People Look For Allies Who Side With Them In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Telling My Half Sister Her Mom Is Not My Mom?
“I (17m) live with my father, his wife, and my half-sister Mollie. My parents were going through a divorce when Mollie was born and my mom died. My father had been having an affair, and mom found out about it and kicked him out, just as it came to light that the other woman was pregnant.
Then I lost my mom less than four months later. I was only 7 at the time but not dumb, so I knew what my father had been up to, at least I knew he’d done something bad and didn’t quite understand as much.
The divorce hadn’t been finalized or anything when my mom died so they saw it as a positive that they could get married quicker. My father and his wife told me that we’d be a happy family and that things would be okay.
I told them I knew they were bad and that I wanted to be somewhere else. That was the wrong thing to say because my father’s wife decided she would stop at nothing to win me over and my father and she attempted to convince me that what they had done was a good thing and hurt nobody.
I was about 10 or 11 when I realized calling him my father instead of dad annoyed him. It took a bit longer to realize it sounded colder and less close. So I switched to using it exclusively. It became a sore point.
He hated it. His wife hated being called by her first name and was referred to as my father’s wife. They also hated that I always called Mollie my half-sister.
Mollie has been told repeatedly that we share both parents with each other.
She has been told we are full siblings. She has asked so many times in the last 2 or 3 years why I call ‘mom’ by her name, and why I don’t talk to her like other kids talk about their moms. I told my father and his wife that they needed to tell her.
They said she knows the truth and I’m the person who doesn’t. They said one day I will regret the walls I put up and they will always be there. When it never let up with Mollie, I told them if they did not tell her, I would.
So when she brought it up to me last week I told her that her mom had never been my mother, that we shared a father but my mom had died when I was 7 and her mom was just the woman my father married. She ended up turning her questions on them at which point they went nuts at me and told me I had no right.
Then they told Mollie her mom had always wanted to be my mom too, but I rejected her, which sent her back to me with so many questions, and then she got upset because I told her I didn’t want her mom to be my mother.
She got put in the middle and part of the reason it got so bad is that I told her the truth. I already know what her parents think. AITJ though?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to lie for the sake of your father and stepmother.
They knew how bad they looked and deliberately lied to their daughter. They’re very much a matching pair of jerks. They caused, quite literally, this entire situation and compounded it by demanding that you LIE to cover for THEM. Meaning Mollie wouldn’t have a single person in her family she could trust if you did that.
You’re 100% in the right, and the adults you live with… wow. Just be there for Molly and keep in touch with her once you’re gone and away.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not only were your ‘parents’ abusive emotionally to attempt to force a relationship instead of accepting whatever happened organically they are deluded in terms of thinking that hiding the truth would not create more issues down the line.
It doesn’t even make sense to have attempted to hide it – If they had just told the unvarnished truth – your mother died and therefore you have a stepmother and half-sibling, it wouldn’t have been a big deal to your half-sister.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They, first of all, disrespected your grief, then disrespected the reasonable boundaries you tried to set when they pushed their sanitized ‘family’ makeup on you, and now they’ve weaponized their own child, trying to force you to lie to benefit them in order to save Mollie’s feelings.
Unsurprisingly to all except those two idiots, you continued to do what you’ve done all along, which you’d warned then you’d do: you told the truth. The thing that hurt Mollie is not the truth of who you and she are and that you don’t share a mother.
The thing that is hurting Mollie is finding out her parents are liars. And as she gets older she’s also likely to figure out that it was also them that put her in the middle. Keep being the person she can rely on to go to for the truth.
Yeah, they’re mad at you, for the same reason they’ve always been mad at you. The principles of a 7-year-old child shamed them, and they felt it, but rather than face that they’d both done serious damage to your mother and you and figure out how to fix that, they tried to build you into parroting what they told you.
And only looked so much worse when you didn’t give in to them either! And now again, a 17-year-old’s principles spotlight their lack of any, and they lash out at your rather than do any self-reflection.
You’ve done an excellent job of staying true to who you are despite all the pressure or on your from adults.
Well done. I got a good cackle out of you figuring out very young that ‘father’ was an excellent use of plausible deniability combined with malicious compliance. You’re a smart and honest kid, and I’m sure you’re mother would be proud of you, and that you’ll continue to be someone she’d be fiercely proud of as you move on into adulthood.” ISTFMM
17. AITJ For Asking My Cousin About Her Baby Daddy?
“I (31M) have a 3-month-old baby girl. My baby’s mom and I aren’t together (never were), just slept together a couple of times. We have a friendly co-parenting relationship now.
I have a cousin (27F) who’s currently pregnant. Let’s just say she has a lot of opinions.
My family all got together over the weekend for a potluck. My cousin and I made small talk, and she brought up how she heard about what happened and how can I be sure (if my baby is mine). This isn’t a conversation I particularly wanted to have so I tried to steer around it, but she kept going on about how I really know who the dad is, paternity tests can be faked, this is why casual intercourse is so bad, and so on.
I kind of snapped and asked why she was so insistent on this topic and does she not know who her baby’s dad is. My cousin got extremely upset after that. My aunt (her mom) came up to me later, that I made her upset with my nonsense, and that I should apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Disputing a child’s parentage to their parent is extremely rude. And it wasn’t one comment, it was a full-on attack. Your cousin can try to minimize her insult to you, but it stands as a gross insult.
Your aunt’s minimizing cousin’s rudeness is even more ridiculous. She was insulting you and your child but ended up hoisted on her own petard. In exactly the same company in which she had been attacking you. But you’re the jerk for her ‘feeling embarrassed’ at the party?
It was only YOU who was supposed to feel that way from cousin’s attack! You have nothing to apologize for. You have a right to require an apology from cousin, and Auntie, to drop a strong boundary against their further involvement in your activities.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s none of her business. And if she thinks she can ask you about that then you equally have the right to ask her and ask for a DNA test whilst she’s at it. Why is what you said nonsense but what she said isnt?
Who does that over a family get-together. If anyone is actually concerned it’s a one-on-one conversation with you without judgment but out of concern. And if you said I don’t care about your points of attention then it ends there.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She had no right to ask about your kid’s parentage. And frankly what business is it of hers? Ordinarily, what you said would be jerkish but NTJ here as she started interrogating you about your kid’s paternity, to the point she started getting all conspiracy theories and wouldn’t stop on the subject.
She, therefore, invited the same kind of talk about her own pregnancy.
It sounds like she is sensitive about the issue due to her own experiences. Next time she might learn to keep her opinions to herself.” linerva
16. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Turn My Office Into A Bedroom?
“My husband and I have children before our marriage (he 3 and I 2, all over 30).
We’ve known each other for 6 years.
After my son left home, I rented the house and bought a smaller one with 2be/2ba. One room being my office and another normal.
My husband and I have lived together in ‘my’ house for 2y and we split the bills 1/2.
But because my husband lost his old job and isn’t earning as much in the new one, the bills are 3/4 for me.
Our house is not a good place to receive visitors, because they have to stay on a mattress in the living room.
I don’t let them sleep in the office because that is my place of work. Currently, almost 80% of my appointments are on vídeo call (I’m a psychologist), so I need a reserved place and there are a lot of patient documents, so no…
visits there.
One of my husband’s children, Logan (32M), is visiting our country (5y abroad) and after staying at his mother’s house, he came to see my husband.
We invite him to stay for a few days. My husband is over the moon with Logan present, and although I say our house is not the best place for long visits, he insisted that Logan stays at home for another 2 weeks.
The first week after that went fine.
But Friday, my husband came to talk to me, suggesting that in these last days that Logan stays here, he stay in the office (puts things against the wall) because he wants to accommodate his son better, and it’s sad to see him not having privacy, even to sleep.
I remembered my warning about not being the best place for this and that I’m not giving up my office because I work in it.
He started to say that the comfort of a visitor should come first and that I can use our room as a place of work, and he leaves the room for that.
It would only be a few days like this (10 days).
I was pretty annoyed and said look, if my job is important to keep the house bills paid, then really, work comes first. It’s a few days, but for 8 days, I had patients all morning/afternoon.
You knew the house wasn’t the best place for this and insisted, so it’s on you. But my office is essential to my work.
He began to say that I was rubbing his face and that I only support the house, but as my partner, I should be committed to helping my stepson get comfort.
He’s mad at me for keeping my answer and honestly, I’ve never noticed anything from Logan.
I just really feel that if the office were his place of work, it wouldn’t be an option.
AITJ?
The other 20% I work in another city for a clinic with these patients.”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is fine with setting you on fire to keep his grown son warm. I’d be furious and disappointed in him if I were you.
That is not a crafts room. That’s where you work. He needs to respect that.
If he wants a house that can accommodate guests, then he can buy one. Until then, he needs to be reasonable and rational, which he seemed to have abandoned altogether at this point.
He doesn’t care that this will affect your livelihood, he just wants your office so his son will be a little more comfortable.
How selfish can he be?
Sounds like he may take some satisfaction in sabotaging your work because you’re more successful than he is. Not a great quality in a spouse. NTJ” SammyLoops1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are not rubbing anything in his face.
He may feel that he is being an inadequate host to his son, but he needs to get over that. Your home office is your workspace 80% of the time. You need to keep your files secure. They cannot be secure if your husband or your son is in the same room as the files.
A mattress in the living room is what you can offer visitors to your home. Your husband needs to accept that because he has no reasonable claim to the space that must be used regularly during this 10-day period to provide the majority of your family income.
I know it may be more than your husband can pay for, but it might be a sweet (and appreciated gesture) if you offered to pay for a hotel room for the two of them to enjoy for two days.
They could even be on weekdays (lower room rate). It might be like a mini-vacation for both of them. You can offer it to your husband before doing anything to be sure he likes the idea.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You made a house and business decision years ago. Smaller house (2 bedrooms). One bedroom for a home office, not a guest room. If your husband wanted a guest bedroom, he should have brought it up before you moved into your current residence.
A home office is an office located at home. It should be treated and respected like an office. I know some people do a hybrid home office guest room, but that is not your situation at all – because that is not what you agreed to.
If you would decide that a guest room is necessary (because this is what your husband wants without saying the words ‘guest room’), then you would either have to find a three-bedroom house, build a third bedroom or have you rent an office somewhere and keep everything there and work from there.
Either option is a big financial obligation that you two need to discuss seriously.
This is not about Logan or some other visitor being comfortable. This is about changing your financial arrangement and your house.” Coraline1599
15. AITJ For Saying My Mom She Was Never A Mother To Me?
“When I was 9 my sister and mom got into a bad car accident. My mom got a broken arm and my sister could no longer use her legs. My mom came home and told me to pack my stuff because I’m gonna live with my grandparents for a while.
During that time, my mom did not come to any of my birthdays, graduation, or everything important. She didn’t come to visit me even when I cried over the phone begging her not to leave me alone. After a bit, a while turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and eventually, months turned into years.
Now my mom recently found out that I got accepted into college and will be starting in 2023. For the first time ever I got a phone call from her; telling me she was proud of me. She told me, she, my older sister, and our grandparents should all come together to celebrate I told her no thank you, as a party isn’t necessary since it’s only 2022.
She brushed that off and told me, that it doesn’t matter, and this is a big celebration, I again said no and told her that I have to go. She showed up at my grandparents’ house pretty mad for me brushing her off, she brought my sister with and she was mad too.
My mom went off at me, telling me how I’m being a selfish daughter and that she was just trying to be a good mother. My sister agreed and called me a selfish jerk. I told my mom she was never a mom to me, I reminded her how she didn’t come home when I begged and this is the first time I’m seeing her in many many years.
After this, some words were exchanged and the police were called. My grandparents agreed with me and told me that I don’t have anything to worry about. But my mom’s side is ignoring me and calling me a jerk while my dad’s side is quiet, I’m not mad at them for this because even tho my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 they still went to a lot of my events.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I have no idea what justification your mother is using for her abandonment, and for now, pretending like that abandonment shouldn’t be consequential.
Your sister, on the other hand, may be under the influence of your mother’s thinking and storytelling – especially if she’s younger than you, but even if she’s not.
Your relationship with her might still be salvageable.
Here’s a conversation you could have with her: Presumably, she has friends who are not paralyzed, and who have full use of their bodies. Presumably, some of those friends have parents and siblings.
We’ll call one of these friends ‘Abby’ for simplicity’s sake. If, God forbid, Abby’s sister was in a car crash and became permanently paralyzed, would it be OK for Abby’s mom to leave her at her grandparents’ house and literally not see her for EIGHT YEARS?
I’m assuming your sister’s mindset right now is that you haven’t suffered the way she’s suffered, therefore you have no right to be upset. The conversation above is to try to guide her outside of the competition mindset. I can’t say whether being abandoned by your mom for half of your childhood is better or worse than losing your ability to control your legs – neither of these things has happened to me.
But it doesn’t matter which is worse, because they’re both objectively very bad. This isn’t a bummer situation like you couldn’t join the ski team cos your sister’s medical care was expensive – your mom literally didn’t lay eyes on you for most of a decade, when she could have chosen otherwise.” Keetchaz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But just a tiny thing to mention to the little 9 yo in you that’s probably still hurting, you didn’t cause her to treat you like that.
Sometimes parents make terrible decisions, though to them at the moment, it feels like a good one.
I’m not excusing your mother at all, what she did was lousy.
But just to give you an alternative view: Your sister was recently paralyzed, maybe your mother thought it would be easier to handle this new challenge by letting you stay with your capable grandparents, and she focused on your sister’s recovery.
Maybe in her ignorance and bad logic, she thought that not talking to you would make it easier for you to focus on things other than your sister and how life at your mom’s home had changed.
You were 9, it must have felt like rejection and abandonment.
I hope you’re doing better with those feelings now. She really should have at least spoken with you over the years, and still tried to be a mom. She had two kids. I’m sorry that she made poor choices. Congrats on your acceptance, keep working hard!” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom abandoned you at 9 years old. You tried to keep the relationship going even though you were living with your grandparents. After all this time, 9ish years, your mom tried to foist herself back into your life?
I don’t get it.
You are allowed to be hurt, still, by her actions. You don’t have to let her come and take the credit for your successes. It sounds like she is happy to celebrate now that you turned out okay, but she hasn’t cared before now.
I think some wounds are too deep to just shrug off. And so keep your boundaries, and protect yourself. Appreciate the family that has nurtured you.
Do let your family know your side of it. No one with a conscience is going to think that ignoring you through half your life and then pulling back in now is great parenting.
I say this not because I think it will change their minds necessarily, but because you have the right to defend yourself when you’re attacked.” Jami_No_E
14. AITJ For Causing A Fight Between My Partner And His Aunt?
“I’ve known my partner’s family for years and they can be difficult towards outsiders, so I agreed with him when he suggested we kept our relationship quiet.
Unfortunately, his family found out and his grandfather told him he had to bring me to a party he was hosting.
When I went to the restroom, I bumped into his aunt who implied I was dressed like an escort.
I was expecting somebody to say something nasty to me, but I didn’t expect it to bother me so much. I was feeling self-conscious so I asked my partner if he thought I looked like an escort. He knew something was up and asked me who had said I looked like one.
I denied it and told him it didn’t matter but he figured it out himself that it was his aunt.
He confronted her and made a scene in front of the other guests and eventually his dad made us all go into another room.
His aunt, and some of his other family members, said I was a troublemaker because she never outright called me an escort and I just jumped to the wrong conclusion. They think I purposefully twisted things to see if my partner would fight with his family for me, which isn’t true but now I think I shouldn’t have said anything because his reaction was predictable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Marry that man before he gets away, there are many many many many people who would have not stood up for their partner in this situation. Then there are many people who would say ‘cool we are leaving’ and not have confronted and stood up for their partner but still would have ensured their emotional safety away from the family.
It’s pretty rare to find someone who will instantly go to bat when their family has been disrespectful to their partner. Good luck in the future.” Chelular07
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why would someone make a comment like this? How old is this aunt?
I am an old lady and I would NEVER in a million years say that to someone. You were hurt and said so. She was out of line, rude, and a troublemaker. On a side note, it sounds like his family is truly sickening and I think you and your partner are going to have to decide what steps to take to avoid this family at all costs.
If you care about your partner, know that this family isn’t going away, sadly. It sounds as if they are jerks all the way around.” Wishiwashome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can wear whatever you want, and the fact that his aunt wanted to say something disrespectful then that’s on her.
Of course, they would try to gaslight you by saying you took it out of context because you were the outsider in this situation so she knew her family would take her side except for your partner.
I’m happy he stood up for you.
That’s a good man right there. Let the old lady shrivel up over some extra skin. PFFFFT!” y********y
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Time With My Old Mom?
“I (45f) have been told by family members I’m being a jerk because I don’t spend time with my mother who is 78 y/o and lives alone now or that I don’t do anything for her.
Growing up my brother was always her golden child. He was perfect and there was nothing that I did that was good enough for her. I always heard things like can’t you put on a little bit of make-up to try to look nice?
Can’t you fix your hair, is that really what you’re wearing out, well your brother has A’s in that class why can’t you get A’s in that class. This even went on into my adulthood.
After I had my first child she always told me how horrible of a mother I was because I would get a babysitter to go run errands and that I should’ve taken my daughter with me or should’ve let her watch my daughter instead of a babysitter and that made me a horrible mother.
She would do things like call my home and if I didn’t answer immediately she would continue to call and leave messages that would become increasingly more belligerent to the point of the last called me and she was going to call CPS because she knew I had to be doing something wrong and my daughter wasn’t being taken care of.
This continued for years until about five years ago when I married my current husband and he put up firm boundaries with her and even after marrying my husband she would do things like come into our yard and dig up our hostas because she wanted some of them and thought this was fine because I’m her daughter so she should be allowed to do so.
Now she lives alone and she tells her family how lonely she is and nobody visits. Since I live close she doesn’t understand why I don’t come by and spend time with her or do things for her now.
Family members are contacting me saying I’m being a jerk because she’s my mother and since she raised me and I’m successful now that I should be doing more for her.
I’m being pressured to go to my mother’s home and spend time with her.
Anytime that I do spend time with her there is always some criticism of something that I’m doing wrong and I just don’t wanna hear it.
Am I being the jerk for not giving in and listening to the criticism and spending time with her since she’s old and alone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother didn’t respect you and didn’t treat you the way a mother should treat her daughter. Now in her old age, she has the audacity to demand proper treatment from the child she has neglected and mistreated all her life.
She’s a very toxic person. Please stay away from her, and don’t let her interfere with your life. And if your relatives feel sorry for her, they can visit her themselves. I’m glad your hubby protects and defends you! Live your life the way you think is best for you and your family, and disregard mean comments from your relatives.
All the best!” mkirak74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But if you want you can use this as a personal therapy session. Go visit her regularly, but prepare a letter for her about an incident when she failed you. And read it to her, especially how you felt in this moment and what you wished she had done differently.
And bring a new letter for the next visit and the next. Don’t be mean, just read to her how it was for you. This way you also take control over your relationship with her for once. You can use it to overcome a little bit of all the damage she has done to you (and you still suffer) by getting it off your own shoulders to carry around.
Yes, sure, she is older now, but you know, it’s never too late to apologize and become a better person.
There is a small chance she really listens to you and will better herself, or she will be in denial and asks you to not come over again.
Either way, it would be a win for you, as far as I understand.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If you feel like appeasing them, and I don’t see why you would tell your mom that you will come to visit, but if she says anything negative about you or your family, you will immediately leave, whether it’s been 37 seconds or not.
Every time you leave like this, you will not return for at least two weeks. For every visit that she criticizes, double the length of time between visits. If you have a nice visit without her being a judgemental jerk, maybe a week or two between visits comes off, but it sounds like by the time you visit 4 or 5 times you won’t be visiting for almost a year, and then after that, it’ll be years between visits.” dragon34
12. AITJ For Not Inviting All Of My Sister's Kids To My Wedding?
“I (f25) got married to my husband (m25) in August.
We kept it small and simple and didn’t want too many guests due to budget, so we only invited close family members and friends.
My older sister ‘Dawn’ (f38) has ten children (m17, f16, m14, f10, f9, m7, m5, m3, m3 and m1). My parents and the rest of my family aren’t religious, but Dawn and her husband are very hardcore Christians and believe that having lots of children is God’s will.
Obviously, inviting all of my nieces and nephews would be quite a cost. My wedding isn’t child-free, but my husband and I decided it would be fairest if we only invited Dawn’s three eldest kids.
I talked to Dawn about it and explained our reasoning, but she was really offended and said that I’m picking favorites.
I told her I’m sorry, but ten kids is a big cost on our wedding budget and that we tried to be as fair as possible.
Dawn accused me of being a bridezilla and thinking I’m too good for her and her family.
I told Dawn if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to come, but that she’s my sister and I really want her at the wedding.
Dawn, her husband, and three eldest did come to the wedding, but with other family members bringing small children, everyone was asking her why not all of their kids were there.
After the wedding, Dawn has been very off around me lately. She told me she ‘understands how I feel about her babies’ and said that I’m a bad sister and a terrible aunt and has accused me of not respecting her religion and lifestyle.
My parents and other siblings have been making comments like, ‘don’t get too excited for XYZ. OP said only three people can come because there’s too many of us.’
The comments have been getting to me a bit and I’m wondering if I was the jerk.
ETA: my husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves. I didn’t want to ask my parents or Dawn for help with paying for anything because neither of them have a lot of money. If Dawn offered to help cover costs so all of her kids could come I wouldn’t have a problem.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sister’s family is 12 people! How many guests did op budget for at her SMALL wedding? 30? 50?
How big of a slice would sis’s 12-person family get of the wedding guest pie, metaphorically speaking?
It was her choice to have 10 children.
No one else is required to accommodate that decision, financially or otherwise. She may believe in having a ‘quiverfull’ life, but that choice comes with its own unique quiver full of problems.
Honesty, who expects to have their whole 12-person family invited to a wedding?
It’s not like it was the weekly Sunday bbq.
Yes, it would’ve been a cleaner decision to just make it child-free. Though, honestly, any choice you made here would have annoyed people. I commend you for localizing the solution of the problem to the actual source of the problem.” MissAnthropy_YIKES
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You let your other siblings and your husband’s siblings bring their kids. If you let your sister bring all of hers then no one else could have brought kids and you would have had many angry adults.
Also, let’s not neglect you said you had 40 people at the wedding. If you added all the kids that would have been 1/5 of the wedding just your sister’s family. Her right to have kids but people can’t afford to pay for all her kids at events and this may happen again.
You should have said everyone got to take 3 children. And let them know if they wanted them all they should have paid. You paid for her 3 kids. The same amount you paid for other people’s kids. Why are her kids more important than the other family members’ kids.” kbmeow0326
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in my opinion.
You were pretty reasonable in offering to let her bring the 3 eldest. I would have stopped at two at most or just not included children in the wedding at all. 10 children is an insane expense, and some of them are so young she wouldn’t be even able to stop them from running around and getting into trouble.
Kids like to scream, and cry, and break stuff. 6 of them are at the age where they’re very curious and have zero filters too. You can imagine the trouble they’d cause and half the wedding would turn into babysitter mode just for her to attend.
Part of me wonders about her attending the wedding despite struggling for money or if she was just hoping to get a free meal for all of her brood. The wedding is meant to be about the bride and groom, not how many of her gremlins she can drag to the ceremony itself (most of which are too young to really care about the importance of the day) and feed them from the catering.
In short, I don’t think you’re a bridezilla. That many kids at a wedding are insane for one person. Maybe consider dropping this person because I can only see this kind of behavior continuing. Just wait until other people have to cater to the 10 kids when she goes to any event that serves food, let’s see how they act then.” LogicalShockwave
11. AITJ For Not Having A Father-Daughter Dance At My Wedding?
“My dad passed away when I was 7 years old. He was my favorite person, my mom’s favorite person (at the time), and I kind of think he was the person who could complement our personalities enough for us to be super close.
Even as a little kid, I kind of knew that. It broke the two of us when he died. But then she found someone else, she found Luke. She married Luke when I was 9, and he became her person. Luke, upon realizing my dad had been the parent I was closest to, tried to fill that space, and was unwilling to listen when I said that space was reserved for my dad.
It caused some tension. Over time I let some things go. They would call themselves my parents or my mom and dad. I always called him Luke. I always told people close to me about my dad and would make sure it was known Luke was not ‘dad.’
Now our relationship (that I am several years out of their house) is amicable but not close. I don’t hate them but my mom and I still don’t mesh well and Luke still wants to fill that role my dad had and I still don’t want him to.
Ever since I got engaged my mom has been more present. She has told me how she always dreamed of this day, etc. Over time she brought up how she and Luke couldn’t wait to see him walk me down the aisle and give me my father-daughter dance and how they were excited to be mom and dad of the bride.
I told her none of that was happening. She told me it was always her dream though. That from the time she found out she was expecting a girl she couldn’t wait to watch me on my dad’s arm and in his arms for a dance.
I told her that was possible when dad was alive, but not when he was gone. She told me it was still possible.
There was still my dad (Luke) and he deserved it, they both did. I told her I was walking with my fiance and no father-daughter dance would happen.
I told her he was not going to be listed as the father of the bride anywhere because he is not my father. I ended up telling her to leave and I went back to less contact. Then my mom showed up unannounced and started to tell me all about this dream again.
What it meant to her and I told her clearly, without hesitation, that her dream stopped being possible when my dad died because he was not here to do that stuff and that Luke was never going to be filling my dad’s role for me.
I told her she might be able to switch them out easily but I was not.
She left in tears, telling me I had punished her for moving on and punished ‘my dad’ for not being Cal (my dad). That she and ‘my dad’ deserved better than that and I was spiteful.
AITJ?
Edited to add more additional details:
Luke: He cut up cards I had made/given my dad for Father’s Day, that my dad had kept safe before he died, and cut up the back and left the front and then turned them into a collage and acted like they were cards I had given him.
When my mom and he brought out my birth certificate for something, he told me he couldn’t wait to see his name on it instead of ‘the old husband’.
He told me my dad had done nothing special and that he could do what my dad had done for me and my mom, but better.
Mom: My mom just erased my dad from and added Luke too. Then expected me to do the same. She even went as far as taking photo frames that had stuff like ‘our family’ or ‘dad and daughter’ and replacing them with photos that included Luke instead of my dad.
She also told me more than once that Luke was ‘our new favorite person’ or would say ‘dad’s our favorite person like always’ and it was always in reference to Luke.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As always in these things, your wedding, your rules.
And having someone escort you down the aisle is a truly personal thing, so choose who you want, even if that’s alone.
I have always found the whole daddy/daughter dance very weird and frankly a little creepy – but it seems like we don’t see them here (UK) very often and are mostly common in the US.
I truly don’t understand why your mum’s attached to this idea – particularly because it’s not the dad she originally imagined that would be doing it anyway if she got her way now.
But more importantly, it’s normal for parents to have some level of expectations and ideas for what their child’s future – and within that, wedding – may look like.
And I get that it’s difficult to let some of those things go, but that’s literally what being a parent is. Allowing your child to become their own person and make their own decisions. So she just needs to get over herself frankly.
That all being said – weddings aren’t actually just about the couple getting married, despite what Reddit always says. It is literally a celebration of your relationship with people you love (unless you choose to do it privately of course), so taking what other people want/would like into account should be part of the planning process.
You just need to figure out which bits are important to you, so you decide if making your mum happy is worth the sacrifice of including your stepdad in this way. It is, as always, your choice and you’re NTJ if this is your decision, all you’ve done so far is explain this boundary to your mum.” alwaysbuyingflowers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am so sorry for how horribly your mother and Luke have treated you. Especially your mother who should have protected you. Your dad sounds like he was a lovely person. No one is obliged to treat some person their parent decides to date or marry as family, let alone a replacement father.
Good parents and step-parents encourage children to have a healthy bond with their parents and in the case of a parent passing away to honor their memory. That certainly didn’t happen for you and that’s awful.
Do not feel bad.
Do not have Luke walk you down the aisle. Why don’t you do some stuff to honor your father during your wedding? You could have mentioned him in the program. You could have a collage of pictures of you and him entitled father of the bride at the wedding.
Instead of a father-daughter dance, you could show a video of a photo collage.” seejess2r53
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would have gone with ‘everyone sucks here’ because he did support you and your mother and ought to be mentioned somewhere in the wedding information.
But, he lost all of that right when he tried to force himself into the role of your father and kept doing it. Your mom is equally to blame for trying to force you into this. You COULD have had a great relationship with the guy, but as long as he insisted that it be father/daughter he shot himself in the foot.
Normally I’d say he earned a spot (NOT walking you though! Maybe a toast or mention?) in your wedding… but your mom pretty much put a stop to that.” maroongrad
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Stay With Me?
“I (29F) moved to a new country and got married a couple of weeks ago.
It was lovely, my husband (30M) and I had a small ceremony with the most important people in our lives in attendance. My family from the states stayed in an Airbnb while here for the week, and even though they weren’t staying with me, it was honestly extremely stressful at times.
My mom essentially expected me to plan all of their activities that didn’t have to do with my wedding, and I paid for all of their cabs because their US credit cards weren’t working for the taxi app. She said she would pay me back but never did.
My mom and her husband are also vegan and expected me to find vegan-friendly meals for them, which fortunately in the city was accessible. I live more in the countryside though, so if you’re vegan, you kind of have to cook at home.
Once my family left I felt a wave of relief. I love them and I was so happy to have them here, but I am still winding down from the entire event and just now getting into a daily-life routine with my husband.
Today I get a text from my stepdad saying he wants to get my mom a ticket for Christmas to come to see me and asked me when the best time would be. I know she will expect to stay with me, as when she was here and I was giving her a little apartment tour, she called my husband’s office ‘her future bedroom.’ He works from home and needs the office during weekdays, this comment stressed me out a lot but I just nodded and laughed because I figured it would be a while before she would come to visit again.
My family has always stayed with each other when visiting, but my husband’s family always books accommodation for themselves and I honestly love it. My husband and I are both super introverted, we don’t like hosting parties or having people stay over.
If we visit other people, we book our own hotel.
When I got that text today, I felt a wave of stress wash over me because not only is it hosting my mom for a week or more, it’s planning ahead to get food for her meals, it’s paying for every cab we take to go somewhere (I don’t drive here yet or even have a job), it’s planning every event of the week for her, and I feel like I just finished doing that a couple of weeks ago.
I know it’s been hard on her that I’ve moved to a new country, and I do love hanging out with her. I just feel like I haven’t had a second to breathe and get settled.
I told my stepdad I was going to talk to my husband and will get back to him soon.
I haven’t brought it up to my husband yet, I’m going to do that after we have dinner tonight. Part of me feels like a jerk because her only daughter has moved across the ocean and all she wants to do is see me, and here I am complaining about being a host for a week.
AITJ for not wanting my mom to stay with me?”
Another User Comments:
“The way you’ve described everything, no, I don’t think you are the jerk.
You’re newlyweds. You need your space. It’s not like you’re living in a big house with lots of room.
The expectation is that your husband will give up his office, but if he does that, how will he be able to work? It’s just not practical.
I do feel for your mom. I only have one child, a daughter.
A grown-up one. When she first left home I really struggled with it. It’s hard when your kids grow up. Still, when it happens and they become independent and successful, it means the parents did a good job.
Your mom is going to feel hurt when you tell her.
But tell her you must. Is there a nice hotel near where you live? If so, suggest it. Explain your husband’s office is not a bedroom and he cannot work without it.
Good luck with it all. NTJ” TrayMc666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You will be able to create the necessary distance between your mother and yourself, but it is going to hurt. Be prepared for this. It is a required step in order to have your own life with your new husband.
It is a pity that you cannot excuse yourself from the demands of work. That would have been helpful. As it is, you will just have to explain to her, much as you have here, that it is simply too much.
It will not work for you and your husband to have her stay with you, as your husband needs his office for his work. It will not work for you to be your mother’s event planner, because you are trying to get into a routine and find your feet in a new marriage, a new home, and a new country.
All of it is reasonable, and reasonable people wouldn’t even ask.” SnooSprouts6712
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are in your own space with your husband now and know how you both feel with regard to visitors. Your mom is different.
Tell her you would love to see her but cannot accommodate her in your apartment as your husband needs space to work and it will all feel too cramped with you all there all the time. Offer to find her a BnB or look for some hotel specials.
Also, remind her to sort out her credit card for this trip as you will not be able to afford cab fares and food.
It sounds harsh but manage the expectations now rather than not and then it becomes more difficult to set the boundaries later on.” Various-Bridge-325
9. AITJ For Frowning Up My Sister Taking A Bath With Her Husband?
“My (f32) sister (f28) and her husband (m32) moved in with us 2 days ago after they lost their apartment to medical debts for their child (my nephew). My husband and I are more than happy to have them stay for a few weeks til they get this resolved.
However, yesterday at 7 pm, I was in the kitchen when my husband rushed in and said that he saw both my sister and her husband walk out of the bathroom. They’d most likely taken a shower together. My husband said that it irked him, and I agreed that what they did was somewhat inappropriate.
He asked me to speak to my sister on the matter and I did. She got defensive asking how this is affecting me or my husband in any way. I told her that it made my husband feel uncomfortable and would rather that they just take their showers separately.
She started ranting about being overwhelmed by their son’s health problems and not having some alone time together as a married couple and found this activity as a bonding time to spend together. I apologized for how she felt but requested that she just do as asked. She got mad at me and said that I was being inconsiderate and she didn’t understand my husband’s hangup on what she and her husband do.
We started arguing and she stormed off to the guest room where my nephew and BIL are.
She’s not speaking to me but my husband said I did the right thing by speaking to her and setting this boundary.
AITJ?
Am I (and my husband) overreacting to this?
Some Infos:
My husband did not mention hearing anything, just that he saw them get out of the bathroom. And yes they were clothed.
It’s the only bathroom in the house.
They spent approximately 10+ in the shower according to my husband.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s very generous of you to put your sister, her husband, and their child up in your house. However, you and your husband do need to be okay with the fact that they’re going to be physically intimate with each other in your house – they’re adults, they have needs, and it’s not reasonable to place demands like this on them as if they’re teenagers.
They’re not doing this in front of you. They’re not affecting you in any way, besides the murky knowledge that they’re taking showers together in your house. If you can’t handle this, where do you draw the line? No kissing at the dinner table?
No TV after 10 pm?
You’re not being generous with your space if you’re placing unreasonable expectations on them while they’re supposed to be living in your house as their home.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I get your house your rules.
But I just want to point out that your sister and her husband are going through a really hard time. It sounds like your nephew was critically ill, they lost their home, and have to spend every second of every day working, caring for their son (and apparently being monitored by your husband).
You would deny them 20 minutes of alone time to just be a couple. It’s not intercourse (probably) or sleeping, it’s just time to be together, to care for each other to be physically intimate in a kind and loving way.
These kinds of hardships end marriages because people stop taking the time to remember each other as a partner.
Your husband is a pearl-clutching, busybody. I hope that if you ever need help, kindness, or compassion someone can offer it without such rigid rules of decorum.
People often conflate physical affection with intercourse. It’s not the same thing. Being physically affectionate releases important bonding and love hormones. They’re trying to hold it together, just let them be.
My parents shower together every day. They’re in their 60s, it started out for practical reasons but now it’s just a habit and alone time before they start their separate work/social lives every day.
They’ve been married for 43 years.’ Sassy-Pants_888
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
More than that, your husband is more of a jerk.
They lost their place in medical debt taking care of their child. Which has to be an absolute nightmare of a time in their life.
Even more so to have to move into your place to get back on their feet.
Your husband then timed them in the bathroom and immediately went to taddle on them to you within 48 hours of them moving in.
Maybe they just needed to have a cry in the shower over their horrible circumstances.
Maybe they just wanted 10 minutes to hold each other after a rollercoaster of the past few days/weeks/months of constant stress from the medical issues + losing their home.
There are many occasions when married or long-term relationship couples even want 10 minutes (which is hardly a long shower) just to unwind or have some closeness without intercourse.
To even manage full-on intercourse plus two people getting bathed in 10 minutes? Come on now.
You and your husband are acting extremely holier than thou with this. Is he always this juvenile when it comes to other couples being close or is it just because it’s your sister.” Switch_heart
8. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Find New Friends?
“My (26M) partner (24F) Annie has been in this group of friends for about 10 years; we’ve been together for just under a year. They all met in school and remained friends, and apparently were all very close for the few years after graduation.
They would hang out almost every weekend and they used to have a tradition where they’d go to the mall and buy matching shirts or hats or whatever. This was well before I met her.
About four months ago she found out they had all gone shopping without her and she was devastated. This is when she told me that over the years she had been feeling left out by the group.
Slowly she noticed the invites to wine nights become less frequent and started to see on social media that the gang hung out without her. Apparently, the main group was growing in size but she was continuously left out. I consoled her and tried to take her mind off it.
Last night she found out they had gone on a cheese + wine tour the previous weekend, all of course without her knowing. This was only two weeks after she had got lunch with one of the main girls of the group and had a great time.
She called me and was incredibly depressed and crying about how she felt so lonely without them. She was blaming herself and saying how she wanted to call them all up and ask them why they hated her so much.
After like 10 minutes I said, ‘I know you love these people, but you deserve friends who want to spend time with you, not friends who make you feel like this’.
She went quiet and then said ‘you wouldn’t understand. I’ve known these people for almost half my life.
They mean so much to me. You’re well out of line here. How dare you’ and then hung up. Later I got this awful text saying that I was heartless to suggest she walk away rather than offering solutions to fix it and that she needed time to think.
I went to a friend of mine for advice and he also said what I said was out of line, that I just don’t understand female friendships, and that I should have kept my nose out of it. But a female friend of mine said what I said was OK.
At this point, I just want to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Ultimately, no jerks here. You provided a solution that sounds good and is logical – after all, if something continues to be a negative influence in your life, why not just cut it out?
But… that’s kind of making it too simple, isn’t it? Your partner has been friends with them for 10 years. There is history there you probably don’t know. Maybe it’s better for her to ditch them, but saying ‘drop them, find better friends’ after 10 years probably sounds to her like telling a depressed person to get over it and be happy.
Like… she feels sad and lonely. Telling her to cut off her core social group without exploring other means, like telling her to talk to them (she even wanted to call them to clear the air – why didn’t she?), or pursuing other ways to make her less dependent on them (be it hobbies, or therapy, or whatever), would make her… sad and lonelier.
Let’s say she follows your advice and cuts them off. Then what? How will she fill that hole of 10 years? Even if it’s an unhealthy dynamic, will you be able to fulfill that role, or support her while she tries?
It’s super easy to come up with one-liners that will magically solve everything, it’s AFTERWARDS that’s hard.
Your advice came with good intentions. But she’s also right – it’s not really helpful to her now, and I can see why it came across as dismissive.” t-rex_on_a_bike
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you also have to keep in mind that it can be hard to just up and leave people, even more so when those people are a good chunk of who you thought was your support network that you could fall back on
She probably should talk to her friend group to see if she either did something wrong or if they’re just trashy enough to kick her out for no reason
She also should probably make more friends, she seems a bit too… reliant??
on this current friend group considering they aren’t being great right now. You can actually help with this! Maybe you can find some classes or things like a book club that you guys can check out together to try and encourage her to make some other friends.
Even if she doesn’t, you might find something you like doing as a couple anyway
Before you do that, however, you might want to apologize for making her more upset/feel like you aren’t interested in helping her. Not for your words, because you are right.
Chances are she was just having an emotional moment and lashed out because she wasn’t hearing what she wanted to hear: that this was a fixable thing.
It very well could be, but honestly, it just feels like they’re trying to drop her as a friend without telling her WHY.
That’s an awful thing to do even if your partner did something awful to them.
Best of luck to both of you.” sbmskxdudn
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’ve been in your partner’s shoes, had the same friends for years but they slowly started cutting me off.
It sucked. So I can tell that she’s hurting and probably wasn’t in the best state of mind (no excuse for her blowing up at you, but maybe an explanation as to why). My advice is if she’s calling to vent, ask her if she wants advice or just needs to let it out.
Being that they have been friends for so long, I think your response was a bit harsh sounding to her.
A better solution would be to advise her to talk to them about what’s going on and that she’s been feeling left out.
I have a suspicion that this may have started when you guys started going out and maybe she was less interested in hanging out with her friends and more into being all about her partner. I don’t think this is something that’s gonna break you guys, but you should have a conversation with her.” Striking_Ad_6573
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, have you ever thought that Maybe she is the toxic one in the friend group? Maybe they don’t want to hang around her because of her behavior. It seems like they’ve been trying to distance themselves from her.
It doesn’t make them toxic people or jerks because they don’t want to hang out with her.
And what’s up with your friend? You literally gave normal advice. Common sense. And the advice you gave is exactly what you would tell someone if they felt the way that she feels.
Maybe she should just walk away from these friends.
Sounds like your partner needs to realize the world does not revolve around her. They are allowed to go out and do stuff with each other without having to invite her she is not entitled to an invitation just because they’ve known each other for a decade.
Are you sure you want to stay with someone that would treat you that way? That would so quickly get angry like that when you were trying to help her?
She owes you an apology for her behavior. It’s that simple.” rainbow_mak3r
7. AITJ For Staying At My Brother's House?
“My brother (42M) and his fiancé (39F) are getting married. I (36M) live with my parents, who are in their 80’s. My brother pays rent for the home. However, he lives in his apartment but will soon be moving back into his house and told me he wants me to move out, knowing I can’t afford my own apartment.
I am a military reserve part-time soldier and my brother is a mailman & realtor. My parents and I have lived with my brother for 10 years now and now he wants me to move out without having any sort of plan or housing arrangement in place for me.
He knows I don’t make much, only roughly 12k a year since I only work once every weekend, or when I am getting scheduled for drill – which obviously isn’t often.
I told him that I would move if he would allow me to live inside the apartment that he is currently living at but he has declined and won’t allow me to without giving any sort of reasoning.
I feel it is his fiancé who encouraged him to go down this endeavor of putting me onto the streets, so suddenly, when my brother never mentioned any of the such on having any feelings of me moving out. In our culture, it is common for a family to live together under one roof.
I told him there is no way I am moving unless I am being allowed to stay in the apartment.
Edit – I would also like to add that I’ve been in the military since 2013 and do volunteer work once a month aside from doing drills.
I am also a full-time content creator with gaming, so I am not just doing nothing.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – just thinking you could get by on a Reservists ‘salary.’
YTJ – thinking that it was perfectly acceptable and ADULT to have your BROTHER, not even your parents, for Pete’s sake, pay your way through life.
YTJ – believing that ANY OTHER ADULT would and COULD continue to pay for your lifestyle forever. I mean common what was your plan had your brother passed away tomorrow?
YTJ – trying to shift the blame onto your future sister-in-law.
That’s some messed up sexist thing to assume that.
But even IF it’s true, YTJ for now expecting someone else to have to financially support your obviously capable but lazy butt.
YTJ – because in all of this, not once did you think about how any of this is going to affect your geriatric parents!
Where are they supposed to go?
Go enlist full-time and learn some self-respect, self-motivation, and basic common sense.” VonShtupp
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are nearly 40 years old, you’ve been living with your brother since you were 26. Okay, sure, being in your 20s, and trying to get things figured out is acceptable, but this is utterly ridiculous at this point.
I’m glad he’s finally putting his foot down. It’s about time. And stop blaming the fiance, you’ve overstayed your welcome by nearly a decade, and that’s entirely on you. And spare me the culture excuse, you’re too old to not be carrying your own weight.
And it’s not like you’re being a burden on your parents, you’re being a burden on your brother. And you only work once a weekend? Good, that leaves you a lot of time to get a proper job to cover rent when you move out.” Tricky-Flamingo-7491
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are a selfish freeloader. You have been mooching off your brother and parents for years. It’s long overdue for you to stand on your own two feet. Stop being so lazy. You could get another job with more hours so you could earn funds.
And even if you’re supposed to live with your parents you should be helping support them, not selfishly and greedily demanding that your brother pays for everything.
Grow up, jerk. If you insist on staying you’ll be nothing but a selfish, lazy squatter who refuses to work to support himself.
And I bet that in your culture the children, especially the sons, are expected to take care of their parents financially but you’re refusing to do that because you’re too lazy.” ComprehensiveBand586
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Wake Up Early To Feed The Baby?
“I (24f) have a 4-month-old baby boy. I currently don’t work, but my other half (28m) works from home 9-5, Mondays to Fridays. The arrangement originally was that I’d do any feeds between 11 pm and 6 am so my partner could sleep through the night and not be exhausted to work.
On the downside, I ended up being exhausted. And I was also doing the housework throughout the day and taking care of our baby.
Anyway, cut to last week; he recently started sleeping through the night after a brief regression and some sleep training.
As a result of this, he only wakes up once between 3 and 4. So my partner will do a feed at 10 pm, then me at 3 am then him again at 6 am.
My other half recently came and said that it’s no longer fair for him to do the 6 am feed because I’m no longer getting up every 1.5-2 hours through the night.
He said I should be doing the 6 am feed as well so he can get another hour of sleep before he has to get up and ready for work, and I can sleep in if I wanted to (which I mean I have to get up once my son is awake anyway)
My reasoning is that anything that happens through the night is up to me, nappy changes, settling him when he’s unsettled and I’ve got to take care of him all day too which is exhausting especially now that he’s teething (I do love him but I am tired)
Anyway AITJ for refusing to do the 6 am feeds ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are doing childcare 24/7 with the exception of a few evening feedings. You are also doing all of the housework. You are also recovering from birth.
You can’t catch up on sleep during the day.
Is he aware of that?
Your sleep and rest are no less valuable than his. He has gotten to sleep through the night for 4 months, while you have worked at home cleaning and doing child care, AND not sleeping through the night.
Your husband is the jerk for looking at a situation as his opportunity, vs an opportunity to provide you support.” AdventurousDoubt1115
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your partner sucks for welching on what they agreed to, but you’re putting your own pettiness in the way of your infant child potentially getting fed.
If neither of you is willing to give up your personal preferences for the good of your child, then there are far more serious issues at hand.” NotAMormon91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would like to add that it currently sounds like he is supposed to be feeding the baby twice a day.
I suspect that the baby eats more than 4 times a day so in addition to the 3-4 am feeding the baby eats at least once between 6 am and 10 pm. Your other half can step up and do the feedings that will work with his schedule vs you get all the last-minute funs and are probably taking care of this more than twice a day.
Others have stated it, Dads come home from work and get a break from the office/job. A stay-at-home mom never really has downtime until someone takes the baby.” Sammakko660
5. AITJ For Telling My Friend That We Have Different Situations?
“I (28F) lost my infant daughter a year ago this October when she was 6 months old due to Sid’s.
It’s been extremely hard and this month is just horrible to deal with as well.
A few weeks ago my best friend (27F) calls me crying (tears of joy) that she had taken a few home pregnancy tests and they all came back positive.
The issue is that her cycle isn’t regular and the last one was 3 months ago. I encouraged her to call for an appointment right away because if so 3 months of no prenatal care isn’t the best. She was elated and was excited. I told her to please keep me updated and to let me know!
Sadly she called me the other day telling me that they couldn’t find a heartbeat. There was no baby. I was devastated for her. I quickly drove over (with permission) to console her. While being her shoulder to cry on, had asked if she would like for us to pray (she is religious, I am not) we did and she was grateful for me being with her.
I was more than happy too.
While we were talking she made a comment ‘well we are truly best friends since we’ve both lost a child who’s now with god.’ I was instantly upset at this comment (not her comment about my child with god).
I explained that I understand her feelings and I’m in no way shutting her down but please don’t compare my trauma to yours. There isn’t a comparison nor should there be one. She got extremely defensive and started telling me that I was being a jerk and that just because her baby wasn’t born, doesn’t mean her pain isn’t any less real than mine and I’m gatekeeping how my pain should mean more.
I tried to tell her ‘look, your pain is very real, I can understand why you are upset and am upset with you. But no, on a level we could never compare grief with her miscarriage to my infant loss.’
She kicked me out of her house and posted to the group chat about how fake of a friend I am and why. Our friend group is in shambles. People defending my stance, people defending her side, and people refusing to take sides.
I’m just so bewildered by what’s happening that I don’t know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You did everything exactly right up until the end, which I think was more of a grief-induced reflex than anything.
I’m sure it was in the back of your mind that your situations are different, but I don’t think she meant that they were exactly the same or trying to compare. You do share some (not all) of the same experience with loss, you did seem to connect through comforting her in her grief, but she wasn’t wrong.
She just wanted to hear that she wasn’t alone. What you said probably was not a necessary response to what she meant, but you’re still NTJ. You are not a fake friend, you are a grieving friend. She is lashing out and being maybe a little unreasonable because she is grieving too.
Your explanation to her was fine, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. No jerks here, except maybe your friends who are taking sides. I hope for the best for both of you.” One_Trifle1191
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You both had a loss. The losses were not the same, but arguing about how similar or different they were or whether one was worse didn’t benefit anyone. Her initial equating them was wrong. You rejecting that was wrong. Your friends taking sides was wrong.
None of you are terrible people and all the assertions that offended everyone were understandable. So either forgive and make up or go your separate ways.” Alteripse
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Having suffered a miscarriage myself you should have kept your mouth shut.
Ours was so devastating that we didn’t try for another child for almost 5 years.
You are absolutely right that you shouldn’t compare trauma and that’s exactly what you did. You don’t get to gatekeep how others feel about things like this.” Adahla987
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’.
Your response was understandable – you felt like she was making a comparison and reacted poorly – but it would probably have been better too, if it had been at all possible, ignore the comment at the moment (or altogether).
Particularly since it sounds like, from how you described it, that her comment was meant (even though it may have seemed awkward or odd or poorly timed) to be bonding: that you now have shared experience in maternal loss so you can be closer because you understand one another more than others in your friend group might.
However unintentionally, you did compare your losses. You judged yours as more real and in doing so invalidated hers to some degree. Clearly, you did not intend that, but it is what happened. Her response to that, though seemingly a bit dramatic, has the force of very fresh pain behind it, i.e. she hasn’t had any time to try to really cope with any of it, and there’s no distance between her and her pain yet for her to be able to take a breath and think rather than knee-jerk emotionally respond.
But yes, telling the friend group out of hurt that you’re ‘a fake friend’ wasn’t the best response on her side.
Perhaps the best thing you could do would be to apologize to her in the group chat: that you hadn’t intended to invalidate her pain or experience, that you reacted emotionally to her comment because this is a very difficult month for you, but you still care about her, you still grieve with her, and will be there whenever she may want to try to talk in the future.
You might even point out that, like many people, you didn’t really understand just how much miscarriage can affect a woman (it’s not a frequently discussed topic even now, thus the link above) or that the loss and grief of it it has been frequently invalidated. Perhaps it will help your entire friend group be able to come back together and be stronger for it once the initial hurt has faded a bit.
Best wishes to all of you in weathering this storm.” Synistrel
4. AITJ For Keeping My Pregnancy From My Parents?
“My parents and I have had a bit of a rough relationship. They are rude to my kids because of their identities and I don’t really forgive them for that.
I recently found out that I am pregnant with my fourth child and I invited close family and friends to a dinner to announce it.
I invited about 8 people, including my parents and said that I had something important I wanted to tell them all and that it was important that they were there. They all RSVP.
My parents didn’t show up. I tried calling them after half an hour, but they didn’t pick up.
We got through dinner and the announcement and they never showed up. I got a bit worried and decided that if they didny get back to me in the morning then I would go around their house. They messaged me early this morning saying that they had gone out for drinks last minute and didn’t think I’d mind.
I got really upset. I said that they freaked me out and they replied by saying not to overreact and to hurry up and tell them the news. I just didn’t reply. I agree that I might have overreacted last night but I didn’t think they should hear the news if they didn’t bother to show up.
Here is where I might have been petty. I told everyone who was there last night to not tell my parents and to ignore them if they asked. They all agreed. My parents have asked pretty much everyone but no one has told so they still don’t know.
They called me to berate me and say that I was a petty jerk and that if the news was so important then why not tell them now? My husband agrees with me but we both see why they are upset.
So AITJ?
Edit: By saying they are rude to my kids because of their identities I meant that they are homophobic and transphobic
Edit 2: My kids have decided that they want low contact with my parents. I do not force them to be around each other.
They can say that it is too much and we won’t see my parents anymore. But for now, they want some contact.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘They are rude to my kids because of their identities’
The big red flag here.
Big red flag.
So your parents are intolerant of your kids because of something, race or gender I’m guessing. Since no ages aren’t given it could be either. So their continued presence is a gift on your part.
And one I’m not sure you should be extending, although I would need more info for that. Do you want them to treat your new child the same way they treat your current children?
Regardless you told them this was important.
They RSVP’ed yes. They didn’t show. They didn’t text or call. They didn’t answer when their daughter, who fully expected them to be in a certain place at a certain time, was calling them. They have brought this on themselves.” SKDI_0224
Another User Comments:
“If your parents are prejudiced against your kids (presuming racism,) why bother inviting them into the life of your fourth? Even if it’s not a physical trait they are offended about if they couldn’t love your other three unconditionally, how have they earned the right to a relationship with your unborn?
Everyone sucks here. Your parents suck all around. They will not be the mom, dad, and gramps that you want them to be. They cannot/will not prioritize you when you ask. They judge your children, and I’m certain your children know it.
You need to emotionally untangle from them. Being passive-aggressive and dragging your other close relatives and friends into an ice-out battle is awful. If you’re going to go no contact, do it. Do not force others into drama to punish your parents.
This only punishes your bystanders because your parents really don’t care.
Stop playing games. Just go gray rock. Do not expose your next child in infancy to these people knowing that child will be rejected and force your older kids to endure further being made to feel not good enough.
They are good enough. Your parents are not.” readshannontierney
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are jerks. If they didn’t think you’d mind, they would’ve answered the phone or told you they weren’t coming. They knew you’d mind so they ignored your phone call and reached out the next day.
They purposely RSVP’d so you wouldn’t be mad/question why they weren’t going. They knew you’d be mad so they purposely skipped out. They had no intention of going. They don’t care and probably won’t care about your baby given the record they have with the other two.
Just don’t tell them. The people who showed up are the ones who matter and deserve to know. Celebrate with them.” Glum_Hamster_1076
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. They should definitely have told you as soon as their plans changed and they could no longer make your dinner.
But I don’t get why that means you don’t tell them the news. Tell them you are upset at them and deal with that, but telling them you’re having another baby is separate from that.
If you don’t want to tell them fine, but not telling them for this reason (especially after saying you had news.
Which is pretty weird by the way, either tell them the news or don’t mention it until you’re ready. It’s like you’re trying to add some hype. You’re just telling them your pregnant.) this is really childish imo.” Jemma_2
3. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Don't Love Her?
“My (f20) mom (f45) and I have a very strained relationship sometimes, and it has something to do with her ‘teaching’ me to toughen up by dismissing my feelings whenever I feel sad or depressed… that I’m not allowed to feel this way?
It started when my dad died from illness when I was a teenager, and I couldn’t really talk to her at all about anything without her freaking out on me… She’s suffering from anxiety and constantly suffocates me under her watch.
I can’t go out with friends, aren’t allowed to go anywhere without permission, and can’t do anything, or buy anything, or have money on my own or risk getting into trouble…
I’m in a strict Asian family with traditional values and I don’t know how to make them stop meddling with my life even with my age… I feel really broken down
I got into a fight with my mom this morning because my pet (my only source of joy and purpose) was gone… She berated me and told me it was my fault he got lost, and that I should ‘s*****t up’.
She told me not to get depressed over a cat, and that if I keep being sad over it she will take away my other pet…
I think I snapped because I suddenly blurted out that I never loved her and wished she never let me exist, and she was… beyond speechless?
And broke down really hard… (which is… a bit ironic given she taught me showing tears made you weak).
I felt uncomfortable and just left her there sobbing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re twenty, if you can find a safe place to go, you’re legally allowed to leave.
I’d pack the few things I could and go to a sympathetic friend’s house if you can. Your mother isn’t doing anything to cultivate love in your heart for her, she seems to think that children just love their parents no matter how they treat them.
It may start off that way, but love can’t grow where none is shown. And no, raising you doesn’t count as showing love, because parents are obligated to give their children food, shelter, and clothing. Don’t let her guilt you over things that she would be in legal trouble if she didn’t provide for you.” Catisbackthatsafact
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to get a job and move out and be responsible for how many contacts you have with her. You are an adult. So if she’s making your life worse, you should leave instead of yelling at her about it.
You are at an age where you are responsible for the relationships that you allow into your life. She sounds terrible. So leave. I understand that your culture may not approve of that, but unless you would get arrested for not talking to her, you’re still responsible for choosing whether or not you talk to her.” User
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive My Son To My Dad's House?
“I (46F) have two brothers, ‘Allen’ (50m) and ‘James’ (44M).
Our Dad (75M) has always preferred my brothers over me.
My Dad has had a weekly lunch with his three brothers (they never had sisters) every Friday since 1990. My Dad called and asked if my son, ‘Thomas’ (8M), could start attending.
I was confused and asked why he would attend a lunch with just his grandpa and great-uncles every week. My Dad then told me that my brothers had been going every week for the past ten years and he wanted to add the next generation.
Thomas is the only grandson invited/only bio grandson.
I was definitely shocked at being excluded for ten years and then finding out my nephews, nieces and daughter would also be excluded but I only said, ‘Let me know what time and place and I’ll bring him then my daughter and I will ask for a table on the opposite side of the restaurant and enjoy a mommy/daughter lunch together.’ My daughter loves alone time with her mom.
My son has autism and doesn’t know my dad or brothers or uncles well and they aren’t equipped to handle some of his issues so I thought of staying nearby. I would show him where I’m seated and say he can come over if he has any issues then I would focus on my daughter.
My dad said no that he wanted me to drop my son off at his house and he would bring him home afterward. My Dad’s house is 45 minutes away. So he expects me to drive an hour and a half to drop him off and back home then wait for him to come back home.
But the restaurant that they would go to is one of many in an area about 15 minutes from my house and my house is on the way for him. He said I was being petty because I never wanted to just let him enjoy his sons.
I asked, ‘How am I preventing that? By existing and not being a boy?’ He hung up on me.
Later my stepmom (65F) called and asked me to be more flexible. She did reveal that my dad didn’t want me to know where they were going because he didn’t want me nearby.
I don’t find this acceptable to not know where my autistic 8-year-old is – as he has never been anywhere in his life that I was not aware of his location.
My dad and brothers think I’m the jerk for not wanting to drive my son to my dad’s house and drop him off.
Am I?
EDIT: I’ve decided not to let my son go at this age for many reasons. Just a few of which are: my dad’s attitude towards me, my son’s autistic issues that they are not equipped to handle because they don’t want me to know where he is and when I asked him he said he didn’t want to go because Grandpa tries to make him eat foods at holidays that he has texture aversions to.
Maybe he can revisit when he’s older and can drive himself and has a way to leave when I’m not around. Thank you for all of the thoughts and comments and suggestions for fun family traditions to start!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So while I think it is ridiculous to exclude/include family based on gender, I also really enjoyed the individual traditions I had with family members (none based on gender, just interest, because we had all women grandchildren so there was no hope for the old men).
Your dad is aging, your son might find this fun, and you aren’t preventing them from spending time together, you just don’t want to go out of your way and lose 3 hours a week to driving your son around for this.
You are absolutely right, your Dad can pick up your son or tell you where to drop him off – since it is close to you it seems – and then figure out how to get your son back. You don’t need to drive 45 minutes each way for your son to then be 15 minutes from you.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Where you suck: This is cause you even are considering and putting on conditions where your son will end up getting hated and despised by his sister and all of his cousins for the special treatment that his grandfather will heap on him, making him the golden child.
Where your father sucks: He is clearly favoring your son above all of his grandchildren. Chances are he is already looking to give your son far more favorable treatment and possibly gifts, that are not of equal value to that of your daughter or any of their cousins.
You need to nip that in the bud, and thank him for the offer, but you are going to decline as it would not lead to a healthy relationship between your son and his sister or any of his cousins.
Keep an eye out OP, this is not going to end with you telling him no and he may be only starting to ramp up that kind of behavior.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, except for one thing. You are right about driving, and you are right about taking your daughter to do something special. But telling him that you’re going to get a table at the exact same restaurant is super petty and definitely contributing to the drama.
He’s afraid that you’re going to crash his lunch because you basically told him that you are going to crash his lunch. So you need to just go somewhere else. It’s really not that big of a deal for you to go somewhere else.
He can pick up your son if he wants to bring him to lunch. And you can go spend special mother-daughter time literally anywhere else.
It’s not fair for you to take your daughter to the restaurant where she has to watch.
Her grandfather has a lunch that she’s not invited to. That is punishing her for your own family trauma and you’re way too old to be trying to do that. Stop dragging her into your battles, you should know that it’s cruel to bring her to the same restaurant and make her watch a lunch that she’s not invited to.
I shouldn’t have to tell you that. You need to wake up a little bit and refocus on your daughter.
You are also not obligated to include your son in these lunches. It sounds like Grandpa is a jerk. That said, gendered activities aren’t the worst. I have a regular girls’ night with my friends, You have probably had girls-only activities before.
So you just need to decide on your own whether or not Grandpa is a good influence on Thomas.” User
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Father-In-Law To Stay With Us?
“My father-in-law is 65. My partner is M35 and I am F33.
We live in a different country so I see his family once to twice a year only – they live a short flight away.
His father will sometimes come by himself to visit us, as my partner’s sister lives in another country too and he’ll often have to fly from where we live.
In 5 years he came maybe 4-5 times.
The last time he came he stayed 3 nights. When he arrived, he complained about the cold – it was 19 degrees. I offered to turn on the heating and showed him how to turn it off when he was warm enough.
He turned it off when it reached 23. When I came home from work the following day, it was 24.
He complained about the food literally every day. The first day we just baked some frozen pizzas – I texted him to ask which one he wanted, and he said any pizza would be fine.
Got Margheritas, and showed him the box before putting it in the oven. Once ready he told me he is trying to cut down on dairy and therefore cannot eat it. I got up to make him pasta. The following day after dinner he asked about dessert and commented it didn’t feel like dinner was complete without dessert… Kept pushing until my partner said he’d pop into the shop and get something.
He keeps wearing his shoes indoors despite my offer of spare slippers. Doesn’t care about recycling – he throws away everything in recycling – banana skins, bread crusts (he does not eat bread crusts).
I bought a pumpkin the other day which I planned to use to make soup and a roast with.
I left it on the table with some decoration as it looked pretty. No other plans for it. I came back after work to find that the pumpkin has been carved and now has a scented candle inside, which he lit and left unattended when he went out for a walk.
I asked where is the inside of the pumpkin as I couldn’t find it. He binned it. I told him it was a cooking pumpkin I was going to use, but he doesn’t think it was edible, just decorative.
Now he is due to come back in a month or so, and I told my partner I don’t really want him to stay with us.
He agrees his father is irritating to be around but ‘he’s old, we are not going to change him at his age’ and ‘he doesn’t come very often’ so we should just bear with it. We haven’t seen his family a lot and it’s nice to spend time with his dad.
I think his dad usually comes during the week – when we are both at work, so we only really see him in the evenings – and his dad is just too high maintenance. He is nice and friendly and good to have a chat with, and he always brings me a nice gift, but he is just irritating to be around and I don’t have the energy.
I told my partner to either tell his dad to stay somewhere else, but it’s difficult to do that after welcoming him no problem before. So I have told him that if his dad stays with us, I’ll make plans to stay with a friend during that time.
My partner thinks that would look suspicious and rude if I am away for the whole time his dad is with us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time to either tell him that he can no longer stay with you, or if you don’t want to do that then limit him to either once or twice a year and at 6-month minimal intervals.
Then inform him that you’re not going to wait on him and if he doesn’t like the food he can cook for himself and clean up, and under absolutely no circumstances is he to shower when you need to get ready for work.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Gotta say for the short few days he comes and for how seldom he comes,******* up. Nothing you have said is cut the contact kind of stuff. Yes, it’s annoying and little things are irritating, but are you telling me you cannot put them aside for a few short days?
Everything has been about you and not once have you mentioned how much your partner may enjoy seeing his dad for these few days a year. I agree with him, it would be rude to just leave while he is there and stay somewhere else.” Various-Bridge-325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
But your issue is focused on the wrong things. Your husband needs to do the work of hosting his father. You’re not responsible for showing FIL where the heating controls are or capping the heat use to a not-wasteful level, your husband needs to do those things.
Your husband needs to arrange meals for the house when his father is visiting. Your father needs to step up and tell his father not to set fires and leave them unattended.
If your husband can’t stand up to his father’s unacceptable behavior or won’t do the work to ensure that his father is taken care of, then he can’t host his father.
And your husband can be the one to tell his father and take the fall for it.” Professional_Ruin953
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yeah, he seems annoying, but not malicious. I’m not saying that malicious has to be the standard for cutting someone off, either.
If he’s a few days visit house guest, finds creative ways to curb his intrusiveness. Maybe come home a little later than your husband. Hit the gym, do a little shopping, run an errand, or meet a friend for coffee.
That way husband can deal with some of that stuff before you get home. In the morning, when FIL goes for his walk, give him a destination or task. If you make it to this park there are swans nesting – or can you stop by this bakery and pick up dessert for tonight?
Give FIL a short list of places that you and your husband like to eat, and ask him to pick one for one of his evenings there.” DooganC
