People Are Ready To Put Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories Behind Them
22. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Play With Her Rough Cousin?
“My husband (28M) and I (30F) have 2 kids (11M) (3F). Every Memorial weekend we gather at his family’s place for a weekend of family bonding 3-day events.
We stay close by, so there’s no reason to ever stay over. Family members gather from all over and stay between his grandparents’ and parents’ homes.
My son loves this time of bonding so he usually stays the whole weekend. No problem, he can advocate for himself when dealing with his cousins.
One of said cousins happens to be a 13-year-old girl with an intellectual disability obsessed with playing with my daughter. I have no issues with that besides the fact that the 13-year-old plays entirely too rough and I don’t believe she completely grasps the fact that my daughter is a real person and not a toy.
Dad and I are super helicopter parents during this time because nobody else seems to see the problem with this, she constantly tries to pick her up or give piggyback rides, pulling my daughter by her arms to “make” her jump in the air.
My daughter wasn’t prepared to be lifted this weekend and while coming down landed on her butt.
I completely cut play time with them, well tried as the 13yo does not listen whatsoever. Her parents don’t say anything concerning her behavior until after I have to become slightly firm. And then she’ll listen for maybe 4 minutes max, then back to harassing my daughter.
So I didn’t allow my daughter to stay this weekend, family members were saying we were overreacting, but I feel like my daughter’s safety is the only concern. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are correct to protect your daughter. An undisciplined teenager who lacks insight into the effect of their behavior on others is absolutely a risk to your smaller child’s health and safety.
Appeasing your relatives at the expense of your daughter’s well-being is never a good idea. Keep your boundaries. NTJ, at all!” stephnetkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The 13-year-old can absolutely be taught appropriate behavior with younger children and should be taught. But that is not your responsibility.
Yours is toward your daughter. No one is entitled to her presence at their event, especially if you deem it risky.” Holiday_Trainer_2657
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter’s safety is your highest concern. Even a child with an intellectual disability needs to be disciplined to help them to learn what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior and it sounds like the 13yo has not had this at all.
It sounds like it is time to limit your daughter’s contact with this child until the parents provide proper supervision or discipline to minimize the harm that she will cause (not might as she will eventually hurt someone badly if she is not taught appropriate interactions).” Humble_Scarcity1195
21. AITJ For My Response To My Husband's Dishwasher Question While Working From Home?
“My husband (29m) & I (29f) got into an argument this morning over the dishwasher… I WFH as a product manager for a software company. 50% of my time is dedicated to product demos after we announced a huge partnership. My husband is unemployed but is in school & he graduates next quarter.
Today he brought me Chipotle for lunch & I was eating it at my desk. He sat with me in my office for a while & we made an inquiry call to a property management company to take over our out-of-state rental when our current tenant moves out.
When I was done eating, I handed him my plate and we went about our separate business for the day. I was preparing for Friday’s demo. About 10 minutes later, I hear him holler from the kitchen but didn’t hear what he said, so I replied “What?” He responded “Is the dishwasher clean?” I said “I don’t know what’s the light say?” (there’s a blue indicator light when they’re clean) and he said there was no light… So, I walk out to the kitchen and he’s extremely frustrated. This totally caught me off guard.
He told me I had no reason to be upset because he was just asking me about the dishwasher and a simple yes or no would have been fine. I said I didn’t know, that’s why I came out here to take a look and I wasn’t upset?!
He’s acknowledged I came out with no attitude or hostility but said the damage was already done, he was angered by my initial tone. I tried to explain that maybe it came across that way because we’re several rooms apart yelling back and forth and I was preparing for a demo Friday, so maybe I had a hard time mentally switching gears while focused. Ultimately, I still said I’m sorry I never want to make him feel bad & I’ll work on my tone.
I understand we may not always be aware of how our tone is perceived by others.
I suggested a solution for future communication that instead of assuming I’m upset, he asks me if everything’s OK, or if I’m busy. He shut that down and told me the best solution is me having a good tone with him all the time despite whatever I have going on.
I said that’s not really realistic… communication would go a long way here.
He then starts going on about how he was just in my office and I wasn’t even doing anything. I again explained I was on lunch & after handing him my plate, I went back to work.
This isn’t the first time he’s made comments like this about my work and I’ve asked him to stop. He has no idea what I do all day. Just because I’m home when you’re home doesn’t mean I’m available. Nor does it mean I’m not busy all day if you see me on a break, or on lunch.
I was hoping for some acknowledgment because I’ve asked him to stop making assumptions like this about my work and availability. I received no acknowledgment. He left angry. I feel defeated and am so mentally drained.”
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. Sounds like a normal argument between a married couple.
Lol. Sometimes people get annoyed with each other due to very tiny things. I learned that working from home is not always the best thing. It reminds me of the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra begs for him to work from home and ends up regretting it later.” Sal_My2Cents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why couldn’t he actually check the dishes in the dishwasher? He had to ask you, forcing you to stop whatever you were doing – you ended up doing the mental (and physical) work of figuring out whether or not the dishes were clean…That’s weaponized incompetence.
I’m not sure about the rest of your relationship dynamic and I’m not trying to read too far into it… but it could have also been a way of him having a power trip.” LogicalTrack8073
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and why do I have the feeling that he definitely harbors resentment for the fact that you are the provider?… Maybe because of the fact that he is very dismissive of your work and says that you’re actually not doing anything?
His resentment is a bit too obvious and it spills over the rest of your lives together. This is not an issue about your tone, and he knows it too well. I think it’s time you have a conversation about his behavior towards you in general and the way he dismisses your work claiming that you don’t do anything.
It’s time to ask him just how much resentment does he hold against you and see how you can overcome this. He needs to tone it down a bit and show some respect and gratitude to the person who allows him to be a stay-at-home-husband and go to school.” Accomplished_ways777
20. AITJ For Refusing To Teach My Foster Sister Spanish When I Don't Speak It?
“Ok, so I recently got moved to a new foster family and they’re pretty cool mostly. They have 3 kids already, 2 bio, one also a foster. I get along with 2/3, one 17F and one 14M.
The one I don’t get along with is Penny, 15F. She keeps speaking Spanish to me.
I do not speak Spanish.
I don’t know why she thinks I do. I speak Portuguese, Urdu, English, and some German, but not Spanish. For some reason, when she found out I’d be getting moved in, she was very excited to have someone to practice Spanish with.
The issue is, she refuses to speak to me in ANY other language! I do not speak Spanish. There’s overlap so I can get the gist sometimes but she’s learning like classical Spanish with very bad pronunciation, while I know a version from my mum, spending the first 5ish years of my life in Maranhao.
Half the time I don’t know what she’s saying, it just sounds like a garbled version of Portuguese, like I should know what she’s saying but not quite. The other day she asked me to please help her learn. I told her I can’t help her learn because I don’t know Spanish.
She told me that she knows Spanish is extremely similar to Portuguese so I should be able to teach her some.
My foster parents agree with her, and the dad started talking about phonology and how Portuguese has all the tones of Spanish and more stuff I didn’t quite understand.
I don’t know, they let it go when I refused but Penny is calling me a jerk for not doing this one thing for my new family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds more like ignorance from the foster parents than Penny. She was probably told you could help her with her Spanish before you moved in.
That is an eclectic mix of languages you speak. I speak Spanish, and I’ve tried learning Portuguese but I keep slipping into Spanish. You are right. There are big differences between Spanish and Portuguese. They are certainly not the same. I think your best bet is to try and educate your foster parents.” Dalton402
Another User Comments:
“If these languages are “extremely similar” speak to her in Portuguese. After all, they are “practically all the same” and it is the language you know. My mother speaks 7 languages fluently. This totally amazes me, but when I mentioned this to my MIL, she merely said, “Well, those European languages are all almost the same.
If you speak one, you can speak them all.” Yeah, like French is so similar to Russian and Hungarian and English, etc. You just can’t argue with this kind of ignorance.” Maximum-Swan-1009
19. AITJ For Wanting To Limit My Help For My Neighbors?
“I moved into my partner’s house last year.
We live next door to an older couple. The wife asked us to help with small stuff around their house and of course it was no problem for us to help.
My partner initially offered to help drive them to appointments, but he goes into the office 3 days a week and will not change his schedule.
He is a creature of habit. I mostly WFH, so I have more flexibility with my hours, so I have been helping with driving them about 95% of the time. So if they have a doctor’s appointment, I’ll get up at the same time as my partner, but then because I start work later, I’ll work until much later in the evening.
I think I am resentful of my partner here because he gets home around 6 pm and plays video games, watches TV, and can relax. Meanwhile, I finish work around 9-10 pm these days, then I have to scurry to make us dinner, care for our animals, and do chores before I can go to bed.
The time commitment and unpredictability of when they need me are making it hard for me to plan my work meetings and also my personal time. For example, they might say they need me from 10 am to noon on Thursday, but then Thursday comes, and at 9:50 am they’ll say actually they forgot to tell me they don’t need me until 3 pm.
So then I last minute have to rearrange my whole day. Or they might estimate they need me for 2 hours, but in reality, it’s more like 4-5 hours. I understand life and appointments are not predictable but this is happening quite often that their plans change last minute.
I also feel bad when I help them because the wife always makes what I perceive to be rude/unnecessary comments to me. For example, a little comment when she sees me at their door instead of my partner, who she is always saying she wishes was there instead.
Or she will make comments about how my partner is such a hard worker and he’s so great for working hard to put a roof over my head (but little does she know that my earnings are 6x that of my partner’s, I work twice as many hours as him, and without me, he wouldn’t be able to afford his mortgage).
It seems obvious to me based on our jobs so I sometimes feel it comes from sexism on her part.
She has made comments before about how she sees him doing yard work but I should be the one to do that stuff if he is the one letting me live in his house (again, I pay the bulk of mortgage and bills).
She says I stress her out on errands and rush her through the store when she wants to take a break and do a sit-down lunch. I can’t do stuff like this because I usually am on a time crunch and don’t want to be late for a work meeting during the weekdays.
I have thought about telling them I can only help them on weekends, but my partner thinks that would make me a jerk because typically they need me for errands during the week so weekend time doesn’t really help them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They don’t need you; they find you convenient. You’re treating them as if they were family rather than strangers who happen to live near you. It’s past time for their own family to step up. A few small favors were fine, but it never should have evolved into a regular thing.
They’re adults and are responsible for themselves. They’re neither paying you nor showing real gratitude. You need to discover that your WFH has gotten busy enough to prevent you from providing any further help.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These are your neighbors, not minor children under your care.
You have no obligation to them and any assistance that you provide is a kindness. You have every right to say no when a time doesn’t work for you or when something planned is changed without notice. You also have every right to correct her rudeness or simply tell her that she is being rude.
If they don’t like what you are willing to offer, they have the right to find other options like Uber, or use whatever services are available in your area, or wait until your partner is available to assist them.” latents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your neighbors are a problem that the other commenters have covered, so I want to point out that you also have a partner problem. HE volunteered to help them and then left all the work in your lap. If your workday is starting later to do this task that HE insists on, then why are you the one making dinner and doing chores late into the night while he plays video games?
On the days you have to work late to help them, he should have dinner ready for you. You also shouldn’t be paying the majority of his mortgage. And I guarantee that your neighbor thinks your partner is supporting you because he is happy to lap up praise from her without correcting her when you aren’t there.” Appropriate-Bar-2822
18. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend's Fiancé For His Expensive Tastes She Can't Afford?
“My friend (29F) and her fiancé (30M) have been together for 3 years, and they split all their bills. But my friend is an elementary school teacher earning poverty wages, while her fiancé is a software engineer earning 7x what she makes.
He has expensive tastes and always prefers to eat out at fine dining establishments.
She cannot afford to split the bill, so she will eat McDonald’s or snacks beforehand, and then only order a side salad or soup. Or she will just order a side salad and go hungry because she can’t afford anything else, but he insists on expensive restaurants.
He always pokes fun at her eating salads. He mentioned it to our friend group at a party and joked that women are always eating salads to watch their weight. I commented that my friend doesn’t eat because she can’t afford his expensive restaurant tastes, as a woman in poverty, and it’s his fault she goes without.
He was shocked at this, and it caused a disturbance. My friend was outraged that I embarrassed them in front of people. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Is he really that dense that he didn’t realize she was eating at McDonald’s before going to the fancy restaurant?
I’m sorry but scenarios like this have to happen for dense people like him to realize that it’s not ok to do that to their partner. Your friend may be mad at you now, but what she’s doing is settling for less just because she has a man, she should have put her big girl pants on and had a direct conversation with Mr. Airhead over there.
Both your friend and her fiancé better think of going to couples counseling or at least work on their communication more before they get married. Seriously who treats their fiancé like that? Also NTJ. It’s hard, but you’re doing her a favor.” ExpertPaint430
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your friend was outraged at what you said. You either don’t understand what is actually going on in their relationship or you overstepped and shared something she didn’t want shared. Either way, it isn’t your place to shame someone’s partner in public with no understanding of your friend’s position.
Not everything has to be a public display, if you’re genuinely concerned about the situation start by talking to your friend about how you might help. This isn’t a reality show.” Thorazine_Chaser
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – While you were defending your friend and your intentions were not jerkish, choosing to call him out in front of your entire friend group without considering if that is what your friend wanted or needed was self-centered. He is also a jerk for making fun of what his fiancée eats and being financially controlling (or at the very least oblivious).
Approaching situations like this requires thoughtfulness because you never know if it is just cluelessness or a deeper issue. There can be situations where publicly embarrassing someone who holds more power in a relationship like you did, can cause them to lash out to the other in private.” technobotanica
17. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Nephew After Being Treated Poorly?
“I (m18) left my job in May of 2024 due to family reasons.
Now I’m number 10 out of 11 of my mum and stepdad’s kids meaning I’m the second youngest. My mum has 8 kids, 4 of the oldest kids have the same dad. One has his own dad and two of my sisters and I share the same dad. I’m the middle out of us three and the only boy.
My sister (22) had a baby last year (m1). The baby daddy isn’t great at all. Refusing to watch him etc.
Since I left my job a few of my older siblings have used this to their advantage getting me to babysit and do small tasks.
When my sister went back to work she needed a babysitter. My older sister who is pregnant was doing it. Now that my sister is too far along (8 months), she can’t do it anymore.
I agreed to watch my nephew 3 times a week. For 7 hours at a time.
I originally didn’t have an issue with this as I was at home a lot.
Just this Friday I was asked to do something for my brother at his apartment. My sister would stay there till I got there.
I don’t go out with my friends or my partner a lot so on Friday I was out with my partner.
My sister called and started shouting at me. I said I’ll be there in an hour. As I was on my way there she called me again shouting at me.
As I got there she was nowhere to be seen. I went back up and went into his apartment and sat on the sofa whilst the electrician was doing his job.
After 10 minutes he was done and I left.
On Saturday my sister ignored me and didn’t speak to me.
Come Sunday she calls my phone again to shout at me. I said “I’m done, find someone else to babysit,” and hung up on her.
She called me selfish and a horrible uncle. I love my nieces and nephews dearly so this hurt me.
Monday comes around and I hadn’t heard from her. She called me at 11:00 am. I ignored it.
She texted me “are you having him or not” to which I ignored.
She calls our mum and starts talking negatively about me. I just ignore it, I’m not confrontational at all. I don’t like drama or anything.
I have asked my other siblings what to do and they said I should apologize, and made it clear they’re on her side.
My oldest brother is in agreement with me and said it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t have to apologize.
Now I’m putting this up because I’m stuck.
Am I the jerk or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My opinion is if you can’t juggle kids then you shouldn’t have them.
What you were doing was helpful and you got treated poorly. My sister found out my mother and I had a week off (I live with my mom) and she started hinting over the phone about us taking them for the week. I told her we would for $800.
We cover all expenses, all food, all travel costs, and I dared her to find a caretaker for an entire week of 24/7 childcare who’d do it for that. Stopped that nonsense in its tracks.” Mister-Vulva
Another User Comments:
“It’s always difficult to balance your own needs and desires and those of your family and circles.
However, even if you have time, it’s still your time. You should be getting something out of the transaction. If not money, then recognition and appreciation. What’s the benefit for you in this? Perhaps this is a question you need to ask your sister. You’re providing a service.
And while you’re happy to provide it, there’s still the question: what’s in it for you? If she can’t speak to you with respect or can’t manage her stress levels enough to talk to you peacefully, then you’re justified in staying low contact. Yep, there’s always a price.
You’re gonna get grief from some of your family who’s gotten used to using you in this manner. Emotional blackmail is easy for family members. But living a low-stress life takes acting with intention. NTJ.” jait
16. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Father's Day With My Stepfather Instead Of My Dad?
“My parents divorced 10 years ago. My mom got remarried 8 years ago. For the last 3 years, I (17M) have lived with my dad and I spend one weekend a month at my mom’s house.
Before that, it was 50/50. But regardless of the custody split, I always spent Mother’s Day with my mom and Father’s Day with my dad. That didn’t change just because she got remarried. But this year my mom is planning a special day out for my stepfather and he wants me to spend Father’s Day with him/them, which includes my four half-siblings.
I said no.
My stepfather told me I always spend Father’s Day with my dad and I live with him now, and hardly ever see him and my mom, and this is a big year because it’s the first year with our “completed family.” The last one before I’m finished high school and I should invest in time with my family but especially him, because I never let him in as a second dad and always treat him like he’s just my mom’s husband.
He went on and on about how much he wants to connect with me and to feel like I appreciate him as a fatherly presence in my life. He told me the day would be fun too so it’s not like he’s dragging me fishing or to sit watching paint dry.
He told me I could easily celebrate both of them, just on different days, and my dad’s plans are always easier to do another day but this special day out relies on certain Father’s Day activities. I kept saying no. I didn’t reconsider at any point.
My mom asked me to do it for just this one year. She told me it meant so much to my stepfather. I told her I wanted to be with my dad on Father’s Day.
When my stepfather asked me again I told him I won’t spend Father’s Day with him over my dad and he needs to accept that because my mind is not changing.
He told me being so absolute about this is not showing me in a very good light right now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Do you have to go to your mom’s house once a month? I think you need to have a private conversation with your mom and tell her that you have a dad and that is her 1st husband and not her 2nd.
Just because she changed husbands doesn’t mean you change dads. You go less often to her house because you don’t get along so well with her husband already, forcing the issue could have consequences.” SeaworthinessDue8650
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a dad already, why would they expect you to go and spend Father’s Day with your stepdad??
He has his own children who can celebrate him. I have a dad and stepdad but my stepdad understands why I always spend Father’s Day with my dad. I buy a card and small gift for my stepdad, but my loyalties lie with my real dad on Father’s Day.” Sorry-Thing7797
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a stepfather. I do not have any bio kids. I have never demanded that my stepsons spend any time with me, always letting them make their own choices. They all know I am here if they need a sounding board or help.
At first, none of them really cared for me that much. My only job in raising them was to be a positive model. Because I never forced a relationship, they all come to me for help as adults. And I have never received a Father’s Day gift. I am fine with that, I don’t ever expect one.
I am not their father, why would I? Tell your mom and step-dad that if they try to force a relationship, they will only end up losing the relationship.” mcdermit14
15. AITJ For Not Making New Food After My Nephew Ruined His Hummus?
“He (11M) is the child of my friend, I refer to him as my nephew because he calls me Auntie.
He was at my house and I made some hummus. He asked if he could put some Worcestershire sauce on his; I asked if that’s something he’s had on it before, he replied no, I offered to give him a small portion to try it first, but he insisted he likes it and wants it.
I told him that in that case, even if he didn’t like it, I expected him to eat it all.
Surprise, Worcestershire sauce and hummus is not a winning combination. He wanted to leave it and have me make him something else, I reminded him that I expected him to eat it after he was so insistent on having it.
I conceded I couldn’t force him to eat it but I wouldn’t be making something else.
I’m now the most horrible aunt ever and my friend is angry that I let her son ‘starve’ (this was lunchtime, she was picking him up at 5.30 pm to return home, he wasn’t going to waste away.) I don’t honestly think I’m wrong here but maybe I am?
There was also bread and celery and carrot and cucumber sticks, and feta cubes. He did eat the bread and feta cubes so there wasn’t no food, just not as much as originally intended.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In one of the comments, OP answered the boy did eat the food that was served with the hummus, he just didn’t have hummus.
I know a few kids that age and they all are mature enough to make those decisions. Also, OP gave multiple chances to avoid this situation and even a warning about what would happen if he didn’t like it. If OP would have forced him to eat it, that would be something else.
If he didn’t have anything else to eat, also something else with the question of why hummus alone, that’s not enough. But that is not the case. The kid still had choices from which he could eat. And he did eat bread with feta cheese.” igotakarenneighbor
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, you provided food, you customized it to his expectations, he chose poorly. 11 years old is well within the age of reasoning and I wonder how many other people declaring they can’t reason like an adult actually have children at this age.
Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and we can choose to direct them towards a path of logical thinking or we can choose to remove any consequences that arise from their actions. I’ll give you one guess which group ends up like some of the people we deal with today…” GorillaP1mp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m actually shocked you had to clarify that there was stuff to dip into the ruined hummus, like who is actually eating that straight up? Kid made his choice, as we all do, and had to learn from it. I couldn’t begin to tell you the amount of terrible food choices I made as a kid, and I had to eat all of them.
Even the few times my mom made a bad dish, we’d eat it, her most of all. Because you just don’t waste food unless it’s actually inedible (IMO).” Error_Evan_not_found
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Abusive Brother As My Best Man?
“I have no desire to make my brother my best man at my wedding.
I know “traditionally” that’s what you’re supposed to do, and my parents are both insistent that I do so and that it would be an insult not to, but here are my reasons for not doing so:
1. He is horrible to, well everyone, but especially to my fiancée.
He has severe anger issues that get set off for no particular reason, where he starts yelling at everyone telling them all the reasons he hates them/they’re stupid/he’s superior, etc. However, with her, it’s especially bad. He hates her, even though she is incredibly nice to him and goes out of her way to do him favors and kind gestures.
2. Relating to reason number one, he’s treated me terribly his whole life. He makes it no secret that he despises everyone, but because I’m the only one who stands up to his bullying he hates me especially. The rest of my family is content with “he just came that way!” but I strongly believe he’s only gotten worse as he’s gotten older because my parents bend to his every whim, all he needs to do is start yelling and throw a tantrum, enabling the behavior.
The way I see it, your best man should be someone you have a good relationship with, not someone who hates you just for existing in the same house.
If I had it my way, he wouldn’t come to the wedding at all. He’ll show up to find ways to get as much attention as humanly possible because he’s also a complete narcissist, but he won’t make my wedding any better by being there, for me or my fiancée, he’ll make it worse.
Again, my parents insist I am in the wrong not to have him as my best man. Is this wedding tradition really so important and engrained that I’d be a jerk for not sticking to it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Not even a wedding tradition.
My brother and I are very close but he was not my best man. He was a groomsman. I’m guessing your brother is trying to make this all about himself, and your parents are enabling him. If any of my siblings treated my spouse poorly, not only would they not have been in the wedding party, they wouldn’t have been invited to the wedding at all.
If anyone tried to advocate for them. They would have been disinvited as well. Full stop.” bestbobever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – idk if it’s a cultural thing, but I have never heard of it being expected that your brother is de facto best man.
What if you had 2 brothers? Best man is a job for somebody you can trust. Somebody who can actually handle things like planning, damage control, and public speaking, among other things. Sometimes, a best friend isn’t even the right person for the job. If your parents are going to make YOUR wedding all about your brother if he doesn’t get his way, then you’re better off eloping – period.
If you don’t, prepare to add hired security to your wedding budget.” MyCouchPulzOut_IDont
Another User Comments:
“Your parents are in denial about your brother’s terrible behavior in general, and its impact upon you and your fiancee in particular. To my mind, a person who is frequently angry and says vicious things to your fiancee shouldn’t attend the wedding, let alone be part of the wedding party.
“Dear Parents, In the past 3 months, Brother has said X, Y, and Z to my fiancee, screaming at her on ABC occasions despite her being kind to him. There have been no apologies. He also has a pattern of abusive behavior toward me. While you may choose to look the other way, I cannot and will not look the other way while a family member is emotionally abusive toward my life partner.
Therefore, he will not be my best man nor will he be invited to the wedding. Should he explode and say vicious things to my fiancee again, all contact will be severed. This is not open for discussion. Any attempts to raise the subject will be blocked. The decision is final. Best, OP.” NTJ.” Nester1953
13. AITJ For Making My Late Mom Leave A Graduation Dinner Due To Seating Arrangement Issues?
“I (38f) planned a graduation dinner for my husband (38m). Due to being a party of 11, I had to schedule the dinner for 4 pm. My mother showed up at 4:28 pm and was not happy as to where she would be sitting on the interior of a booth.
(The table was half booth half chairs, with the booth side only having one side to exit.)
She proceeded to sit at the table next to us and claimed she would just sit there. I told her you can’t just sit wherever you want without talking to a host and if she came on time maybe she would have more say as to where she was sitting.
She got upset with that told us to enjoy dinner and stormed out.
AITJ?
For additional context, my brother-in-law is handicapped and needs to be on an end where his left leg is out and my mother-in-law or sister-in-law needs to be next to him to cut his food.
Also, my brother and friend had to be on the other end as my nephew was in a stroller.”
Another User Comments:
“People who are habitually late do not care about other people’s time. Period! Nope, don’t give me, yes I do, I have ADD or ADHD, I’m time blind blah, blah, blah.
I had a friend who was always late. My lunch was 1 hour. If she met me 45 minutes late, I didn’t get to eat. Or we would miss the first half of a movie…forget it. Solution? I quit waiting. I ordered my lunch. I left the theater.
I did not stay and wait. It shocked her into being on time.” Comfortable_Fact5621
Another User Comments:
““Mom, if you can’t respect us enough to arrive on time, that’s on you. Your pattern of tardiness is fully on you. Brother, stop. You know mom can’t be bothered to show up on time.
This was to celebrate my husband and his achievement, not to mollycoddle an adult whose MO is to waltz in late.” NTJ.” Beck2010
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone else who was there in time got their needs and preferences sorted. She was late, she gets what she gets.
It’s totally unreasonable for her to expect everyone else to rearrange to accommodate her when she couldn’t be bothered to be respectful enough to be punctual. It’s a meal, not an hours-long event where you can show up whenever to socialize.” 1568314
12. AITJ For Confronting My Friends About Their Behavior at My Wedding Dress Fitting?
“I’m (25F) getting married to my fiancé (27M) next year. My best friend A (25F) is the maid of honor, and my friend B (24F) is a bridesmaid, along with my sister and fiancé’s sister.
I had a private wedding dress try on at a really lovely store close to where I live.
My mother, sister, MIL, SIL, maid of honor and bridesmaid were present for this try-on, as I was allowed 6 guests, and wanted them all to be involved. I have dreamed of trying on wedding dresses for a long time and wanted a nice moment with the people closest to me.
Instead, I was left feeling quite humiliated, embarrassed, and upset after the appointment. I did end up choosing and buying a dress.
Both my maid of honor (A) and bridesmaid (B), spent the entirety of the appointment, where I tried on different dresses and showed everyone (to ask for opinions and feedback), whispering to each other, laughing, and offering no feedback or even a positive comment/compliment to any single wedding dress I tried on.
Even when I found the dress of my dreams (that everyone ended up loving too! My mum cried), they didn’t say a single thing, even when I asked if they liked the dress. They couldn’t even pay me a compliment (and the dresses were nice, nothing outlandish or alternative, very normal, nice wedding dresses).
The only time my maid of honor spoke was to exclaim that she heavily disliked a dress I was wearing as it was off the shoulder (a style she hates). That was it. I was quite embarrassed that my 2 closest friends were so negative the whole night, in front of my family.
I felt heavily embarrassed and just really upset.
My sister and SIL mentioned their behavior, and my SIL messaged my fiancé to tell him how sad she felt for me to have such negative friends, which prompted him to ask me what happened, as I had just brushed it off and didn’t want to make a big deal of it.
However, after speaking to him, he was quite upset on my behalf and said that if I felt comfortable, I should bring it up and ask them why they behaved that way.
I did, very politely, ask them why neither of them paid me a compliment on any wedding dress I tried on, or just gave me feedback, which wasn’t received well at all.
They didn’t think they had done anything wrong and had behaved perfectly fine the whole night, going as far as to say they quite enjoyed themselves.
Am I the jerk for still being upset about this and calling them out on it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Both my maid of honor (A) and bridesmaid (B), spent the entirety of the appointment… whispering to each other, laughing, and offering no feedback or even a positive comment/compliment to any single wedding dress I tried on.” Why are you even friends with these mean-spirited people, let alone giving them important roles in your special day?
Your sister & SIL were concerned as well. “They didn’t think they had done anything wrong and had behaved perfectly fine the whole night.” I’d ditch them both & ask your SIL & sister/people who actually like you & want you to be happy.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They were extremely rude and non-supportive. Even if they didn’t like any of the dresses you tried on, they could have said something like “It looks lovely on you.” Done. You felt like they were mocking you – not even behind your back but RIGHT IN FRONT of you – and you were probably right.
These are the two people who should be your biggest allies before and during the wedding. They both failed miserably. Honestly? They don’t deserve a special role. It might even be time to reevaluate if you’re really as close as you think you are. Good friends do NOT behave like that.
The fact that they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior just adds injury to the (unspoken but very much real) insults.” WalkingToConclusions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked for a simple special moment with the people you love and A & B couldn’t even manage that.
All they had to do was turn up at the agreed time and place, put a smile on their face, and say some genuinely supportive, helpful, things – like ANY real friends would. You’re getting married next year. Plenty of time to trim the bridal party down, replace them in the bridal party, or cut them from the guest list entirely.
Some wedding stories on here are insane – with brides expecting wayyyy too much from people. But that’s not you! I fear that these “friends” will continue to disappoint and hurt you as your wedding gets closer. I’d take some time to reflect on this experience, and others throughout your friendship with them and ask yourself – what really matters here?
Is it holding on to legacy friendships that no longer meet your needs (if they ever did)? Or is it thinking about your new life, and starting that in a way that brings you happiness and peace? If you decide to cut the ties – it doesn’t have to be a big huge drama, with words slung back and forth.
It can be a simple communication expressing your hurt, and that you have reflected, and you feel it’s best to move on. Wishing them well.” OkBoss3435
11. AITJ For Snapping At My Mother-In-Law Over Her Interference With Our Baby?
“I, a 25-year-old man, and my wife, a 23-year-old woman, knew we were meant for each other, and a year into our relationship I proposed to her.
The moment I married my wife, I knew I was in for a wild ride with her mother. She was a woman of strong opinions and an even stronger voice, never shy to share her thoughts, especially when it came to me.
The first time I met her, she eyed me up and down like I was a sheep at the market.
“So, you’re the one who’s been courting my daughter? I hope you’re not planning on living off her good graces.” I barely managed a polite smile, already feeling the sweat trickle down my back.
Every Sunday, we’d go over to her house for dinner, and every Sunday, it was the same routine.
My mother-in-law would critique my clothes, my job, and even the way I buttered my bread. “Are you sure you know how to do that? You’re making a right mess of it,” she’d say as if I hadn’t been buttering bread my whole life.
One particular evening stands out in my memory. My wife and I had just announced that we were expecting our first child. I was over the moon, but my mother-in-law’s reaction was less than enthusiastic. “Well, I hope you’re ready for sleepless nights and dirty nappies.
It’s not all fun and games, you know,” she said, with a stern look that could curdle milk.
As the months went by, her comments became even more frequent. “Do you really think you can handle being a father? You can barely keep the house in order!” She’d exclaim, shaking her head.
I tried my best to stay patient, for my wife’s sake, but it wasn’t easy.
When our little one finally arrived, I was determined to prove my mother-in-law wrong. I changed nappies, rocked the baby to sleep, and even managed to cook a few meals without burning them.
But no matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. “Are you sure you’re holding the baby right? You don’t want to drop her,” she’d say, hovering over me like a hawk. She always wanted us to formula feed our daughter but my wife wanted to breastfeed and her mother seemed to have a problem with that but she never said why.
One day, I’d had enough. I walked into my daughter’s room and there was my mother-in-law giving her formula. I grabbed the bottle off her and asked her “What the heck are you doing.” I was trying to keep my cool. “Why are you giving our daughter formula?” I said really angry.
“My granddaughter needs to be on formula so I can take her to my house,” and she said it with such confidence but that just made me angrier. I said to my mother-in-law, “I don’t know who the heck you think you are but that is MY daughter and my wife decided she will be breastfed and if you don’t agree with that, get out.” I took my daughter out of her arms.
My mother-in-law gave me a disgusted look as if I had called her every name under the sun.
My mother-in-law just turned away and left. My wife scolded me, telling me I was too harsh.
Am I the jerk for finally snapping at my mother-in-law after she kept trying to micromanage my baby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you’ve put up with a LOT of nonsense and this was a long time coming. You endured personal insults and quips trying to play the nice guy, but you rightfully reached a breaking point when it came to matters with your baby daughter.
It’s completely insane that she would feed the baby formula behind your back and then act as though what she was doing was perfectly normal. The entitlement and disrespect are nuts. Good on you for kicking her out.” BondraP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You don’t just have a mother-in-law problem, you have a wife problem too.
Why is she allowing her mother to speak to and treat you like this? You’ve handled this all amazingly to be honest. You need to talk to your wife too though and make clear how you feel and how her mother’s actions and words are affecting you.
Your mother-in-law sounds painful to deal with. Don’t let her back in your home until she learns to respect you and your boundaries.” DangerousAdvice3631
Another User Comments:
“Sit with your mother-in-law and wife and say this: I want her as my family, not you, and she wants me.
I tolerated you all this time for my wife. I would never make my wife choose. But if you keep this up, you will be the end of this family. I bet you hated your mother-in-law when she interfered too much. You can understand how I feel.
And leave, just leave. Don’t listen to them. Your wife might get hurt a bit, harsh but stand your ground in the heat of the moment or more incidents will come in the future (what to feed her, what school, what to wear, teaching her).
You are in for a rollercoaster, she will stick her nose in the child’s life at every corner.” Numerous-Afternoon18
10. AITJ For Wanting To Change The Rehearsal Dinner Venue Chosen By My Fiancé's Parents?
“I (25F) and my fiancé (26M) have been together for 8 years. My fiancé finally popped the question in January of last year and we are getting married this September.
We have both been very hands-on during the whole wedding planning process.
His parents graciously offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner. With this knowledge, we asked multiple times what our budget was, and sent a list of places we would like to have it at with prices attached. We heard nothing from them, after multiple lists were sent and questions asked.
About two weeks ago my fiancé’s dad finally called us to talk rehearsal dinner places. Turns out he had already booked something that was nothing like anything we had on our list. The place is a bar with multiple one-star reviews for bad food.
My fiancé and I have been to this restaurant multiple times with bad experiences. We asked why we were not involved and told them to cancel it. There was no cancellation fee and they would receive their deposit back in full. They said they would think about it and asked for more options.
I fell in love with an Italian place halfway between our venue and the hotel people are staying at. They asked for pictures and a menu with no response. I even got to the point of the restaurant writing up a contract for us. Then last night they finally responded with a “no we are sticking to the original place” and “we don’t want to start a war”.
I am beyond frustrated and at this point might book the place we want anyway. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hold the rehearsal dinner where you want – not at the place with bad food that you have actually been to and have had bad experiences with.
If your future in-laws get huffy about it, and you have to pay for the dinner yourself, so be it. Don’t start your marriage off by celebrating the rehearsal of the wedding at a place you didn’t ask for and actively don’t even like.
If your in-laws are insulted, they should ask themselves why they couldn’t have picked one of the places on your list, or at least actively communicated with you before committing. The dinner hasn’t been held yet -you can still save it. If you paying for the alternate place is an issue, you can choose a more modest place but at least it won’t be a bad place.
Don’t start your wedding backing down and compromising like this. NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why would your future in-laws want to have the rehearsal dinner at a place with bad food? Surely one star reviews plus your own bad experiences should be enough to deter them from the place.
It’s also not just your place to be asking for what you want – why is your fiancé not more involved in this? It’s his parents. While it’s generous of them to pay for the dinner, if it’s something neither of you want then they should take that into consideration.
Why is your fiancé just waiting for them to respond – can he not pick up the phone and call? Or go visit, presuming they don’t leave too far away?” celinesophien
Another User Comments:
“Why hasn’t your fiancé picked up the phone and discussed it with them?
Why didn’t he call and follow up after you sent them ideas and menus of places you liked? Did he call them directly to discuss? Is it possible fiancé gave his parents the impression it was ok to select the place they prefer? If they decide to push back and insist after having a discussion of your wishes, I would tell them you’re paying for the dinner at the restaurant you select.
But I am wondering why the fiancé has not stepped up to have a heart-to-heart with the parents yet. He might be the jerk, as well as his parents. You, OP are not the jerk.” Interesting-Fail8654
9. AITJ For Offering To Pay For My Partner's Dental Work And Being Honest About My Concerns?
“I (25f) and my partner (28m) are in a bit of an indifference and I need advice. I’m sure I didn’t handle things the best so that’s why I’m coming here for other perspectives.
For starters, I find my partner very attractive and he is so sweet and I can definitely see us having a future together. Before we started seeing each other he opened up to me about him being insecure about his teeth, some of them have rotted and one of them broke off.
He told me he was going to get them fixed but he didn’t have the funds. Regardless of this, I still find him very attractive, however, sometimes there is a bit of a smell and I am very sensitive to smells. I also am meticulous about my hygiene and am paying funds myself to fix my own teeth (braces).
If you didn’t know if others have cavities/bad teeth the bacteria from their mouth can cause cavities and issues in your mouth.
So here is where I might have not handled things the best. We were talking and I let him know that if he was willing to go to the dentist and do a consultation, I would pay to have it taken care of because I am fortunate enough to have the funds.
My partner has autism, he says he’s not afraid of the dentist but he doesn’t like the drills and feels like they might hurt him, which is completely understandable and I let him know I would be there holding his hand and supporting him through it all.
The hard part is I told him the truth (about the smell and the cavity thing) I had also tried to explain that I don’t find him unattractive but I would find him even more attractive if they were fixed. Anyway, I ended up making him feel unattractive and I feel absolutely terrible about it.
This is something I feel very strongly about and cannot just overlook, what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“Why people need to dance all over the place and perform magical pirouettes just to basically tell them that you have preferences and a bad smell is not an option and you might want to fix your teeth, there is nothing bad in pointing out deal breakers in your partner and if they are not willing to fix them then you either suck it up and break your own mind or move on.
NTJ for trying to help him fix teeth but the longer you dance around this issue the less likely it will be fixed. We all have preferences and bad smell can be a real deal breaker, plus how do you plan on kissing him if you can’t let his bacteria into your mouth because of brackets?
Just be honest and let him decide if your relationship is worth him “suffering” to fix his mouth or not. The real issue here is not his teeth but his attitude and mindset, it should already tell you what kind of person he is and you want to have a long and serious relationship with such person.” forgeris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if your partner has a correctable problem that is affecting his health and potentially yours, along with your general attraction to him, this is something he should want to know about. It sounds like you were kind in your delivery and offered a solution to the problem.
You did everything right. Plus, above all else, he needs to be going to the dentist. He’s way too young to have his teeth completely destroyed.” Upstairs-Volume-5014
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – bad teeth can cause more than just more cavities and other teeth issues.
Bacteria from bad teeth can enter the bloodstream and cause serious health issues including heart attacks. I understand he is afraid of the dentist (whether he admits it or not). But it’s worth his health to get this taken care of especially if you are the one footing the bill.
Go to a family dentist with a good reputation if you can (not a large corporate practice) as they give the best service and often will work with you on payment plans.” buttpickles99
8. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Relax After Our Niece Dropped Her Burger In Our Car?
“Currently on a road trip with my kids (9F and 8F), my niece (6F), and my nephew (6M).
With my wife (38F). Well, last night, on our way, we took our food to go. And obviously, with 4 kids in the car, that means mess. I like to keep my car clean, and so does my wife, but this was bound to happen anyway, and we didn’t buy a huge SUV for nothing.
Well, as expected, my niece dropped her burger over a pothole. That’s fine, we can clean it later, but my wife was ready to let it rip on my niece, but luckily I stopped her. We pulled over at a rest stop to clean it up, and as I was picking up lettuce and onion remains from the mats, my wife was babbling to me about how from now on no eating or drinking in the car (her idea to get to-go by the way) and all some other stuff.
After a bit more of that, I was kind of getting annoyed, so I told her to freaking relax and that it wasn’t a big deal. I get it, she’s stressed, but it’s not something to really worry about at that moment in my opinion.
AITJ? She seems a bit annoyed now.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. No one in history in a wild state has responded well to ‘Calm down’ or in your words, ‘Freaking relax’. Male, female, or otherwise. I’ve both given and received this advice – I can’t think of one situation it was positive.
But I get your initial reaction that it’s an easy fix, and a child shouldn’t cop her reaction. A burger got dropped, it’s an easy fix to clean. Irritating, yeah, life-ending, no. Heck, I’m 42 and drop food in the car, you can’t get cranky at kids for having an accident over a pothole.” Haunting-Juice983
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. But you could work on your communication skills. You mentioned that you get that she’s stressed, but telling someone to “freaking relax” when they’re stressed isn’t much help. And recognize that you telling her to “freaking relax” because you were annoyed, is also a stress response on your part.
You reacted rather than responded. Everyone’s stressed out, and there’s no need to use vulgarities to “calm” them down. “It was her idea to get to-go.” Yeah when it comes to accidents like that, avoid any blaming. Just say oh shoot, this is unfortunate, etc. Like you said, it was bound to happen, especially with kids.
You were trying to show support, it just could have communicated it better.
“She’s annoyed with me.” You could apologize. Apologize not because you are the jerk and in the wrong, but because you care about the relationship and the words you said to her.
Ask her how she feels, assure her not to worry about any messes, and acknowledge that it is a little stressful dealing with 4 kids, but the two of you are going to make it work and have a fun trip.” HaakonPower
Another User Comments:
“Maybe the freaking relax was a little too much.
But explaining that we love niece more than a clean SUV is important. I grew up with screams and shouts and I’m trying to not raise my kids that way. It’s inevitable and sometimes I shout over dumb things. I’ve learned to remind myself that I love my kids more than any clean home or unbroken thing.
But NTJ for deescalating the situation and keeping niece safe.” bmblbee888
7. AITJ For Not Giving My Brother His Emergency Fund Money For Non-Emergency Expenses?
“I (36f) set up 3 savings accounts in my name that I put money into for my 3 brothers.
I started doing this shortly after finding out at 18 my parents set up similar emergency accounts for only my sister and me in case of divorce or needing to make a hasty exit from a relationship and had been putting money into them our entire lives.
They did not have accounts set up for my brothers and when asked, they said they wouldn’t need the help if they got divorced or didn’t need to worry about abusive spouses. I thought that pretty unfair, especially considering my dad’s own brother had to sleep in his car and couch surf for months after his divorce and other male family members had it just as rough as some of my aunts.
Between bonuses, savings, and some very lucky casino trips and scratch-offs each account has about 14k. Unfortunately, 5 months ago my brother “Justin” and his wife filed for divorce. I gave him his money shortly after being told.
Wednesday we had dinner at our parents’ and Justin was telling us all about an apartment he found that has enough room for him and his kids.
My older brother “Andy” asked how he could afford it and Justin told him how much I gave him. Andy and his wife gave me some serious stink eye. After the dinner, Andy called and asked why I didn’t fully pay for an emergency expense they had a few years ago: they needed 3k for a vet expense and I gave them 1500 from my own money.
He then asked I give him all the funds I had set aside for him and I told him no. That it’s for a very specific reason for the worst-case scenario. Best case scenario either he or any future kids will get a nice chunk of change whenever it’s time to shed my mortal coil.
Now Andy and his wife are upset, not talking to me, and telling our family I’m expecting them to divorce.
Am I being a jerk not giving him the money?”
Another User Comments:
“What the actual heck????? NTJ. This is NOT your brother’s money. This is YOUR money that you have put into a savings account earmarked for a specific thing ‘just in case’.
It’s not money you ever promised your brothers, it’s not an account they contributed to, it was something YOU set up out of the love you have for your siblings. The vet bill was a ‘normal’ expense that comes along with the ownership of animals.
And while unexpected is NOT something that someone else should be footing the bill for. That was very generous of you to have sent them the $1500 to help with the unexpected costs. The ‘Emergency’ account, however, is different. You made it for a very specific reason and as it’s YOUR money you can do what you want with it.
You can take all the money out and buy a car with it for yourself if you so choose. Andy is an entitled jerk.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“I’m speechless that he had the nerve to ask for the money or ask why you didn’t pay his whole vet bill.
I’m completely blown away. How are you not offended? That is NOT their money. Essentially you have money set up for emergencies, with your brothers in mind. Which is unbelievably kind and generous, because they are adults! You did not have to do that.
Please hold firm on this. NTJ!! Your brother and wife are entitled greedy jerks though.” Organic-Date-1718
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I suggest that you spend the money as he is so offended by you saving for him. Or give it to the brother who is divorcing and needs the support since Andy is so secure in his marriage and so offended by your thoughtfulness.
Andy is exceptionally entitled that he thinks you should be paying for his emergency expenses especially when you paid from your own funds for his vet.” Individual_Metal_983
6. AITJ For Trying To Condition My Awful Father To Be Respectful?
“My (17M) father (50M) is a real piece of work. At its bare bones, he treats me, my sisters (both 19F), and my mom (49F) badly and then expects us to cater to his every whim.
I’ve decided lately, I’m not going to put up with it, I’ll treat him like a dog.
I’ll reward good behavior by being nice to him, and I’ll punish bad behavior by being mean to him. It’s so childish that it almost seems silly.
Primary example, he loves to shake our doors when it’s quiet because he thinks it’s hilarious. It isn’t.
Tonight, he did that while I was in my sister’s room. I told him it was unnecessary and rude.
Last night, after yelling at me when I got home from vacation, he asked me to make him a sandwich. I told him no, that he’s a grown man, and that he can make his own sandwich.
He hasn’t done anything major since I made this decision, but lord I’m waiting for when he does.
Though for a separate reason, I don’t tell him that I love him, haven’t since I was 7 because it hasn’t been true since I was 7. This is relevant in a moment.
My sister has noticed me doing this “conditioning” and has told me that I need to start being nicer and quit being a jerk to him. When I tried explaining why I was doing what I was doing, she told me that he still deserved to hear and see that he’s loved by me.
I failed to mention that he isn’t.
So, AITJ for attempting to condition my dad into being normal and respectful, or is my sister over-exaggerating?”
Another User Comments:
“First of all NTJ at all. Your adult father doesn’t necessarily deserve to see you love him just for being your biological parent.
I think your idea is great, but does he have any good behaviors for you to reinforce? Because I am under the impression that positive reinforcement works better than the negative one (but keep doing that too, he apparently needs that). Please let me know if it works, I might need to use the same method…” WeridWasp
Another User Comments:
“Sounds less like conditioning and more like you are setting healthy boundaries. You have all been trained to walk on eggshells around him, which is probably why your sister said what she did. She placates your father to “keep the peace”. She is worried that your behavior will trigger a big reaction from your father and she is scared, which is understandable, she feels unsafe and anxious.
You are NTJ and good for you for standing up for yourself.” Lazy-General332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is exactly what happened when my mom was still alive, though in a slightly different shade. My sister would often say she would talk to our mom like she was a child when she was being abusive, sick of the fighting, and unwilling to put up with it lying down like I had for a long time.
At the very least if you want to, you can be honest with your sister and say you don’t love him anymore and aren’t willing to tolerate his behavior. I can understand her as someone simply desperate for the mistreatment to stop and wanting everyone to be happy, but I think you can get her to accept that how you react is your choice like I did with my sister as well.
You do what you can to survive a dysfunctional household and when you’re out of it you can finally start working on fixing the bad habits you formed to get by. It’s not perfect and you will make mistakes, but I know eventually you all will be able to break free and live your own lives without the abuse.
I just wouldn’t recommend the method of how my own family got there.” Superliminal_MyAss
5. AITJ For Telling My Racist Brother I Won't Miss Him At His Celebration Dinner?
“I (13M) have a brother, Harry (17M) who just got accepted into a really good college which was his dream school. My family and I went out to a local Italian place to celebrate.
The issue is Harry and I don’t like each other, Harry uses racial slurs even though we are white.
He also calls my trans friend offensive names. He’s smart and is very good at science and put a lot of effort into getting into his school but I don’t care that he got in, I’m just happy he won’t be home.
I was telling my friends about this at lunch and they told me I should tell him at the dinner that I was at that I wouldn’t miss him and that I was happy he’d be gone.
We were eating our food and one of my aunts asked me if I would miss him, so I said the truth that I wouldn’t and said I was glad he’d be gone.
My parents told me to knock it off, and then I started to argue with them because they allow him to use these slurs.
When I got home, my mom told me she was disappointed in me and that she thinks my friends from baseball are a bad influence, she said I should love my brother no matter what.
She grounded me for “causing a scene” in the restaurant.
My friends think I did nothing wrong but I’m not 100% sure. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is kind of a tricky one, because it sounds like your brother has a lot of racist/transphobic stuff going on, and you’re not wrong to find him offensive or dislike him on those grounds, and you’re not wrong to not want to lie about it, but it’s still not great to go to his celebration party and announce at the party that you don’t like him.
It’s not the place. If you find him so offensive you can’t be polite about him at a celebration party, I think the better decision would be to stay home. Soft ESH (he’s quite a jerk and your parents are too if they aren’t trying to change his ways, but your choices weren’t perfect here either).” Cavolatan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – He’s racist and transphobic. Sounds like a nightmare sibling, and your parents enable him making them also jerks. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you HAVE to forgive all that they do. Frankly, it’s often the people that do the worst, that expect family to forgive.
This is coming from a mom myself, I’d be proud to know that at least one of my kids wasn’t so horrible as to condone horrible behavior. Of course, I also wouldn’t be letting my child be racist or transphobic. Good on you for having a good head on your shoulders and calling out that behavior.” KryoChamber
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Family isn’t a ‘we love you no matter what’ all around all the time. When someone messes up, tell them they messed up. Your brother isn’t a very good person to you or your friends. You have a right to say you’re not going to miss him.
You should not love your brother no matter what. I love my brother, but if he started insulting my friends, I’d be upset with him, and there’d be consequences for that. Sure, doing it at his college acceptance dinner is an extra bit of rude, but… like, I wouldn’t shield him from it.
He started it by calling your friend slurs. No one in good mind would expect you to say you missed him.” ItsMeBoyThePS5
4. AITJ For Disliking The Bridesmaid Dress My Friend Had Made For Me?
“My (29F) partner’s best friend is getting married and I have been asked to be a bridesmaid. We are all friends and see each other fairly regularly. I am friendly with his fiance but we’re not really close.
When it came to bridesmaid dresses she said she wanted us to be comfortable and let us choose our style which is great!
She is Romanian and said she has a great seamstress in Romania who she has used before and trusts completely. She asked me to send pictures of the dress I wanted and she got it made when she went to Romania to organize stuff for the wedding, along with dresses for the other bridesmaids.
She gave it to me yesterday and I tried it on. I feel awful, but I really don’t like it at all, it’s not the same as what I asked for. It’s too short even without heels on, the back is completely different, the cleavage is all wrong and it’s all the same material all over, a satiny sort of material, whereas the one I looked at had a sheer, floaty sort of fabric.
My partner is the best man and we’ve been told that we’ll both be quite important on the day, sitting at the main table, etc. I really want to feel comfortable and pretty (I’m quite self-conscious) and I just don’t like this dress. I know she was just trying to be helpful, but I would have been more than happy to buy my own dress from the site I found the design on.
She also made a comment about the website (JJ’s house) and how she didn’t like ‘those’ types of websites, I don’t know what that means, I’ve had dresses from them before and they were great. I just feel trapped now and I don’t want to offend her.
I’d be happy to pay her for the dress I won’t wear of course.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The way you’ve described the fit it seems that it doesn’t look good at all. Has she seen you in it? If not it might be worth showing her and explaining everything you’ve said here, including offering to buy the original dress you found.
If she has sense she’ll be fine with this as she will want you to look good on the day as you’ll be in a lot of photos. If she insists you wear the ugly, badly fitted dress then I would explain to her you would be very uncomfortable and distracted by it on the day so would prefer to not be a bridesmaid at all.” LowAcanthisitta9457
Another User Comments:
“Just to warn you JJ’s house dresses often don’t come as you would expect them to (my friend ordered a single dress to test for the bridesmaids but when it came the extremely slender and above-average height maid of honor couldn’t move her arms at all and it was like a foot too long, and no, it wasn’t just a “take it up” job as it meant the shaping on the skirt was all wrong).
The color was also not quite what she expected. Didn’t go with JJ’s house for the dresses after that. Point is, a new dress is just as likely to have problems. I would talk to the bride, don’t say you hate it, just say things like “oh I thought it was going to be organza”.
Ask if she’d mind if you made a few changes to it. If she says no then I’d also recommend hitting up a seamstress. They can work wonders. Sure they can’t make the fabric organza but there’s a good chance they can make it fit you nicely and in a flattering way.” Basic_base_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel about the dress. It was great your friend got the dress made for you, but from how it sounds the dress wasn’t made entirely how the original dress you wanted was. This is why it’s so important to have face-to-face meetings and try the dresses on before having anything finalized. That being said you can have a conversation with your friend explaining the situation and having a local professional alter the dress to be more to your liking since shipping it all the way back to Romania would take a very long time and way more money than going with a local option.” TheOnlyKirby90210
3. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Brother's Fiancée's Bridesmaid But Accepting To Be His Ex's Maid Of Honor?
“My (26F) brother James (27M) recently got engaged to his fiancée Laura (32F).
My brother and I have always been super close, throughout the years he had many partners and I generally made it a point to get along with them.
I liked the vast majority of them so that task wasn’t that hard, I had good and close relationships with most of them while they were still seeing James, and remained in close contact with 2 even after their breakup (with James’ permission, of course).
One being his high school partner Diane (26F), and the second one being his baby mama Sofie (29F).
When James started seeing Laura 2 years ago I also tried to get close to her but I just couldn’t bring myself to befriend her. Laura and I are completely different people and have little to nothing in common, she isn’t a bad person by any means but just not someone I would want to hang out with or talk to on a day-to-day basis.
At the end of the day, she made James happy, and was a decent stepmom to my nephew Rio (4M), so me liking her as a person wasn’t really important. I also had little to no interactions with her, since whenever I visited James at their apartment she would claim she was too busy to hang out with us, so I would mostly only see her during family reunions/holidays.
After they got engaged Laura asked me to be her bridesmaid, I refused since I already had a part in the wedding as the groom’s sister, was happy with my current position, and didn’t feel like spending thousands to go on a bachelorette trip where I didn’t know anyone.
Last month James’ ex Diane also got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I agreed since Diane has been a close friend of mine for years and I was honored that she wanted me to have such an important role in her wedding.
When Laura heard about this she called me saying that I was really immature for rejecting her request to be a bridesmaid but agreeing to be Diane’s maid of honor. I told her that Diane was my childhood friend so it was different, Laura then began to interrogate me and asked if Diane and James were the ones getting married would I also refuse her request and be content with only being the groom’s sister in the wedding party?
I told her that that situation was irrelevant since it’ll never happen, Laura continued to bombard me with questions before I finally told her that as her future SIL my only obligation towards her is to treat her with respect and I’m already doing that, so I don’t understand what more can she want from me.
After hearing that Laura ended the call and blocked my number. Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura.
I’m genuinely confused since I don’t think I’ve said anything remotely awful or offensive, but I might be missing something.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, NTJ – if you feel able, then once things have calmed down, it might be worth having a chat with your brother about this? I think you’ve provided a remarkably clear and fair background – Laura being a good ‘step’ and making your brother happy, just not your kind of person to be BFF.
Laura’s friends obviously only have her side of the story, it’s perfectly reasonable of you to choose who you want to invest significant amounts of money and time into – and not reasonable for Laura to expect it should be her. Seriously, these kinds of posts should be required reading for anyone contemplating getting married, what IS it with weddings and entitlement smh.
Every other post seems to be “I’m getting married, you have to do WHATEVER I WANT” or “You’re getting married, here’s my demands for the wedding ….”” TeenySod
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Laura has made zero effort to connect with you, and now she’s upset that you don’t want to serve her in her wedding.
That’s pretty ridiculous and tells me she only wanted you there for show. “Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura.” Pretty immature of her to send her flying monkeys after you. She obviously has enough people to choose as bridesmaids, so this is more about you being close to Diane and refusing to pretend you’re close to her.
Good luck to your brother. He is in for a bumpy ride.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“I’m not sure exactly how to judge this but I think the closest would be ESH? Pretty much everyone I know who has gotten married has had all siblings as part of the bridal parties.
This could also be the norm for Laura’s family and friends, or it could just be that she was trying to use this as an opportunity to get closer to you. Also, I don’t understand your logic behind not doing it either. You’re assuming that the bachelorette would have cost thousands of dollars but how do you know that?
And even if it was going to you could just explain that that is not financially feasible for you to attend the trip but that you would still love to be a bridesmaid and stand up with them for the wedding. Idk. I feel like people love the whole “you don’t owe anyone anything” thing but I think this would have been a simple thing you could have done to show support for your brother’s marriage/to try to strengthen the relationship with your SIL who presumably/hopefully will be in your family for the rest of your lives.
Now it’s going to be this big awkward thing hanging over the families maybe permanently.” kornbobroxiee
2. AITJ For Uninviting My Step-Daughter From Our Africa Trip?
“My parents were missionaries in Africa when I (64M) was growing up.
They have long since passed, but I still keep in touch with friends who still live there and have made a few trips there to visit. One of these family friends has operated a safari company for decades. Whenever I visit, I usually stay with them for a week or so.
It’s been almost 8 years since my last visit and I want to go back.
My ex-wife and I divorced about 15 years ago. Our son is now 35 and has a wife and twin girls (13). I remarried 6 years ago and my current wife has a daughter, Pam (38F) from a previous relationship as well who also has her own family.
When I told my wife about wanting to plan another trip to Africa, she was very excited.
I contacted my family friend and he offered me a great deal to stay at their safari camp, but only for a specific 2-week window. I told my wife about the deal my friend offered and she asked if it would be possible to invite her daughter and her family on the trip.
I was hesitant because Pam and I have never really seen eye-to-eye, but I figured this might be the type of trip that would bring us closer through a unique shared experience.
When we first approached Pam about the idea, she was totally on board.
But things went south pretty quickly. First, the window for the trip wouldn’t work for them because Pam’s daughter has a softball tournament at that time that she “can’t miss.” They did however offer to help cover the higher cost so that the daughter could still make the tournament.
Next, however, came the dealbreaker. Pam had asked how I knew my friends there and I explained that my parents were missionaries long ago. A few days later, she came to visit with her daughters and told me that they are uncomfortable staying with “colonizers” and asked if we could change the trip completely.
I straight up told them “no” and told them they are no longer welcome to join us on this trip. It turned into an argument and I had to ask them to leave. My wife was in tears by the end of it.
Not wanting to miss out on the deal my friend was offering, I instead extended the invitation to my son and his family.
He jumped at the opportunity without asking any questions. When I told him about the time window and where we were staying, he said he didn’t care and they would make it work. No hassle.
I told my wife that my son and his family would be joining us on the trip instead and she got mad at me.
She told me that I should have at least tried to talk with Pam about it again to see if we could make it work before inviting my son.
I told her that I am not going to bring Pam and her family after they insulted my parents and have been making everything more difficult from day one.
I told her my son and his family aren’t making this nearly as difficult as Pam has been, and they also didn’t call my parents “colonizers.”
My wife thinks I should give Pam another chance, but it’s too late for that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she wanted to go to a different place on a different date then really it’s not the same trip. So you haven’t uninvited her from anything, you’ve simply declined to go on a different trip. I hope you have a great time out there.
Ps I recognize that there is a complicated history with white landowners in Africa for which there is no easy solution. I don’t really think that really comes into this discussion though.” jimbob19304
Another User Comments:
“Oh buddy, I was ready to say yes you were, but you are NTJ!
Something to explain to Pam and your wife, this isn’t a family vacation, this is a trip for you to go see family friends. That is the function of the trip. It has a timeframe and a purpose. Pam isn’t comfortable with either.
There is no making peace with that. I suggest your wife and Pam plan a family vacation together and you can go along with your wife. Maybe to Africa, maybe not, but for the vacation the time and where to stay are all negotiable and Pam can be happy.
This trip is you seeing your friend where you grew up – that is nonnegotiable. I think it would also be more meaningful for your son and grandkids to see where their grandfather spent his childhood. In my mind, if you take out Africa and make this random city USA everything still applies, but your wife and Pam are distracted by the Africa part and missing the purpose.” Bibliophile_w_coffee
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I have missionaries among my grandparents as well (in West Africa). Missionary work is colonization. It has had horrific effects all across the continent. You don’t have to like that fact or want to dwell on it, and you don’t have to take your stepdaughter’s family on the trip.
You’re allowed to take who you want. Your stepdaughter is also allowed to accurately observe the world around her and make factual statements, even if you disapprove of them because they make you feel guilty about your family’s complicity in colonialism.” deathCVLT
1. AITJ For Using My Wealth To Assert Independence From My In-Laws?
“I (39M) am a few years older than my wife (32F), but we met (5 years ago) at very different phases of our lives. I finished uni at 19 years old, lucked into a great position in finance, and became a partner at my firm, making me quite wealthy at a young age.
My wife went through several changes of heart about her career path, involving two advanced degrees, through which her parents supported her. She had only recently started her first full-time, “professional” job when we met. Her parents’ (born to wealthy families on the last bits of their fortunes) financial support engendered a belief on their part that she ought to pay heed to their wishes.
While my wife found this behavior bothersome, she is conflict-averse and mostly acceded to their demands.
Her parents offered to pay for our wedding. It quickly became clear that they felt that their contribution entitled them to make most of the choices (including the guest list), none of which were congenial to my now-wife.
The conflict clearly wore on her, so I told her parents that we appreciated their kind offer, but that we would pay for the wedding ourselves. Perhaps having judged my financial situation by my modest lifestyle, they claimed we were “risking our finances” merely to have our way.
I just laughed and said that wasn’t a worry. We ended up having a swanky destination wedding, with accommodations on us, for our friends and close family only.
After we got married, we experienced the same nonsense. Case in point – vacations. My MIL inherited a beach house, and she insisted that we spend our vacations there at a particular time, to coincide with my SIL, even though the dates were convenient neither to us nor SIL.
When my wife pointed this out, her mother’s response was that it would be difficult to accommodate us at other times, as they had set plans with friends over the course of the summer; that since she and FIL were generously opening their house to us, we needed to conform to her schedule.
Not again!
I had been thinking about getting a summer place myself, so I bought one in my wife’s favorite area. It happens to be bigger and nicer than MIL’s. MIL reacted peevishly to the news, claiming that we were spitefully “bankrupting ourselves to show her up” and that vacations should be spent with family.
I replied that, as to the latter point, they were welcome to come spend time with their daughter and SIL (who is great!)…on dates convenient for us. As to the former, I said, that while I consider it gauche to talk to them about money, she should rest easy about our finances, as the new place amounted to less than my last year’s partnership distribution; and that they would be wise to stop trying to exert control with money, since to do it successfully requires an actual fortune, and not just the memory of one as embodied in a broken-down beach house.
My MIL called me a jerk. I realize I spoke pretty harshly, but I think I was justified.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but on the edge. A classier response would have been, “You worry about your money, I’ll worry about mine.” My impression is that in-laws were correct.
You wouldn’t have bought a beach house if they didn’t have one. Both your time and money would be better spent going to various exotic destinations rather than limiting yourself to visiting the same beach over and over.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, and I’m honestly shocked there are so many judgments saying otherwise.
There are few things more classically jerk-coded than rich people trying to one-up each other. It’s a trope from movies going back to the beginning of cinema because it’s such an easy way of telegraphing “you’re not supposed to like this character” to the audience.” Father-Son-HolyToast
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, you’re as bad as your mother-in-law but as “nouveau riche” as opposed to “old money”. You obviously don’t think it’s “gauche” to talk finances because you made it a point to talk finances and rub it in her nose.
You both suck, not an ounce of class between the two of you. You can still support your wife but be classy about it by telling them your finances are none of their concern. You sunk to her level.” mhegmegee
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