People Stress About Their Image In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Scolding A Kid For Spitting At An Amusement Park?
“Today I (38f) took my daughter (11) to a local amusement park. We were waiting in line for a roller coaster. In front of us was a group of three kids, probably about 12-13 years old, two girls and a boy. We were making our way up some stairs and waiting for the line to keep moving, and the boy spit over the stairs.
To me, spitting is incredibly rude and disgusting and so I gave him a death glare. He saw me giving him a stare-down but he didn’t say anything. I figured that was the end of it.
The line eventually turns into a walkway that goes over the coaster tracks.
The boy spit over the edge again, onto the tracks below us. I was just flabbergasted and I yelled, “Hey!” He jumped and looked at me in surprise. I said sternly, “If you do that again I will tell the ride attendants and get you kicked off the ride – that’s NOT okay!”
Editing to add: he was not suffering from allergies or an ailment that caused him to have an excessive amount of spit. That’s different. Both times I could see him working up a mouthful of saliva before he spit so it was definitely on purpose and not because he was producing excess phlegm.
He looked startled, and then angry and kept glaring back at me, but that was it. My daughter, however, was mortified. She didn’t talk to me except to say I embarrassed her because I yelled. I told her what that kid was doing was absolutely unacceptable, and if she was off with friends and did something stupid I would want someone to call her out on her behavior.
She’s still embarrassed and sulking so I’m starting to wonder if I was too harsh. In retrospect, I could have asked him nicely to not spit, or just not said anything at all.
So AITJ for telling a kid to stop spitting? I’m not asking if I’m a jerk for embarrassing my daughter as my mere existence can be an embarrassment so that on its own is nothing new.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is disgusting and someone ought to call it out. Young boys are gross, that’s not news. But it’s never been ok to spit like that in a public place. The kid sounds feral.” Healthy-Arachnid1119
Another User Comments:
“Interesting one. It sounds like it’s more of a personal peeve of yours than anything the kid was doing wrong.
If he was spitting on other people, then that’s one thing – no rule saying he can’t spit just on the tracks or the ground or anywhere else. Not really on you to enforce rules that don’t exist in any place other than your mind.
YTJ, but a sympathetic one as I also think it’s a bit disgusting, but it’s not really something you get to yell at him for as it’s not breaking any rules, just sensibilities.” UMCorian
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if I was 13 and did something arguably questionable, and someone else’s mom started yelling at me, I would be shook.
If I were your daughter, I would be extremely embarrassed, my mother just yelled at some peers at an amusement park when we were supposed to have a fun day. Spitting is disgusting, and it’s fine to ask 13-year-olds to stop, but that was not the right way or place to do it.
Escalating from staring at someone to lightly threatening a kid for spitting is a jerk move. From the info it seems you escalated too quickly, maybe he didn’t pick up on the social cue of why you were staring, kids are dense. YTJ.” bugtanks33d
21. AITJ For Not Eating Pizza At My Uncle's Partner's Birthday Party?
“I’m 24F, and my uncle and his partner are 31 and 32 (he is much younger than my mom so we are close in age).
My uncle is the absolute golden child, can do no wrong.
We get along alright for my grandparents’ sake, but otherwise, we don’t have contact apart from birthdays and holidays.
Yesterday was the partner’s birthday and I made her a birthday cake (as I usually do for all the family birthdays).
She bought pizza and served it on the table for the guests to grab a slice or so.
I wasn’t hungry so I just said I’m full and might take a slice later. It wasn’t like a dinner or anything, just people sitting at the table having pizzas and talking.
My grandma got furious and said I have to have some food because the partner really put the effort into it. I didn’t.
Today my grandma called me and said I offended the partner who is now feeling hurt and rejected and I should really act better.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As long as you weren’t rude about it, you eat what you want when you want. Uh…how much effort does it take to buy pizza? Now, making pizza and dough from scratch is something different, but still doesn’t; obligate you to eat.
Uh… Doesn’t baking the actual cake for the birthday count for anything? If you want to, you can call the partner and tell her that Granny called. Then say that you didn’t mean to offend her and you simply weren’t hungry. Unless the partner is a total witch, I think you will find that Granny is the one with a hornet up her butt and the partner doesn’t care.
Oh, and if it is the partner that cares, that’s one less cake you need to bake next year.” Working-on-it12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Grandma, your son and his partner are not priorities to me. I will not consider their feelings as more important than mine regardless of how YOU personally feel about them.
Her being “offended” over pizza she ordered isn’t my problem. It will never be my problem. I do not care. Please do not bring these kinds of issues to me again. If you do I will hang up on you. I have no interest in coddling them or lighting myself on fire for you or them.”” TashiaNicole1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and what effort is your grandmother talking about? Buying pizza is one of the most low-effort meals you can do! You made a cake from scratch, that shows an incredible amount of care, way more than eating a slice of pizza someone bought does.
Plus I would never be upset if someone didn’t eat the pizza I bought, I’d just say “more for me” and enjoy the extra slice myself, lol. Ignore whatever nonsense they say, you were more than nice enough and if they keep whining I’d suggest not making cakes for them anymore.” ArielxLazarus
20. AITJ For Not Saving Food For My Autistic Brother Who Said He Wasn't Hungry?
“I (17f) have an autistic brother (7m). My brother doesn’t speak a lot and only really speaks when he needs something or doesn’t want something.
He’s also extremely skinny and underweight and doesn’t eat much usually. I also live in a mostly conservative & Christian household, but my personal views differ from my parents.
Recently my dad has been nagging me to cook food for my siblings and ever since I was 11 he has always wanted me to be in the kitchen helping my mom since I’m a woman.
I had a huge fight about this with my parents and my mom took my dad’s side because women are more “nurturing” and when I grow up, I’m supposed to be cooking constantly for my husband (Even though I told them several times that I wouldn’t want to get married) and takeout is a waste of money.
They also mentioned that the man is always the head of the household and the woman is the neck and that’s just how God created them. Besides this, my mom doesn’t pressure me as much as my dad does to come to cook with her.
Today, my mom and my younger sister had to go out because they signed up to clean a church. My mom first made breakfast for all my siblings before she left. My brother was “sad” he didn’t get to go according to my dad even though I thought he looked perfectly fine.
My dad said that I should make something small for my brother to eat, I had no choice because my dad had already promised him I’d make something for him to eat since he didn’t get to go with my mom and younger sister.
There were 4 pieces of bread left I was originally going to eat them with the omelet I prepared. Then because of what my dad said, I was planning on giving 2 of the pieces to him. I asked him if he was hungry and he replied no. So I decided to toast the 4 pieces of bread for myself to eat with my omelet.
After I finished, my dad came in and asked me if I had made something for my brother. I said no due to him not being hungry. Then he asked my brother if he was hungry and he suddenly replied yes. (This was 5-10mins after I’d asked him if he was hungry.) My dad then told me to go and get what I had prepared for him so he could eat that.
I then said that I had eaten it because he had already said no.
My dad asked my brother what he wanted and made that for him. (It only took 2 minutes or less.) Then he proceeded to get mad at me and start yelling at me.
He said that I should’ve just saved the bread for him to eat so that he wouldn’t have to eat rice. I said that he wouldn’t eat what I had prepared but he just continued to yell at me. My dad works 2-3 jobs for my family and because of this, he said he shouldn’t have to do extra work.
I don’t think I’m the jerk because it was just bread and my brother probably wasn’t that hungry since he recently ate and couldn’t even finish his food but my mom agrees with my dad and my younger sister thinks I should’ve saved some food for him just in case.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would say it’s a good idea to prepare food for him in the future whether he says he wants it or not, but if that rule wasn’t already spelled out, you didn’t do anything wrong. I also hate to say that if you’re living in a family with a backward patriarchal mentality, you’re likely to be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of your father’s life over such things.
I’ve had a lot of personal experience with that, and it just never goes away. And I’m a white man, so I can only imagine how much harder it’s been for you. More power to you! You’ll be an adult soon and you’ll be able to pave your own way.” G1Gestalt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m an autistic person who has ARFID and an extremely restrictive diet due to sensory issues. My family was not understanding of this growing up. Like at all. But that aside: You’re not responsible for your siblings, (although awesome if you choose to help out) your family has a ton of misogynistic views they are pushing on you and you need to consider your living situation once you’re old enough.
My family too is religious and conservative and they also pushed these ideals on me along with dressing more feminine and being pretty to attract a partner. All sorts of toxic views. I have lower support needs than your brother it seems but I did have periods of being non-verbal and speaking ASL.
But all this to say: I went low and then no contact when I went away for college. My parents decided to change and open their views a bit more to be a part of my life but I was willing to risk not being a part of theirs for my own sanity.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this.” lending_ear
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m honestly shocked anyone could say otherwise. You should be really proud of yourself that despite growing up in a family with archaic and misogynistic views you’re a progressive and forward-thinking person.
As an autistic person, it really bothers me that your family is trying to force you to do these things for your brother instead of working with him to teach him some basic life skills. Unless he’s unable to walk or make normal movements, it is very easy to teach even the most fundamentally disabled individuals how to get themselves a snack.
I understand he is 7 and that they may work with him more as he gets older, but from the sound of things I’d bet they baby him all the way up until they are too old to care for him or die and then his care will be left to either you, or the state.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Choosing My Fiance Over My Friend's Child In A Hypothetical Scenario?
“A friend of mine started a little discussion with me regarding a real-life event she saw on the news and it eventually turned into one of those ‘would you rather’ scenario games…
She asked me “would you rather save your fiancee or my child in a life or death situation” and I already knew this was going to end badly so I said to her that it’s not a good idea that I answer that. She then proceeds to tell me to “just answer” and it’s not a real situation so my answer doesn’t really matter.
This goes back and forth for a while and I eventually just give in a say “I pick my fiancee” bearing in mind my fiancee is an amazing person, he’s been my rock through so much and he’s the only person I’m extremely close to.
Despite my answer supposedly not being important, my friend blew up at me. She called me heartless, said I must hate kids, how can I pick someone who has already lived a good couple of years over a child who has barely lived. I don’t hate kids, but I can’t imagine life without my partner.
My friend wouldn’t stop and eventually, I had to ask her to leave because she wished something awful on my partner. Honestly, I find these games stupid and they never end well, I was honest in my answer but I also just wanted her to stop asking.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your friend is. Of course you would choose your partner first. We all would. Her child is the most important thing to her, not the world. I would choose my husband first over almost everyone but my OWN children.
She is truly unrealistic. Her child is not your world- just hers. And to make up scenarios like this is just stupid. She has learned to not ask questions she doesn’t want the answer to. She wants her family to have priority over yours. Very unrealistic and borders on narcissism.
Always take your own family first.” crazycatlady45325
Another User Comments:
“Oh people…play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I especially love her pressuring you to answer when you didn’t want to, assuring you your answer doesn’t matter, and then blowing up. Can’t make this up.
NTJ. Those are incredibly complex philosophical questions that humanity has been grappling with for ages and she expects you to choose a person you maybe have a friendly relationship with over the person that’s probably most important to you in your life on the basis of years already lived?
You’re not an AI, your answer makes emotional sense in your situation. Your friend is ridiculous. Would she choose your hypothetical future baby over her child should this question come up again because her child would have already lived longer and your baby would theoretically still have more years to live…so dumb.” Comfortable_Medium83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s human nature to choose the person you have an emotional attachment to. You tried to avoid the discussion knowing it would cause conflict and your friend is a jerk for insisting on an answer and then being upset when you gave the answer most people would give.
My husband and I did discuss early on in the marriage that if one of us had to choose between saving the other one or saving one of our children, we agreed the kids were the priority – but those are our kids! When our kids were little I asked that he not risk his life to save a random stranger unless it was very low risk – being there to help raise our kids was important.
Our kids are essentially grown now and for some reason, the topic came up again last night. My husband pointed out that he’d totally risk his life to save a random kid. I agreed and said there’s a good chance I’d do the same, but we both agreed he’s more likely to die doing such a thing (he has a big heart and he acts without thinking about consequences, whereas I tend to assess risk and try to find safe solutions to problems).
I told him I lift my prohibition on him risking his life in order to save someone else since our kids can make it without us now. But I’d still prefer he stay alive!” pupperoni42
18. AITJ For Tricking My Partner Into Dressing Up For A Movie Date?
“I (18M) told my significant other (17F) to dress formally for a date.
I told her I was going to take her somewhere nice. Instead, as a surprise, I took her to see Minions: The Rise of Gru, like the TikTok trend (the trend is that people dress up in suits to see the movie). I think she will be breaking up with me soon.
I picked her up and she was wearing the dress she wore to homecoming last year, following what I asked. Don’t worry, I was wearing a tuxedo too… I drove her to the theaters without telling her where we were going. When we got there, she stayed and asked me if this was a joke.
When I showed her the tickets, she got very mad at me.
I offered to take her home but she called her mom to pick her up. She didn’t want me to walk her out or anything. I guess she really thought I was taking her to an expensive restaurant or something.
I thought she would have known I was joking considering I don’t make a lot of money and I use it for other things.
My last messages to her were the night of, where I apologized and offered to take her to Chili’s to make up for it.
She didn’t respond and hasn’t texted me for 2 days now.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Had you not asked her to dress formally I would say everyone’s a jerk, but you did. You made her expect fancy, you set yourself up. If you try this again, drop the formal dress, just tell her to dress normally.
Yes, she could have talked to you and not called her mom… But she probably spent hours getting ready for you, picking a dress, fixing her hair, putting on makeup, making sure everything was looking perfect, that’s at least a solid hour’s work if not 2 or 3 hours.
For guys, you take a shower, fix your hair, shave, and throw on a tux and you are basically done, about an hour’s worth. But maybe this was the first time a significant other asked her to dress formally, which would skyrocket the expectations and preparations for her.
Even if you had a history of making jokes like this it would be a hard pill to swallow for many that imagined a romantic restaurant, and instead going to the movies. Nothing wrong with going to the movies, but you told her to dress formally, and she dressed as formally as she could.
And you show up in a tux, furthering the illusion of a fancy/romantic restaurant.
A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing. And she overreacted I think. While I understand her, getting all fancy and dressing formally, putting on nice makeup and all that to end up at the movie theater after imagining a romantic evening with nice food is no one’s first choice, she could have compromised and spoken to you about it instead of just clamming up and calling her mom.
I’m guessing she felt betrayed. And yes, unless her mom talks to her trying to get her to stay I think this relationship is over.” Aururai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hahaha, love the prank, You are definitely not the jerk, Personally, I think it’s silly to punish someone when it was clearly an attempt at fun/joke.
But if you are like me and like to prank people, you might need to find a partner who also likes pranks. My wife and I prank each other all the time. Keep up the good work, pranks are great and make for great memories, as long as no one is harmed, I don’t see the issue with a friendly prank.” markie_doodle
Another User Comments:
“You can’t afford to take her out for a decent meal, but you can afford to rent a tux and spend your money on “other things”? Yeah, no. YTJ. Look, you have the right to spend your money on whatever you want.
But if you’re spending it on everything you want and nothing your significant other wants — and then you pull this bad bait-and-switch on her — then you can’t be surprised if she opts out of the relationship.” cat-lover76
17. AITJ For Insisting My Friend Wear A Seatbelt In My Car?
“We live in a country where there are no laws forcing you to put on a seatbelt if you’re in the backseat of a car. I’m not from here and grew up in a country where there are these laws, plus generally car safety is taken much more seriously where I’m from than it is here.
Anyway, about a month ago I got my first car. I’m a fairly good driver, but I am still new – and to be honest, I’d want everyone to put their belts on even if I was more experienced.
This week, we had a company event (the friend in question recently started at the firm I work at with my recommendation but we’ve been very close friends for 4 years before that) and I’ve been driving us to and from there.
My partner and I were sitting in the front, my friend in the back, and my partner noticed that my friend wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and told him to put one on, knowing how I feel on the topic.
My friend said ‘I don’t wear a seatbelt in the backseat’, I told him to put one on anyway, kind of shocked that he wasn’t wearing one.
Friend repeated that he doesn’t wear one in the back, my partner said “this is our car” and I said “get out, then,” and added that I’m a new driver, and I do not want to risk anything and that if something did happen to him while I was driving I don’t know how I’d live with that.
Friend said to stop so he could get out, I asked are you being serious right now and Friend put on his seatbelt and didn’t talk again for the rest of the drive.
He took a taxi from home to the company dinner the next time but then got into the car (still without having talked in between) after the company dinner for me to drop him home, which I was fine with because, in my opinion, this should have been a small issue and over in 10 mins anyway.
Well, it wasn’t. It’s been 2 days, he’s taken the taxi ever since and hasn’t talked to either me or my partner which is nice and awkward cause we work at the same company and he and I will be on the same team starting this quarter.
Before you vote, I’d also like to add that before this fight I’d been a little moody and exhausted and got fairly mad at him for always being late when we came to pick him up in the mornings to go to the company thing (we usually work from home so being in an office setting feels extra exhausting, the morning traffic is stressful af and we’ve had nothing but back to back meetings for a week).
Also, he’s also told me that when he gets mad at someone he stays mad at them for a very long time and stuff like that and I’ve always said that that’s not the good thing he seems to think it is.
We’ve been through a lot together and I just don’t understand how me forcing him to wear a seatbelt is enough to throw away four years of friendship.
Anyway. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – go online and find safety videos from other countries there was one in the UK that shows what happens when people in the back don’t wear a seatbelt and those in the front it is scary. It seems like it was on TV about five years ago so probably in the last 15-20 years (I have a problem with time) but it was informative and other countries are sure to have something too.
But first and foremost your car, your rules, they don’t like it they can get the heck out, continue being safe.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your car your rules, I would be the same even if it wasn’t mandatory here. Try not to beat yourself up about it, you’re not the one who’s making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be, and if this is his hill he wants to die on, so be it.
At least it won’t be in your car.” reptar_rises
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you are driving a car you are responsible for the lives of every person inside of the car. Making people wear seatbelts is the least that you can do to ensure the safety of everyone in the event that there is an auto accident.
The thing is, if these “so-called friends” are willing to throw away a friendship over this, they were never really friends to begin with and are not the kind of people you want to be friends with.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Contacting My Biological Father's Sisters For Family Medical History?
“I (35f) contacted my biological father (54m) who had no idea I existed. He and his wife decided they would rather not have anything to do with me, and also never want to tell his family about me.
That’s fine. I don’t want anything to do with them at this point either.
One of my reasons for contacting him though was health related. I have had some health concerns pop up in recent years and now it seems like my oldest child (12m) is experiencing some similar health issues.
Both of our doctors told me it might be wise to try and collect a family history, if possible. My biological father did not give me one before he cut contact. He also did not respond to my requests for the information. I know his father and one of his brothers both died relatively young.
He has three sisters. I found them on social media. WIBTJ if I messaged one of them and asked if they could give me a family medical history? I would ask them to be discreet, but obviously have no control over what they do. My husband and sister said I shouldn’t give a darn and should ask for the medical history but I don’t know how I would feel if I asked and she then told other people despite he and his wife never wanting to tell anyone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And as someone who has a previous “secret uncle” that we only found out about when my grandfather died, I strongly encourage you to reach out to them. I’d have never met that uncle if he hadn’t reached out to my great aunts long ago and he’s a pretty cool guy.
And I’m still a bit mad/disappointed he was kept a secret all those years as well as angry for him and what he went through because of it. And I know my mom and her siblings are mad they never got a chance to ask why and get some sort of closure.
The truth has a funny way of coming out eventually. Definitely NTJ, especially for medical issue history needs but even if that wasn’t the case. If he doesn’t want anything to do with you, whatever. He doesn’t have the right to make that decision for the rest of your relatives.” partythyme83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that kind of information might well help your aunts or any cousins you might have as well as yourself. You have given the sperm guy an opportunity to be discreet and just supply the info quietly and simply to you, and he’s rejected it – but that doesn’t negate your need for family history, and he’s old enough to take responsibility for the fallout of that.
If it was your mother getting in touch to find this info while you were an infant and they were both in their teens it might be a different situation but you are all adults who should be expected to have the appropriate coping skills to deal with this.
It might be worth checking in with some of the ancestry/DNA test sites first though, in case any relatives pop out that you could legitimately claim had found you that way rather than the other way around – that way the foolishness of his belief that secrecy is always possible would be exposed in a more simple manner (and you might also get some genetic clues for the health issues too…)” redcore4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh heck no! You’re a person, not a secret! And the information you’re requesting is important to have for obvious reasons. Your bio father could’ve just given you the info and been done with it, but he chose to be a jerk.
Reach out and let the aunt know and it’s on the aunt if SHE chooses to blow up her brother’s life. You are innocent in this. FYI. We found out my uncle had 2 secret children in their 30s and his wife went ballistic and forbade him from having a relationship with them.
But my aunt and sister matched on Ancestry with one of the adult children and reached out and have been in communication with him. We probably would’ve met him by now if he didn’t live several states away. My point being that the aunt may not treat you like your bio dad did and may be willing to keep your communication under wraps.
Take care and good luck getting that info.” SirDidymusTheGreat
15. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Limit His Friendship With A Needy Female Friend?
“My partner (47M) and I (32F) have been together about 6 years now. We own a home and have a really great relationship. He has always had a handful of female friends, which is fine with me. I know most of them personally and consider them my friends too – the others I just haven’t had an opportunity to meet since they live far away etc. It took me some time to feel comfortable with this but I respect his friendships and they’re all nice people.
One of his female friends in particular has become quite needy over the last two years. She has been going through a lot and she leans on my partner for advice and support quite often. She’s my friend too so I occasionally speak with her as well.
They have known each other about as long as I’ve known my partner but I only met her for the first time about three years ago, which I have always thought was strange. It has really started making me uncomfortable because it’s become intrusive in our life together and I guess I also get jealous that they talk all the time about emotions and he’s comforting her.
After an episode of her rampantly texting him the other night while my partner and I were trying to spend time together, I told him it was getting to be too much and he had to cut her behaviors off. She shouldn’t be so dependent on him and she doesn’t respect the boundary that he is with ME and not her.
He seemed kind of baffled by what I was saying but said “he would deal with it”. The fact that he doesn’t seem to get it really annoys me. This isn’t the first time I’ve said something either.
I feel like he should understand what I’m saying about his female friend but instead, I’m left with the feeling that nothing is going to change because he cares about this girl.
AITJ for wanting him to put some distance between them? Should I just respect that they’re friends and she needs his support?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your partner that by responding to her frequent interruptions, he is prioritizing her interests over your time together.
Ask him to put his phone aside or block her calls while you’re spending time together. He can then check any messages or follow up with her at a set time. For example, you should be able to go out to dinner and spend the evening together (or even a full day) without him reading/responding to any messages from her.
He could then take 10 minutes at the end of the night (or even the next day) to follow up with her. if he’s receptive, plan a phone-less, romantic weekend. It may be useful for him to see how she reacts to him not being available to her on an on-demand basis.
If he won’t agree to this, it might be worth talking to him about what he’s getting out of the relationship with this woman. If you haven’t, it may be worth talking to him about how intimate his relationships have been with his various friends and with this woman in particular.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight: You were 26 and he was 41 when you two met. He never told you about this friend until 3-4 years into y’all’s relationship. Not a word about her at all. For two years, you played the third wheel to this relationship with his female friend.
Given that she has other friends, she keeps leaning on your partner as if they’re together. He doesn’t set a boundary with her. Instead, he enjoys being there for her. You get upset because any chance you have to be with your partner gets trampled over by her needing attention.
You tell your partner to cut down on her need for constant attention because it’s starting to affect your relationship with him. Tell me if I left anything out here.” Kitsumekat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ sort of, you seem to be very jealous of this girl.
If you have no reason not to trust him, then why is his relationship with her a bother to you? You are projecting your insecurities onto his and her friendship. I have plenty of male and female friends who bother me a lot for things that their so can’t give them and they don’t come to me for those things expecting a romantic partnership.
All relationships have importance and she is his friend. Your request isn’t entirely unreasonable but it’s up to him to limit how he reacts. He can’t force her not to express herself to him as a friend. He can tell her he is busy, and that’s fine sometimes but it seems you want to limit his contact with her altogether.
Hopefully, you do not put a gap between them in a way that seems like an ultimatum.” stovetopfurball
14. AITJ For Confronting My Grandparents About Their Past Treatment Of My Mum?
“I am a 15-year-old girl and I have always loved my mum’s side of the family. My grandparents were so nice and just overall amazing people. But I am plus-size, and so is my mum.
Mum grew up large and since I was large, my mum told me that her family resented her for being large. My grandfather made her feel horrible, my aunt would tease her and my grandmother did something worse to her. It could be considered abuse.
My mum told me that when she was 11, her mum forced her to only eat chicken and cucumber for 3 months straight. To my grandparents, it was an attempt to lose weight. For my mum, it was a nightmare. After the 3 months, she gained the weight back as if nothing ever happened. My mum said not to make it a big deal as it happened such a long time ago, but I just couldn’t get it out of my head.
The next time I went over to their house, I caused a scene. I screamed at all of my family for doing something so horrible to my mum. My aunt called me and my brother spoiled brats. I told them to screw off and I walked home.
I just finished being grounded.
I feel good because I stood up for my mum, but I feel bad that I went against my mum’s wishes, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But you’re also young. When someone confides in you about abusive behavior and asks you not to mention it, you keep that confidence (unless the abuse is currently happening and then you tell a trusted adult).
You’ve shown your mom you cannot be trusted with stories from her past at this time (fair, you’re a kid). Your grandparents may be jerks but you do not go around throwing people’s abuse stories around for them when they’ve asked you not to. That is their story, not yours.
Choosing to cut contact with them would have been a much better thing to do if that is how you feel. Learn from this experience.” Exact_Roll_4048
Another User Comments:
“I hate to say it, but YTJ here. “I feel good because I stood up for my mum, but I feel bad because I went against my mum’s wishes” – standing up for adult victims of abuse means honoring their wishes first and always.
You did exactly what she asked you not to do. You yelling at your grandparents made you feel good, but it likely made her feel like you violated her trust. Don’t get me wrong – your grandparents are massive jerks and what they did was 100% mistreatment, but your mother is the one that happened to and she deserves your support in dealing with her trauma, not you breaking her trust. You could have encouraged her to confront them herself and offered your support instead.
I would apologize to her and let her know you realize now it was a violation of her trust and you won’t go against her wishes again.” FoodBabyBaby
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you started a fight about something that happened a long time ago.
You said that your family has been overall nice people. So did they force you on a diet? Make fun of you or make you feel shame at any point before your mom confided in you about what happened a long time ago? If they didn’t that makes you a jerk and even if they did, that still makes you a jerk because your mom asked you not to react out of spite.
What they did to her when she was younger makes them jerks. Their heart may have been in the right place, but their actions were inappropriate and wrong. People need to listen to their doctors and follow medically qualified individuals. Still important to make sure you are healthy and happy.” ScaryForestWytch
13. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner Questioned My Desire To Order Food While Upset?
“My (25) partner (35) will always tell me to buy whatever I want and then when I buy something or ask for something he will then have a reaction like I want to spend all his money. Sometimes when we go out and I want to get food I definitely ask him if he wants any, and he will say no, sometimes he will say yes at first then no later.
I will get food for only myself and when we get home he will then ask for a little bite or look at me like he is expecting me to offer him a bite.
Today was really different, I was really feeling sad, homesick, and having cramps he noticed and even saw me crying and asked if I wanted anything.
I told him I’m hungry and I want to eat but I was craving food from my hometown (I live abroad) which we can’t get, so I decided to go online to order food. I told him I wanted to order food, he said okay don’t order anything expensive.
I said okay he should give me a limit so I can order something within the price range. He said a price that was very low which won’t pay for both delivery and the food, that didn’t make me angry it was what he said after that did.
“You don’t want to cook?” He said that after he just saw me cry and asked me what I wanted for dinner.
Mind you, I’m a very good cook and I cook 90% of the time. Because I’m a good cook he doesn’t even take me out to restaurants because in his mind since I’m a good cook I can just do the cooking at home.
The last time he took me to a restaurant I asked for us to go over 2 weeks before we did.
Today was really different because I was really sad and him saying this was not so nice.
So am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Do you have a job or your own source of money? Why do you cook 90% of the time? Nothing about this relationship sounds comfortable like there’s a balance and sharing of power. He’s controlling way too much of your life. As always with the large age gap, no one his age would put up with this.
You shouldn’t either.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Something about this “price limit” thing seems a little sadistic. I’m not saying that it isn’t a good idea to stay within budget, but I doubt that after so many reminders from him, you’re likely to forget not to overspend.
Sounds like sometimes, no matter how much you try to remain within budget, he’s going to guilt trip you about it. Here’s to a time when you’re independent of this difficult cycle. Good luck.” Naive-Salamander5926
Another User Comments:
“Having a period is a very difficult time of the month.
All those hormones and the pain… I understand how you felt. It doesn’t even matter if it was your period or not, you should be able to order whenever you want( if there are no problems with the money), because it is not possible to make everything at home and some recipes might be quite overwhelming.
Especially when you are on your period you might feel sleepy and have no energy at all. Maybe your partner doesn’t really understand what a period does to a woman’s body. Try to explain it to him… Does he really expect you to cook in that condition?
Do what you need to in order to help yourself feel better and worry less about him.” naomidear
12. AITJ For Confronting My Ex About Interfering In Our Adult Daughter's College Choices?
“I (48f) have a daughter M (19f). My ex R (51m) and his wife J (53f) have always been hard on my daughter and have made nasty remarks towards her.
M has been busy the last year as she has started college and works part-time.
I pay most of her expenses, while R has paid for nothing since she started.
The other day, R told M that she couldn’t take a certain class because he didn’t approve of it and wanted her to change it. M said no of course and told her dad that he doesn’t pay for her college, so he doesn’t get a say in her classes.
R went off on M calling her a spoiled brat and told her that he was her father and his word was law.
J backed him up on it and tried to then take M’s car keys and purse.
When she got home and told me what happened, I saw red and called R screaming and asking him where he thought our adult daughter had to listen to him.
He told me that M had to listen to him and not her stepdad (45M).
I just hung up and my ex-in-laws have been calling me a witch for what I said to R. M finds it funny.
So, AITJ for going off on my ex-husband?
Edit: Her classes are just a speech class and intro to economics. M is hoping to become a stockbroker. Which I’m proud of.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your ex has no say in what your daughter wants to study, nevertheless, when he doesn’t even contribute.
She is an adult and she is free to choose. Your ex sounds like a caveman and his wife is brainless for supporting and engaging in such a behavior. What your in-laws say about you, is ridiculous but of course they would back up his cave-baby.
Your reaction was normal and expected. You did the right thing!” Mariposa-2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He objected to a speech and intro to economics course? My God, they’re insane. See I saw on the news a college has introduced a new class on adult entertainment and although they’re the only ones in the US with it thought it might be something like that.
(No one knows what the class entails so I think you need to know that before objecting but I get parents will.) But NO your daughter has brains, ambition, and wants to be a stockbroker. You think he would be bragging to the world.” MaryAnne0601
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My late in-laws were RCC, too, and thought that they could control their children well into adulthood. FIL actually thought that he could prevent his youngest son who was in his mid-twenties, financially independent and married, from studying his Masters degree at a university that FIL had never heard of.
To this day, I am still wondering HOW FIL thought he was going to prevent my husband from attending since we lived in a different state from them to start with and were moving even farther away. Grounding your son when you do not even know where he lives, much less have a key to his place, is a rather quixotic endeavor.” ScarletteMayWest
11. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Cook On Days I Clean?
“Before my (26m) partner (24f) and I decided we were gonna move in together, we had normal discussions about how we’re gonna split the chores and we agreed that if one of us is cleaning/doing the dishes that day, the other one cooks.
I really didn’t think this would be an issue, it’s a very common way to split chores, but she started getting very upset on the days I did the cleaning and was expecting her to cook.
This one specific day I finished vacuuming and went to play FIFA, I was playing for a while and then went downstairs and asked what she was gonna cook for dinner, and she lost it.
I was a little taken aback by her reaction, it’s fine if she didn’t feel like cooking, but she just hates this idea of me expecting her to cook, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m cleaning every day and expecting her to cook every day, I’ve been doing the cooking most days and that’s fine man.
She explained to me her point of view, which is a man should never expect a woman to cook and she also didn’t like how I was playing games while waiting for her to cook, it made her feel like she’s a mom.
I kinda get that, but she’s never expressed that to me before, I keep explaining that I only expect her to cook because it’s something we already discussed before. Obviously, if she doesn’t feel like cooking she can just say it, it’s not a big deal, it’s this whole sexist narrative that is weird to me.
Her whole reaction to this and how she feels about cooking for me is making me confused as heck, I’ve never seen myself as sexist but maybe I’m missing something here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My husband used to do something similar. Whoever didn’t go to the store did laundry.
So he would just start doing laundry at like 6 am on a Sunday so that’s I’d be the one who had to go to the store (we both hate the grocery store). You can’t just tell someone the chore you decided to assign them that day.
You’re also wrong. It’s not whoever doesn’t clean cooks. It’s whoever’s cooks doesn’t clean. Cooking is a decidedly more time-consuming task than dishes or a quick sweep. The dishes are the least you can do after someone cooked you a meal. But you don’t get to decide that today, with a 30-minute warning, she will be cooking a random pantry meal because you think it’s her turn.
It’s not an episode of Chopped. People don’t like being told they have to prepare a meal on demand. For goodness sake come up with a schedule. Or take 30 seconds to ask which she’d prefer or even tell her that this is what you can/will be doing that day.
Maybe you don’t like the division of labor and you want to revisit. Fine. But you handled it in the worst way.” biscuitboi967
Another User Comments:
“I almost can’t believe this is real. No jerks here but EIW (everyone is weird). You know that ‘one person cooks, the other cleans’ means ‘the person who didn’t cook cleans up the mess from cooking’ not ‘the first person who does some cleaning any particular day is exempt from cooking’, right?
Right? (Which is a common chore division because it’s nice to be able to chill after you spent time cooking. It’s also common to do ‘the person who cooks also cleans’ because it sucks to be the tidy cook always having to clean up after the messy cook.) You guys need to plan ahead of time who is going to cook that night.
At the start of the week, or the night before, or that morning at the very latest. Sitting on your behind asking ‘what’s for dinner’ because you already did something useful is a really bad look, even if you’re not a man and your partner is not a woman.
Cooking is a high brainpower activity, so it’s annoying to have it sprung on you.” larksinging
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask her upfront if she wants to cook or wash up & clean. Then if she doesn’t want to cook, you do it. But definitely needs a plan and some more communication.
Do you shop together for the week? That would be a good idea, or plan all meals and shop for them so it’s ready to go. I shared a house with a couple who either cooked or washed up (for just them, we all did our own stuff).
But when it was just him at home for dinner, he’d cook then not wash up his things ‘because he cooked’. I think he expected the fairies to do it. They wouldn’t talk about it! He lives on his own now, wonder how that’s working for him?” OkAd4358
10. AITJ For Telling A Neurodivergent Classmate To Stop Messaging Me Privately?
“There is a girl in most of our classes, let’s call her Kate (22).
Kate is neurodivergent but I don’t know what she was diagnosed with and it’s not my business to know to be honest. Since the first day of the classes, we have had a department group chat on WhatsApp to talk about school and stuff, Kate generally takes our numbers from there and sends us private messages even though we haven’t given our number to her or haven’t talked to her before (I have talked to her once but she followed me around the whole day and it made me uncomfortable because of my social anxiety).
Yesterday, she sent me another message and asked me if I had a driver’s license (she asks this all the time to a lot of people and she asked me this three times before) and other invasive questions out of the blue, marking that we haven’t talked for almost for a year and our relationship barely exists.
That’s why I wrote her a message, it was basically like this: “Kate, you send me this message a lot and I don’t like it, I also don’t like the fact that you take my number from the group to text me, it’s pretty invasive and wrong.
I’m not your friend, please don’t write to me unless there is group work we have assigned together. I’ll not be this calm if you text me again.”
My friends told me that she is not mentally okay, I shouldn’t have said all of these things and I could basically ignore her, I negatively affected someone neurodivergent.
It made me kinda jerk-ish and guilty, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, neurodivergent (autistic) here. She’s 22, not 6, by now if she wasn’t taught how to interact with people and what boundaries are, she’s gonna have more troubles down the line. She’s not free from consequences just because she’s neurodivergent.
You told her to stop firmly but not cruelly. The excuse of she’s neurodivergent is ok when she does something kinda odd and quirky, not when she’s making you uncomfortable and massively crossing boundaries.” The_Death_Flower
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk.
She’s in the wrong but your “I’ll not be this calm again” sounds vaguely threatening and was inappropriate. Something akin to “Please do not contact me again or I’ll block your number and report you to student services for harassment” would’ve sufficed. Also, why have you not already blocked her number if she bothers you so much?
There are plenty of other people in your classes, I’m sure. You don’t have to keep giving Kate this mechanism for contacting you.” ausernamebyany_other
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a similar situation like this happen in a discord I used to mod. A neurodivergent member (20yo) would DM people on our server saying or asking about stuff that would make them really uncomfortable so they came to me for help.
I knew the person was neurodivergent (but I don’t know what specifically) but I had to be firm and let them know they were making members uncomfortable with their messages and to please not DM them unless they had their permission. I tried to be friendly and polite about it but they ended up taking it really hard and deleting their Discord account.
It feels bad, but there’s nothing wrong with informing others of your boundaries in a non-cruel way. We can do our best to show patience and forgiveness, but we don’t have to compromise our comfort or boundaries just because the person is not neurotypical.” Duckington_Wentworth
9. AITJ For Being Skeptical About My Mom's New Engagement?
“My mother has 4 children. Myself (26F) and my 3 older brothers (29, 32 and 33). My mother is 51. She called my two older brothers (29 & 33) and me to tell us that she is engaged. We all guessed it based on her history and were not happy and didn’t react the way she wanted. The next day she messaged us all telling us we ruined her “happy” news and broke her heart.
My mother has always had awful taste in men. I could go on forever. Basically, she’s known this man since January, only one of us siblings has met him in person and my mom is already insisting our children call him “grandpa”.
She has a tendency to abandon us for men and change her entire personality to meet his expectations.
And then wonders why we have boundaries put in place for her seeing the kids and feels like she’s not a part of their or our lives because she chooses not to be. We have no problem with the guy even though we haven’t met him, we have a problem with her previous history and the fact this is a pattern and worrisome for us.
Because if this goes bad we will be left to support her financially, emotionally, etc.
So are my siblings and I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom has a history of bad relationships that you are left to pick up the pieces from.
Tell her you will be happy if this relationship works out for her. The children will not be calling this man grandpa until they have been together for a good length of time and they get to know him properly and build a relationship with him, if he lasts that long.
Your mom has no right to get upset given her history and you owe her nothing more than that.” Various-Bridge-325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Grandpa. I don’t think so. You value your relationships and she needs to learn from her patterns of behavior. Who’s pushing for the engagement?
If it’s him that’s a red flag, if it’s her you know it’s her. It would all depend on how gullible men see her or if she’s the one with issues. A first red flag is I love you too soon, engagements, etc not in all cases but definitely if she has a history.
She has no right to include your children in her relationship so soon confusing them. What if they break up in a month or 6 months or even two years? No. You set your boundaries for a reason, the whole point of having them is to protect yourself from trauma and past bad behavior from loved ones.
So stand your ground. Don’t be rude just say you’re happy. Demand your number one rule is she can’t dictate who your children call who. You’re happy for them to call him by his first name. That is very respectful and normal. You want to give it time before you celebrate with her due to her past and she needs to take that comfortably as that’s fair.
You’re not making it up. You’re happy to be civil and meet him and gather and just give it time. Tell her every other time she rushed it didn’t work out and she needs to see for herself too more importantly. She’s allowed to enjoy the honeymoon stage of her relationship, make that clear but don’t drag you guys into it.
And don’t guilt you all too.” Latter_Let_5047
Another User Comments:
“I find it hard to judge based on the info. Did you congratulate her but just not enthusiastic enough? Then NTJ. Or did you tell her off and give her a lot of unasked opinions and advice?
In that case YTJ. It is great you have your own boundaries in place and your skepticism is completely understandable. But she has the right to live her own life without judgment from you as well.” -Pippi-
8. AITJ For Selling My Neighbor's Undervalued Bike For A Profit?
“A couple of years ago I bought an electric mountain bike from my neighbor for £700 (way undervalued at the time) but that’s what he said he thought it was worth so who am I to argue for getting a bargain?
Fast forward 2 years. I got loads of use out of it and decided I wanted to upgrade so bought a new 2022 model.
Having no use for my old one I decided to take advantage of the UK’s current supply issues on Ebikes and took a cheeky gamble and advertised it for £2k. A couple of days later my neighbor messaged me asking if I was selling the bike, to which I replied I’ve sold it and a new one is arriving tomorrow.
He didn’t reply and since then he hasn’t spoke to me and is dodging me like the plague.
So question at hand..am I a jerk for selling it for more than I bought it for and making a good profit (got £1700 for it) to which I put the money towards paying off my new bike.
I can tell he feels like I’ve mugged him off but at the end of the day he was the one who sold it to me for way under its value, and I wasn’t written into a contract that I had to consult him first and sell it for the same price.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I understand his point of view, especially if he gave you the initial bargain price because you are a neighbor. We bought a used car with good gas mileage at a bargain price just before the gas shortages of the 1974 hit (yes, I’m old).
After about six months we decided we didn’t need it, sold it for a profit, and split the profit with him. I wouldn’t look to your neighbor for any bargains in the future.” MontanaPurpleMtns
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you bought a house under-value and turned around and sold it for a nice profit, WYBTJ?
No. It’s up to the seller to determine the proper value of an item and sell it for what it’s worth and if they don’t do their due diligence then that’s on them. How could you know whether or not they’re not trying to make a quick buck and are willing to sell something for less than its value in order to get money as fast as possible?
Your neighbor has no right to be upset. They chose the price to sell the bike at. If they didn’t price it correctly, that’s their own fault.” kmcDoesItBetter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look at it this way, you bought a house a couple of years ago for £700,000 (from your neighbor).
You lived in it for two years and now the value of the house has risen and you’re selling it for £2M. It’s gained value in that time, that’s not your fault. Also, you didn’t choose the price that your neighbor was selling it at.
And, once he sold it to you it became yours to do with what you please.” WranglerFeisty8274
7. AITJ For Respecting My Estranged Brother's Boundaries And Not Talking To Him On Our Parents' Behalf?
“When my older brother was in high school he got in trouble for bullying another kid. I’m not going to lie, it got pretty bad.
My parents came down hard on him and took away all his electronics and his car and gave them to the kid he bullied and sold a lot of his stuff and his nicer clothes and gave that money to the bullied kid as well.
This went on for over a year until my brother turned 18 and moved out on his birthday.
My brother and I got back in contact a few years ago. He and his wife have welcomed me into their lives and their family but have set some boundaries.
I’m allowed to tell our parents that we’re in contact, that he’s married with three kids, what industry he works in, and the metro area he lives in. I’m not allowed to tell them any details about them or their kids, show our parents any pictures of them and especially not of their kids, and I’m not allowed to pass messages on to them from our parents.
I’ve been fine with these boundaries and keeping our relationships separate. Our parents have been less than happy about this but have been mostly ok. Then a couple weeks ago I had dinner with them and my fiancé and it came up in conversation that we’re not going to be having kids.
Since then my parents have been trying everything to get me to convince my brother to let them have a relationship with his kids, even if he doesn’t want a relationship with them. I’ve been refusing to talk to him and my SIL about it because of their boundaries.
But they’re making me feel awful about it. AITJ for respecting their boundaries and not talking to them on our parents’ behalf?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you are allowed to do is the next time you meet your brother, you can let him know that you are childless, and your parents are desperate to be ‘grandparents’ but you have respected his boundaries and not talked to them at all, nor do you want to pressure him in any way.
You are fine with the situation as it is and see no reason why he should change. That gives him the information that allows him to change his mind if he so desires, but without really applying any pressure. However, the important part of this is that you never let your parents know that you are passing information to your brother.
Because then they will apply more and more pressure on you to do more. So your stance towards your parents has to remain “well that is sad but he doesn’t want contact” until – if ever – your brother changes his mind. The reason I go with NTJ instead of No Jerks Here is that I think the punishment must have felt really harsh for your brother in order for him to cut all contact.
It seems excessive to give away his car, money, etc. Unless this was needed to avoid legal liability, it just seems too much and I understand him wanting nothing to do with his parents after that.” MenchitWolfram
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How appropriate was such an extensive punishment?
How did your brother view his actions then? how does he view them now? How was their relationship before the bullying? How fair do you believe your parents were? It is hard to assess the situation now without knowing if the current situation is the result of a teenager fleeing seriously oppressive and over-reacting parents or an entitled narcissist reacting with fury at being held accountable for their actions.” Fortunate-Luck-3936
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Please be aware that 1) your brother is using you as a shield from his parents – which isn’t fair. 2) You need better boundaries with your parents. No means no. And if they can’t respect these boundaries, you will have to go LC or NC.
They simply MUST leave you out of it. The fact that you are mentally and emotionally wavering over this very clear boundary tells me your parents are emotionally wearing you down. Give them an extremely firm boundary. “Every time you bring up my brother I will immediately end the conversation.
I will walk away, hang up, or ignore further attempts to communicate. Every single time. I don’t care if it’s the middle of dinner or Christmas – I will get up and leave.” And then do that repeatedly until they leave this matter alone. If you bend to their coercion – you will forever lose your relationship with your brother – which would be a shame.” DragonFireLettuce
6. AITJ For Telling My Fiancée Her Family Is Taking Advantage Of Her Financially?
“My (30M) fiancée (29F) called me today saying she had a moral dilemma. Her SIL (50F) had just called her moments before asking for help with SIL’s daughter’s (fiancée’s niece 19F) university tuition. I believe as a loan so they wouldn’t have to pull out any more private ones.
My fiancée, caught off guard, initially offered $100, but SIL said she was looking for more like $2000. When my fiancée heard that number, she said “oh no, I don’t have that much to spare.” SIL then asked, “you don’t have anything in your savings account?” My fiancée thought that was a little intrusive and said all her savings are tied up in her 401k, that she can’t touch it, and finished up the call.
My fiancée comes from a culture that puts a lot of emphasis on family and that may make her feel obligated to help. Financially, we are comfortable for our age. I own a home and still have a mortgage on it, I have no other debt, and I started making 6 figures a year ago.
My fiancée makes around 2/3rds my salary and only has about $3k left to go on her student loans. She also recently won a low 5-figure lawsuit that she told her mother about, but not the amount. I suspect the mother said something to SIL as she called my fiancée and left a message right after SIL did asking for money.
SIL and fiancée’s brother (50M) also own a home, but I have no idea how much they owe on it or how much they make. It’s a decent area similar to ours. They flew internationally for a vacation for my fiancée’s brother’s birthday this past year and still have another interstate vacation planned in a few months.
On top of that, they’ve bought this daughter a BMW as her first car and she is going to university out of state. My thoughts are that they have the money for those luxuries, that the daughter doesn’t have to go to such an expensive university (community college first 2 years then state university is always an option too), and lastly that it’s not even my fiancée’s child so why should she pay anything when we have our own wedding coming up and plans for children ourselves that we’ll need money for.
I reiterated this to my fiancée and added that I felt she was being taken advantage of. AITJ for telling her this or should she have made that decision herself knowing how important family can be for her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I suggest talking about finances before getting married if you haven’t done so.
Share all your finances and debts and also discuss shared accounts (if that’s in the cards) and familial obligations. She should have an idea of what she’s willing to do. I do not think anyone should get married without being transparent about what they expect to be responsible for with their family in the future.
For example, my partner and I were clear that we would both be responsible for our aging parents and being their financial support when they are older. So we have a budget for that in mind knowing we’re both responsible for that in the future.
I don’t want you to be surprised if your fiancee plans to be a piggy bank. I definitely think they’re taking advantage. They made a choice to buy her a BMW and she made a choice to go out of state. FAFSA exists for a reason.
If they won’t make any sacrifices on their end and keep living it up, it isn’t other people’s responsibility to cover their financial gaps.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It sounds like your fiancee may have wanted your opinion if she mentioned it to you?
Maybe she had her mind made up but just wanted confirmation from you that she is doing the right thing. Sounds like SIL doesn’t know how to manage her money. I don’t lend money unless I know the person will pay me back or it won’t hurt me financially if I don’t get paid back.” AggravatingRock9521
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked, and you answered. Done deal. By the way, I think you are spot on and the $200 now will be $2000 or more in the near future. However, as others have said this sort of thing needs to be resolved on how you both handle it when married well before you get married. This is not something that will figure itself out while married. Financial issues are the #1 or 2 reason for divorces.
So before anything else you need to have open and honest conversations on things like this and how finances will be done.” Random-OldGuy
5. AITJ For Sharing The Difficulties Of Having Older Parents With An Expectant Acquaintance?
“I am 34f, my acquaintance in this situation is 42f. She’s been trying to get pregnant for years, and it finally happened. I was so happy for her, I helped plan her baby shower, and have been helping her through things. She’s been bugging me since she found out, asking what it’s like to have an older mother.
My mom was 44 when she had me. I told her it was great and she was no different from other moms, besides her personality. She continued to push, and for 8 months she kept asking.
One day I had a migraine and asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t, and I unleashed. I said “fine I’ll tell you, it kinda sucked. I wouldn’t trade my mom for anything, but when I was 2, she went into menopause until I was 14.
She’s always a hothead, but spending your formative years exposed to explosive anger for doing nothing but breathing too loud, sucked. Not being allowed to bring friends over because she couldn’t tolerate other kids because mood swings sucked, not being allowed to go anywhere because she couldn’t drive you because she was exhausted, sucked. Then when I became 18, she was in her 60s.
She began to slowly develop Alzheimer’s so instead of making friends and having fun in college I spent from 18-34 caring for my parents, I still do, but was able to move. While a lot of this is genetic, people don’t think about their children having to care for them in their 20s and it’s really bad.”
I finished by telling her some people have no issues, but these were what I went through. I wouldn’t change anything, but she should be aware and have things put in place so her kid doesn’t have to spend its young adult life caring for her.
I said had my parents had something in place, it wouldn’t have been that bad. I was called a jerk by her husband for saying this, he said I should have said it wasn’t any different from other parents. AITJ? I know I sound spoiled for complaining about caring for them and I’m sorry.”
Another User Comments:
“She pushed and pushed. Your story isn’t too dissimilar to my own – except it was my dad who died in my 20s and I’ve been responsible for my mother ever since. And now she’s 96 and has bad dementia. I should be planning my retirement and instead, I am making sure the facility she lives in is good and waiting for the phone call to tell me she has either passed away or fallen badly and is hospitalized and now needs a higher level of care.
It sucks. My brother is about 18 years older than me – and that makes HIM an old man. Even if he didn’t have a terrible personality it would still be unreasonable to expect him to be caring for her at this point. My opinion: Older parents have a special obligation to do everything they can to make their child’s life as normal as possible.
The child didn’t choose this! If you don’t want to drive your kids around because you are too tired, make other arrangements. Don’t make it the child’s problem. I could go on and on. NTJ.” AlbanyBarbiedoll
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She really pushed and you finally gave her your truth.
And you did make sure she understood it was only your experience. But clearly, you didn’t want to burden her with your experience, so before it got to this point, I would have asked: “what difference does it make to you?” “what are you prepared to do differently based on my answer?” It’s not like she was going to end the pregnancy if you said it was bad to have an old mom.
She’s not a jerk either. Because she was just worried about this and expressed her worry by looking for reassurance. You say she kept pressing but some people ask again because they want to hear the same reassuring answer again.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She was constantly asking you, you told her to ease up which she didn’t, and you gave her the most honest answer you could provide. Clearly, she was not satisfied with the purely positive feedback you first provided, so maybe hearing the other more realistic side to it will be helpful.
I would also say NTJ, because as someone who works in schools (and works with a lot of older parents as a result) a lot of the things you mentioned are not considered. it is good to have her start thinking about measures and other things to consider.
It maybe could have been delivered in a more gentle way, but you are NTJ. Maybe reach back out to her to smooth things over and apologize for the delivery and reemphasize how you wouldn’t change a thing about having an older parent. It’s clearly something she is insecure about and seeking reassurance for.” shmuckalert
4. AITJ For Being Mad About What My Friend Wore To Prom?
“I (18f) had my senior prom Saturday, and I asked my friend, (18M) to go to prom with me since my partner broke it off in February. My friend does not go to the same school. So, I had one request of my friend if I took them to my prom, and that was that they dress formal like you’re supposed to for prom.
My friend is also very flamboyant and often goes against many societal norms. I do too, but not at school, I believe there is a time and place.
Well, when it came to my prom, my friend decided he would be cosplaying. Cosplay is not formal. He agreed to dress formal. I spent a lot of money on prom, I had professional photos lined up for him and me since it was my last prom.
I’m really upset about this, but he also has a lot going on in his life and I don’t want to cause him to have a breakdown or make him feel as though I don’t accept him as he is by bringing it up and telling him I really didn’t appreciate that he dressed up in cosplay instead of formal wear.
And for more context, he dressed up as Technoblade from DSMP. So WIBTJ if I confront him about how he dressed for my prom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your “friend” (a term I use loosely here) is a massive, selfish, thoughtless jerk and I have no idea how anyone could say otherwise.
It doesn’t matter if he’s “usually flamboyant”. It doesn’t matter if his costume was “sort of formal-ish, kind of”. All of that is beside the point. THIS WASN’T ABOUT HIM, and his entire approach to this was unbelievably, obnoxiously self-absorbed. You invited him to share a really important special occasion in your life, and he completely disregarded your feelings, or how his behavior would affect you.
He didn’t give a crap about you at all. All he cared about was himself. He lied to you, he let you down, and he didn’t even stop to think about you for one second, even though it was YOUR special night. Honestly, he doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.
You are NTJ, but I don’t know why you’re friends with someone who cares this little about your feelings.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is a jerk. If he wasn’t prepared to dress properly he shouldn’t have agreed to it, he could have gotten an invitation from someone else if he wanted to troll the prom.
But how do you even confront someone who clearly doesn’t give a single care about their own reputation? The guy wore cosplay to a high school prom ffs.” the_river_nihil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…you should absolutely let them have it because you were clear on what you wanted and made allowances with the tux or suit arrangements.
Friends help you out. They protect you and support you and don’t shame you or steal your joy. Ask yourself was he being a true friend or a selfish community member? You asked him to not do that to you and I’m sorry it happened. I’m even more sorry you don’t feel safe but I’m proud of you for going anyway and toasting the end of that chapter…also never be afraid to let people know when they crossed your boundaries..a real friend wouldn’t have done that to you so the consequences are him getting chewed up and possibly losing you as a friend.
Sucks to be him….you live, and love, and be true always.” HumbleBasis3603
3. AITJ For Telling My Brother His Divorce Is His Own Fault Due To His Irresponsibility?
“My brother Adam (32M) and SIL Eve (29F) are in the middle of a divorce. Eve is the one who wants the divorce. Adam very much does not, but Eve is determined and has already moved out. I (30F) can’t blame her, because I would have done the same.
The background is that my brother has ADHD and has never been very good at complying with treatment to help with it. He’s one of those people who has an amazing bouncy personality to be friends with, but living with him is a complete nightmare.
I know, because growing up I was always expected to pick up his slack. He doesn’t like to take meds because he doesn’t like the way they feel and therapy has never seemed to help him much.
He and Eve met in college and he was living with our parents up until they got married, so I don’t think she realized just how bad it was until then.
Eve is one of the most chill people I know, but I’ve watched her go from happy and put together to a nervous wreck over their marriage. We’re friends and talk a lot and she confided in me that she feels like the only adult in the house and it’s driving her slowly insane more than once.
They tried marriage counseling but no lasting change. Eve has been in therapy for herself for the last year, but my brother doesn’t see the point.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was her having surgery and my brother completely dropping the ball on helping her while she recovered as she couldn’t get around easily.
Her mother ended up having to fly there to take care of her. She told him that she couldn’t do it anymore and she wanted to have kids, but could never trust him to be a good parent now, so they needed to split. Ever since she moved out, his life has been in complete chaos because she really was the only one doing any of the household management.
I’ve been holding my tongue and trying to be supportive while he cries and complains because I know it’s hard. But I was on the phone with him the other day and he called Eve a jerk for leaving him and making it about kids when she knows how much he wants them.
I just had it. I told him that Eve leaving him was the best move for her own mental health and she was probably right that he’s not responsible enough to be a father right now and may never be at this rate. He needs to take a good look at his life without Eve and ask himself if he’s capable of doing the hard everyday parts of parenting or if he just wants the fun parts while Eve does all the actual work?
He’s furious with me and our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down. Our dad agrees with me (and we have secretly made a pact that we’re keeping Eve in the divorce) but thinks I shouldn’t have kicked the anthill.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is more likely to put the lives of any children he does have in danger than anything else. People who cannot take care of themselves should not have children. Don’t help your mom with anything that has anything to do with your brother.
Let your mom carry the whole burden and when she asks for help tell her no. She’s going to find out that her unconditional love for her baby boy does have an actual limit when she sees that he’ll put her life in danger and not give a darn about it.” SecureWrap9334
Another User Comments:
“Look I have unmedicated ADHD, but not for lack of trying (I tried like 8 different meds) and none worked for me, I maxed out almost all the doses and zip. Fortunately, I am fairly functional without meds. I do have some time blindness but I set lots of alarms, I use a planner for work and all my bills are on autopay.
Finally did that after forgetting to pay my cell bill for three months in a row, surprisingly it was never turned off. Just had one heck of a bill to pay. There are times when I think medication would be helpful, but my body/brain seems to be immune to meds (even painkillers).
I just have to make do. I also have zero desire for children, and knowing I would be a bad parent is part of the reason. NTJ, and I bet your mom is extra mad because she knows he’s going to be moving back in with her.
She probably enjoyed the calmness. And now his chaotic energy will be back tenfold since we have a tendency to go “balls to the wall.” Also, keep an eye open for substance abuse issues in the next while. Most of us who aren’t medicated have a tendency to self-medicate with substances/booze.
Thankfully I never went the route (I just impulse buy stuff).” Equal-Brilliant2640
Another User Comments:
“I’m a 39-year-old woman with ADHD and my life isn’t this much of a trainwreck. If you take your life and relationships seriously, you find ways to manage just like any other adult in this world.
I find it hard to get motivated to do things like clean so I give myself little rewards to motivate myself. I tend to lose track of time so I set alarms. I hate lists and particularly grocery lists so I have a shopping app on my phone and any time I realize I’m out of something I add it to the list right away so I have nothing to manage or try to remember. I clean as I go because finding the motivation to deep clean is a constant struggle. I struggle with impulsiveness so I don’t allow myself to make any big purchases unless I’ve wanted it for at least three months but I do allow myself a lot of small daily purchases like Starbucks to manage those shopping/spending impulses.
Sometimes when I’m writing I’ll skip whole words because I rush through things so I make sure to proofread before I send off anything important. The point is, we work on our issues and we grow. Your brother doesn’t have an ADHD problem, he has an accountability problem.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Not Letting My Father Take My Seat On A Flight?
“I was on a plane with my parents and my sister from NYC to Greece (which is 9 hours). I went to use the bathroom and when I came back my father was lying down taking up his seat and mine. He told me to just go walk around while he slept.
It was a completely booked flight I couldn’t just switch seats so I said “no, I want to try and sleep myself.”
Then he and my sister started guilt-tripping me and kept telling me to just walk around for a while (my mom didn’t care either way).
Notice my sister didn’t offer her seat, he wasn’t working all day he just couldn’t sleep in a single chair and was tired.
AITJ for wanting my own darn chair?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you know your father was being ridiculous. For safety purposes, airlines prefer passengers to be in their seats and properly restrained when possible.
This is important both for keeping the aisles clear in the event of emergencies or for other passengers and if the aircraft experiences rough air or turbulence. Your father was being selfish. Plane seats are tiny, but that’s the trade-off we currently have to make for flying coach (presumably) to a destination instead of taking an alternate form of transportation.
You can always just hit the call button and have the flight attendant make your dad move over, but I can’t promise that won’t make him angry.” aSeaPersonByNight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he sounds very inconsiderate, and the fact that your mum didn’t tell him to pack it in makes her a jerk as well.
Sis – well, she didn’t have to offer her seat to him or you but could have pulled him up on his behavior too. But siblings often like to see the other children mildly inconvenienced so…” BrockJonesPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1. Aircrew HATE when people wander around and hang out in the aisles and galley/lav area.
That is their work space and it’s cramped enough as it is 2. Unexpected turbulence is a real and dangerous thing. Airlines recommend it, but more than that, it is for YOUR safety that you spend most of the flight seated with your seatbelt fastened 3. Airline travel sucks.
You know that saying “intoxicated words are sober thoughts”. Well, the way people act on aircraft is intoxicated words. People show their true colors on aircraft, and guess what? Turns out your family are jerks.” Natural_Garbage7674
1. AITJ For Using Fresh-Cracked Pepper Instead Of Pre-Cracked In My Cooking?
“My sister has this thing where if you mix “high-quality” and “low-quality” ingredients, you’ve “wasted” the former. So if I make a cheap frozen pizza but add some fresh spinach leaves to get a little green, she gets mad and says I should have used frozen spinach, which sounds gross, so no.
One thing that particularly annoys her is when I use fresh-cracked black pepper when cooking hot food because the heat kills the freshness. But I don’t like using the pre-cracked, because it isn’t as strong or as good.
My sister says she gets final say because she buys the groceries, but that’s her deal with Mom for continuing to live at home rent-free even though she’s over 18.
But I hate arguing, so if I make a dish with pepper, I tend not to do it in front of her.
Last night she tried something I made and said it tasted good and rather smugly pointed out that the pre-cracked pepper was just as strong.
I corrected her and said it was fresh pepper. She got mad and stormed out.
Sister thinks I’m the jerk for using good pepper. Mom thinks I’m not the jerk for the pepper, but I am for rubbing it in and not just letting her think what she wanted. Who’s right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and while I’m no food scientist, I’m pretty sure your sister is absolutely wrong about fresh-cracked pepper losing its “freshness” in heat. Most of the cooking videos I see recommend seasoning with freshly ground pepper and kosher salt, and if it killed the freshness, then pre-cracked stuff you find in pepper shakers would do fine and you could save on kitchen space by not needing a pepper mill.” stonesthrowaway24601
Another User Comments:
“This isn’t about this one incident with the pepper on the pizza. It might be better for your sister to pay a set rent and for your mother to buy groceries. You see yourself elevating cheap stuff with a good addition (and there are whole cookbooks about this) Your sister sees the expensive ingredients she bought for the family “wasted” on crap food when the cheaper thing might have sufficed. She feels like she’s watching you throw away her money.
Pre-ground vs. peppercorns aren’t that much different in cost, like using saffron on Kraft macaroni and cheese, so she’s irritated at paying for things that get used in ways she didn’t plan, or unevenly by the people in the household (which makes her a bad choice to buy groceries).
This is why my suggestion is that she pay a fixed cost (rent) and not have the focus of monitoring what gets used by whom for what.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“If she doesn’t like mixing ingredients “classes” (wtf??) then obviously she should only buy high-quality ingredients.
OP you are NTJ, I can’t afford all lavish ingredients so adding some higher qualities to lower-cost food is smart AND makes the food taste better. Frozen pizza does not reduce the freshness of basil or the savory flavor of freshly grated parmesan… those ingredients elevate the dish’s level.
Your sister is silly and being dramatic.” kkfluff
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