People Ask For Our Standpoint On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
25. AITJ For Not Being Organized?
“For my fella’s bday I got him a membership for his fave team in AFL (Australian Football League) – it was interstate meaning when his team who are located in New South Wales play in South Australia we can watch and have access to games.
Here’s where it gets tricky… I misread the information surrounding this and thought the membership card sent out got my bloke access to the game, turns out after already paying for the membership, you still need to buy tickets, the money spent was just to get a discount code when his team comes to play in South Australia.
The game sold out before I knew this. Butttt… my family supports the team they are vs this week and have memberships so can go to all the home games – they gave him their tix and he had access to the game
My fella threw a fit – proper chucked a wobbly saying I should have been better organized and he could have missed out because of me. He still got to go to the game – I organized it all for him because I know I biffed it.
He hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days…
AITJ for not being better organized?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you made an honest mistake. It’s ridiculous that he’s not talking to you for two days even after he got to go to the game in question.
You actually did great! You realized your mistake and were able to come up with a solution that got him into the game. What is up his butt? How ungrateful can he possibly be?! Even if you weren’t able to get tickets, he still should have been grateful for the gift and had some humor with your accident.
You have yourself a very emotionally immature fella. Are you sure this is what you want to put up with? Because I seriously can’t see what he has to be upset about. You got him a thoughtful gift and went above and beyond to make him happy.” Ema630
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I think that you should have double-checked the info before buying the membership card, your friend is overreacting. This is his birthday gift, and you weren’t required to get him one. ‘My fella threw a fit… saying I should have been better organized.’ He still got to go to the game, so he shouldn’t be yelling at you.
Yes, you are disorganized, but you are not a jerk for being disorganized.” AnimationCity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you made a mistake and found a fix. He’s being the jerk if it’s anything more than pointing out why you might want to pay closer attention.
Not to mention your family did him a solid on your behalf and he’s annoyed he ‘could have missed out’? Sounds like you’re the one who “could be missing out” on someone that appreciates you.” Only_on_the_Surface
24. AITJ For Kicking My Cousin Out Of A Party?
“I (f20) have a younger sister (f17) who has battled with a long history of eating disorders.
She’s been finding a healthier relationship between food and exercise and her body and I could not be prouder.
Last week, my family held a small party with some of our other family and some friends. My cousin (m25) started making comments about my sister’s body to her as she had put on some weight during her recovery and said that she was really filling out in the waist. My sister looked visibly upset, I told him that his comments were rude and inappropriate and he needed to stop talking.
Cousin said he was only joking and I told him that he needed to stop.
Cousin went on a rant about how we spoil my sister and how sensitive she’s turned out, that he was only making a harmless joke and we were coddling her and how she’ll never be able to make it in the real world if she’ll shut down like this.
My sister started crying and my cousin said that this is what he was talking about, I told him to get out of our house and not to come back. This led to his parents getting angry that I kicked him out and I told them that if they were going to defend him, they might as well leave too.
They did.
He has been doing nothing but talking crap about me and my sister on social media, and my parents are begging me to try to make things right with him as our confrontation soured their relationship with his parents (our aunt and uncle).
My sister is upset with him and doesn’t want to speak with him, and neither do I, and it has made things very tense for our family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ! Your cousin is a massive massive jerk.
you should be proud of yourself for stepping up for your sister. She has done really well it sounds like. She does not need that waste of breath. Well done OP’s sister. It’s a long road but you sound like you have a loyal sister on your side.
I wish you all the best. As for the cousin he was well out of order and deserved what OP yelled at him. Don’t let your family pressure you into an apology either when it was clearly the jerks. You were standing up for your sister.
Keep up the good work OPs sister. You have one fierce loyal sister there.” No_Advertising_2092
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What he was doing was cruel and unusual punishment. It was undermining her and it was harmful to her. With eating disorders, people need to feel safe and accepted, and loved just the way they are.
And then stability and acceptance enables them to figure out what path to take to heal the eating disorder. He just wanted to target her and get his rocks off by jabbing her and being cruel. And then rationalize it by making you believe it was just joking.
He was gaslighting her. You were absolutely correct and calling him out. I’m really sorry.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He’s 25, not 12. He has no excuse, he’s just a jerk. Making mean comments about someone’s body is bad, but on someone who suffers from an eating disorder, it’s cruel.
And you didn’t kick him out after the remark, you did it after he refused to say sorry, and keep harassing your sister. He said your sister won’t make it in the real world, but it’s because of people like your family who let bullies talk to keep the peace, regardless of the well-being of the victim.
Your sister is lucky to have you, don’t let her down. You’re not the one who should apologize. The fact that your parents want to calm things down with your uncle and aunt is not your problem, let them deal between the 4 of them.” charlotte_rami
23. AITJ For Not Babysitting My Cousin's Daughter?
“I agreed to watch my cousin’s now 3-month-old when she went back to work before her daughter was born for $100/week. (8am-5pm) Fast forward to DAYS before she goes back to work.
She sends me a specific list of things I can & cannot do. Keep in mind, that my daughter is 3 months older than hers. So I’d have TWO infants. She basically expected me to put her daughter before my own.
Hold her daughter, instead of my own, etc.
Anyways, so I respond to her by saying that watching her daughter isn’t fit due to that. She immediately blocked me. Maybe 3 days go by and she sends passive-aggressive petty text messages toward me in our family group chat.
No one interacts. She continues to talk trash and be passive-aggressive. Calls me a narcissist.
Today, she texts me & tells me she hates me because ‘it takes months to find childcare.’ I respond and tell her that we could have handled this differently but she chose to be immediately disrespectful, immature & passive-aggressive.
She expresses that she feels like I should have apologized (but she never apologized for either) and says ‘no one in our family talks to me’ which is untrue but she’s entitled to her own feelings. She says she has no love or respect for me, but the feeling is mutual there.
HERE’S WHERE I GET HEATED:
SHE SAYS SHE’S SAD THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS A MOM LIKE ME.
My daughter is more than taken care of and healthy. She literally did illegal stuff her entire pregnancy AND WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR.
But I’m a bad mom? She called me a ‘lazy witch’ because I’m a stay-at-home mom while my partner works and takes care of us.
So, am I the jerk?
EDIT: She works from home. She sent me her list 3 days before I was supposed to start.
She wasn’t willing to compromise whatsoever, which is why she blocked me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wants a full-time nanny focused on her child. She should go hire one. Her response just proves that you don’t need to be involved with her.
She would have made it miserable for you if you took care of her child.” elliottbtx
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk. You looked at her list, 3 days before she was supposed to go to back to work and said, ‘Nah, I’m not doing it’.
Your first reaction was to back out instead of having a conversation about limits and expectations. She freaked and you blamed her for freaking out. You are a narcissist because it’s about you not taking responsibility for your actions.” vt2022cam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw her. Her kid, her problem. No one is owed childcare, especially free, from others. Honestly, she sounds like someone I would cut out of my life and avoid like the plague.” ChihuahuaMafia
22. AITJ For Getting Involved In The Family Drama?
“My sister (18) passed away unexpectedly in December of 2021.
The DAY she died my grandparents took the car that they gave her back, even though the title is in my sister’s name and there is no connection back to my grandparents except that they once had it. This caused a lot of issues to come back in my family because my grandparents and my father (his parents) haven’t gotten along in probably 10 years maybe more.
Anyway, I’ve (22F) tried to keep the peace with my grandparents because they’ve never really wronged me or my other siblings (15F and 12M). But since my sister died my grandparents have told my dad and frankly anyone that will listen that it’s his fault my sister is gone, he’s a horrible parent, his business isn’t a real career (he owns a business that’s he’s been running for probably 15 years), that he is mentally ill, have accused him of taking my sister’s money, and all sorts of other things that I know aren’t true.
So I finally snapped at my grandparents about how fake and manipulative they are and that although they have helped me I can’t keep a relationship with them when all they do is talk bad about my dad and consistently bring up how sad THEY are about my sister without considering my feelings and asking how I am doing.
I’ve told them if they can just not talk about my dad and at least ask how I’m doing sometimes that I’m open to a relationship but haven’t heard from them in about a week.
My dad and stepmom and other sisters say that I did the right thing and someone needed to say it to them but I can’t help but feel bad that I put my nose in a business that wasn’t really mine.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The business was yours to mosey into because that’s your sister lol clearly your family agrees with you. Being old doesn’t give you a pass to be manipulative. Blaming your dad for your sister’s death is also a jerk move.” nature_f00l
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like they might very well be manipulative and/or narcissistic and that might be why your father hasn’t gotten along with them. This might just be the first (incredibly tragic) instance that you are noticing these tendencies.” Tough_Blueberry9783
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not healthy to have to listen to them play a toxic blame game. Especially about your sister and father. They did need to hear it. Don’t feel bad and it is your business when they are constantly trying to make it yours by bringing it up to you.” Only_on_the_Surface
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Move In With Us?
“I (18M) currently live with a really good friend of mine and his older brother. I had to move out because of my family getting sick and I had just started a new job. I had been talking to him about possibly moving in and my family getting sick just kick-started my plan to move out.
That was Jan of this year, since then my patience has grown thinner and thinner living with my flatmate, his older brother makes a lot more than we do (I and my mate are both apprentices and I work 2 jobs) so we pay 3 out of 4 weeks of rent, however, each week he never has the rent money.
He never saves and just spends and spends and spends. He never cleans after himself. We have had multiple mice in the house due to him leaving food out and about. I am the one that cleans the house and does all the boring adult stuff that no one wants to do.
He is constantly borrowing my things just for them to go missing and because he never has the budget yet to replace them. He has 0 consideration for anyone that he lives with. He constantly invades our privacy, I never get a moment alone as he is always on my heels.
He has broken multiple house appliances due to a lack of respect (our dishwasher doesn’t work, and our washing machine has been blocked twice).
Here’s where the dilemma is, our friend group is 4 people, me and my flatmate, plus 2 others from the school, they both work full time and have been looking to move out of their homes (we are all 18/19).
I proposed to the other 2 that we move in as a 3 intentionally excluding my current flatmate as I don’t want to deal with the mess he always creates and his lack of responsibility. One of my friends says he would feel bad if we excluded my current flatmate but I believe there is a good reason to.
The lease for my current place ends in October of this year, and I have decided to put him on a ‘secret trial’ to see if he picks up his game (starts taking responsibility and cleaning up after himself). I’ve asked him so many times to do his part and so did his brother before I moved in.
He’s a really good friend and he was very annoyed when I told him that I didn’t want him to move in with me after our lease ends. I am hoping that if he picks up his game and starts taking responsibility I will change my mind and reconsider, but if he doesn’t, my decision will stand.
The only problem is that 3 out of 4 would be living together. And he would be the only one not living in the house.
Am I the jerk for excluding my friend?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, why you would want to have someone move in that you know is a nightmare roommate?
No need to be secret. Tell him he has until the end of summer to change his ways or he won’t be living with the other 3. He has the chance to move in if he changes. So it’s up to him.
Change for the better and have roommates or keep being a bum and figure out where you are going to find new roommates.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People often need a genuine clear illustration of what their behavior does to other people, and you’re giving him that.
Be firm and go through with your plan, because even if he tries to change now, I don’t think he will continue if he’s allowed to move in. Once in, he will just go back to the old way. He hasn’t grown up yet, but obviously, you have.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. You need a home environment that is safe and secure. Living arrangements are separate from friendships, you have no obligation. I suggest you tell him straight up, but I doubt he is going to change.” JoannaRe
20. WIBTJ If I Want To Bring My Own Food To A Party?
“Tomorrow, I have to go to a party for my best friend’s significant other who is also a close friend.
It’s a bbq grill-type deal but I don’t know what will be there. I said that’s fine and I’d bring an impossible burger bc I’m vegan. I was then told that I couldn’t bc ‘you’re not being a vegan on my SO’s birthday.’ This annoyed me but I was like fine I’ll eat when I leave and my buddy said ‘you’re not NOT eating on my SO’s birthday!” Anyway, I’m not crazy about going in the first place bc it’s 3 hours away and I love them both but Saturdays are my days to spend with my SO so I was already a little annoyed at having to throw away our day.
I’m kinda just looking for advice, anything helps I guess
Edit: his SO (whose party it is) has not said anything to me about it. She would probably be ok, but I have fought with him too much in the past few months and didn’t wanna go to her around him.
She is generally agreeable and wouldn’t mind I don’t think. I blame him instead of her.
Update: I went, brought an impossible burger, and ate it. He was being a jerk but thankfully his SO was able to get him to stop.
He kept trying to get me to eat meat which was annoying but other than that it was fine.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are doing everything possible to make you uncomfortable. I’m a carnivore. When I go out with vegan or vegetarian friends, we go someplace where everyone can eat.
I have had parties with observant Jews and I went and got a kosher tray.” Early_Arm_9306
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – bringing your own meal when you have a special diet that you know won’t be catered to is acceptable in this case.
You aren’t bringing something that would stand out as different because it would still look like the burgers everyone else is having. He’s acting like you should just switch a part of yourself off because he doesn’t like it.
Don’t go. Hang out with your SO. Have a great weekend.” CantImBusy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… dude… he is not your friend. His SO might be, but seriously? Call her and let her know you aren’t going, tell her the gift is in the mail (or get her a gift card to use), and let him know you need some space from his shenanigans.
You all have already been on tense terms, so if you don’t want to blow this to a full-blown feud, de-escalate things.” ChaoticCapricorn
19. WIBTJ If I Ask My Daughter To Stop Inviting Her Partner To Come Over Everyday?
“My daughter (18) is a homebody. Her partner lives downstairs from us, which is how they met. She doesn’t like going to his apartment because she prefers ours. He comes over nearly every night and stays over. She gets home from work and he immediately comes upstairs to hang out with her.
He’s nice enough but it annoys me to have a guest here constantly. He doesn’t pay rent, and he doesn’t help out, when I make dinner I usually let him eat since he’s up here, and I don’t want to be rude.
It’s not a matter of finances but it is just a matter of him ALWAYS being here. On Saturdays she gets up for work and leaves by 7 am. He stays in her bedroom til noon some days. It’s irritating because I want to get things done around the house and feel like I have to tiptoe around while he sleeps.
WIBTJ if I told my daughter I wanted to limit the number of times he sleeps over in my house? I don’t want it to be awkward for everyone but I feel like I am becoming more and more bitter with every passing day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your house, your rules. It sounds like you want to set some pretty reasonable boundaries. You are not saying he can never be there, just not every day. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to leave when your daughter isn’t there.
And it’s perfectly reasonable to not want guests over all the time.
Talk with her and find a reasonable schedule that will work for both of you. If she wants to live with him, they can go get their own place.” Ema630
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be a jerk for this. Sit your daughter down and have the ‘I don’t care if y’all spend as much time together as you want, but you can’t keep doing it here all of the time.’ If she doesn’t like his apartment, then she needs to just get over it because it’s not reasonable to expect a shared household to have to constantly accommodate a guest. And the longer you go without putting your foot down, the worse it’s gonna get and the more those feelings of resentment are going to bubble up.
Do it literally tonight, if you can.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you need to not feel bad for simply having a spine. If you’re paying the rent, it’s your place and you set the rules. I think you’ve been very generous so far, and I’d feel exactly the same way – my space is my space and I mostly want it to myself.
And there’s no excuse for him to be there when she’s not there, ever. But you have to communicate this. It doesn’t need to be a confrontation, but they can’t read minds and will do whatever is best for them if you don’t tell them what you want in your own house.
Just tell them what you want, calmly. If they react badly, don’t react badly back, just say this is how it’s going to be and then let them feel however they want to feel about it.” Karma_1969
18. AITJ For Telling My Dad I Don't Care If I Don't See Him Again?
“I (28 M) and my dad (63 M) do not have the best relationship. My dad has not been very present in my life. He would come and pick me up as a child but he would just drop me off at my relatives, so honestly, I don’t know much about him.
I was a very shy kid and he would yell at me to ‘stop that shy nonsense’ which caused me to be afraid to talk to him. He also believed that it was my responsibility as the child to make sure that he had a relationship with me, so it would be months or even years since I would have seen him.
When I was 12 years old, a family member passed away which caused my father to turn to drinking heavily. He came over wasted (hadn’t seen him in about a year) and started arguing with me and during the argument, he told me that I was a mistake and that I was easily replaceable.
That hurt me so much, the argument to me is a blur but the one line is the one thing I remember and the one thing I can’t seem to let go of. I personally believe that a woozy mind speaks for a sober heart.
For the past year and a half, he has been nonstop messaging me and calling through social media even after I’ve asked him to stop. I completely ignore his messages and let his calls ring, Sometimes I would answer and they would end badly because he was pressuring me to come to see him and I don’t want to.
I told him about what he said (claimed he didn’t remember) and that I won’t be coming to see him like he requested. He got angry with me and asked me ‘If you went 20 years without seeing or hearing from me would you be okay?’, And I said yes.
He hung up on me while I was still talking. I feel like I’m wrong and he is still messaging me even after the call which was several months ago. I don’t hate him but I have nothing to say to him at all, I feel so detached, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad can’t just be in your life whenever he wants to. It seems like he’s trying to contact you because he’s getting old and needs someone to take care of him. He hurt you and now he suddenly acts like he didn’t do anything wrong?
You shouldn’t feel like YTJ since it’s 100% your dad’s fault for how you responded.” asiahiker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad was a bad parent–sometimes distant, sometimes hard and cruel. He wasn’t there with love and support during the years of your life when you needed him the most, and he hasn’t earned a relationship with you now.
Your brother has his own opinions and can do what he wants in his life—he has no right or standing to demand you talk to your father. He may have had a more positive relationship with your father, but that doesn’t change how poorly your father treated you.
Take care of yourself.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is incredibly neglectful and abusive; he’s hurt you and let you down. It’s absolutely no surprise at all that you feel nothing for him, feel detached, and could go without seeing him.
That’s your honest reaction to all he’s done to you. He’s never given you the love that a father should give his child. And not only all that, but he blames you.” AffectionateMine2220
17. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Babysit My Grandchild?
“My daughter, female 28, has a young daughter of her own, my granddaughter age 4. I have been babysitting for the past year or more on holidays, weekends, and overnight, without payment of any kind.
I am physically disabled and unable to work because of Rheumatoid Arthritis, and I am in constant pain every day. But I adore my granddaughter, and I want to be in her life as much as I can, so I babysit when I’m needed, despite my pain and fatigue.
Well, my daughter is a classic narcissist and a drama queen to boot. Her partner, my granddaughter’s father, is as well. How they have managed to stay together is beyond me. Anyway, I had my granddaughter over last night, and she ended up sleeping with me in my bed because she was sick.
She spent the day with me because both her parents worked today. When they got home, she wanted her mommy very badly, so texted my daughter and told her what was going on. She told me (with a diva queen attitude) to bring her daughter home because she apparently couldn’t pick her up from my house.
By now, my granddaughter was crying so I bundled her up and took her to her mom.
When I arrived, the guy took my granddaughter, laid her on the couch next to him, and began playing a game on his Playstation without saying a word to me.
I did the whole good night thing, told my granddaughter that I would see her in the morning, told my daughter and the guy that I had given my granddaughter Tylenol at a certain time, said goodbye, and left while reminding them that I would still watch her in the morning.
I had not even arrived home before my daughter was leaving really nasty messages on my phone saying that the guy was yelling at her because she hadn’t made a doctor appointment for their daughter, and that I should have just kept my granddaughter with me, and that it was my fault the guy was mad.
She left all of this message with my youngest (still lives at home) 18-year-old daughter and made her really upset. She then apologized to her and said, ‘I’m sorry to yell at you but this is mom’s fault.’
Ya’ll, I was ANGRY!
The fact that she crossed that line after I’ve babysat for so long without getting paid floors me! So I refused to watch my granddaughter tomorrow until her parents apologize to me… and now my daughter is saying she will just have to quit her job because she doesn’t have anyone else to watch my granddaughter.
Am I the jerk for refusing to babysit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You already knew that though, but gaslighting makes us question ourselves because what if we really are the problem? I was married to a narcissist and it took me 14 years to finally leave him.
This is relevant because my mom moved in with us when our oldest was 9 months, they are 13 now. She’s my mom so I very obviously got her in the divorce. She has been my rock and even though she’s retired and I almost fully support her, I never ever expect her to watch my children.
I always ask her if she would mind doing XYZ.
Your daughter is gonna have to learn the hard way that you will not allow her to push you around. And it’s gonna be really hard because you will be separated from your granddaughter.
However, you must learn to gray rock and maintain your boundaries, or else you will never gain control of yourself where she is concerned. I wish you the best of luck.” FluffyMommy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your daughter is.
Even if you didn’t have any medical issues, that kid is hers to raise, not yours. You can love your granddaughter and still not want to look after her every week at the expense of your peace and health.
It’s unfortunate that your daughter does not deserve to be a parent by the looks of it, but please check in on your granddaughter. I’m getting the vibe that her home life isn’t the best. Whatever that entails for you because your daughter doesn’t deserve to be a mother, just plain and simple.
In my opinion, you deserve much more than an apology. It’s a good thing you’re setting boundaries at least. Let them know you aren’t a built-in caretaker and you won’t be manipulated by them.” nature_f00l
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s not about finances or anything else. They are using you because they are entitled, spoiled and selfish.
Grandmas should enjoy the company of their grandkids once in a while, not make it their job.
She should have thought about childcare arrangements BEFORE she had the kid. I’ve seen so many of my peers expect to dump their kids on retired parents who can’t enjoy their retirement because now they’re an unpaid daycare.
Why allow yourself to be verbally and emotionally abused by toxic people?
Stop taking their calls. Let them have their tantrum. Take care of yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for not meeting their needs. They are grown adults and need to sort themselves out. They dumped on you, and they’re mad they can no longer take advantage of you.
It’s time you took care of yourself.
You’ve done more than enough for them, you don’t owe them anything. Rheumatoid Arthritis is very painful, my coworker had it and I saw her struggle. They should not have dumped on you like that.
You have every right to say no.” SuperSassyPantz
16. AITJ For Telling My Parents Not To Come To My Game?
“I, (15F) am on my high school’s varsity tennis team.
I’ve only been playing for two years, and I’m ok, I guess, but recently I’ve been on a losing streak. I just got moved into a doubles spot with a new partner, so maybe that’s part of it, I really don’t know.
Anyways, I’ve been pretty stressed out about it. At my last match, it was bad. I had been crying all day, and I was super upset. My parents always come to all my events, which is a nice gesture, and I really do appreciate that, as I know not everyone has that luxury, but before the match, I texted my parents and told them not to come.
I was anxious and a mess and didn’t want them seeing me like that, plus, even though they don’t do it on purpose, their presence honestly just stresses me out even more.
Long story short, they came anyways, I lost terribly, and I was kind of a jerk about it.
I got in the car and said ‘I told you not to come’. I know I shouldn’t have been rude, but it had just been an awful day. Anyways, that was yesterday. I overheard them on the phone to each other call me a martyr this afternoon.
I was really confused because it wasn’t like I was asking them to go out of their way, I just didn’t want them at that match.
Anyways, the topic comes up again at dinner, and I got this whole long lecture about how they ‘didn’t have a child to be told what to do’ and ‘their parents wouldn’t have put up with my attitude’ and ‘I can’t tell them what they can and can’t do’.
They also said all I wanted to do was complain, and, this is a direct quote from my mother ‘if your counselor can’t help you I don’t think anyone can’ like I said, I’m totally confused, because it really shouldn’t have been a big deal, I just didn’t want them there for that particular match.
Now, they seem to think they can just pull me off the team because I have ‘an attitude problem’. As I said, I’m just baffled at how they blew my one request into this whole big fight. So, I want to know, AITJ for telling my parents not to come to my tennis match?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your parents are hurt and feel inadequate. You are hurt and feeling inadequate.
The best thing is to communicate clearly and openly. Make yourself vulnerable by telling them how you’ve been feeling overall and that you really appreciate their support but they INADVERTENTLY put pressure on you by attending BECAUSE you don’t want them to see you on this losing streak.
They may still struggle with their own feelings but if you genuinely try then you become NTJ and they kind of become the jerk.
Good luck. Remember that high school sports are not worth your physical or mental health.” teemskeep
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, how does the mere presence of someone stress you? Unless they are on the sidelines shouting all match, I don’t see how reasonable your ‘command’ was. And I say command because the way you framed your words was a command, not a request. A request is ‘hey, can you skip my match today?’ or something similar.
‘Don’t come to my match’ implies some type and disdain and disrespect. Communicate better with your parents, don’t let emotions control your tone/words.” alfredo3598
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m sorry your parents can’t respect your autonomy.
Here’s a suggestion: Don’t be the one to escalate the argument or heated feelings.
Just be cool, because what you’re asking for is pretty simple and it’s easy to give you. Your parents are being jerks, and this will (hopefully) become more obvious to them the less upset you are. If they’re the only ones having a tantrum, they’ll shut themselves up pretty quick.
It’s your activity. It’s your activity.
‘I haven’t been playing as well lately. I’m more comfortable with not having family watching me while I work this out.’ Repeat, repeat, repeat. No yelling. Calm, soothe-the-scared-bunny voice. ‘I understand you’re upset with me.
I’m going to my room (or outside, or a friend’s house) until you feel better.’
Of course, this is hard for teens because your brain wiring right now wants to get mad, mad, mad. Be patient with yourself.” Johoski
15. AITJ For Not Caring If My Mom Can't Walk Anymore?
“I (27F) moved back with my mother (65F) after her last husband passed away, she needed someone to take care of her and I agreed to do it. I pay $400 in rent but I basically do everything around here, I clean (laundry, dishes, etc) I’m responsible for my mother’s pets (two german shepherds and an Aussie), and I have to make sure she takes her medicine on time, I bathe her, I drive her around, etc, the only thing she does is cook because she has told me that I’m bad at cooking (which I differ), but aside from that, she’s free almost the entire day.
I also have a job in tech that allows me to work from home, so it’s not like I’m only sitting around waiting to be needed, I’m living with her and helping her as a favor, because I love her, not because I need to.
Now, despite the title, my mom doesn’t have a mobility issue, she can walk just fine although, she shouldn’t be doing it for too long and not for big distances. I think my mom’s sickness has made her bitter and angry, she’s constantly snapping at me for the smallest issue, if something gets dirty and I don’t clean it right away like when spills her coffee and I’m not by her in 2 seconds, ready to wipe it.
If there’s dog poop in the garden and I don’t pick it up as soon as they do it, if I have my room ‘messy’ (to be honest, I truly think that’s none of her business, I pay for my space and I help around with almost everything, I’ve earned my place and I’m entitled to do with it as I please), she still bosses me around like I’m some teenager robbing her of her space.
My breaking point was store trips. She always yells at me because I don’t pick up her hints, she doesn’t ask me, she’s more like ‘I want milk, I want eggs, I want to smoke’ or ‘can someone go to the store?
Could someone bring me some milk?’ When I’m the only one who lives here if I’m out she only texts me ‘milk. eggs. coffee. bread’ and I’m like ‘hello to you too.’ But then if I’m working or resting and I don’t go right away, she starts to yell like ‘GO FOR MILK, IT’S YOUR ONLY JOB, WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME THEN?’.
Last night I was just lying on the couch because I was super tired and she asked me to go buy some bread or cookies, I said okay, but didn’t go up right away. She asked me again I asked for a second, then she started to yell at me, full yell at me, so I got up and told her that if she really was craving cookies, then she should get herself up and walk to the store herself (only 5 minutes away), she said ‘You know I can’t walk like I used to’ and I answered ‘Honestly?
I don’t care if you can walk or not, yell at me again and I’ll move out’.”
This morning she didn’t speak to me and didn’t ask for anything until a few moments ago she said that I sucked for talking to her the way I did and that I was a horrible daughter…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you shouldn’t be paying her anything. She should be paying you. You’re the housekeeper, the grocery runner, and the nurse for an angry woman and she still has you paying rent.
ETA: I think it would be best for both of you if you moved out.
She is malingering. You can pop in once a week and deliver her groceries if grocery delivery isn’t a thing where you live. She can hire a maid and home health care a couple of times a week to clean the house and bathe her.
She can set alarms to take pills. I don’t see any reason you need to be there 24/7 except she likes having someone to vent her frustration on.” LivSaJo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know what’s wrong with your mom to where she can’t do anything at the age of 65 but still has the mental acuity to send text messages and work a phone.
I take care of my mom who’s 92 and has Alzheimer’s and she can barely walk. It sucks because my life is over, she’s a full-time job and basically, I won’t be free until her last breath.
Your mom is really young for her to be a full-time job unless she has a debilitating disease. And if she does, she should be in a nursing home or have a full-time caregiver. It sounds like your mom is using you, just taking advantage.
And if you have a job, you need to move out and get your own apartment. If she can’t get to the store and do her own laundry, you need to talk to the state Medicaid program about a caregiver for her.
Do not burden yourself with her at the age of 27. Spend the moolah, live frugally, but get your own place, and don’t try to save funds by ‘helping’ her. You’re not helping yourself at all.” laine310
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here or maybe everyone sucks here. You and your mother are in a difficult situation and your tempers are going to get frayed. This would be a good time for the two of you to have a discussion about communication and courtesy — and how it should be mutual and respectful.
You don’t meet your mother’s standard for ‘hop-to-it-do-it-this-minute ness’ to accommodate her inclinations. And she is less courteous to and appreciative of you than she would be of a fellow church member or peer who was helping her out.
But she is only 65 years old so y’all are looking at several miserable decades if y’all don’t figure something out.
Since the grocery store runs are a major source of annoyance, maybe focus on smoothing those out to a mutually acceptable system.
It could be that making it her responsibility/obligation to plan ahead what she will need and give you a written list would help. But yeah – her yelling at you to go right this second to get her whatever — that needs to change.
PS: One thing I do in my semi-caretaking of an older relative is always buy more milk, eggs & bread when the containers are half empty. He had to find something else to grouse at me about and order me to do.
Now it’s Pam spray. Joke’s on him — I have several cans tucked away.” NanaLeonie
14. AITJ For Not Going To Prom?
“I (F17) am a senior and I’m about to graduate. As you may know, one senior tradition is prom.
I’m homeschooled (for mental health reasons) but a local organization held a prom. I didn’t want to go because I am 1) NOT a social person and 2) I only knew one – MAYBE two – people who were attending. However, back in the fall semester, my mom said she wanted me to go.
I told her no, but she insisted. Now, she didn’t force me, she just heavily encouraged (maybe even pressured me a bit) to go. I caved in and we found a beautiful prom dress back in March. It was on the cheaper side (it ended up being $250 for the dress and alterations combined) and we found some beautiful shoes and a beautiful bag.
On the day of prom, I got my hair and makeup done by a family friend who is a beautician. So the total cost ended up being ~$350.
I was already stressed about prom day ahead of time, especially because I had an orientation that same day as well (which I was also anxious about because I had to go alone).
On the day of prom, my parents drove me to the venue and when we got there, I had an anxiety attack. I have an anxiety disorder (general and social) and when I saw so many people, I just had a meltdown.
I started crying, completely ruining my makeup and my parents decided to leave. I felt sooooo bad because they had already spent all this amount on me and, although they didn’t tell me this, I know they were disappointed that I couldn’t keep it together.
We went out to eat and I apologized and apologized but I think this made them even more upset. I also offered to pay them back this summer since I’m planning on getting a job.
I feel like I’m the jerk because I should have been upfront with my mom about how I felt, even though this is something I find challenging.
I also feel like I overreacted. We could have avoided everything: wasting the money, wasting the time, and me being a drama queen. However, I think I might not be the jerk because I told my mom initially, and I offered to pay them back.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, like you said you didn’t want to go in the first place. Your parents know about this disorder and while you can make attempts to minimize when an episode occurs, sometimes it just happens and there’s nothing you can do about it.
You DO NOT need to apologize for that. Your parents will get over any disappointment they have if they truly love you and I’m sure they just wanted to be excited for you. Good luck and know you didn’t do anything wrong.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“This is tough in terms of judgment for me. I think your mom put pressure on you because she was either trying to live through you or under the mistaken impression that all you need to do is get out and mingle in order to help your anxiety (which we know often makes it worse).
I think you need to ask yourself how you could have been clearer and firmer communicating your boundaries (what you can/will do and what you can’t/won’t do) before it led up to having an anxiety attack.
I’m going to say ‘no jerks here’ because I think your mom might have had good intentions and I think you gave in which made her think prom was now acceptable for you.
You are young and struggling with your mental health, so I don’t blame you at all for not being firm with your boundaries. Don’t worry about your parents’ reaction; if they are disappointed, that’s on them. You can only control what you do and say, so please don’t waste emotional energy on other people’s emotions.
Concentrate on your growth as a person and become more confident and sure in your decisions and actions. I truly wish you all the best!
No jerks here.” Better2021Everyone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have an anxiety disorder, your parents know that.
Maybe they are not mad, but sadder for you that you can’t enjoy a party like the majority of teenagers. Don’t feel bad for them, they tried to push your limits knowing it could fall. You’re not a drama queen, you just have some issues that make you different and people can’t just expect you to act as they would.
You have to follow your own rhythm. You’re the only one to know what you can and can’t do. I know it’s difficult but you have to try to explain when you don’t feel something. People have to respect your boundaries.” charlotte_rami
13. AITJ For Not Inviting My Grandparents To My Graduation?
“I (18) am graduating in a little over a month. I received six tickets to hand out, and I wanted to invite my father, mother, brother, and paternal grandmother. I had reached out to two extended family members that I am close with and asked if they could come, but they were not able to make time.
I would also have liked to invite my stepmom but that might upset my actual mom.
I thought it would be a good idea to invite my uncle so my mom would have company (my parents are semi-recently divorced, still some bad b***d on my mom’s side).
When I brought this up with her, she said something along the lines of my (maternal) grandparents being excited and if I had talked to them about graduation yet. I was confused, then told her I hadn’t planned on inviting them.
Here are some very important details: 1, I have not lived with my mother since last year due to her toxic nature and possible drinking problem. 2, I am the sixth grandchild (maternal side) to be graduating high school. 3, while I love my grandparents, my grandfather often makes jokes about my weight, my clothes, or what I eat, and when I get upset, I am suddenly ‘playing the victim’.
I am not comfortable with having him present on one of the proudest days of my life yet.
She was understandably upset, they are her parents so I get that she’d want them there. I tried to explain, but it’s a little hard to tell your mom that you don’t want her parents attending your graduation.
She believes she has full authority over the situation (I am the one getting the tickets). However, some things she said led me to believe that she had already brought up the graduation to them. Things then got very emotional on her part and she told me that it would ‘kill my grandparents’ if they weren’t invited, a statement that she still supported during a phone call a few days later.
She also pointed out that I was inviting my paternal grandmother.
Again, I am not even close to being the first grandchild to graduate on her side of the family (however, I am my paternal grandmother’s eldest grandchild, and we have a very good relationship).
I love my grandparents, but they haven’t been a consistent and positive presence in my life and I don’t think I ‘owe’ them the tickets.
But I do feel bad about the situation, I know they want to come but being around them tends to be stressful for me.
I believe I might be the jerk for being insensitive towards my mom’s wishes as well as my grandparents and not considering them for the guest list, which will undoubtedly cause hurt and sadness.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ on your part.
It is your graduation, you decide who you want to attend it. You did nothing wrong choosing not to have your grandparents at your graduation and you don’t want them attending. They deserve not to get an invite after what they did to you and you deserve better.
Congratulations and all the best.” KangarooOk2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You need to tell your mom exactly what you told us. Your grandfather makes jokes at your expense and won’t even acknowledge that they make you feel uncomfortable. Tell her it is his fault you don’t want him there and you are entitled to your feelings on this.
No one should have to invite their abuser further into their lives, even if that awful person is family.” OKflyboy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your story shows you’ve thought carefully about this, and you care about your family’s feelings, more than some of them seem to care about yours.
Graduations are important to parents. Graduations are important to the graduate. The people who have been there for you the most should be included. Like your stepmom. Another commenter said 3 for dad’s side, and 3 for mom’s but that doesn’t work because you have a brother.
So, parents first – dad, mom, stepmom, then sibling- brother, then grandmothers. And that’s it, that’s your six. Unless you have a friend with an extra ticket, grandpa can watch the live stream.” Stephreads
12. AITJ For Expressing My Feelings To My Wife?
“My wife and I both come from abusive relationships in the past and usually have a very clear and effective means of communication.
I manage a store and staffing has been a nightmare, so my wife and I do not get to spend a ton of time together. I recently switched stores and got more staffed up allowing me to have a more consistent and normal schedule being around in the early evening and one weekend day.
My wife recently made a new friend at her job who is very manic and chaotic in her emotions. I came home one time to this woman who has gotten my wife very wasted and was just overall being inconsiderate of space and even our animals.
When the woman left the next morning, I told my wife that she can be friends with whomever she wants but, that if the friend were to come back, she needed to be nicer to the animals and respectful of our home, which my wife also agreed to.
Tonight after talking several times about how excited she was I was going to be home on a Friday night, I arrived home to find my wife very wasted and talking to this friend on video chat. Usually, when I come home in these situations she finishes up the call and we do something together.
Tonight, she stayed on the phone with this friend for several hours, ignoring the fact that I even came home.
When she finally got off the phone, she came and found me as I was making dinner. I was frustrated but still happy to see her giving her a kiss and a hug.
She then asked me what was bothering me and I told her. I stated that it hurt my feelings a little that when I got home, she stayed on the phone for hours and disregarded our plans. She then told me I was being toxic and emotionally abusive.
She stated that she never complained about me having to be on work calls when we’re supposed to be together. This is not true as it was one of the issues that caused me to change stores as it would involve less hands-on management allowing for more us time.
The whole thing has me feeling very mixed up as I don’t ever want to hurt her feelings, but it seems like I’m supposed to keep my thoughts and feelings on this friend to myself, even though my wife expressed that she does not like how she acts when she spends time with or talks to this friend.
So am I the jerk?
Update: the fight is my fault and I yelled at her. I said I did not yell I told you how I felt which is a little mad and very sad. You started yelling and made my emotions feel small.
All I wanted was to spend some time with you since we don’t see each other much, but you were on the phone with your friend till just before you normally call it a night. What I said is no longer abusive or toxic according to her but I still had no right to say what I said.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This new friend isn’t doing your wife any favors. If your wife has said that she doesn’t like the person she becomes when this friend is around, that’s the answer to the problem.
I’d talk to her about that- ask her just to think about how she feels when she’s around this woman, and if she wants to feel that way. It’s harming your relationship, but this kind of negativity and projecting her own problems onto your wife, and encouraging excessive drinking?
This is really bad for your wife’s mental and physical health. If she can’t extricate herself with your help and support, I’d try going to a therapist together. She’s clearly getting sucked into this for some reason and it’d help her to discover what those reasons are.” Stephreads
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I wouldn’t expect my partner to immediately end a call when I got home. She can have her own relationships with people that you don’t like. This friend does sound brutal but it’s her choice if she wants to remain friends.
She probably feels a need to try and help her if she’s as bad as you say.” skorforsure
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. this might amaze some people, but it’s not toxic and abusive to feel an emotion.
Judging from your reply to a question, your wife’s friend may or may not be manic, but she sure does sound like a jerk.
She BARKED in your dog’s face? And was allowed back in the house?
Maybe she’s lovely at work, or one-on-one, but you’re not upset at not being able to spend some of your unfortunately minimal at-home time with the person you presumably dedicated the rest of your life to.” reyballesta
11. AITJ For Often Coming To My Partner's House?
“My partner and I are both 18, and we’ve been together for a while, I guess you could say that his house is the ‘designated hangout’ spot for us when we want to be together
He has one younger sibling who I get along with pretty well, and both of his parents like me a lot more than his past partners.
Recently though I’ve felt kind of bad because during the week, I spend more time over at his house than I do at my own. I don’t have the best home life, my house is messy, and there’s not much to do when we hang out at mine.
I’ve asked him before if he just doesn’t like hanging out at my place or something like that since there’s really nothing to do here. I don’t have a TV, or a console, just my laptop, and phone. The TVs we have are in the game room/living room/parents’ room and the consoles we have don’t work anymore and we can’t really afford to get another one.
He said he doesn’t mind going over though, the only thing he wants to do is hang out with me which I thought was nice
I don’t know if this is the right place to ask this question, but even though his parents like me and haven’t complained that I go over so often (at least when I’m there) I am starting to feel like I’m freeloading off of him and his parents because I do go over most days unless I have work or my parents need me home.
I eat over there and have never had a problem with the food they make, I help clean and do chores when my partner and his sibling also do theirs. I follow their rules that I have to leave by 9 PM because both of his parents work.
It’s just that now I think I’m making them do extra work because I’m there so often.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you may regret not spending more time at home if you plan on moving out soon. You never realize how much you miss being with your parents until it’s too late but it’s different for everyone.” J***********2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t assume, or expect things, you help out, and you are polite. They most likely just accept you as is. If they say something, you should adjust. But they haven’t, so you don’t.” Maine04330
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as long as you are helping out and following their rules, I think you are fine. I think his family would let him know if you were at their house too often.” Kellymargaret
10. AITJ For Complaining When My Mom Can't Hear Me?
“Ever since last year. my mom sometimes just doesn’t answer questions that I ask her.
It’s like she can’t hear it, and I have to get closer to her and repeat the question, and then maybe she’ll answer. At first, I thought she was going deaf (It’s a family condition), but she said she wasn’t, and lately she has started acknowledging that she did hear what I was saying the first time, she just doesn’t want to answer.
I’m not even sure if there’s a pattern to the questions that she doesn’t answer- yesterday I asked her where she was going, and she just ignored me and changed the subject multiple times even after I kept asking her.
I had to ask someone else to find out, she wasn’t even going anywhere controversial.
Last week, we were having some kind of discussion over some minor thing, and she just stopped hearing my argument midway – started ignoring me, and after I pressed her for the information she said that she didn’t think there was anything left to say.
Also, another thing she does is try to convince me that it’s unreasonable for me to expect answers, or even a response to all my questions. I find this confusing because she always expects answers from me when she calls.
I’m supposed to go over to her and ask what she wants if she calls me, and she can’t even acknowledge that I am even speaking. It makes me feel like I’m invisible sometimes. But then again, I have been known to ask far too many questions to people, so maybe she is tired of answering them, but even then, an ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Ask me later I’m tired’ would be perfectly acceptable.
Also, my family doesn’t seem to notice the fact that a lot of my questions are not being answered, and I don’t want to go ask them and start a fight in the house. I also don’t want to bring a family matter up with outsiders, so that’s why I’m turning to strangers on the internet.
So, am I the jerk for expecting answers to my questions?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to stop, she does this because you are exhausting. She shouldn’t ignore you but you sound annoying and need to be more considerate.
She is your parent, it is her job to know the things she asks of you. Not the other way around. She doesn’t have to answer any of your unnecessary questions. Take the hint instead of doubling down.
No one owes you any answers as an adult either, get used to it.” NotSoBunny
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Leave the woman alone. I think my son stopped pestering me with questions constantly when he was four years old. Why does it matter where she’s going? Save your questions for important things and use Google sometimes.” Apocalypstik
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She’s an adult and needs to grow up and actually use her words instead of being petty and playing ignorant, but you also need to consider that maybe she’s doing this because you’re pestering her.
Your expectation of a simple dismissal is not unreasonable, though.
Catch her in a good mood, sit her down and ask her to have an adult discussion about this. Tell her that you don’t mean to pester her, but it hurts your feelings when she simply ignores you instead of just telling out outright she doesn’t want to answer.” therogueheart1967
9. WIBTJ If I Ask My Mom To Stop Taking My Stuff?
“I (17F) am (very obviously) a teenager in high school.
I am in multiple AP classes (advanced placement – like IB or A levels I think? I don’t know, to be honest), am a part of my school’s Division 1 ice hockey team, run a club, have multiple leadership roles, and hold a job, and more.
I maintain all A’s and have made distinction every quarter of my junior year so far, and I even got a decent score on my ACT. I feel like I have done a lot and that I am a pretty responsible kid, and my teachers seem to think so too.
My mom does not.
Every day, when I come home after I pick my brother up from track practice, I have to immediately hand over my phone and do work for literally the rest of the night. I finish most of my work at school while waiting for my brother’s practices to be over so I oftentimes don’t really have other work to do, so I just end up fooling around on my laptop, reading, or drawing.
My mom always barges in and sees me not doing homework and yells at me that I am lazy and then punishes me with her usual ‘DOOR STAYS OPEN!’ (if she doesn’t take it off the hinges altogether).
I also try asking her for my phone back during the night, and she almost always says no. Yesterday, for example, I didn’t get to check my phone until well after 10 pm.
I am on April vacation right now, so I was a little miffed, and this definitely was not the first time this had happened. I missed so many important messages about things like prom and student council, and it was honestly embarrassing to be answering these texts so late.
I asked my mom if I could just have my phone during the day, but she said that her limiting my phone usage is the key to my success and that I’m a jerk for insisting I have my phone all the time.
I really want to tell my mom that I want to be able to have my phone in my room after school or to be able to close my door when I’m in my room, but then I think of how successful I have been without my phone and I wonder if this success is because my mom limits these things.
Would I be an entitled jerk if I ask my mom for this stuff back, or am I justified in doing so?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dude if you have your own job and everything, get your own phone. Frankly get your own place.
You’re acting like more of an adult than she is. Idk how close you are to your birthday, but I absolutely won’t put up with this, I don’t care if she’s your mother and she will try to gaslight you.
Definitely don’t let her have any money from the job, if she’s on the bank account right now, start cashing checks and hiding the moolah somewhere really really carefully, not at the house. You need to get out as soon as you can.” Actual_Emergency_666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s not going to accomplish anything though. Your mom is an abusive parent.
Buy your own phone. When she demands your phone, you give her the one you don’t use.
You could also try asking for family therapy because of her abusive behavior.
You’ll have to find a way of doing it diplomatically and getting her to enter it without knowing the real reason. You may want to speak to your school teachers about her behavior.” YanceyWoodchuck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s effectiveness that matters – if you’re putting great grades in front of her, what else could she want?
It’s interesting to assume that being without the phone has led to success, but then why withhold it when there’s no homework?
NTJ for asking. If she pays for the phone then it’s technically hers but can ask.
If I were you, I show her the grades weekly and negotiate over the phone more often. I’d leave the door open for starters.” 4cougs
8. AITJ For Wanting To Get Separate Accounts?
“My (26F) long-term partner (27M) and I have been living together for almost 8 years.
About 5 years ago, we decided to get a joint bank account due to sharing bills and basic life costs (food, rent, cable). Our finances have changed over the years along with our salaries. About a year ago, I had to take some time off work for my mental health but he also got a raise so he told me not to worry about it and find something new that I will love.
Since then, he has slowly gotten more and more possessive, I guess, about spending money and how much we, or should I say I, spend. While I wasn’t working, I understood because he works hard for what he makes and was supporting me.
But I got a job in January, at a job I love, and have a steady income coming… and it’s gotten worse. He is constantly saying that we need to watch what we spend and need to cut back, but only when we spend money.
For example, he will spend a minimum of $100 a night at least once a week golfing, but when I spend $60 over 2 weeks on us or something nice for myself he will lose it and go off on saving money. These conversations usually lead to me suggesting maybe getting separate bank accounts to give him peace of mind over what amount I’m spending and he always says no he doesn’t want to do that.
I understand that since he brings the majority amount in and is proud of what he makes, he wants to get himself nice things or do things he likes but I also bring in a steady income and shouldn’t have to stress about getting myself something nice.
So AITJ for getting frustrated and suggesting the separate accounts or that he at least stop seeing it as all ‘his’?
Edit: I want to add that when I say getting something nice I don’t mean spending $300 every week on myself.
I literally will spend $50 on one shopping trip.
Edit: He is not controlling in the way it seems!! When I say he gets upset, I mean more so after, I think after he realizes how much was spent. I will definitely talk to him and let him know what I’m planning on spending and he replies ‘okay’.
In no way does he tell me I can’t spend. I’m definitely going to lay these ideas out to him more and try to reach a solution.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, separate bank accounts are key to a happy life for many couples.
My husband and I share several joint accounts for bills, holidays, expenses, etc but also each has a personal play money account that the other can’t see. We each get $200 a fortnight to spend on whatever we feel like with zero accountability required. Works great for us.
We also have savings, investments, etc lined up and just paid off our mortgage, so our finances are sorted prior to having play money. But highly recommend ‘secret’ accounts.” banksyswife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he has no issue spending on himself and gets annoyed with you spending less on yourself, the issue isn’t the moolah.
He’s selfish or controlling.
Do you already have a budget set up for the monthly bills, and do you know what your share is? If so, get that separate bank account set up stat. In your place, I would likely have my paycheck deposited there, then transfer my share of bill money to the joint account.
I currently have separate accounts/cards/retirement savings from my partner, and he has his own as well. We have a joint account for household expenses. It’s important to know there’s something that’s entirely within your control if you need it… and on the flip side, it’s also helpful when you want to arrange a surprise for your partner and not have them see the receipt!
However you decide to move through this, you are entirely justified in having your own money to do stuff with – you work too, you contribute too. You deserve to treat yourself too. Just remember that it’s not a financial discussion if your partner refuses to budge.
That’s dictatorial behavior, and he’s trying to run your household like his own little fiefdom.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems that you proposed a reasonable solution about getting separate bank accounts for personal spending and he declined. Sounds more controlling than anything.
I would have an honest conversation and see if anything else is bothering him. There’s no problem with splitting bills and having the funds in one account. Maybe he doesn’t respect your profession and is feeling stress from work and could be taking it out on you.
But no, if you’re not spending a lot of money and have offered solutions, I’m not sure what the issue is.” istarttowonder
7. AITJ For Not Coming To Work After Being Invited To A Party?
“I care for a gentleman with motor neurone disease (an uncommon condition that affects the brain and nerves), his mum and step-dad are also full-time employed carers and he lives with them.
His birthday is coming up and he is having a big party at the house.
His mum invited me a month ago to this party that’s next week. She told me to arrive at 6 pm, to bring my partner with me, and to bring my own booze to drink while there.
Today she’s doing the schedule for that week and asks me to work a 12-hour shift (8 am – 8 pm) on the day of the party because she and her husband want the day off.
If she’s telling me to arrive at 6 pm with my partner and with liquor with the intention to consume it, that tells me that I’m not expected to be on shift that day.
I have offered to work the next day, but have said I don’t want to work the day of the party.
Or I will work the day of the party but I will be leaving at 8 pm and going home as I won’t want to party after a 12-hour shift. She isn’t happy with either answer because she wants me at the party but also wants me to work it.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your employer is a straight-up jerk. Who invites someone to a party and then tells them to work a 12-hour shift? You know who does that, an inconsiderate jerk. Oh, and don’t forget to bring the booze that you shouldn’t be drinking while working.
She wants you at a party, but she wants you to work. How do you make an employee come to work without asking them to come to work? You invite them to 12 hours at a party! Stevie Wonder can see who’s the jerk in this situation.” Appropriate_Self_113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She completely contradicted herself with both her requests. Not least; attending a party as a carer is a completely different experience from attending one as a guest. She’s trying to have her cake and eat it.
It’s understandable that she wants to spend the day as ‘Mom’ not ‘carer’ but she’s passing off that double standard to you.
Your compromises were more than fair; I’d stand firm on them.” therogueheart1967
6. AITJ For Wearing Oversized Clothes?
“I’ve been wearing oversized clothes and my whole wardrobe is filled with big clothing, I wear them all the time.
The problem is my mum isn’t that fond of them.
Sometimes when I wear them she’ll ‘say take that off’ or if we are going somewhere fancy she’ll say ‘come on, don’t embarrass me looking like that, it looks like you just woke up’.
One time I was donating all of my undersized clothes (that still fit me) that I don’t like and my mum didn’t approve of it.
The thing that confuses me is that she doesn’t mind me wearing them and sometimes she likes them, but sometimes she doesn’t.
I might be the jerk for wearing them all the time but it’s my style.
So, am I wrong for wearing oversized clothes all the time?
Edit: My mum is a very sweet woman but it’s just my clothes that she isn’t that fond of, sometimes my dad agrees with her.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here ’cause it doesn’t sound like she’s being a jerk to you about it, and I guess to touch on your one example, ‘somewhere fancy’ there are some places or situations that do have more of an implied dress code, for better or worse.” whiterice2323
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but don’t get rid of your more fitted clothes. You may want them someday. Besides, oversized clothing is trendy right now but you will end up having to spend a lot to replace the things you get rid of now in a few years when they’re back on trend.” lsg3654
5. AITJ For Putting Sports Before My Family?
“I (f) work a full-time job. My husband is a farmer and works on the farm all day.
I came home tonight to MIL and her sister chatting in our living room. Had no idea this was going to happen. Come to find my husband in his man cave watching baseball. After changing outfits and asking him why he didn’t say MIL was there, he replied ‘I didn’t think it would be a big deal.’ Which it’s not, honestly.
After telling him I’d go start dinner and like it if he left said man cave to join the guests, he said the famous ‘In a minute.’
Fast forward 30 minutes and still no movement from the man cave. I went to ask again if he’d come out and visit knowing full well he could watch the game on one of his devices.
Again, he replied, ‘In a minute.’ AITJ for being disappointed and feeling like I have to beg him to visit his own aunt and mother? All for him to ask why I’m being distant at the dinner table and after dinner…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But when people drop in without notice? They get what they get. If they were offended, they can talk to him, they are his family, after all, maybe they are used to it. And perhaps had a conversation prior to you coming home about how he wanted to watch the game.” Not_really1010
4. AITJ For Getting Annoyed When I Was Asked About The Best Pizza In Town?
“I (24F) am friends with Alex (24M) and Hillary (24F) for the past year. We’re not super close, we hang out maybe twice a month but we go to the same uni and have some courses together. So, Alex wants me to invite him over for dinner and he’s asked me a lot of times.
So, I ask him to come over whenever I make something good but something always comes up with him.
So today, Hillary called me in the afternoon, asking me to go out with her shopping because she needs a pink bottom to go with her top for a pink-themed party.
I wanted to stay in because I was hungover from the previous night and I was gonna make a delicious appetizer for myself after. so I told her this and also suggested that she could borrow a pink skirt that I have and sent her a picture of it.
After hearing this, she invited herself over for the appetizer and at the same time she would take the skirt from me. She also said Alex would also come since they’ll be hanging out together the entire day. They planned to come by 9 pm.
We hang up. Mind you, I didn’t invite them for dinner, nor did I say I had enough to make something for us three.
Anyway, later in the evening, I made the dish that I was supposed to make for myself, thinking it would serve best as a snack.
It would have made a proper meal for me with leftovers but could also be a snack for 2-3 people. Then Alex called me an hour later, asking me if what I’m making would be enough for a meal for them, when I told him it would only be okay as a snack, he jokingly asked me to make something more filling for them.
I laughed it off. Then he said he’ll see if he can come.
So at 9 pm when I was ready with the food, I get a call from Hillary who was out with Alex asking me again about how much food I had made so I told them its 16 pieces (LOL).
Then they tell me it won’t be enough for a meal and they canceled. I get a call again in 5 minutes from Hillary saying I should accompany them to a pizza place since they were planning to go there. I told them, I was planning on eating the food that I prepared. We hang up.
They call me again, this time Alex calls me. And guess what he asks me? ‘What’s the best pizza place?’
SO AITJ for getting annoyed for thinking that my friends only wanted to come over for food or am I thinking too much about this?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s just a bit rude of them, maybe they think it’s cute. Put your meal in the fridge and go see them at the pizza place, or say you aren’t feeling well, eat your meal and watch TV.
Nothing to stress over unless this is a constant thing.
Learning how to elegantly defend boundaries without causing drama is a big part of being a grown-up. Not always possible, but this one should be easy.” StuckAFtherInHisCap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She invited herself over and then decided to invite someone else as well. She knew you already had a plan for what you were making, just because you said she could borrow a skirt doesn’t mean you volunteered to host dinner for them.
Then it’s really insulting to cancel on you at the time they were supposed to be there and then ask about pizza. If that’s what they wanted they could have got pizza and bought it at your house and shared it with you.
These are inconsiderate and selfish people. So many think the world revolves around them and act the same way those two acted.” ritakitri
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know, it kinda sounds like they were hungry. I mean if they were trying to take advantage of you I don’t think she would have invited you out to pizza.
It seemed like she didn’t want to impose and ask for more food, so instead, they made dinner plans.
Also, she was coming over for apps and to pick up a skirt. This sounds casual, not like they canceled on a planned event or something big.
They didn’t even cancel on dinner, just on appetizers, and they still wanted to hang out with you, they just wanted food. Their questions were annoying though.
You know your friends better, maybe there’s backstory but if what’s up there is all there is I think you’re a little too upset.
No jerks here.” unaotradesechable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t want them to come because you were tired and ended up being pushed to accept them. Then after you accept that they bail out on you which would have gotten me mad af.
Then they ask you to come out when you’re clearly tired. You being mad is totally normal. Though I think there might have been some miscommunication about your mood. You’re definitely not in the wrong.” Dilemma_Nay
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Dad For Getting Married?
“My dad (42m) has a poor relationship with myself (22f) and my younger teen brothers. My stepmother divorced him in 2018 shortly after I got married because he’s a narcissist. Everyone knows he is except him of course.
About 3 months after the divorce started, my dad started seeing other women. Then they moved in 4 months later. I warned her of him, but she was grown and I didn’t dislike her at all. Turns out she’s kind of manipulative too but that’s another story.
Anyways, the meat of the story, my dad finally married her in Feb 2022. I was expecting them to eventually get married. However, he told nobody he was doing this. They got engaged at Christmas, didn’t tell us. Then married and never told us.
No one began finding out until the end of March. Dad mailed a card of the wedding to my ex-step grandma so she told my ex-step mom who told me and my brothers. Like what?
How could my own father just not tell me these things?
But I immediately messaged him flipping out. He just said he didn’t want to cause drama or stress us out. Then he tried to blame my ex-stepmom for something I don’t know. After I was done ranting, I just stopped messaging him.
He tried to call once but hasn’t made any other efforts to talk to me. No one in my family blames me for freaking out on him. My husband said ‘He’s grown and can do what he wants.’ JUST NOW HE ADDS ‘You don’t live with your dad so him getting remarried doesn’t affect you, so why are you mad about it’.
So I ask AITJ cause my husband thinks I’m being childish.
Edit: He said he was trying to get me and my brothers together after my birthday to tell us in person. None of my brothers wanted to go have a ‘late birthday dinner with dad’ and I didn’t want to make the 3-hour round drive there alone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If being married means anything at all then not telling your own child about it is a big deal. If marriage to you is just something on paper or is something that can just be undone then it doesn’t hold as much value.
Morally I think you’re right. If their marriage means something to your father then it should have been shared with you despite the ‘drama’ that may have risen. And I think your husband is a turd to just saying.” National-Cry222
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’m sure you have boatloads of baggage with your dad that is well-earned (I have a complicated relationship with my dad, so I get it), but look, your post drips with contempt for him. You knew his last wife was unfaithful and didn’t tell him, and imply he had it coming because he’s a narcissist. You say you ‘warned’ the new wife about him (seriously, what?).
Why on earth would he invite you to his wedding, or even tell you about it? Are you mad you didn’t get the last chance to try and drive away the new wife?
Also, side note, but… for someone you call a narcissist, he sure didn’t feel the need to trumpet his upcoming nuptials to the world.
Weird.” katybean12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Anyone who doesn’t have a lot of intimate experience with a narcissist isn’t going to understand what you’re talking about here and may side with your husband as I see them doing now.
But anyone who knows what a narcissist is like is going to understand what this is really and your feelings are valid 100%.
Also, your husband needs to stop talking. That’s really obnoxious minimizing or dismissing your feelings especially when it comes to a narcissist. They can be diabolical. I have too much experience with that so from one person with experience to another based on my knowledge of how they operate I think the answer to your question on how could he do it or why would he do that is because it was a long-term plan to create the greatest dramatic/emotional impact he could when he finally dropped the bomb that he got married way after the fact.
When he let the first person know that he had gotten married that was like pressing the button on the bomb and the fallout that he was about to see happen was the effects of the bomb that he had been planning for a long time.
Unfortunately your anger and anyone else’s upset over this is exactly what he’s looking for and it feeds into his need for just that very type of thing.
He says he didn’t want drama but that is precisely what he wanted because controlling people’s emotions and causing upset allows him to feel like he has some control and relevance which otherwise he would not have and that’s what they kind of survive on.
I think it’s as simple as that.
As far as your reaction I can say when it comes to having any dealings with a narcissist and the way that they can be so diabolically cruel and manipulative gives you every single right to be irate and yell at him not that it will do any good.
Even though it will be feeding his cruelty it’s important for you to stand up for yourself in a situation like that. Because they’ll never change and you’ll never be able to alter the way they treat you there’s no sense in always rising above it when you are mistreated again and again and so in order to not wind up feeling like a worthless doormat it’s very important to allow yourself to respond in anger AS LONG AS you don’t expect any results other than feeling like you stood up for yourself.” Orphan_Izzy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I do totally think your dad should have told you. At the same time, blowing up at him wasn’t the right thing to do either. It could be a good opportunity to have a chat while he didn’t feel comfortable sharing that with you, and a chance for you to read assure him that you are going to love him and help him where he’s at.” Intheboxalready
2. AITJ For Telling My Friend Her Dad Is Weird?
“I (19F) went to my friend (20F) Jessica’s house for the first time a few months ago for a weekend.
She lives nearby the college we go to so it was nice. When I was there, I noticed that there were some weird dynamics in the house. Her mom’s (40F) the breadwinner and she makes a lot of money as a lawyer.
Honestly, I’m not sure what she does but she makes bank. Her dad (40?M) is the stay-at-home dad. I thought that was cool because you don’t see older people with different gender dynamics.
But it got weird later on.
At dinner, Jessica’s dad started feeding her mom. Like her mom would be asking us questions about college, and he’d just shove a forkful of food in her mouth. After dinner, her mom would say she’s not tired but then her dad would say it’s bedtime and just pick her up and cart her off to bed. What grown woman needs that?
He told me to dim the lights because it was annoying her eyes. It wasn’t even 10. At breakfast, the same thing happened. Jessica’s mom would be on her phone, and he would grab it and feed her like she couldn’t use her own utensils.
It felt kinda abusive to me. At breakfast, I offered Jessica’s mom some coffee we had made and HE grabbed the cup and said that she couldn’t have it.
I had enough and I told Jessica that the way her dad was acting with her mom wasn’t right.
She got defensive and said he acts like that because her mom got a brain injury years ago and so she needs to be taken care of. I told her that her mom was a grown woman who has had a career so I doubt she needs to be fed or made to wear socks.
She said I had no idea what I was talking about. I doubled down and said her dad was a control freak and a creep and she was helping her mom be mistreated. She kicked me out.
Last week, I heard some mutual friends of ours talk about Jessica’s parents’ weird dynamics.
Jessica overheard us and asked if that’s why we all declined her offer to go to her house for the weekend. I said yeah you’re dad’s still an abusive creep. She called me a jerk. Our friends are split.
And now we’re not talking.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so are your friends. You have literally been told that her mom has brain damage. It may be in areas that only affect her sleep/wake patterns (this explains the light and coffee) and the part of her brain that sends hunger messages (explains the feeding stuff).
If the mom shows no reaction to pulling away or avoiding these assists, then no it is not abuse. This may well be loving care and assistance. You don’t have all the information and were very quick to judge based on your own limited life experience.
It also would NOT be appropriate to pry further. Unless it is behaviors which are causing harm or agitation for the mother, just stay out of it.” ArtOwn7773
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I mean at first I thought it was kind of weird too but let’s start with ‘it really has nothing to do about you’.
Stick your nose where you’ve been asked to know about. It’s not like you really knew this family and were sincerely worried about her mother. You spend one weekend with them and just made up your mind. The second most important point is your friend (although I really think she doesn’t deserve to have a friend like you) she literally explains to you what happened to her mom, being a lie or not, you did your ‘part,’ live it!
But no, you call her a liar and act like you know all the dynamics in the family and all the signs of abuse, and the worst of all, you even talk to people (her friends too) about exposing her, telling them a story about what YOU see in the last 2 days, and still tried to humiliate her by saying her dad was a creep.
I mean, you’re just mean really. If I was here, I don’t know what I would do with you speaking about my father this way, but I surely would call you a lot more than a jerk.” tehroque
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You know NOTHING and that’s messed up. You told your friend she was helping with the mistreatment, what a shameless thing to say without knowing details. She had every right to kick you out of the house after you disrespected her family and then for you and your friends to talk about her parents behind her back, what kind of friends are y’all?
You can find it creepy but don’t assume crap until you have hard proof.” CursedCyborg
1. AITJ For Not Giving Shoes To My Mom After She Threw One At Me?
“I (14 almost 15) just got a brand new pair of shoes from a family friend as a birthday gift who’s visiting currently. They were size 9 black men Nikes and I really liked them but there was a problem.
One of them wouldn’t fit my foot. Although being very upset after really trying to get them on. I toss one to my mother after she told me to hand them over to see if she could loosen them even though I explained to her that the shoe CAN’T be loosened (IDK why it’s just the way it was made).
She tried something and I had realized I handed her the wrong shoe so I tried to tell her 3 times before she actually listened.
Here’s what happened.
Me: Hey I handed you the wrong one (×2)
Her: (not listening to me at first then looking at me) What?
Me: I handed you the wrong one and I said that like 2 different times.
Her: (decided to get mad and throw the shoe at me hitting a hot coffee In the process)
I was honestly extremely scared at that moment and dodged it by an inch, the shoe then went straight into a hot coffee on the table that luckily didn’t get on me but I was still extremely shocked and immediately just wanted to cry honestly.
I then went to sit in front of the TV because she went over to clean up the mess she just made and I took the shoes with me.
After a while, my mom comes back out and sits on the couch and says something along the lines of ‘if they don’t fit you then I guess I’ll wear them’ so I told her ‘no, these are my shoes?’
And the conversation went as followed:
M = (mom): Well if they don’t fit you then they aren’t yours anymore!
Me: Uh… no? These were a birthday gift to me so they are still mine
M: Oh so what are they gonna do, sit there and look pretty like the rest of them (referencing my green and white Nikes that I can’t wear because I have wide arched feet and they just hurt too much)
Me: No, I don’t know…? But they’re mine.
So I went and put my shoes on the table and walked up to the bathroom to just process what happened and while up here since the vents are all connected in my house pretty much and the bathroom is right by the stairs to go to where my family is, I overhear them talking about me and saying some really rude stuff and this stuff honestly just hurt me, so…
Am I the jerk here??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let the family friend know the shoes don’t fit. If there is a location of the store they went to local to you and they still have the receipt go and see if a half size or a full size up will fit you.
Your mother doesn’t get your gift just because they don’t fit. There is very much an easy solution. And no you won’t be rude for saying the shoes don’t fit. Been there, done that, and my feet eventually evened out in size.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Those are your shoes, and it’s your place to decide what to do with them. Just take them to the store and exchange them for a pair that does fit. Or your mom can buy them from you.
But she doesn’t just get to take them because they don’t fit you.
The rest of your family doesn’t seem to be much better. I imagine you’ll go no-contact when you get old enough.” ChapSteve711
Another User Comments:
“I think both of you are a jerk a little bit here.
I feel like your mom felt disrespected when you tossed the shoe at her. Maybe you tossed it too hard? Sometimes that happens. Nobody’s fault really. Then she got an attitude about it and now you’re both bordering on being a jerk.
Before one of you goes full jerk, go talk to your mom using very nice words.” Maxwyfe
