People Want Us To Understand Their Side In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Bringing My Kids To My Parents' House?
“We live three blocks away from my parents and they see our kids almost every day.
My husband’s parents live a couple of states away and only see the kids a few times a year.
It’s easy when we go see them since we only visit when the kids are off school.
But when they come to see us it is at random intervals through the year.
Not a problem really they are excellent grandparents. With one small exception. They think our rules go out the window when they visit.
It means that we don’t make the kids their favorite food every day. Why can’t the kids watch tv with them before they do their chores and homework? Why do the kids have to be in bed so early?
It drives me crazy that I’m the bad guy because my husband won’t put his foot down so I have to do it.
They came last week. On Monday as soon as dinner was over they wanted the kids to pay attention to them.
They wanted to take the kids to see Avatar. On a school night. My husband allowed it.
Last straw. I told him that he knew that throwing the kids off their schedule screwed me over. So I gave him the choice of either enforcing our rules or I would.
He said he would take care of it.
The second night there was a hockey game on. He wanted to watch it with our son who loves hockey. I reminded my husband that our son had chores to do and homework.
He said it was just a hockey game.
I told the kids to get their stuff. I took them and a change of clothes and their homework to my parents’ house. My mom and dad will watch them and then take them to school in the morning.
I went back home and they were waiting for me. I’m being a controlling and abusive person by denying them time with the kids. I’m not the only person allowed to make decisions regarding the kids.
They came all this way to see them and I’m being a jerk by keeping them on a schedule.
Fine. They are visiting for a couple of weeks. Wednesday after I picked up the kids from school and dropped them off at home with my in-laws.
Then I went out for the first time in ages. I told my husband I would be out late and didn’t want to wake anyone so I would be at my parents’ house.
Did the same thing Thursday through tonight.
My husband has been calling and texting and coming over to tell me I need to come home because the house is a disaster because his parents won’t do anything. They are on vacation and they are there to see the kids not clean up.
The kids are having a fun time with no rules and he has been contacted by the school because no homework was turned in on Thursday or Friday. I didn’t answer those texts.
I said I would be back after his parents left or he enforced the rules.
He said I was taking it too far and that it was affecting his work.
EDIT: My son just texted me about his gym clothes for today. I guess he never put them in the hamper and they didn’t get washed. Now I’m wondering what else my husband didn’t get done.
The kids are 9 and 11. In-laws visit four or five times a year for at least a week.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I seriously applaud you! So many women take this kind of crap and never have the guts to stand up for themselves.
Playing nice sucks! Your husband and parents will most likely call you difficult. They are upset the house is a mess? They can clean it themselves! You are not the maid and you were not put on this earth to ensure everyone has a lovely time but you.
YOU are the one that has to take of the aftermath. If your husband and his parents can’t understand that children need routine and boundaries, you are in for a rough ride. Hopefully, you’ve made it well known that you won’t stand for that type of crap.” Money_Engineering_59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like everyone’s expectation is that when things get tough, you’ll step in and pick up the slack, and they don’t have to. It also seems like your husband would rather do anything than stand up to his parents.
You made your position clear. When your requirements weren’t met, you solved the problem yourself. When that proved unpalatable, you brought the kids back and said ‘I’m done, you solve it’. The fact that this is impacting your husband’s job is unfortunate, but is something he should have anticipated when he completely ignored your warnings and concerns.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“This is the way.
Seriously though your husband needed to learn the importance of boundaries and structure. You tried telling him, but he wouldn’t listen – clearly, he’s an experiential learner, and you’re very kind to provide him with this valuable learning opportunity.
He needs to show you that he understands and is committed to his share of the responsibility.
If his parents need to come for weeks at a time (presumably due to their travel time?) then it can’t be treated as a holiday for the kids – it’s too long during term time for that.
Everyone needs to understand that and be on board – and if his parents won’t play ball then, as their son, he should be the enforcer, not you.
NTJ” lemlemsx
17. AITJ For Not Being Too Supportive Of My Wife's Accomplishment?
“My (28M) wife (26F) and I have been married for close to 7 years.
We currently have five kids together – 6M, 4M, and 3F and my wife gave birth to fraternal twins (son and daughter) a year and a half ago.
My wife intended to graduate high school the year we got married but life got in the way. My dad had given me an investor relations type of role at his company so we were traveling a lot and then after that, our kids needed our attention.
After our twins were born my wife was bedridden for longer than we and even the doctors expected. Since we had to hire extra hands to do the childcare tasks that involved mobility my wife had some time on her hands.
Her mother told her that her friend who proctors at a testing center said that they give GED tests basically every week (at least across the state of Idaho) and that she should dust off her general education knowledge.
She started browsing her laptop and decided to enroll in a GED prep class online.
It seems she was better at self-paced learning than classroom learning because the stuff they were testing her on came way easier to her now than it did then even though she’s been away from structured classroom instruction for many years now.
Even after she was back on her feet, she’d be studying for it after she dropped the older two off at their respective schools. I would see what she was studying and it looked pretty rudimentary and I knew that getting a GED basically means nothing and that she probably wouldn’t be able to apply it to anything career-wise or commit full-time to community college, where I doubt the job prospects for students are that great right now either.
So my wife ended up taking the test and the other day she bounded into the room and said ‘Yes! I passed, I passed!’
I knew she would since she was doing well on the practice tests and the GED consistently tests on the same rudimentary topics.
I did not gripe at her but merely nodded at her and went back to answering an important email from a client.
My wife seemed to get upset and I asked her what was wrong. She said I didn’t seem that excited and I said that it was great that she passed but I have been telling her that it was easy and no big deal, but if she needed something to prove to herself she knew the high school concepts, I guess the money was well spent.
She got even more upset and said she worked very hard and this was the essential building block to being able to start a career.
AITJ? My wife passed her GED test, but she wasn’t exactly graduating from college and wouldn’t be for at least 15 years.
I just didn’t see any immediate applicability to her test but I am glad she had something to challenge her while she was coming off being unable to fully care for the kids.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘I have been telling her that it was easy and no big deal, but if she needed something to prove to herself she knew the high school concepts, I guess the money was well spent.’
She was excited about something she did and you said it was ‘easy and no big deal.’ It doesn’t matter whether you think it is easy or important. She is proud of it. Try being supportive instead of taking her down.
Also, for god’s sake, she has sacrificed a ton for the family. It sounds like she put her personal goals on hold, and took a serious blow to her health for the sake of having your guys’ children.
Did she want to give up on a career? Why did you two choose to have babies right away instead of waiting for her to finish college?
Now she is taking the first steps to start pursuing what she wants to do for herself, and you demean her.
‘life got in the way’
Your life got in her way. She didn’t need to go traveling with you. She could have stayed and finished her degree back when she was 19.
Look if she freely chose to make those sacrifices that are fine.
But the least you can do is appreciate how far she has gone to support your relationship, and not criticize her for trying to recover some of what she lost.” SilasRhodes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Would it have killed you to show at least a little excitement for her?
She gave up her life to grow, birth, and raise YOUR children and now she’s finally done something for herself. That deserves more than just a nod at her. Jeez, you sound insufferable.
‘I knew that getting a GED basically means nothing and that she probably wouldn’t be able to apply it to anything career-wise, or commit full-time to community college, where I doubt the job prospects for students are that great right now either.’
You also clearly lack knowledge yourself. A GED means she can apply to college, which is a lot. It also means her overall job prospects are better because most retail establishments require at least an HS/GED diploma.
Which means she can get a job and get away from your sorry butt. Even if she can’t commit to community college full-time right now, that doesn’t mean she can’t go part-time or take online classes.
Depending on what field she may want to go into, job prospects can be good. Perhaps you need some education yourself.” litt3lli0n
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife has been pregnant for basically every single year since you got together.
She got married at a young age and became a mother shortly after. I think it’s wonderful she decided to get her GED when the ‘easier’ option would just be to continue living without it.
She put in the work to earn something for herself and clearly has career goals that you never cared to ask her about.
You had a decent job handed to you due to your father’s position and then you have the nerve to say her GED is pointless when it is literally the basic requirement for almost any job you can get as an adult.” mareloquent
16. AITJ For Fixing The Broken Pipe?
“Our hot water line started leaking late Friday night. I (29F) worked all weekend. My husband was home with our 2-year-old while I was working. He worked on calling companies to come out and quote us to fix everything.
Two companies showed up today, one quoted an 8K fix and could do it the next day, and the other was 4K but can’t get to it until Friday. The location of the leak was in a joint of the outgoing hot water pipe off of the water heater.
The two heaters we have, aren’t actually broken but are 15 years old and showing signs of wear and tear. My husband wants to replace everything so we decided we will be getting a tankless water heater.
This entire time, I felt like all we needed to do was fix the outgoing pipe but was fine replacing everything so no further issues down the line.
Today, 3rd day without hot water, I asked again if we could at least just fix the pipe so we could have hot water while waiting for Friday.
My husband flipped. He said I was being privileged, entitled, and impatient and how ridiculous I am that I can’t wait until Friday. I was sick of it so I drove to home depot, asked a worker, got the proper parts, and repaired the pipe in less than an hour including my time at home depot.
Everything is functioning well, with no leaks and lovely hot water flowing. I even put a water alarm next to the water heaters just in case.
For context, within the last month, our basement flooded due to a storm, had a solar issue, had an outdoor gas leak, we have a 3k repair for his truck needed and will have to pay 5k in taxes.
We have a ton of unexpected expenses all happening at once. I know he is stressed and feeling inadequate but he is so mad that I fixed that dang pipe myself. Am I in the wrong?
Am I privileged for simply wanting some hot water?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ all the way!
Going to a tankless system may be ideal for you, but that doesn’t solve the immediate problem of no hot water.
You got the information and parts needed to get the problem resolved and did it. Hubby is just jealous that you did it.
This fix will allow you to address the bills you are facing right now and hopefully buy you time to get them paid off before the water heater die.” LadyNiko
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; You took care of the problem practically, and did not spend unnecessary money. You did not act entitled, you acted with self-respect and as a mother providing shelter and comfort for your child.
Your husband should feel emasculated and inadequate right now for not taking care of it himself or having the grace to support and respect you in dealing with it for YOUR family.” CarbonS0ul
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is nothing privileged about wanting your water to work properly. I know that a new water heater would avoid issues down the line, but with all of the other expenses you listed, I think it’s smart to fix this one yourself for now and take care of the most urgent things first. He should be thanking you instead of throwing a fit like a child.” allie06nd
15. AITJ For Siding With My Dad's Partner, Not My Mom?
“My parents divorced when I (27F) was younger and ever since there’s been a huge divide between my family. My mom (44F) remarried a year later but my dad (45M) never remarried. He’s been in a few relationships but nothing too serious.
Last year he introduced us to his latest SO, we’ll call her Bessy (42F). My mom wasn’t a fan of Bessy for unknown reasons so whenever there was an event that my dad was needed for (birthdays, graduations, etc) she’d specifically ask that Bessy wasn’t there.
My dad respected this and never brought her to save having arguments. A couple of weeks ago, my sister (22F) announced that she was 2 months pregnant and that her baby shower would be in a couple of weeks from then.
My sister has gotten along with Bessy ever since she met her and there’d never really been any arguments between her and my mom or my dad so she invited all 3 parties and my mom’s new husband.
Everything was fine at the baby shower until the gender was revealed. My sister was going to have a baby boy. We were all over the moon for her because we all knew how much she wanted a son.
Bessy then said she had to get something out of the car and whilst she was gone my mom exploded at my dad. She kept asking why he brought that woman to an event that has nothing to do with her and only referred to Bessy as ‘that woman’ or worse names.
I told my mom that today was my sister’s day and it didn’t matter who was there as long as my sister wanted them to be there. My mom then started crying and saying that I was siding with Bessy even though I’d only known her for around a year and that it wasn’t fair.
I then told her that life wasn’t fair and that she was spoiling my sister’s baby shower.
Bessy came back and she was carrying a cake with her (Bessy is a baker so it wasn’t surprising that she’d brought one).
We all tried to ignore my mom’s outburst but she was still crying so Bessy asked her what was wrong. My sister was in the other room with her fiancée cutting the cake so my mom took it as another opportunity to shout.
She said Bessy had ruined the day by being there and that she was unable to enjoy herself whilst Bessy was there. Bessy tried to defend herself but my mom wouldn’t let her talk. My sister came back in with the cake and before we could react, my mom took the cake out of her hands and threw it at Bessy.
I told my mom she was out of order and that she had gone too far and Bessy didn’t deserve that because she wasn’t doing anything but being nice all day. My mom and her husband then left as well as my dad and Bessy whilst I helped my sister clean up the mess.
When I got home I had multiple missed calls and messages from my mom and her husband telling me that I was being a bad daughter because I was sticking up for somebody who wasn’t even in the family.
she said that id betrayed her and that she didn’t want me to be her daughter anymore. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong but she seems really upset and her husband isn’t helping to calm her down so AITJ?
UPDATE: I messaged my mom earlier today and told her that she had no right to do what she did and that she needed to get therapy and only after then would I talk to her again.
Her husband called me and I was ready for him to have another go at me but he was actually being really nice and said he was thinking of divorcing my mom because of how jealous she was acting.
He apologized to me for both his and her behavior so we’re on good terms now and I’ve blocked my mom on everything and I’ve advised my sister to do the same. A make-up baby shower is happening next week and my mom is not invited!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – explain, very slowly in case it’s difficult for her to grasp – that you weren’t ’sticking up for Bessy’ you were sticking up for your sister and every other guest at the party who was subject to your mother’s selfish outburst. And that she should get therapy to get past this because it’s been years and she needs to get over herself – she obviously has another spouse she gets to say nothing at all about her EX husband’s romantic choices.
The fact is your mother is controlling, tremendously insecure, and extremely self-centered. Not everything is about her issues. Bessy sounds lovely which your dad deserves after having to deal with your selfish mother for goodness knows how long.
NTJ but your mom? Boy howdy do I not envy you and your sibs! Congratulations to your sister/family on the new addition!” Dimension597
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You weren’t choosing sides. You were trying to keep your mother from ruining your sister’s baby shower.
None of her behavior was necessary or justified. Does your mother not realize the absolute hypocrisy of throwing a fit at your dad’s partner being there, when your mom is bringing her HUSBAND?
Bessy sounds sweet.
Your mom sounds unhinged.” feyinbetween
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you hit the nail on the head. The day was about your sister and her pregnancy not your mom’s personal view. Your dad and you and your sister are adults and make decisions independently of your mom.
Yes, she is your mom but your mom obviously needs some therapy to get over herself she clearly thinks she is the most important person in all your lives and therefore can dictate how you live.
If anyone should get an apology it should be your sister and it should come from your mom, she should also apologize to ‘Bessy’. You did the right thing.” clbw
14. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Switch Bedrooms?
“I’m a single dad with 3 kids full time (13f 12f & 9m) I have a 3 bedroom house and tried to make the sleeping arrangements as fair as possible.
I took the smallest room as it’s just me and all I need is a bed and a cupboard, there is basically enough room around my bed to walk. My son gets the one that’s a bit bigger but my girls share the room that is at least 2 times the size of mine.
A while ago my eldest started seeing a psychologist because she was having a really rough time at school and it was causing a few issues elsewhere in her life.
Since then she’s moved schools been working through some stuff with her psychologist and is doing a lot better.
So now she’s focusing more on her home life.
I don’t go and sit in with all of her sessions but I do go in occasionally. Last week was one of them. She’s been complaining about not having her own space and her sister annoying her.
The psych’s solution was that she gets my room and I share it with my 12-year-old. I certainly didn’t commit to that but just let them talk it through.
Get home and my 13-year-old starts packing up her stuff, the sister asks what she’s doing and she explains that she and I are swapping rooms. Needless to say, the 12-year-old gets a bit mad at that.
I tell my eldest that we won’t be swapping rooms and I won’t be sharing a room with one of the kids. She now is claiming I’m the jerk (not in those words) because I ‘promised’ we would in the session with her psych, and I clearly don’t care about her.
I tried to talk about moving her into her brother’s room and the 9-year-old and 12-year-old could share. But that was met with a lot of anger from the 12-year-old who was very against sharing with her brother.
Plus different bedtimes and all that gets harder to work with.
I can’t easily move as selling this place and getting a loan for a new place wouldn’t be easy on a single income, I bought this place when their mum was still around so had two incomes.
So am I the jerk for not sharing a room with my 12-year-old so my eldest could get her own room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need to have a word with the psychologist and think about changing if possible.
I can’t believe the psychologist even thought that was a good idea, let alone told their patient! In my opinion, the best solution would be to partition the girls’ room in some way and possibly have a few sessions with the 12-year-old joining.
Sitting in on a session shouldn’t mean you literally just sit and listen, that is a chance for you to help and participate, ask questions if needed, and contribute when necessary so if you see things that are issues or you understand differently you can work that out with your daughter so there is a more cohesive home life.” married44F
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the therapist is. If the therapist is suggesting that the parent (who is the only adult in the house and pays for the house and all related expenses), shares a room with a 12-year-old boy to allow a 13-year-old girl to have her own room, she is not only the jerk but not being very realistic.
Maybe it is time for a new therapist that will actually have some idea of how a household works. What is the therapist going to suggest if your son starts feeling like he needs his own room after you had to give up your bedroom and move in with him?
Is the therapist going to say you need to sleep on the couch? Therapy can be the difference between an unhappy life and a happy one, but they don’t get to offer suggestions at the expense of others, in a situation where there really isn’t an option to make the change.
Also, where I live, you can lose shared custody if a 12-year-old girl needs to share a room with a member of the opposite gender.” TimelySecretary1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time for a realistic possibly Socratic chat with your oldest. Ask how she’d feel about sharing a room with her dad or brother.
Her sister is not much younger, so even if that solution were viable now, it wouldn’t be in a year, what then? Your job is to keep them fed, housed, clothed, and educated, be fair to all three of them, and meet individual wants as far as you can within that.
This is a want. She’d hardly be the first kid to share a room as a teen. I shared off and on throughout my childhood, because there were N kids and N bedrooms, and one of those went to mom.
So then, we have to do what’s fair.
As you’ve said, you can move, but she should be made to understand that would result in a smaller house, and almost certainly still not enough bedrooms. Or you can work with what you have to try and carve out some privacy, but the two with the most similar needs need to share here.
So… what can you and the girls come up with that’s workable? Turn a dining room into a bedroom? Build a partition in the master? Something else? She’s old enough to learn that resources are finite.
She’s also at a selfish and challenging age – for her and for you. You might have to be the jerk in her eyes for a while, but maybe if you bring her into figuring out a workable solution, (she offers ideas but you decide), she will at least know you’re hearing her.” SandboxUniverse
13. AITJ For Telling My Pregnant Sister To Go To The Grocery Store By Herself?
“My older sister (f18) is pregnant, she’s seven months in. She lives with us still (my parents and my younger brother) because she’s going to be a single mother, her partner left her when he found out she was pregnant.
For that she thinks that we have to help her with everything, suddenly you can’t even ask her to wash the dishes because you’re a jerk.
Yesterday she was feeling bad, she’s been feeling like that lately and the doctors said she should rest and the pain will go away.
My sister has always been a drama queen so I can’t even guarantee that she’s feeling that bad or she’s actually overreacting. She was lying on the couch in the living room watching TV when she saw me she said ‘Meg go to the pharmacy and buy this medicine (she was handing me a paper and some money) and go to the grocery store to buy some ice cream and onion chips’.
I told her ‘no, I have to do something else’ because I was heading off to meet my friends. She then again told me to buy her stuff, came back, and then go meet with them.
I told them, ‘get lost. You can go yourself if you need it that much’. She told me she can’t because mom took the car, I told her to walk. She then started insulting me but I left without paying attention.
When I came back she has already made up a big drama about how I insulted her and refused to buy her medicine for our parents. They grounded me which sucks but what stood out for me was that she said she can have a miscarriage if she doesn’t take that medicine which made me feel very guilty.
My friends think I was in the right and so does my brother but my parents wouldn’t have reacted like that if she was wrong, right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she can have a miscarriage if she doesn’t get the medicine, why is she not planning ahead?
I get being pregnant is pretty hard and you may have to rely on others more than you’re used to. It’d also be great to help her out occasionally too.
However, it is not your responsibility to buy her medicine, ice cream, and chips whenever she feels like it.
She can and should plan ahead, and ask nicely if she’s trying to get someone else (who is not responsible for these things) to help.
What happens when she runs out of diapers? What happens when she runs out of formula?
Not your responsibility. She made choices to end up here. Sounds like you have no other choices in this situation. Feels unfair. I’d ask your parents what your expectations are for you to help with an adult sibling you’re not responsible for.
Get that convo out of the way now or you’re doing to be stuck buying her diapers and wipes whenever she forgets.” SeApps63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Being pregnant is not a license to treat others like personal servants.
Yes, we can go out of our way to accommodate a bit because we can see they are uncomfortable (to put it mildly), vulnerable, hormonal, etc. That does not mean ‘drop everything to be at their beck and call’.
She asked you said no. That’s reasonable. Everything after that was her being a jerk. I’m sorry to hear your parents bought into her embellished story and treated you like a jerk as well, they suck for that.
Keep a firm boundary – I’m not saying don’t do anything nice for your sister, but do it when you want and how you want (otherwise it’s not being nice, is it?).” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are a child. It is not your responsibility to take care of your pregnant sister. If she needed this medication and couldn’t get it herself, then she should have asked your parents to get it for her.
You need to sit down with your parents and have a very serious discussion about what is going to happen when this baby is born. It is great that they want to house and support your sister and her child.
But whether you want to help is YOUR choice. If needed, say this to your parents:
“If I wanted to spend my teenage years taking care of a baby then I would have one of my own.”” Forward_Squirrel8879
12. AITJ For Using My Fiancé's Card To Buy My Aunt A Bag?
“I use my fiancé’s card to cover all of my expenses as I stopped working after I had our baby/we got engaged. He’s never cared about what I’ve spent money on in the past and always reminds me that I can buy whatever I want so I didn’t think it would be an issue for me to buy my aunt a designer bag to celebrate her 50th birthday but it is.
He’s upset because I bought the bag for my aunt but he thinks I try not to use his money on myself which is sort of true. The bag is the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought with his money and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for her for a long time and that I was saving for before I stopped working.
The way he said I was quick to use his money on other people really upset me so I told him I would send it back but he told me not to because that wasn’t his point.
I’ve been angry at him for the last few days and we keep arguing which hasn’t been fun. During one argument I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain but he keeps saying I’m intentionally misunderstanding him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, but YTJ. Your fiancé is supporting you and your child. While he has no problems with you spending money on things you want and need, I can see why he is upset about you spending more on a bag for your aunt than you have on yourself, ever.
You should’ve at least involved him in the decision. I’m not sure what your relationship with your aunt is like but I imagine you’re close to her. So I’m sure your fiancé would’ve said okay. However, you really should have asked him before spending so much on someone else.” cuckoobird93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘During one argument I told him I would use all of his money and then he would have a real reason to complain’ – see when you say stuff like that you sound like a spoiled teenager yelling at Daddy before you flounce into your room & slam the door.
You are an adult who’s about to get married, and you have a child – you need to start communicating like a grown-up with your fiance’ PRIOR to big purchases.
Personally, I think ‘designer’ anything is a huge waste of money but I understand if this is something your Aunt’s always wanted, would never buy for herself, and 50 is a ‘big!’ birthday.
You started saving before you quit your job – it sounds like had you talked with your fiance’ about this before you took it upon yourself to spend HIS money it may have worked out.
Your fiance’ is carrying all the financial weight for the 3 of you.
There’s a big difference between You spending your family money (the money HE is making) on yourself, the baby, him & your home vs extended family and friends.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The fact that you say ‘designer bag’ but don’t list the cost here, means that it is a lot of money, not only more than you ever spend on yourself, but likely more than you normally put on his card in a month.
You also say you were ‘saving up’ for it but don’t say what you did with those savings, or what percentage of the purchase they would have covered. If you had $20 saved up for a $3000 bag, that doesn’t count for much.
For any purchase that large, you should at least give a heads-up to your financial partner.” 1962Michael
11. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Hide Food From My Dad?
“My parents are originally from Mexico and my Dad in particular grew up in rural poverty. He’s really had to work for everything he has. Growing up, he was always very insistent that if an item is in the kitchen, then it was for anyone to eat, especially him.
This has caused several issues with making food for company and family, because even when a note is placed on a cake or food item that is meant to be eaten later, and for multiple people, he will not care and eat it.
And he will eat more than his fair share of it.
Even if he’s already eaten dinner, let’s say, and you come over late with take-out to quickly eat, he will glare at you because he’s expecting something extra from you.
It seriously bothers him to watch others eat except him. It’s a psychological thing brought on by poverty, I’m sure of it.
So my husband and I go to a bakery for some coffee. We note they have some nice bread for breakfast. So we get a croissant and pan roll.
I tell my husband if he wants to eat his whole croissant, then buy my Dad another one to make sure he has one, or hide the one he bought for himself. I know my Mom is going to make my Dad a big breakfast. But it doesn’t matter.
If it’s in the kitchen it’s fair game, even if we label it.
My husband said I was exaggerating and that he didn’t need to hide his food or get another croissant just for him. Sure enough, come morning time, the croissant is already half eaten and I can see the look of utter annoyance on my husband’s face.
My Dad is laughing like hey, it’s in the kitchen, whatever is out is mine. I told my Dad he’s rude, it’s not an endearing quality about him, and that I was absolutely right food should either be hidden from him or another one should be purchased even though his huge breakfast was ready for him and we can’t have something without him having it as well.
My Mom said I was being a jerk to my Dad and that I should just always buy extra for my Dad. It just made me mad that he’s the only one who does this and we always have to tiptoe around him with food.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forewarned is forearmed. Your husband didn’t believe you. Now he does. Does that make your father’s behavior acceptable or make it acceptable for people to accommodate him this way? No, but the food insecurity he experienced as a child has evolved into a lifetime of bad habits reinforced by the people around him.
He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to and, on some level, he already knows he doesn’t have to change. Unless you and your husband are going to uninvite your parents from your home and force them to stay elsewhere when they visit, your husband will either be added to the list of people accommodating your father or your husband will use this issue to pick fights with your father that nobody wins.
Consider a mini fridge with a lock and or a storage container with a lock for when your parents visit, with the understanding that anything not locked away is fair game. Is it right? No, but you have a choice between being right or having peace in your home.” User
Another User Comments:
“Your dad sounds like the jerk. That’s insanely entitled and he absolutely knows what he’s doing.
How often is your dad going around buying extras for others? Not often, I’d bet. Sounds like a ‘rules for thee, not for me’ situation.
I know and have known a lot of people from impoverished backgrounds or that are actively impoverished right now, and they don’t share that mentality at all. Being in poverty doesn’t mean you’re more entitled to what others have, or that you begrudge others for having things you don’t (and, again, your dad is no longer in poverty but seems to be weaponizing it… which is actually kind of gross).
Lots of people have had to work for everything they have. Operative words being ‘work for it.’ Taking things from others just because you want to is not admirable or justifiable.” Embarrassed_Error_18
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for warning your husband, but soft YTJ on you/your mom for enabling your dad to be like this. It’s not because he grew up in poverty. Millions of people, myself included, grew up in abject poverty and don’t do things like this.
At all. This is him knowing none of you will enforce these boundaries on him and there are zero repercussions for him for doing it.
And sorry but like… the people I know who do have food issues lingering with them from living in poverty, they’re not gluttonous.
They’re more invested in making sure their family, especially their children and young ones, are getting enough to eat. Your dad is just the jerk here.” RirisaurusRex
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Why? YTJ for not telling off your dad.
Repeatedly.
Your dad is the jerk for his behavior.
And this is NOT leftover from poverty.
Psychological traces of someone that grew up in poverty like I did are more along the lines of being afraid to run out and NOT taking things just because they’re there.
Granted, we have less ability to delay gratification, because it might disappear any second and then we have to go without.
But it doesn’t lead to expecting every bit of food to be fair game because we learn early on that food has to be rationed.
This sounds more like sexist ‘I’m the man and what I say goes, and everything belongs to me, whether in my own home or visiting.’
And his behavior is rude and entitled.
And your mom is the jerk for not standing up to him and making him behave, too.” leannmanderson
10. AITJ For Telling My Wife And Kids To Take Care Of Their Dog?
“Three years ago my wife and kids wore me down and I agreed to let them get a dog. I am not a dog person. They seem like very fine people but they are just not for me.
The deal was that I wouldn’t have to walk it or clean up after it and that they would take care of it.
It went fine for about a year and a half. But once the thing was out of its puppy phase they lost most interest.
So for about two years now I have been walking it because it needs exercise. I have to buy it food because my wife forgets. I have to walk around the backyard before I mow to make sure I’m not going to run over its turds.
I’m done. I came home yesterday and it had chewed up a pair of my shoes.
I waited until dinner and then I laid down the law. The poor thing is going stir-crazy. It is used to getting their attention and stuff all the time because of the global crisis.
Now that they can do other stuff they are ignoring it. It isn’t fair to the dog and it isn’t fair to me.
I said that if they didn’t have time to walk it they could play with it in the backyard.
But that if I found any turds back there that I was hiring a service to keep the yard clean but the money was coming out of their allowances or the house budget. I said I wasn’t buying any more food.
If there was no food and the dog wasn’t fed I would be hiring someone to watch the dog and once again they would be paying for it.
They got upset with me because the dog likes me and it’s obviously my dog.
Of course, the thing likes me, I take care of it, which I don’t want to do.
So I brought out our agreement which I made them all sign. Not my responsibility. I said they had three choices.
Take care of the dog, rehome the dog, or pay someone else to take care of the dog.
They all think I’m being too harsh but I don’t think so. I didn’t want it in the first place.
I’ve already checked with a friend of mine. She likes dogs and has agreed to take it if my family cannot follow through.
My wife says that I’m being a jerk with this ultimatum. I think it’s fair.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please bring the dog to your friend.
A dog is a responsibility and they can’t just toss it like an unlived toy because it’s not ‘new’ (a puppy) anymore.
The dog is a living soul with feelings.
You have the best interest of the dog so rehome it to your friend.
Your family pestered you to get it and you made a compromise you buy the dog if they care for it. But they didn’t follow through after 1 ½ years.
You took care of the dog like a very great person, even if you did not want to, but due to you being sometimes away for 24h of what I read… the poor thing doesn’t get proper care and you want the best for the dog.
You are NTJ.” Reaper_Night_93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not an ultimatum, it’s a discussion of the consequences of their breaking the agreement about getting a dog. It’s great for your wife to frame this as some dramatic ‘ultimatum’ because that sounds like you’ve done something wrong.
Instead, what this really is, is a bunch of people who are happy to have a dog so long as they have no responsibility. Do they really ‘love’ the dog if when asked to care for it or lose it they simply get upset with you?
It would have been so easy for your wife to step in and say ‘we are keeping the dog, so let’s come up with a schedule to walk the dog, alternate weekly cleaning up the background, and I’ll buy the food.’
See how easy that was? Well, the only thing easier is to complain without action, which is what your family is trying to do here. Just repeat to them – if they ‘love’ the dog, then it should be easy for the 3 of them to split up taking care of the dog.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They agreed to something and went back on it. You called them on it, and then gave them options. I would have said YTJ if you just threw down the gauntlet and said ‘The dog is out’, but you didn’t.
You came up with 3 options and a choice for them. Though I worry for you that your wife is squirming out of this and trying to put responsibilities on you that the kids agreed to. That is a major major problem that you and your wife are not in sync on this.
I would say this is something you need to get in sync with your wife about privately and then take to the kids. Needs to be a united front. The fact they ‘got upset with me because the dog likes me and it’s obviously my dog.’ shows they are all trying to manipulate you.
Want to get through to them. Divide them.
A dog is a responsibility. If they didn’t want it, they shouldn’t have asked for it. Your wife may not see it, but she is teaching them to shirk responsibility.” RobotMustache
9. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Pick Up Dog Poo?
“My (43F) husband (41M) and I are in the thick of it with three kids (6, 4, 6mo), 2 dogs (that I wanted), and an assortment of lizards, snakes, fish, etc that are his pets.
When he agreed we could get a dog it was with the caveat that I would pick up after the dog(s).
Which I have done for the 3+ years we have had them (even when 9 months pregnant in the summer).
Tonight, I came home from an urgent care appointment for myself around the time when my kids would normally all be going to bed. I needed to nurse the baby and put him down, and help my husband put the 6 and 4 down as well (because he skips things like teeth brushing, books, and pajamas if I don’t).
I’m obviously not feeling well (sinus infection) and walked in to find that one of the dogs clearly had a stomach issue sometime during the day. There was poop on the floor of the nursery and the floor of the room, the big kids share.
The baby was crying because he was hungry. Bedtime needed to be started. The kids cannot go to sleep in rooms with poop in them.
His solution was to just have everyone sleep in our room until I could get to the poop cleanup because he absolutely was not doing it.
I pretty much begged, saying that I’m sick and I need to feed the baby and that’s something he can’t do, and can’t he just help me out this once?
He refused, saying it makes him sick, and he didn’t want the dogs in the first place because he was done cleaning up after pets.
I ended up putting the baby down and letting him fuss while I picked up poop, flushed it, and wiped the carpets in a cursory clean-up before nursing the baby and putting everyone to bed an hour later than normal.
Was I wrong to ask for help even though he did explicitly say he wasn’t cleaning up after the dogs? Or is this something a good partner would have done without throwing some 3-year-old agreement in my face when our lives have changed significantly (a third baby) since it was made?
EDITING TO ADD: I love my dogs. I work from home and take care of them all day, letting them in and out, giving good boy/girl treats, going for walks, picking up after them, getting them to their annual appointments, grooming appointments, dosing heartworm, and flea medicine timely, and giving them pets/snuggles quite regularly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you cleaning up the dog poop applies as a general rule. A sick dog having an accident (or two) in the house is a completely different situation from the norm. He should have been taking care of the kids while you were gone and that includes cleaning up any sick dog messes that happen in the house.
His leaving the kids exposed to dog poop that was soaking into carpets is inexcusable. He’s doubly in the wrong here because he not only left a hazard sitting on carpets, but he wouldn’t clean it up while you needed to nurse the baby, which obviously isn’t something that he’s physically capable of doing.
He agreed to have the dogs which means that sometimes in emergencies he will have to help clean up after them, especially when they get sick, and just pointing at the agreement made before you got the dogs isn’t reasonable.
Also, why isn’t he changing his fair share of diapers either? He’s phoning in bedtime prep too. This is also before I get to him insisting that his wife clean up after the dogs in the yard up until delivery in heat levels that are dangerous even for people who aren’t heavily pregnant.
If you had to do all the yard cleanup immediately postpartum I’m even more horrified than I was at first. We have some pet care agreements in our house too.
After our last dog passed away things were a bit hectic.
The kids swore that they would take care of a new puppy and we’ve held them to that, same thing with yet another dumped kitten that we took in and kept. That doesn’t mean that we’ve held the kids to that promise constantly, no matter the circumstances.
When one kid had surgery they got a break, obviously, and siblings or parents filled in while they recovered. When a child had a sinus infection they got a break from pet care while they recovered too, etc. General agreements about pet care shouldn’t be treated like insurance company paperwork where the first goal is to weasel out of anything you can justify not doing.
You’re a family, not people in a business contract and he should be helping out when there’s a need, and you shouldn’t even have to ask when you’re sick and the baby needs you.” Agreeable_Doubt_4504
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You shouldn’t have got pets under this arrangement – it always sounds like a good compromise, but it never works in the long term because there are always moments like this, where the pet partner has an unexpected need for help (is ill/snowed under with work/etc.) and the non-pet partner has to choose to either cave and negate their agreement, or stand on their principles and be a bad partner.
That said, there’s a second issue here, which is that your partner is not parenting properly, meaning that you are unable to split jobs and hand the kids to him whilst you take care of the dog emergency.
The baby should have been fed while you were at the doctor’s, not getting more and more distressed. Your husband should be able to put the kids to bed properly without your supervision – toothbrushing and PJs are not optional extras, and neither are books if the kids need them to go to sleep – and this time in particular, he should have got the toothbrushing and PJs sorted before you got home, knowing that you were sick and would need to clean up the doggy accident.
Furthermore, while I accept that he shouldn’t have to clean up dog poop, he should be invested in getting his children’s rooms clean enough to sleep in, rather than focusing on making you experience the consequences of your actions.
At a bare minimum, once you’ve got the majority of the muck gone, he should be able to go fetch your pet enzyme spray (I do hope you have some – amazing stuff!) and give the carpet a good saturation.
Thirdly, the dogs shouldn’t be wandering through the kids’ room and the nursery during the day when no one’s around. You’ve just found out why. Close the doors. Get a child lock if necessary. You don’t need accidents where the kids are sleeping/playing.” Normal-Height-8577
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your husband can take care of all his pets, then he can be competent enough to take care of his own kids properly.
He is practicing weaponized incompetence. He knows all the things the kids need at bedtime.
He just chooses not to so you will take over. He is a jerk. If he took care of the kids, you would have time to pick up poop and feed the baby.
I do all the care for our dogs because I want them.
My husband would prefer no pets but he knows that will never happen. But when I can’t do something because I’m sick or something, he helps out without complaining. Because adults take care of each other.
You have a husband problem and he doesn’t respect you.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your husband was super clear he’s never dealing with dog poop. Sucks that you had to while overwhelmed, but it’s literally what you signed up for over his objections to getting the dog.
Your idea that it’s ‘a three-year-old agreement’ is trash – dogs are much longer than a 3-year commitment and you knew that going in. You signed up for him not dealing with dog poop from these dogs ever.
That being said, the fact that he can’t get the 6 and 4-year-old around for bed and skips toothbrushing and pajamas is a serious problem. A very, very serious problem. Both parents should be fully capable of doing bedtime, and in this instance, he should’ve taken care of that while you handled the poop.
Have the two of you talked about the bedtime routine and agreed on what it should look like? Outside of the dogs, does he generally pull his weight? It feels like he might not be, and that’s definitely a valid thing to need him to fix.” OrganicFrost
8. AITJ For Not Getting My Stepdaughter Picked Up From School?
“My husband has a daughter with another woman who was conceived during a time when our relationship was open. We only found out about her when my stepdaughter was 3 and her mother has been a headache to deal with from the start.
She’s even gone so far as to encourage my stepdaughter to behave badly whenever she’s at ours.
We have her one weekend a month but my husband was going to be away on a business trip when she was supposed to be with us.
I decided it would be for the best if my stepdaughter stayed with her mother instead of with me while my husband was gone for several reasons. Her behavior is a lot worse whenever my husband isn’t around as she doesn’t think she has to listen to me and she’s extremely rude to our nanny.
She and our oldest constantly fight which isn’t something I wanted to deal with. Lastly, her mother has made it clear in the past that she doesn’t want her daughter left alone with me so I thought this was the perfect solution that would keep everybody happy.
My husband was fine with it and he informed my step-daughter’s mother. That Friday, I only asked our nanny to collect my son from school as I assumed her mother would collect her since she would be staying with her.
She wasn’t picked up on time and her mother called me furious that we left her there. She tried to make me go and collect her but I refused so now she’s accusing me of trying to isolate her daughter from her siblings, and of being a nasty stepmother.
She couldn’t get into contact with my husband so she called his family to try to make me look bad and to force me to take my stepdaughter during my husband’s time with her even though he wasn’t there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You definitely shouldn’t have your husband’s child when he’s not around when the child has expressed that they don’t like you, and her mother is uncomfortable with it.
It’s also not your responsibility to sort out pick-up arrangements for a child that isn’t yours.
Your husband is a jerk for not making the time to see his daughter – one weekend a month isn’t difficult – and for not clearly communicating his plans to baby mama.
Baby mama might be a jerk if she engineered this situation to try and force you to take the daughter if she didn’t want to cancel alternative weekend plans she’d made thinking it was your husband’s weekend.
If it was an honest miscommunication then that fault lies at your husband’s door.” aurora-leigh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you informed her and you are admitting difficulties with the kidlet. Yes, families are supposed to blend, but when one child refuses to acknowledge a step-parent as an authority person that’s a big problem.
Mom should be talking to her daughter to behave, and dad should also be telling kidlet the behavior is unacceptable. Maybe in the future, the behavior will correct but right now you cannot force it it will make kidlet hate you.
I don’t see any isolating behavior at this point your making certain nothing happens to cause isolation.” drownigfishy
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like maybe your husband didn’t fully communicate with the other mother about you two not taking the daughter that weekend.
It sounds like the mother was still under the impression that her daughter was going to your house that weekend.
You are NTJ for suggesting the daughter not come when your husband was not there, given the feelings of everyone and the difficulties you have with her.
However, if the other mother was unable to pick up the daughter due to miscommunication, and not just unwilling then YWBTJ if you refused to help out during that crisis. Nobody wants a child to be sitting at school after hours, not being collected, as it’s a potential safety issue.” newfriend836639
7. AITJ For Keeping The Dog?
“Growing up I always wanted a dog but our apartment complex didn’t allow them, then thanks to finances and situations it didn’t quite pan out in adulthood either.
Now that we have a bigger house and the kids are older (14 and 8) wife and I have decided now is the time. We got the kids a dog for Christmas.
The only problem is my younger daughter doesn’t like the dog at all.
We thought she needed time to adjust but even now she recoils if the dog comes near her, she doesn’t pet him or even talk to him, and she doesn’t want to take part in caring for him as part of her chores.
My older daughter is good with walking him because she runs after school anyway but even she can’t get her sister interested in helping be a dog parent.
My younger daughter outright says she wishes the dog would go away.
My wife and I had a discussion and decided this won’t be an option. Her main complaint is that the dog is too loud and has chewed up her toys. I understand where she is coming from but the dog is just a puppy so obviously, it will not be doing that forever.
We don’t want her to be unhappy, but the rest of the family likes the dog and we’re sure she will get used to it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for keeping the dog.
You’re the jerk for continually trying to make your younger daughter get involved in caring for a dog she doesn’t want, forcing her to be around the dog when she is literally recoiling from it, and allowing a puppy to be unsupervised so that it even had the opportunity to chew up her toys.
You wanted this dog, not your daughter. So take responsibility for it. And she deserves comfortable in her own home so make sure she has space to get away from the dog. It should not be allowed in her room, for example.
And if the puppy isn’t already in training classes, it should be.” strikingfirefly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You know this is a puppy! That you got for YOURSELF, not your kids. And your passion is not the responsibility of your children… And your passion is not a chore for your kids to take on.
You wanted a dog, you care for the dog. Stop making this dog everyone else’s job.
Also, getting a puppy means educating your kids about puppy-proofing your house and also puppy proofing your house. Clearly, you haven’t done that if your puppy has free range, isn’t being monitored, and is constantly destroying your youngest things…
And if you don’t actively train your puppy and make sure it has ample chews, toys, exercise, and restricted space access, and training around barking it absolutely will destroy things and bark forever. This is not a problem with your kid.
This is a problem with you shirking your responsibilities. You’re a jerk.
If you want to keep the dog you got yourself… You need to care for the dog. Leave your kid who hates the dog out of it.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re forcing this dog on a child that doesn’t want one. To top this off, you haven’t been able to care for the dog enough YOURSELVES to keep it from EATING HER TOYS.
I know it’s a puppy, but that’s no excuse. Gastrointestinal foreign bodies are dangerous and expensive. And don’t pawn your decision to get this dog off on your kids, since you obviously did not discuss the new pet with them whatsoever.
Your child has the right to say she wants nothing to do with the dog. Your child has the right to have you, the adults, ensure the said dog does not eat her belongings. Do better by both your kid and this poor pup.” ItsStrib1978
6. AITJ For Insisting On Picking Up My Kids?
“I have four kids from prior relationships, and my wife has one. She has full custody of her son, but I have two of my kids here full-time and on weekends for the other two. My wife gave birth on Wednesday and came home from the hospital on Thursday.
The kids and I have been doing our best to keep the house as quiet and relaxing for her as possible.
On Friday she asked me not to pick my youngest kids up because she feels the house is already unbearable with three kids, and five is too much.
I told her she knows that isn’t possible. That’s not how custody agreements work. Besides, how would that make my kids feel? She said she just gave birth, so her feelings are important. I said I’m not flaking on my kids, so we need to figure something else out.
Friday when it was time for me to pick up all the kids my wife was napping. I didn’t want to potentially wake her, so I told my oldest (he’s 19) to hold the baby until I got back.
When I got back with all the kids, my oldest and wife were screaming at each other. The best I can tell is that she woke up and went looking for me, my son told her where I went, she called me a thoughtless jerk, my son called her a hateful witch, and then they started screaming at each other.
I got the kids to all go outside for a bit while I talked to my wife. She said I was an unbelievably selfish jerk that couldn’t even give her a break for one weekend. She said none of this would have happened if I hadn’t insisted on picking up my younger kids.
She said she wanted my oldest to leave, but I said that wasn’t an option.
She locked herself in our room. I get that childbirth is harder than I’ll ever know and she’s exhausted, but I don’t feel like what she asked for is something I can give.
Was I a jerk for insisting on getting my kids?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I understand that she just gave birth and that she is exhausted and overwhelmed. But she does not get to pick and choose when you are a father to ANY of your children, and PARTICULARLY not so you can prioritize her as an adult.
You were correct that that is not how custody agreements work, but more importantly, that’s not how parenting works.
If she could not handle being a parent/stepparent to a household with five children under even the most stressful of circumstances, then she should not have married a man who had four kids as a woman who had one of her own, and she CERTAINLY shouldn’t have gone and had another one.
You also mention that it was, in fact, your YOUNGEST children whom you were picking up for a custodial time, which makes this even more horrifying. That your youngest kids from your previous relationship already get the least amount of time with you and she wants to shunt them aside now when they are inconvenient is hugely problematic… and is only going to get worse as your new baby grows and becomes more active and needy.
You absolutely need to reiterate to her that NO CHILD in this blended family should or shall be prioritized over any other and that she does not get to deprive any child of parental time because she feels like there are too many of them.
Again, that’s not how family works. You do not temporarily rid yourself of a few kids because they are inconvenient.
You are NTJ, but wow is this going to be a problem, because you just had a SIXTH CHILD with a woman who genuinely believes that it’s okay to shove your other young children out the door for her personal comfort.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Here’s why.
You are NTJ for abiding by your custody arrangements and not trying to flake at short notice. It’s absolutely unreasonable to bail on your kids like that with only a short amount of time to give notice.
You ARE the jerk, as is your partner, for not making plans in advance to give birth to provide an atmosphere as relaxing & most conducive to recovering during a traumatic & exhausting period.
I think you should have had ALL your other kids at alternative arrangements if possible for a week or so while you settled in, got into a routine and your wife recovered. The time to do that was about 3-6 months prior to giving birth.
Let the other kids know why plan for the time they’ll all get to meet their new sibling.
Frankly, I understand your partner to a point. I can’t think of anything worse than having a house THAT crowded when I’m trying to recover and settle into the newborn routine.
I’m astonished that this didn’t occur to either of you prior to literally a day or so before the kids were due home.” KollantaiKollantai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If this was something she was thinking about then she needed to propose it weeks ago so that you could make a plan with your ex for a change of the weekend and for her to make arrangements if she had plans or needs to go to work.
This was not an emergency. Also, I notice that her own child was not sent away and it sounds like your two at home full-time are older (and helpful). So the ‘three kids’ comment is out of line.
The 19-year-old definitely doesn’t need adult supervision and depending on the age of your other child, they might need it either.” sheramom4
5. WIBTJ If I Sew Straps On A Bridesmaid's Dress?
“I and one of my closest friends are attending a wedding in 3 weeks’ time. It’s been in planning since before 2020, and we wanted to make sure everybody could come together which is why it’s been postponed as long as it has.
I’m going as a guest, but my friend is one of 5 head bridesmaids. The dresses were picked out specially and have already arrived. It’s pertinent to note that these are strapless dresses and everyone is fine with that, except for my friend.
2 months ago she received a diagnosis of cancer and had an emergency double mastectomy and has been going through chemo since. She has always been a wig wearer anyway so if you hadn’t been told you wouldn’t know she had cancer and was going through treatment.
Because of the wedding and also because of her own personal feelings this isn’t widely known information, and she didn’t want to inform the bride and groom because she, in her words, not mine, ‘(doesn’t) want to take attention away from the happy couple on their big day by being the token sick one’.
My views on her telling other people about this are irrelevant, it’s her body, her condition, and ultimately it is her information to tell and I am not in a position to disclose something so sensitive.
Now here comes the clincher… since the mastectomy once the wounds had healed over, she bought basically a big padded bra that gives the impression of having breasts. It’s a convincing, fairly neutral color, but with a strapless dress the top of the bra would be very obvious and were she not to wear the pads the dress wouldn’t… y’know… have anything to hold on to.
So a bit of a double dilemma. This is where I come in – I work with fabric a fair amount for my job and can roughly mimic the embroidery on the dress into two small but functional straps that would hide the arm holes of the padded bra and stay in line with the style of the dress.
I was the one who recommended this, as my friend is adamant she doesn’t want to ruin the mood of the wedding by telling people her situation. Neither of us can decide if we should or not – WIBTJ if I sewed straps onto the dress to allow her time to reveal the diagnosis in her own time?
Or would it cause more questions and upset the bride that I’ve altered the dress?”
Another User Comments:
“Firstly I am so sorry for your friend and you are so nice for helping to find her a solution to make her comfortable and still able to honor her promise to be a bridesmaid.
But YWBTJ if no one told the bride. Blindsiding her on her wedding day with an altered dress is going to be obvious to everyone and may result in a scene. She needs to know and hopefully, she will be completely understanding of it.
Some brides can be bridezillas. But it all needs to come out before the wedding day.
I couldn’t imagine having a relationship with someone where I was close enough to be a bridesmaid but couldn’t tell her about my sickness.” Haylz19
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ and so would you friend for NOT telling the bride the reason for the alteration. I get that your friend values her privacy, but showing up with a dress that’s different than the other bridesmaids’ dresses on the day of the wedding is going to make for a very uncomfortable situation.
She can tell the bride in confidence, but if she chooses not to, you have to step back from the situation. It’s wrong to alter the dress for someone else’s wedding with no explanation. I’m so sorry for what your friend is going through, but she needs to have that conversation.” NorthernLitUp
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you did this without consulting the bride. Brides pick the dresses they want and altering a dress without consulting her is poor form. Your friend needs to tell the bride the dress no longer works for her.
Maybe the dresses can all have straps put on so they match. Showing up on the wedding day with an altered dress will definitely cause an issue and having one dress look different than the other will distract you, which is what your friend is trying to avoid doing in the first place.” throwaway378495
4. AITJ For Going Off At My Husband For Making Our Son Uncomfortable?
“My only child, 11-year-old son, has the schizoid personality disorder and thus doesn’t like being the center of attention.
Yesterday night, we were having a big dinner will all of our families, including my husband’s parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and my own.
Everything was going fine until no one was talking. Naturally, to initiate a conversation, my husband decided to ask my son about school, causing my son to smile awkwardly and look down, not saying anything. He was obviously uncomfortable so I glared at my husband and said it wasn’t important.
We just talked about something else after that, but I couldn’t help but notice my son looking like he was about to cry. However, I never said anything because I knew he wouldn’t like it if I asked him stuff like ‘Are you okay?’ at that time, as everyone’s attention would be on him then.
After everyone left, my son came to me noticeably upset. Teary, he told me that he felt uncomfortable and embarrassed in front of everyone and that he didn’t like it (he never specified what ‘it’ was but I’m sure you understand), so I told him I’d talk to his father.
Later that night, I scolded my husband for making our son feel that way, especially knowing about his disorder, and told him to apologize to him the next day. He told me he was just trying to help him, that I was overreacting, and that it wasn’t a big deal, which made me mad, and we got into a fight, with me calling him a ‘jerk’.
Now he’s ignoring me and demanding an apology.
Am I the jerk?
Update: THE QUESTION WAS NOT THE PROBLEM! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING BASIC QUESTIONS, HOWEVER, MY HUSBAND MADE OUR SON THE CENTER OF ATTENTION AMONGST 10+ PEOPLE!
And, this wasn’t about if I did the right thing confronting my husband, I know I did the right thing, it was about if I went too far calling him a ‘jerk’.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and not helping your child at all. Something so minor as asking your kid how their day was, and encouraging them to step out of their comfort zone and engage with others will only help him.
By you encouraging him to cry to you after the fact and perpetuating the ‘mommy, daddy keeps picking on me’ routine then yelling at your husband after will keep the kid in his shell and tell him he can just cry to you Instead of working through his fears.
Your kid is going to grow up damaged and attached to the government to take care of him after you’re gone… how’s he going to deal with the world on his own if he can’t handle telling his family how his school is going?
Time to stop holding his hand and encourage him to fly.” Delusion2k22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Because in doing so, your husband told on himself. He wasn’t helping your son and he knows it.
He was triggering him for entertainment purposes.
This disorder isn’t like a situation in which the person needs to adapt to the environment. It’s a serious mental illness. If your son isn’t comfortable around people, your husband should have respected that.
But he didn’t. He chose to try to trigger his own son, who is burdened with a seriously difficult mental disorder, to liven up the table conversation.
Shame on him, and good on you for calling him out.
He needs to apologize to his son.” Significant_Rain_386
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for calling your husband names. YTJ for not getting a second opinion because it is unethical to diagnose a child with a personality disorder.
You keep repeating that you are doing what your psychiatrist is telling you to do. You have multiple people who are also qualified telling you that what your psychiatrist is doing is not ethical. And people have been asking about your son’s treatment and you haven’t answered them.
You just repeating there is no cure for schizoid. However, treatment and cure are not the same things. You are very wrong for how you handled this situation and for being purposefully blind to the injustice of your son being unethically diagnosed. Seek help from someone else.” triladrde
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. (Except for the super shy kid)
Dad for not remembering that this is not the moment to spotlight his kid Mum for having a go.
Humans make mistakes, no one is perfect, and the kid is old enough to learn to roll with it.
He can negotiate a signal with his folks/friends that is an ‘I don’t want to talk now’ signal, but he also needs to realize that in a large family setting, he’s going to be asked incredibly normal questions like ‘how is school’ and ‘how is your swimming/baseball going?’.
He needs to learn to navigate the world, and polite non-answers are a perfectly acceptable way through polite questions by caring people.
We teach kids with Autism this stuff, so we can teach pathologically shy kids.
(And I’m not going to flog the ‘are you sure it’s a PD at this age, everyone else has hit that button.)” Particular-Try5584
Social skills are skills that take time and effort to develop, but that have to grow over time. If you had just started learning to play an instrument and had not yet fully mastered Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, would you be comfortable being pushed into the spotlight to play Ode to Joy, without any forewarning and with only the sheet music? Would you want to be given a pop quiz, full of material that had never been covered in class or in the readings? Does cooking a 5-course meal for 10+ people, when you can barely make scrambled eggs, sound appealing? All of these examples, just like social skills, take time and effort to develop. Being forced to do something you are not ready to do, especially in front of other people, causes horrible anxiety. People need to build skills in their own time and not be rushed or forced so far out of their comfort zones.
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Talk About My Disability With Strangers?
“I (34m) am blind in one eye and wear an eye patch.
Weeks ago an older woman at a bar flagged me down while I was sitting with my friends, and asked:
‘What happened to your eye, honey?’
‘I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask strangers that sort of thing.’ Turns back toward the stage from behind me ‘That didn’t really answer my question…’
Turns to reply ‘It wasn’t meant to.’ Turns back.
My friend was absolutely livid at the nerve of this person, and I was none too pleased myself, but I calmed him down so we could try to move on with the evening.
A short while later, a slightly younger woman with her (I’m pretty sure at this point this is her daughter who confronted me): ‘You didn’t have to be a smarty pants!’
My friends immediately piping up and rising from their seats while I stay them with a hand ‘I think I responded very appropriately to the situation.’
‘No, you were a smarty pants.’ And keeps on blustering.
One of my friends gets up and I think he’s going to get in her face, so I shout him down to his seat for his own good, but he just needed some air because he was so worked up, so I apologize and let him go.
To get away from the situation I excused myself from the rest of my friends and got another drink. Apparently, my friend spoke to the manager on duty, and he spoke to the offending party, and I was told they wouldn’t bother me anymore.
I did tell him that I found that unsatisfactory (personally I think they should have been asked to leave), but that I understood that they didn’t want to create a scene.
The woman who initially asked tried (kindly, to her merit) to explain later that she’d had surgery on her eyes or something in the past and was just curious.
I told her I understood, but that I wasn’t there to talk about that. She also kept reaching like she wanted to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, but I put up my hands and said that I must ask her not to touch me.
That was the last of it, and the entire situation left me feeling pretty trashy and uncomfortable.
This past Friday I’m at the same bar, same friends, same karaoke night. We’d had a good night thus far when I feel someone put an arm across my shoulders from my blindside.
I turned to see an older woman I did not recognize, and over the speaker 5 feet behind her I caught something to the effect of: ‘I don’t mean to offend you… my mother is 65 years old… why do you wear the patch?’
‘First of all, please don’t put your hands on me. Secondly, I don’t like discussing it with strangers, now please be on your way.’
Instantly flips, ‘You’re a rude jerk! Screw you!’
I wave her away and she finally returns to her table, still fuming, and I eventually figure out it must be another daughter of the same woman.
I spoke to the owner to make him aware, in case things escalated. My friends were very supportive, but it still sucks.
AITJ? I have other examples of this sort of thing too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t think your responses are inappropriate if they are brusque. Especially when people put their hands on you.
I’m going to imagine you’ve tried all kinds of scripts and you know this is the level you have to be in refusing.
I think people shouldn’t ask these questions to strangers from idle curiosity, but I would be more forgiving to someone who was like, ‘My son is in the hospital after just losing an eye and we want to know how to help him’ or something.
But even then, you don’t have to answer or owe a response at all and you don’t deserve to be yelled at for not giving it.
They’re really over the top in terms of being refused. They really should’ve accepted it.
You did not cause that nonsense at all. Asking is one thing, refusing to hear ‘no’ is a different level.” kaylola
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. It’s your call whether or not you want to talk about your situation with strangers, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
The way those people approached you was so out of line and disrespectful. You handled it like a boss, calmly and professionally. Good call bringing it to the bar owner’s attention too, just in case things got out of hand.
And props to your friends for being supportive.” Express-Analysis9201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I understand that for some people, like myself, asking questions about something that’s confusing to them in some way can help alleviate that confusion, I also recognize that it’s nobody’s business how a disabled person is disabled, and thus know not to get offended if my polite questions are not-so-politely rebuffed (I make a point of not asking about disabilities unless there is an objective need for it, like confirming whether a dog entering a store is a service animal or not).
People need to learn to just mind their own business; it’s not on you to dance around their ignorance with tact and grace.
Yes, there is an objective need to confirm this, and yes, you are allowed to ask questions to confirm it.
The same ADA guidelines that make service animals exempt from rules about animals in businesses also explicitly allow businesses to ask two questions – ‘Is the animal necessary due to a disability?’ and ‘What service is it trained to provide?’ – to verify if an animal is a service animal or not.
The only animals recognized as service animals by the ADA are dogs and miniature ponies, and Emotional Support Animals are very explicitly NOT service animals.” requiemofchaos
2. AITJ For How I Responded To My Wife's "Stupid" Question?
“My (37M) wife (35) asked me if there was ever a situation in which she and our two kids who are 5 and 7 were in danger who would I save first. I told her right from the bat it was a stupid question to ask and I didn’t want to keep talking about but she kept pushing and pushing for an answer so I just said out of instinct I’d save the kids first.
She then got really irritated asking ‘well what about me?’ I reiterated how stupid her question was and that there is literally no point in talking about it but again she wouldn’t shut up about it.
Ultimately I just said to her out of annoyance that in any scenario I’d save the kids first then go back for her and that I hoped she’d do the same considering the kids come first always.
Well, now she’s mad at me over some fake scenario all because I said I’d save the kids over her. She says I’m a jerk for being ‘unfeeling’ and ‘callous’ and that I am belittling her for calling the question stupid and she has gone on the defensive basically saying I’m calling her stupid.
She has been snappy, not really talking to me, and is in general just being argumentative.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife trapped you. Get indignant. Tell her she’s not allowed to ask questions, be told it’s stupid and you don’t want to answer, press for an answer, then get mad about your response to a question you didn’t want to answer in the first place!
Then go off about how selfish she is to try to put herself above your children! That you clearly love her but in a situation where all three are in danger she will understand why she isn’t chosen and she will also have a better chance of protecting or saving herself than your helpless kids.
How selfish of a mother is she to be upset about you saving your kids!
We have a standing rule in this family: the youngest kids get saved first. I tell my older kids, I don’t love you any less and I would lay down my life for you, but if it’s you and the baby walking across the street and you don’t try to save the baby I’ll be disappointed because you can try to save yourself, they’re tiny and dumb and won’t know not to walk in front of the car and you do and can lead them away.
Equally, my husband and I have a rule that you save the kids first and screw me screw you, they’re the priority.” Viscously_Aggressive
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for calling your wife’s question stupid over and over and over again.
Want to know how you could have handled this SO well, passed an easy test, and made things feel harmonious and good?
Instead of getting avoidant and repeatedly calling her question stupid you could have stopped what you were doing, gone over to her, and looked her in the eye.
You could have said ‘wow, this is a really big question. I haven’t fully thought about it. But I do know that no matter what the situation is, I would want to do the best thing I possibly could.
I would always try to save everyone, no matter what. I can’t choose between our kids, of course. I would always try for both.’
If she still brought up herself and saved her, you could have easily just kissed her and said ‘you’re my life partner and the thought of you dying is terrifying.
If it were the other way around I would like for you to save the kids first, then me. What would you prefer I do?’
You could also have easily seen that she was feeling a bit anxious and insecure, and said ‘hey if you ever doubt that you’re a priority to me, don’t do that.
I’m your man and I’ve got your back, always.’
Instead, you literally let this happen. You’re doing things, wrong bro. Figure it out. You’ve got a whole woman and you’re wasting it.” CherryWand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a red flag. Your wife is trying to get you to ‘prove’ that you love her more than your kids. Which is super messed up and childish, not to mention alarming.
Are you sure you should be married to this person who thinks her safety should come before your kids?
Also to entertain this bs hypothetical from a logistical point of view, in an emergency situation, you should help first the people who need the most help.
As an ‘adult,’ your wife is more likely to be able to save herself than kids are. ‘Adult’ is in quotes for a reason. She needs to grow up.” Wild_Butterscotch977
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It isn’t a stupid question though. It opens the discussion for a very real scenario that could possibly happen. Wouldn’t you want to make sure you’re in agreement?
I think she’s more upset by your initial reaction of calling her question stupid.
Why can’t you just answer instead of being defensive and insulting? Most couples with kids have probably had this kind of talk at least once. She likely would have agreed with you on saving the kids if you hadn’t immediately insulted her attempt at a conversation.” Skrb-530
1. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Leaving The Toilet Seat Up?
“I (29F) and my partner (40M) have been living together for about two years now, and he has an awful habit of leaving the toilet seat up, especially at night.
I wake up a couple of times at night to pee thanks to a weak bladder, and every second counts when I’m hustling through the dark and trying not to trip on my cats. Every second counts during the day when I’m trying not to pee myself.
And since the bathroom is RIGHT there, I don’t turn the light on to avoid disturbing him and waking myself up.
It’s pretty dim, but not pitch black, so I can vaguely see where I am relative to everything else.
But so far this year (Feb 2023) I’ve sat in cold water twice. Then I’m wide awake, and my scream of surprise and cold wake HIM up, so we’re both wide awake regardless.
I’ve told him a dozen times or more to put it down, but he just tells me to give it a quick wave to be sure I’m not about to take an impromptu bath.
He has some memory problems due to a childhood accident, so I have a feeling he’s not intentionally leaving it up to mess with me (and why would he, since we both get interrupted sleep when it happens at night?) but it seems like such a simple ask.
So last night I snapped and yelled at him when it happened for the THIRD time. He says I’m being an a*s for yelling and not letting it go because it doesn’t happen ‘that often’.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’d have the same problem if he was putting the toilet seat and the cover all the way down so you don’t get toilet water on everything when you flush/avoid dropping stuff in.
This could be solved with a nightlight or just flipping the switch on instead of trying to race and pee in the dark. I get you’re trying to be courteous but if he’s forgetting and you need light, you need light.
Plus if it’s so dark you can’t even see the toilet properly in the bathroom then you probably need a night light for safety reasons not to trip over one of your cats.” orpheusoxide
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a little bit.
You should never snap at him. The bathroom is for both of you, not just you. My older friend has been seeing someone who is a gentleman and he is 80 years old.
He made a deal with her. Every time she uses the bathroom she puts the seat back up for him. Every time he uses the bathroom he puts the toilet seat down for her. That sounded pretty brilliant to me.
Now if he has memory issues, make a cute little sign until it becomes a habit for both of you. That way both of you are thinking of each other instead of yourself.
However, it is very advisable to put the top seat down when you flush to keep bacteria from getting in the air.
So if you make a practice of doing that, then right after both of you put it where it should be.
I have visited plenty of single men, especially in the course of doing business sometimes I’m in their homes.
If a man lives alone and the toilet seat is up, I put it down to use it, then put it back up for him. That’s his house after all.
If none of that works, get two bathrooms.” INFJPersonality-52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (but don’t yell). Maybe he should sit in the cold water every time you do since it’s ‘not that often’. In the future, maybe don’t do him the courtesy of keeping the light off, since he’s not earned your ability to trust the light being off.
The default of the seat is down because everyone needs it down to poop regardless of urinary hardware.
Not to mention. If he’s not putting the seat back down, he’s not putting the lid down. Which means he’s spraying your entire bathroom with fecal bacteria every time he flushes.” LadyMacGuffin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I think you should both be doing your best to accommodate each other. He should put the lid down and you should check. But that has nothing to do with my verdict.
I’m saying YTJ because this really isn’t something worth yelling over. Like any other couple, you’ll inevitably come across more difficult conflicts and you’ll have to learn how to deal with them without resorting to yelling at each other.
If you can’t do this, then this relationship is doomed.” Pepito_Pepito
