People Feel Fatigued By These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Naming My Baby After Our Stepmother, Despite My Sister's Future Baby Name Plans?
“My sister and I were raised by our stepmother and father. Our stepmother was very close to us and more of a mother than our actual mother has ever been.
She passed away about five years ago after losing her battle with cancer. Her name was Leigh-Ann and it was very important for me to honor her by naming my child after her. We selected the name Leanna to honor Leigh-Ann while being somewhat different and more modern.
My sister had the same idea of wanting to honor Leigh-Ann and named her 2yo Lee. We told her that we chose the name Leanna for the child we were expecting. Sister is very upset because she said that it clashes with Her baby’s name choices.
My sister is not currently pregnant but wanted to name her future daughter Ann or Anna as another way to honor Leigh-Ann. She thinks it would be stupid for her kids to be named Lee and Anna with a cousin named Leanna.
I agree that that would be confusing as we have a pretty close family and the kids would be seeing each other a lot.
However, we had no clue that she wanted to do another honor name for a future kid. Going into this we knew that Lee and Leanna are pretty similar names but I thought they were different enough that it wouldn’t be too weird or confusing.
I do feel bad because she already had a baby name picked out for her future daughter and we would somewhat be making it “not able to be used”. However, we were both close to Leigh-Ann and I don’t think she should be the only one that gets to use an honor name.
At the end of the day, she can still name any future kids whatever she wants. And I have the same right.
After thinking long and hard about it, we told her that we were still gonna use the name. We want to honor Leigh-Ann and no other names considered “feel right” for this baby.
Sister has been making passive-aggressive comments since then.
For example, we were out shopping with her, and Lee and Lee picked out some kind of stuffed animal. Lee dropped in the Walmart parking lot on the way back to the car. My sister quickly picks it up and hands it to him saying “careful buddy, she might want to steal that too”.
I’m pretty sure she was trying to imply that we stole a version of his name or something but the whole interaction was pretty weird in my opinion.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister needs to calm down. 1) She doesn’t get to be the only one to honor your stepmum.
2) She doesn’t get to nix your name choice on some potential future baby. What if she has another boy? 3) What a messed up thing to say to a kid. Seriously wtf is wrong with her? I have a brother John and two cousins named John … no one got mad at anyone else.” Accomplished_Pea2556
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but expect it to be something that comes up now and then for a while. The key here is that the issue your sister is having is not that you want to honor your stepmother as well, but that you are choosing something that interferes with her plans.
Oh well. Name your kid what you want to name here. You have a baby on the way who needs a name, not an imaginary baby who may or may never exist.” rockology_adam
22. AITJ For Eating Pecking Duck My Way At Family Dinner?
” I (27F) have a younger brother Vincent (24M), and he is married to Kayla (23F), and they have a kid named Marcus (6M, adopted).
Every year right before they go out with friends for Thanksgiving, we all meet up at our parents’ house for a family dinner. This year, we ordered pecking duck (a traditional Chinese dish with duck, a sauce, cucumber strips, and other vegetables in a bun.) The way I normally eat pecking duck is by putting all the fillings on one side of the bun, then slathering the other side with sauce using my chopsticks.
Note that I use the back end of the chopstick to spread the sauce and use the front for grabbing food. The sauce never touches the food.
This is Vincent’s first time bringing Kayla to one of these dinners, and they leave Marcus with a nanny.
On a side note, for the 6 years Vincent and Kayla have been together, Kayla has always been obsessed with being sanitary. I don’t shame her for it, as to each their own. However, Kayla kept giving me glares across the table every time I spread the sauce, staring at my chopsticks.
My mom eventually noticed and asked her what was wrong. She stood up, saying “I can’t take it anymore. Can’t you see how disgusting that is? Dipping her chopsticks into our food?” I stared at her appalled. The part of my chopsticks that went into my mouth and on my food hadn’t even touched the sauce.
She kept her screaming rant on about how unsanitary I was and how she was so disgusted. When she stopped, I calmly asked her if she was done, and told her that none of my sauce nor saliva ever touched her food and that she could sit down and be quiet.
The meal felt awkward and when Vincent said goodbye, Kayla just strutted off angrily.
My mom says that she had a right to complain as it was her first time seeing me eat pecking duck although she went a bit overboard, while my dad is on my side and said that what Kayla did was completely unnecessary.
Vincent is neutral, although he did apologize on behalf of Kayla and for not telling her about me earlier. Kayla yelled at me over text later about how I’m an unsanitary jerk and how I didn’t need to embarrass her. I’m quite glad Marcus didn’t come to that dinner.
He’s diagnosed with hyperacusis and with how loud Kayla was, I’d feel bad for the poor kid. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe she’d be more comfortable if she was given an individual serving of sauce on the side for her use only. Not your fault she doesn’t know how to eat with chopsticks though” Justbeenice._
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get you were triggered and her reaction made you angry but I can see how that would be perceived as gross either way; you could have clarified without telling to sit and be quiet. You said your brother apologized for “not telling her about me” so can’t help but wonder what else you do if a briefing is required. Be polite, take the sauce you want, and put it on your plate with a spoon.
Then do what you want with it. A small gesture that would likely be appreciated by everyone at the table, but that’s just my take.” Me-thinks-so-me-are
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here because she caused a scene which is not appropriate. You’re a jerk for having poor table manners.
I’m assuming you and your family aren’t Chinese if you think using chopsticks like that is appropriate but even if you aren’t it’s always rude to repeatedly dip in and out of shared sauce. Use a spoon to put the sauce on your plate and then do what you want.” IntsyBitsy
21. AITJ For Correcting My Cousin's Lie About My Height In Front Of His Partner?
“In my family, on my dad’s side, there’s a pretty common trend where all the men are pretty tall and all the women are super short.
My grandma is 5 feet tall, and my grandpa is 6’3, for example. This held for most people, with two noticeable exceptions. I (18 ft) am 6ft and my cousin (17 m) is 5’6. This is a sour topic for him, as the family would tease him for it when he was younger.
They also used to tease me for how “manish” my height made me, so I understand how frustrating it is. I never teased him for his height growing up (which is relevant to the story).
Recently, my cousin got a partner (18 F). I don’t know much about her, but she seems nice.
She’s around my cousin’s height. My cousin took her to our most recent family gathering at my grandparent’s house to introduce her to the family. To note, every woman on my dad’s side of my family is shorter than my cousin. The only two women taller than him there were my mother (who is 5’7) and me.
So I stood out a bit when I came to introduce myself. As I went to shake her hand, the girl commented on how tall I was and I laughed, brushing it off. But then my cousin said “Well that’s mostly because she wears lifts.
Without them, she’s shorter than me.”
I do not wear lifts, and was confused by him saying this. I asked what he meant, clarifying that I don’t wear lifts and that I’m just taller than him. He got huffy and ushered his partner away. He didn’t speak to me the rest of the day.
I told my mom about it, and while she said she found it funny, she advised that it may have been best not to hurt my cousin’s pride. She said teenage boys are emotional and he’d probably be mad at me for a while after I embarrassed him like that.
She’s probably right; I didn’t mean to embarrass him, especially over something I know to be a sensitive subject. Maybe I could have been cooler about it since it didn’t matter. It just took me off guard. It also felt a little unfair for him to single me out and lie about me, especially when I had his back all those times our family would tease him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousin brought this on himself by lying about wearing lifts. However, it’s understandable that he’s super sensitive about his height since it sounds like the entire family except for you tormented him about it – doubly cruel when it’s something he has no control over.
There’s a 17-year-old in my house. They can be a bit moody. If possible, catch your cousin alone and explain to him that you understand how the family is about height because they’ve been at you for it, too – but that there’s no reason to lie about you to make himself look better.
You wouldn’t have mentioned the height if he hadn’t thrown the lie out there.” Own_Lack_4526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think your Mom assessed the situation pretty well… what he said didn’t make sense and you didn’t do anything wrong responding to his confusing comments, but it probably did embarrass and upset him and he’ll probably be a little sour about it the next couple of times you see him (hopefully he’ll get over it quickly).
Shorter guys are always sensitive about it and teenagers are easy to upset. Don’t feel bad though, he kinda brought it on himself.” Tdluxon
20. AITJ For Not Attending Family Holidays And Not Informing Them?
“Growing up, my family had always been super close. Celebrating every holiday together, taking vacations, the works. I have wonderful memories of all of these things.
I am now 28, have 2 kiddos of my own, and have always wanted them to experience the same family life as I had at their age.
In 2015, my grandmother passed away. It felt like our family came together to be there for each other around the holidays that year, but then it started to fall off.
My aunt was carrying the weight of organizing holiday meals and plans all by herself, while my mother never lifted a finger to help her. In 2019, my aunt passed away. My mother has now taken it upon herself to try and be the matriarch, but she’s less than credible.
She’s a fantastic cook, just a terrible person at heart.
For context, my mother did not raise me or my siblings. She was in prison for most of my childhood, so I was cared for by my grandparents, my brothers are both much older than me.
My mother is extremely narcissistic, toxic, and abusive, but my family raised me to “be the bigger person” when it came to her because “that’s just how she is.” Everyone gives in to her because no one wants the hassle of fighting with her. It always has to be her way, or she’ll throw a fit.
She never wanted to be my parent, only my friend, so I didn’t matter to her when I was young. Only now that I have kids does she want to be around. She gets angry if I show up to any event without my children.
This year, my family made a group chat without me or my brother in it. They planned Thanksgiving and Christmas without us, and we were informed that the holidays would be taking place 2.5 hours away from where we live. He and I were added to the group chat after the plans had already been made.
We both could not attend and were brushed off once we told them that we would not be there. I know that I’ll be yelled at if I don’t show up, but I’m honestly over it all at this point.
I do not plan on telling them that I won’t be there.
My partner and I have decided to start our traditions with the children without my family.
AITJ for not attending my family’s holiday dinners and not telling them that I won’t be there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Self-care is paramount, especially during the holiday season, which can be stressful enough as it is.
You’re not obligated to subject yourself to an atmosphere that drains you mentally and emotionally. It’s essential to set boundaries that protect your peace, and it sounds like skipping the family drama fest was a boundary you needed to set for yourself. If they truly care about you, they will strive to understand your need for space and work on making future gatherings less dramatic and more inclusive.
Stay firm in your decision, and don’t let guilt-tripping sway you. You deserve to enjoy your holidays too, drama-free.” SiennaWalker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you are building your own family without those people. Let them go. It doesn’t sound like they have anything to add to your world and lots to take away from it.
I wouldn’t let a parent like that near my children. She already blew it with you, growing up. Now you want to give her a shot at the grandchildren? I counsel you to rethink this proposition. Who cares if they yell at you? If they’re not paying your bills or providing your housing, write them off.
Go and build a better life.” Remote-Physics6980
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family has learned to try and verbally control people and gaslight them to do what they say. Toxic for you and you’ve had your limit. No need to expose your young impressionable kids to that type of behavior, because as you know is not appropriate.
Don’t worry about them, they love their drama and misery. They are just mad that you have learned to be happy and toxic-free on your own. IGNORE them!!!!” Suspicious-Star-5360
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Partner's Gambling Addict Brother?
“Here’s the main characters at play here.
Myself (30s F) / my partner ‘Eric’ (40s M) his twin brother ‘Brad’ (40s M) / Brad’s wife & Eric’s SIL ‘Patty’ (40s F) / Brad’s daughter ‘Elena’ (20s F). All fake names.
Brad recently had a relapse of his gambling addiction. He spent ~$3k in 1 night gambling on online poker.
He’s struggled with this in the past, but not anything in the last 5 years.
Patty & Elena, understandably, are very upset & disappointed. We all are. Brad is clearly in a very low place right now, & his depression is in full swing. Eric & I are trying to support him as best as we possibly can.
Patty reached out to me earlier this evening to say she & Elena are going to Disney World in December without Brad, & want us to stay at their house with him to take care of their dogs & to make sure Brad doesn’t relapse & isn’t by himself.
Due to a previous occasion of Eric & I staying at their house & being accused afterward of breaking their television (we didn’t, their nanny cams showed their dogs breaking it), we don’t feel comfortable with this. When they showed us the nanny cam footage of their dogs breaking the television by knocking it off the entertainment stand, we didn’t get an apology.
We just got blamed further by them saying that we should’ve been watching the dogs closer.
(Please note that during the time of the TV being broken, they had told us to go ahead & leave since their neighbors were coming over and we both had to work.
Their neighbors were the 1s in the house when the TV was broken, yet we got the blame).
When I expressed this to Patty, she got very upset & started saying that we aren’t being supportive of Brad, & how can we say that we are when we’re not going to go stay with him while she & Elena are gone?
Being a former addict myself (pain pills, currently 7 years sober, 8 in January), I do understand the need to have a good support system. That being said, I also understand that not everyone can drop everything to be there for someone else. Nor would I expect them to.
Patty is now blowing my phone up, saying Eric & I aren’t real family to Brad & we are going to cause him to relapse & start gambling again because we’re leaving him alone while they are out of town. She’s also using my recovery against me, saying that his addiction is more difficult than mine, & that I only got through it because I had support whereas Brad does not because Eric & I are ‘abandoning’ him.
Are we the jerks for not going to stay at their house to support Brad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Seriously? She and her daughter are leaving Eric alone, to go to Disney World of all things, but YOU’RE the one abandoning him? Still, you don’t say how long ago the TV thing was, but it’s a pretty weak excuse.
“I didn’t get an apology I think I deserved that one time that happened to be at your house, so I’m not going back.” If you don’t want to babysit your partner’s brother, who is a grown adult, then just say that won’t work for you.
You don’t need a lame excuse.” MurnSwag2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The best predictor of future outcomes is past outcomes. If you stay there and he gambles anyway, guess who will get the blame? Either he is committed to recovery or he isn’t. Your presence as a babysitter would not prevent him from engaging if he chose to.
As you are fully aware, you can have a team of people around you encouraging you, but if you are not on that team, it does no good. ” FairyCompetent
18. AITJ For Not Washing My Partner's Clothes If They're Not In The Basket?
“I (32m) met my partner Rita (30f) around 3 years ago, we both had a kid(s) from previous relationships.
Mine is Liselle (7) and she has Anette (7) and Anna (11).
We met as parents in the same kindergarten class. One thing led to another, we decided to move together in June, so she moved into my house and rented out her apartment.
She is perfect and we have loads of things in common, similar tastes in things and similar hobbies, but there is one little continuous “conflict”.
She is rather an evening person, I am a morning person and it works fine because I love that! Even though having 3 girls in the house, I have some private time every morning on weekends, which keeps me sane.
The problem? I was raised in a home without any gender-based jobs, I had no idea that there are such things as “women wash clothes and cook, men do the repairs”, and raising a kid alone for some years gave me no other options either – if you wanted clean clothes – you washed the darn clothes!
Or at least make sure those are in the basket as it was expected that when you do, you add in all the same color clothes! When my mother wanted new wallpapers, she changed the wallpapers.
So my routine every Saturday is to start washing machines and I have made clear that I only wash clothes that are in the baskets in the bathroom – and girls get it – their stuff is always there and the 11-year-old is even capable of washing her stuff if she suddenly needs something, but my partner has piles of clothes in the bedroom and I never know what is dirty, what is she planning to wear and she does not like to be woken up either.
She is not dirty or anything, but she is messy with clothes and tends to get mad at me that she has to wash her clothes separately as I don’t even try to figure out which of her clothes are supposed to be washed.
So she is not exactly calling me a jerk, but every now and then she is kinda mad at me for again washing the clothes without her stuff.
I keep telling her, that she has to take her stuff into the baskets.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! If she wants her clothes to be washed, she keeps them in the basket like everybody else. If she doesn’t, her clothes don’t get washed, it’s a simple rule.
It is not your responsibility to pick up after her. And if the girls can follow it, so can she.” BoredofBin
Another User Comments:
“She is mad at YOU because SHE forgets to put her dirt clothes in the hamper so that you can wash them?
That just makes no sense. She’s an adult: she should be able to understand how to put her clothes in a hamper: it’s not that hard. Suppose you had a child at home who just let their clothes pile up in their bedroom. Wouldn’t you, as a parent, tell them they don’t get washed unless they are in the hamper?
Come on, your partner can’t be that childish, can she?” plantrises
17. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Sister's Lifestyle After She Bought An Expensive Phone?
“My younger sister and I are both in our 20s. A few years ago, I moved out, went to school, and started well for myself. I got myself a two-bedroom apartment and I am well off. I am now married and my partner and I recently welcomed a baby.
Because I wanted to be a stay-at-home parent I am not bringing in any money, I’m staying home 100% of the time to bond with our baby before they go to kindergarten. My partner can afford to take care of the bills without help, if push comes to shove we’ll use my emergency fund.
Now here comes the issue. My sister still lives with my mom and before we welcomed our baby, I was my sister’s bank, whatever she needed I would pay for, and she would start something new only to quit again after a while. Over the years, I felt taken advantage of but would do it anyway, she’s my sister I love her, and I honestly hoped that the next thing would stick.
I told her I couldn’t do it anymore because babies are pricey and she had my mom and dad pay for stuff. Recently she started working at a low-paying job and she mentioned needing money for another project yet again, I told her I couldn’t do it and my parents delayed paying it for her.
I felt bad and thought I’d give her part of my savings till I heard she got herself a new iPhone. I flipped because her phone was in perfectly good shape and she certainly didn’t need a thousand-dollar phone. She thinks I’m being a jerk because I had said I would give her my savings but why should I use my own money when she’s getting herself a new phone?
I told her if it was that important she would’ve paid for it herself then she went on about how she doesn’t earn much.
Part of me wants to just give her because then my parents won’t have to fund her but a bigger part of me is upset because they are enabling her, and I don’t want to enable her out of my own pocket.
I had to pay for my school and juggle work and school to save money, so I think it’s unfair how her money.
Another issue is how she doesn’t look for me or text me unless I text her first, I’ve addressed this and her reasoning is always I was about to, months can go by, and when I text her her response will come.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for telling her she’s on her own but you’re YTJ to yourself if you let this continue. You have your own family now, and it’s way past due for her to grow up. It doesn’t matter that she’s your sister and you love her.
She is using you only for money. She knows she doesn’t need to hold down a job because you’ll be there for money when she needs it. Leave her to figure her stuff out and focus on your little family.” Outside-Ad1720
Another User Comments:
“Your parents aren’t the only ones who enabled her, you did it too.
Now with a family and the responsibility, you have new priorities in your life. If your parents are unable to set boundaries it’s their problem. You can talk to them and if they are willing to try to set boundaries you can help them.But your priority is your family.
Your sister isn’t a little child and if she wants new things she should work for it. NTJ” Maya2661
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-As a parent sometimes the right decision is the tough decision. Your parents and you need to stop enabling her. If she wants something enough, she will find a way.
Like getting a second job. Social life might diminish but she shouldn’t be spending money on that if she wants something. Plus a second job wouldn’t be forever unless she continues her bad spending. You are not her parent but are doing the same enabling.
Easy saying yes. Not always right.” Electronic-Lab-4419
16. AITJ For Not Allowing My Husband's Friend To Bring Her Dog To Our Thanksgiving Dinner?
“My husband asked if we could host Thanksgiving this year. We usually don’t host because our apartment is small, and we don’t have guest parking, but he was excited. We used to host events at our old place, and it was fun.
Most of our guests were friends; everyone agreed to bring a dish. One of his friends, let’s call her Chelsey, volunteered to make the turkey.
On Thanksgiving day, one of his other friends asked if she could bring her cat. I said no pets because, as mentioned, we live in a small apartment, and it’s a dinner gathering.
I didn’t think it would be comfortable for anyone, including the pets. My husband suggested we also let Chelsey know about our no-pet rule, and I agreed. I was a bit hesitant, though, because Chelsey is one of those people who likes to bring her dog everywhere.
If she can’t get the dog, she arranges for a sitter. In the past, she has caused some tension when her dog wasn’t allowed at other events.
I told my husband to text her to check if she was planning on bringing her dog, as I didn’t think it would be a good idea.
I also offered to talk to her myself because my husband isn’t as comfortable with confrontations. He texted her, and she called afterward. He put her on speaker, and I could tell she was upset from the tone of her voice.
Chelsey told me she always brings her dog everywhere, and I pointed out that wasn’t entirely true, since we’ve been to several events where she didn’t bring the dog (which is true).
She then asked why we hadn’t mentioned this before the invitation, and I explained that I didn’t think it was necessary to mention it since I assumed it was understood that bringing pets to a dinner without asking isn’t typical, especially when we don’t even have pets ourselves.
At this point, she got upset and said, “Well, I guess you’ll have Thanksgiving without a turkey then.” I was surprised because it felt like she was trying to pressure me into letting her bring the dog, implying that she wouldn’t come without it. I don’t like being pressured, especially in my own home, so I calmly responded that I was sorry she felt that way.
She then interrupted and said, “No, I feel sorry for you, since you won’t have a turkey,” and hung up.
So, AITJ for saying no to her bringing her dog? I feel like I was just setting a reasonable boundary, but now I’m second-guessing myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but what is with your friends? One of them wanted to bring their *cat*?! They seriously wanted to wrangle their cat into a carrier and transport it to a strange environment for a single afternoon/evening. Chelsey’s dog really can’t be alone for a few hours?
Has everyone gone insane?” Flower-of-Telperion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set a boundary about your own home. Dog owners who assume their dogs are welcome everywhere are jerks, no matter how many people or businesses accommodate them. Dogs were commonly left at home for centuries and did just fine.
There’s no reason dogs can’t be left at home for the length of a social event these days. And if this happens to not be true about some individual dog, it’s still not everyone else’s obligation to accept that dog in any and every space.” Kthaeh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I have a dog, and I like to bring her along when I go places. However, I am also aware that not everywhere is appropriate to bring my dog, in which case I leave her at home. If I would like to bring my dog with me to someone’s house, no matter the reason, I check to make sure that I can bring her – I do NOT assume that I can.
Chelsey was the jerk in this situation in basically holding a turkey hostage. I hope you were able to salvage the dinner without her contribution. I would also rethink inviting her to your place ever again if this is how she reacts to a simple request of leaving her pet at home.” toosheeptheorist
15. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Come Home Instead Of Sleeping At A Beach Hut After Work?
“Before I begin I want to explain my husband is not having an affair, so please refrain from making this suggestion.
Every so often my husband decides when he finishes work late to sleep at his friend’s beach hut instead of coming home, and it upsets me and I often get upset/angry about it.
But because I’m not sure if I am right to be, I don’t express that anger to him. Instead, I try to explain to him how it makes me sad, but he still chooses sometimes to sleep there instead of coming home to me and his kids.
For context,t my husband (M30) and I (F37) own a surf camp. He is the primary ‘face’- taking the guests surfing, looking after the guests, managing the surf team, etc. I manage all the bookings and marketing. Often his role means he works late as he has dinner with the guests and does evening activities (not going out partying, more chilled evening events, and preparing for the next day).
He works extremely hard and gets tired. His work/life balance is a subject for another day.
However, some nights when it gets very late maybe once a week, he will decide to sleep at his friend’s beachside surf hut instead of coming home. He finds it relaxing and can get a good night’s sleep before another busy day.
However, he hasn’t discussed it with me before and often I wake up in the middle of the night to not find him home and a message saying he’s staying there. Often, like tonight, this leaves me upset and restless as I feel he would choose a beach hut over me.
I feel sad he chooses to stay there over coming home. I know I am asleep, and he doesn’t like disturbing me, but I feel he should come home. He only stays there when the opportunity arises, such as tonight he and the guests had a beach bonfire so it made sense that he stayed there after the guests went back to the camp.
I trust him, it’s more that I feel sad that he chooses the beach hut over me sometimes. Or maybe it’s OK to give him space once in a while as he is so tired and let him rest where he is.
I did message him tonight telling him I don’t want him sleeping there anymore, or really at least not without discussing it with me first, but have deleted the message and would like to speak to him in person and discuss it together.
AITJ for wanting my husband to come home instead of getting a good night’s rest?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here As a business owner of such a place, I’m sure it’s difficult to keep looking at his watch to keep track of the time, hence why he often doesn’t let you know he’ll be staying there until it’s too late.
Yes, he could set his alarm on his phone but I imagine he just gets too busy. You are understandably worried and feeling neglected. You are entitled to those feelings. I don’t know how long you’ve owned this business together but maybe there’s a solution.
Once or twice a month, arrange for a family member or babysitter to stay with your kids overnight. Plan this with your husband on nights when there’s going to be later than usual scheduled activities. Meet him there and spend the night in the beach hut together!
It’ll be like date night! If he says no, then you will need to have a serious conversation about why he doesn’t want to do that.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“How far away is work from home and how many hours is he working? I get that your partner not coming home sucks.
One of the hardest things in my relationship is that, because of my work schedule, I only get to sleep with my wife a few nights a week. There are some weeks I have to change my schedule in such a way that I don’t even see her on top of it.
But we’ve also had the conversation when I have 14-15 hour days, that I just need to sleep. It’s not about me not wanting to be with her, but rather it’s just survival. I went to my parent’s house and crashed because it’s significantly closer to work than our house.
Not everything is a slight. If your whole day is working and there is little self-care, you do what you can to survive. YTJ” YOURE_GONNA_HATE_ME
Another User Comments:
“Why does it matter he’s not with you sometimes as he needs rest and it’s closer?
You are SLEEPING. To not be able to have time apart without you getting upset/angry is worrying. He’s staying there due to work and it’s closer. I had to do similar when I worked in a hotel, I had to stay there sometimes after late networking events and an early start the next day to prioritize sleep.
He’s not out partying. He messages you when he does so but you have said you are sleeping anyway. Work on your insecurities.” Winterfox1994
14. AITJ For Refusing To Split The Thanksgiving Bill With My Father-In-Law?
“This year my FIL suggested we host Thanksgiving. We live in a different state and never spend Thanksgiving with them but we now live in between him and my BIL’s family, so it made sense and since we now have a little more space- we agreed. It was 12 people in total, including my other adult brother-in-law and sister.
For the Thanksgiving menu, my in-laws wanted to make EIGHT casseroles. We wanted to make green beans, mashed potatoes, and of course a turkey. We gently suggested that there would be a lot to do in our kitchen but they were adamant saying everyone would be disappointed and they were part of their family traditions.
We bought the turkey, lots of drinks, green beans, mashed potato stuff, pies, odds and ends, etc. They bought a lot of casserole ingredients but kept complaining they’d go bad. Which is unfortunate. We did use some of their butter, but they used a lot of our seasonings, etc. I didn’t pay attention to what they used because why would I?
FIL kept going to the store and getting random stuff and a lot of it never got used/ wasn’t needed/was the wrong stuff. Including a whole pineapple peeler thing, and stuff for caramel apples. Kind of weird, but you know, that’s not my business.
Except, tonight, as ONE of my BILs was getting ready to leave, he pulled him and my husband aside and said that due to the high costs of hosting, etc they could all three split the bill and he’d send out the receipts for reimbursement on Venmo.
My husband’s mouth dropped in surprise. His BIL kind of awkwardly said that since he wasn’t able to contribute a dish (long travel and got in late at night), he’d be happy to send some. He seemed to think it was to help his kid brother (my husband) too and didn’t realize it was for his father who DIDN’T host.
After BIL left, I was in the kitchen cleaning (and typically I do let my husband handle his own family stuff) when FIL started packing up ingredients and explaining to my husband he would exclude a drink from the “bill”.
I then broke my cardinal rule and said “This is very different than in my family.
In my family contributions are always viewed as the dishes you contribute and everything is established ahead of time.” He said “We just thought everyone could contribute” and I pointed out that everyone would include all the people and not just my husband, him, and ONE BIL splitting it (all the married men).
It then got awkward. And he kept going on about how much money groceries were. AITJ for not splitting the Thanksgiving bill?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Where was this guy raised? I have never heard of such behavior. Pay for the dishes you bring to a potluck and don’t expect other people to pay you for ridiculous, over the top, purchases that you made unless you have agreed in advance to such a circumstance.” modish
Another User Comments:
“Your FIL is losing mental faculties. Seriously. This is inappropriate and there’s no reasonable explanation for the pineapple peeler and caramel apple supplies. If this was like, a few absolute favorite side dishes, it might make sense (except the reimbursement), but the randomness and multiple trips to the store are covering up some serious confusion. Don’t get mad.
Get curious. And get him checked.” imtchogirl
Another User Comments:
“I wonder if FIL is starting to exhibit some early signs of dementia? The fact that he kept going back to the store and buying odd, useless items is worrisome (the pineapple peeler/corer thing, the ingredients for candy apples – was he getting confused between Thanksgiving and Halloween?), not to mention all the extra money he spent on these items. Then to pack up the ingredients he had purchased after saying he wanted to split the bill is very awkward.
Another theory is that maybe MIL and FIL are struggling financially and after MIL saw the receipts of everything FIL had purchased, she told him to get reimbursed for some of it, as he had spent too much. I have the feeling that there is some underlying reason for his actions which your SO might want to gently discuss with his parents at another time.” StarryNorth
13. AITJ For Lying About Visiting My Home Country To Avoid Family Drama?
“I’m a 21-year-old international student who left home at 11. I haven’t returned to my home country since I was 18. Last time, I didn’t expect I couldn’t come back easily and didn’t say a proper goodbye.
During university, I struggled with burnout, overworked myself, dealt with my parents’ bankruptcy learning how to become financially independent, my depression, and used substances to cope. I deeply missed home—it was my safe space where I could be myself and hug my mum.
Initially, I couldn’t afford to travel home.
Then, my home country started a war (a clue to where I’m from), making it risky to return as my mom had moved to another country. After graduating this summer, I planned a trip home, ensuring safe entry and exit by making some arrangements. I told my family I was traveling elsewhere, anticipating their arguments, gaslighting, and ultimatums. I was not using my parents’ money (and haven’t been using them for a while excluding gifts or them willing to support me occasionally with what they can).
I visited home, returned to the UK safely, and spent the last few months studying and job hunting. I only told my mum about the trip after returning because I knew she’d understand. I’ve been living at my 30-year-old sister’s flat until I can afford my place.
Yesterday, while staying at my partner’s, I received a call from my dad yelling at me for lying, swearing to stop talking to me forever calling me a bad son, and some other offending words. Confused, I called my mum (they’re divorced and haven’t spoken for years), but she hadn’t told him.
Then I called my sister, who admitted she searched my wardrobe for my passport suspecting I was lying. She found the passport stamps and sent a photo to my dad.
Am I the jerk for not telling the truth about my trip? I knew going home was important to me and revealing it would lead to stress and arguments.
Also, I’m unsure how to handle my sister going through my stuff, especially since I live in her flat and help share bills but can’t afford my placee in London right now.
I have not talked to either my sister or father about this since yesterday and have been staying at my partner’s place, thinking about collecting my stuff from my sister and trying to find as cheap as possible accommodation elsewhere.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Moving out of your sister’s apartment is the best thing you can do. You used your own money and you’re a legal adult. If your dad wants to be mad at you, you can’t stop him.
But you don’t owe it to him to avoid traveling to your home country, especially since you’ve proved that you can go and come back safely. You also don’t owe him the truth when he’s proved that telling him would only cause a fight and cause him to act like a child.” _Chris_Topher__
12. AITJ For Being Upset Over My Husband's Attitude Towards Splitting Thanksgiving Expenses?
“We have been together over five Thanksgivings (only married for two) but this is the first year we are actually “celebrating” together both with my family last week and his family today.
We split all household expenses including groceries. I recently switched jobs to eliminate a two-hour commute.
My pay is less until next year when I take on a supplemental remote position. So other than these last three months of this year, we make roughly the same annual income.
I’ve noticed that since I have more time in my day, I just naturally tend to do more household items like cleaning/meal planning, and grocery shopping.
This hasn’t been an issue until Thanksgiving. I shopped for the items to make/bring to my family last week and woke up early on my day off to shop for groceries we needed to bring to his family this weekend.
We couldn’t fit everything in the cooler (we traveled 6 hrs) so we left some items behind thinking we could repurchase them at our destination.
When we went to the grocery store upon arrival, my husband paid for the three items we picked up. We had to go to another store because the first one was out of something we needed. When we approached the check stand, I was in front of him so I started pulling out my wallet intending to pay but he looked at me and said Ohh you’re going to take care of this one?” with a smirk and tone that I read as sarcastic appreciation as if I had to cover this stop because he covered the last one.
I was so shocked and quite livid. He sensed that and was on the side of the card reader so he ran his card before I could. Please note that the two stops amounted to at most $50 (of things I had already purchased but had to leave behind).
I am upset because I think he was extremely rude and inconsiderate of my expenses and efforts. Not only did I plan the shopping list for both of our parts in family gatherings but I shopped for AND am making the things. Am I wrong here?
I can’t tell if he knows why I’m upset. How should I describe why I feel he was rude?”
Another User Comments:
“Have you seen Joy Luck Club with the list of items on the fridge and a husband and wife carefully tallying up who paid for what individual item?
That was meant to be a demonstration that someone’s marriage was messed up. NTJ but you guys need to rethink how you handle money because this is less united or partnered than just seeing someone. At least then you know you are on your own and aren’t constantly having to weigh whether everything was equally split which is impossible when you are married with a household and life that has way too many variables.
It might even out over a lifetime, maybe not, but day to day? Meal to meal? Come on.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“I will never understand married couples who don’t share finances. To me it just screams “I don’t think this relationship is gonna last”, like moving into a place and not unpacking your boxes, you didn’t move in, you’re just waiting until you move again and don’t want the hassle of repacking.
If you’re gonna live there forever unpack the boxes! If your marriage is forever merge the finances!” Professional-Scar628
11. AITJ For Not Telling My Friend She Snores On Our Vacation Trip?
“I am on a vacation trip with a work friend. We both had a mutual interest in a location-hopping trip. My partner has zero interest in this kind of trip and I thought it would be fun to go with a friend.
She asked if I’d be willing to share rooms to save costs and I said, of course, no big deal.
The daytime activities have been totally fine. But at the hotel—she snores like a train, all night long. I am a fairly experienced traveler (but should have asked about snoring before, I know) so I always have earplugs in my suitcase, but they aren’t a ton of help here.
She’s an early riser and sleeps only 5 hours to my 8. I tend to stay up later and sleep later than she does on a normal basis, so a part of my solution has been to go get a drink or go for a walk after she goes to bed and then sleep long past when she gets up.
Since the hotels were sold out where we were I figured this was the best situation for the week and I would make it work, lesson learned.
But then she said I should be getting up early to go for a morning walk to see the places we visited, as though I was wasting part of my time by sleeping in.
This was the opportunity I had to explain why I needed to sleep, but instead, I said I was enjoying nightly walks and was having a great time. This may have been an offhand way of saying she was lonely in the mornings, but I needed to sleep and stumbled over a nice response.
I also think alone time on trips can be good, so it seemed like a decent answer, but…
She lives alone, so may not know she snores. At the moment I couldn’t think of a nice way to say, “Your snoring makes it hard to sleep,” especially given that we weren’t even halfway through the trip at that point because what if she became self-conscious or we spent time and money trying to figure out a new situation and it soured everything…
Should I have told her? Should I tell her now? I want to remain friends with this person as she’s a great human, but I’m worried about the next time she asks to go on a girl’s trip (as I won’t be sharing a room again with her).
She made a vague statement a few months ago about how all her travel buddies seem to fade out of her life and I wonder if I’m continuing that cycle.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand, why would you not tell her? It is not like snoring is her fault… It may even help her to find a solution depending on the type of snoring.
You can laugh about it together. I’d much rather be told I snored than have friends refusing trips with me or fading out because they don’t want to say. Anyone would. So YTJ” TomDoniphona
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you really should tell her about the snoring.
My partner had horrific snoring issues and I made him go get one of those sleep studies. Turns out, he has sleep apnea, and taking steps to control that improved his life. Sleep apnea leads to heart problems, and high blood pressure, increases the risk for diabetes, and dementia, and causes possibly early death.
He has one of those CPAP machines now and his snoring has pretty much gone away. Plus, I can finally sleep without wanting to scream every night!” runrunpuppets
Another User Comments:
“I mean, it doesn’t make you a jerk for not telling her but serious question.
What do you expect her to do? Do you think telling her is magically going to stop the snoring???? Do you expect her to stay up all night or something like that? She’s probably had a sleepover at some point in her life. She probably knows she snores… assuming she doesn’t know just because she lives alone is strange.
I live alone, I snore. I do make it a point to tell people before I spend the night anywhere or have anyone stay over but I just don’t understand what you think telling her is going to do.” garlicparmbreadthot
10. AITJ For Wanting My Roommate's Partner To Contribute To Utilities?
“Myself (20F), my partner (20M), and my roommate (20F) have an apartment together. My partner and I moved in May, and our roommate moved in officially in Sept, she paid her portion of the rent over the summer because she didn’t want to worry about finding somewhere to live when school started. Now that she’s here, we split all bills 3 ways.
Backstory: When my partner and I were living here alone in the spring-summer, our utility bill (everything; water, electricity, etc) was consistently $140-$150. When my roommate moved in, she and her partner whom she was seeing for a bit last year, immediately got back together.
We were super happy for them since we love him as a person! However, since Sept, he has started living here. He has his place, where he pays extra to have the master bedroom + ensuite bathroom.
Since he started staying over, my partner and I noticed he takes long showers—twice a day, 15-20 minutes each.
In October, I asked my roommate to have him cut back, and she agreed, but it hasn’t fully stopped.
Due to issues with our utility provider on their end, we just got our first bill since she moved in (Dec 6 and covers Oct – Nov use).
It’s $100 more ($240) than what our bill looked like in the summer. I didn’t think much of it at first, but now that’s a $15 increase for my partner and me each. My roommate doesn’t seem to use much more than us, so it’s her partner.
It’s not just the utilities, but he’s constantly here. He says he has roommate issues (though I’m not sure how that’s possible if he’s never at his place), so he hates going home (his house is a 20-minute walk). I told him I didn’t mind him being over, but I did mind the utility usage.
Even after saying this, he still takes 2 showers a day, and ALWAYS long ones when he thinks I’m not home.
Also, one of our friends asked him, “Aren’t you worried about your utility usage there?” and he said he shouldn’t pay because he drives us to Costco (we don’t have a car).
We’ve gone twice, both in Sept, but he hasn’t asked us since, and that comment bothered me. I feel like there’s a big difference in actually going out of your way for someone, and just taking us with him when he’s already going.
I’m thinking of talking to my roommate again. She’s non-confrontational, and I feel bad, but I’m getting frustrated with him being here all the time and not contributing. It’s affecting my friendship with her. He’s here so often, I’m not sure how to bring it up.
WIBTJ if I address this to her?”
Another User Comments:
“So honestly you need to wait and see more of the difference comparing summer utilities with 2 people to fall utilities (which almost always go up) with 3 people and a guest. Plus you took her money when she wasn’t living there, so you did get to live for a few months with someone paying for a spot while you got the extra room.
If utilities with 2 people were around 140-150 you should expect them to go up by about half that when a third is put in (at least water-wise). So almost the $100 you are complaining about. Don’t complain about the $15 increase when you got the whole summer to yourselves in it.” Sweetcilantro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should take a close look at your lease agreement. There is probably something in there about overnight guests. Be careful too because if he is there for as little as two weeks (depending on what state you’re in), he could establish residency that would require a full eviction process to remove him…whether or not he’s paying anything.” IamIrene
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but as a few others have said, I would frame it as ‘he’s here more than he’s not, so he has to contribute.’ If you start talking specifics about how much the bill has gone up, I think you risk turning it into a tit-for-tat argument (‘he has 20 min showers’ ‘Well you use the oven more’ etc).
It’s also likely the bills would go up anyway because it’s autumn/winter and you don’t want this to turn into a situation where everyone is counting the exact amount they’ve used. Quite simply- he’s there, he’s using utilities and he’s using your space.
He should pay. If he doesn’t want to pay, then he needs to use his place more.” According-Let3541
9. AITJ For Losing My Temper After My Husband Criticized My Housekeeping While I'm Pregnant And Sick?
“My husband and I both work full-time and care for our 2-year-old. We live far from family and don’t have additional help. My job in corporate finance is extremely stressful and demanding, while my husband often complains about being bored at his less demanding job but refuses to look for a new one.
Financially, I contribute to groceries, daycare fees, and essentials, while my husband handles rent and a few other expenses. We agreed he would do weekly laundry and cleaning, while I’d help by folding clothes, cleaning the bathroom, and cooking.
A few months ago, I became pregnant and caught a bug that was risky for the fetus, leaving me lethargic and feverish for weeks.
I was hospitalized briefly and told to rest as much as possible. During this time, my husband took over cleaning and caring for our son. Meanwhile, I juggled debilitating symptoms, fatigue, 16 antiviral pills daily, and a demanding new job. On top of this, I caught illnesses from my toddler (strep throat, ear infections, gastro, etc.).
Despite everything, I ensured my son was fed, dressed, and taken to daycare. I cooked, worked, and spent quality time with him, but I was utterly exhausted. I repeatedly asked my husband to let me hire a cleaner, offering to cover the cost entirely, but he refused, saying he’d handle it himself.
This week, I entered my second trimester after recovering from a bad gastro over the weekend. Today, while working from home, I also cared for my sick son, cooked, and juggled meetings. By the end of the day, I left a pan and two plates in the sink, and my son’s toys were scattered in the living room.
When my husband came home, I was buried in work, making up for lost time during the day.
The first thing he did was point to the sink and say, “Look at the mess you left. Couldn’t you clean that up?” I was stunned and explained that I was too busy to notice.
He sarcastically replied, “That’s always your excuse. The least you can do is have the house tidy when I get home.”
I exploded. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and hormonal. I yelled while he stayed calm, throwing in a few toxic remarks like, “You don’t even pick up after yourself.” For context, I’m generally clean but occasionally forget things like a paper towel on the bed or crumbs after eating—a result of being overwhelmed and pregnant.
Now he’s upset and not talking to me about exploding. I’m starting to wonder: AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your husband sounds awful. He seems to not care about the toll this pregnancy and the illnesses are taking on you. It’s been hard for him too as there have been adjustments to be made on his end.
But the easy solution was to offer a maid, and he refused. You two aren’t communicating well. You have a few options here- try to work with him to fix this problem bury your head in the sand and pretend everything is okay, or leave him.
I suggest marital counseling ASAP. If he’s unwilling to do that, and you don’t want to keep living with someone who treats you like a maid and nanny while disregarding your health and feelings, start talking to a lawyer and getting your ducks in a row.
If you do decide to leave, don’t let him know a thing until you have your lawyer in place and your exit strategy planned.” BluePopple
Another User Comments:
“If your husband does not recognize that your health is an issue that bleeds into everything else in your daily life, he is the jerk.
Not a fan that he made little digs while you yelled at him. But you did yell at him. Do you trust him with your life still? Ask him for an itemized list of what you don’t pick up. Advise it can be over time.
Then make a list of symptoms, illnesses, and days you feel unwell. And compare your lists after a month. I also would like to advise that it sounds like you’re trying to say that because his job is easier he should do more than you.
He’s still at work. And feeling unfulfilled can be as bad as feeling overwhelmed. Check how he’s feeling at work. And if he doesn’t give you the same courtesy and refuses to understand that you’re busy at work and technically working more, then that’s on him.
Because while he may have his troubles, multi-tasking between work and kids makes everything miserable and difficult.” MaidOfTwigs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like there could be underlying issues that aren’t being discussed. While on the surface it might seem like a simple division of labor problem, there might be more to the story than what’s presented. Has this arrangement been mutually agreed upon or is it a result of unspoken expectations?
Communication is key in any relationship, and it might be time to sit down for a proper discussion about household responsibilities. Remember, teamwork makes the dream work, and both parties should feel valued and heard when it comes to maintaining the home.” IndigoRiley
8. AITJ For Uninviting A Friend From My Wedding?
“I (30m) recently attended my friend (29m) Kyle’s wedding.
Kyle and I used to be close friends but we are no longer as close because we simply drifted apart in our 20s. The wedding was beautiful and a nice reunion of our old friend group. After the party was over some of the younger folks including the bride and groom went to an after-party to keep the fun going.
This was our first chance to get to know our friend’s new wife Sarah (28f) because none of us had met her before.
Our friend group was sitting together having some drinks when Sarah came over to our table and sat down with us to hang out.
She proceeded to make a horrible first impression on the entire group for the next 2 hours. Some concrete examples:
* She brought up an old friend of the group who we no longer speak to due to some terrible things that he did. She was very clearly trying to associate us with this guy’s crimes even though we have all disavowed him, repeatedly bringing him up and needling people about him.
She asked my partner how she could possibly feel comfortable being with someone “associated with a criminal”.
* Bringing up Kyle’s ex-partner, who we all knew and liked, and trying to get us to talk negatively about her in front of him. Kyle looked super uncomfortable and tried to change the subject and she once again refused to allow it.
Frankly, she seemed to enjoy his discomfort with the topic and seemed even more eager to talk about it when she saw his reaction.
These are the main ones, but there were plenty of other insulting things she said throughout the night. She did a great job of getting everyone at the table to hate her.
I am getting married next year, and they’ve already gotten save the dates. I’m pretty worried about having this person on my big day though — she will inevitably cause more annoyance and drama among my friend group. I want to keep Kyle as a friend, but I don’t know if that’s really possible if I disinvite his wife — that will be equivalent to disinviting him too.
WIBTJ if I take her off the invite list and tell Kyle why?”
Another User Comments:
“You drifted apart to the point that you didn’t meet the woman he wants to spend his life with until the wedding. She turned out to be a jerk.
You’re getting married and think you can salvage a long-lost friendship and not invite his wife? You disinvite him and understand that the love is gone. Or you invite him and let him bring his wife as his plus one, hoping whatever jerk behavior she exhibited won’t show up again.
Ok, so for real, the friendship is over. Accept it. Don’t send him a wedding invite. How great can he be if that’s what he chose to spend his life with.” BxBae133
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You could make up an excuse rather than just tell him straight up why you don’t want her to come.
Just say that you’re at maximum capacity and there isn’t enough seats for both of them but you’d really like him to come or something like that. Bottom line… you get to pick who comes to your wedding and you definitely shouldn’t invite someone that you know is going to keep people from having a good time.” Tdluxon
Another User Comments:
“Tell Kyle that you’re worried about his wife acting the same way at your wedding. “Hey guy, I’d really love to have you come to my wedding. But, remember how your wife was after your wedding with those terrible questions? I don’t want that happening at mine so, I’m leaving it up to you to decide if you’re ok coming on your own.
It’s perfectly understandable if you don’t so, let me know. I hope we’ll remain friends, no matter what your decision is.” And let him decide. Hopefully, he’s woken up and left her by then. NTJ” Mulewrangler
7. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Ex Take Our Kid On Vacation Over Christmas?
“A bit of back story. For the last 2 years at Christmas, my parents have planned a trip with my brother and his wife’s family who live in a warm state. It isn’t easy for us to get there, as we live in Canada and it takes several layovers usually resulting in a loss of a day for travel.
The first year there was a major snowstorm and our flights were cancelled completely. Last year, our airport started a direct flight to the destination city which would work out to be a few thousand dollars cheaper and a lot easier travel-wise to get there.
The downfall is that it would have required us to leave a few days before Christmas, as it was only a once-a-week flight. When I asked, my ex said no because she wanted to have our kid on Christmas, and said she would only allow her to go on the 26th.
So we booked our flights on a red eye on the 25th and ended up missing 2 days of our vacation because of delays and missed flights.
My ex and I didn’t go through court to get a divorce, we went through mediation. There is a contract of sorts that we have things outlined in, but our relationship is amicable, so we modify parts of it as situations arise.
Unfortunately, a lot of those modifications are HER modifications to benefit her. I go along with it most of the time because my kid asks me not to make a scene with her mom. The only part of the contract that my ex stands concrete on is that she gets to see her on her birthday, which happens to be December 24th.
It also states that we alternate holidays, especially Christmas. That’s where the dilemma falls.
This year, my ex wants to take our kid on a vacation over Christmas. She is planning the trip for the full 2 weeks our kid has off from school, which results in her being gone over Christmas.
I said I would not agree to let her go until after Christmas Day, as she did not allow it the last 2 years which cost us thousands of dollars. She is calling me a jerk and saying I’m petty for “holding a grudge for something that doesn’t matter much.”
To add to this, my daughter’s favorite person in the world(my nephew) is coming to visit over Christmas, and she wants to spend time with him. She’s fine with going after Christmas Day, but Mom isn’t respecting her wishes on that either.
AITJ for digging in my heels on this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…I would say time to go to court and get things in writing as to what is allowed mom cannot keep getting changes based on her wants. Or tell the ex that she has made it clear where she stands on holidays for the last two years.
Time with a parent is more precious than travel. That status quo will remain the same from now on. There are no travel plans until at the earliest, December 26th. Let the kid enjoy her birthday and Christmas. Unles, ex wants to change the status quo from mediation to court-mandated custody arrangements, because changing this yearly to her whims is getting tiring for all involved.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“How is it petty to do the same thing she did? It was her year for Christmas, and you wanted her to accommodate a trip, but she said no. Now the same situation is flipped, if anything you are just taking her lead on how to handle this.
NTJ. If you keep it civil but stay firm, your kid will know who the jerk parent was when they grow up (if they can’t already tell).” DrippyMagoo
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. You aren’t digging your heels in often enough. Even though your daughter is asking you to not stir the pot your child doesn’t necessarily benefit from seeing someone placate her mom’s behavior- it sets a funny expectation that SHE’S eventually supposed to placate it.
I would visit a family law attorney and review your options if your ex escalates, including 1. the use of monitored communication so you have documentation of the one-sided nature of the agreement 2 and the use of a parenting evaluation if you decide to contest the current process.
3. The age at which your daughter could exert more autonomy over her schedule And find a good family therapist for you and your daughter- she’s going to need some skills for setting limits with her mom.” capmanor1755
6. AITJ For Singling Out My Grandmother In My Thanksgiving Gratitude Speech?
“My family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) usually have a big joint Thanksgiving dinner and we go around the table and verbally express what we are grateful for.
Most people say “family” or “all of you guys!!” first, but WIBTJ (23F) for handpicking one individual in the family that has significantly changed my life this year (my grandmother) and no one else. Granted, it’s not a “screw you” to the rest of them, it’s just that my grandmother doesn’t get the recognition she deserves and I love her to death.
For a bit of context, there has been a lot of tension in the family since this time last year and it got to the point where there were “sides”. (The details of that dilemma are way too much for this post but just know it kinda shattered the family dynamic for good).
I say this to say, I know my mom and sister will take it personally.
This all kind of sounds silly as I type it out, but I think it says something about me for me to even be concerned about the perception of my gratitude this year.
Also side note: my mom is a classic narcissist and will certainly feel attacked by this
I want to be comfortable enough to express my gratitude for my grandmother who has helped me with a trillion things this year as I’ve been having to make “adult” moves.
She has also been there for me as simply a shoulder to cry on and for all kinds of advice. She is my best friend. On the other hand, my mom has been nothing but a headache and she is the reason I am in therapy.
(That explains my relationship to the two of them). My grandmother is my mother’s mother-in-law, so they have a bit of a rocky relationship. If I decide to say “I am grateful for grandma” and not “I am grateful for ALL of my family”, I know some of them would be offended- especially after everyone has gone and started with the same thing.
I don’t think it is wrong of me to be specific, but I guess I understand that it can be taken a little saltily. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but it would be my truth and I have been working on sincerity this month.
Yes, I am fundamentally grateful for everyone, but it is just not on the same level as I feel for my grandmother..”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could say something along the lines of, “I’m grateful for each of you, but this year I’d especially like to thank Grandma.
She does so much for us all, and I know we are all truly grateful for her”. Maybe afterward you could have a side conversation with Grandma expressing exactly how you feel and why. I’m sure she will be so appreciative of that. Good luck, OP!” Ok_Historian_646
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like this ‘tradition’ is nothing more than lip service and no one speaks their truth (like a TV show Thanksgiving). You need to think of the consequences of going against the current as you have to live with the fallout.
I can’t stand the whole “don’t rock the boat” mentality. But you know who and what you can live with. If you want to go with the flow, talk with your grandmother before dinner to tell her how much she means to you, which is something I hope you tell her regularly.” chooseausernameplse
Another User Comments:
“You WIBTJ, just because it sounds like doing this would create unneeded drama. It doesn’t need to be Thanksgiving to express gratitude, especially toward people that you love and who have helped you. If you feel like it would break the peace in a way that would hurt your relationship with the rest of your family, then say that you are thankful for your family at the dinner table.
You can talk to your grandmother before or after, or if that seems daunting, write a letter. If she has been dealing with your mother (who you say is a narcissist,) then she will understand you just want to keep the table civil. Good luck with whatever you do!
Family is hard.” clay
5. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable With My Mom's Lewd Jokes At Dinner?
“My mother (54F) invited (summoned) my partner and me (19F) to dinner with her friend, (57F) her friend’s daughter (17F), and her friend’s former au pair (26F).
My mother is recently divorced and her friend is also divorced. I’m just saying this in case there’s anyone who’ll understand her POV better than I can. My mom made lewd jokes and comments the entire time, mostly inappropriate jokes. Everyone seemed to be having a good time but I was mortified. There was a lot of “trust me, sweetheart, you’re embarrassed now but once you pass 50 years old you’re crazy”.
Like the vibes were so foul. At one point she passed around her phone with photos of my room because she wanted to complain about how messy it was and was worried I’d defend myself. (For the record, I just got back from college and I was sorting all my laundry.) All of them kept making comments about how much I didn’t want to be there and my mom called me a judgy old woman.
I was trying to put up a solid effort but my social battery was low and when the only topic of conversation was inappropriate and men and how much better we were than them, I didn’t know how else to participate than just smile wordlessly because it was SO uncomfortable.
It felt like they were all competing, in a way. Like there was a bizarre tension and I just hated being there.
Afterward, I apologized to my partner for making him sit through that but he said no it was actually kind of entertaining, but he felt terrible for me because if that had been his mom he would’ve been so embarrassed, and she would never have acted like that in front of him.
This morning I told my Mom that she made me uncomfortable and that I didn’t want to go out in public with her anymore if she was going to behave like that. I’m glad she’s getting out and having fun and I support her if this is what she needs.
I just can’t sit next to her for TWO HOURS of it. She called me a judgy old woman and, because of this, I can’t eat any of the roti she made. She said that she’s allowed to behave however she wants with her friends, and if I don’t like it then she won’t invite me next time, and that this is why she normally doesn’t anyway.
I’m super sick at the moment and I hate fighting with her but I feel like I need to stick to my guns on this one. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like your mom was pretty out of control. In her defense, so to speak, being recently divorced and (I’m guessing) thinking about meeting new men for the first time in a long time, it’s not surprising that she got carried away.
She’s still processing a major life change and is contemplating interacting with new people shortly. You can kind of see how that frame of mind would put her into something of a “giggly schoolgirl” mode. P’m from the old school. In my world, that’s the kind of talk that women should keep to themselves.
The fact that she went there when your partner was present is over the line. At least he was a good sport about it, but it was gross for her to put him in that position.” Dull-Assistance1910
4. AITJ For Warning My Foster Sister About Our Parents' Neglectful Behavior?
“I’m from a fairly wealthy family and was always kind of spoiled growing up. My parents never really disciplined me or anything, and aside from rules about looking right they generally left me alone. They were obsessed with me when I was a little kid, but by the time I was eight, they had found other hobbies and begun getting me out of their way as much as possible by sending me to camps and boarding school.
(Alright, yeah, even I can hear how spoiled I sound for complaining about that.)
My parents have recently taken in Sami (14F). They’ve been very supportive of her and attentive to making sure she’s adjusting well, improving her mental health, and overall having a good life.
Which is great – she’s the literal best and deserves far more than that. The problem is, I don’t want her relying on them emotionally because they’re not reliable. They’re still in the honeymoon phase.
I’m at home for the weekend and we ended up talking about how it’s been and how our parents have been treating her.
She mentioned how supportive they’ve been. I was trying to be supportive but also warned her that they might change. She got upset and demanded to know what I meant.
We ended up arguing – her saying it was my fault he ignored me and that she wouldn’t be paid off and set aside, me saying that she could be an angel and they’d still end up not being as great as they are right now – and eventually, I ended up straight up telling her that they will get bored of her.
She was upset. At dinner, she asked our parents if it was true. They said that it wasn’t and that I just thought I was special. I asked why they wouldn’t end up ignoring Sami, too.
My parent said that it was different because I was raised wrong, had been spoiled, and was poisoned by being born into our family and spoiled. I claimed that that would be their fault anyway and they said that they wouldn’t repeat their mistakes with Sami and that she had already learned about hardship, discipline, etc. They said they wanted to treasure a kid but clearly ‘it just wasn’t right to do it from birth’.
I don’t want her to be scarred if/when they decide she isn’t getting them any new attention and move on. Maybe they’re right and they’re paying attention to her because she needs and deserves it, but I don’t know.
I wanted to tell her because like I said, I don’t want her getting hurt. Learning people aren’t who you think is incredibly painful and I want to spare her that – or minimize it – if I can.”
Another User Comments:
“…Oh lord. I feel like that could have been more delicately phrased – a lot more delicately phrased – but also, taking your post at face value, you’re a probably severely emotionally neglected kid who hasn’t had much experience with this sort of conversation.
And even I couldn’t imagine how you would perfectly tell someone that their parents have a track record of only seeing kids as shiny ornaments to show off. I’ve seen too many wealthy parents just drop kids when they are bored of them and many of those kids are perfectly nice if not perfectly socialized, and it does sound like you were mainly worried about Sami.
I N F O: How old are you? And why did you decide to tell her this? Was there any resentment towards her? EDIT: OP is 14. NTJ.” Pretentious-Cat324
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this isn’t a situation that you can warn about more like be there if they do drop her and reassure her afterwards.
Also, sometimes it’s nice to enjoy a honeymoon without people crapping on it…I would’ve waited until their interest faded a bit. Also maybe ask for a therapist for both of you” Character-Twist-1409
3. AITJ For Calling My Partner Insecure After She Continually Snoops Through My Phone?
“My partner and I have been together for around 1.5 years. I love her very much and see a lot of good in her.
She has some very controlling/insecure traits in my opinion, however, but I’m not sure if she’s just like this or if I caused this. When I first met my partner and we became official she found social apps in the back of my phone a week or 2 after we became exclusive.
I let her look through these and show her I was not active and not messaging anyone and I let her delete them for me. My reasoning was that I didn’t want to go through the hassle of making new profiles/accounts if things went south early on in our relationship.
She tended to be very sporadic with our dates and often showed up hours late to set times I planned for dates. This got better over time and I had planned on deleting these once she proved to me she was consistent. This backfired and she started going through my phone at night while I was asleep (she learned my password) and started asking me to unfollow/delete any girl I’ve ever been with off social media.
Even their friends or anyone that made her feel uncomfortable. I hadn’t talked to these people in years. Mind you this was only a few weeks into our relationship. I felt like this was a slippery slope so I resisted.
She became even more aggressive and started getting jealous when I was “too nice” to other females in public, glancing at another girl for a second, and even spending too much time with my friends/ family and not her.
I caught her many more times throughout the following months going through my phone. The other day I went to a friend’s house and a few females were there. My partner accused me of being unfaithful to her because I didn’t respond to her texts right away and she told me one of the girls there was too attractive for me not to flirt with her.
I called her extremely insecure and she got very angry at me. She became hostile and told me to never call her that again.
I’ve never been unfaithful, flirted with another female, or even thought about being with another female besides my partner during our time together.
Was I calling her insecure justified or AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So, about a month after my partner and I got together, I saw he had social apps still on his phone. He did the same: showed me that he wasn’t active and deleted it on the spot.
I haven’t brought it up once in 5 years, not even in the year after. Why? Because I trust him, and I trust that our relationship is solid. She is behaving insecurely. This is way out of line. If she doesn’t trust you then she should not be in a relationship with you.
You shouldn’t have to put up with this treatment, and you should be able to be around other women without her losing it like this – if you’ve genuinely not given her a reason to behave like this, then yikes.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“Well, you are full of contradictions. You say you haven’t deleted the apps but it’s been 1.5 years. Your examples were from just a few weeks into being together, except for the last one where she ended it with you. You’re still following exes (that’s unusual) and refuse to stop.
I wonder whether she is insecure or whether you just don’t value other’s feelings here. I think you might be the problem – or she might be – either way, she’s ended it so if you’re right why do you care? Your tone, and examples all scream that it’s you to me, to be honest, and if that’s how it comes across to random strangers I can only imagine what it must be like to a partner, even one that isn’t insecure.
Maybe chalk it up to experience but you need to do more than say you’re in – actions (like deleting apps) show you’re committed.” Coast-Prestigious
2. AITJ For Planning A Trip With My MIL While My Husband Was In The Restroom?
“My (29F) in-laws are doing their annual visit to our place, and my husband (36M) is planning their trip and discussing various options.
My MIL has a bad knee, so I suggested a short trip that could be covered in a day (a desert safari) from our place that doesn’t require a long time sitting in a car. He suggested a temple trip as his mother loves visiting them.
We then decided to ask my MIL herself where she’d like to go this year.
My in-laws arrived this Tuesday and my MIL eventually decided on a temple trip and wanted to cover 5 temples spanning across 1750 km. We started discussing the possibility of this trip, looking for temple timings, calculating the number of days we’d need to take off, and so on.
In the middle of this, my husband excused himself to use the restroom and asked us to wait until he came back to discuss further.
In the meantime, my MIL asked me to check the temple timings to create a travel plan, as one of the temples is literally in the middle of the sea and closes early.
I noted down the temple timings and we discussed a possible route. All of this took about 10 minutes.
When my husband returned, he saw my notepad and immediately blew up, saying we should have waited for him to plan the trip and that he wouldn’t be joining because it would involve three days in a car.
By the time we returned home, he wouldn’t be able to rest properly and might have to rush to work. To be fair, he does have hypertension, is on medication, and works 12-hour days at a construction site.
He then started ranting at his mother, saying she’d be able to rest at home while he couldn’t, and that he wasn’t ready for a three-day car trip.
His mother got offended, and they had a full-blown argument.
After the argument, my husband turned on me, accusing me of manipulating his mother against him and deliberately causing a fight. I know I’m not the jerk, but I’m second-guessing whether I should have waited for him to return from the restroom and handle the travel plans himself.
However, when we last went on a similar trip, I didn’t participate much in the planning because my husband and his sister were handling it, and my MIL criticized me for being a bad daughter-in-law.
So, I did what I thought was right this time, and now my husband is calling me names because he believes I caused a fight between him and his mother, and he’s not talking to me.
So, please tell me, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but this seems an insane plan! 600km/day, that’s going to be 6 hours driving. And you need to get to the temples during short opening hours, let’s say you visit one temple in the afternoon and want to visit another in the morning, you have to drive for six hours overnight.
So for instance you finish at one temple at 44 pm then drive to a hotel near the next temple and arrive at about 10 pm, later if you stop for dinner, then have a few hours of sleep, and on the road again. I am wondering if your MIL is stubborn.
He planned to gently dissuade her from such an intense journey, but now there is a plan in place, she won’t take no for an answer. I wouldn’t go on such a trip and might be upset that the planning was done explicitly when I’d asked you to wait.
Your judgemental MIL made you feel obliged to do so” kKimbathe-tabby-lion
Another User Comments:
“Instead of having a calm conversation about the plan you and MIL came up with he decided to have a tantrum. Nothing that is decided in 10 min is set in stone, it’s just one of the options for everyone to discuss.
Calling names is not ok, going off the rails is not ok, starting a fight and then blaming it on you is not ok, going off on his mother because how dare she even suggest something that could be unsuitable for him is not ok Personally I don’t like walking on eggshells around my partner and if one has to do it just to avoid them blowing up is a major red flag.
Everything can be discussed in a civilized manner. This one incident would be enough to have a long thought if this is something I want to experience for the rest of my life NTJ” Spirited-Coach-2060
Another User Comments:
“YTJ So you knowingly ruined his family vacation for him.
Why would you be a jerk and do that? He ASKED you to wait and let him plan – these are HIS parents, why do you hate him that much? If he has any sense, he will just not come along and let you drive his parents around while he relaxes somewhere else.
“and he’s not talking to me.” .. if he has any sense, he is reconsidering the relationship. Now that he knows you are a jerk and go out of your way to ruin things for him, what else is there to do? He explicitly ASKED you not to do it.” k23_k23
1. AITJ For Confronting My Friends About Using Me For School Work?
“So, I’m in my last year of high school now, completely understand the pressure for my term exams and college entrance exams. I study day and night and I’m like my class topper even though there are better students than me in another section but in my class it’s me.
My friends and I have a group, we’re 7 of us and we’re very chill about everything, the fact that we don’t fight often, and even if we do it’s a healthy way and we usually sit and talk and resolve it. But recently I’ve been noticing something odd.
As I mentioned earlier I’m like the smarter dude who’s good at everything(not trying to flatter myself and they call me that too so) and they’ve been dependent on me these days, like asking for notes, doing their homework because they have other work, explaining them the entire topic before the exam and stuff that which I’m more than happy to do because I love helping them and if it makes them score better then I’m all for that.
But! One night at 8 pm we had a group meeting which I couldn’t attend because I was studying and my mom(she’s very strict) put my phone away. So I messaged back in the group that II was sorry and we could call now so we did hold the meeting I apologized again and they made fun of me for studying more.
My best friend was also involved. I mean yes we make jokes like that all the time but this was a little more than just teasing. We had a script to write for a drama we had to do in History so they blatantly asked me to write the script and plan everything out I asked them what they were doing and they said “Nothing, you send the script and we’ll learn our dialogues and act tomorrow.”
I was surprised so I confronted them asking them if they were using me and I told them that I was doing all the work and I took credit. And none of them responded to me I argued with my best friend and when I was talking she just left the call and didn’t talk till the next morning.
She told me the next day that they had another group call behind my back and discussed what was wrong with me. I was annoyed and I’m feeling left out of the group now. I apologized for being rude about it and they accepted it but I still feel like they’re excluding me so
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it doesn’t matter if you’re friends or not. It’s clear they’ve done this repeatedly and have realized that they might be able to not only use you as a tutor and help them go over subjects but also have you just do all the work without receiving credit for it.
They think they can get away with this because you’re friends and even if you get upset you’ll most likely forget about it. The fact that they are talking behind your backs because you refused to help them with something they are 100% responsible for doing is a sign that they probably aren’t best friends.” xxkingduckxx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ….Confrontation isn’t inherently a jerk move. The fact that you’re questioning whether you might be the jerk shows that you’re aware of how your actions might be perceived and that’s commendable. However, standing up for what you believe in, especially when it comes to calling out rude behavior, is important.
It’s not what you do but how you do it that defines whether or not you’re being a jerk.” LunaNovaria
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a person who has suffered from depression before, I just can’t get myself to do work sometimes and so I rely on my friends to do it for me.
Maybe they were all going through something and you are ACTIVELY making it worse by not helping them and even confronting them about it.” Happy-Draft-8805
