People Ask For Detailed Assessments Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Sister And Her Ex's Mediator Anymore?
“When I was 16 and my sister was 21 she got pregnant by her partner. Things ended up becoming really bad when he had an affair when she was pregnant. My sister was heartbroken and refused to ever speak to him again. She asked me if I would mind being the mediator between the two and passing messages back and forth since she refused to ever speak or look at him again.
I said of course and I did, if she ever had anything to tell him I would message him myself since she was too hurt too.
It was easier when we lived together since if he texted me any questions about the baby I would just holler across the hall to my sister who would tell me what to type.
Sometimes I could call him and put him on speaker and have her just tell me and I’d tell him.
I’m now officially done. I moved out last year for college and having to constantly check my phone to see if either sent me a message I have to relay to the other is so exhausting.
I don’t have time for this. I decided to tell my sister’s ex first and he said okay and he thinks it’s time for my sister to move on and be able to speak to him about their son. After that, I felt more confident in telling my sister.
I told my sister last week when I came home to visit (I only live an hour away) that I no longer want to pass messages along between the two and I think she needs to.
She got extremely upset and almost cried saying that I promised her that I would do this and that I’m fake for backing out now and what changed. I tried explaining to her that it was too much for me and she said I was wrong because I’m a part of her son’s support system and she didn’t know what she was going to do and that I was horrible basically.
I felt so bad but I told her that if she needed to speak to her son’s father she was going to have to speak to him.
After a week of not texting last week she messages me reminding me it’s her son’s birthday this weekend and to tell her son’s dad he needs to bring the cake since she got it specially delivered to a bakery close to where he lives.
I didn’t reply and didn’t think much of it. There’s no way she forgot our conversation just days prior.
I went to my nephew’s birthday this Saturday and as soon as I got there (sadly late because of traffic) my mom came outside and said my sister canceled the party because the cake never came and she ended up getting into her first verbal fight with her son’s father since he didn’t bring the cake and that I needed to leave because she’s blaming me for ruining her son’s birthday and acting irrational inside the house.
I ended up leaving and later my younger brother texted me that my sister has been going on and on about how it’s my fault since I didn’t tell her ex to be ‘petty’ and I’m the jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You did your sister an enormous favor by doing this for her, good on you OP. Now that it has become exhausting, you are within your rights to step away and not owe her anything. Good for you to establish boundaries and if your sister and her ex still can’t communicate, that is a problem that is not your job to fix.” THEgabberdore
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…
AT ALL…
EVERRRRR…
In fact, you’re the ONLY grown adult in that poor kid’s life! Your sister needs to just stop expecting people to handle her business with her baby daddy. She slept with her ex, not you and you did WAYYYYY MORE for her than anyone else would have with the back-and-forth messages and texts.
You were the neutral person and I so commend you for doing that at such a young age.
But you have your own life and both your sister and her ex need to co-parent in a mature order and you have nothing to do with that.
My God, you’re NTJ!” lauraisabelgonzalez
22. AITJ For Not Helping My Brother Anymore?
“I am 33m married with 4 kids. My brother has a partner and 2 kids. He is by far one of the laziest people I have ever met. Refuses to find a job, and when he does he holds it just long enough to make everyone happy then finds a reason to leave or lose it.
Context, growing up he was the favored son. He had everything he ever wanted handed to him. He was the star of the show and he was going to be the greatest success. Whereas I was going to be in jail or dead by 21. I will openly admit that I had problems as a teen and did some stupid things but regardless okay favored son noted.
Jump forward 15 years, I have become the most successful person in the family. I make more money than most of them have seen and have a nice house, new cars, etc all the things you do when you’re told you will never amount to anything.
The golden child can’t stay above water and has constantly borrowed and bribed his way into others paying his rent and bills.
I have always tried to help because we are family, but he’s coming up on 30. At his age, I was buying my first house and had stabilized a career.
Now I didn’t expect all that but a stable JOB or income is expected. Recently he needed help again and the family turned to me, everyone was tapped out and I was asked to front the 1000 dollars to help this time… I did so and a month later still had no job and guess what, the rent’s due again.
Everyone is trying to find a way to help even my parents on SSI.
I however have reached a point of ‘screw it’ and want to see him fail. No one ever paid my rent, if they loaned me money at all it was to be paid back quickly and was never just ‘given’.
I told everyone my bank was closed and it’s not my job. He is upset and the family seems to think I’m too cold to them. I have financially helped every member at least once without expecting to be paid back but I’m the cold one?
But honestly, even if that was the case, wouldn’t I have a right to be since I was supposed to fail anyway?
So AITJ for giving up on the star child?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should get therapy for the baggage your family has given you.
It sounds like time to shuffle off this dynamic and set real boundaries with your family. Remember, their love turned your brother into what he is today. Don’t pursue his failure because that punishes his kids and they’ve done nothing but exist. The people who are at fault here are your parents.” readshannontierney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Sounds like you’ve done more than enough to help him (and other members of your family).
I can understand how extra frustrating it is to be helping someone who doesn’t even want to help himself.
Like you said he’s almost 30, and quite honestly if he was adult enough to get his partner pregnant not just once but twice – he can darn well be adult enough to take responsibility and get a job to support himself, his partner, and 2 kids
If everyone just keeps giving in to him, and helping him whenever he asks for it he’ll never learn.” HeyArtse
21. AITJ For Helping A Friend By Being His Divorce Attorney?
“I have a friend whom I have been friends with for many years and when we first started hanging out he was going out with his now ex-wife.
After getting married 5 years ago their relationship quickly went downhill, I personally think they should never have gotten married myself but oh well. To summarize their relationship it consisted of him constantly being yelled at, belittled, put down, etc. Now the thing is they have a young daughter together from what my friend shared with me and what I personally have witnessed she acted the same towards her daughter, constantly yelling at her and belittling her.
I swear from this woman’s point of view this child could never do anything right.
My friend had come to my office one afternoon and stated that he had enough and wanted out and wanted to discuss how to proceed. I went through my regular speech of trying to reconcile and go through counseling etc. He was not having this.
I advised of how the process typically works in our state and recommended some lawyers who could handle his case. He then advised that he wanted to hire me to represent him. Now for some context he and his wife do not have a ton of money, the wife’s parents are very well off and ended up paying her full legal bill.
After contemplating this for a few days and despite my own wife’s objections I decided to help and advised I would represent him as a favor.
So the divorce papers are served and as I had anticipated she did not take this well. He ended up moving out and they kept a regular schedule with their daughter however the drop-offs from what he said would often consist of her verbally abusing him and she even went as far as trying to brainwash their daughter by blaming him for breaking up their family.
I had suggested that he install a ring doorbell at his new place so these interactions can be recorded which he agreed to do. Let me tell you I was absolutely floored by her behavior in some of these exchanges.
Needless to say, we requested full custody and physical placement with her being allowed a visitation schedule.
After seeing this video evidence and testimony from others on how she treats her daughter the judge ruled in our favor but also left the issue open if she can demonstrate that she is seeking help to control her anger issues.
I have now been getting texts from her friends, family, and some mutual friends saying I am a jerk for doing that to her.
I am a little torn on this now. On one hand, our relationship went from friend to client once he hired me so I was obligated to provide him with the best defense possible. On the other hand, I feel I should have maybe bowed out and not taken his case on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No, you’re helping a friend, and that’s noble. It turns out that your friend was right in his wife being a little unhinged, so you did nothing wrong.
HOWEVER, as you found out, you’re now the target of abuse from mutual friends/family/whatever, and that sucks.
Eventually, they might come to see the footage or realize that you’re not at fault here, but until then they’ll hate you.
You still did right by your friend, and that’s good.” DixOut-4-Harambe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You acted as a lawyer and advised your client properly.
Your client and his child were being mistreated. And because your client documented instances of that, custody was RIGHTFULLY granted in his favor. As far as the family/friends of the guilty party, you owe them less than nothing. If it’s within the law and there’s enough evidence, you could probably let them know how far people get from harassing a lawyer.
As for your mutuals, paint them the full picture ONCE and leave the ball in their court. Either they’re fine with their friend mistreating her ex-husband and child, or not. And if they aren’t, then they can shut up.” Devegas49
20. AITJ For Blocking My Parents?
“I’m a 22-year-old female who hasn’t lived at home since the age of 17. I moved out of my parents’ home as early as I could. I have a younger brother (Jason) who is now 16 and still living with our parents.
My parents always favored him over me and didn’t try to hide it. Jason is failing school, got arrested twice, got a girl pregnant, and forced her to not go through with it – you get the deal. He’s failing his life in every aspect, yet my parents don’t care, he never faces consequences and they still pay for everything he wants.
He’s a spoiled, bratty teenager.
I worked since I was legally allowed to, had As and Bs in school, was never a troublemaker, and was always what one would consider the good child of the family.
Nevertheless, from the moment my brother was born, my parents stopped caring about me.
Everything revolved around him and no matter what I did, it wasn’t right for them and everything was wrong.
That’s why I moved out so early, got the help for my mental health my parents refused to give me, built up great relationships with friends, and got my first rather fancy car.
I am (or was to this point) still in contact with my parents. It wasn’t a lot but maybe a text or a call every other week.
Now the situation:
It was my mom’s birthday and I drove over to my parents’ house to have a piece of cake and drop off the gift I bought her.
Jason, as you would expect, didn’t buy anything and wanted me to write his name on the card. I refused and my father accused me of being a horrible big sister.
My dad started lecturing me about how hard it is for Jason because he has no money (which is his own fault) and that I could do him a favor since I’ve never been a good big sister.
I was accused of being ungrateful and disrespectful. I just switched off until the moment when my parents said they wished I had never been born.
The situation escalated and I said: Thank you very much. I was waiting for this insult. Now I can finally say that I never want to see you again without being the stupid one.
This isn’t the first time we argued to this extent. This happens almost every time I see them and I really have had enough.
I left and ever since my parents have been blowing up my phone with apologies. I’ve blocked them for now and to be honest I don’t intend to change that.
One of my friends said that my parents were in the wrong but they probably didn’t mean to hurt me and it was just a heated moment. She says I should let them explain the situation and accept their apologies.
Am I the jerk for cutting contact?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They said they wished you were never born. Over your brother, who is old enough to drive and certainly old enough to have learned how to make cards in elementary school, being too lazy to figure out his own way to wish one of them a happy birthday without tagging on to your efforts.
No explanation will make that make sense. And if the intent wasn’t to hurt you, then it certainly says something that your feelings are of so little concern to them that they didn’t pause to consider that as a logical (even inevitable) side effect of their outburst.
If they’re really sorry, they can go to therapy and figure out their crap. But they don’t get to be surprised if that’s too little, too late for you, and your ‘friend’ needs to quit doing their dirty work by making excuses for inexcusable behavior.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did NOTHING wrong. You gave your mom a birthday gift and proceeded to get crapped all over by her and your dad… again. It’s okay to let go of people that pervasively hurt and abuse you.
Yes, I said abuse.
You were ignored as a child (abuse) and have been gaslit (abuse) over your whole life to reel you back in. Now they’re blowing up your phone with ‘apologies’ that I suspect may be love bombing (abuse) and you don’t need any of it.
Please just know you’re a valuable human that people love and you’re deserving of love and respect.
It’s ok to love your family. You can, however, love them from a distance and without having continued contact. Good luck dear op!” Jovon35
Now here's what you need to do; accept that they will never "love" you like they do your brother. You will always be the "bad" child, no matter how hard you try or how much you show them you care. They are broken, and incapable of returning or even recognizing your feelings for them. For your own peace of mind and mental health, please go no contact with the lot of them and do your best to forget they exist. I promise you will be much happier and mentally healthier without any of them in your life.
19. AITJ For Confronting My Ex About How His Wife Has Been Feeding My Daughter?
“My ex remarried and has 2 kids (6, and 4) with his second wife (who is a stay-at-home mom).
Our daughter together is 12. My daughter has generally complained that she feels sort of shoved aside in favor of the kids, and I’ve talked to my ex about spending more 1:1 time with her and talked to her about speaking up but there’s not much I can do custody-wise.
I had noticed recently that she seemed to complain about being hungry more frequently. They have snacks and a full fridge so it’s not like they were starving her, but for example, she’d say ‘Yeah we went to the park today, can’t wait to go home, I’m starving.’ At first, I thought it was just because she’s a growing kid and kids get hungry.
I finally said wait why are you hungry didn’t (stepmom) bring snacks, she said well yeah but just a little fruit snack pack, I said wait what that’s not that much food and she said yeah (stepmom) usually brings us one pack each.
I asked a few more questions and apparently, for any family outing where they’re packing food or purchasing food for the kids, they’re buying the same portions for my daughter, 6, and 4.
In other words, they’re handing out exactly 3 fruit snack packets, or telling them they can have a single scoop of ice cream each but that’s it.
I asked a few careful questions about food at home and it seems like what is happening there is that if she’s making, let’s say, a box of mac and cheese for dinner, she’s portioning it out as 6-year-old is getting 1/3, 4-year-old is getting slightly less than 1/3, and my daughter 1/3 plus whatever was withheld from 4.
But my daughter isn’t 8, she’s 12. The ratio is off.
If my daughter is telling ME she’s hungry, she’s telling them. So I said are you telling stepmom you’re hungry and she said oh well stepmom just says to wait until dinner or snack time.
Which, in my opinion, is an appropriate response to a kid if you know they’re just bored or just had/are going to have a full meal, but not if you’re underfeeding them to begin with.
You simply can’t feed an 8-year-old like a 12-year-old.
Especially a growing 12-year-old girl at just the right age to start acquiring eating issues. The last thing she needs is to be made to feel like she’s eating too much.
I called my ex and confronted him and emphasized that she needed significantly more food than her half-sisters, and basically said he shouldn’t have needed me to tell him that and should have been paying more attention.
He said he’d talk to his wife but that I was making a big deal and flipping out at him about stupid fruit snacks. Am I overreacting? I know she’s not actually being starved, it sounds like there are situations where she’s allowed to go back for seconds and windows of time where she can have as many snacks as she wants like immediately after school.
But I was pretty angry, partly because to me it feels like a bigger problem – because if they’re feeding my child like an 8yo, are they treating her like one too?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And here’s a hint… don’t let this argument be over fruit snacks.
I know a lot of adults who are satisfied with a packet of those for a work break.
Your 12-year-old is bigger and needs more and more adult-sized portions. I think a good idea might be to ask your 12-year-old what they eat in a day and figure out all the nutritional information.
Then you have better information to back your argument. You have science. I think you’ll be listened to a little more seriously.” TheHipReplacement
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I suggest that you plan a sit down with your ex, his wife, and your daughter’s pediatrician to go over appropriate portion sizes for a 12-year-old.
Hopefully, that conversation will give you some better insight into why they are feeding her that way – is stepmom simply unclear on what your daughter needs at her age, is it punitive, or is it a food/body image issue?
There are two issues here – why the stepmom is doing what she is doing (and there may not be any ill intent on her part) and why your ex is not more concerned about your daughter’s needs being met/handing off most of the parenting to his new wife.
But no – when your child tells you or indicates that they are being mistreated by adults who are meant to be caring for them, you believe them. You follow up until you figure out what is going on.” Forward_Squirrel8879
18. AITJ For Buying A Nintendo Switch?
“I (F 27) graduated from university 2 years ago. My dad (51) is a tire repairman and my mom (44) is a housewife, they supported me financially my whole life so when I finally started to work I wanted to retribute and help them as well. The only problem is my mom is clueless about money.
She thought it would be a great idea to start a house renovation with literally zero budget and told me that with me and dad working we could do it together. Mom and Dad never saved a single penny, when I brought up to her that I would like to work and save some money before starting a project so big she told me that if she didn’t get the nerve to do something like that without money we wouldn’t have our house in the first place, that we can progressively pay things as money comes in.
I agreed to help them with the construction so we contacted an architect to design the project and started a whole renovation of the backyard, we built a deck, a swimming pool, and a brick grill. I paid for about 85% of everything and that’s ok because I make more money than Dad.
I doubled my workload so I could make more money but it wasn’t enough.
Eventually, the constructors kept asking for materials and stuff I couldn’t afford so I let my mom get loans from the bank using my name (I haven’t been able to pay these to this day, I have a debt of 20k with the bank).
I worked so much that year that I became sick and had to take a medical license because of burnout. All these months all my money went to this renovation, I couldn’t buy anything for myself, so I was feeling really sad and needed something to distract myself and cheer me up.
I bought a Nintendo Switch and a couple of games, the rest of the money I gave to my mom to pay the constructors but it wasn’t enough.
My dad doesn’t make much, the bank denied more loans, things were out of control and the only solution was for him to sell his car.
It’s been a year and she still throws it in my face every now and then. Today I told her I don’t regret buying my Nintendo Switch because I worked my butt off for a year and deserved to buy one nice thing with my money.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mum didn’t understand the demands of the project and went with too much, too fast. Honestly, if spending a few hundred dollars on a switch and games would have saved the project, maybe. MAYBE. But I imagine your dad’s car was worth at least a couple of grand, so I don’t see how not buying the Switch would have made a difference.
Even so, you’re entitled to treat yourself after everything you describe here.” Blake_Raven
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You allowed your mom to take out loans in your name for a renovation you couldn’t even afford. That was extremely stupid of ALL of you.
If you do not have the funds, you DO NOT renovate, and certainly don’t let someone else apply for loans in YOUR NAME unless you’re able to pay them off. Man, you all have made some extremely stupid decisions.
You also CHOSE to agree to help them especially since ‘you make more than dad’.
Your mom needs to stop being a stay-at-home wife and get herself a JOB to help pay off this huge mess you all created. Wake up!” User
17. AITJ For Donating Food Instead Of Giving It To My Mom?
“My parents have been divorced for about 20 years at this point. And I’m living with my mom and stepdad while I finish school. Well, my Das is a rancher in Idaho and he butchers a couple of cows every summer and he always gives his 5 kids a whole side of beef for our Christmas presents.
And he has asked us repeatedly to not give any to our mom.
Well at this time I don’t have a place to put all this meat without sharing with my mom and stepdad.
The issues began last year when she said she wanted a whole side for herself.
I asked my dad and he said sure but he wanted her to pay for it. She refused to pay him but still took the meat. This year my plan was to buy my own freezer and just put it all in there til I move out.
My mom said OK and she was gonna need the room in her freezer for her portion. I said that Dad wasn’t getting her any because he never got paid for the last one. She lost her mind demanding and screaming.
Well, a few weeks later we drove up to my dad’s ranch to collect it.
Instead of driving home and putting it in the freezer I drove to my local food bank and donated everything minus some steaks for myself. And when I got home my mom had cleared out her freezer and then lost her mind again when my car only had some steaks in it.
We got into a huge fight when I told her this was from her ex-husband to his kids not to his ex-wife and the guy she had an affair with. I felt good about this decision until now. I kind of feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom doesn’t have any right to demand anything from her ex-husband, especially after 20 years. She knew she was expected to pay for the beef she took last year and made the decision not to, feeling entitled to someone else’s labor and cost in raising/processing.
She can be big mad, it’s not your fault she didn’t follow through last year. And kudos to you for the donation, you just helped so many people who need it right now.” Dcombs101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
SHE hasn’t paid for the last one.
You stated the truth that this was to the kids, not the ex.
She is not entitled to anything from your dad. NOTHING.
Your donation has helped a lot of families who otherwise would have been out of food.” SuperHuckleberry125
16. AITJ For Unknowingly Giving My Mom's Coworker The Finger?
“I (f 17) was out on a walk at around 4 pm, the time that my mum gets off work. As I was out, someone drove past me, beeped at me twice, and drove off quite fast.
I knew they were beeping at me because there were no other cars on the road, and they slowed down when they reached me.
I have been beeped at multiple times while walking by people I did not know. I know this because if someone beeps at me, I usually look to see who it is. Also, if it is someone I know, they roll down the window to say hello.
This person had tinted windows and a large car, so I could not see the driver, and they drove off so quickly that I couldn’t see who it was.
Unknown people have beeped at me numerous times while I was out for a walk. Men in taxis, on motorbikes, in maintenance cars etc. I am TIRED of being beeped at.
I am a 17-year-old girl, and it is so unfortunate that I have to deal with idiots in cars who think beeping at women to get their attention is okay and not terrifying at all.
When the person (unknown to me at the time) drove away, I gave them the finger.
I have never done this before because I always feared something bad would happen to me. I genuinely believed it was some stupid guy trying to get me to notice him. I did not see who the person was, so if I knew it was someone my mum worked with, I would not have done that.
When I got home from my walk, my mum said her male coworker messaged her to say I had given him the finger when he drove by, and that he was really offended by what I had done. I don’t know this man, I met him once at a work event.
She seemed very upset because now this will harm her relationship with him, and it is important for her, she says, as a woman to have a good reputation. I understand her situation, even though I think it’s ridiculous. I apologized to her, but I told her not to say that I apologized to her male coworker as well.
I said that while I will avoid giving people who beep at me the finger, I will never apologize for giving it in the first place.
I told her people had no right to beep at me like that on the road. It’s terrifying, especially as a minor and a woman, that if someone wants to say hello to me while I’m out, they should roll down their window and wave.
She said that even if they do beep for the purpose of being creepy, I should ignore them and just keep walking to avoid further conflict. I said I agreed and that I wouldn’t do it again to stay safe.
So, AITJ for unknowingly giving my mum’s coworker the finger because I thought I was being harassed by some creep?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this coworker is a creep. If he wants to start drama in the workplace, if your mom’s reputation is as good as she says it is, all she has to say was ‘Ya he beeped his car at my minor daughter whom he’s never met and she reacted to a strange man harassing her’.
Hopefully, most people will be on your side. But I do agree with your mom to just ignore these people in the future and not react, especially if you’re alone and they’re in a vehicle. It sucks but that’s how it is.” chickeemeow12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He beeped to say hello & you didn’t know who it was. You thought you were being harassed. All your mother should have to do is explain this to the coworker & he should understand. If he doesn’t, then he’s a jerk.
If he does, situation solved. At least this situation. The thing about giving the finger is you don’t know who you’re giving the finger to or what they might do if they see it. Just be safe out there.” Embarrassed-Math-699
15. AITJ For Being Mad At My Sister For Using My Art Supplies?
“I (20F) just got back from my partner’s and as I’m settling down in my room my younger sister (16F) walks in and tells me that she used some of my art stuff and that she’ll replace them.
I asked what things and she mentioned pastels but she’ll replace them. Confused I asked if they were the ones I was going to throw out but no they were the ones in my drawer. I was upset but stayed calm. I told her it was fine just ask me next time because they were not cheap.
I then told my mum that I was upset that she had used them and that I was upset because not only does that mean all my drawers had been gone through (which I had only just organized as the same sister gave me stress by trying to bin the furniture I had bought last year which would have come up to £1,000 and pressured me to complete it in 2 days because she wanted to change her room right away whilst I was recovering from a concussion so was getting incredibly ill overworking trying to work around her) but she would have had to also go through all my things to find it.
Now if they were cheap supplies then I would be annoyed but brushed it off. But the thing is my art supplies are expensive. This is because I make custom dolls and using cheap supplies can make it harder to work with because of the way the material blends so I spent an entire year saving up for everything.
Just to put into perspective how expensive they are I have a set of pencils whose retail price goes for £50 and I don’t have a large income so that money doesn’t come easy to me.
My mum said I was being unfair as she needed to complete artwork for her GCSEs and didn’t have time to get the supplies and that she said to just borrow my things.
I understand not realizing they were expensive or being in a rush and I did GCSE myself so I know how stressful it can be. But still wish I had at least been messaged first.
But they aren’t stuff you can just pick up in a shop and borrowing doesn’t mean damaging or using them all up.
Also as I was rearranging the room I had a few supplies that I no longer needed or didn’t use. A few paint pallets and oil pastels. I asked if she wanted them and she scoffed and turned her nose up saying she wasn’t doing art GCSE anymore and even gave me a pack of pencils she didn’t need which I had left on the side she could have used.
Even if it was just sneaking in and borrowing I would be fine. Annoyed but OK I have many siblings I know that’s what they’re like but to damage them when they are expensive after I offered other things previously really upset me.
My mum said that they were just art things and easily replaceable.
She would take me to the shops to buy more and that I was overreacting. She has an operation in a few weeks and doesn’t need the stress of me being upset with her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister procrastinated for too long.
She’s old enough to know that your mother has no right to give permission to your property. Your sister is a jerk for rifling through your personal belongings. Your mom is an entitled jerk for telling your sister that she could use what you purchased for work.
I’d invest in several ArtBin boxes, TSA locks, and secure your things.” User
Another User Comments:
“‘She said to just borrow my things.’
Your mom gave your sister permission to go into your room. I understand that you’re upset at your sister but you really should be upset at your mom who declined to take your sister shopping for her own stuff and instructed her to go into your room and get what was needed. Your sister then told you what she did and is offering to replace it.
In the context of things your sister did everything right, it’s your mom who didn’t.
NTJ for being upset about the invasion of your privacy and using your stuff without permission, but be upset at your mom and not your sister.” CharlesMuskrat
14. WIBTJ If I Report An Inappropriate Coworker To Our Manager?
“A few days ago I (20F) contacted Tommy (58) outside of work hours on a non-work related app.
I have most workers on that app since our location tends to have crap cell service, and the store phones are busy with people calling to see if we’re on a wait, or ordering food. I was contacting him to see if he could POSSIBLY pick up a shift for me since we work the same station; I had a family emergency, and I didn’t want to call in since the shift I needed picked up would have been busy.
Tommy replies almost immediately, and he is wasted. Tommy starts complaining about the number of hours he’s getting – saying that they’re not giving him enough, how it’s nonsense, and just ripping our manager a new one. He then starts talking about how we should hang out outside of work, and this is where it gets inappropriate.
After I ask him once again about picking up the shift, he follows..: ‘Sure. I can help you win a wet t-shirt contest, or smack your butt if you need me to lol. If you’re looking for some fun, let me know. And I don’t get wasted, sweet thing.
I have 30 years of practice.’
I really didn’t know how to respond to that, so I sent a thumbs-up. He then replied ‘I’ll need a ride tho.’ which was nearly impossible since he was staying in a hotel room about 1~ hour away, and I had maybe a quarter tank of gas in my vehicle.
I was super uneasy at that point, so I told Tommy this and he replied with a ‘K’. I tell my family I have to go on to work, which makes them upset but it is what it is. At around 6 am he messaged me ‘Wake up.
I need a ride around 7 if you want me to take your shift’, followed by a ‘hellllllooooo jerk’, before ending it with the default thumbs-up emoji.
Tommy has not really acted that way towards me at work; a dirty joke here or there, but that’s it and that’s relatively normal. If anything we’re cordial, but that’s it.
We talked about our shared interest in music and a love for video games. But that is literally it – nothing else. No flirting, no spending time outside of work, nothing. I’ve never even told the man an inappropriate joke.
Tommy is also having issues ‘at home’.
His wife kicked him out (unknown as to why), and he’s staying in a motel about 10 minutes away from where we work. I don’t want him to lose his job, but at the same time, the whole conversation made me extremely uneasy and just… Blegh.
I don’t know if I even want to work with him anymore, but I can’t just go to my manager and be like ‘Hey, he makes me uncomfortable can you not schedule me with him?’ without providing a reason why, and I feel like if I tell them what happened they may fire him since he’s already on thin ice.
So, WIBTJ if I ask my manager(s) to not schedule me to work with him anymore, and show them the messages as my reason why if they ask?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ AT ALL! Dude said some creepy stuff, and it was a professional convo no matter what medium you used to ask him.
It’s harassment in its most blatant form. I know you want to be compassionate and not out him, but what he said was highly inappropriate and it’s in your best interest to share it if you need to. And I would, in fact, share it with your managers regardless of whether they question you or not.
Chances are he is treating other women the same. Don’t feel bad for someone like this, as hard as it seems, I have learned that what people say when wasted tends to be the real them, and that’s not someone you want to be around.
Sorry this happened to you, but you are smart to trust your instincts.” callalind
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you have screenshots of the messages, show them to your manager. Tommy is a nasty creep and he is highly inappropriate. Don’t feel bad if he loses his job; he will have fired himself by harassing you, which he never should have done in the first place.
For your own peace of mind, report it. This is all on him, and you don’t need to endure this disgusting pig in your workplace.” Fearless-Golf-8496
13. AITJ For Blaming My Mom For My Eating Disorder?
“My weight right now doesn’t matter in this story. Just to clear up any ‘well ARE you eating right?’ comments, currently, I (F 22) work out every day and eat very healthy.
The thing with my mom started as a buildup of issues over the years.
She was self-conscious about her weight too. So I grew up around various diets and ‘Do I look fat?’ and even pointing at random women and having to reassure my mom that no, you’re not fatter than her, don’t worry. I think this started around age 5 maybe?
I joined a cheer team at age 5 too, and all she wanted me to be was the flyer, which is the girl that gets lifted and tossed around in the air. When I joined a second team, I was working out every night for three hours.
No candy or cakes. She said I’d get pudgy. But I was a kid so I thought nothing of it.
As a teenager, I quit cheer, and I gained a significant amount of weight because of PCOS, less working out, more food, and just growing up.
I’d get chips from lunch or the store but if I didn’t eat them at school, I couldn’t find them at home and I just thought my car or my room was messy. (I found out about a month ago that she used to hide my chips for several years because she knew I was gaining weight) I tried on a shirt that turned out to be too small, and my mother outright told me I’d gotten fat, and that I should start eating when I’m hungry and not when I’m bored. I rebelled by eating a bunch of fast food and stopping exercising, but that backfired and I became pretty unhealthy and it made my mom and I just resent each other more.
From ages 18-19, I started feeling the effects of gastroparesis and could barely keep food down for around a year. My mom kept saying I looked so good and so skinny. I ‘agreed’ with her, took too long to go to a doctor, and my stomach is still so messed up.
I went off to college and things got a lot better. Walked more, ate better (not at the university dining hall lol), and a few years of therapy later, I’m doing a lot better. But I’m home for the summer and my mom’s on a new diet for her wedding.
This morning, I was making an omelet. A small one, so I didn’t add a lot of spinach. My mom walked by and just said ‘Wow, that’s not even a serving.’ I asked if I should put more, and she said ‘Depends on what you wanna look like in my wedding pictures.’
So I exploded. I told her she’s the reason I hated myself for years, that I have an eating disorder, that SHE probably has one too, and that she needs to stop projecting her nonsense agenda onto me before I get sicker because it would be on her hands.
Now the rest of the family is upset at me. They think I tortured her, and nobody’s listening to me when I try to tell my side. Her fiancé even yelled at me and called me a jerk.
Now I still think my mom is responsible for my eating disorder, I’m just worried I’m a jerk for telling her that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Could you have handled expressing your feelings with a little bit more tact, rationality, and empathy for your mother? I mean, sure, I guess.
Could she have maybe spent the past 17 years of your life exercising tact, rationality, or empathy for you, as a child, and your body image since she was the adult in the relationship?
Yeah.
That’s what I thought. If your family won’t listen to you when you try to tell your side, that’s when you make it clear to them that you’re cutting contact until they’re willing to. No one who’s that quick to dismiss you as a jerk when you have YEARS of genuine trauma and actual physical malady to prove your own struggle is worth your time, to begin with.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The body evaluation and shaming that she subjected you to from such an early age is horrifying. You were far too young to be able to think critically, and she should have known better. You’re right, it is most likely she has an eating disorder of some kind.
As someone who also had similar experiences with family and disordered projections on eating and body health, the fact that you exploded makes perfect sense. Your parent, who was meant to guide you, protect you, and teach you self-esteem, broke your relationship with your body from a young age.
You calling her out does not make you a jerk; it makes you human. I’m so glad you’ve received help and that you’re doing better. Anyone who makes comments on your weight has no business, and you have every right to tell them off.” lelawes
12. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Handle My Great-Nephews?
“My mother (80f) often takes care of my great nephews (13, 10, 6). They are my brother’s son’s children and they live with his ex (31?). They don’t get a lot of discipline, because my mom, SIL, and their mother baby and excuse a lot of unacceptable behavior.
There are frequent temper tantrums.
My mom has taken to calling me (I live next door) whenever one of them gets out of control. My profession is dealing with children who have special needs and sometimes behavior issues and I know how to deal with it in some pretty effective ways, depending on the child and their issues.
These 3 children have no special needs though, and are basically the result of extremely lax parenting (and grandparenting).
I won’t go into a bunch of it but Mom called me because the 10-year-old was throwing a temper tantrum about getting dressed yesterday. I went over, first telling him to get off the floor, stop screaming, and tell me what the issue was.
He was upset he had to leave to go home in an hour. I just pointed out to him that he had already wasted 14 minutes of the hour throwing a fit and asked if he wanted to waste the other 46 that way. He calmed a bit and then I told him to get dressed and be a big boy and he knew that his mom wanted to see him and he would be back soon.
End of problem. It isn’t always that simple, but I speak in a way that is firm and not open to arguing and do not engage in their tantrums.
My mother, who was the sternest and most no-nonsense person when I was growing up, lets these three run over the top of her.
I don’t know why. This certainly wasn’t allowed when I was a kid.
That said, I deal with this stuff five days a week at my job. My children are grown. I don’t want to do it when I’m home and it’s happening more and more now that she has seen I’m effective.
Four times in the past 7 days.
I’ve given her and my SIL all sorts of suggestions and techniques on how to handle and stop this behavior. They don’t listen or even try to follow it. My SIL just yells, and mom gives in. So I told her that I was not going to be her ‘equalizer’ and that if she was going to keep these boys, she better channel some of that old ‘mom’ energy again and get a handle on their behavior.
And that I wasn’t coming the next time she called for this.
This morning she called again. 6 year old was wild. I told her I was busy and couldn’t come. Gave her a suggestion to calm him. She called me a jerk and hung up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she is 80 and not capable of handling them herself then she shouldn’t.
It’s a grandma thing, to be honest, I swear my mother was the same and as soon as I had a kid she was a completely different person.
Lets them run all over her and do what they want and claims it’s because she mellowed out. Like no you probably just got tired of all the nonsense all the time.
Regardless. You didn’t agree to watch those kids, she did. You cannot be expected to just drop everything and run over there every time she just doesn’t want to deal with their behavior.
Especially since this is only happening because you took some time to learn how to deal with kids in general.
Definitely not the jerk, stick to your boundaries.” Scared_Excuse_4060
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not volunteering to watch these kids, your mom is.
Honestly, she is 80 years old and the reason she gives in is because she is too old to deal with tantrums. If they were well behaved it would not be a problem for her to be watching older children. But they act like toddlers and she is too old to be dealing with a 6 or 10 or God forbid 13-year-old having a tantrum.” Corduroycat1
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister-In-Law To Visit?
“I gave birth to my daughter 4 days ago. Without going into details it was incredibly traumatic and we nearly lost her several times. Then when we got to the maternity ward my husband was only allowed to visit during visiting hours due to restrictions. This meant I spent the first night with my newborn bed-bound and completely helpless.
I had no idea what I was doing and the ward nurses were just horrible people. I jumped at the chance of going home when it was offered. The wonderful thing though is the baby is happy, healthy, and farting like you’d never know it all went down how it did.
SIL messaged my husband as she wanted to visit the baby the day we got back from the hospital. I said no since I was absolutely exhausted and in pain. But that in a few days or so depending on how things were she might be able to visit.
Cut to today when we had tentatively arranged a visit from SIL. I spoke to my husband and said that I was so sleep-deprived, still trying to process the horror of the birth, and that I wasn’t ready for other visitors (the only people who have seen the baby are my husband’s parents, they’ve been amazing and feeding us and helping out).
My husband messaged SIL back this morning and said it just still wasn’t a great time and that we’re both still trying to process things and get used to the baby and lack of sleep.
The SIL turned up anyway at the door wanting to see the baby.
Her excuse was that the grandparents had seen the baby. To which my husband replied that yes his parents had seen the baby but they were the only people. My own parents I’ve FaceTimed with to show the baby off and other people have been getting photos.
My husband continued to try to get her to leave and repeated that we just weren’t ready yet. She got emotional but left.
Then SIL’s husband messages my husband to ask when we can see the baby and if not we should just FaceTime tonight.
He said that SIL’s schedule is very busy and she doesn’t want to miss seeing the baby when she’s so young. My husband messaged him back basically saying we’re trying to recover from a traumatic experience, dealing with sleep deprivation and SIL will be one of the first visitors when we do feel ready for them.
SIL’s husband said that SIL cried the entire drive back to her home. MIL says that’s just how SIL is and she just doesn’t want to miss out.
We haven’t messaged back but AITJ for really not wanting her to visit while we’re undergoing the biggest change of our lives while also dealing with a whole heap of associated trauma?”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who is absolutely horrendous at confrontation, I am glad you and your husband are standing up for yourselves. Following birth, you are exhausted and frankly, don’t have the energy to entertain people. You want to bond with your kid. Some people also don’t listen when you set ground rules and your job is to protect your kid when they are so young.
It royally annoyed me when one of my husband’s coworkers just straight up took my son to another room at 1 week old. You don’t do that. My postpartum anxiety was through the flipping roof.” midnightlightbright
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a right to take some time to yourselves and settle in.
Even if your birth had been super easy and uneventful, you would still not be the jerk. SIL is for showing up after you made it clear it wasn’t a good time. Good for your husband for standing his ground! She was most likely counting on both of you caving in if she just showed up and would’ve seen that as an invite to always show up unannounced.” Fantastic-Focus-7056
10. WIBTJ If I Tell HR The Truth About My Supervisor?
“I was being mistreated by my supervisor. This supervisor was verbally passive-aggressive, had a disrespectful tone toward me in front of clients, slammed my door one time, and violated policy and procedure in a way that caused my work performance to suffer.
People instructed me to go to HR. I never went to HR because the supervisor apologized to me, in what I felt was a heartfelt apology, and for the most part the behavior has ceased, so I just kept silent and pushed forward. I will not be working with them much longer due to relocation.
However, one of my co-workers is currently having a very similar issue with the same supervisor, which means that the supervisor stopped behaving that way to ME but has continued to do it to other people. It reached a breaking point where he contacted HR, and they instructed him to go to the supervisor’s manager.
The supervisor’s manager is now going to come in and interview each person confidentially about their experiences with this supervisor, myself included, and I have found out that everyone in my workplace has a common view of the supervisor as passive-aggressive, verbally abusive, and difficult to work with.
I am torn on what to do. On one hand, the supervisor apologized to me and their behavior has changed for the most part toward me personally, and I feel that since we have technically ‘made amends’ I do not want to trash them verbally.
On the other hand, this supervisor made my work life miserable for months, made me feel sick to my stomach to the point where I did not want to come to work, cried on Sunday knowing I would have to go to work the next day, and my company ranking and performance has suffered due to their past behavior.
Some people have told me that having accepted the apology and made amends, it would be immoral and jerk-ish of me to throw them under the bus. But I think that honesty is key.
WIBTJ if I said ‘The supervisor apologized but here are ALL the things they did wrong to me over the course of my time here’ and corroborated the other associate’s complaint?”
Another User Comments:
“HR manager here, and my advice is to tell the truth. Tell everything that happened in the past and also what’s going on now, including obviously the apology part. If you had reported him to HR before, your colleague would not have to suffer like you did.
So YWNBTJ if you tell everything that happened, even this not being YOUR problem anymore, but as you said yourself, now is somebody else’s and this needs to stop.” Plane-Pop7160
Another User Comments:
“If you’re interviewed about previous negative interactions with the supervisor, you’re not lying.
You may have made amends and your work relationship is better, but it’s clear this supervisor has no boundaries and learned nothing from their interaction with you and it needs to be corrected and staff needs to be treated better… Whether that means a demotion, further training, or being fired. It’s not your responsibility what happens to them for their actions.
But you can contribute to preventing the abuse from happening again.
NTJ.” Saraqael_Rising
9. AITJ For Only Wanting To Cover My Dad's Care?
“My (40F) father (73) has recently gone through some health issues that mean he requires full-time medical care/support.
For the last couple of years I have paid for daily home care for him as his wife was unable to care for him alone due to her own health and stature, however, it has now become difficult for him to live in their current home (stairs are a problem, no immediate on-hand help, travel to doctors and physical therapies, etc.).
Obviously, the subject of moving to a retirement home/community has come up, and my dad was not against it. I did some research and found a number of options for him, all of them with the best care and luxuries money can buy.
I’ll admit, between the shock and upset and stress of everything that’s happened, I sort of blanked on what the situation with his wife would be moving forward.
So, I went to my dad’s to discuss the options with him, only to find out over the course of the conversation that they were under the impression that I would be paying for his wife to move with him wherever he went. I barely suppressed the urge to laugh, but I calmly stated that I would be paying for my father’s property/rental/expenses only, and offered them the following solutions:
1. If they choose to move into a retirement community, I will pay for half the value of that property, and for half of any expenses of the village (ground rent, services, care, etc.)
2. They could move into a retirement community, and I will purchase the property there in my name only, and should my father become incapacitated or pass away, his wife will vacate the property.
She will also be entirely responsible for half the costs while she is in residence.
3. I will pay to make their current home as liveable for my father as possible, and continue to pay for his in-home care.
None of these options were good enough, and they both flew off the handle, berating me for forcing them into a difficult situation.
Eventually, I told my dad to make his decision about his care and call me when he has, and left. Since then, I’ve been bombarded with texts from my dad about how upset he is. His wife’s kids have also been in contact to call me a bunch of names, which is funny because I didn’t know that they had my phone number, but also because neither of them has offered a single penny towards their own mother’s care or relocation.
I don’t want to cause my dad any undue stress, and I want the best care in the world for him, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to shoulder the cost of his wife’s lifestyle and care on top of that. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m surprised they expected you to cover her as well. Why aren’t her kids involved?!
You also didn’t mention what kind of relationship you have with her, but by context and calling her ‘his wife’ rather than stepmother, I would guess you’re not close and maybe this was a marriage that happened after you were grown.
Regardless, stand your ground and tell her kids they need to make their own arrangements for her. Blocking them might be necessary if they keep up the nonsense.
Sorry it’s a mess—but I guess family always is. I wish you the best.” CirrusMoth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and he should be so lucky that his daughter is willing to pay as much as she is. I fully understand where you are coming from and 100% agree with your stance. Those steps need to step up and pay their mom’s share.
Or they can sell the house they are in and use that asset as well. Sell their car and other belongings and so on. She must have assets somewhere of her own, and maybe hiding them? That side of the family needs to step up!” genkichan
8. AITJ For Saying I Was Glad Kids Weren't Going To Crowd The Mountains Soon?
“So I was talking with some people at work. I’m in my early 20s, female, and a huge hiker. One of the things that gets a little frustrating is how crowded the trails have gotten in the past few years. It’s harder and harder to get a great experience unless you’re willing to travel hours and hours every weekend.
Anyway, my coworkers are mostly a little older, not too much. And most of them already have kids and everything. A few of them were talking about how this past weekend was like the ‘last big weekend’ to go out and go camping or hiking with the family because it’s back-to-school week.
I chimed in and said ‘Yesss, I love it! The mountains are going to be a lot less crowded soon.’
A few people laughed, but one of them (Cara) got really defensive about it. Cara asked what I meant by that, and I explained. She kind of stared at me and was like ‘So what, I’m not allowed to take my kids hiking now?’
I said no, that’s not what I said at all? But anything that clears out the trails a little is a good thing. It means more enjoyable experiences. Less crowded trailheads.
Cara said something like ‘Wow, okay, so the only people who are allowed to enjoy the mountains are people without kids.
Right.’
Another coworker was like ‘Come on that’s not what she said’.
I wasn’t going to give into whatever she was doing so I just shrugged and kept talking with another coworker about her camping trip (with her kids). Cara just scowled at us and then stormed off.
Another coworker pulled me aside the next day and showed me Cara’s ranting social media post about how she’s tired of people ‘crapping on parents’ (this is so gross?), and how the new ‘childfree’ trend was getting out of hand. Etc. A lot of people were agreeing with her.
I don’t know. I’m coming from it from the perspective that I’m sick of crowded trails…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re just dealing with another person who that thinks because THEY had children, the whole world MUST revolve around them.
It’s a simple/harmless joke.
It’s funny… and many parents say similar jokes when school starts: ‘Some peace and quiet during the day will be nice… (but still miss them etc).’
She’s just the type of person to take her insecurities/personal problems… not understand them… and project her frustrations onto others.” WhoIsTheRealJohnDoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sounds like someone resents you for having a good time without kids in your life.
It’s the same with vacations here in Europe, people who don’t have kids go in May and June to avoid kids, it’s less crowded and cheaper.
Why should people be shamed for living their lives and enjoying not having children if they choose not to have them? I’m specifically not having children young so I can enjoy this part of my life and not have to be responsible for little humans.” SteakNStuff
7. AITJ For Calling My Mom's Bluff?
“A couple of months ago I started gauging my ears. Not going huge but I’m at a 4 and I’m happy with them, with the way I look, I’ve wanted to do it ever since I was a kid and I’m happy.
However, whenever I mentioned it to my parents they told me ‘You will be disgusting’. Well, good thing they’re my ears and not theirs.
So my mom called me and asked me to come grab some of my stuff they’d found in the attic, so I headed over.
I don’t see anyone in my family that often and I haven’t seen my parents since before I started gauging my ears. Well, Mom sees them and literally the first words out of her mouth are ‘How could you do this to yourself, you’re disgusting!’ And looked visibly disgusted, like over the top.
I shrugged it off and went about gathering my stuff and my mom told me I needed to not show up to the Labor Day BBQ with those THINGS in. I told her no, that I’m still in the process of stretching and I don’t want to undo my progress.
My hair is long anyway so it’ll cover my ears. Then she switches to ‘Well if you don’t take them out you can’t come because your nephew is going to be there and he’s very impressionable.’ He’s 1.5, but okay.
I know her games pretty well so I called her bluff and told her that was a shame and I’d miss them and the others, and left. Like clockwork just after I’d gotten home, my sister calls me and tells me mom called her to vent about the situation and was mad because I was ‘supposed’ to take them out and apologize to her, and now she can’t tell me it’s okay to come with them in without making a jerk out of herself.
So I called my mom back and I told her I was still coming but that I was trying to make a point about her mind games, and that I’m not playing them anymore. I’m 26, not her little girl anymore, and I need her to be straight with me.
She then used that to make me the bad guy about how I was playing mind games with her by calling her bluff and I was the manipulative one. Exhausting interaction and finally I was like alright not worth it, I’m getting off the phone.
Anyway, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your body, not hers. And it’s fair to assume that if she doesn’t want you around with your earrings, then that means you aren’t allowed to come since you can’t take them off without causing issues to your ears.
You didn’t even get your ear lobes modified until after you stopped being a dependent. And you did it with your own money.
That it was a bluff to manipulate you into going to the BBQ without your earrings is obvious. That she cried to someone else when her bluff didn’t work shows you even further how manipulative she is.
You aren’t wrong for standing your ground on matters that concern only your body. But your mother definitely is wrong for disrespecting you and trying to control a 26-year-old woman.
I don’t know if you still plan to show up for the BBQ, but if you do, good luck.
Hopefully, your mother can control herself enough to spare everyone the dramatics and unnecessary outrage.” foodieboricua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also that strategy will never work and it’s going to be more trouble than it’s worth. You won’t show her the error of her ways you’ll just give her ammo to use against you and strengthen her conviction that she’s the one in the right.
Being straightforward is almost always your best bet. Just tell her in no uncertain terms that you will be making your own decisions and then follow through on it, nothing else said. Engaging in debate will only make her think there’s a debate to be engaged in.” regularshark
6. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Sister-In-Law And Her Family?
“I (F 35) don’t get along with my SIL (F 37). I met my fiancé through a long lengthly friendship with her prior to her first marriage, but our relationship soured into less than cordial since her wedding. Luckily I met her older brother during the pre-wedding stuff – we walked down the aisle together.
Since then she has divorced, remarried, and had three kids.
There is an upcoming family event happening in our city (think large tourist city) and everyone is coming into town. She told my MIL she would just stay at our apartment and that it wouldn’t be a big deal – without prior asking.
I didn’t even have to tell my fiancé how I felt about it – he kindly just said we weren’t available for them to stay. And she has exploded on the family about how I control him and am the reason he won’t accommodate her and her kids during this trip.
That he’s her brother and that he has no reason for not letting them stay for 3 nights.
A little context: she doesn’t want to get a job – so someone else is paying for her flights, her hotel for the event, her vehicle to get around, and her food while at the event.
She told my FIL that she doesn’t have money so she isn’t traveling with any but that the family will just help out because they will see her struggling with the kids and that they will obviously want to just help. We live in a one-bedroom apartment (just getting by and saving our extra pennies for a big trip next year to celebrate a big birthday).
I won’t be baby-proofing our apartment just because she doesn’t have the means to provide for herself and her kids. Her thoughts – it’s not a big deal they likely won’t touch anything. Kids ages: 1.5 and 3. We both work so we will be out of the house all day and him all night.
Leaving her in my place alone with toddlers and possibly me alone with her in the evenings.
Last trip (in a different apartment) she and her now-husband didn’t help pay for anything while they stayed for 4 nights. Ate the food in our kitchen, stared at my fiancé until he pulled his wallet out to pay the bill at restaurants that they asked to go to, and slept in our bed while we were out late at a wedding one evening.
I am looking forward to finally meeting the kids but not at my own expense, my sanity, and in my safe space. AITJ for not feeling bad about not accommodating them? I’m sure we will hear all about it while with the whole family next month.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are setting very reasonable boundaries after what happened on the last trip.
Stick to the facts if anyone questions you and your husband – you are in a one-bedroom apartment and do not have the space for 3 or 4 additional people to stay with you.
Additionally, your home is not child-proof and is unsafe for toddlers.
I do recommend that your husband be the one to communicate this though, and (if he’s good with it) have him stress that it’s his decision.
Just realized BIL would be there too, you certainly don’t have room for 2 additional adults with 2 toddlers to stay with you in your 1BR apartment.” DisneyBuckeye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t asked up front; you don’t have room for 4 extra people in a 1-bedroom apartment; your house isn’t childproofed. Most importantly, though, your fiancé was the one who told her No, of his own volition. It’s not like you just personally made an arbitrary decision about this, or forced him to do it.
It doesn’t matter what your SIL or anyone else thinks, & your fiancé doesn’t seem like the type to permit his family to throw you under the bus rather than truthfully tell them it was his own decision.” Far_Anteater_256
5. WIBTJ If I Don't Expect Anything From My Sister-In-Law Anymore?
“This past Christmas we had family visit us, we were hosting and cooking.
It was not a potluck, but SIL (married to my brother) offered to make and bring dessert. We texted about the details; it was definitely agreed upon by all parties, and no assumptions were made.
Important side notes: 1. SIL has never offered to contribute to a dinner before and 2.
She is a huge drama queen and 3. She often bails at the last minute for a visit to us. She has visited our house twice in 4 years (we live 40 minutes apart); my brother usually comes alone and provides a vague explanation for her absence.
On the day of the dinner, we received a text from brother around noon saying he was really really super sorry, but they both weren’t coming, because they had a huge fight (again, not uncommon between them) and apparently SIL stated she was so angry at him that she would refuse to make the dessert and refuse to come to Christmas dinner.
We were able to provide/make an alternative dessert for the family but still found the situation annoying. My husband said he would never count on them again for dinner (if they showed up anyway, they could grab a plate and join us, but we would never ever count on them for portions/contributions).
He wants to go very very low contact and so do I (only with SIL).
According to my brother the fight that caused her refusal was started over something stupid (totally unrelated to us or Christmas) and had escalated from there. Not making dessert/not coming was 100% her decision, which I think is a jerk move to pull last minute.
Also, she made my brother text us, but no word from her. So I told my brother that we were glad she hadn’t been responsible for the turkey, or this would have been a lot more complicated. He thinks SIL wouldn’t have done the same in that situation, but I disagree and told him so.
WIBTJ (or we) if we disregard any offers by her in the future and tell SIL her Christmas tantrum was the reason?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t need to refer to her tantrum though. That clearly isn’t the only instance of her not doing things she said she would, so it wouldn’t really help mentioning it.
In my experience, the best way to handle people like that is to accept their offer to help. But then don’t expect them to actually do it and just have it done yourself and keep it on the back burner just in case. If they do actually show up then let them do their thing.
That way everything is covered whether they show or not.” Competitive-Joke-265
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d go with ‘On Christmas, you said you’d bring something, then bailed at the last minute and didn’t tell us. As a result, we don’t think you take your commitments to us seriously.
So we’re going to avoid making plans that rely on you honoring your commitments to us. You’re family, and we love you, but until you start demonstrating that when you give your word to us, you mean it, we can’t keep putting ourselves in situations where we rely on you, and you don’t show up.'” BigBayesian
4. AITJ For Thinking About Breaking Up With My Significant Other Because Of His Annoying Questions?
“The questions are like these: ‘You’re not disagreeing, are you?’, ‘You’re not interrupting me, are you?’, ‘You’re not saying I’m wrong/You’re not arguing, are you?’, ‘You’re not taking the mick, are you?’, ‘You’re not annoyed, are you?’… etc.
The format is usually, ‘You’re not doing/thinking of anything negative towards me, are you?’ and his reasoning was just that he wanted to know if I felt that way or not. He told me it was because he went through a rough childhood but left the details out.
He insisted I shouldn’t feel manipulated if I do feel that way (annoyed, disagreeing, etc.). But there are times I voiced out I was disagreeing and he said I made him feel bad because of it.
The thing is, I told him I was in a toxic relationship before and I feel manipulated being asked those things.
I added that I barely have felt that way and if I do, I’ll just tell him so I’d prefer if he doesn’t ask me those questions.
We’ve sometimes argued about it because these questions felt like gaslighting. It doesn’t happen every single time he asks those questions, but when it hits something triggering, it either ends up with either an argument or me making up excuses to leave.
I asked him, can he at least word it in a positive tone, like ‘Do you agree?’ or something like that. He said he’s trying. No change, he still asks these questions.
I dunno if it’s the Streisand effect or it’s just getting on my nerves but I’m slowly swaying to feel that way.
Things that I didn’t get annoyed about before now bother me. I want to interrupt and say he’s wrong. I want to say I disagree even though what I was saying before he asked the questions was more of a complement/supplement to his opinions.
I only see our relationship going downhill. AITJ for wanting to break up with him because of this?”
Another User Comments:
“Those questions sound accusatory and assertive like he’s secretly putting himself in a position of authority over you. This may just be my experiences with my (jerk/hypocritical) father coloring this, but:
‘You’re not interrupting me, are you?’ sounds more like ‘You aren’t thinking of disrespecting me by speaking, are you?’
‘You’re not disagreeing, are you?’ sounds more like ‘You wouldn’t dare have an opinion that differs from mine, would you?’
‘You’re not saying I’m wrong/You’re not arguing, are you?’ sounds more like ‘Rethink speaking, rethink thinking, rethink doing anything but what I’m telling you.’
Now I know this interpretation is being influenced by how my borderline emotionally abusive, authoritarian father would speak to me, but all of these questions are aimed at making you rethink speaking and making you feel small. You are NTJ, but unless I’m way off base, you are being ‘trained.'” Obsessed_Til_Death
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The subtext of his question implies that he isn’t actually asking if you disagree, he’s telling you that you shouldn’t be disagreeing. Answer his questions honestly, or consider ignoring his question altogether and keep saying whatever it is that you want to say, but definitely don’t put up with that nonsense.
And if you do disagree and he says that makes him feel bad well you can be sorry that you disagreeing makes him feel bad, but still acknowledge that you have every right to disagree. His feelings are his and he can have them. Doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.” breathemusic14
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Every Christmas With My In-Laws?
“My husband (M 35) and I (F 35) got married recently, we both come from different countries. His family lives in the same country as we do but in a different city.
My family lives back in my home country. I have a daughter from a previous relationship.
MIL has been divorced for ages, never went out with men again, is not very social, very few friends. SIL (F 40) is not married, and has no partner. My husband was mostly single before me and the 3 of them have always celebrated Christmas together.
Since I have no family here and traveling has been difficult lately, we celebrated with them at MIL’s place for the past few years. To me, it was totally not like Christmas, since they do totally different things. It felt more like a meetup and a simple meal, and not very Christmassy.
They also drink and smoke A LOT and I don’t, so it was kind of annoying to be there with all the smoke inside of the house. They didn’t care my daughter was also there, but it was MIL’s house so I didn’t say anything.
I ended up leaving earlier both times because the air was just too toxic.
Last year, we got a new house and we hosted. My family couldn’t come, but MIL and SIL were here. I prepared a big meal and went all out with decorations and food.
They were thankful and polite about it but I kept hearing comments, especially from SIL that she missed ‘their way of doing things’ and they were annoyed that they couldn’t smoke inside the house. Also apparently I didn’t have enough wine.
Now here is the problem: They just called my husband and asked where are we spending it this year.
(When they say ‘we’, they mean all of us, including them) I said we don’t have to spend it with them every year and this time I’d like to visit my family. MIL and SIL went crazy asking why they couldn’t come along. I said because I want to spend it with my family, get them to know my husband more and just do it our way.
They also don’t even speak the same language so overall communication would be awkward.
From my point of view when you get married, you split holidays… one time with one side of the family, the next time with the other side. But they don’t agree and they say they always have to spend it with my husband, even if we travel somewhere else, they should either come along or he should stay and I go on my own with my daughter.
They are angry at me now for ‘taking my husband away from them’ and forcing them to be alone.
My husband agrees with me and he would never stay with them if we wanted to travel, but he also feels sad for them because he feels he is leaving the two of them on their own and they are lonely.
I said it’s not his fault that they have no one else in their lives and no friends or partner and he shouldn’t be responsible for it.
So, what do you think?
AITJ for not wanting to spend Christmas each year with MIL and SIL and leaving them on their own?”
Another User Comments:
“OMG, what is wrong with your husband? No offense, but this isn’t your fight. You need to stay out of this. And your husband needs to step up with communicating firmly yet kindly to his family. Your husband needs to communicate with his family, point out he’s married now, things have changed, and his primary family now is his wife and stepdaughter and as he’s made you spend several Christmases with his side of the family, you are spending this Christmas and every other Christmas with your side and they will survive.
NTJ, don’t engage unless it’s to redirect them to your husband.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s crazy to think they should come to visit your family. Hopefully, once the shock of doing something different goes away they will get used to it. One thing is older lonely people love their routine so not doing what they want you’re going to be the bad guy.
But it’s about you and your husband.” iusedtobethehulk
2. WIBTJ If I Report My Coworker For Overstepping Boundaries?
“I (23F) am 8 months pregnant.
I work full-time at Walmart and well, to be honest, I guess I’m not showing as much as I think? Some people are just now realizing I’m pregnant and get all surprised when I tell them how far along I am. Personally, I think it’s just my clothes because when I look at my belly I think I look huge.
Anyway, my coworker, Beth (fake name. Mid-60s F?) is a really friendly and talkative person. Ever since she found out I was pregnant she’s been all over me. At first, it was cute and I enjoyed her enthusiasm as we had conversations in passing, but now that I’m just about ready to pop, I’ve noticed her respect for my boundaries has gotten a bit…iffy.
Yesterday it was really slow in the store and Beth decided to strike up a conversation. I was at the door and she was at self-checkout so… It wasn’t exactly quiet but like I said the store was pretty dead. She commented on how I don’t have much time left before the baby comes and I sorta laughed and said yeah.
She asked me if I intended to give birth naturally. I say yes and she goes on about how she thinks I shouldn’t get an epidural, despite me saying before that I have a terrible pain tolerance, and then she felt the need to go on a long tangent about how she cut her finger off as a kid, how she gave birth without an epidural and other…gruesome things to show off her pain tolerance.
This is completely unprovoked by the way.
She also felt the need to ask me when I plan on having another kid, to which I responded that I’m not planning on having another for a minimum of 5 years. I told her it was odd to ask me when I’ll have another kid when I haven’t even birthed my first one yet.
It seems to be a trend with older women to insist that women have children close together. Like my mother-in-law, I get it since she wants many grandchildren.
But after I said that, Beth had the nerve to say ‘No they need to be closer than that.
I’ll give you 4 years max’. I admittedly was offended but didn’t show it because I knew she was probably joking but… Come on. You’ll GIVE me 4 years? And when I commented on how my sisters and I aren’t too close together she said ‘Well some of you were probably oopsy babies’.
Which admittedly is true but still doesn’t seem appropriate to say. Remember, she’s being loud because we’re speaking at a distance from each other too! I stopped the conversation and went back to watching the door vacantly after that.
This habit of hers has been a bit much for me lately.
But I only have a few weeks left before my maternity leave so I’m wondering if I should bother. Beth has always had an issue with oversharing, even when I first started working there a few years ago, and I’m not very confrontational, so I’ve never really said anything.
WIBTJ if I report her? Her boundary stomping is getting pretty old.”
Another User Comments:
“No. You’ve broached the subject with her, she hasn’t really changed. The fact that this last convo took place where customers could hear means you probably should speak to your lead or supervisor, explain that you’ve tried talking with Beth about these conversations and that she broached several uncomfortable topics while in earshot of customers.
That alone should get something accomplished. If they ask why you didn’t shut the conversation down right away, tell them that the conversation only got uncomfortable when Beth started telling you what you should do with your body and when you should be having more kids and that you stopped talking rather than encouraging her.
All in all, Beth sounds like the typical older lady who’s bored out of her mind and just wants someone to listen to her stories.
By the way, get the epidural if you need it and if you get the nursing student who’s not sure about hospital rules, tell them that the next person who comes in better be someone who knows the rules around epidurals and can get you the epidural.
Congrats and good luck.
Signed a former retail worker and current stay-at-home mom.” tinypooky
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. She’s obviously socially overreaching and giving her opinions on birth, motherhood, and siblings. Something a lot of people do. She hasn’t done anything legally wrong though.
What would reporting her accomplish? It’s not something she’s going to get fired for. You need to explain to her that you’d prefer not to have conversations with her about this. Maybe she truly doesn’t know that you’re offended and just letting her know will resolve the problem.
If it doesn’t then have a discussion with your manager.” Justanopinion24
1. AITJ For Telling Wedding Guests They'll Be Kicked Out If They Drink Too Much?
“I (26f) am planning a wedding. My partner and I have decided we will have a kid-friendly wedding. I know it’s not for everyone but my family has kids ranging from 7-17.
We sent out RSVPs and in my college group chat the following occurred.
One girl had her baby in December. Our wedding is in November, making the baby just below a year. She asked in the group chat if it would be okay to bring her baby and I kindly informed her that we asked children below 5 not to be in attendance.
She said no big deal, she would just get her mom to watch the baby. No big deal.
THEN things went down. On my wedding page, I did say anyone who has reached well over their drinking limit will be escorted out of the reception.
It seems no one could believe I was having a non-child-free wedding or that I would kick people out for getting wasted… which if you know me you wouldn’t be shocked. I’ve been a nanny for 8 years and even my old nanny’s family will be in attendance.
I also don’t like people getting trashed. I’ve been to too many weddings that felt more like frat parties and I don’t like that vibe. It just isn’t me.
One girl went as far as to say that it was inappropriate to have children in attendance.
I didn’t really understand. My grandparents and my partner’s grandmother were going to be there. Did they think the absence of kids meant I would be playing explicit music and shaking my butt? I don’t know.
Several people in the group have said they feel uncomfortable and don’t think they could make it.
I finally asked why? Why was it such a big deal?
The reason is they don’t feel comfortable getting wasted around kids…
I said, so you’ll skip my wedding because you can’t get wasted.
My wedding isn’t an excuse for people to get trashed.
But now most of my college friends with the exception of one RSVP’d no. Over 20+ said no. I asked the girl who said yes and she said ‘I got trashed at my wedding and missed the reception. Several people had to be carried out and it was overall embarrassing, so I understand why you don’t want people to get too crazy.’
But AITJ for not making my wedding more comfortable for my guests?
This is what we posted on our site:
‘We ask that while on the premises that people please respect the property as well as the other guests. We are so excited to spend our special day with all of our loved ones and cannot wait for an exceptionally fun-filled reception filled with good music, great food, and an evening that hopefully will be remembered for years to come.
There will be an open bar complimentary of (partner’s parents) as well as an officer present to positively I.D. those of age. We do ask that guests please refrain from drinking beyond their limit to ensure the safety of everyone in attendance. Again, please keep in mind an officer will be present and any guest’s behavior that warrants concern, will be kindly asked to retire for the evening.
We look forward to spending our special day with you all.'”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m going to be honest, I would also be slightly put off by an invitation that threatened to kick people out for drinking too much. It’s also a little conflicting with the fact that you’ll have a completely open bar.
It sounds like it’s an event full of booze but then also has that on the invitation, so a little bit of mixed messages. I guess I also wonder how strict the ‘beyond your limits’ is – I like to have a few drinks at weddings, never trashed or very wasted, but I would be nervous about what that means.
It just also seems confusing to provide all of that and then have the message not to really use it.” flyingcactus2047
Another User Comments:
“There is just something so odd about threatening people on what I’m guessing is supposed to be a welcoming site about your upcoming wedding.
‘Welcome to my wedding page. If you drink too much, I’m going to have a couple of burly guys throw you out. Here’s the link to my registry.’ Not one of my friends has EVER said something like this on their wedding pages, or on their invites.
I certainly never did. I can guarantee you my mom didn’t nor any of my aunties. It just seems so ungracious and insulting. As if you expect your friends to be unable to control themselves, and boy if they don’t control themselves, there will be a lot to pay.
I just don’t get it. At all. Maybe you need better friends. Maybe you just need to be a little more gracious and handle situations when and if they arise. Learn how to whisper, ‘Cousin Bob, you’ve had too much. Only coffee from now on, OK?’ while giving the bartender instructions to cut him off.” User
