People Question Our Beliefs On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Calling Out My Rich Friend?
“I will refer to the couple as Amy and Adam.
I want to set the scene for how financially stable Amy and Adam are… not because of envy… but it comes into play in a very big way.
They are the dictionary definition of white privilege.
(For context, I do not work either and I’m a stay-at-home mom so I know what that privilege is myself…)
Amy doesn’t work and Adam has a very fun six-figure job. They want for nothing and greatly enjoy their success and life.
Amy cannot have children and is a self-proclaimed baby crazy lady.
They already have one adopted child (who was 3 by this time) and instantly Amy decides they need another one as soon as possible.
Amy & Adam join a private adoption agency for the 2nd adoption. This was to cut the red tape of adopting from the state.
As with all adoptions, you are told to be prepared, the birth mother could change her mind.
Sadly, for Amy and Adam, after the baby was born the birth mother did change her mind and decided to keep her baby.
Per the private adoption agency’s contract all the funds they spent for the failed adoption would be placed into an escrow account and applied to the next adoption of a baby that became available through the agency.
They would be placed back on the waitlist.
However, this wasn’t acceptable for Amy. She was going to have to wait again, and Amy doesn’t like to wait… Amy starts sending out messages to friends, family, and on social media because she is desperate for another baby.
If anyone knew of someone thinking of placing their soon-to-be-born child up for adoption… please… let them know.
Next, Amy has Adam hire a nanny so she can go take a 10-week retreat in SoCal to deal with the disappointment of the adoption falling through.
But to Amy’s delight, shortly after returning from sunny SoCal.. a young teen (just like the movie Juno) in the area is willing to let Amy adopt her baby…. however this girl is not through their private adoption agency…. therefore they will NOT be able to access the money in the private agency’s escrow account.
Amy and Adam will have to cover all the adoption costs themselves.
Now, the grotesquely out-of-touch Amy decides to convince her husband they should create a fundraiser. It is not enough for Amy to just post the link to her new fundraiser to her social media page.
Oh no, she private messages every single person (almost 2000) on her friends list the link. Even more ridiculous she placed the amount they were trying to raise at almost $20,000. (In truth the adoption would’ve been closer to $10,000).
Please take into account many on Amy’s friend list have experienced layoffs in the last 3 years and NONE of them are as financially as well off as Amy & Adam.
The fact Amy is oblivious enough about her friends lives and their financial troubles makes the audacity to private message those people to bankroll their adoption leave a very irked feeling behind… I basically hit a level of rage I didn’t know existed.
I sent Amy a DM.
(About a day or 2 after)
I suggested if she needed money to pay for the adoption perhaps she might consider selling her BMW, and look at driving a more cost-effective one. Or, they could sell their 3-car garage, bonus room, private theater, 5 bedroom home and get something a little more reasonable if they couldn’t afford $18,000ish to adopt another.
I was trying to have her see how ridiculously crazy when you live their lifestyle to make a fundraiser! Basically, their fundraiser was like going to a food bank for groceries when their bank account was full.
Amy was livid. She said the fundraiser was due to so many of their friends desperate to help after the other adoption fell through.
(We meant dinners, helping to raise their spirits not by writing checks). Also… Amy belongs to one of the mega-churches that preaches God rewards you with prosperity and it was this church’s friends who were fanning the flames of the fundraiser.
Amy admitted when I DM’d her about the fundraiser that they were NOT in actual need of money.
(And we all knew that because they put in an offer on a new home less than a week before she made the fundraiser).
She was livid because she couldn’t believe I would suggest instead hitting up their friends for money they don’t really need instead curbing their spending on luxury items. Why would you do a fundraiser when you put in an offer on a new home?
I’m all for adoption and I was adopted myself but you don’t get to use adoption to fund an over-the-top lifestyle. Fundraisers are for people truly in need are they not?
Her fundraiser closed with less than a thousand donated.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Bridal and baby showers started off as means to provide assistance to those that were not in the best situation for their circumstances: Are you going to go off on people for deviating from that, too?
People offered to help your friend and she provided a means to do it.
She doesn’t need the help but she is accepting what help is offered. She sent a form letter to everyone the modern way (via DM). The situation really isn’t that different from well-off people having bridal and baby showers. What’s more is they have registries to give those that choose to give, ideas for what they would like; your friend had just one item (money) and it can be in any amount.
Your friend could be less greedy and more sensitive but YTJ for acting as arbiter of who should/shouldn’t be fundraising, who’s deserving/undeserving of help. What’s more is you are so focused on the one perceived undeserving person that you forget the spirit of giving and that more than one person can receive aid.” Sweet__kitty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I might get flamed for this but I grew up in a fairly wealthy area where there were couples with ridiculous amounts of money all around. They might’ve had some of what I view as frivolous spending habits but they would’ve never done what your friend did, cause they were well aware they had enough money for whatever they wanted.
You could’ve been a bit more gentle but I think you were right to say something. If they had the money to put an offer on a house, they had the money to adopt a child. They could’ve even just waited like everyone else with the agency who probably experience similar stuff.
Claiming you need money for adoption when you drive a luxury car is like claiming you’re starving when your pantry is full, and it detracts from worthier causes like, say, children with cancer or starving families.” PingtheAPB
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Because from how you’ve painted Amy she certainly seems privileged and out of touch.
Soft jerk on her part.
YTJ for being so salty though. You sound jealous of AMY and entitled as heck of what you think they should be doing to get the money they need for the adoption. You sound critical of the fact she’s adopted, she’s not gone through the struggles you have and they seem to have a nice life.
You need to examine yourself. It’s super disgusting.” VeeNessAhh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What exactly did you DM her? The way you worded it makes a big difference between making her aware of how you feel about receiving this request or how she’s being perceived (insensitive, overstepping boundaries etc.), versus calling her a self-entitled leech.
That said, I’m shocked at how many people think you’re the jerk here. Begging people for money on the internet because SHE wants a 2nd baby is insane to me. It’s a complete waste of money when they already have the funds sitting in an escrow account, and is an egregious thing to ask of “friends” who she knows are less financially secure.
Either she can afford it and is asking for donations under false pretenses, or she can’t afford it, in which case she also can’t afford a 2nd baby. What a crappy, entitled person, ick.” chivala
16. AITJ For Keeping A List Of Lost Money?
“I am living at home until May this year.
I live with my mum, stepdad, stepsister, nephew (sister’s son, age 5) and brother (half brother through mum and stepdad, age 7).
I am a student at a university a 20-minute train ride from the house. I don’t have a permanent job but usually do a few hours tutoring per week and the odd agency shift. I’m saving up a lot, paying rent (£300 a month, way below average), and in my free time I go out with my friends and partner.
I love my brother and nephew, and for a few years now I’ve been babysitting them fairly regularly. Before I had a source of income and my sister moved back home, I was paid for babysitting. Since I started working, as I had money, I’ve been babysitting for free.
I don’t mind this 90% of the time, as the other adults all work long hours and my sister is going through some custody-related stuff (she moved back in as she and her husband split) so I want to help the others out and I enjoy spending time with the boys.
The 10% of times I do have an issue with, however, are always situations where it causes a last-minute change of plans. Some of these events are usually unpredictable, such as the boys getting sick or one of them being called into work unexpectedly, which can’t be helped, but some are things like parties their friends are hosting, which does annoy me a bit as I am always the person expected to watch the boys.
Like I said, I don’t begrudge it, because I love my brother and nephew, but there are more than a few times it’s proved inconvenient. These are times when it’s clashed with university, work experience, paid work, or my own social events. Every time it costs me money, as I buy all my train tickets to uni in one hit so taking the day off means missing money, and if I put money down to go out with my friends or partner that’s also money lost, plus there have been times I’ve had to cancel paid work to babysit for free.
This has annoyed me more than a little bit. Partly to vent, and partly because I’m hoping I’ll eventually say something, I’ve been keeping a list. The entries are all the same sort of thing – date, event missed, amount of money lost – along with a running total in the column next to it.
Tonight I had an argument with my mum tonight during which she said I don’t contribute, and I responded that I am losing money by the amount I help out. She said I was exaggerating, and I pulled out my list. She told the others, and after the worst of the argument died down they explained that they were sorry I was missing out but financially, I’m getting off easy, they only ask for help when they need it, and I’ve made them feel guilty and like they can’t ask me for anything going forward because I’m keeping track of it.
I now feel bad, but can’t tell if I should or if this is a guilt trip.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re taking advantage of you. If I’m reading this correctly, they’re expecting you to cancel PAID work because they’re informing you last minute they have a party to attend so you must babysit for free?
What the heck?!
Start charging them for it, doesn’t even have to be the ‘market’ rate, just a nominal fee, and if they complain, you can make another table showing just how much free labour they’ve gotten out of you.” high-up-in-the-trees
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Keep the list. They want you to get rid of it so some months down the line, one of them can make the same point in an argument, and know you can’t throw it back in their face. Use this time to set some boundaries, and don’t back down.
“Hey, I know you said you are uncomfortable asking now, so here is when I will be able to help, and I need x amount of notice.” They don’t like it? Well, you can just not babysit? Might make things hard in the house though.” captchaloguethat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
None of these kids are yours and therefore not your responsibility. If I were you I’d put your foot down when it personally costs you especially if it’s not for a legitimate reason. “I want to go to a party, so I need you to skip work and watch the kids,” isn’t okay.” milkymilkchan
15. WIBTJ If I Chose To Take My Partner's Mom Instead Of Mine?
“I was recently awarded a MAJOR scholarship. Like, life-changing, actually gonna let me go into college without a significant amount of debt. Part of this scholarship has an award banquet a few months from now that I’m allowed to bring three guests with me.
I have no idea who is gonna be coming with me. I’ve even considered the idea of bringing no one and just going alone. My family is definitely an option, but for many reasons I don’t wish to bring them along, my family has told me in every step of my high school life that my decisions were wrong.
You can’t go out for soccer cause you don’t have a good enough physique, band is too expensive so you need to quit, robotics takes too much time out of your life and we need you at home. Telling my family “thanks for the input but I’m doing these things regardless” proved to be one of the best decisions of my life, and participating in all these things was the main reason I was able to get this scholarship.
Most importantly, my mother is telling me “you’re bringing A person, B person, and me along.” Although with A person I have nothing wrong with and she never told me I was wrong in my choices, she was never necessarily there for me either. B person was one of the major people telling me I should quit, and my mom is a whole other story of horrible behavior and manipulation into doing what SHE wanted to do, not what I wanted, along with only showing up to events in my school where parents got recognition.
I’m too busy to sit down and pick right away, but I vaguely have in mind a few other people, none of them being family members, and one of these people is my partner’s mother, who has been a major supporter in my high school life.
She is there to reach out for me when I need support, lots of hugs, and lots of putting up with my unique situation. At the same time, she scolds me as if I’m her child for all the dumb things I do, as well as offers guidance in the process of becoming an adult.
She has provided endless rides for me which allowed me to keep participating, and gone so far out of her way to help me when she never had to. None of these things my family ever did for me. I haven’t asked my partner’s input on this situation yet as to how he thinks she would react to me asking her, but I plan on doing so as soon as I figure out whether or not I want her there most.
My mom already doesn’t like my partner’s mom namely because I think so fondly of her, and I worry how my mom will react in specific. I’m going to pick my guests based on who is the most important, not based on who I’m the most upset with, but if it comes down to it and my family isn’t on the list, then what?
Do I rework my choices for them so I don’t disappoint or how do I tell them that I’m picking the family of my friends over them for this event, when they already hold so much resentment that I’m more attached to them than my birth family?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you invite the partner’s mother in place of your own mother. You know your mother will be upset and, while she might deserve it (I take your word for it), it’s unfair to drag the partner’s mother into it. Such a public replacement makes the partner’s Mom a target of your mother’s wrath and maybe even a victim of her bad mouthing.
Not to mention that people will be asking at the occasion, “Where’s your Mom?” Do you really want to explain she’s not invited and why?
Keep thinking about alternatives. One might be to invite only age-related friends, like your bf and other peers. If it’s all peers, it won’t stand out that your mother isn’t there.
You could also invite both mothers, along with other individuals you feel helped you. That’ll work only if your Mom will not be inappropriate during the event. But of course, pick these people yourself (It might be an eye opener for your Mom, actually).
It’s great you recognize your partner’s Mom, though.
Maybe send her a nice thank you card and flowers, or treat her to something to show your thanks.” dorothydunnit
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you did not have your family by your side during this momentous occasion. Who has raised you? Who has paid for the extra curricular activities, maybe even when money was tight?
You are a teenager and cannot see past your own nose all that your parents have done for you. This is not to say that you did not earn the scholarship for yourself, but without a doubt you would not be in the place you are now without your parents.
Of course you get along so well with your partner’s mom, she’s not YOUR mom! You won’t know your partner’s mom in 5 years, but you will know your parents, and they won’t be on this earth for you to take for granted forever.” alittlebitholywater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you might be setting yourself up for a fight if you do. You are still, presumably, financially dependent on your mom and living in her house. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to take people who actually support you, but it might not be the smart decision.” qwertyuiiop145
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but, ask your partner’s mom first. Let her make the call about whether she wants to deal with any drama/fallout (which it sounds like she probably will be OK doing). And congrats.” GaiusHispidus
14. AITJ For Allowing My Parents To Pay For My Tuition?
“My parents aren’t terrible people, they never did anything majorly wrong, we just don’t get along. We never have. When I was a kid I was always in trouble, not for acting out or breaking rules but because I always managed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
They always thought I was being a smarty pants or arguing for the sake of arguing when I would open my mouth with an opinion. I was always confused as to what I was saying wrong. Teachers liked when I opened my mouth at school so I never expected it when they’d get mad at home.
When I got older I realized the issue is that me and my parents don’t have much in common. We don’t get the same humor. When I tell them about wanting to cook a new recipe they make faces of disgust. They’re always judging whatever I say and I end up just feeling stupid and weird whenever I try opening up.
And for my part I find the kind of things they talk about so uninteresting I have to force myself to call home. My mom is the type who can talk for twenty minutes updating me on every coworker of hers and distant relative I’ve never met and not notice she’s the only one talking.
I find it exhausting.
I don’t call home as much as I know they want me to and now that I’m living away I think they’re feeling the distance between us and want me to open up more about my life. But after all the years of trying to do that where I just end up feeling like a waste of space I don’t think I want to be any closer to them.
A few weeks back I went with a friend to visit his parents and we hit it off instantly and even though I was just meeting them for the first time, I felt more comfortable and normal around them than I ever do at home.
I confided to my friend that I feel like my relationship with my parents is all surface compared to his, and that I don’t think I’ll ever be that close to them.
I wasn’t expecting how mad this made him. He started calling me a jerk because I told him before that my parents are paying for my college and that’s a privilege I should appreciate.
I said I do but that doesn’t change the fact that my parents and I don’t get along. He said I’m a hypocrite then for taking their money and I should be a man, move out and stop mooching.
I keep thinking about what he said and I think that if I dropped out of college (because that’s definitely what I’d do if my parents stopped paying – I’d rather get a more hands-on job anyway like construction) I feel like that would be more hurtful and disrespectful to my parents than keeping things how they are.
I mentioned this to my friend the other day and he said I’m just using them for their money and it makes me a bad person. So I’ve stopped hanging out with him. But I can’t stop wondering, is he right? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is jealous because your parents are paying for your college and his probably aren’t. I get where that jealousy comes from but he’s still wrong. You don’t hate your parents, you aren’t crap-talking them, you just don’t get along. You are right your parents would be incredibly hurt if you told them you didn’t want them to pay for your college, and they’d be heartbroken if they found out it’s because you don’t feel connected to them.
Your relationship with your parents sounds ok, you talk and get along even if it feels surface level. It’s ok to feel not connected to your parents and definitely ok to still act like their son and let them help you and still call anyways.” DietCokeMottzSticks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude, your parents love you. You still call home. Yeah, you could call more often, but that’s it. And I assume you love them for a lot of what they did for you, because you didnt say one particular nasty or rude comment.
Just call home, and tell them about yourself every now and then. Not a whole novella, just a day or two. Your friend’s the jerk to be quick to insult without knowing the whole situation though.” NotFromWendys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend thinks you should change your personality to fit in with your parents.
Your parents wouldn’t be paying if there wasn’t love and obligation there. It’s your kind of normal with them.” JoeCarthy
13. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate To Practice Basic Toilet Hygiene?
“I wish I could make this all up.
I have a roommate, and we’ll call him “Rob.” Generic enough. “Rob,” told me this past Saturday that he is moving out March 1st, giving me basically 1 week notice, and I just wanted to find out if I am the jerk in this situation.
When “Rob” and I signed our lease 3 years ago (March 1st is the renewal, so he’s not breaching anything), he said, “I’m off on Wednesdays, I can mow the lawn every Wednesday.” Well, he’s not the cardio type, so as you can imagine, he would never do it, we rent a corner property that’s about 3/4 acre.
I would just mow the lawn, whatever. But “Rob” would come marching out after hearing the mower start expecting to just take over wherever I was already. I would decline, as I’m already started, and I don’t mind mowing the lawn (I must be hitting my midlife crisis pretty quick).
He would always be offended that I wouldn’t let him take over, later making all sorts of excuses as to how he was “going to do it tomorrow” or some crap like that. Last year I planted flowers across the front of our property, he mowed them all down, claiming, “I didn’t see any flowers.” The flowers were purple, our grass last I checked was still green.
“Rob” feels that he shouldn’t have to do anything at home (chores or otherwise) because, “I did enough work all day at work,” as if I don’t work 50+ hour weeks. When we first moved in, we would frequently have dinner together, but as schedules have changed, that doesn’t really happen anymore, so we previously did have a decent cohabitation relationship.
Now “Rob’s” latest antics are about “floaters.” He just like, forgets to flush the toilet, but there’s also no paper. Does he seriously just not wipe? What the heck. I would text him to flush, and he would go on rants about how “floaters happen” and “why would I make a big deal out of it.” I would simply remind him to flush the toilet, maybe with some liberal use of profanity (I never said I wasn’t a little bit of a jerk, but given the situation, I feel more than justified), but it always seemed like I was offending his ancestors by reminding or requesting he keep flushing until everything is down.
He’s over 30 years old.
In response to the latest “floater” incident just today, “Rob” says: “This why I’m leaving ya know. Instead of being an adult you turn into a child over minor annoyances and things that make no difference to you.”
I’m not actually sure what he was getting at here, because the “minor annoyances” of him not flushing are major annoyances to me, because it’s nasty and he’s being a slob.
He considers me calling him out “being a child.”
Not listed, the washing machine, meat sauce fingerprint or cat food incidents.
Am I the jerk for wanting the toilets flushed and calling out my roommate for it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! This is ridiculous. Adults know about germs and politeness, and therefore they don’t leave floaters.
That’s just disgusting and childish.
As for the other things, I would have done the same. I think that if you say you’ll mow the lawn, you’ll mow it before the grass is too tall. Good riddance.” JessHas4Dogs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a grown man should be able to do the simple task of flushing a toilet after pooping. That’s disgusting and rude to just leave it sitting there. I’m happy for you that he will soon be out of your home.” stateofgrace17
12. AITJ For Kicking My Brother Out?
“My 20-yo brother just started uni this winter and has been living with me since January (due to weird student lounge system) This is problematic, bc I’m an introvert who needs my own space to function properly and I don’t click with his personality (he’s misogynistic, vain, lazy, antisocial and is never grateful whenever I help him with school or life).
Anyway, my space is getting invaded, I have no idea how long he’s gonna live with me, I have my own degree to deal with, an internship to prepare for, and I’m getting CBT for major depression and anxiety. It’s a stressful situation, and stress makes me irritated on a daily basis.
Timeskip to January, it’s ok the few first days until I realize he’s the worst roommate, a freeloader. He doesn’t clean up after himself, doesn’t wash the dishes and doesn’t cook at all; which means I have to do all of that for him. (He eats my cooking though?
Fair? Eh) And whenever I tell him to do something he just goes “OK” but doesn’t do anything about it. He’s clogged up my sink and shower thrice and his only response is “oops.” At this point, I’m basically his servant.
I, the big baby, call my parents and tell them about the situation but since I’m the oldest kid and Asian I have to take care and look out for him.
They’re no help, as always, and tell me to be patient and be there for him until he finds his own place.
February rolls in and I have to study, but I can’t. He keeps blasting his series behind me, keeps snacking on my snack stash and ruining my concentration simply by being in the same room as me.
I tell him to be quiet, but end up irritated and go for a walk to nurse my anger away, but it’s affecting me mentally and I’m always annoyed, which is bad because when the passive aggression drops I get downright mean.
Anyway, last week I called my parents again and threatened I would kick him out if he couldn’t do the bare minimum a roommate would do and he went ballistic on me during my tirade and says “I DO CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF YOU WITCH!” well fam, you do?
(Narrator voice: He didn’t do crap).
And now, he’s been giving me the silent treatment until a few hours ago wherein he asked for help with printing some stuff. I glance and see they’re leases. So, he’s potentially gotten a new place and will probably leave next week.
In short, because of all my issues with him and my constant nagging on him just to do his stuff, he’s fed up and ready to move out.
I know I have flaws and can get really angry when people cross me, I can be downright mean when it happens.
This situation wasn’t pleasant for him either but is it really too much to ask him to help out at home if he wants to live with me and stop using me as a servant? AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re living on your own or with someone, you have to be contributing in some way.
If he isn’t helping himself in anyway, respecting the fact you have your studies or showing any responsibility then yeah it’s understandable why you want him out.” d3_tvl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although I knew that as soon as you described him as a misogynist. Good riddance to him.” janieslaya
11. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Visit Our Newborn?
“About a month ago, we added a son added to our family. Most of my family is 6 hours away. Shortly after our son was born, my Dad made arrangements to come up to visit. We agreed to this weekend.
Today, he sent me a message to confirm his arrival. He mentioned that on the way up to visit us he was stopping at the hospital to visit his mother.
Turns out that 2 days ago she was admitted with the flu. He talked to her on the phone and while she seemed to be doing ok, they were still keeping her in the hospital for a few days before sending her to a rehab facility (her overall health isn’t good).
I told this to my wife. I didn’t think much of it. I think my Dad is responsible enough to take precautions like wearing a surgical mask, washing his hands, etc. I think if he takes the same precautions as hospital staff, the risk should be minimal.
My wife was very uncomfortable with this. I felt like she was overreacting. This turned into a heated discussion and resulted in me calling my Dad. I wanted him to reassure me (so that I could reassure my wife) that he was going to take reasonable precautions.
He told me that he was going to wear a mask etc, and his mother would do the same. He seemed to be taking it seriously.
When I got off the phone, my wife was not happy with me. She expected me to tell him that if he wanted to visit her, he needed to do so after visiting us.
I told her that my grandmother would likely be out of the hospital by then and he was probably visiting her because it was on the way. I explained that I did not think this was any riskier than taking our newborn anywhere in a public setting during flu season and that my Dad would take precautions.
I want my wife to be comfortable, but also don’t want to be forced to put a condition on my Dad’s visit that I think it’s completely unnecessary.
My Dad and I do not the closest relationship. We’ve always lived in different cities and had a rocky history.
It’s better now, but not helped that he and my wife do not like each other. If I put this condition on his visit, I think he’ll know it is my wife and will like her less. It’s possible she is being spiteful as well.
After I put our older kid to bed, my wife told me that if he visits his mother first, he cannot come to our house. Period. This was a big argument. She said she couldn’t believe I would disagree because it was a safety issue.
I think she is blowing this out of proportion. We took our newborn to a nursing home a few weeks ago to visit her great grandmother–I felt like that’s worse because our newborn was actually in the building with all the sick people. And we have a kindergartner in the house bring who-knows-what from school.
While I want to respect my wife’s feelings, I don’t like that she’s forcing me to put what I think is an unnecessary condition on what should be a fun family visit. Should be fully siding with my wife here in the name of safety?
Or is my wife being unreasonable and selectively applying logic?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t see why he can’t just visit your grandmother on his way back home after seeing you. You point out that it’s ‘on the way’ but that means it’s still ‘on the way’ during the trip back home.
This is such an easily resolvable issue, but you haven’t even bothered to ask your dad about it- he might not even think of it as a bad thing and agree to the request. Because let me tell you, your wife isn’t being unreasonable at all.
Your infant’s immune system right now is nothing. Added to that, your child can’t get the vaccinations that would protect him from exposure to the flu, which would make him more susceptible to contracting it. Even if your father wears a mask and washes his hands, there is still enough of a chance that he could transmit it (and a number of other things) that you guys as parents should be taking precautions to protect him.
Also, a note on the nursing home. I’m currently doing my rounds in long-term care, and let me tell you, they’ve got a number of protocols set in place to contain flus and sicknesses. Residents are monitored daily, which ensures early detection of the flu or other ailments, and as soon as they know, said resident is generally put in isolation to prevent transmission to staff and other residents.
It sounds like your wife’s great-grandmother wasn’t sick with the flu herself, and if anyone else at the nursing home was sick with the flu, they would likely be kept separately from gen pop and away from the woman. Moreover, it’s a general rule of thumb that you shouldn’t be taking newborns to highly populated public places altogether.
Honestly, the bottom line is this; are you willing to knowingly put your son at risk of contracting something that could be catastrophic for him? And if the worst happens and he does get sick, are you willing to accept the burden of knowing you put him in that position when you could’ve easily avoided it?
If the risk is worth it to you, then go ahead, but I personally think it’s far better to be safe than sorry, especially where your child is involved.” daughter-of-dragons
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… the World Health Organization estimates that between 300,000 and 600,000 people die from the flu each year.
And guess who is at the greatest risk of death…. that’s right… INFANTS and the elderly. The flu in infants is not the same as the flu in adults. It almost always leads to hospitalization, complications, and sometimes death. Infants don’t have an immune system yet.
The fact that you would take even a 1 percent risk with your child’s health and life makes you a HUGE jerk. Your wife is in the RIGHT here. Flu is DEADLY for infants. Infants are like immune-compromised people (think cancer patients and the like) as they don’t have functional immune systems yet.
Would you knowingly expose a cancer patient to the flu? The fact is that for immune-compromised individuals (like newborns) simple illnesses that would cause no harm to others are deadly. Your infant is fragile and you aren’t taking that seriously at all.
How will you feel 2 weeks from now if your infant lands in the hospital fighting for its life, hooked up to tubes and machines, suffering from needles and IVs?
Will your stubborn need to right be worth it if your baby dies? Do you really want to risk your wife having to bury her newborn? And all the pain and suffering you will inflict on your family in the worst-case scenario?
Don’t be stupid.
Your wife has the best interest of her vulnerable, immune-compromised, newborn infant at heart. And you are being incredibly naive and taking a huge risk with your baby’s health for absolutely no reason except your stubborn pride, need to be right, and not wanting to take the reasonable precautions outlined by literally every single pediatrician ever in existence anywhere.” Mlynn44144
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The precaution that one should take is not being in contact with someone who has the flu.
If he doesn’t have a flu shot he shouldn’t be visiting AT ALL.
If he does have his flu shot: He can visit the hospital on the way back.
Several measles outbreaks were made worse by sick people being in waiting rooms while contagious. It’s reckless to go from a hospital during flu season to a house with an infant.
Your wife is following the advice of epidemiologists. You are not. You are wrong and can’t be bothered to consult experts.” mongoooses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You both want what’s best for your families.
I have a (silly?) dea. What if your father visited his mother wearing specific clothes, and then changed his clothes RIGHT AWAY?
Could that help set your wife’s mind at ease?
Ask her what your father could do to make her feel like the baby is safe, other than not visiting his sick mother.
Maybe he could visit the mother, then wait a few days, then visit you and the baby? Or agree not to hold/kiss the baby?” jessica11k
10. AITJ For Refusing To Talk To My Great Aunt?
“My great aunt isn’t related to me by b***d. She dated my grandmother before she died and I only learned about her a few years ago.
When I first talked to her and met her, she was a sweet old lady, 70s I believe. I’ll call her Leah (not real name)
She had confirmed some stuff my father did to me as a baby, and other stuff. Sometime later, she was getting really obsessive about what I do with my life
I’m in a long-distance relationship, me in Iowa, him in Ohio. He and I are happy and I plan to move in with him. I also want to take part in culinary, and I do not want to go to college, as some parts of culinary are about experience over education.
When I told her over the phone that I don’t want to go to college, she goes on a rant about how one of her sons did amazing things in college and is doing great in culinary (he works for a fancy restaurant. I’m wanting work at a more home cook style restaurant.) And how successful he was because of college.
I tell her I’m fine not going to college.
Then she asks if I’m seeing someone. I say yes and it’s long distance. She starts ranting that I shouldn’t not go to college cause of him and shouldn’t give up college for a guy.
I decided not to go to college long before I dated the dude, so it wasn’t because of him.
The rants arent like 5 mins long too, it’s like an hour long and you can’t get a word in, I swear the woman doesn’t take a breath for the whole thing. When I get the chance, I try to explain he wasn’t the reason I wasn’t going to college and that ranting about it and comparing me to her son won’t change it.
(Idk her son either so what’s the use?) But she’s dead set that he’s the reason I won’t go and won’t move away from it.
The next time I talk to her, she asks if I started college. I say no and told her why I wasn’t again.
(This woman doesn’t have memory issues, as she can remember things very easily.) I wasn’t happy that she keeps blaming my partner even if my partner says I made the choice not to go to college before I dated him.
I try to get her away from the college topic but she doesn’t give up and keeps up these rants.
Sometimes these rants are so long that one of our phones dies. Sometimes I even lie just to hang up to avoid the conversation. I asked my mother for her opinion on all this and she thinks I should just ignore her calls from now on, but I feel bad.
I haven’t talked to her in several months and I have no clue if I should try to contact her again.
AITJ for not talking to my great aunt because I don’t want to go to college?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Based on what I’ve heard, there’s no way you’re going to make any progress with this woman.
She’s already made up her mind. Just send her to voicemail.
I imagine she’s one of those people who wonders why so-and-so won’t talk to her anymore when she was “just trying to help.” (There are probably a lot of so-and-so’s.)
It’s great that you know what you want to do, and have a realistic plan.
College isn’t for everyone. If you want to do fine dining at some point in the future, you can look into it then, and your knife skills will already be dope.” ChevyK68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t not talk to her because you don’t want to go to college.
You don’t talk to her because she’s disrespectful of you and your life choices. If you’ve otherwise enjoyed talking to her, try being up front about it. ‘Aunt Mildred, you’ve made your position on college clear, and so have I. I realize you only bring it up because you love me and want the best for me, but I’m an adult now and you need to be able to respect my life choices if you want to continue to have a relationship with me.'” Rix_Antilles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She isn’t listening to you and keeps sticking to the college topic instead of dropping it. At this point, all conversations you will have with her will be hour-long rants about why you should go to college. At that point, this isn’t a friendship, it’s bullying.
Might as well cut her off for a while to see if she stops ranting.” Master-Manipulation
9. AITJ For Causing A Nervous Breakdown?
“This happened a few years ago on a discord RPG server. This RPG was text-based and had quite some lore written up. So as one could imagine, there was a lot of reading and writing. This was made clear to everyone who joined the server.
We had a few dyslexic people on the server before, so the amounts of texts seem bearable and everyone tries to make as few spelling mistakes as possible. This particular person, however… They were around my age (20 at that time) and seemed nice at first. Shortly after joining, they told us they were dyslexic and we told them ‘Okay, no problem.
Tell us, if you need help with anything.’ That was where my problems with this person started. They would ask me about EVERYTHING! Which races do you have? Which kinds of magic? Which weapons can I use? Which skills are available? Very basic stuff, that is actually clearly marked in several documents – even illustrated!
I told them, I even sent them the files and marked via screenshots, how and where to find them on the server. All the while, I kept my growing annoyance to myself, because they seemed to be a nice person, even though their writing was horrible.
Not (only) in terms of style, because that’s just preference, but also spelling mistakes. Like a lot of them.
Enough prelude, onto the main part of the story!
A month after them joining the server, a few people complained that this person would ask very basic things that are answered in the first two sentences of our “rule book.” One of my friends talked to them about it and they confessed, that they never ever read one of the files I sent them, because it was “too much to read and [they were] too lazy to read it.” That made me really angry and I told them that if they didn’t want to read the lore, they should stop bothering me with questions.
They seemed ticked off by that, but tbh, I didn’t really care. I spent hours, explaining everything… But they didn’t stop asking questions (which of course would’ve been explained in the files). That, compared with her horrible spelling, led to the disaster. They asked something in the off-play channel and I sort off snapped. I told them “would you please reread what you’retyping so we don’t have to guess what you want to say?
-.-“.
They started to cry and to defend themselves. They couldn’t do better and why would everyone pick on her all the times? They were banned from so many servers because of their spelling and how unfair we treated them.
Apparently, they never had to even try in school because their teacher let them off due to her being dyslexic.
We had a psychology student on the server as well and he talked to them, confirming that they indeed had a nervous breakdown. They even said that it happened regularly whenever someone commented on her spelling mistakes. We both somewhat half-heartedly apologized and they left the server soon after.
So, am I the jerk for causing a nervous breakdown?”
Another User Comments:
“What made this NTJ was that you spent a whole month providing detailed answers to a fellow user who didn’t even bother to read them. That’s the origin of your annoyance, and your annoyance manifested in criticism that hit them where it hurts the most. They can’t control their nervous breakdowns or their mistakes, but there are things within their control and appreciate when people are trying to help you is one of them.” OhSuketora
Another User Comments:
“‘We had a psychology student on the server as well and he talked to them, confirming that they indeed had a nervous breakdown.’
The psychology student should know that “nervous breakdown” isn’t a medical term anymore. It’s just a colloquialism now.
I’m going with NTA because you went above and beyond and they didn’t establish why they needed help.
Plus in this day and age there are text-to-speech services where you cut and paste the text and it’s read out loud to you. Plus, it’s a document.
I’m assuming they could change the font to something dyslexia friendly.” Flatline2962
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they want to do these things they need to put in the effort and do the work. You offered extra help, but you can’t spoonfeed this to them the way they want.
Being disabled is hard and it sucks that doing this is so difficult, but that doesn’t excuse their behaviour. They could still have a friend read the lore out loud to them or study it over and over.” sockmaster420
8. AITJ For Telling My Roommate Not To Bring His Partner Over?
“I (26f) recently got a new flatmate (25m), renting one of the rooms in an apartment in my name. The two other people living here are away for weeks at the time, so it’s mostly me and him (especially in the past 5 weeks).
He’s friendly and social and everything has been great for the first 3 months, we hung out and I felt comfortable hanging around the flat looking like crap, which is very important to me, as I am one of those people who recharge batteries away from social situations.
He recently got a partner, who seems nice and rents a room in a flat nearby. Even though we had all agreed to try and give one other fair warning when bringing someone home, he lets me know she’s coming over approximately 30 seconds before she arrives.
As I feel uncomfortable being the extra person in the room during date nights and snuggle time, I tend to either go out or lock myself in my room when he brings her home (she always comes over mid-week and after 9pm and I don’t love going out in the snow just to give them space).
Kitchen and living room are the same room, so I only use the bathroom and smoke out of my bedroom window.
Last week, I was on my way home from work, looking forward to taking off my bra and relaxing on the couch in front of the TV.
As I walked in he told me she was on her way over and they were going to cook and have a romantic dinner. She had already been over 3 three times during the same week, talking loudly right outside my door late at night knowing I had an early shift. So I snapped and told him “It’s okay for tonight, but this cannot be an everyday thing, next time please go to her place.” I apologized for the tone a couple minutes later, but I stood by my statement.
He wants me to be comfortable having her around the apartment, and it’s nice of him, but he also said he’d like her to stay over every night and his bed is more comfortable than hers so he’d rather have her sleep here.
I don’t want to be the jerk who tells him she cannot come over, and I am aware that there is no real issue with me looking like crap or sitting in the common areas while she’s there, but I simply don’t feel comfortable.
I didn’t rent the room to a couple because I’ve lived with couples before and it was a nightmare (it’s not nice having to third wheel every time you want to watch a movie on the couch in your own home). Obviously, he should be able to have his partner over, but it’s starting to be too often and he’s taking over the entire apartment since at this point, I’m either out or in my room.
This is the first time he’s lived in a shared flat, he’s always had his own place and that results in him not really thinking about anyone else other than himself when it comes to shared spaces. Talking to him hasn’t given any results.
I need to know: AITJ for not wanting her to come over every day or is it reasonable to say no to something that makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that you live in a shared space now goes both ways—he should be considerate, and you can’t expect him to not use shared space.
As long as it’s not to the point where she’s basically moved in (which she hasn’t) and isn’t doing anything particularly disruptive (she’s not), it’s not really fair to limit his use of the space
But, he should communicate better anyway since it’s not just his space, either
I think you’d be better off communicating with him about what you would like—for example, that you like to unwind for a bit at X time
Overall it sounds like a roommate compatibility issue more than a jerk situation.” astronautmyproblem
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs to realize that he is not being courteous at all. You say you’ve spoken to him and can’t get through, maybe talk to his partner. Explain to her that you don’t mind her being there occasionally, but it’s happening way too frequently and it’s making you very uncomfortable.
She rents a room as well, hopefully, she understands better how to be courteous in a shared living situation and will understand. Otherwise, you may need to explain to him that if he can’t keep his end of the agreement, he needs to find other accommodations.” Lyfesuxass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you need to have a meeting and establish household rules regarding having guests over. In the meantime, after the second/third night, I would hang out on my couch and watch tv even if they are there. It might make you uncomfortable but your roommate might be counting on that.
Call his bluff and enjoy your living area.” PeteyKat
I hope you find a job soon so you spend less time staring at a screen and getting a cheap thrill from trying to make people angry. I know that's addicting for you since you can't get a thrill by having someone touch you. Good luck with all that!
7. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out A Girl?
“About a week ago, a new friend of mine asked if she can sleep over at my place after she got kicked out by her mother.
She had been staying for the night at different friends’ places, never more than one night.
Scandalized by this revelation, I told her she can stay with me as long as she needs to. I had been in the exact same situation about a year ago and stayed on my best friend’s couch for about 4 days until I got the keys to my student accommodation.
I currently live in a (university) student accommodation. My personal space consists of one small room, and the girl is currently staying on a mattress. The common areas consist of a kitchen where all the other students hang out, we have shared toilets, etc. She is not a university student and in fact letting someone live with me goes against my contract.
It’s not the most comfortable living situation, I’ve never felt comfortable living here, and much less now that my personal space has been cut even more and my schedule has to take into account that I have to open the doors for this girl to come in.
Her mom already said she can go back home. The girl told me she doesn’t want to, as she “is enjoying the freedom.” She has not informed me until when she intends to squat in my room, and has no intention of helping me pay rent, she has made that clear during conversations we had.
It appears that she intends to stay here until she gets her own place with the help of social workers, which takes weeks at the minimum and more probably some months.
I only met her twice before this all happened. Thought she was going to be one of my new female best friends, but have since discovered that I don’t like her at all or spending time with her.
She is very socially awkward which often comes off as rude to my actual friends, my flatmates on the other hand like her because she’s pretty, but she is not living in their rooms. Furthermore, on the day she moved in she decided to “decorate” my room and pulled out her childhood pictures, which freaked me out immensely as even I don’t have that kind of stuff in my room.
I don’t like having her here, though it would be fun and not bother me when first talking about it as I thought it would be nice to “have a sister” to share a room with and have someone to wake me up for class, but that has not been the case as the situation actually stresses me out and I stopped liking her immediately after she moved in due to her behavior.
Am I the jerk as I did say previously that she could stay indefinitely and “your word should be your bond”, or is she the jerk for being way too comfortable and parasitic with my little room, making me uncomfortable? I feel disrespected and am not even sure if I can explain why.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ here. Whilst you were very kind to let her stay with you, I’m sure you both knew it wouldn’t be forever. It is not her place, she shouldn’t be taking over how you live your life. If she isn’t willing to pay rent, to talk to you about the whole baby photos thing, then maybe you should put your foot down and tell her she needs to move out.
She is able to move back in with her mum (which might not be ideal for her) but that’s not your problem to worry about. You haven’t known her that long either, so it’s not like you’re damaging a lifelong friendship.” Graceopher3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – situations change and she isn’t your responsibility.
It was really nice of you to let her crash at your place, when she got kicked out by her mom.
But now she seems to be taking advantage of you, even though her mom said she could come back home.
She could go back now and then arrange to move out properly from there.
Just tell her it isn’t working for you. Don’t necessarily tell her that you don’t like her, just that the situation is too stressful and you only realized that this isn’t going to work after she had moved in.
Give her a deadline.” Flummili
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you said she could stay with you that doesn’t mean she gets to make you miserable not to mention the breach of the student housing contract which could effectively make you lose your housing as well and it doesn’t sound like you have anywhere else to go if that happened.
Shouldn’t she have a job? Or be going to school as well? I’m sympathetic to getting kicked out, I was as well at one point, but it should be the wake-up call she needs to actually become independent and not living off her friends or her parents.” Coachtzu
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You shouldn’t have offered her an indefinite stay for multiple reasons (student housing, you aren’t willing to follow through with your promise, you barely knew her, etc).
She shouldn’t be continuing to stay now that her situation has been resolved. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation about how the circumstances have changed, and give her a move-out date.” BasilMaisel
6. AITJ For Cutting All Ties With A Friend?
“So Jane was a friend from HS and retail.
Goes to college in a different state. Comes back during the breaks to work. She had been going through a lot at the time (scammed by her second job and one of our friends taking a LONG time to pay back several hundred dollars). I was there for her the entire time meeting with her etc. Then out of nowhere, she mentions she has lice and that it’s the second time in less than a year.
I asked if it’s okay for her to be out esp with her hair down since it’s very long. She said it’s fine and that lice isn’t contagious unless you share a hat or comb all the time. I wasn’t the one with experience so I believed her (like an absolute fool).
Especially after her rant about how she worked at a boba shop near her campus and they shared hats and no one caught it from her. So I ignored it and hooked her up with a job at a bakery I used to work at.
Two weeks later and we’re planning to eat with some friends we made at the store we used to work at. I asked her if she got rid of the lice and she did honestly tell me that it’s still there but assures me it’s fine.
My spidey senses go off and I bug her about it until she started getting annoyed with me so I let her be while half-jokingly stating that if she gave me lice, I’d never speak to her again so she should really be sure before coming out.
It’s the day of the meet-up. She comes late because of a shift at the bakery. I see her with her hair loose and out. Since I worked at the bakery before, I know you HAVE to tie up your hair and bring your own hat for hygiene purposes.
That meant she took it off and let down her hair despite knowing she has lice. I think this might just be a habit, but I notice she leans in very close every time she talks and I try to move away without being over the top rude about it.
So the VERY next day I see a louse in my hair and panic as a full adult getting lice for the first time would. Almost have a Britney moment and in my fit of panicked rage I message her saying that I warned her what would happen if she gave me lice and proceeded to block her on every platform.
Was this a juvenile move? Yes. But I keep my word.
To be honest, I was less upset about getting lice from her and more upset about the fact that she knew she had lice, knew it was contagious, told me otherwise, and had the audacity to come out anyways.
Somehow I was the only one who got it so it may have seem like I was overreacting to the others. What sent me over the edge was that the others were asking if I was sure I got it from her and how I knew so quickly.
They were convinced that I MUST have gotten it a week or two ago from the time I met with her one-on-one. I didn’t feel like I should be the one defending myself so I didn’t although in retrospect that may have put me in a worse light.
This whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and now I’m left wondering if it was actually my fault, since I knew and I didn’t have to go to the reunion/meet up if I was that concerned. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“When you got it from her doesn’t matter.
But ESH. You say you said it half-jokingly, then went full-on serious about it. Not to mention your reaction was extreme in the first place—it’s understandable to be angry about getting lice from someone who knows they have it, but cutting her off seems a little extreme as a reason.
Another reason you suck here is that if you didn’t want to get lice, you could have just not hung out with her. Yeah, she should have been treated for it basically immediately and that’s on her, but you basically expected her not to give you lice when you were ignorant of how contagious it is.
It’s generally smart to practice better safe than sorry in lieu of taking the word of someone with lice who doesn’t even have the good sense to go to the doctor and get treated (or if she did get treated, insisting on going out and risking spreading it to others before it was gone).
Do your research on lice, don’t take what amounts to medical advice from someone who clearly has no idea what she’s talking about based on the very fact she was fine going untreated and being extremely irresponsible about tiny living organisms in her hair, and stay the heck away from her.
She’s is really really irresponsible, but you had every reason to be safe and just stay away in lack of knowledge about lice. If I go out with a friend who has a contagious condition, or something that could even possibly be contagious, we are both irresponsible and if I get that disease I can’t get mad at my friend because I got it.
Treat stuff like it’s contagious unless you know for sure otherwise. There was not a single decision described in your post that was a good, responsible decision by either party.” the_paradox_lounge
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Honestly, a minute on Google would have given you a plethora of information on lice, how it’s spread, how likely it is to catch, etc. She didn’t do her due diligence, but neither did you.
Plus, we don’t live in a time where you have to shave your head to be sure you’re rid of them. Plenty of shampoos and treatments to get the job done. Seems like a gross overreaction to me though, especially since it was your choice to still hang out with her knowing she didn’t treat it.” nothing2d0here
Another User Comments:
“How on earth didn’t you know how lice work? Good grief.
I will say ESH. Your friend is clearly having problems if she isn’t actively working to get rid of the lice on her own, but it’s also not easy to be rid of without some help – especially with long hair.
You know she’s had issues, and as a friend, you could have offered to help her. And your decision to instantly block her is childish. “Keeping your word” is a lame excuse, in my opinion.” Lexi_Banner
But I agree with everyone that you should have looked it up for yourself. As far as blocking her, you must not have considered her that good a friend
5. AITJ For Cutting Off My Grandmother?
“So, I have a grandmother on my dad’s side of the family. She seems nice, but can sometimes be a little mean. I think she may have some kind of anger issues, because she sometimes starts ranting and raving about whatever is on her mind unprovoked. Also, she’s a pretty hardcore Christian, and goes to church every time the door opens.
This makes me pretty uncomfortable, as I happen to be bi. She warned me that I would go down under and that she would want nothing to do with me if I continued but otherwise brushed it off. Also, when I was little, she took me to piano lessons, and one day, when I was complaining about wanting to quit, she said something to the effect of “well maybe Santa won’t bring you presents this year.” She and her daughter (my aunt) have also repeatedly promised to take me on a trip to Japan, one of my dreams, but always canceled it for one reason or another.
Despite all of the bad things she’s done, however, she has been a pretty good grandmother to me and my sister, always supporting us, buying us stuff, taking us out, etc, and she usually was pretty nice.
Now, about my parents. They’re pretty cool, except they can be a little witchy sometimes, and they’re not really Christians (they believe, but don’t attend church.) They have also more or less “brushed off” my relationship preferences in the same way my grandmother did.
But they’re still good people, always working to support us.
My parents and grandmother have never really liked each other that much (I think it’s because they had me out of wedlock and she didn’t approve) and were always getting into fights over this or that, which culminated one year into my father cutting ties with her, thought he still allowed us to see her.
Which brings us to recently. I’m currently finishing up college and my parents have taken on a lot of debt. Now, my grandmother has quite a bit of money, and has repeatedly stated that she had set aside some money for my education. So, I asked her if she could give me that money so we could start paying off the debt.
She got angry and refused, saying that “if giving you the money would mean helping them, then no.” So, I decided then and there to cut ties with her. Not long after that, I received a phone call from my aunt, who chided me for cutting ties, reminding me of all of the good things she’s done for me.
And so, I am now torn between the two sides. Cutting ties with my grandmother would also mean cutting ties with my aunt, which I don’t want to do because she’s really nice despite her shortcomings, but she’s basically my grandmother’s lap dog.
(She’s always favored her over my father because she became a successful doctor, unlike my father who didn’t even go to college.) However, I can’t forgive what my grandmother has done to my parents, and can’t handle her craziness. So, am I the jerk for cutting ties?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You sound SO judgmental. You clearly come by it honestly because you’re describing all these judgey people. There is so much name-calling in this.
You cut ties because someone won’t give you a gift.
You are letting family members drag you back and forth.
Grandma is being spiteful, dad is being spiteful… golly y’all seem so dysfunctional.” Apotheuncary
Another User Comments:
“I’ll say NTJ but I’m not sure if that is entirely accurate. Cut ties with her if you want but do it for valid reasons. I.e. Hating on you being bi.
She doesn’t owe you any money or trips. Going back on promises of going on trips is a jerk thing to do but things happen/plans change. Just stop getting excited when she makes a promise like that, she might notice.
However, has she gone to Japan recently and not taken you?” ScubaFett
4. AITJ For Forgetting The Plans I Made With A Friend?
“I (21F) met her (24F) at a youth fellowship at the start of the new academic year; I had just transferred here for my final year, she had been here her entire course.
We started attending the fellowship every Friday – normally she texts me earlier in the week to check if I want to put my name down for the carpool list and we make plans from there, it’s kinda a habit to expect her text asking whether I’m “going this Friday” now.
Now, normally the fellowship has dinner together before Bible study where everyone splits the bill and it’s honestly the highlight of my week after Sunday afternoons where I go out to lunch with the same friend. Since the new year, however, they’ve omitted the dinner part and it’s just plain old Bible study, which I have to admit loses a lot of my interest. Another fact that will become relevant soon is that I have a competition this Saturday starting 8.30am (the fellowship meetings usually end at 10pm and it’s close to 11pm when I get home after carpooling and everything).
I was meeting with my teammates for a final prep session on Friday afternoon. Neither of this I’ve told her, it just never came up.
So she texts me again and this time I text her back to see if she’s going; we missed the previous two weeks because one of us was busy and the other decided might as well skip then.
She says she is, I then explain the competition thing and that I might have to miss this week’s but to tell the fellowship I’ll be there next week.
She simply replies “ok.”
It’s not uncommon for her to give short replies, this one was just…
a bit too short. I follow up by asking whether she plans to eat dinner at home before heading to the carpool meetup location, she says “probably.” I then suggest we can grab dinner nearby as it’s within walking distance of both the library where I’m prepping with my team and the carpool meetup, but I’m okay with whatever she decides.
She leaves me on seen.
I spend the next hour glancing at my notif-free phone while doing schoolwork until it hits me that the previous Sunday we’d run into someone from the fellowship who said they missed seeing us and hoped we could make it this week.
It was a brief five-minute interaction and I remember we did talk about getting dinner together before the fellowship, but with everything that’s happened this week, I had no memory of it until now. After some agonizing text drafting, I finally text her asking her to text me back when she’s available so I can call her; the message is delivered but not read, so she’s offline.
I wouldn’t have thought much about this had she not told me off the same Sunday mentioned above for biking recklessly on the main road after I’d forgotten to wait at a crossroads and ridden ahead as a car rounded the corner and narrowly missed me.
Now I’m worried she thinks of me as a forgetful and dismissive friend on top of being irresponsible. On the other hand, both of us have had turns before at changing Friday night plans after originally intending to go to fellowship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She had an opportunity to remind you of the plans you had made yet she just said “ok” and left you on read. People forget things sometimes and it doesn’t mean you are a jerk. She should have reminded you when you were discussing it.” Virulencer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she seems high maintenance and controlling. Nice when people show their true colors early at least.” ingodwetryst
3. AITJ For Taking A Lot Of Naps?
“Student in my first semester of college living in a dorm with roommate J.
J sought me out a few months before college began, she thought we could be roommates.
Move-in day, we were BFFs, but as the 1st week progressed I noticed her acting strange.
I brought a new friend to my dorm when J was there. After my friend and I left, my friend said “YOU are J’s roommate? We went to the same high school, I know her from home.
She told me her roommate is weird; I expected someone actually weird.”
This explained why J seemed off, she thought I was weird, but I didn’t know why. I went to class, went out weekends and came back when J was asleep w/o being loud.
I had friends I was with a lot of the time, I was clean.
I have 4 classes throughout the day (8-9, 11-12, 2-3, 5-7). Between them, I make the 15 min walk back to my dorm and lay in bed. J doesn’t have her first class until 2 pm.
By the time I get back at 12, J is still in bed. I am cautious about being loud in the mornings while she is asleep, I don’t turn on lights, I either use the sunlight or go in the bathroom to get ready, I’m quiet with drawers, I spray my perfume in the hallway.
J wakes up for her day when I get back around noon. I noticed that I would lay down for a nap/close the blinds, while she would get up/turn on lights/heat up food. One day I had not slept the night before because I was uncomfortable (J likes our room at 70 degrees and I like it at 60, we “compromise” and keep it at 70) and I was sick of her doing this, so I told her how disrespectful it was.
Her response: “You sleep ALL THE TIME. Am I not allowed to be in my room?”
I know it must be annoying to only ever see me napping, but she sleeps through me going to class, coming back, and going again. If I respect her sleep, she should respect mine.
We had a discussion with the RA about it who said J was only allowed to turn on 1 light while I was trying to nap, but of course, J always turns on the brightest one and opens the blinds.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep.
I left at 7:30 for class, went to the library, went to my second class, and got back to my dorm at 12:30, exhausted. As I laid down, J got out of bed, turning on the overhead light, opening the blinds, shuffling through her drawers, and microwaving popcorn.
J and I do not talk, we haven’t in a few weeks, and her temper scares me enough to not confront her (except for the time I did, which proves my point). Every morning when I wake up at 7 I want to turn on the lights, open the blinds, and be loud so she gets the same treatment I do, but I feel like I’m not that mean- also I’m worried about her backlash.
My friends/family side with me saying that I should be allowed to nap in my own room. They think J doesn’t like having a roommate in general, so she nitpicks over small things. J’s family/friends side with her, saying it isn’t fair of me to be angry about her going about her daily life in the middle of the afternoon.
So, AITJ for taking naps in my dorm room during the day?
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’ve been both of you before, with the same roommate in two separate situations. My roommate is still my best friend though cuz we worked through it:
Get an eye mask and a fan, plus earplugs if necessary.
Direct the fan towards you at night, boom, colder. Plus, the sound of the fan can block out noise from roommates and vice versa. Eye mask for when she’s up, cuz you don’t necessarily have to wear it overnight, just during naps.
You guys have different sleep schedules and that can suck, but it’s entirely possible to be respectful of each other while the other person is sleeping.
It’s ok for you to nap, it’s ok for her to sleep in.
Meanwhile, sometimes one person has to turn on a light. However, this should always be understood as TEMPORARY if the other person is sleeping.
So, she sucks for turning on the lights and keeping them there, but you’re TJ for expecting her not to have any light to get ready.” SometimesSmarmy
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ because of your roommate’s attitude and passive-aggressiveness.
However, she shouldn’t have to behave like quiet hours are 24-7. You have every right to nap in your own room, but she also has the right to be in her own room and go about her daily business even if that means making a bit of noise or turning a light on.
She should be considerate and try not to make excessive noise or turn on unnecessary lights, but you should also invest in a sleep mask and earplugs so she doesn’t feel like she’s tiptoeing past a hibernating bear all day.
Also, I can empathize with your roommate because I also like to keep the thermostat at 70, but common sense and basic empathy says you should compromise at 65, not 70.” dixiecup3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she sounds very rude. FYI, 7am is not early, you should be allowed to turn on one light, as she is also permitted to make food and get ready. Though she sounds petty and will probably retaliate. I honestly suggest investing in good ear plugs and a thick blindfold, if you aren’t interested in switching roommates.
You might wanna see if you are permitted to construct a plastic PVC pipe canopy to block sunlight with curtains around your bed if things get really desperate.” ScarecrowsDelight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my roommate used to do the exact same things, right down to the heating issue.
I realized that there was nothing I could do to fix it, so I just decided to switch to another room, as she couldn’t be reasoned with. Your roommate sounds like she has little to no respect for you or the fact that you live there too.
Sorry, you have to deal with that, I hope it gets better.” autumn_buchholz
2. AITJ For Not Allowing My Roommate To Bring Friends Over?
“My roommate (21 F) and I (21 F) are university students and live in a dorm on campus. I’ll call her Jane.
Jane recently had her birthday, and she turned 21, so it was a big one. Because of our schedules, we don’t see each other a ton, as I go to bed early (10pm ish) and wake up early (5:30am – 6:30am), and she goes to bed late (12am – 1am) and wakes up late (9am – 10am).
This hasn’t been a problem in the past, we’re both good at being quiet and using lamps instead of overhead lights when someone else is sleeping.
Anyways, Jane’s birthday was on a Tuesday, so we had classes. I woke up early as usual and left a present and card on her desk, knowing that I probably wouldn’t see her at all that day because of our different schedules.
I texted her happy birthday during the day too and made sure she was having a good day.
After classes and work, I got to the room at about 8pm. The room was empty so I assumed Jane was out at bars or something with her friends (Jane and I are not really friends so I wasn’t offended that I wasn’t invited. Even if she had invited me, I would’ve had to say no because of my work shift).
I was dead tired and knew I would have to wake up early the next day, so I immediately got ready for bed and fell asleep around 8:30pm.
Around 9pm, I was shaken awake. In my groggy state, I suddenly recognized Jane and like four strangers behind her, all watching me sleep.
I (not so nicely) asked her what the heck was going on, she said something along the lines of “You have to leave, no one is asleep by 9pm, it’s my birthday, we need to drink in here.” I told her that there are many places—such as bars—for her and her friends to hang out, but that this was literally the only place I could sleep.
Jane replies “Yeah, but we’re going to bars later, not now.” I suggested any of the four lounges in our building, she said they couldn’t because they’re not allowed to drink in public. I suggested one of her other friends’ rooms, she said that she preferred ours because it was bigger.
Eventually I grumpily said “I don’t know what to tell you, I need to sleep” and promptly turned over to sleep. I heard her grumbling to her friends but eventually she turned off the light and left and I fell back asleep immediately.
When I woke up I thought about what had happened and felt guilty.
Jane hadn’t warned me that she wanted to have a party with her friends on a Tuesday night in our dorm, but I also didn’t warn her I was going to sleep early. On the other hand, maybe I should’ve assumed she’d want the room because it was her birthday?
I am not sure. Additionally, I don’t like Jane personally for other reasons (messiness, calling me ugly on occasion, making fun of my major/job, etc), so I am worried that my dislike for her clouded my judgement and I was not the nicest person I could’ve been.
AITJ?
Some additional info:
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I still live with her because it’s only for a year, and I feel like—especially with my busy schedule—it would be a hassle to request a roommate switch, considering I’m not in the room for most of the day anyways.
-
My dorm’s quiet hours do start at 9pm on weeknights.
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I got her a gift because I feel like a lot of her mean behavior comes from being insecure (some things she does, like saying stuff like “oh, you’re taking X math course?
Well I’m taking Y math course, which is at a higher level, so you can’t complain about your workload because my schedule is much harder” makes me think this) and maybe a “kill it with kindness” approach will make her feel better and bleed into her actions, making the situation better for everyone involved?
This may be naive – I’m not sure, as a college student I feel like I’m still learning social/emotional conventions. In this way, I’m glad for my roommate even though we don’t get along, because the situation is teaching me how to deal with a myriad of social situations I otherwise would not have encountered, which will give me clarity for future interactions in my adult life when it counts more.
I just wasn’t sure about how a majority of people would’ve reacted in this situation, but now I know, so thank you everyone!
-
Additionally, I figured we’re only living together for one year, she’ll only have a birthday once in that time, she’s a human and humans like feeling special on their birthdays, so as someone who sees her every day if there’s something I can do to contribute to her having a good day I will do it.
The gift I got her was small: wrote a card and got her a gift card good for about two meals at her favorite restaurant.
That being said, I think it’s clear that we both need to communicate better going forward in order to end the semester without being at each others’ throats.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Here are alternatives; she could have asked you sooner, or told you. She could do what other students on the DL do and put booze in non-booze containers for lounge areas (it’s risky but so is drinking in the dorms, especially if anyone isn’t 21), she could have had drinks in the room but kept it quiet (it’s 9pm and again, drinking in dorms has to be on the DL anyways).
How much was she thinking she was going to be able to pregame before she’s wasted? If the goal is to have more space to chill and not the drinking, she was probably being fussy and there was slightly more leg room in your room but she had other options.
If she had 4 strangers with her, they had other places, she was probably being lazy.
This is kind of a good lesson for her too. People are more likely to be accommodating if you aren’t rude to them; you got her a gift, sent her a text, and even with the dislike were courteous.
You don’t have to find another place to sleep and sleep is a need, partying and socializing is a preference-based thing that can happen in other places. People have been turning 21 and not drinking in dorm rooms since the start of them, or finding covert ways to do it.
You’re not crapping on her birthday for needing to sleep in your bed.” italkwhenimnervous
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are plenty of places to drink without disturbing someone who is sleeping. That was super rude of her.
True story: I went out drinking one night with my friends and was falling down, slobbering, stupid intoxicated by like 11 p.m. (LOL, Freshman, what ya gonna do?).
So my roommates made sure I had my keys, money and ID and pointed me toward our dorm, sent me home. I stumbled home by myself, made it just fine. I had fallen earlier, so when I got to my floor, there were some girls who spotted intoxicated me with my skinned knees and palms (that HURT the next day, let me tell you).
They snagged me, cleaned my wounds, slapped bandaids on me, and then “borrowed” my (fake) ID and went out. They left me sleeping in the bed of a roommate who wasn’t in town that weekend.
I woke up at 5 a.m. and had to heave.
I went to the bathroom, vomited, and then wandered on back to my own room. Unbeknownst to me, my roomies had run into some old friends (?) or something, anyway, imagine my surprise to find a guy sleeping in my bed. I wasn’t going to kick him out, it’s 5 a.m. and he’s sleeping and I just want to go back to sleep.
So I slip in the bed, head to feet (in the opposite direction as him), and shove him over and go back to sleep. Now imagine his surprise when he wakes up in the all girls’ quiet-study dorm to find the lost roommate has found her way home and is now sleeping with him.
We got up, introduced ourselves, and everyone went over to the dining hall for breakfast together.
Good times.” Dogzillas_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My roommate and I (two 19-year-olds in one dorm room with two beds) have had issues with sharing the space too even though we’re best friends.
It’s even harder when you’re not friends or don’t even like the person.
You just have to put down mutually agreed upon rules so that issues don’t happen.
Like for us, we’ve agreed that ppl can only be kicked out of the room for drinking, etc if we talk about it in advance (at least like 24hr) AND if the other person doesn’t have something that takes precedence (tests to study for, need to get up unusually early the next day).
We agreed that for the importance of studying, people doing homework can be kicked out, but people studying for tests can’t.
It’s worked out aight so far but we’ve def had occasional fights throughout the year.
Either way, in my opinion, if she wanted the room for drinking she should have at the very least asked you about it prior to coming into the room that night.
Using the room for things other than sleeping or really important studying is a privilege, not a right!” al-sal-13
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You could either eat the loss of sleep for one day of the year that your roommate wants to be inconsiderate as repayment for all of the time she’s been considerate, or just go back to sleep and tell them don’t worry about you, in which case your sleep will be crappier obviously, but again, you eat it.
Jane on the other hand should have made you aware ahead of time, so she’s not exactly free of blame too.” Sportzboytjw
1. AITJ For Storming Away From My Partner?
“So this just happened less than an hour ago, I (F 22) spend maybe 1 or 2 days at my partner’s (M 23) house since he works full time and I am a full-time student.
I am also the main caretaker for my family as my dad got into a very bad car accident months ago and still is recovering, he is home full time while my mother works from 4am to roughly 6pm. We also own a lot of animals that need constant upkeep and care, which I do myself.
As a student I have multiple projects, assignments, and midterms to worry about which all happen within 3 weeks, so to say I’m stressed is an understatement. Well I go over my partner’s house (Now referred to as Bf) as a way to relax from my stressful situation, he has a relatively easy schedule, he works around 25-30 hours a week, which is still a lot but that’s his only responsibility besides basic housework which he splits with his roommate.
Well, today, as I went over we decided to do some grocery shopping, we had essentially picked up everything we needed and were about to pay when we ran into a mutual friend M. The conversation was light and playful and just overall great until My partner brought up the topic of work, he began complaining about how difficult and stressful his job is (which I agree with) and M began doing the same about his own job.
M eventually asked me if I was working which I don’t and brought up that I’m just a full-time student currently. This led my partner to start making multiple jokes about how lazy I am and how he wishes he could have a life as easy as mine.
I just sorta laughed along with it but you could tell that the entire conversation got very awkward after that. We eventually pay for everything and leave.
Now here’s where I may have been a jerk, because once we got back to his house I brought up how uncomfortable and somewhat offended I was about the jokes he had made about me, and even brought up how he of all people should know that even though I don’t work I still have a number of responsibilities that constantly need to be up kept (he is very much aware of my current situation).
He just kept defending his argument saying that I didn’t know what real stress was until I worked a full-time job and how I was lazy for not working and only going to school. I eventually got tired of hearing it so I just yelled out, “I wish I could only work 30 hours a week!
Even on my easiest weeks, I have hours worth of school work every night, not to mention cooking and cleaning and taking care of my dad full time! I wish I was getting paid for my work but I’m not. So until you deal with all the crap I’m going through I don’t even want to hear you bringing up how lazy I am!” After that, I immediately left his house and have been ignoring his messages.
I need to know if I AITJ in this situation, so thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I will stipulate that I get you were stressed angry and hurt. But you never need to yell at someone. Yelling will never, under any circumstances get someone to see your point of view.
Not saying you have to be even keel all the time, but it’s good to practice communication when you are stressed out, so you can always get your point across and have the best odds of being heard.
Also the silent treatment is childish game playing.
It solves nothing, it needlessly escalates situations, it punishes no one, and it proves no point. It’s a stupid game that will win you a stupid prize.
That being said, your partner has shown you the level of respect he has for you. How you react moving forward is up to you, but you now KNOW where you stand with him.
So I would have a talk with him, say the things you need to say and then let him respond, so you can see if he sees he was wrong, or if he will stick to his guns that you are second class compared to him.
When doing the math of staying in a relationship or not, you need to make sure you don’t make the biggest mistake dumb dumbs make.
Love isn’t special, it’s not a positive, it’s not a tick in the pro column, love is a basic requirement for a relationship to exist. If something has to be present for the relationship to exist, you are not allowed to use it in the decision-making proccess.
You literally HAVE to love, every single person you ever enter into a long-term committed relationship with. If you don’t love them, there would be no relationship. Rendering love meaningless in the decision-making process.
So have a calm discussion, express yourself well, listen to his response, don’t play games, and keep a level head.
You need to take in a lot of data to make sure you are making the right choice.
If after that discussion, you feel heard, respected, and that he had a misstep that he has accepted and understood. Then I would say you are good to go.
If after that discussion, you don’t feel heard, respected and that he feels his life has more value and stress than yours despite the fact that that is not true. Then you have another decision to make.
So NTJ, but you are also playing childish games with the silent treatment, and at your age, its time to move forward and be better.” Mindtaker
Another User Comments:
“ESH. He shouldn’t downplay what you’re going through but you don’t know what all he deals with at work. The animals should probably be rehomed if taking care of so many stresses you out and the situation with your father is temporary.
Until your father had the wreck, you only had school and the animals. You’re both being crappy to each other having a contest over who has more stress.” TasteTheGraveyard
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