People Are Ready To Get Judged On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Helping My Homeless Family Get A House?
“I (19f) have been homeless since the end of July with my mom and two siblings (30f and 32f).
Also, their kids live with us as well. Adds up to 8 people in a three-bedroom house before we got evicted, yes evicted. Our landlord was very racist and made it seem like we were selling illegal substances because of how many people come in and out of our house.
Mind you I have a partner that would visit, my nephew and niece’s father would come and get the kids and drop them off, and I had friends picking me up to go places. The only reason they actually won was that we had a messy basement.
After all, it was a lot of storage down there.
After getting evicted I moved in with my partner’s mother. I told her it was temporary and she was ok with it. As long as I try and find a place and don’t get lazy.
I got a new job working with my partner which my family actually didn’t like. They believe we would get sick of each other and it’s not a good idea. (My sisters and mom have no job, by the way) I started going out more with my partner which they also had a problem with.
They felt like I spent too much time with him and I should ask before I go anywhere.
For a while, they stopped trying to force me to do what they wanted and I have been pretty good.
Recently they found a place but because my mom has that eviction now it’s hard for her to get the apartment.
She asked me to put my name on the lease and at first, I agreed. I was doing everything I need to do to get it. All of a sudden she started asking for more and more funds.
I agreed to get the moving truck for them but that was it.
Now they ask for the deposit? Then when I didn’t have it in time I was told by the person they are staying with that they were planning on replacing me with someone else and I can’t have the room I picked out.
Then I found out it can affect my credit.
At that point I was ready to file for my own place, then my partner said we should start looking for apartments together. I agreed and we have been looking for apartments together for the last few days.
My family found out and now are completely ignoring me and won’t talk to me. Told me I am a horrible person because I won’t do this for them.
They do that every time I don’t want to do stuff I’m not comfortable with it’s frustrating on so many levels.
I decided I don’t want to help people who don’t respect me at all. They expect me to do what they want without wanting me to feel some type of way. It’s been months and none of them have jobs so why would I risk my credit for them when they won’t even help themselves?
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
PLEASE don’t ever sign anything on anyone’s behalf. If the lease is in your name, or you co-sign anything, the debt is actively yours. If your family doesn’t pay and gets evicted, you will owe funds and you will have an eviction on your file.
Don’t ruin your future for the sake of your irresponsible family. You don’t owe them your financial stability or ability to find an apartment for yourself.” MaybeAWalrus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family decided you were going to provide for them without your knowledge or consent and also made decisions about where you would sleep that contradicted your wishes.
That’s awful and they should not have expected that of you, a 19-year-old when there are other adults who need to be pulling their own weight or at least trying to find ways to do so. I know finding a job is hard right now and can take a while, but sometimes you can’t be too choosy with that kind of thing so you can get off the ground.
Your family needs to take responsibility for themselves and not put it all on you.” alsardart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your family was probably evicted for non-payment of rent, having too many people in the apartment (leases often state a maximum number of adults), the conditions inside the apartment, or a similar lease violation.
Absolutely do not sign anything for any of your family. And stop giving them money. Your mother and siblings are all adults and need to learn to provide for themselves. Giving them money only enables them.
You’re doing well. Working a job and becoming financially independent is breaking a cycle of poverty.
Take advantage of any programs available to help you to become independent.” teresajs
17. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Seats?
“I (36F) flew home for Thanksgiving this week and got an early flight this morning so I would be able to do laundry tomorrow and relax before going back to work.
I am a plus-size woman (the cause was finally diagnosed after three years of weight gain, I’ve lost 4 lbs in the last four weeks!), so when I booked my flights, I spent extra and booked two adjacent seats so whoever had the third seat in my row would not have to be squished up in my business.
Flying out was great, the other person in my row was cool and we shared the middle seat and snacks and played pokemon on our switches, and visited each other’s animal crossing islands.
Flying home was where things became a bit more problematic.
I was settled into my pair of seats, and a gentleman tried to sit his daughter (~12, not a waif, nor was her overweight dad) in my middle seat, where my bum is taking up a good third of the middle seat.
I said politely, ‘I’m sorry, that seat is booked. Your daughter can’t sit there,’ while putting my hand on the other 2/3’s of the seat.
He immediately complained that he hadn’t been able to book seats together and he needed to sit with his daughter.
I shrugged and said I was sorry, but it wasn’t my problem, that wasn’t his seat.
He called over a stewardess to complain, I explained my situation and showed my pair of tickets, and the flight attendant offered to comp my extra seat. I said no thank you, I needed the extra room and waved to where my bum was partway into the middle seat.
The stewardess came back ten minutes later with a wife from a couple who agreed to switch seats so the man could sit with his daughter. But not without attempting to shame me for not being willing to help out a dad in need and commenting about how selfish I was.
(the woman who switched seats was rude, not the stewardess! The stewardess was nothing but polite!)
I said, ‘I booked early, and I booked two seats together because to put it plainly, I’m fat. His two seats were separate seats. How exactly do you propose I split my fat butt in half to sit one half in one seat and the other half in his other seat?’
The woman turned red in the face and went off on me for being ‘disgusting’, I replied that his lack of planning was not my emergency, and she scowled at me for the entire rest of the flight. When I told my folks about it after I landed, my dad thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard, but my mom yelled at him for encouraging him and said I should have been more willing to help out a dad with a kid when I had two seats.
So I want to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, congrats on the diagnosis and the weight loss, that must be such an unbelievable relief to have answers and finally see some progress after struggling for three years!
Second of all, you planned ahead, and while it isn’t always possible for everyone to do, such as last-minute changes at work, you put forth the effort so that you would not be an inconvenience to anyone else due to your current body type.
And you spent a lot of extra money to do so, I’m sure several hundred dollars overall.
He asked, and even though you were offered reimbursement, you declined, as is your right. And it sounds as though he would have been just as happy to take your extra seat without asking, and without the flight seeing you reimbursed if you hadn’t had the courage to speak up for yourself.
Congrats on standing up for yourself and taking care of your needs!” Limerase
Another User Comments
“First of all: You don’t need to justify to us your body shape and how it got that way. You are worthy of dignity and respect no matter what size or shape you are.
You’re a person with agency and you used that agency to purchase two tickets, and they had no right to deny your agency or shame you for using it to insist on being treated the same as anyone else would wish to be treated had they been in your situation.
You are owed an apology by both the airline and the individuals involved here, and I hope you get one.
In case you don’t I would like to apologize on behalf of society for treating you this way. I personally made some fatphobic comments and mistakes in the past, but I like to think that I’ve been educated on the issue since then.
I hope these folks have the same experience I did and they learn that fatphobia is wrong and hurts all of us.
NTJ in the slightest.” ConquestOfBreadz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OMG. With the amount of harassment overweight people have to deal with on planes trains and automobiles, OP did something really good for herself.
Not that it was necessary, but she did it for self-preservation. She bought herself two seats to avoid the amount of trauma and discrimination fat people face in these situations. Now, she has her two seats. Paid double to be able to relax. Let that woman live her best life on that plane!
Nobody should even talk to her, ask her questions, or inconvenience her in ANY capacity! She should get access to double drinks and snacks and a perfect flight experience smiles from everyone like the air queen that she is the end.” conchitu
16. AITJ For Not Throwing Mom A 50th Birthday Party?
“My dad was not exactly… the most…
giving or caring husband in the world. My dad never gave mom any surprises, or any presents or anything like that. When it came to her birthdays, he did the absolute minimum amount of work for them.
When it came to her 50th birthday, mom raised her expectations, it being a milestone birthday.
She kept asking dad over and over again (apparently, I didn’t witness this myself as I was at school) if he was going to throw a party or take her somewhere, to which dad would always answer ‘you’ll see…’
But of course, he did basically nothing.
He did not throw any party. Mom spent the entire evening of her 50th in tears because nothing happened following her partyless lunch at a restaurant.
I am not sure mom ever forgave dad for this one. Their marriage was extremely rocky in later years anyway, so when they loudly fought about just about anything and everything I just used to put loud music on to drown it out.
Dad passed away 2 and a half years ago. And since then, I find a lot of my mom’s anger towards my dad, as well as her abusive parents, has been raining down on me.
Every year she does the same thing she used to do to dad, saying ‘are you throwing me a surprise party this year, are you taking me someplace’ etc, etc. Like that expectation is on me now.
Every time, this inevitably leads to her crying about her 50th birthday again. But here’s the thing. She now seems to be bearing a grudge against ME for it.
‘YOU didn’t do anything, why didn’t YOU throw me a party? Why did YOU let dad not throw me a party?
YOU could have done something you know, why didn’t you?!’ on and on and on. ‘You’re just as bad as him!’ she proclaims.
She also often asks, ‘why didn’t you see what was happening and badger him into organizing something?!’ Which my answer is, I was in 12th grade, drowning in assignments, and it was coming up to the end of semester exams. At the time, school was really stressful and I was borderline flunking two classes from being unable to keep up with the workload.
I didn’t have the time or headspace to listen in to my parents’ every exchange, conversation, and fight. But of course, she doesn’t accept this as an answer and says that’s no excuse, I should have still seen what was going on.
There’s also the fact that mom’s 50th birthday was NINE YEARS AGO.
And every year since dad died (this is the third year), I still get all the flak for how her 50th went down. I feel it’s not my fault and I’m just being punished for my father’s wrongdoing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Any time she brings it up from now on, you should tell her to talk to a therapist about it, you’re not interested in talking about it anymore and end the conversation.
Discussing it with her leaves it open for debate – you need to disengage from it entirely. No trying to argue points or how you are innocent or how it is not your fault or trying to prove yourself to her.
You need to start ending conversations when she brings it up and show her this topic is not going to get a reaction or response or argument.” EnergyThat1518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Your mom should see a therapist to help her let go of the anger and other issues she keeps hanging on to. It’s not healthy for her, and it’ll ultimately just push you away especially since no one likes to be on the receiving end of anger they aren’t remotely responsible for.
And yes, think of throwing her a 60th birthday party. Don’t forget – put it in your calendar now. Get other family members involved. Maybe get HER involved – ask her what kind of party she’d like, who to invite, lunch or dinner, what kinds of foods.
PS: Don’t be the child she confides in. Insist that she sees a therapist, who can also teach her coping tools. We don’t know what our parents’ marriages were truly like. What your father did (well, didn’t do) might well be the tip of the iceberg – and there are decades of anger, sadness, disappointment, etc. You really don’t want to go there.
Trust me.” Katja24093
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look up emotional i****t – the kind of situation you’re describing may fall into that category if there’s a wider pattern of your mum having those kinds of expectations.
Your mum is unhappy, and nothing you do will change that.
No matter how hard you try, she needs to work on it herself because that’s the only thing that will actually make a difference. You’re not responsible for your mum’s happiness, and you’re not the cause of her unhappiness either. It wasn’t your job either to stand up for her when you were younger – she’s the parent, you’re the child, not the other way round, and it was her job to look after you.
She sounds narcissistic and immature – don’t let her guilt-trip you. And remember that feeling bad for her doesn’t mean you have to keep putting up with it. You’re allowed to push back. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Neatpenguin955
15. AITJ For Telling Parents It Was Wrong Of Them To Force People To Buy Gifts For Their Child?
“My daughter goes to the YMCA daycare.
Whenever kids have birthdays, usually it’s at an event like Chuck E. Cheese or something. I’m able to decide whether or not I want my child to go. But this was a little weird. I got an invitation for a child that said it was going to have their birthday at the daycare.
I don’t know the family or child. I thought it was a little weird that they were going to have the actual party during the hours that I pay for my daughter to go to daycare. But usually, when it’s a kid’s birthday, the parents just bring cupcakes or something and that’s it.
However, this invitation has specific instructions telling us what kind of toys we should buy their child. I thought this was definitely forceful and so I did not ‘attend’ the party.
So a couple of days later when I dropped off my daughter I bumped into the parent and they asked me why I didn’t get their child a gift. I told them that I didn’t attend the party.
She said that’s not true because my daughter had a cupcake so technically she did. I told her I honestly thought it was really forceful to put that on parents and pretty much force them to buy your child gifts. She told me I was a jerk for saying this.
She said it was very mean to do to a child. However, I told her that every birthday my daughter had they never gave her a gift. So I’m just wondering am I the jerk for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And it was COMPLETELY inappropriate and unprofessional on the part of the daycare to allow this, particularly a YMCA daycare as (at least if the one where you are is like the ones I’m familiar with) they often have subsidized spaces for low-income families who can’t necessarily afford to be buying gifts for kids they barely even know.
Years ago one of my best friends was a young single mother and the YMCA daycare was the only one where she could afford to send her son locally.
As a former daycare/early childhood teacher, I would heavily encourage you to reach out to the daycare director and inform them about what happened and tell them that you were very uncomfortable both with the gift request and the aggressive follow-up from the parent.
That you have no problem with parents choosing to bring cupcakes or similar treats if they want their child to celebrate at school in general, but making it an official ‘party’ and expecting gifts from the other students puts you and the other parents in an awkward and unfair position, since just taking your child to daycare as usual (which working parents rely on for childcare) is perceived as ‘accepting the invitation’.
I genuinely have to wonder if this was okayed by a teacher or someone without supervisory oversight, or if they were unaware that the parent sent out a demand for gifts. This is SO deeply inappropriate. For sure you should say something to whoever is in charge.
None of this is okay, and at the very least they owe you an apology and assurances that it won’t continue to happen. You are definitely NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Asking for gifts was inappropriate in the first place. Confronting you about it was over the top.
She wanted a no-cost birthday party for her child where the parents had no opt-out option presented to them. The best thing for the daycare to do would have been to let parents opt out of the party and provide an alternate activity, with cupcakes.
I’m sure you weren’t the only parent who disliked the idea. You were the only one who didn’t let yourself be manipulated.” Curious_Discussion63
14. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out My Mother-In-Law?
“Several months ago, my wife and I were in the process of buying our first house. At the same time, my MIL got the news from her husband that he had met somebody else and wanted a divorce.
She had been out of work for years at that point and had to very quickly get a job and find out where she was going to live. Obviously, it was a terrible situation, and our house had two extra rooms, so I told my wife that she should live with us for 6 months to a year until she could get on her feet.
MIL agreed only under the condition that she contributes because she said that she didn’t want to feel like she was mooching off her kids. Fair enough.
Fast forward 10 months, she has not saved a dime, she has not even looked for a better-paying job than the first one that she got a year ago, and she is consistently late paying her share of the bills despite having the money to buy herself a new phone and all other sorts of luxuries.
My wife even sends her funds every now and then because MIL runs out despite her working full time and not having that many other bills. It has become a huge point of conflict for my wife and me.
MIL does not pay for any groceries unless it’s a snack food that she takes to her room, she very rarely does the cooking, she does the dishes maybe once or twice a month, and does no communal cleaning of the bathroom, etc because she is ‘too sad’.
Essentially, I feel that she is not contributing to our house in any way like she originally said she wanted to and is taking advantage of our kindness to help her get on her feet without making any effort to live on her own.
Not to mention her overwhelming negativity and constant ‘jokes’ making fun of my wife, myself, and our dog.
I am honestly fed up at this point.
I have brought this up to my wife, and my wife got insulted that I would talk about my MIL like this. My wife feels like it’s our responsibility to take care of MIL while she’s ‘vulnerable’.
I told my wife that enabling MIL to just live somewhere and forgive her for not paying bills and not contributing to keeping the house livable is not helping her and that we need to start pushing her to get out on her own, but my wife thinks that I am reneging on our original agreement since MIL is not on her feet yet.
It always gets brought up that it was my idea for her to live with us in the first place, and that if I wanted her to save money we should just not charge her rent. We argue about it fairly consistently, and I don’t see it coming to any conclusion anytime soon.
So AITJ for wanting to push my MIL to get out when I originally gave her up to a year?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have a wife problem. From what you shared you two aren’t on the same page. Sounds like she doesn’t want her mom to leave while you want her out.
Talk to your wife about marital counseling. You have supported your MIL for 10 months it’s not your job to take care of her indefinitely. You can’t enforce boundaries with your MIL until you and your wife get on the same page.” NickelPickle2018
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Give her 2 months to move out. You said she could live with you for 6 months to a year. It’s nearly a year and there is absolutely no reason she is not on her feet by now. Tell your wife that you refuse to enable her mother any longer and she is clearly capable of paying her own way since she constantly purchases unnecessary items. Let your wife know that MIL staying any longer is NOT what you signed up for and her presence is damaging your marriage and your wife ought to think about that.
If she doesn’t get it, you’ll need to go to couples counseling.” Maybeidontknow99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Get her out as soon as possible. These kinds of things most of the time ruin marriages.
Talk to your MIL and tell her it’s almost a year and when she’s planning something for herself because you want to live alone again with your wife.
It’s all about how you say it. She’s probably going to take it badly because she’s simply taking advantage of the situation.” Jacqtjakaa
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stop Wearing Nightgowns?
“My sister (26, female) moved in with me (29, female) and my husband (32, male) days ago after her divorce was finalized then she lost her job and was no longer able to pay rent for her apartment.
We’re mostly in agreement about everything except, I’ve been kind of having an issue with what she wears especially at nighttime when she unwinds and tends to relax a bit as she says. I think that what she wears is inappropriate. She usually wears silky nightwear (nightgowns mostly).
She says that’s just ‘her style’ and is what she’s been wearing for years. Not just that, but she’d come out of her room dressing like that to grab water or use the bathroom. While yes, it was just me who saw her dressed like that I honestly could not risk having an argument with my husband over it.
I suggested she buys some pjs but she said that she doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’ in them.
Last night, I saw her in the kitchen grabbing something from the fridge and was dressed in a purple, strapped, knee-length nightgown. I tried to speak to her about it but it didn’t go well.
We started arguing and I ended up telling her to stop leaving her room when she was wearing stuff like that and she argued that there was nothing wrong with what she was wearing, that it wasn’t like she was walking around without clothes or anything of the sort.
I told her it’s my home and she’s a guest and should just respect my request but she responded by saying that just because she lives in my house does not mean that I have the right to control what she wears then stormed off to her room.
We haven’t talked since then and she is refusing to talk about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while it can certainly be argued that you are being overly sensitive, that is subjective and hard to measure. What is easy to measure and clear is that you’re doing her a favor by giving her somewhere to stay when she needs it, and I do not think it is unreasonable that you ask her to respect this simple request for how to behave in your home.
Whether one thinks the request is a bit silly or not doesn’t change that it is a simple request, and you are doing her a good favor in turn.” ipofex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So the sister has not heard of a robe. It is common etiquette to cover up when you leave a bedroom.
Especially when you are in someone’s house. I don’t care if OP has insecurities it is her house she is allowed to set any kind of boundaries and rules. If you can’t abide by my rules GET OUT. You are allowed to be as comfortable as you can in your own house.
OP’s sister doesn’t even have a house and disrespects the homeowner in their own house. She is better than me. Sister would have been out on the street.
Also, why dress like that? What is she trying to do, entice her sister’s husband away?
I’ve read many stories where this sort of behavior results in infidelity.” Ok-Effect9942
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s your sister. She should understand a simple ‘Hey, it makes me uncomfortable when you wear that stuff around my husband. While you’re staying with us, please wear something a bit more modest. I’m happy to loan you some stuff or even buy you a few pairs of comfy pj’s for while you’re here.
Thanks!’
She is a guest in your home and it is appropriate for you to lay down boundaries. If she insists that she’s only comfortable wearing what she already wears, then tell her you don’t think this arrangement is going to work out since she isn’t willing to respect your boundaries.” Gardengoddess83
12. AITJ For Bailing On Watching My Sister's Kids?
“My (F36) sister Janet (F32) has 3 kids: Maddie (F14), Noah (M10), and Nikki (F8).
Janet had Maddie with her partner, Mark. They hadn’t been together long, but when Janet found out she was pregnant, they eloped.
For the first several years, their marriage was fine. However, it started getting rocky when Nikki was born because Janet became a stay-at-home mom, making Mark work more.
It grew progressively tenser between them, to the point where they contemplated divorce.
Because of Nikki’s age, Janet and Mark didn’t want to divorce and decided on counseling. They’ve been in it for a few years now, and their marriage has gotten better. Their counselor suggested a date every two weeks, so Janet will contact me asking if she can drop her kids off at my place.
They’re well-behaved, so I have no problem watching them; typically, it will be after my work day is over.
This is where it’s messy. Janet asked me if I could watch her kids for a whole week. Her 15th wedding anniversary with Mark is coming up, and they were planning a Florida trip.
I only live 20 minutes away, so I was a convenient choice.
I’m a graphic designer and currently working on a large project for a client’s baby shower, but I figured that it would still be okay to watch Janet’s kids because they’ll be in school most of the day, so I agreed.
Later on, Janet then asked if she could have their dog over, too. I said ‘no’ because I’m highly allergic, have no space for a dog in addition to her 3 kids, and my husband and I both work full time, so we just can’t occupy a dog.
Janet seemed understanding and told me she would look into kennels for her dog that week.
On the day of their trip, they came over, and Janet handed me a leash with their dog and gave my husband a bag of dog food. I pulled Janet aside, mentioning that I had explicitly said my husband and I were in no position to take care of a dog, and she shrugged it off, telling me that Noah was getting separation anxiety from their dog, so they ended up not looking into kennels.
She then told me that her trip was important and she saw no reason why I couldn’t ‘put up with my allergies and put time aside for a dog when it’s only one week’.
I reminded her that I was already taking on her children without getting paid, and now she was forcing the one thing upon me that I said I could not do.
Janet rolled her eyes and then turned to leave because they were going to miss their flight and had nowhere else to take the dog. I shoved the leash back in her hand and told her she could forget about her trip, then, because if she couldn’t hold up her end of the bargain, I wouldn’t either, so there was no need for her children to stay since she had to stay behind for the dog anyway.
Long story short, she missed her flight, called me a huge jerk, and said I’m causing damage to her marriage because ‘family would have helped out’. Her friends contacted me, also calling me a jerk. AITJ?
UPDATE: I have since spoken with Janet and told her that I will no longer be babysitting her children without her paying.
Edit: I babysit my nieces and nephew about twice a month and see them on holidays. I’m a family-oriented person and very close with my sister and her children.
I asked Janet if her therapist had suggested the vacation, and she went quiet, but Mark, later on, told me that it was mainly Janet’s idea because she felt she needed a break from being a stay-at-home mom.
I let my husband know that we won’t be doing them any free favors anymore, and he agreed that it was for the best after this incident. For the time being, I’ve also restricted overnight stays of my nieces and nephew as well and blocked all of Janet’s friends.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Noah having separation anxiety from the dog is for HER & HUSBAND to deal with, not you.
He might really have separation anxiety, he might just be their attempt to save money on a kennel, but you said NO. Why should you put up with allergies for a week so she can go relax and sun herself?
You were already doing her a big favor by babysitting for free.
Her friends are welcome to take the dog, regardless if they work, have allergies, or whatever.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You were right to enforce your no-dog boundary. But that’s not the same as saying no to the previous arrangement.
Plus the way you talk about watching her kids comes off weird like you have no personal connection to them. Not that she’s entitled to using you as a daycare service or anything, but I sense you’re pretty fed up with everything. Maybe there are some deeper issues at play.” VictoriAthena
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Mom and dog owner here. The fact that you were already watching three kids is saintly of you. We often have to have our dogs watched by someone else when we visit family because my dogs aren’t the best guests.
But you also have allergies! Her just demanding you after you vocalized discomfort? That’s a major flag.
Sounds like your sister is too dependent on you without being grateful for any help you offer. I am also a military mom so it makes me incredibly sad to see others take for granted their helpful FREE family aid.
Definitely worth looking into setting boundaries and sticking to them fervently!” scw002
11. WIBTJ If I Stand Up To The Golden Child?
“My (26F) dear husband (DH) (29M) has one sibling: SIL (27F), the golden child.
The favoritism is very obvious. A few examples: MIL and FIL are currently six figures in debt for SIL’s college education because they paid for all of her living expenses and the majority of her tuition while DH paid his own way through school.
For graduation, SIL was gifted a month-long trip abroad and a $25k car while DH got no trip and an $8k car.
After college, DH lived in a closet at a friend’s house for months in a rough area because it was all he could afford while PIL rented a downtown luxury apartment for SIL.
When DH and I bought our first home, we worked hard and saved every penny. We were never offered help from PIL, but we didn’t think anything of it at the time because we didn’t need it.
Later, when SIL decided she wanted to buy a house, PIL offered to pay for the entire down payment and closing costs because she was not good at saving money.
And every Christmas, we all wait around to watch her open literally twice as many gifts as DH gets. You get the picture. DH never says anything because he’s just grateful for everything he has and he thinks it’s even better to work for it, which I agree with.
DH adores his parents and his sister. He goes above and beyond to help them around their house with anything they ask for at a moment’s notice. We spend nearly every weekend with them. We even allowed SIL to live with us rent-free for almost a year after her ex kicked her out of his house until she bought her own.
It kinda makes me sad to see how much he goes out of his way to do everything for them.
It really isn’t my business or my family, so I didn’t think too much of it at first. What really affects me, though, is how everything revolves around SIL.
Every family event needs to be planned around SIL’s schedule. If everyone else wants to do something and SIL doesn’t, the whole thing gets canceled. If SIL isn’t available to go somewhere and everyone else is, then no one gets to go.
I’m not a confrontational person, so I’ve just gone with the flow for years. But I feel like I’m finally at a point where I want to put my foot down. This year is our baby’s first Christmas, so our families want us to host. SIL is not married and does not have any children.
Normally, she would dictate the schedule on Christmas. And she expects to do the same this year. Since it is hosted in our house, however, and we’re trying to keep up with our baby’s nap and feeding schedule, I think I should be able to schedule things how I want.
The problem is I look like a jerk if I try to insist on anything that SIL doesn’t want to do. She likes to sleep in late. I want to just tell her to come over whenever she wants, but that we’re starting whenever baby wakes up and everyone else is ready.
But I also don’t want to seem like one of those parents who thinks the world should stop for her child. I’m just tired of Christmas revolving around SIL, and I’m ready for a change. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re the host, saying when things start is perfect.
And her parents might try to show up late too, which means they’ll miss out. Oh well. I wouldn’t go above and beyond to have a confrontation about it, though. Your feelings here are right but don’t ruin the holiday for everyone by bringing up drama.
Be extra apologetic and nice when they complain ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, the baby can’t control when they need to sleep! I thought all the adults knew around what time we intended to start and could work their schedules around it. We did save SIL breakfast and coffee!’
Make sure your parents are there on time, though, because if you’re saying 7 am and nobody can make it, then you’ll def look like the jerk. As much as I dislike the sister from your description, I also want to offer that since the baby will need naps, you could always wait to do gifts after a naptime (it’s what I did because grandma was still getting breakfast and ham ready before the nap).
EDIT: I guess just really think about if right after waking is best for baby or if you’re just using baby as a weapon against the golden child.” But_why_tho456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house. Your kid. You get to set the schedule.
If your in-laws try to suggest that the baby is too young to know what’s going on. Well, the baby may be too young for that, but babies aren’t too young to get cranky when their schedule gets jacked up. Which is exactly why you’re planning the timing you are.
A side benefit is getting it established now that you’re in control of timing with your kid and in-laws can’t dictate before your kid is old enough to know what’s going on.
Small suggestion (if it’s not too much effort). Consider inviting the in-laws to join you for breakfast with a gift exchange happening ‘after everyone that’s there for breakfast has eaten and settled’.
The idea being to hook the invite time to sometime earlier than the time of opening gifts itself and with the steamroller of the implacable schedule hidden in the velvet glove of food.
Opt for something easy to prep ahead, pastries from a nice local bakery, or the like.
Something that will give them encouragement/incentive to join you earlier than your 9 am goal, without making breakfast a production in and of itself.
Even if you can just get MIL & FIL to be there at that point, it will make it harder for them to play the ‘wait for us/wait for SIL’ game.
It will also make deliberate stalling attempts more obvious. Undercuts excuses like ‘our breakfast ran long’ (if they play such games) if they have an invite to join you all at your house. Especially if you can select something that’s easy to make that happens to also be a favorite of theirs.
One variant of this can also make a good counter for SIL’s late waking time. Baked goods/pastries (whether homemade or store-bought) are something that handles sitting out for an extended period of time well. Any ‘but SIL is never up before…’ protests can be plausibly countered with ‘that’s ok.
We’ll keep some baked goodies for her’. ie. deliberately misinterpreting the concern as being about being fed and only about that.
There is also a long-game aspect to the method here. While your kid is young, the logic of ‘it’s easier to be at your house because the baby’ is strong.
A few years of playing breakfast host with gifts right after can establish a new precedent for the timing before that logic collapses. At worst, it allows for you to proceed with your morning your way and meet with the rest of the family later.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Enjoy your Christmas with your family and your baby! With a first baby, it’s A-okay for the world to revolve around them! Enjoy it! Don’t feel any guilt whatsoever!
SIL can join whenever and so can your in-laws. With babies/children come changes.
THEY also have to learn to adapt! It’s part of the transition as the family grows and expands.
Your family of three comes first. Glad your husband is on board! Time to start new traditions. Just tell them the agenda for the day and if they try to modify it you can let them know that this is what works best for you as parents and for your baby.
Period! Let them come when they can.
As a new mom and dad, you also have to put your mental health first and conserve your energy for the day too. Plus, the baby’s nap is SUpER important.
Good luck OP!” Mandaloriana_2022
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get Adopted By My Stepdad?
“So my dad passed away when I (16f) was 7 and my siblings were 5f and 4m. Mom remarried 14 months later. It was fast, she was not having an affair, she just moved quickly. It wasn’t great for me but my siblings loved stepdad and a year after he married our mom they wanted to be adopted. I did not.
They gave it another couple of years before bringing it forward anyway. A judge decided to speak to me and send me to a therapist. In the end, the judge declared he could not adopt me but could adopt my siblings. Seems he normally approved adoption regardless but he realized that I didn’t secretly want it but felt guilty.
Mom said she would not let me be left out of that. But I never wanted it.
The topic comes up a lot and upsets my siblings that they can’t be adopted because I said no. They love him and call him dad and want him to be their full dad.
Whereas I never saw him as my dad and truthfully, I don’t love him. I appreciate him for stepping up and being here. But he will never be as important to me as he is to them or as my dad and mom were (mom and I have a shaky relationship now because of this stuff).
My siblings sat me down a few days ago and said we needed to talk. That they wanted to be adopted. I told them to talk to mom then. They said mom will never let me be left behind. They told me how it would be for them if I said yes to being adopted, that my stepdad is a good man and it would be good for me and him because it would show him that I love him (they don’t know that I don’t feel that way).
I said I would never let another man adopt me and I only have one dad and I would not change that for them. They said that means they can never be adopted. I told them adult adoption is a thing if they want it but the answer from me is never.
They started to get upset and my sister cried. My brother was frustrated.
My mom and stepdad told me I was being unfair by not trying more for their (my siblings) sake. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds to me like mom is attempting to manipulate you into accepting an adoption you don’t want by using them.
This is very unfair to you. I’m so sorry.
You need to tell her again that she should let stepdad adopt them without you and reassure her that you won’t feel left behind and that unlike them you remember your father and don’t want to be adopted by someone new.
It’s terribly emotionally manipulative of her and them to do this to you. Stick to your guns.
Hopefully, she will change her mind about this ridiculous package deal she’s come up with and a happier solution will be found for your family.” SaraG1973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom and your stepdad need to respect your boundary. They may not understand or get it but they need to respect it. They are choosing to instead use the excuse that they won’t leave you behind and forcing them to make your siblings sad.
They are trying to manipulate you.
You should not even have to deal with this situation, I am sorry. But tell your mom and stepdad that although you don’t want to go ahead with the adoption, that it actually would make you happy if your siblings got the adoption they wanted and you would not feel left out.
And if your mom and stepdad continue this game I recommend seeing a therapist that can help you with boundary setting. If they won’t let you see a therapist just keep repeating to them your request that you need a therapist.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They disrespect your wishes. It’s not about ‘Mom said she would not let me be left out of that.’
It is her pressuring you to make the happy family she has envisioned without realizing that it won’t be, especially not that way.
You are not at fault here at any point.
Tell your mom you remember your dad and do not want him replaced in that way, and that will stay that way. Tell her denying your sibling’s wishes to pressure you is cruel to all involved. Tell your siblings you don’t feel about your stepdad the same way they do.
It’s not your fault they don’t get adopted it’s your mother’s.
OP that is a very personal choice and only if you want to should you change your mind, not to please anyone.” manta002
9. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Replace My Lipstick That My Half-Brother Destroyed?
“I (19F) visited my mom out of state recently for Thanksgiving. She recently had an infant and a 2-year-old with my stepdad, which I don’t mind at all. But, while I was there my 2-year-old brother got into my makeup bag and started playing with one of my lipsticks (a nice one that my partner got me recently) and basically destroyed it.
It might’ve been my fault that I didn’t put my makeup bag somewhere I knew he couldn’t get to, but I don’t have any kids and was raised as an only child so I’m kind of new to this being around toddlers thing.
I was the one who found him and took it away and got him cleaned him up. I wasn’t upset, it happens and like I said I probably should’ve put it away somewhere he couldn’t get it. I told my mom about it laughing (it was pretty funny walking in on him covered in bright red lipstick) and she apologized a lot.
I said it was fine, but asked her if she could give me money ($38) to replace it. She gave me a puzzled look and said ‘are you serious?’ At this point, I was confused because I thought that was a reasonable request, so I said: ‘Yeah I mean, the lipstick was destroyed and he’s your kid you know’.
She went on a little rant saying along the lines of ‘and he’s YOUR brother’, ‘he didn’t mean to, it was an accident’, and ‘I can’t believe you’re just expecting cash from me, we’re family’.
I reiterated that I wasn’t mad at my brother and that I get that he didn’t mean to, but the damage was done and she was responsible for his actions as the parent.
At this point my stepdad gave me $40 and defended me to my mom, saying it was reasonable that they pay to replace it. She said, ‘whatever, it’s not a big deal. I just hate the entitlement’.
I don’t feel like this was an entitled thing to do but now I feel like a spoiled brat, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your property was damaged and it’s only right that you get refunded. I can also see your mom’s side, she raised you and she probably had to cover things you damaged as a child. If you and your siblings weren’t so many years apart she likely wouldn’t have had to replace anything, it would have simply been considered normal damage between siblings.
Enjoy the $40, but don’t expect more in the future, she’ll probably say that you should have been more careful with your stuff.” sassychicwbrain
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I don’t know if you were visiting for a day or multiple but I don’t think it matters.
I feel it’s unrealistic to expect a parent(s) to have their eyes on a toddler 24/7 when it’s in their home. Typically the place is baby proofed so if you just leave them somewhere safe while cooking or using the restroom etc you assume things are okay.
I don’t know for how long the kid was left unattended but it could’ve been avoided by both parties. At most I would have asked my mom to pay half and admit fault to them. Both of you are making it a bigger deal than it should be.” Charlie_Fitch
Another User Comments:
“Where was your mom or her husband? I just finding surprising that your mom and her husband left their 2-year-old toddler alone and unsupervised long enough for the child to get into your makeup and destroy your lipstick especially when toddlers of any age are notoriously known for trying to get themselves harmed for no reason.
On top of that, your mom threw a fit about a lipstick that her child whom she was responsible for destroyed that was only $40 and was a gift from your partner and said it was entitled to ask.
NTJ.” Kaya_The_Frog
8. AITJ For Calling My Husband And Child Lazy?
“I (41 F) am married with two children. As a child, I was a carer for my disabled parents, and as a result missed out on a lot of things, including not learning to swim until I was in my twenties, which I did after a friend of mine drowned. This is relevant as I will explain.
My husband works away Monday to Friday, and I work full time as well, so weekdays are hard for me. The kids have activities, clubs, etc, and don’t go to the same school so there’s a lot of running about.
On Friday evenings my eldest and youngest both have clubs.
My husband gets home and takes the youngest and I take the eldest. On Saturday mornings my youngest has a 30-minute swimming lesson.
Now, because I have a bit of a thing for swimming, I pay for the lessons out of my own pocket, and they aren’t cheap.
But equally, since by the time Saturdays roll around I’m absolutely shattered, I often ask my husband to take him.
He frequently says he will, and then the morning comes around and he doesn’t. Either he was too tired, or our child was, or the weather was bad, or he forgot.
Last night I said to him that I would do it and he insisted it wasn’t necessary and he’d see to it.
When I woke up this morning husband was glued to his phone and our child was glued to his iPad, and I lost it a bit.
I called them both lazy and said that next week’s lesson was coming out of our child’s pocket or my husband’s non-household money. This is the third lesson in a row he’s missed, and I’m getting a bit annoyed.
Husband says I’m making a fuss over nothing and it doesn’t matter, but it’s not like I don’t offer to do this myself.”
Another User Comments:
“This one is 50/50 for me. I get where you are coming from. Learning to swim is an essential skill whether people realize that or not. It is a skill that can save lives especially if you have a pool or any body of water nearby.
You’re also paying for those lessons so I would also be upset if they kept missing lessons I’m paying for.
BUT I don’t think it’s fair for you to blame your kid and get angry at them. I understand you may be frustrated but ultimately it is the adult’s responsibility to make sure they’re getting to their lessons on time.
I would be annoyed at my husband, not my kid. And it’s a bit cruel to tell your kid you’re gonna take their money for a lesson that YOU want them to take. Maybe try scheduling the lessons at a later time if possible so that way you or your husband have time to rest and can take your kid later on in the day.
I guess I will say NTJ but I think you should apologize to your kid because you were being mean and misdirected your anger at them. I’m a parent too and I get it sometimes we lose it because we’re human. But at the end of the day, we are the adults and we should be the ones showing them how to regulate emotions.” angelxkitty23
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your son should not be expected to pay for swimming lessons that you want him to take. As a parent, those costs are your responsibility. Your husband needs to step up and I agree with you on this point – but you yelling at a child for not wanting to go to a swimming lesson and following their father’s example is just ridiculous.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Being blunt about it your husband is massively being a jerk. He’s straight up not pulling his weight as a co-parent or as your partner.
First of all, swimming is a really important skill that all kids should have. It literally saves lives so it’s not cool that he’s not putting the effort in to take them to lessons or even contribute financially to the lessons.
But second of all, as he’s not putting any money into the lessons it’s literally your money he’s wasting. That’s disrespectful and inconsiderate.
Going forward, if I were you, I would calculate the cost of the lessons he’s wasted and demand he pays you back.
Then, I’d split the costs of all future lessons – I imagine he’d suddenly be a lot more motivated to attend if he knew he was spending some of his own money on them.” compromisedfishstix
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your husband isn’t around for weekday childcare so you take on that responsibility but being away from home 5 days a week can be just as tiring and shattering.
I agree with you that children who live around water should learn to swim but you need to consider your husband’s need for downtime at home as much as you do your own. You have more household/parenting work during the week but any time you get to yourself is in the comfort of your home.
Your husband doesn’t get that on Friday when he returns, Saturday morning is his decompression at home time.
Your husband shouldn’t promise something and not do it, even if he doesn’t put the same importance on that thing that you do. You should be able to trust your spouse to do as they say they will and you can’t.
You need to talk honestly about what you can each manage, you about being shattered for maintaining the household with no help for 5 out of 7 days, and your husband about why he doesn’t understand why you feel swimming lessons are important or why he’s too tired to go.
I get the feeling he doesn’t understand why you’re shattered and you don’t understand why he wants to be home.
Maybe your children need to pick two clubs or activities each so you do 3 chauffeur runs per week with your husband doing one on Friday, maybe you need housework help, maybe your husband is lazy, or maybe your husband needs time at home.
Who knows? I don’t, there’s not enough information but it doesn’t matter. You and your husband need to sort it out together, he sucks for promising and not delivering and you do for not considering being away from home isn’t necessarily restful for him.
I really think both of you need to communicate your needs and ability.” Ok-Raspberry7884
7. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Sister-In-Law For Not Including Her In The Slideshow?
“I’m (37F) the youngest of three.
I have my sister Iris (46) and my brother John (41). John and I have been very close since we were kids. He was my first best friend. His first marriage sadly ended due to his wife being unfaithful and eventually, he remarried. Susan (37) my new SIL joined the family.
I noticed John begin to change after the marriage and he wasn’t like himself. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would make excuses. He only lives 30 minutes away but I would hardly see him anymore. I finally figured it had to be because of Susan.
Therefore, the next time I saw Susan at a social gathering I completely ignored her. When I got home that night my brother’s car was in front of the house and Susan jumped out of the car and demanded to speak to me. I simply sped away to avoid confrontation.
This was back in 2014.
Fast forward several years and my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My mom did not want to put her in a nursing home so a live-in caretaker was hired and mom, Iris, my niece, and a couple of family friends and I took turns caring for her.
When the global crisis hit, Grandma entered the final stages of the disease and I temporarily shut down my small business to spend more time helping out. She passed away last June.
Our family held a funeral service via Zoom and put together a slide show with pics of Grandma and her grandkids.
Two weeks later I got an extremely long scathing text from John saying how dare we (my husband and I) exclude Susan from the slideshow and how terrible and rude we are to her. I told him 1) neither of us was in charge of the slideshow 2) he and Susan never visited Grandma even ONE TIME all these years she was sick 3) Susan was crossing the line by making Grandma’s passing about her.
John then demanded an apology for the aforementioned event in 2014 and I refused and said the reason why I ignored Susan that night was that she had made him cut me out of his life and now he had cut the rest of our family including Grandma out of his life for no reason.
He hasn’t spoken to me since. Iris also finally admitted that she was also fed up with the situation and very disappointed. I really miss my brother but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.
ETA: I tried talking to my brother for years about the issue but he kept avoiding me and Susan is constantly with him and monitors who he talks to.
Susan did not attend the funeral and John logged out before the slideshow started. My parents also received a similar text which made my mother break down and cry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly sounds like she either made your brother a worse person or it’s got to the point where she is sending texts and things out in his name.
She’s burning bridges between him and others and either he’s letting it happen willingly or he has no clue. I will say that personally I’d probably try and talk to my brother alone but honestly don’t know if I’d want to waste time on hearing from his wife and her fit.” OopsMyBad21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wow, he couldn’t even defend his own accusations about the funeral, but then tried to use the 2014 incident of HIS WIFE COMING TO CONFRONT YOU AT YOUR HOME as another way to prove she is the victim, and then had no response for the reason.
It’s funny how when you drop the truth, they will try to make you a bad guy in a different way and then just stop talking when they can’t think of another reason you’re the bad guy.
Funny how the 1 time you ignore her, she shows up and tries to confront you outside your house.
It sounds like she was looking for any reason to make sure he cuts you out.
They ditched you and your family, they never visited your grandmother, and now she is the victim?
You’re NTJ AT ALL. But no amount of apologizing to her for her issues will ever get your brother back.
She is obviously controlling him. In order for them to be in any contact with you guys, they would need to apologize for her made-up nonsense, everyone would essentially treat her like a queen, kiss her butt, allow her to treat everyone how she wants, and turn a blind eye to her bad behavior.
Honestly, your brother made his choice, and you need not feel guilty or bad for any of it. I have 2 brothers and I would have ignored her too.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your SIL seems like a nasty piece of work and I wouldn’t be surprised if abusive to your brother.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she herself sent the messages from John’s phone. It’s heartbreaking when a family member goes no contact but I know from experience you just have to let lie for your own mental health because every time you try to reconnect it just shatters your heart into a million pieces.” Flat_Librarian_1724
6. AITJ For Unintentionally Upsetting A Grieving Woman?
“A child whose family I’ve known for over 25 years passed away in a drowning incident over two years ago.
As tragic and horrible as this is their family built a memorial statue near the river and posted it on the child’s memorial page.
I happened to see the child’s aunt by marriage in my workplace (I wouldn’t see her in any other environment) and I approached her and said I thought the memorial was beautiful and would like to visit it (at least three hours away) in the future.
She agreed and said it was lovely.
An hour later I get called into the main office and get told she called my boss to say I upset her and triggered her by talking about the statue.
I was very sad I made her feel this way, but at the same time, I’m not sure she should have ‘told on me’.
Was I a jerk for mentioning the statue?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You said a kind thing. No malice, all good intent.
It’s probably very painful for your coworker and she probably hears about it at every family function. She wants to be able to go somewhere that she doesn’t have to open that wound.
Honestly, your comment could have landed well just as easily. You had no way of knowing how she was going to receive it, and if you hadn’t said something, she might have taken that poorly. Grief is weird and unpredictable.
Your boss had to say something to you.
If you want, you might write a simple card to your coworker that just says, ‘I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, you can always tell me if I’ve overstepped,’ and give it to your boss. If your boss feels it’s appropriate, s/he can pass it on.” No_Hospital7649
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Intent is important here and OP was genuine and supportive when she offered up compliments on the memorial, telling the aunt that it was beautiful and that the memory of her niece was IMPORTANT enough to her to make a 3-hour drive to honor her life and their loss.
I know we all grieve differently, and the smallest thing can be a trigger – a song on the radio, the smell of perfume, looking through photo albums, opening a drawer and finding a letter the deceased wrote, a kind word from an acquaintance – at times these things will squeeze painfully at your heart and make you cry and other times they’ll bring a flood of fond memories that make you smile while you tear up.
OP, your expression was heartfelt and compassionate. You did nothing wrong. On a different day, the aunt may have been touched instead of caught off guard and laid open with bitter emotions.” suigeneristhang2765
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s possible she isn’t either.
It’s possible she just later started crying over it and someone, maybe even the boss noticed then the boss took it upon themselves to say something. Losing a child and relative is a very hard thing and loved ones can be upset for years to come.
They aren’t sad most of the time but just get moments of sadness. That’s ok! And honestly, I think it’s ridiculous we are expected to be at work 8 hours every day and never have any emotions or thoughts about lives outside of work.
We aren’t robots. So I say all that to say, it’s entirely possible someone else saw her upset and took it upon themselves to report or tell you. She may not have been involved. But still, NTJ.” BoyMom192022
5. AITJ For Working On Christmas?
“I work in health care and we are on an every-other holiday schedule. I worked Thanksgiving so I get Christmas off. We also get double time when working a holiday.
Even though I worked Thanksgiving, I still hosted and cooked a small Thanksgiving celebration for my husband’s parents and us, plus my 2 kids who stopped over for a bit.
My husband and I have had a lot of problems in our 3 years together, but thanks to marriage counseling things are looking up. One thing he has always done that really hurts my feelings is he acts like I’m not part of his family, and rarely includes me in his thoughts and plans regarding them.
In fact, I didn’t even know I was hosting thanksgiving until 3 days prior, even though he had made these plans with them weeks before. I think he only told me before the day off because he realized there would be no food if he didn’t.
He also neglected to tell me what time they would arrive, so they came only an hour after I started cooking.
This brings me to the incident. My in-laws were leaving and my husband walked them out while I put things away. I had windows open, so I overheard a conversation between them where his parents invited us to Christmas with them where all the extended family would be together.
My husband replies ‘sure, I would love to come!’ No mention of me or asking me if I’d like to go or anything. I decided to wait for him to extend the invitation so I never said anything. And neither did he. So, feelings hurt and angered, I went to work today and signed up to make that extra income on Christmas too.
I came home and told my husband and he got really upset and told me his family was expecting us on Christmas. I then told him I heard the conversation and I was never mentioned and since he never asked, I assumed he didn’t want me there.
He told me that since we’re married we’re considered the same person when invited (???). Now his parents are upset with me too since it will be awkward for him to show up without me so he’s thinking about not going. My friends think I finally did the right thing and stopped waiting for him to include me in his family.
So AITJ?
Edit: my 16-year-old son still lives with us. He recently connected with family on his father’s side and asked to spend Thanksgiving with them. I have no family of my own so I was thrilled about this. He still stopped over with my daughter, who is 18 and recently moved out on her own (and spent thanksgiving with her SO), for a while.
He also wants to spend Christmas Day with them, and my Daughter will be on vacation with friends. So I have not lost custody, there are other explanations than that.
My husband is also professionally diagnosed autistic but besides some counseling as a child, has never had professional treatment for it.
He starts therapy in one week. It is all new to me as well as I just found out (I wondered before though, due to signs being there) so I have not learned yet how to best deal with this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You work in Healthcare.
That’s all he needs to say to explain your absence. As for what happened at Thanksgiving, you should have wished him well, made dinner, and reminded him you were working. Tell him he needs to consult with you before you can be committed to an activity.
Until you are consulted, you are not going to go. And if you make another commitment because he did not consult you, then too bad. You and he are not one person. He does not speak for you. Time to call your marriage counselor. You two need more practice communicating.” InstructionWestern44
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your husband sounds exhausting. The fact that he doesn’t communicate plans with you, especially when he expects you to cook or buy gifts or show up to something, is both rude and weird. The fact that you would decide to work on a big holiday without discussing it first is also weird.
Has communication come up in your marriage counseling? If not, it’s time for you to bring it up. The two of you will absolutely not last if you can’t tell each other simple things like what you’re doing for Christmas.” FlyingDutchLady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That marriage counseling you mentioned? If he’s acting as if you are a maid/accessory to his plans that can jump to attention for his whims, with no conversation, consideration, or notice, and letting his family’s feelings/plans come before you? That counseling is not working the way you think it is.
You’re supposed to be partners. Not only does he not factor you in when making plans, he actively leaves you out until he realizes it affects him.
Work your Christmas shift and when you talk to his family let them know that you’re sorry that you’re going to miss the holiday but you didn’t know you were supposed to have plans.
He didn’t let you know about Thanksgiving until 2 days before and surely he learned from you killing yourself to make it work not to leave you out of plans?” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
In marriage counseling, have you considered giving the gift of divorce?
You two act in petty, intentionally non-communicative ways, and would rather hurt each other than have a conversation.
And why are your friends hyping you up for being petty toward your husband? If your relationship sucks that bad, an adult friend will support you in getting out of it or working through it.
The immaturity from all of you is exhausting.” menichap
4. AITJ For Wanting To Use My Roommate's Insurance After I Crashed Her Car?
“I rear-ended my roommate’s car last week at a stop sign.
It was a pretty minor accident (I was going about 10 miles an hour), and it was just a slight ‘bump’. Anyways, we got it checked out and there’s $2000 worth of damages to fix her car and $1000 for the guy I hit. I wanted to use my full-coverage insurance, but they wouldn’t let me as I got into the crash with a car that was not mine.
I proposed to my roommate that we use her full-coverage insurance (as that’s what insurance is for and she pays about $400 a month for it), and I’ll cover any/all premium costs of the insurance as well as the $500 co-pay requirement. My roommate doesn’t agree to this deal. She proposed two things:
We use her insurance, I pay the premium cost, the co-pay requirement, AND the value of how much her car went down in the market because using her insurance will show up in the ‘car facts’ when she sells it.
I asked her how will we know how much the car value depreciated, and she said when she sells the car next year, she’ll ask the dealer how much her car value decreased due to the accident.
I can’t agree to this arrangement for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don’t trust the dealer – wouldn’t they just exaggerate the amount the car value went down to get the car for cheaper? And secondly, as I can’t play any role in talking to the dealer or selling the car, I’m essentially signing a ‘blank check’ to pay however much she/the dealer deems the car went down next year.
This is too risky. What if she insists it’s like $5,000 next year? I’ll have already agreed to pay the ‘decreased car value’ for using her insurance. I also talked to my parents and they said that car values don’t depreciate for getting into minor accidents like this one, just major ones, especially if the car is 100% fixed up.
But there’s nothing I can say to convince her that using her insurance won’t lead to a substantial decrease in the value of her car due to the accident being recorded in the car facts.
The second option, if I don’t agree to this deal, is to pay for everything out of pocket and not get her insurance involved. This would be like almost an entire month’s salary for me.
It’s insanely expensive, and I don’t want to pay out of pocket when my roommate pays $400 a month for insurance. In my opinion, insurance is exactly for moments like this, and I’m really sorry that I can’t use mine, but I’m willing to pay the premium on hers.
Her argument is that I have the audacity to negotiate/argue with her when I crashed her car, and I should be apologetic and agree to handle things the way she wants to handle them.
Anyways, AITJ for refusing to either of her two options and continually trying to negotiate for using her insurance without the ‘car value decrease’ stipulations?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were using the car with permission. When she gave permission, she took the risk that something you did might affect resale value (and depreciation due to a fully repaired fender bender is highly speculative and probably impossible to prove).
This is exactly what insurance is for.
If it has not happened already, report the crash to her insurance company right away and fully cooperate with the insurance adjuster regarding giving statements, etc. That is undoubtedly a requirement of her insurance contract anyway – you don’t want to risk denial of the claim for delayed reporting.
They will sort it out.
Pay her for the deductible and any other actual out-of-pocket costs (replacement transportation etc) not paid by insurance and you’re good.” Prudent_Plan_6451
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You crashed her car. Hers, not yours. You’ve already caused her enough stress.
You’re driving her premium up and she’s only got your word that you’ll pay the increase. Is her car drivable right now? Have you procured transportation for her while you’re arguing with her about how much it will suck for you to be financially inconvenienced?
Because while you’re trying to avoid doing the right thing and while you are putting her through all the stress of how you refuse to pay out of pocket and she may or may not get screwed if you put her through having to take you to small claims court, her car is still messed up.
Whatever complicated crap you work out, it is ALL stuff that is making her life more difficult and it is your fault.
Do the right thing. Fix what you messed up with as little hassle for your friend as possible. She was kind and generous to you and you’re thanking her with a whirlwind of crap.” SaskiaDavies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your roommate is not being reasonable and doesn’t understand how carfax works. The accident will be on the VINs report regardless of the insurance or payment used unless you get the work done through someone’s uncle in Tijuana. You wrecked her car yeah shame on you that’s why you pay the deductible.
Your insurance company isn’t paying for the wreck because that’s not how this works. Insurance follows the vehicle, not the driver (unless you have SR22 – a low-wing cantilever monoplane of composite construction – or operator’s insurance). Her car insurance is SUPPOSED TO COVER IT.
As well as depreciation. Stop. Just stop. There’s no dealer in the world that can pinpoint the depreciation or value lost to a minor accident THATS BEEN REPAIRED a year or more after the fact.
Tell her to get lost and get your rental insurance company involved if she threatens a lawsuit because you likely have personal liability insurance that will cover legal costs and any damages payable to her because of the accident.
This simply isn’t some stupid emotional game of ‘her car her rules’. It’s a legal matter that should be handled according to laws with appropriate coverages and liabilities.” KGBree
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to fix what you broke, so either pay out-of-pocket or pay what your roomie wants.
There isn’t a third option. There isn’t a compromise. Either pay out of pocket what you know you have to pay now or pay what your roomie wants as a difference later. That’s it. This is the risk someone takes when they loan out their car.
Your roomie also should’ve had a plan in case anything happened. It’s their car, their responsibility to make sure they’re loaning it to someone responsible. Whether that person be a good driver, or someone they know will pay for damages they create.
Either way, it happened. Fix your mistake and either get your own vehicle or use public transportation until you can.” Pumpumpkin666
3. AITJ For Putting My Husband's Wool Clothing In The Dryer?
“We have been together for 12 years and married for 9. We have two kids under 3 and it’s exhausting. I am primarily a stay-at-home Mom with some side gigs. He works in recruiting for a big organization.
We are 32F and 34M. We share household chores but I primarily do the laundry.
So onto the problem… the majority of my husband’s clothing doesn’t go in the dryer, but he has some that do. This has been a sticking point for us for years.
I have ADHD and poor working memory so it’s like a horrible game show where someone tells you to sort out objects without there being any pattern or reasoning behind it other than this shirt is older and these jeans are newer etc. It’s confusing and I have tried to figure out which is which but inevitably mistakes happen and things end up in the dryer.
When they do he gets upset and is sad because the clothing shrinks and doesn’t fit properly. For further context my husband has a hard time finding clothing that fits him, he’s tall and fit but has a small waist so if it fits in the arms and length it is usually too wide, if it fits in the waist it’s too tight in the arms. He also hates shopping for clothes so when he buys clothing he keeps it for a long time.
About a year ago I accidentally put one of my husband’s favorite sweatshirts in the dryer on high heat and it shrunk. He was sad and so I apologized and I came up with the solution of using mesh washing bags for his clothing that doesn’t go in the dryer and went out and bought them for him.
I told him to put anything he didn’t want to be dried into the bags and he told me that he would do it.
Fast-forward a couple of months and he hadn’t bothered to do it and another shirt got dryered. I reminded him of the bags again.
He said he’d do it and he didn’t again. This went on for months with many different excuses.
About two months ago when we all were sick I was doing laundry. I was trying to sort the clothes out and my youngest threw up on me.
So I shoved everything that was still clean into the dryer. I put the heat on low then folded everything like normal and he never said anything. Never said anything fit tight or felt like it had shrunk. I felt like I had gotten away with murder and assumed I could just keep doing it.
Fast forward to today and he decided to fold the laundry. He noticed his nice Merino Wool base layer in the dryer and said ‘you put my merino base layer in the dryer?’ And I said ‘I put everything in the dryer on low now’ and he was immediately upset and said it was ruined. I said ‘I have been putting everything in the dryer for a couple of months.
I gave you the mesh bags a year and you never used them. So I gave up and started putting everything in the dryer.’ Then I said if he ‘wants his laundry to be done a certain way then he needs to sort it before it goes in the wash or do it himself.’ He had only a sarcastic response for me and he made it clear he thinks I’m the jerk.
So, am I the jerk for putting my husband’s clothes in the dryer?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You offered a compromise time and time again. He didn’t hold up his end or suggest another compromise. He doesn’t seem to respect that it is a struggle for you considering your ADHD as he showed himself unwilling to accommodate you in a way that frankly would have required almost no effort on his part.
Also, I was about to suggest just drying everything on low, but saw you figured it out already! And moreover, he had no complaints about the results of this until he noticed HOW it was being done!
Let him do his own laundry from now on, surely you’re already covering for yourself and two small children?
He is a grown-up man he can do it himself and everyone is happy.” 10Kmana
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This isn’t a case of your husband taking advantage of you, since you’re sharing chores and laundry is your part. It’s not that hard to know what can go in a dryer or not, especially since it’ll be on the tag anyway.
It’s also not hard to simply default to not putting stuff into the dryer you’re unsure about instead of just chucking everything in. You have a job and you’re refusing to do it correctly.
On the other hand, your husband sucks for first agreeing to use the bags and then not doing it – at that point he got what he deserved.” MsWuMing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but that’s not what working memory is. Working memory is for storing short bits of information temporarily, like hearing the instructions to dry clothes as you are putting them in the dryer and retaining that well enough to finish the load, which is something that is a struggle with ADHD.
You are having a struggle with procedural memory, the specific requirements of tasks such as doing laundry.
I have ADHD and struggle with both myself. I recommend rehearsal for working memory, repeating the information over and over until you write it down, and writing it down for procedural memory.
I have a list of instructions for tasks I struggle with and I consult it, even if I don’t need it, to stay on task.
Also, he needs to wash his own laundry. Mistakes happen. It wouldn’t kill him to do the laundry that can be destroyed by being dried incorrectly if that’s a struggle for you.” Yaaaassquatch
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – neither of you seems to want to make much effort to resolve this. Your husband could easily have done the washing himself or at least used the mesh bags, as he agreed to. But for you – ADHD or not, it’s not that hard to just check the labels of things before you dry them if you’ve forgotten whether they dry or not; and if you don’t want to do that, then it’s also easy to just leave your husband’s clothes aside for him to sort out and dry himself when he gets home.
Giving up and tumble-drying everything instead of just admitting that you made another mistake is passive-aggressive nonsense.
But the real solution here is just to buy clothes that wash the same as all the other clothes. My family had a ‘nothing that needs ironing’ rule while I was growing up, and if we broke it we did our own ironing but otherwise, my mum did the laundry.
This stuff isn’t hard to work out unless both sides are haggling over a very minimal amount of work. You’ve probably both wasted more energy on arguing about this for months than it would have taken to just fix the issue.” redcore4
2. WIBTJ If I Let My Parents Say Something To My Brother About Attending My Wedding?
“I (30f) am getting married in May. I have 5 siblings and all but one of them have children. Being an aunt is one of my favorite things in life, especially considering my fiance and I are thinking about being child-free. So, naturally, I want to include my niblings in my wedding somehow.
I plan to have my 2 oldest nephews as attendants, my youngest nephew as my ring bearer, and all 6 of my nieces as junior bridesmaids. Nothing over the top and nothing I’m expecting my siblings to drop a ton of time and money into. More of a way to just include the kids.
The kids, the girls especially, seem excited.
Now, an important detail to add is that two of my brothers have families that are very big on their kids’ sports. Every weekend is filled with some kind of practice or competition. It keeps them pretty busy but the kids all seem to enjoy it.
I try to attend as many games for the kids as I can and often help take kids to games when there are scheduling conflicts for my siblings. This is where the issue comes in. When we announced our wedding date (which we did more than a year before the date) and I mentioned that I would like the kids to be a part of the wedding, both of my SILs mentioned that they would have to see what sports looked like.
I was a bit annoyed but didn’t honestly think they would let a sporting event get in the way of a family event.
However, as we have gotten closer, one of the SILs is now saying that they don’t know how much of the wedding their family will be attending.
I mentioned wanting the girls at the rehearsal dinner and walk through and she told me that more than likely they won’t make that because my nephew had a high school baseball game on Friday night (I think it’s important to mention that my nephew is a freshman and this is a varsity game so he may not play).
She also said they probably won’t stay long after the wedding either because my niece has a dance competition on Sunday. She also made a point to say that she had to change my niece’s dance times to Sunday because of my wedding.
This hurt me because I can’t understand how they can’t miss two competitions for their sister’s wedding.
I hate confrontation so I said we would make something work. My parents on the other hand are livid and want to say something because they know my brother will listen to them and they saw how much it upset me when my SIL said something.
So far, I’ve told them not to because I don’t want to create drama and I’m not going to force anyone to be somewhere they don’t want to be. But as things progress I can’t help but feel like maybe I do want them to say something because this is important to me.
So, WIBTJ if I let my parents say something to my brother about how long he plans to attend my wedding?
Edit: To be clear, at this point, it is not a question of who will say something to them. It’s whether I continue to tell my parents to bite their tongue.
I, so far, have been willing to compromise and just say that their being at the ceremony is enough. My parents are the ones that don’t think this is something to compromise over though and keep mentioning talking to my brother and SIL.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your parents are adults, so I don’t see it as you letting them vs. not letting them. They should make that decision on their own. If they want to say something, they can say it on their own accord. If you want something spoken to your brother, then you can say it.
However, you were warned a year in advance that sports would take priority. It would not be fair for you to expect otherwise.
They were a sports-heavy family. In some areas, missing a game/match can bring a penalty. Often times the kid is punished by not being given playing time at future events.
Cruel? Yes! But it happens. It’s hard to say if there would be repercussions without knowing their exact situation. We at least know that they told you a year in advance that they may not be able to commit to anything due to sports. Because of that, it’s unfair of you to expect otherwise.
I understand and agree that weddings should take priority. However, that’s not how everyone views it. They let you know as soon as you announced the date that they could not commit and would have to wait and see on sports, which is exactly what they did.
It is cruddy but is not fair of you to expect otherwise.
I feel no one would be the jerk. They gave advance notice of potential scheduling conflicts. Also, it’s your wedding and your heart is set on involving the kids. Both sides have valid reasons.
You can say something, but just remember that you were warned in advance.” Dilly_Dally4
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – or at least you and your parents would.
Here’s the thing, your wedding is a very exciting once-in-a-lifetime event for you. You have an idealized vision of the event going just so.
Now you’ve attached yourself to this idea of essentially using these children as props. When you state your case, you say it’s because you’re family and family should care, but functionally you’re upset the roles aren’t being filled.
Sports and other extracurriculars are beneficial to kids but highly demanding.
You don’t just get to call off of them, especially if you don’t want to get kicked off, put on the back burner, etc. Not only that, but these aren’t cheap ventures (dance outfits and jerseys are ridiculously priced alone). It’s also possible that the outcomes of these games and competitions may, in time, become a basis for college entries or scholarships indirectly and offer them more opportunities down the road.
I think those kids probably care more about that than your wedding, no offense intended.
With the big picture, I think you should be happy that they were able to fit you in, even move things around. Be grateful for their company. Or, if it’s that important to you, change your date to be in an off-season.” Striking_Winter_9709
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your wedding is important to you because it’s a major event in your life, for you. That doesn’t mean everyone else has to hold it in the same regard as you do.
You want the parents to basically blow off their kid’s things because you don’t feel they’re as important as your wedding.
I disagree and think it’s important to support their kids in what they do.
As for having your parents say something, well, it’s not really their place is it? You guys are adults, so you should be able to handle your problems without having to get your parents involved.
The real decider is this, it doesn’t sound like they’re skipping your wedding, it sounds like they are saying they don’t know how long they’ll be there. That’s perfectly reasonable in my opinion. I married two of my best friends last year and I only stayed for an hour at the reception.” ko-ok-ko
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Share A Room With My Niece?
“Every year my fiancé and I join his family for a week of beaching and family time. We stay with an older family member and bedroom spaces are admittedly limited. My future BIL and SIL are expecting baby number two and my SIL has made a couple of comments about how next summer ‘the toddler will have to sleep with you two so the new baby doesn’t wake her up.’
This is very upsetting to me. I don’t think it should fall on my fiancé and me to take the toddler into our room. We don’t have children of our own and to be honest, a perk of not having children is sleeping through the night and sleeping in the morning.
I am concerned that sleeping with her in our room our sleep would be affected. I know that’s a selfish statement, but it’s also our vacation we’re talking about!
WIBTJ if I put my foot down and say I don’t want to share our room with a toddler?
Edit: We will be politely declining the offer to house the toddler at first and if that doesn’t go well we will be sterner about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t even have kids yet. To expect you to babysit their toddler is ridiculous.
Are they going to give you a crash course in diaper changing, bottle feeding, and burping? They have a lot of nerve, expecting you to care for their child. When parents go on vacation with their kids, they’re expected to take care of their own kids.
If worst comes to worst, see if there’s an available hotel/motel nearby where you can stay.
Next time SIL brings up her brilliant idea of you being her childcare person, gently giggle, and say ‘No way! Fiancé and I are going to practice baby-making every chance we get.’ That should take care of it.
Enjoy your child-free vacation.” BeadsAndReads
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think when it comes down to it, if you have children they should be your responsibility, if you chose to grow your family then you shouldn’t expect the caretaker aspect to fall onto other people.
The biggest thing is that the SIL is pushing the responsibility onto the couple that has no experience with children of their own, so if the child wakes up in the middle of the night or has an ‘accident’, it’s likely that OP and their spouse won’t know how to console/take care of someone else’s kid.
Plus if this is a yearly/semi-regular trip that gets planned often, they could always skip out this year, and then after adjustment to the two-kid lifestyle, they could join for the next one, if anything OP could bring some souvenirs back and/or the family could get together at SIL’s house for some family time to make up for the missed trip.” whovianswag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you are refusing to share a bed with your niece but soft YWBTJ if you’re objecting to having a sleeping space added for your niece.
You’re vacationing with family in a space that doesn’t have enough bedrooms to accommodate everyone individually.
This was bound to happen and privacy may be a more significant issue as the family grows.
As an alternative, you could arrange a stay at a nearby hotel, Air BnB, etc. This way you can pop over for all those fun festivities but still ensure you get the uninterrupted full night’s rest.” do-onto-others
