People Feel Shame In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Taking Extra Coffee Pods From My Apartment's Community Keurig?
“I live in an apartment community that has a Keurig coffee maker for its residents to use. On occasions, I have gone to make myself a coffee and the Keurig has been out of stock. Because of this, I got into a habit of taking a few coffee pods back to my apartment to ensure I can have a coffee every day.
I usually keep a stock of 3 and will resupply as needed.
This morning, while making my coffee, I noticed the coffee bar had been recently restocked and I knew my supply at home was low so I was planning to take 2 coffee pods back with me.
Another resident however saw me and decided to huff and puff.
She accused me of theft, stealing from the community, and causing a toxic living space. I had never seen this lady before and just piped back that she should mind her own business. I then took my coffee, 2 pods, and went back to my apartment.
Since then the situation has got me thinking and I would like the opinion of others to see if my actions are appropriate. I feel like I am just utilizing a feature of my apartment complex and that since no one is getting harmed there is no foul?
But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I think YTJ. You’re basically “reserving” those extra pods for yourself. If everyone in the building did that, it would run out before some people even had a chance to get coffee. The building put them there to be used equally, on a first-come-first-serve basis, for a drink of coffee.
You’re breaking that first-come-first-serve basis by saving extras for later, after other people have come. I mean why stop at 2? Why not just take all of them? If you always want coffee available, then buy some K-cups of your own, and bring one with you in case the community one is empty.
Don’t be the jerk taking advantage of the kindness of others.” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You & everyone else who thinks snagging 2 or 3 is no big deal. Grab one in the evening to ensure your morning cup. Or get a box of your very own.
(If you can make the investment, SF Bay brand pods are more eco friendly & an 80-pack is around $25 – good value & far less non-biodegradable trash created) Or stop relying on the community coffee station & get a machine of your own or get an electric kettle (a really good one is about 20 dollars) and a French press (20 to 30 bucks for a good durable one new, often found at thrift stores for 3 to 10 dollars) buy coffee & brew it in your apartment.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and you remind me of my roommate who would steal my coffee pods that I had bought myself. You would think when living with someone and having a shared kitchen and common area DON’T TOUCH WHAT YOU DIDN’T BUY. IF IT IS A COMMUNAL ITEM ONLY TAKE YOUR SHARE (Aka 1).
People like you are the reason people can’t have nice things. My apartment complex also had a coffee machine for the residents. My ex-roommate would also do this with the snacks my apartment complex would put out not one or two but a whole box worth.
Like just buy your own pods and food. She would take my things. Like all my food I bought from the store when I left for a weekend. She would take my dish soap. My laundry detergent. Like we are both in uni but I bought that with my money from working.
Not my parents, not a refund, but work. We are both broke so why would I pay for someone else I’m not even friends with or close to? Like I’m sorry you don’t know how to handle money. I overheard her calling her mother for money and food and was told I don’t know what to tell you.
Then she had the audacity to call me a petty jerk when I started keeping my stuff in my room with a lock.” framedgoat1234567
21. AITJ For Telling My Friend's Partner That My Husband And I Are Trying To Have A Baby?
“My husband and I went out with my friend and her partner.
At one point, just her partner and I were talking, and he asked me how long my husband and I have been married for. After I answered that, he asked me if we wanted kids, and I told him we’re trying to conceive. I didn’t get any weird vibe from him, the conversation just continued and I wouldn’t have thought of it again, but my friend called me to tell me that made him very uncomfortable once we got home.
She said he said he “didn’t need to know we were not using protection” or anything else about our private life.
I’ve been told that by other couples before, and it’s never made me imagine them being intimate. I’ve never even thought of it as inappropriate, and I’m not a person who talks about private matters at all.
My friend has always been much more open than me, so it’s just so surprising coming from her. I mean I know it’s coming from him, but I thought he was being inappropriate taking it that way. She said he thought it was inappropriate for me to say it.
My husband says it’s totally normal and the guy is just a creep, but my husband has spoken with his family about this too, so he sees it the same as me. I know my intentions weren’t bad so I’m mostly asking for the future, because it technically does mean that.
I don’t want to offend or gross out anyone else. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked, you answered. Plenty of monogamous couples do not use protection. There are other forms of birth control. You did absolutely nothing wrong in answering the way you did.
Most normal people don’t immediately envision the couple actually “making the baby”. Your husband is right, this guy is a creep. You need to rethink your friendship since a sane person would have put that creep in their place after saying something so disgusting about something so innocuous.
Ignore both of them and good luck on your baby-making journey!” lifewith6cats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And also chiming in with an opinion that might be unpopular. Has anyone stopped to consider that OP‘s friend might’ve been the one who was upset about the conversation?
If the partner were uncomfortable with the topic of having kids in the first place, he wouldn’t have asked. There was nothing inappropriate about the way OP answered. But to an insecure friend who was picking her partner’s brain after the night out?
All aboard the drama train! HOW DARE SHE DISCUSS HER PRIVATE LIFE WITH MY MAN? I don’t know. The way she worded it, that he “didn’t need to know you were not using protection or anything about your private life” sounds very defensive and personal. I could be completely wrong here, but I would think twice before denouncing the partner.
He didn’t indicate at all in the moment that OP‘s response bothered him, and she could just be throwing him under the bus to justify her own insecurity.” VNM0US
Another User Comments:
“Uhm NTJ. So if I ask someone a question I need to be prepared for ALL POSSIBLE ANSWERS.
Seriously, how much you share is up to you, and as the person who asked it is my problem if I feel offended by the answer if no offending was intended. My partner and I even imply we’ll be hooking up later even if we are around our friends.
Is that everyone’s cup of tea? Probably not but we like to be affectionate to one another. We tone it down a little if we have new people around and we feel they are not comfortable with it but our friends just accept it. Either they make funny jokes with us or ignore it.
You did not say anything inappropriate, you went with a more subtle “we are trying to conceive.” What that does to his imagination is his problem. Jesus Christ. This dude.
Ask your friend how you were supposed to answer that question. You want kids and you are actively trying.
That still implies doing the deed. That is just how it works. Even saying “yes we want kids” implies at some point you will be sleeping together. most people in committed relationships sleep together. So knowing you are married does that make him uncomfortable too?
Please please let me know what your friend/her partner thinks is the appropriate answer to that question. PS: I’d be really petty. From now on if they are around if that topic ever came up I’d purposely imply that babymaking was going on.” ladyrebelmarmalade
20. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Partner's Family For Telling Our Son We're In A Relationship?
“Before our son was born, my partner and I broke off our engagement. We didn’t have a good relationship for the majority of our son’s life so he rarely saw us together. For that reason, we decided to slowly get our son used to seeing us together before we explained that we were a couple and before we decided to live together.
Usually, my partner takes our son to visit his family a few times a year. I went with them on their latest trip. My partner and son both have their own rooms at his parent’s house so my son was confused about where I would sleep.
My partner’s family knows our son doesn’t know that we’re in a relationship and that he can get jealous and upset over sharing us with each other.
Yet, my partner’s family decided to tell him I was going to sleep in the same bed as his dad and that I was his daddy’s partner when he asked where I was going to sleep.
My son is 4 so he took it to mean I wasn’t his mummy anymore if I was his daddy’s partner, so he started crying hysterically.
After they told me what happened I was angry because we had already explained the situation to them.
I was so angry that I ended up arguing with them and threatened to leave early with my son. My partner’s sister kept trying to justify it since she was the one who actually told him I was his dad’s partner which just made me angrier.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you should have dealt with the situation directly before you ever got to your partner’s family’s home. What did you think was going to happen? Because you avoided the situation until the last possible moment- someone else decided to answer the question for your child when they asked. 4 yr olds are incessant with questions, so to think that they wouldn’t ask about this- is either wishful thinking or willful ignorance.
The fact that you had a convo with the family- but not with your child- really speaks volumes. What did you want them to say to him when he asked?” Zealousideal-Crew783
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Um, there is no way this kid wouldn’t have figured out you’re staying in the same room.
You’re taking a vacation together, time to fess up. You should have been the one answering the question, but it was asked of them and they did the best they could, being honest in this case can’t really be faulted because you should have been by now.
Also, you may be dropping the ball as parents here a little bit, because of weird things like you say he gets jealous when you spend time together? No matter what they know you’re mom and dad they shouldn’t be jealous of you two spending time together so that’s weird and you’ve made it weird.
Also, it’s very strange that at four years old he thought if you were Dad’s partner you’re no longer mom, but as improbable as it is that he believed that (and the fact that he did makes me look askance again at your parenting ) but that would’ve been easily disavowed in one hot minute.
So what was the long-term harm in that? Either way, I’m not sure you’re doing a great job parenting here.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Taking it slow with your relationship at first was absolutely fine and understandable, and made sense for the reasons you gave, but at this point, NONE of what you’re doing makes any sense at all, least of all for your child’s mental health.
The time to tell your child that you and your partner (who IS, in fact, your partner now by your own admission) are a couple again was BEFORE you decided to take a vacation together as a family, much less one TO HIS PARENTS’ HOME, the home of your child’s grandparents.
You’ve dragged this whole thing out now well past the point of logic or reason, and now it’s no longer protecting anyone, it’s just become a weird game of semantics and weird lies to cover more lies, and it’s not your in-laws who upset your child, it’s the fact that HE NO LONGER UNDERSTANDS ANY OF WHAT’S GOING ON IN HIS OWN LIFE.
The immediate reason for his tears may have seemed to be because he’s jealous, but I’d bet anything that the underlying reason is he’s just confused AF. You, his parents, have become the completely unreliable narrators of this poor 4-year-old’s entire existence and day-to-day family life.
He has no idea anymore what you are to each other or to him. He can’t trust anything you say because it doesn’t match up with what he’s seeing with his own eyes. You’re telling him one thing – that you aren’t a couple, that you’re mommy and your partner is daddy, but you are nothing in particular to each other – and yet it’s clear to this child who isn’t an infant that this is obviously not the case, since YOU’RE GOING ON FAMILY TRIPS TOGETHER to see grandma and grandpa.
That’s not something that people do who aren’t in a relationship. I’m sorry, your in-laws may have been somewhat out of line, but they’re not jerks. You, however, are a massive one for asking people to perpetuate a ridiculous, pointless lie that has long outlived its purpose and is now just making everyone’s lives worse, more complicated, and more stressful, including the child’s.
If your relationship has progressed far enough that you’re calling him your partner again and you’re doing family trips to the grandparents together, then YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILD. YTJ. Stop playing stupid games.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepdaughter To Return Home?
“I’ve always been a good guy, a real teddy bear. The guy that helps you move and brings the beer too. So when step stepdaughter (14 at the time, now 15) started to have problems (anxiety in school, problem sleeping, etc), I did all I could to seek help.
Now it turns out she was using substances. So she’s been lying when asked if she was using, she even shamed her mom for even asking (while lying evidently). Then she proceeded to ask for help (doctor, psychiatric hospital, youth center, social worker, special schedule at school).
So a few weeks ago, she finally told us she was using substances, that she was just seeking help to get what she wanted and when her totally exhausted mom sent her to her dad’s place, she started gaslighting her mom about how wrong it was to abandon her daughter like this.
Now she wants to come back and I don’t want her to. So I’m a bad guy if I don’t let her come back. I’m a bad guy if she comes back and I ignore her. And if I let her come back and fake being ok with it, I’ll be unhappy.
So am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You: she could have told us she was taking substances! Also you/your wife: actively shaming her for using substances & associated behaviors, listing off different supports she needs to recover like they’re a huge inconvenience, sending her away so you don’t have to deal with the issue If you’re only a good guy and a teddy bear when there are no issues, you’re not really either of those things.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your first opening line is a red flag, no men who are ACTUALLY nice and decent would say that. You sound like the typical “nice guy” who definitely is not nice and is and victimizes himself constantly and everyone else is the problem but not him because he’s a “nice guy”.
I bet if we asked your stepdaughter or other kids they would have a different story. She is also 15 for goodness sake. She is a child, she needs help. There is probably a reason she needs or wants to do substances so maybe work on getting to the bottom of that.
You don’t sound like you care very much about this girl. I bet she can sense that too and could be part of the reason she is acting out. Teenagers are tough, but you don’t just give up on them. Do better.” Artistic-Race-1515
Another User Comments:
“14 is a weird time to exist in, addiction or even just using too often does some stuff to the brain, especially of a child. She doesn’t need to be held to adult standards here, she needs to be treated like a 15yo who fell into substances like a year ago.
Expecting a child to not try and guilt trip you when they don’t get their way is already a lot to expect of a child. Little kids pout and crack out their crocodile tears, big kids use words. It’s not gaslighting, she wanted to be with her mom and you and she was 14 on substances so it didn’t come out in an emotionally articulate adult way.
I think you expect a lot from her. If she wants to be back there with you, at least some part of her wants what you gave her as an adult figure in her life. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong with her at any step of the way, but even perfect parents would be raising teenagers, and that’s just not easy.
Yeah, she did tell a pretty big lie, but do you honestly think a 14yo on substances would be honest? Does she deserve to never be forgiven? I can’t answer those questions, but you should probably be talking to her mother and not this platform about this.
And everyone deserves help, but that also doesn’t mean you have to personally help her or forget what she did to your family. I think you’re between a rock and a hard place. It would be right to say she should stay where she’s at and it would be right to take her back in.” dontaskmeout
18. AITJ For Refusing To Move Back In With My Mom After She Forced Me To Be The Caretaker?
“I (17f) have a terrible relationship with my mom, it used to be good but when she got remarried it all went downhill.
My dad wasn’t in the picture for most of this. Her husband is a creepy jerk and I can’t stand him, she got pregnant with twins and gave birth ten months later. I was only 11 at the time. My dad had another family while married to my mom so I have five step-siblings (all my dad’s), three sisters from my mom, and two step-siblings from her and her husband.
Like I said her husband turned out to be a jerk and left, we had complications with money so I was forced to look after four children and the house. Helping wasn’t a problem, even though I was exhausted and tired from taking care of two babies while I was still a child myself.
First, she’d thank me and I’d only watch them for an hour or two but that quickly escalated. She expected me to clean the house, take care of the babies, clean myself, get homework done, and somehow get amazing grades. The two hours turned into fourteen and all my weekends were spent babysitting.
Needless to say, I didn’t meet her expectations and she didn’t like that.
The house was dirty, I was hungry, thirsty, and needed love and affection. She just screamed at me every day about how she was exhausted from work. My dad came back into the picture and once he realised what was happening he asked me if I’d like to move in with him.
I said no because my mom wouldn’t talk to me otherwise. I was already deep into depression by the age of thirteen, my mom only found out a year later and started gaslighting me into thinking I was stupid then made herself the victim.
I finally moved into my dad’s house when I turned fourteen and it was the best choice of my life, I was happy with him. He wasn’t a good person when I was a kid but he’s trying to change and I was desperate to get out of my mom’s house.
She’s back with her nasty ex-husband now and keeps begging me to move back in with her. I refuse with all I have, I’m finally doing good at school and I feel great about myself. I told her that stealing my childhood from me by making me do all the housework and screaming at me if I didn’t reach her expectations isn’t what a good mom does.
She’s in denial and keeps saying it was a good experience to make me stronger. It wasn’t. It was just something messed up she did to ruin her child’s mentality. My siblings are begging me to return and saying I shouldn’t abandon my family like that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you may feel guilty over not going back for your siblings’ sake but it is not your responsibility. You have to do what is best for you and in the future when you’re older, you may be in a position to help your siblings then.
Do not allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated, take it from someone who knows what you’re going through.” Old-Obligation-9523
Another User Comments:
“Your mom isn’t doing this for you. She wants her little slave back. If the kids there want you back it’s because she’s not taking care of her responsibilities and the easy cure is YOU!
Stay where you are, live your life, and keep up with your good grades. You did your time in a bad place. Don’t go back. It’s HER family and HER responsibility. And shame on her for trying to drag you back into it!” FlexibleMorality1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Take care of yourself, it’s not your responsibility to parent your siblings. Also, be prepared for your mother to make claims against you to your siblings in retaliation for leaving. You should approach your siblings and explain to each of them why you had to leave and keep communication open with them.
The chance of her doing the same thing to the next oldest child is almost 100% and they will need your help.” hillbillyhotmess
17. AITJ For Not Allowing My Friend To Bring Her 3-Year-Old To My Adult Birthday Party?
“I (23F) am having an adult party, where there will be a lot of drinking happening for my 24th birthday in a couple of weeks.
I have invited all my friends and close family who are all over the age of 19, I live in Canada where the drinking age is 19. My one friend (29F) has two kids, one is a baby and one is 3. She has requested to bring both her children and I have told her that my parents (the party’s at their house) and I are not comfortable with the 3-year-old coming.
He’s not a well-behaved child and is pretty crazy and unpredictable at best and she doesn’t watch him like she should, especially in situations like a party.
We have been talking about doing something for my bday for probably 2 months, and I just decided this week to do a backyard party instead of actually going out.
So she has had plenty of time to find a babysitter or ask his father, who she is still in a relationship with, to take him for the night, for at least her older son and would have needed a babysitter if we were going out anyway?
The backyard has a pool that people will be going in and out of and will have about 20 adults drinking. The only other child there will be my daughter (6) who will be inside in bed watching movies but my parents also don’t feel comfortable with her son being in the house unsupervised because as mentioned he’s not well-behaved. All my other guests with children have made arrangements.
We have told her that her older son is not invited because it won’t be a place for children to be running around and the safety concerns behind people drinking and having a pool with a child that won’t be watched as closely as he should be.
She’s saying that because I have denied her son coming to the party I’m a bad friend and don’t care about her or her children. She has also brought multiple other things like my relationship, my other friends, and my work life into this disagreement coming up with why I’m a bad friend and don’t care about her with some reason for each.
So AITJ for not allowing my friend to bring her 3-year-old to my party?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And her assertion that you “don’t care about her and her children” is ridiculous. This isn’t about her or her children. As you pointed out, no one else’s children are invited either – does she think that you don’t care about ANY of your friends or their kids?
Even your own daughter isn’t technically “invited” to the party. She will not be celebrating with the adults, but in bed in her room, as is appropriate for a young child during a party meant for adults. Your “friend” (and I use that term loosely) is being ridiculously entitled, and self-centred, but also not a great mom.
This isn’t even somewhere that a 3-year-old would enjoy being. There will be no other children for him to play with, and nothing of interest for him to do. I’m not sure why she even WANTS him there other than avoiding paying a babysitter? It’s completely inappropriate and frankly, not particularly safe (as you’ve noted, most of the adults will be drinking and there is a pool that will not be closely monitored for child safety), and he’s not invited, nor welcome.
I would just gently point out, if she brings it up again, that you’re confused about why she would WANT to bring him since there won’t be any other children there, and there would be nothing for him to do or enjoy, and it will be way past his bedtime.
It’s not a kid-friendly party in any way at all, and he’ll be much happier at home with his dad or a babysitter. You are NTJ, but it seems very odd that she’s so insistent. Could it be that she can’t afford childcare for the evening?” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As much as I love my child, the world doesn’t revolve around them and I have to make plans should I want to socialize (like a sitter). Also, when you have small children you know that your social life is going to go to the dumps for a long time because being a parent to small kids is consuming.
Your friend sounds like she’s bitter at the way her life is and wants to spread her misery. Her complaints reflect her resentment and not a darn thing about you. I’m willing to bet that she’s dying to have a drink and let loose while someone else at the party is forced to look after her kids.
She’s trying to guilt you into bringing her son. If she thinks you’re a bad friend, so be it. I have a feeling you could bend over backwards for her and she’ll still complain. People like her hate boundaries because she can’t abuse them.” Fire_or_water_kai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have only ever ONCE asked if my child could attend an event that was not for kids. He was 15 at the time and his father switched weekends on me without notice. It was ok, as I was polite about asking and every single babysitter I could leave him with (he is autistic, there wasn’t time to get him used to a new person for an overnight stay) was going to be AT said party.
His father then turned around and changed dates on me AGAIN and he went there as originally planned. You don’t do that with a 3yo.” Morrighu87
16. AITJ For Refusing My Bride's Uncle's Offer To Take Drone Footage On My Wedding Day?
“My wedding day was a blur. I don’t think I stopped moving since I woke up at 8 AM to midnight.
To save money, we did a lot of the planning and execution ourselves. As with most weddings, there were small/medium-sized fires that needed to be extinguished throughout the day. Some examples:
- Last-minute decorating;
- People serving themselves booze without permission; and
- My wife’s mother showing up late, 5 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start.
So my wife and I were tied up pretty much until the last minute when we had to run off and get dressed.
As I’m hurrying across the venue to attend to an item of concern, my bride’s uncle stops me and asks me if I would like him to fly his drone up and take some aerial photos of my wedding.
Keep in mind that I am MINUTES away from getting married. At first, I thought he was joking, so I kinda laughed. When I realized that he was serious, I told him that I wasn’t sure if our permit allowed for it (we had to file a permit with the city for our outdoor event).
He tried to assure me that he wouldn’t fly it high enough for the FAA or planes to be a bother. Trying to hurry the conversation along, I said, “Well, we hired a professional photographer, so I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes”. I was very cordial about how I said it, and I even thanked him for offering.
He agreed to pack it up, and I went along with my next task.
Well, he left. We’re not sure if he stayed for the ceremony, but he definitely was not there for the reception. He apparently has told my MIL that I was rude about it, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I thought I was nice and even appreciative. I haven’t talked to either the uncle or my MIL, so this might be a misunderstanding, but I’m unsure at the time of writing this post.
I should also add that this uncle is one of the several people who decided to serve themselves booze from the bar without the bartender before the reception even started. He and that bunch got an angry earful from the venue coordinator.
I didn’t know who had served themselves when he offered to do the drone. So it’s totally possible he left over that.
In hindsight, yeah. It would have been great to get some drone footage. But I could not possibly have said yes, minutes before the ceremony, while I was trying to orchestrate my wedding.
I didn’t even really have time to entertain the idea. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Day of the wedding is not the time for anyone to offer anything. The plan is already set, things are already getting underway, all well-intentioned family should have approached with these offers when they first got word of the wedding.” EatsFacesForBrunch
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ! Frankly, I’d have left if someone started piloting a drone around an event and shooting footage of me. That’s not what I’m there for, and holy crap do I detest having the hazard of drones whizzing around over me. Sorry about the in-laws.
Good luck.” CatteHerder
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you hired a professional photographer. I’ve assisted a wedding photographer many times. I can’t tell you how many shots have been ruined by people trying to take their own pics during a wedding.” Fenriswolf_9
15. AITJ For Eating A Snack Before Dinner At My Partner's Family Event?
“I’m recovering from an eating disorder. Part of my recovery means that if I’m hungry, I need to eat.
I need to get used to responding to hunger by eating. If I don’t eat when I’m hungry it can become a habit, and I could relapse. I know that’s hard for a lot of people to understand, but it’s the best way I can explain it.
I always carry snacks to accommodate this.
My partner asked me to go to a family event with him at his aunt’s house. Dinner was at 6:30, but the gathering started at four and we were on time. Around 5:30 I started to feel hungry, so I ate a small granola bar from my purse to reinforce the eat when you’re hungry rule.
Dinner was at 6:30 and was excellent.
When we left my partner was upset. He said I offended his family by eating a snack before dinner was served and implied they were bad hosts. He said I should have waited. I reminded him that I have to eat when I’m hungry.
He said dinner was in an hour and should have been sufficient to enforce the rule, but it doesn’t work that way. I have to eat as soon as I realize I’m hungry or it’s a slippery slope that could lead to me going days without food.
My partner was angry and accused me of just wanting attention and being inconsiderate. Should I have waited? Was I being too rigid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a newly diagnosed diabetic I have a bunch of eating rules and requirements I need to stick to for my health.
I’m not as severe as many people have it but if I have low sugar I need to eat immediately. I think most people wouldn’t have an issue with that as they understand diabetes somewhat. Therefore as yours is medical-related there should also be zero issue with you eating for your health.
From the sounds of it, you still ate and enjoyed the dinner. Your partner is being the jerk. Don’t jeopardize your health for his concern about appearances. You weren’t making it about you from what you’ve said and he’s well out of line/doesn’t understand your illness and recovery.
Great work on getting better! Keep it up! Heck if in doubt next time ask your medical care “should I break your recovery rules and advice if it makes my partner feel uncomfortable.” I doubt they will put his feelings before your welfare.” Dj_Batman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner is though. As a person who recovered from ED, I understand you completely and this makes me MAD. It is really REALLY hard to restore your eating habits and socialize at the same time without relapsing or binge-eating, and your partner is in complete wrong.
Nobody – even your partner – can dictate how, when, and what you can or cannot eat. Your body, your rules. Also “wanting attention and being inconsiderate”? Has he met himself? Shaming his partner who is recovering from ED for eating? What is wrong with him?” lyramel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Would you have been insulting them if you were a diabetic and needed to eat something to stabilize your blood sugar? Waiting an hour can be incredibly dangerous for diabetics, so they would have had to eat right away. Nothing against the hosts or the dinner; it’s to keep them healthy.
Your condition is still a legit medical condition, and one that can be just as deadly if you aren’t careful. The only difference is it’s harder to treat and the apparent symptoms are much less visible than slipping into a diabetic coma. Do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy.
If you absolutely feel like you have to, apologize to his family (you don’t owe them an apology, but it makes some people feel better to do it anyway). You definitely don’t need to tell them anything other than “Doctor’s orders” and leave it at that if they ask for an explanation.
And if your partner keeps giving you crap about this, tell him that he’s becoming an impediment to your recovery. His response to that will tell you more about what you should do about him than anything else. But do NOT give into his pressure.
Follow what your doctor told you, no matter what. Keeping snacks on you is a great plan, and you should always double-check before going somewhere with your partner to make sure you have enough. There’s a nonzero chance he’ll ask for something one day because he’s peckish and leave you with nothing unexpectedly.
You won’t be a jerk to refuse to give him something if you’re running low and know you can’t refill anytime soon. Best of luck in your recovery.” Filvarel_Iliric
14. AITJ For Not Letting A Guy Into The Gym Without The Proper Key Fob?
“I recently joined a new privately owned gym with 24-hour access using a key fob. Today around 4:20 am I went to the gym and a guy walked up around the same time I did.
He had the barcode key fob but didn’t have the key fob for the door. I apologized but said I wouldn’t let him in as it wasn’t worth getting my membership revoked. He made a scene talking about how he knows the owner and whatnot for a good minute before I eventually went in, apologizing again, but letting the door shut behind me.
As soon as the door shut he opened it and started running his mouth, telling me to stop acting like a tough guy (I’m 5’7” he was probably 5’9”, a bit bigger). He proceeded to work out while I emailed the owner about the situation.
About 5 minutes later the 5 am desk guy came in and the guy from the door went over and talked to him. Not sure what they talked about, but was I the jerk? I would have probably turned a blind eye if he hadn’t kept running his mouth afterward, but his behavior doesn’t sit right with me, especially given it’s a small business.”
Another User Comments:
““I know the owner!” Great so call him at 430a to let you in. NTJ. Even if he is best friends with the owner it’s not acceptable to put a lowly patron in that position and risk your own membership. I used to use a gym like that and a lot of people got kicked out for letting others use their fobs or letting people in with them.” ghostofumich2005
Another User Comments:
“INFO: “He had the barcode key fob but didn’t have the key fob for the door” and “As soon as the door shut he opened it.” So did this person have a way to open the door or not? This makes no sense.” Kilkegard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It might be worth clarifying with the gym about their policy. Give them this scenario and say what are my obligations to defend the door vs. deal with a person threatening me?” chuckinhoutex
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Accident-Prone Fiancé Drive My Car?
“My fiancé woke me up at 7 am to ask if he could drive my car to take his daughter to school about 30 minutes away. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving my car and suggested he take an Uber instead. We live together.
He decided to keep his daughter mid-week as a favor to her mother. He has two of his own vehicles, a work van and an SUV. His SUV is being repaired and he let his employee drive the work van to a job.
In the last month, he has had 3 car accidents.
Two with his work van and one with his SUV. All accidents were his fault. He also badly dented the side of my car when parking it in Jan. He still hasn’t repaired or paid for the damage. He also owes me $ 450 from a loan in April.
He gets angry and says how dare I make him pay for an Uber when his money is tight and the rent is due. He then says I’ll be sorry and he’ll take an Uber but won’t be paying any rent. Is use of my car whenever you want a prerequisite for paying rent where you live?
And what type of partner makes these types of decisions alone contingent upon the use of my vehicle without any prior discussion? Also, I never drive either of his cars for any reason. I am now receiving the silent treatment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are not obligated to share your car with anyone, for any reason.
I want you to look at this relationship through your eyes, and then your partner’s eyes, For you, do you find yourself defending your positions with him more often than with others? Do you find that in these discussions he tried to emotionally manipulate you (Like the I’ll take Uber and not pay rent.) Is there ever a time where he has said, “you know what, that’s my fault I’m sorry” without having a “But you/they…” follow it.
From you seeing his perspective, look at how he views the relationship and most other relationships. Are his relationships to his benefit? Does he adapt and deflect to keep getting what he wants out of the relationship, while disproportionately not putting any of himself in emotionally?
Does he try to emotionally manipulate friends and others to get his way? Does he tell white lies if it helps get what he wants? I know you only gave a short description but holy does he sound like a selfish mooch. That’s why I ask the questions above, I’m really afraid you are getting used.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Why are you engaged to this guy?! He’s emotionally abusing you (silent treatment) and threatening to financially abuse you (withholding rent). Get out now! Also – please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft – they’re very enlightening.” HomelyHobbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are you with this person who treats you so badly? I’ve been driving for over 30 years and haven’t caused 3 accidents in all of that time (and I’m pretty sure that’s the norm), and you’re saying that he has caused that many in the last MONTH, and that’s not including seriously damaging your vehicle within the last few months as well.
Any rational person would say that you’d be out of your mind to let him drive any vehicle that you own. Honestly, that man shouldn’t be behind the wheel at all, ever, given his driving history. He’s clearly a menace. The fact that he is an objectively terrible (and possibly dangerous) driver and yet is PUNISHING you for not handing over your car to him just because he wants it speaks volumes.
Of course you’re NTJ, but he’s a massive one.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
12. AITJ For Holding A Grudge Against My Partner's Parents After Their Hurtful Comments?
“About 4 months ago I moved in with my partner and his family. It was just easier to get to uni and work from their house rather than traveling an hour+ from my parents’ home. When I moved in all was well. I was helping out with chores around the house.
I paid board on time and we never had any issues.
HOWEVER, a month after I moved in, my partner and I decided to start looking for houses because we wanted space for ourselves. About a week later I brought it into a conversation with his parents that we were thinking of moving out.
Needless to say, things started to go crazy after I said that. His father immediately went into a frenzy saying we weren’t ready and told us how if we rented we would never afford to buy a house and we should just stay there until we had enough.
And used my parents (who have never owned a house) as an example. I could feel the head-spinning kind of rage brewing so I left the conversation and my partner ran after me and had to console me the whole night.
Anyway, I spent some time back at my parents after that and my partner’s dad kept on calling my mum downplaying the situation (as to how he reacted) but still blaming me at the same time.
I eventually moved back over there because they insisted I was paying too much for petrol.
There were many other incidents that they had issues with and told my partner about and never told me about it. There was argument one after another and I kept bouncing back and apologising for the situation.
But one day they took it too far and for that, I don’t think I can forgive them for quite some time. My partner told me a lot of what he and my partner’s mother said and I just kept growing a bigger dislike for them.
When we finally moved into our own house, his parents offered to pay for some appliances and other things. I was skeptical because I knew they would use this for leverage. My partner and I got into a fight over it and he said I was holding a grudge and needed to be the bigger person.
The next day he apologised and I have not heard much since. I visited my parents on the day he was helping my partner move his stuff in.
But tonight my partner and I were having a casual conversation and he let it slip that his father said about a week ago that if he knew I had Asperger’s (autism), he would have never let me in the house.
I’m not sure if I can ever forgive them for saying that. However, I think my partner’s parents apologized to him for the things they said. AITJ for holding a grudge?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ they have been absolutely awful to and about you, and I have no idea why you’d want to put yourself in any situation where that can continue.
I’d try and have a very serious talk with your partner about boundaries, and how much constant abuse hurts and wears you down. Also to avoid them continuing to make decisions for you like they have been. Please, whatever happens, make sure he doesn’t give them a key!
If he wants a relationship with his family, he should know that you do not have to be, and won’t be, included. He’s currently letting you be treated awfully by his parents, and that’s not fair in any way.” BugsySnookums
Another User Comments:
“”However, I think my partner’s parents apologized to him for the things they said.” They should apologize to you.
They chose to make their peace with him, but not you. Their son is important to them, but not you. What your partner’s father said about not letting you in shows he still doesn’t like you. We can’t police people’s thoughts, but we can expect them to keep those thoughts to themselves and to remain civil in person.
Your partner’s father is failing at that.” Aedronn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Bear with me, if your partner’s dad really said what was reported either he’s the biggest jerk in three counties, or he doesn’t know what Asperger’s is. Perhaps he thinks it’s contagious. Either way, you can’t proceed with the relationship holding a grudge like this.
Either confront your partner’s dad & get satisfaction, forgive yourself, or move on to a new relationship. There’s nothing here that sounds as though it’s going to work, long-term. First thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging.” deathtofumanchu
11. AITJ For Refusing To Move A Gymnast To A Lower Level Class Due To Her Mother's Bias Against Male Teachers?
“I (34F) am the supervisor/scheduler for the gymnastics program at a youth center. Our program is fairly popular, but we only have one advanced class. Our advanced class is VERY advanced. Most kids never reach this level, and that’s okay.
We have one teacher for this class (26M), although he has two teaching assistants who are volunteers and both female.
This teacher, I’ll call him Robert, is one of our few male teachers. The mother of one of his students wants her daughter removed from his class and placed in a different class. Unfortunately, all of our other classes are below her level. To move her would A) be unfair to her, as she wouldn’t be able to progress and B) be unfair to the other students in that class who aren’t at her level.
The mom doesn’t care and wants her daughter with a female teacher. I just can’t accommodate this. I told her I understood if she wants to go to a different program, but she said other gymnastics classes are too far away and too expensive. I feel bad because she’s hinting that she’ll just make her daughter stop gymnastics altogether, which would be a shame.
However, I can’t justify moving her.
The mom is really angry with me. My boss, who runs the youth center, says that it’s my call since I know the program a lot better than him. However, he also said he’s sure there’s a way to resolve the situation.
I really don’t think there is. We’ve never had a problem with this teacher, by the way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is there any real reason why she might have reservations about the teacher? Unless she really has a good reason, I don’t see any other way out, I mean, you did clarify this to her, yes?
If so, there is no more you can do, if she wants to set her daughter back for no other reason than her having some weird issue with a male teacher, there is nothing you can do.” Iothil
Another User Comments:
“Just move the kid to another class.
So what if it’s not as advanced? The student will either be fine with it or complain to her mom herself. Unfortunately, Mom is paying for the class… and if she wants to be weird and sexist, I think you have to just go with what she wants.
I know you’re trying to do what’s right by the student and her teacher, but I don’t think you’d really stick up for the girl or the teacher the way you think you are by being stubborn against a foolish mom. Let this go.
Edit: actually after reading other comments and your replies, OP, I wonder if you might need to just tell this woman that your school can’t accommodate her request and that she’ll have to leave.
It’s unfortunate for the daughter, yes, but you have to keep your program and teachers safe from this kind of crazy mom if you want the program to keep flourishing!” friendly_cub
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t state why the mother wants a female teacher – has the child had a bad experience with a male teacher before?
However, from what you have stated, it seems very clear. You could put her into a lower class which may not be fair to her or the other students, but then she would just have to go back to their level. This problem would just crop back up in a year when the class moves up again and she would then have to move up to the male teacher.
You can’t keep her in the lower class indefinitely. I would say to the mother, you would hate to lose the student as she shows promise, but these are the options available to her and she would have to go to the designated class or leave.” Various-Bridge-325
10. AITJ For Clapping For My Classmates When No One Else Did?
“My accounting class offered optional presentations to help out our grades.
I’m running roughly an A- so I didn’t think it was necessary but a few students decided to do it. The class is relatively big so standing in front of the room is really anxiety-inducing.
So the first girl does her speech, she’s really quiet and it’s obvious she’s nervous.
She finishes and the professor asks her a question, she answers, and then the prof says thank you. I clap. That’s what you do at the end of speeches. No one else clapped which I felt was really odd.
The next person goes, he does a really good job and finishes with a thank you.
I clap again because that’s how I was raised, he smiles at me and says thank you and then everyone like awkwardly claps. The professor says “it’s okay to clap for your classmates, it’s difficult to stand up here and talk.”
Then my friend goes, she finishes the speech and I clap extra loud for her but the class is still awkwardly clapping.
The same thing happens for the last person.
Is there some sort of change in etiquette that I didn’t get the memo on? I also take public speaking and at the end of every speech we clap for whoever went. I was under the impression that it was the right thing to do.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For some folks, getting up in front of people is equivalent to a death sentence. Public speaking can be a big asset and by giving some positive reinforcement you may make a difference in their future. At the very least, you gave them a moment of positivity.
And can’t we all use a bit more of that? Good on you!!!” dfwnighthawk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s really awesome that you clapped for your classmates! I find it really odd that no one else was clapping beside you (everyone always used to clap after any presentation during school or college when I went).
You did nothing wrong so keep on clapping!” ScoobieSubieDoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Many of your classmates are probably out of the habit of being more social and energized. It’s a thing a lot of my friends who are teaching both K-12 and higher education are describing amongst their students, as well as their colleagues.
On top of that, there can be a different dynamic in “thrown together” groups like your class, and in this one, you ended up being the most extroverted and willing to lead by example. Maybe in some other accounting class, a person is wondering, “Why is everyone clapping and not quiet like the class I took in Cleveland last year?”” Old_Ship_1701
9. AITJ For Refusing To Speak To My Mom After She Invaded My Privacy While I Was In Pain?
“Last night I (16nb) was messing around in the living room while my mom (42f) was in the shower, suddenly I had a really sharp horrible pain in my chest to the point where I could barely breathe and I couldn’t move from my hips up.
I had called my mom for help because this had never happened before and I was a little nervous. My mom came out of the shower and told me to “just breathe I clearly worked myself up and I was fine.” At this point I was shaking uncontrollably, she checked my oxygen and heart rate and said they were normal. This isn’t the part I’m too mad about but what she did next made me FURIOUS.
She walked across the room, picked my phone off the floor, and began going through it, when I asked her what she was doing she said “Whatever I want, I pay for the darn phone.” Then she began being angry and accusing me of things because I was upset about her going through my phone.
I stated multiple times that I wanted my phone to be the little privacy I have because my mom doesn’t respect any boundaries I have set. I slowly and very painfully got off the floor, took my phone out of her hand, and went to my room.
I was still shaking, in a lot of pain, and my head felt funny when I went to bed.
I’m still in pain the next day and not speaking to my mom. She is furious and screams every time I ignore her. She’s tried justifying what she did by saying “I didn’t think you were that bad you always have so many issues” (I’m chronically ill and disabled).
So AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“I have a 16 yo and if wanted to go through a phone that I pay for then I would. BUT only with a serious reason (bullying for example). But what is astounding to me is that they would do it while you were writhing in pain on the floor.
Like, where are her priorities? Going through my child’s phone at that moment would be the absolute last thing on my mind. I feel bad for you, sorry.” Stonecutter_12-83
Another User Comments:
“Not enough information. Why would the mom go from calming their child down to maliciously looking through their cell phone and yelling at them?
Do you have a lot of anxiety? Are you depressed? (Not for you to answer here) it’s been proven that spending time on social media has severely detrimental effects on mental health. I wonder if you saw something or accidentally did something that led to a panic attack.
If you think you have any privacy on your phone, you are kidding yourself. Maybe your mom isn’t monitoring everything, but your phone does and apps do too. Don’t ever think a text or email is private. They are like postcards – anyone can read the contents as they travel from you to the recipient.” Pragmaticethicist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like not only does she not respect your privacy and boundaries, she’s not taking you seriously, nor does she trust you. She needs to do better! You deserve to have your privacy. Did you even do anything to warrant this level of suspicion?
If you haven’t, then that’s a major red flag for some deep-rooted emotional trauma on her end. In that scenario, I recommend she go to therapy.” Faladir
8. AITJ For Telling My Neglectful Mother She Doesn't Deserve To Be A Mom?
“I, a 16-year-old female, live with my mom, a 40-year-old female, who has been very difficult my entire life.
She’s been involved with illegal substances my entire childhood and had random men in and out of our homes. We’ve been kicked out and evicted from more hotels and apartments than I can count. She’s had multiple partners that treat her like nothing but trash.
Her most recent partner, I’m gonna call him Derrick, came into my mom’s life like a knight in shining armor acting like the perfect guy. He soon convinced my mom to move in with him into a new apartment. When we did, he slowly started to show his true colors, he started to stay out later and sometimes all night and come home at like 10 in the morning.
My mom soon found out he’d been unfaithful to her with multiple different women but she never left him because she “needed” him.
Like a year later, he got my mom pregnant and she had a baby boy. During that time, she started back on illegal substances again and started to also stay out late and sometimes didn’t come home for days at a time.
It really frustrated me because my little sister doesn’t know how to take care of a baby and my older brother stays gone all day at work so it’s left up to only me. I confronted her multiple times telling her that she doesn’t even take into consideration how I feel about this with school and everything.
One day after she stayed gone for 4 days in a row, I finally snapped and yelled at her “WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU STAYING GONE ALL DAY AND NIGHT DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT AND LEAVING YOUR NEWBORN BABY WITH ME KNOWING I’M STILL A CHILD MYSELF, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER.” After I said that she looked at me with tears in her eyes and ran out the door crying.
Now I feel bad even though I was just telling her how I feel when she’s never thought to ask me, and my siblings are telling me that I was wrong for saying that to her. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a woman who leaves her minor — NEWBORN — kids uncared for and unsupervised for 4 days is not a mother except in the strictly biological sense of the term.
Your siblings bear none of the extra care burden, so think only of the biological connection. They will see better in two years when you leave, unless whatever version of CPS that exists in your country brings that day earlier.” JudgeJudAITA
Another User Comments:
“Don’t worry OP, you’re NTJ.
You told her what needed to be said; she was passing off her kids onto her other kids so she could go out and do god-knows-what, let alone the substance usage and other things she could be doing that could be endangering you guys. I can’t give any advice, but I hope everything works out for you guys and that things get better, and hopefully, your mom can find some help to stay off substances and be there for you guys.” oc3xn
Another User Comments:
“What she is doing is reasonable IF SHE WAS GONE FOR MAYBE 3 HOURS. What kind of a monster leaves their newborn baby all day with a 16-year-old who doesn’t know how to parent because they are 16, and has to juggle school because they are 16?
Not to mention all of the opportunities you are missing out on (part-time work, apprenticeships). NTJ, what you did was confront her. And that was the right thing to do.” Realtotallymereturns
7. AITJ For Offering To Pay For My Parents' Early Morning Uber To The Airport?
“My husband and I have a 2-year-old. We do not have family nearby.
My parents offered to fly in so we could have a night away and finally sleep in. They arrived on a Friday afternoon. We spent Saturday night at a hotel and came home the next day (Sunday), around 2:30 pm.
After asking if we had a nice time, my father said (with a smirk on his face), “Here’s the bad news: we need you to drive us to the airport at 3 am.” This came as a surprise (we thought they’d be flying out after breakfast the following morning).
I told my parents that I would be happy to pay for a car service to take them to the airport at 3:00 a.m.; this way everyone’s needs would be met (my husband and I both work and our child wakes at 6 every morning, so going back to sleep after driving them would not have been an option).
Shortly after I suggested providing a car service, my mom took me into another room to tell me that my father was very “hurt” over the idea that I wouldn’t be driving them myself. She said it felt like I was treating them like servants.
I immediately sought out my dad (he was sulking and lying in bed in the guest room). I told him that I would never want to hurt him. He responded that “he was not hurt, he was mad.” I told him that I was sorry and that my intention was only to avoid feeling exhausted the next day.
I tried to smooth things over as best I could and said that I would drive them myself at 3:00 a.m. (which I did).
Unfortunately, my dad remained abrasive for the remainder of the visit and more or less refused to participate in any pleasant family interactions.
I had hoped that after my parents got home and had some time to decompress, they’d come around….and maybe even apologize. Unfortunately, they maintained the position that I was disrespectful and rude for even thinking about putting them in an Uber. We since have not had any further discussion on the matter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It honestly baffles me that they could be so generous to come out, then get bent out of shape over you not wanting to wake up at 3 am. Like, they didn’t even have the decency to tell you when they booked it so you could have said no. Now you’ll get a sitter in the future, and it would make me hesitant to invite them back.
So in the end, they see you and the grandbaby less. He’s hurting himself in the long run.” AnarchyAcid
Another User Comments:
“Retired grandparents see their visits as a major, unique family bonding event loaded with lots of playful, emotional bonding… they are not seeing it in the context of your life: a few precious hours of sleep and (hopefully some quiet time) mixed into your usual full time working and parent life.
No need to apologize on your part, just mention appreciation and then talk about your job the next time you’re on the phone. Your dad is a little too tightly wrapped around the vision of him being a benevolent and admirable father and grandfather.” UsualHour1463
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The “bad news” should have been told to you upfront so you could have said no thanks, we’ll get a babysitter instead. This was some weird power play on your father’s part. I would make it clear to them that behavior like this makes you a lot less likely to spend time with them in the future.
What is the point of them coming so you get to rest a bit then having to have a sleepless night? You are worse off than you started.” ninasimonerules
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Own Job Celebration Dinner?
“Two weeks ago I (30F) received a job offer at one of my dream companies and I’m so stoked because (1) I was absolutely miserable at my current/previous job and (2) I get to WFH and they’re nearly doubling my salary, finally pushing me into the 6 figures range.
I call my mom to tell her the good news, to which she congratulates me, and later in the phone conversation I casually ask her when we’ll see each other next since we have things to exchange (typically food and clothes) and she offhandedly mentions “Oh!
So you can treat me for dinner for your new job, right? I can bring my husband along too!” I just awkwardly laugh at this and we don’t discuss it further. I thought that was that.
We talk later in the week and my mom brings up the idea of celebrating my younger half-sister’s (Soph) 18th birthday (April 30th) earlier in the month and says we can go to a big restaurant chain to celebrate it.
We decide to wait for the offer letter to arrive first to talk about it.
The offer letter finally arrives and I let my mom know that I’ve signed it and she asks if it’s okay if we celebrate my new job on the same day as Soph’s birthday celebration and I decline stating the focus should be on Soph.
My mom then presses that we can still do a small celebration and asks if I don’t mind paying for it. I don’t respond to her text about this because to be honest I don’t know how to answer it without setting her off.
Later that evening my mom calls me and relays her congratulations again and asks if it’s okay if I pay for the dinner.
I tell her that I do mind because (1) I haven’t even started the job yet and (2) My fiancé and I are quite frugal and like to stick to our budget — this dinner celebration certainly won’t break us, but it will make us go over what we allotted for this month in dining out.
My mom hems and haws and calls me a “cheap daughter” and bemoans that I won’t even pay for her own mother. She then switches the conversation to Vietnamese so her husband won’t understand and says that she needs me to pick up the bill because she already told her husband that I offered to pay and she wants to save face and that she’ll “pay me back” for dinner if I go through with her plan.
I sigh and tell her fine because I don’t want to get into an argument with her.
After I get off the phone with her, I tell my fiancé what happened and he’s annoyed because this isn’t the first time we’ve had a “money” conversation with my mother, where she ultimately ends up “guilting” me into paying.
I ended up talking to one of my Asian coworkers, asking if my mom suggesting that I pay for my own celebration was stereotypical and she said that she can’t comment because her family is well off so it’s never been an issue but as she’s gotten older, they have asked her to pay her share of things.
The dinner is this upcoming weekend and I think I’m just going to suck it up and pay for the entire thing and tell her not to pay me back. I don’t want to fight with her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is it just me or was she trying to lump in your half-sister’s birthday into the celebration so you would pay for that too?
It sounds like your mom is being frugal and since it also sounds like there have been money issues before this is something you should set boundaries with. What about talking to your fiance about hosting something small at your place? You cook an affordable dinner and everyone can still celebrate.
At the very least you want to be a partnership with your partner so maybe discuss it with him and say you will do this as a one-time exception and that going forward you will hold tighter boundaries. Then communicate with her your boundaries and you will do this the one time.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop letting other people (Mom) spend your money. You will NOT get repaid for this dinner. And you don’t even want to buy this dinner for your family. And you didn’t even plan the dinner. Cancel plans to attend the dinner.
Tell Mom that your plans changed and you won’t be attending. Going forward, don’t discuss money with your mom, don’t give/lend money to Mom, and don’t get involved financially with any dealings with family. Period. If your mom wants to host a dinner to celebrate your good fortune, she can change to a cheaper restaurant, offer to split the tab, and/or reschedule for when she can afford the bill.
Don’t allow her to manipulate you. No one needs a fancy meal out.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your mom is fully manipulating you and SHE is the cheapskate here. In all the various Asian families I’ve known including my own, rich and poor, it’s a point of pride that the parents pay for all dinners out, etc, ESPECIALLY if a child is being celebrated. If a different child wants to pay, that’s the parents losing face and hence the stereotypical “fighting to pay the bill” dramatics ensue lol.
But as the kids get older yeah the parents aren’t as spicy about this and certainly do start being open about payment being done the other way as part of filial piety. If it was the child organizing the event sure, parents will do the “are you SURE you don’t want us to pay” face-saving performance while secretly being glad you’re footing the bill, but when they’re organizing?
To ask their own child to pay for a celebration for the child is beyond gauche and anyone who finds out will gossip about their cheapness. All that said this is a trend with your mom and it’s entirely up to you to figure out how to keep the peace.
The fact that she’s playing games like this tells you all you need to know and how you need to shift tactics to stop her from putting you in this position again.” mignyau
5. AITJ For Being Upset At My Telehealth Appointment Miscommunication?
“I searched for a therapist with a list from my insurance company. After double-checking, I was assured I found a therapist.
I set an appointment and thought this was a standard therapist intake. She dispensed meds, but I believed she was either my therapist or would set me up with one.
For this telehealth appointment, I logged in and waited.
12 minutes later, I called the office. The receptionist said my paperwork wasn’t filled out, but I remembered filling out my paperwork. Still, I tried to give her my email address, but the appointment arrived.
She calls ‘HELLO?’ to my screen.
I am explaining to both what is going on. The phone lady gets angry. ‘I’m going to call you back’ and hangs up on me.
Rushed appointment. She rapid fires the checklist: ‘Are you okay? Sleeping? Eating?’ In 3 minutes, she said ‘Ok, next appointment 2 months.’
I said ‘I thought I was getting a therapist.”
She says: No? I’m not a therapist.
“Oh. I requested a therapist.”
Her: You never asked ME for a therapist!
I say: ‘Never mind, it’s fine.’ But I thought why would I ask (who I thought was) my therapist for a therapist?*
She says “You’re being rude! Your meds aren’t working. You need a mood stabilizer.”
“No thank you.”
“You sure? You’re obviously upset.” Being angry is bad?
“I thought I was getting a therapist.”
You never said you needed a therapist. Would you like our list?
“No, thank you.”
“See you in two months!” Appointment ends. I was not told what day.
It’s been bugging me ever since. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ that is beyond inappropriate. I would call them and talk to someone in charge and explain the situation.
There was no need for you to go through this dismissal, get hung up on, and be accused of being rude on top of the fact that they breezed through an appointment with you – was this your first appointment with them? If so it is super bad because they don’t have an established relationship to determine if you could mentally be handled like that and be okay etc. I am appalled. And don’t get me started on how they treat medication in this field ha ha It is so confusing in the psych world and my husband has a psych PhD lol.” VindalooWho
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is REALLY difficult to navigate mental health benefits. REALLY difficult. The first thing is to call the insurance provider – to find out EXACTLY what your benefits are, ask for a referral to an LCW or other talk therapist. Psych/Psych MP usually does not handle talk therapy – just medication management.
Call the doctor’s office to ask for a referral too. I KNOW your frustration, but in Healthcare you cannot trust someone else. Ask for a referral outside of your regular appointment time. And by the way, RUN to a new meds doc. For the first response is to throw a mood stabilizer at you is completely unprofessional!” BrendaLouBrendaLou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You Australian? If so call the Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency, they can give you the information needed to sort this person out. In my office only licensed psychologists can hand out any meds or scripts, the one receptionist that overstepped was immediately terminated. All our admin staff know not to presume they know better than us, and the nurses who do work here, have to follow strict protocols about ongoing dispensing of medications, ESPECIALLY over Zoom or Skype.
Not one of our intake receptionists or nurses would even dare not to inform any of us about a client reaching out. I am sorry you were treated this way, even with the lack of staff in the mental health sector right now, we still have to follow the laws around the dispensing of medication, mostly because our client’s needs have to be met.” OriginalDogeStar
4. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Coworker For Coming On A Work Trip Without Money?
“My colleague is in his mid-20s and traveling for work for the first time. He spent the whole car ride talking about how he was broke but his salary and rent are the same as mine were just a couple of years ago and is on the upper end of the pay scale for what we do.
We checked into the hotel and when they asked him for a card for incidentals he did not have a debit or credit card. He came on a 5-day trip with zero money (not even singles to tip the bellman) and jumped at the opportunity to stay an extra day with a few of us to go outlet shopping after the work trip.
At this point I’m wondering how he will eat for the last day since the company is not feeding us and if I’ll be stuck footing the bill for the expensive Uber to the airport and who knows what else. To add insult to injury, we work with credit and sensitive information so I’m really worried this person is a huge financial liability waiting to happen.
I am considered a big sister/unofficial mentor to this person so I feel obligated to speak up and mention something is off, I’m also concerned if he does some shady stuff it would reflect poorly on me. So WIBTJ if I told my boss about my coworker traveling across the country for work without a dollar to his name?”
Another User Comments:
“Why wouldn’t you be getting reimbursed for your Uber ride since it’s for work? Honestly, this doesn’t necessarily sound like red flag material. He might actually have a credit card on him; he might just have said he doesn’t have a credit card with him because he didn’t want to put one down and potentially get charged a hold, etc., by the hotel.
A lot of people don’t travel with cash, so I’m not surprised he didn’t have cash. Him saying he’s broke isn’t a red flag– he could have other expenses in his life that you don’t have and it’s frankly none of your business. None of that rises to the level of being a high fraud risk.
Just talk to your coworker directly if you’re so worried about it. If he’s staying an extra day with all of you and you’re worried you’re going to get stuck paying the bill for him, just talk to him about it now. YWBTJ if you decide to bring it up to your boss based on what you’ve laid out here.” DefinitelyNotGilroy
Another User Comments:
“I think if you’re feeling like this, then your gut or intuition is telling you something. It’s a bit odd in this day and age to not carry any form of cash or card on you. And to then also stay an extra day to go shopping when you’ve admitted you’re broke?!
That’s odd. But, In saying that, there could be legitimate reasons for him staying the extra day e.g. Maybe your colleague is trying to fit in and do some networking. But if that’s not the reason then I would have concerns too.
Tbh, if it was me, I would tell the boss. But I’d probably phrase it in an informal casual kinda way eg, “the trip was great, it went well. Only a couple of hiccups where x didn’t bring any cards or cash with him, and as you know, hotels need that for incidentals, etc. but overall it was successful“.
That way you’re flagging it with your boss without ‘dobbing’ him in or getting him in trouble as such and you’ve covered yourself that way in case something does happen with him in the future. I don’t think YWBTJ if you tell the boss.” joelingstar
Another User Comments:
“This is an extremely gray area. People who don’t work in finance, pay attention. I would probably bring it up with your coworker first, and tell him company rules and policies about business trips. This is his first one. Maybe no one told him anything yet.
He is dealing with our people’s credit and financial information and that sends a red flag in my mind. What do your other coworkers think? Do they share the same sentiments? If so, you all bring the concerns to the manager. Again, he’s working with people’s credit and other finance information.
No one is claiming fraud activity at this point. But most banks are strict about this kind of stuff (I work for a bank), and this could either be a fireable offense or a verbal warning depending on the circumstances.
Wanted to make a clarification.
I don’t mean that he’s done anything to cause him to be fired. Just trying to explain how most finance companies could interpret this behavior. YWNBTJ if you told your manager though.” ElevatorOk8601
3. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Spend Mother's Day With Her Partner's Kids Instead Of Me?
“My (M15) parents are divorced. My mom has a partner that she’s been seeing since December, and he has two kids (F10) and (F14) that I’ve met a few times.
So backstory: My mom and I always spend my school breaks doing something fun together. My dad never offers to take me anywhere or do anything fun, so she always makes plans for the two of us even when it’s technically my week with him.
He doesn’t mind. So for spring break, I thought I was going to spend it with my mom as I always do. She wasn’t sure what our plans were when I asked, and then she still wouldn’t answer when I kept asking.
A few days before I found out that she was going to my grandpa’s sister’s vacation home with her partner and his kids, and I assumed I was going too, but then she never invited me. She never even asked if I had plans with my dad until the night before spring break (because she knew that I didn’t), and then just suggested I make some plans with my cousins.
So yeah, I was kind of annoyed that she didn’t invite me, and I told her after she came back that I was disappointed that we didn’t do anything together. She told me her partner slept most of the time and she had some “girl time” with his daughters, so I probably wouldn’t have had fun.
So back to now. She asked me yesterday if I wanted to see a movie and go to dinner together for Mother’s Day. I told her no and that maybe she can spend it having “girl time” with her partner’s kids instead. She told me that was mean and then walked away, and hasn’t really spoken to me since yesterday.
AITJ for what I said and not wanting to spend the day with her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is making the oh-so-bad but common choice of trying so hard with the new partner’s kids that she neglects her own. I’d point that out and, if she continues to overcompensate with them by neglecting you you’ll request to stay with Dad.
And op…she knows what she did. She feels guilty but doesn’t want to admit she was wrong. Call her out on it. She knows she intentionally left you out to prioritize them, otherwise she wouldn’t have been so vague leading up to it. Tell her.” Minute_Box3852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and she is feeling convicted. She should not have done that to you. I would never take someone else’s children over my own. She wouldn’t answer because she knew she was wrong. She just didn’t want to admit to what she was doing.
The very act of her lying and evading to cover it up shows she knows she was wrong. Then she tried to downplay what she did. Hopefully, she learns and doesn’t do this again. Maybe you should have a talk with her and let her know you feel she has forgotten you over HIS children.
It was a total jerk move to you. Do not hide your emotions, let her know how you feel. She needs to know she is being a jerk. You are a forever relationship – he may or may not be. She needs to know what her actions are costing her.
I would be clear and let her know if it continues it will affect your relationship with her because you do deserve better. I would also mention it in front of the new partner – to see if he pressured her to exclude you. If he is and she does – that is on her.” crazycatlady45325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your mom only thinks it’s “mean” because it makes her feel guilty. Rather than be an adult and own up to the fact that she messed up and hurt you, she wants to pretend everything is fine. It’s a terrible attitude for a parent to have, but an unfortunately common one.
If you care to, you can try to explain to her why being excluded made you feel bad and give her a chance to apologize. On the subject of your dad, have you ever asked him if he wants to do something together? Like do you have any hobbies or interests in common?
It’s possible he does want to spend more time with you but just doesn’t know how to go about it. My dad was like that.” LarkspurSong
2. AITJ For Commenting On My Nephew's Height After Not Seeing Him For 7 Years?
“I got to see my nephew for the first time in 7 years at a family event a few days ago.
The last time I saw him he was 9 years old. Since then he’s grown a lot and is now (guessing) around 6ft 6in tall. Most people in our family are tall but he’s definitely towering over the majority of us.
So when I saw him I gave him a hug and said “Wow!
You’ve grown so much!” and he just looked at me angrily and said “Yeah? And you’ve gotten fatter.”
I felt terrible for offending him, since my intention was only to comment on how much he’s grown since I last saw him (I said the same thing to my cousin’s daughter who I last saw when she was 2 and is now 6), but I totally understand how it could be seen as only commenting on his height.
I apologised and excused myself (and to be honest snuck out early because I felt so awful).
I’ve always struggled with my weight so while I was hurt by his comment it in some ways felt like I deserved it for what I said. His sister who overheard it later told me that he’s really tired of people commenting on his height.
So yes, people of the internet, did I mess up badly? I think I might be the jerk simply because we shouldn’t really comment on people’s bodies.”
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t mess up really. He’s just heard that sentence on repeat since he got over 6ft so you were probably just the straw that broke the tall camel’s back.
If anything your nephew is the jerk. If he’s going to insult everyone who comments on his height he’s going to have a rough life. Also, he would be a very very angry short guy, darn.” hipnosister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that, as a child/teenager, it gets old hearing how tall we’ve gotten from older relatives.
I remember thinking “no crap Sherlock, did you expect me to stay 4’2 forever?” Now, I’m at an age where I’ll see a picture of my nephews after a long time of not seeing them in person and I’m shocked at how quickly they’re growing up.
I think I’d personally refrain from commenting on their height to their faces, simply because I remember firsthand how annoying I found it, but there’s nothing wrong with it in itself. If anything I think we do this to kids because their growth reminds us of the passage of time in general. We’re shocked that such a significant amount of time has flown by.
I see a tall teenager who I once cradled as a baby and I’m in awe that they’re so big now because how have 17 years passed already? I get it from both sides. But yeah, you weren’t the jerk and he was incredibly rude for what he said.” faerieW15B
Another User Comments:
“OP, you’re NTJ. I’m 6’8. I constantly get comments on my height. By friends, family, complete strangers, you name it. Does it get old and repetitive? Yes. Do I ever get mad when someone comments on it in a non-insulting way?
Absolutely not. Chances are, they don’t see people as tall as me very often, so I don’t get mad at their wonder/curiosity. Also, saying “Wow! You’ve grown so much” to a person you haven’t seen since they were a CHILD is a very common thing to say and is not an insult about height, weight, etc. Yes, maybe your nephew is self-conscious or insecure about his height.
But that gives him no right to maliciously attack you on your physical appearance when you did not insult them. My extended family members said the same thing (that you said to your nephew) to me when they saw me after a long time. And, every now and then, they still say “I forget how tall you are sometimes.”” GuidanceTraining9654
1. AITJ For Calling My Ex's Partner An Idiot After She Accused Our Son Of Stealing?
“My son (4) doesn’t understand the difference between my house and his dad’s house. To him, they’re both “home” so he tends to bring things from his dad’s house to mine and vice versa. These things are stuff that don’t belong to my son but belong to me or my ex.
We’re both aware he does this and we both think he does it as a coping mechanism for being away from the other parent so we have an agreement to just return the items whenever we can.
My ex’s partner noticed my son had put a gift she had given to my ex in his bag.
She accused him of being a thief and said he was trying to steal from them. She ended up making my son cry and wouldn’t listen when I was trying to explain the situation and how he wasn’t stealing since my ex is okay with him doing this.
Eventually, I got fed up and told her she was an idiot. She went and complained to my ex about it who tried to defuse the situation by explaining the exact same thing I did.
He told me I shouldn’t have called her an idiot and I told him she was behaving like one.
The partner obviously doesn’t like me anymore and my ex is frustrated by both of us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your kid is four, he is not intentionally stealing things but doing exactly what you’re describing. (If it gets worse though, like he starts taking things from grocery stores, daycare, library, etc. please do seek out counseling for him so he can learn how to control and understand his emotions so this doesn’t turn into a real issue later).
Your ex’s partner is indeed lacking in intelligence if she thinks otherwise or thinks it’s ok to accuse a four-year-old of being a thief. She could have just taken it and said “This isn’t an item we bring back to mommy’s house” and given him a different item.
Was this item something important to their relationship that would explain her negative reaction?” RadiantInstruction21
Another User Comments:
“He’ll be old enough to start kindergarten next year. It’s probably a good time to start teaching him that it’s not ok to pick up whatever from wherever and take it to the next place you’re going.
Everyone’s a jerk. Her, for being so harsh to a four-year-old who doesn’t understand the concept of not being able to take whatever he wants from whoever and just move it around because his parents won’t teach him. You, for calling her an idiot. You and Dad both, for not bothering to teach him not to take things that don’t belong to him.” dingthewitchisdeaf
Another User Comments:
“While she’s the jerk here for HOW she expressed her discomfort here (by calling a child a thief), I do have to say… she’s not WRONG to not be comfortable with just allowing a four-year-old to truck items from her household (that don’t belong to the child!) back and forth between his two homes, potentially risking losing or forgetting those items at the other parent’s home.
This is absolutely something that is both possible and important for you and your ex to address. Just quietly returning the items is cool when you two are the only two people involved, but now you’re not and your ex’s new partner shouldn’t have to worry about stuff being lost. Simply teach your child to ask the owners of items when he wants to take an item that came from somewhere other than his own bedroom from home to home– you and your ex can then okay what you don’t mind (which sounds like will be most of the stuff he wants to take) and also are able to draw a line if he takes something that would be a problem.
And then if the new partner has any problems with the stuff being brought back and forth, you can just defer her to “he asked his dad for permission, this is a problem between you and your partner, not you and our son.” NTJ. And honestly, it’s only a matter of time before this kid loses someone’s work ID badge or something that he’s picked because it has a picture of one of his parents or something!
Never mind losing sentimental items at the other home, one of these days he’s going to take something with him that you’ll need to bother the other parent to retrieve asap because it’s an important item.” Kittenn1412
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