People Can't Relax In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Mom For Only Buying Gifts For Some Grandkids?
“I had my daughter at a young age so we lived with my parents for a few years until I got on my feet.
I’m now married and financially independent.
My mom kept my daughter while my husband and I took my stepdaughter on a one-on-one trip. I found out that following their vacation my mom also went shopping but only bought items for 3 of 6 grandkids. I asked my mom while they were still at the mall to return the clothes and she refused. She responded that she did not know how much longer she had and that I should just let her buy stuff whenever.
When we picked up my daughter I told my mom that when she does things like that it shows a lack of respect for my boundaries and me as a parent. I left all the new clothes there and I also pointed out that she only bought items for the “blood-related” grandkids.
She saw nothing wrong with this so the discussion got heated. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You seem to have a pretty odd definition of equal. Sometimes life is inherently unfair–your daughter lives with you, so she gets a greater amount of 1:1 time with you and your husband than your stepdaughter does.
Your daughter is not being “spoiled” by the circumstances that simply exist. That you chose to take your stepdaughter on a vacation without your daughter in order to equalize that situation is a bit weird, because 1:1 time during daily life with you versus 1:1 time during a vacation do not equal each other out.
1:1 time on a vacation is totally different from 1:1 time in regular life. You said your mother gives both girls birthday and Christmas presents in a comment. So, that’s fair and fine. Your mom taking your daughter who she is currently babysitting on a shopping trip and only buying her clothing, is also fine.
Your stepdaughter was on a vacation, which is a treat. Your daughter had a fun shopping trip with her grandma, which is a treat. Both girls got some special attention, it’s not required that they both receive exactly the same attention to be “equal.” I think you need to do some research about equality versus equity.
You seem to have the idea that equality is the be-all-end-all here, and given how complex the circumstances are in a blended family, you really need to focus on equity taking into consideration all aspects of all the kid’s lives.” PurpleMarsAlien
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So, your mother allowed you and your baby to live with her for a few years on her dime. You later get married, leave this same kid with her while you go on a trip with a stepkid without your own kid, and you rail at your mom for buying a gift for some of her grandkids while she’s out shopping with them.
And this is because you demand respect for your parenting and have boundaries? Ok good for you but how can any of what she’s done cross them? If that’s an accurate recap, what the heck is the matter with you?” LibraWoman1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So let me get this straight. Your bio child with only one bio parent (presumably based on your comments it sounds like bio dad’s not around) was left with what I would think is her only bio grandmother? And you think it’s unfair for that only grandmother to spoil said child while you are off with spoiling your stepchild who not only has two bio parents and probably 2 sets of bio grandparents?
If anything is wholly unfair you went on vacation without her. Stepkid has her own mother to spoil her. Your daughter only has you. Do you even like your daughter? Her village is way smaller than the stepkid’s. Also, why are you punishing her for living with you full-time?
It’s not her fault she doesn’t have a dad to take her. It’s not her fault she doesn’t have another sibling in the house. It’s not her fault you get little time with the stepchild. It’s not her fault she was left behind with the grandmother.
And it’s not her fault her grandmother loves her. What kind of lesson are you teaching your child? That she has to take responsibility for things out of her control and isn’t worthy of special treatment because of those things? Like I don’t get this at all.
And don’t get me started on the accepting the stepchild as family. Yes most do see them as family but you and your husband are the ones making her not an equal by putting her on a pedestal with special trips and excluding the other child.
If you want both to be treated equally then YOU need to treat them as equal. Your poor daughter.” private26495
21. AITJ For Asking My Long-Time Roommate And Best Friend To Move Out?
“I’ve lived with my best friend for 13 years. It started out by renting a room from his parents.
When I moved from the state, I asked if he wanted to come with me because he didn’t have anything for him there.
Fast forward to now and I’m married. My wife and I have talked about having our house to ourselves without him there.
We have brought it up before and he seemed to understand and get it.
But now it’s a different tune. Talking about how the market is bad and how he is saving up for a house of his own. I don’t want to sound uncaring about the market and house prices being insane but at the same time, I can’t help the market.
We have talked and decided that 18-24 months is an acceptable ask for him to find his own place. But I’m torn as I understand how hard it is to save money and to find a good place.
So, am I the jerk for asking my best friend to move out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re married now. You’re allowed to have your own place with your partner! 18-24 months is a very generous time and most would probably give 6+ months. If you feel guilty why don’t you help your roommate look for places to rent/buy or help them make a financial plan on the money needed to live comfortably as an independent person, or the other alternative is to help them find someone also looking for a roommate!
Plenty of people are always looking.” Worth_Season4378
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A couple is allowed to live in their own space, especially once they’re married. You need to start the next chapter of your life, OP, without someone third-wheeling. Yes, the housing market is terrible at the moment (I’m struggling to buy a house on my own), so I feel for your friend.
18-24 months’ notice is more than generous. If I were you, I’d have given him no more than 6 months to sort out new living arrangements. He has options. He can find someone else to room with if he can’t afford to buy his own place.
If there’s any way you can help him save more money, I’m sure that would be appreciated.” eppydeservedbetter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that’s a very generous time frame, but you should add to it that you’d like him to start looking now. Are you waiting until he can save a deposit to buy?
Is that possible in that time frame? Are you planning to have kids? Do you want to be stuck with having promised he can stay another 2 years if your wife gets pregnant tomorrow?” ViolaVetch75
20. AITJ For Refusing To Leave A Comedy Show Early To Beat Traffic?
“A group of us went to see a comedian.
Ten minutes from the end one person in the group said we needed to leave.
Thinking there was an emergency, I asked what was wrong and what we could do to help. The person wanting to leave said that nothing was wrong and they wanted to leave as they didn’t want to wait in traffic and fight against all the other people in the place we were in to get home.
I said they could leave if they wanted but I’m staying as I didn’t pay to see the comedian just to leave early.
They pointed out that since they drove us there they get to decide when we leave.
I said I’ll find my own way home and they’re free to leave if they wish.
They called me a jerk and stormed out of the place alone with the rest of the group, as they didn’t want to have to find alternate transport home.
Personally, I think it is a waste to pay to see someone just to leave early.”
Another User Comments:
“They were nice enough to offer you a ride. At no point in this transaction are you obligated to make use of their kindness. What loss is it to them to have you figure out your own way home? To say nothing of the idiocy of leaving a live show early (and causing a distraction) just to beat traffic.
It’s a jerk thing to do, especially if you’re gonna take advantage of the fact that you’re the designated driver to force your group to go early with you. NTJ, no question.” Joris914
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The driver doesn’t get to decide; the driver isn’t allowed to control the rest of the group as hostages.
The group decides together, usually when the event is planned, although sometimes this part may get overlooked. Your driver should have asked the rest of the group what they wanted -since everyone paid for their tickets and deserves to get what they paid for. You are not a jerk, because you were willing to find your own ride home and did not force them to stay.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have lived with controlling parents growing up. Incidents like these were very common (they were probably the least of my worries with how things were, but I understand how you feel). Things like our family had to leave before family celebrations were even close to done (parent just wanted to be there for food then leave as soon as possible after, so my parent would show up, immediately look for food, and want us all to leave as soon as possible – things we didn’t have control over as kids).
Your experience reminded me of these because of the way they did it as if there was an emergency and we all had to leave as soon as possible.” LittleThoughtBubbles
19. AITJ For Giving My Partner A Cheap Perfume For Her Birthday?
“Yesterday, I got my (19) partner (21) a bottle of perfume for her birthday. Even though she said thanks she was angry because it was a cheap one and told me next time we should just give each other birthday cards if I can’t bother to give her nice stuff like she did.
I know that the perfume is on the cheaper side and it’s just a small percentage of the stuff she got for my birthday, but it’s literally the only one I could afford and she knows that I am not rich like her. And it’s not like I neglected her, I took her to her favorite place for brunch and gave her relaxing massages.
And for dinner, I cooked her favorite meal and set up a bubble bath with candles for her but she didn’t want to stay for it when I gave her the gift after the meal.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did everything I was going to recommend you do when I first read the header and thought there might be an income disparity: give her a token gift, cook her favorite meal, and provide a nice experience like a massage.
Your partner’s a jerk for not appreciating that, and only wanting expensive, material goods even though she knows you can’t afford them.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Getting perfume or cologne for someone is a great gift, they can last a while. I know for a fact that I’d be more than happy with that.
Did you guys set a price limit for gifts? I feel like there should be some communication about that, like maybe $20-$30 would be good, depending on your income. She didn’t need to spend that much on a gift, something as small as a gift card could mean a lot to a partner.” LittlePumpkin_121
Another User Comments:
“A very very very gentle YTJ. A $20 perfume isn’t going to smell very good. Honestly, it’s gonna be poor in quality and quite literally on the same level as a body spray in a nicer bottle. I think if you do want this relationship to work you need to have a serious talk with her about finances, how things should be handled going forward, and what sort of gifts she would prefer with a lower price tag.
I ADORE books, and when my husband was broke as heck he would pick out a few fantasy novels I didn’t have that sounded like my thing from the used bookstore!” YourMoonWife
18. AITJ For Suggesting My Stepsons Live With Their Biological Mom?
“I have a daughter (15f) and my husband has three sons (10m, 13m 15m).
His sons do not like me or my daughter. The house is physically split, originally my daughter had her room upstairs, but they were purposefully loud all night, and would purposefully hog the bathroom.
So my daughter switched rooms and now all three of the boys are upstairs and she’s downstairs.
I don’t know why they hate us, I made it clear I was not replacing their mom.
The 15yo and his yes men (literally, his friends act like he’s their boss) have started to bully my daughter’s friends for no reason.
The 10yo accuses us of anything he can think (and I don’t know how much my husband believes) and the 13yo literally steals and throws away our things.
I suggested to my husband that his sons go live with their bio mom. He immediately got upset, wouldn’t listen and I’m pretty sure he was suggesting divorce in response.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Those are his children, OP. You cannot ask him to give up his children, to pick you over them. Why hasn’t your husband stepped in? Why is their bad treatment of you and your daughter going unchecked? You need to have a talk with him and tell him changes need to be made because you’ll no longer subject your daughter to this.
You can’t expect him to get rid of his kids, but you should be able to expect him to back you up and deal with them. Get them therapy, enforce boundaries, -something-. If he won’t then you will need to take your daughter and go.” ConferenceDecent4222
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The boys for obvious reasons. You for suggesting your husband get rid of his sons. I think it would have been better to say that you and your daughter would move out if the boys won’t stop bullying you two – you shouldn’t have to put up with being treated that way.
Have the boys had any counseling after their parents’ split? It sounds like they’re acting out badly, and that usually comes from a place of pain. Your husband threatening divorce in response to you suggesting he make his children leave wasn’t great, but I feel like it’s less bad than asking a parent to give up their kids.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“I am going to be fair and tell you that I don’t think there’s enough information here to truly decide who the real jerk is. Children of divorce are up against a complicated dynamic and the world expects them to behave a certain way while not giving them the tools and training to deal with their conflicting emotions.
My heart goes out to you, you seem to want to make this blended family work, your husband in his own way wants to make this work, and your daughter is in the same boat. While your intentions are noble, your process may be skewed, especially when it’s not being shared. Your daughter is the only girl in a new family of boys.
You were her support system and now that system may be strained. Either you’re all the jerk or none of you are. I am sure there are things that all of you could do to make this situation better, but it will take a group effort.
You didn’t create this by yourself and I’ll be darned if it’ll be on you to repair it. I applaud you for taking to the internet for advice, but I think only you know what will truly work best for you. If everyone responds with you are the jerk, what would change?
If everyone came back and said they were the jerk, what would change? I got you, whatever the public opinion is, I hope you will continue to do right by your new family. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Some days, courage isn’t the loud roar claiming victory, courage is also the small whimper that says we’ll try again tomorrow.” Embarrassed_Olive_65
17. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Update Her Photos After Significant Weight Gain?
“My sister (F29) gained 35kg recently. She’s single and on the apps, she still uses the pictures from before she gained weight. She had multiple dates the past few weeks and all of them ghosted her after seeing her in person for the first time.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not supporting any superficial behavior but I just thought it was some form of lying by putting up the old pictures, where she looked way different. As I told her, it could be because she doesn’t look like the pictures she has in her profile, and the men could feel betrayed. Because of that she burst out in tears and told me I am a jerk for having such superficial thoughts about her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your thoughts weren’t superficial, they were true. I’m 5’2, and a weight gain of 35kg (~80 lbs for us Americans) would be VERY obvious. I think there was probably a softer way to go about this, as I’m sure weight may be a sensitive topic for your sister, but you weren’t wrong necessarily.” graceannet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not calling her fat or being rude to her about her appearance, you’re just making an observation that she has gained a noticeable amount of weight, and guys may be upset when they realize she doesn’t look like she does in the photos.” wrld333
Another User Comments:
“By not presenting herself accurately, she is denying herself the opportunity to meet people who are attracted to her. There are guys out there who happily admit they like a bit of “cushion for the pushin’” who she won’t get to meet because her pictures show her as too thin.
If you’re a little chubby, play it up. If you have a big nose, play it up. If you have a weird snaggletooth, play it up: statistically, the guys who don’t like it can only help you, and the ones who do like it will be all the more excited.” MadamePouleMontreal
16. AITJ For Refusing To Meet My Dad And His Partner Over Child Support Issues?
“I’m a 20-year-old male living in Switzerland with my mom and stepdad. In 2019, my mom divorced my dad, and since then, I’ve been living with her.
After the divorce, my parents agreed on child support—400 CHF per month, which is very little by Swiss standards. Despite the amount being lower than what he should have paid, my dad often refused to pay without constant arguments. This has been going on for four years.
In Switzerland, the law says parents are obligated to pay child support until their child finishes their first apprenticeship. I started one a while back but had to quit because my boss was manipulative, which caused me so much distress that I needed therapy. My dad showed no interest in what I was going through and just kept arguing about why he shouldn’t have to pay.
This summer, I started a new apprenticeship that’s going really well, but he still refuses to pay. So, my mom and I decided to take legal action.
At the first court hearing on Wednesday, he was incredibly disrespectful toward me and my mom. He spoke about me as if I didn’t exist and made it clear he had no intention of supporting me.
It hurt deeply, but it wasn’t surprising—he’s always been self-centered and dismissive of anything that doesn’t suit his narrative. Honestly, he’s the kind of person who always twists things to make himself the victim or the hero, no matter how much it hurts others.
Yesterday, I got a message from his partner inviting me over to their place. I knew they just wanted to pressure me into talking about the finances, but after how he treated me in court, I didn’t want to go. I told them no. My dad got angry, and his partner started lecturing me about how I should “cherish the time” with him instead of focusing on finances.
It’s so frustrating that they’re making this about me being ungrateful instead of acknowledging the damage he’s done—or the basic responsibility he’s refusing to take.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not at all. You could say something like this… “I have no desire to speak with either of you.
You have made it clear that you do not care about me or my well-being. My father is only doing what he legally has to, and that feels really bad. It does not bring feelings of gratitude. Gratitude comes when someone does something for you out of kindness and my father has never been kind about the finances he has to give to support me.
He makes me feel undeserving and yet you speak as though I am the one who is responding incorrectly. You are both adults. Look at your own behaviour and it will be very clear why I want nothing to do with you. “ I would have no contact after that.
There is no point. Remember that you can not control others and how they treat you is a reflection of them and actually has nothing to do with you or who you are. He is selfish and self-centered. You deserve people in your life who see how amazing you are.” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I fully appreciate that the context and history matter to you emotionally, but it doesn’t matter factually. The bottom line is that an adult is under no obligation to meet with other adults unless there is a court order in place.
Accordingly, NTJ for refusing to meet them for any reason. Also NTJ for refusing to meet them when you already know that this is a set-up. If partner had wanted to meet you because you are part of the family then she would have done so long ago.
Clearly, she has internalized the nonsense story that Dad told her because she feels comfortable lecturing an adult human about how the human should feel. Your dad doesn’t respect you, nor does he engender respect in you, so ask yourself why you should care one iota about what he thinks about you or your decisions.
We’ve already established that he has poor judgment, so you should disregard his judgment of you. You teach people how to treat you. Tell partner not to contact you, directly or indirectly, for any reason. Tell Dad that the only communication that you want from him is when he will start paying what he’s owed. If he defaults, then take him right back to court.
Your time is too valuable to waste on these two.” CandylandCanada
15. AITJ For Asking My Roommate About BBQ Sides Despite Him Telling Me To Choose?
“My roommate (M32) and I (F32) usually coordinate dinner when neither of us has other plans and if there’s nothing to eat at the house. Today is one of those days so my roommate suggested BBQ for dinner and that was cool with me. I was fine with placing the order for pick-up since the BBQ place was closer to my office.
He suggests we get the biggest platter since it has everything. The platter comes with 4 sides so I ask him what he wants. He picks one side and says I can choose the rest.
I’m looking at what’s available while also considering what he likes because I know we’re going to share all these sides (plus I’m not a picky eater like him).
There are two sides that I want to try but I don’t want to order it if I’m the only one who’s going to eat it. So I ask him a question about each side and whether he wants to try it. He says yes to one and no to the other.
Okay great, one more side to pick then I can place the order.
Then he messages me and asks if he should place the order instead. I’m like, okay sure? At this point, I’m confused and then he goes on to say, “I told you to pick and you keep asking me.
We’re not getting BBQ anymore.” What?! is my initial reaction and then I realized he told me to pick the rest of the sides. But just to be sure, I ask him if my questions annoyed him to which he said, “yeah.”
I wasn’t trying to be annoying at all.
I’m a people-pleaser so I’m automatically considerate of what he likes but I see how my questions would’ve been annoying. Anyway, am I the jerk here or is it both of us? I do see the part I played but the flip of the switch just didn’t seem normal to me so I don’t know anymore.
Maybe my roommate just finds me annoying and I should bounce.”
Another User Comments:
“Speaking as a picky eater if I say “I want this one side and don’t care about the rest”, you can be assured that I not only mean it but don’t care about the rest. Your roommate very likely was trying to just make a quick decision so they could go back to their entertainment and not put any further thought into the process of getting food.
So you may think that asking for further input is “pleasing them” because “they’re getting food they like”, but what they really want is to just not be involved in the process any further, especially if it means pausing to answer questions. Given that you’ve stated that you’re a people pleaser, I’m willing to bet situations like this (where you think you’re doing what they want but actually aren’t) have come up a lot and that’s likely why they suddenly changed their mind.
It was just one more time of being annoyed by the behavior. Have they said anything about it before? If not, should they have? Yes. Ignoring a problem until it builds up to snapping at someone over it is bad. But I can see a path to this reaction quite easily, even if it’s a bad one.
For future reference. To me, being considerate of what someone likes means remembering their preferences and taking them into account when making decisions on your own. Since you were already interested in those sides, there was no reason to double-check.” stuphgoesboom
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Have you been burned before?
Lots of people saying that you’re the jerk but if you’ve had enough times where someone said “I don’t care, you pick,” you did, and then they didn’t like it and griped up a storm or that kind of situation then I can’t blame you for being extra cautious.
If this particular roommate has never backfired on you before though, you were being extra cautious for no reason.” canvasshoes2
14. AITJ For Insisting On Sitting With My Brother At An Event Instead Of His Partner's Friends?
“I (25F) moved recently to a new country really really far from home, with a new language and everything. I know nearly no one here except for my brother (27M), he’s been away for almost 10 years and we’ve only seen each other maybe 4 times since he left. He now lives 4 hours away from where I’m currently staying and I try to visit him once a month for a weekend.
He has a partner (26F who I’ll refer to from now on as SIL), they’ve been together for a little bit more than a year and live together. I haven’t had any issues with her but I’ve noticed that she is kind of jealous?
(She once got really angry with my brother because he accidentally called me sweetheart, which is how he usually refers to her.) I don’t know but I think this is important later.
Now, to the actual situation. I visited this past weekend, and there was this event my brother wanted to take me to.
5 tickets were needed, for my brother, me, SIL, and two friends of SIL. My brother got 2 tickets as a gift from his boss, so only 3 tickets were needed to be bought, but when he tried to buy them next to the gifted tickets there was no place so SIL’s friends bought 3 tickets in another zone, supposedly a better zone than the gifted tickets (the places were numbered).
When I spoke with my brother about the seating arrangement he said that we would figure it out but that we (he and I) would be sitting together, since the 2 strangers were SIL’s friends. That was really important for me since I’m not very social and even less in this new language, and also I travel to visit my brother so that’s the only person I care to spend time with.
The day before the event my brother told me that I’d have to sit with SIL’s friends because SIL wants to sit with him. I proposed different solutions (changing the tickets with SIL’s friends for example) but the only option that would leave SIL satisfied was her sitting with my brother alone and me being seated with these two strangers I know nothing about.
This turned into a huge argument between all of us because my brother wanted to do what SIL wanted to avoid fighting with her, but I stood my ground and told him that if that was the seating arrangement then I preferred staying at home while they went to the event (which is true).
Eventually, he got her to accept and I ended up being seated with my brother while SIL sat with her friends, but now she is angry at me.
Was I the jerk? This is really bothering me because I’ve only been around for a short time and this already happened with her and I want to have a good relationship with my brother, especially since he is my only family here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Under different circumstances, it might have been reasonable for your brother and partner to sit together but in this case, you were visiting and they were hosting you. You would not be able to communicate much with the people they wanted to sit you with.
So your request was reasonable. The problem is, it does you no good to be right. It was good for one event but now you have an annoyed person to deal with. If she and your brother stay together you’ll likely benefit from trying to move past it and befriending her.
The less said about the seating thing the better.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You clearly communicated what you were comfortable with and your brother agreed to your request. Not your fault he told SIL a different story. This situation was messy for no reason and it falls on your brother.
He could have sold the original tickets and not gone, bought new tickets all together, or he could have just accepted your request to stay home and bring his partner on a date. I don’t think your SIL is jealous, you’re literally only visiting one weekend a month.
I would probably apologize separately to SIL and tell her that you thought she was in agreement with the seating arrangement, but moving forward you three will communicate together about group things. I do think that you should build a community in your new country.
Join a hobby group, a workout class, or maybe even see a therapist to unpack your social anxiety. I get that you’re adjusting to a lot and it’s hard but your social anxiety is keeping you from the happy life you deserve. You’re going to need to be able to get through events like your brother’s wedding etc without being with him the whole time.” Ill-Gain7456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Perhaps SIL has a controlling personality. I had a SIL that needed to always be the ‘cruise director.’ If it was not her plan then it was wrong. There didn’t seem to be a logical reason other than she wants things to always be her way, no matter how it impacted other people.
For example, we were staying with them over a holiday. She announced she would be out that evening for her sister’s birthday. I made plans to meet another cousin that evening. I didn’t mention it to my SIL. Big mistake. My husband must have mentioned it and she got very angry.
She then said why don’t you come to the birthday party but we declined as we had only met them a couple of times. Finally, she called my cousin and canceled our plans as she was going to organize a breakfast the next day.
We were rushed as we had to get to the airport. It was in her personality to be like that. I don’t think I was intentionally not telling her. If someone announces they have plans, I don’t think it’s wrong to make your own plans.” Gallogator1
13. AITJ For Not Recommending My Partner's Work To My Professional Contacts?
“Both my (28M) partner (30M) and I are illustrators.
I work with children’s books and get assignments from different publishing companies, and he has done mostly corporate work but is interested in shifting towards children’s literature as well. So I agreed to recommend his work to some of my contacts, as soon as he prepares a portfolio that’s more fitting to the market’s demands.
He sent me some stuff he’s working on and I tried to give him some honest feedback. One of the things I said is that his work looks a bit derivative of Quentin Blake’s style (that’s the illustrator who worked on most of Roald Dahl’s books) and that he should keep practicing to showcase a more unique personality.
Despite telling my partner that this is part of the process – even mentioning that Tim Burton’s early illustrations were declined by publishers who found them too derivative of Dr. Seuss, he took the feedback very personally and I could tell he was a bit hurt.
I told him he must get used to it if he wants to build a career in this business, and if he likes his work as it is he can try to get his foot in the door through other means and maybe receive other opinions, but I will not be using my own network to recommend a professional that I don’t think is quite there.
He now told me to forget all about it and he will do it without my help. He makes it seem like I’m taking the “my way or no way” route. AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe you could connect your partner with other freelance illustrators so he can get other feedback without blowing his chances with the publishing business?
It’s hard when personal and professional relationships start to mix, and it’s possible that your feedback hit him differently because it was coming from his partner, who he was counting on to be supportive and not taking this as “work talk”. Either way, this is not a “my way or no way” situation like he’s suggesting – you’re entitled to be protective of your connections and your own career.
You’re NTJ.” miggovortensens
Another User Comments:
“His feelings may be hurt but you have to protect yourself and your business relationships. You’re a professional in a niche area and therefore have a good idea of what’s original and what isn’t. He should trust your judgment and maybe take a class or two to hone his skills and develop his own style.
You’ve given him constructive criticism and he can’t handle that. If he continues to use the same portfolio to try to get gigs, he will likely get rejected and slowly lose his confidence. He might be the type of person that needs to learn the hard way.
The other alternative is that he could get lucky and find another publisher that likes and will use his work. You’re trying to protect him and I think he’s sensitive and doesn’t see it that way. I think you did this for the right reasons and didn’t know the backlash that you’d get from him.
At the end of the day, it’s a him problem. NTJ.” blottymary
Another User Comments:
“My partner is a programmer. I used to be one before I became a project manager for IT. When he looked for a job, he was adamant to not take any feedback he asked me for.
I was honest with him, as someone who is also a team lead, and who does job interviews for our company, so I have some experience in what people are looking for. Nope, he wouldn’t listen to me. It felt like a stubborn toddler trying to wrestle me for his freedom to be stupid.
I had to drop the rope there. Decline any feedback, and told him he’ll figure it out on his own. He was glad that I stopped patronizing him. Might have helped that my friends, who are programmers, said exactly the same as me. Side note: he’s from a different country, and he wasn’t aware of how our job interview culture is different.
He got a job now, and he is happy with it. So it worked out. I need to let it go. Although I didn’t recommend him to certain companies with my name attached to it, because I wouldn’t want to risk my integrity with them, but I never told him, so…” Gold-Carpenter7616
12. AITJ For Cooking My Traditional, Spicy Food In Our Shared Kitchen?
“I’ve been living with my flatmates for a while and I’ve never heard anything bad about my food, which to be honest is a bit on the spicy side.
For context – there is another girl who is brown but she seems to have quite a lot of internalized racism (she can’t say a lot of the things she says).
However, I recently found out that my flatmates have been talking behind my back about how disruptive my cooking is, with one flatmate even claiming she had to “leave the room because she was coughing” when I was cooking Biryani.
It’s a traditional dish that smells quite nice in my opinion!
Unfortunately, we don’t have a window, but we have an AC system as well as oven fans (which I always keep on) and an air vent, so it’s not like the smell is trapped. And we can’t leave the door open, as there are heat detectors in the corridor that could set off the fire alarm.
I’m really hurt by them talking, and I’m worried that I’m pushing my flatmates away. For anyone curious, the food I was cooking at the time they complained to me in person was Paneer. On the one hand, I feel bad if I’m being inconsiderate but on the other, they cook things like baked bean “sushi” which feels like a slur haha?
Not sure what to do.
So AITJ for cooking ethnic food in our shared kitchen?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not a racist thing to be sensitive to strong cooking smells, especially since it sounds like you don’t have a well-ventilated kitchen. You are used to it, but they aren’t.
You didn’t realize it was a problem because they haven’t actually said anything to you, probably because they’re worried about offending you. Now that you know it bothers them, maybe you could either get something like a HEPA filter for when you’re cooking (it helps a lot) or tone down the spices.
I would say the same thing if you were cooking something like fish, which can be stinky, or Italian food and the garlic was smelling up the place (which it very much can). Everyone has to work to accommodate people when they live in a shared living situation.
If you ignore their discomfort and continue to think that they’re racist because of this, then you will be the jerk.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m Asian and I wouldn’t cook a lot of things that seem normal to me in a kitchen I share with other cultures unless they asked me to make that thing.
Indian cooking lingers. I lived in an apartment where the smell lingered in the hall and stairwell and we talked about them behind their back. Nothing we could do about it, it was their apartment so we complained about it. Of course, they will complain to each other – it’s a pungent smell.
Ask before you cook things that you know are very spicy and smelly. Tell them I am cooking on Sunday, I will try to be as considerate as possible but I am doing it because I know you’ll all be out. Something along those lines.
Also, baked bean sushi is amazing and don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Swimming-Study-8317
Another User Comments:
“INFO: You say you “found out” how they feel. Did they tell you or did you overhear or did someone else tell you? If they told you, y’all need to figure out what would help.
Sometimes things that most people enjoy the smell of irritate others. Vanilla-scented things make me ill, for example. Not actual vanilla, but the artificial scent. Maybe a HEPA filter or having one day when you cook extra spicy things and meal prep or something like that.
If you found out indirectly… Well, you’re still going to need to figure that stuff out. Though you can possibly approach it differently and take your time to think about what would and wouldn’t work for you before you approach them.” PepperVL
11. AITJ For Wanting To Split Holiday Time Between My Family And My Partner's Family?
“I (28F) and my partner (28M) have been together for a little over a year and a half. Last year we didn’t go to each other’s Christmas or Thanksgiving celebrations because we hadn’t been together long and we didn’t want to rush anything.
With that being said, for the past 4 years, my family and I have been doing a Thanksgiving weekend spending Wednesday night through Sunday morning together. My older brother and his wife live 9 hours away from us. A choice they made as they bought a home back in January (even though they both work from home) and we were so happy for them.
We still are! And her parents live in the same city so we understand her wanting to be close to them. Anyways, we would do Thanksgiving on Thursday, Black Friday shopping on Friday, and then Saturday my older brother would go and spend time with his buddy, usually most of the day.
While his wife, my mom, and I would hang out at home.
This year, my partner and I have chosen to try and make it to everyone’s holiday celebrations (his parents are divorced so he has two on his side vs. the one on my side).
So we (my partner and I) made the decision to go to my family on Thursday and then on Friday/Saturday, we would spend it with his side of the family. Well I told my mom the plan and she about freaked, she said things like “your brother has to work on Friday, who’s going to stay with (wife’s name)”, “so you’re only spending one day with us?” etc….
I stuck my ground and I told her our plan was one we both felt comfortable with.
As a courtesy, I made a group chat with just my older brother and sister-in-law in order to tell them our plans so there were no surprises. My older brother said “why can’t you hang out with us Thursday/Friday and with them Saturday/Sunday” and I told him that’s not what we agreed to.
He then proceeded to say “I’m not happy about it either since the whole point is to go up there and spend time with my immediate family” I told him I understood but this was the only way we could get to everyone. He said “it was unfair to them to drive 2 days to be here and only see me for 1 day and have a half-hearted commitment from me” He tried to throw the fact that we see my partner’s mom multiple times a year and we only see them maybe twice.
I told them that their choice to live several hours away is not my responsibility to accommodate, that we drove to see them in July and spent almost a whole week with them. I even suggested we spend Thursday/Friday with my partner’s family and Saturday/Sunday with my family and my brother said: “no because we leave Sunday”.
His wife chimed in and said that me saying that their choice to live far away is not my responsibility to accommodate to, hurt their feelings. I apologized as it was never my intention to hurt their feelings but it doesn’t negate the fact that it is true.
But now it’s eating away at me, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you need to break yourself of the reflexive habit of apologizing when someone else is upset although you’ve done nothing wrong. They chose to move long distance. You didn’t pitch a fit, you respected their choice.
Now you are making a choice, but it doesn’t fit with their plans, so they are name-calling and insulting you. People need to learn that different isn’t the same as wrong. You made the choice that was right for you. The only thing that you did wrong was to apologize; you are not responsible for their feelings or choices.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: As families blend or disconnect, holiday decisions are tough and people are going to be disappointed. Your family isn’t unreasonable for being disappointed, but you’ve also made a reasonable decision to try to share the holidays with all 3 households. It’s one thing to express disappointment, it is another to attack and guilt bait.
And, yes, it would have been wiser of you not to counterattack – but it’s a pretty natural reaction when people in glass houses throw stones.” SeaworthinessMain743
Another User Comments:
“You’ve been with your partner for over a year. My bet is that your family has known of the relationship for at least that long.
If none of them have had a thought that you might want to spend time with your partner and his family over the holidays until now, they are seriously unclear on the concept of “family” and “holiday” and “relationship.” All you are obligated to do is make plans that work for you and your relationship and tell your family your plans in a timely fashion.
Some level of disappointment is reasonable and tells how much your family values your company, but you have behaved like a reasonable adult here. NTJ.” Artistic-Tough-7764
10. AITJ For Refusing To Queue Behind Women To Use The Men's Toilets At A Work Party?
“Last night was our work Christmas party and we booked some tables at an event space hosting themed Christmas parties. It was in a huge marquee that had been beautifully decorated and there was a covered walkway leading to the coat check and, beyond it, the toilets.
The toilets in question were portable toilet blocks split into half one side for men and the other for women and had stalls and sinks with running water and, on the men’s side urinals as well.
This particular evening, the majority of the staff of the companies attending were women, probably 80-85% of the about 300 hundred guests.
About an hour in, I heard a commotion as a rather loud and intoxicated woman announced she was just “going to use the men’s.” She walked through the door to the men’s room, saw there were urinals, and shrieked “there are urinals!” before beating a hasty retreat.
I shake my head, straighten my shirt out, and leave not really thinking any more about it.
As the evening progresses the queue for the ladies’ room gets longer and longer and my female colleagues disappear for more extended periods of time with each trip.
Each time I go to the men’s room there is at least one woman in there but I simply shake it off and enter a stall and decide not to think about it.
It was my last trip to the loo (just before my husband collected me from the party) that made me question whether or not I’m the jerk in this story.
The ladies’ queue at this point is very extensive and sprawling and I scan the covered queueing area to see if there is a queue of men anywhere and not seeing one I decide I can just skirt around the women and enter the men’s side of the toilet block.
As I squeeze around the final woman and put my foot on to the step to enter the men’s room a very loud voice half slurs/half barks at the back of my head “THERE’S A QUEUE YOU KNOW!”
I turn, a little surprised, give another scan of the area and say; “I can’t see a queue for the men’s room.”
Her response is “WE ARE THE QUEUE.” She leans forwards while saying it and I get a distinct smell of rum wafting in my direction.
Taken aback, I reply with “But, this is the men’s room.”
She glares and replies with “well there aren’t enough ladies’ toilets so we’re using these too so You Have To Wait.” She jabs a finger at me to punctuate each of the last four words.
At this point, I’ve had enough and a cubicle door swings open a little way behind me as a woman in a navy sequined dress emerges. I reply; “No, I don’t have to wait as there aren’t any MEN queueing for the MEN’S TOILETS.” I then stomp over the recently vacated stall and attempt to slam the door behind me but fail to do so as due to the construction the door simply slowly glides shut.
So AITJ for refusing to queue behind women to use the men’s toilets?”
Another User Comments:
“The people who are at fault here (and at pretty much every other event I have ever been to) are the organizers – it’s a well-known fact that women have to queue for ridiculous amounts of time to go to the bathroom, even though we have physiologically smaller bladders and therefore need to relieve ourselves more often.
Providing more women’s bathrooms or creating unisex bathrooms would be a fairer approach. No judgment here.” TopSecret34Throwaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the toilets had been marked ‘family’ or ‘unisex’, then the line would have been for all the bathrooms. But they weren’t. Also, you didn’t get mad at the woman using the stall that caused you just enough wait to end up in conversation with the angry woman.
You just took the first available men’s stall when it became available and didn’t mind someone else using the stall when it was free prior to your arrival. (There are posts about folks doing that in the case of handicap (or diaper-changing table) stalls.) And last, I love you just a little for admitting that you tried to slam the door but that was a fail.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“As a woman who has, once in a while, used the men’s restrooms, that was nonsense. When you are a woman using the men’s room, the procedure is easy: Ask before entering. Be prepared to accept rejection. Wait, outside, for the last man in the restroom to leave, and politely ask him if he would be kind enough to be your lookout.
Again, be prepared to accept rejection. Hasn’t happened to me so far, every guy has been cool about it, so I have no idea what I’d do if dude said “No”. Not go, probably. Be as quick as possible. In and out. Don’t waste time.
Use hand sanitizer instead of washing your hands. Spend as little time as possible, since it’s not your space. If the bathroom is empty and there are no men to ask, go back to bring a friend to be your lookout. NEVER GO ALONE.” Interesting-Issue475
9. AITJ For Not Spending My Kids' Christmas Money To Attend My Sister's Wedding?
“My sister and I are about 13 years apart. She was around 4 or 5 when I moved out of our parents’ house on my own.
We’ve never really had a close relationship because of our age difference but she’s my sister and I love her regardless.
Since she became an adult she has had little to nothing to do with me or my children. She doesn’t invite us to anything, doesn’t call me to talk, doesn’t text.
She’s more like a distant relative and that’s understandable because, again, we have such a big age difference. We are in completely different places in life.
A year ago she got engaged to her partner. I’ve met him a handful of times and he seems like a good guy.
They decided they wanted to get married in a different state on New Year’s Eve.
During a difficult time, my family was practically homeless. We weren’t always sure where food was coming from. It wasn’t a great time for us and we went into pretty big debt just to survive.
As things have turned around and we’ve started taking care of that I’m sure it looks good to anyone outside my family.
When my sister announced the wedding would be so far away I was determined to make it work. Your baby sister only gets married once after all (hopefully).
I didn’t immediately RSVP as I was still trying to figure out if I’d fly, drive, or both. Trying to figure out the most cost-effective way to get my family to and from the wedding. It’s a good 24-hour drive so would need to be broken into at least 2 days each way.
My sister apparently told my mom she was upset that no one had RSVP for her wedding on her side of the family. My mom called me. It became a thing. So I let my mom know I’d be there.
I’m currently working two jobs as we are working to chip away the difficult time debt and my husband was laid off this past summer.
Taking 2 days off to drive there, a day for the wedding, then 2 days off to drive back is at least 5 days of missed work. 5 days before New Year’s Eve is December 26th so we’d be driving on Christmas to ensure some buffer time.
My dilemma – in order to make this work my kids (one of which has seen my sister twice in the last year and the other not at all) won’t get Christmas.
All the money we’ve saved up for Christmas will be spent on gas, the rest of the Airbnb, and food for the trip. We won’t have money to do fun things while gone, we won’t be able to buy Christmas presents. It would strictly be drive 24 hours to the wedding, watch wedding, drive back.
Adding extra to this, my sister asked my nephew to be part of the wedding as a ring bearer. My kids have been an afterthought. No one has asked them to be any part of the wedding at all.
So AITJ if I don’t spend my kids’ Christmas money to go to this wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Reach out to your sister and explain that going to her wedding – a destination wedding, is a hardship for you and your family. You can’t possibly have your son in her wedding (kinda crazy that she wants him, but I am assuming he is the right age and fits her silly vision for her wedding) People who have destination weddings should understand that it is a burden for their guests to travel and pay for accommodations, attire, food, and the time away from jobs and other commitments.
If they don’t – then they are being selfish and myopic. Especially during the holidays when everything is extra expensive, I wouldn’t put this burden on my family just to see your sister get married. But that is me. I would suggest that your sister and her husband come visit you and your family in the spring and you can look at the pictures of the wedding and the honeymoon, That would be so much more special for all of you rather than spending money you don’t have to watch the ceremony, eat rubber chicken while missing your kids – during the holidays.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“You are not required to go, it is an invite and not a summons. However, I will let you know that you need to get over this “my kids are the most important kids in the world and everyone needs to bow down and care about them” attitude.
“My kids have been an afterthought. No one has asked them to be any part of the wedding at all.” Your point? Your kids are important to you, but they are not going to be as important to everyone else. This attitude is just draining.” Logical_Read9153
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is a difficult situation, and no one is at fault. Financial hardship sucks, but if you don’t go, that might close the door on any warmer relationship in the future. Your sister clearly wants you at the wedding, or she wouldn’t have been upset when you did not RSVP.
But is it really true that the only two choices you have are ‘go to the wedding as a family’ or ‘have Christmas gifts for the kids’? For one; why not go by yourself? Bam. 75% cheaper, and a plane ticket might suddenly be cheaper than driving, earning you two days to work.
Your unemployed husband can watch the kids for a few days, it won’t kill him or them. Leave the 29th, or the 30th if you fly, because leaving on Christmas (three days early?) is nuts.
What kind of delay could possibly require 3 extra days of travel time, adding Airbnb fees and food costs?
And that’s just the basics; if you have family close by, ask to travel together. Share an Airbnb. Split food costs, or bring pre-made sandwiches and fruit in a cooler for lunch. Everything will shave off several dollars of the final bill. You can also reach out to family to help.
Talk to your mom, maybe she can help with the travel or gifts. Finally, there are also many organizations out there that buy Christmas gifts for poorer families, like churches and food banks. I know people are hesitant to reach out, especially when ‘they could afford gifts if they made some sacrifices’.
But you were almost homeless recently. You are in debt, on a single income, through no fault you made. You’re struggling to make ends meet. The world is full of people who would love to help if you let them.” Any_Resolution9328
8. AITJ For Being Upset With Friends Over A Secret House Purchase For Our Event?
“Every year our friend group hosts a Secret Santa event. A major part of this tradition involves booking an Airbnb where most of us (around 12 people) plan to stay, though not everyone ends up sleeping there. Typically, we spend a few hours on Discord searching for Airbnbs that meet our criteria—location, capacity, budget, etc.—and bookmarking options for further review.
This year, our entire friend group followed the usual process, spending hours searching through listings and bookmarking potential choices to revisit later. Then, about two weeks ago, half of the group (let’s call them Group B) suddenly stopped communicating with us (Group A) and went completely silent on Discord for an entire week.
This abrupt change left Group A confused, prompting us to ask questions about what was going on and why Group B had stopped communicating with us.
Suddenly, a few days later, Group B’s main planner—the person who typically leads our event coordination—announced that he had booked a “surprise” Airbnb that was within budget and located in a great area.
While Group A appreciated the effort, we requested more details, wanting at least some basic information about the place. However, the planner refused to provide any specifics, repeatedly responding with “trust me” and informing us that each participant would need to contribute $60 (more details on that later).
As days passed, Group A grew increasingly confused and uneasy about this Airbnb, which we were expected to help pay for, without any assurance or photos of what we were actually funding. Then, a friend close to some members of Group B (we’ll call him “J”) let us know that the planner had recently purchased a house where everyone in Group B would be moving in.
While we recognized this as an impressive feat for Group B, we were still confused by their continued insistence on presenting it as an Airbnb so we needed to contribute $60/person.
With this information, Group A tried to get confirmation from Group B, but they wouldn’t budge, even as the Secret Santa event came closer.
J also told us that part of the so-called “surprise” was that we wouldn’t actually need to pay anything, since the planner owned the house.
Finally, last night, Group B revealed the truth: they had moved into a newly acquired house, and it would be the location for our Secret Santa event.
Group A wasn’t thrilled about the week of lies and secrecy over something we had initially believed was an Airbnb we were expected to fund.
Group B is not happy with us, claiming that we acted essentially like babies for not being more supportive of their actions in getting this house for our event.
AITJ for making them feel disappointed in us by reacting in a disgruntled/annoyed manner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s weird that this was a secret. Presumably, if Group A had simply been told Group B’s plan from the beginning there would be no issue.
Anyone in group B could have come forward and said “Hey, we’re all going in on a house together so finances are tight. But there’s plenty of space so we’re happy to host and save everyone the extra cost this year.” Easy grown-up discussion. If you all want to stay friends I’d try to discuss why it felt uncomfortable but otherwise chalk it up to poor communication on their part and move on.” Feelinggross99
Another User Comments:
“I think you were totally justified in feeling the way you did. Clear communication is CRUCIAL, especially when it involves money and group decisions. For Group B to keep everyone in the dark, refusing to share even basic details and expecting you all to just ‘trust them’… that’s a massive red flag right there.
Surprises are one thing, but when it involves planning and contributions, transparency is key. If you ask me, the reaction from your group (Group A) was a reasonable response to their lack of transparency. You were essentially being asked to fund something without any real context.
This isn’t about not being grateful; it’s about having reasonable expectations and respecting everyone’s input in the planning process. If Group B can’t understand that, then maybe they need to reflect on the importance of open communication in group planning!” Bids19
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s hard to be supportive when 1) you don’t know what is going on (i.e. the purchase of the house) and 2) other plans are in limbo because there is no communication from the event organizer. If I were in the situation, I would be happy for the new homeowner, but I would also be somewhat miffed because of the lack of communication.
If you look at the plain facts, nothing much has changed: part of the group will stay at the main location (previously the Airbnb) and the other group members will stay somewhere else. It sounds like the event organizer (a non-paid position that takes a lot of time, I imagine) got wrapped up with house purchasing tasks (which could be a 24/7 job in itself).
It sounds like this is a longstanding friendship. I suggest that anyone with hot heads take some time to cool down. I hope that harsh language has NOT been exchanged between the two groups.” AgeLower1081
7. AITJ For Not Cooking Dinner For My Roommate After They Criticized The Menu?
“I (28F) have a roommate (27NB). We are best friends and have lived together for a couple of months now. This happened last night, my roommate called me to talk about their day and how it was super stressful which is fair.
They spoke about how they didn’t want to have to do anything when they got home so I mentioned that my partner would be over and we were gonna offer to cook them dinner anyways so it’s perfect!
They asked “What’re you cooking?” I say “grilled cheese and tomato soup!” They then said “well what kind of grilled cheese?” My partner makes the best grilled cheese with cream cheese and then we will just pick another random cheese or two to go with it.
I explained the type and they said “that’s doing too much, what happened to simple grilled cheese. It should be just bread, butter, and a single cheese”. I explained how no it’s actually so so good and mentioned a dive bar that they know of that has a 7 cheese grilled cheese so it’s normal to get creative.
Moving on, they ask what kind of tomato soup, “like a can of Campbells?”, “no, it’s a tomato, butternut squash and pumpkin!” To which they respond “white people are always doing too much” (we are white, this is just a joke).
Anyways, they then changed the conversation and never said that they wanted dinner so I assumed they didn’t want any.
My roommate got home later that night while my partner and I were eating our – very delicious – dinner. To which they exclaimed, “you didn’t make me any?” I said, “no, you didn’t seem very interested in what we were cooking.”
They said it was all a joke but were visibly and energetically upset and asked if there was any left. So I told them there were plenty of ingredients left if they wanted to make some themselves.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The roommate made dismissive even rude comments about the food. OP had no reason to think they would want the food to begin with. Also in what universe are you expected to automatically prepare food for a roommate, unless there is a clear agreement like person A cooks dinner on certain days and person B on other days, roommates usually eat separately.” CuriousEmphasis7698
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want dinner, say so. We have a pretty ND household. One of my kids is an adult, has a job, and goes to school. They’re busy a lot. If they don’t tell us they will be home for dinner … we don’t make/get dinner for them.
Less food waste and less frustration on our part. There’s food available in the house, when they’re here and want to eat.” esmerelofchaos
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get where your roommate was coming from. Campbell’s Tomato Soup and a regular grilled cheese sandwich is a “comfort food” meal. Something many people had as kids, and find very comforting because it is familiar, which sounds like something your roommate might have wanted when they finished a stressful day.
They may have preferred the more traditional version, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t interested in having you cook for them. After all, many people think the “best food” is anything you don’t have to make yourself. They were a little rude to question your menu, and I understand why you thought they weren’t interested. But maybe in the future just check.
“So do you want some, or not?”” 1962Michael
6. AITJ For Being Upset That My Fiancé Gave Our Dream Wedding Venue To His Brother?
“I was engaged 11 months before this situation and looking for the right venue. On a trip, I fell in love with a venue and said to my fiance out loud that we should look at it.
My brother-in-law heard me say this, then pulled my fiance aside and said that his partner wanted to get married there and if we could get married there after them (I found out about this convo weeks later). Keep in mind they weren’t engaged yet, but supposedly the partner has wanted to get married there since she was 12.
So then when I emailed the venue my fiance told me about the convo and said if I really want to… But it was said in such a way that it really wasn’t an option.
I think of my life with my fiance as separate from his family.
We are our own unit with little overlap of friends. In addition, after that comment it wasn’t really if I could use the venue or not, it’s that I could have it after them. So I then had to wait for their wedding and another year in between at least because the family lives abroad and can’t make big trips like this twice a year because time and money.
How am I supposed to know that venue wasn’t allowed? My heart was set on it, but now my fiance thinks I’m the crazy one to think they took it from me because they had “dibs” on it since she was 12 and wasn’t engaged.
In addition, my fiance didn’t defend me to his brother during a conversation about it (which I’m finding out about now).
Instead of saying “hey she loved it and imagined her wedding there and you asked a brother favor from me, so you can see why my fiance would be mad that she didn’t get her wedding there and you should understand that” and instead said “I don’t agree with my fiance and she’s crazy to be mad that I promised you that you could get married there first”.
Now I’m mad that my fiance didn’t defend me and called me crazy, or saw my side of the story, and to me, it seems like he chose his brother’s happiness over mine. Then my fiance is mad at me for making a big deal out of this when he said it was their venue first.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It would almost be understandable if they were already engaged and looking for venues, but they don’t get to call dibs for a wedding that may never happen. I’d be upset with your fiancé to the point of not wanting to marry him any longer.
One of the most attractive qualities of my husband is that he puts no one before me. He defends me when his mother is a miserable cow. You need a much more extensive conversation about how the future will look so that you can decide if this is an isolated issue or if it’s a pattern that might be best to avoid by choosing a different man.” o2low
Another User Comments:
“You know that saying “if he wanted to, he would”? That is this situation. I just got married. I planned it all. You know what my husband did? He said I was to get what I wanted. Didn’t matter what anyone else said or thought he wanted me to be happy above all else.
That’s what we should want for our partners, especially when it comes to a wedding. Please think long and hard about that. I also suggest talking with your fiance about this and asking him why he is willing to put his brother’s SO’s wants ahead of your own.
Especially when they aren’t even engaged. Best of luck and definitely NTJ.” Accurate_Shop_5503
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your fiancé is putting his family before you. Is this something he does frequently or is this a one-off? You need to take a good hard look at past actions and see if this is a pattern.
Then you need to decide if you want to live your life always being second to his family. His brother isn’t even engaged yet and it could be a year or two before they get engaged, so you’re supposed to wait years to get married at the venue you want because you can’t go before them?
That’s just absolutely ridiculous.” seaturtle541
5. AITJ For Letting My Husband Prove He Does Everything Around The House?
“I (25f) have been married to my husband (29m) for 5 years. I am a stay-at-home mom to 2 kids (4f) (1m). While I was making breakfast this morning, my husband was breaking down boxes so he could take out the trash and recycling that had piled up over the last week while we were all busy with Halloween activities.
A box filled with packing peanuts got spilled when he picked it up, and one comment from him about spilling them ended up turning into a big argument about how I don’t help with chores around the house. For the record, the only 2 chores we agreed would be his responsibility were dishes and taking out the trash.
Every once in a while I will ask for help with changing a diaper or feeding the kids the food I’ve already prepared, but the 2 main chores he has are dishes and trash. I take care of their laundry, I take them places during the day for their education and entertainment (library, children’s museum, etc.) I try to fit a load of dishes in during nap time while our daughter eats lunch to try and help when the dishes are starting to get out of hand, and sometimes if he’s particularly tired after a day, he’ll ask me to help with dishes so he can go to bed.
Unfortunately, for the past week, both the trash and the dishes went neglected while we were running around doing Halloween activities with the kids. So in the argument this morning, he claimed that he does everything and has to beg me to do even just one load of dishes a month.
And now he’s told our daughter that I’m being sarcastic because I left to go eat my portion of the breakfast I made for the family in our bedroom while he finishes figuring out how to get all the trash taken out, do a load of dishes, feed our son the eggs I made, and find a way to entertain our daughter and keep both kids out of trouble while he’s busy.
And that’s still not everything I do, because I managed to find a minute to do the kid’s laundry earlier this week and I’m the one who made breakfast before the argument started.
AITJ for letting him prove he does everything if he’s going to claim it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get “Fair Play.” Come at it from a place of wanting fairness and a solution. Tell him that you hear him, and you want to understand more about how he is feeling. Ask him to go through fair play with you and divide the household chores so that it can feel more fair, and he has more choices.
It will quickly bring to light all that needs doing in a house and it will allow for real conversations about what needs doing and how often. Stop fighting. It will always be me against you and you need to be partners.” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time to play malicious compliance. Tell him you agree, and feel there’s an imbalance in the balance of work in the home during your shared time together. When he’s home, write down every childcare duty you have, every cleaning chore you do, every single time you take on the mental load for him.
Ask him to write down what he does when he’s home while you’re home. Agree that when one or both of you are out of the house, that time is “neutral time” and whoever is home with the other is not, is simply responsible for keeping the trains moving.
Compare lists. He works a job while you stay home with the kids, but when you both are home together, you both should be equally sharing the load, whatever that looks like. One washes dishes while the other changes diapers and entertains the kids (not ignoring them while watching TV).
One is vacuuming the house while the other plans the grocery shopping and weekly errands that need running, and when they get done. One is doing laundry while the other is cleaning out clothes for donation. My partner and I both have jobs and when one is working OT that week, the other is lifting for them.
When we’re both home, we lift equally. If one has a bad day/week, the other lifts for them – because we know it’ll come back for us. And if I’m sick with the flu and my partner is cleaning the dishes and the bathroom after I get sick in it, I’m not complaining at her for not getting the dusting done that week.” redlips_rosycheeks
Another User Comments:
“My husband might have thought that once upon a time but I started doing a blog early on in our marriage and went to a conference once leaving him home alone with ALL the kids for a long weekend. Day two he sent flowers to my hotel room.
Day three chocolates and a love note dictated to the hotel gift shop. Lol!! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or in your case perhaps the jerk quieter. Book an Airbnb room somewhere close with a hot tub and go away for an extended weekend.
Tell him to call you when he’s ready to eat crow and take back his ridiculous words.” Mysterious_Book8747
4. AITJ For Not Paying My Ex For A Holiday I Didn't Go On?
“I (33f) ended a relationship with my ex (53m) in March.
For context: we were together for around 2 years (long-distance relationship) and I asked him a couple of times to help me financially (the whole amount is £300) which he always refused to pay back to him.
When I broke up with him he immediately demanded it back; told him I will pay him back at the end of the month when I am getting paid. Which I did even a few days earlier than my payday. Then he transferred it back, saying, we do this at small claims court.
Also, whilst we were together he and his family planned a holiday that August which I would have been part of, obviously once we split up I didn’t go. He wants me to pay back £800 – an odd amount for a holiday that he and his family had but I never took part in.
A Christmas earlier I received a concert ticket as a gift which he demanded back as well, saying he might as well sell it to someone now that we split up. I sent the concert ticket back.
AITJ for not paying him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t about money, it’s about him trying to keep you from moving on. If he wanted the £300, he wouldn’t have sent it back. There’s no reason to take it to small claims court, except to make you worry about it. He wants entanglements, he wants arguments–he wants you to be thinking about him.
I highly advise you to block his number and his email. If he wants to take you to court you will get a summons. Don’t let him live rent-free in your head.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Petty old man. Imagine demanding £300 back just for him to return it to you to take you to small claims court.
It won’t be free so instead of having the £300 sitting nicely in his account, he’ll have to deduct the application fee and whatever other charges to take you to court. What an idiot. If he takes you to court over the £800 and tickets as well then the judge will laugh him out of court because the concert tickets were a gift and you shouldn’t have to pay £800 for a holiday you never went to.
If flights are involved then usually you should be able to pay a fee to switch it to someone else. You’re better off just blocking him now. He wants control so don’t give it to him.” SweetBekki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t go on the holiday – if he went to small claims he would have to prove there was a ticket with your name on it that wasn’t used and he was not able to cancel.
The burden of proof is on him. As for the £300, you did actually pay that back to him and you have proof. What he did with it then is irrelevant. He can’t reject it then claim you didn’t pay him back – that’s ridiculous and he’d be laughed out of court.
If he does go that far, you will need to respond to the court or he’ll win by default.” tiggergirluk76
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepson To Display A Tribute To His Late Mom At My Wedding?
“My fiance (42) and I (36) are getting married before the end of this year. He has a son (17) from his former marriage with his late wife who passed away from cancer. I’d like to think that my stepson and I have a good relationship. However, he is the most sensitive and emotional kid I’ve ever met.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing…..but it does make it difficult for me to deal with him sometimes.
He said he has already prepared a PowerPoint project in honor of his mom and is planning on playing or displaying it at the wedding.
This was an instant no from me for many reasons. My fiance said we should let him because he just wants to remember and honor his mom. I told him that on this occasion, the wedding has nothing to do with my stepson’s mom so I’m not sure why there should be a whole PowerPoint project there at the wedding about her.
It takes away guests’ attention and makes them confused. My fiance said we have to respect his son’s wishes and also said he’ll pay for the screen and everything. We had a huge fight about it and I refused to even consider it. The whole thing is just a no-go.
I even offered to have maybe a few pictures or a seat as an alternative but my stepson isn’t having it.
Things have been pretty tense now. My stepson isn’t talking to me, my fiance just keeps trying to guilt me into saying yes and it’s all just making me feel overwhelmed.
AITJ for refusing to make this happen? My fiance commented saying my refusal is an indication that I have an issue with my stepson’s mom and that I’m being unfair to him since he spent so much time and effort to prepare this project that obviously…means a lot to him.
Side Note – This isn’t about my stepson’s mom. I don’t have any negative feelings towards her. In fact, I think that she was a fighter (battled cancer not once but twice), she played a huge role in what my fiance has become now and I’m so grateful for that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the right to make the day be about your current love with your fiance, not to feel like you’re living in his deceased wife’s shadow. I don’t think the kid is a jerk, I think the wedding is making his grief come back to the surface, but your husband kinda is.
Sit down with your stepson and ask him to show you the slideshow. As you go, ask him to tell you stories about his mom and all the wonderful things he remembers about her. Then tell him that she sounds like she was a wonderful person, and she deserves to be remembered in her own context, and propose that you have a memorial service on a given day this year- say, the anniversary of her death, or her birthday- where she can truly be celebrated. (Maybe set this as like a month or two before the wedding for your sake).
Suggest that this be a special party that he plans, with help if needed. Then say “I know you wanted to play this at the wedding, but it’s beautiful and it really deserves to be used at a celebration that is about your mom, not at a party to celebrate your dad and me.
Let’s use this for our memorial service instead.” In other words – affirm his grief and give him an outlet for the work he did, but stand firm. And don’t let your fiance be part of that conversation. Separately, let him know that this was a poor way to handle his son’s grief and that it made you feel disrespected and less than.” tulleoftheman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Being unfair to him since he spent so much time and effort to prepare this project that obviously…means a lot to him.” Yes, without ever clearing it with anyone. This is along the lines of “it is easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.” Wow!
I can’t even! This has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WEDDING. THIS IS MAKING THIS ALL ABOUT THE DEAD WIFE!!! I don’t mean to sound insensitive but this is SO WRONG! Honey, wake up and smell the coffee. Both your fiance and your future stepson are making this all about the deceased wife/mother and they are leaving you in the dust. This is a war you will never win.
GET OUT NOW! They have made their priorities clear. You will never be one.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am shocked that your fiancé thinks this is ok on any level. This is a slap in the face to you and your family. There is a time and place to honor his mom.
Your wedding to his dad isn’t it. Make this your hill to die on and stick to it. If they go behind your back and do it anyway then I hate to say you married a man who will never put your feelings and well-being first. If it were me I would walk out of the reception.
Contact the venue and instruct them not to allow a screen set up. Because I honestly think they will try to do it anyway.” murphy2345678
2. AITJ For Wanting To Replace Our Baby's Formula Can After My Husband Spilled Water In It?
“My (30f) husband (33m) spilled water in our only can of formula that we have right now and didn’t tell me.
I found out when I opened the can over an hour later and there was a bunch of goopy, mud-like formula inside. He didn’t flood the can, but it wasn’t just a few drops of water either.
When I found out and went to tell him that I needed to go get a new can because the old can is essentially no longer safe to use, he got angry and said that was stupid and we could just still use the parts of the can that are still dry.
I reiterated that I didn’t think the can was safe any longer and he said again that that was stupid and that I’m just going to waste a bunch of money for no reason.
AITJ for thinking the can needs to be replaced?”
Another User Comments:
“Baby formula is only good for 2 hours at room temperature. Assuming this happened during a previous feeding, it could have been anywhere from 2 hours onward that the water was mixed in the can of formula, sitting at room temp. The rest of the container would likely be compromised, and with infants, you should take no chances.
A new can was needed. He should have gone to buy a new one immediately or told you sooner. He is stupid for not knowing how to use formula properly and safely. NTJ.” Timely-Safe2918
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. A lot of people are citing mold as their concern but I think we should all be more concerned about bacteria.
Specifically, Cronobacter bacteria which is commonly found in dried and powdered foods (including powdered infant formula). We should remember that powdered infant formula is NOT sterile and there is no way for manufacturers to remove all possible presence of Cronobacter. The most common cause of Cronobacter infection in infants is improperly prepared infant formula.
Preterm and low birth weight infants are at especially high risk of severe complications with Cronobacter infections. Prepared powdered formula should be consumed within one hour or promptly refrigerated if prepared in advance. It’s better to be over-cautious and avoid a serious infection that can have severe complications.” manicbookworm
Another User Comments:
“Anyone saying he’s not the jerk for “making a mistake” but he is for risking his child’s safety…is this a “mistake”? He obviously tried to hide it or avoid it by covering it up/acting like nothing happened. He said nothing and didn’t immediately go to the store himself.
It’s not really a mistake when it’s intentionally weaponized incompetence at best. He got angry? Why do men only resort to anger, especially when they make “mistakes”? He’s definitely the jerk for a few reasons that are all red flags. You’re not going insane OP, but this is a sign your husband isn’t a safe or trustworthy person.” sillybirb1995
1. AITJ For Asking The Groom's Name At My Mother-In-Law's Wedding?
“We had to go to my husband’s mom’s wedding last week. Honestly, it was one of those obligation things for me as we don’t have a good relationship, but I wasn’t going to make him go alone.
We’ve never met the groom. We wanted to leave right after dinner because we didn’t know anyone, and honestly, I was a bit salty about spending my Saturday night at her wedding. So we went over to congratulate them as soon as we could.
I was like “Congratulations, and sorry what is your name again?” He told me but MIL made a comment that I was trying to embarrass her.
I said I wasn’t, I literally don’t know the dude’s name. I know they said it during the ceremony, but I forgot. MIL said it was fine and she wasn’t embarrassed, but I totally did it on purpose.
We left and honestly, that interaction has been annoying me.
My husband said it was a tiny bit rude because we did have a paper invite, but he said it was fine. MIL’s friends were looking at me like I was so rude for asking.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Simple congratulations don’t require using a name.
If most people don’t know a name they hide it to be polite. It’s clear you were trying to make them aware you didn’t know his name… even though it was on the invitation and they said it during the ceremony “I’m Carol congrats it’s nice to finally meet you” would have been more appropriate and he would have introduced himself as well.” friendlystonergirl
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you could’ve just NOT said any name? ‘Congratulations to the both of you!’ Done. This feels way too unnecessarily rude for no other reason to be petty to someone you don’t like so you could feel special. You very clearly went up to them with the intention of acting like you didn’t know his name and got a little thrill out of it, admit it.
Also, it’s really impossible to believe the guy’s name wasn’t plastered all over, every wedding ever puts the couple’s names on everything.” painted_unicorn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You literally didn’t have to say anything if you genuinely didn’t know his name, you could’ve just said congratulations.
You made it a point to say I don’t know your name and I couldn’t be bothered to learn it. You may not have a good relationship with the woman but going to her wedding and acting that way only made you look bad.
I don’t know if you were actually trying to embarrass her but clearly you were trying to do something negative on her wedding day. Grow up.” freyesphinx
