People Blur The Lines Between Right And Wrong In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“In early July my grandmother passed away. My dad lives in her house. There’s a reverse mortgage on it, with ~$130k owed. It’s currently appraised at $425k. My dad and uncle (who lives in another state) both then own half of the remaining $295k value.

My dad wants me to help save the house by taking out a 30-year fixed mortgage. I’d put the house under my name, then we’d start paying off my uncle’s share. The monthly payments are $2250: $500 on property taxes, $500 in utilities, and $1250 on the reverse mortgage.

If we don’t do this, we’d have to sell the house by next July.

Within 2-3 years he says he’ll be able to make enough money where he could put the house in his name, get a roommate to take over my half of the monthly payments and I’d be completely out of the picture.

Currently, I pay $1900 in rent/utilities. So, I’d be saving $650/month (he says he’ll pay half). Plus, years from now I’d inherit the house. Despite it making more financial sense in the short term, I just don’t want to do this, even if I’d only stay for a few years.

I really like my privacy/independence and where I live. The house is nice and all, and I’d like him to keep it, but I don’t feel ok making these big life changes for something I don’t want to take on.

I net $4200/month and he nets $2000 from work, plus ~$700 in tips as a musician.

The latter has been in the last few months so isn’t on his taxes or anything, so with the $2k he wouldn’t qualify to get a reverse mortgage loan currently.

As we talk about this, he says things like, “Please, I’m begging you son”, or “You know, your uncle lived with our grandfather for a few months to help him out” and things like that.

He also had a drawing I made as a kid where I wrote “I love you mommy and daddy” conveniently on a table. Things like this make me feel like he’s trying to make me feel bad. In the last 15-20 years he’s made some bad choices, such as getting involved with substance abusers and reckless driving.

He’s been better recently though.

Others in my family feel like he’s trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for not doing this, which I don’t necessarily disagree with. But at the same time, I still would like for him to stay in the house, which he grew up in, and all that.

He told me earlier, “You know, if you can’t help me then I don’t know what I’m going to do. I mean I don’t have a plan B”. And one of my grandmother’s last wishes was for me to help him stay there.

I just don’t want to do this, even if I’d only stay for 2-3 years and would cost less than my apartment. He’d get ~$145k if we sold it which is a good portion towards a condo. I’d also inherit years from now, but I still have some fears he’ll make another bad decision that could cause us to lose the house.

Theoretically, my dad and uncle could sell me their shares for $1 and I’d only have to pay off the $130k, but my uncle would want the money for his boys’ college fund.

So, what do you all think? I think he’d feel I’m a bad son.

Would you agree?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, there are so many ways this could go wrong.

You’d be taking on a mortgage for a house that your dad will consider his, but he won’t have any responsibility for it. If he loses his job or spends too much, you’re on the hook for the whole mortgage.

Will he be responsible for repairs? Or will he continue to guilt trip you into paying for all of it? What if you want to move, but you’re still bogged down by this house situation? Plenty of parents emotionally manipulate their kids for their own benefit, so whether he calls you a bad son or not is irrelevant.

Emotional manipulation to get what he wants doesn’t exactly make him a good father.” toe-beans

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is one of those situations where you need to follow your gut. Everyone has family members they know they can’t really trust with big money situations.

As much as you love your father, it seems like you know you can’t really trust him with this and that you’re taking a huge risk with your money and your credit to do this for him. I know it’s hard, but I wouldn’t do it.

Sell the house. This will save you stress and it will save your relationship with your father because if he ends up not keeping up his end of the bargain, you’ll resent him so much and hate yourself for doing something you knew you shouldn’t have done in the first place.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Are you sure your grandmother didn’t take out the loan to help your father get out of the situations he got himself into and now he’s asking you to take out a loan to get him out of another? If you do this make sure the loan is big enough to purchase your uncle’s shares because he at least sees the home as an investment to secure his children’s future by sending them to college while your father’s counting your paychecks and making budgets to secure your future full of debt, anxiety and working over time.

Imagine being gaslit and manipulated into making a financial decision of this kind based on emotion instead of financial common sense by your own father. Once you move into that house you’re never leaving. You’re going to marry and bring your wife there, raise your children there, and take care of your father there, especially if he deviates from the original plan or makes more bad life decisions.

It is better to fall out because you didn’t do something than to fall out because you did. If he loves you more than he loves the house he’ll understand if not then that wasn’t going to change whether you saved the house or not.” Outrageous-Program30