People Want To Know If We'll Favor Them In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Get Rid Of A Cat?
“My partner (f33) and I (m37) have been together for a few months. Recently, I lost a job (unfair boss) and I need a new place to live. I breached the subject with my partner, but she was unsure.
She asked if there would be anything I’d need her to change if I moved in.
And I said that yes, the number of cats she has.
For background, she lives in a 2-story house that she owns. She has 3 cats that she adopted 7 years ago from the same litter. There are cat litter boxes all over the house (I think there are 4 or 5) and she won’t even put them in the basement like Ali suggested many times, she keeps them front and center (e.g. living room, upstairs bathroom).
She says no because the cats like to have easy access to litter boxes but I want to buy them.
She spent a ridiculous amount of time cleaning the boxes (she scoops them daily) and hoovering the house (she refuses to get a rumba because one of the cats is scared of it, I said it’ll get used to it, but she dismissed me).
Of course, there’s more to it but you get the idea.
So I said that she’d need to get rid of 1-2 of her cats because having 3 is approaching crazy cat lady territory.
She’s argued with me that it’s not going to happen and called me a jerk for even trying that with her.
I replied that I was disinterested know what she was talking about. She got really angry and kicked me out. I tried calling her, hoping she’ll come to her senses and understand humans are more important than cats but nothing.
Time is ticking and she’s distant, only answering my calls but never calling, and if she won’t decide soon, I’ll end up with jo home.
My brother tells me I’m a jerk and I should’ve waited till I’m on the deed to demand get to rid of the cats.
And I can see his point but was I really the jerk for trying?
Just to add, I’m not allergic and they are mostly chill.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You need a place to live. How dare you make this kind of demand.
Pets are not knick-knacks to get rid of or pack up. The crazy cat lady thing is just ridiculous. Three cats are not excessive. They are also not negotiable. They are living things. You don’t just throw them away.
They’ve done nothing wrong but you want her to have her abandon them to someone else.
Cats, contrary to appearances, have feelings and attachments. Good thing she asked. I’m sure she asked so she would know before this became a fiasco. She must have known there might be something making this a bad thing.
Good thing she asked. She now knows that this will not work. Good for her.” Defiant_Ingenuity_55
Another User Comments:
“Ew ew ew. You are truly nasty. YTJ, op, tremendously. The cats were there before you, and based on just this post, I can tell they are better to her than you.
You are with this girl for a FEW MONTHS and try to tell her what to do with her home and companions? This is truly toxic behavior, some might even say FOUL. My advice to you OP is to leave this girl alone and any other girl for that matter because you are truly a jerk.
Edit: Get a job. and get your own house. the audacity you have to lose your job (for reasons I assume are your fault, seeing as you are truly entitled) and stop attempting to bum off others and then control them.
This is truly disgusting and behavior. Are you 10, OP?” User
Another User Comments:
“This has to be rage bait.
So you got fired, have no safety net, want to freeload off your partner, AND demand that she gets rid of her cats because she spends too much time caring for them?
The level of entitlement and delusion there cants be real.
Your brother is also wrong, as there is no reason for you to be on HER deed unless you are married and she chooses to share her asset. You’ve been together a few months (and probably won’t be soon).
Pets are forever. It is almost never reasonable to ask an SO to get rid of an animal they had before your relationship.
YTJ, obviously.” gcot802
18. AITJ For Encouraging My Daughter To See Her Mom?
“My ex and I got divorced when our daughter Emma (F14) was a few months old.
At first, she had primary custody and I had Emma every weekend. When Emma was 9 she told us she wanted to spend more time with me and we decided to have her every other week. When she turned 10 she told us that she thinks spending the weekend with a parent was better but she wants to spend the weekends with her mom and be with me the rest of the time.
After that, she told us that this is too tiring for her and she wants to go there every other weekend. A year ago she decided that she wants to go there once a month.
Now she is telling me that she doesn’t want to go there at all.
I told her that can’t happen and that she has to go see her mom. We got into an argument and I got angry and told her unless she goes to see her mom I’m going back to our original custody agreement and she has to live with her mom.
She called me a jerk but went to her mom’s home and now she won’t answer my call.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ based on the info. Your daughter is old enough to decide how much she wants to see her mother so you can’t force her to go.
Have a talk with her and your ex. Do you know why your daughter doesn’t want to go there? Please try to figure that out first. Maybe her mom is treating her badly, maybe she is trying to manipulate you.
However, I do think it’s a bit odd she doesn’t want to see her mom that often but does go there when she doesn’t get her way.” Imkode8719
Another User Comments:
“Info: The reason she doesn’t want to go is a huge factor here.
My daughter’s (14f) dad and I split before she was born. I have never forced her to go but she’s responsible for telling her dad she isn’t coming to visit.
He’s effectively destroyed his relationship with her over the last two years – but fixing that is not my responsibility.
So if your daughter has what she feels is valid reasoning for not visiting, you should respect her decision.” LenoreSkellington
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This reads like a fake post if only because your refusal to consider why your kid might have continued for her entire life to want less and less contact with her mom makes you sound like a poorly-written cartoon parent.
There aren’t many reasons that aren’t severe therapy-requiring big deals as to why your kid would want to completely cut contact with her other parent, and that you can’t be bothered to even talk to her about it makes me wonder what kind of parenting you do yourself.
Considering that you’re threatening to make her live with her mom full-time, if you’re the least worst option, something awful has to be happening over there.” teratodentata
17. AITJ For Refusing To Go On My Partner's Birthday Trip?
“It’s my partner’s birthday soon and his friends are planning a trip to celebrate. I wasn’t originally invited which was fine with me as they were going to party and gamble which isn’t my thing but now they want me to come because they think I’d make a great surprise present for him.
The way it was sold to me was that I would be alone for a few days before they revealed the surprise and that I couldn’t tell my partner or anybody else I would be there. I said no because it honestly makes me feel gross that they want me to go only to sleep with him and to pretend I’m not there for the rest of the time.
They’ve offered to change the plan around if I’d agree to go and his best friend has been guilting me by saying my partner would want to see me on his birthday so I should do it for him.
Another friend has also made unfunny jokes about how they would have to find a replacement gift if I didn’t go.
AITJ for refusing to go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in my opinion. What is the actual God-Forsaken heck?!
So firstly that whole ‘plan’ is pretty messed up to me, but even leaving that out you’re not a jerk. Call me crazy but even without the context of you being left alone for days with no one knowing where you are and then being revealed as a ‘present’ only to be left alone again afterward (yikes) I think you’re well within your rights to just not go.
If you don’t wanna go on that trip, no matter the reason, it’s your choice and no one should guilt you for it. The specifics just make it even worse. Again, this is just my opinion, but to me, you are not the jerk in any way, shape, or form.” AVerySmollBrownie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Nothing these guys propose is even sane.
You are not theirs, to give away to someone else. If they feel they have a right to demand she perform on their behalf, it’s really not that much of a stretch for one or more of them to decide that they should get to sample the goods, too.
Especially if intoxicated and extra stupid.
You are not a thing to be locked in a closet and trotted out to perform on demand. You are required to pay to go to please him for a short time — likely while the other guys are whooping it up outside their door and cracking jokes, if not trying to barge in — and make yourself scarce before and after performing your service.
That is just creepy.
Or if they are ‘pranksters’ I could just imagine them leading you in while the birthday boy is being ‘serviced.’ Just to see what you’d do for entertainment. Or to drive you off if they think he’s not fun enough anymore.
And then there’s the manipulation — ‘He’d want to see you on his birthday!’ Well, if he did, he would have brought you along, or done this boys’ trip at another time and did something for his birthday that involves you.
You are not obliged to pay to be ‘their’ gift so they don’t have to pay to get him something. And that’s the kindest interpretation of their statement!
Or the nastiest interpretation: a threat, that if you refuse then they’ll find someone else for him to sleep with instead.
How… nice.
Birds of a feather flock together. What is your partner like to enjoy palling around with this bunch of creeps? I hope he’s better than this sounds, but I have a hard time believing that.” quats5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re a human being for frick’s sake. His friends are absolutely disgusting.
Do not cave to these ridiculous ‘plans’. Tell your partner what his friends proposed, that you were expected to be the ‘present’ or they would find a ‘replacement’.
He should know what kind of friends he has, the type who objectifies his partner and treat her as a means to an end. Then wait for his reaction. If it’s less than disgust with his friends, dump him.
Stand your ground and stay at home. You have a life and better things to do than sit around alone for days on end so you can gratify your partner in a sensual manner on his birthday at his friend’s behest. You are better than this, and them.” SilentCounter6750
16. AITJ For Giving The Silent Treatment When My Partner's Son Spilled In My Car?
“I got a new car earlier this year and it’s the first big item I’ve bought for myself. It’s my baby and I take good care of it.
This weekend I had to drive to town B for work. To get to town B I have to drive through town A which is where my partner’s mother is so my partner asked if I can give her (my partner) and her son a ride there to visit her mother.
We left yesterday and before leaving I reminded both her and her son of my number one rule: no food in the car. She said whatever, agreed and we went off.
On the way, her son complains about being hungry so we stop at a gas station and the two of them go off to quickly grab and eat something.
After about 20 minutes they come back to the car and both hold slushies. I stop them and tell them that they can’t drink that in my car and she says they can’t possibly finish it fast enough without making us more late and that she wasn’t even willing to do that.
This resulted in a back and forth of arguing and the ultimatum was to leave them there or******* up. I gave in and let them in cautioning them to be careful. After about 30 minutes her son drifted off and dropped the melted slushie all over the back seat.
I yelled a curse word and pulled over to clean it up. After cleaning it up I got back in the driver’s seat and just drove. I was ****** livid but knew fighting or arguing over this wouldn’t solve anything. Still, I was in no mood to talk so I just remained silent for the rest of the ride, only giving short answers when spoken to.
I dropped them off at her mother’s and kept driving. When I reached my lodging I saw a message from my partner, calling me a jerk for giving them the silent treatment and making her son feel awful over an honest mistake.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So, for me, the silent treatment is usually YTJ territory because if you don’t communicate you don’t solve problems. But this was not the silent treatment, you responded when spoken to, and didn’t say any of the intemperate and unconstructive things you were thinking.
Your partner is not calling you wrong for the silent treatment, she is complaining about you being angry. You had every right to be angry. She is not validating your position, she is not apologizing for a mess you did everything you could to avoid, and made clear at the outset that was important to you.
She is the jerk. NTJ.” kgfPatsfan2
Another User Comments:
“Someone giving me the silent treatment is one of my biggest triggers. Having said that, NTJ.
You set a rule. She said ‘whatever’. Then proceeded to buy drinks even though you’d already said no food in the car (only a trashy person would pedantically say ‘but it’s drink, not food’ because it’s obviously about the meaning, not the word).
Then argued with you until you backed down. Then did not assume responsibility for damage that occurred because of them breaking the rule you set. You didn’t have anywhere to go to cool off, you were stuck in the car with them.
Been there, totally get it.
If you were, as I imagine, so furious that you were having to hold back shouting, then yes, silence is the better option. Ideally of course you could regulate enough to not be angry, but also ideally this crap never would have happened, so moot point there.
I wouldn’t be any better in this situation.” OrangeAndCinammon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t ‘give her the silent treatment.’ In my opinion, the silent treatment is vindictive, with the intention to punish someone for making you upset, and that’s jerk behavior.
You were silent because you were upset and unable to remove yourself from the situation.
By buying a slushie for a 9-year-old (prime demographic for spilling things) she put you in a position where you’d have to just accept this risk or else you’d be the bad guy for telling a child to throw out their slushie, or even worse, just leaving them there (which is unequivocally a jerk move).
She should pay for the cleaning of that seat. She should have been the one to clean it. Trying to critique your actions when all you did was be understandably upset is messed up on her part.” bigmoney923
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Brother's Fishing Supplies?
“My (22F) grandparents passed away when I was young, and my mom inherited the house. She never sold it and likes to use it for holiday celebrations.
My brother (24M), Sam, and I have full access to the house. Sam uses it often and doesn’t treat it well. This upsets mom because she wants it to be clean for the holidays, yet she doesn’t take away his keys, and she always expects me to help her clean the mess because she knows Sam won’t.
So, I came to town with my new kitten yesterday and was planning to stay at my grandparent’s house. I was told that there may be some fishing gear out, but overall, it’s clean. I walked into the house, and it was so bad that the only safe place for me to leave the cat unattended was a bathroom.
It was disgusting. There was rotting meat, maggots, mold, mud, open beer cans everywhere, fishing hooks on the carpet, plus a pile of like 20 fishing rods thrown on the floor. There was more, but it’s hard to describe how bad it was with just words alone.
I called my mom crying because I had nowhere else to stay since they had guests staying in my bedroom. My options were to figure something out there or drive hours back to my apartment. My mom told me to just clean it up enough so that it would be safe for my cat to be there, and to just throw any of Sam’s stuff into the garage.
She said that we were going to have to clean it up anyways so might as well just start now. So, I did, even though I was upset with the fact that I was once again expected to clean up Sam’s mess for him.
While cleaning, I put his pile of fishing rods into the garage like my mom said.
Earlier today he came over here to get something for his next fishing trip, and I guess 2 of his rods that I moved broke.
I don’t know how because he wouldn’t show me, but he started demanding that I pay him $150 for replacements because I was the one that moved them. I refused and told him he had no business treating the house the way he does.
I essentially said that I’m sorry his rods broke and I didn’t mean to damage anything but if he wouldn’t have left them out like he did this wouldn’t be an issue. I showed him pictures of the rat poop, mold, and maggots that I had to clean up just so my cat wouldn’t eat them and get sick.
He had lied and said that the house was pretty much clean, and since he didn’t clean it up himself then this is what he gets. Now he refuses to speak to me until I pay him, and calls me a jerk for refusing to.
My mom is trying to stay out of it but suggested I just pay him so we can have a peaceful Thanksgiving. My dad is on my side. My brother’s partner texted me basically saying that I’m a jerk because it’s easier for me to afford $150 than it is for him.
In response, I sent her photos of everything I had to clean up, and she left me on read. At first, I was sure of my stance but now I’m not sure and was hoping to get some outside input.
AITJ?
Update: Turns out what really happened was that Sam’s partner ended up not seeing the rods where I put them and stepped on them. She didn’t tell Sam this until later today after she texted me and I didn’t respond how she hoped. Currently, Sam and his partner are here but downstairs fighting about who-knows-what.
He’s apparently going to be helping to clean out the garage, so we’ll see how that goes.
Like I mentioned, I cleaned up the house yesterday enough so that my cat wouldn’t get into anything that would make her sick or injure her, but there’s still a lot of work to do before the house is fit to have company over.
So my mom came in earlier, saw the state of the house, and started crying. I didn’t mention this in the post but my mom inherited the house jointly with my aunt who lives on the other side of the state.
My aunt will flip out if she sees what Sam did to it, which adds an extra layer of pressure on my mom to get it clean. The only thing my mom said when she walked in was that she was stressed about all the stuff she has to do to prepare for Thanksgiving, and then she just stopped speaking altogether.
I tried to talk to her but she just ignored me. Now she’s just in the kitchen trying to make it look presentable.
Not much else to say, everyone is currently too stressed out with other stuff to speak to me at the moment so I’m just in the corner on my laptop with my cat pretending to do homework.
Final update: Well, I told my aunt about everything, and now she’s pushing to sell the house. She says that she does not want to pay expenses on a house that a 20-something-year-old is just going to trash. So yeah, that’s that I guess.
As for my brother, well… there’s a lot more to his story than I initially realized.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Hold your ground. Unfortunately, both your parents are enablers for not nipping this in the bud. The first time he failed to clean up after himself, they should have taken his keys and made him pay to have the place professionally cleaned. Instead, they’ve turned you into the unpaid laborer and turned him into an entitled brat.
Sounds like your dad is seeing the light, at least, so he should be requiring your brother to help your mother clean it up since neither of them sees anything wrong with his behavior.
Your brother’s partner had no right to butt into this situation.
She’s probably ignoring you because your pictures told a story that is completely different from the one he told her. She’s got egg on her face and us too proud to apologize.
Hold your ground, but be prepared for a tense Thanksgiving dinner.” EYJacksonGilbert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sam is clearly a jerk, but your mom is an enabler. You need to stop enabling her to be Sam’s enabler. Based on the horrific way Sam treats the house, he should not have a key and not have access to the home without someone else being there, especially since this isn’t just your mom’s home.
She shares ownership with her sister.
Tell your mom, you highly recommend she revoke Sam’s access to the house. It’s her choice not to (because she hates to say no to Sam), but you will not clean up after Sam.
Period. Your mom needs to pick which hard thing she is going to face: either standing up to Sam or cleaning up after Sam and dealing with her sister’s negative reaction. Wanting you to clean up Sam’s toxic mess and allowing something your mom doesn’t fully own to be destroyed is not an acceptable response for a grown adult.
Your mom needs to grow a spine and cut off the source of the toxicity: Sam.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“Don’t you dare pay him!
I’m glad you took pictures of the filth you had to clean up because I guarantee everyone would have minimized it if you hadn’t.
Actually, it’s telling that they’re STILL trying to get you to pretend you’re in the wrong when faced with photographic evidence. Here’s the thing: You’ve been cleaning up your brother’s messes for a year.
Your family is blaming you not because you’re at fault but because for the first time, you’re rejecting your role as the per who fixes your brother’s mistakes. This is especially uncomfortable for your mom who will have to face his bad behavior.
Do NOT pay him a cent. And for the love of god stop cleaning his filth — even if it means you don’t use the cabin for the next year. Make a decision that you’re no longer your brother’s maid and trash bin.
NTJ” veni_vidi_dixi
14. AITJ For Not Including My Sister-In-Law In My Wedding Plans?
“In august, I (23F) got engaged to my partner (22M) of 4 years. I excitedly told my family and my sister-in-law (30F) asked if she could be my wedding planner.
She said that she has shown some interest in it and wanted to use my wedding as a test run. I gently declined, explained that we wanted a very small and intimate wedding, and while I would still love for her to be involved in some of the planning I didn’t need a planner.
I kept my word, I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids, her daughter (1F) to be our flower girl and have included her in everything the other bridesmaids were included in.
For some background I was one of her bridesmaids when she got married to my brother, while I was excited, I wasn’t included in anything that the other bridesmaids were included in.
She told me what color to get my dress in, what time to be there to help set up, and who I was walking with and that was it. So knowing that feeling I made sure I didn’t do the same to her.
A month ago I made appointments for my fiancé and me to look at venues because my mom offered to pay for the venue as a wedding gift she was invited and so was my maid of honor. We made a day of it, took lots of photos and my mom asked all the right questions that I didn’t even think to ask.
We had a great time and my mom posted our selfies all over her social media page excitedly. Please note, this was just the four of us, none of my bridesmaids were invited to this particular part of the planning.
A week later I had gone to my brother’s house to catch up with my SIL and visit my niece, she asked questions about the venues I looked at and what I was leaning towards more. As I was explaining it to her she had to change the baby and while gone my brother blew up on me about how horrible I was being to her and how upset she was that she wasn’t invited to look at venues with me.
He said I was a jerk especially because she offered to be our wedding planner. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but it was hard to get a word in and he ‘yelled’ at me about this up until she came back where I quickly said my goodbyes and went home.
Apparently, this made him even more upset and he reached out to the rest of our siblings who some are agreeing that I was definitely a jerk. Was it really that bad that I didn’t invite her? Should I apologize to her?
AITJ?
Update: I’ve gone ahead and told them they have both been removed from our wedding party. They are invited as a family only and while we hope to see them there, at the end of the day it’s their choice.
I explained that I will not treat them any differently than how I have been however any texts, calls, or in-person conversations about this topic will simply be ignored. I’m sure this will cause another crazy burst of texts from everyone however it will again be simply ignored!
My maid of honor is my bio sister and she’s been annoyed enough for me that I’m sure I won’t hear anything from my other siblings anyway. If anyone wants to be my flower girl/boy let me know!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s being weird and out of line. She’s just a bridesmaid, and you treated her the same as all other bridesmaids. She doesn’t get to auto-assign herself as your wedding planner! To do a ‘trial run’ with your wedding.
You need to talk to her, your brother, and your siblings again, make a group with them all and text them a clear message: you never asked and you don’t need a wedding planner. They are being inconsiderate.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“Bridesmaids tag along to every wedding-specific thing unless ASKED to by the bride. You, the bride didn’t ask her. You didn’t ask your other bridesmaids. She wasn’t singled out. Just because she is your SIL doesn’t mean she gets to be involved in your planning or even be in your bridal party!
Your wedding is yours. Not her test run to see how she’d cut it as a wedding planner. You don’t want her involved outside of bridesmaids’ things. Your wedding isn’t about her potential future career or, in my opinion, getting a shotatf her having another wedding for herself.
I wouldn’t apologize, I would reiterate that you and your fiance are planning your wedding and that while you appreciate that she wants to be involved, you won’t be inviting her or any of the other bridesmaids to things they aren’t needed at.
NTJ.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your brother sure is. Where does he get off telling you how to treat his wife and her feelings on the matter? That’s his job and he doesn’t want to deal with it.
Unless she fed him another story. He’s still a jerk for not letting you explain and not letting you plan your wedding as you saw fit. I’d keep my distance until he learns to have an adult convo and not lose his temper.
I’d also tell the SIL that it was nothing personal, but your brother, her husband was out of line to confront you about her feelings on the matter instead of respecting your wishes. I’d do all that explaining in a group text with the other siblings and tell them the facts and their opinions on what you should do can be kept to themselves.
Leave the chat after that if you want, so they can stew in their mess or stay too.” Chlo3chlo
13. AITJ For Not Wanting The Dog Stay In The Kitchen At My Sister's House?
“Every year for the holidays I get together with family and make baked goods. We usually meet at my grandmother’s house but she passed this past year. So this year it was going to be at my sister’s house.
My grandmother was a neat freak. I would not say I’m that way but absolutely am in the kitchen.
My sister has had a dog for less than a year. She has slowly become one of those dog people that take it everywhere and now schedules everything around the dog being present.
I stopped going over as much as I don’t like dogs. I think they can be quite disgusting. I arrived for the annual baking session and my other sister and mom were there. I noticed the dog kept wandering around and going into the kitchen.
I noticed it shake a few times. I could literally see dog hair floating around the house.
I didn’t want that getting in the food. So I asked if we could keep the dog out of the kitchen while preparing food.
Well, my sister said no as it’s the dog’s house too, and can go where it wants. I got frustrated with that answer and told her I didn’t want to bake in this kitchen with the dog being present.
This led to an argument and told her grandma would be disgusted with that. Well, she told me to leave. So AITJ?
Edit: I should say this was an annual thing to bake goods. We’d give them out to hundreds of people and place importance on food safety.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is disgusting esp since the baked goods are going to strangers who may have allergies. This is why potlucks give some of us hives. You never know what level of cleanliness people have in their homes esp pet owners like your sister.
Dogs slobber and shed and walk outside barefoot. They should not be in the kitchen during food prep. The dog should be placed in a room outside the kitchen and the kitchen cleaned thoroughly for such a baking endeavor. Maybe offer to host the baking extravaganza next year and stress that her dog is not allowed.” Erythronne
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because it isn’t your house. If you were having the baking extravaganza at your house, yes, absolutely you have the final say on how things go. But when you’re at someone else’s house, they have the final say.
I agree with you on not wanting pet dander in the food or whatever, but the fact remains her house, her rules. Maybe you should start hosting so this doesn’t come up again.” Far_Anteater_256
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Home baking is one thing, and if this was just cookies for a family gathering I would have said you are the jerk.
But if you’re baking for hundreds of people I agree with you that you need to keep as close to commercial kitchen cleanliness standards as possible. A dog in a bakery kitchen would get that place shut down, and for a good reason.
Your sister needs to understand hosting such an event comes with certain requirements. You should have probably taken that approach rather than ‘grandma would be disgusted,’ but even in that I think you weren’t incorrect.” WormsRoxanne
12. AITJ For Telling My Dad About My Mom's Behavior?
“So I (f 14) have a little brother (m 10), my parents are split up and we live 50/50 with them.
My mum has a history of drinking which makes me and my brother always very anxious whenever she does. So last night she went to a birthday party at 6 she said she’d be back by 9 then 10 after 10 I rang her and messaged her (she didn’t answer at all) until 11.10 cause we worried at 11.20 she comes back really wasted and starts shouting and getting upset at me my brother wakes up and we’re all shouting and crying, this goes on for about 30 mins.
So at midnight, I ring my dad and I tell him what happened and I don’t know what to do, we eventually go back to bed and she starts calling me all the names under the sun again until she goes to sleep.
At 9 this morning she woke me up shouting saying I betrayed her and how I’m an awful daughter I’m obviously crying and she tells me to get our stuff ready and leave. So I know she’s in the wrong but am I overreacting I feel like I shouldn’t have rung him ’cause now I’ve made things worse.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad should sue for 100% physical custody, and your mom should only have supervised visits with her kids. Your mom is sick. She is in no condition to take care of children. You were right to contact dad, assuming he’s not a heavy drinker.
I’m surprised he didn’t come over and pull you and your brother out of the house. Maybe he was thinking that she (your mom) would just sleep it off. But that would make him an enabler (not helpful)
To be clear, you and your brother should not ever live with your mom.
You speak about her drinking history and how it makes you and your brother anxious. Yeah. That is textbook. Your mother is a heavy drinker and should never have even part-time custody of children.” Ambitious_Amoeba1992
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are NEVER the jerk for protecting yourself and your brother. In fact, the fact that this keeps happening and your dad hasn’t filed for full custody makes my b***d boil.
I do want to give you a little bit of comfort (or at least hopefully this does).
I’m saying this as a recovering heavy drinker who has been sober for a year.
YOU NOR YOUR BROTHER ARE THE PROBLEMS. Your mom hates herself; not you. Usually, I was a happy person when wasted, to be honest, but sometimes I would turn mean and nasty (not to my kids but to people I loved like my husband and my mom and friends).
Therapy and sobriety and AA meetings have taught me that I was really just projecting my own pain and trauma onto other people – mostly because I hated myself. It was never because I truly disliked the people I lashed out at.
I’m truly not trying to downplay what your mom is doing. You are NOT overacting in the least bit. Your safety comes first. But, there is a very high probability that your mom doesn’t mean any of it. She’s just very very VERY sick and how she treats you is IN NO WAY A REFLECTION OF SOMETHING YOU OR YOUR BROTHER DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
You may want to look into Alanon or Alanon Teens (a place where members come together to: share experiences, strength, and hope with each other to find effective ways to cope with problems.). You can find tons of online meetings.
I wish you and your entire family all the best.
FEEL FREE TO DM ME IF YOU NEED ANY RESOURCES OR SOMEONE TO TALK TO.” Miss_Lost_1023
Another User Comments:
“Your mother is abusive and your dad should have full custody of you guys.
If there was a court custody case and you were appointed a law representative you need to talk to that representative about this and get the court to grant you both living full time with your dad. It is okay for you to call child protective services if your mom pulls another intoxicated vanishing act.
Here’s the thing. Your mother has a major issue here. She will blame you and get mad at you because it’s easier for her than acknowledging her being the problem. Heavy drinkers and other addicts don’t think they have a problem and don’t see anything they do as wrong.
You have to not feel guilty about taking care of yourself and your brother because your mom sure isn’t being a good parent right now.
Please get some help getting out of that situation and away from mom until her illness is addressed and she gets the help she needs.
You have to be brave. You did the right thing by telling your dad. Hopefully, he works on getting this resolved.
NTJ.” ElvyHeartsong
11. WIBTJ If I Charge My Cousin Each Time I Babysit Her Daughter?
“For the past week or so my cousin (38f), her husband (?), and their daughter (6) have been staying in my (16m) and my mom’s (55) tiny 2-bedroom apartment while their house is being renovated. I don’t think I’d mind them staying over if they weren’t so… for lack of a better word, ‘obnoxious’.
Cousin has taken over the living room by rearranging all the furniture, and declaring that whenever her daughter is napping or sleeping, I am absolutely not allowed to enter the living room, even if it’s just for a moment. The only exception is when I’m supposed to go to school, and even then if I make even the slightest noise, like letting my keys jingle, I get scolded by her the moment I get back home for being ‘loud and rude’.
They also seem to think they have free reign over the house. They constantly barge into our bedrooms and to try and claim the beds, because the air mattresses they brought are ‘inadequate’, they’ve used our shampoos and soaps despite the fact that they brought their own, I think they’ve even used our toothbrushes and clothes.
They don’t even clean up for themselves after meals, it’s always my mom’s job and even though I get to help her, I still feel so bad for her.
Here’s where our problem arises. My cousin asks that I babysit her daughter after school while she and her husband work, which I don’t mind all too much.
She’s a sweet kid, she loves playing games, and having stories read to her, I’ve even gotten to teach her how to play Smash Bros. Problem is she takes everything up to 100. She plays rough, she likes hitting and screaming and making me chase her around the house, and her tantrums are rough.
I often have to hold her back until she’s calm enough to console because she tries to break things and hit herself against furniture. After talking with some friends about it, they suggested I start to charge my cousin for babysitting her daughter.
I tried to talk to my mom about it, I told her I’d only charge cousin 10 bucks total every time I babysat her daughter, but my mom is very very against it. She says I’m being really rude by trying to get money out of my cousin when she’s going through a tough time.
She says my cousin may need the money to pay off the house repairs, and I am not in any place to take it from her, especially when she is so stressed. While I understand that, it’s not like I’d be asking my cousin for money she doesn’t have.
She buys fast food and Starbucks for herself every day, sometimes even a few times a day, I doubt 10 bucks would make much of a dent in her budget. Plus, with the way she has been acting, I think repaying my mom and me in some way is the least she can do, but maybe my stance on this is wrong.
Am I the jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were not created to be a doormat for others to walk all over. Despite what your mom says these people have been abusive and ungrateful and thoughtless. Not only should you charge them but you should charge them more.
You should not be made to creep around in YOUR home or have your personal space invaded or forced out of your own bed. No mother should allow their child to be treated this way. I am so sorry!” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. $10 for an afternoon is beyond reasonable. If she doesn’t want to pay for it, don’t do it. Or if money is truly an issue for her (although if she has Starbucks money, she definitely has babysitting money) offer some sort of barter.
You watch her kid in exchange for driving you somewhere? Helping you with a project? I don’t know. Whatever you decide, set your boundaries and stick to them.
She is incredibly inconsiderate for even putting you in that situation and your mom is also obnoxious for enabling behavior that takes advantage of you.” thelionisdandy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, they’re rude, entitled freeloaders. They’re already staying in your home for free, and now they expect you to give your time for free as well. Second, their daughter sounds like more than a handful–she sounds like she needs serious evaluation for mental or developmental issues.
Physical aggression, property destruction, are worrying in one her age, and it doesn’t sound like her parents are doing anything about it.
Even if she doesn’t have mental or developmental issues (and she may very well not), she needs to be trained out of her tantrums or she’ll be irretrievably spoiled. But you shouldn’t have to manage her, especially for free!” JosieJOK
10. AITJ For Yelling At My Partner Who's A Chef?
“I was cooking dinner for my partner and me. I quit after being a chef for 7 years. I just got hired as an IT guy and I feel she resents me for my new career.
There is a really condescending way chefs talk down to people and she lapsed into it.
She said, ‘this food just doesn’t taste as good as it did last time.’ I said I made it that way and it really doesn’t matter. She said I need to put leftovers away in a specific way and started explaining it to me in a rude manner.
I tried to de-escalate the situation by walking away. I said, ‘I don’t want anything to do with this activity and I’m trying to not participate in this.’
This is when things got out of hand. She said in a loud voice, ‘Come back here.
I want to show you how I put leftovers away. I place a plate on a bowl like this.’ This is when I started yelling at her. ‘Shut up. Like how are you going to start being aggressive toward your significant other about plates and bowls?
Get outta here.’
I studied for an entire year for 100 hrs in three months to get a certification and escape that industry I hated so much. And for her to drag me back into that world is so aggravating.
Update: We are taking a break. Any attempt at reasoning with her was futile. I think she is committed to working as a chef and acting like one all the time. She says she is not jealous of my new career but that seems spiked with hostility.
I think it is becoming more difficult to relate. We will see what happens in a few days.
Update again: I realize because she’s relatively new to cooking, a good solution is just not to cook together anymore. I’m burnt out and she’s excited and competitive about it.
I get to come up with my own recipes in private and it’s relaxing, she cooks for me and I can sit down and eat like a king!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but, and I say this in the gentlest way possible, you do need to work on your communication with her.
You need to be transparent about the fact this isn’t just a ‘respect’ conversation but also a ‘When you treat me like we’re not in fact in a domestic cooking situation, it regresses me back to work-related trauma’ situation. Be open about the fact you suspect she resents your career change – even if you are totally on the money, you’re still operating on an assumption and you owe it to yourself (and her) to hear what her actual thoughts and feelings are on the matter instead of walking around with a hurt suspicion that may actually be influencing your anger at her.
Sit down with her, be clear about your expectations when you cook together and lay your emotional desires on the table. Be upfront that she needs to be more vigilant about bringing her work home with her and how that impacts you emotionally.
After all, she may not even realize that’s how she’s engaging with you?” addisonavenue
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You admit cursing at her and refusing to listen, which sounds a lot like something a jerk chef would do. Maybe spend less time feeling triggered and more time being able to relate.
There are certainly better ways to communicate your frustrations. And frankly, I think you’re turning to the internet for justification of your behavior, but that reads manipulative to me…
Also, there is no indication that she actually resents you for having a desk job.
You’re proud of your new career, and that’s great! That doesn’t mean everyone wants a desk job. Maybe try believing her when she says she’s not jealous.” TheSolidark
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She was condescending to you to begin with, which is absolutely gross in a relationship.
But when you made it ABUNDANTLY clear that you were trying to remove yourself from the situation in order to de-escalate and keep things healthy and respectful, and she CONTINUED to try to not only engage with you but antagonize you in such a patronizing manner, she became VERY MUCH the jerk.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
9. AITJ For Not Sending Funds To My Dad?
“My (23f) dad (45m) lives in another country than I am after poor life choices, he used to live and grew up in Europe where he met my mom and they had me, young. They divorced when I was 2.5 years old, after the divorce, my dad was bad for my mom.
He almost never paid child support to my mom who had full custody of me, I used to see him 1 weekend every two weeks – but he lived still at his parents’ house/his sister’s house, so I used to be more there to play with my cousins than to see him.
He’s a funny man but never took his responsibilities in life, even though I know that he loves me to death. Now he does not live in Europe anymore, he got sent back to his original country and lives now with his new partner and had 3 daughters.
My dad has probably never worked a day in his life, he lives off money from others, and his family (which is big) sends him money every few days/week, he has a house in the country because my grandad has multiple houses there.
Last week, I was with my dad’s side of the family because there was a funeral, and we talked about my dad (which whom I do not have contact anymore) – my uncle said ‘you need to send money to your dad’, I said, ‘No. he never paid anything for me, I don’t need to’.
We got into an argument because his sisters started saying that in our culture we do that, that it is because I was European, and that it was not like that in our family or our culture,
I told them that if they wanted to, they could send him money, but I don’t have to, I don’t feel that he ‘deserves’ my money, while having never done really anything for me in life besides leaving trauma (that I did not say about the trauma) – anyways,
They kinda started to gaslight me as if all the stuff that happened when I was younger never happened, as if I was not there or ‘couldn’t understand’ or that my mom was behind all this.
I got mad and stopped talking about it…
Now I know my dad has it through there, but I mean, he could work, right? Why would he live off the money of everyone else besides the one he could earn himself, I work every week hours while being a student to pay for stuff, my mom has money but it is because she uplifted herself and worked lots, and she pays for so much stuff for me!
Now I don’t know I don’t feel like the jerk but, maybe I am?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe it is a cultural thing. But unless the penalties for breaking cultural habits are criminal it’s perfectly fine to decline to participate in cultural traditions you don’t care for.
Maybe everything on your dad’s side of the family is totally right. Maybe your mother did everything. Maybe everything you remember is wrong. That is ridiculously unlikely, but for the sake of argument let’s humor them.
Even if everything they said is true, so what?
You are a student making money for your own life and he’s a grown man who can make his own money. If you don’t feel he deserves the fruits of your labor, then that is the end of the story.
As you said if they disagree they can give him the funds on their own. If it’s that important then they can lie and say it came from you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe him anything. Some cultures instill the belief into their children that it is their duty to care for their parents when they become adults.
It seems that this is a cultural difference between you and your father’s family.
You are the product of your upbringing and he didn’t have much of a part of that. So guilting you will not work. I think you did well sticking to what you think is right.
You were strong enough not to let them manipulate you. Your Mom did something right raising you.” ContentedRecluse
8. AITJ For My Reaction To Getting Kicked Out Of A Wedding Party?
“My (M30) little sister (F25) is getting married. I’m super excited for her, she’s getting married to a great woman who she loves.
They make a great couple and I know she’s always wanted to get married. My sister and I have always been close growing up, she’s probably one of my best friends. I was one of the first people that she told that she was getting married, she asked me to be her best man and I enthusiastically agreed.
Things were going great until her engagement party this weekend. The plan was to have brunch at 10:30 and then go to my sister’s place and chill. It worked since it was only 5 people, it was less of an engagement party and more of a casual get-together.
Now, I’m someone who loves to sleep, especially on the weekends. I’m a bit of a workaholic and tend to be the last one out of the office, the first one in. I’m married to my job.
My sister knows this about me, and she knows that I have a big project coming up. So on Friday I was at the office until 9 and didn’t get home until 10. I passed out and slept through my alarms. I woke up at 11, and by the time I rolled out of bed, I had already missed brunch.
I texted my sister telling her I’d be late and show up at her apartment. I arrived and she seemed annoyed but didn’t say anything.
After everyone else had left she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her, and I said no. She sighed and asked me to leave.
Today I woke up to a text saying that she no longer wants me at her wedding party, I asked her why and she told me it’s because I’m always late for everything and don’t make her a priority (not true).
I tried to argue but she completely shut down the conversation. I told her that if I was no longer at the party I’m not going to the wedding and she just reacted with a ‘thumbs up.’
My partner thinks I’m a jerk and should apologize but I don’t see why.
My sister knows I work long hours and am a heavy sleeper. I made it to the tail end of the party, so why does it matter if I missed the mimosas and eggs, Benedict? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Just because your sister knows that you don’t care about respecting other people’s time doesn’t mean she has to put up with it.
Being late to an important event for her is already a jerk move. The fact that you didn’t even think you should have apologized the minute you got there late shows just how self-centered you are.
And the absolute childish ‘then I won’t go to your wedding’ move as if it’s all about you is just the cherry on top of your entitled behavior.
YTJ, stop making excuses you are not the victim in this situation.” BabY_pot4to
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You prioritized work and sleeping over her engagement party. You want to know a secret? Your sister asking if you had anything you wanted to tell her was her letting you know you should apologize and change your behavior.
Your reaction to not being the best man anymore isn’t even the problem here. It’s the events that led up to it. You don’t get to decide what is and is not important to your sister. You chose poorly and now you’re reaping the consequences.
Enjoy working because at this rate your job is all you’re going to have.” SecureChemical245
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This party was important to your sister. It was a small gathering, so your absence was very obvious. Maybe she had something special planned to officially ask you to be at her wedding party.
Maybe she made gifts to hand out. I don’t know, but it was supposed to be a special moment. She feels like you just blew it off because working late was much more important.
Buy a better alarm clock. You know you work late and have trouble waking up.
That’s not your sister’s responsibility. Figure something out.
I guess none of that actually matters to your question though. You refused to apologize for being late. Being late is rude and your fault. You should apologize. YTJ.” angymeow
7. AITJ For Trying To Help A Poor Dog?
“My partner and I live in an apartment on the ground floor and some of our windows overlook the building’s parking lot.
The apartment right next to ours is an Airbnb and the assigned parking spot for this apartment is literally 2 meters away from our living room window and maybe 5 meters away from the kitchen.
Now, on to the story. On Tuesday this week, a man came into the Airbnb.
He already came here 2 months ago for a week, and the situation was the same. I said nothing back then, even though I was already mad the first time this happened.
The guy’s car is a Partner (Peugeot), with no windows in the back, and pets aren’t allowed inside the Airbnb.
You know where I’m going, right?
This man just left his gigantic dog inside his car. The dog is absolutely enormous, wolf-sized basically. Since our windows are right next to his car, I admit that, when I saw him come back on Tuesday, I decided to spy on him to see if he will act the same towards his dog as the first time.
The guy comes out maybe 2 or 3 times a day to let his dog walk a little. He gives him water and locks him back inside. Basically, this dog is able to see the sun only an hour a day. It’s a very rainy week, so the car’s windows are closed. No light, no air.
All week long, I felt so bad for this dog. Friday night, the guy came out to ‘take care’ of him at 9 pm. The next time he came out was Saturday at 11 am. I was up since 5 am, so I know he didn’t come out earlier.
Well, I’m a huge dog lover, and to me, this is animal mistreatment. I asked my partner and he told me to ‘do what I think is right for the dog’. So, Saturday at 1 pm, I told about that situation to a friend of mine who works in an association for animal safety in our town.
I swear that I was just looking for advice from her since it’s her work. She decided to call the SPA (animal protection society, French thing), and they immediately came to check on the dog. When the guy opened the door, he was barely standing on his feet.
They took the dog and asked the guy to follow them in order to see if he can take back his dog or not.
The guy came back last evening around 8 pm, and I don’t know if he had his dog with him or not.
But he decided to knock on every door to know who denounced him. When he asked us, he was in a very poor intoxicated state and was threatening us to know if we made the call to the SPA. We said that we didn’t (which is true by the way).
Now my partner is mad at me. He said that he understands my point, and he agrees with me that this is a kind of animal mistreatment. But he also told me that he absolutely hates to lie (which I know for a long time), and he was forced to lie because of me.
He told me that HE doesn’t go looking for crap in other people’s lives and that HE doesn’t have to pay for my actions.
AITJ for telling this guy that I didn’t make the SPA call even though it was definitely because of me?
Edit: My partner completely agrees with what I did for the dog. He was concerned as much as I was. He wanted to break a window of the car, at least to let some fresh air come in. He’s not at all angry with me for helping the dog.
He’s angry because I lied and made him lied too about the call to SPA. I wasn’t courageous enough to tell the truth, because this guy scared me, but if I did, my partner would have obviously defended me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I understand that your partner doesn’t like to lie and especially not take responsibility for someone else’s actions, but it wasn’t a lie technically. So unless he feels responsible for every person who takes action he doesn’t agree with after receiving any information from him, I think he should just chill and support you.” iPaintButts
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t owe an intimidating, wasted man any excuse to escalate a conflict. You called your friend. Your friend called the SPA. You didn’t lie, & he didn’t lie. But it is pretty nice that you have found such an honest man that even this level of not admitting the whole truth makes him upset.
Sounds like a good guy.” Evening_Produce1070
Another User Comments:
“If you merely said ‘no’ when answering, then I don’t see how you lied here. You answered truthfully. If the fellow wanted to know if you were in any way the reason for the call, he should have asked that instead of just asking if you made the call.
Even if he had asked if you were in any way the reason for the call, he had no right to the truth, given his actions and that he was intoxicated. So, it would still be reasonable to refuse to answer (presumably you would quickly close the door or something), or to use say, mental reservation to technically tell the truth and yet mislead him.
NTJ” charisbee
6. AITJ For Refusing To Board A Couple's Dogs Last-Minute?
“I am 28F and the other people involved were in their late 20s M and F.
So to give a little bit of context, I inherited my late maternal grandpa’s lake house a little over 4 years ago and it came with a huge plot of land and no neighbors for a couple of kilometers, given I had just finished college a year or two prior and nothing but a job I hated keeping me where I was living, I decided to just uproot everything and move to the lake house.
I started up a small time dog boarding kennel there, in case you don’t know what that is, it is where people who want to go on a vacation leave their dog/dogs if they don’t have relatives who can or want to take care of their animals while they are away.
Now I made it very clear from the start both in my ads and when speaking to people that I only allowed dogs that were accustomed to other dogs and friendly, since I do not want to essentially lock a dog up for several weeks, big or small isn’t an issue even though I usually separate them regardless just to be safe.
I had very few issues the first year I started and business more or less exploded very quickly, no doubt in large part due to a certain pestilence spreading the land these past years. That said the second year around I ran into constant issues with a breed previously very uncommon in my country/area and I ended up having to pay for another dog’s vet bills because the said dog had gone to town on the poor thing and the owner of the aggressive dog refused to take responsibility and I did not feel comfortable forcing the victimized owner to have to pay for it.
After 2 more occurrences that nearly went as wrong along with getting bitten me, I decided to take the safe approach for both myself, my two employees, and the dogs I decided to no longer accept dogs of this breed along with any mixes of it.
Now here is where the issue is, a couple with two dogs of that breed had made an appointment, again, the ad is clear, they were told on the phone again and well, they decided to give it a go regardless, that or they were seriously unaware.
I was called over and I ended up having to cancel their booking and obviously informed them that they would not be getting back the booking fee. They tried to convince us their dogs were not the said breed and instead told us they were another breed that frankly looks nothing like it and well I am sure you can fill in the rest but it ended up with them begging us to take them regardless otherwise they would have to cancel their vacation but we didn’t.
In hindsight I feel quite trashy about the whole situation and would like some outside judgment, did I overreact, am I too inflexible, they seemed to genuinely think their dogs weren’t an issue too, so I am second-guessing myself really hard here.
LOL.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not accepting the dogs. It’s your business and you can choose what dogs/breeds to accept.
However since you refused the dogs, as opposed to them canceling, you need to refund any deposit they paid.
Especially since they were not pulling a fast one and genuinely did not think the dog was that breed.
And in the future maybe have new customers bring their dogs to your facility for a tour and a meet and greet before accepting the booking.
That would prevent these types of issues and let you evaluate the dogs. Because dogs of other breeds can be bite risks as well.” Happy-Greyhound-8821
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This sounds like a poorly run business. You should have a contract for all pet parents outlining your responsibilities and yours.
You should have insurance that covers any vet bills due to incidents occurring on your property. You could easily arrange a meeting in advance of the intended stay to gauge any potential concerns. Most of all, you are the jerk for potentially banning a breed due to the bad behavior of some.” Drapple1382
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your business your rules but I will point this out I personally feel you shouldn’t blame an entire breed because of a few bad apples – chihuahuas are known to be a very aggressive breed so if you had problems with that breed would you ban that breed too?
Again it’s your business just trying to offer a different perspective also the customers lost the vacation because they choose to ignore your rules – that’s on them and not on you at all; one other thing I like to ask is are there laws in your area stating you can decline an entire breed only reason I say anything is because the boarder I use did that with a breed (thankfully not my dogs or their breed but still a large breed that the person had no experience with or to own that dog – the poor dog was not well taken care of and there was no obedience training done).
Anyway, the boarders had a new rule no dogs of that breed (sounds similar to what you have going on) and these people got a lawyer over it and basically the boarder was told legally in our area she could ban specific dogs but not breeds as a whole – just don’t want to see you get in trouble over something like this since you sound like a great boarding facility for dogs with all the land you have and trying to give personal experiences for the dogs – I wish you all the luck with your business.” jenna_ducks
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you think their dogs are going to hurt other dogs in your care, you have no obligation to board them. If you were clear about this rule and they decided to rely on your services anyway, that’s their mistake and not yours.
That said, when you turned them away, I don’t think it was appropriate to keep the booking fee.” frantabulo
5. WIBTJ If I Come To A Wedding With My Friend's Partner As A Plus One?
“I (18f) want to take my close friend’s SO as a plus one to my aunt’s wedding across the country.
My close friend (18f) is quite hurt by this. Her SO (18m + my childhood friend) I have known for 7 years whilst I’ve known her for two. They have been together for a year.
Now let me get to my reasoning of why I invited him.
My aunt told me that I can bring a plus one that she will fully fund, so, I thought of him. That he should come as he has already met my immediate family and my mother is quite close to him.
Not only that, but I felt quite obliged to make him my plus one as earlier this year he had made me his plus one to his dad’s event at his conference.
My close friend who is in the same circle as me & society finds this quite distasteful even bordering on disrespect.
Whilst, I see it only as two childhood friends going to a relative’s wedding, she may not.
He has already confirmed that he ‘would love to come & that it is quite endearing’. Although, my close friend has been acting quite peculiarly with me at events and dinners.
WIBTJ if I carried out this plan?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your story indicates that you can’t see why – yes, he’s an old friend but he’s someone else’s SO. If you take him as a plus one, people at the wedding will assume he is your SO.
It is entirely normal that your friend wouldn’t like that.
You also previously went to an event together where the assumption would be that his plus one is probably a date/SO. So this is now the second time that you’ve spent time together, without his SO, in a context that would make people assume you two are a couple.
This is quite disrespectful toward their relationship.
You have been friends a long time but you need to recognize that if he is in a relationship, you can’t do things with him that would normally be the role of his actual SO.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve known him longer, her status as his SO means you have to take a bit of a backseat in comparison.
Your female friend feels insecure, uncomfortable, and possibly threatened by the fact you two are spending time without her in situations like this.
You both seem to be ignoring her feelings. Either you’re very oblivious to other’s emotions, or you don’t care because you want her to feel this way which might suggest you want the male friend for yourself.” keithathome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your intentions may be innocent enough, BUT you’re also fully aware of how this will make your best friend feel and potentially make this awkward for her and your close male friend/her SO. I’m going, to be honest with you: at 18 you are still very much a child.
Your aunt is allowing you a plus one so that you are not bored at a grown-up event. You are not in a relationship with this boy (and even if you were, it’s a bit stupid to bring a date/plus one to a family event at your age).
Make better use of your plus one and invite your bestie so you two can have fun dressing up and dancing. If you go with the guy you’ll just be awkwardly answering questions from extended family all night with one or two slow dances and figuring out appropriate sleeping arrangements.” WhtvrCms2Mnd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your ‘intentions’ aside, you can’t seriously claim you don’t understand why this ISN’T OKAY. This is your best friend’s SO, regardless of your history with either of them, you can’t seriously be ignorant about the assumption of wedding dates.
You don’t bring friends to weddings, you bring your own partner or date. You DO NOT bring your ‘best friend’s’ partner. And you don’t feel ‘obliged’ to bring them. If he’s close enough to YOUR family to be there, THEN HE WOULD BE INVITED ON HIS OWN.
Not as your date.
Bringing your best friend’s SO to an event like a wedding, as your ‘plus one’ is literally insinuating that he is your partner or at least that you would like him to be. You don’t bring ‘friends’ to weddings.
You bring DATES. Many people literally PAY people to be their DATES at weddings.
AND YOUR ‘BEST FRIEND’ ALREADY TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS. YOU DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GO THROUGH WITH STUFF LIKE THIS UNLESS YOU GENUINELY DO NOT RESPECT YOUR FRIEND OR THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
Or unless you’re 100% okay with LOSING THIS FRIEND. You are, knowingly & uncaringly, disrespecting your friend AND their relationship.
YTJ. YTJ. YTJ.” Rennnitie
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The wedding is not the issue, the issue is you are upsetting your female friend.
Your female friend should be less insecure about her SO and his oldest friend, sure, because you being female and him being male does not have to equal anything other than platonic.
But she is insecure. She is upset. You are risking your friendship, and you’re letting your male friend risk his relationship.
All for what? A fancy party in a nice frock?
Go to the wedding on your own, or take someone else, and leave your male friend at home to talk to his SO about why she doesn’t trust him.” rjmythos
4. AITJ For Calling Out My Cousin's Jealousy And Competitiveness?
“I’m 31F and my cousin is 28F. She has always been competitive with me. She just always wants to prove she’s better than me at something.
Whether it was games on the playground or grades. She always had to prove she was better. This issue revolves around writing, which she didn’t like until she saw me like it.
When I was a senior in college and she was a freshman, I started a blog.
I eventually gained 2K followers and got small brand deals and PR stuff. All throughout HS writing seemed to stress her out, and she then decided to major in English. (Of course, because I’m in communications) All of a sudden her freshman year of college she decides she loves to write.
At the time she said it was because she realized that she was a better writer than she thought. After all, the ideas in her classes challenged her more and interested her. But really, it’s because there was almost no structure or formula to how she had to write, anyone can be a good writer when you don’t have rules to follow.
Anyway, it was convenient that as soon as she saw me getting successful, suddenly she loves writing and it’s all she does. She never got into blogging but presented papers at writing events and academic stuff (symposiums or conferences or whatever).
She also got her Master’s in writing and is about to get a Ph.D. Suddenly the family pays attention to her work which is again an example of her needing to prove she’s better than me. She presented at some big conference last year and was invited back this year, which of course my family’s things is SO impressive (meanwhile, I studied abroad and only got told how nice it was that I had the opportunity).
The real joke of it is that she only ever publishes articles and chapters in books, she apparently can’t write a book herself.
We’re all in town this weekend for the holiday and she spent a lot of time holed up writing because she has another one of her articles due and instead of seeing it as rude, the family thinks it’s cool and is excited. Meanwhile, I got another PR deal for a company on my blog and only got told ‘that’s so nice.’ I’m making more impact in my work, but she gets all the recognition.
And all of this started because she can’t let me have the one thing that I can be the best at, as soon as she saw me succeeding she had to jump in and find a way to prove that she was better than me.
When she came back from her hotel the family was asking her about her dissertation that she was finally almost done with and ignored my PR deal. She said she’s basically done and needs to edit and write acknowledgments. I said I hope she’d acknowledge her jealousy and competitiveness with me as the driving force behind her work.
She just laughed and turned away and I said ‘no seriously’ and she said, ‘it wouldn’t be true.’ My family is now mad and calling ME jealous and apparently can’t see that she only does things to compete with me and can’t handle me having attention instead of her.
They called me pathetic. But AITJ for finally pointing this out?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Maybe it started as a competition, but nobody gets a Master’s and then a Ph.D. because they are competitive. Are you seriously saying that she has spent the past 10 years of her life doing something she hated just because you liked it and did it well enough to be successful at it?
Sorry, I don’t think so.
Maybe it started that way, but you both have your achievements, which are very different. Yours seems more lifestyle casual and hers seems more academic. The fact that she is writing ‘chapters’ seems to indicate so.
Also. Please pick up academic books in college. They are filled with multiple authors, who write either chapters or sections. Not many people write academic books in their entirety.
It sucks that your family can’t see your achievements and appreciate them, but doesn’t look like your cousin’s fault.
Many families don’t understand blogging as a career and can’t see it as an achievement. Please have a talk with your family and at the same time self-reflect on why your cousin’s achievements are bothering you.” I-wonder-why2022
Another User Comments:
“As an academic. YTJ. Massively.
While at this point, yes, spite is the driving force behind me finishing my Ph.D., nobody gets upper-level degrees because they’re jealous of your paltry 2k blog followers.
And ‘she only publishes articles and chapters in books but she’s not good enough to publish a whole book by herself’ EXCUSE YOU.
This sentence alone shows you have zero experience with REAL ACADEMIC writing. It is incredibly prestigious to be asked to submit a chapter in an edited volume. Far more so than publishing your own book. Those journal articles? They get ripped to shreds by her peers before they get published. For everyone she’s gotten published, she probably has gotten five or six rejections and she keeps submitting her work for review even though it’s more likely to get kicked back than actually published.
You can spout whatever drivel on your blog with no accountability. She has to go through rigorous peer review to get her work read by other members of the academic community.
If anyone is jealous and petty, it’s you.” Yrxora
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It does sound like she was trying to compete with you when you were kids; you aren’t kids anymore. As someone else said, no one gets a Masters and Ph.D. out of spite – all that work?
the money involved? No.
It truly sounds like, if she was trying to compete with you in the first place, she accidentally found a niche for herself that gave her the passion and drive she needed to focus on someone besides you.
And honestly, she may never have been competing with you in the first place. You are so dismissive of everything she did and make extrapolations as to why while putting her down (she only enjoyed writing when there were no ‘rules’, she travels to ‘conferences or whatever’).
See a therapist if possible about these thoughts and this issue. Even if this was her MASTER PLAN ALL ALONG, spending her ENTIRE LIFE to put you to shame, you still need to find a way to detach from whatever it is she does or doesn’t do – if you can’t find it in you to be happy for her success, which it sure sounds like is off the table, unfortunately.
Why do you think you’re ‘making more impact in (your) work’, by the way? Yikers.” holyflurkingsnit
3. AITJ For "Tricking" My Sister-In-Law Into Trying Keto?
“I (28F) have been on keto for the last two years. I tried it because I was always feeling bloated and crappy after eating and was struggling to lose weight.
Keto really helped with my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and other gastro symptoms and I’ve lost some weight and am keeping it off.
My brother (25M) married my SIL (24F) last year. SIL and I have always been cordial and she’s a nice lady but we haven’t gotten close yet.
I’m really close to my brother so I see him often and usually have lunch or dinner together at least once a week.
SIL eats a ton of fast food and pasta and generally unhealthy stuff but works out a lot so manages to stay thin.
She doesn’t have the most mature palate but bro is pretty open-minded and had tried and liked keto food with me.
She and my brother know I’m keto and SIL sometimes makes fun of me for it and tells me I should just ‘eat some pasta’ a lot and just work out like she does.
Usually, it’s just a few joking sorts of comments every now and then and she’s not rude about it so I’ve let it slide.
Yesterday I invited her and brother to my place for dinner.
I asked him and SIL if they had any preferences or ideas for what to have for dinner.
My brother said anything was fine and they were excited about my cooking.
I made a tasty keto meal and tried to make stuff I thought SIL would like too. I did bacon-wrapped sausages as a main, one of my favorites, and then a side of cauliflower rice with broccoli and bacon.
They came over and my SIL was acting a little strange as I brought out the food and asked ‘jokingly’ where the bread was but everything was going fine.
We were partway thru the meal when my brother asked what everything was.
I told them and my SIL got upset, saying that I tricked them with ‘fake rice’ and that I was being sneaky and unreasonable and trying to force keto on her.
She refused to eat with us after that and ordered some fast food takeout.
I was a little offended and then I suggested to my brother afterward that maybe we could just do a meal the two of us and SIL overheard and accused me of trying to force others to do keto and leaving her out, and why couldn’t I just make real rice or pasta like a ‘normal person’ and that I should have known better than to make my ‘weird food’ for other people.
I didn’t mean to offend my SIL I guess I should have known and tried to make some carbs but the food was really tasty and I didn’t think I was forcing anyone…
So sanity check here, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She knows you’re on Keto and agreed to come to your home for a meal. Therefore it’s a reasonable expectation that the meal would be Keto or at least Keto friendly.
The girl could have talked to you in advance about having some non-keto foods as part of that shared meal like a reasonable adult or offered to bring a non-keto side dish to share if carbs matter to her that much.
The way it reads, the girl instead threw a hissy fit over things not revolving around her and her choices while she was a guest in someone else’s home. In my honest opinion, that makes her the jerk.” italianlovesherirish
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She acted like a child and behaved rudely and immaturely; there should have been no issue with eating someone’s style of food for dinner at THEIR HOUSE. However, you absolutely know, deep down, that you went into this with either thought of ‘I’ll show her the right way forward – my food will convince her I’m correct!’ or, worse, the secret childish hope that she would in fact react as she did, and you can be the befuddled but morally correct wounded party.
Reading the way you write about her food and yours makes it clear that the moralizing that is inherent in ‘healthy eating’ culture, or ‘keto’ culture, is the lens through which you see everyone else’s choices. It’s cool you found something that works for you.
That doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else and, frankly, even if it IS working for you for some reason it could be hurting you in other ways if you’re not fully aware of how your body uses different foods and their sensitivities.
Keto is not a catch-all fix for everyone. Health is extremely subjective from person to person.
Clearly, food is a hot-button between you two and I’d suggest literally never bringing it up again if possible and staying focused on your own plate.” holyflurkingsnit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s being childish, she knows you’re on a keto diet, and probably knows you struggle with gastrointestinal issues yet is all surprised when you make a keto meal for them. You asked if they wanted anything specific and they said no, you prepared a delicious-sounding meal (seriously, drop that cauliflower rice, broccoli, and bacon recipe), and she took note of the lack of carbs but waited halfway through the meal to act all surprised you made a keto meal.
Honestly, it just sounds like she’s trying to cause problems on purpose. If I were you I’d talk to your brother about spending more one-on-one time with just the two of you and leaving her at home, otherwise, it’s gonna be a constant uphill battle with her being immature about some ridiculous crap.” Defiant_Post5470
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with a soft ‘everyone sucks here’. You both have very different attitudes toward food, and it works for each of you, which is great! But it obviously clashes when it comes to trying to arrange things like this.
I think you both need to try to find a middle ground here. It’s incredibly rude of her to expect to have exactly the things she likes to eat when you’re generously hosting a meal at your house.
She didn’t even try it and ordered fast food. It might have been a nice gesture to have a small portion of rice for her and say something like ‘I know you’re not into keto, but the cauliflower rice is here if you want to give it a try’.
That being said, it seems like she’s not willing to put in this same effort. Maybe you can issue challenges to each other – see who can do the best meal in the other’s preference. You a pasta dish, her a keto dish.
It could wind up being a good experience for your two, or it could bomb and you just let it go.” No-Flight7858
2. AITJ For Making My Mother-In-Law And Her Husband Stay At A Hotel?
“My husband’s mom recently came to stay with us with her husband and their three-year-old twins. I really didn’t want them here but I know he loves and misses her, and he wanted her to meet our seven-month-old son. The nearest hotel is pretty far and kind of gross.
Our house is somewhat cramped. We had our room, our son has his nursery, and there was a small room for MIL and her family. MIL’s husband was clearly not happy about having to have the kids in bed. He kept complaining loudly about how four people weren’t going to fit, he can’t sleep with two kids wiggling, etc. I was getting pretty annoyed as it isn’t my fault we don’t have a bigger house.
Well, I woke up at 5:30 to screaming because he couldn’t sleep, so decided it was an appropriate time to wrestle/ play tickle monster/throw pillows around with the twins. I was furious and hit on the door. He gave a half-hearted apology.
I talked to MIL later but she brushed me off (though she was the one screaming b****y murder) She told me to talk to him and it isn’t her problem. At this point, my son was crying and there was no hope of getting any more sleep
I was furious and told her to get out. She didn’t take me seriously so I began packing at which point she freaked out about don’t touch her stuff. I informed her she needed to go to a hotel. She had an attitude but did (not the gross one, so one even further) Her husband called me ridiculous and uptight.
My husband backed me in front of them but is clearly annoyed. He said I am being unfair as they have little kids as well.
MIL is at the hotel and refusing to step foot in the house again and expecting my husband to go to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if they weren’t happy with the arrangement from the start they shouldn’t have taken up the offer. What were they expecting? For you and your husband to give up your bed and sleep on the floor?
Also, it could be understandable if there were some noise given that they are cramped with 2 three-year-olds and maybe they had some difficulty sleeping, but that is quite different from playing wrestle.
Your MIL should have stood up to her husband, not brushed it off as your problem, and your husband should probably grow some balls and learn how to oppose his mother.” StrikingAirport77
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the kids and the husband.
You didn’t want them there so you made their arrangements as uncomfortable as possible. Have you ever tried to sleep with a 3-year-old? It’s pure torture. I can’t imagine two adults and two 3-year-olds in one bed. Ugh!
They were bad houseguests to wake you up. And not giving a proper apology.
You kicked them to the curb with nowhere to go. No hotel is going to accommodate them that early in the day.
Then you have the nerve to expect them to come back to a place where you’ve made it entirely clear they are not welcome.
You didn’t want them there and now they’re not there. Not sure why you’re complaining.” nykiek
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. These people are family, you lose a few hours of sleep and throw them to the curb? You should have told them to find a hotel before coming if you didn’t want to host them properly.
If you knew they were coming why didn’t you prepare enough sleeping room for 4 people? The guy was right it wasn’t gonna work with 1 bed. You should have put out an air mattress or something. You also didn’t need to force them all into a tiny guest room.
You could have moved your son’s crib into your room and had the twins sleep in the nursery so people are more reasonably spaced out.
You basically set this up to fail and are now blaming them because you weren’t willing, to be honest, and say you don’t want them, but you weren’t willing to actually deal with them either.
You literally shoved the problem into a corner until you were forced to deal with it. Your husband is also guilty here because he also should have seen the problems with the bed situation.” GregFirehawk
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you’ve clearly wanted to make this as uncomfortable for your MIL as possible.
I get that your place is small, but two 3 year old can sleep on a couch or the floor, you could use a blow-up mattress or spare blankets. Kids wouldn’t care, it would be an adventure for them. Putting 4 people in 1 bed assures that they won’t get a good night’s sleep.
MIL’s husband was loud, but I’m not even blaming him that much. It was obvious they wouldn’t be able to sleep and what is he supposed to do with two awake energetic toddlers?
Did you warn them that you will provide only one bed for all of them?
If they knew and didn’t come up with other solutions that they suck too if they didn’t know then you are the bigger jerk.” Labelloenchanted
1. AITJ For "Ruining Christmas"?
“So, I (M15) decorated the house for Christmas today (I’m one of those people who get excited for every holiday) Anyways, I re-arranged the living room with help from my dad, cleaned the house, put up decorations, the whole package.
The last step of getting our house into the holiday spirit was the tree. I and my father painstakingly lugged the tree and two big boxes of ornaments upstairs, and then he put up the tree while we waited for my mother to arrive home with some takeout, candy canes, and hot chocolate.
It was meant to be a good night, the plan was to have dinner, decorate the tree, and then watch Polar Express. (a family favorite minus my older sister)
When it came time to eat and decorate the tree my parents were already in a rocky mood due to a ‘lovely’ call with my grandmother.
Basically, the mood went from holiday cheer to a Jurassic park ‘don’t make a sound the t-Rex is here’ type of environment.
Like I said, I had been cleaning and stuff all day and despite my caffeine intake, I was super tired. I decided that I would sit back with some hot chocolate and let my little sister do her thing (which she was more than okay with doing, she got all the good ornaments to put up.) My parents did not like that choice though, I tried to explain that I was tired and had already done a bunch but my mother got mad and ended up yelling ‘THANKS FOR RUINING CHRISTMAS.’ Then my father decided he wanted to add on and said ‘you always have an answer for everything; maybe you should just be quiet from now on.’
I went to my room and my mother was now talking to a friend saying I’m a brat and just stormed off cause I was ‘mad I had to help a bit’.
So; am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom made a major misstep here. She was mad at the call and took it out on you. This doesn’t excuse her behavior by any means. What she said was total crap and I hope you get an apology from her.
You most certainly did not ruin Christmas. I think it’s awesome that you go all out with the prep work as well as the decorating. Hopefully, tomorrow will be different once she’s had time to process the call and how she reacted to everyone afterward.” DreamyDragonfly77
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
All of you have issues.
It seems the others had also done the equivalent amount of cleaning, arranging, and running around, yet were still continuing to assist.
Dad, for example, who helped you clean and rearrange, did not just sit there and say do the rest, I’m tired. If he had, we’d be flambeing him alive.
So with the fact that everyone had also done a lot in mind, yeah, giving an imperial wave and saying ‘no thanks, I’ve done enough’ when moods were high and you were asked to help wasn’t going to go over well.
However, your mom seriously needs better methods of managing her emotions. Jumping straight to ‘Everything is Ruined and It’s All Your Fault!’ is not good or healthy and is very melodramatic. If the grandma’s call has been that bad, she should have tried some way to excuse herself and calm down.
Dad seems mainly mad that his attempts to calm your mom down weren’t working, and that you made his job harder.” millac
