People Need Our Moral Compass To Answer Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Ditching A Girls' Trip Since Guys Will Be There?
“Two of my best friends and I are supposedly going on our girls’ trip in three months. One of my female friends (Sarah) is going to get married this year, so we thought it was going to be a nice and cute girls’ trip only three of us (another one is Tammy).
They mean a lot to me, and we have been besties since we were kids in primary school, and now we’re already 24. So we planned this trip because Sarah is going to get married by the end of this year and it’s unlikely for her to travel alone after getting married because of a cultural thing
We have been planning for this Hawaii trip for months, and suddenly this morning, they told me in the group chat that her fiancé and Tammy’s partner are going to come along.
We have traveled for short trips before, and honestly, I don’t really vibe with her fiancé, not because he is mean or cruel, but it’s just I could never be myself when we’re hanging out if there’s her fiancé.
I never expressed my dislike to her fiancé because obviously Sarah is my best friend, and I love her as long as he treats her well.
But, she told me on the group chat that her fiancé is going to tag along, as well as Tammy’s partner.
I am single, and I don’t mind third-wheeling honestly. It is just I feel like it’s not what I signed up for.
So after a while of thinking, I decided to just not go, even after I had bought the ticket which is around $1,000 and nonrefundable.
I typed a long message. I said they still have to go because this trip would be Sarah’s fiance’s first long travel trip, and they’re not going to go on a honeymoon. So this is possibly like their honeymoon/prewed photoshoot trip too.
But they think I’m selfish for not tagging along and they really want me to come because the girls’ trip will still be a girls’ trip as long as the three of us are there.
I explained to them how it is actually not cool to change plans, but I completely understand because she really wants to go there with her man because it’s a long travel trip too, so she doesn’t wanna waste it only for the girls’ trip.
But I think my feelings are valid too. Apart from the fact I don’t really like her fiancé, it is just not right to change the plans, guilt trip me, and expect me to give in and adjust to the plans.
I have tried to explain nicely, but Sarah said something like, “You don’t understand how hard it is for us to be the middle person.”
From the texts, I think they expected me to just go along with the trip and say nothing… but honestly, I do not want it. I really WOULD LOVE TO go, especially with my girls, but you can’t tell me the vibes and DYNAMICS would still be the same with their partners coming along…”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think that you are at fault here at all. You are entitled to all of your feelings. Your friends though… whilst it is not a jerk move to want their partners, it was a jerk move to just do it without talking to you.
If it was me, and my single friend was thinking we were doing the last big hurrah trip as girls and I wanted to bring my partner as did the other girls, I would have the common decency to speak to her and get her feelings and let her know she has a voice and a chance to say no. In that, your friends are massive jerks.
They made a decision and you are expected to tag along all because they wanted it, and have the audacity to gaslight you. Sorry, but your pals are jerks and even more so because they are still trying to pretend they are not.
Totally NTJ for you.
Think you need to start to explore other friendships because they are clearly not in the same place you are. Hope you are able to stand your ground and not be guilted into a crappy holiday to placate people who wouldn’t do it for you.” Trantosawrus
Another User Comments:
“I am mad for you OP, NTJ.
They are the ones being selfish by letting their wants and needs take over a vacation that was planned for all of you. They changed the plans; they deal with the fallout. They need to make peace with the fact that they are getting married/have partners and things unfortunately won’t be the same anymore.
They can’t be. There is no “Middle Person”, they are making a choice to “forsake all others” as they should for their relationships. Once again, their choice.
Don’t waste your money. See if you can change the dates and find another friend to go with at a later date.
If they get nitpicky about it and call you selfish again. Let them know that you stopped caring what they thought about this trip and their feelings connected to it the minute they informed you (not asked you) that their partners were coming because that was the moment they stopped caring about your feelings regarding the trip.
As others have said worse comes to worse don’t waste your money because they lack the common courtesy to respect the intention of the trip. Better yet, let them know you are going, but book your own activities and hotel away from them. Maybe then they will know how it feels to be told something after decisions are made.
Don’t tell them that part until you land unless there’s money involved in sharing a room, but that’s an easy fix, let them know you WILL NOT be staying in a room with them and two men you are not involved with/related to.” ButterscotchThis3271
Another User Comments:
“A similar “girls’ trip” thing happened to me, and I regret not putting my foot down. When people bring their significant others along, it changes the dynamic, and that’s not what you signed up for, especially if you don’t actually like one of the people.
Traveling makes that infinitely worse.
My two friends who brought their men ended up hanging out more with them than with me. When we walked places, I would have to float between the couples. Not a big deal usually, but it sucks when you thought you’d be able to just hang with your girls.
One of them even ditched our group, and the dinner we had planned to go pick her partner up from Narita Airport. I still had fun, but I’m preeeettyyyy sure it would have been more fun with our original plan.
I had a talk with both of them eventually about how not cool that was to change the request last minute and how some of it was my fault for saying ok, but I wanted to think it was going to be ok.
Plus, then you need to find stuff for 5 instead of 3, which is a small but annoying thing. And even if they try, you’ll still be fifth wheeling, which, why would you pay to feel like that?
NTJ, but your friends are jerks. Bravo to you for standing up for yourself and telling them no.” Practical_Usual_8900
13. AITJ For Kicking Out My Mother-In-Law For Bringing A Dog Inside Our Home?
“Long story short, my son was recently diagnosed with asthma. He was always coughing prior to his diagnosis, and it took them years to finally figure out what was going on, and it was only after they had a “dog day” at school where they brought in a local dog shelter for the day and 13 dogs to visit the kids.
My son all of a sudden couldn’t breathe and was rushed home from school by the school nurse. This is completely against protocol, but I’m really close with the school, and the teachers, and they absolutely panicked and just threw him in the vehicle and rushed him home to me.
By the time we got to the ER, his oxygen was at 81 and only got better with breathing treatments. They ran a bunch of tests (chest x-rays, b***d work, lung and oxygen monitoring) and also ran allergy tests a few days later after finding out his episode was when surrounded by a bunch of dogs.
Turns out, he has both asthma and an allergy to dog dander/hair. It caused him to have an asthma attack that day at school.
All of my husband’s family is aware of this as it was close to Thanksgiving when it happened, and we had to cancel having dinner with his family due to them having 6 dogs in the house of the person hosting (SIL).
Now my son is actually gone for the day (with my mom), and we had invited MIL over for a late lunch. She shows up here with her Rottweiler. I didn’t even know at first because she just walks into our home, and I happened to be in the bathroom when she walked in.
So I come out, and the dog wasn’t in the kitchen with my MIL. But after a few minutes, the dog comes out into the kitchen and jumps on me. I asked my MIL why the heck she brought the dog here, and she said, “Well, it’s not like Christopher is home.” I immediately told her to get the heck out.
My husband comes out of his office asking what was going on, and I pointed to the dog and told him his mother was just leaving. She tried to protest, and I told her again to get out of my house.
My husband thinks that while my heart is in the right place, and I have reason to be upset, he also thinks that I overreacted because Christopher won’t even be home for another hour, and we have plenty of time to clean before he arrives.
I truly don’t see it this way. I see it as my MIL is disrespectful of my son’s health condition and no longer should have access to my home or be around my son. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, no, no! You are absolutely NTJ!
A child with a dog allergy so severe that being around dogs induced an asthma attack so severe he has to go to the ER should NEVER have a dog enter their home.
I’d be concerned about a dog owner coming into the house wearing clothes that they have been wearing around the dog because the clothes will also have dander on them.
And absolutely he should never ride in their car.
I don’t think your husband understands what is necessary to remove allergens from a room. It’s not just a quick run of the vacuum cleaner. Just in case anyone else reading may be considering calling you overreacting here, it requires:
1). All fabric/upholstery that can be removed from the room (throw pillows, curtains, stuffed animals, etc,) needs to be removed and laundered.
2). Soft surfaces like fabric-upholstered furniture and carpets must be thoroughly vacuumed with a vacuum that has a HEPA filter. Even then, it is not possible to remove all the allergens without steam cleaning.
3). Hard surfaces – floors, walls, furniture – must be cleaned with wet wipes or cleaning cloths; floors must be mopped. If using reusable cloths, they must be changed frequently to ensure you don’t merely spread the allergens from one surface to another.
4) An air purifier with a HEPA filter that’s rated for allergen reduction (in this case, pet dander, specifically) needs to be run to catch any airborne particles stirred up by cleaning or left by the source of the allergen.
This can take several hours, depending on the air purifies and room size.
You may get some pushback because obviously, you can’t control areas outside of your home. But the difference is, you can leave those places. Your home needs as much as possible to be a place where you and your child can relax and not worry about his asthma being triggered.” Sha-nanegins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be clear, I don’t think you overreacted at all, and I can understand why you were both baffled and angry with the situation. But based on how things happened and what she said, I really don’t know if your MIL is just ignorant, or entirely indifferent, as to how serious things are because of how severe your son’s allergies are (combined with his asthma).
If it’s just ignorance, then it may be worth trying to educate her on the matter. And I think maybe you need to make it clear to your husband as well, perhaps involving him in a conversation with your son’s doctor? It’s not a simple matter of just cleaning up after a dog, and your son absolutely should not have to worry about dealing with allergies in his own home.
But yes, firm boundaries need to be created now to prevent this from happening. And if your MIL or even husband won’t respect those boundaries, there is a much bigger issue here, I’m afraid.” Alarmed_Jellyfish555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but mostly… Medically, there is so much wrong with this post. Asthma doesn’t take years to diagnose.
You go to the doctor, and you have breathing issues, they’ll give you an emergency inhaler immediately even if they don’t run other tests. Maybe even steroids to help out. That’s because not breathing is a medical emergency, and the risks of misdiagnosis of asthma and using an inhaler are nothing compared to literally not breathing.
I don’t know who you were seeing but get a new doctor. They should have seen you the first time he had issues and a persistent cough and scheduled allergy/stress tests that day.
I’m seriously struggling to understand why it took years. A kid chronically coughing?
Like that’s the very first place the mind goes – asthma.
Second, your kid’s school rushing your child to your house rather than the ER is ridiculous. Regardless of it being a favor to you or whatnot.
Not breathing is a MEDICAL EMERGENCY. It can take MINUTES for someone’s airway to close and for them to die untreated from asthma or respiratory issues of any kind.
Minutes. If your kid was experiencing respiratory distress, they could have sent him to the grave by sending him to you first. That was incredibly irresponsible. Even if he wasn’t going into anaphylaxis going a long time with a low oxygen level is dangerous – especially for a child.
Unless I misunderstood the first part of that post?
For all of these reasons above, you are NTJ for being mad at someone being careless enough to potentially exacerbate someone’s breathing issues in their own home. Asthma is more serious than the media and some people make it seem.
Unless we finally figure out a way to bypass the whole “needs oxygen to survive” thing.” bkmerrim
12. AITJ For Calling Someone The Worst Person I've Ever Met?
“I have a group of friends that I’ve known since high school, and currently, we are all back in our hometown due to the holiday and recess at our universities. I’ve been out with them a few times, and one of my friends, Dave, brought a friend of his from his university, Mark.
Mark’s a good-looking guy and has that arrogance of someone who knows they’re good-looking. That’s fine and not my problem. Thing is, he got friendly with us quick enough to tell us things I’d rather not know. Essentially, from what he said, he takes pleasure in going out and making advances exclusively on women who are in relationships, especially married women.
Initially, I thought this was some kind of joke and didn’t care much. However, yesterday, we went out to a bar to get some drinks, and we were having a nice chat and all. That’s when Mark saw a woman with a group of friends who seemed to be tearing up a little.
I don’t know the situation, but it’s not unusual for people to cry in bars when they get intoxicated.
Mark got up from our table like a darned tiger stalking prey and zeroed in on the group. Quickly enough, he was seated beside the crying woman, talking to her.
Thirty minutes later, he comes to us saying he’s gonna bail with her. Here’s the catch, he told us she had a fight with her husband, and he wanted to “swoop in” before it was too late.
I was disgusted by that sentence. I’ll be honest: I freaking hate people who have affairs, but I will never take the blame away from the third party (if they know) as well.
Not only that, but I couldn’t hold myself and told him flat out, he was the worst person I had ever met in my life. Absolutely a parasite.
As you can imagine, things escalated and I went home. Both Mark and Dave are angry, calling me names from jerk to worse things.
My other friends are divided between supporting me and saying I should have kept my thoughts to myself.
I wouldn’t change what I did; however, now I’m considering if I should just have kept my mouth shut like people are saying. Anyway, was I a jerk here, and if so, was I the only one?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mark is an ugly little man and more people need to call him out. I’d be questioning my friendship with any friends telling you that you shouldn’t have said anything – that is encouraging silence about his sick behavior, he is a creep but they actively enable it.
Do you really want to be friends with people who think this is OK on any level?
He is actively finding women whose decision-making ability is altered and who are in vulnerable states physically and emotionally – what a predator in the sickest sense of the word.
If I was forced to hang out with this guy in the club, I would actively make a point to tell that girl’s friends what he is really doing and to stop their friend from going home with him.” Y-Crwydryn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You were right.
Why doesn’t Dave say anything? He’s cool with friends acting like that? Happy to be friends with someone who has such little respect for other people’s relationships? Who actively goes hunting for vulnerable people just to get satisfaction, and massage his ego?
You had the moral fortitude to speak and he didn’t.
If he’s mad at you for that, let him choke on a bag of sticks. Mark too. Along with anyone else who doubts you.” 234562572572
11. AITJ For Changing My Mind About Letting My Friend Use My Photos For Her Business?
“I (23f) have a friend Bethany (31f). She makes clothing for a store in my town. She makes really nice women’s loungewear, like camisoles, baby dolls, bralettes, undergarments, etc.
Three months ago she called to ask a favor. She wants to expand and sell online.
She asked if I’d model her stuff for pictures she could use on the site. I said yes, I’d be happy to help.
I get to her place and I change into her clothes. These are more revealing than her other stuff. Before they were silk or satin with lace, always solid.
This is all lace and thin, transparent fabric. I bring it up, she says that she’s trying new things to widen her market. “Most of your face will be cropped out and we’ll just show you in the clothes.” I agree and we continue.
Afterward, we review the photos.
They’re really good. I don’t think I’ve ever looked that good. Some photos were more revealing than I was prepared for. She said those shots, mainly transparent or wet clothes and “imperfections,” would be removed in editing. She showed me another shoot she did with paid models, and they were fine, so I said okay and left.
She’s been busy setting up everything and we hadn’t spoken, but she finally emailed me the site. The photos are still revealing, if not more so. My face is in them. I’m surprised, but she said it was fine and that she’d replace my photos as new things came out.
She’ll fix it, and I don’t have to model again.
Last night, I walked by the store downtown, and I see a near un-clothed me in the window. I call Bethany to ask what the heck, and she tells me, “The photo is too cute not to use” and that she didn’t put it on the site, but she couldn’t let it go to waste.
She tells me that my feelings are normal but I should be proud of how beautiful I am, she’d do it herself if she could, and sales have spiked in the week since it went up. A WHOLE WEEK.
I’m livid. I tell her no, it’s not okay, and she has to remove all my pictures from everything, including the site.
She says point blank that that’s not how it works. She paid for the pictures, I agreed to this, the contract was implied by me getting my pictures taken, and she could use them if she wanted. I hang up. The guy I’m with says that I’m overreacting, the pictures are great, and that it’s not a bad thing.
I get a text from Bethany later that she’s sorry but I’m being emotional. If I made her take down my pictures it’d ruin her, she’s thousands deep on credit cards into expanding. I’m young, all models feel like this and I need to learn to deal.
I’m not a model, I’m trying to be a working professional. I’m mad but also genuinely conflicted.
AITJ for ruining my friendship and her business because I have cold feet about my pictures being seen?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you were naive about your friend’s intentions.
Apparently, she has done this before. That’s why there’s no written contract and probably no discussion in the texts about cropping out your face or allowing you to have the final say over how and when the photos are used.
Your friend has committed fraud by telling you she would protect your identity, and then blatantly posting the photos with your identity right there in full view.
She has pulled a bait and switch on you.
The best thing to do is consult a lawyer, not only for this situation but for all future situations you may encounter. You need to know the ins and outs of the law when it comes to modeling like this.
You’re learning a painful lesson right now, but hopefully, the lawyer can help you regain control of the photos. Live and learn.” Crazy_Banshee_333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Other replies are focusing on the legality of it and truthfully, you need to talk to a lawyer and you need to ASAP, but I really want to highlight this massive boundary line your friend crossed.
She crapped all over your boundaries and then is trying to manipulate you – cause when you tell someone no and they do the thing you say no to and then blame you? That’s manipulation. (that’s victim blaming.) Please read what you wrote over again, you gave her your boundary many times, she agreed to that boundary, she broke that boundary, and then she blamed you for reacting to her breaking that boundary AND is trying to make it your fault she would have to pay someone to do a thing you did for free but no longer want her to access because she didn’t respect your very clear wishes about it.
Maybe she was a good friend at some point, but this woman is taking advantage of you, and she will do that in the future again because she sees you as someone she can take advantage of. Whatever help she may have given you in the past, well first friendships aren’t transactional but it sounds like you have already helped her model previously, for free, so any “debt” you owe is over, and “owing someone” (you did NOT) doesn’t mean they get to cross your boundaries.
You are allowed to say no at any point, whether the pictures are revealing or not, whether you look good in them or not, whether you have done it for her before or not.
Like, she broke your consent and then told you to grow up when you reacted to it because HER business matters more than a) your consent and b) how those pictures could affect you currently or in the future.
Do you really want someone like that in your life?
(also, that dude is a walking red flag and if you do decide to stick with him – though you really shouldn’t – please never EVER dirty text with him because he will 100% post your personal photos if he gets mad at you.)” qbithelp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she and/or the photographer don’t have a signed model release form, and a contract spelling out exactly what could and couldn’t be done with the photos, she has no right to do anything with your photos. You explicitly stated no face and no see-through.
She is essentially using your likeness without your permission.
You are not the one who ruined this friendship – that’s entirely on Bethany for manipulating you and lying to you.
Don’t hesitate to see an attorney. Bethany was deceitful, she used you, and she doesn’t give a flying freak about how humiliating her deceptive use of your photos is to you.” SirMittensOfTheHill
10. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Get A Job If He Wants To Complain About Finances So Much?
Meanwhile, she’s working not one but THREE jobs to make ends meet!
“My (F48) husband (M48) started a business with his brother a couple of years ago.
Lately, he’s been complaining to me about our finances and “my” spending. Today I had to make a purchase for my new THIRD job (it’ll be reimbursed). It wasn’t a lot.
$70. He asked what it was for, I told him. He asked if I’d checked the credit card which apparently was maxed.
I asked him if he’s even bringing in any salary because I don’t remember the last time I saw a deposit from him. Meanwhile, my full-time job and 1st part-time job pay on opposite weeks.
So I have pay coming in weekly.
Because at the start of his business, he took out a very large sum from our joint account without talking to me about it, hoping I wouldn’t notice, and planned to have it back in “a couple of days” (it’s been a year and a half, at least).
I separated my finances and opened my own account. When my pay comes in, I transfer it into the joint account to cover the mortgage and some bills. When the other pay comes in, I try to keep an “emergency fund,” and I’m using my part-time earnings to pay down my student loans.
I took a THIRD job because it’s still not covering enough.
Today, I found out they are paying one of their workers about $2,000 a WEEK. My husband deposits $1,500-3,000 once every 4-6 weeks as his pay.
I blew my top finding out that his employee is making nearly TWICE what he is making/bringing home.
I told him that he needs to get a part-time job because I have THREE, and he’s still complaining that I’m the one not contributing enough. THREE jobs, none of which pay that badly for the industries (okay, one pays less than it should, but it’s still reasonable).
AITJ for expecting him to provide more than he is? I’m not asking him to close his business but somehow he has to contribute more than maybe $3,000 a month.”
Another User Comments:
“Yikes… on several bikes.
You’ve got several issues here, OP.
Your husband has opened his own accounts.
I’d bet on it. Because “how dare” his wife do that and not let him financially ruin/mistreat her.
Your husband has lied and stolen funds and is now trying to pull some uno reverse nonsense by complaining about YOUR spending habits.
YOU have 3 jobs and can account for most of the income coming into the house, but he’s saying you’re not contributing enough?!
HE is running some business with his brother that seems to be just hemorrhaging finances according to his deposit history.
If they’re paying an employee $2k a week, and your husband and his brother aren’t both making AT LEAST that, they’re either terrible at math and business, or your husband is full of it.
OP, please get a good look at ALL of the finances for your household.
Stop putting funds into the joint accounts; pay your bills from your own account for now.
Check the mail for other bank statements. Check the credit card statements. Look for any post office spending because he might have a PO Box for these other things.
CHECK YOUR CREDIT REPORT IMMEDIATELY! He could have taken out cards in your name.
NTJ, but please start looking into this more.” wreck_of_theHesperus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your husband is. You should put your foot down on his reimbursing you what he took and put your half into your account.
I would struggle to trust him and anything he says after that because he made something that should’ve been an easy conversation and you saying yes or no to if he could borrow your contribution to that account to his new business much worse by just stealing it and not attempting to pay it back but doubling down on checking you for your expenses even though you have 3 jobs and regularly contribute to the household.
I think apart from the joint account you shouldn’t have any shared accounts. I would ask that that joint account be altered, so there’s no overdraft or credit cards attached to it. I’d close all those down on the account, so you both can only spend what’s been placed inside the account by you both.
I say this because you can’t trust him not to put you both in debt for his company or any other whim he has. You have to safeguard yourself and your financial health for the future.
Nothing wrong with requesting he gets a job. You have 3, and his company doesn’t seem to be making enough that he can pay back what he stole or maintain his lifestyle.” A************1
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. I’ve had a few jobs that worked hand in hand with ownership. Let me tell you: they “never take a paycheck” yet seemed to always have enough for some new Prius or multi-million dollar house. Obviously that doesn’t seem to be the case with your husband, but my point is, if you are an owner, there are numerous ways to move the finances, so they can have their cake and eat it too.
Aka, tax evasion.
That might be super paranoid but I’ve seen no less than 4 different owners do that exact thing. They used it to make underpaid employees feel guilty as heck for getting paid anything.
To wrap this around to my point. You should not be the provider of the family when your husband has a business that’s doing any amount of well.
It sounds like he’s paying his employees fairly which honestly is great, but it shouldn’t be bankrupting his significant other or forcing them to support the household on 3 jobs. That’s excessive.
I would be interested if he doesn’t also have another account, or if he just buys everything through his business as an “expense” and lets you take the brunt of the home expenses.” Torianna
9. AITJ For Feeling Unappreciated As A Bridesmaid?
At what point does the bride’s financial responsibility for her big event end and the bridesmaids’ financial obligation kick in?
“My closest friend is getting married in Taormina (Sicily) this August, less than 1 year’s notice for the wedding and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I am starting to feel unappreciated. They are very well off, she doesn’t work currently.
I and a few other bridesmaids are coming from Canada and guests from all around the world.
(My friend is Canadian but currently living in London, where she met her fiance) 200 people have been invited, my little sister was uninvited because they had to cut down on the guest list. Her fiance will not let her invite the standard 10-15% more than they have room for.
They chose a 5-star hotel for the venue. I believed they would be taking care of lodging for the bridal party because of the extravagance and location. They said the hotel wanted to charge them extra to book the whole space so we were instructed to book/pay for our own rooms ourselves from Thursday to Monday.
I found out there will be a Shabbat dinner the Friday eve but the bridal party is NOT invited because there is not enough space. The chef will only cater to 50 people…I brought up that this felt rude and unappreciative to the bride, and she understood and said her fiance did not think it was important for us to attend.
She discussed this with him again and his response was “don’t they know how expensive these dinners are? We’re already providing a rehearsal dinner.”
The bride later said her fiance and his family (he is Britsh/Swedish/German) don’t do Rehearsal dinners. It is not a part of European culture.
Even if it is not a part of his culture, it is HERS. Also, this is a destination wedding where guests have to fly in early, would you not provide a dinner for them?
She then posted that hair and makeup are available for $200 but not provided for.
She is requesting we wear all gold jewelry/shoes.
She does not have an itinerary or any other events planned for the bridal party during the 5-day.
This wedding will cost between $3,7000 and 6,000, along with 1 week of time off work unpaid.
She does not think she should have to provide anything for the bridal party except the wedding day and that the rehearsal dinner is a gift. The bride and groom do not feel it necessary to make the bridal party/guests feel appreciated and give back.
They are also going on a $50,000 safari for part of their honeymoon.
I have been heavily involved in the wedding planning and planned out the whole Bachelorette (her sister is the MOH but avoiding duties). I had no problem with this until she expressed that one of her friends said that the bachelorette location is dirty and untasteful.
She relayed this to me after I had already planned out the trip. I told her this made me feel unappreciated but at the end of the day it is her wedding and she should do what makes her happy. She did apologize and recognize how that had come across.”
Another User Comments:
“Okay, so from what I understand, you are invited to be a bridesmaid. Who pays for the dress/hair/makeup is one issue and I’m not addressing that since I don’t know what is custom in Canada. Rehearsal dinners are an American thing.
Europeans don’t do that at all.
Destination weddings are expensive, and it’s therefore completely understandable if someone declines. Not just because of the cost, but also the time and logistics.
If you do go then it is expected that you pay your own airfare and hotel.
You should however be able to pick your own hotel to suit your budget. The couple does not get to decide that for you unless they pay for it.
There’s no reason for a 5-day stay if it’s a 2-day event, so you may be able to cut it down to 3 days.
Come early on the rehearsal day. Leave the day after the wedding. So 2 nights in a hotel.
There’s no itinerary for the other days. If there had been, then the couple would have to pay for those events and activities. Since there isn’t then you have to pay for the things you want to do and eat.
A location wedding is not an all-inclusive vacation.
You are NTJ if you can not afford this or find it stressful and opt out.” DubiousPeoplePleaser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But maybe my advice is going to be a bit different than everyone else.
I think it is time to take a pragmatic approach.
How important is this friendship to you? I know we don’t like to equate friendship with finances, but really, this is what you need to do. What you need to consider is not just your side but your friend’s side. Will she be someone who will help you in the future?
Is she going to be there for you when you have kids? When you have family problems? Or is she just an acquaintance you knew in college? If she is someone you see as a close friend even 10 years down the road, then it might be worth the cost of this wedding.
But if she is not someone you can rely on, don’t waste your time and savings on this.
This may sound cold, but it is a hard reality. It might be different if you were rich and this wouldn’t affect your personal budget much.
But if it does, you don’t want to be holding a grudge like, I spent all that money on your wedding, and you are never there when I need you.” LongjumpingFly1848
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please don’t go, because if you do, you will be the jerk to yourself.
Tell her you appreciate her wanting you to be there for her happy day. However, your financial situation doesn’t allow you to take a 5-day holiday in Sicily. You understand that if she makes an exception for you, then others might demand the same treatment and you don’t want to put her in that situation.
You’ll help her to the best of your ability and wish her a lifetime of happiness.
Now the part where we don’t tell her: if her sister avoids duties then she definitely should not have been made the MOH. You should get the special treatment if you’re heavily involved in the planning of this wedding.
However, maybe there’s a prenup you don’t know about that prevents her from spending money, so demanding her to do that would be unreasonable of you. Of course, that goes both ways, and it would also be unreasonable of her to ask you to spend a significant amount of money (which you don’t feel comfortable spending) on her special day.
If a year of unemployment would ruin your life, then you certainly don’t have the money to do that (and even if it wouldn’t, asking someone to go on a holiday so you can have a destination wedding is also a jerk move).” arceuspatronus
8. AITJ For Being The Reason My Daughter Hates My Ex-Wife?
“I have a 9-year-old daughter with my ex.
We have a custody agreement, and I pay child support. I’ve never had any issues with it. I pay on time. I want my daughter to have a good life wherever she is, so if the mom asks, I’ll send extra money as well. We’ve never had issues with that.
We have a pretty friendly relationship, and we don’t argue. We’ll be connected in some way forever, so we keep it cordial.
I make a good salary, but I’m no millionaire or anything like that. But my daughter stays with me, so I have things that she’d like here.
I have games and a pool. I don’t really care for swimming, but she enjoys being in a pool. I don’t do anything ridiculous like buy her a pony or make large purchases without consulting her mother. But we go to fun events, and I’ve taken her to Disneyland.
I’ve taken her to see animals. Disneyland was probably the most expensive and big thing, but that isn’t common. I just listen to what she says and do things she enjoys. We make sure that she can’t get away with things here or behave less disciplined depending on what house she is at.
She has to be in bed at a certain time, do school work, do chores, etc. Punishment and rewards are the same no matter where she is.
Her mother has been serious with this guy. They seem to argue a lot and yell at each other.
I haven’t seen it; this is just from what my daughter told me. That is one reason she enjoys being at my house because even if they aren’t yelling at each other, if they are upset, there will be tense energy between them. Also, they never seem to take what she wants into consideration.
This is a problem that I faced when I was with her mother. If we’re driving home and want to stop to get some quick food, she’d never take what our daughter wanted to eat into consideration. I’d always tell her that not every time she has to “win,” but sometimes just deal with eating at a place you don’t like for her.
Our daughter hardly asks for anything; she’s not one of those kids. So the rare times she asks to go out and get a milkshake, I go out and get a milkshake. Her mother says she doesn’t like being at her house and that I am spoiling her.
She keeps bringing up how I took her to Disneyland one time like I do that every week or something. I don’t think taking your kid to a zoo every now and then is spoiling. I asked her if our daughter has said this ever, but I guess she can just tell that she’d rather be at my house.
Our daughter has always been a quiet kid, and her mother knows this. So it’s not hard to just listen to what she says. When she is really interested in something, she’ll speak up about it. If her mentioning she has been watching videos of people drawing things and then later buying her some paper and drawing materials is spoiling, then sure, I’m spoiling her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You sound like a fantastic father. You listen to your daughter and respect some of her requests but clearly are imparting to her that it’s not a “you always get what you want.”
You take her on enriching, pleasant adventures that kids dream of and give her what sounds to be a fantastic childhood with a sensible, reasonable father who seeks to do enjoyable, fun things with their kid.
You care, are interested, and listen to her.
Your ex-wife, however, sounds a lot like she’s just jealous that she can’t provide the same experiences or take her on the same activities and perhaps feels that if your Daughter wants to spend more time with you, it’s because you are “buying” her affection, rather than it being because the environment with your Ex-Wife is actually unpleasant.
You’ve done nothing wrong and you’re doing a magnificent job, keep it up, don’t change, be there for your daughter and enjoy the rewards of your enjoyment of being a good parent, each other’s company, and what sounds to be a wonderful bond into the future.” FeralSquirrels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We went through a similar phase with my daughter. She wanted her dad, too. Not because he’d take her to McDs for shakes. Not because he’d buy her nice things. Not because she had a computer and all the things any nerdy kid would dream of having.
She preferred dad’s because my mom wasn’t there bossing her around. I will also admit I was stressed and yelled a lot back then… I admit this. She understands and even in the moment understands but doesn’t make it right. Your wife is out of line.
My daughter has been to Disney World 3x, and she’s 10. That’s a lot for middle class, but her grandparents paid for everyone. Does she talk about it? Of course. And we never made a core memory that extreme because I couldn’t go anywhere without my mom or having some care for her.
I was housebound, and it sucked for everyone, me most, everyone else had a way out.
Caring about your daughter’s needs and wants and giving that to her is exactly what she needs… LOVE. If they can’t love her enough to even make a fast food stop for her once in a while, what is wrong with them?!
She is a person with opinions, and having such isn’t wrong. Not considering them is.” green_chapstick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being an awesome parent. Keep it up and keep placing your daughter first.
I would also recommend that you start documenting everything you can related to your ex’s household that is affecting your daughter.
Also keep a very, very close eye on what is going on there. Hopefully things will settle down but if not, you may need to revisit the custody agreement if things don’t improve. Or at the very least get your daughter into therapy so that she can develop some coping skills in her other home’s environment.
If you do decide on the therapy route, find one that the courts in your area approve. That way, if your daughter reveals something that needs to be addressed in court, the therapist’s report will go a very long way in helping you/your daughter and will eliminate the need for her to have visits with a court-approved therapist that she hasn’t developed a rapport with previously.
This is why I recommend finding a therapist that is already approved by the courts.” Thisisnotalibrary97
7. AITJ For Making My Husband Wake Up To Deal With Our 18-Month-Old Daughter?
“We typically have a system where we alternate who gets up with our 18-month-old daughter if she wakes overnight so the other can get as much sleep as possible. Of course, if one person has been up for multiple hours and is at their wit’s end we “tap out” when necessary to keep us all sane.
3 nights ago, it was my husband’s turn to get up with her and he was in such a situation – she was seemingly inconsolable for 2+ hours, so I got up to give him a break and got her to sleep about an hour later.
Last night it was my turn, I was up with her for 1hr 15 mins, had just crawled back into bed, and not 5 minutes later she was up again.
Now it was not a brutal overnight wake-up by any stretch but I was tired and a little annoyed that I had JUST gotten back to bed so I asked my husband to get up with her. He did so, but made a snide comment about how “an hour wasn’t that long.”
This morning he told me (calmly and rationally) that he felt it was unfair that I woke him as I hadn’t been up for that long and she wasn’t difficult to deal with.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Look. Are you “in the wrong” here?
Sure. But there’s no possible judgment here except nobody’s the jerk, and I’ll tell you why.
Most of my family has gone through medical school, and as I’ve watched them do it, I’ve noticed something: Third Year of medical school is pretty much useless, except to teach one thing (and one thing only) the only way it can be taught: Be gentle with people, because anyone–including you–can be tortured until they would be tempted to let someone who trusted them die for an hour of sleep.
People you see at their worst aren’t necessarily that way by choice, and fatigue is a surefire way to start chipping away at people’s inhibitions.
There’s no way that the “you” that made that decision is the real “you.” Nor is the version of your husband who made that snide remark the real “him.” Your husband is right that the standard you’re applying to yourself is more lax than the one he’s applying to himself.
This week, he’s pulling more than his weight and picking up your slack. There will be weeks where it’s the other way around, I guarantee it. Tell him he’s right, and that you’re sorry he lost that sleep, but you really love him and his willingness to get up and handle the situation makes you feel loved and cherished, and that you appreciate it.
He doesn’t want a pound of flesh. He doesn’t want you to pay for the hour of sleep you took from him. He wants you to wrap your arms around him, rest your head on his chest, and say, “My hero! Thank you for taking such good care of our family.”
No jerks here. (Okay, all babies are jerks, but it’s not their fault.)” ThoughtfulPoster
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
I think you’re both dealing with the frictions of finding the absolute minimum sleep you can milk – when you are both depleted.
It could turn ugly, I’ve heard.
Good on you for checking yourself, and your husband is hopefully receptive that this is just what it is…
You two will likely battle for that millisecond of sleep, and timing won’t help probably cause your level of tired differs day to day. Sometimes you may manage a 2-3h wake-up, and sometimes 45m kills you.
The baby will be different types of ‘up’ also and some are more draining than others. Mine was happy to keep himself company, I could sleep next to him until he passed out too back then. Some days it’s a fever and you can’t put them down without a huge crying fit, I’ve spent an entire night holding this fragile crying bomb.
Can’t say how many times. It’s always interesting lol.
I’d try focusing on the baby problem as a team. There’s got to be better ways for your child, try them all. It does get better (clearly I have a spawn and am surviving…kinda lol).
Good luck.” mayfeelthis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ strictly for not sticking to your agreement.
Speaking from experience though, I’d advise not worrying about who’s at fault in situations like this. Your child is going to continue to test you and your husband in more and more extreme ways.
You guys need to be a united front. Don’t dwell on things like this too much, both of you will react poorly to situations based on being exhausted (physically and emotionally), so give him the same leniency you’d hope to receive.” DDelirium46
6. AITJ For Repeatedly Snitching On A Co-Worker For Being Late?
Regardless of whether the snitching is justified or not, nobody likes working with a co-worker who can never seem to make it in on time.
“I (f27) work in a company as a salesperson, not much more info needed. There’s currently a vacancy for a promotion which I’m applying for.
The issue I’m having is there’s another coworker (f30-ish) who’s also applying for the position, she has also worked here for longer than me, so I think she might get the job. But she’s very irresponsible, she’s late 3 out of five days. She claims it’s because she has to drive her kid to kindergarten, but sometimes she takes more than 30 minutes to arrive.
HR has already opened a complaint about her. She excuses herself saying she’s a single mother and has to take care of her daughter; however, I think she should hire a nanny or ask someone else to drive her kid around if she can’t because of work.
Yesterday she arrived around half an hour late again. She asked us not to tell our boss, but I did. She got scolded, and apparently, she lost her chance for the promotion. I don’t know when she realized it was me who told our boss or who told her, but now she and some other people are calling me a snitcher.
She told me I’m a witch who only cares about herself and started ranting about how I don’t know how hard it is for her and such.
All of this happened during work hours, so I was thinking of filing another complaint about her for harassment, but I spoke with some friends (they don’t work with me), and they agreed that I shouldn’t because I did act like a jerk, so I’m here to hear some outside points of view.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, yeah your attitude towards her children is oof, but I’m aware receiving a promotion is more job responsibilities.
Just because you have kids doesn’t excuse you to not fulfill your job adequately. And given even HR had been informed prior this is an issue that they are taking seriously to view who’s more deserving of said promotion due to WORK ETHIC.
Whether or not this will hurt OP’s job load is still unfair for others who work consistently and carry their workload as well. Being constantly late is not a good look for employers.
If the woman has such a hard time getting to work on time, she should’ve seen if she could start at a later time.
At a job I had they put my start time 30 minutes later because I had trouble being there 30 minutes before (the original time) and I was rarely late since.
I understand empathizing with the single mother. But if she’s consistently late, she could get fired, and if she gets fired or tried to find another job who’s made aware of her habitual tardiness, her chances of employment dwindle.” lime411_
Another User Comments:
“Oh God. YTJ.
I’m going to be slammed for this, but every time I’ve worked for someone who is 27, it’s been a nightmare. To be fair, I was also a nightmare at 27. There’s something about being 27 that makes people think they know more about the world than everyone around them and that they now deserve to be in charge, taken seriously, in control, are fully grown… etc.
Look, I know you think you’re smart. But being smart in the workplace isn’t just doing the job, it’s your interpersonal relationships that matter when you want to climb the ladder. And you’ve screwed the pooch here. Any organization that rewards your behavior here is one I would stay far, far away from.” alicesheadband
Another User Comments:
“Here is the issue to me. She is a single mom, and that stuff does happen. A little consideration should be taken for that.
Also, some people do have issues getting to places on time. And, it’s not out of laziness or disrespect to the company.
I tend to always run late due to my ADHD which makes getting anywhere SUPER frustrating. I have worked at being much better at this, but sometimes it does kick my butt.
That being said, I do clear it up with my supervisors when I have them (I’m mostly a gig worker, not 9-5, and this helps a lot), beforehand and let them know that I have a tendency to be a few minutes late anywhere between 0-15 minutes.
Now, it’s gotten better than it has been in the past, now is usually within the first 5 minutes. I always make sure my work gets done, I work super hard, and I tend to stay later to make up for the time when I am.
Usually managers in the past have mostly been understanding. In case of emergencies, I call in to let them know anything beyond 15 minutes because those are extenuating circumstances.
All that being said, my point being is, you don’t know what she and upper management have talked about.
She’s obviously been there longer than you which means her being late hasn’t caused a big problem. And if she works hard, I don’t see the issue of her being late because she has a kid, and those are, extenuating circumstances. I do see it as an issue with scheduling if anything.
Perhaps she should be scheduled to come in a little later so it doesn’t cause issues?
Anyway, my point is, you tattled on her to make yourself look better in the eyes of management when you don’t even know if they already talked it out.
How can you be trusted to be team-oriented when you’re just looking out for yourself?
YTJ in this circumstance. If she was also causing problems at work other than just latency, and if this wasn’t just a competitive move to get that position, I wouldn’t take as much of an issue with it.” DrummerRegular3667
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say ESH because it sounds like you snitched on her primarily to take her out of the running for a promotion you want. That being said, I had a co-worker at one point who was constantly late, constantly taking random time off and constantly taking longer lunch breaks than we were allotted always using her kids as an excuse.
It’s unfair to the people who are at work on time doing what needs to be done. My hope would have been that the person/people making the decision on the promotion would know she is regularly late and factored that in, but you can’t change things now.” CJsMom2000
The bigger problem is, you may have removed yourself from consideration for the same reason - nobody likes a snitch, and no one wants to work for one. You're young, too young to have realized that the best way to get ahead in any professional situation is be as close to the perfect employee as possible, and do NOT, under any circumstances, get in anyone else's business. Because I have a newsflash for you - whether you realize it or not, the higher ups who make the promotion decisions are ALWAYS watching - ALWAYS. And I have learned that the best way to promotions and raises is to behave like you're always being watched. Pay attention to improving yourself before you start tattling on someone else. If you had, in this situation, you probably would have gotten the promotion anyway. Now, you've jacked up your chances because you couldn't stop tattling. Grow up.
5. AITJ For Calling Out My Power-Hungry Manager In Front Of Co-Workers?
“I (20F) have been working at a small start-up my dad owns since I was 17, there are two separate departments of about 6 people each.
My boss (38M who I will call Lary) got hired 6 months ago to manage my department which mostly handles customer service and filing, while my dad (50M) manages the other which handles delivery and all the other hands-on work.
The first few months Lary started working with us, he was pretty okay.
He didn’t need much training or introduction and was able to do his job pretty well. Cue last month when we got a large project, it was something a bit out of our range of work but Dad said he’d pick up the slack with his team and all we had to do was normal procedure.
We ended up being swamped with work, I remember most nights my dad and I would stay overnight to make sure things were caught up by the deadline. Now, one of the people on my team, who I’ll call Susie, is kind of a doormat.
She often lets people push things onto her and does things to please others even when she doesn’t have to.
Two weeks ago Susie came to me crying, saying she was working so much her hair was falling out and she couldn’t take it anymore.
This shocked me as we all should’ve had an even workload, save for Lary, who managed on top of his load. Susie then confided in me that Lary had been hitting on her constantly since being hired. Every time she’d turn him down, he’d stack all of his work onto her, threatening he’d have her take the fall for our department not meeting deadlines if she disagreed.
Now this might be where I was the jerk. Instead of going to my dad about this, I went straight to Lary. I began berating him, calling him names I can’t repeat here. I ended it by calling him a deadweight to the company and a pathetic, power-hungry creep.
My dad had me take a couple of days off as he settled the issue at the company. I thought I did nothing wrong but a couple of my male coworkers said I went too far blowing up at him in front of everyone and my dad said that while he understood my frustration, it wasn’t professional for a workplace, and I couldn’t act like that again without punishment, and now I think I took it too far.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
It’s not professional to just insult people in front of everyone, regardless of what they did. The main reason for that is that imagine if you happened to be wrong? If any employee comes and tells you a horror story, will you just publicly scream at the potential offender without investigating it and giving them a chance to explain themselves?
And doing so exposes the victim too, which they may not want.
I kinda blame your father on this, as the most senior person, who allowed this crap to go on for some time. Yeah, he was ignorant of it, but you guys commonly stayed longer to finish things, didn’t you notice Susie was working longer hours while no one else did?
No one else noticed anything weird? Doesn’t he hold 1:1 meetings with employees or something?
PS: advise Susie to go to a doctor, because hair falling is commonly associated with thyroid problems, which are quite commonly triggered by stress. It may not be the case, but again, worth a check, the combo “woman with hair falling during or after high-stress situation” is way too typical.” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you acted so unprofessional, and you would never have gotten away with it if you had not been the boss’s daughter.
First: You did not witness any of Lary’s alleged behavior yourself, you acted on Susie’s words without investigating first.
Second: You should have talked to your dad and let him handle it.
You are not Lary’s superior, but your dad is.
Third: These kinds of things should be discussed in private with the people involved alone. You can’t do this in front of the entire office.
Kudos to you for trying to help Susie, but you handled it so wrong that you are the jerk anyway, and you would have made yourself impossible in any company not owned by your dad.” Imaginary-Fish4277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I have a major gag reflex to everyone acting otherwise because “wah, wah, professionalism.”
Professionalism is a made-up set of arbitrary protocols that people cling to for a misguided sense of stability under the soul-desiccating grip of capitalism. It’s all about protecting the maximization of profit.
Being “professional” is utterly independent of being a good person (or a jerk). And it certainly should never take precedence over the very real, very harmful, and freaking ubiquitous reality of workplace misogyny under patriarchal capitalism.
This is also why HR departments are not your friends: The number of women and nonbinary people I’ve seen ignored, gaslit, reprimanded, and thrown under the bus for reporting their experiences to HR would make anyone with a heart cry.
And it’s precisely because the primary function of the HR department is to protect the profits of the business, NOT the wellbeing of its employees. Funny how they are also the determiners and enforcers of what is “professional”.
You know when you talk about misogyny and some utterly inconsequential man in the room says “well AKSHUALLY” then proceeds to beat you over the brain with sad, antiquated pedantry that completely misses the point?
That’s all the men whining about professionalism in these comments.
Ignore them, they literally aren’t worth your consideration.
NTJ, but you are awesome.” hmmwhatsoeverhere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
BUT – Be sure to use your powers wisely in the future. A few others have said it here, but the proper channels are really the right way to handle it.
You have the privilege of being the boss’s kid, whether you like it or not. In this instance, your influence could have potentially gotten rid of Lary, rather than just humiliate him. Not everyone is the same, but your coworker may not have wanted the whole team to know what was going on.
Hopefully, there’s not a next time, but I would suggest going through proper channels first. This is also a good opportunity to talk with your dad about how to handle something like this. How would he have handled it in your shoes? How would he have handled it if you’d gone to him first?
How does he have to handle it now that you handed Lary his nuts in front of the whole office?
You’re not necessarily wrong for blowing your top; I’m sure it was a sight to behold. Use this as a learning experience though, because this is not likely to be the last time you have to deal with sexism, either directly or indirectly.” SunShinesForMe
4. AITJ For Reminding My Sister-In-Law That She'd Be Nothing Without Her Husband?
“I (32F) am married to Mark (37M) and we are childfree. This will be relevant later on. My husband and I met right before 2020. I did not get a chance to meet his family until the summer of 2021 when we were already engaged. Even though we are different people, my in-laws are really lovely people.
So, Mark’s sister, Ashley (33F), is married to John (47M). They do not have any kids because John doesn’t want anymore and has taken steps to ensure this does not happen after they got together but didn’t tell her. He has 3 kids from his 1st marriage which ended when he met Ashley 6 years ago.
She does not work and relies on her husband for all her expenses which has been a strain on the relationship. She pretends everything is perfect.
My husband and I are both hard workers and savers. We are not cheap, but we budget everything, and we spend money thoughtfully.
We were in very similar financial situations when we met and decided to share finances rather than worry about splitting everything. We go out to dinner once a week and travel 3-4 times a year because we have the means.
Last weekend my in-laws and Ashley along with my family came to our place for the Super Bowl.
My family is close by but Mark’s is a plane ride away so they were staying with us. We live in a high-cost-of-living city in the northeast of the US, so we have a smaller place but we own it. My in-laws took our guest room which doubles as an office, and we put my SIL in our “spare space” which is an oversized closet I use as a “reading room.”
From the moment they arrived on Friday, my SIL was making negative comments about our lifestyle/things. She commented about her not having her own bedroom/bathroom, our building, the view, my clothes (not designer), our travel plans, our lack of children, only having one car instead of 2, the drinks we provided, and the place we picked for dinner.
She pretty much had something negative to say about everything.
It came to a head during halftime when Rihanna was performing. My brother asked which country she was from (because he forgot), and my SIL said St. Maarten, and I laughed and said no, Barbados, then she knows because she and her husband own a home in St Maarten and I wouldn’t know because we don’t travel.
I finally snapped and said she should ask her husband since he is actually the one that owns the home just like everything she has.
This is where I may have been the jerk, I asked her just how ironclad her prenup was (It is very secure and is an issue in their marriage) and then questioned her about her timeline on children.
She got really flustered and then spent the second half of the game in her “room.” The rest of the night was a little awkward but no one said anything to me. I said goodbye to my PIL before I went to work on Monday but my SIL was “still sleeping.” My husband thinks I was a little harsh but that she had it coming and my parents just thought it was out of character for me.
SIL was livid the whole trip home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honey, you were pushed to the limit. We’ve all come across an Ashley and know the type, and I dare say that Ashley’s husband knows too well who he married as well. He traded in his first wife for a younger model but at least had the sense of mind to not give her the keys to the kingdom.
I am of the belief that people can be divided into roughly two camps – those who like to boast about how much they paid for things, and those who celebrate how little they paid for things. Obviously, there is some crossover because those who celebrate our bargains don’t mind treating ourselves or the people we love sometimes, but you get my drift. But it often transpires that the ones who boast about how much they spend/have don’t actually really own much at all.
They spend on credit, the bank owns their house because they remortgage it every few years and is one payment away from foreclosure, and their flashy vehicles are on ruinous credit agreements, the clothes are on store cards, etc. Ashley, as you have reminded her, has very little of her own, even a nice personality.
But she constantly acts as if she is so superior, has better things, better houses, better clothes, better vacations, and so on. She knows the cost of everything, but the value of nothing. She is to be pitied.” No-Bit-1411
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I get it.
SIL’s a jerk. Doesn’t mean you should be too, especially with other people around who are being made uncomfortable by the exchange. Could be her resentment is due to jealousy. You are in control of your life. Unlikely she can say the same. That’s no excuse for her behavior, just saying.” MakingMyWorldSpin
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You overreacted. She seems very difficult.
Also, something I noticed… You seem to know (since you tell in comments) some VERY twisted things in her marriage which doesn’t make me sympathize very much. You all seem to be taking it as a normal thing and just as a gossiping pretext a very weird and controlling situation – probably because you are too engaged in gossiping about her.
Like, you mock her despite noticing the relationship isn’t healthy, then you mock her for her husband lying to her about being able to have children and you mock her again for the PILs paying for her despite admitting that her husband prevents her from using her own credit card… This is weird.
The situation is weird at best. But at worst, you all are supporting a certainly not good person instead of the “definitely irritating, but damaged part regardless” one.
Anyway, not the point here. Overreaction is enough to be as crappy as her in that isolated occasion.
As some comments say, you need to disengage from the situation. Because if you really are a better person, it certainly doesn’t seem so, and maybe you only let your worst part appear in these dynamics.” vivianlight
3. AITJ For Not Allowing Wedding Attendees To Wear Certain Colors?
“We’re having a nontraditional wedding, and the color of my dress became somewhat of a mystery game in which the guests are trying to guess the color.
Their guesses were white, red, and black. We thought that this guessing game was quite funny, and when it was time to send out the invitations (6 months in advance), we decided on a dress code that stated that the event is semi-formal, and the only two colors we don’t want them to wear are white and red. Therefore, they can choose any other color (and before anyone mentions pink and orange: those are okay.
We’re only talking about bright red and bordeaux). In addition: as we’re getting married in March, there’s a big possibility of it still having snow as well, and as all our florals are green, I don’t want there to be a “Christmas-y” vibe.
I got in an argument with our best man’s partner (full disclosure: I don’t like her. I tried multiple times to find any redeeming qualities in her, but it seems we just can’t stand each other) twice: First when she asked me if she could wear a floor-length, white, lace gown and second when she got herself a Bordeaux velvet gown.
At first, I kindly asked her not to wear those dresses as the dress code states, and it would be disrespectful to the other guests who are dressing according to it and to us as hosts.
After a while, she got her partner involved and made him confront me about being unreasonable and that she, as his SO, should hold a “special position” in our wedding and therefore be exempt from the dress code.
I became really stubborn and told them again, that there are multiple other colors available, that it’s not a big deal for her not to wear those two colors and I even offered her one of my dresses or even to sew her the exact same dress in a different color.
They got angry and stormed off.
Am I the jerk here?
Additional Information:
She bought the red dress; she already owned the white one. She’s well in the financial situation to buy a new dress.
I myself offered her to go through my closet and choose a dress (I have a lot of formal and semi-formal dresses).
I even would have made alterations to it to fit her.
In case it matters: We’re paying for everything which includes an open bar and a four-course meal. They don’t pay for anything for the wedding. We don’t have a registry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, it’s common courtesy not to wear white to a wedding that is not your own…so that question was ridiculous from the start (especially lace, what is she trying to do? Look like a bride?). Second, you said no red… That’s also not an unreasonable request. More importantly, you also offered her a compromise.
She has no right to request special treatment on the day of YOUR wedding (not hers) just because she is the best man’s girl! That’s utterly freaking ridiculous in all honesty and speaks volumes to her entitlement.
If I were you, I’d talk to your fiancé since this is his best man, and he should be the one backing you up and taking care of this.
I would also let your fiancé know that if she chooses not to follow the dress code, she will either be uninvited or asked to leave the day of (and I would make sure security or a family member knows this and takes care of it day of, so you don’t have to).
Your day is not about her. End of story. She’s a guest only, and holds no special privileges… regardless of who she’s in a relationship with!
Best of luck! And congratulations on your impending nuptials.” Sweater_Kittens5425
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, if you’re in a Western country, the default position is “don’t wear white unless specifically told it’s ok” – she didn’t need to ask, it’s simply a known fact.
Limiting other colors is fine, particularly since you only requested they not wear one. That’s really easy to accommodate and not uncommon. She might not like it (which is fine, she doesn’t have to), but it’s normal courtesy to abide by it. It’s simply not a big deal.
Where she gets ridiculous is asking for some sort of exception – if she really thinks she holds a “special position” as being the partner of someone in the wedding party (hint: that’s not a special position, at all), then that’s actually MORE reason that she need to adhere to your requests.
Is your maid of honor following your requests? Other bridesmaids? Your mother? Of course they are! Those are people with actual special positions.
You and your partner need to be on the same page on this – she is out of line and needs to stop being a jerk.
What I worry about is that this will have an effect on your partner’s relationship with the best man. I hate to see the best man’s petty and entitled partner come between them, but that very well might be the case here. Hopefully, this doesn’t lead to a strain in your relationship with your partner.” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, it’s your wedding, not theirs. I’m not overly familiar with Western wedding traditions but I’m pretty sure it is not uncommon for the couple to set a dress code that everyone follows. That sounds pretty normal.
Second, it isn’t like you made last-minute demands that the best man’s partner choose a different dress on the morning of the wedding. I think you’re being very reasonable and going above and beyond by offering to help her pick a dress.
Third, Christ that best man is a jerk. The wedding is about you and your fiancé, and he is making it about himself. That is some entitled crap right there and if my best man said that to my fiancée I’d be reconsidering having him as my best man.
OP I think you did nothing wrong. Maybe your dress code is a tad on the strict side for me (like with the no red), but it’s your right to have it that way and I think you were being extra reasonable to accommodate best man’s girl.” Udy_Kumra
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the red dress ban. Why do you care what your guests wear? It’s just a color.
Now, she’s the jerk for wanting to wear a white lace gown to a wedding. It’s so obviously wrong, and she’s being an attention hog.
But I think in the end this is such a trivial issue to be having. Let people wear whatever color dress they want. I understand the white being an issue because it’s the norm, but red?!” ilovestyrofoam
2. AITJ For Ruining My Brother's Life After Adopting Him?
“When I (31M) was 15, my parents had my younger brother Alex, and about 8 months after that, they passed away in a car accident while I was at home babysitting my brother. Lived with my grandparents until I was 18, moved out, adopted my brother, and started a job.
I slowly began to really hate my job. I had always been interested in the sciences, and since a young age, I wanted to be a scientist. On top of that, most of my friends had moved on with their lives, and my life was becoming extremely boring and kinda depressing.
So at the age of 29, I decided to enroll in college. Unfortunately, my home province has a very limited selection of programs, so knowing that I wanted to get a science degree, we moved to Ontario, so I could attend college there. Alex (14) was not happy.
Now in our second-year wave, we both have been able to form new friend groups. I had plans with mine last weekend to go out for the night. At around 11 pm, I get a phone call from one of our neighbors saying there was a large group of people at my house, along with extremely loud music.
First big planned night out, and I didn’t even make it to midnight. On my way home, I was able to get ahold of Alex, and I told him nothing more than that I was on my way home and would be home in about 20 minutes.
When I saw the house, I was furious. The place looked like a tornado ripped through it, bottles all over the place, essentially every rug was stained and had to be thrown out, several chairs and the coffee table were completely destroyed, and the bathroom looked like somebody had a water balloon fight with pee balloons.
(Replacing everything cost me about $1,100.)
I grounded him for a month, took away his phone, and PlayStation. 3 days in, I decided that he could use his PlayStation, but it would have to be in the living room with me. (I was hoping that he would start playing games with me like we did when he was younger and that we could bond over it.)
He essentially refused to speak to me all week, just coming down eating, and then going back to his room. Yesterday, though, he suddenly became extremely angry at me when I tried talking to him at the dinner table. He started yelling about how I ruined his life, about making him move away from all of his friends, and how now that he’s finally made new ones, I’m not letting him hang out with them.
He told me he hates me and that he wishes I had just put him in an orphanage as a kid because any family would be better than me and that I was just being selfish by adopting him.
I spent the entire night crying, probably even more so than when my parents died. I’m starting to really regret having ever moved here.
I feel like crap for uprooting his life when he was in high school and honestly wish that I had just stayed at my dead-end job. I’m also thinking that maybe he was right about the adoption; maybe it was selfish of me to keep him from having a real family.
So, what do you think about all of this? AITJ for adopting him, making him move, grounding him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is a teenager. Nature made sure kids start to have the desire to become independent the older they get. And when they love their parents very much, they will “hate” them the same when these phases occur.
It’s also the age when testosterone starts kicking in. Relocating and having lost his parents young sure makes him act out more, and you could start family counseling with him to warm him up to the idea of single therapy sessions for him. I guess he could need it to make sure his unconventional upbringing doesn’t lead to issues later in his life (and I guess that’s exactly what you are worried about).
He lost his friends and thought he could make new friends easily by “buying” them with “look, I’m the cool dude with the party house,” but sooner or later, he will see that this behavior attracts the wrong people. But not now. Now, he is 14 wanting to act and be seen as an adult, and you are in the way, so you are enemy number one.
It’s normal and totally fine. The only thing you need to do better is not to backtrack on reasonable punishments because you feel guilty. You do no favor for both of you with this.
If you are looking at him, I bet you still see the cute, little boy.
And he knows this. But he sees himself as a totally mature adult and wants to be treated like this. You can start treating him like a part-time adult (giving him adult responsibilities while still not forgetting he is still a child). Like let him work out a household budget and make him responsible e.g. for grocery shopping within this budget (still take him there but let him do the shopping and paying), and if he learns to manage this (with a few failures like where you have to return the groceries because the card got declined during checkout, and you have to eat ramen for a few days – don’t complain), you can give him more responsibilities.
Best case he grows with the responsibilities.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Parents routinely “ruin” teenagers’ lives by doing what’s best for them. Especially when the teenager gets caught doing something they shouldn’t.
For what it’s worth, the (theoretical) “better” adoptive family he (theoretically) would have gotten had he been put in an orphanage most likely wouldn’t be letting him throw a destructive, loud, boozy party in their home without consequences either!
Would your parents have set consequences for you if you had done that at his age? Very likely, were they still alive, they would have done it for him, and he would be howling at them instead about how they’ve ruined his life.
Teens can be difficult, especially when the hormones first kick in.
They usually start to turn back into fairly rational human beings in a few years, but it’s a rough ride!
Therapy might be appropriate if the behavior escalates or becomes very unsafe. Even though he was very young when your parents died, he had a bond with them, and there’s no way to effectively explain to an infant why his parents have disappeared from his life.
Even though your grandparents and then you stepped in to take care of him, somewhere waaaay down in his mind there might be that baby who is afraid it could happen again.
You called him out on his behavior and set consequences, and now he’s doing the teenager thing of saying the most hurtful thing he can think of.
Congrats, Bro-Dad – you are parenting a teenager! And it sounds like you’re doing a good job. Hugs!” MyInsidesAreAllWrong
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ for not thinking about your brother’s feelings while moving, but things are past that now. It is amazing what you have done so far, so proud of you!
Stay the course, and find another solution for Alex.” Due-Compote-4723
1. AITJ For Meeting My Biological Dad Behind My Parents' Backs?
“I recently turned 18 giving me the legal right of being able to get in contact with my father.
I was conceived through a sperm donation and have known this for most of my life. I have known since the age of 13 that I was going to want to have a go at making a relationship with my father (biological).
However, my parents have always been against this. They have given reasons which are valid points such as that my father may not want to meet me, and I could ruin his life in some ways.
Despite their unsupportiveness, I went and did it anyway and found him on social media.
Of course, I was thinking that anything could happen, but he was one of the nicest people I ever met and proved to me further how much I want a good relationship with him.
To cut a long story short, we decided on a place and time to meet each other and we did.
I was able to be brought back to his house and I met his family, his wife, kids, and brother. He also had a sister that I didn’t get to meet on that occasion.
Upon returning to my home, my parents had sat at the dining table and were waiting for me in silence in an extremely intimidating manner.
They asked the usual, “Where’ve you been?” And “What time do you call this?” Something was fishy from the start, and my suspicions were proved to be correct when my dad said he knew where I had been.
This continued for a few weeks, where I would spend time with him and I even introduced him to my girl and her dog, as the only people that really supported me through this.
My parents’ behavior has become increasingly aggressive towards me and people close to us.
It is really making me question my doing here.
Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is YOUR life. Sometimes in making your life what you want it to be, you won’t be able to make everyone else around you happy, but only YOU have to live your life.
I’ve known since I was ten years old that the man on my birth certificate was my adopted father and that he adopted me when I was two, and he married my mom. I was the result of a one-night stand.
In my early 20s, my mom bought me a DNA test, and I spent years searching for my bio dad with no luck.
Then one day in my early 30s, he popped up. And he was SO excited that I existed. He had no idea. He welcomed me with open arms, he toed the line, and respected my boundaries and didn’t care about all of the sore spots I have with my parents; he just wanted to get to know me and be there for me, and if I was okay with it… he wanted to get to be a grandpa too because he doesn’t have any of those, and I was so excited and I thought the parents who raised me would be too.
But they weren’t. They were hurt. Instead of seeing how excited I was to be learning more about my history and expanding the list of people who care about me, they were bitter and selfish and only worried about their feelings. They’d never considered that this could happen, so they’d never emotionally prepared themselves for that moment, so when I found him and he was nice and welcoming….
they didn’t know how to process the idea that this person might become part of my life. I can see, as a parent, how complicated it must be for them, but also as a parent, I cannot imagine ever making my child feel bad because I feel bad.
Eventually, I told them that they should be happy for me, and if they can’t be happy for me, then they can act like nothing has changed. A year later, my mom completely claims they’ve always been nothing but supportive. -eyeroll-
Live your life for you.
Keep the door open. They love you and they’re afraid of how this will change things. Even if they’re being crappy at communicating their fears.” accidentalhippie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a legal adult making your own decisions. It’s hard for parents to let go and accept that they don’t have control over their kids’ decisions anymore.
Especially if it affects them.
It’s a good thing to get to know your paternal relatives so long as your biological father is okay with that. It’s great to know your ancestry and family medical history from him. Not to mention he is your bio dad and the reason you’re alive.
I can understand why your parents are upset, I’m sure they’re feeling like you’re going to reject your dad for your bio dad. Or maybe even both of them. When people are scared and desperate, they often resort to aggressive behavior and control.
I think it would be beneficial to sit down and have a conversation with them explaining how you feel about them and your bio father and what you want in regards to a relationship with everyone.
I think your dad probably just wants some reassurance that he’s important to you (presuming he is). But also set your boundaries letting them know your intent to continue to build a relationship with your biological paternal family.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“This is tricky.
I’m a sperm donor baby of a heterosexual couple and my Dad is my Dad. I’m grateful to that donor for giving me life but he has nothing to do with me and his other children are not my siblings. I would not want a relationship with him or them if they exist. A part of me would quite like to see a photo to look for similarities but I look a lot like my Mum so it’s not pressing.
Other people feel differently. Other people put a lot of stock in genetics. Other people feel it’s about identity. Those are valid feelings. I also think it’s likely different if you were born to lesbians or a single mother when there is an actual missing male person called Dad.
Also, my dad is great, so I’m certainly not looking for an upgrade. Other people might be.
I personally feel it’s slightly disrespectful to your Dad that you want a relationship with this man beyond, “so that’s who you are.”
I actually found the trailer for Delivery Man quite (for want of a better word) triggering.
Additionally, I worry about men and women being put off from donating sperm or eggs, if it’s likely that some youth is going to track them down in just shy of 20 years when their own lives might be completely different.
They are donating biological material to make other people happy, possibly also for pay in some countries.
They aren’t abandoning children.
So I think you shouldn’t have done it and certainly shouldn’t have been secretive about it. However, I accept you may have had a burning desire to do so that your parents should have at least partially understood and they shouldn’t be mean to you about it apart from expressing initial disappointment in your behavior.
So I’m going to go with ESH.
I also want to say that you were b****y lucky that your sperm donor was so cool about it. He would have been well within his rights to slam the door in your face and I for one wouldn’t have blamed him.” Shanstergoodheart
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for wanting to meet bio dad, but YTJ for the way you’re handling this. They obviously know what’s happening, and they obviously know you’re lying to them every time you come home.
You need to get a serious reality check and decide what you do or don’t want.
This is the kind of thing that kills relationships. I strenuously recommend talking to a family counselor, how to navigate this situation without leaving your parents feeling completely betrayed is way beyond our paygrade.” Andrew5329
Something else is cooking with your parents that they haven't told you. Nothing else makes sense. I would sit them both down and ask them point blank what's going on and why they're behaving so negatively about you meeting your sperm donor, and then just sit and wait. Don't say a word. Let them start talking and don't interrupt for anything. And don't let them get away without answering you. Good luck.
