People Beseech Our Opinions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“My mother and I have a low contact relationship for a host of reasons so for me this wasn’t a thing to worry about but maybe I’m wrong. When I was a kid she refused to tell me who my biological father was, or to tell me why she wouldn’t tell me. My aunt P (her elder sister) told me when I was 18 that my father was a bad person.

At the time I accepted that as an answer since my mother has always (despite claiming to love me to my stepdad and his family) made it clear how much she didn’t want me around. But my mother lies about things, not just major things, mundane things like who made a dish. Fast forward a couple of decades and the topic came up again at a family function because my stepdad’s sister M has never liked my mom and since M was never told the story my mother’s side of the family was told, she was under the impression that I was to be told who he was when I was an adult.

She asked about it, and when I told her I didn’t know she confronted my mother who gave the name ‘Tom Smith’ and the school he went to in the 1970s.

It wasn’t exactly the kind of info that helps you find anyone, so last year I took one of the corporate DNA tests. I didn’t expect much, but I wanted to know if I had any half-siblings.

I found a whole family this year (definitely not named Smith), including my deceased father’s siblings. His name and other info don’t match anything my mother told me, but DNA doesn’t lie. My mother is remembered by them as the other woman who when my father refused to leave his wife, told him she was having an abortion. Shortly after that argument, he was killed in a car accident.

I look just like him and his twin sister T who has pictures of him with my mother as well as his journal which I’m still reading, but it pretty much details what sounds like a swinger couple figuring out that swinging was fun but maybe too risky. Now I know the real reason things were the way they are & for right now that’s enough for me.

I’m still processing, especially since my mother has presented herself as a hyper-conservative Catholic for most of my life.

But my new aunt is angry because she worked at the same company as my mother about 15 years ago, and my mother never told her I existed. She called my parent’s house (they still have a listed landline and my mother’s first name is very unique) and left a long angry message on the voicemail that my stepdad heard.

Apparently, there were a lot of lies told to him about my mother’s life before they got together and during their marriage. Now she’s angry with me for causing problems and I am definitely not feeling guilty. However, my aunt P says I should have just left it alone after all this time. So AITJ for wanting to know my father’s identity and inadvertently outing her past as the other woman?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I’m in the same position as you are. My mom’s side of the family basically avoided talking about my bio father, or mildly talking bad about him until my grandpa passed. That was when my grandma asked if I was ever curious about that side of the family, which led me to do a deep search since I already knew his name.

I found a half-sister and a half-brother, both very happy to have found me since our shared father had talked about me. And then my bio father’s sister, as known as my aunt, contacted me and ask what I was told about their side of the family. It was a matter of whose pride was greater since at the time out-of-wedlock babies were looked down upon.

They wanted me to be a part of their family but my mom’s family basically cut them off every time they tried to make contact. Even at 30 I have mixed feelings and can’t decide whose story to believe. Nobody made a big deal about it, though. I’m just going to visit them the next time I go home and actually meet my bio father before he dies.

And crossing my fingers that my mom’s family has enough respect for my decision to do so. So no, it’s definitely your right to find your b***d relatives, and uncover the truth considering your mom seems to be a habitual liar.” BeagPood2019

Another User Comments:

“Coming from personal experience, and a very recent journey in this myself NTJ. It’s your right to get info about your family if they are open to it.

Medical info is important. If you can build a relationship then that’s great. Aunt shouldn’t have contacted your mom. That was rude and hurtful. Your mom may not have made the right choice, but she respected her bodily choices and chose not to put a strain on a marriage and a man who wasn’t choosing to parent with her. She did what she thought was best in an emotional and vulnerable time.

Everything after was an attempt to avoid questions about hurtful topics and judgment about her younger lifestyle.

My mom told me my dad was a family friend who died when I was very young. I spent a lot of time building up this guy in my head and believing I could never have a relationship. I am now 32. I took an Ancestry test, and a 25% match came up, and some names I did t know from exploring my ‘dad’s’ side before.

I did some digging and found the man I thought might be my dad, and I look exactly like the yearbook picture Ancestry has of him.

When I asked, she confirmed it. Turns out my mom and he broke up before she knew she was pregnant. She never told him because she didn’t want to deal with custody and some other reasons. I don’t blame her she was in a hard place.

And I never asked more questions really so she never told me the truth.

I didn’t want to bring it up to my mom because I didn’t want to hurt her. But it’s my right to know any medical issues on that side. Or if I want to meet my bio dad and my half-siblings. I don’t blame my mom, but she did take that choice from me.

After some soul searching I sent him a letter last week. I hope I can meet them when I’m visiting my home county next month. But we will see.” katissashamalar

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I was in your shoes.

My mom and dad never told me I wasn’t my dad’s biological child.

I was 23, and at a family reunion when I found out. My cousin was overparenting his future stepchild (he wasn’t even engaged to her mom at the time) and I said something about how he shouldn’t be talking to the kid like he was because he wasn’t her dad.

He was being loud and obnoxious. My great aunt was sitting across the table from me and said ‘Your dad did a pretty good job with you.’ I looked at my mom, and she looked like a deer in headlights. I knew immediately. I went and talked to a different cousin after we left the reunion, and after about 3 phone calls to her mom and my mom, I knew the whole story.

Last year around Black Friday the Ancestry DNA tests were half price and one of my friends sent me the link and said ‘Find out who your bio-dad is, already!’ So, I bought the test, spit in the tube, and waited for the results. Right after Christmas, they came in. Bam. First cousin match with someone I’d never seen in my entire life, so I send this woman a message.

AND. SHE. DOESN’T. REPLY. At this point, I’m invested. I find her on social media. Nothing is private. Find her daughter. She looks like my twin. I send the daughter a long message telling her that her mom is my first cousin match on Ancestry and ask her if she can give me any information. She calls her mom, and her mom says ‘If we’re first cousins her dad is about 70/80 or dead, does she know anything else?’ My mom had given me a very generic name.

I’ll tell you what it is because it’s so incredibly generic. Michael Smith. I say ‘My mom told me his name is Michael Smith, but my dad’s name is Michael, and Smith is so generic I don’t even believe that and it is clearly a lie.’ This girl, immediately replies and says, ‘Michael is your dad, my mom is your aunt, and I’m your cousin.’ Michael and my aunt don’t have the same dad.

Half-Aunts and Uncles show up as first cousins on Ancestry.

My biological father is a professional con artist. I have no desire to ever meet or see him in life, but my aunt and my cousin are amazing. I met them in February. I met my grandma in April. I talk to my cousin almost every single day, and seeing how alike we are without growing up together is amazing and also a little insane.

My aunt drove three hours to come see me yesterday because I’m visiting my hometown. (I live across the country now) They’ve booked a trip to come visit me at the end of the year.

My mom has asked me not to contact my biological father, she thinks he’ll hurt me (emotionally, not physically) because he is absolutely aware that I exist. She told him she was pregnant, and he didn’t want anything to do with me, then after I was born, he worked next door to her for a while, and she told him about me.

You might be wondering at this point who I thought my dad was my entire life. My dad is the man who raised me. Who adopted me when I was less than a year old. Who proposed to my mom in a hospital room when I was born. That guy. My biological father means nothing to me. His family on the other hand? I love them.

They deserve to get to know me. My biological father is nothing more than a sperm donor.

You had absolutely every single right to do that DNA test and find out about your family. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. You deserve to know where you came from. Everyone does.” viciouslyliz