People Contemplate Their Riveting "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friend's Partner At My Baby Shower?
“I’ll call my friend Lucy, and call her partner Joe.
I’ve never met Joe, but he and Lucy have been together a year or so. Lucy is the type who is never single. She is also beyond obsessed with her men, and makes them her personality – if her partner is into hunting, she likes hunting.
If they’re into the gym, she’s into the gym. Etc. Lucy is never without Joe (she goes with him to the barber shop, etc).
Yesterday I had my baby shower. Lucy arrived in tow… with Joe. My baby shower was at an event center and we received RSVPs.
We told the staff we had X people coming, and now it was X+1. Joe was also the only guy in attendance, and I’ve never met him.
I took Lucy aside and told her ‘I’m happy to have you here, but the invite was only for you.’ Lucy said ‘We’re leaving then’ and stormed off.
I got texts from her last night saying I should understand they are a package deal, and it wasn’t a big deal that he came. She said she brought him because she ‘didn’t want to be lonely’ and if I was a true friend, I’d understand.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Was Lucy wrong to bring an uninvited dude to a baby shower? Yes. However, it sounds like you know this girl really well. It sounds like you understand her mindset, and how she operates, and part of being friends with a person is adapting to who they are, accepting & accommodating them.
If you really didn’t want this guy at your shower, knowing Lucy as well as you do you should have reached out to her beforehand, explained the situation, and asked if she’d come solo. Sending the guy home once he’d already arrived was a jerk move.” Deliquate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He wasn’t invited. And he was the only guy there. Traditionally only women are invited. So unless your invitation specified ‘Lucy and Joe’ or ‘Lucy and Guest’ then it’s on them for making a false assumption that he’d be welcome.
You’re there to celebrate your pregnancy and your wee one with those you love and that love you. You don’t know this guy from Adam so he wasn’t there for the purpose of showing you love and support.. he was there because they’re ridiculously attached at the hip.
NTJ. Lucy and Joe are weird. And any relationship that doesn’t have boundaries or personal space is (at best) cringe. If not toxic.” No-Actuary-9388
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say they’ve been together for over a year and they go everywhere together, then why have you not met him yet?
If it’s because you don’t see her regularly then it sounds like she’s not much of a friend, and if she’s not much of a friend I find it reasonable she’d want someone there with her to keep her company. If the only reason you didn’t want him there was because you didn’t want him there then YTJ.
If him being there would really mess up seating/food or anything then I can somewhat see it but still don’t think it’s that big of a problem.” viorio62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Lucy needed that reality check, if she wants her partner to come with her to private events w/o an invite she needs to ask first. She expects you to accommodate her demands anytime, she seems the kind of friend who texts you saying that she needs help immediately and it’s an emergency while you are doing something important, and when you arrive to help it’s just that she and her partner had a minor fight or something.
Dump her.” GoldNShire
20. AITJ For Not Allowing My Partner's Friends To Come Over?
“Last week I found a lump in my neck that may be something sinister. I’ve got some hospital b***d tests on Tuesday and will take it from there.
My partner had invited his friends (a couple) to my house this coming Friday for drinks and dinner… his friends are booking a hotel near mine and I’m having to do a lot of stuff to get the house ready (he doesn’t really help or do anything to improve my flat as he has said before he doesn’t want me to get profit from his work when I come to sell).
I told my partner after finding the lump I’d rather not have people around until I’m in a better state of mind and know a bit more about the lump.
He’s just got off the phone now firming plans with his mate for Friday. I just feel so unsupported. I asked him why has he gone and confirmed plans when I asked him not to and his reply was ‘I’m not going to tell my mate that we can’t do Friday because you might have cancer… and then it turns out you don’t?!’
He’s stormed off and is currently having a fit.
Am I being unreasonable that I don’t particularly feel up for hosting his friends for the evening?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for saying no for ANY reason.
His attitude toward helping you out alone tells you that you are in a one-way relationship here.
His response to the possibility of you being sick just reinforces the fact that he couldn’t care less about you. Hopefully, it’s not something serious (there certainly are more benign explanations for lumps on the neck and for your sake, I hope your answer turns out to be one of them) but the fact is you don’t have an answer right now and that’s a bit scary – and he clearly is making no effort to be supportive.
But ignoring all that for a moment, when he is expecting to use your home and your efforts for HIS personal social life, either he is willing to step up and do the prep work needed, or you have every right to say ‘no’ to playing host, period.
You don’t need to have a serious illness to say no to being used.
YWBTJ to yourself for keeping this guy in your life.” Material-Profit5923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a doormat, Your partner sounds like a complete jerk. He’s using YOUR place for his stuff but says he doesn’t want to make it better in any way so you don’t profit off his work when you sell.
This man is a taker and only cares about himself. Is this the kind of man you want to marry or start a life with? Also, you’re going through a scary time with the lump and he isn’t being supportive whatsoever. OP get out of that relationship.
That man will only suck you dry and leave when anything is inconvenient.” ScarletRoseAngel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and please take this for the wake-up call it is. He would be ANNOYED that you were cancer-free because he had canceled plans for ‘no reason.’ Annoyed. Think about that for a minute.
The biggest scare of your life, and he’s worried he and his friends will be inconvenienced. A caring partner would be focused on you right now, not on his social life.
I’d change the locks and end it now. He doesn’t care about you, I’m so sorry.
Better to face whatever is ahead with your friends and family who care about you, than with someone who will keep making it about himself. He’s already shown you that he will not be a support for you.
Also, please, absolutely do not buy it when he tries to say he’s only acting this way because he’s scared for you.
That’s manipulative crap, and you’re smarter than that.
You can do this. Things like this reveal who are the people you can truly count on, and he is not one of them. You deserve better, so much better than this. Hugs and prayers for good results.” SingleAlfredoFemale
19. AITJ For Having Religious Items In My Room?
“I (21F) got into a coma after a car accident when I was 18. I spent a year in that coma and then spent the next year doing all sorts of therapy to regain my faculties. I am obviously eternally grateful to the doctors and nurses and therapists who saved me.
I have regained most of my facilities, besides writing, my inability to write hasn’t caused many issues.
I used to be an atheist, but after my experiences, I decided there had to be a God out there who saved me when my family was told I wasn’t going to make it.
Once I was able to move around independently, I decided to start shopping around at different places of worship in the city I lived in to see what fit me. I lived at my grandma’s house when I was discharged from the rehab facility, and I used to copy out her bible to practice writing.
She was raised Catholic but grew distant from her faith. When I was in a coma, she became extremely devout and prayed for my health constantly. When she learned that I was interested in religion, she invited me to her church and I’ve been enjoying it and I’ve even started going out with my partner, Ethan (24M), who is a regular at her church.
Rehab has been hard, and my faith has been a source of comfort for me.
Unfortunately, my health caused my grandmother to develop severe anxiety, and it began to affect her heart so I decided that it would be best for me to move out.
I was going to get my own place, but my family thought that wasn’t right for me and my brother Alex (24M) insisted that I move in with him and his partner, Ryan (29M). I know Ryan has religious trauma, so I was hesitant but both Alex and Ryan insisted that they would have no problem with me being religious in their home, as long as I kept all my religious items in my bedroom which was my plan anyway.
When I moved in with them, I wasn’t deadset on conversion but now I am, so I spend a lot of time engaged in private worship and bible study in my bedroom. I’ve also begun to wear a cross necklace which Alex confirmed was fine for me to keep doing around the house.
My partner also gifted me a small shrine for my bedroom that I keep on my nightstand which my brother was cool with.
My brother didn’t run it by his partner because when I came home yesterday, I found my shrine on the living room table.
My brother’s partner was furious and he said that I had gone too far by having it in his house. I said that he said I could keep religious items in my bedroom but he said a shrine was too far and he meant things like a Bible and rosary were fine.
He threw all the pieces in the bin which really upset me, but my brother said he only said it was alright to be nice because he knows what I’ve been through, but I should’ve anticipated his partner’s reaction. I’m just confused because they both said I could keep things in my room, but I do understand that my brain/judgment isn’t at 100% because of my injuries.
His partner is demanding an apology from me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Look, I am as anti-religion as it gets but here you are NTJ at all. Actually, they are the jerks as that’s your bedroom, you do with it and keep whatever you want in it.
And if that would not be enough they explicitly told you that you can keep your religious things in your bedroom. You don’t say things you don’t mean just to be nice because that’s called a lie and they lied to you about your future arrangements when you cautiously asked if they are okay with you practicing your religion in your own room.
I’m sorry and I’m glad you recovered.” Otherwise-Owl7240
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s time to go back to your original plan and find a place of your own to live. It would have been a ‘no jerks here’ situation but you can’t read your brother’s and his partner’s mind and they were not clear on their level of comfort.
It’s okay to be mad but your brother’s partner’s reaction, while understandable if he was clear from the beginning, was not good since you were following the agreed-upon rules. You were being considerate of their situation with the understanding you had agreed.” CapsFan1066
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The guy probably didn’t really want you living there, but your brother and family insisted on you living with someone. Go back to the original plan of moving out on your own. Your brother’s partner violated your personal space, threw away a gift from your partner after saying you could have items in your room, and is demanding an apology.
He even went so far as to remind you that it’s his house, so move out and no apology.
Be careful other things don’t get thrown out or go missing now that the guy is sure your brother will not back you. Just get out of there for your own safety and sanity.” ConfectionExtra7869
18. AITJ For Excluding My Brother From A Family Trip?
“I (f42) recently won a life-changing amount and asked a bunch of friends and family if they would like to come on holiday with us.
I have rented out 10 villas and apartments in a luxury resort. There are about 40 of us going. My brother (Ethan 44) called me and said he was talking to our other brother (Aaron 48) when the subject of the holiday came up and Aaron told him I hadn’t invited him.
The thing is we all used to be pretty close and when Ethan moved abroad, Aaron and I became really close. We would go out at least once a week and call and text often. Then about 6 years ago Aaron met Lucy, after this our contact went to almost zero.
I messaged him about it saying I missed him and how I hate that we didn’t talk and how I enjoyed his company and wanted a relationship. I understood that it wouldn’t be like before but just asked if he could make time for me occasionally.
He went off at me saying how he does have other people he wants to spend time with.
Well, that was that. Since that time we have seen each other at some family events (he often doesn’t attend these) but haven’t really spoken just hellos and goodbyes.
Well, now he asked Ethan to talk to me about letting him and Lucy come away with us. I have paid for everything for everyone and could easily invite him but I don’t want to, he only wants to know now because I have money but my dad & Ethan think I’m being petty because almost every member of our family is going even Aaron’s kids with their partners and Aarons’s grandchild.
They are saying it was a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and leaving him out is worse than him not inviting me for a few drinks as everyone is very excited and it will be a topic of conversation for a long time but I don’t agree. If he didn’t want to hang out with me when I was poor he doesn’t get to change his mind because I am rich.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It’s hilarious how family won’t get involved until someone puts their foot down in a situation. Now, all of a sudden YOU have to be the peacekeeper because your brother wants a free vacation. Sorry, but I feel like, if you weren’t an active part of my life before money, you don’t get to be after.
I get parents who want all their kids together, but that’s not on you. If your brother wasn’t selfish in the first place, it wouldn’t be like this. He doesn’t get to treat you like crap and expect to reap your rewards because you share the same parents.
People can say what they want, but it’s not on you to extend the olive branch in this situation. It’s literally only rewarding bad behavior. I mean, IF you do go ahead and invite him and his family, where will the entitlement end?
If it were me, I would want to know if this relationship could be fixed before I did anything for my brother. (If that’s what you want) You need to know if you’re going to be used. Family or not, no one is entitled to your generosity.
Unfortunately, you’re going to see the true intentions of people around you in what they tell you to do with your finances. Hugs to you, OP, and congratulations on your winnings.” Versailles1977
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. But if you have any concerns about family dynamics with everyone else, and if money’s not an issue, then I might reconsider.
First, it’s telling that Aaron didn’t reach out to you directly. I’d ask Ethan to pass the word along that Aaron is welcome to call you to discuss it. If he does, that gives him a chance to grovel a bit for cutting you out of his life, rather than trying to weasel others into getting involved on his behalf.
If he wants to go, it’s between the two of you and nobody else.
Then if you talk and he wants to go (sounds unlikely that he’d apologize), you could agree to let him come, but with zero expectations that he’ll be anything but a jerk on the trip.
It’ll look terrible for him to accept your generosity while continuing to disrespect you. But you’ll be the bigger person. Maybe that’s not worth it, of course… you’d not be the jerk no matter what. But I have found that sometimes it can be satisfying to be magnanimous and let others just stew in their own pettiness while it rolls off your back.” User
Another User Comments:
“Screw that, NTJ. Get used to people thinking cause you got a life-changing prize you’re supposed to overextend yourself to not look like a jerk. No. If he valued a relationship with you it would’ve come up before now. He just wants to use you for a free trip.
Also if Dad and the other brother give you too much lip about it they can be uninvited too. Don’t let anybody walk over you just because they are family. Family sometimes will treat you worse than any stranger on the street. Congrats on your new riches and enjoy your trip!” User
17. AITJ For Not Waiting For My Late Friend?
“My (16F) friend who we will name Suzie (17F) and I were going to watch Suzume in theatres as it had just come out.
When making plans I asked her if the times were okay and if she would be able to leave at X time and that if she didn’t I wouldn’t wait for her and would just leave to watch the movie without her.
For context, Suzie is always late.
She has no care for other people’s time. And I don’t mean 10-20 minutes late. I mean she will be a whole 2 HOURS late. However, our other friends don’t see it as annoying because ‘it’s just who she is’. Now I do understand that you can’t change people.
However, the amounts of times we have made bookings for a restaurant or arcade or bowling she has always made us late and we usually don’t end up doing our plans that night.
Back to the story: When we were planning to go out I had given a time 15 minutes earlier than what is ideal just so if she was late, we would still have time.
Once again I asked Suzie if she was okay with the times and that I would leave after 15 minutes. She kept saying to stop being so uptight and that the time was perfect. The day arrives and I call her to let her know I am waiting for her.
She says okay and said that she will be ready in 5 and be out in 10. 10 minutes passed and she wasn’t out. I decided to call her again and she says that she will be out in 5 and that she just had to go to the bathroom.
5 minutes had passed again and I decided to call her mom and her mom told me that she was watching Netflix and wasn’t even ready. After talking to her mom for 5 minutes, I decided to leave and watch the movie myself and put my phone on silent.
After I had gotten home, I saw 30 missed calls and like 100 messages berating me and asking why I didn’t wait for her. I had reminded her that I informed her before that if I had waited 15 minutes and she wasn’t out, I would leave. Now some of my friends are calling me a jerk because she really wanted to watch this movie but I made her miss it and if I really wanted to watch the movie with her I should have booked a later time.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend group sounds like they’re falling for the ‘missing stair’ fallacy. Imagine that a house has a staircase with a missing stair, it’s always been like that so everyone just steps over the missing stair. It goes on like that for years, then one day a stranger comes into the house and says, ‘Hey, your staircase has a missing stair.
That’s not safe.’
But the family doesn’t see anything wrong with it because that’s just how the staircase is.
People treat other people like that too, ‘that’s just how she is.’ However, just because someone is perpetually late doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate it.
You don’t have to walk up a staircase with a missing stair.” Much-Pumpkin-3706
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend group is ridiculous to brush off this behavior. It’s incredibly rude and entitled. Some people are just late. If you accept and own that. You accept and own that there are consequences to being late.
You don’t get to ruin a whole group’s (or one person’s) night because you don’t value other people’s time. It also has to be mentioned that she was actively lying to you so she could watch Netflix. Giving you fake info and a clearly inaccurate ETA.
That shows a disrespect deeper than just being bad at time management. That was intentional on her end to call your bluff and power play. Who needs those kind of friends?” Distinct-Practice131
Another User Comments:
“You respected Suzie enough to make the plans, share the plans, double- and triple-check that she was good with the plans, follow up multiple times to make sure she was on the way… and she respected you enough to blow you off, and lie to you about even getting ready.
Jerk move, Suzie.
Your other friends are dead wrong. If you’d have made the plans for later, Suzie would have just done the same thing, only later. Movies start when they start, the theater doesn’t hold them until you decide to show up.
The only way people like Suzie learn to respect others’ time is by missing out.
You did the right thing. NTJ.” baka-tari
16. AITJ For Getting Back At My Son By Comparing Him To Another Kid?
“I (38F) am a single mom to my son, Leo (16M). Ever since he was old enough (around 10 or so), he would make his own lunch or I’d give him money to buy. This school year, however, he told me that he had a new friend ‘Sam’ who’s mom, ‘Linda’ often made lunch for the group.
I thought this was very sweet and reminded him to thank her when he saw her. Leo spends a lot of time at Sam’s house. Sam’s family has a pool, and Linda is always cooking great snacks or meals, etc. I never thought much of it.
Linda is a super sweet woman. She’s just one of those people with a kind, giving spirit. Sam’s also a great kid. When he’s over at our place, he’s always polite and offers to help. I’ve seen him around his parents at events, he talks to them with respect.
I don’t think he’s perfect by any means, but it’s clear his family has a respectful dynamic that works for them.
I admit, I am not one of those moms who cook like Linda. I will make dinner, obviously, but it’s usually pasta or chicken.
Lately, I’ve been buying those meal prep boxes, since they’re so easy. When Leo’s had friends over in the past, I’ve thrown some frozen appetizers in the oven or ordered a couple of pizzas. He’s never seemed to care before. There have been a few times since becoming friends with Sam where he’s asked me to cook something for his friends and sometimes I will, but if I say no, I hear ‘Linda would’.
I’ve shut that down, or I thought I did.
On Saturday, Leo told me he was having some friends over and asked if I could bake cookies. I said we had a couple of packages of Oreos in the cabinets. Leo started on that his friends were going to want chocolate chip cookies.
I pointed out we live right around the corner from a bodega, he can go grab either grab a package or make some cookies himself. Leo then asked what was for dinner and I said I would order pizza. He asked why I couldn’t cook his friends something.
I said I had a long work week and I’m tired. He got an attitude and called me lazy, saying that Linda works too and she manages to make the family what they want.
I told him once again, I’m not Linda, and I won’t pretend to be.
The next part is where I may have screwed up. I asked if Sam ever spoke to Linda the way he just did me. Leo admitted no. I said yeah because Sam respects his mom and appreciates everything she does for him. Clearly, Leo isn’t as appreciative.
Leo walked out of the room and his friends didn’t end up coming over (his choice). He hasn’t said anything to me since.
I was venting about this to a friend and she said I was absolutely wrong for comparing Leo and Sam like that.
She says I got on Leo’s level and made him feel bad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’ll give you a tenuous NTJ. Comparing kids against their friends is a trashy thing to do and it messes them up (as I know from my own experiences) but what you said seems pretty fair in the context of the exchange.
It would be a different ballgame if you were comparing your kid against his friend’s talents or self-expression (clothes, hair), that is never cool.
But you may have come upon a teachable moment. Assuming you aren’t a hypocrite and don’t set impossible standards for your kid (like you don’t get mad if he gets a B on a test), you could talk about it like:
‘Look, I could bake cookies but I’m tired and I want some time just to chill out. You could have gotten an A instead of a B on the algebra test if you had studied all Saturday and Sunday, but I know that school is a full-time job and I don’t expect you to never relax or have fun.
Nobody should be driving themselves to their breaking point just to be as productive as possible, it’s no way to live.'” xyanon36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but kids this age compare themselves a lot to their peers. That’s just how teenagers are. He was comparing the food at Linda’s place to his own and wished for more homecooked food to show off to his friends that his mom is also cool like Sam’s mom.
He’s not old enough to weigh the pros and cons and to be happy with how good he already has it. You, on the other hand, are a mature adult person who knows they have a temperamental teenager. You should’ve used some tact to address this issue.
I’m not calling you a jerk. I can understand how hard it can be being a single mother. But the responsibility falls on you to address such problems in a healthy way. That being said, you need to teach your son to be a little grateful.
He’s clearly acting a little entitled.” jaybloo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your son isn’t 10, he is 16 and old enough to start to understand how the world works. You are a single mum who is doing her best and his words were very unkind. He needs maybe a bit of a reality check, however, I think now’s the time to have a heart-to-heart, tell him you love him, you didn’t mean to hurt him, and that words hurt and it goes both ways.
Explain your situation and that you are doing your best etc and that maybe you don’t make cookies but you do XYZ and love him.
Also if your son wants cookies maybe he needs to learn how to cook, also clean, and do washing while you are at it.
Self sufficiency is invaluable and will show him how hard you work.” DogBreathologist
15. AITJ For Asking My Significant Other To Prioritize Paying Me Back?
“I (21F) have been with my SO (21M) for a year and a half now, and recently he has taken up collecting items as a hobby. Initially, I found his interest in collecting to be cool. However, over time, his collection has become increasingly important to him, and he’s been spending more and more money on it.
While I didn’t have an issue with this at first, it started to bother me when he began experiencing financial difficulties.
We are both college students in the STEM field, and we live at our respective parents’ homes while benefiting from government financial aid. Last semester, my SO failed some classes and had to become a part-time student, which cut him off from government aid.
To help him continue his studies, I paid his semester fees of about $2000 from my own student loan. I don’t mind doing this for him since I trust him to pay me back once he starts working during the summer. We had a conversation about finances, and he was understanding of the situation.
To help him pay for gas and other expenses, we agreed that he should sell some of his collection and keep the items that are most important to him. He did sell a significant portion of his collection, and since then, he has been careful with his spending… until recently.
Lately, my SO has started collecting something new, and he’s been dishonest about the real cost of the items. For instance, he told me that an item costs $40 when it actually costs $200. He’s also been spending more than he agreed to after our previous conversation.
While I don’t want to be controlling, I’m concerned about his spending since he still owes me.
So, I’m wondering: Am I the jerk for asking my SO not to spend money on his collections while he still owes me? I would appreciate your input.”
Antoher User Comments:
“Oh, girl. He’s very financially irresponsible. You need to tell him if he has enough to spend on figurines he has enough to start paying you back. Sit down with him and lay out a plan for him to pay in installments, say $10/week or something.
And let him know he’s not showing you that he values the relationship if he thinks it’s okay to take funds from you and lie about how much he’s spending on frivolous items. The lying is especially unacceptable.
I hope you get some of the money back but honestly, I don’t think the chances are great.
It might not be a terrible idea to mention something to him about what he still owes you in earshot of his parents. Good luck! Oh, and you are definitely NTJ. I’m thinking he is because he’s taking advantage of you.” Melekai_17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SO is technically an adult so he should be able to prioritize better than this. A mental health screening is in order because he’s having trouble with executive functioning.
For your part, you will have to think through how much you’re willing to help him in the future because his behavior might not change especially if he resists treatment for whatever is causing him to self-sabotage.
If you’re doing things for him that he should be doing for himself, including taking on extra debt and giving him funds ‘for school’ when in reality he’s spending it on another collection, be advised that it’s enabling behavior. It won’t lead to anything good because those who wipe butt are destined to be treated as toilet paper.” FeedbackCreative8334
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you’re underreacting. He’s not spending his money, he’s spending YOURS. And while helping him was generous, $2K is a huge chunk of change. He cannot afford luxuries until he’s paid you back.
He, on the other hand, sees you as an indefinite lender who’ll happily let him have funds that YOU pay interest on.
At best you’ll get it back someday, at worst never, but his new hobby is more important to him than paying you back.
Do not give him any more. If he needs to eat ramen, remind him that he bought a luxury item and he still owes you.
If he can’t make rent, remind him the rent money is sitting on a shelf and he still owes you.
Do not be a doormat. Do not set yourself on fire financially so he can impulse buy ‘collectibles.'” allyearswift
14. AITJ For Refusing To Hold A Baby?
“I (18f) don’t like kids. I just don’t. I will play with them if they’re bored but I won’t go as far as to shout no at them instantly. I just prefer to be in my room when I know my baby cousins are over.
I’ll say hi as well like to be respectful and stuff but not chill if you get what I mean.
The other day, my aunt came over with her newborn baby girl that she recently gave birth to like a couple of months ago.
She’s cute and stuff and I said hi and asked all the questions about life with the new baby to be nice. Then she asked if I wanted to hold the baby and I said ‘No thank you’ and she got very angry with me about it and kept insisting I hold the baby even though I said I didn’t want to.
My mum tried to tell me to hold the baby but I didn’t want to so I said no.
A little backstory, when I was like 9-10 another relative brought over their baby and they were like almost a year old. They asked me to hold the baby whilst they get their food and I said sure but I didn’t know how to hold the baby because she didn’t tell me so I was just sitting their like with my hands underneath the baby.
Then the baby started rolling and fell out of my hands onto the floor and she cried and my relative started berating me about it and I cried of course because I’m being shouted at and everyone was mad at me for dropping the baby so I just went to my room and stayed there the entire time.
Never held a baby after that out of fear that I will drop them.
I still don’t know how to hold a baby properly so I just said one final no and went to my room and I could hear my aunt from the living room calling me disrespectful and that I’m disgusted by her child.
I’m not I just don’t want to hold the baby, imma just look from afar. My mother thinks I’m a jerk for not wanting to hold the baby even when I reminded her about that incident in the past. I don’t think I was the jerk but maybe I should have gone along with it and held the baby.
I’m not sure how my tone came across when I said no either but maybe it was rude. Not sure. Any help would be great.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My guess is that the aunt had noticed that OP is not terribly excited about kids and not eager to bond with them.
For some people, if you are a woman, this hits the nerve. Really dunno why.
So maybe even though OP is very young she is annoyed about her reluctance for having kids. At least I would assume it is not the next step for OP and likely will never be.
So she has been looking for an opportunity to get offended and say there is something wrong with OP. Which there of course isn’t!
Holding a baby is very intimate, of course you can say no! I once held a 2 week old and hated the whole minute.
OP you do you, great work at keeping boundaries! You will have this kind of situation in the future so don’t listen to anyone saying you should be different.” melli_milli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t need to hold any child if you don’t want to unless it’s your own.
Sounds like there might be a fear of dropping a baby again. When you were a kid, it was the adult’s duty that handed you the kid to make sure you were holding the baby correctly. They didn’t do that and things happened as a result.
While you may have dropped the child, it’s not your fault that nobody showed you how to probably hold them. Whenever you’re feeling ready to try holding a baby again, ask someone to show you the proper way to hold them so an accident doesn’t happen.
So sorry that negative experience happened.” BananaAnna2008
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have two children of my own (well, they are both adults and parents themselves now). I love my kids, and my grandkids, but don’t like babies, especially other people’s babies (my own kids terrified me when they were babies).
This is relevant.
My nephew is 7 years younger than my youngest child. At a family gathering, my (at the time) BIL tried to get me to hold my nephew (I think he (nephew) was about 4 months old at the time). I said no. He (BIL) laughed and kept on trying – I still said no. He brought nephew over and put him in my lap, expecting me to hold him.
I put both hands in the air and told BIL he’d better grab his kid before he rolled off my lap. BIL grabbed kid and grumped off. Everyone else there (including my sister/his (then) wife) all berated him and told him I absolutely meant it when I told him no, and he was in the wrong.
He was grumpy for the rest of the day, but my family just said ‘Meh – she told you no, we all told you she’d say no, you didn’t listen, sucks to be you’.
I still don’t like babies.” Creepy_Radio_3084
13. AITJ For Avoiding My Husband's Friends?
“My husband Derek is wonderful, but he has a habit that I’m not a fan of. He loves fishing for compliments about his looks. See, my husband is very good-looking.
He has some feminine and some masculine features that work well together and he is objectively more beautiful than I am. Derek is not shy about flaunting it. He’s very extroverted and he loves to fish for compliments. We’ve had a couple of rude people tell us over the years that our marriage doesn’t make sense because he’s more beautiful than me.
Recently, we moved for my job and my husband has a new friend group. They’re like him, fun extroverted people. Except that several people in the group are very critical of me especially my looks compared to my husband. Derek has always laughed it off saying that they were teasing or asking if I don’t think he’s beautiful and I have to reassure him that I do.
I’ve talked to him about his friends but haven’t pushed the issue because he loves his friends. Every time I meet them, I feel more and more uncomfortable and criticized. I decided that our paths didn’t need to cross and removed myself from the situation.
My husband and I went shopping downtown and we separated for a bit to get things. A couple of his friends were also out then and they happened to see him and started to chat. I saw Derek and his friends and he waved me over but I did not want to deal with that situation.
I turned around and left and texted him that I would take the subway home. I came home later that night and Derek sat me down and said I made him very hurt with my behavior. He said it felt like I didn’t love him anymore and wanted to leave.
That this was the last straw in my behavior. I explained that I loved him and knew how much he needed his friends and I’ve created distance so that he can keep both. He started sobbing and said some things I couldn’t understand.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve told him that his friends’ behavior towards you hurts you, and he’s done nothing about it and laughed off your pain. That’s bad partner behavior. If one of my friends or relatives says something that hurts my husband, I listen to him, comfort him, and have a word with the person who hurt him.
If it happens again, I make it clear that I consider someone hurting my husband deeply infuriating, and it will not be tolerated a third time. It has never happened a third time; even second times are rare.
Since he won’t address the way his friends hurt you, you very reasonably want nothing to do with them.
Him throwing a pity party tantrum because you aren’t willing to keep being a punching bag and the butt of nasty ‘jokes’/’teasing’. Yuck. This is all very inconsiderate towards you, and very selfish.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband really needs to take a hard look at what (and who) he values more.
Sounds like he lets his friends put you down because they build him up at your expense. This situation is unsustainable for you, especially if he’s going to start insisting you see them. It is entirely unfair to you to let these people (I hesitate to say friends because real friends don’t do that sort of nonsense) keep trashing you and your marriage this way.
Eventually, he’s going to have to make a choice, and if you have any doubt about who he will choose, you need to sit down and have a few long hard talks about everything.” WanderingAl08
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right and reason to be hurt by the comments his friends make about you.
Your husband is a jerk for allowing these comments to continue.
But what’s really alarming to me is that his response to your reasonable concerns is to victimize himself. When you say ‘I don’t like that they compare us in a way that describes me as beneath you or unworthy of you’, he turns it into ‘You’re calling me unattractive and that means you may leave me’.
It all comes off to me like he’s comfortable with you being seen as/seeing yourself as unworthy of him in a physical sense because that affirms to him that you won’t leave or have an affair. You should seriously address this with him because you deserve to be proud of your body and be with someone who wants you to be their confident equal.” Rough-Parsnip2594
12. AITJ For Investing In Weight Loss Surgery?
“I (39f) am married for 13 years. My whole life, I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food and my body. My weight yoyos. My family is big. The typical, lose it, then put it back, plus more.
When I lose it my mind doesn’t accept that I’ve lost it. When I try to maintain it, I fall into food ‘addiction’ again. Also emotional eating etc etc.
Well, 4 years ago I lost 30 kgs. Then I changed to a job where I work with people with disabilities in the community.
A lot of the time, my sessions with my clients include morning tea, lunch, and afternoon tea. And I can’t really take my own food. So now I’ve stacked on 40 kgs.
My husband hates fat ppl. He says horrible things about bigger people. They’re lazy.
They make excuses. They drain the health system. They’re disgusting. On and on. I know when he makes these comments, they’re aimed at me too. He also lectures me. He talks about my health, which, apart from my weight, is fine. Of course it’s a concern, but he’s not really saying it out of concern.
It’s just another angle for him to bring it up with me. A few times in the last year or so, he’s actually said to me, ‘Are you trying to put on weight?’
Now, our relationship is suffering more than ever, as you can imagine.
He ignores me. Plays this really hurtful ‘game’ which I refer to as ‘favorite parent’ where he makes it really obvious that they’re having a blast and I’m left out. I feel like I can’t leave the house because I’m so down about myself. So I do get left out, which is really sad.
Last week, I texted him saying I never thought we could be so unhappy again (previously separated years ago). His response was ‘Well being 40 kgs overweight will do that. I hope sitting on the couch stuffing your face watching Netflix and drinking was worth it.’ I felt like the life was sucked out of me.
Like my heart stopped. Then I proceeded to cry all day.
I don’t want to continue struggling against my weight for the rest of my life. I’m done with it. I’ve been looking into weight loss surgery to help me. I’ve booked a consultation and signed up for private health insurance.
He is angry that I’m spending our money on something I could do for free. So now I’m hearing from him that it’s the easy way out, and by the time I can get the surgery, I could have lost the weight for free. It’s going to be about 8k all up.
We can afford it.
I will lose weight and be active and healthy, but he can never take those comments back. I told him that, and he said he doesn’t feel he should take the comments back and he will never change.
He’s ignoring me again.
I’m sleeping on the couch for a week now because my weight causes me to snore, and he gets angry in the night because I keep him awake.
AITJ for spending some of our money on weight loss surgery?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the surgery is only going to be a small portion of the lifestyle changes you make.
They have to continue or they put weight back on. Right now, you’ve only booked a consultation, that’s just a small step before the surgery. It will still give you time to decide if it is 100% your best option. I also think there are some deeper issues than just using some of your shared money on surgery to better yourself that need to be discussed with him and possibly even with a therapist. Good luck love.” MommyNurse2012
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ.
But make sure you’re doing this surgery for YOU and not for him. It sounds to me as though you are in a horrible relationship that is dragging you down, which is probably actually contributing to your unhealthy relationship with food.
If you are unhappy with your weight and feel that surgery is the best solution then absolutely go for it! But if you are actually OK with yourself and this is because you want to get rid of the nasty comments and stop his behavior, then I’d be looking at ending the relationship.
I say this not to dissuade you from doing the surgery, but because you shouldn’t feel forced to do an invasive procedure that, as far as I understand, has a risk of complications and significant recovery time, for anyone else. Also because I am concerned that he may not change and may actually berate you for using the money and being lazy.” msfinch87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I hope you keep in mind – a big part of your husband’s personality and daily life is currently about putting you down. It’s how he sees you – someone to insult, someone who disgusts him, someone he can keep under his boot.
When it’s not the weight, it will be something else. And I’m sorry to say, no surgery is a guarantee. What happens if you put on some weight afterward? It’s not uncommon to regain some of the lost weight, especially if there is illness or injury or just aging.
He’ll be thrilled of course because he will have more to beat you over the head with. But will you be able to endure? I hate that you are being treated this way. But it’s not temporary, it’s not fixable with weight loss.
This is his character put out for you on clear display. Take a good look and know that he is a bigger problem than any weight.” SnooPets8873
11. AITJ For Messing With My Mom's Meal After She Complained About My Cooking?
“I (16F) live with my mom (50?
F). She is extremely picky and usually has me remake dinner at LEAST once if she isn’t happy with it. The kicker is, I make the exact same food every time the same way but she still makes me remake it or threatens to kick me out.
It’s fine, I understand she likes things the same and can’t make it herself because she’s busy.
Well today, I had to remake breakfast 3 times and lunch once. It was wearing me down and making me frustrated.
I guess this was extremely petty and I feel guilty.
But I made her a chicken sandwich, exactly how she wanted, except I shaved the sides down with a butter knife to make it tiny. She flipped out and started saying how I was potentially starving her and then me because she worked for our money and our food and now neither of us could eat.
I felt angry but also justified because I wasted so many ingredients that day. If I was wrong I am fully willing to accept it and continue making her food and a make-up dinner for this one… I understand she’s busy but I was very frustrated at the waste of ingredients and her behavior.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is awful, and/or needs professional help for some mental health issues.
Start doing research, making contacts with teen homelessness and other aid groups, securing your documents, and finding a safe way to sequester any income you earn to move out as soon as you’re an adult.
If the food is safe to eat (ie not undercooked or containing an unexpected allergen) and is considered edible by a reasonable person she has no need for you to remake it.
It is illegal to kick you out before 18 in the States, and even then you need 30 days+ notice for eviction depending on the state.
But dealing with parents who do it anyway is sadly lacking in official help. So be proactive and make plans that have contingencies for when things go wrong.” Meghanshadow
Another User Comments:
“Dude your mom is an amazingly awful person. You are NTJ. You sound like a wonderful kind of person.
I think you have an inclination as to where your relationship with your mom is heading. If you don’t. Then once again here it is. Your mom is mistreating you. Your young mind thinks remaking all that food for her is going to make her happy.
It is not going to. That’s the truth. Hang in there till you are 18. Make a solid financial plan for yourself if possible and get out of there.” delonix_regia18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother has some serious mental health issues.
She likely has no insight so you telling her is unlikely to get her any help but more mistreatment.
You could tell a trusted teacher about what is happening at home but I’m not sure CPS would do much about a 16-year-old.
Do you have anywhere else you could live? Where’s your dad?
I’d be saving as much money as you can and moving out when you turn 18.
If you plan to go to college, go to one far away and get scholarships to help out financially.” KitchenDismal9258
10. AITJ For Not Liking My Mom's Surprise Visit?
“I’m 21F and my mom (50-60s?F) came to visit me unannounced with my father (62M) today. She asked me earlier this week if she could come up and surprise me before finals dead week and I said no because I need to study up.
I am in 5 math classes all 300+ level courses aka they all need calc 2 or 3 AS A PREREQUISITE.
She asked me what I was doing and why they couldn’t come and I said I wanted to just take a weekend where I can relax and nap and play some games with my friend, (technically my significant other, but I don’t dare tell her about him because she’d disapprove immediately.) I just don’t have to do 15 assignments this week since during dead week we’re finishing up the last stuff.
Yes, I have an insane amount of busy work and I have no life so maybe I’m just being grouchy.
She said oh okay she doesn’t understand but if ‘not seeing me makes you happy’ then she’ll comply. So I already knew she was upset I wouldn’t let her come over.
I know, some of y’all might say she’s a narc mom and she is. My dad even says he wants me to move because she’s bad.
Someone knocked on my door while my SO and I were watching a movie over FaceTime.
Lo and behold it was my mother. I think I am the jerk because I just felt so angry and so upset that she literally took away my one free weekend since January and my last one before finals.
I’ve only had two free weekends and I remember I went home because she lied about my father having a heart attack, and the other time I went home because she said the dog died. The dog is still alive.
Anyways I just kind of stared and said hi with a fake smile and then started crying and now she’s mad at me because I upset her. She feels that I overreacted and she just wanted to take me out to dinner and go home and see family and I’m being selfish.
I kind of took it too far I think and I actually yelled at her asking her why she thought it was okay to make a 4-hour drive to surprise me when I told her please don’t. So now I feel like I took it way too far and now I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t take it too far; you didn’t take it far enough.
Your mother completely ignores your boundaries and will tell major lies to get around them. You told her NO about visiting this weekend. She came anyway.
Once you saw who was at the door, you should have just closed the door and ignored her.
She needs negative consequences for overstepping your boundaries or she will never stop. Don’t feel guilty for not letting her run roughshod over you.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And your mom is manipulating you and is possibly a narcissist. When she disrespected your stated needs and then you reasonably got upset, she then made herself the victim.
This is called DARVO – Deny, Reverse Victim, and Offender. This is a common tactic to try to avoid responsibility for their selfish behavior.
You’re an adult and you deserve downtime. Get into therapy as soon as possible – it’s probably free from your school and unlearning the guilt she’s instilled in you takes a lot of work and help.
You can do this, and you deserve your needs to be respected.
Also, her lies are APPALLING and sociopathic. No contact would be completely warranted if you need that while you build boundaries, or even forever.” Aggravating-Split-40
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to decline a visit from anyone, at any time, for any reason.
Your mother sounds manipulative and selfish, and it sounds like your father is well aware. He doesn’t want her to drag you down. She’s already exhibiting a pattern of such behavior. Listen to your dad. Set healthy boundaries with your mother, whatever that means for you, and stand your ground on them.
Best of luck with your schooling and your mom.” SemiJudgyWallflower
9. AITJ For Uninviting My Family From My Wedding For Pressuring My Fiancé To Be More Feminine?
“I (24M) am getting married to my fiancé J (23M).
My mother’s family is very traditional and religious and always believed I would be marrying a girl and are having a hard time adjusting.
J is a model. He often times models clothes on the more feminine side and no one has a problem with it.
My family has seen some of the photos and has often joked that J is ‘pretty enough to be a girl’ which he would just laugh off as some joke.
My grandfather has offered to pay for the suits. The deal was he would get an opinion when it came to what our wedding suits would be since they were paying.
J and I went on different days.
Fast forward, I’m going to go pick up the suits from my aunt’s place. Right away I can tell something’s wrong. My suit is fine but J’s is white. J was adamant saying he wanted a black suit so I asked my aunt why it was white but she said J chose it.
I didn’t believe her. Something was definitely off. J isn’t a large guy or anything but this suit just looked far too small. I ask J about the suit when I get home and he just brushes it off. When I said it looked too small he looked a bit panicked and said he’ll take care of it.
I couldn’t help but feel that maybe J was pressured into choosing white. He’s a bit of a people-pleaser so it wouldn’t surprise me. I ended up looking up the suit online to see if I could order one in black and that if he liked it we could refund my grandfather.
As it turns out, they ordered a woman’s suit for him. I honestly thought it was a mistake at first and that maybe my grandfather somehow chose wrong so I asked J about it when he got home and he broke down.
Apparently, my grandfather told J that every wedding needs someone in the bride role and since he’s marrying into our family it should be him.
My aunt had been pressuring J into losing weight to fit into the suit they bought for him and had convinced him their family would only accept him if he wore a white bridal one. And that’s not even all, my grandaunt has been buying J a lot of hair accessories that are extremely feminine and has even suggested he get a new engagement ring.
I’ve never been so mad. J said he didn’t tell me about any of this because he just wanted to keep the peace and that just made me more upset. I ended up uninviting them to our wedding. My mom called and demanded to know what happened and she was deeply shocked and ashamed when I told her everything and she says it was not acceptable but that they were having a hard time adjusting to this new kind of wedding.
My cousins say if a suit was such a big deal then J should just wear a dress since he’s used to wearing girl clothes. I uninvited them too.
J’s family is all on my side. My mom says that I was overreacting by uninviting everyone that disagrees with me and that I should let them come if they apologize to J.
I’ll admit I was harsh but I also don’t think I’m in the wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for some people to only be okay with two men in a relationship if one of them is ‘the woman’.
People who think that way often see the more feminine partner as ‘lesser’. It sounds like your family has decided the only way they can accept your relationship is if you’re ‘the man’.
If you really want to mess with them, send them photos of wedding dresses and suggest you’re planning on wearing one for the wedding.
Don’t invite bigots to your wedding. No matter what they say now, you can’t trust them not to ruin the day for you both.
An apology would be a good start, but they need to demonstrate actual regret for hurting your partner and show that they can accept that you’re both men and in a relationship before they’re worth having around at all.” princess_ferocious
Another User Comments:
“‘Apparently my grandfather told J that every wedding needs someone in the bride role and since he’s marrying into our family it should be him.’
If you wanted to be petty, you should pick out a beautiful white bridal gown, with the long train, plunging neckline, the whole nine yards.
Maybe don’t buy it, but get some amazing shots from a few angles. Then, photoshop yourself into the dress, standing next to J in his black suit.
Send these pictures to your grandfather and whatever other relatives you uninvited after the wedding, and tell them that ‘someone needed to be in the bride role’, and since you’re marrying into J’s family, it might as well be you.
Make sure to thank them all for such a wonderful idea. Then enjoy the fireworks.
Oh, and also, NTJ.” FoxBun_17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your family members who pulled that crap are absolutely terrible people. Who cares if they’re not adjusting well to the 21st century, this is your wedding.
You should absolutely protect your fiancé from them. It doesn’t matter if he’s worn ‘female’ clothes before, I’m sure he could pull anything off amazingly by the sound of it, but what matters is what he wants to wear. This is a day for both of you, have it exactly the way you want and that includes keeping some people away if they’d just try to impose gender role nonsense on you.” MissK2421
8. AITJ For Not Returning The Bike?
“About a month ago I got a free bike from my cousin. An old red beach cruiser of unknown make. I needed a bike because my last one was stolen and I’m too broke to buy a new one. My cousin then told me he had an old beat-up bike in his parents’ backyard, and I could have it if I wanted it.
When I picked it up, it looked like a mess. Covered in mud, rusty chain, nicked paint, and dry cracking on the white sidewalls of the tires. There was even moss on it. But I took it anyway and thanked them.
I got it home, cleaned it up, touched up the paint with nail polish, lubed the chain with WD40, put new $7 grips on it, tightened the rear gear, cleaned most of the rust off any chrome, put on an aluminum kickstand that the bike shop tossed out as garbage, and it became my daily rider.
The tubes and tires are still good, and I got it back on the road for less than $10. And honestly, I like it. Rides a little bouncy, but the coaster brake is fun and it’s simple and reliable.
The problem is my cousin saw me riding it last week, and at first, didn’t recognize it as the same bike.
It was so covered in mud previously that he’d thought it was rusted over. And now he says that I scammed him and that he wants $60 for the bike, or to give it back so he can sell it. I refused and said he didn’t want it in the first place.
And I like riding it. He’s calling me a jerk and telling his friends and family I’ve robbed him. The family is all on my side, including his parents. But his friends think I’m a jerk. But I’m the one who put the work into fixing this bike he gave me free as trash.
And I’m the one who actually uses it, unlike my cousin.
So I’m here for an unbiased opinion. AITJ for not giving the bike back or paying for it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a gift. The value of the bike was weighed at the time of the sale for $0 based on the condition it was in and his honest appraisal of its potential.
I do not believe when you bought it for $0 you had any assurance that you would be able to successfully repair the bike into a good condition. This point bears repeating: at the time it was gifted to you, the bike was not worth its final condition with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.
It was worth the combination of its current condition plus the risk of investing in it. For all you reasonably knew, you would have found the bike in WORSE condition than it appeared, and the money you spent in trying to fix it up to be a waste.
Even now I have doubts that the bike is really worth the amount your cousin thinks it is worth. It’s used. It could still fall apart at any time.” atmasabr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you hadn’t taken the bike, it likely would still be in your cousin’s backyard covered in mud.
You didn’t scam him because he was too lazy to put in any effort to maintain the bike. He scammed himself. If he actually wanted to sell the bike, he should’ve put in the effort. The only reason he gave it to you is because he thought it was junk and could get you to dispose of it for him.
If anything, he scammed you, because if it was actually junk, disposing of it would’ve cost you.” Bluepikmin_64
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your cousin gave you the bike for free, and even said it was beat up and in the backyard. You put in the effort to fix it up and make it rideable, and now your cousin wants to take it back and sell it for $60.
That’s not fair to you. It’s understandable that he didn’t recognize it at first, but that doesn’t mean you scammed him. You’re using the bike and taking care of it, which is more than he was doing with it. It’s great that your family is on your side, and hopefully, your cousin will come around and realize that he gave you the bike for free and it’s not fair to try to take it back now.” Specialist-Curve-465
7. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Wanted To Spend Easter With His Family?
“My husband suddenly and very sadly lost his Dad in early December. It was a rough month and my husband and I as well as our 1 year old spent the whole time with his family. I canceled our Christmas plans with my family a few days out from Christmas as he didn’t want to spend that period in the house.
Completely understandable so we booked a last-minute Airbnb elsewhere. I felt I was very understanding and supported my husband and his family the best I could.
Fast forward to a few weeks out from Easter. I asked my husband if we could stay 1 night at my Dad’s and the other 3 nights with his Mum.
He at that stage agreed. My sister and her family had been living with my Dad for 2.5 years so we hadn’t been able to stay with him and he was really keen for us to come stay a night.
It comes the week of Easter and I mention again about staying a night at my Dad’s and he says ‘We will see’.
I replied that I thought it would be rude not to as he and my sister had gone to a lot of trouble to get the rooms sorted so we could stay (she literally moved out that month). The day that we were meant to stay at my Dad’s he told me he wasn’t coming and would come join me later the next day for my family brunch for Easter Sunday.
I felt uncomfortable explaining to my Dad why he wasn’t there and was trying to understand why he wouldn’t want to be with us. His brother, wife, and child live with his Mum and we had seen them monthly since Dec. Twice she had come and stayed with us.
AITJ? It has caused some tension as every time we go home we stay and spend more time with his family even before his Dad’s passing. My side is really polite about it but I know it’s starting to annoy them that I spend more time with his family.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Grief is fickle. He might find it difficult right now to be around a family that, in his eyes, might look more ‘whole.’ He’d be a jerk if he tried to prevent you from going or guilted you, but it seems like he found himself unable to not be with his side of the family for this.
It’s their first Easter without his dad, and while I know the compromise was more than fair and accommodating, he might’ve still felt obligated to spend the whole holiday with his side of the family.
I think the first full year after someone’s death is especially hard because you’re doing all of the ‘first’ things without them.
First birthday, first Easter, first Thanksgiving. A few months isn’t long to mourn in the grand scheme of things.
You haven’t been unreasonable or anything and your feelings are valid. You miss your husband and wish he would spend more time with the family.
Would it be possible to arrange a visit with your family not during a holiday or special occasion first? That might be a good way to kind of ‘break the ice’ in getting him back into the swing of spending time with people outside of his family.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s understandable that you need time over the holiday with each family. Your husband and his family probably need more close time this year due to his dad’s passing, and I can understand your frustration that he won’t spare a day for your side, but everyone grieves in their own way.
Hopefully, this is just a ‘first year without dad’ issue and as time passes you guys can talk and decide on a more equitable balance for future visits.
Enjoy your time with your family, maybe even more than the one day planned, and let him have his time as he needs.
Plan for a talk a few weeks from now to make sure he understands you were disappointed and that you want more visits with your family. Consider couples counseling if this seems like a difficult conversation to manage calmly.” Embarrassed-Wafer978
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say ‘no jerks here’ despite I think both of you doing not perfect things.
Your husband should not have agreed to go to your family’s place if he wasn’t going to, but he and his family are still in mourning over a sudden death that happened less than half a year ago. You can see why big family gatherings and holidays would be an especially hard time.
On your end, you have been supportive, tried to plan things out early, and have had things lopsided in favor of his family… but you are saying things that seem like you are more concerned with what your family thinks than what your husband feels.
A response to your family ‘Husband and his family are still having a very hard time with his father’s passing, he wishes he could be here and really appreciates how you guys set the rooms up for us but needs to be with his family now’ is a fine response.
No follow-up is needed. This won’t be the norm forever, but it is going to be for at least the first year after a death.
You can be irritated, but I think if you make a big stink about this you’ll cross into YTJ territory.
He needs the grace right now, and at some point in the marriage the tables will flip and you’ll need it too.” EmceeK_baby
6. AITJ For Saying A Snarky Comment To A Childless Woman?
“I (28F) have a 2-year-old son. My brother, ‘Tommy’ (25M) has been going out with ‘Giana’ (22F) for a few months now.
She’s a little judgmental, not of me particularly, but in general. She babysits other children and constantly judges the parents. She says she’d never let her kids act the way the kids do. Sometimes it makes sense and I agree. Others, she claims that her future kids will never, ever throw a tantrum.
They’ll accept no the first time, the only time. I’ve told her good luck with that when it comes to toddlers. My son is learning no and has appropriate consequences for tantrums, but he’s learning. It’ll happen.
It’s also important to note that Gia is infertile.
She can’t have kids without medical intervention or adoption.
Saturday night, we went out for my dad’s birthday dinner. I messed up and didn’t prepare my toddler well enough. He got overstimulated and began melting down. I quickly took him out of the restaurant to calm him down before he could cause a scene.
It took all of 5 minutes and we returned, he got food and was all good. Giana started on ‘My future kids will NEVER act like that in a restaurant’. I ignored her.
The next day, Tommy, our parents, my son, Giana, and I went to the mall for an event they were having.
My son was playing in a structure and I had my eyes on him. My mom asked me a question and I turned to answer her. When I turned back, he was gone. Panic set in and my parents and Tommy, along with some people nearby began helping me look.
It only took a few minutes to find him and he was perfectly fine, he had seen a pretzel cart and wandered off.
I was still pretty worked up, holding onto him for dear life. He had never wandered off before. My mom was reassuring me, saying it happened to her with both of us kids.
Then I hear Giana ‘Why weren’t you watching him?’ I tried ignoring her. Then she said, ‘I would’ve never let him wander off’.
I was already so worked up and upset, I snapped. I said ‘It’s easy being a perfect parent when you don’t have kids.
Come back to me when you do.’ Giana got visibly upset. She then made Tommy take her home.
Tommy and Giana have both texted me telling me how insensitive that is since she can’t have kids. To me, she talks about having kids all the time, so why is it different for me to say that?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Having fertility issues does not give her a free pass to take shots at other people.
Also – you did not take a shot at her for having fertility issues or suggest that her opinion doesn’t matter because she will struggle to have biological children.
You said that since she isn’t currently a parent, she cannot understand the challenges of being a parent and that she should reserve judgment until she has actually experienced being a parent. She is able to be a parent. That journey, when she starts it, may just be more difficult for her.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a huge difference between a childless person asking a parent to control a misbehaving child and a childless person acting like they will be the perfect parent who will never have any issues. Not only are children a lot of emotional work but they are also so unpredictable in their behaviors.
She’s welcome to her opinions as long as she keeps them to herself, I guarantee the first time her own child (if she ends up adopting/IVF) has a meltdown she will crack like a case of eggs dropped from a skyscraper.” seanthebean24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…The fact that Giana says things like ‘my future kids will never….’ implies she’s not overly sensitive about the topic of her infertility. If you had said, ‘It’s easy to be a perfect mom when you can’t have kids,’ that might have made me think differently.
It’s a lot different being a babysitter than being a parent. I’ve been a nanny, a teacher, and a stay-at-home mom to 3 kids, so I have a lot of experience and education in child and adolescent development tantrums, and pushing limits is part of the development and learning process for kids.
Giana is delusional if she thinks her kids will never have a tantrum. I’m strict, and my kids know that when I say no, that means no, but I’ve still had to leave a full cart at the service desk and haul a couple of crying preschoolers out of Sam’s Club because they weren’t behaving.” craftymama45
5. AITJ For Commenting On My Best Friend's Partner's Outfit?
“I (22f) have been friends with Danny (22m) since high school and he recently moved in with his current partner Lucy (22f). They had a housewarming party on Friday and Lucy spent most of the night dancing with her own friends who are very like her (excitable extroverted e.g) and dragging Danny away from his conversations with us (his friends) to dance even though he’s more like us (introverted, not party animals).
Later Danny was being quiet so I asked if he was okay and he said just tired, but he just kept watching Lucy dancing and then said something in her ear the next time she came over and she just shook her head and laughed at him.
After she went back to her friends I asked if it was bothering him how she was behaving and he asked me to explain. I mentioned the attention-seeking dancing and the fact she was wearing something really revealing even though other guys were at the party.
Danny said it didn’t bother him and then sat with a moody face.
At the end of the night, Lucy sat down with us and started chatting nonstop about how amazing the party had been. I pointed out jokingly that Danny obviously wasn’t enjoying himself since he looked miserable, and Danny told her I was worried he was jealous because of her outfit.
Lucy ruffled his hair (which he hates) and said he was quiet because he loved her outfit so much he couldn’t wait for us all to leave so he could ‘drag’ her to bed. I thought that was completely inappropriate and said to Danny in that case I’d leave if she was just going to be disgusting and Lucy just laughed at me so I did leave.
Today Danny has messaged me saying Lucy wants an apology before I’m allowed back at their home but when I asked if Lucy will apologize for making me uncomfortable he said no she doesn’t have anything to be sorry about.
I was genuinely only worried about my friend but admit I could have just left without calling her disgusting so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your story reeks of insecurity and jealousy of her. It’s no one’s business what the girl wears except for hers and he clearly likes how extroverted and fun she is or he wouldn’t be with her. You were rude during the party and were constantly making passive-aggressive remarks about her and their relationship, disrespected her further in front of others, and tried to make a scene where the friend chose you over his partner threatening to leave and getting all butt hurt when no one cared. YTJ, get over yourself.” UnusualApple434
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, as an introvert myself, it kind of sounds like you are intimidated by her, and have some unresolved feelings for him. It sounds like she was just having fun with her friends, and you thought her dancing was ‘attention-seeking’? And gasp, she wore something revealing with other guys around?
So what? She can wear whatever she wants, especially at a party in her own home.
It’s fine to not like her, you two don’t have to become best friends, and it’s even fine to think her outfit wasn’t good and that she’s attention-seeking. Maybe she is!
But saying that to her partner under the guise of concern, and telling her he wasn’t having any fun really crossed the line, and you should apologize to her. And telling her she was inappropriate for joking around about going to bed with him… again, if you don’t like her, just leave.
Don’t call her disgusting for something like that.” Jerseygirl2468
4. AITJ For Telling My Son To Get A Job While He's In University?
“I (53F) have been asking my 23-year-old son to get a part-time job while he is at university so he can pay for his miscellaneous things like haircuts, entertainment, clothes, etc.
I have been paying his rent for almost 5 years while he is a student.
He receives income support which helps him pay for food and internet, electricity, etc. I’m a single parent and after a serious car accident, I have been unable to work, so helping him is also going through my savings as well, what little I have.
He borrows from me regularly and when I tell him I can’t afford to help him, he tells me I should get a job.
I’ve recently gotten him to contribute some funds towards his rent but last week he spent his contribution and expected me to cover it for him.
When I told him I couldn’t afford it, he told me I’m lazy for not working and that his friend’s parents always give them money when they need it. He blames me for not being as wealthy as his friend’s parents.
His degree is a 3-year degree but he has done most of it part-time, which has lengthened the time I thought I would be supporting him by 2 years until he started working.
Every time I talk to him about the effect it is having on me financially, he tells me I’m being selfish and if he fails it will be my fault.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your son is the jerk though. The audacity to tell you to get a job when he doesn’t have one.
Time to stop the handouts. Plenty of students work full-time while studying part-time or work part-time while studying full-time, he needs to start realizing what the real world is, how much effort goes into earning a haircut or trip to the movies, not only for your sake but for his too, he needs to learn how to cope in the workplace and have budgeting skills before he leaves uni.
Some kids only learn by making mistakes, and if he spends up and can’t make rent then he can explain to his roommates/landlord why, it will make him think twice about doing it again.” Education_Unfair
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though your son is the jerk.
Big time. I don’t like how he talks to you. And, it’s perfectly reasonable for your son to get a part-time job and contribute financially to your household. Not only do his insults have to go, but you need to stop explaining to him why you need his financial support.
If I were in your situation, I would lay down a few rules: if he wants to continue to live with you, no more insults and he needs to get a job. Period. Your house, your rules. And, for your information, I went to school while working 30 hours per week and ended up on the honor roll, so I know from personal experience that it can be done.
Stand in your power!” katg913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is blatantly taking advantage of you at this point, and continuing to pay his rent is generous. What else is he doing if he’s only going to school part-time and not working? You’ve already paid more than a fair amount, the rest should be on him.
You need to cut him off now in hopes that he won’t become a lifetime moocher. It might be too late already. No way do his friend’s parents still cover everything unless they’re freeloaders too.” User
3. AITJ For Prioritizing My Sister's Wedding Over A Funeral?
“My (f26) sister Ellie (f28) and I are very close. Ellie’s getting married in about 3 weeks, I’m her maid of honor and it’s all very exciting, but also stressful.
Especially so close to the wedding making sure it all goes as smoothly as possible.
My partner Jack’s (m25) family is Canadian. They’ve recently had a family tragedy so Jack is flying out next week to attend the funeral. Of course I have no issue with him going, but he asked me to come as well.
I said sorry, that’s really not possible since Ellie’s wedding is coming up not long after and it’s just a lot on my plate right now (and it’s not like a simple drive, it’s in a whole other country). I’ve been helping with a lot of the planning and generally being there for her, and Ellie doesn’t want me to go now either.
Jack’s been pretty upset and not talking to me much.
People who know of this are torn, some are saying I’m right but a couple of people are telling me I’m being selfish.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you actually care about being with your partner or are you mentally checked out of the relationship?
He is grieving. His family is grieving. It’s not like he asked you to miss her wedding. I could understand if going would cause you to lose your job or miss an important family event, but that’s not the case. You would be back before the wedding.
Your family should understand that you are needed elsewhere for a while.
Imagine that your sister and her fiance suddenly died and you had to travel out of the country for their funeral and your partner refused to go with you because his brother was getting married a week after you would be back from the funeral and he had a lot of things he was helping with.
I’m assuming that he would be single by the time you got back.
I’m sure he will break up with you over this. Maybe not now but sometime in the future as he will see that he isn’t as important to you as he should be.” Pristine-Antelope-23
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, terrible partner for letting your partner be alone in his time of need. No one cares that you’re the MAID OF HONOR (gasp!). It’s a one-night event (pretty much). All the importance you are putting on yourself and your ‘big moment as the maid of honor’ is just so entitled. You know your sister is the one getting married right?
It’s her day, not yours. And from the sounds of it, you aren’t even at risk of missing the wedding. I cannot fathom why you would put this stupid thing over your partner who is probably in ruin right now over his loss. Oh wait, we have to think about you though.
We don’t want you to miss out on… What exactly are you going to miss? A group chat text? A Sunday brunch with mimosas? Major jerk.” Slycoopracoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They’re not even remotely close to being at the same time yet because of your selfishness (and the selfishness of your sister), you’re refusing to make time to support your partner through the loss of his brother and SIL.
Shame on you.
Remember this moment when your partner leaves you because it is this exact moment that has shown him how much you actually love him – which is to say, not enough to support him through something traumatic.
And no, your sister not wanting you to go is not a good enough excuse.
Her wedding isn’t so important that his grief should be pushed aside.
If you don’t plan on being a good partner to your partner, you need to do the right thing and step aside so someone else can. He deserves better.” Panaccolade
If it's within a week of the wedding or closer? You don't go. You made a commitment.
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Watch My Partner's Comfort Show?
“My partner (25M) and I (24F) have a weekly date night where we cook dinner and watch a movie or TV show. Recently, my partner has been going through a tough time dealing with his anxiety, and he’s been using his favorite TV show as a way to cope.
Last Friday, I suggested that we watch a romantic movie instead of his show, but he insisted that we watch it because it helps him relax. However, I wasn’t in the mood for it and wanted to watch something different. He got upset and revealed to me that the show was a comforting escape for him during his panic attacks and that he really needed it at the moment.
I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t want to invalidate his feelings, but I also didn’t want to give up our date night tradition. He accused me of being selfish and not understanding his mental health struggles, but I felt like he was using his personal issue to guilt me into watching something I wasn’t interested in.
Now I’m torn between wanting to support him and needing our date night to be enjoyable for both of us. So, AITJ for not letting my partner watch his favorite TV show during our date night, even though it’s related to a personal issue he’s dealing with?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I think it might be more depression than anxiety. Being in the midst of it doesn’t always look like laying in bed curled up not being able to move and having panic attacks, sometimes it looks like burying your head in tv shows and seeming fine or even functioning like you’re absolutely fine.
It does mean compromising isn’t going to work while in it though and he probably doesn’t realize it right now. Until he can get himself out of it, I’m not sure you’ll get a look in. I don’t think he’s being intentional with it.
I don’t think you were being selfish at all, you were wanting to spend time with him and do something different.
It’s not easy being the partner of someone with anxiety and/or depression.
Unfortunately, I think you’re just going to need to ride it out until he’s okay, it really won’t be forever and isn’t a reflection on how your relationship will always look. It’s going to be difficult but you can do both, support and do your own thing together.
Wish I could say there’s an easy fix.” LJR_rainbow_22
Another User Comments:
“Gonna go with ‘everyone sucks here’.
You say you need the date night to be enjoyable for both of you. Well, that apparently is impossible in the current situation, so insisting you don’t want to give up your date night tradition is saying you just want him to be the one to******* up?
The reasonable thing to do was cancel the date night and have a talk about it (maybe later if he wasn’t in a good state to do it then?) You wouldn’t be wrong to insist that you weren’t gonna just keep watching his favorite show on date nights, but the proper thing imo is to withdraw from them until a compromise can be found.
He was being similarly uncompromising and trying to make you watch something you didn’t want to. If he’s got some need to watch that show when you don’t want to then he should watch it alone. He should also have discussed this before instead of just assuming you’ll want to watch that show forever and getting upset when you don’t want to.” Pawn_of_the_Void
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – a healthy partner is more important than a tradition. You should 100% be focused on things like reaching out to his psychiatrist and therapist and doing your best to help him cope in healthy ways. Watching TV like this isn’t an A+ coping skill but it’s pretty benign in comparison to people who drink or refuse to get out of bed. I would just not think of it as a date night, but more of caring for a sick loved one.
If he had the flu you’d bring him soup and medicine and spend the night making sure he was feeling okay. Help him call a doctor to be checked out. You’d probably binge-watch his favorite movies and shows.
Solve the problem, and postpone date night for later.” littlestgoldfish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here and as a result, date night has become a chore. There was not only any consensus on how to enjoy the time, but you both also had super big conflicting individual wants/needs. I have no input on the validity of his mental state and how he should cope because that’s not for me to assess, but date night should have been postponed until you were both feeling it instead of each expecting the other to cave to something they really dreaded because somebody is going to be left frustrated either way.
That’s not much of a date night. That’s somebody losing a fight. Start a tradition of flexibility.” spoonface_gorilla
1. AITJ For Letting My Cats Eat Off Human Plates?
“I gave my cats some wet food that I put on two small plates (I think they may even be tea cup plates.) I let them eat as much as they wanted and scrapped the rest down the disposal. So here’s the issue: my mom, whom I live with, has a significant other who is picky about cleaning and was raised in a very different way from both of us.
He saw that the cats ate off the small plates and that I used our normal sponge to clean the plates. He started saying things like ‘Do you even know etiquette?’ and ‘Animals don’t eat off human plates.’
To be honest, I didn’t think it was an issue since it’s no different from baby food or raw meat in my eyes.
However, this turned into a fight between him and my mother who also doesn’t see the issue of using those plates and the normal sponge. There are some interpersonal issues as well between him and me but I would really like the focus to be on if there is some special animal etiquette/plates.
AITJ to let cats eat off human plates and to use the main sponge to clean them? Is it really that gross to use human tools?”
Another User Comments:
“Most non-cat people and even some cat people find this gross. I would not want to eat at your house.
It does not matter if dish soap is sufficient to make it safe or not, it’s similar to how if someone took a dump on your plate and cleaned it you’d probably want to throw it out rather than eat off it, and you certainly wouldn’t want them to clean other plates with the same sponge.
If you expect anyone but yourself, your cats, and people with similar attitudes towards cats and hygiene to eat off your crockery you need to reconsider how you clean your dishes but understand that your family’s attitude is not as widespread as you believe it to be.
As for who is the jerk, it really depends on how you discussed this. Your actions prior to being confronted were not jerkish, and I understand how he feels. You also understand he’s been raised differently from you but you also use the word fight and you made this post. Without any firmer details to say otherwise though, and because you are only interested in whether what you did was wrong and whether you were being berated for nothing, I’m saying there are no jerks here.” FlusteredDM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s food. It could be old food, new food, cat food, or human food. The cat is licking it. It’s the same as a person licking a plate (and humans have a lot of nasty crap in their mouths, more so than cats).
So washing a plate is washing a plate is washing a plate. Your mom’s SO is in his psyche about it. Even if you peed on the plate and then washed it, you’re washing it. Plates don’t absorb germs. He’s being insanely ridiculous.” WikkidWitchly
Another User Comments:
“I don’t really think you’re a jerk. So maybe an ‘everyone sucks here’ label. I do think it’s gross and unsanitary. If they are plates strictly for the cats. Sure. But using the same sponge to clean is gross. Animal mouths are full of nasty bacteria.
So then using that sponge that you’ve let sit will just grow even grosser things. The guy could have just asked nicely to use special plates and a sponge. My dog has a ‘human’ bowl, but it is only hers and goes into the dishwasher.
And if I can’t put it in the dishwasher I use a paper towel to wash it. Cross-contamination is a no-no. Coming from a restaurant worker, working with animals, and having a germaphobe for a husband, you just don’t cross-contaminate.” BrewersWife13
