People Call On Us For Answers In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Telling My Kids To Borrow Funds From Their Sister?
“I have 4 kids, Carmen (32), Elisa (28), Michael (26), and Andrew (21).
Carmen and Michael are both lower middle class. Carmen is a single mom of 2 and works as a nurse. Michael and his wife are teachers and are expecting their first child. Carmen makes $100k. Michael and his wife make a little over $100k combined and we live in California near the Bay Area, where 100k is considered low income.
Elisa is a nanny for an extremely rich family. I don’t know if she’s considered live-in because she lives in a separate house but on the same property. She makes $250k per year plus bonuses, doesn’t pay for rent or utilities, rarely buys groceries because she always eats with the family, they bought her a brand new car, they pay for her gas, maintenance, all of her medical, dental, vision, etc. is 100% paid for by the family.
They even pay for her gym membership and her vacations. She’s worked for them for 2 years now and recently bought a rental building in cash. Needless to say, she’s doing very well for herself.
Michael and Andrew just asked me for money. Michael needs $30k for part of a down payment for a townhouse and Andrew wants $10k so he could graduate with no debt.
I told them to ask Elisa for money, not me, and that she could easily afford to help them out.
Elisa called me the other day asking what I said to her brothers because now they’re both asking her for money. I told her what I told them and she yelled at me for ‘volunteering’ her to help with her brothers’ expenses.
I told her that I never said she would help them, I just said that she easily could. She said she doesn’t feel comfortable loaning funds to her family because she doesn’t want to risk their relationship if they don’t pay her back. I told her it shouldn’t be a big deal if they don’t pay her back because we know her Christmas bonus will be close to double what her brothers want, plus if she says no she could potentially risk her relationship with her brothers because she can afford it.
She hung up on me and hasn’t spoken to me since then so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You basically reviewed your daughter’s finances and deemed that she can afford to give thousands of dollars to your children… without even speaking to her.
You could’ve simply said no to your sons! Instead, you created family drama among your children! If I was her I wouldn’t share any of my business with you ever again. You seem to hold her success against her… she worked her butt off and made sacrifices to plan for her future.
Working with wealthy people is exhausting. They are demanding and fickle. Kids are work, too. Ugh!” Ariesinnc3017
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You had no right to offer up your daughter’s hard-earned money and her reaction is 100% justified. You don’t know the ins and outs of her life and sure, she might not have many expenses (from what she’s disclosed to you), but her spending — or lack thereof — is none of your business.
Also, I’m sure her siblings are aware of her money situation and there’s a reason they asked you and not her to loan them funds. If you can’t afford to foot their bill, say so. Don’t shirk the debt onto your other child.
Mom, what you did wasn’t cool.” YuhMissed
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Let’s look at a hypothetical, here.
You have money that you don’t necessarily NEED, and when asked you lend your brother $30k and your sister $10k. You all agree that you’ll be paid back in a year and you’re all happy with that.
A year comes and goes. Your siblings don’t pay you back and either outright refuse or come up with excuses. They don’t care what was agreed upon and haven’t paid anything back to you. You’re frustrated because that $40k was meant to come back to you and you’ve planned accordingly.
It’s quite literally enough to buy a house in some states. You’re not suffering without it, but now there’s this unspoken tension between you and your siblings because they know they owe you but haven’t paid you back.
And when you talk to your mom about it, she tells you ‘They’re never paying you back, but you get like… a Christmas bonus, right?
You’re being selfish, just get over it.’
Pretty obvious who the jerk is there.
Not that she will, or anything, but what if your daughter gets fired? Or what if something happens to her employers? She’ll then be jobless and homeless in a high-cost-of-living area and that $40k might be make or break for her.” Trouble_in_Mind
16. AITJ For Uninviting My Mother-In-Law And Sister-In-Law From Everything?
“I am 7 months pregnant with my first child. The baby is also the first grandchild/nephew of my husband’s family which everyone is excited about.
I lost my mother and father, so being an only child there’s not much of my family.
Since the death of my parents (1 year ago), my husband’s family has welcomed me with open arms as part of them and I have become very close to my MIL and SIL.
I always wanted to have a gender reveal and I trusted my SIL to organize everything about this.
With 3 days to go before the party, I started to receive messages from all my husband’s relatives and even close friends congratulating me on my baby being a boy.
I went to ask what happened, and my SIL confessed that she let it slip to my MIL and she told everyone the gender of the baby after knowing because she couldn’t hold it and it took proportions beyond what they imagined. Nobody called me to tell me this.
The party was canceled and I was heartbroken, as well as extremely hurt by the two of them.
Usually, they accompany me to the ultrasound, shop for the baby’s room and my MIL would stay at the time of delivery.
But after this breach of trust, I stopped inviting them and asked them to respect my boundaries when they pressured me to go.
Honestly, I didn’t even send them the baby shower invite, because I really avoided contact with them as much as possible. Because everyone knew before me that it was a boy.
My husband started complaining that I was pushing them away because of a mistake that could happen and that I was being harsh.
Yesterday he brought up this and when I said that I still didn’t feel comfortable with them, he said ‘Soon you’ll tell me that my mother won’t be able to go to the birth’.
I think my face showed my response and he started saying I was being too hard on her because she was just excited and blah blah.
I had my limit and said, ‘If you keep pushing me, it won’t just be your mother who won’t be at my labor. So either stop or you won’t come in.’
He started to say that I was crossing lines and that he had a right to have this moment.
I was taking this too far.
He slept on the couch and doesn’t talk to me more than necessary.
AITJ?
Well, you might say it’s just a gender reveal. I honestly don’t care for that and I think it’s tacky, but my mom was the type who likes/loves it and she always dreamed of having grandchildren, she said she was made to be a grandmother.
She can’t meet my son or even know I’m pregnant, so I wanted to do something tacky that I don’t care for her, not for me. Everyone knew the importance and the reason. I always wanted to have a gender reveal with my mom there and I didn’t have either.
Let’s go to some points:
At no time did I say that I would never approach them again. But RIGHT NOW, I don’t see myself doing that. I already have grief, pregnancy hormones, and day-to-day stress to deal with so I don’t want anything else to bother me.
Obviously, I want my husband to be with me during childbirth. But it’s a lot of stress, he brings up this topic all the time and I doubt he’ll stop even at the time of my delivery trying to convince me. Even if he goes, if he says anything about his mother coming, I’ll ask him to leave.”
Another User Comments:
“‘My husband started complaining that I was pushing them away because of a mistake that could happen and that I was being harsh.’
This wasn’t a mistake – this was a choice. Your SIL made a choice and told MIL. MIL then made a choice to tell everyone else in the family.
Your husband is making the choice to pressure you into things, which is leaving you to make some choices of your own now.
You are allowed to make your own choices. Nobody, not even the husband has a right to be in the delivery room (may seem harsh but it’s true).
The person going through the procedure has the choice of who gets to be in there. Birthing a child is not an all-access pass for everybody else who wants to be in there. It’s not a spectator sport – it’s a medical procedure to get a little human out of another human.
NTJ.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband is a huge jerk for thinking mommy’s ‘excitement’ is a higher priority than the woman who is actually pregnant. It sounds like your husband is using you as a surrogate to give mommy and sissy a new toy.
No way should his mother be at the birth. It is your medical procedure and the only priority is keeping you and your baby safe and healthy. It is not dinner theater where your husband is entitled to sell tickets to the show.” Bitter-Conflict-4089
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if it was a ‘mistake’ (I don’t buy it. One person is an accident, the whole family was absolutely a choice, and MIL absolutely COULD have held it in.), it was a profoundly hurtful one and they should be apologizing profusely and being very understanding of your boundaries going forward.
If your husband keeps acting like you’re being ridiculous and stonewalling you through your pregnancy for having some boundaries with his family that screwed you over, you may have some very hard decisions to make indeed.
You’re in a vulnerable spot, and all of them need to wake up and see YOU and YOUR needs, not just ‘their’ first baby boy.
This whole thing feels off to me.” PsilosirenRose
15. AITJ For Not Renewing My Sister's Contract?
“I (37f) have a company & was looking for a worker. My older sister (39f) just got fired from her work & was dealing with other personal issues in her life.
Our mother (60 years old) asked me if it was possible to hire my sister.
My sister had not really asked for my help in this regard. Long story short, I hired my sister. She got a type A visa, which is one of the best visas you can have in this foreign country.
For context, she needed a visa to stay in this foreign country.
She was also going to use that visa to petition for her daughter to come here as well as apply for social benefits for her newborn son.
I hired my sister since I was going to hire someone anyway. So why not her? & also she does have some qualifications in the field.
So her hiring is not purely blind. There’s some merit to it.
1 year into her employment, she went into 1 year of paid maternity leave. She was employed for a total of 3 years. She also got into a 2-year apprenticeship with my encouragement and support.
When she came back to work after her maternity leave, her work performance was greatly affected.
Personally, I understand that she has a lot going on: a newborn son, her daughter just started school, going back to work, starting school, and learning a new language. To clarify, where we are work-life balance is of top priority, so I know for a fact that all workers in my company are given the same workload & same work hours.
I have other mothers as employees, & I myself am a mother of 2.
During her employment, she would come in late for work, leave early, not attend meetings or stay shorter than everyone else, use work resources for personal use, etc.
Due to her lackluster performance, I decided not to renew her work contract.
I informed her in 04/2022, her contract ends on 06/2022. We are in Scandinavia, so Europeans can understand this (probably a foreign concept for Americans).
INFO: We have had development discussions focused on how our company can help her. We’ve given her an hour every day just for her planning, hired another worker to help her out even though it was unnecessary, lessened her workload, and been very flexible whenever she needed to be off from work, etc.
Our parents, especially our mom, made me feel so bad about it. How can I not think about my niece and nephew’s future? I should let my older sister stay in the company until she finishes her studies, or at least until she has found another job.
My sister feels the same way. How can I be so selfish? How could I do this to her at this time of her life? (The son is 2 years old by now.) Why do I ‘add salt to her wound’? How could I keep putting her down when she’s already down?
I told our mom & my sister that my sister wasn’t ‘down’: her visa is renewed for another 4 years so as for her children, she has more qualifications than most people who apply in this field, & she speaks the language that is required in this field.
She is actually in a very good position.
AITJ for not renewing her contract at that time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If an employee who wasn’t related to you was hired instead and showed the same lack of work ethic and responsibility on the job, you would let them go as well.
Your sister’s situation is unfortunate, but it is her fault alone that this position didn’t work out. She put you in a difficult position when she slacked off on the job. I usually advise against employing family members for reasons like this. She only has herself to blame for this.
It isn’t fair to the rest of the employees that she wasn’t pulling her weight. You were compassionate, and you understand her struggles, but if the job was so important to her and her plans to petition for her children she should have put the work in.” Lalalabambi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘One door closes, another opens.’ I imagine she feels a sense of accomplishment for securing a job on her own, without any help from you. It doesn’t sound like she’s really throwing herself a pity party. The other relatives are doing this.
Just ignore them. If you should ever happen to find yourself in a position like this again, rather than vowing never to help another family member, give them a very thorough lecture, using your sister as an example of what could happen. You cannot under any circumstances make exceptions to the rules.
I think you did fine, she did fine, and sooner or later, your hovering older relatives will get over this.” PandoraClove
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand the cultural work/life balance, my country is very similar. However, that doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Work/life balance is balance, not letting one side fall down to do what you want in the other. It sounds like she was expecting preferential treatment because she’s your sister. She’ll either sink or swim at her new job (I bet a new employer wouldn’t like her just leaving whenever she feels like it).
The real jerks here are your parents. They’re trying to involve themselves in your business decisions for personal reasons. You did a good thing for your sister, no one appreciated it enough to not take advantage. Learn your lesson here, don’t employ family/friends.” Natural_Garbage7674
14. AITJ For Not Choosing My Mom As A Beneficiary?
“Two weeks ago I (27F) started my dream job. It’s nothing glamorous or super high paying but it’s a step in that direction. Salary wise I make what both my parents make combined annually. And part of my benefits package is a company-paid life insurance policy that pays out a year’s salary to the beneficiary of my choosing.
I’m single with no kids and I live with my parents. I have an older brother who is a mess and a nephew from said brother who is 8.
My brother is horrible with money, can’t keep a job to save his life, and is behind on child support payments.
He also doesn’t have primary custody of my nephew.
My nephew’s mom has three other kids with all different dads, lives off welfare, and has multiple child support payments.
Because of this putting my nephew down as a beneficiary doesn’t seem like a good option until he’s at least 18.
In my mom’s eyes, my brother can do no wrong. She will bend over backward to give him money if he needs it. He didn’t have the same opportunities to go to college as me so it’s not fair to expect so much of him.
We were raised by the same parents in the same house with the same budget but he just chose to drop out of community college to get married at 20. On top of this, my mom had a lot of family in Mexico and she sends more than half of her paycheck to keep all of her siblings and nephews over there housed, fed… etc. when they are all older, have their own homes, and kids that help them out as well.
She’s just bad with finances and never even checks her bank account, as long as the card gets approved it’s all good in her eyes. It’s for this reason that my mom and dad separated their finances.
My dad is the one that pays the bills and keeps everyone on track.
He is strict and tough but he will never leave my brother or nephew on the streets. We have the same priorities in keeping our household afloat and only helping others when it’s okay and they absolutely need it.
So yesterday I asked my dad for his info to put him down as my sole beneficiary.
I explained to him why I was doing this and what I would like him to do with the cash should anything happen to me. It’ll be a safety net for the family. Not to be used to pay child support or any divorces or custody battles my brother may have in the future – that’s his responsibility.
No sending money to relatives in other countries. I’ve only met them once in my whole life and they can take care of themselves. And if there is enough down the line, to help pay for my nephew’s college if he chooses to go when the time comes.
My dad agreed. My mom on the other hand did not. She overheard the whole thing and is now mad I wouldn’t put her down as a beneficiary. Like passive-aggressively.
So am I the jerk for not putting my mom down as a life insurance beneficiary?”
Another User Comments:
“Jesus it sucks that you even have to ask but no… you are NTJ. You are intelligent, mature, and rooted in common sense regarding your future and that of your family. Please don’t respond to guilt, manipulation, and the false sense of obligation your mom is attempting to beleaguer you with.
Those are all means that people use to get their selfish needs met. If you follow your plans with YOUR money it will provide long-term benefits for your father and nephew and they are the only ones who deserve to be considered in this matter.
Good luck!” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You get to choose your own beneficiaries. And this is the bit where I say I’m not a lawyer but also it might be a good time to think about and write an advance medical directive and potentially a will.
An advance medical directive lets you detail the kind of care you do (or don’t) want ahead of time in the event of an emergency and who your healthcare proxy will be, ie who will make healthcare decisions for you if you’re incapable of making them yourself.
Typically this would be a spouse if married or parents if unmarried but you can choose whoever you want. All of this is a bit morbid to think about but it’s mostly just a way of spelling out exactly how you want things to go in the case of something terrible like an accident or your death occurring.
My parents set those things up a few years ago and it’s been a load off of my mind knowing I know exactly how they want things handled if something were to go wrong.” SheepPup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That sounds very thoughtful and smart.
I’m glad your dad is someone who will respect your wishes about where you would want that money to go. I applaud you for thinking the beneficiary situation through so realistically.
Also, maybe remind your mom that the actual hope is that neither of them will ever get that money because you plan to live a long and happy life!
She’s getting upset over imaginary money.” Illustrious-Shirt569
13. AITJ For Getting Married 3 Months After My Best Friend's Wedding?
“My best friend of 12 years got engaged a year and a half ago and is getting married July 2023 and I will be a bridesmaid. I took off work to be there for her engagement because it was a very special moment for her and I am also taking time off to go to all her wedding festivities and her wedding.
I work shift work and don’t get a lot of vacation, so many days I will be missing will be without pay.
I got engaged a month ago and we want to get married next year Oct 2023. We bought a house together last year and are excited to finally tie the knot!
Before congratulating me on the engagement (which she never did anyways. The only thing she said to me was that she was shocked) she was talking to our friends saying she would be upset if we got married the same year as her. She wants all the attention and everyone’s focus to be on her (I didn’t know this yet).
We have different friends and there would be maybe 4 people attending both weddings.
Once our venue was booked, I told her we were going to get married Oct 2023 and how excited I was! I told them I was excited that we could plan together and share ideas and vendors, and ultimately move into the next chapters of our lives together.
She immediately said that she can’t be a part of the planning for my wedding as she is very stressed out about her wedding. That’s fine, I get that. I told her not to worry about my wedding and that the only thing that was important to me is that she was standing beside me on my wedding day.
She has since blocked me from all the planning for her wedding.
Yesterday I told her what day we will be getting married and she said she will be on call that day and since she started this new job she won’t be able to have her on-call shift switched with someone else.
I thought this was ridiculous that with a year’s notice, she isn’t able to have the day off. She said she had made prior commitments and used vacation for those other commitments already. She is not going to put the effort in to try and make it to my wedding.
I expressed how upset I was that she won’t be attending the biggest day of my life and she got mad at me for being upset. She never directly told me that she didn’t want me to get married the same year, I heard it from a mutual friend.
I think she is purposely making it so she doesn’t attend my wedding.
12 years of friendship is being flushed down the toilet because I want to get married the same year as her. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is. It’s a wedding day, not a year and she has no right to try and ban any one of you from getting married the same year.
The fact that she is then pathetic enough, after all those years of friendship and everything you have done and given up for her, to then be such a spiteful and hateful person (would call her something else but not sure of the rules on swearing) shows you that she was never truly your friend.
She never even told you to your face. Congrats on your engagement and I hope you enjoy your wedding day with all your loved ones.” Embarrassed_Till_171
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but drop out of the wedding party so that you have paid time to take off for your honeymoon and things you want to do for YOUR wedding!
Obviously, this person (I’m not insulting the entire female gender, of which I’m one) has claimed the entire year of 2023 as hers only, for the privilege of getting married. She gets 1 day! ONE day! Not 365! As she can’t be bothered congratulating you and has blocked you from all wedding planning information, sites, etc., obviously, she doesn’t value your input, so why should you waste your PTO and definitely unpaid days for her?
Send her an email, copy other bridesmaids (so she can’t lie to them & spin the story her way) and her mother, telling her that since she’s blocked you on all planning sites, she obviously doesn’t value your opinion and you feel your position as bridesmaid should go to someone she likes better.
Wish her a happy wedding, then block her on all your social media sites! Don’t respond to other bridesmaids or her mother trying to tell you that you misunderstood. You didn’t. She’s the one who ended a friendship of 12 years because you decided to get married 3 months after her.
In a totally different season!” Laukie220
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. She does not have the right to claim an entire year to herself. She is the type that thinks the world revolves around her because she bought into the hype. How sad she will be when the wedding is done and she has pushed her friends aside and the fawning vendors are no longer catering to her.
At that point, she will see all the bridges that she burned, all because she couldn’t understand that marriage and friendships are the important parts.” tphatmcgee
12. AITJ For Walking Out Of My Parents' House?
“I’m the middle child of five kids. There’s my older brother Mike (34m), older sister Ava (31f), me (29f), younger sister Jessie (27f), and younger brother Luke (25m). I have always felt like a bit of an outsider in my family. I’m always invited to stuff but not always included. They never really tell me anything or come to me about stuff they are dealing with.
I have tried to be there over the years for them but get shut out somewhat. Like they will say nothing is wrong but then confide in the other siblings/our parents and I am usually left to find out last. Things like I was the last one to find out Ava’s childhood friend was sick even though I was the first to notice something was wrong and reached out to Ava, or the fact I found out with the extended family that Luke was graduating top of his class even though I always asked how he was doing, etc, or the fact I found out Mike was engaged on social media when he called our parents and siblings to tell them personally.
They have always made an effort to know what each other likes too but never what I like and I made the effort to learn their likes and dislikes too. It’s the kind of thing where I just had to accept that it was our relationship and I put my time into focusing on other relationships like with my husband, with my in-laws who treat me like one of their own, and with friends who seem to care about me.
I’m kind of used to being overlooked by my family so it just was what it was. I have brought it up to them before but they would overlook it each and every time. Starting from the time I was 6 and spoke to my parents to into my teens and early 20s when I spoke to all of them about it.
I’m expecting my first child and I went to announce it to my family during a dinner my parents had planned. They have those sometimes. All of them assumed they were the first to know and when they realized they weren’t, through stuff my husband and I had said, they got so angry about it.
They complained about finding out after my in-laws and friends and I pointed out that they never keep me in the know first. They said I was exaggerating. They said it was different. They told me that I should still tell them before others. This is when I got mad and I told them they can’t expect me to be overlooked and kept on the outside but for me to make them a priority.
I told them I have feelings too and that they knew it had hurt my feelings and couldn’t expect me to chase them. They told me I was prioritizing my in-laws and friends above family and that I was creating distance. I told them there wasn’t a single time they ever prioritized me as part of the family and I wasn’t going to stand there and let them say I was the cause of it all.
That’s when I just got up and left.
I got messages from all of them saying I had walked out like a child and was rude. They said I should have stayed and discussed it like adults.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, congratulations OP on your pregnancy!
I wish you a safe and happy journey all the way through to your delivery.
You’ve been dealing with this your whole life, and during that dinner, you finally stood up for yourself. If not anybody else, I’m proud of you for it.
You’ve been expressing to your family for years how you have felt left out etc. From what I’ve read in the post, they haven’t tried one bit to make you feel more comfortable and accepted.
If your in-laws have treated you exceptionally from day one, and your own family has not, then that isn’t your fault for letting them know such an important part of your life first.
I’m sorry for what you’ve had to deal with your own family, but on the bright side, you have ILs that accept and love you for whom you are. Time for a new start at what you deserve. Much love. And again, NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t believe you are imagining the ‘outsider’ stuff. It’s the same for me in my family – I am always an afterthought. You are doing the right thing by investing in relationships with people who care about you e.g. your inlaws and friends.
I would continue to keep your family at arm’s length. If you invest further in that relationship you will only get hurt. Just brush off their delusional remarks and move on. The only other thing I would say is that as a person in a similar position, I used to do a lot of soul-searching to try to understand why I was not a priority for my family – but now I realize that it isn‘t anything inherent about me – family dynamics are inexplicable and there is no use trying to make sense of them.
So don’t let it affect your self-confidence.” Karnataka11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Before anything, I want to emphasize this. You are your own person, with your own man, your own house, and (hopefully soon) your own kid. You are completely allowed to walk out of whatever conversation or argument you want.
Legally, nothing wrong with that. Societally, nothing wrong with that. Relationally, surprisingly, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
This is actually something that shows maturity. Are you or the opposition getting heated? Walk away. That’s to be expected. That’s to be encouraged. If this fight was a fight worth having, it should still be worth having a week later when everyone has calmed down.
As for going forward, think about your relationship with your family. How much do you value it? Is it really worth it to expend more energy on this specific relationship? My recommended course of action would be to send them a message and explain why you did your actions, and firmly assert what you want out of them moving forwards, namely ‘more interaction and more care between both of us’.
Make sure to underline the consequences that will happen, should they choose not to follow your wishes.
So to sum it up, you are not the jerk, you’re an independent person who chose the more mature route.” StandingOnThinIce
11. AITJ For Ditching My Date?
“I am 26 M and tried talking to women on the internet for the first time. Got matched with a girl last week and she directly asked to meet and I said yes.
We decided on a common meeting point but when I reached there she was 30 minutes late and later told me it was very far so asked me to come over to some other place. I obliged and when I reached she was not there and said she is already sitting in a cafe which we have not decided on and asked me to come inside the cafe.
As soon as I reached inside, she started ordering like crazy – expensive booze and all kinds of food. I was not even hungry but she didn’t care to ask. I got a little skeptical as the place was expensive and she kept on ordering more shots.
And I don’t want to be the one paying for all that so I acted as if I got a call and I ditched her after 20 minutes. So am I the jerk for ditching the girl? Should I have waited it out and then paid the full bill like a gentleman?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Generally, most people mostly give advice on how to be safe on dates to women, but you need to understand that you have every right to keep yourself safe as well.
If someone makes you uncomfortable, leave.
If someone changes the location to a place you don’t know, don’t feel obligated to go there.
You can leave.
If someone changes the terms without asking for your consent, you don’t have to just accept that. You can leave.
If someone is/gets wasted, you can leave.
Basically, if someone makes you uncomfortable you have every right to remove yourself from that situation.
You did nothing wrong.” sunsetgal24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was using you. Her behavior is not okay. Typical dates do not go the way you describe. Yes, you left her, hopefully, it taught her a lesson about her appalling behavior. Why should you be on the hook for what was going to be hundreds, because you are a male?
These stories make the rounds over social media, occasionally. She tried to take you for a ride, and you refused.
You are not obligated to pay for your date, and 99% of people/women do not expect you to, especially on a first date. It’s a nice gesture, but not mandatory.
(I’m a woman if it matters.)
My advice would be, if you try meeting people online again, to invite them out for a coffee only. Insist, gently, on coffee. Believe me, this often is easier on women. It’s more casual, and the expectation of a connection is less.
If they try to change the location, be wary. It might just be that they prefer a different coffee spot. If they try it on the date itself, and it seems to be leading to your scenario, politely decline. Tell her you ate already, and only have enough cash to treat her to a coffee and pastry.
That you weren’t prepared for a lunch or dinner date today. And you were thinking if things go well over coffee, maybe she’d like to take a walk with you after. Enjoy your surroundings. Have a plan in your pocket for this too.
Like a nearby park/mall/gallery/museum/etc. Bring cash/leave cards at home. You’ll get a sense of their true intentions through this interaction.
Honestly, most people hear or read about coffee dates, and prepare for that themselves. Wanting to switch at the last minute on the date, is highly suspicious.
Unless it’s to another similar coffee/tea shop. Or unforeseen circumstances. Play it by ear. But be cautious. There are a lot of honest people on these sites, who are looking for a relationship, but there are also a lot of people like the girl in your post too.
A coffee date is perfectly acceptable. And neither you nor your date is out a lot of cash. This gives you both a chance to check each other out and see if you connect. If yes, great, go on to do other things. If you connect more as friends than romantically, then that’s something too.
Or you don’t connect at all. Then you can both say you gave it a go, and it was worth the experience.
I’ll say it again. NTJ.” 101037633
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In any first meeting scenario, romantic or business, it is important to make a good first impression.
You did so by being at the designated place at the designated time.
She failed miserably multiple times and in completely inconsiderate ways.
While you may feel the need to play the role of a gentleman by staying and paying the tab, she clearly refused to act like a lady and did not deserve to be treated as one.
If you haven’t yet, block her on any medium by which she might contact you (phone, social media, etc.). If you were connected via an app, swipe in a different direction if she ever shows up again as a potential match.” Upset-Valuable-2086
10. AITJ For Still Wearing My Deceased Fiancé's Ring?
“So I (29F) had a significant other from when I was 15 until I was 24. We got engaged when I was 22 and he was 25 but we just never got to the actual marrying part. We just had been busy with moving and starting our family. Until he suddenly passed away in a motorcycle accident when I was pregnant with his son.
It was unbearable. My heart was broken into a million pieces. On that day I lost my best friend, partner, and the father of my (unborn) son.
I always wore the ring on a necklace since I work in a hospital, cause I still want to have it with me.
Co-workers often thought it was strange that I didn’t want to move on, but I was moving on in my own way. I eventually meet my current partner (32) and we actually hit it off quite well. He treats my son like his own and takes very good care of me.
We eventually had the ‘dead fiance’ talk and he comforted me but told me that eventually, it had to pass. So now 2 years later, yesterday, he asks me why I still wear the ring. I explain that it’s an important part of me and I can’t just put it down.
He got upset with me and tried to take the necklace off. When I told him that I will not take the necklace off he started doubting my love for him.
He wasn’t gaslighting me or anything, he just said that it made him uncomfortable that I still wore my DEAD fiance’s ring around my neck.
It made him insecure and think that I still was in love with my ex-fiance. I tried to explain that it was just a memory of him and I’d rather have a ring than pictures or a tattoo (for example). We eventually decided to just let it go and now I can’t stop wondering if I’m in the wrong…
Edit: I already told him that I was very uncomfortable by the way he tried to take the necklace off. He understood and told me he would never do it again.
If you’re saying or thinking that I’m still in love with my ex-fiance: don’t bother.
Yes, I do love him still, but I am not IN love with him. He will always be a part of me and that’s it. I’ve worked on my grieving for the past 5 years, and I’m so much better. My son will know who his dad is and I will give him the ring when he is old enough.
Maybe I should take the ring off. I will. Just not now. If my SO proposes to me in the future I will take it off because it is indeed weird to wear 2 rings. But for now: I will NOT take off the ring.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can see both sides. Your partner is your present and it sounds like he could be your future. He treats you and your son very well and you love him. As someone who lost a fiance too soon, I understand the shock and grief – the what-should-have-been.
That you’re still wearing the ring daily seems to say you haven’t yet said goodbye. It might be time to set aside this symbol of your past. It doesn’t mean you’ll forget your fiance. Buy a special keepsake box and keep your fiance’s ring there – you can look at it whenever you wish and give it to your son when he’s ready.
It will be a sign to yourself and your partner that you’re ready to move forward. Having said that, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Good luck, OP.” NGDGUnpunished
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Love and grief are complicated. It’s weird to me that it bothers your current partner so much that you wear the ring on a necklace.
Like that’s a red flag to me especially since he got physical with you by trying to take it off of you. That’s really disturbing behavior. If I were you I’d set some firm boundaries and maybe rethink this relationship.
At the same time if you are still having issues processing your grief (I don’t think wearing the necklace is a sign of that but I don’t know your full situation) maybe look into speaking with a therapist or grief counselor.” lurkingvirgo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I understand why your fiancé is uncomfortable with your continuing to wear the ring since a ring is such a symbol of romantic love and marriage. I think pictures are less problematic because they are a part of your history and a part of your son’s life since he was the boy’s father and should have a prominent place in your son’s life as part of his heritage.
I would probably not wear the ring anymore and keep it as an heirloom for your son – maybe for his fiancee or daughter or grandchild.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was not just your fiance but the father of your child. The ring from him represents a memory, whereas your partner is the present and if you ever marry, your partner’s ring will be a promise.
The great thing about love is that it is infinite. Your love for your partner is in no way diminished by the love for your deceased fiance or the love for your child or your family. Maybe if you explain it like that your partner will understand that he is not in competition.
He is the present but that doesn’t mean you forget the past.” uwe0x123
9. AITJ For Wanting My Parents To Be Transparent With Their Spending?
“My parents have never been financially wise, and recently lost a large sum of their pension due to bad investments.
Additionally, they have some issues with the overconsumption of booze, which has been a problem for quite some time.
I am a full-time student, working on a part-time basis. I work and study in Europe and they live in South Africa. Due to their financial predicament, I have been working additional hours to support them financially.
However, it has placed tremendous strain on my studies, thus, I have asked them for a detailed account of their expenditure so I can see what more is needed and where we can possibly save. Moreover, I have asked them to not spend the funds I give them on booze and my dad continues to spend money on home upgrades, that aren’t needed, so I asked them to slow down and hold off on that too.
My mom burst out in tears telling me I’m making her feel inadequate and like a loser and treating them like children. She has this expectation that I should help without questioning how the money is being spent. I want to give with open hands and closed eyes, but I too have to budget.
It has been putting tremendous strain on my studies, and she makes me feel that each time I ask questions that I’m making her feel like she is incapable. After 2 weeks of radio silence, we have started speaking again, payday is coming up, and I’m too afraid to raise the question again.
But my Thesis and a state exam are due, and I won’t be able to earn as much over the next 2 months. How do I communicate to her that my questions are not to make her feel bad, but to help me plan and budget?
Regarding the issue with drinking, I myself do not drink, due to being raised in a family that does not handle it well. I don’t want to sponsor someone else’s bad habits and it feels like I am enabling them.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ!
You are not responsible for taking care of your parents. Their mistakes aren’t something you need to fix. You’re nicer than I am. I would completely cut them off as school comes first. That’s what will build your future but I understand you feel an obligation to help your family.
But it’s not your job. You don’t HAVE to. I would tell them that you can only give them x amount each month. And that’s the best you can do. No more than that. And what they spend it on is their business but you don’t support drinking.
You cannot continue to support them OP. You aren’t superhuman and can’t do it all. I wouldn’t even bother communicating about the questions and would instead tell them that it’s time you start putting your studies first.
You got this.” Littlemisswhitelies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s time to cut them off financially. Tell them that you’re cutting back on your hours to focus on the end of your studies. Remind them that you’re overseas for school, not work. You’ll still send them some money (that fits within your budget) but they’ll need to make it last because that’s all they’re getting for the next three months.
Tell them firmly that this is not a negotiation. Also warn them that if you receive calls from friends and family about how bad you’re treating them, you cut off the money flow permanently.” Flat_Contribution707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you truly feel compelled to help your parents financially you should ask them to give you the information for certain bills and you will pay them directly.
If they don’t agree with that what they are saying is that they just want you to give them money and I feel like that is wrong for them to ask given that they are currently in a bad financial situation partially because of their drinking.
Even if you were rich, which unfortunately you are not which makes this much more tenuous, it would be wrong for them to say that you should just act like a piggy bank and give them money without any opinion.” JCBashBash
8. AITJ For Taking My Daughter's New Phone Away?
“I have a daughter who recently turned 11. She has a different dad from the rest of my children. Whenever one of my kids turns 12 I buy them their first phone which is usually a cheap phone because I don’t think a kid needs an expensive phone.
She has been complaining recently and asking me to buy her a phone because all her friends have one. I told her she has to wait like her siblings did.
So imagine my surprise when today she came home from her dad’s and had a phone with her and not just a cheap phone, I don’t know much about phones but they looked expensive.
I was furious so I took her phone away and told her she is not getting it back until she turns 12.
She started to cry and called her dad who called me a jerk for taking the phone away. I told him he had no right to buy that for her and she should have got a cheap phone on her 12th birthday like the rest of her siblings.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You and the child’s father should have communicated a plan for something like this, and while I can understand your frustration to an extent, taking the phone away wasn’t the way to go.
Do you and he have trouble communicating often?
Your daughter might feel different or a bit of an outcast being the only one with a different father. To her, this was her father giving her the gift she wanted and she felt special, but she probably feels like you’re only doing this because of your dislike for her father.
You could have initially explained to her why you were taking it, but I don’t think it would’ve made much difference.
Either way, this WILL affect your relationship with her, it just depends on how strongly.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The genie has left the bottle OP.
You and your Ex failed to communicate and co-parent & now you’ve taken property that doesn’t belong to you to prove a point. She already has the phone. You can ask Dad to take it back until she’s twelve but that’s only going to 1) Make her Dad, who’s likely already the ‘fun’ parent, look like a saint to her (He’s a jerk too in this scenario) 2) Make your daughter resent you and 3) Stress you further because now you’re fighting with Ex AND your daughter both over a phone when there’s less than a year to go until 12.
Choose your battles more wisely in the war to raise a decent, kind, humble, and, well-rounded human being. As what sounds like the youngest sibling, you’re going to have many more instances where circumstances differ significantly enough that you can’t parent her EXACTLY as you did your older children.
You also have a different person to parent with than you do for the others.
Speak with Ex and, if possible create ground rules about the phone based on your child’s level of maturity & responsibility that will apply to BOTH households. Ask him to speak with her about why it is not acceptable to try to use him to skirt the rules at your house and express that this situation has caused you both to lose trust in her.
Speak with your daughter calmly and explain why you’re hurt by her circumventing your rules and how this can never happen again. Explain how following these ground rules will help you both regain some of that trust. There’s nothing wrong with an appropriate punishment for the deception.” Dissent-RN-78
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Instead of going for the root of the issue, i.e. your and her father’s inability to agree on the common rules to raise her, you are punishing the daughter for successfully finding a loophole in the rules. If you keep doing that, she’ll just keep running to daddy, at some point perhaps permanently.
Her father does indeed have every right to buy his own daughter a phone that he wants her to have, if you haven’t communicated and reached a compromise about the phones with him, it’s not your daughter’s fault. Return the phone, call the father, and ask if you can all sit down and find a reasonable compromise about gifts.” Sunny_Hill_1
7. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Pay For Her Own Hobbies?
“So my wife has always been into animal welfare. One could say it’s part of her charm. When we got married, she said she wanted to take care of animals for the rest of her life and I promised I would support her; the thing is, when we got married it was just 1 horse that we owned, a border horse (a horse that someone pays us money to live at our barn) and three dogs.
Not too bad.
A few years later she has been adding to this with really expensive animals. Three years later we now have five dogs, three horses, four donkeys a couple of cats, and a bird (I don’t know what it is). Every time she wants to add another, I say no because they’re expensive and we just don’t have the money right now, and she yells at me threatening divorce, and says I don’t support her, and tells me I should just leave.
Well, I can’t leave because I love her and we have children. So I’m forced to let her ‘save’ another animal which I am left paying for. Well, this continued to the point where we are out of funds so she applies for credit cards and starts racking up the bills.
I’m not allowed to comment on this because I used the card once for a major car repair (about 2 grand, total credit card debt is about 17k right now) so she blames me for the financial situation we are in.
Now that the cards are maxed out she is borrowing from friends and family to supplement all the money of mine that I make which she already spends on her animals instead of things like groceries and bills.
She kicked me out because I asked her to budget her money so we can stop having our phones cut off and stuff and I had to live in my car for a week. When I came back after a conversation we had about apologizing to each other (she didn’t like how I asked), she yelled at me for not supporting the children (she kicked me out and told me not to come back unless I would pay for her things) and called me a disappointment.
I don’t know anymore.
Edit: it’s over $2k per month for this ‘hobby.'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m assuming you’re the sole income earner for the family. She kicked you out to punish you for standing up to her. She let you come back because she thought she had ‘beaten’ you into submission, which would make you comply with her demands.
I think you need to make a plan so you’re leaving on your terms, not hers.
First, reach out to the family to see if they have a room you can rent. Explain that your wife is an animal hoarder and that divorce is a real possibility.
Second, consult an attorney to see what you need to do to file for separation and what are your obligations as part of the process. Definitely put a freeze on your credit and put your paychecks into a new bank account (that only has your name on it).
If the kids need something like groceries or clothes, buy it yourself and drop it off at the front door.” Flat_Contribution707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a deeply unhealthy situation. In a healthy marriage, you either work together and agree on how the marital income is spent or you have separate funds (partners agree on how shared expenses are covered and then have the freedom to spend the rest of their individual income as they like).
She wants to have 100% control over all of the marital income, and she wants to use you as an emotional punching bag because she overspends your income. The disappointment here should be her complete disregard for her family’s financial health. She has slid into hoarding animals, and she prizes her hoard over the security and stability of her family.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is using you to bankroll her obsession with animal rescue.
Let me be clear, animal rescue is a worthy activity – when kept in perspective. Animal rescue activities that cost so much, there is none left to save for a rainy day, your children’s college funds (if that is a goal), and affect your credit score adversely, the activity has become an unhealthy obsession.
You may love your wife, but it doesn’t mean it is in your or your children’s best interest to stay married. Talk to a lawyer to get advice on how to ensure your wife can’t continue to add more debt you become responsible for. Good luck!” Spa-Monkeys
6. AITJ For Forcing My Mother-In-Law To Keep Babysitting After She Said She Couldn't Handle It?
“Ever since my (27F) husband Mark (30m) and I had our kids, my MIL has been begging to have them over every day.
We live two hours away from her house, but we make sure to visit her on weekends as the kids love spending time at her place and playing with their cousins who live nearby too.
However, whenever they’re at her house she never does anything for them.
She doesn’t make them food, doesn’t look after them, and is generally just happy holding them or playing with them for a bit. Of course, this is okay with us, and we are more than happy to fix them a quick snack or make sure they’re well.
But lately, she’s been calling me and Mark nonstop begging us to drop the kids at her place overnight. She says she misses spending ‘real’ quality time with them and keeps saying I refuse to let her see them more than once a week.
We tried to explain that with us being two hours away and the kids being a handful (they’re energetic and very curious) it may be difficult for her. She still insisted but we ended up saying no. She ended up telling family members that we are denying her access to the children and while I didn’t like it, Mark ended up agreeing to drop off the kids at her place for one day only.
Into the issue. After saying goodbye to the kids, Mark took me to a fancy restaurant halfway across town. He said that since the kids will be at their grandma’s place we can finally have quality time. I agreed and half an hour into our evening we got a call from MIL.
I was afraid at first but she said nothing happened, she just asked when will we be back. I replied that we will pick up the kids at 9 am the next day, and she immediately got upset. She said she couldn’t handle the kids and they kept demanding food, that she plays with them, or straight up saying they want their cousins over.
We tried telling her we are busy and at best will come over in a few hours, but she refused. She said that she, and those are her exact words, ‘had her fill with the children and never expected such trouble’. I told her that was normal behavior for kids their age and she started yelling at me on the phone.
Mark ended up taking the phone and told her we will be over at 9 the next morning. Then he ended the call and we ended up going back to our date.
The next morning we showed up at 9 exactly. Our kids were happy to see us but my MIL refused to speak to either of us.
When Mark tried joking with her she screamed at him that we trapped her with our kids and that we were irresponsible and cruel. I reminded her she was the one who kept insisting we do this and she said she changed her mind and we could’ve taken the kids with us and gone home.
She’s now telling the family that we dropped the kids off at her house and refused to come to pick them up and that I was super rude. I’ve gotten several messages saying I should be a better DIL. AITJ?
Edit: my kids are around 7 and 9.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Yes, she begged to have the kids there. They’re her grandkids.
But she called you and told you that she couldn’t handle YOUR kids and that SHE NEEDED YOU TO COME GET THEM, and you REFUSED. WHAT?!
First of all, who leaves their kids with an older person, under ANY circumstances, who has said that they feel overwhelmed, that they are uncomfortable, and that as of that conversation, the kids are not welcome to continue staying there?
Who uses their children TO PUNISH ANOTHER ADULT? When someone says, ‘I do not want to take care of your children anymore,’ you go get them. Legally, what you did was abandonment at that point, and she could have called the cops. You’re lucky that she’s kind and loves your kids and didn’t, but Jesus… who hears someone literally say, ‘I can’t handle your kids,’ and shrugs and walks away?
Secondly, it seems clear that you’re not being entirely forthright. You couch it in language meant to sound playful and like it’s no big deal, and like she’s the problem. But as a former educator, I recognize the code words you use to describe your kids: ‘energetic’, and ‘like to explore’.
That’s the description of kids who are a handful at best, and at worst are obnoxious, out of control, get into everything (‘like to explore’), and don’t listen to rules or boundaries. You use the VERY familiar language of parents whose kids are a pain in the butt and who refuse to acknowledge it.
So I have trouble believing that your MIL was the problem here. Far more likely, it seems that she legitimately realized that your kids were out of control, and she didn’t feel comfortable babysitting them. NO WONDER SHE WASN’T TALKING TO YOU AFTER YOU LEFT HER ALONE TO DEAL WITH THEM OVERNIGHT.
And I notice as well that you literally only give us the children’s description of how it went… not hers. Gee, I wonder why. YTJ. Don’t force people to take care of your kids after they make it clear that they are uncomfortable and your kids are too much for them.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You did leave your kids and refuse to come to pick them up so what she’s telling the family is the truth. She didn’t need to be pushy and obviously has an idea of how they behaved if she sees them every weekend.
She also clearly manages her other grandkids overnight so there’s a reason she couldn’t handle yours. Look you gave it a shot, she can’t handle it, I highly doubt she will but if she asks again just remind her of this.” Itchy_Ad7026
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, mainly for leaving them overnight. If you had left them a couple of hours, until you had finished your meal or something, then my verdict would be NTJ. The fact is you left your two young children with an elderly woman who very clearly realized your kids were too much for her to handle, and stated unequivocally she was overwhelmed and not adequately prepared to watch your kids overnight.
That’s not cool to do to anyone, let alone an older person.
I agree that your MIL should not have gone around telling everyone you were withholding the children from her, but when someone tells you they can’t handle your kids (or even just changed their mind) you need to listen to them.
No means no.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You knew what was going to happen and you should never have left them in the first place. If you wanted to make the gesture you should have built up to it, leaving then a couple of hours first, not so long on the first time, and not overnight.
Then when she called you should have gone and got them after dinner. It was not a safe situation to leave your kids in. Your MIL obviously has issues – not sure how she raised kids in the first place but I’m guessing you have twins and two at once is a lot.
She shouldn’t have made a big deal about having them or getting rid of them. But you shouldn’t have let it happen.
ETA: Your kids are 7 and 9 but the way you talk about them makes them seem way younger, which is a bit weird. It all sounds quite odd.
It’s probably less unsafe leaving them there at that age (I was thinking they were 3 or 4 from your description) but I still think ultimately you don’t leave kids somewhere they’re not wanted. And I think you need to not worry about snacks so much – you could be setting them up with lifelong health issues.
Let them eat if they’re hungry but don’t make it a constant offering. It sounds to me like you and your MIL have very different approaches to parenting. Kids don’t need to be played with constantly and need to make their own fun. If they’re never bored you’re not doing them any favors.” workingtoohardstill
5. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Cops On My Sister If She Takes My Cat?
“I (25f) have 3 cats. One of which used to be my sister’s (21) until she moved out of the house one day suddenly, effectively abandoning him. That was almost a year ago, and I’ve been taking care of and loving him since then with very little financial help from her, only around $100.
Since he’s been with me he’s a lot happier and extremely loving when he used to be a complete jerk.
The issue is the cat hates brushes and cannot effectively groom himself due to my sister NEVER brushing him when she had him.
He gets matted a lot, and I usually have to shave him down in order to not get my arms used as a scratching post when I try to use a brush on him. She’s now using the fact that he was matted when she visited that he should get a new ‘forever home’ despite being the issue that he is the way he is.
This is after asking me two weeks ago if I’d be willing to take him to which I said of course.
She suddenly texted our group chat out of the blue claiming that she found a new ‘forever home’ for him and when I said no, she kept arguing with me claiming he’s her ‘son’ and that I basically don’t have a choice in the matter.
I let her know I’ve been taking care of this cat financially, emotionally, and physically by myself for almost a year and that isn’t happening. She didn’t respond to the text, so now I’m worried that she’s going to come to the house and just take him one day while I’m at work.
I told our brother that I’d be calling the cops if that happened and he’s been mad at me calling me dramatic, and I’m beginning to feel that it was a bit much for me to threaten that.
So would I be the jerk if I did?
Edit: I’m not 100% sure if my cat is microchipped so I’m heading to the vet later to get it checked out. He’s also still registered at the vet under my mom’s name so she’s going to sign him off to me while we’re there.
Looking into security cameras.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Though it was hers she abandoned the cat. She can’t come back years later and re-home him. That’s theft. You have every right to call the cops if she does take him. He’s not a doll or stuffed toy you’re fighting over.
It’s a living, breathing creature who deserves to be taken care of and treated with respect. It’s your cat now. Tell her to butt out.
Hopefully, you have the cat microchipped with vet records so that you can prove you were the one caring for it for the past year.
Also, record the cat with your city. Get it a license. Then it’s legally yours.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Here’s the problem with the question you asked. She has made no attempt to actually take the cat nor has she made any threat to take the cat.
She only talked about him getting a different home. None of what your sister has done is illegal. So calling the cops would result in them doing nothing since no crime has been committed. You might even get in trouble for calling them for no reason.
Now just to clarify, I am not saying that it would be okay for your sister to take the cat. But that is not what you asked about. I had a similar situation happen in that a cat was abandoned and I claimed him. Luckily the former owner never tried to force anything with it.
Now on to the real problem, the cat’s fur. My guess is the cat doesn’t like being brushed because your sister either never did it or only did it when his fur was already matted. Trying to brush out a matted or tangled fur/hair is painful and a cat will perceive that as an attack.
Hence his reaction.
If you want to resolve this problem you need to make brushing a fun thing. First off make sure you have the proper brush. Yes, there are different brushes for different lengths of fur.
Second, help him understand the brush is his friend.
Get him shaved to get rid of all of his mats and tangles. Then get him a treat that he only gets when brushing. Something he’ll really love. If you don’t give him canned food already then this could be a great treat.
If he does get canned food then find him something else like cooked chicken or some other juicy cooked meat.
Start off brushing him the day after he gets shaved. Yeah, he has no fur to brush but that also means he has no tangles that will hurt.
Put the treat down so he can eat it while you brush him. Be calm yourself, talk gently to him while brushing, and combine brushing with petting. One strike of the brush with one hand followed by one petting stroke with the other hand.
This should help him associate brushing with good things.
Plus if you brush him daily that should prevent the tangles so brushing shouldn’t hurt.
Hope things work out for you and the kitty!” Ranos131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m glad you’ve already found a resolution on the matters of making sure all the paperwork is underway and that you’re getting security cameras, but I also feel like you should examine whether or not your brother has access to your house.
Because if he thinks you’re being dramatic for putting out there that you would be keeping an animal that your sister neglected, and then abandoned with you, he’s being a jerk.
Even if your sister did come with a lot of cash in her hand to compensate you for taking care of the cat, the issue here is that when the animal is in her custody she was neglectful.
Even if your brother doesn’t really like dogs or cats, he should have an issue with that and that your sister views your time and money as having no value.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Once she abandoned the cat it became yours and taking it would be theft. She has no rights to a cat she abandoned. How she can even claim it to be her ‘son’ is beyond me.
You don’t abandon by up and leaving a child and you don’t abandon pets in the same way. They are living creatures and deserve love and to be cared for.
At the same time, you know that the cat has issues with being brushed and that their fur gets matted. Matted fur is painful and causes a lot of issues.
You have had a year to train and help the cat adapt and learn to accept brushing. If it has failed you should get the cat groomed regularly before the fur is so matted that people are concerned. If you want the cat so badly, properly care for him or rehome him.
PS: How would she be able to take the cat while you are gone? Do you live with your parents and they would let her in or roommates?
If so, I would make sure that roommates know she’s not allowed to have the cat. If she has a key to your place change the locks.” Katrinia17
4. AITJ For Returning My Daughter's "Emotional Support" Dog?
“My daughter is 17. I’m 47.
My wife is 44. My daughter had been having problems with her anxiety and depression, school had been very hard for her and she asked us if she could get an animal for ’emotional support’. I asked her why we couldn’t just put her in regular therapy again but she said she didn’t really like her last therapist. Basically, she doesn’t want to try it again.
I was pretty against bringing an animal into the home as my daughter can barely keep her room clean and remember to wash her dishes, much less take care of an animal. And I absolutely refused to do anything for the dog because I work long hours and didn’t want to be picking up messes when I got home.
My wife said I was being unfair and that this could be what my daughter needed to get back in good spirits.
So we got her a dog. We let her pick out from a few select breeds since certain breeds tend to need higher requirements for care (such as frequent grooming and other traits) and I was against getting some breeds just because of personal preference.
The dog was great at first and it got along with my daughter and wife greatly. Me not so much, but it could probably sense I didn’t really like it either. But then it started getting out of its leash on walks, tearing up the couch and various other toys we bought it.
My daughter started forgetting to let it out, so I’d come home to find poop and pee all over the brand-new carpet.
I warned her twice that if she didn’t start taking responsibility that the dog would be going back and she gave me excuses saying she was feeling depressed again.
She said she would do better, but didn’t. Ultimately, I got fed up so one day when she went to school I loaded the dog in my truck and told the shelter he wasn’t a good fit for us.
Obviously, when she came home she was upset.
She was saying the dog was her best friend but I told her that she wasn’t taking very good care of him, and he didn’t deserve that. Wife says it was very harsh to just take the dog back while she was gone, but she agrees daughter wasn’t responsible.
My daughter has been saying I brought back her severe depression and we haven’t been talking.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You’re a jerk for getting a dog without ensuring your family had the means to take care of it. You’re also a jerk for the way you took it away while she was away rather than having a conversation about animal neglect and responsibility.
If your daughter is already in a mentally difficult place, going behind her back to take the dog away will be really traumatizing and make her lose trust.
Don’t misunderstand me, the dog should be in a home where it will be loved and cared for, but that was not the way.
Maybe you know a friend who wants a dog where your daughter will still be able to visit.” Emeraldsof
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your daughter had an animal she was responsible for and wasn’t doing the basics. But the way you went about it all was a totally trashy thing to do.
Your daughter is still young and obviously struggling, so although I understand you not wanting to take responsibility for the animal, I think you should have given your daughter the tools to better understand the care the animal needed, mainly in the form of signing them up for training, it would have been good for both the dog and your daughter in so many ways.
I just feel that no one in your family really sat down and thought about this seriously before making the decision to get the dog and then subsequently taking the dog back.
Your daughter will not forget what you did and I think it will take a lot for her to forgive it too.
Dogs are a big responsibility and you seemed to have gotten it on the understanding that essentially it was disposable if you didn’t like it, rather than thinking of the ways the whole family could have and should have been responsible.” LemonRoll_Rabbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for returning the dog to the shelter. It was not having a good life with your family being unable to take regular exercise or go outside, and that is why it was going wild and going to the bathroom inside. It’s best it is with a family that has the capacity to look after its needs.
And I see your daughter agrees she wasn’t caring for it properly, so she needs to understand she can’t have an ill/unhappy dog around because it helps her mood at times. It is a living creature and has needs, the same way she does.
Maybe if she really needs/wants contact with animals you all should work out something like shelter volunteering or visiting petting zoos where she can see them when she’s up to it. Or get a more independent pet that you and your wife are willing to help with.
Slight YTJ for not discussing this with your daughter in terms of timelines. Whatever she is going through, she should not have found out by coming home to no dog, there should have been a chance to say goodbye.
I considered ‘everyone sucks here’ but ultimately NTJ as this was best for the doggo.” SienteElBern
3. WIBTJ If I Make My Wife Pay For Canceled Plane Tickets?
“My wife and I (early 30s) have a joint bank account that we use to pay all the standard household expenses. For hobbies and other things that do not benefit the entire household, we have separate personal accounts.
My wife’s family planned a reunion for the beginning of November. They’re kind of flaky when it comes to canceling plans at the last minute. Because of this, when my wife was booking plane tickets, I suggested that she pay a bit extra to ensure the ticket was refundable, just in case plans changed. She said, quote, ‘that won’t be a problem.
I talked to my family and they are 100% sure they are going’, then booked a non-refundable ticket.
Well, turns out that the trip got canceled anyway because 3 of the 6 people coming got sick!
WIBTJ if I insisted that the cost of the plane ticket come out of my wife’s personal account?
The way I see it because my wife unilaterally decided to book a non-refundable flight (against my suggestion), she should also have to unilaterally deal with the financial consequences.
My wife is arguing that the plane ticket should come out of our joint account because, had the trip not been canceled, the joint account would have paid for it.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, and your wife just went ahead and booked the ticket on her own anyway after you pointed the problem out, but perhaps it might be best to let it go this time as you had no agreement in place for incidents like this.
How about you let this one go and use this as a chance to make an agreement with your wife about her either paying for refundable tickets or paying for the loss herself next time? There would be no argument to be had then. I don’t think it would be fair for the family to miss out on whatever that money could have paid for because her relatives are flaky and your wife doesn’t want to acknowledge that and that preventative measures.
If she doesn’t agree to either take preventative measures or responsibility in the future then I think she is being unreasonable.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know this is going against the tide on this post but I’m with you. If she’s spending joint money and you make a simple request to get cancellation insurance (half of which you’re paying for because it’s coming out of the joint account) and she refuses then I agree she should have to reimburse you for the tickets.
You weren’t giving advice to a random stranger than getting upset because they didn’t take it. You were giving advice on a responsible way to handle your joint funds and she brushed you off and the result is costing you both money.
At the very least, for future trips with her family, I would suggest you each buy your own plane tickets from your personal accounts.
That way you’ll get your money back and she won’t. But this time around she should reimburse you.
Everyone is saying you’re punishing her but they aren’t mentioning her using your joint funds in a way that you didn’t want (non-refundable tickets) and expecting you to pay half of a trip that never happened.” Dixondunne
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
No matter who pays for the loss, you’re married, so it’s really both your money regardless of whose account it comes from. Making a big fuss that it comes out of her account specifically is a bit of a jerk move.
But also, she made a financially irresponsible decision to book non-refundable tickets to meet up with flakey planners, against your advice. I’d never book non-refundable, even for my own plans, because you never know what will happen. So she’s also a jerk for ignoring your sound advice and losing you money.
Paying for refundable is like paying for rental car insurance – you don’t need it 99% of the time, but the 1% you end up needing it, not having it will cost you more than buying it every time.” UncleGrimm
2. AITJ For Deciding To No Longer Spend The Holidays With My Family?
“I’ve been with my fiancee ‘Rosie’ for 4 years and we have always rotated holidays between our two families.
In her family cooking is a big deal with all of the women in the kitchen (I know and have offered help, don’t come for me) and they all take part and socialize while doing it.
In my family, my mom does most of the cooking.
My sisters might wander in and out and help, and her husband might chop some vegetables, but it is really mainly her. Her MIL stays in the kitchen with her but apparently doesn’t know how to cook, or sometimes she has a friend there. We’ve offered my mom help and she has politely turned it down.
Rosie has been trying to get more involved for the past couple of holidays and my mom has snubbed her. Rosie confided in me that she is getting frustrated and feels that she is going to be a member of the family and has the right to be included. I talked to my mom and she suggested Rosie bring a dish and they can reheat and serve it.
At this point, Rosie felt like she was being totally snubbed. I talked to my mom again and she confided in me that she finds Rosie annoying and doesn’t want to be forced to spend that much time with her, and it would ‘ruin’ her holidays.
She said I ‘can’t’ get mad at her as she has never tried to break us up or even said anything, but I also shouldn’t be forcing Rosie on her.
I was furious. I always felt like my mom wasn’t crazy about her and borderline cold sometimes, but I couldn’t believe she would just admit it like that, and that she is snubbing Rosie during family holidays because of her personal feelings.
I told my mom I was disappointed in her for being selfish and immature. I talked to Rosie and we decided we can no longer spend holidays with my family. My mom called me pathetic and said I obviously want a fake relationship if she can’t even tell me how she feels.
Everyone else in the family texted me pretty much telling me that I am a huge jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You pushed for an answer and you got upset at the truth. Being a member of the family doesn’t mean that it’s ok to force yourself on others.
It’s not just about feelings, it’s about personal boundaries.
Rosie can contribute, but she can’t decide that she has to be in your mom’s personal space against her will on a yearly basis and ruin a holiday for her. She at least compromised by telling Rosie to bring a dish.
You should have accepted that instead of going nuclear. Not everyone likes everyone, and that’s ok, but forcing people on people never is.
Your mom clearly respects the relationship, but you don’t respect her space. Your mom has a certain way she likes to cook around the holidays and likes her personal space being respected, respect that, it’s her home and it’s her space, you can’t make rules about who gets to be in her personal orbit around the holidays.
Edit to add: It’s pretty obvious why mom doesn’t like Rosie. Mom prefers cooking alone and too many people ‘helping’ means too many people to babysit and distract her from cooking. If you can respect how Rosie’s family does things, then you can at least respect how your own family does things.
I absolutely hate people ‘helping’ while I cook because, if I have to tell someone where something is, or they’re constantly in my direct way, then they’re being a detriment and a distraction. The most I’ll accept is grabbing me eggs or opening containers for me, but not the actual cooking.” Thyumos
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say no other member of the family helps your mother in cooking, so how is Rosie being snubbed?
She’s wrong to try to force her way into the situation on the pretext of being ‘family.’ Family members respect each other.
Your mother’s made it clear she doesn’t want outside help. Your fiance shouldn’t force the situation. Now, if other members were helping and your mother told her no, that would be snubbing. But she isn’t. So she’s not.
You’re lucky your mother had the confidence in you to tell you her feelings for Rosie, though I’m sure you didn’t like hearing it.
Your mother wasn’t being selfish or immature. She just doesn’t like Rosie. People have the right to not like someone, even if they’re perfectly nice people otherwise.
I think you’re being a bit petty by not going at all. Though if you do start going again, you should have a ‘pre-meet’ on another day, to clear the air.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you asked for an answer and didn’t like the one you got.
And as for Rosie, she might like trying to cook with people as a way to connect but she needs to realize not everyone is going to reciprocate the same feelings.
Not everyone will like her, honestly, as a grown woman she should understand this by now. And her continuously pushing your mother didn’t help at all. You and she crossed so many boundaries.
Honestly, your mom probably doesn’t realize yet what a relief it will be to not have people around who ignore and disrespect her and her boundaries.
And having someone forced on her. You both need to grow up and stop the victim mentality.” Brief-Finger7474
1. AITJ For Renting Out The Guest Room?
“I used to work a really stressful job with hard hours and terrible coworkers.
I was also supplementing my income by renting out the third bedroom in my house. The other spare was a guest room/storage. She paid/pays me 700 every month and we used to split the utilities in half.
Things got really bad at work, and I wanted to leave.
I decided to clean out the guest room and rent it out. I told my roommate, and she was unhappy because she didn’t want to share a bathroom. I pointed out that her share of the utilities would go down, but she didn’t really care about that.
Anyway, I rented out the room. Not long after I quit my job.
Anyway, my mortgage is 1500 a month, so right now I’m paying about $100 a month plus the rent from both girls and living off of my savings while I look for a job.
My roommate noticed I’m not going to work anymore. I told her I left that job and am looking for a new one. She said, ‘so now you’re a professional homeowner, basically?’ I disagreed with that assessment. She said I’m leeching off of her and the other girl because I don’t want to work.
I do want to work. It’s just that I need to find a new job, and since people need cheap places to stay, renting out these rooms allows me to keep paying my mortgage while I look. My roommate says I’m taking advantage of her, but she chose to move in here.
I don’t consider myself to be a leech, but she thinks I’m a selfish jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I don’t think you are a jerk, it is your property and you are free to do whatever you wish. You were in a tight spot and needed some extra cash to pay the rent.
However, I can see why she’s upset, if I moved in somewhere under the impression that two people were going to share the space and suddenly the two people turned into three, I would be mighty unhappy. Adapting to one person can be hard, adapting to two can be miserable.
Also, I’m not sure if you have a lease with your tenant but there might be stipulations regarding this in the lease. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to move due to this change, this frankly doesn’t benefit her in any way.” Purplefox71
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ. She agreed to move into the house at a set rate based on having one roommate and access to a spare room. Now she has to share the living space with a whole other person for the same cost. Plus you’re suddenly home all day, adding to wear and tear, mess, lack of privacy, etc. You’re absolutely stiffing her based on what she agreed to pay for a year ago.
Would you pay the same amount to live with 2 roommates instead of one? I sure wouldn’t. Would you be totally peachy keen if she moved a romantic partner in and suddenly they were in your bathroom, cooking in your kitchen, parking behind your car, or whatever minor inconveniences having extra roommates brings?
If you want to rent both rooms you need an agreement with roommates who both agree upfront with that and price it accordingly. (Which might well still be $700 each, rent is crazy expensive.)” WafflefriesAndaBaby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the change in her living arrangements was such a huge deal she can move out and get a different place – it’s your home and you can do whatever you want with it.
It’s not leeching off people to charge them for living in your home, it would only be leeching off them if you were also eating their food and using things that they buy when you aren’t personally contributing to those things or something, which I’m assuming isn’t the case.” Lexy_d_acnh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are not a leech, and you are entitled to rent out both rooms so you can pay your mortgage while you look for a new job.
However, your roommate was paying $700/mo to rent a room and private bathroom in a house with one other person, and now she is paying $700/mo to share a bathroom and have two roommates.
Unless you told her when she moved in that you would be renting out the other room and the bathroom would be shared, you have changed the terms of her rental agreement without her consent. Not cool.” biancanevenc
