People Want Us To Assess Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Making My Brother's Family Homeless?
“Ok, so my SIL and brother will be staying at me and my wife’s house for a few months as they are both out of jobs and SIL is 7 months pregnant.
They also have a 6-year-old child and our house was enough to accommodate all of us. The problem is that my SIL is a not-so-nice person and is the type who says she is unforgivingly true and that if she sees something that doesn’t please her, she will make sure it nows.
I didn’t know the extent of it until now when she had started to torment my wife.
My wife is a very sensitive person and is also unable to have kids not because she is infertile but because the birthing process can prove to be extremely dangerous for her.
My SIL found out about it and has made it her life mission to remind my wife how joyful motherhood is and that giving birth is something that completes every one and that every pregnancy is a danger but a risk worth taking (let me remind you my wife’s mother has passed away at childbirth and her aunt has had multiple miscarriages).
My wife has asked her to stop but she says that she is also a resident at our home and while she is here she can do what she wants.
I have also asked her to not to my wife about it but she won’t listen to reason. But she toned it down after my brother asked her.
A few days ago, I had come home early from work only to find out that my SIL had held an intervention for my wife with all her mother’s friends to encourage her to get pregnant.
My wife had locked herself in our room and had been crying. I saw red and immediately called my brother and told him I wanted his family out of my house by 10 tonight and went ahead and packed their stuff around the house myself.
I didn’t talk to my SIL while she screamed at me and I just have her son’s noise-canceling headphones and left him in the corner room. Brother begged me to let them say as his part-time job was not profitable enough to support all three of them plus the new baby.
I told him that I had given SIL many chances and that my wife will not be disrespected at her own home.
They left and I have found out that they are currently homeless and can barely afford to get a motel for a night.
My mother is on my side but has told me to think about my nephew who is also suffering a lot as he can’t even attend online school. After knowing all this both I and my wife feel a little guilty as the child was blameless and the soon-to-be-born one also has to suffer.
So AITJ for making my nephew suffer and problem cause him trauma. I am not at all regretful for kicking my SIL but I am worried about my nephew as he has anxiety as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave her enough chances. She dug her own grave. Your wife doesn’t deserve to be treated that way in her own home by anyone. Maybe let your brother and his child stay with you until the birth.
Let him save up money so they can get a place once the child is born? She can stay with a friend, and still, see and spend time with her husband and child when he’s off work.
If they want to stay together, why can’t your mom or her family take them in? They are your family, but not your responsibility, especially if they’re hurting your wife.
Your wife should be your priority, and I commend you for sticking up for her.
Beyond that, there is plenty of help they can get from churches, women’s shelters, WIC, food stamps, etc. My family had to stay in cheap hotels while I was growing up sometimes, and we made it work.
It wasn’t easy, but we did it. They can, too. Your brother should try to get a second job to take care of his family if your SIL can’t work.
Bussing tables, delivering pizzas, serving, ubering, roofing, etc. The work IS out there.” Vampire_Routine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your SIL can work. She might be pregnant, but that’s a temporary situation.
I’m sure she can ask a relative to look after the baby.
You were incredibly generous and it’s very clear that your SIL is not a nice person. Nor did she appreciate the magnitude of the gift that you were giving to her family.
Any sane person would be bending over backward to make this arrangement work.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you are not the cause of your nephew’s suffering.
Nor are you the cause of your brother’s suffering. He, unfortunately, chose to marry a person who loves creating drama and conflict. You do not have to put up with it – good on you for standing up for your wife.
Their situation hasn’t changed – they are still homeless, but SIL destroyed a solution to their problem.” Bringintheclowns1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t making your nephew suffer and causing him trauma – his mother did all this.
If you want to ease your guilt, tell them that the nephew and brother can stay but SIL is never to come by the house again, or else they’ll be kicked out.
OR say that if SIL can jump down from her high horse and admit what a huge jerk she’s been and deliver a real apology and agrees to kiss your wife’s butt while she lives with you, then she can come back too.
Since you did kick them out MAYBE she’ll be a little more humble and believe you when you say you’ll kick her butt to the curb again? (or she may go to super ultra jerk mode…).
if I was you I dunno, it’s tough with kids but I’d probably say nephew and dad can come back only.” SnooAvocados6720
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Daughter To Future Daddy-Daughter Dances?
“One day I saw this Valentines day ad for a daddy-daughter dance night and I told my wife that I don’t like them. My reasons were this: They are creepy and give malice to the relationship between daughter and father.
There are hearts all over the poster. It’s Valentines day. The dad and daughter are dressed like they are going to prom together. It’s oddly ‘date-like’. Not to mention it these dances have their roots in purity balls where fathers claim ownership of daughters until marriage.
The whole thing just grosses me out and makes my skin crawl. I love my daughter with all my heart, but I don’t want to date her. I also don’t want to reinforce weird gender and patriarchal stereotypes in my daughter’s young mind.
My daughter is 2. This is all hypothetical for the future. I was just expressing my distaste for them to my wife upon seeing this poster. She lost it. She was shaking and crying.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look at me with such disdain. She thinks I would be denying my daughter a special bonding experience. She was worried my daughter would feel so hurt and left out by this.
I don’t think I’d ever not go if it’s something that my daughter really really wanted, but I still think as parents it’s our duty to do better than ‘it’s tradition’.
I’ve never been one to buy into that crap. People do a lot of horrible nonsense because they’re told it’s what they’re supposed to do.
I don’t see the big deal in not wanting to participate in a weird archaic past-time that romanticizes my relationship with my daughter.
I can kind of see my wife’s point, but she was so mad I literally didn’t understand it. Help me out, AITJ?
EDIT 1:
I should have mentioned that my wife’s father isn’t really involved in her life and hasn’t been since she was 3.
She sees him a little every few years, but he didn’t show up at our wedding or meet our daughter despite invitations to both. No doubt this has something to do with her sensitivity about this issue.
EDIT 2:
A decent amount of people think I’m gross for saying the dances were given malice and maybe that was a bit too far. I meant that they are treated in a romantic fashion, not necessarily malicious.
The way they treat it like a romantic prom date on or near valentines day where you slow dance with your daughter to love songs just makes me feel like a male version of Lucille Bluth.
(Shudder)
As a couple of people pointed out purity balls actually came about in 1998. Daddy/daughter dances were happening before that. I think these dances REMIND me of purity balls in a lot of ways, but I was wrong to say they were rooted in them.
Also, some people are saying mommy/son dances are a thing but I’ve never seen nor heard of any personally. I see daddy/daughter dances all the time though.
There are also people saying ‘do something else with your daughter instead’.
I do. Here’s a little background. As of right now, my wife works a better job. She earns more and has insanely good health benefits and we don’t wanna pay for daycare so I work a couple of online jobs and stay home to take care of my kiddo.
These dances are from a time when a dad went to work and the mom stayed home and raised the kids. Dads were distant and didn’t raise their kids. So these dances were a way for a dad to actually spend time with their daughters.
I promise you that’s not the case here. I spend every single day with my daughter. We do fun stuff all the time. No worries there.
I feel like a lot of people here think I believe these things are bad because I think dancing with my daughter is malicious.
That’s not true. I dance with her now. I’m affectionate. I hug and kiss her. I nap and cuddle with her. It’s my favorite thing in the world. However, context is important.
Like yeah, it’s innocent to breastfeed, but if you saw a 10-year-old boy doing it, you’d be a little weirded out. These dances are something that weirds me out. I can’t help it.
It’s a visceral reaction to it. I do think people are missing the part where I said I would absolutely go if my daughter really wanted to. I would be uncomfortable about it probably, but I’d never hurt my daughter if it meant that much to her.
Just had to laugh at the marriage counseling suggestion. Just needed to ‘delete social media and hit the gym’ and the relationship advice would be complete. We’re fine. We’ve had plenty of talks about her trashy dad.
I’m nothing like him, thankfully. I honestly think her reaction could’ve been stress-related and I just hit a nerve at the wrong time, but I don’t see the point in bringing it up again.
Sometimes in marriage and parenting, you won’t agree on things and that’s okay. You compromise or work around it… or in this case, never speak of it again unless you have to.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – however, keep in mind that a little girl’s first and best example of a man is her Daddy, and how Daddy treats her, and how he treats Mommy, is going to be her examples of how love and relationships should work.
I personally don’t think that daddy-daughter dances romanticize the relationship any more than the father-daughter dance at a wedding does; however, they are stuctured like a date, again to give a girl a taste of what they can expect on a date one day with an actual boy.
But it’s also just a bonding opportunity for dads and daughters. Maybe that’s not how you want your relationship with your girl to look – and that’s fine. Maybe you bond over hotdogs at a ball game, or going to museums. But no matter what, you are the example she will compare all other men to, whether she knows she’s doing it or not.” 0000udeis000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It has nothing to do with owning her or romanticizing her. If you see anything malicious in this, that’s you projecting. If you have a problem with it being date-like, then it’s because of how you chose to treat dates.
It’s a great way to build a close relationship with your daughter.
I did the dad-daughter dates and dances with my ‘daughter’. I cherish the time I got to spend with her when she was a kid.
I got to know who she was as an individual, rather than just as her mother’s kid. We’d go on dates and talk about her life, school, friends, dreams, and plans for the future.
This continued all the way through college, when she would still ask me for a dad-daughter date. I got to keep that close relationship, and still know how her life was going, her joys and troubles, hopes and fears.
After college, she moved to her mom’s hometown to be with her mom and sisters (they moved a year before). This last August she got married to her best friend, who she had been telling me about for 5 years.
She told me that her mother and I never had to tell her how she should expect to be treated by guys when she started going out with men because all she had to do was look at our example.
She wouldn’t take any crap from guys that treated her poorly or got pushy about being intimate (her mother and I are both ‘wait until marriage’ types and were pleased when she chose the same).
She said she only would go out with guys who treated her and respected her like I had treated and respected her mom. She married a GREAT guy, and has a baby on the way.
This girl was craving a positive male figure in her life and I’m glad I got to fill that role. There’s no way I would have gotten to know her so well if it wasn’t for the dad-daughter dances/hangouts.
I did the same with her sister starting when she was around 7. Even though she was only 10 when they moved to 2 states away and we lost contact, when we got in contact again this January, she immediately asked if she could call me dad too.
She’s 17 now, and calls me for advice, and to tell me how her week went.
Unofficially adopted, not quite step-daughter, I guess. This is my long-time close friend’s (currently long distance partner’s) daughter who asked me if she could call me dad when she was 13.
She was 10 when we met, 14 when I courted her mom the first time and is 26 now. Younger daughter was 6 months when we met, and is 17 now.” AnakinsKid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Although I do see your reasoning and I agree to it somewhat, I think daddy-daughter events are a way of family bonding in a non-romantic way. You are a constant person in her life which means she’s going to use your actions (and her mom’s actions) and reflect it onto others to judge who is acceptable to be in her life whether it’s platonic or not.
I’ve seen videos of parents taking their kids on a ‘date’ to show them how they should be treated (opening the door for them, taking their jackets, treating them kindly, etc.).
So there are good things that come out of it, although with our society changing and striving away from gender stereotypes I doubt that these events are needed (especially to teach her about respect and such).
If your daughter wanted to go, then I’m sure you’d accommodate for that.” User
15. WIBTJ If I Cut Off Child Support?
“I have two boys, 11 and 13. They were 9 and 11 when my ex and I split.
When we split, it was pretty heated and messy and we fought a lot, so I blocked her.
I don’t need or want to go through her every time I want to see the boys, they have their own phones to contact me. But they never seem to do so anymore.
I suspect she was telling them to text me at one point but has since stopped.
I used to take them on the weekend once or sometimes twice a month.
I missed a few weekends because of work and then only had them sporadically. I told the boys they could come whenever, they just had to ask so I could book the time off work.
But other than a few times, they never did. So I decided unless they asked, I wouldn’t take them or offer. It’s now been months and I haven’t had them or seen them.
I text here and there to remind them I’m around every so often. They can email, drop-in, whatever. I’m here. Even told them I’ll have some time off work in the school holidays and they can come around for a week or two.
Neither of them arranged anything, so I just did my own thing.
At Christmas, I left gifts for them at their door. Got a text saying thanks, but then quickly, silence again.
Ex contacted me on social media, mad that I made the effort to come around and drop off presents without even knocking or seeing the boys and she’s mad that I expect the kids to organize visits and I should make the plans if I want them.
But why should I force myself on them? They know they can contact me if they want to come around. I’ve told them that.
Haven’t heard from them for weeks now.
My ex has a decent-paying job, she doesn’t really need the money. WIBTJ? Why should I have to provide for kids that don’t seem to want to see me?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ absolutely.
As a parent, it is your responsibility and duty to teach and demonstrate to your children how to have healthy relationships. This means showing them how you reach out to them, make them a priority, and make time to hang out with them.
You listen to them, share meals, share experiences, and you be the healthy relationship example they need so they can be healthy adults.
You aren’t doing that at all. You’re burdening them with your expectations.
They are children and have zero e****g ideas of how to pat your hand and tell you you’re a good dad. They need you to get in their space, tell them you want to see them and make it happen.
They shouldn’t have to tell you they want you around, because you’re their dad you will always be the man they look up to and aspire to make proud unless you eff it up and be the example of what they don’t want to be.
There are ZERO expectations on a child to validate your need to feel appreciated as a man, a father, and a provider. If your ego and feelings are hurt, that’s your negative self-talk and that is NOT their responsibility and very selfish of you.
You’re e****g up your relationship with them. Get in there and be the dad and man you know you wanted to be, and the kind of man you know you want them to be.
Don’t think isolating yourself will magically make them realize they need you. They already do. They need you the be present and consistent. So go be a dad, for Pete’s sake.” _its_only_forever
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you not see how much responsibility you’re putting on these children? You are the father. It is YOUR job to pursue a relationship with them.
First off, you can’t co-parent if the other parent is blocked. Second, if she had stopped reminding the kids to text you, that’s when you come in and text them more.
Not sitting around and waiting for them to text you first. Third, you only see them a weekend a month, missed weekends because you prioritized work, and then tell them to just…
show up whenever as long as they tell you in advance? I’m not even gonna get into how contradicting that statement is. How do you expect them to feel comfortable enough to come over for a scheduled time when you didn’t even show up for a scheduled time in the first place???
And also made them feel rejected by ditching your children for work??? Forth, you decided to put the responsibility on an 11 and 13-year-old?
Dude, you started off failing by not taking them as much as you should have, then continued failing by prioritizing work over then, and now you surprised they’re not making an effort to see you???
From the beginning, you never made enough effort. How do you not see how rejected you’ve probably made these poor kids feel?
You can SAY all you want how ‘they know they can contact me if they want to come around,’ but your ACTIONS say otherwise.
But go ahead, put the nail in the coffin and stop paying child support. Jeez, you are dense. YTJ and YWBTJ.” indica-kitten
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, a thousand times YTJ.
For a start, child support and visitation are two separate, unrelated issues. Parents have a legal obligation (as well as a moral, and ethical obligation) to support their children. That doesn’t stop because you don’t feel like the children are making enough effort to call you.
Not only does it make you a terrible father, but it’s also really manipulative to hold child support (money that is specifically meant to help pay for their food, medicine, education, and the roof over their heads) over them as a reward/punishment.
As far as contact/visitation with your kids goes, I expect you’ve already profoundly damaged your relationships with them. As others rightly pointed out, it isn’t a child’s job to keep in contact or maintain your relationship.
Was there a written custody arrangement ever finalized? If yes, you should be following it. If no, why not? You should be calling the children every night, to chat about their day.
You should be attending their weekend sports. You should be engaged with the school and attend parent/teacher conferences, important concerts, etc.
It seems to me that you love your kids less than you hate their mother and that’s really sad.
A good father puts the anger/sadness/pain aside to focus on the welfare of his children. That means stepping up and doing more than the barest minimum. It means trying hard to co-parent even if you no longer love the other parent.
It means keeping connected and bonded to your kids even though you live in different houses.
I hope your kids are able to forgive you for emotionally and physically abandoning them.
I hope you are able to stop being selfish and start focusing on your kids before it’s too late.” StabbyMum
14. AITJ For Disputing A Charge On A Check Despite My Date's Objections?
“Yesterday, I went to get brunch with this guy at a nice restaurant as our second date. The date itself was fine until we got the check. I reached for my wallet and offered to pay for my half but he insisted that he wanted to, which was sweet.
He just put his card down in the holder without looking at the check, which I thought was weird. I always check the bill to make sure that everything was accurate, so I asked him if I could take a look and he said sure.
So I looked at the bill and noticed that they charged $2.50 for hot sauce. I asked for hot sauce for my meal but was never told that it would cost extra because who in their right minds charges for hot sauce at a restaurant??
I mean, the hot sauce was homemade and came in a nice little bowl, it was delicious. However, the point was that we were not informed of the cost. I brought it up to my date, who kind of shrugged it off and said that it doesn’t matter.
I disagreed and said that I was going to talk to our waiter about it. He laughed and said it really wasn’t that big of a deal.
When the waiter came by, I complained about the charge and said that he didn’t tell us about charging for hot sauce.
The waiter said that it was a “special” hot sauce; I said if I had known that they charged for the ‘special’ hot sauce, I would have taken Tabasco. The waiter was clearly a little annoyed and said that he would check with his manager about potentially removing the charge.
When the waiter left, my date was annoyed at me and said that he told me not to bring it up and that it was his money and that I was ’embarrassing’ him by ‘confronting’ the waiter.
I was kind of taken aback because I really don’t understand why he would have a problem with me making a complaint about an unfair charge. I told him that this was not even close to a confrontation and that I was doing him a favor.
The waiter came back with a new check that didn’t charge for hot sauce. I offered to pay for half again out of politeness but my date again insisted that he paid.
We hugged awkwardly and left on our own. Obviously, it ended on a sour note and I don’t think we’re going to see each other again. I think he’s a baby too scared of even the tiniest bit of confrontation but maybe I did over insist?
AITJ?
EDIT: Obviously, people think I’m a jerk. That’s fine. But what’s really funny is people who are trying to rub it in my face that I’m not ‘getting’ the third date with this guy.
I KNOW lol. We are not compatible and honestly, I’d end up eating him alive if he considers that kind of thing a confrontation. I don’t want to see him again either.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh wow. YTJ. You are coming off a little rude and unaware here. If someone pays the bill, don’t ask to double-check the amounts, that is just so unnecessary on your end.
I could see if you guys were married and it was your money jointly but come on. Also, it’s one thing to be annoyed about a charge you were not informed of when you’re paying but you weren’t and you clearly insisted on making a fuss to get your way after being well aware of his discomfort, and again, YOU WERE NOT PAYING.
People like you who insist on being the squeaky wheel that gets greased (which let’s be super honest here, it’s a nice way of saying you whine till you get free stuff) are soooo cringingly awkward at times to witness.
You can call him a baby all you want but you come off as unpleasant to be around.” KeeperOfTheArcane197
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – I would also be embarrassed if someone did this on a date.
They obviously thought paying $2.50 for something that you did order, despite the fact that you weren’t informed of the extra cost, was preferable to confronting someone. That’s fine if you don’t feel the same way, but as it was their money and they paid, you should have respected their decision not to question it.
You should not have been taken aback by them being embarrassed, as they had already asked you not to bother about it. Saying that you were doing them a favor comes across as very patronizing, and given what they said earlier, you were not doing them a favor.
I would feel the same- you dropping it was the favor they wanted!” BloomingtonBabble
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and still not getting the big picture. He didn’t get upset about it because he’s ‘scared’ and ‘doesn’t like confrontation’.
He got upset because:
You ordered it and it costs money. I live in the US and I can confidently say that I have never been to a sit-down restaurant where the waiter is expected to tell customers the price of each item they’re ordering before bringing the food out.
In fact, I would be a bit offended if one did. There was nothing unfair about it.
It’s tacky and super cheap to argue about a valid bill charge at a restaurant.
Especially one that is $2 and that you aren’t even paying for.
He directly asked you to drop it and let it be, a request you ignored. Speaks volumes about your character.
You ignored his request all to save 2 bucks, again, speaks volumes about your character.
You came off cheap, tacky, and offensive all for $2 that you weren’t even going to spend.
Now might be a good time for some self-reflection.” GlassHalfFull-12-
Raising a fuss over $2.50 after their date said not to repeatedly is just ridiculous, especially considering that OP wasn't even the one paying the bill!
And even if they were, do they really want to die on this hill over $2.50 for homemade hot sauce (obviously OP doesn't care about ingredient and labor costs)?
Sad thing is, based on the edit OP still doesn't believe they were wrong, and in fact doubled down that their date was just a baby who didn't like confrontation.
Sounds like the only person she'll be compatible with is a Kevin, aka a male Karen.
13. AITJ For Asking My Husband Not To Bring His Friend Around?
“My (43F) husband (45M) has a friend Todd (39M) who he has been hanging out with since we moved to our new state for work five years ago.
When we first moved here, I struggled to find a new job.
Todd would make passive-aggressive comments about how nice it must be to have someone to support me. When I told my husband about it, he told me that Todd was joking and didn’t mean it.
I told him that it offended me and that I didn’t find it funny and he told me that I was taking it out of context.
Since then, Todd has made more offensive comments.
Last month when I brought my husband a coffee and some food to his work (he was working overtime and was tired and hungry) Todd saw me in the parking lot and remarked about how nice it must be to have a wife that brings coffee and food on command.
I told him that I was not a dog, and do not talk to me like that. The next day when he saw my husband, he told him about the conversation we had in the parking lot and said that I was rude to him for no reason.
So I told my husband what he said, and I told him that I will not be spoken to like that. My husband told me that I need to relax and that he didn’t mean to be rude.
Last week was the last straw. I replaced my phone after seven years of having it. I had been saving for six months to pay in full for the new phone.
Unbeknownst to me, my husband had ordered it for me as a surprise! I was so excited and happy to finally have a phone that worked right. The night that I got it we went out to dinner and ran into Todd while we were waiting for a table.
Apparently, he knew that my husband was getting me a new phone, and even remarked how spoiled I was and how hard my husband works for me to just spend his coin.
I saw red. I told him that first of all, I didn’t spend his money, he did. That I have a job and am more than capable of buying my own phone and that he was a petty, jealous jerk who was angry because he can’t find a girl who will put up with his crap so he takes it out on me because I’m the only woman who will speak to him.
We ended up just going home, and my husband gave me the silent treatment the whole ride home. As soon as we walked in the door he told me that I embarrassed him.
I told him that I was embarrassed when his friend told me that I was some kind of money-grubbing leech and he just stood there and allowed it to happen.
I told him that I do not want Todd around anymore and that he wasn’t welcome in the house. My husband thinks that I am overreacting and that is just how Todd is.
AITJ for asking my husband not to bring him around anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tried to talk to your husband about how Todd makes you feel multiple times.
Your husband ignored you so you eventually snapped. Tell your husband he can marry Todd if Todd’s feelings are more important than yours. I guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot, and you had a friend disrespecting your husband, they would be banned no question.” jhercules
Another User Comments:
“My gal,
Don’t be angry. I’d play into Todd’s jerkery. See he’s Jealous.
Todd knows he could never get anyone half as great as you.
Personally, I am a stay-at-home woman and have been for 6 years due to health reasons. I might not earn the way I used to. I support my hubs. I cook for him.
I get up and make him all his meals. I clean the kitchen. I take care of him. I’ve been teased as Todd has teased you, and I just kiss my hubs cheek and call him my sugar daddy and giggle.
We both laugh especially when that person got super embarrassed.
Lol. Oh, Todd, my hubby is awesome. Why wouldn’t I bring him his lunch? Oh, Todd, of course, hubby bought me a new phone, I’m such a good wifey (I’d apply my lipstick and wink at my hubby and giggle if it was me).
Todd is jealous of you and your hubs. Make him more jealous. I’d really get into it and let him seethe in frustration.
Cause screw that jerkhead. You got a sweetie of a hubby, good luck.
NTJ.” DepressedPennies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told your husband on several occasions how you felt about rude comments Todd made and he told you your feelings were wrong. This kind of repeated invalidation/minimization of your feelings combined with his employing the silent treatment is troubling.
At the very least, it stifles honest, healthy communication that is vital to the health of your relationship. At worst, it’s part of a greater pattern of emotional abuse.
Regarding Todd, jerks like him live for getting a reaction to their dumb comments.
So if you bump into him, there are tons of tactics for dealing with this kind of narcissistic behavior. The gray rock is one of them. Just be boring, bland, agree with him in the most boring way possible.
‘Yep, what can I say? I’m spoiled. My husband takes care of me. I have a nice new phone.’ You don’t care what Todd thinks or says about you.
Don’t give him the pleasure of taking the bait.” DrKittyKevorkian
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepkids To Live With Me?
“My sister married a man who had 3 kids. I’ll call him ‘John’.
The mothers of John’s kids are not in the picture.
The eldest son’s mom may have been undocumented and they abandoned the baby with John (they were 15) and they don’t even know her identity. The other boy’s mom passed away when they were babies.
My sister became pregnant and then married him having a baby girl just after the wedding.
When the baby was about 3 months old John had an accident at work and passed away.
The stepchildren are 16, 8 & 7.
They had bought a home right before the baby was born. We had told them it was a bad idea but they bought a home that needed major work and ended up having a lot more issues than they thought.
But he was very into handy type work and wanted to build it with his own two hands. But obviously didn’t get a chance.
My sister was struggling financially. And the home wasn’t really in any livable condition, especially not with children.
My parents live in a retirement community and while they are well enough off they can’t really afford to support my sister and a mess of kids. My mother suggested/pushed me to let my sister come stay with me until she can sell the home and get back on her feet.
The house is a mess and I doubt she will get much for it and right now with all going on in the world who knows how long it will take.
My husband and I are doing quite well right now and have a nice home with a guest room. I live with my husband and two girls under the age of 5.
I told my sister that she could come and stay in my guest room with the baby. She asked about the other kids… And I told her there wasn’t really enough room for all of them to stay for so long.
How would 3 boys, one being a teenager, her and a baby all going to fit into one bedroom!? She wanted the boys to stay in our family room. Which I think is absurd as they could be here for months, a year?!
Or more!
And she accused me of being racist, which I am not. But I just am worried about having a teenage boy (of any race) that we really don’t know in the house.
She barely has even gotten to know these kids.
Wouldn’t it be fairer for the kids to go live with their actual family who they have known their whole life?
I know the grandparents were willing to take the boys in. They just lost their father and are now with a practical stranger and we have barely ever even met them.
That has to be harder on them.
My parents and husband agree with me.
But my sister is refusing to even consider. I think she is definitely hurting herself and her baby just to spite everyone and be stubborn.
Maybe she has some guilt because of John passing but she needs to be responsible right now and make more logical choices.
But when explaining this to my coworker they said I was a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Has she signed up for social security survivor benefits for each of the kids? That should help. She needs to apply for as many benefits and programs as she can to help her raise these kids.
Food stamps, housing assistance, WIC, etc.
She probably wants the kids to be kept together. It’s a stabilizing agent in their lives to not be separated. She loved their father, and these kids are the last bits of him left behind in this world.
I know single moms who have holed up with 4 kids in a single room to make things work. I’m sure that’s how she’s feeling. She should reach out to the boys’ grandparents for help, and ask the kids what THEY want.
If they want to stick together, they should. They’ve been through enough trauma without being forced to live apart.” NimueLovesCoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you obviously don’t have space, I don’t get why your sister won’t let them stay with their family that wants them there?
I don’t know how long she’s even been in their life but has she even bothered to ask what they want? What if they don’t want to be with her?
And honestly your right, you’re going to be stuck with your sister for a long time, she doesn’t seem like the motivated type even before she lost her husband. You literally don’t have room and she needs to think about what’s best for the kids, and that’s their grandparents!
And from what you’ve said about her don’t be surprised if your miserable having her live with you. I doubt she’ll be able to get a job that can support a family this big and pay for their own place to live plus childcare and everything else.
You don’t even have a relationship and you don’t have room for everyone. It’s that simple. Your parents enabled her behavior so it should be their responsibility.
Your coworker was wrong because as you can tell this is the worst place to go.
You say one ‘wrong thing’ even though you’re trying to describe the situation the best you can and people twist it around on you.” seba_make
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
There’s nothing wrong with not having room for a family with four children, but if you weren’t willing to take in the whole family, you shouldn’t have offered in the first place.
It feels like the answer was ‘no’ from the start, but you’re clearly resentful of your sister and her family and it feels like you’re trying to “teach her a lesson” by giving her an impossible choice.
Also, there’s a whole lot of dehumanization going on in your post and comments when it comes to Hispanic people. I can’t help but think that your insistence that your sister ‘hasn’t bonded’ or ‘doesn’t really know’ these kids is partially founded on racism.
It may not be a conscious thing, but I would encourage you to think about how you view your nephews and why you feel the way you do about them, especially if your parents were worried when your sister and John got married just because he was Hispanic.
You may have to do some work identifying harmful ideas and behaviors that you picked up from them and unlearn them, especially if you ever want to have a positive relationship with your sister and her family.” Isabump
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You clearly don’t have space for what could be an indefinite situation so you can’t take in your sister’s family unless you’re willing to put up with that.
Your sister should recognize this and see if the boy’s grandparents have space for them all. It sounds like less of a stretch for them than for you.
However, suggesting the family split based on b***d relation is remarkably cold.
It sounds like your sister considers those kids to be her own or at least her responsibility, why would you want to break that up? I could almost say NTJ if you’d suggested the teenager stay with his grandparents because he’d need more space but it sounds like you have some conscious or unconscious prejudices here because he’s a teenage minority.” Axnanth
11. AITJ For Tossing Uninvited Guest Out Of Our Guesthouse?
“My husband and I are retired, living here in Costa Rica. We’re not rich, we’re not poor, we’re merely comfortably retired after many years working and saving. Things are also much cheaper here, we could not live like this in the States.
Before Thanksgiving my husband met a man who told my husband he was a ‘personal trainer’, wanting my husband to hire him. My husband came home and told me he’s hiring this guy who I am going to call Jose.
I shrugged and said okay. He’s struggled with his weight for years. Skinny or chonky I love him anyway. I keep telling him to be happy about his body and work gradually, but his personality is it’s all or nothing and sets him up spectacularly for failure.
Day one with the trainer Jose. Jose shows up and proclaims the hubby needs fruit smoothies and yoga to lose weight.
Very long story short. I emerge and my large kitchen is trashed. I mean cut-up peels and fruit pieces everywhere.
Half my industrial-sized bottle of raw honey was gone, and so was the last of our sugar. So he’s feeding my husband a drink that would send a diabetic into a coma.
Every towel in the house was now dirty and on the floor. Outside was trashed too! I saw red! I have mast cell disorder and I have good days and bad days.
I don’t need this type of workload thrown on me. Particularly since the start of 2020 means the lady that comes in twice a week to help me out with the cleaning is now back in Nicaragua and all the cleaning falls on me now.
Including some I am not supposed to do according to my doctor, like dusting and sweeping.
My husband bounces in all happy and says that the trainer is moving in with us for the next month and Jose will train him for free in exchange for rent.
I immediately say no, telling him I’m not comfortable with Jose moving in because my husband just met him. Could be a serial killer, or a scammer for all we know.
He tells Jose I’m the big meanie would not let him move in. I’m okay with being thought of as the jerk in this situation.
Jose moves in a week and a half later after telling a tale of having to go to his brother the next day that makes no sense.
That one short overnight stay morphs into a week that includes:
Staying up all night drinking, playing loud music, and keeping the lights on
Breaking the washer, dryer, Roomba and other small appliances in the guesthouse
Coming up with schemes like filming a yoga video at our house, wanting to teach a huge yoga class to strangers at our house, asking for more and more after having received 5oo bucks for training.
Stealing plants from neighbors to ‘relandscape’ our yard.
And all sorts of assorted nonsense that week stay that was supposed to be one night
I lost my temper and angrily threw him out.
Now my husband says I’m the jerk for not giving him a chance.
ETA: My husband ran into Jose at the grocery store and Jose went on a long anti-religion rant against American Christians after his husband asked why he’d stopped going to church.
I got an apology. Apparently, he finally figured out this guy is a scammer.”
Another User Comments:“NTJ. Fellow mastie here – you do NOT need that extra disaster risk in your life.
I have serious reactions to random things; things strangers can bring in or cause. Outdoor pollen, mold, extra dirt, and other cleaning stuff can send me into a week-long reaction.
I imagine you may experience something similar…
You seriously do NOT need someone like that around, especially amid current chaos (even if cases aren’t high around you) nor do you need an expensive leech.
If your husband wants a real trainer, there are excellent ones or legit companies that would work with him. Even some gyms have gone online or have set times you can get a trainer.
One who doesn’t act like a moron at our you stop risk.
Edit: to add in case someone doesn’t know what a mast de disorder is- short version: we develop allergic style reactions to any and everything (yes ever our own sweat or tears in some cases) and can go into anaphylactic shock.
We also have a myriad of symptoms and side effects from the huge doses of medications we have to take to stave off those reactions- because there is no cure, only kinda half-asses management right now.
Managing it is a FULL-TIME JOB with a lot of restrictions for both your safety and that of others (there’s nothing like ruining a party by being rushed via ambulance to an ER due to a surprise food ingredient…).” S3xySouthernB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, you’re dealing with this and you’re hubby also thinks you’re ah but he’s just blind to it. That man was a scammer and he does this to people.
Your husband was just unfortunately swept up in it all. It’ll get better soon at least the worse of it is over. Also, tell your hubby that honey is great in smoothies with fruit.
One banana two handfuls of blueberry and honey to taste. But sugar is where he was lying to him and hurting him more than he was helping him.” Troyler4Life
10. AITJ For Storming Out Of The Restaurant And Not Paying Tip?
“My significant other (19M) and I (18F) went to a nice restaurant for lunch one day. However, when both dishes arrived, one was not the one we ordered. When I got the waiter’s attention, he insisted that we ordered the dish and as such would not take it back and exchange it for the one we actually ordered. He insisted that since we ‘confirmed’ with him when we ordered, there were no refunds.
I was upset, especially because this wasn’t my first time here and he never repeated back our order. And I was 100% sure that when we ordered, I ordered a chicken curry katsu, not a seafood noodle dish.
To add more insult to injury, the dish had shrimp, which my significant other was allergic to. I certainly knew I would not have ordered this dish especially since the seafood noodle dish was almost twenty dollars compared to the eleven-dollar dish I wanted.
But the waiter insisted, even going so far as to say they wouldn’t let us leave the restaurant unless we paid. I’m not a very confrontational person by nature (and my significant other is really shy) and I was already pretty embarrassed that we were making a scene since the restaurant was pretty small and we were already sharing a table with another couple that we didn’t know.
So after the waiter left, I was so embarrassed that I told my partner I didn’t want to eat there anymore, so we asked to go boxes and took our lunch home.
The reason I think I might be a jerk for this is that I didn’t give tip and when the waiter came to pick up our check, I told him that this wasn’t right and that they shouldn’t treat a customer like this.
And when I went to push in the chair, I was so upset, I used too much force so it ended up looking like I slammed the chair in anger.
I know it probably wasn’t the waiter’s fault and most likely the restaurant’s policy (it was a small family-owned restaurant, but it had hour-long wait times every day during lunch and dinner times ) so I shouldn’t have taken it out on the waiter.
But I thought it should be fine since we took our orders to go right after they served us the wrong dish, so I really didn’t want to pay tip for the service especially since we didn’t even get the correct order.
In all the other restaurants I’ve been to before, whenever a dish was incorrect, the restaurant always offered to fix it, so it was my first time dealing with such a pushy policy.
AITJ for storming out of the restaurant and not paying tip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all in my opinion
As a former waitress, I do my absolute best to tip even if the service wasn’t the best. I don’t expect perfection.
We are all human and mistakes happen. What I do care about is how those mistakes are handled and corrected. I’m not the type of customer who wants my entire tables meal comped because of one error.
I would just like to not be charged for the wrong item and will happily pay for the correct one. My major pet peeve is letting my drink stay empty for long but even then I tip 15%.
When the service is great I tip 20% or more. Your server was a jerk. I have never been to a restaurant that wouldn’t correct a mistake. If that had been my server I would have tipped just a single penny or nothing at all.
I suggest reaching out to corporate or if they are a small local restaurant, I would leave a detailed review of your experience there.” Phoenix92885
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he was a jerk that refused to admit he made a mistake.
Did you ask for the manager? You aren’t a confrontational person – but personally, I would have told him to call the cops. Bullys usually don’t know what to do when their bluffs are called.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, even if it’s store policy. He sounded like a jerk, and he could’ve explained why he couldn’t return it. You described it as he was adamant that you had ordered it.” JonnyHotbody6463
9. AITJ For Asking My Friend Not To Invite My Ex To His Wedding?
“My ex and I were high school sweethearts and we were together for around 6 years. We started going out in high school and we stayed together in uni since we were in the same city, then we broke up a few months after we graduated. If it matters, I broke up with him.
This was in 2012 and we literally haven’t seen each other or talked since but we still have some mutual friends from high school and uni.
One of those mutual friends got married last month and I was at the wedding party.
When he and his fiance were putting together the guest list I asked them not to invite my ex. Weddings are hard enough when you’re single and I really just wanted to celebrate and enjoy my friend’s wedding in peace.
I didn’t want to stress about running into my ex and his new wife all night. They understood and they did not invite my ex to their wedding.
Recently I was hanging out with some friends and my ex got brought up and someone asked why he missed the wedding.
The bride explained he wasn’t invited because of me. I saw some of the other people exchange glances with each other like it was weird. But no one actually said anything to me.
One of my best friends is getting married at the end of the year on NYE and I’m a bridesmaid and I asked her to not invite my ex to her wedding for the same reasons.
They haven’t sent out invitations yet but as far as I know, he will not be invited.
I feel like since I’m at the wedding party it’s not unfair of me to ask my friends for this favor so I don’t feel uncomfortable.
I probably wouldn’t have asked them if I was just a regular guest. Also, I’m much closer friends with the couples getting married than my ex is and I think if they really wanted him to be there then they wouldn’t have uninvited him just because I asked.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! It isn’t your day. It isn’t a day that you get to even think that the day is about you. It’s extremely selfish and rather sad that you can’t get over it for a few hours for your friends’ sake.
If they had/have him on the list, that would imply that they wanted him to come to their wedding and enjoy it just like you were able to.
I will say that I could possibly understand the request if it ended on extremely bad means, i.e.: abuse/something that would physically/emotionally harm you in some way.
But if it ended on rather ‘okayish’ terms as I’m (admittedly) assuming here, then this is one thing you should have kept quiet about.
Being in the bridal party doesn’t give you any special privileges, or requests besides being able to sit at the head table.
This request was extremely jerk-y, and rather disappointing. It honest to god doesn’t matter if you’re comfortable or not. Weddings are about two people coming into a union. Not a place to make engagement/pregnancy announcements, upstaging the bride, or making requests that have nothing to do with the two getting married.” Book_Hoarding_Dragon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Shortly after I left college, I attended the wedding of my good friend from high school, Jane. It was a mini high school reunion of all of our friend groups, yet everyone was asking why Bill wasn’t there.
Everyone had assumed that Bill would be there because Bill and Jane had been childhood friends before he qualified to go to the magnet program in our high school that Jane and we happened to attend.
Well, Bill wasn’t there because his ex, and one of Jane’s best friends, Sara, was at the wedding party, and had insisted that Bill not be invited. The rumor circulating was that she even threatened to drop out of the wedding if he were invited. Mind you they had broken up 5 years prior in their freshman year of college/uni and Sara had brought her partner of 3 years to the wedding.
Jane was clearly distraught when finding out that people were wondering why Bill wasn’t there and Sara only seemed to be amused by this talk about his absence. Whenever reminiscing about Jane’s wedding, it seems people always bring up what a shame that Bill wasn’t there and how Sara was being petty.
Bill and Jane never had the same level of friendship after. Names changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent of course.
Don’t be like Sara. This is your best friend’s day, not yours.
This will cause a cloud to hang over your friend’s wedding and everyone will know exactly why and that it was you being insecure about an ancient relationship. It was 7 years ago.
If you haven’t gotten over it at this point, you need to talk to a therapist as this is far from healthy.” genericnewlurker
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ. That day is not about you at all.
If you guys had just broken up or he was abusive or other mitigating circumstances then maybe you’d have a leg to stand on. But you guys broke up seven years ago when you were both quite young.
And while he might not be as close with your friends as you are now you are keeping him from multiple weddings for no other reason than it would be awkward for you.
That’s kind of trashy to do to him, he might really want to celebrate his friend’s marriage and how far will you go with it? How many weddings will you get him uninvited from just so you don’t have to do the mature thing and see your ex for literally one night?
Being at the wedding party does not give special privileges over the guest list, your job is to support and help the couple.******* up, smile, and get over yourself.” missluluh
8. WIBTJ If I Tell My Roommate I Don't Want To Renew Lease With Her?
“My roommate ‘H’ is a disgusting roommate. We were friends before we moved in together and living with her has made me resent her.
We are both 27. I’m a working professional and she calls herself a ‘struggling artist.’ I am going to move out even though I don’t want to (love the apartment and location).
I tried all means of finding a compromise with her and we’ve had multiple little conversations about her hygiene habits and about 3 big heated conversations about it.
Most recently was dealing with a family member’s passing and the apartment just got really bad because I wasn’t in the right headspace to care.
I knew I was the one who did most of the cleaning but didn’t realize how much I did till this situation. Took me about 3 weeks to finally have the energy and I cleaned up my mess.
A week passed and her mess was still there and getting worse. I reminded her and nothing. I finally have a sit-down conversation and her attitude was just horrible! She acted like a brat, rolling her eyes and giving me the ‘Are you serious’ look.
She didn’t say much besides ‘this is just going to happen from time to time, I’m a messy person and I can’t really do much about it besides clean when I have the energy’.
I kept it together and proposed that we get a cleaner and she said ‘that is ridiculous, you know I don’t have money since I’m not working.’ (Ms. Don’t Have Coins just bought a pair of Adidas.)
Side topic venting: Although her name is on the lease I am put down as head of household as I make 4 times her income. The only way she was eligible for this place is because of my income.
And most of the furniture is mine (additionally annoys me since she doesn’t care for it).
This is where I think I may be the jerk here. I’m very resentful and nothing has changed. As I type this, there is a half-eaten slice of pie growing mold on the coffee table.
Our lease ends right before Thanksgiving and I have plans to tell her on Nov. 1st that I found a new place and moving out at the end. This gives her a little under 30 days to figure it out.
Would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you give her less time. Just tell her that the lease is ending and so is the roommate situation. Roommate already leaves messes and is a slob.
A few more weeks more notice may get her out the door without you having to move. Present the notice in a matter-of-fact manner and don’t let her get under your skin.
When roommate knows that she can’t get you riled, she will move on to some other approach, which is hopefully, making a speedy exit.” wind-river7
Another User Comments:
“For moving out, you would not be a jerk – I’ve not continued living with people due to this sort of situation.
However if you already know now that you have another place and are intentionally waiting a month to tell her to make things more difficult for her to find somewhere – then I think yes, YWBTJ.
You don’t want to live with her- fine, but maliciously making it far more difficult for her when you already know you are moving is a friendship-ending move. You might resent her now but being petty and deliberately obstructive for her finding a new living situation is quite cruel and may well permanently end your previous friendship if she realizes you knew for over a month before you told her.
Please tell her now.” Betweentheminds
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ I wasn’t going to say this until I saw your comment about the reason for you telling her so late being payback.
Putting someone in a situation where they could end up without a home, especially during the holidays/winter, is not payback, it’s just cruel especially when you know that she doesn’t have a job.
She would most likely have to find a job before searching for a place because a lot of places require proof of income. Living in a dirty environment is awful, but it’s not grounds for this kind of payback…” PaintChipSundae
I tell you from experience, you are probably about to lose a friend and you need to just move on without major regrets because it is highly unlikely she will become a neat freak or not be offended by your being repulsed by her living habits.
How you handle it with her will tell your jerk status. Do give her plenty of notice.
7. WIBTJ For Wanting An Autistic Kid's Parents To Pay For Damages?
“Earlier today I (22M) had parked my car in my apartment complex and was waiting to pick a friend up. As I waited a kid who looked maybe 7-8 on a bicycle came in between my car and another car and scratched the side on a handlebar.
The gap between the two cars was pretty narrow and the opposite side was wide open so I was taken aback by it. I tried to call him back but he drove past without hearing me.
So I waited for him to come back and stood in front of him and asked him in a ticked-off tone what his apartment number was so that I could speak to his parents.
But he seemed distracted and something seemed a little off. He kinda started to make odd whining sounds and whistles and I realized he could be autistic or stressed out, so I tried to calm him down a bit.
I changed the tone of my voice and tried to ask if his parents were nearby (He was on his own and our apartment complex’s interior is a safe area) or if he could tell me which block he was in.
He seemed to calm down a little but wanted me to hold onto his handlebars and basically let the cycle drop between his legs if I didn’t hold it.
He told me his house number, and I made sure he was all right and able to balance again before my friend came and we needed to leave.
Unfortunately, my car now has an 8-9 centimeter (around 3 inches) scratch on the right rear door and it’ll cost me a bit to repair it.
I can afford the repair, but I thought it was only fair if the kid’s parents reimbursed me for it. I mentioned this to my mom, who told me that it wasn’t the kid’s fault so I should be more sympathetic to the parents.
While I do sympathize and don’t really blame the kid, I said that it wasn’t really fair for me to have to pay for the repair when it happened through no fault of mine.
I planned to meet the parents tomorrow and while I think I’m not being unreasonable, I wanted a second opinion.
Update: I’ll meet the parents tomorrow and as planned I’ll be as courteous and understanding as possible with them.
I don’t really blame the kid and I was worried if he might have been too scared when I asked him about his parents, but in the end, he did basically hold on to me and wanted me to hold his cycle up for him instead of letting me leave, so I think he had probably felt more comfortable.
I understand that I am making an assumption that he may be autistic, I don’t really have much experience with autism, but I have a cousin who has cerebral palsy and autism, so I tried to speak with him in an even tone.
I don’t think I sounded angry, but I think I was able to get that out of my voice at the end. I’m aware that his parents are well off, due to the neighborhood we live in and the costs of living here.
Regardless, I don’t think I’ll be asking them to pay the full amount. I’ve done my fair share of property damage playing football (soccer) as a kid, so it’s probably karma too lol.
I will however buy a couple of chocolates for the kid and take note of how his parents react and try to paint the situation as positively as I can for him.
I don’t think they would punish him severely or disproportionately, but I’ll keep in mind some of the advice suggested. Like I’d mentioned earlier, our apartment is a pretty safe place, so I think the parents were a little more comfortable having him unsupervised, but I’ll mention that this could be a little problematic in the future.
In response to a few comments; Firstly, no I’m not American. I’m Indian and this happened in Chennai, India. Secondly, my question was in the context of whether or not I’d be a jerk to ask for a refund when fixing the damage caused. While the scratch may not be too much to you, it is to me, so it’s my call to fix it and that’s not something I’m gonna say is a mistake.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you can afford the repair, please be willing to accept a part contribution for it. They may not have the funds to cover it but it is their child who did the damage.
Be understanding and forgiving. Also would be good to mention to them that when he seemed to get upset you responded to calm him. It’s hard having a neurodiverse child and knowing a person sees the child’s value and good parts makes it easier to deal with hard situations.” weird-at-parties
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You changed your tone when you picked up on his possible autism and proceeded in a polite and gentle manner. That alone doesn’t make you the jerk, as I’m sure other people with fewer manners would’ve lost it on the kid.
Definitely talk to the parents about reimbursing the repair. As other comments have said, just because he’s learning impaired doesn’t mean that he’s absolved of any personal responsibility.
Phrase it as a teachable moment that the parents can use on their kid!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Autistic children don’t get a free pass to do damage to others’ belongings.
They need direction, structure, love, and discipline just like any other kid. At the very least inform the parents so that they know their child needs supervision while bike riding in the parking lot.” ohgodnonotthesun
6. AITJ For Not Giving Our Baby A Gender-Neutral Name?
“Wife (27F) and I (27M) are expecting a baby girl by June. We both agreed we wanted to know the baby’s gender just for curiosity since she is our first baby.
We have been together for 8 years and married for 2. We have had the baby talk before and we discussed how many we plan on having, where, how far apart in age we would like them to be, etc… names hadn’t been an issue until we found out the gender.
I love the name Juliet for a baby girl but my wife says she doesn’t want any traditional girl or boy’s name she wants a gender-neutral name in case our kids ever decide they want to transition.
I agree there are some beautiful gender-neutral names like Riley for example but even that name she says has become more female representing. I mentioned to her that most people who transition end up changing their names to one they identify with so even if we were to give them a gender-neutral name they might end up changing it.
I also mentioned some people change their names just because, my grandma is one of those people and I used her as an example but she won’t budge. Wife kind of threatened to not give me a choice and will tell nurses and doctors beforehand to not ask me for the baby’s information for the birth certificate.
I feel it is ridiculous and a name shouldn’t take away any rights or opinions on my baby girl. I just need to know.
AITJ for not choosing a gender-neutral name for our baby girl?
EDIT: The names I had in mind apart from Juliet was Orion, Violet, Scarlet, and Dakota primarily traditional girl names Names she’s chosen are Hunter, Scout, Payton, Rory, Morgan, and Kai.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think it’s very honorable of you two to even consider your child may be trans- but it’s not all about the name. Telling them about the existence of trans and queer people and letting them be the person who they are regardless of gender through education and space to explore is more important in my opinion.
I am nonbinary transmasculine and did have a common female name that I couldn’t keep on using however I do know some people who keep their names and instead challenge the gendered connotations of it.
It will come down to your child in the end.
I see two parents who both want to do the best for their child and feel stressed about picking right.
Your wife is very close to being the jerk simply by threatening to keep you out of the decision, but I think this is more about stress and feeling unheard?
Choosing a name was hard even for me and I am only one person. I went with a traditionally male first and gender-neutral middle name in the end and am using both on the regular.
To regard a name as a gift that can be kept or be appreciated and then ‘set free’ helped my parents once I chose to change my name. Other people have already suggested it, but maybe Juliet could be a middle name?
I know several people of different genders that go by Jules which could be a neutral nickname as well.
Keep talking and trying to hear each other’s fears and stay kind to each other.
The most important thing is to support your growing family right now. Best of luck!” Birkenlaubers
Another User Comments:
“This is worrying to me, your child is not even here yet and she is already threatening to cut you out of a very important part of the baby’s life because you won’t do what she wants.
Also, I have never heard of anyone giving a child a gender-neutral name in case they want to transition. Who is even thinking of that before a child is born?
I think some serious counseling should be in order because I personally would be worried about her projecting something she wants onto your child. Some parents think they are being helpful by guiding a child from an early age to not identify with their gender, which is no more helpful than forcing a female who prefers pants, short hair, and no make-up into dresses and highlights.
This is an actual issue that needs to be addressed before the child is born. NTJ by the way.” Awkward-Train1584
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Trying to pick a name based on what you think your future child’s personality/identity might be is impossible.
Could your daughter end up identifying as male? Sure. But it’s just as likely that they end up being a total girly girl. There are not a lot of names that would be neutral enough to fit with any possible personality/identity.
Generally speaking, unless you have a name with sentimental or cultural significance, pick a name that will be easy to spell, easy to pronounce, and that doesn’t rhyme with any common playground insults.
If your kid doesn’t like it for some reason down the road, they can go with a nickname or change it altogether.
Most importantly for right now, you and your wife need to agree on a name and not let this debate overshadow your joy and excitement of welcoming your baby into the world.
I think sometimes when everything is overwhelming, people tend to get stuck on one detail and make it the focus of all their worries – it’s easier than admitting to themselves that they are worried about many things.
It is normal to have some anxiety around having a baby! It is ok to admit that you are anxious about things like the birth, taking care of a newborn, the impact this will have on your lives, etc. – communicate with each other, give each other permission to voice these fears.
Remember – you are a team!
For what it’s worth, I like all of the names both you and your wife have suggested (except may Orion).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“You need to decide on a name together, so even though you’re right that kids who transition usually change their name even if their deadname was gender-neutral, you still should not be looking at this as your way vs her way.
You need to find a name you both like. With baby names, you both have veto power, but neither one of you has singular deciding power.
For what it’s worth, IDK where you are, but where I am (Midatlantic US) Dakota is very much a gender-neutral name, whereas Scout and Rory are names I’ve only seen girls have.
Orion also is unusual enough where I am to absolutely be gender-neutral. But I assume you must not be from my same culture if you see Orion as a decidedly female name.
My point is, you both going to have to compromise to find a name you both like. Maybe both of you could go down gender-neutral baby lists and make your own lists of names you like, and then see what names you both have on your lists.
Eeveryone sucks here for not approaching it like a team.” roadsidechicory
I also agree that a new gender identity is typically sealed with choosing a new name to leave the old life behind. It is sort of a right of passage.
5. AITJ For Telling My Stepdad He Doesn't Deserve Anything?
“We are struggling. My stepdad lost his job several months ago and he’s not been looking for anything else because ‘no one is hiring’ which isn’t true at all.
My mom’s job doesn’t pay a whole lot so we barely make rent and bills. We have food, and my mom is great at making food stretch, but the problem is my stepdad.
My mom will make dinner, and he’ll hoover his down, then try to take someone else’s. He gets the biggest portion by far, and he’s still trying to take from others.
And I don’t mean asking if you’re going to finish, I mean he’ll literally try to take your plate from you if he thinks you aren’t eating fast enough.
It’s prison rules. My mom will tell him to eat some peanut butter toast or something, but no, he doesn’t want that, he wants more dinner.
Last night a fight happened because of it.
It was my sister’s birthday and this local mom and pop place runs a great deal on Thursdays, my Aunt sent my sister monetary gift for her birthday and she decided to get it.
The slices are big, which they advertise as New York style. So all plated up everyone would get 2 slices of pizza, 2 breadsticks, and a serving of salad. It was plenty of food, but not for his greedy pig.
Oh no, what he wanted to do was, he’d get the pizza, my mom and I would share the breadsticks and my sister would get the salad, ‘since she’s a girl.’ My sister said no, and he started complaining and badgering her about it and he said ‘but this won’t fill me up and I deserve to be full.’ I lost it.
I admit it wasn’t one of my finer moments, but I’m not sorry either. I said no, the person who worked all day, deserves to be full, the birthday girl who funded her own birthday meal deserves to be full, the guy who sat on his butt all day playing video games doesn’t deserve anything.
He started yelling and demanding an apology but I refused. My sister and I took our plates and our mom’s plate into my room and locked the door. My mom and he had a big fight last night over it.
This morning he asked me if I was happy because I’d upset my mom. I said he upset her with his behavior and left. Now I’m worried I went too far because I don’t want my mom to be unhappy either.
I don’t feel like I am, but maybe I am, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your step-father potentially needs therapy if he thinks that behavior is okay. Sounds like he might be depressed over losing his job and is using food as a crutch.
But that 100% does not excuse his actions and is not your problem as a child.
I actually empathize with you hugely on this. When I was 15 my mother was with a leech.
They eventually broke up but he couldn’t move out until he had himself together; except instead of getting a job, he’d gamble and drink away his welfare check each week.
I never understood why mum put up with it tbh. But one day I had enough. He said something trashy about how I did nothing but spend time online and I told him to get out of my house.
I’m amazed to this day it worked. I woke up the next morning and he was gone, I never heard from him or saw him again. I never asked mum about it – she wasn’t home when it happened and I didn’t want to bring attention to my ‘disrespecting an adult’ – but I’m assuming she just needed a push and my having enough motivated her to get rid of him.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he’s the one who upsets your mom, not you. If this isn’t his normal behavior, I’d say he’s not feeling like a man, not being able to provide, and he’s trying to have some sort of fake manly moment to make himself feel better- like he gets the biggest portions because he’s the big man who takes care of the family??
Taking food from your actual plates is disgusting!! Not to mention absolutely rude. From now on with dinner, I’d hold up your fork in a threatening way and tell him your plate of food is yours and he isn’t welcome to it and you will defend it.
Then proceed to use a fork on any wandering hands near your plate.” SnooAvocados6720
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Everything you said was absolutely right! But to be honest, your mom is a jerk too for keeping him in your life, she should be putting her kids first and kicking him out.
He seems like a type, even when he was working I bet it was hard to be around him. Don’t worry about your mom, because she chooses to stay with him.
She chooses to let him get away with his behavior. I’m glad he got in a fight about it though because it shows she was mad too but she seriously needs to do something about his laziness and selfishness.” seba_make
Greed, sloth, and gluttony are sins. His cup seems to runneth over.
4. AITJ For Not Participating In My Friend's Plan To Sell His Ketcup?
“My friend, Zoltar (fake name), has been obsessed with ketchup ever since I met him. He is always trying out different recipes to make his own ketchup and getting me and all our friends to try them.
Recently he made ‘his best ketchup yet’. I tried it. It wasn’t bad. It was ketchup. Now he has decided he is ‘finally going to break into the ketchup game.’
He is convinced he is going to launch his own ketchup company and grow it to be one of the top providers of ketchup in the US. He literally has a photo of Heinz ketchup on a dartboard.
He throws darts at it and mutters things like ‘I’m coming for YOU.’
Anyways he has a scheme he wants me and others to participate in. Essentially it involves us all going to a restaurant, sitting at different tables, and enacting lines from a scene he wrote that will culminate in all of us trying and loving his ketchup and convincing the manager to buy it.
He wants us all to memorize lines.
The gist of it is one guy is supposed to call over a waitress and say he likes the french fries but hates the ketchup.
I am supposed to lean over (from another table) and say ‘Sorry to butt in, hah hah, but I have to agree. I’m tired of this old-fashioned, factory-produced ketchup. Where’s the real tomato flavor?’ After a few other people do this, my friend is going to say ‘You guys won’t believe this, but I’m a ketchup chef, and I have a few samples.
Would you want to give it a shot?’
At this point, everyone is supposed to try the ketchup and act astounded by it, and basically all exclaim it is the best ketchup they ever had.
I am supposed to stand up on my table and ‘make a trumpet sound effect’ and then yell to the entire restaurant ‘We have the best ketchup ever made over here!
Everyone come on over!’
One of the other people is supposed to get the manager of the place over and we are all supposed to try to convince him or her to buy an order of my friend’s ketchup.
He is going to act ‘surprised and embarrassed’ and try to tell us to ‘stop putting this poor guy on the spot’ in regards to the manager. He then assumes he will make a ‘huge sale’.
Then he wants to do this same ‘operation’ at other places in town.
I told him no way am I doing this. I hate public speaking/acting and having attention focused on me, also the idea is just so dumb and crazy to me.
I told him that straight up. He acted offended and said I am ‘ruining his dreams.’
I am astounded by this but some of my friends agree and think he is showing ‘hustle’ and that we should all help him launch his ketchup business.
Aside from his ketchup obsession Zoltar is one of my best friends but it seems our friendship is being ruined. A lot of people are telling me I am a jerk for going against his dream and not helping out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This sounds fake just because of how outlandishly stupid that idea is. It feels like your friend is a character in a comedy show or movie.
His idea is unlikely to work, and you were right to tell him your thoughts and feelings regarding the plan and your role. However, I also think criticism without offering an alternative isn’t always helpful.
You obviously don’t have to do that, but I think he needs all the help he can get.
If I were you, I would help him figure out what he actually could do to start this business.
He’s definitely way ahead of himself, and I’m 95% sure that he needs to take a lot more steps than just product formulation before shopping for businesses. He probably needs to patent the product and trademarks his brand.
He probably needs to get it tested for safety. And he definitely needs to figure out the minimum amount of product he’d need to produce for just 1 restaurant, and from there calculate production costs (i.e. amt of labor + amt of materials + other stuff mentioned above = cost of production).
Good luck to you both!” iheartyourpsyche
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – As a former Chef and person in charge of ordering stock for restaurants, I can safely say that this idea is horrible.
Most restaurants really don’t care about the quality of consumable condiments that much, especially ones that are provided to guests at no cost. They just want to buy something not terrible, that’s cheap.
There’s no way your friend is going to be able to compete with the bulk pricing of the existing ketchup companies (which, incidentally, all make dozens of other products because ketchup isn’t something you can build your entire business on).
He may be able to find one or two ‘fancy’ burger-themed places who’d be interested, but typically the success in making small-batch condiments comes from the consumer side. Even then, the market is hard to break into, and more people fail than not.
All of that aside, his little act might be a great idea for a promotional YouTube video, but if he tries it in real life nobody is going to buy his ketchup.
They may even ask all of you to leave.” Icmedia
Another User Comments:
“If this is somehow real, you are NTJ.
First of all, everyone involved could get kicked out of the restaurant, but mostly your friend.
Disrupting other guests and bringing food in from outside is a great way to annoy restaurant employees, not sell ketchup.
Also, is your friend Tom from Parks and Recreation and is his ketchup called ‘Snake Juice’?
Because this is the first thing I thought of.
I’m curious – has your friend only ever made ketchup at home? As in, has he ever gone to the effort to make his product in a certified kitchen?
Because let’s just say that somehow, in some fantasy world, his marketing scheme worked and the restaurant wanted his ketchup. He wouldn’t be able to legally sell it because it is unsafe and unsanitary to sell food products made in your kitchen at home.
Food products must be made in a kitchen that has been inspected and certified for commercial use. Then your friend would need a business license and possibly other certifications just to sell the ketchup.
A restaurant that already has an inexpensive, reliable, certified ketchup product is not likely to buy your friend’s recipe (which probably isn’t trademarked) because it would cost them more labor hours and probably more in product to produce it.
Yikes. Your friend is delusional!” wickerocker
3. AITJ For Yelling At My Roommate When Others Refused To?
“Last semester, one of my 4 roommates decided to move cross-country. She found a spring subletter, Lily. Lily comes from a small town in an unpopulated state, so she has that small-town way about her.
She is very friendly but seems to also lack a lot of the instincts/common sense that makes living with roommates harmonious.
For example, she once took a full trash bag out of the bin, left it out in the open instead of taking it out, and then placed her garbage in a new trash bag, which she ALSO left out in the open next to the full bag, rather than putting it in the bin (?????).
The most frustrating thing she has done is consistently not lock our front door. We live in a city that has an extremely high crime rate, in fact, it also has an extremely high random crime rate (lots of burglaries, car theft, harassment, roofies, mugging).
Basically, she’s kind of a child. She also has this cat (she asked permission to bring him beforehand and we all agreed) who scratches the living room couch because she has not bought him a scratch post since she moved in 2 months ago.
Problem is, the couch belongs to a roommate, whose mother gifted it to her for the start of adulthood. It is a nice couch, not cheap. He also scratches others’ furniture, including my ottoman to a lesser extent.
I have heard them privately complain about this to each other many times.
Since she moved in 2 months ago, all of my roommates (except for me) have asked her at least once or twice to buy a scratch post because the cat is damaging their property.
She has been apologetic and kind saying she would do it but she has not. My roommates are extremely non-confrontational, always assuming the best of everybody. It frustrates me often, particularly in situations like these, where I felt their patience was taken advantage of by someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for herself.
The other day, my roommate Allie texted the group chat and very politely and passively asked Lily to buy a scratch post soon because ‘(cat) is enjoying my chair a lil too much lol.’ I was fed up with the passiveness, and sent a message that I felt was diplomatic but firm.
I basically said, ‘Allie was too nice so let me rephrase: by ignoring their requests to counteract the damage your cat is causing, you’re being disrespectful and taking advantage of their patience and kindness.
We are roommates, we look out for each other and take care of each other. Pls do that.’ She was super apologetic, said she was hurt that I assumed her forgetfulness for disrespect.
My other roommates took her side, saying things like ‘well it wasn’t that extreme to me but I would’ve been more clear if it was!’ and ‘I should’ve spoken up more about it, so I take responsibility for some of his scratching,’ making me look and feel like the jerk.
I feel now that I jumped into a problem that wasn’t necessarily mine, but I just couldn’t take her neglect and disrespect anymore, nor my roommates’ childish passiveness.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I understand being forgetful, life can pick up sometimes and certain details fall to the side. But it sounds like she wasn’t prioritizing her responsibility as a pet owner with roommates – when you have a pet, and you have roommates, you absolutely MUST put in an effort to ensure your roommates are comfortable with the animal (this includes the animal being taken care of, for instance, having a scratching post to provide needed stimuli).
If your roommates are griping about each other behind each other’s backs, without using any direct communication to solve the issue, they are just cooking up drama and perpetuating the issue… like high schoolers.
You went too far with that message. You can directly communicate [edit: without] being so aggressive and unnecessarily harsh. You say your roommates are non-confrontational: that may be true, but don’t get confused in thinking that ‘confrontation’ is what’s needed. What you need is direct communication.
There’s a difference. Everyone sucks.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think you should have confronted her about the issues you personally had with her and not spoken to your roommates.
Let them deal with their problems and the consequences themselves. Lily is clearly the jerk for not being a good roommate and your other roommates for being passive about things that clearly bothered them.” megatronsaurus
2. AITJ For Reminding My Partner That We Have Discussed Things Before?
“So I know it’s completely normal to not remember every single thing a person says to you in casual conversation. I think everyone has had the experience where you are chatting with someone and you’re going on about that guy at work and the person says ‘What guy at work?’ and you say, ‘Remember last week at lunch I was telling you about…’ and they’re like ‘Oh yeah…’ Well, this happens CONSTANTLY when I’m talking to my partner.
It makes me feel as if he doesn’t listen to me when we talk or that what I’m saying isn’t important enough to remember. What’s more, over time I’ve noticed that more and more when I say ‘I told you this already’ he is visibly annoyed. It’s gotten to the point where if I’m telling him something and he interrupts me to ask something I literally told him yesterday (this happens all the time) I honestly don’t feel like continuing the conversation.
I know that people forget things and it’s not something he is doing to upset me but it makes me feel like he doesn’t pay attention to me and I don’t think it’s fair for him to be annoyed when I tell him we have spoken about this before.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you aren’t being a jerk about it, it is called being in a long-term relationship. Not sure a week goes by that my wife or I don’t say that to one another.
Over little things like scheduling, but we usually just shrug and say okay.” whatlineisitanyway
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, people ‘file’ things differently in their heads, frequently you have to mention the right thing so they can find it in the index.
e.g you have the file ‘Jim’ partner has ‘Guy at partner’s work with the one-eyed cat.’ having to remind people of the context is pretty normal when you refer back to a convo from a few days ago, especially people you have a million conversations with like a SO and some people’s ‘indexes’ are wildly different.
And your file for a co-worker you see 40 hours a week is going to be pretty big his file for ‘guy my partner told me 2 stories about’ is going to be tiny and hard to find.
The details of what people remember vary dramatically.” shhh_its_me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From personal experience, my short-term memory is shot from over a decade of heavy drinking (slowly getting better with sobriety, but likely will never be the same), and I will oftentimes forget small details my partner tells me.
She can be a fast talker too, which makes it all the more difficult. I can tell she gets mildly frustrated when she has to repeat herself (perfectly natural reaction), but I’ve made my deficiencies very clear to her and she understands it, especially when she gets going and realizes I’m struggling to follow everything.
Plus, more often than not, after a very brief moment of reflection, my memory kicks in and I remember.
The best advice I can give is to talk about it.
I don’t mean to presume, but maybe he’s a bit like me and gets overwhelmed when lengthy conversations take place and have to selectively pick and choose significant portions to commit to memory and side-line other parts.” User
1. AITJ For Gifting My Friend A Trip To Greece?
“My friend (19F) and I (23M) have known each other for quite a while and we even dated for three years when we were kids (she was 13 and I was 15 when it ended).
We probably would’ve continued going out but I moved to Korea with family and long-distance didn’t work. We remained friends but of course, regularly grew apart because that’s just what happens as people grow older and life gets in the way.
I’ve been back to the United States but she was in a relationship then and her significant other at the time didn’t like me at all so we barely hung out.
She dates a different guy now and I now live in Greece (changes detail to remain anonymous). This is important.
The other day I was on her social media page and I saw that she was having problems with her significant other’s mom because she’s a different race from them and it made me sad because family is important to her, and my parents loved her.
I felt bad that she was going through that and I felt like it would help her relax and be treated like the queen she is to have a vacation.
I paid for a round trip ticket to Greece so she could come to visit me and get away for some time. I wanted us to catch up as friends.
My idea would be that while I’m in the US visiting my sister for the holidays, my friend and I would leave for Rome together.
I called her up and told her and she blew up at me, saying it was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to her relationship.
It’s not like I’m interested and honestly, I know her significant other comes from a poor area so I assumed she was saying this to save his pride.
She promptly said thank you regardless and then hung up on me and hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts since then. Don’t know what to do now and am kind of lost on where I went wrong.
so AITJ for gifting my friend a trip to Greece?
Edit: so she commented on the post and I guess I did leave out details but I wanted to keep it short.
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing after I brought up her post, so I understand that she probably thought I was trying to get her to leave her partner but that wasn’t the case.
I think it’s normal to want your friend to be with people that match them.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you didn’t change enough details knowing full well I use the internet religiously.
You also left out core details.
You conveniently forgot to mention that before you spring the idea of the trip, you talked extensively about how my partner and his mom aren’t worth it and that I shouldn’t be going out with him because he’s poor and not connected enough to his culture the ‘way I usually like’.” rilakkumkum
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she’s right you don’t respect her relationship. even if you said ‘holiday as friends’ you felt the need to tell us shes having issues with her significant other’s family and you want to treat her like a ‘queen’ which honestly comes across like you have expectations and I worry what it’ll be for her if she doesn’t meet them.” ExaminationStandard9
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sounds like there might be some unresolved feelings (on your part) so a trip isn’t always the best move. In this context, it comes off as if you are trying to pry her away from her man, which is yes, like she said, disrespectful to her relationship.” littlestbookstore
