People Ask Us Our Sentiments About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Reading Books And Speaking More Languages Than My Partner?
“Lately my significant other told me he’s never going to talk to me again because I read books and speak English AND the language of the country we live in (in Eastern Europe) so I think I’m smarter than him and look down on him.
He has known that I read books and that I’m an American who learned the local language from day one.
He makes me feel guilty and terrible.
He always says I’m telling people bad things about him even when I’m not and if I disagree with him on anything small that doesn’t even feel like a disagreement, he says I’m trying to feel powerful by putting him down.
I once said I liked it when he said my name and he didn’t talk to me for months because he was adamant I was mocking him despite my multiple apologies.
What can I do to remedy this and am I really a jerk???”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There’s nothing here that even resembles jerk behavior on your part here, but your significant other sounds like a terrifying piece of work. Petty, vindictive, either wildly paranoid or constantly lying; apparently subscribes to the theory that feelings of inferiority are best confronted by trying to drag everyone else down rather than by being less inferior.
I’d run at the earliest opportunity.” fuzzyfuzzyfungus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s the jerk! Get rid of him as malignant narcissists never change. This is verbal abuse, the more you blossom and progress in life the more he’ll whine and moan that you’re more educated/better than him and always looking down on him; until you are a shell of your former self and he can mold you into ‘the perfect girl’ he wants.” User
16. AITJ For Telling My Niece To Stay In The Closet Until She Gets Her Inheritance?
“My (42M) niece (17F) recently confided in me that she is a lesbian. I supported her, let her know I’d be there, etc. Usual ally stuff.
However, she told me she was going to come out to the whole world this week.
I let her know she should absolutely wait for her grandparents (my parents) to pass. My father is incredibly wealthy and has tens of millions of dollars in assets that he will be passing down once he is gone.
My father is a raging homophobe who has flat out stated any gay individual in our family would be written out of the will. And to make sure the rest of us don’t just split more with a said gay relative, they will, instead, have that portion of the inheritance (put aside for that family member) donated to charitable causes.
That amount will be erased from the inheritance.
Since both my father and mother are incredibly poor health, (stage 4 cancer and debilitating dementia respectively) I told my niece she should stay in the closet for a while longer.
If she comes out as a lesbian and they find out, she will quite literally lose out on 7 million dollars.
She was a little sad but was also appreciative since that is obviously a life-changing amount that will allow her to live luxuriously until she dies.
My wife, however, said that I am being a jerk. I am telling this poor girl to hide who she is just to appease old bigots. That is true, I am asking her to appease old bigots.
But I feel like her life quality will be much better with 7 million dollars at the cost of 1-2 years in the closet at tops.
I have also seen my father’s will and know who is getting what, so my niece IS definitely going to receive 7 million as long as my father doesn’t rewrite or edit his will.
Am I the jerk for telling my niece to stay in the closet so she can be a millionaire?
Small update: my wife apologized for getting snippy with me and now agrees she should hide it for a year or two.
She is a powerful advocate of LGBTQ+ rights so she had an angry knee-jerk reaction to my dad’s bigotry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You gave her the reality of the family dynamics, the full-out trashy version.
What she chooses to do is really up to her and her decision to live with.
If it’s not that long… in her situation when I came out as queer and it caused an issue and I knew it would, with that amount on the line, and let’s give it a generous 3yrs, cos there’s 7mil on the table I would do it in a heartbeat.
She can donate a portion to charities of her choice once she has the moolah, she can make investments so that she could even continue to do so with some of the revenues made if she says gets property or other smart income-earning investments.
She could literally set herself up to be able to follow dreams while investing some to grow so later down the line she still has something coming to maturity that’ll be worth a lot if things don’t work outright.
While it is a hard choice to probably sit down and deal with. If it’s a situation where he isn’t a giant part of her life and she just needs to be PRIVATE and not lie per se, just never make it an issue then she in her private life can still do as she sees fit.
However, I would suggest turning her social media to approvals for tagging in posts, etc, or moving any iffy family over to the ‘restricted’ friends list. While no one has anything to gain from outing her, petty still exists and can come from the most unlikely sources over the smallest perceived slight when this much is at stake.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just gonna be real, $70,000 would be life-changing for me. I couldn’t even fathom getting $700,000. She has a chance to get $7,000,000. At the very least she gets to make her own choice, but I would urge her very much to stay in the closet.
Financial security is just a different kind of feeling. I’d argue that while she may be delaying her true identity, she’s also adding years onto her life that she can enjoy being herself.” StateofWA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is a huge game-changer for her, and at 17 years old, she could do a lot to set up her future with schooling and savings plans. You didn’t force her to stay in the closet and didn’t forbid her from doing anything, you simply advised her of the wiser option.
It’s heartbreaking that she can’t express herself to her grandparents if she chooses to take the inheritance but it’ll be better for her in the long run. She will still have the option to come out to the family she trusts not to tell your parents in the meantime, which is a silver lining – and, of course, her friends and so on.
You did the right thing, OP. Your wife will know that when she sees your niece receive a great headstart in life.” maggotrism
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I mean your dad kind of is one, but if we’re talking about you, your wife, and your niece, none of you are jerks.
Your wife has a point, but I think if your niece stays in the closet it would be beneficial in two ways. first, as you pointed out, she would get millions in inheritance.
That’s a life-changing amount, and waiting a year or two to help your life be more comfortable is a no-brainer to me. But if she came out and your father reacts as you expect him to, she could destroy her relationship with her grandfather in the last few months of his life.
my great grandparents were hugely homophobic, and I purposely waited to come out as bi to my family until after they passed because I wanted my memory of them to be of all the good times, not of them ridiculing me for something out of my control.
for all of their faults, I loved them, and I didn’t want anything to change my memory of them for the rest of my life.” Mr__Snek
And after she gets her share, she can donate part of it to LGBTQ+ charities of her choice as both a nice gesture and an "F*U" to her bigoted grandparents.
15. AITJ For Copying My Own Work?
“I work at a midsize startup that’s small enough that you probably haven’t heard of it but big enough that we have multiple departments.
I used to work in a different department but had to transfer to my current position after an HR incident involving my former manager. Suffice it to say I filed the report and the company isn’t big on punishing retaliation so my only recourse was to leave.
Now I’m in another department but still working for the same company. I ran into a similar problem last week to something I fixed in my old position years ago. I looked up the code in our system and sure enough, my old code was still in place working as expected, and hadn’t been modified since I originally wrote and committed it.
So I copied the entire file over to my new project, adapted it as necessary, sent it out for review, and committed it with no problem.
Cue a mysterious meeting put on my calendar with me, my new manager, my new manager’s manager, and my old manager.
No description was provided. I grudgingly show up to this meeting only to find out that my old manager is accusing me of ‘stealing’ and ‘plagiarizing’ his team’s code. Now I’ve heard of plagiarizing your own work like in college courses and I’ve heard of companies stealing code but really copying my own work that I made for the same company??
My managers asked me if I copied the code and I said that I did. They then told my old manager that they’d ‘take this under advisement’ and left the room. I got up to leave because I didn’t want to be alone around my old manager (whom I had reported to HR!) and he commented that my unprofessional and lazy attitude had finally caught up to’ me.
AITJ for copying that code?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is how I, and anyone else, writes technical documentation. If you took it to another company, that WOULD be stealing. Sounds like you work at a pretty vindictive place, hope you can find something better with all this thing going on.” spacelincoln
Another User Comments:
“NTJ this ridiculous toxic crap you work for the same company and not only is he wasting the company’s time by insisting that teams work in isolation without sharing solutions to common problems he is wasting everyone’s time by calling stupid meetings about it.
You are not writing a scientific paper you are writing code to make a computer do something. Reusing code you already know works is the correct move. I hope somebody up the ladder understands the absolutely insane nature of this complaint.
He is basically making a fuss over you saving the company time and resources while probably improving or at least keeping the quality. I’m running out of words for my anger.” ShiggnessKhan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is good that you remembered you solved a similar issue before, and only good practice to reuse what you had already thought up in the past. Reinventing the exact same thing would have cost loads more time anyway…” Myrania
14. AITJ For Not Wanting Romance With My Friend?
“Yesterday was my best friend’s birthday. I gave her the comic book she wanted for a long time. She was very happy to be given the gifts. She said I must care a lot about her because it was an expensive gift. I told her I do care about her, she is my best friend.
She kisses me. I did not kiss back. She looked more sad than angry. I asked her why she looked that way. She said I was playing her. I asked her what that means and she told me to Google it.
I did Google it but it did not make sense. I do not think I did that to her.
I text message her later and asked to talk. She said she was embarrassed. She thinks I like her in a romantic way.
I told her many months ago that I do not like anyone romantically. My other friend told me I am aromantic. I have never felt attraction or romance for anyone. My friend knows this.
I told her about it after I talked to my other friend. She supports me in that.
She said she does not know why I would buy an expensive gift if I do not like her romantic way.
I told her I bought it because she is my friend and I know she wanted that gift. She told me the only time expensive gifts are given is if it is for romance.
I did not know that about Americans. I thought buying a gift for a friend was a good thing to do. I see many people gifting friends. On my birthday she did not gift me an expensive gift. She bought me a sandwich I wanted. If she wanted romance should she have given me an expensive gift then?
This morning when I woke up I look at the text message she sent late last night. She said she cannot be friends if I do not date her. It would hurt her if we are not together.
I text her ‘I cannot feel romance for anyone. You are my best friend. It would be sad if we were not friends anymore.’ She texted me ‘You are a jerk. Do not friend zone me.’ I ask what friend zone is.
She said to Google it. I did Google it. I do not think I did that to her. She never told me any time before she wanted romance. I do not understand her.
My other friend who told me I am aromantic texted me. My best friend called her crying and said I hurt her feelings. She told me to take a chance on my best friend.
I said I do not want to do that. It would not be nice to be romantic with my friend if I do not feel romantic. She said I should try that I maybe would like it.
I told her no. I do not think she wants to be friends with me anymore.
I feel sad. Many people do not want to be my friend. When I moved here they were the two people who spoke to me.
They give me time to say the words I mean. They tell me when I say words wrong. They have patience and tell people who make fun of my speaking to leave me alone.
They are both nice friends. I do not know why romance makes them not be my friend anymore. It does not make sense. Now I have no friends. I do not want to have any friends.
Should I date my best friend so that I still have a friend? AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And friend zone is nonsense.
You don’t owe anyone a romantic relationship ever. I’m sorry but your friend is toxic.
You gave her a gift for her birthday and she made a move on her and got annoyed when you didn’t reciprocate and accused you of ‘playing’ her and ‘friend-zoning’ her. You were seriously just trying to be a good friend.
I get expensive gifts for my friends because that’s just who I am. If any of them pulled what your friend did I’d be kicking them to the curb.” BriaKhalifa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Don’t date anyone you don’t have feelings for, it will only end in disaster.
I can’t blame your best friend, as you cannot always control your feelings. And her saying I can’t be with you unless we are going out is something you have to accept, even though it makes you say (although the thing about expensive gifts only for romantically involved people is bs).
However, the reason I say NTJ, not ‘no jerks here’ is that other friend that tries to bully you into going into this relationship. Clearly, she just hopes for something she thinks would be great but does not even sit down to consider if it is best for you.
Also yes you did friendzone your best friend, but that is what you do with FRIENDS, I mean it is in the name…” Anuri_DnD
And yes, you can give any type of gift you want to a friend.
13. AITJ For Not Contributing To My Brother's Wedding?
“A little backstory for setup. I was widowed a little over a year ago.
My husband had a substantial life insurance policy as well as a successful business that I have recently sold. I have no financial issues. I can raise my daughter without worry.
My older brother proposed to his significant other back in January.
She’s nice and seems to love my brother. We have had no issues in the past.
2020 came, so we haven’t done family get-togethers or anything. Their wedding planning has been put on hold.
Until recently. Our state has slowly started opening, no one has been sick, weather has been good, so my Dad and stepmom decided to have a family dinner on their outdoor patio to discuss my brother’s wedding.
With my future sister-in-law’s (FSIL) parents in attendance so they could all get on the same page.
I tried to dip out because wedding planning isn’t my thing (I eloped) but was told my presence was requested by FSIL.
My stepmom said she thought I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid. (Which would have been a NO but that’s beside the point).
Dinner was uneventful but afterward, my FSIL pulls out a 3 ring binder and starts handing out ‘information packets’ about her wedding.
When and where she wanted it, pictures of dresses she was considering, colors, ideas for catering, pictures of cakes, everything a well-prepared bride could come up with.
My favorite page was the list of expenses.
How much she expected everyone to contribute. Her Dad, her mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, my brother’s Mom, and ME. I said ‘You expect me to contribute? That’s hilarious’ I was met with a stern gaze from my brother.
‘Oh my God, you’re serious. Yeah, that’s not happening’.
Cue the meltdown from the bride-to-be. Her Dad speaks up and tells her that she was already told that combined between both him and her Mom and Stepdad, she would be given $70,000 to do what she wanted. Just like they did for her sister.
She started crying. My dad chimes in and say ‘Yeah, between the 3 of us, we will pay for a nice rehearsal dinner for like 30 people and an open beer and wine bar at the reception.
That’s it.’ She started screaming. Like holding her hands over her ears and screaming ‘Why is everyone trying to ruin my life?’
So I said ‘This is where I leave.’ She stands up and comes to me and gets in my face, telling me how it was all my fault.
I have a budget so I should be willing to spend it on her because she’s going to be ‘family’.
I just laughed, looked at my brother, said ‘Good luck with all that’ and walked out.
My FSIL blew my phone up for 2 days, calling me names and telling me how awful I am. I haven’t talked to my brother but my Dad said the wedding planning has been put on hold while she reevaluates whether she wants to marry into a selfish family.
L**O.
I know in my heart I’m NTJ but a friend seems to think I should contribute just to keep the peace. Which I don’t really care about at this point and my Dad and stepmom agree with me.
My other siblings do too but are trying to stay out of it.
EDIT: On top of the 70k her parents were willing to contribute, she wanted 50k from my Dad and Brother’s Mom snd 30k from me.
Yes, $150k for a wedding. Also, I think she had originally asked her parents for $80,000
EDIT 2: My stepmom says she has some things to tell either tomorrow or Wednesday, whenever we can catch up.
EDIT 3: I was taken by surprise, and being nice was the furthest thing from my mind. I showed a great deal of restraint because her parents were there and I had never met them before.
If they hadn’t been, there would have been a lot of cursing. A LOT.
My daughter hadn’t seen my in-laws much since 2020 except over video chat. If she had been home, I probably wouldn’t have gone at all.”
Cue to the chat with my stepmom – So my stepmom wanted to talk to me and she and I had a chat yesterday. The first thing she said was that my brother wanted to get together and talk this out.
Which we did today. More on that later… My stepmom told me that she and my dad had seen FSIL act like a brat a few times towards my brother but never anything like that night at dinner.
My dad told my brother that what happened was completely ridiculous and both he and she owed me major apologies. He also let my brother know that he now has apprehensions about my brother getting married to her.
And he wanted my brother to really think about what he wanted. And that if he decided to marry her anyway, he doesn’t know how much of our family would attend.
My Dad did apologize to me if I felt like he didn’t defend me from her.
He just said that he was so shocked about what went on that he couldn’t react. My Dad and I are fine.
As for my brother… It’s sort of uneventful. We met for lunch at my Dads house today.
When I walked in, he tried to hug me but I wasn’t having it. He did apologize. Sincerely I believe. He told me that he knew about all the wedding stuff she had prepared but not the ‘expense sheet’ and that he had told her weeks ago what his parents were willing to pay for and that she could not ask me for moolah.
When I started laughing, he knew that she didn’t listen to him and he was annoyed but didn’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone. He went on to say that when they left, he blew up on her and she told him that she couldn’t believe that he was ok with his family being so selfish and it escalated from there with her packing a bag and going to a hotel because her parents said she couldn’t go to their house.
I asked him where they stood now and he just shrugged. I asked if he still wanted to marry her but before he answered, I said that I didn’t care. It was his life and he could do what he wanted but I (and my daughter whom he adores) would absolutely not be there.
And if he did marry her that our relationship would change forever. I would never ask my Dad to choose between us and that I am perfectly capable of being civil to him at family events but that was it.
I did hug him when he left and told him that I hope this all has the outcome he can live with.
And I may actually be the jerk now, but I really don’t care.
I’m ok with how it ended.
I don’t want an apology from her. She means nothing to me now.
I feel like this is over and I can let it go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Personally, I’d ask her what she was willing to cough up for your daughter’s college fund. After all, her niece is gonna be family, so she and your brother should clearly want to cough up five figures for that.
It’s really insulting because you know your brother had a conversation with her about where your financial independence came from. The isn’t just yours, it’s presumably for you and your daughter. Your brother was basically asking his young niece to fork out for his future aunt’s wedding!
$30K invested wisely now could potentially pay for your daughter’s entire education, depending upon how old she is right now. But you’re supposed to contribute to some sort of massive wedding? I mean, $70K from her parents should have been more than adequate.
What was she thinking, and more importantly, what was your brother thinking to let her make those plans and treat them like a fait accompli?” Chasmosaur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The financial buffer you have is not to give you a frivolous easy spending lifestyle, it’s meant to be there so that you don’t have to work yourself to death to provide a safe, healthy home for your child, to pay for her further education or even her wedding if you wanted – all those things your husband would have been involved with had he lived and still had the ability to earn a living.
Take this approach; if your husband was still alive, would they have expected him to pay for the wedding still?
I’d be looking askance at your older brother too – he knew exactly what she was planning and is supporting her outrageous demand and subsequent behavior, it sounds as if he also believes they had the right to expect your financial support.
Anything you give to anyone else is taking it out of the mouth of your child. Hopefully, they both get a clue very, very quickly.” goosebumples
Another User Comments:
“150k is a LOT.
Like that’s a crazy amount and for her to expect you to put in is absolutely ridiculous. It’s honestly ridiculous that are parents are pouring in $70k and that’s NOT ENOUGH. You can have an extravagant and gorgeous wedding with probably like $30k?
Maybe even less depending on how many guests you have and food, etc. She is really ridiculous to think she needs that much for a wedding. You can get a good wedding dress for like 2-3k, maybe even cheaper.
NTJ. It’s also rude to expect you to pay for her wedding if she can’t afford it with the $70k her parents are already throwing in and is expecting $50k from your dad and bro’s mom and $30k from you, she needs to lower her budget.
She shouldn’t be expecting anyone to contribute that money, maybe her parents if they promised her that amount, but shouldn’t be expecting from your parents. What she’s asking and demanding is unreasonable and for her to throw a fit like that is childish.
NTJ.” pandadimsum
12. AITJ For Telling MIT They Have To Let Me Live Off-Campus?
“My parents are religious and I can’t live on campus or my parents told me they will disown me.
I got a scholarship because I found a “Zero-day” myself looking at a popular opensource program called Apache when I was younger.
MIT requires that all freshmen live on campus but I can’t do that or I won’t have a family.
I said my parents would pay for an apartment nearby, but I literally can’t live on campus because casual hookups goe on there, and I will be disowned if I do.
They said they will have to look into it, but they also pretty much called me a jerk, and said: ‘Oh you losing your family isn’t as important as our rules, why don’t you respect our rules?’
But it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t or I won’t have a family, so they can accept that, and let me live off-campus, or I can not go, and keep my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a tough situation. Your family has a terrible reason to disown you if you live on campus. It’s college, people have casual hookups. But if the absolute only option is to live on campus, I’d suggest that you still do it.
I’m so sorry your family is like this. Your family should not disown you over living on campus, but you have to live your life. Don’t give up this opportunity at MIT just because of what your family wants.
You need to do what’s right for you and your life. It’s ultimately your choice to make, but whatever you decide, do it for your own happiness, not your family’s.” cleoh220
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
But you need to grow up. Casual hookups don’t just ‘happen’ all the time. You have to initiate it. If you are against premarital stuff that’s fine. Follow your religious beliefs but that is your responsibility and your faith.
Staying at your parents’ house and expecting a UNIVERSITY to change their policy for you cause you can’t keep your pants on? That’s a bit too far.
Edited to add: Your parents are painting an unrealistic set of expectations.
If they are going to treat you like this for just moving out they are going to find something else to hold over your head. Setting reasonable expectations for you moving out-justified, threatening to cut you off-not.” vtheatretech
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You can make an appointment with the school and discuss the living options based on your needs/wants. But you’d be a fool to pass up a full scholarship like that.
You’re an adult and it’s time to make adult decisions.” queenoreo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Except maybe your family. It sounds super controlling for them to act like that over potentially living on campus.
But you have a right to want to live off-campus just as much as the school has a right to make the rules they want to make.” PumpkinOfGlory
Putting religion over your kid's future and education? GTFO of here.
And news flash, hook ups can happen OFF campus too, so their reasoning is beyond absurd.
OP isn't a jerk, and neither is MIT for their rules.
The parents are the only jerks here for putting OP in a ridiculous, unfair situation.
11. AITJ For Wanting To Get A More Expensive Car?
“I (19f) am going to college in the fall, and my school is about 20 minutes from my house.
My grandma has been saving up some coins for a car for herself but she and my mom have been sharing a car to go to work (saves coins on gas, insurance, etc) so she decided to give the moolah to me.
I recently got a job and I’m very excited. Well, obviously cars aren’t cheap. I’m not looking for the best car ever but I want one that will last me a decent amount of time.
Anyway, since I have a job, I asked her if I could use the 5 grand for a down payment and then pay monthly payments so I can buy a little more expensive car.
Anyway, I sent the text and she read it and didn’t reply. I then get a text from my mom saying that she was very disappointed in me for asking that question.
Little background info on me: I love my family so much and I am so thankful for everything they do for me. The fact that I am getting anything at all is amazing and I have told them that many times.
I just was asking to pay monthly payments just so I could get a little bit of a better car so I wouldn’t have issues with it. I wasn’t trying to sound ungrateful or anything like that.
I love my family and wasn’t trying to hurt her. AITJ?
Edit: When I say I’m trying to be a more expensive car I’m talking about a 7,000 max car. I’m not trying to buy something super new I just want it to last a long time.
My sister and I had a car that was bought for about 4,500 and it didn’t last long because it was a piece of trash. I know nothing about cars.
Edit 1: My family (mom, grandma, dad) are paying for my sister’s car right now which cost about 7,000 which was why I was even thinking about that.
Edit #2: My grandma and I talked about it and she’s not mad at me. She said that we’re good even though I still feel bad. She knows that I appreciate what she’s giving me and it was never my intention to sound like it wasn’t good enough.
I told her that right away.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m confused. First of all, 5000$ can get you an incredibly reliable and relatively new car that will last for a long time.
You don’t need a more expensive car whose value will just depreciate quickly for nothing. Second, if she’s giving you 5K to buy a car and you really want to buy something more expensive, just do it and you didn’t even have to ask because you’d be using the for what it was purposed for unless she wants to buy the car directly.
Just take the moolah and get a car, because honestly, I can see how you are pretty ungrateful from their perspective. You could always sell it later on and get a ‘better’ one if you save up your own coins.” lck12
Another User Comments:
“I think the intent of the gift, especially since they themselves seem pretty frugal (sacrificing their own car fund, and opting to share a car and gift it to you instead) was to give you the gift of a whole car, one with no car payments.
Which I can understand, being relatively frugal myself, as a 5k downpayment on most new cars would basically evaporate the moment you drive the car off the lot (new cars can literally depreciate that much just from buying them).
So this is a tough one. You don’t literally have to live your life with the same ethos as them, it’s ok if you look at differently. But they aren’t obligated to just gift you a 5k blank check if they don’t like how you’ll use the moolah, either.
So I’m going to go with YWBTJ if you take the moolah now, knowing it’s not what they want, and still use it as a downpayment anyway. It wouldn’t make you pure evil or something, I’m just saying it could sour the gift and sour the relationship, and 5k isn’t worth that.
I would go back and tell them you didn’t mean to offend them, you’re bowled over by their generosity. You’re just worried about getting a reliable car at that price point.
But you’ve been doing some reading and now realize it may be possible, and would they consider helping you find one?” PARA9535307
Another User Comments:
“Urggggh this is tough. On one hand, you’d be using the $5,000 for a car, so functionally, it’s the same thing as buying a car for $5,000 so long as you make the payments from your own funds.
On the other hand, as a college student, your mother is 100% correct in her sentiment that you should not be taking an auto loan as a college student.
I’m gonna go with ‘no jerks here’ because I don’t think anyone is being a jerk.
However, you really, really shouldn’t be taking on more debt as a university student. I bought my car for $3,500 and it lasted me well over 5 years with minimal issues. I’d really encourage you to explore the many reliable used vehicles out there you can get for less than $5,000.” Porg-cuddles
10. AITJ For Suggesting To Someone They Shouldn't Get A Certain Breed Of Dog?
“I own a Shiba Inu, if you know anything about the breed they are not like most dogs in a lot of aspects, I have owned several of them one who I got a little older who had some very bad aggression issues but after years of training and love became one of the best dogs I have ever owned. Also, I have worked in humane societies and have a certificate through the AKC to train dogs (not saying a am the dog whisperer or some crap).
This lady walks up to me and asks what kind of dog I have I tell her a Shiba Inu and she responds by telling me that is the type of dog she and her husband have been looking into getting and if could tell her anything about the breed?
I explained the good and bad aspects of the dog for a min or two and asked if she had ever owned dogs before which she replied no and I said I usually wouldn’t suggest someone getting this breed as a first-time dog owner which at that point she became noticeably upset and snapped back with telling me that I am extremely rude for telling her she shouldn’t get a certain kind of dog when she doesn’t even know her and walked off.
When I left I wondered if I was being too harsh or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
She asked you for information and you gave it to her. You weren’t cruel, just honest.
Not every dog is right for every person. I love border collies but my schedule absolutely doesn’t allow me to devote the hardcore time and attention that border collies desperately need to be healthy happy well-balanced dogs.
Not only that, but some dogs just aren’t beginner dogs, period. Shibas definitely fall into this category. It’s an unfortunate fact that a lot of dogs that aren’t suited to first-time dog owners are so attractive that people ignore advice and take the plunge (I have a friend with two out-of-control Weimaraners who is a case in point here.)
Owning a dog from a challenging breed as a first-time owner is like strapping on skis or a snowboard for the first time and going directly to the double black diamond slopes. It’s dangerous for the owners, for the dog, and everyone else.
It’s also how a lot of these breeds that ‘aren’t for everyone’ end up in rescues and shelters.
I feel bad for the dog these people will get.” rabidturbofox
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not everyone needs every dog, and not everyone needs a dog at all. I feel more and more, that dog ownership is being used as an accessory and a virtue signal. I know so many people who cram multiple large, high-energy dogs into their tiny apartments while they work or game all day, then go ‘why do my dogs have anxiety?
Why does my dog destroy everything and wail nonstop when I leave?’ Or they fancy themselves ‘rescue parents,’ but don’t want to put in the work to keeping a traumatized animal safe and trained, then go ‘oh sure, Fluffy bit 3 neighborhood kids and keeps mauling the neighbor’s cats because I let him run around off-leash, but he’s actually a good dog because I WUV him and he never bites ME!’ Or they want a dog for aesthetics (big dog people are the worst. Hands down) and to prove that they’re better than ‘purse dog people’ so they get a Husky or a German Shepard or a Rottweiler (or even a wolf hybrid) then want to live in apartments or small townhouses with postage stamp-sized yards.
I don’t know much about shibes, but all dogs have needs and challenges. Get a dog that matches your lifestyle and abilities!” TerribleAttitude
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked for you to give info about the breed and you did.
I was absolutely like this lady (not the getting mad part) before I moved in with my sister and her dogs. I wanted a pup based on looks with no thought to energy levels or anything else.
Luckily, sis is a vet and has two mini Aussies specifically bred to be the laziest couch potatoes ever. They’re great for when you have time to play, but also content to sleep all day.
Both the dogs and sis let me know all the things to consider with dogs and made me realize I’m better off with cats or couch potato dogs.” TheLastSnowdrop
9. WIBTJ If I Name My Twin Daughters After Fictional Twins?
“My family says that I am an idiot for wanting to name my daughters after a pair of fictional twins, but it’s hard coming up with twin names that aren’t rhyming, matchy-matchy, or just plain cringeworthy.
To begin, I’m six months pregnant with twin girls. I, of course, am thrilled about welcoming my little dynamic duo into the world since they will be the first set of twins on either side of the family.
My husband and I are both literary and history fanatics. My favorite century is the 18th century, and I’ve been in love with the name ‘Georgiana’ since I watched ‘The Duchess’ starring Keira Knightley back in college.
We’re also huge Harry Potter fans.
My husband and I want to name our daughters Frederica and Georgiana as a nod to our shared passions.
Our families think we are idiots for doing this for a few reasons.
One of which is that they think we are acting like a couple of pretentious know-it-alls for giving our daughters names that were more popular in the 18th century than the 22nd, and are more prevalent in Europe than the USA, where we’re from.
The other is that kids at school are going to pick on them for it once they realize that their names are similar to Fred and George Weasley (we know this could be an issue, and we already have a few game plans on how to address it).
Lastly, they think the names are too old-fashioned and that our girls should have more modern names that would be easier to spell once they start school.
I would agree with that point, but I also live in an area where a lot of new moms name their kids the typical cringy white kid names (think anything that ends with -en, -Lynn, or -Leigh).
And honestly, my husband and I love these names. It’s hard coming up with names for a new baby, doubly so when it’s for twins.
So far, we are sticking with Frederica and Georgiana but both sides of the family think that we are going to ruin our daughter’s lives if we name them such.
So, AITJ for naming my daughters Frederica and Georgiana?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, and I love both of those names. ‘Old-fashioned’ names are definitely coming back into style. I guess it depends on the person, but I’d love to be a girl named Frederica–isn’t one of the main Buzzfeed contributors named Freddie?
Also, my college roommate had a traditionally masculine name, and all worked out well for her.
As someone with an absolutely normal, quite common girly-girl name, my mean nicknames in high school were quite rude (genital-related).
Kids will find something about whatever they’re named to tease them about if they’re so inclined, and I don’t think ‘Fred and George’ is that bad at all.
Still, I’d go with more common middle names in case they want to go by something more ‘normal’.” laurpr2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There are worst and more cringey names, but you are setting them up for bullying anyway.
For the record, I LOVE the name Frederica and yet I wouldn’t name my daughter that way, I don’t want her to be bullied all the time.
On that note, I also have a normal name with normal easy spelling, but it’s old. I was subject to bullying, and I hate the name and I grew up wanting to change it.
But oh, my dad loves it, and whatever trashy story about how I got it doesn’t make it better.
At the end of the day, they are your daughters and you can name them how you like but pleeeease think about it very carefully.
Not just because you like the names, but because they are real people who will have to endure the world with said name. A world with cruel and ignorant people who won’t care about their intellectual background of it when it’s time to bully them or reject them from job applications.
(Finally, I’m not even a fan of HP, and the first thing I thought when I read the names and the fact that they are twins was the Weasley twins. Do you think other people won’t make the connection?
Some will think is cool, and some will bully them. The fact that you are already thinking of a plan to deal with that is proof enough that you know it’s not a good idea but you want to go ahead anyway.)” Maitasun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the names mean something to you then I don’t see the problem with it. Those names aren’t even that hard to spell or pronounce anyway. Plus, there are over seven billion people on the planet and the population is still growing but the number of unique but decent names isn’t growing as fast as the population so those names can at least give them some identity.
If it makes you feel better, I’m only half Japanese but I named my daughter Koharu with the kanji and everything. I fully understand that it’s ‘difficult to pronounce’ but I’m prepared to teach her how to deal with that.
So as long as you’re prepared for the consequences that may come with the names, I don’t see a problem.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your family sucks for trying to tell you what you can and can’t name your children, but you suck for picking out names that you KNOW very well may result in bullying.
It’s great that you love the 18th century, but very few people share that passion, and instead of finding those names endearing or timeless, they will just find it weird. It’s your choice, but I’m going, to be honest, if my parents named me Frederica and I got teased for it, I would probably resent them for it and eventually change my name.
However, you would be less of a jerk/possibly NTJ if you would let them choose different nicknames if they did end up disliking their name. For example, Frederica could just go by Erica.
If you were intent on them keeping their original names/going by their full names even if they didn’t want to, then you would be a huge jerk.” cgredditt
imsical ideas
8. AITJ For Accidentally Making My Brother Lose A Leg?
“So at the time I (22F) was pregnant, 19 weeks, and my parents invited me and my fiance to live with them, they have a big house, nothing luxurious but a big house.
We accepted because as first-time parents we probably would want some help and some advice from someone who has had 3 children already, and also my father (55M) used to be a doctor before retiring.
One night, my parents received an invitation to go to a social party at one of their friend’s housez, this friend lives in Africa and he comes to our country every once in a while.
This Friday he decided to invite my parents to a social meeting, and with another friend, so I was at my parents’ home, with my fiancee and my younger brother (17M).
We all went to bed and I woke in the middle of the night with terrible cravings from one specific type of pizza place at almost 2:00 am.
I woke up my brother and asked him to go get it for me, this specific pizzeria is open 24/7 but they don’t deliver. He didn’t want to go because he didn’t like driving but I ended up convincing him, I didn’t want to sent my SO because if I needed anything else, he could get it for me.
My brother went to the pizzeria but didn’t come back, I tried calling him but he left his phone at home, after that I called my parents and told them my brother went to the pizzeria and didn’t come back, my parents come back home worried sick, asking what happened. At about 6:30 AM we received a call from my uncle saying that my brother was involved in a car accident and we needed to come to the hospital.
Getting there we were told that my brother was stopped at the traffic light returning from the pizzeria, apparently, some intoxicated driver was having a race with a friend and ended up crashing into the car my brother was in.
Apparently, because of the injuries, the doctors had to amputate my brother’s leg. My brother wasn’t awake, so my father passed most of the time trying to speak with the doctors but my mother asked me what was I thinking when I decided to send my underage brother so late at night to get food instead of calling and asking them.
I felt attacked by what she said and I responded by saying that it wasn’t my fault that there was an intoxicated driver and I couldn’t have thought that my brother would take the main avenue back home (usually my brother uses another way to our house but as it was the night, so he used the avenue).
My mother told me that my fiancee and I needed to get our things and go back to our house because we weren’t being sensitive to my brother’s situation. Since then my mother and are giving me the cold shoulder and almost don’t look me in the eyes…AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You or your SO could have gotten the pizza yourself. You shouldn’t have sent your underage brother out at 2 am, ESPECIALLY with how much he told you he didn’t want to.
You woke him up from his sleep and FORCED him to go get you pizza? And now he lost a leg and you’re not even sympathetic?? His life is changed forever and he now has a permanent disability.
He’ll have to relearn how to walk and run and he may never do that normally again. All because you wanted pizza. You absolutely should feel guilty and should be more kind and empathetic.
How would you feel if he FORCED you to go out for him and you lost your leg and he didn’t even apologize? It’s disgusting that you’re blaming him saying he should have taken the main road.
It’s not his fault it happened. If he was home and asleep in bed, he’d still have his leg.” HeadHyena
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That’s your SO’s job. The fact that you decided to send him when you’re not his responsibility but simply because he was younger and more convenient to ask than you is flabbergasting to me.
You are selfish. A 17-year-old kid has less experience on the road and not only that he was tired – it was 2 AM – he probably wasn’t able to react as well as someone with more experience because he was too tired. Even if you had sent your SO – you are still incredibly selfish.
Who sends someone out on an errand at 2 AM?
As a pregnant woman who has a craving every day, I cannot fathom how other pregnant women think this is OK. I may be pregnant but I’m not the Queen of England.
No one should ever be subjected to such an unreasonable request in the middle of the night. I am not gonna die because I don’t have my midnight snack. You put your brother in harm’s way and ignored his concerns about driving at that hour.
You should be ashamed and I hope you carry the guilt for the rest of your life.” shibattitude
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, mostly for your complete lack of empathy! If I were in your situation, I would have apologized left, right and center.
And would have just been bawling and I wouldn’t have left my brother’s side. But, you don’t seem affected. You seem unbothered and only now reflecting because your mom is kicking you out and is giving you the cold shower.
Your mom has to deal with a child that is a victim of an intoxicated driver while her child that sent him seems emotionless.
Should you have sent your brother? Big nope! But, like you said, there is no way you could have known what would have happened. The part I can’t wrap my head around also, who sends a rookie driver on a night errand?!
Logic 101 would dictate that it’s a no-go. They are usually anxious drivers as is but the night factor freaks new drivers more. All this while having your fiance beside you.
You were 19 weeks pregnant.
Idk how hard your pregnancy is but you could have most likely functioned on your own. It’s not like you were about to pop and you needed as much help as possible to move around.
Own up to your fault and go be there for your brother. Don’t make this about yourself like you have throughout this whooooole post!” justanothervoyageur
7. AITJ For Getting A Job Behind My Parents' Back?
“So about 4 months ago I expressed my desire to my parents to get a job.
I’m 16 and have a driver’s PERMIT (not license, this will be important later) in the state of California. As some of you may know, a permit means I can’t drive unless there is another adult in the car with me.
My parents weren’t having any of it and told me that I should focus on my studies and implored me not to get a job. I told them it was important to me to start working and they gave me the cold shoulder for about a week.
A month later I put in some applications and got accepted at your average starting-out retail place. My dad was proud but my mother was not so much.
I asked my father if he’d be able to accompany me to work 3 times a week (as I needed a legal adult to drive with me) and he said no, that we had bikes and I could bike to work if I wanted to get there.
I had no problem biking to work, except my work is 45 minutes away by bike. I told my parents this and they told me it wasn’t their problem. So I left 55 minutes early every day to bike to work and have a 10-minute period to change into my work clothes so that I wasn’t all sweaty for work.
One day my bike broke down on the way to work and I called my parents telling them where I was and asking if they could pick me up. My father agreed but got a work call in the middle of our phone call and said he had to take it.
He called me back shortly after saying he had a work emergency and couldn’t drive me to work. No big deal, I’d just ask my mom.
I called up my mom and asked her to drive me to work telling her the situation, and she said ‘I never wanted you to get a job anyway, not my problem,’ and promptly hung up on me.
When I got to work an hour late, my manager pulled me into his office and said that it was a busy day and I showed up all sweaty and smelly and an hour late.
I was chewed out and fired (this was my 3rd tardy, the contract stated that upon the 3rd tardy I would be fired). I was then promptly sent home and walked the full 2 hours back to my house.
When I got home my mother, while watching some show, asked me why I was home early and I then told her I was fired. She then told me that if I couldn’t hold down a job, then how could I be expected to handle the responsibility that comes with driving (I had expressed my desire to get a full license earlier that day).
I exploded on her telling her that I was late because no one could drive me and my bike broke down and that if she had taken a 20-minute break from sitting around watching TV that she could’ve picked me up and driven me to work.
I was grounded. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would not drive my kids to a job 3x a week, but when your bike broke down, she should have stepped up.
It takes a lot of work ethic and independence to find a job and be willing to bike 45 minutes each way to do that.
I’m not sure why your parents don’t like that… Try to only apply to jobs that are within reasonable walking distance maybe, just to save you time and grief.” Jenh66
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You shouldn’t have taken a job that you couldn’t get to easily. Your parents are not going to be a passenger in your car multiple times a week to get you to work.
It’s not their responsibility to be your transportation.
Your boss is also right that it’s gross to show up to work smelly and sweaty.
However, when your bike broke down they should’ve been more helpful.” newaxcounr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly, this is something you probably should have considered before getting a job, especially one so far away. It’s great that you took initiative and want to earn, but until you are able to commute with your own reliable form of transportation, you might want to wait.
It sounds like being tardy to shifts and showing up sweaty and unkempt was a common thing and was clearly against your work contract.” innocentbi-stander
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your parents aren’t very supportive.
They have reasons to keep you from working but are not explaining the reasons well.
You got a job far from home with no way of being certain of getting there on time.
Your parents aren’t your chauffeurs anymore. Your boss isn’t unreasonable to expect employees to show up on time.” Tuxmando
Now I have a license, (through purchased lessons/car rental with an instructor,) and my own car.
This person's parents, however, are definitely jerks, hands down. With all the lazy, entitled young people around nowadays, someone who wants to go out and work should be encouraged, as well as the consideration of starting to build a resume, which being fired, for whatever reason, won't help. I feel for him, though, as I've also lost a few jobs because my parents fussed and complained about rides, AND refused to help me get my license.
6. AITJ For Not Allowing My 12-Year-Old Daughter Get Her Nails Done?
“My 12-year-old daughter wants to get her nails done.
She claims that girls at her school all have their nails done (they actually do, which I find quite distasteful and off-putting to see on a young child) and that they bully her because she is the least ‘mature’ out of everyone.
I feel like thatʼs a good thing as she shouldnʼt be rushed into growing up, she is still very young and longer nails are associated with older teenagers and women.
I think that she might be lying about the bullying to get what she wants.
I donʼt believe a bunch of middle schoolers would actually care about what somebodyʼs nails look like. I explained to her that even if they do say things to her, she should ignore them because opinions from a bunch of insecure girls arenʼt worth her time.
The reason Iʼm not allowing her to get her nails done is because I feel like it would make her look silly, and make me look silly as a parent for allowing it.
Sheʼd looks like a midget, with long nails and the height of a 12-year-old. Also, it may portray the wrong image of her because some might think that if she dresses like an adult, she behaves like an adult, too, if you know what I mean.
I donʼt think sheʼs mature enough for this and it would be quite uncomfortable if someone were to see her with nails like that out in public. I personally wouldnʼt enjoy walking next to my daughter if she behaved like someone way older.
The reason I am posting this here is because my daughter feels as if this is unfair and that I am ‘stunting’ her growth. I feel like this isnʼt true, as she only has a few years to be a child and will get to be an adult the rest of her life anyway.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: It sounds like you’re the one with the issue of her growing up, respectfully. I don’t agree with a 12-year-old getting acrylic nails, but I can empathize with it.
It could definitely be fun to use the experience to get mom/daughter shellac and pedicures once a month at least. You could use that time to invest in talking with her about what’s going on in her life, because going forward if you don’t make an effort to have her feel comfortable with these inevitable milestones of puberty, she could have a secretly difficult time with being a misunderstood teen going forward.
She’s clearly looking for peer acceptance, totally normal. So making her feel guilty about this will isolate her from her family as a support system as well. Then what? What will she do in the future without your knowledge to gain the acceptance of her peers, boys, etc?
It’s never about the action, it’s about the opportunity to grow together and learn a lesson. She is helping YOU to be an excellent mother by providing these challenges to you, and you in turn should provide her guidance that leads to a successful outcome.
She isn’t an adult now, but you are raising a soon-to-be adult. Do you want to raise an insecure adult, or a confident adult who knows that her parents will love and support her always, even if you can’t always agree?
Plus, this could be a financial lesson. If she’s willing to work for the earnings, she can spend it responsibly. Use this as an opportunity in at least some way, come on.
Also, the ‘midget’ comment was disrespectful.
Check your emotional involvement in this situation.” spiritsock
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Definitely look into the bullying and involve the school if necessary. Growing up is a strange transition time for your daughter, but it will be a lot for you as well.
Her tastes and interests will change a lot.
My biggest thing with the whole nail thing is getting your nails done is expensive, and unless your daughter has an allowance or some disposable income, you would be paying.
If it were a special event I would understand, but a 12-year-old does not need to get professional manicures. And unless she would be getting a gel manicure the polish would chip quickly.
I would say take your daughter to the store and let her pick out some colors and paint her nails at home. That way it will be fun, cheaper, maybe you two can bond over that and it’s a great form of self-care (IMO).” Lurkernomeow
Another User Comments:
“YTJ-
Your reasoning for not getting her nails done seems to be mostly about you – how it would make you look as a parent and how it would make you feel.
Getting her nails done professionally is really expensive and extravagant if it’s not for a gift. I also think there is value in not conforming just because other people disapprove. You should do things because you want to, not just because you want someone else’s approval.
However, those don’t seem to be the big issues for you. Like I said above, it seems to be more that you don’t like the look and think you’ll look like a bad parent.
I’m not saying you should paint her nails, but I do think you should think more about her and less about you when you make your decision.” User
Another User Comments:
“She’d be a teen next year.
Would it be acceptable then?
Schools are over, so it hardly matters what those girls think. But kids can be mean and there is a very real chance at least one person has made comments about her nails.
Maybe a compromise can be that you paint her nails at home. The whole gel-filled acrylic nails may be a bit much. But what’s wrong with letting her pick a color and painting them yourself if it makes her feel better?
She’s 12. She’s trying to discover who she is. Surely you remember what it was like to be young and confused. She’s not a jerk for wanting nice nails. You’re not a jerk for thinking the whole manicure deal is too much.
No jerks here.” IridianRaingem
5. WIBTJ If I Asked My Wife To Send Her Kids Back To Their Dad?
“I have two stepdaughters who are 17 and 19, and I’ve been with my wife for eight years. When she divorced her ex he got primary custody for a couple of reasons, it was what the kids want, she worked a lot, and she had a little bit of a drinking problem.
She saw them every other weekend and I think she’s a great mom, but apparently, I’m biased. Now I don’t think it’s entirely their fault, but these girls are spoiled, entitled, and make it pretty clear they only see their mom because of money.
For context, she has a very lucrative career but her ex refused to work and they feel like she abandoned them for her career.
So they came to stay with us about a month ago when they got sick of being alone.
We live in a much nicer house than her ex and have a pool and a gym. I completely believe they are here because of the house and not because of their mom.
I don’t mind. I was a teenager once too, but they are so rude to her. The 19-year-old took one woman’s studies class at college and now she’s a third-wave feminist and the 17-year-old is constantly asking for a monetary allowance.
I work hard as well to pay for our lifestyle, and I’m sick of not being able to relax in my house. I finish working from home and I want to go hug and kiss my wife, but the kids have to make a face.
I want to be able to banter like we normally do without the 19-year-old policing if it’s politically correct or not. My wife was never a heavy drinker. She drank because she was in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage, and she can drink responsibly with no problem, but God forbid she has a glass of wine in front of these kids.
Mostly I just want our marriage to be easy like it was a month ago. My wife is always getting into fights with her kids and then I have to comfort her. Last night, she ended up in a huge fight with the 19-year-old over dinner.
My wife didn’t want to cook but there was plenty of food in the house and she gave them permission to order something, but it turned into a screaming match over how she would have cooked if I asked. Maybe she would have, but I’m actually nice to her throughout the day.
So last night I got to listen to my wife’s little tantrum. She normally dresses sensually for bed, but she fell asleep in my shirt with makeup all over her face, and it was a little ridiculous so I took a picture.
I was teasing her this morning about it, and the 19-year-old has to get involved about how her mom doesn’t have to look good for me. I’m really at my breaking point and they have a father, who they supposedly love.
So WIBTJ if I asked my wife to ask them to leave?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The picture taking while she was at one of her lowest moments was a real poopy move.
What grown-up does that when someone’s upset?
You’ve been lucky that the kids only interfered with your life at the weekends before. You got off real lightly for years. Time to step up.
If the girls don’t have rules and boundaries at their normal residence, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have them at yours. However, they’re not your kids, so ‘house rules’ will need to be clear and presented by your wife or the both of you.
How they speak to their mother, what they should expect from the two of you (with regards to food prep, allowance, lifts, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.), your expectations of them (chores, respect, curfews, relationships, what happens if you’re out of town) how they should deal with your perceived lack of PC in your own home, and what consequences they should expect if they fall short of the mark.
If you layout your rules and the consequences, you’ll at least say that you tried if/when it all blows up.” jenzo2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The kids do sound like really difficult teenagers, however, they are her kids.
And I’m assuming, regardless of their motivation for staying with you, that your wife really wants to make a deeper connection with her daughters.
Instead of asking her to make them leave (which I do think would be a really selfish thing to do) talk to your wife when you guys are alone, explain what’s bothering you, and try to come up with a plan that deals with inappropriate behavior together.
(For example, you could ask your wife to discourage the policing her elder daughter does when you guys are just joking together – something like – “He knows I don’t have to look, good honey, we’re just joking!” and you could discuss an allowance for them so that they can develop good spending habits instead of constantly asking for more coins).
The daughters thinking that their mom puts everything and everyone before them may not be rooted in reason, but it should be addressed either way since it will be hard for them to develop a good relationship if they have that feeling in the back of their minds.” zhazhja
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – The things you’re upset about are trivial. Teenagers will make a face when their parents kiss. That’s normal and totally easy to ignore. Teenagers will want to hang out in a bigger, more fun house if they are forced to stay inside for months.
Again, completely normal. Asking for an allowance is annoying, but just say no and maybe pull the kid aside for a talk about money. Every kid gets a talk like that at some point.
And is expected to be politically correct is a really small expectation.
Now the fighting, that’s annoying. But again, teen stuff. There should definitely be a talk and some consequences if there are attitude and/or escalation issues.
If these things are upsetting you so much that you find it difficult to relax in your own home, you should probably evaluate why you are feeling that way instead of blaming the people around you for your misfortune.
Asking the kids to leave would really be an inappropriate reaction.” sebby3
4. WIBTJ If I Took Back My Offer Of Donating Eggs To A Friend?
“4 years ago I had cancer and I was recommended to harvest some eggs before starting treatment. I did, and even at the time, I wasn’t sure why I was doing it. I had 2 kids and my husband and I were definitely done, but I panicked at the thought of the door being shut without having a say.
I’m now in remission and my eggs remain in a freezer. My friend is aware of this and she has been told there’s an issue with her fertility and she’ll need to explore her options.
She reached out to me asking if I’d consider giving her my eggs. We have been friends for 13 years.
My husband and I spent a long time thinking this through and I decided that I couldn’t have contact with her if she used my eggs.
I told her last week that she could use my eggs but that I couldn’t be around her and ‘my’ child, so there would be no further contact between us.
Last night I got a text saying that she and her partner had considered this and decided to go ahead and use my eggs.
I didn’t expect it but this made me so angry, that she would throw away our friendship. I don’t know much about egg donors but I’m guessing they’re expensive so that’s why she’s asked me and is willing to never speak again?
I thought about this. I don’t actually want to give her my eggs anymore. I feel I’d be a jerk because I’m not using them and they’d be wasted – but I don’t want her having them anymore.
It’s tainted.
WIBTJ if I told her she can’t have them?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are a horrible friend and you are the one who threw away the friendship. Your eggs, so, of course, it’s up to you if you want to give them to her or anybody or not.
But you clearly didn’t want her to have them, then why did you offer and give her hope?
Also, the way you offered, you gave her an ultimatum of choosing to either be a mother or your friend?!
You said you have 2 kids. As a mother, you should be horrified with yourself for giving a woman who obviously wants to have a child, be a mother, such a disgusting ultimatum. All because she had the ‘audacity’ to ask your help, your eggs that you had no intention to use.
If you didn’t like her asking, should’ve just told her so, instead of being a massive jerk.” Nefertiti_2020
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Here’s the thing, you have every right to yes or no to someone using your eggs.
However, you went about it a bit wrong. It’s one thing to not donate because of a change of heart on being uncomfortable with that idea which is totally fine but to make it seem like ‘it’s our friendship or my eggs’ is unfair.
For something this important, you have to be 100% honest with them and let them know I really need time to think about this. If she gets mad that you said no because you are uncomfortable, she was never truly your friend, to begin with.” SylleblossomFae
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s unclear why you were willing to give them but with the request that you two never speak again. Eggs are generally very difficult to obtain and expensive when you can purchase them.
If your friend’s relationship is sterile andthey really want a child, I don’t blame them for accepting your offer even if it means cutting you out of their life per your request. Many people who want kids who are sterile go to great lengths to still have the family they want so they probably think it’s worth it losing a friend but gaining a child especially if they have few other options or they can’t afford other options.
You brought this on yourself. Going back on this offer because you don’t like that they’re willing to go no contact pet your request seems really irrational. Have you thought of talking this through with a therapist just so you can figure out why you feel the way you do?” monster_peanut
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, this is a really tricky situation. I can completely understand you not wanting to see a child that was made from you but wasn’t yours and how heartbreaking that could be also you made that offer, you gave her the ultimatum, and you knew it could go either way.
She chose to have a child rather than your friendship, however, put yourself in her shoes, imagine not being able to have a child, and the lengths you’d be willing to go to be able to have one, what sacrifices would you make?” stardustnotrocks
I understand it's her eggs and she can to what she wants with them, but again, she shouldn't have offered if she had no intention of letting her ex friend have them.
Because, as someone else said, OP is.giving someone who wants kids and is having trouble a false glimmer of hope.
She is behaving irrationally and it is on her for losing this friendship.
3. AITJ For Meddling With And Ruining My Cousin's Marriage With My Ex?
“I (34F) am a high school teacher. I have a cousin (27F) who I’ll call Melissa. She got married last year to her partner of four years, who I’ll call David (33M).
David is a surgeon who is almost done with his residency. I should also let our background be known. David and I met and dated for a while at university. The relationship only lasted two years and while it got pretty serious, he broke up with me before going into medical school.
I admit I was hung up over this for a while, but it was also when I was starting my first job as a teacher and I was really stressed.
I confided a lot in her then and it probably looked like I was extremely heartbroken.
When the two of them met and David asked her out six years ago, she didn’t know he was that ex. However, I was completely on board with it and told her this.
Over the past few years, I have continued to notice her odd behavior. She is a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) now as they had their first daughter last year, and I noticed that she seemed to be talking to me a lot about the Vitamin K they give newborn babies.
I wasn’t sure but I encouraged her to take it if the doctor said so. It’s hard to describe this progression in words but she has definitely been more of a conspiracy girl her whole life, and over the past few years it intensified.
I seem like a hippie so I assume that’s why she was open with me about it. Their daughter has had some shots I believe because she always seems to talk to me about it and her doubts about it.
This is where I may have messed up. I played along with her and acted like I didn’t know anything about what she was talking about. I was hoping she would text me something because I honestly was going to bring this information to her husband.
She went on and started to ‘educate’ me on her research…
I did get some texts saved over a few weeks in May. I compiled these and sent them to David. He initially didn’t believe it but after proving they were real, he thanked me.
I asked about the baby and David assured me she was healthy and that he would take care of her. Melissa hasn’t said anything either, just a ‘thanks, jerk’ text.
Her parents are blaming me as well because he is almost done with his training and about to find a job as a real doctor.
He is an orthopedic surgeon, and according to Payscale would make 350-450k a year in our area. This is how they were financing Melissa being a SAHM and the baby, and now if they divorce, she would have stuck with him all his training years just to get thrown out before getting anything back for it.
From what I can tell as neither of them is talking to me, they’re not divorcing but attempts to work through this have gone pretty bad.
David did reach out to me later to thank me and say that he would be making sure his daughter’s health was taken care of.
I know it looks bad because I went out of my way to catch her, and I am currently single while he is my ex. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The father is a doctor and clearly wanted his daughter immunized. Sharing health information about his young daughter is appropriate.
If his wife was lying (even by omission) about his daughter’s health then he deserves to know.” judge1492
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your motive for doing this was suspect. You enabled her “alternative” diatribe continually, basically entrapment to get evidence to her husband.
Did you ever try to steer her away from the direction she was in? Did you ever try to bring it up with the husband directly? It seems like you want him for yourself and is trying to split them up.” QuietOutlandishness2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Honey trapping her or whatever is a really bizarre move, and I’m not exactly sure what the full fear here was, and also it’s pretty creepy that they’re looking at the possible dissolution of this marriage in terms of earning potential. (And seem to not know that alimony and child support exist?
I don’t think you get out of alimony because your ex-wife had bad opinions about a research topic.)
Was there ever a point you considered saying, ‘You’re married to a doctor, who’s also this baby’s father, talk to him about this?'” illegalrooftopbar
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one. I want to say YTJ for meddling by contacting him but, given his MD and your history with him you felt he needed to know what was going on in his wife’s head.
I’m positive this is something she was not sharing with her husband either so I feel like you did him a favor. He didn’t believe you, probably thought you were the gold digger trying to break up his marriage until you provide the evidence.
The shoes are on the other foot for her now, she’s been exposed and has dealt with the fallout. You’re NTJ for that even if she is family.” Trin_42
2. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Wife For Poisoning My Good Time?
“We’ve been married for 16 years, and recently welcomed our second child into the world in May. Our oldest is three.
I’m working remotely at home, after taking a month of leave after the baby came.
She’s halfway through her maternity leave. Our oldest is back in daycare for the first week since quarantine started, as our state has actually managed the situation pretty well.
I’ve been trying to get her to do more self-care and get out of the house – which is admittedly difficult, she doesn’t feel safe doing any of the things she used to (spa, massage, etc), totally fair.
She’s also been… slow to pump any milk for me to help with feeding the baby, which I’m sympathetic to as it just puts more pressure on her, but seriously constrains how long I can take the baby out of the house or that she can be away.
I found out one of our favorite actors is hosting a showing at a local(ish) drive-thru this Saturday, and asked if she’d like to go and have me watch the kids.
No no, wouldn’t be comfortable being away, etc.
Okay then, we’ll I’d like to go then, and since then she’s been seething with resentment that I get to just go off and do whatever I want while she’s stuck with the kids.
Or that because it’ll run late and I’ll be a total jerk the next day from fatigue (which is, unfortunately, a fair point, I can be pretty impatient when sleep-deprived). Or I’m going to contract the sickness and harm us all sitting in my car with my friend who’s also been isolated (the whole event is built around keeping distance between cars, eliminating contact, etc)
All I wanted was to be able to go to my partner and say ‘hey, this looks like it would be fun’ and have her say ‘Yes it does! Have a good time’.
But since she refuses to ever do anything for herself, or accept any space that I make for her, I guess I can’t ever have fun either.
I cut off the conversation tonight as it was getting late and as I told her, it doesn’t matter anymore since I’m not going to be able to enjoy the event knowing she’s going to just be annoyed at me for going so I don’t want to ‘discuss her concerns’ any longer.
Am I really being the jerk for wanting my wife to roll with the unthinkable burden of watching our kids for a night so I can do something fun, and/or for getting annoyed when it became a ‘thing’?
I just wanted one thing to just NOT become a ‘thing’.
Update: I talked to my wife when I had to wake her up to nurse. Acknowledged that I had needed some time to get over feeling frustrated and gather my thoughts, that I was definitely letting my guard down too soon, and that I’d been focusing too much on giving her ‘space’ when what actually helps us feel better is togetherness.
I told her about my concerns that we were sheltering our kids too much and needed to still have outside fun, but that we could worry about that stuff once there’s a cure.
She seemed to really appreciate it, we both apologized for yelling, and overall it was really nice to connect.”
Another User Comments:
“Woof. Okay. YTJ but I do get that you don’t mean to be.
This is my honest attempt to tell you how this whole argument would have felt to me when I was two months post-partum.
It seems like – and my husband did this too with our first, I think it’s common – your position here is ‘Just relax!
Get back to normal life! You’ll feel better!’ but that felt to me like… asking me to perform stand up in front of 5000 people. Just so incomprehensible. He’d suggest I got my hair done, went for a spa day, went to the gym, and I’d be like… I am exhausted, the house is filthy (actually it wasn’t, but my post-partum self was hyper-aware of any dirt or dust, so like your wife, I’d spend baby-free time cleaning because it was the only way to soothe my anxiety – it’s basically nesting instinct), I am fat, I haven’t had a minute to myself in months, you want me to put on real clothes and go out in public?
Without my baby, that was literally part of my body until recently?
At two months postpartum, she’s not going to be wanting to lift weights, even if it ‘used to make her feel better’.
And she’s not going to want to go out alone, in the evening (usually the fussiest time for a kid). As a breastfeeding mom, her breasts will probably end up engorged, she’ll be worrying about the baby, etc. And you can tell her ‘don’t worry’ but – her entire being is attuned to the survival of this new creature right now.
She can’t believe you, I’m sure she’d like to.
So you’re saying ‘well I’ve tried to suggest that she relax more, and she won’t, and she’s also stopping me from relaxing’ but I bet that from her point of view, it’s more like ‘he keeps suggesting I do X, Y, and Z, all of which are literally unachievable for me right now, and now he also wants to go out without me when I’m already stretched so thin.’
And dude, telling her that it’s easy, and how dare she complain about the ‘unthinkable burden of watching our kids for the night’ is… gasoline on the fire. (As in pushing her to work out, honestly, even if you think you’re being helpful.
She’s two MONTHS post-partum, she doesn’t need to feel pressured to tone up.)
As for what you can do? As with anything, pick a time when you’re both at your best and talk about it.
Ask when she would be comfortable letting you take the baby – mornings felt best to me because I knew the baby was easier and happier then (I was, without any empirical evidence, terrified that if the baby started screaming my husband would get frustrated and yell or shake her, even though he is a lovely, gentle human being.
Because I was frustrated and wanted to shake her sometimes). And then let her do whatever it is that she chooses to spend that time doing, even if you think it’s not the logical thing.
I’d also tell her you’re still going to go out, but address the thing she’s worried about – how will you guarantee to her that you won’t be a sleep-deprived jerk the next day?
You have admitted this is a fair point but then painted her as completely unreasonable anyway. What will you do to make sure that doesn’t happen?” anarmchairexpert
Another User Comments:
“Oh man, this all sucks.
The first three months with a newborn are tough, adapting to two kids is a thing, and the current health situation is really a thing. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. No jerks here, just tired people.
And a baby.
Make a standing date for each of you to get a weekly chunk of alone time. Wednesday night and Sunday night, two afternoons… whatever. When it’s not a surprise it’s easier to psych yourself up for.
Set your slot for a weekend so you can spell her beforehand. She can spend her time in the bathtub or reading a book at the park, but just away.
In a quiet moment ask her to help you brainstorm either a pumping plan or a supplemental bottle plan so you can watch the baby for a full 4-5 hours.
It doesn’t have to be this month, but try to find a goal she can live with. This will all get easier in another four months but that can feel like forever.
Make sure her Ob/Gyn is routinely screening her for postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.
They are thought to affect 25% of moms and they’re highly treatable. Nothing you’ve described sounds unusual but don’t overlook something that common.
The current situation is causing an increase in anxiety and depression in the general population- at least according to some large-scale surveys done.
Now’s the time to double down on the support network – What worked with the first baby may not work on the second. Look for online parents support groups. Ask extended family to provide extra support.
If you can afford some backup – cleaners, meal kits, etc… Now’s the time.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Did you actually want this child? Because I’m sort of failing to see how a grown man can throw a tantrum about how his free time being limited because of a newborn he CHOSE to have.
YOU took that on, now you have to accept it. Parenting isn’t all fun and games – you’ve said in the comments you enjoy spending time with your kids, but obviously, you don’t conceive of the total responsibility of having them if you suggested leaving a 2-month-old with a babysitter because you wanted to go to a meetup.
You seem to expect your wife to happily make the sacrifice to stay home with them whilst you go out, which begs the question as to why YOU’RE so unwilling to stay home yourself.
Your wife isn’t being unreasonable – those three reasons you listed, about her not wanting to be left alone, you staying out late and becoming grouchy, and the current GLOBAL CRISIS are all completely valid – and it says a lot about your lack of respect for your own partner that you can so easily disregard them.
Your comments about her safety concerns are particularly egregious – if you lived alone I’d say it’s your prerogative to take that risk, but you don’t. Whatever you catch, you’re bringing home to your family, who have not accepted – and in fact, are denying – to take it.
ALSO, the severity of cases is determined partly by viral overload, so if you get sick and she has to nurse you, then she’s at an even GREATER risk than you are.
Her not wanting you to risk harming her and your children does not make her a resentful nag.
Even without the context of a life-threatening sitation, I’d still argue it is selfish of you to go to something she’d love to do under different circumstances, but can’t because you’ve burdened her with the childcare.
On a separate note, your comment about her being ‘slow to pump milk’ reads as disrespectful. I’d say that’s your wife, not a cow, but actually, I think dairy farmers know that lactation isn’t infinite or instantaneous.
Breastfeeding is incredibly painful and complicated, and alongside you expecting her to happily stay home with the kids, suggests you trivialize her contributions to parenting.
If you think that you’re frustrated, imagine how your wife feels, who is probably suffering unimaginable post-natal hormone fluxes and significant soreness and pain.
You owe your wife an apology, and instead of bemoaning the issue of ‘self-care’, try to be a more respectful and involved partner. You and your wife might not be able to go out at the moment (and once again, I sincerely advise you don’t), but I’m sure she’d be happy to spend time with you.” ratburger13
1. AITJ For Refusing My Pregnant Wife Junk Food?
“It is my wife’s doctor that has said she’s gained way too much. He told her that she should gain between 30-and 40 pounds, but she has already passed that amount and she still has a few months left.
I told her that we needed to cut out junk food and try to eat healthier and I would no longer be buying sweeties and the like when I did the grocery shop.
She thinks I am being too harsh and ‘kind of a jerk,’ but I am only trying to help her follow her doctor’s orders. I know she is tempted by sweeties, so the obvious way to address that problem is by not buying them or keeping them around the house.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think she should take into account what her doctor says and you’re just trying to help her. Though to be honest, I just had a baby four weeks ago and I gained 60 pounds and I’ve already lost 50 since giving birth and I haven’t done anything.
I’m going, to be honest, I also ate a lot of sweets but I also had healthy meals and would walk an hour a day. My doctor wasn’t concerned because I was moving and my GD test was negative.
As long as her b***d pressure is good, she’s being active, drinking water, and is overall healthy, I don’t think her weight gain is a problem. Women just gain differently and she’ll lose it after the baby, but she should try to eat healthy for the baby.” bookmomma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but pregnancy does do weird things to cravings – all my food preferences have changed. Things I normally love I might hate and vice versa and the level of ‘hangry’ I get is intense and I’m only early in my pregnancy.
So while restricting her from that food may be good for her physical health, her mental/emotional health plus your relationship with her may suffer instead.
I’d suggest that you and her find healthier alternatives that will work for her.
I, for example, have a huge craving for sweet/sour things but to keep it healthy, I’ve been baking Sugar-free low-carb lemon mug cakes in the microwave as a quick but healthy fix.
There are keto/low carb versions of almost anything nowadays – so if her craving is different from mine find something that will work for her.” Ice222
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Pregnancy is hard, and weight gain is normal (yes, even 60 pounds for some women).
You are so worried about your own self that you want to make it harder for her? Why does it matter if she wants a few cookies? Why does it matter if she has a little extra baby fat?
Her body is not around for your entertainment. Stop being such a controlling d****e and get your tired, pregnant wife some snacks.” DazedandConfused8406
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