People Look For Clarity Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Telling My Dad That I Don't Like His Partner?
“My (18f) mom passed away from cancer three years ago and it was the most difficult thing me and my family have ever experienced. My dad became depressed for a while, it got so bad that he had to leave work for a period of time.
He’s doing much better now and even began going out with this woman, who I really really really really dislike, and I’m 100 percent certain she doesn’t like me either. We have kind of an awkward age difference too, she’s 29 (9-year difference from my dad) so she doesn’t really feel like a parental figure to me.
She always acts passive-aggressive with me and looks annoyed to see me. She’s always asking my dad to buy her luxury items like handbags and perfume even though we’re not that well off.
She also yelled at my 11-year-old brother for breaking a glass. I asked her if she could get me a souvenir when she went to Japan for a business trip and she called me spoiled.
I know these all sound like petty things but I really think my dad could do so much better, he is such a kind and generous person and she is the opposite. I finally got fed up and told my dad how I felt about her and he was just like oh ok.
I haven’t seen her at our place since then and I’m starting to regret it. I feel like I took away something from my dad’s life that made him happy.
I think I seriously messed up.”
Another User Comments:
“You might have saved him from a mistake. You told him the truth: she’s not someone that is good for him or his family.
In the time you have spent with her, she insulted you, yelled at your brother for an accident that happened, and makes you uncomfortable around her because of her poor behavior and attitude.
And she’s acting like a gold digger, wanting stuff.
You wouldn’t want him to waste more time on someone that can’t be bothered to be polite or kind to his kids, and who does treat them badly.
A person like that wouldn’t treat him well, either, once she thought he was involved enough. And he wouldn’t be happy, not really, knowing that she was mistreating you.
The person who will make your dad truly happy is someone that will also respect his kids.
It’s not your fault that she’s gone. It’s her bad behavior. Better for your dad, that he found out now. NTJ.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’ll tell you why, people who are deeply in love, or even just really, really like a person and think it’s going somewhere real don’t give up on a whim, you being honest with your father might very well have confirmed misgivings he was already feeling.
He may have already had suspicions of his own from something she said or did and you just validated them. Regardless of the reason, your father listened to and trusted your judgment, without argument, and that kind of trust is the most precious gift a parent gives a child, it shows how much he really cares and it sounds like you two have a close bond, treasure it.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to have feelings and your feelings are valid. You have a kid brother that will grow up with the woman that your dad chooses. So if you have a bad feeling about someone it is completely appropriate to one on one sit down calmly with your dad and respectfully voice your concerns.
You didn’t blow up and yell at her and make her feel uncomfortable which would have been out of line. The fact your dad ended the relationship tells me he was looking for that final straw and you provided him with it.
Don’t feel bad, you’re NTJ.” Double-Dot-2537
16. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Start Working?
“I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years.
She has two kids from her previous marriage Jason – 22M and Carla – 19F. When we married, my wife still had 50/50 custody of her kids, and she wanted to move into my house.
I converted the attic into a bedroom so both of her kids and us could have our own rooms. Their father is present in their life so I was pretty much designated the guy that married their mom and I’m fine with that.
I sorely underestimated how much having two teenagers in the house would increase bills. When I was single I could do my mortgage and bills fine on my own. Post-marriage everything but the mortgage has gone up, not including spending money for the kids and their extracurriculars.
My wife got child support from her ex and some extra help with their expenses, which helped a bit while she had it, but I still had to dip into my savings a lot.
It was really important to my wife to be a stay-at-home mom until they graduated. It was tight, but we made it work. Jason moved out after graduating high school to attend college out of state, and when Carla graduated last year we agreed she could have one year to figure out if she’d be moving out or applying to nearby schools.
Currently, she’s not working or in school.
A few days ago I go into the kitchen and my wife was on the phone with Jason and she told him that he was more than welcome to move back in and she was excited to see him when he got here.
After she hung up I told her that she should’ve run that by me first so we could discuss it. I wasn’t opposed to it but told her he should know what he’d be expected to contribute if he’s moving in.
She responded that she had always told her kids that they would always be welcomed home whenever they wanted and not have to worry about expenses.
I told my wife that was really nice of her, but she made that arrangement with her ex-husband when they were married, and she didn’t make that arrangement with me.
If Jason moved back in he’d have to pay ‘rent’ to pitch in with groceries and utilities he’d be using and it probably should be the same for Carla so it’s not one sibling paying while the other isn’t.
She said they’re her kids and shouldn’t have to pay to live at home so I told her if she felt that strongly about her kids not pitching in now that they’re adults, she could go back to work.
She’s been sleeping in Jason’s old room since we’re still debating it and her parents have chimed in with their two cents that I shouldn’t be making ‘kids’ pay to live at home.
My whole thing is – they’re not kids anymore. When they’re 40 they’ll still be her kids but that doesn’t mean treating them like minors. Especially if it means someone else footing all the bills.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve gone above and beyond by helping her financially when they were still in high school, allowing your wife to be a stay-at-home mom. You did not sign up to be the caretaker of adult children.
You offered her 2 excellent and fair options – the kids pay rent or she gets a job. What I would do at this point is sit her down with the finances, and show her exactly how much money goes out, how much comes in, and how much you anticipate the kids costing if they move back.
Also make sure she understands that things like vacations for her, extras for her, etc. are on the chopping block, and make clear what if anything you’re willing to sacrifice. And no sacrifice whatsoever on your end is completely reasonable.
Then tell her to come up with a mathematical solution. Let us know how things go.” jopa1967
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are several really good reasons for those kids to get jobs, most of which actually have nothing to do with your ability to support them.
There are 0 good reasons for adult children to have no responsibilities – no school, no job, no apprenticeship or internship, and no plan to launch as adults. She is failing them as a parent by allowing this.
As for your finances – you are presumably in or near your 40s, maybe older. It is unreasonable for you to sacrifice your future so that these adults, including your wife, can do literally nothing while spending your retirement.
Will these kids be supporting you in your later years or will they expect you to be a Walmart greeter until you die? Stand your ground – you are right on every count.” saurellia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom until they graduated high school, which is fine, but she never should have expected you to be supporting both her and her kid’s lifestyles forever.
Especially when she never ran it by you first about the kids moving back in. Although you are her kids’ stepfather, you even said they’re adults and don’t have really too much of a paternal figure in their lives.
Due to this, you shouldn’t be responsible for their financial well-being given they’re adults and not even your kids.
If your wife wants them to be financially provided for in your home, either she should get a job to help cover the added costs or her ex-husband should be providing financial support as you are helping his kids.
I would be very firm about this and ensure it can only be one of these two options, don’t let your wife walk all over you more than she already has.” ntg0703
You have to cut things to pay the bills. When she complains let her know you can't afford the bills and you refuse to get a second job to support her children when she refuses to support them.
If they have no money and mom can't just go to the bank and get jerk or give them a credit card they won't want to live there any more.
15. AITJ For Telling My Brother's Partner Our Family Hates Her?
“My (23f) family is shallow. From a young age, my parents stressed to us the importance of looks and appearances. Everyone in the family either models or does some kind of sport to remain fit.
The same is expected of any future spouse we bring.
Last year my brother Ben (28m) introduced us to his partner Jia (26f). Jia is sweet, but she is the total opposite of what my brother used to date, with the main difference being her weight.
Jia is not obese, but she’s definitely plus-sized.
Her size unfortunately warranted a lot of nasty comments from my family, most are said behind her back while some are said in a joking tone in front of her.
The family doesn’t shut up about how Ben deserves better and how Jia is not up to their standards. Over the year they have been together Ben did little to nothing to stop our family from teasing Jia behind her back, only stepping in when they have gone too far like photoshopping her face onto a cow and making prints of it.
I’ve had multiple conversations with my brother about the topic and Ben admitted that although he doesn’t find Jia attractive she is a great partner and will someday make an amazing mother, so he is willing to overlook her ‘lacking.’ I was disgusted by him.
A month ago was my cousin’s wedding and while the entire family took pictures together, Jia was asked to step back and ushered to a different room. The reason she was given is that until marriage, no one was allowed to join family pictures in case of a breakup, which I guess some families do but ours never did.
They never had any issue with Ben’s previous partners joining pictures, only Jia.
After the wedding, I decided that enough is enough and asked Jia to meet up privately for a conversation. When we met up I showed her all the text messages I gathered of family members insulting her and showed her how Ben did nothing to defend her and even joined in the ‘fun.’ I told her that I’m sorry she had to find out this way but my entire family hates her and I think she deserves a lot better than Ben, considering he did nothing to stop their behavior.
Jia looked sad at first before telling me I’m a jerk for showing her the texts and that she was not planning on breaking up with her partner so she would rather remain oblivious to how his family viewed her.
I later got a call from Ben also cursing me out for telling Jia the family hates her for something she can’t control (AKA her appearance) and it would’ve been better for everyone involved if she remained oblivious.
They are still together and ignore me whenever I see them, which makes me think I’m a jerk and shouldn’t have said anything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but what you did was not helpful.
I understand you did what you did to try to protect Jia, but maybe talking to her privately and asking her how all the negative comments affected her wound have been a better approach.
If she said she didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have needed to show her anything else. Also, if you stood up to your family and told them what they are doing is unacceptable, maybe that could help them rethink their shallow standards.
At the end of the day, this is about what Jia wants. She now knows the family she is potentially marrying into is not kind to her and her partner agrees with them; you have done everything you can.
The rest is up to her. I would suggest you stay out of their relationship drama from now on too. Jia is hurt and is looking for someone to blame and you are an easy target.” GlobalCalligrapher78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have gotten a good picture of how your family treated this girl, how they talk about her behind her back, even though your brother does not defend her.
The question is, why do you want to stick around or even be that close to your family? What are you going to do when it is with your SO who is the target or your own children?
While you did the right thing, and right now, she is in disbelief, and chances are she is giving them a free pass. It is only going to get worse for her, and you should feel sorry for any child that she and your brother may have.
And chances are when she gets tired of the treatment and the talking behind her back, it is going to be far worse on her than it is now.
So why you still stick around and give them a pass, this is something you may want to sit down and think about.
Going low contact if not no contact with them may not be such a bad idea if nothing more than to protect your future relationships, and dealing with messy breakups, where your family is the main cause.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and Jia is a short-sighted fool. There was absolutely no kinder way to have done this than what you tried. You did your best and anything past this point is on her.
Having said that, I now encourage you to consider how much ‘you’ want to be a part of your family – particularly if you’re planning on bringing a spouse and/or children into it, consider how even if they are immediately acceptable, people change all the time.
Illness or injury can cause a change in looks or weight, children born of beautiful people are not guaranteed to be beautiful, pretty babies grow into ugly adults, and Jesus Christ, the amount of damage they’ll do to any baby unlucky enough to be born ugly…
Even if you aren’t planning on having a spouse or children though, you yourself may become injured or ill in a way that damages your looks. If you don’t already have a support network outside your family that is, you know, normal people with normal values, you might want to consider creating one now so that your highly abusive family won’t be the only ones you have any chance of having contact with in the aftermath.” ISTFMM
14. AITJ For Being Angry At My Sister And Not Wanting To Forgive Her?
“My sister and I have had a tumultuous relationship for years. When I was pregnant with my son my counselor suggested a date with my husband with no phones. We went, and after I saw a text from my sister and responded. But it was a short response.
She started railing at me about how I never talk to her anymore and everyone in the world probably knows if I’m having a boy or girl except her and she is my sister so she should know first. My gender ultrasound was the next day so I didn’t even know yet.
When I told her this she called me all kinds of dirty names. I blocked her on everything (this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this). That night she sent me a long email about how I needed to get right with God; and that she is going to call cps and have my baby taken from me as soon as it is born, and also tell my husband the baby isn’t his to split up our marriage.
If that didn’t work she would find another way to get my husband to leave me. Now my dad is telling me I need to be the bigger person and apologize for my part in the argument and forgive her for her part.
AITJ for not wanting to do that?
Edit: this sister has done something similar to our eldest sister, whom we will call Bree. Bree was scheduling a vacation and was going to visit her and go to the beach together etc. Bree planned this a month in advance and told our sister the dates she planned on being there.
A week out our sister messaged Bree and told her she was a poor planner and she had only told her a week ago. Sister said she couldn’t host Bree and her boys as it was her anniversary and she would be working the rest of the time.
Bree screenshot the messages from a month before and said she had everything planned out perfectly a month ago. Sister got mad and did the same thing to her calling her all kinds of filthy names and saying how being a recently single mom must have her too stressed to plan anything very well etc. Bree canceled those plans and went to Florida instead to visit an old friend she hadn’t seen in years.
As well as alienating our mother recently. Again with the dirty names, don’t know that whole story though.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When people ‘forgive’ because it’s the Socially Acceptable Thing to Do, rather than because it is what feels right for you, that’s not forgiveness.
That’s just s pledge to not bring it up and make the offender feel bad again. We keep cheapening forgiveness this way and now people think it is the solution for conflicts in toxic relationships.
‘Just forgive! Don’t make this dramatic. You’re just overreacting.’
OP, you know this, but I’ll say it anyway. You don’t have to forgive her. Frankly, this is between you and her. Others don’t need to take sides.
If they want to wish to keep a relationship with both, they can. All that is asked is that your boundaries concerning your sister be respected when you’re around.
Also, if these family members truly care, then they should be looking for a way to convince her to get professional help.
The behavior you described is gnarly. The words she says point to an inaccurate perception of reality. She sees things very differently. And then to threaten to try to make your husband break up with you?
It’s irrational to expect further contact without any of her behavior being addressed.” foodieboricua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ignore your dad. From your reply below: ‘My husband knows all about it. He said if I choose to pursue a relationship with her in the future that’s my choice, but she won’t be allowed at our house, around our children,’
Your husband has your back. Good, but you should block your mother-in-law’s calls and texts and avoid her as much as possible.
She tried to sabotage you and your husband’s no-phone date (I assume she knew it was a no-phone date), and then went crazy when she didn’t get the reply she wanted. She sabotaged your sister Bree’s trip.
Then she started crap with your mom recently.
Dad seems to be enabling her behavior, asking you to apologize, so he doesn’t have to listen to her crap. Does she live with him?
Anyway, good luck!” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s especially hard to forgive somebody who hasn’t apologized or anything. However, the only thing I would say for the other side (and I don’t think that this is what your father is getting at) is that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting that it ever happened and going back to a hunky dory.
So even if you did forgive her, you should still keep her blocked, and still show your husband the email exchange, and still not allow her anywhere where she can be a threat to your marriage or children, which may well still leave you with no contact.
Your dad’s idea of forgiveness is whatever makes the problem go away the fastest. But even if he were right that you should be the bigger person (which, I suppose, is technically true, we should always try to be the best we can be), none of this would be accomplished by making peace and pretending nothing is wrong.
Your sister may well have some kind of issue and you would not be taking the high road by sweeping it under the rug and encouraging this to continue like your dad seems to want.
By no means would this make you the bigger person. What does your mom think?
Just curious, what does your dad even hope to accomplish? She’s threatening to try and take your baby for no reason!
Has he even tried talking to her? Let me guess, he doesn’t want to start an argument?” Valley_White_Pine
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Celebrate My Husband's 30th Birthday?
“I (29F) have been with my husband (30M) for ~10yrs, & married for a few years now. We’ve had a rocky relationship on and off because he has a serious passion for a specific sport, & I often feel like I’m 2nd best to said sport.
Not only does he have a job working in his sports industry, but he helps coach a team & during their season, has practice 3-4 days a week & for about half the day on Sat.
On top of this, he is constantly traveling for events during this season – at least 4 multi-day trips, usually more like 6-8, & two of them are major events & he’s gone 4-5 days.
I work 2 jobs, part-time in retail/food service & full-time as a custodian for a school. Because of this, I get the same breaks as the kids.
My husband’s 30th birthday is soon, & honestly, my field of care is barren.
I have always gone all out for his birthday. I plan parties, make his favorite meal & dessert, buy him presents & cards, plan trips, and plan events with all his friends, like laser tag… the only time we did something low-key was during the global crisis.
On the other hand, my birthday falls right around the 3/4 mark of his sport season, and we haven’t ever done anything special for my birthday that I haven’t planned, & the last thing I planned was in 2017.
He always gets me some presents & a card, but there’s no party, no trips, nothing big because he’s always too busy with his sport. Most of the time he misses my birthday itself because he either has practice or he’s away at an event.
This year I have 2 weeks off right after my birthday for Spring break, & I wanted to do something for my birthday. He asked me about a month ago to pick the sports events that work best with our schedule (needed to pick 2 & a backup out of a list of 5 or 6).
I said I didn’t care, just specifically didn’t want the event that is the weekend in the middle of my break.
Well, guess what. All the other events were full, so they signed up for the one I specifically didn’t want.
I’m so frustrated by this, & as a result, I just honestly haven’t cared about his birthday this year. We’re going on a trip across the country for a big sports event for his birthday, and outside of that, I haven’t done anything.
No present, no card, I didn’t plan a party, etc. He gave me ~24 hr notice that he wanted to have a small get-together with some work friends (& other coaches of his team), & ~6hr notice that this get-together would be at our house.
We cleaned the house, went shopping, & I made some of his favorite party food as well as his favorite dessert. The entire time I honestly felt like the maid. We played some party games & I didn’t understand most of their inside jokes/references.
They talked basically the whole time about their sport, & I just ended up feeling left out.
So WIBTJ if I didn’t do anything else to celebrate his birthday? I’m just so burnt out feeling like I put in all the effort and it’s never reciprocated, but I also recognize that I’m a highly sensitive person & I have Autism so I don’t know if this is me overreacting.
ETA: I have put effort into becoming involved in his sport before, but I just don’t really like it. I spent several years doing odd volunteer jobs or being a ref & it’s just not my thing, & it’s not something I want to pour myself into because it’s not a passion of mine.
ETA2: I guess I should include that we have talked about his (over?) dedication to his sport many many times while going out, while engaged, and while married. This is not something I’ve just been stewing over for a decade and getting progressively more annoyed. We’ve talked about it so much that I’m not sure what is left to say on the topic, but maybe we aren’t talking about the right things because nothing ever significantly changes.
ETA3: At first, he was just a coach. And then he got a job at the company involved with his sport. And then he began coaching there too. And then he had to travel more.
And then his company started doing their own mini sport event which he’s now involved in. I feel like it’s just spiraled to be his entire life, and it wasn’t always like that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if this has been ongoing for 10 years I don’t understand how you let it get to this point without having a reckoning or a ‘come to Jesus’ talk.
If this issue is that important to you, and it sounds like it is based on how resentful you seem, you should have talked this out and reestablished boundaries about this years ago.
But based on how much of his life seems to revolve around this sport combined with the fact that you dislike it so much and you are prioritized below it to your husband, it makes me wonder, what exactly are you getting out of this marriage because more than anything you sound really lonely.
And I can say from my own personal experience, nothing makes someone feel more alone than being in a relationship and feeling alone because you play second fiddle to their job, hobby, friend group, family, or whatever.” ANBU_Black_0ps
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think people don’t understand how autistic people may interpret situations and what is being said. Things with underlined meaning may even go over our heads because things seem very black and white in our heads and it causes an enormous amount of anxiety to balance a relationship between a neuroatypical and a neurotypical brain.
We don’t process things the same way. Actions and words don’t have the same weight to us that they have to you. The seemly overreactive manner we may show towards a subject may even be a mix of anxiety syndrome building up or even sensory overload due to excess exposure to the same information over and over again being thrown into our brain loop.
You know those people that usually have 30-40 tabs open on their browser with multiple topics working at the same time and there is music playing and you don’t know from where is it coming from?
That’s our brain. And to say she saw it coming? Maybe she did. But also maybe it wasn’t clear nor direct in her interpretation of how his words and attitudes were building it up to this result.
Anyway. I might be projecting.” sis3838
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, completely.
Look girl, I know you know what needs to happen. It sounds like you could leave right now and he wouldn’t even know you were gone for probably a few weeks.
Pack your bags, get your important papers, and leave this marriage. He doesn’t love you anymore, and you don’t love him anymore. Sure, you have grown accustomed to his (sometimes) being there in the same room as you.
But no, this marriage is dead and you need to call a divorce attorney today.
Do not compromise, do not debate, do not converse – just do. Once you have contacted a divorce lawyer, send him a single text that you are filing for divorce and any further communication will be through your attorney.
After that, go completely no contact – change your phone number, move to a new address (do not share that address), and block on all social media. It’s time to live your life!” NICE59FORDF100
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Friend's Kid's "Auntie"?
“I’m a woman in my 30’s. I made friends with another woman in her 30s at work. She has a four-year-old son.
She is definitely a mom that likes her adult time (in a healthy and I’m definitely not neglecting my kid sort of way).
She seemed pretty cool with having an ‘adult time only’ friend. I have some sensory issues and I really, really dislike being around kids. They are so loud and have a lot of energy and I just am not comfortable hanging around them.
I don’t hate kids and I’m happy for people who have them if they want them. I just prefer to be the rated R friend if you will.
Well, in the last year or so my friend has been hinting that she’d like me to hang out with her and her kid.
Hinting about going on vacation with all of us, making kind of open-ended statements when the babysitter cancels, asking me to babysit (once), and then directly telling me that something was ‘part of my auntie duties.’
All of this is not cool with me and the last time we hung out, she brought up the fact that I love scary stuff and she hates it, but her son really liked it so she wanted me to take him to do some Halloween stuff.
I said, as kindly as I could, that I was really not comfortable with kids in general, and the thought of watching her kid gave me massive anxiety just thinking about it. She got very huffy and left early.
She texted me later saying she thought I was a jerk.
ETA – When I said adult-time only friend, I meant we hang out with the dogs and go to bars. We aren’t sleeping together.
She is married and I’m in a long-term relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘She brought up the fact that I love scary stuff and she hates it, but her son really liked it so she wanted me to take him to do some Halloween stuff’.
He’s 4. Scary for most 4-year-olds is ‘There’s a Monster at the end of this book’, not Friday the 13th movies. I am sure that it is well within his mother’s tolerance levels.
‘directly telling me that something was ‘part of my auntie duties’.’
Yeah, no. You have no auntie duties unless you choose to have them. Being her casual adult work friend doesn’t oblige you to adopt her entire family and get assigned tasks.
Is it possible that she ‘fancies’ you as a potential life partner and is trying to insert you into that role? Alternatively, maybe she is just looking for a potential roommate to share expenses with and wants to be sure you and the kid get along.
Perhaps she just misses family or friends who previously were like aunties to her kid and just expects that sort of attitude.
Regardless of why she behaves as she does, or why you make whatever choices you make for yourself, you have no obligation to do anything more than what you choose to do.” latents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s pretty presumptuous of her to assume that someone who has expressed absolutely no interest in such responsibilities would be eager to jump at this ‘opportunity’.
I’ve seen this sort of thing happen and it’s so odd — just because someone is friendly with another person doesn’t mean they also want to hang out with or care for their child.
It’s one thing for the adults to arrange/agree to a meetup where the child is included. Another thing entirely to be expected to form a relationship and provide childcare.
It sounds like she’s been forming a friendship with you with this in mind.
I’d tempted to tell her maybe she should spend more time with her child and less time trying to pawn him off on someone who’s basically a stranger to him just so she doesn’t have to look after him.” paul_rudds_drag_race
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I’m pretty upfront with being cool with kids and generally enjoy taking care of them, but the stigma is such nonsense to me since, as a man, I’m still not ‘allowed’ in so many circles to like kids that aren’t my own.
The inverse is still true for women.
It’s likely that though this friend likes having a person that isn’t a mom friend or fellow parent that she doesn’t have as much to contribute to the conversation at times, or is herself lacking adult friends (or even her spouse) who help her out with her son.
That’s not to say it’s your responsibility, far from it in fact, but I can speak from experience of having these conversations with my friends who are parents that feel like they’re in a bubble of sorts that limits their pre-kid lives.
Communication might win here if you really want to salvage the friendship, but her calling you a jerk unprompted and unjustified makes her the jerk.” samjp910
11. WIBTJ If I Give A Diamond Necklace To My Daughter?
“My family has the tradition that the father gives a small necklace to his daughter(s) when they graduate from college/get married. My daughter, Joanna, has said numerous times that she does not wish to get married, so I’ve been saving to buy a small diamond necklace for her.
My wife and I have been married for 6 years now, and when we met/got married, her daughter, Sarah, was already 17-18 years old and we never really bonded, we are civil, and I appreciate her, but it’s obvious that she’s not my daughter and I’m not her father in any shape or form, which is fine by me.
When she graduated from college, I gave her a small silver necklace per tradition and she liked it; it’s another piece of jewelry in her collection.
Now that my daughter is about to graduate, I want to give her something nice, she’s my only kid and we have an amazing relationship, she has also worked very hard ever since she turned 15 and she’s, honestly, a very good kid.
Kind, empathic, intelligent, and giving, she’s my pride and joy, she has always loved things shaped like hearts and I found a small necklace that has a piece of diamond-like that and I know she’ll love it.
I told my wife the other day and showed her a pic, but she didn’t like it. She said it’s not fair Sarah got a silver piece that looks nothing special, and my daughter gets a ‘friggin’ diamond’ I stated my reasons, that Sarah and I are not close at all, while my daughter is the only child I have.
She said I’ll be a jerk if I do it and I’m not so sure anymore. I thought it didn’t matter since she’s not giving anything to Joanna like I did to Sarah (and I don’t expect her to), so I think I can do whatever I want, but I need some insight.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepdaughter was practically an adult when you met her, and you didn’t have much of a relationship with her when you graduated. I think it’s sweet that you still got her a necklace despite that since neither of you probably considers you to be her dad.
I presume you’re somewhat closer now. If it turns out she does end up upset over the difference, you can talk to her about it then and discuss an alternate special occasion for some kind of bonding or whatever, I guess?
The point is you did the right thing by not forcing yourself into the dad role for your stepdaughter. At the moment, it’s just your wife getting offended on your stepdaughter’s behalf.
It might be a good idea to talk to your stepdaughter about this. Based on my experience, your wife could tell her about the necklace to turn her against you, but it’s kind of you to judge if you think she would do that since you actually know her.
Edit: also, could your wife be jealous that you’re getting something so expensive for your daughter and not her? She might think that if you’re gonna get expensive jewelry, then it should be for her and not your kid.
Or she just doesn’t approve of the price and doesn’t think you should be buying jewelry this expensive at all. I know that’s not what she said, but people don’t always say exactly how they feel or are unsure why they feel the way they do.” AwkwardBugger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you had barely known your stepdaughter at the time of her graduation. Giving anything should have been appreciated, giving something like your wanting for your daughter would have been totally inappropriate.
It might have come off as trying to bribe her or such. Giving your daughter such a gift is more understandable. Does she intend on furthering her education? If she does, maybe scale back the high school gift and have a more substantial gift for college graduation.
You might find a jewelry set that you could give one piece for high school and the other piece for college. Your wife does not get to dictate what you give her, and if she is comparing what you gave to someone you had only known for 2 years vs 18 years, she’s just messed up.” eyore5775
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. Sarah needs to get a grip on herself. You are in no way required to give the same thing or spend the same fund on your wife’s adult daughter then your daughter.
It’s not like you raised her. Your wife sounds really jealous. What is her relationship like with your daughter? What you gave your stepdaughter was fine. Give your daughter the gift she will love and that you saved up for and tell your wife if she wants her daughter to get a diamond she should buy her one.
Seems more than a little silly when parents want a person to give the exact same stuff to their stepchildren in comparison to their own children. Face facts, there is a difference.” TastyHome8183
10. AITJ For Suggesting My In-Laws Stay In A Hotel?
“My (27 male) husband (34 male) is a higher-up in his company. He has to travel a lot for work and because of this, we usually end up spending at least half the year outside of our home state.
As this will likely be the case for a considerable portion of our future (and after falling in love with our ‘home away from home’), we decided to purchase an additional house there.
The transition from living out of a hotel to having an actual home brought a lot of joy into our lives, but it also caused complications.
Obviously, our parents miss us when we’re away, but we don’t see them much more when we’re at home.
We live about an hour away from both his and mine, so it can make ‘just dropping by’ visits difficult. When we return from our time out of state, we typically devote a weekend to each of them where we go and stay with them from Friday to Sunday in order to catch up.
Other than that, we mostly see them on holidays and birthdays when we can make it. That’s enough for my husband and me.
The issue arose when my in-laws started talking about coming to spend a week with us in our new house.
They said it’s the perfect excuse to take a vacation and to put in some extra quality time with us.
Now, I like his parents. We’ve always gotten along. But the thought of hosting them for a week is not my idea of a good time.
After living in a hotel for a while, it has made me appreciate solitude so much more. Being alone with my husband without having to hear noises from other people, or worry we’re making too much noise has been so nice.
I don’t really crave going back there with extra hosting duties on top of it. The onus of entertaining them will also fall onto me while he’s at work. Still, I agreed to let them come under the caveat that we wouldn’t be completely changing our routines or habits to appease them.
My husband told me he would handle it if it really did start to bother me.
They got here on Friday afternoon, so thankfully my husband has been with me for the majority of the time.
This morning, however, he ran out to get us all breakfast and my MIL pulled me aside and let me know she could hear my and my husband’s ‘intimate moments’ the night before and requested we keep it down.
I told her that if she would like, there’s a lovely hotel just 15 minutes away that my husband and I would be more than happy to pay for. She was affronted and things have been tense ever since.
At some point, she pulled my husband aside and demanded he talks to me and gets me to apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
So they do not want grandchildren?
I mean you and your husband are married, and children would require that you and he be intimate.
Your MIL needs to understand that if the 2 of you are not seeing each other, being intimate is natural. So if you are going to apologize, it would be, ‘I am so sorry that my private time offended you.
I can only guess you never want to have any grandchildren.’
Then walk away and talk to your husband about say not having family over that often where you and he can have private moments on your own time and decisions.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They arranged a visit because they miss their son and want to see you, you could have said no or directed them to a hotel at this moment.
Instead, you agreed, and when they asked you to keep it down a little (a completely reasonable ask – nobody wants to hear their child or parent having intercourse), you double down and threaten to kick them out.
Your comments stating you’re going to be extra loud having intercourse to annoy them is very juvenile and will destroy your relationship with them.
Don’t say yes if you clearly don’t want to see them, then make them feel awkward and unwanted. It’s less than a week, you can play good host for a few days if you want to maintain any sort of relationship going forward.” vitryolic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Completely the way to handle it.
They invited themselves to your house and you made it clear you weren’t changing your ways.
You’d think they’d be happy you have a loving and fun marriage instead of chastising you for some noise.
Good guests stay quiet and make alternate plans if needed. They don’t tell their host to refrain from making intimate noises. Hotel, grin, and deal.
I’m assuming you’re not screaming dirty words over the intercom.
If so, may want to tone it down.
Maybe get your parents headphones.” AdorableTechnology39
9. AITJ For Screaming At My Mother-In-Law?
“While I was home alone, MIL let herself into our home using the code BIL gave her when he fed our cat while we were on vacation. He gave it to her when he couldn’t come over one day.
We had no idea. I don’t know if she knew we weren’t supposed to be home at that time, but I ended up staying home. She and my husband planned for her to drop something off at ‘some point’ in the coming days, but they didn’t plan a specific time because if no one was home, she was going to drop it off outside the door.
I vaguely knew of these ‘plans.’
So after she surprised me with her unexpected presence, I sort of lost my cool. First, I was startled and a bit scared for a second (I always know when my husband comes home by the sound of the garage).
Second, not surprisingly, she has a huge problem with boundaries that her husband deals with. I raised my voice, asking why she was there and how she let herself in, then I told her she can’t just do that and that we were going to change the code.
She herself was stunned by my reaction (probably because I’ve always been super nice) and tried explaining herself (she didn’t want anyone to steal the empty Tupperware she was leaving). She said she’s never let herself in before.
She started tearing up, apologized, then left. She is highly sensitive and kind of fragile. If my husband tells her he can’t do yet another thing for her, she will tear up and weakly say ‘oh, th-that’s ok…’.
The entire family believes it’s manipulation. He’s learned (through therapy) not to immediately cede to her when she does that.
She called husband crying, told him I screamed at her, insinuated she was ‘crazy’ and made her feel ‘very, very unwelcome.’ The last part is true, but the first two are absolutely not, but I believe if anyone raises their voice at her, she perceives that to be ‘screaming’.
She kept on telling him he can’t let me talk to her like that (I don’t think in a sexist ‘keep your woman in line’ way, I think it was more ‘she knows I’m sensitive so she can’t talk to me that way’ way.)
Husband is behind me, but I can tell he’s just worn out.
Was I the jerk for losing my cool in the moment when husband wasn’t there to intervene?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think you should have to temper your reaction just because she is ‘sensitive’. You were startled by what you thought was an intruder in your home and then irritated to find out it was a family member who let themselves in without permission or even notice – you reacted the way most people would.
She needs to look at her own actions if she doesn’t like the consequences. She KNEW that she did not knock/ring the bell to see if either of you were home before she let herself in.
She KNEW that she did not get the code from you or your husband or have permission from either of you to use it. She cannot just do whatever she wants and then cry fowl when she doesn’t like people’s reactions.
Yes, maintaining boundaries is hard and can feel exhausting. But dropping the boundaries and letting people walk all over you is not better.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were startled at the end.
Have you ever seen a parent when they find their lost child (think like, lost in a mall)? Their initial reaction is actually anger – WHERE WERE YOU – because they are scared and emotional. Similarly, someone just walking into your locked home is terrifying and that feeling doesn’t go away because you know them, so of course, you had a heightened reaction.
You don’t owe her an apology for being surprised in your own home. There was also no reason for her to let herself in without texting someone to let them know she was coming and get permission to enter.
If she just stopped by, she could have knocked like a normal person.
And you don’t owe her an apology for your tone. The best thing for you and your husband to do is just ignore this conversation.
She already told your husband how she feels, and cool, now you both know her feelings, and she knows the code is changed and that she isn’t to just let herself in. So now it is done.
Just take a deep breath and let it go. When and if she brings it up again, just walk away from the conversation and tell your husband to do the same. Do not participate in her theatrics, and you will be surprised at how quickly they go away.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s be clear on language here – she doesn’t think everyone is yelling at her, she pretends she thinks everyone is yelling at her. She isn’t sensitive, she acts like she is hurt because she is manipulative.
She knows she shouldn’t have used the code. She did it anyway. Then she tried to manipulate your husband to cause problems in your marriage.
Keep repeating those sentences over and over again as your new mantra.
Your husband is tired because his mother is manipulative. You had a perfectly normal reaction. Your husband will continue to be tired b/c his mother will continue to be manipulative. His mother’s manipulative behavior is not your fault.
If he is tired, then he needs to double up on therapy sessions until he can say no to his mother without feeling guilty. That is the only thing that will make him less tired.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Ruined My Concert Experience?
“I (18F) have been a very big My Chemical Romance fan for most of my life. Since they broke up in 2013, so I never thought I’d get to see my favorite band live.
Until 2019 when they announced their reunion. I was so excited, and we got tickets for their reunion tour. I don’t even wanna admit how much my mom (40F) paid. My mom didn’t know the band very well but she did her research and tried to learn their songs.
She seemed genuinely interested, which is why I feel bad for yelling at her.
The concert got postponed by 2 years and it was finally last month. The show itself was amazing, but being at that concert with my mom felt like being at a concert with a toddler.
Even though my mom had done research in the years leading up, she still didn’t know most of the songs, which was fine. But when she didn’t know a song, she’d talk through the entire thing.
She’d talk to me and even people around us who were clearly annoyed and then get upset when we wouldn’t respond because we were trying to listen and sing along. She kept whining ‘Why aren’t they playing (insert a song)?’ and even making inappropriate comments about the band members.
It’s basically a tradition that MCR plays their song ‘Helena’ at the end of every show. She spent the entire second half of the show whining ‘When are they gonna play Helena?’ Even though she already knew it would be the last song.
She talked or whined through the majority of the show and while I tried my best to ignore her, it still soured the experience. And then at the end of the show, she threw a literal TANTRUM in front of tons of people because they didn’t play her favorite song, a song that’s not super popular and I already warned her they probably wouldn’t play.
We took a bus to the concert venue and were told to head to a particular bus stop after the show. Instead, my mom wandered around outside the venue, yelling about how she was lost. I knew how to get to the bus stop but she was just ignoring me and running around like an idiot.
She even wandered into the busy city street and I had to pull her back onto the sidewalk. I hadn’t seen her drink at all so I genuinely don’t know what her deal was.
I never brought up how immature she acted at the concert. My mom always talked about the concert so fondly when she’d tell family and friends about it, but her behavior makes it hard for me to look back on the concert positively.
I eventually got fed up. I called her out and told her she ruined the concert for me, and as I expected, she cried. She told my aunt and grandma what I said and they called me to tell me to apologize because my mom spent so much money so I could see my favorite band and I was being so ungrateful.
I am grateful that she spent all that money to see my favorite band, but I didn’t have as much fun as I hoped because of her behavior, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When the concert was first scheduled you were 16 so it was appropriate for your mum to take you. The 2-year delay sort of tripped you up!
Your mum’s behavior not only ruined a much-awaited concert for you… but also, everyone around her.
She was a total jerk.
Her behavior after the concert was life-threatening and terrifying for you.
She deserved to be told, especially when she is rewriting history to make herself look good.” squirlysquirel
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This has all happened in the past and there’s no reason to bring it up! Simply just don’t invite your mom to a concert again. You can be annoyed at the way she acted, but how would it be productive to bring up how she ruined your time?
She wouldn’t be able to make it up to you other than an apology, which won’t bring back the time you missed during the concert.” Top-Scratch8379
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
How old is your mom and has she never gone to a concert before or even been in a crowded place because how could a grown woman think acting like that is normal?
Of course, you didn’t enjoy it as much as you could’ve, your mom wouldn’t stop talking and whining through the whole thing! And talking not only to you but to the people around you?
I’d have told her to leave me alone. The way she acted after the concert is just bizarre, running around screaming about being lost while ignoring you who clearly knew where to go.
Jesus. I know you said you didn’t see her drink but that doesn’t mean she didn’t because unless that’s normal behavior for her I can’t see why she would act like that
She was rude and immature, and it doesn’t matter if she spent a lot of money on this as a gift to you. Her behavior was inappropriate and you had every right to tell her that it ruined the concert for you.” NJtoOx
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
Your mom sounds like a pretty lame person to go to a concert with. I can see how it took away a lot of the joy of the experience for you.
But… I don’t think there was anything your mom did that completely crossed the line. She talked. She complained. She had a tantrum after the show was over.
Those things are definitely immature, but they could have been a lot worse.
Ruining the concert would have been causing you to miss it, or making you late for it. Or starting a fight, or spilling her drink.
What did she do? She annoyed you a lot, she annoyed others a bit, and she embarrassed you.
But guess what? Even if she had been on her best behavior she probably would have embarrassed you. That’s just normal when you’re a teenager and your mom is 40.
I think the mature thing for you to do would be to apologize and thank her for giving you such a nice, expensive gift.
But… also take this as a lesson learned, not to go to that kind of concert with your mom again. If she wants to buy you a ticket to something, make it something you’d both enjoy, rather than your favorite band.
Maybe a broadway musical? Or Cirque du Soleil? Or a sports game that you enjoy but you’re not a crazy fan of? Something you’d find entertaining enough but not something that means so much to you.
And when it’s your favorite band of all time, save up your own funds and go with a good friend who’s also a fan, or a friend who will have fun with you anyway.” dmazzoni
7. AITJ For Being Annoyed That I'm Not Inviting To My Own Baby Shower?
“My partner and I have been together for four years. We lived separately. He was 30 and lived with his parents. I was 31 and lived with my 6-year-old.
We had our baby on September 14th. The baby shower was sometime in August. His aunt decided to throw a baby shower for him. She said it would be a male’s version of a baby shower.
Men only, but that was a lie. She invited his mother, her daughter (his cousin), and herself, of course. She said I wasn’t allowed to come. If it were a ‘men only’ baby shower, then why were those women there?
Also, that would only make sense if it were a bachelor party. I was carrying the baby and I wasn’t allowed to be there. All my partner said to me was that ‘It was out of his control’ I feel like he should’ve stood up for me and said that it didn’t sound fair, that it should be a baby shower for the both of us.
Every baby shower I had been to always had both parents. Also, I didn’t feel like he deserved a party looking like he’s the father of the year, because he didn’t even show up to many of my baby appointments except for two of them.
One was when we found out the gender. It was on my birthday, but he had to leave shortly after the appointment because he was spending the day with his mom.
ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Also, they lived together! Another appointment he came to was a three-hour glucose test, but he spent half that appointment on the phone with his mother. Also, he wasn’t there much for me during the pregnancy when I was throwing up or needed help lifting something.
I had to do it mostly by myself. Again, we are together. Maybe this would make sense if we weren’t together. He tells me that the baby shower wasn’t out of spite.
That it was supposed to be guys only, with the exception of his mother, aunt, and cousin. Yet, I’m the mother.
Edit: No, this isn’t the first time I’ve been treated badly by them.
This time just happened to really bother me, because it did make me feel like they were doing this to take my baby away from me. Also, anything involving my kids would make me want to be defensive.
I also questioned why my 6-year-old boy wasn’t invited, since he is in fact a boy.
I did say it made me feel like I was a surrogate, yet surrogates still get treated better than that.
I do feel like the baby shower was for him and his mom.
I do feel like I’m the baby mama that they all hate.
I do agree that he didn’t stand up for me when they asked him if they could plan that event.
He could’ve said that it was not right to exclude me, but he didn’t. He went along with it. They all claim it wasn’t to exclude me, but who excludes the mother from an event for her baby?
I made sure not to have them at the hospital because I didn’t want a group of people who didn’t like me to be around when I’m trying to recover from my c-section and have the privilege to meet the baby after being excluded from an event for my own son.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you don’t have an aunt-in-law problem, you have a problem with your partner.
The aunt throwing a baby shower for the father of the baby and not the mother, when they’re together, is beyond weird.
I know of ‘daddy showers’ (my husband attended one years ago) where all the guests are men and they bring gifts for the father-to-be and the baby, but as far as I know, those are organized by another man (in the case of my husband’s friend, it was his brother who came up with the whole thing) and it’s mostly a tongue-in-cheek way of contrasting with traditional baby showers that are usually ‘feminine’ in aesthetics (and on a more serious note they are about providing support for the dad, who is often invisible during pregnancy and newborn stages), there is no ill will towards the baby’s mother nor is she ‘forbidden’ to attend.
Even if this is what they were intending to do, your partner should have considered your feelings and stood up for you. Why couldn’t you attend near the end of the event (something I’ve seen a lot of dads do at traditional baby showers)?
Or why couldn’t he simply oppose this weird daddy-only baby shower citing ‘my partner and mother of the baby is uncomfortable with this, so no, thank you’?
Definitely sounds like his family doesn’t like you.
And he sounds like he enjoys the attention he gets from his family of origin, even if that means casting you aside.
But the main problem is per your own words he’s been a terrible partner and father thus far.
That’s what makes him the jerk, and that’s what you need to think about.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for having his baby at all. I don’t know how you typed all this out and thought any of this was acceptable.
You know things only become acceptable or normalized when people are willing to just accept situations with zero pushback. You could have pushed back at any time on all of this nonsense but you didn’t, you sat back and accepted it.
You HAD to know what kind of person this man was before you got pregnant with him yet you still decided HE was the guy you chose to have a baby with. Why are you having a baby with someone who doesn’t care about you or the baby?
When/why did you think anything would change unless you were the agent of change? You are the jerk because you had plenty of warning signs and ignored them all.” GiddyGabby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t invited because you aren’t a part of their family. You need to see this for what it is before you are fighting them for custody of your child.
Sounds like his mom will be in charge and when you disagree you will be fighting to be in your child’s life. You need to make sure you are covered and have good support to turn to.
You also need to make sure there is a proper distance between you and them.
This isn’t just a red flag for your partner this is some crazy nonsense you need to look out for.
You don’t throw a baby shower and don’t invite the baby mama unless she isn’t part of the family. Most baby showers include the surrogate when there is one. You weren’t even showed that level of appreciation.
This is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen!!!” sjohnson7645
6. AITJ For Not Helping My Brother With His Finances?
“I’m a 23-year-old guy and I live in NYC with my parents. I’m in my senior year of college (college is in upstate NY) but my lectures and exams are online so I’m not dorming at the moment.
I have a part-time retail job here and pay my own credit card every month, usually around $300. The rest I save. My brother is 29 and left his 6 figure engineering job in Seattle to start a Ph.D.
program in California this fall. He has a 3-floor townhouse in Capitol Hill, Seattle where he rented 2/3 rooms to other tenants for $1800/month. He wants me to move to Seattle and get a full-time job in retail to be the third tenant of his townhouse and pay him $1000/month.
I’ve been to Seattle and did not like it. Very dead at night compared to NYC, and I don’t have a car, so I wouldn’t be able to get around much either.
My life is here in NY, and I don’t see it being my responsibility to pay my brother’s rent. He’s been telling my parents that I ‘have 3 options; go work in Seattle and pay him $1000, stay in NYC and give him $1000, or work with my dad’.
My mom agreed with him and suggested I also consider going back to living at my college and working there (my mom doesn’t work, if anything she should get a job and help him).
My dad is indifferent to the situation. My brother got mad when my parents had him on the phone and I told him it was not my responsibility to pay his rent.
He started saying I ‘have no future and I’m going to live with my parents until they’re gone and then I’m going to beg him for help,’ so I cursed him out.
He’s always been a condescending jerk with an inflated ego. No one forced him to leave his job and go for a Ph.D. and expect his family to cover his expenses.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re literally in your senior year of college. What does he mean by ‘have no future’? He does realize that you’ll certainly have no future if you ‘get a full-time job in retail’.
Staying at a dead-end job just to pay your brother 1000$ a month. Big no. You were right to curse him out. Maybe remind him in a year’s time, you’ll have your college degree and be able to make your own way from there (also, probably move out of your parent’s place).
You certainly do not have only 3 options, and all your other options have nothing to do with paying your brother’s rent cuz he can’t afford it.” Fit_Potential2416
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If your parents (or just your mom) no longer feel like having you live at home, that is their choice.
But they cannot tell you where to live aside from not being with them. Expecting you to move across the country just because your brother needs another tenant is absurd. Expecting you to help pay his mortgage even if you don’t live there is even more outrageous.
Sit your parents down and tell them that you moving to Seattle and/or providing financial assistance for your brother is off the table. Then ask if they are content for you to continue living at home or if you should start looking for affordable accommodations elsewhere.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I suppose there’s some planet your brother might inhabit where Seattle is the center of the universe, and you could do essentially what you do in NYC in it while paying him rent instead of living with your parents, but not only are there some practical barriers to that, this would be strictly and only if this was what you wanted to do and it was your choice.
And never mind that $1000 a month is a LOT for someone who works retail.
Was he actually expecting you to drop out of school, or was his fantasy expectation that you could easily continue your studies while across the country and working full time?
And honestly, why on earth would he think you should pay him for housing you’re not living in?
Does he own this townhome, or is he renting it and subletting? If he’s subletting rooms in a home he rents, he might need a relative on the premises if he isn’t there.
If he owns it, why the heck doesn’t, he just get another tenant? Or is he expecting you to manage it for him while you pay for the privilege?
The original idea might be a reasonable suggestion IF you liked Seattle and weren’t in school.
But a suggestion, not a command performance. And ‘because I don’t want to’ is a perfectly reasonable answer, particularly for what is a life-changing decision.
He’s a grown-up, he needs to figure out how to manage his own affairs.
If he wants to go to California and get a Ph.D. and keep a home in Seattle at the same time, he has to come up with a strategy that works without co-opting unwilling relatives.” pdeb22
5. AITJ For Thinking My Coworker Was Joking?
“I work in an industry that deals with one particularly dangerous gas. Hydrogen sulfide. Small concentrations of it can harm you, and slightly larger concentrations will end you.
We have to take courses on how to respond to a leak. Basically, get out.
One of the guys I work with said he had heard a different response. He said that he would choke himself out.
That way he would not inhale any gas and the rescue team could revive him. I swear I thought he was joking so I laughed. Then a few other people laughed. Even the instructor.
He came up to me and said I made him feel stupid. He said that I could have just told him privately instead of being a jerk and embarrassing him. He is a young guy just starting out and his brother played a joke on him by telling him that option.
I worked with his brother and can totally imagine him playing a joke on an 18-year-old kid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it might not have been tactful, your reaction is completely understandable.
When dealing with safety hazards like these there’s no wiggle room for stupidity like this. Hopefully, he’ll remember the moment of shame and use it to motivate himself to work safely in the future.” Leadfoot_Fred
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if no one laughed, the young guy would still have been publicly called out on this.
There is no way that a responsible instructor would have waited to tell him that this was a wrong response.
The concept needed to be shut down immediately. If they waited to address this privately, some other trainee who heard the idea might think it was a good one, and act on it.
Laughing was not tactful, but it wasn’t deliberate, either. More of a startle response.
If anything, the details need to be brought to the attention of the instructor, especially the part about the older brother giving him the idea.
If the older brother is going to go around advising other employees to follow dangerous practices, that makes the entire workplace less safe.
And the older brother needs to face consequences to shut that trouble-making down before someone is actually hurt by his not-funny ‘jokes’.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because I would’ve thought it was a joke too, especially because that is kind of my sarcastic sense of humor. If during a workplace safety meeting where the instructor asked everyone what to do if they cut off a part of their finger if someone answered ‘finish the job,’ I would double over in laughter since I wouldn’t doubt for a second that they were joking.” Leadfoot_Fred
4. AITJ For Wanting To Move Because My Landlord Doesn't Communicate With Me?
“My partner and I moved into a camper a while ago. There is no official lease the landlord basically just wrote things out on a piece of paper, and there wasn’t a lease term specified.
The first month and security deposit I paid, with my partner paying me back a third of it way later in the month. I also paid the next month’s rent as well, I let him be rent-free because he’s helping me with my car.
I’m a software developer and he works part-time at a gas station, so I don’t mind paying the majority.
This is fine, but the landlord will not communicate with me at all.
Asking for rent and how it’ll be dropped off, house repairs, setting up the internet, etc., are all conversations between her and my partner that I’m not a part of.
She has a couple of other tenants some of whom are family and they won’t really talk to me either.
The guy helping set up the internet also only spoke to my partner. The landlord and family/other tenant were moving things around today with my partner’s help which I was not notified of at all, I asked several times if they wanted me to help and they were just like ‘no.’
So honestly it feels a little crappy on top of not being in contact with my landlord. I want to move out, honestly, the camper is overpriced and I’ve found a single-family home rental for less.
There isn’t really a legal contract keeping me here.
My partner says I’m overreacting and not trying hard enough to make people want to talk to me. I’ve been polite to everyone I’m just a little quieter.
Would I be a jerk to make my partner move again and up and leave on my landlord?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and move out NOW. This whole situation is super shady and it’s putting you at legal and financial risk.
Not to mention that you are effectively legally homeless right now and the longer that lasts, the worse it can get for you when it comes to things like getting approval for your next rental. No contract means you also have no protection and even no proof that you live here (there are some squatter’s rights things about getting your mail posted to an address but most legit landlords don’t like renting to people who were squatters), and your landlord could literally turf you out any time.
Please tell me you at least paid by bank transfer to her account so you have evidence you were paying rent.
You don’t have a landlord. A landlord has a legal contract, and if she didn’t want you to up and leave without notice, she would have provided you with a contract to that effect.
You owe this disrespectful woman less than nothing and definitely should not stay in a frankly worrying situation for her benefit.
As for your freeloader – sorry, partner – if he wants a say in where he lives rent-free, he needs to step up and pay the bills.
You can get a mechanic and a rabbit to do everything he does for you, he would be incredibly lucky to ever get anyone who does for him what you do, so use your power to get both of you into a safe and more pleasant environment.
And maybe consider the mechanic-and-rabbit option because your partner is a list of red flags, including that he is helping this woman to pretend you don’t exist.” Necessary-Bison-4315
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your feelings are valid, but your partner has no bad feelings about the place, so he doesn’t quite understand where you are coming from. I think from a financial standpoint alone, landlord and other tenants completely out of the equation, you have a valid reason for wanting to move.
I do think, however, you may encounter the same problem when you move to another spot and people come to work on the house or set stuff up. A lot of people forgot how sexist a lot of ‘mundane’ or ‘normal’ treatment/assumptions of homeowners may be, as they’ve been doing it that way since they started in the field.
This is not to make excuses for them… It’s just the sad way some things are. I would say though, I hope in time, things will change.” OftConfused4Another
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First of all, don’t live in a place where you have no legal contract or paperwork. Something written on a piece of paper has zero value.
Secondly move to a single-family home accommodation, since you are the one paying the rent your comfort is the primary point.
Like others have said your partner can continue staying in the camper if he’s so comfortable there.
Last bit, you feel isolated by others because the camper basically forces you into a social interaction scenario.
Since you are a shy person, this might not be good for your own mental health in the long term. A home would give you the opportunity to meet people on your own terms.” ProfileElectronic
3. AITJ For Not Insisting My Daughter To Be Friends With Another Girl?
“Almost 20 years ago Kate (f47) & I (f39) met and became friends. Kate was very outgoing and we meshed well. A few years later, our first daughters were born. (I had 1 more, she didn’t.) From the get-go, Kate was very protective of her daughter Clara’s environment; the foods consumed, perfect clothes, and shows had to be pre-screened by Kate.
I was laxer but we got along well. I just saw her as protective.
At 3 yrs, we enrolled Elle (my daughter) in pre-k, and Kate decided to homeschool Clara. No judgment. I hoped they’d join homeschool groups so Clara could be around other kids, but Kate would join for a time, then say she’d seen something objectionable, didn’t like the curriculum, thought kids were a bad influence, etc.
Also, Kate wouldn’t allow Clara to play with certain popular toys or watch movies (ie: Frozen). Kate’s vibe was always like she’s not judging you, but very I know, I know, I’m one of those crazy moms.
Clara was a bright & social child and we loved interacting with her. But as she grew, Kate was so strict, and things escalated in this manner through elem and middle school, and we saw them less, and finally not at all.
Kate and I remained social media friends.
Girls are now in 10th grade. Elle is shy but has a group of nice friends with whom we allow her to have regular fun, teenage activities: movies, sleepovers, shopping, and sports.
Kate is active on social media, so I’ve kept up w/ 99% of her life, and seen Clara continue to be home-schooled solo, without participation in peer groups. Kate documents everything: meals, school lessons, and many luxe trips.
But I haven’t seen a single photo where Clara was with other kids or friends. Or away from her mom.
Recently, out of the blue, Kate began texting me, ‘We should get the girls together!’ At first, I was surprised, but I wondered if Clara is tired of having her mom as her only friend.
And if Kate determined Elle a ‘suitable enough’ option.
I was nice but didn’t engage, and soon, she was sending exact dates/times, to which I replied that we are unavailable. (to be honest, we are busy.)
When I told my husband what was going on, he said I’m being a jerk to Kate and cruel to Clara. He suggested I meet Kate regularly and bring Elle along so that Clara can have some social time.
But I’m torn: I don’t think it’s fair to make Elle responsible for being Clara’s only friend. My daughter is a kind girl and would hang out with Clara if I asked, but the fact is, she has her own friends and life.
It’s unlikely Kate would allow Clara and Elle to hang out alone and I don’t want to create an awkward situation where my 15-year-old has to tiptoe around every normal teenage thing so that Clara doesn’t feel bad.
Not to mention, I’d have to be there w/ Kate and we’re not really close anymore.
(by the way, Kate’s husband is a successful surgeon and works insane hours. Kate uses this income to ‘distract’ Clara from her prison.)
The whole thing seems sad and futile, and we’ve moved on.
AITJ for not making my daughter a friend to Clara?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can only do what’s right for your family.
However, you could ask Elle how she feels about it as it could be life-changing for Clara. If Elle would like to meet her, be clear with Kate that this is about the girls having an outing together, not about being chaperoned. How about something like ‘Hi Kate, great idea for the girls to go off and do something together, I’m dropping Elle off at the mall /salon/wherever on Saturday, if you want to drop Clara off there also or I can swing by and pick her up just let me know and one of us can go and pick them up later’.
That way, it’s clear what it’s about and if Kate isn’t happy with that, then she’ll have to accept it’s her choice to deny her daughter. Just be clear that you believe 15-year-olds need some freedom.
But again, if you don’t want to it doesn’t make you the jerk, Kate’s failing to enable Clara to have normal friendships is not your responsibility.” MotherEastern3051
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I do think you need to talk to your husband properly about the matter, you know how your friend’s parents but he most likely doesn’t know the full depth of it.
You also have to keep in mind that if you do agree to the play dates, you may be setting your daughter up for the same level of control as Clara, your friend wants the perfect friend for her daughter and you said it yourself – your daughter and Clara lead different lives and they’re vastly incompatible to the point where they wouldn’t have anything in common at all and would not be able to form a proper friendship.
And Kate may be crazy enough to try and enforce her own rules, especially when she said, ‘Elle would be suitable enough’ that sentence alone is a neon red flag.
Another factor is that you and Kate have been estranged for years and your daughters as well, your girls are pretty much strangers now and it would be odd to set up a play date with someone your kid doesn’t even know anymore and probably hasn’t thought of in a long time.” crocodilezebramilk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Don’t dump her though. Kate needs a friend as much as Clara does, so both of you should give it a try. Socializing Kate will socialize with Clara.
Kate is driven by fear, which then drives her to extreme control over her daughter. Maybe she has an anxiety disorder and hid it really well. Maybe Clara has been on the internet behind her mother’s back and is a little better socialized than you think, and she and Elle will hit it off.
Maybe Kate has realized that college is in two years, and she’s going to have to let go of the death grip she has on her kid, and she’s trying to reach out for help with that for both her and Elle.
Give it a try. Definitely let Elle know in advance the whole story you just told us, with the strict instruction not to tell any of it to Clara. It sounds like Elle is a great kid and she’ll be okay with giving Clara a chance to be a friend.” Viola-Swamp
2. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Delete Her Pregnancy Announcement?
“My (26M) wife (24F) and I are expecting our first baby. As of right now, my wife is 19 weeks along, and we put off announcing it to our extended family and friends on social media until we hit the halfway point at 20 weeks.
We did, however, tell our parents and our siblings on both sides.
My sister (34F) Anna and her husband have been trying for a baby for a few years now, and since she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been on medications for it, it’s been tough for her to conceive.
Anyway, yesterday, Anna announced on social media that she is expecting and that she’s about 12 weeks along.
I called her to congratulate her and get more details and our conversation did not go well.
Her answers to my questions didn’t all make sense, and she mentioned having passed her glucose tolerance test which doesn’t happen until around 24 weeks of pregnancy. I know because my wife had scheduled hers already.
When I told her that, she called me dumb and said I didn’t know what I was talking about; why was I interrogating her; can’t I just be happy for her… then she hung up.
My BIL called later last night and told me that Anna isn’t really pregnant and that she was just completely devastated that I was having a baby and she wasn’t and this is how she was dealing with and processing my wife’s pregnancy.
He said he would tell her to take down the post.
Today, Anna called me and told me she won’t take the pregnancy announcement down because of the attention she received from it and how it made her feel good.
She told me to make our announcement and then she would announce that she lost her baby a week later. I asked why go through with all the lies rather than just take it down and move on from it.
She said, ‘Because I’m bipolar, I might not have a baby and it’s not fair to me. Stop being so narcissistic and just let me have some of the spotlight that I deserve but probably will never have.’ I got upset and told her she needs to take it down and talk about this with her therapist to better process everything and she continued to yell at me, call me names, and she cursed my unborn baby, saying she hopes my wife loses it.
I hung up.
My parents are texting me saying that I should’ve just let her continue this façade her way because she’s bipolar, but I can’t just allow her to be this way.
I feel like she’s using her diagnosis as an excuse to pull off a big lie such as this. But should I have let her? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think it would be helpful to figure out which battles are worth fighting.
Her using your wife’s ultrasound photo in her post needs to be addressed because it violates your wife’s privacy. You should report the post to whatever platform your sister posted it on.
But otherwise, I would take yourself out of the drama when it comes to her posting fake announcements about herself. You’re right, she shouldn’t be lying to herself or others, but you telling her that or confronting her is clearly not going to fix the issue.
Your sister has a husband to support her and address her posting false information about their failed pregnancy. Try your best to ignore the behavior and be there for your wife.” photosbeersandteach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, report the picture to be taken down or at least leave a comment stating how sad you are that she’s stooped so low as to post someone else’s child as her own and is lying about a pregnancy, that validation from social media is no substitute for therapy and medication.
I’d go no contact with your sister. Her mental health issues don’t need to be your problem, you don’t need this in your life, your wife definitely doesn’t need it in her life and your future child doesn’t need her either.
Sad to say but it’s probably for the best that she won’t be able to have children, a mentally/ emotionally unstable mother isn’t good for anyone.” Substantial-Ad6622
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Obviously, your sister is unbalanced and needs to be having some intensive therapy and a medication review – this is a pretty evident manic escalation so be prepared for the crash.
You’ve just got to be the bigger person and let’s be realistic, a social media pregnancy announcement is not exactly important in the whole scheme of things. It is evident that you are going to need to have some very safe procedures in place for when the baby is born to minimize your sisters’ contact and ensure she is never alone with the child.
If your announcement at 3 months creates negative backlash due to your sister’s failed pregnancy, that is where you respond with ‘and if my sister had a failed pregnancy I would never make an insensitive announcement like this weeks later’ to defend yourself.
Overwise take the high road.” ProcrastinationHour
1. AITJ For Taking My Brother's Computer?
“My brother (15M – I’ll call him Jack) and I (26F) lost our mom unexpectedly two months ago. As stated in mom’s will, I became responsible for Jack. We have been living together since she passed.
Shortly before mom passed, Jack got invested in a video game. One of the last things mom and I talked about was how serious he was getting about it. At the time, I was not worried because he was still doing homework, seeing friends, etc. Just spending hours playing a game didn’t seem too bad to me.
In the past 2 weeks, Jack has been spending anywhere from 6-8 hours a day playing the game. He hates showering, sleeping, and eating because it is time spent away. He has not been doing homework or seeing friends, no matter how much I push him.
We have been fighting about it nonstop.
I leave for work before Jack needs to go to school. His responsibility is to get on the bus himself and get himself ready to go, we mutually agreed upon this.
I have had no reason to not believe he is doing it, as I have not heard anything from him and he gets up before I leave, so I was confident he was getting himself to school.
I got an email on Friday from his principal letting me know that Jack has missed 3 days of school and has not been on time once in the last 3 weeks. We had a blowout fight about it and I learned he has been waking up early to play his game and keeps ‘getting distracted.’
I got so frustrated with him for lying to me and being so irresponsible over something so insignificant. I understand that he is grieving but I can’t just give him a pass for it.
I told him that he could earn back his computer if he wasn’t late to school for the rest of the semester. He got furious with me and started screaming at me. I went and locked up the computer in my bedroom.
Jack followed me around the rest of the day and just kept nagging me and fighting with me about it. I said I wasn’t going to fight with a child and he screamed at me, then locked himself in his room.
He told our grandparents, who called me insensitive and said if I didn’t give back the computer, they would buy him a new one. When I reached out to a parent friend about it, he reassured me and said I made the right choice, but word has gotten out through my family and everyone thinks I’m the jerk for taking away a grieving child’s source of comfort.
I told them he can get some comfort from friends and school, but he’s letting this game cloud all of that. My friends are sticking by me but I think that’s just because they’re my friends.
AITJ for taking away my brother’s computer?
Editing to add in: My brother sees a therapist weekly. His therapist does not allow us to discuss issues between us because she wants to go into their sessions blind.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
This is really difficult. You are suddenly thrust into the role of parent to your brother while you are also grieving and trying to go to work and keep your home together.
I’m really sorry.
But your brother is also not the jerk. He too is grieving and has gone from you being his brother, to you being his parent. It’s a difficult adjustment for him too.
I do understand your worry about him immersing himself in the game to the exclusion of everything else, including school. However, this is his way of coping with his feelings of grief.
I don’t believe that taking the computer away altogether is the best way to deal with this.
Can you make an agreement with him that when he gets home from school, after he’s done his homework then he can play his computer game until bedtime (or something like that) and that on the weekends he can have it as long as his chores are done?
There really does need to be some kind of compromise, because otherwise you are just being a dictator and not allowing him this outlet, and going forward you will have a much more difficult time raising him.
Additionally, is there any way for both of you to receive grief counseling/therapy? You have both had to make such a huge adjustment and I can imagine you are both hurting.
Your Friends are incorrect (in my honest opinion) because he can’t get his comfort from friends and school.
They don’t know what he’s going through.
Lastly, have a talk with your grandparents and ask them if they can help you parent your brother, rather than undermine you. Explain that you are trying to find your way in this, and would appreciate any help/support they can give you.
(in my honest opinion, they would be wrong to buy him a new computer).
Ultimately you and your brother need to work through this together so that you can have a good relationship, but you do need to lighten up on him, and give him a little slack.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and the parent friend has NEVER dealt with a teen going through depression. Hope a good friend tells him to contact someone to get him help because you are seriously setting him up to fail.
They can remove him and any other unfortunate kids from your home and get them help. Just because you have no feelings doesn’t mean he’s not allowed. Depression is a real thing even if your fake friend who hates him for no reason and is likely a poor excuse of a parent as well doesn’t think so.
Add teenage hormones and your brother is screwed. He should tell his grandparents they have great cause to remove him and get him help.” barlynn
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just two people who are really hurting.
You are under a lot of pressure and you doing your best. He is using the game as an escape and it’s gotten out of control but that’s understandable. Time spent away from the video game is time spent in a very painful reality.
Are you planning on keeping it away from him for the whole semester? That sounds unreasonable. Taking it away so he has to do homework etc is reasonable, but now is not the time for punishment or power struggles.
At 15, it’s probably too late for him to really see you as a parental figure, and he will lash out if he feels like you are trying. He’s had to grow up so much in the last 2 months that he probably doesn’t feel much like a kid anymore.
He really, definitely, even if he says no, needs some counseling. You should probably get some too, not just for grief but for dealing with a major lifestyle adjustment. Best of luck to you both.” One_Trifle1191
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He is ignoring caring for himself – bathing, eating and sleeping. That wasn’t happening before. Those are signs of severe depression, but instead of addressing that or getting him some help, OP is more focused on punishing her brother.
The computer isn’t causing the issues. The game isn’t causing the issues. He needs help, not to be punished and yelled at and told that he’s a child who you ‘won’t fight with.'” Swirlyflurry
