People Expect Some Insights From Us Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Wearing A Grass Halloween Costume?
“A few weeks ago, I (31M) was invited to my friend (33M), Will’s, early Halloween party. I had eagerly accepted the invite and was excited to celebrate, because as a childless/single thirty-one-year-old man with no children/younger siblings, Halloween had managed to be one of those holidays that slipped through the cracks.
A few days after the invite, though, Will informed me that the party was a ‘costume party’. I hadn’t been too surprised, though, because Will has/had a young son who is incredibly passionate about Halloween yet doesn’t feel that comfortable trick-or-treating.
And—because it really wouldn’t be that difficult—I agreed to dress up.
Now, here’s where I think I may have gone wrong. While I do/did love Halloween, I don’t/didn’t really have any costumes, which meant that my options were either to make something or to buy something to wear.
And—because I’m a ‘cheapskate’—I decided to just make my own costume. Unfortunately, though, the only things I had that felt slightly ‘costume-y’ were a green shirt, green pants, a top hat, sunglasses, a white scarf, and one of those bead necklaces you get at parades.
Being limited, I decided to reach into the deepest and darkest corners of my mind for a costume, and, eventually, I came up with a ‘Blade Of Grass’ costume. I was wearing green pants, a green shirt, shaded sunglasses, and a top hat, which I had covered with green construction paper.
Then, for good measure, I went outside my house and massaged a little soil into the clothes.
Then—yesterday—the party rolled around, and I came in my grass costume. I was a little embarrassed, as the first three people I saw were wearing realistic demon costumes and stuff, and—there I was—as a dirt-wearing piece of grass.
It was all okay, though, until Will’s son came out, and started to cry.
Now, when I said that Will’s son was young, I meant that he was too young for kindergarten. So, when he saw me and started to cry, I felt kind of at fault.
Then, when Will saw me (and tried to comfort his son), he asked what I was, and so I told him. Then, Will told me that I knew how much his son loved Halloween (which I did), and—when his son started to scream at the top of his lungs that I had ‘ruined’ the party and had gone as the ‘wrong’ thing—he asked me why I thought that would be appropriate, as I had witnessed his son freak out over the smallest of things plenty of times before.
So, was AITJ for going as a blade of grass to a party?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You wore a lame costume. That’s not a problem. Just a bit lame. Oh well. If Will’s son is really that young, I’d say your lame costume was more appropriate than the realistic demon costumes.
Will’s parenting skills suck as bad as his friendship skills. If his son freaks out over little things, Will needs to teach him how to react appropriately, not lash out at the little things.” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Will can’t let his son dictate a Halloween party just because he loves the holiday so much.
He should’ve taken his son out of the room, explained to him that people can dress up as whatever they want on Halloween, and then tell him he can either apologize to you or stay in his room for the rest of the night and miss the party.
Halloween costumes are expensive and if you haven’t actually needed a costume in years, you’d be wasting money to buy one for the party. Your DIY costume was creative and Will had no right to give you grief for his son being upset.” ManicPanicPeach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please stop being friends with this man. It’s a costume party, not the Met Gala. Halloween house parties are meant for weird costumes & homemade things. If he wanted something different he should have specified that with the invitation.
It’s not as if you came in something inappropriate for children. You are not responsible for his child’s happiness. Pay for a clown & have a kiddie party if you want that. You’re just his friend & he’s being horrible to you for no reason.
Next Halloween finds some fun events to go to, wear your homemade costume & meet some fun new people instead. Will needs to CHILL.” User
17. AITJ For Reporting My Significant Other To Their Manager?
“We have an IT policy at work that states ‘company IT equipment should never be used for streaming media and/or social media.’
My significant other is aware of this policy as I have expressed it to them on multiple occasions and even detailed times when workers were reprimanded/dismissed for failing to comply.
Some context: I am a senior member of the IT department and the author/creator of our ‘Fair Use Policy’. My SO lost their job and I worked some magic to get them a position in our Call Center.
We allow the use of personal devices (phones and tablets) for this purpose, as long as they use their own data.
Now I have recently discovered that my SO is breaking this policy and watching movies, and TV shows and using social media on company equipment and during their working hours.
I have had the ‘quiet word’ and explained how it is wrong for them to do this, yet they continue to flout the fair use policy that they signed an agreement to observe.
I’m at an impasse. They don’t earn much here, but what they do is the difference between having good meals daily or ramen through the week and a good meal at the weekend.
I know they are breaking policy, they know they are breaking policy.
Do I continue to have these ‘quiet words’ and hope it improves, or do I report the offense to my superiors and their supervisors/manager?
I do not and will not show favoritism at work.
Will I be, or am I, the jerk for reporting this behavior that may result in them losing their job?
Edit: A little more information: At present, my right to remain in the US is dependent upon starting this job as I am on a work-based visa. I met my SO after I arrived in the county. We have no children and are both 40+.
Other employees have been warned/dismissed over this. My direct superior has asked me to try to correct it before it reaches disciplinary measures. It’s not the first time they have been asked to refrain from this usage. My job is not at risk unless I do not follow my own responsibility of putting a stop to this usage.
These restrictions are in place for the Call Center and not the Corporate office as there is a high turnover in the Call Center, and their focus should be the incoming calls. Personal device usage is allowed for this usage to keep company equipment free from potential bugs or outside attacks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘I do not and will not show favoritism at work.’
You wouldn’t be hesitating if another employee were ignoring your warnings, would you? Would you even have waited this long already to follow the procedure?
Right now, it sounds like he’s counting on you caring more about him continuing to bring home that paycheck than whether he can be trusted to keep a job without you watching over him, and that’s not cool. You can give him one more firm warning if you want, but otherwise, do what you have to do before someone else catches him and you’re both in trouble for not stopping this sooner.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But for now, you’ve done enough ‘magic’ to save their a*s, from being unprofessional.
I am a*suming if you don’t report them, or the authorities figure out that you had the knowledge and did not report them – you both might get fired together.
Your integrity WILL be questioned while you are getting fired. There’s a very slight difference between Integrity, Honesty, and Probity – but guard all of them. It’s not good for your household to lose both the earning members together, worse your future employability would also get affected.
Let your SO work elsewhere.
Now the issue is, about not mixing work with personal life. Your loyalty to the relationship and your loyalty to the work aren’t at crossroads. Your SO is a grown-a*s adult, capable of making choices for themselves.
Since you saved them by doing ‘magic’, they are so a*sured of being safe that they are taking it for granted.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you have a decent job that you’re putting at risk if it’s found out that he’s misusing work tech and that YOU were aware of it.
They’ll fire you both. It’s a weird situation. I guess in a way it’s your job or your partner. Best case scenario, you do report, they lose their job, and that’s the wake-up call they needed to understand your warnings buuuut… Because they don’t see an issue with what they’re doing, your relationship will probably end if you report them.
Do what you want, but I think you’d be better off not playing favorites. Maybe I suck but being able to still support yourself after potentially losing a partner is better than you both being out of a job because you got found out.” sam-the-tsundere
16. AITJ For Telling My Sister What Our Stepsister Thinks About Her Relationship?
“I have two stepsisters and a bio sister. My bio-sister, Elia, is getting married soon.
Our oldest stepsister, Hannah, hadn’t met Elia’s fiancé until this recent incident as she lives in Dubai and we live in London.
Elia’s future in-laws hosted an engagement party for them which Hannah came here for. Elia introduced her fiancé to Hannah but then had to leave as her fiancé wanted to introduce her to the other guests.
After she left, Hannah kept asking us if that was really Elia’s fiancé. My other stepsister kept saying ‘I know.’ Hannah kept cracking jokes about how Elia managed to trick him into going out with her and how they didn’t match as a couple.
At one point she said she would’ve thought he would want somebody more at his and his family’s level.
At first, I wasn’t going to say anything to Elia since I know it would just upset her and Hannah claimed to be joking but we’re all going to be bridesmaids and I know it’s going to come with some nice gifts, and at least one free trip which I don’t think Hannah deserves after what she said.
I told Elia and she was really upset that she started crying. Her fiancé saw and now he doesn’t want either of my stepsisters at the wedding and has uninvited them from all pre-wedding activities.
This has caused a lot of drama in my family and my stepsisters and stepdad are really angry at me.
My mum told me that sometimes it’s best not to say anything, especially since I’ve made Elia feel so insecure that she’s trying to convince her fiancé that they should just have a small courthouse wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your stepsisters sound like they are right out of Cinderella. Not only do I think they both sound salty your sister snagged a prince, but they also sound exactly like the type who believes he should be with someone more like them.
Oh, they are mad they won’t get the gifts and proximity to wealth that inclusion in the wedding activities would have offered? Maybe they should have been nicer to the person who was making it possible for them.
You should talk to Elia and convince her that she should have the wedding she wanted and not let jealous haters bring her down.
Remind her Cinderella still went to the ball even after her stepsisters ripped her first dress to shreds. Your stepdad should have raised them better. Tell your mom that if hearing this shattered Elia so deeply, it could only be because this isn’t the first time your stepsisters tore into her and why didn’t she, as your and Elia’s mother, do more to defend her?
Is it because she was afraid of her stepdad or did she agree with them?” Historical_Agent9426
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘Since I made Elia feel so insecure—’
Excuse me, I don’t recall you saying those things behind your sister’s back.
What made Elia insecure is having two jealous stepsisters that were speaking badly about her and saying things that Elia has probably been quietly thinking about herself. It’s normal for someone from a lower social class to often feel like they’re unworthy or somehow tricking people around them to like them somehow because class differences often come with those insecurities.
Your sister may not have voiced it to anyone and maybe even had those thoughts under control, but your stepsister’s words could have easily made her second guess those thoughts or could have created those thoughts if she didn’t already have them.
But her reaction would make me think she has struggled with these thoughts previously.
Your stepsisters would continue to say this stuff at events. They would do what everyone in these situations eventually does—slip up themselves and expose themselves.
That would be devastating to have to happen on the wedding day or close to it. You’re saving your sister a slew of heartache and insecurity on her big days. She has time now to recover and put this behind her before her wedding day comes—an opportunity she probably wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed quiet until your stepsisters exposed themselves.
‘My stepsisters are really angry at me.’
Of course, they are, because they were exposed and have to suffer the consequences of their own actions—which people like that can’t do. They have to blame someone else instead of owning up to their actions.
When you say something—especially out loud and not in a private setting—you’re allowing the risk of it being shared and exposed. They shouldn’t have said anything if they didn’t want it known. They were having a great time tearing her down behind her back, but now that it’s in the open they want to cry about it.
You’re right that your stepsisters do not deserve to be gifted and brought on such beautiful trips when they rip your sister down like they did. I think you made the right choice and the right choice isn’t always the easiest one to make.
ETA; I think it would help your sister greatly if you and her fiancé come together to make a nice gesture for her to lift her spirits. Maybe put together a surprise and tell her all the ways she’s a great sister and he can tell her all the ways she’s a great partner and just make time to make things about how good of a person she is.
This is likely stewed up a slew of insecurities and worries in her mind and it could help a lot to have people around her reassure her and bring some positive thoughts into her mind.” JinxForASoda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ
As the youngest of four, the rule of thumb is – if you’re gonna talk trash, it better be something you’d say to their face or you’re already in the wrong.
Your stepsisters weren’t making playful jokes, they were spewing hate with smiles on – a huge difference.
If they’re all upset now, they should really think about how your sister no doubt feels – if I was her, I wouldn’t even want them at my wedding at all if they were talking like that at the engagement party cause if I heard anything like that on my big day that would be the end of a whole relationship and possibly several others – your stepsisters are living the Cinderella stereotype of being jealous jerks who want to run at the mouth without consequences, and your mom not immediately calling them out is also not ok.
All you did was let what they were saying be known to exactly who they were talking about, if they don’t like that – they should never have said it in the first place.
So NTJ OP, I would expect nothing less from my own sister.” UnlikelyLevel895
15. AITJ For Not Making It To My Daughter's Graduation?
“I (50M) have a daughter (19F) who used to live with her mom (50F) but she now goes to uni in the north. This situation happened back in May, but my daughter recently completely cut contact with me for it, and I need to know if I am wrong.
My daughter and I had a lot of issues with our relationship after the divorce was finalized, and it was always painful because all I’ve ever wanted to was be the best dad I could be to her. Despite our issues, she made a step of good faith and invited both me and my new wife to her graduation brunch and graduation.
My daughter has always been such a go-getter and planned the entire brunch herself. Her mother and I were supposed to split the cost, but I could not afford it so her mother paid for the brunch in full.
When my wife and I arrived at brunch, it was better than we could have imagined. She had the place decorated to the T.
When I got there she gave me a huge bear hug and asked if we could talk. She let me know that it slipped her mind to grab everyone’s tickets for the graduation because she needed to set up brunch and said someone would contact me and would get them to me so that we could get in.
After we all enjoy the brunch, my wife and I go home to wait for the graduation. As we are waiting, no one reaches out to us. My ex-wife and I are on bad terms, so I have her number blocked. Around 20 minutes before the graduation is to begin, my other daughter (21F) calls and asks if I am there to get the tickets from her.
I am taken aback. I expected to be contacted long before the actual graduation began. I was hurt, to say the least, it felt like people didn’t want me there.
The graduation goes on and I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it out of anger.
I was so hurt that people would treat me this way. I congratulate my daughter the next day, and she asks why I didn’t go. I tell her my side of the story, and she says it isn’t enough of a reason to miss her big day.
She has gone completely no contact since then, only reaching out to have a horrible conversation with me which ends in me saying she thinks I am a horrible father and her agreeing.
I really need guidance to try and get my relationship with my daughter back.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! You literally just had to show up. Your daughter said they would get you in. You only had to show up. Worst case scenario, you show up and you don’t get a call, that would be the only thing that would warrant your response.
Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes for once instead of playing the victim who deserves a pity party here. She had a strained relationship with you. She knew that regardless of what was happening at the moment, she wanted you present on what was now the most important day of her life, and all you had to do was show up.
She literally took care of everything else for you on her day, extended an olive branch to you, and a path forward to mend the relationship.
Even afterward, you admitted to some pretty toxic, petty nonsense in your phone argument that you said you were a horrible father.
This is kind of a last resort statement from someone seeking pity to get corrected and feel better about themselves. She agreed and you seem upset about that. She is seeing through this nonsense victim mentality and not taking responsibility for anything.
YTJ” MarginalGreatness
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re being petty here. It doesn’t sound like this was malicious by either of your daughters – it just wasn’t that well planned in terms of getting you the tickets. They did have the tickets waiting for you at graduation and probably expected you to show up – since you clearly knew when and where the graduation was.
You were contacted with enough time to get in – if you were actually there rather than just sitting in your hotel.
It’s also on you for doing nothing and just waiting in your hotel room for someone to contact you.
You could have reached out to your other daughter and asked about the tickets.” Born_Rabbit_7577
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why would you expect your daughter, who had a million things on her mind and was being pulled in a thousand different directions to coordinate everything, to carry the full burden of spoonfeeding you the tickets?
She admitted to her oversight, arranged for someone to meet you with the tickets, and arranged for them to contact you. Instead of taking the step of unblocking your ex for a few hours, reaching out yourself to either of your children to see if there were any updates, or even going to the venue so you’d be on-site for whoever would be meeting you with tickets, you just sat home with your thumb up your butt and sulked. You didn’t put in even a single shred of effort yourself in the entire situation which showed your daughter very clearly how little you care about her.
It isn’t missing the graduation that caused her to cut you off; it’s that you didn’t put in even minimal effort for something so important to her.
As for getting a relationship with her back, I don’t know that it’s even possible.
It’s definitely not something you can fix quickly or easily. Your best chance is to put in tons of effort to show her you care and that you understand where you messed up. Write her a letter apologizing, take ownership of your failures without making excuses, and don’t use blanket statements about being a ‘horrible father’ or a bad person because those are manipulative – just acknowledge the actions (or inactions) that led to where you are, put in that you would love one more chance to be the father she deserves even though you don’t deserve it, reassure her that you won’t hassle her or even reach out again if there’s no response to the letter because you will respect her boundaries and that there’s no time limit – if she wants to reach out in 30 years, you’ll be there; if she never does, you’ll respect that.
Then stick to it.” ProfPlumDidIt
14. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Obese?
“I’m 17F and my sister is 23F. I have a really bad eating disorder and recently I told my family about it. A doctor and my family have decided that hospitalization is necessary as I’m really underweight and so my sister and her SO came to visit me before I go there in a few days.
Things are a bit tense in my family right now, and I think my sister was really shocked that I have an eating disorder as she hasn’t seen me in the last 4 years since she moved away, and I’ve lost a lot of weight since then.
I also haven’t talked to her in the last 3 years so it’s awkward. She told me I’m like a sickly soda addict (sounds weird, it’s her humor) and told me that she doesn’t know how I wasn’t already in the hospital and then asked if I think I’m fat and I said yeah I guess.
And just to be clear here, I don’t really care about my sister. We haven’t spoken in so long that it’s hard for me to care about her and hold anything against her and I also don’t think negatively about her body.
It’s true that she is quite overweight but it’s not like I think any different about her because of it.
She said that if I think I’m fat, then I must think she’s obese and on her deathbed. I told her that she definitely is.
I really regret saying this and I will admit it just slipped out. It was a shock to see my sister’s weight gain but like I said I really don’t care about it. I don’t even know why I said it, I was just really frustrated because she wouldn’t stop commenting on my weight.
I know that isn’t an excuse but it’s the reason, and I know it’s likely that she would comment on my weight as, like I said, I’m really underweight but it was getting to me.
She didn’t say anything after that but later, her SO pulled me to the side and told me that my sister is actually working on accepting her weight as she is very body positive and happy to be plus size, and she can’t lose weight right now because of a medical condition.
He also told me that I was stigmatizing being a larger weight and that I made her really upset.
I felt like a big jerk after I said that, but I felt like a bigger jerk after I found out I made her upset over it.
AITJ? I know I didn’t mean it but I really don’t want this to be what my sister remembers me by before I go into the hospital.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Weight in regards to how someone looks is one of those things no one needs to comment on even in a light-hearted spirit.
Your sister as someone who is on a body acceptance journey should know that, and you as someone who knows how deeply those comments impact should also know this.
Could you have kept your mouth shut? Sure, but I completely understand being fed up and lashing out, especially as a teenage kid in a hospital away from your family and untangling some very complicated feelings around your body.
Don’t be afraid OP to assert the boundaries you need for your eating disorder recovery. I’ve struggled with some eating disorder stuff in the past and the best piece of advice I got from my therapist was to ask those in your life to practice body neutrality.
Don’t comment on if someone has gained or lost weight, try and focus on asking people how they’re feeling. This might be a good piece of advice to pass on to your sister.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
My love, I think it’s fair to say you have an unhealthy relationship with weight.
I think her partner was a little out of line pulling you aside to talk about weight stigmatization when you’ve literally starved yourself to the point of requiring hospitalization – like obviously your life-threatening lack of body positivity is not something anyone should be taken personally at this point.
It’s a little heartbreaking that you feel so much guilt for calling your sister obese but little to none for punishing your body, the thing that works 24/7 to keep you alive, for not taking up less space.
Maybe some combination of anorexia bulimia and body dysmorphia.
I really hope you get the help you need and are able to bond with your sister who you clearly do love and who clearly does love you back enough to not even mind the comment you feel so guilty about.” L4L-MAA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she baited you with her own insecurity while you’re obviously vulnerable. I hope she’s able to realize she should have known better. It’s really nice that her partner explained how she feels, but it’s not on you to make her feel better about herself after she threw herself under the bus.
I hope you can focus on yourself and let her worry about her. Her partner said she’s been doing good with body positivity. I think s she’ll be fine. She self-sabotaged and it’s really common with insecurities.
But she had no business seeking validation from you when she knows the state you were in. Please don’t beat yourself up for your response.” User
13. AITJ For Only Taking My Nieces In?
“My (F,33) sister (F,36) passed away a month ago because of cancer. It’s devastating and words can’t express how we feel.
Her husband struggled to pay off debts and has asked me and my husband to take his and my niece’s ages, 13 & 16 in for some time. I have to say that I’m not on good terms with him. We’ve had more than our fair share of disagreements in the past. He tried to sue me and my husband for my own mother’s house which I’m living in with my husband and daughter.
but he claimed he needed money to pay for my sister’s treatment and, this was the only way to get it after we (my brother and I) refused to help. It’s a long story but we’re not on good terms.
I agreed to only take my nieces in but not him. He tried to negotiate this saying his daughters are grieving and needed him, their remaining parent to be around. I said he could see them during visits and that was it.
My husband agreed with me at first. my brother in law showed up with my niece days ago and I only let the girls in but turned him away after he tried to talk me into letting him stay. We had a huge argument and the girls went inside crying after their dad left repeatedly saying they want him.
My husband is backing out of this saying we might be making a mistake separating the girls from their dad when they’re grieving. My aunt berated me saying I messed up entirely here. I argued that it’s my home and I don’t feel comfortable with him staying after what he’s done.
She called me selfish and bitter and said I’m making it more difficult for the girls who just lost their mom. Now the girls are quiet but my 16-year-old niece keeps arguing about wanting her dad with them. My husband still thinks we’re making a mistake and getting the girls to resent me for what I did to their dad who’s grieving.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your aunt has enough backbone to call and complain she can pick up an extra job and support him. Yes, the girls are grieving but so is OP. OP is under no obligation to help in this situation but recognizing the girls weren’t involved in the situation she has agreed to take them in so they aren’t homeless.
It’s their FATHER’s responsibility to provide for them and prevent these situations from happening.
Both parents should have agreements in place so that these situations don’t occur, whether it’s insurance or alternative living arrangements. The dad can still see his daughters, this just provides them a safe place to rest their heads at night as opposed to a shelter until dad figures something out.” Dramatic-Outcome3460
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Only because we don’t know what his motives are. By that I mean is he now sincere and just wants to stay with his own kids which of course could very well be possible.
However, given the fact that he tried to sue you for the very house in which you currently live, would make me believe part of what you’re possibly worrying about is that once he moves in, he’s going to make it impossible to ever evict him and he once again tries to force you from your own home since he’s done that very thing before.” dart1126
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He tried to steal your house from you. He tried to sue you and make you homeless… You’ve already had altercations with him. There’s no guarantee that he won’t try something again. Who’s to say that he won’t start random arguments with you and blame it on grieving?
Are you supposed to let him speak to you any way that he wants because he’s the only one grieving? You lost a sister too.
Anyone who calls or contacts you to say that you are in the wrong can take him and his children in.
you are providing a safe place for his children and are not restricting Him in any way. You are restricting his access to you and the peace of your home.” Fun_Positive_3722
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your BIL is a jerk for coming to you after he sued you and hoping that you would just let him move into the home he tried to take from you (I am suspicious about why he felt entitled you the house, but that is besides the point).
You are well within your rights to say you don’t want your BIL in your house. But the way you talk about your nieces bothers me. You spent most of the story complaining about your BIL and really only mention them when they’re upset that they can’t stay with their dad, the only remaining parent they have, and are talking about visitation like acrimonious ex-spouses.
You, your nieces, and your brother-in-law all need grief counseling. You need to seriously consider what is best for the actual children involved, whether that’s living with you or not, instead of your blinding hatred of your BIL.” Natural_Garbage7674
12. AITJ For Treating All My Kids Fairly?
“Me (44M) and my wife Ami (43) have a biological son Ethan (16) and an adopted son Aiden and daughter Gracie (16, 12) We adopted Aiden and Gracie 10 years ago.
We have been talking about colleges for a while with the boys and they both want to stay together wherever they go.
We have college funds for all three children with the same amount so they will be able to afford to go if they decide to.
My mother passed away and left me a lot of money and I used it to fund their accounts as I thought this was more important than paying off our mortgage that we are comfortable paying each month.
The more the boys talk about college the more Ami gets upset with how much money it’s going to cost.
This all ended up in a huge argument between us with her calling me a jerk. She apparently is happy to fund Ethan’s college but only part for Aiden and Gracie.
I told her this isn’t fair as they are all our kids, not just Ethan. He doesn’t mean more just because he has our DNA.
I told her it was my inheritance and I can do what I want with it and I wanted to make sure the kids had a good start to life.
She said that she deserves stuff too and me spending all the money on the kids means she doesn’t get what she wants.
She left a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything from her. I thought kids didn’t hear the fight but today Aiden came down and said sorry for causing a fight between us and that he is grateful that I stood up for him and Gracie.
My heart went out to him and I said that I will always stand up for him and that I loved him and Gracie. He said I know but I’m not sure about mom.
So am I the jerk?
Should I compromise a bit to keep Ami happy?
UPDATE: The adoption was her idea as it was her cousin and his wife that were losing custody of the kids. Sadly they are no longer with us and haven’t contributed to their upbringing at all
I work full-time and pay all the mortgage and bills. She works part-time just for something to do. She keeps her money. This was agreed upon and is not an issue.
The house is in my name as I inherited it from my Grandfather.
I took out a mortgage to remodel when we adopted the kids.
All three kids are in therapy. Ethan doesn’t necessarily need it but he felt he was missing out on something so he goes too. They have a group and separate therapy which was recommended to us.
Ami left a few days ago. She is safe with her sister but has not contacted us in any way. I hoped she would at least contact the kids but no.
I don’t think I can be with her anymore as I can’t see how she can repair the relationship with the kids.
I think her coming back now will be detrimental to their well-being and it’s something I can’t risk.
In no way will I abandon Ami though. I love her with all my heart and if there is something going on that I don’t know about then she needs help and her family abandoning her is going to cause more harm than good.
I am willing to support her but not be a couple at the moment.
If it’s just that she is greedy and selfish then she can forget about having any kind of relationship with me. I guess I will find out in the next few months.
Also, I don’t think of Ethan as my biological son and Aiden and Gracie as my adopted children. They are all my kids. Biological and adopted aren’t words I use day to day when describing my children.
UPDATE: Ami asked me to meet her without the kids so I did.
She said she was sorry about trying to get the money spent on her. I explained that we could do all the stuff she wanted to do within reason just not out of their funds. She admitted she was wrong and that I’m not a jerk.
However, she doesn’t want any help from me (she is aware that she has issues but wouldn’t tell me what) I said that I would do anything she needs but she wasn’t interested.
She did say that she hates that Ethan is so close to Aiden and it was ruining her child.
Obviously, I will never tell either of the boys that and it did prove to me that Aiden and Gracie may be her problem.
She is moving to Canada to live with her mom. I don’t care what she gets up to there.
She didn’t want to have any more contact with the children. Didn’t even want to say goodbye so I let her go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what is wrong with your wife? Did you adopt surprise affair kids that you moved in behind your wife’s back?
Because I don’t see any other possible reason why she, their adoptive parent, would want to treat them as less than others.
If she had kindly brought up her desire to treat herself with some of the money, without hiding those intentions initially, and throwing a tantrum when you said no, I would have suggested putting some aside to do/buy something for just her, or you both, like a vacation or cosmetic house upgrades.
I would stay on the ‘all of our children deserve equal support’ hill and not the ‘this is my money, so I get to decide’ hill because, in the latter, your wife can make this about you keeping money from her, or even claim financial mistreatment.
She would be wrong, but it still puts you on the defensive, when the real problem here is that your wife thinks it’s OK to treat your children differently based on the means by which they joined your family (which is something the children had no say in).” depleted-user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Should you compromise? GOD NO.
I strongly believe that if you adopt a child if you let them call you mom and dad, if you tell them they are your child now, then you owe them every bit as much as your biological children.
OR, you need to tell them as much from the beginning, so they understand where they sit.
Ami is basically saying that she’d rather spend the money herself than give the children she agreed to take on a good start in life.
You, however, are the man. And that was proven when Aiden came to you today. That’s where you EARNED the title of ‘dad’. Don’t you dare let that kid down?
Edit: Tell Ami that if she wants this, she should come to the house, sit Aiden and Gracie down, and tell them to their faces that they’re less important than Ethan to you.
That you’d rather spend their college funds on luxury stuff and gadgets than give them a good education.” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this behavior didn’t come out of nowhere. You may have unintentionally been oblivious to what’s going on in your household.
It’s time for deep conversations with each of your kids and probably some family therapy so you can find out exactly how your wife has been behaving behind your back.
Either she’s been mistreating your adopted kids behind your back with her blatant favoritism or she’s having a mental breakdown.
Either way, something is very wrong and this behavior is disturbing and disgusting. Start looking for answers yesterday and don’t give her a chance to weasel out of it. Get the facts first then confront her.” Silaquix
11. AITJ For Not Clapping For My Sister?
“My sister (15) and I (19) are taking the same voice class at a community college. A requirement of the class is that you sing 5 times over the course of the semester. My sister is incredibly shy and has sung 5 times but it’s always been on Zoom for the professor.
A couple of things are nobody knows I’m her sister (she’s adopted and we look absolutely nothing alike) and she’s by far the youngest in the class (most of the class is in their mid-20s-early 30s) so everyone kinda babies her a little.
My mom’s friend’s daughter, Anna (25) is also in the class and my mom asked Anna to watch my sister and make sure she’s doing okay. Anna also drives my sister to and from class because I go with my friends.
Anna babies her a lot. She gives her candy and takes her out to eat before class and she makes sure everyone’s really nice to her.
My sister sang on Tuesday and when she was in a practice room, Anna went around and told everyone to clap for her no matter how she does and to only give nice comments because she was terrified. Then my sister sang and she sucked. She was looking down the whole time and had her arms around her chest, they had to restart the song twice for her, she was ahead of the music, and didn’t get half the notes right.
Everyone clapped for her, except for me, then it was time for comments. I don’t think I was rude, I just told her that the song needs a lot more work, she should probably pick a different song, and she needs to calm down before she sings again.
She ended up crying and Anna gave me a death stare.
Anna ended up taking her home early and when she got back to class, she pulled me aside and asked if I really had to make those comments and if it was absolutely necessary, it couldn’t have waited until we were home and she wasn’t on stage in front of the class.
I said that I would’ve said that to everybody and she doesn’t get special treatment just because she’s afraid to talk or sing in front of people.
When I got home my mom yelled at me for being mean to my sister and said that she cried in her room for a half hour because of how her performance went.
I don’t think it was a big deal but everyone else does so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is fifteen years old, and she is singing in public. Admittedly, that’s only four years ago for you but can you not remember how hard it was to just exist at fifteen, never mind being in the spotlight?
The phrase, ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,’ also apply’s to constructive criticism. What you said was cruel. You could have done two stars and a wish, not everything needs to be nasty and she probably knows ALL of the things you said already.
‘You got all the words correct, I liked the little bits of character inflection you put in the notes. Next time maybe take a wee breath and slow down a bit, that would be my only nitpick. But you still managed to pick yourself up and keep going, you should be so proud.
I can’t wait to see you improve next time,’
Being nice costs nothing, ESPECIALLY to someone who just sounds like she’s starting out. OP, you might have thick skin but not everyone does, and being cruel just means other friends will be afraid to show you their efforts because they know you’ll tear them down for even trying.” millhouse_vanhousen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You should have praised her for stepping out of her comfort zone enough to sing in front of people at all, then given constructive criticism (not every flaw at once, pick one thing like her being ahead of the music, but chalk it up to nerves).
You need to learn how to give constructive criticism without tearing someone down, and always look for a positive to lead with. No one wants to only hear everything they’ve done wrong, and they’re much more receptive to help if they aren’t made to feel like a total failure.
Honestly, it sounds like you resent your sister. Why is the fact that she’s your sister a secret to everyone in the class? Are you jealous of the attention Anna is giving her? Whatever your hang-ups are, you need to let them go.
She is a kid participating in a class made up of adults. She is shy and nervous. All things considered, she is doing excellent. Try to be a supportive sister, not her bully.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Speaking/singing in front of an audience takes time to learn and get used to.
I have to do a lot of public speaking and to start with wasn’t great at it, it’s taken time to even get to the point of being able to talk clearly and I’m a grown adult.
The only thing that helps is to practice by doing it more frequently and to take positive experiences from it.
Anna wanted these to be positive comments to support your sister’s confidence in the early instances of her performing, to help her for next time.
You’ve just wrecked that.
In terms of feedback, that’s for your professors to give. They can provide more useful criticism such as rather than saying it was the wrong song, they can say why it’s the wrong song and what she might look for in trying to choose a song to suit her voice.
Nothing you said was either constructive or useful. It was just mean.” Jambomo
10. AITJ For Not Sharing My Mom's Inheritance To My Cousin?
“I (37m) was approached by my uncle (trustee of grandmother’s (95f still alive) estate) a month ago and was told that her irrevocable life insurance trust (ILIT) of $800,000 was to be split equally between him ($400,000) and my mom ($400,000) upon my grandmother’s passing.
My grandmother pays the premium each year out of her estate. Now, sadly my mother passed away of cancer two years ago and per the rules of the ILIT, I have become the sole beneficiary of my mom’s portion of $400,000.
Now, a week after being told of this trust, I received a call from my uncle stating that it was now my grandmother’s wish that I give his son, my cousin (32m) $200,000 of the $400,000 I inherited from my mom.
When asked what money he will be giving to his son, my cousin, out of his portion of the $400,000, he said nothing, he will keep the full $400,000, because he is ‘the son of my grandmother.’ If I were to agree, he would have me sign a contract saying I will give up $200,000.
As legally, he cannot change the rules of the trust or me as a beneficiary.
Fast forward another week, and now I’m getting angry calls from my grandmother (who has dementia) saying that she wants my cousin and me to have equal money, $200,000 each (it has evolved from $100,000 to $2,000 and now $200,000).
She is unable to articulate where the money is coming from and alludes to it coming from ‘me, my money, my will.’ My grandmother seems to have no knowledge of the trust being the source of the money, making it clear that my uncle has been coaching her and hiding the details of how the trust money is to be dispersed. To make matters personally worse, my grandmother recently asked if I wanted to be written out of the family because I’m being ‘greedy.’ I have also received a text from my aunt (uncle’s wife) saying that I’m a bad grandson and have no relationship with my grandmother, etc. All untrue.
I love my grandmother dearly and want this to stop.
Now, another issue is that my uncle is saying that there will be no money in her estate (Will) at the time of her passing due to her high cost of living and thus no money for me or my cousin will be available from her estate.
This is why he wants my mom’s and my inheritance to be split up for his son, who he says will get nothing from my grandmother.
AITJ for not wanting to split my mom’s portion of her inheritance, $400,000 (now my portion due to her passing) with my uncle’s son, my cousin?
UPDATE: Spoke with an attorney. Uncle is clearly in the wrong, it’s an irrevocable trust and was set up this way and not to be changed. The money is solely mine as the beneficiary of my mother who passed. There is no legal standing my uncle has to demand this scheme he concocted. I have no obligation to do anything.
If he wants his son to have money then he can give him money. Not my mom’s nor my responsibility. He said my uncle is being very greedy. He suggested I ask for a copy of the Trust and if it’s not received then he will demand it in a legal letter.
As for the elder mistreatment, he said my uncle is definitely unduly influencing my grandmother against his fiduciary duties. He suggested I speak with my cousin and see if he can calm my uncle down to give him a last shot at coming to his senses.
If the calls increase from my grandmother then I could register an elder mistreatment claim and take further legal action.
UPDATE: I have an attorney waiting to see how he proceeds. He sent me a video the day after my other grandmother passed away saying ‘now I’ve lost two grandmothers.’ In the video, he shows the insurance premium bill and then shows himself crumpling it up in his hand and then tearing it to pieces.
He also says it’s my decision that I made and it doesn’t matter to him. He used a sinister voice while speaking. Creepy video. He did this on the day the premium was due to be paid. He texted me a few days before telling me I had a big decision to make… I am looking into removing him as trustee now with an attorney.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But I’d reach out to her retirement home/community and possibly a lawyer because this is screaming elder mistreatment to me.
If your grandmother isn’t able or cognitive enough to make these decisions, someone has to do it for her, like your uncle…
And no, I wouldn’t sign anything. You are now the beneficiary of your mother’s part of the life insurance/Estate. It doesn’t matter that cousin isn’t getting anything. If your uncle feels it’s unfair then he can give him his share too.
As it stands, your uncle is looking to take $600,000 of the insurance, leaving you with a quarter and him the rest.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“Get thee to a lawyer as soon as possible!
Do NOT sign anything. Do NOT agree to anything.
Inform your Uncle that you are seeking legal counsel and that all communication regarding this matter will need to go through your lawyer. Advise him (and auntie and any other flying monkeys they set after you) that unfortunately due to the complicated nature of trusts and wills, and the passing of one primary beneficiary have made this matter only a lawyer can handle.
After all, now that granny has dementia, she would be found incompetent in the eyes of the law, thus any changes she or anyone else tries to convince her to make would be nullified and the original will/trust would be in effect.
It’s only proper that until granny passes away, this discussion between beneficiaries is tabled. Then walk away. Shut the door in their face. Remove yourself.
You are due your mother’s share. Granny never put your cousin in of her own volition.
Uncle’s demands are his childish tantrum – if he wants his child to get money, the needs to split his own inheritance. Not your problem.
NTJ” JomolaMomo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stand your ground, and get a lawyer to advise you.
Your uncle is abusing his position as the trustee of his mother’s estate, and this is exactly why people lacking capacity aren’t allowed to change their wills any further.
Your grandmother doesn’t understand what she’s accusing you of, and how the money breaks down, but the plain fact is that her life insurance and will are already set up to give equally to each of her descendants.
The fact that your mom is deceased doesn’t mean that your uncle can claw back money under the guise of fairness; it is fair now. You inherit your mother’s share, and he is free to leave his share to his son!” Normal-Height-8577
9. AITJ For Uninviting My Sister From My Wedding?
“I’ve never been close to my sister but it was never rooted in hostility or some big drama or anything like that. I (29F) have an older sister, ‘Maria’ (34F) and I uninvited her to my wedding.
I did this because, throughout my engagement to ‘Dan’ (30M), she has been nothing but horrible to me and my younger half-sister, ‘Anna’ (26F) purely because she’s at my wedding party.
Dan and I decided that we’d only have one bridesmaid and groomsmen. To be clear, I did ask Maria to be the chosen bridesmaid first before asking Anna even though Anna and I are closer. Eventually, I spoke to her about it and she understood that she denied my question and I can’t be at fault for that.
I thought that was the end.
Over time, I noticed Maria began making inappropriate jokes to Dan and I could see he became visibly uncomfortable, I once again, spoke to her about it and she’d promise she’d stop. She didn’t.
Dan informed me that at one of the dinners we hosted (we had family fly out and decided to have a small dinner party just to welcome them) she’d attempted to kiss him in the bathroom. I told Maria in front of everyone that she was no longer invited to my wedding and can expect no contact going forward.
I don’t even remember who was present when I told her this because of how enraged I was.
Later that night, my mom called me saying I was a jerk for doing that and ‘I’m sure it was a little misunderstanding’ this made me even more upset but now I’m beginning to think I was a jerk for doing it in front of everyone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister has ignored boundaries before and now has crossed into completely inappropriate behavior. And your mother needs to stop enabling this kind of behavior. It sounds like your sister can keep getting away with these sorts of things because your mother keeps covering for her.
Also, being wasted is not an excuse for bad behavior. First of all, a person should not be drinking that much at formal events. Second, drinking doesn’t change your personality, it just reduces your inhibitions, essentially it shows the real person.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while we all appreciate the full context of your sister Maria’s behavior as of late OP you didn’t have to explain any further than her attempting to kiss your fiance in the bathroom. That is flat-out wrong and inappropriate on every level.
Your mother dismissing that kind of behavior as ‘a little misunderstanding’ is just shocking and appalling. Even if you were willing to give Maria the benefit of the doubt and believe your mother’s asinine explanation, it would only make things worse.
Here you and your fiance are hosting a small dinner party for family, and your sister is getting so wasted that she loses control of her mental faculties leading her to try and harass your fiance. It’s no wonder Maria hasn’t even tried to apologize yet, or why she thinks this kind of inappropriate behavior is okay.
Your mother has enabled Maria’s toxic behavior and there’s no doubt this isn’t the first time your mother has done this either.
You were completely in the right to confront Maria at the dinner party when she had just tried to assault your fiance.
I mean what were you supposed to do, confront your sister over the phone after the dinner party was over and everyone went home? You were also totally in the right to go no contact with Maria after the stunt she pulled with your fiance.
But it doesn’t just need to end there with Maria OP.
You need to be prepared to go no contact with your Mother if she does not offer a genuine and sincere apology to you and your fiance for her defending Maria.
Claiming that it was some little misunderstanding completely dismisses your fiance’s feelings on the matter and also may even imply that he had something to do with it as your mother was not never clear in saying exactly who was wasted or if it was both of them.” desolation29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is your day, your wedding so you should only invite people you want to have around on this day. I also think that it would be pretty uncomfortable for Dan to have her at your wedding.
A ‘little misunderstanding’ like that shouldn’t happen, especially as your sister. She has already started making inappropriate jokes about Dan before. So I have a hard time believing that it was just a ‘little misunderstanding’… It sounds more like she had to be wasted to have the courage to do things she already wanted to do before.
If your mother thinks you are the jerk here, ask her what she would have done in your shoes… I doubt she would have still wanted her (imaginary) sister to come to the wedding.
After all, it is your wedding so do what you and your future husband think is the right thing to do and enjoy your wedding!” Maayty
8. WIBTJ If I Attend A Wedding My Brother Doesn't Want Me To Go To?
“My brother (26) and I (29) are close. Growing up, we became best friends with another set of brothers. Like individual best friends. My best friend was (and still is) the older brother I will call Jeff and my brother was very close with Jeff’s brother Adam.
My brother dated a girl called Jane from before high school to right before their senior year ended. He loved her but he made a stupid mistake and she dumped him.
My brother went out of state for college and didn’t see adam as much anymore.
One thing lead to another and Adam started going out with Jane. My brother tore adam a new one. Called him a terrible friend and told him that he hates him. Every time adam is brought up my brother goes on a major rant about how much he hates him and hopes the absolute worst for adam and Jane’s relationship.
According to him, adam stabbed him in the back and twisted the knife.
This whole time Jeff and I have remained close. I see Adam from time to time. I don’t talk to him a ton but I’ll be friendly and I congratulated both him and Jane when they announced their engagement.
Now because Jeff and I are best friends and I’ve known adam all my life, I have been invited to adam and janes wedding.
My brother is not speaking to me right now. He isn’t speaking to me because I said I am ‘thinking about’ going to the wedding.
He is telling me I’d be a terrible brother and essentially betray him by going to this wedding.
I do believe adam was probably doing some shady stuff. I think it was definitely scummy of him to go after Jane after she and my brother broke up.
Like Adam and my brother were inseparable most of their lives. I agree that adam stabbed him in the back.
I’d go to the wedding to be there for Jeff. I don’t really care about Adam and Jane.
But we know where my brother stands on all this, and he would be extremely hurt. So would I be a jerk if I go to the wedding?
Edit: I will not be attending the wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your brother lost the girl, she broke up with him.
I’m generally not cool with close friends going out with each other’s exes, mostly because there is usually third-wheel baggage from the previous relationship that seeps into the new relationship. But your brother is being ridiculous about a girl he presumably lied to 8 years ago.
You have a perfectly legitimate reason to go (being friends with Jeff), but the backlash you will face from your brother will probably be big/annoying.
It seems like he hasn’t dealt with the fact that he messed up and wasn’t interested in making amends until she started seeing someone else, but you have to decide if the fallout will be worth it to go to a wedding of your best friend’s brother (who you are admittedly not super close to).” soradsauce
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
The prior relationship ended due to your brother’s choices. While I kind of understand him feeling betrayed that Adam started going out with Jane that was a high school relationship and they were presumably adults when their relationship began.
Your brother is 26 and if he is still this hung up on an ex he honestly needs help. He is acting like Jane had no agency in deciding to start going out with Adam like she just went along with whoever which is gross as is the idea that your brother owns her.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother is being ridiculous. He and Jane broke up because of something HE did. If Jane moved on to someone who doesn’t treat her like crap and that person happens to be Adam… well, maybe a lesson learned from your brother is to treat people better.
He’s a 26-year-old throwing a tantrum. Life is going to be rough for him if that’s how he handles things and Jane and Adam are the least of his problems. That being said, if you don’t really need to go to the wedding and it won’t affect your friendship with Jeff, to save yourself the hassle just don’t go.” User
7. AITJ For Violently Responding When I Was Told To Smile?
“I work as a cashier and a few days ago I was pulling a major poker face.
I know I know we’re supposed to look like we enjoy every second of this job but it was pretty dead at that moment. Our security guard takes one look at me and says this. ‘C’mon smile, why aren’t you smiling?’
I hate when I get this question because it’s like the people who tell me to smile had never worked retail before. So I turn to him and respond. ‘Kevin, I am cold, tired, and hungry! And you better pray to whatever God you worship that my period doesn’t start right now!’ He shut up and backed off for the rest of the day.
My mom, she and I work at the same place in different departments, asked what I said cause she saw my face but didn’t pick up everything from the conversation. I told her and she laughed but said I shouldn’t have said that to him.
Sure looking back it wasn’t work-appropriate but no customers were around so I thought I was in the clear, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand the people who asked that question when they see someone else not smiling. Not everyone’s day is all sunshine and rainbow, people had bad days more often than not.
Maybe this is a crazy idea: If someone is not smiling, maybe asked if they are okay, and not tell them to smile.
NTJ” the_furred_dragon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ha! Not only was telling you to smile which is bad enough by itself, but he was also wanting to know your state of mind/emotions/thoughts which is intrusive unless he is a friend.
Unless someone seems in distress and you are offering help, try to mildly cheer someone instead of demanding performances and confidence.” KnightofForestsWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Men telling women to smile is such blatant misogyny. As if we are just these pretty objects there for their visual consumption, no matter what, we must look as visually pleasing as possible.
No matter what is going on in our lives or at that moment. Or, I don’t know, just that we don’t want to. Only entitled jerks think that they have a right to an opinion about how somebody else should compose their face, much less command them to do so.
I have actually stopped suffering silently when men tell me to smile. Now I just tell them to shut up, and that I will do exactly as I please with my face. And they should really think about why they feel entitled to tell somebody else what they should do with their body.” leolionbag
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Deal With My Ex-Wife's New Partner?
“My wife and I have 2 kids. I adopted her daughter and we created my son. We divorced earlier this year and separated a year ago.
In a tight nutshell, she started feeling neglected while I was going to school & working while she was a stay-at-home mom.
Most notably in 2020.
For further context, I was working full time, working from home, at one job (my first career job as a software developer), and taking 6 classes at the same time for a year. For a portion of it, I was also picking up bartending shifts and doing graphic design work cause we were struggling financially.
With the neglect she felt, she went outside of the marriage and I caught her having an affair.
Me: ‘How long were you gonna let this go?’
Her: ‘I dunno, I guess until you figured it out’
We went to therapy and ‘fixed’ things.
But, then a few months later, she (26) developed an odd friendship with my boss (55). A month into them knowing each other, she called for a divorce and moved out. Moving in with him. This created an unbearably uncomfortable environment. Especially because my boss was my ‘best friend’ for those couple of years and mentor.
I came to him about my marriage issues as I helped support him in his divorce.
Well, I tried working with it, but too much stuff came out that it was clear it wasn’t just friendly between her & him (duh).
She was also incredibly cruel and without sympathy during the entire process.
Long story short, he ended up quitting his job about 8-9 months later after we spent the year separated from each other at work even though I reported to him.
He called me a couple of days later and told me that he and my ex-wife were going out (no kidding).
So, I don’t like either of them. I have to ‘co-parent’ with her. It’s high conflict, so we all stay away from each other.
I still have to communicate, usually by text, with her about the kids, but we don’t let it affect them.
Anyways, I think she’s bringing ole ex-boss SO to my kids’ school parade tomorrow.
I’ve thought about telling her ‘hey if he’s coming, just a heads up, I want to reiterate that I don’t want anything to do with him.
It makes me uncomfortable. I just want to be there for our kids and that’s it’. If he is there, I’m sure he’ll probably try to shake my hand and I intend on saying ‘no thank you’.
Does that make me the jerk?
Note: yes, I am going to therapy.
UPDATE: Extra note: our son is 3. So, I can’t stand far away. The parade concluded and it was actually an indoor parade and ex-boss SO wasn’t there. So, it was easier. And it was actually really easy for the most part.
One of my good friends who has her daughter going to the same school sat close by. So that made it easier. In those situations, my friends pretty much just don’t acknowledge my ex other than maybe a half-meant ‘hey’.
The ex and I didn’t say anything to each other other than her saying what time we could exchange kids on Sunday. No eye contact.
While walking around, our son would hold both of our hands at the same time.
So, he at least had a good experience.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She and your ex-boss sound like a match made in heaven! You just need to keep focused on being the best dad you can be for the two children who adore you and need you!
Your kids will grow to see their mom for who she is, and they will also grow to know that dad was always there for the, no matter what the circumstances!
Be there for the kids, to proudly celebrate the parade with them!
They will be so happy, knowing you are there to watch them! Be cordial with your ex, for the sake of the children. A brief nod of acknowledgment to her and her ‘date’ is all that is needed… and that is also for the sake of providing as stable and secure an environment in which you can co-parent your children as they deserve.
Stand tall, and good luck!” Effective-Gur-242
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s no need to interact unless it specifically has to do with the kids then don’t waste your breath on thoughts or texts on her.
I’m sure it’ll be an event that doesn’t require you 3 to be in the same area.
Unfortunately, it seems like your ex-wife and boss will shack for a while so you’re gonna have to******* up and just think of the kids. It’ll be uncomfortable and you’ve done nothing wrong but it’s the situation you’re facing now and near future.
Should your ex persist let her know face to face that you wish to not interact in any way shape or form with her partner and to respect your boundaries?
I don’t know but it feels like she can be vindictive so I suggest seeking some legal advice on this prior to anything.” No-Bottle-8922
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, but you might want to examine why you want to send the text. Do you think it will head off any problems or bring them to an easier resolution? Or do you just want to make sure they know they’re in the wrong?
Because whether or not they admit it, they already know. And trying to force them to admit that will at best prolong the awkwardness and at worst lead to a huge fight before the parade. If I were you, I’d try and be secure knowing that you’re not at fault here and your only job at this moment is to be there for your kids.
Keep putting them first and everything else will fall into place in time.” Pitiful_Yam5754
5. AITJ For Walking Out Of My Dad's Birthday Dinner?
“My dad and I are both in new relationships.
I’ve been hesitant to introduce him to my new SO because he has a tendency to get a bit rowdy and sometimes obnoxious when he drinks. We actually don’t speak much these days.
Anyways, we agreed to a double date at a steakhouse.
I could meet his new girl, and he could meet mine (my parents aren’t together).
Things are going well, but I notice he’s progressively drinking more and more, and he’s graduated to full-blown shots of vodka he’s chasing with orange juice.
Not my business, after all, it’s his birthday.
My SO noticed this two and tried to break the ice by asking if he recalls any funny stories of me as a kid.
He kept things pretty normal at first, but as time went on he became more and more wasted, and he made a comment that rubbed me in kind of the wrong way when we were on that topic.
He basically said
‘Yeah, Adam isn’t all that bad, I just wish he wasn’t as dumb. If I had my way, I would have asked my son to be a doctor, maybe a lawyer, but you aren’t really anything other than a bum who hasn’t figured out what he wants to do in life and that makes me look bad’.
Keep in mind, I’m 21. I do have a stable job and my own room I rent, but he’s right, I haven’t quite figured out my career path.
Me and my SO sort of attempted to steer him away from the subject, but he kept bringing it up.
And it advanced to him berating me due to my psychical features.
He was mocking my hairline, and my body, he even said ‘you know, you wouldn’t have to use all that hair product if you were a man and just shaved your head.
maybe you should have been a girl’. And this line kind of hit hard because I’ve worked hard to get my hair to a place where I think it looks good.
And this went on and on.
Eventually, I realized he wasn’t getting the hint, he was wasted, and I gestured to my SO that we are leaving.
I left him his birthday gift card and present and we exited the restaurant.
AITJ? Should I have not taken things as seriously, or brushed it off since it’s his birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your father was wasted. You are not obligated to sit there and let him verbally attack you, even if it is his birthday.
Terrible people don’t get a free pass any day.
You can get up and leave any time someone is abusive. Keep that in mind.
Personally, I think you were generous to even leave his card and gift. I would have taken them with me as I left.
Consider going no contact with your father after this.
A little advice from an internet stranger: you have your whole life ahead of you, with plenty of time to find your path. You have a steady job, and live independently and that’s a great start.
Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor or lawyer, and there are plenty of options out there. Be true to yourself, and do what feels right for you, and don’t worry about the expectations of the people who aren’t important in your life.” MerryMoose923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this hits close to home for me. I would suggest therapy as it has really helped with my daddy issues. Granted I’m twice your age so the sooner you’re able to get to talk to someone who can help process what’s going on, the better our long-term outlook can be.
Don’t wait decades like I did. You may regret not doing it sooner.
Also, unless you’re dad has some simply irresistible qualities like money, looks, your dad’s SO got a taste of how he’s like and how his ire can be directed towards her in the future and hopefully will cut ties with him.” KC_experience
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is a heavy drinker and a nasty one at that. Something tells me even without the booze, he’s a jerk. His heavy drinking will only get worse unless he gets some help but you can’t make him get help and yes I say that from experience nor can you make him a better person even if he did get sober.
Best to go low contact or no contact if possible. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste your energy on people who don’t add anything to your life even if you’re related to them.” User
4. AITJ For Not Telling My Sister-In-Law That Her Husband Was Adopted?
“My husband’s brother (both 30sM) was adopted at birth. My husband is younger and was not adopted. Their older sister is also biologically related. Our families have been friends since I was a kid so I guess I’ve always just kind of known that BIL is adopted.
BIL does not like to talk about being adopted, has never had an interest in knowing anything about his birth parents, and shares a lot of the same physical features as my husband and his parents so no one ever questions if he was adopted. Because BIL doesn’t like the topic, no one ever brings it up.
BIL met his wife, my SIL, in their 20s. When they first started going out, she made a couple of comments (about some similar physical attributes between the 3 siblings) that made it seem like she didn’t know he was adopted. I didn’t say anything because it didn’t seem like a big deal and it’s not my information to share.
Both SIL and I are struggling to get pregnant now. We were on a hike just us 2 and she made some comment about how maybe it’s not us and our husbands that have some shared genetics that is the problem.
I guess I made a surprised look when she said that. She asked me what the look was about and instead of saying it was nothing I told her that it was not my place to discuss it and that she should talk to BIL.
After we went home I got some furious texts from BIL, that I should not have even indicated that he wasn’t biologically related to his family and that SIL was upset. SIL texted me upset that we all knew that she didn’t know he was adopted and didn’t say anything.
She said she didn’t care that he was adopted but felt like an idiot that everyone knew but her and that I should have just told her years ago.
My husband says I should have just stayed out of it and went along with SIL’s suggestion that it was a shared biological problem.
My SIL is mad that no one told her (especially me since we are now friends). My BIL is mad that I ‘told’ her his secret. I feel like I’m getting blamed for holding a secret that was not mine to give out.
Am I really the jerk here? I didn’t mean to expose my BIL’s adoption but I guess I felt a little cornered.
Edit: one other thing to note… I kind of thought she would have figured it out within the last 5 years because our husbands are less than 5 months apart in age.
That’s also why I think I looked surprised.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They’re 5 months apart, there are pictures of them playing together as infants and she never even thought to ask. I get some of us can be oblivious but gosh.
I don’t think her being oblivious makes her a jerk though, your BIL definitely is and your husband too for blaming you. It sounds like they’ve been together for close to a decade so he’s had more than enough time to tell her.
It’s not like she would’ve thought less of him for it.
You’re in a sucky situation and I feel for you. This was not your secret to share, you didn’t even spill the beans… you just reacted to a comment and she connected the dots.
Has your BIL ever gone to therapy or had the ability to talk about being adopted with someone before and his feelings surrounding it? Cause him keeping this a secret from his wife as long as he has, and his general uncomfortableness with discussing his adoption overall is not normal. It’s one thing to not want to talk about it as a kid, your peers can be mean and mock you over something out of your control e.g. being adopted.
However, BIL is a grown man in his 30s, this is NOT something a well-adjusted adult (especially not one who had loving parents and siblings who’ve accepted him as part of their family, I have no way of knowing whether that’s true but it seems possible based on how you wrote this post).” jtheminipony
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. BIL should’ve told her. Not immediately, as per his views and wishes on his adoption, but eventually down the line. I mean this is his WIFE. He should’ve told her. He could have recessive or underlying genetic diseases and disorders from his birth family that he could pass on to his future children, without even knowing it (especially if he’s got the recessive gene).
I get he tried to hide a part of his past, but he shouldn’t do so at the expense of others, especially the one who dreamed of starting a life with him. You are not in the wrong, especially since you didn’t expose anything – you just directed her toward the real culprit.
While she does have the right to be mad about not being told, she doesn’t have the right to be mad at you. Her anger is directed at the wrong person, and she should look into who she married – if he’s to keep such a secret from her this long.
Who knows what else he’s hiding? (Not just from the wife, but the whole family).” corrieneum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But neither is anyone else for not telling her. It’s his business and if he hasn’t said anything about it, it’s probably a sore subject.
For a lot of adopted people, needing to be adopted because of the circumstances that led to them not being with their bio parents is an upsetting thought and I’m failing to understand why people are saying he should have told her.
It’s only something she needs to know if there are potential medical issues that can be passed down to their children. The only jerk move here is anyone who’s passing around blame instead of just taking ownership for keeping the secret and moving on.” AllAFantasy30
3. WIBTJ If I Want To Be Removed From The Emergency Contacts?
“My husband and I moved house in Jan and our new neighbor is elderly, to begin with, she was friendly, as were we and we went round for a brew and a chat.
She asked for our numbers in case of an emergency which was fine, fast forward and her daughter messaged out of the blue giving me access to an emergency key and adding us to her mother’s emergency line (if neighbor presses the emergency button it comes straight to us and the company calls asking us to check on her).
Since then she has become rather crabby, taking issue with our jasmine hedge, first requesting we cut it down – I say no, and she storms off… She rings round another evening demanding my husband come look at the hedge, I eavesdrop to hear her saying ‘your wife said no’, he also said no to taking it down but compromised that our shared handyman will cut it back on her side completely at our cost any time.
The next day, I hear a handyman in her garden, she lies and says we said to cut the hedge down… he doesn’t believe it as she had asked him to tell us to cut it down when we first moved in, guess what, the answer was no!
We like it and it adds privacy between gardens.
We have a newborn and the phone has gone twice in a week for an emergency, one was an accidental push and today it turns out she fell. She had double-locked the door so my husband couldn’t enter, and we had paramedics scaling our garden wall to get in as well as the fire brigade, my dog is going mental as they come through the house and the baby is screaming.
They finally get access and leave 3mins later as she is fine.
I can’t cope with the responsibility, WIBTJ to be taken off the emergency line? Other neighbors warned us about her demanding nature and nosiness but we just can’t say no!
Small update: I had myself removed from the contact list yesterday and just sent the following message!
Hi X,
It’s Y & Z, I hope you are well.
I’m just messaging to ask if you could please remove us from the Emergency line contact list, please.
We’ve recently welcomed our newborn and it’s too much responsibility for us right now.
Thanks for understanding, Y & Z.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have no responsibility to this person, and having access and being on their emergency line puts you on the hook with the responsibility to someone who isn’t related to you and brings no benefit to your life; joy, pleasure, company, etc.
You need to reach out to her daughter as she is the responsible party and either hire a nurse or move her to a facility.” voyeurdeux
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Run, not walk, back to her family and resign from the emergency line contact.
Be truthful in saying that it has caused a lot of stress and worry in your own lives, and you will no longer be part of it. She has her own family, and they are responsible for her care, NOT you!
I would cut all ties with her. She seems sneaky and manipulative and just a huge pain in your neck.
You have your own baby and family to care for. It sounds like you aren’t the only neighbors she’s rubbed the wrong way.
Wash your hands off that mess, for sure!” Effective-Gur-242
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But you allowing someone like this to just come into your life, the daughter putting you on some emergency call list for her without asking was just wrong (unless you forgot to mention that) means you shouldn’t be a parent as you don’t seem to understand the concept of keeping your child/family safe first. This situation was set up in a way you should have STOPPED immediately but you let an expectation that you would let her run all over your life and now you’re that she is literally running all over your life.
You have a child and a pet, this person has no relationship with you, nor do you have to be an emergency contact for some bitter old busybody. Next time maybe listen to neighbors and be cautious when given the advice to be cautious.
Personally, I’d plant more jasmine (smells wonderful btw) and tell the handyman the offer is over, she can pay to have it trimmed on her side, but I’d also put a camera up on that and watch to make sure she doesn’t try to poison the bush or your pets in the back yard to spite you.” Malgorath666
2. AITJ For Asking My Family To Accommodate My Wife's Food Issues?
“My (25F) wife (26F) has struggled with food all her life. She has struggled with both anorexia and ARFID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) to the point she became extremely underweight and has only since a year or two gotten better (weight recovered).
My wife has pretty bad eating habits (that she gets therapy for). She only eats late in the afternoon and the evening, and she has very few foods she tolerates. Usually, she makes her own food but often cooks for me, my family, and my friends because she loves cooking and baking.
The only sad thing being her not eating it herself.
For the past three years, she has hosted both our families in our home (talking cooking, getting drinks, making up games, and everything). In our most recent get-together, she made around ten dishes (soups, salads, potatoes, meat, fish, and many different desserts).
She does this with a lot of enthusiasm because cooking for her is a way to show love to people.
A few weeks ago we ate at my cousin’s (29M) place for a celebration, and he asked my SO to bring her own food since he wanted to order.
She obliged because she never wants to make a hassle, but when we got home she started crying because she hates having to bring her own things and feeling left out, especially when she always tries to accommodate everyone (I have a vegetarian and vegan family).
This past weekend we went to my brother’s (32M) place for our niece’s birthday, where they were planning on ordering food again. My wife said she was fine getting something to eat afterward since she didn’t wanna cause a hassle again.
My brother said he wanted to order Indian food, but there was nothing at that restaurant my wife could eat. I asked if he could instead order at a pizza or burger place, or maybe even a Chinese restaurant where my wife could eat a side dish, but he refused.
My wife said it was fine, but I got angry, considering my wife always accommodates everyone (including this brother, who is vegetarian) but no one makes an effort for her. When he again refused I decided to leave.
My mom says I’m being childish and my brother said I shouldn’t make such a fuss because my wife is difficult, but I said we wouldn’t host another event again until we got an apology.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Your wife might love cooking for other people but they’re not demanding that she do so, she does it of her own accord. Demanding that other people completely change their food plans to accommodate one person is a bit selfish, especially when you admit yourself that her needs are very specific.
It’s a bit like having to accommodate a severe food allergy – a lot of people feel too much pressure to get everything perfect. In cases like that, it is easier if the person with specific needs brings their own food.
If you want things to be ‘fair’, maybe next time you invite family over, tell them that you and your wife will be cooking to suit her needs and that they need to bring their own food if they don’t like it.” Est666
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… It sucks your wife struggles with eating disorders but when you are this strict about your dietary requirements it is always best to just bring your own food. I actually do this and so do a lot of my friends.
It is just easier than having someone rearrange an entire menu to accommodate or I just order from where I want to eat. You only mention that her weight has recovered but based on her reaction it seems the mental aspects of her disorders have not been addressed adequately and hopefully she is working on that part of it so she is better able to navigate through social situations where food is involved.” Cubadog
Another User Comments:
“It’s a tough one as I get she accommodates them, and you don’t like seeing her upset, and it would be great for them to accommodate her.
I think the problem is that accommodating them and accommodating her are totally different ballgames.
I know it’s not her fault she has disorders but it makes it incredibly hard to accommodate her without largely affecting everyone else. Therefore I do think the best solution is for her to bring her own food, or at best they can ask you for a specific thing she will eat and have that ready for her when she gets there.
Either way, it’s a separate thing from what everyone else is doing, but the second may make her feel more cared for.
Unless you just want them to not invite you guys so they can eat what they want?
I don’t think they should have to apologize for wanting to order Indian food for their event for their daughter.
You’ve probably also embarrassed your wife, who didn’t want to be a hassle, by causing a scene so you should apologize to her.
YTJ” BazTheBaptist
1. AITJ For Secretly Excluding My Friend?
“I (28F) have a friend (32F), who by all means, is a great friend and shows up in all aspects of my life. I never have to second guess if she has my back or not. But I don’t like what she’s doing and it rubs me the wrong way.
Usually for birthdays and even big celebrations, like an engagement party, baby shower, a kid’s first birthday, etc. Herself, our other friends, and I will all go in together for a big ticket item. People pitch in between $40 – $100, just depending on what the gift is.
I usually coordinate and everyone sends me their money and it’s not a problem. Her problem is, she never wants to send me her money in a timely fashion or at all (IMO). This tradition has been going on for years, by the way.
I will send messages out, weeks prior to actually buying the gift. Letting everyone know this is the date of purchase, how much to send me, and the due date of the money. She always acknowledges my messages and agrees to the due date and the amount.
But every time the due date comes, I never receive anything. I always give a grace period of a week before I follow up and ask for the money. She always says ‘Oh yeah I’m going to send’ and still never does!
Or I have to literally get upset and follow up for weeks for her to give me the money?
This last time, our friend had an engagement party. We all agreed to put in $100 for an expensive gift. She said she was game.
But she never sent the money after I sent follow-up texts (3 to be exact), asking for it. I never received it.
I can admit I was fed up with chasing her down for her part. So I covered her portion and left her name off the gift and our friend thanked everyone except for her.
She corrected the bride-to-be stating it was from her as well. I stepped in and said the bride was correct because you never sent the money to me, even after I followed up. She didn’t say anything. You could see she was visibly upset and she left. That was two weeks ago, and neither of us has spoken to each other since.
My best friend said I was a jerk because I could have told her my plan to leave her name off the gift and tell the bride-to-be in private who it was really from.
But I don’t think so, because why would you think your name would be on a gift you didn’t pitch in for?
Then correct the bride-to-be in public, knowing you never sent the money. If it’s a matter of she doesn’t have the funds (which I don’t think to be true, as she makes good money) Why not just tell me?
Or just say you won’t pitch in on the gift upfront? So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could of handle the situation with her better if she’s that good of a friend like you explain. You could of literally just told her when this was planned that if you don’t have her money by X date, she will not be included in the gift and card, and then stuck to it.
At least then she would have known. BUT I do see why you did it the way you did, it’s ridiculous to chase people down when they know money is due, and this is a long-lived tradition for your friend group.
Sometimes you gotta put your foot down and prove a point.” bromley325
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Your friend is a jerk for obvious reasons. However… I really don’t understand why you didn’t tell her that if she didn’t give you the money by a certain date, her name would not be included in the gift. You handled this situation poorly.
All you had to do was be direct instead of conflict-avoidant. In doing so, you would have given her a chance to give you the money and be included in the gift or not give you the money but still preserve your friendship.
You may have ended your friendship for over $100. Also – to answer your question – it sounds like she thought her name was on the gift because you previously put her name on the gifts when she hadn’t yet paid you.
Why would she think this would stop now?” Remarkable_Buyer4625
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and instead of costing yourself double in the future, divide the bill equally with those that pay. That way everyone is paying equally and it’s not always put on you to cover her extra expense.
You knew she wouldn’t pay so I don’t get why you didn’t exclude her during the calculating costs stage.
To the friend that said you’re harsh tell them they can pick up her tab then and that’s an extra £100 for this time alone you’ve been forced to pay for her, they can either Venmo you the money or stay out of it.” Sweet-Interview5620
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friend shouldn’t put you in a position to have to chase her down. But you should have told your friend (given how long you’ve been friends) that you didn’t include her on the card, either the day before the shower or when you arrived. It shouldn’t have been made public like that because it probably created an awkward moment in the middle of the shower, and the event wasn’t for either of you, it was for someone else.
Your issue with your friend shouldn’t have created drama in someone else’s day.” Abject_Researcher_12
