he was still panicking at me, and I, admittedly, snapped. I told them straight that my dad is genuinely trying to be accepting of them and their identities (which he has said to me in private) and that things are constantly tense around the house because they refuse to address the situation at all.
I told them that they either needed to have a discussion with dad about their clothing and their gender or stop wearing skirts and dresses around the house because being half out of the closet isn’t making things easier on us.
My brother told me my advice was terrible because my dad is transphobic, but I still elect to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust my dad.
Am I wrong in this situation? Should I leave it alone even if my family has another fight because of it?
More Info: It took a long time for my dad to be accepting of my older brother, about a year to really get it in his head that he was trans. My siblings are worried about it happening again and my dad denying my sibling’s identity.
My dad tells me in private his feelings about my siblings because he is afraid that they will hate him for not understanding. He knows that my siblings still hold his year of denial against him, and he admits he was wrong, but my siblings don’t forgive him for it. He is terrified of losing a good bond with his kids because of his mindset, and he’s having trouble adapting to more progressive ways of thinking, as much as he tries.
And about the whole ‘not a hassle thing’ – ya’ll are completely right: saying that is super jerky. I shouldn’t try to tell my sibling to communicate with my parents if I can’t even do it myself.
UPDATE: I’ve apologized to my siblings about the whole situation; still feel really guilty about it.
They’ve forgiven me for being freaked out about the whole thing (which I didn’t even realize was happening oops thanks anxiety) so we’re ok now. I’m gonna give my sibling as much time as they need to come out like they deserve.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. You obviously love your sibling and your dad and your family.
You do not get to dictate how or when your sibling comes out. You’ve even said you haven’t come out. I see you came around to acknowledging your wrong thinking.
May I suggest you ask your DAD to have a conversation with your sibling? They are scared of his past behavior and have every right to be.
He is the one who should be talking to them and trying to make them feel safe.” Exact_Roll_4048
Another User Comments:
“If this is such an open secret, it’s your dad’s job to tell them ‘I know, and you don’t need to be afraid of what I think, it’s okay.’ If Dad refuses, file it under none of your business and let them be as tense as they want.
NTJ for wanting them to talk about this open secret, but it’s out of your power to make them want to.” JuliaX1984
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You aren’t even out of the closet yet but are practically pushing them out and shutting the door behind them.
I was outted before I was ready, and it caused a 5-year rift in my family that we are only now addressing after I got married because no one in my family would talk to me.
Yes, people should come out of the closet eventually, but if you don’t live in a safe place to be anything other than CIS, then the waters need to be warmed up a little first, to a temperature THEY’RE comfortable with. People CAN get hurt. Physically and/or emotionally.” Atlas7993
6. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Show A Little Interest With My Family?
“Most of my immediate family really sucks.
Mainly my mom (49) and my older brother (28), but my dad (50) doesn’t really call anyone out except me and my little brother. My little bro (18) is cool just kind of the class clown type, mainly harmless.
I’ve been in therapy for almost 6 years now working on undoing the dumb crap that my family has done and is still doing to me.
My mom constantly calls me the ‘rebel’ and ‘black sheep’ because I don’t just go along with everything she says and she thinks some of my harmless opinions are slights against her. She’s not my biological mom (my dad is my bio dad) but she’s raised me since I was nearly 6. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I’m not the type of daughter she wanted. Both therapists I had have told me to cut them off and so have many friends over the past 10 years, but I feel like I can’t because I’ll lose the rest of my family that I haven’t already cut off and not everyone sucks.
I’ve been with my current partner for 6 months and honestly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Amazing communication, working on himself constantly, his family is so kind all around (which is unusual to me), and despite it only being 6 months marriage is already being discussed. There’s so much more but that’s not the point of this.
So – family loves my partner, which is usual. My partner hates the way my family treats me (except my little bro and grandparents).
During holidays/bdays/events he only wants to come when my grandma is going to be there (which is understandable, she’s awesome and it’s funny cause my parents don’t like her that much – she was my grandpa’s 3rd wife (the first one passed away when my dad was young and second came out as a lesbian and he’s hardcore catholic) but she has been around ever since I can remember).
Even when she’s around I ask my partner not to start anything with my parents cause ultimately that’ll come back on me. My grandma has shut down some rants/berating that have come down solely on me over the years, but my partner really wants to go off on them. I told him it was useless because even the therapist THEY CHOSE for me as an adult couldn’t even get through to them.
They think everything they do and say is in the best interest of me regardless of what anyone else thinks is what they’ve told me.
They’re starting to notice his silence which I dismiss to them, and all I ask of my partner is to just show face and that we don’t even have to stay long and somehow my parents/older bro manage to say something about me in a short amount of time.
I’m probably the jerk here – but AITJ for asking my partner to show face?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your partner is trying to create a healthy relationship and limit contact with toxic people. You, on the other hand, are continuing to hold onto toxic people because you are scared to cut the cord. And worse, you want him to be more involved in that toxicity.
Until you decide you deserve better and limit contact (or cut them off completely for a time), you are not going to get the healthy relationships you deserve and you might end up pushing your partner away.
After 6 years in therapy, why haven’t you stood up for yourself? Why don’t you shut the family member down immediately when they say or do something toxic, and say you are avoiding them until they treat you with respect?
You need to take responsibility for creating healthy relationships in your life and stop holding on to toxic people. The guy sounds like the best thing that’s happened to you, yet you want to drag him into that toxicity. Cut the cord and invest in relationships that are healthy and supportive.” FakeRealityBites
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with NTJ because it’s not wrong to ask he be civil but it sounds like he’s at the capacity of what he can do. He clearly accepts, loves, and supports you, I can’t even imagine what it’s doing to him to have to sit and listen to what they say about you and do nothing.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be silent let alone friendly to people who put down my SO over and over.” New_Echidna1480
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’m putting myself in the shoes of your partner now – and I couldn’t, absolutely couldn’t talk and laugh, and be nice to people who make fun of and keep making fun of my beloved.
You are somewhat used to what they do, but your partner sees an actual horror happening in front of his eyes, and the victim of the monsters that keep coming back, and the monsters keep doing bad things… please, don’t force him to look at it and pretend that nothing is happening.
And your parents probably ‘like’ him (treat him nice) as they’re hoping he will join them one day.
Which he sees right through.” Korlat_Eleint
5. AITJ For Being Upset About The Adjustments In Our Wedding Preparation?
“I (22f) and my husband (24m) got married in April of 2021. When we got married, we had discussed with multiple parties that we planned on having our ceremony in October/November after I had our baby. Things have been pretty wild over the last year, including moving cross country, going through the courts to fight for custody of my step-daughter, having a baby, getting custody of my step-daughter, buying a house, then a second one, moving again, and taking two cross country trips to visit family.
My mother is not in good health and keeps asking what plans we’ve made for our wedding ceremony. I have no answers for her because every time I bring it up to my husband I get the answers: ‘I don’t know’, ‘let’s talk about it later’, or ‘we can’t afford it right now’. So it just gets put on hold.
My mom asked again today, and after asking him repeatedly to help with planning over the last few months he blew up at me. ‘You’re never satisfied, even when one big thing is done you’re still upset the next big thing isn’t done!’ He told me we would have to wait roughly two years before a ceremony can be had, since we hadn’t even STARTED planning.
Also mentioning I would most likely have to choose between a wedding and a honeymoon, which really doesn’t even seem fair.
I understand things have been rough and we’ve barely made it through this last year. In no way are we financially capable of hosting a wedding ceremony right now. I was hoping to maybe have our wedding this year, around the same time we had originally planned if he would work with me.
I want a small wedding, with only a few friends and family, nothing fancy or spectacular… Normally, the family of the bride would pay for it but we’ve had some pretty big disagreements with my family over the last few years and have assumed that we will just be paying for it ourselves. All I wanted was to start since it usually takes about a year to plan a wedding.
My biggest issue and the main reason I’m upset is that if we wait another two years, we will have been married for over 3 years before having a ceremony. I’ve accepted that we won’t have a ceremony before our 1st anniversary, which is fine. But 3+ years? That just seems like too long to be waiting.
I feel like he just keeps putting it off hoping I’ll drop it so we don’t have to spend the funds. There are things involving wedding planning that can be done without making any monetary decisions or spending anything at all. I just want to have something I can tell my mother. I may be overreacting, and needing to take a chill pill but I have to know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get that you’re disappointed.
You’re already married, have a child, have custody of another, and bought a home. So you’re angry that you didn’t have a pretty princess day? You made that choice. At this point, it’s just a pretty dress and a party. So buy a pretty dress and have a small party, but the “princess wedding” boat has sailed.
Your husband is being realistic. Choose the party or the trip. You can’t afford both.
‘Fair’. Are you 5? You have kids and a mortgage. Adult life is far from always being ‘fair’. Grow up. If the princess’s wedding was more important to you you should have waited until that could happen. Now, your husband doesn’t see the point, and you should get why.” SharkClub12
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
After all the upheaval of the last couple of years, your husband may just need a break from all of it, I certainly would, and you’re complaining you don’t get to throw a party and go on a holiday.
There’s a saying about b*******d plans. At this stage, your finances and lives aren’t comparable with what you originally said you would do.
It’s a tough break but that’s life, and this is just your first taste of it. You really need to deal with the fact your household has to take priority over you now. Babies are expensive, mortgages are expensive, cross-country trips are expensive, and weddings are even more expensive and not essential.
I second the suggestion that you see a marriage counselor.
Use the money for the ceremony on that instead.” Full_Worldliness1480
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that the two of you planned this before you ever got married and he has now completely flipped the script and told you no makes him a jerk. Sounds a lot like you got tricked into marrying him while he knew full well he had no plans to ever make the ceremony you wanted to happen.” NUT-me-SHELL
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you’ve been married for almost a year and at some point after the fact makes it pretty silly (in my opinion) to have a full-blown ceremony. On your anniversary, could you have a luncheon at home or a restaurant to celebrate your wedding? The cost would be much lower and it could appease you & your mom.
You could plan a renewal of vows a few years later by saving for it. Anyway, the global crisis has disrupted everyone’s lives and people got fooled out of a lot of events, so you need to shake it up a bit and get creative.” Driftwood1884
4. WIBTJ If I Ban My Daughter's Friend From Our House?
“My (42M) daughter ‘Sarah’ (18) has been friends with Amy (18) since they were about 12.
My wife is a doctor so she isn’t in the house much leaving me to cook. On Fridays, my work finishes early so I make us an extra nice meal. One day 5 years ago my daughter brought some friends home after school on Friday and asked me to make them some food since they were starving and dinner was going to be a while.
So I used some of the ingredients I was prepping for dinner to make something different. The girls (most importantly Sarah) loved the food and asked for it again the next week. Thus started a tradition of me making a meal for her and her friends every Friday after school. As her friend groups changed people came and went, but Amy always stuck around.
Frequently Amy is the only one who comes. Also, the kitchen and dining table are open plan so sometimes I’d talk to them while they ate or get food opinions. This stopped in 2020 and only started again in September last year.
At my daughter’s birthday party my wife joked that her friends have a crush on me.
I laughed and told her not to be gross. Looking back it might have been a hint to be more standoffish since I’m really thick when it comes to women/flirting (got asked out 3 times without having a clue any of them were into me). But I started noticing weird stuff since the joke, especially from Amy.
So far she’s said: ‘I wish I could find a man like you’, ‘You’re in such good shape, how much do you workout?’ (I’m not really), ‘your wife needs to be careful, someone might steal you’ etc.
I brushed these off and just tried to keep my distance. But 2 weeks ago I got really uncomfortable from one interaction.
Sarah was in the bathroom and Amy was finishing up her food. Then she suddenly got excited and told me ‘I and Sarah are planning on having sleepovers in the break’, I responded ‘cool’, then she said ‘You know I’m 18 right?’ and winked at me. While getting up from the table she tried to do what I can only describe as a weird version of ‘the bend and snap’ from Legally blonde.
Thankfully she didn’t sleepover because she was self-isolating for most of the break.
Anyway, I hope you appreciate that stuff like that would make me uncomfortable in my own home. I don’t want to talk to Amy directly because I’m worried about making the situation worse or her lying to Sarah or her parents. I don’t want to talk to my wife or Sarah because otherwise Amy is a great best friend to my daughter and I don’t want to ruin their relationship and hurt her feelings.
My wife would probably tell her if she thinks what I said is true and the dinners will stop forever this summer anyway.
So my solution is to tell Sarah that she can’t have friends over on Friday anymore because she has to focus on her A-Level exams. Then I’ll try to make sure that my wife is around when Amy visits or I’m not in the house.
WIBTJ for lying to my daughter?
Edit: I ended up talking to the wife as everyone suggested. She had already guessed the crush but didn’t actually expect Amy to act that way. We agreed that if she does stuff like that again I’ll tell her to stop and how inappropriate it is at the moment, then I and my wife will have a sit down with our daughter to talk through it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should tell your wife what is going on. Something could happen and you want to get ahead of the problem, not be run over by it. This kid could make a pass at you, someone could see, and then you’ll look like a dirty old man taking advantage of a teenager.
It’s unlikely someone that young would take responsibility and her parents – well they’re going to think their daughter is an angel so protect yourself. You don’t have to tell your daughter to preserve their friendship but I would want to know if someone was actively trying to bust up my family. Good luck.” no_nonsense_206
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is absolutely something you should discuss with your wife. I care less about lying to the daughter but you absolutely cannot lie to your wife. Tell her that her joke about flirting made you realize that you think Amy has been flirting with you and that it makes you extremely uncomfortable.
That you realize that she is just a kid but it is still uncomfortable having her in your home with some of the things she has said, list examples. Then tell her your plan. This absolutely involves your wife because if Amy tries anything inappropriate you need your wife to back you up. Planning to lie about this makes you look guilty as sin.” Double-dutcher
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for feeling uncomfortable, but you WBTJ if you don’t come clean to your daughter and wife. It’s a serious matter alone, and I can understand you not wanting to start drama for your daughter, however, she is 18 years old now. Both your daughter and wife deserve to know the truth and of course, you need to tell Amy a firm NO. It’s inappropriate.
Your daughter will be more crushed knowing you hid this from her especially since it involves her SO and father. It’s your daughter’s decision if she wants to continue the friendship or not. Amy definitely overstepped several boundaries and they need to be addressed accordingly. As for the Friday dinners, they don’t have to stop but boundaries should be set.” Glassesaresmexy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You would be the jerk if you were to lie to your wife, your daughter, and her friend. However, your daughter’s friend is being highly inappropriate and crossing your boundaries. I would say next time she does it, firmly tell her to stop, whether it is in front of others or not.
(Probably better if it’s around other people.) Just say something to the effect of, ‘That behavior isn’t tolerated in my household, you need to stop.’ Problem solved! Sure, it’ll make her uncomfortable, but isn’t the goal to get her to reconsider her actions?” SnooSquirrels9221
I don't agree with dragging your daughter into it and embarrassing her friend, hopefully Amy won't bring it up again and it WILL pass. It's a normal teenage thing to have a crush like that
3. AITJ For Not Letting A Stranger Into My House?
“I’m 20 years old, home from college and my mom used this as an opportunity to go on vacation for a week. Basically automatically leaving me as the babysitter. After a couple of days of her being gone, my 10-year-old brother came down with a fever, I gave him the right medicine, juice, crackers, and wet rag on the fore, head, and all.
She doesn’t trust me and is asking a man (whom she is seeing that I have never met) to deliver medicine and check on him. I’m explaining to her that I am not comfortable letting a stranger into the house.
I insisted that we just use DoorDash (don’t have a car) like we have previously done with medicine and she isn’t having it and is trusting a man that I have never met (not even before the 4 months I spent away in college) over her own daughter’s judgment, while also dismissing my feelings about this man.
It’s also very upsetting to hear her guilt tripping me for doing what I can, and yet again falling short of her expectations, which made her want to call some guy to help assess the situation over her own daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! So NTJ! DoorDash is a great idea, as you’ve done it before like you said, but also will help keep other diseases from getting in and possibly cause more harm to his already compromised immune system!
The flu can easily become pneumonia, especially if there are a lot of different people coming and going and bringing in extra germs and pathogens. If your mother is THAT worried, she can come home! She has been with this guy for, sounds like, less than four months and wants to let him into the home with a six-ten-year-old and a twenty-year-old.
That sounds like something dateline would have on! Trust your gut, and again, NTJ.” KandyShopp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Instead of sending a guy over she should come home and take care of her sick child. Since she has no problem throwing guilt at you why don’t you ask her why she’s not coming home to her sick child that needs her?
Don’t let the guy in. You don’t know him so it’s totally inappropriate for her to tell him to come to your home.” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“I feel like this is a sort of ‘no one sucks here’ is that even an option? Like, on moms end she obviously does know this guy and is willing to trust him, I don’t think it’s necessarily that weird that she’d be willing to let this guy bring the medicine, nor that she’s confused about why you have a problem with it.
Especially because it’s her home.
On the other hand, it makes sense that your having not met him would be uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think you’re probably being overcautious, but the world being the way it is you also sort of have to be. While there’s probably an extremely minor chance that this guy is actually dangerous in any way, A young woman alone with an older man who is a stranger while in her home is not necessarily a great recipe.
Not to mention whether he’s safe or not it’d be uncomfortable to have a stranger come into what is supposed to be a safe place for you.” ncarr99
2. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Immature Behavior?
“My partner and I generally have a good, solid relationship, but there are a couple of things that we both know we need to work on.
By her own admission, one of those things is channeling frustration when she’s having difficulty with something. We’re both the geeky, introverted type, so we spend a lot of time playing games together.
Today we went out for a walk to play Pokemon Go. We were walking along our ‘Main Street’ and stopped to do a raid.
We won, and as we were trying to catch it, she was getting increasingly frustrated (swearing under her breath, etc.). By the time I caught mine, she’d been getting louder (though not so loud that I would’ve expected anyone else to hear), until finally she threw her hands up and stomped her foot (she leaned back, brought her knee up to her chest, and slammed it down).
Then she thrust her phone at me to catch it for her.
As I took it, I quietly said to her ‘the stomping is a bit much’. I caught it for her, but when I offered her phone back to her, she was just staring daggers at me with her hands jammed in her pockets.
‘Are you going to take your phone back?’ ‘No’. ‘Alright, I’m going to start walking home.’ (It had started to rain, and we’d both agreed we’d head home after the raid).’Okay.’ ‘Are you going to come with me?’ ‘Yes.’
We walked a few blocks in silence until she started talking through why she’d been frustrated in the first place (stuff about the game).
I acknowledged everything she said as legitimate. Then I said ‘I understand why you were frustrated, and I think it’s totally valid. It was your reaction that I found concerning.’
Her response was ‘I was actually feeling better after I stomped my foot until you started dumping all the SHAME on me. It was that, or shouting, or starting crying, and now I feel like I’m going to do both anyway and I’m STILL frustrated. So what would have been acceptable?
Should I have just bottled it up inside and pretended it was nothing?’
With the explicit caveat that I know different people handle such feelings in different ways (there’s no one solution that works for everyone), I said that if it had been me, I would’ve wanted to channel it in some way that didn’t draw attention to myself or the fact that I was so frustrated. When I’m that upset, the last thing I want is people staring at me, wondering what my deal is, etc. I acknowledged that when it’s me, I usually end up swearing a lot (but quietly), and I tend to disengage from whatever I was doing and try to count in my head for a bit.
I told her that when I saw her stomp her foot like that, my first thought was ‘she is quite literally acting like a child throwing a tantrum’, which was what prompted my statement to her at the start of this whole thing.
By that time, we’d reached home, and she said she just wanted to get away from me for a while, so she took her phone back, got in the car, and drove off (this is the first time that has happened).
Did I overreact? Should I have just let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am sorry that you seem to have been brought up in an environment where emotions were taboo. But bottling up emotions and doing your best not to show them instead of actually working on the feeling itself is rarely healthy.
You weren’t surrounded by a group of people you have to impress, the only person around her was you. She felt comfortable letting her emotions out in a way that helped her. Then you made a comment which meant exactly what you thought – that she behaves childishly. Of course, she is going to be hurt when you criticize her with a passive-aggressive comment.
What YOU want to do when you’re frustrated is irrelevant, you said so yourself. You’re entitled to have an opinion, but making a hurtful comment when your partner is already upset does not help at all. You didn’t have to ‘let it go’, you simply should have waited a bit and then communicated openly about what you thought about that interaction.
Learn from this.” Maemmaz
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Frustration happens, people get upset, and often it’s hard to communicate with our partners about feelings.
You were disturbed by her behavior, which is fine, but it would probably have been better not to comment on it, especially in a way that could be seen as judgemental.
Her reaction, especially the driving away seems excessive, but her getting more frustrated with how you spoke to her is understandable. It comes off as a bit patronizing, to be honest.
Regardless of how you feel about you reacted to her, apologize for making the whole situation worse. How you recover from any kind of fight is the most important thing.
If you both have issues with how the other gets frustrated talk it out when you’re in a good place and come up with a plan about how to deal with it.” emcee_pern
Another User Comments:
“Hmm, slight YTJ… everyone releases their frustrations differently and we can’t dictate the way people react. What is right for us not be right for someone else, human beings are all so unique and her brain may just process a little differently than yours and who are we to try and tell someone they are wrong for it?
In the grand scheme of things a foot stomp is pretty harmless, she is not harming anyone (or herself), she isn’t breaking anything, and you probably just made her feel horrible by calling her out on it. If she had punched something or thrown her phone at the ground then maybe I could see it as a problem but I think maybe letting her feel her emotions the way she wants to feel them is the best bet for you here.” beccskychild
1. AITJ For Doing Laundry At Night?
“My partner (23) and I (21) have been living together in a house share since mid-last year.
The other 4 rooms are filled with 4 old men. We have spent the last 3 weeks arguing with one of them (D). A rota was agreed upon for the laundry & my partner and I were allocated Sun & Mon which worked for a little while but we found ourselves busy all day & would start our washing at 5 pm but made sure it finished before late.
D had a conversation with my partner about the pipes being loud in his room at night. My partner apologized & agreed that wash machine finished before 10 pm. The point is that he didn’t have this conversation with me so I did not know.
The next night, I got b***d on the bedsheets and I panicked & went to quickly wash them.
This was around 11 pm & my partner was playing D&D so it was just me. I went to take the sheets to the wash but found another tenant, W, already doing his load. I waited until midnight & my partner did not realize I did this until it was in the dryer. The next morning D is very loudly cursing at my partner because of the time laundry was done.
My partner was very respectful, calm & apologetic & tried to defuse the situation because D was so, so angry & aggressive. He tried telling D the reason why I did it but he said he ‘didn’t care, there’s no reason to do the washing so late’ despite W, the tenant D respects the most, washing past 11 pm.
When I told him this he just shook his head & denied what I was saying. It seemed we were the only ones receiving this terrible behavior.
It was settled & once again was agreed to 10 pm, with me now in the loop & willing to respect this despite the rudeness. But the second argument was a week later when my partner was washing @ 8:30 pm & D stormed in shouting ‘you better not be putting that washing machine on’ which was insane because the cycle to wash and dry would be complete before 10 pm.
Suddenly the time we were ‘allowed’ to use both the washing machine & dryer was 9 pm & my partner received more awfulness from D that night, ordering him on what to do and when.
We would actively avoid going out of our room if we didn’t need to & we would spend longer being out of the house.
One time we were leaving the house, and he was outside cleaning his pellet guns & proceeded to make more aggressive & argumentative comments at us whilst getting into our car. He also caught up to us the day after boxing day as we were washing dishes to send us more awful behavior.
After that, I sent him a respectful text telling him we feel harassed & to leave us alone.
Since then when we leave the house & he was out there with something on him in a way to intimidate us. We feel so uncomfortable we are tossing up moving out.
I would like to know from some outside perspective if we are jerks. I know we may seem like it for the first incident at midnight but I was unaware, & the second I found out we apologized and respected his demand to finish washing & drying by 10 pm on our allocated days.
But then the times kept changing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like you are doing your best to be respectful, and if you can’t use the laundry on allocated days until a certain time of night that is what it is. 10 pm finish is not unreasonable. I absolutely would move. D sounds unhinged and it is not worth your safety, but in the meantime, document everything with dates and times of each occurrence and what was said/done… just in case.” Educational_Fan3346
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The other tenant should have talked to both of you. But your partner should have also told you. I’ve been in a similar situation where they assume talking to one of the couple is the same as speaking to both of them. This then caused problems. It’s quite frustrating because there is nothing you could have done to avoid this.” Makeabreak
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You should have known better than to do something noisy at a time when people are trying to sleep. The other guy should have accepted the apology and moved on.” blueberry-yogurt
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