People Ask Us To Vent Out Our Thoughts Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Changing My Halloween Costume?
“I (23F) have been in a rather healthy relationship for the past 4 years with my fiancé (25M). So surface-level things like appearance have never been a problem until now. I have a problem with my self-image, and I never dress to show skin.
Baggy T-shirts and sweatpants are my go-to.
Therapy has helped me through a lot of barriers regarding getting over not liking my body. This year for Halloween we are going on a bar crawl so I decided to step out of my contort zone and buy something that I normally wouldn’t wear.
The costume is renaissance based, so I have a long cream dress and a bodice that wraps around my waist, enhancing my chest area. I have never worn anything like this, so it’s a huge step!
Two days ago, my costume was delivered from Amazon, so naturally, I had to try it on to see if it looked fine and if all the pieces fit. For once, I thought I looked beautiful, like I could have been born during the era.
Relieved, I ran upstairs to my fiancé.
The look on his face was devastating to my self-esteem and what he said after completely caught me off guard. He told me that I looked like I was trying too hard and that I needed to cover up more if he was going to go out in public with me.
I cried and quickly left the room to change out of my costume. I didn’t understand, and I was very angry since this has never been a problem before.
After I had taken it off, my fiancé comes downstairs and presses that I return the costume and buy a new one.
Flabbergasted in disbelief, I immediately say no and that I would be wearing it Halloween night. After a couple of minutes of arguing I put my foot down and told him I was sticking with this costume if he didn’t like it then he didn’t have to join me on Halloween.
He stormed off mad and hasn’t really talked with me. So am I the jerk for refusing to change my Halloween costume?
Update: We had a talk, and everyone who said that he was threatened/insecure needs a cookie!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your body and a renaissance dress style dress still covers a fair amount of your body. It’s not like you’re looking to wear a g-string bikini (which you would be entitled to do but definitely would be out of place on a pub crawl).
Hold firm on this. You deserve to dress up and have fun. You may be dressed like a woman from that era, but this is 2022. Your partner is not entitled to dictate how you dress.
This is a red flag and something to watch. How does he react when you try and stretch yourself out of your comfort zone? A good partner will encourage you and want you to grow and be more confident in yourself.
Draw a line in the sand now and if he crosses it, be prepared to leave. I was with my ex for three and a bit years, but he resented me bettering myself and getting more education.
I loved him so much, but I realized he wanted me to hold back for him rather than keep pace with me. I’m now engaged to a man who supports me in my every decision and whose support has given me the confidence to pursue a Ph.D.
You deserve that kind of love. You deserve someone who is going to hype you up not knock you down.” OneSmolBean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I’m sorry but what kind of insecurities is your fiancé plagued with?
I’m assuming he knows about your confidence issues and how much work you’ve put in to enhance your confidence, and his reaction when you take a big step out of your comfort zone, feel beautiful doing so, and want to share that with him is shutting you down.
God no.
There are some people who prefer us when we are less secure and confident in ourselves, whether that is our appearance, our skills, or anything rlly. They like that lack of confidence either because it gives them control over you, or because it puts them in the role of the protector and the savior: when you’re in that place of insecurity, they can be the one to uplift you and reassure you, they feel needed and useful, but when you get that confidence from somewhere else, especially from yourself, they don’t like it because it means they lose that power.
I’m not saying that this is definitely what your fiancé is thinking, but that’s a thing you might want to reflect on, especially since his first reaction was to push you down and make you feel small by telling you that you’re ‘trying too hard’.
Besides, he has no say in what you wear, costume or not. If you’d chosen one of those super revealing and short Halloween costumes and felt confident in it, he’d have no say in whether you wear it or return it.” The_Death_Flower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First, and I can’t stress this enough, no one is allowed to offer an opinion on something you want to wear unless you ask. I assume that feeling beautiful, you went to him excited and with a smile on your face.
And he crushed it. That’s a big bag of red flags in and of itself. Even if he thought it privately looked awful (which he clearly didn’t as he said it made you look like you were trying too hard), it is cruel to say anything other than to echo your feelings.
Feeling beautiful is far more important than actually being beautiful, no one should cut you down when you feel amazing. He clearly wants to keep your self-esteem on the floor. That’s not a partner, that’s an emotionally abusive manipulator.
Second, no one is allowed to tell you what you can or can’t wear on your body. It is your body. The only time my husband dared to venture a quiet ‘You’re going to wear that to dinner?’ when I came out of the bathroom dressed for an evening out, I shut him down.
Immediately. ‘If I want to know your opinion on something, I’ll ask. Do you understand?’ That’s all it takes.
As for the relationship itself… there are men out there that go to bars and clubs and outings and look for the ‘wallflower’.
They seek out women who are quiet with self-esteem issues because those women are easier to subvert and control. Your therapy is to make you stronger. You see what he did is wrong. And you will find that the more confidence you exude, the more he will try to knock you back down.
So, I suggest as one former wallflower to another, that you find another man. One who loves you in your sweats or in a flowing gown with a bodice that makes your chest swell with pride.” Number_games
16. AITJ For Not Choosing Between My Divorced Parents?
“I (F 31) am graduating next year from a prestigious university. My dad (M 62) wants to bring his SO (F 55) of 9 years to my graduation, but my mum (F 60) has said she doesn’t want her there.
My mum is still single and has not had a partner since the divorce.
I have complicated relationships with both my parents. My dad has paid for my younger brother’s (M 28) and sister’s (F 24) entire education (medicine and vet med) but refused to pay for mine as it was in a humanities subject.
When I got offered the place at the university, he told me not to do it, as he felt I would never ‘make it’ in that field. Now that the opportunity has come up for him to attend my graduation and brag about my success, he is suddenly very interested in being involved and deciding who comes.
My mum is a narcissist who would consider my dad’s partner coming as a personal attack on her and would scold me for being disloyal to her. She would never put her own feelings aside for my graduation, and would likely drink too much and make snarky comments.
She has only met his partner once before, for exactly this reason.
My relationship with my dad’s partner is okay. She was mean towards me early on and has been rude to my younger sister who I am very protective of, which was hurtful as I had hoped for a closer relationship with her, but we have warmed to each other since.
My dad is insistent that his partner must come as she is ‘part of his family now’ and therefore by extension, a part of my family. He cried when I told him I didn’t know whether she could come.
I get two tickets for the actual ceremony (one of which I want to give to my SO, but then that means picking one parent to come to the ceremony), but my dad wants his partner at the graduation dinner and the rest of the day (it’s in a different country so would be a weekend away altogether – though we’d all stay in different accommodation).
I don’t honestly care who comes, I just don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt and I am navigating between two parents who both emotionally blackmail me to get their way.
Am I the jerk for telling them to decide between themselves who comes and who doesn’t, or should I make the decision?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you need to learn what is your problem and what is not. Your mom and dad having issues is not your problem.
If you want them to come, invite all of them.
If you don’t want your father’s partner to come because she has been mean to your sister, don’t invite her. If you are past that and do want her there, invite her.
Your mother needs to learn how to handle her problems and if she can’t, then she doesn’t have to go.
Childish and pathetic if you ask me. She can avoid them if she wants to and be there to congratulate you on your accomplishment.
As for your dad… if you’re bitter about his past treatment, don’t invite him.
If he has, over time, made it up to you, then invite him. If it makes you happy to see him there, invite him. That’s all you need to think about.” kpark1996
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Have you considered giving your partner and (just an idea) a close friend/a mentor/some rando you see at the local café the other ticket?
Let your parents know that since they valued their situation more than they valued attending your graduation, you’ve solved the problem by inviting someone else.
Your father, in particular, can get lost with his crocodile tears and his blatant favoritism towards your siblings while still expecting to play the supportive dad in public.
Both of them will find a reason to be hurt no matter what you do.
That’s not your problem or responsibility. Let them be hurt. You aren’t hurting them, they are choosing their own pain.” SnarkyBeanBroth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents have made your graduation and the celebration of your accomplishments all about them.
Each of them is saying their personal issues are more important than being there for you. What awful parents!
Give your extra ticket to one of your siblings or give it to one of your classmates who needs it.
If your parents can’t be there for you, they shouldn’t be there at all.
Then plan separate celebratory meals afterward. Make them take you out. If they can’t even buy you dinner after all of this, they don’t deserve to be in your life.
And have some strong conversations with both of them about what jerks they both are because this is just a preview for weddings to come, either yours or one of your siblings.
Congratulations on your degree, and best of luck in your career!” Cryptographer_Alone
15. AITJ For Leaving My Birthday Dinner Early?
“I (25M) turned 25 this past Monday. To celebrate, I planned to have dinner with my family, and then go out to a bar with friends. My Dad loves to cook, so I asked if he could just make something he knew I liked, I didn’t care what.
When I got to my parents’ house, I found my brother (23M) and his partner Nadia (22 F) had decided to cook for us instead. Okay, fine. And they’ve decided to cook dishes Nadia chose, instead of my favorites.
Alright, a bit annoying but whatever.
But then we sat down to eat and I actually tried the food. Every. Single. Dish. Was so incredibly spicy. My mouth was on fire, and the only thing that I could stand to eat was the rice.
Well, Nadia notices I’m basically not touching my food and asks me if everything’s alright, and I have to admit that it’s just far too spicy for me.
She looks embarrassed, so then my brother goes off on me, telling me I’m being incredibly rude, and they worked so hard on the meal. I gently reminded him that while I appreciate it, I didn’t ask them to cook for me.
And I certainly didn’t ask them to make food he knew I wouldn’t like. So then my mom starts off on me for fighting at the table, and my dad is scolding me for not appreciating a good meal.
Nadia looks like she was about to cry, so I tried to make a joke that ‘it looks amazing, I’m just too white for all this spice’. Welp, it didn’t work, cause my brother calls me a racist and starts shouting at me.
At that point, I figure dinners were ruined, and I wasn’t going to eat anyways, so I excused myself and went to the bar early.
My brother isn’t speaking to me and my parents have both asked that I apologize to him and Nadia.
But I think my brother owes me an apology for calling me a racist over spicy food. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this one angers me. A birthday dinner is about what the birthday guest wants, not what others want.
I wouldn’t be able to eat Nadia’s food either. My god, even Mild Salsa from Tostitos has a kick for me. Anything Indian – even if it’s mild – I have to have a glass of milk for.
I just can’t eat a lot of spicy stuff. I’ll cry and my stomach will hurt.
There’s a difference between not liking someone’s food and not being able to eat it.
If I were you, I would try to have a private conversation with Nadia alone to explain that it’s not about her cooking and you’re sure her food is perfectly fine, it just physically hurts you to eat spicy food and you’re sure it’s not her fault, maybe no one told her that you couldn’t eat spicy food.
Tell her she doesn’t need to be embarrassed and you aren’t mad at her.
But if you’re brother is being a jerk about it, I don’t know if you’d be able to get her alone to say anything truthfully.
If I was Nadia though, I would take it as a life lesson that not everyone can eat spicy foods, and then I would tell the brother and parents they overreacted and that they didn’t need to escalate things.
Because that’s some serious nonsense.” AltheaRayne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would have been in the same boat you are, I can’t eat spicy foods beyond a certain level (like, when restaurants ask what spice level you want, I usually tell them 3 or 4, unless it’s a place known for its spiciness, in which case 2), at least for the kinds of spices used in Latin American or Asian cooking; I can east horseradish and garlic all day.
Since it was your birthday, and you requested a kind of specific thing – any of your favorites the way your Dad cooks them – you should have at least been consulted about the change in plans in both who was cooking and what was being cooked.
It sounds like Nadia was lied to by your brother, she is completely NTJ as well, but your brother is an absolute jerk- if he hadn’t known about your spice intolerance, I would have given him a pass in that he tried to do something nice which failed spectacularly – and I’m on the fence about your parents, though between your mom yelling at you for fighting when your brother started it, and your dad scolding you, I’m leaning towards jerks for them too.
And if possible, reach out to Nadia individually, and let her know that you appreciated her work on the meal, and it was absolutely not her fault that she wasn’t told about your spice intolerance, and she has nothing to be embarrassed about.” NYCinPGH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you shouldn’t cook a meal for someone’s birthday if you don’t make them what they like. This wasn’t a dinner party you were invited to at their house, it was for you, and it should be catered to what you like.
When you say spicy – do you mean it was hot? As in it had chili peppers? What did she make like types of curry or stews? Because it’s true you get accustomed to it and for people not familiar with that food you really have to cut back or make separate batches.
I blame your brother and parents. They know you don’t eat spicy food, they know what you like, and they know it’s your birthday. It would be just as rude and selfish if they chose a restaurant that sold spicy cuisine when your fave was Italian or steak etc. People try and go to places they want and not the birthday person and that’s rude.” User
14. AITJ For Accusing My Friend Of Using Me To Have A Good Image?
“My friend Mer (30sF) had trouble making ends meet, so my friends and I (also 30s) have been covering her expenses for the last few months. She’s thankfully on a more sound financial footing now, and as a thank you, offered to take us all out to dinner.
We declined but she insisted and picked a really fancy restaurant. Because we didn’t want to burden her, we all stuck with water and opted to either split the main course between two people or ordered only an appetizer.
Mer on the other hand got an incredibly expensive bottle of wine, several appetizers, and the most expensive main course on the menu – none of which she shared beyond offering us a sip from her wine glass or a bite.
She even ordered several desserts for herself as well as another expensive bottle of dessert wine. All in all, the bill was over a grand.
I was coming out of the bathroom when Mer pulled me aside.
She was deeply apologetic as she’d left her wallet at home and asked if I could cover the bill and she’d pay me back the next day. We’ve been friends for over a decade and trust each other, so I agreed, and even went up to the waiter to pay for it away from our table so as to spare Mer the embarrassment since it was supposed to be her treat.
I’m incredibly uncomfortable when it comes to asking for funds so I waited a week. I then texted, asking if it would be possible for her to pay me back by the following week since if she pays me with a personal check it might take some time for my bank to clear it.
My husband and I had some major unexpected expenditures and so I needed the money as I didn’t want to dip into our emergency fund. She was incredibly apologetic as she called me later that day and swore she would.
Except she didn’t. I even resorted to emailing her when she no longer replied to my texts and ignored my calls.
Eventually, I resorted to sending her a message in our group chat with all of our friends as she was still replying there, and since I was angry, accused her of basically using me to buy herself a lavish meal and to make herself look good in front of our friends.
Everyone was surprised as they hadn’t known I was the one who covered the cost of the meal, and they were upset with Mer for misleading them all and for ignoring me and not paying me back.
Mer finally paid me, but she accused me of purposefully embarrassing her and making everyone turn against her. I didn’t think I was out of line, but one of our friends thought maybe she couldn’t afford to pay the bill and felt embarrassed, and that I could’ve gone by her place to personally speak to her first before blasting her in our GC.
I know what it feels like to be the poor friend and not wanting to be indebted, and so now I’m beginning to second guess my behavior. I also definitely could’ve refrained from accusing her of taking advantage of me and just asked her to pay me back.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are so NTJ.
You phoned, texted, and emailed about the money, and she blocked or ignored you.
Going to Mer’s house likely would have only given her ammo to use against you; she’d have played the victim to your friends.
‘OP couldn’t phone/text. She had to knock on my door over a little misunderstanding.’ You’d have been painted as the villain.
Putting it on the group chat was the smartest move; she had no way to back out of paying you without embarrassing herself.
Mer likely didn’t forget her wallet; you don’t blow over a grand on a meal without making certain you have the wherewithal to pay for it. If you told her that you couldn’t loan her the funds, take bets she had a similar tale of woe to tell another one of your group.
You just happened to be her first mark.” Arsenic_and_Cookies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You couldn’t have embarrassed her if she hadn’t done something embarrassing.
She had no plans on paying that night – why do you think she went all out?
She was counting on you not saying anything and letting it go because she’s known you long enough that she knows that you don’t like asking people for funds. She used this to manipulate you into paying for dinner and treated herself on your dime.
She didn’t forget her wallet – and most places now take Apple Pay (yes even the fancy ones) so it shouldn’t have mattered. She could have offered to Venmo you the $ right then and there for the cost of the meal. She didn’t.
She planned from the beginning to have you pay for it all and counted on your discomfort with asking for funds to not have to repay you.
So yeah. NTJ, but you might seriously want to take a look back at your friendship – I bet it’s not the first time she’s been manipulative.” AnnaBananner82
Another User Comments:
“Situations like this are why shame is so important to humans as a society. People will do anything they can get away with sometimes, and sometimes shame is the only thing that will force them to reflect and change, even if they don’t want to, simply so they can get recognition from their peers and family back to a good level.
I guarantee if OP hadn’t said anything, Mer would’ve eventually stopped responding to her altogether and found a way to never be in the same place at the same time so she could avoid paying her back.
But BOOM, a bit of shame in a group chat with all her friends, and all of a sudden she can pay in full. Weird right? Also how weird is it that she gets the most expensive menu items she can in bulk, and then MYSTERIOUSLY her wallet has been forgotten at home?
Almost like she planned this out or something.
NTJ, OP.” Chadderific
13. AITJ For Not Making My Own Cream Cheese?
“I (26F) work at a retail store. We’re all 25-30, except for the front manager (19M), Brad, who is a baker, and I know because he went to high school with my little brother.
I do a little baking and a little cooking. I’m a better chef, and the only baked goods I can really do are croissants, a special type of bread my Nona taught me, and cheesecakes.
Cheesecake is literally the only dessert I can make well.
Brad and I talk a lot about cooking/baking. Brad has started bringing some of his creations to work since a lot of times others bring snacks.
I have yet to do this because 1) I don’t eat anything anyone else brings and 2) I make $12 an hour there and I’m working two full-time jobs. Besides Brad, these people aren’t my friends.
I’m not going to spend my coins on them.
My store manager Jack (30M) has made a few comments, but never pushed it since he’s even said we don’t get paid much.
Recently though, I mentioned to Brad I was making a pumpkin cheesecake for my other coworkers and I got guilted into making one for my retail job.
So, I made it, and I brought it in this morning.
Everyone was talking about how good it looked/smelled and how they couldn’t wait for break time to try it. On the register (three registers are connected so Brad, me and one other coworker were all standing by each other), Brad asked about what kind of pie crust I used, and I told him that I made it from scratch, like I usually do.
He mentioned that he makes his cream cheese from scratch but can’t make crusts that seem to not get hard. I laughed and said that we’re the opposite.
Jack heard and came unglued. He started saying I was lying about making it from scratch (I never said that except about the crust), I just wanted the prestige of baking without the work, and even called me lazy.
So I told him ‘okay’, went back to the break room, took my cake, and put it in my lunch box since that has freezer packs, and put it in my car. Jack was screaming the whole time, but when I came in, I reminded him I’m entitled to two 15-minute paid breaks.
That was one of them.
Now my coworkers are upset because I’m not feeding them, and several are saying they assumed I made everything. Bakers often use premade ingredients, and I only had one day to make this because I was guilted. I didn’t want to in the first place!
I feel like if I’m doing them a favor, they should shut up and be happy. Brad is the only one who agrees because he says he often uses premade components. AITJ?
Edit: people were agreeing with him as he was saying it before I took the cake out.
If it was just him, I’d have probably just left it and not brought anything else again. Also, Brad and I are the only two who bring in things we actually make. Everyone else brings in the store-bought stuff.
I don’t care though because I don’t eat it. There’s nothing wrong with store-bought snacks
Edit 2: I’m just waiting to be able to quit this job. My first job after training I should get a raise where I can just work that one.
HR is garbage. Jack is usually nice to me but apparently, he has some ‘issues’ with our regional manager and acts out after they talk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That man is 30 years old and finds it appropriate to demean his employee in front of other employees about the amount of work you put into a cake YOU paid for and made as a result of HIS pressure to do so?
No. You take that straight to HR or his boss or whoever you can who is over him. You tell them he inappropriately pressured you to make this cake, that you were forced to pay for it yourself and make it on your own time (and cheesecakes aren’t cheap and they take time).
Then you say he publicly shamed you and your other coworkers chimed in. You tell them you feel it’s a hostile work environment, that you feel attacked and berated for a kindness you performed that you should not have been asked to do in the first place.
I just can’t even with these people. I have made cream cheese once in my life, it was creole cream cheese which I cannot buy locally, and it took days. The audacity is on sale.
Demand an expensive dessert then criticize the amount of effort that went into it. No, sir. No. That’s not acceptable from a 5-year-old, it’s DEFINITELY not acceptable from a grown man.” Number_games
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – You brought food. One idiot complained because it wasn’t to his standard. (Free food is free food whether it is homemade or store-bought). He not only complained, but he also became unglued and berated you.
You responded by taking the food from everyone.
Somehow the group of you turned free food into a big fight. Obviously a whole lot of jerks there.” fuzzy_mic
Another User Comments:
“I was thinking a very slight YTJ for denying cheesecake to the people who weren’t jerks, but overall, I think they should be mad at Jack, not you.
I have never heard of expecting people to make cream cheese. Cheesecakes are made with Philadelphia brand cream cheese. Specifically. Not homemade, not store brand (even if it is identical). Philadelphia cream cheese specifically.
Okay, I am being deliberately over the top and silly and don’t ACTUALLY believe that, but it would never even occur to me that someone made their own cream cheese, or sour cream if they said they made their own cheesecake.
Nor did they soak their vanilla extract, or, if they did soak their vanilla beans, that they distilled and aged the bourbon it was distilled in. Or vodka if it was the pure flavor.
I wouldn’t assume they grew their own pumpkins if it was pumpkin cheesecake.
I wouldn’t assume they baked the pumpkin themselves instead of using canned – canned pumpkin is as good or better than fresh-baked-and-blended for baking.
NTJ. Even if I feel a little bad for your non-jerk cheesecake-less coworkers.” IanDOsmond
If your coworkers wanted you to feed them I would buy the cheapest packet mix from the supermarket and bake a basic cake. But you aren't even obligated to do that.
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Hairstyle?
“I (27M) have been with my (28F) SO for 8 months now. I have locs that I have been growing for about 8 years, and since she has known me I have kept my locs in 2 or three loc twists.
I typically only take them out of the twists maybe a week or two before I get my hair done again. So the other night we were talking otp and she asked ‘Hey I’m thinking about you doing your loc style differently.
If I look up some suggestions would you consider them?’ I simply replied ‘No’.
She then began to lash out and say, ‘well I don’t like your hairstyle.’ My reply: ‘well I’ve had this style for my locs since you met me.’
She then said it was mean for me to just say no to her suggestions, and that I can do that for other people but I should make an exception for her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’. While she worded her request kind of bossily, in the end, she only asked if you would consider it (though she should have respected your no regardless). But I think you were very dismissive in your ‘no’ when it would cost you nothing to simply look at her suggestions before letting her know that you prefer your current style.
Who knows, she might even have suggested something you liked better.
In the end, it is your decision, but a relationship requires other considerations. Simply considering her suggestions before saying no would have made her opinion feel validated rather than dismissed.” ToastedTriscuit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have had your locs for a long time and I am sure they feel like part of your identity at this point. At least you were honest with her instead of pretending you would consider it when you want to keep your hair in locs.
You had them when she met you and could have chosen not to date you if she felt that strongly about it.” Aggravating-Humor-63
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, just a little bit. She should definitely respect that it’s your hair and you do it how you want but flat saying ‘no’ to someone asking if they can make a suggestion is slightly aggressive.
Maybe you could have said, ‘thanks for offering but to really like my hair the way it is’. The rest of the conversation could have gone a bit smoother after.” GRewind
11. AITJ For Not Sacrificing My Travel Fund To Pay For My Granddaughter's Ice Skating Lessons?
“I (f59) have my own child, my son, who is married to Jinger (f34).
They have one child together, my beloved granddaughter, Emma (f14).
I’m not extremely wealthy, but I’m also not struggling for money. With careful budgeting, I have enough funds to live off, save for bigger things, and pay for something for Emma.
But I’m far from being able to afford anything I want.
Emma is a smart girl, she’s not very into sports (except for swimming) and she’s really into languages. Because of that, I’m paying for her gym membership (so she can go swimming whenever she wants to) and her language classes (she’s studying 3 languages, it was her decision, not mine).
I also take her shopping occasionally, and once she’s gotten older, she’s been going on holiday with me every year. This summer we went traveling to South America for 2 months, and I’m currently saving so we can go traveling to Asia next summer.
Emma is a very good girl, and I absolutely love spending time with her (hopefully, it’s mutual, I haven’t heard otherwise from her).
Emma’s mother and I don’t get along, but we are never openly hostile.
Emma has a lot of issues with her mother but I made a point of never badmouthing her mother to her, I will listen to Emma and offer support but try J out to undermine Jinger’s authority.
The other day, Jinger visited me without prior notice. She told me all about ice skating lessons (Emma never skated nor has she ever mentioned wanting to skate) and asked me to pay for Emma’s lessons.
I told her I’ll think about this and spoke to Emma. Emma doesn’t want to ice skate, it’s all Jinger’s unfulfilled dreams, and apparently is fashionable to do expensive sports amongst Jinger’s friends.
Knowing that Emma doesn’t want to do this, I told Jinger that I will not be paying for lessons. Jinger pushed further, and I asked how much they were. Let me tell you, they were expensive with everything included. I said it was way too much, and I couldn’t afford it.
She told me to drop the traveling fund, it’s useless and only lasts a bit, but Emma will like her lessons. She said I’m too old to enjoy travel and Emma is too young.
I told her that I spoke with Emma and she doesn’t want to do those lessons. Jinger got really angry and told me never to go behind her back, that it was a surprise for Emma and I ruined it.
She called me a jerk and threatened to not allow Emma to visit me any further, and it’s crazy that Emma has got her own room at my house. She called me names, and I kicked her out of my house.
Later that day, my son called and was really angry with me and that I should just pay for the lessons. I tried explaining to him what’s happened but he wouldn’t listen.
Emma called me later crying, saying that her mother forbade her from coming over the weekend to stay with me.
I’m at a loss, was I really in the wrong? I’d hate to not be able to see Emma and I couldn’t forgive myself if I’m the reason she’s not allowed to see me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jinger trying to blackmail you into paying for ice skating by not allowing Emma to spend time with you is disgusting. Neither Jinger nor your son is entitled to tell you how to spend your money, they are really being selfish, thinking they get to decide how you spend your money.
They are not only hurting you but also hurting Emma. I would not pay for ice skating. If Jinger gets what she wants this time, she will be emboldened to keep holding Emma over your head in order to get her way in the future.
Jinger saying you’re too old to travel is an ignorant and ageist comment, my grandmother took vacations up until her early 80s, and she enjoyed it every time. Some of my best memories were getting to go on vacation with her as a kid.
It’s been decades, but I will always fondly remember vacations with my grandmother. Keep your vacation fund, you are giving Emma precious memories that she will carry with her for the rest of her life.” chelsea8794
Another User Comments:
“Oh so VERY NTJ!
First of all, your son and DIL should thank their lucky stars that you do as much as you do for Emma! You are under NO obligation to do any of that, although I do understand it’s what you want to do for her because you love her.
It is NOBODY’s business how you spend your money. Full stop. and for Jinger to tell you that you need to forget the travel fund because you’re too old and Emma is too young made me laugh.
Apparently, Emma wasn’t too young last year when you took her traveling.
Additionally, for your son to tell you that you need to ‘just pay for the ice skating lessons’ is absolutely ludicrous.
If this was a surprise for Emma, then Jinger should have told you that upfront so you would know not to mention it to Emma.
If they want ice skating lessons for Emma, then they can pay for them.
Lastly, to keep Emma from you because you won’t pay for the lessons is VERY VERY bad on their part.
You are not wrong AT ALL, in any of this.
I don’t know what to suggest to fix this other than to say to give it time. It will be difficult for both you and Emma in the meantime, but setting clear boundaries with your son and DIL is important because this year it’s ice skating lessons, but what will it be next year?
(and ice skating isn’t cheap as an ongoing sport).
Sending you tons of hugs!” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a wonderful and incredibly generous grandmother – gym membership, vacations, language classes – please don’t let your son and his wife manipulate and blackmail mail you into extras and dictate just how you should spend your income – they are a bunch of grifters who obviously rely on you to provide for your granddaughter what they cannot.
However, all of these things are wants and not needs and I can’t believe Jinger isn’t remotely appreciative of what you are already doing for Emma. Your son is also a jerk.
If you have a will, I would seriously consider writing them out of it!
Do not give in to their demands – first, it will be figure skating, then it will be equestrian lessons (yeah, I’ve done both crazy expensive), then it will be her out-of-state college tuition… see where I’m going with this?
And don’t give in to see Emma; her mother is already holding her hostage and any interactions now and going forward between you and Emma are likely to be monitored (and Emma groomed to ask for things) even if Jinger were to get her way.
You can maintain your connection with your granddaughter by all the things you are already doing for her, but you gotta keep away from your son and his wife so they know they can’t walk all over you.
Good luck and stay firm, Grandma!” Electronic-Guess-601
10. AITJ For Not Attending My Aunt's Family Party?
“I’m a kleptomaniac. I’ve been in trouble with the police before because of it about a year ago, and my aunt was really ashamed of that as I was stealing things from her and that’s how I got caught.
Nothing really happened past the police visit though which is why she’s still cautious.
So, I (17M) and my siblings (11 and 13 F) weren’t allowed at our aunt’s (32F) wedding as it was a kids-free wedding and I’m still 17.
But then I found out my cousin, who is 16, was there so I asked my mum about it and she ended up telling me the truth about why I wasn’t allowed, which is for my stealing.
(My younger siblings still weren’t allowed but the wedding was +15). She said she didn’t want to run the risk of anything kicking off, especially since she had her wedding in a fancy venue.
This is understandable I just don’t see why she would lie to me about it which is what I’m upset about. I told my mum I was upset about this, which will be relevant soon.
She was having a small family party the day after but I was still mad at her lying so I said to my mum that I wasn’t gonna go, since that’s how I felt about her lying.
She didn’t force me, and she and my siblings went instead and I thought that would be the end of it. But nope, got a call from my aunt while she was very wasted asking me where I was.
She said she missed me and that I shouldn’t care about the wedding because it didn’t matter anyway (I assume my mum told her). She also said that it was for my own good that I wasn’t invited to the wedding, but I told her that it was for her own good that I wasn’t there.
She hung up on me for that and then the next day, which is today, my mum has been giving me the silent treatment so I think I definitely went too far.
AITJ? I wouldn’t be mad if she didn’t lie because I know my issue is a problem, and it especially has been in the past for her, but I don’t see why she can’t just be honest with me.
We’ve talked about kleptomania before so it’s not exactly taboo.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You are allowed to be upset that you were lied to. It is okay to want people to be honest when they interact with you.
Your aunt is allowed to keep a known thief who targets her out of her wedding. Having you there would have been an unnecessary stressor and would have ruined her enjoyment of the day. Ergo, you were not invited. She didn’t want to bring up the past or potentially trigger you, so she just said it was child-free, which isn’t even a full lie since there was an age limit for kids, and young ones legitimately were not invited.” sparrowhawk75
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I mean, you seem to think being a kleptomaniac is just fine and dandy. It’s not. I hope you are in therapy and getting medication to help control your urges. Certainly, if your behavior continues I hope you will face some steeper consequences than missing a wedding.
As to the issue, you think is front and center here (it’s not, but whatever), why would you be surprised that someone you stole from doesn’t want you around at her wedding in a swanky venue?
Based on past behavior, she’s worried you’ll steal from guests or the venue and she would then be liable and horribly embarrassed. You getting angry at her for having that sensibility is ridiculous and super self-centered, which I suppose is par for the course.
You’re mad because the person you stole from lied about why she excluded you from the wedding. Boo Hoo! She was trying to be polite to a family member who ripped her off. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom asked her to lie to you about it so that you wouldn’t be hurt.
It seems far too many people in your life are coddling you about your “condition” instead of holding you accountable for it.” The-Answer-Is-57
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You and your aunt have both had honest conversations about your kleptomania in the past, so you’re feeling confused and hurt as to why she made a departure from that behavior for this one event.
You are acknowledging that your kleptomania is a problem, and you say you wouldn’t be upset if you were told that it was the reason you couldn’t go to your aunt’s wedding. That your hurt comes from her not being honest with you as she has been in the past about the consequences and realities of your kleptomania in the relationship.
I’m taking that on faith here in this judgment.
The thing that you need to understand is that having those honest, vulnerable conversations with you is almost certainly hard on your aunt. She clearly loves you very much, and it sounds like it hurts her badly both that you have broken her trust and that she is forced to keep you at somewhat of an arm’s length as a result of your actions.
Weddings are a big deal to many people. They put immense time, energy, and money into making them perfect experiences.
Often there is very little emotional capacity left for difficult conversations. This is why it’s common etiquette to keep family drama far away from a wedding and why brides and grooms are often so much more reactive to stress than they would otherwise be during the planning and event itself.
I suspect your aunt knew her own limits and knew that as much as you would be open to hearing, ‘I love you, but I cannot trust you at my wedding so I cannot invite you’, she simply could not bring herself to say it.
So she took the path of the white lie. This may not be ideal, but it’s not jerk behavior, and your aunt still clearly loves you and values you, and wants your presence very much.
That said, now that you know the choice she made, you’re allowed to be hurt by it. You HAVE made yourself open and accountable to the necessary conversations to rebuild trust as best you can.
She needed to sidestep that at this moment, and while that’s her right, it’s equally your right to feel hurt by the choice. You didn’t say anything directly to her initially, just took some space in the immediate aftermath of your discovery which is perfectly appropriate and a good way to try and process your feelings.
Unfortunately, she found out and called while in her cups which is never the appropriate time to have important or vulnerable conversations. You both said things that poked and prodded the raw spots, and now you’re each smarting even more than before.
This does not have to continue. You can both move past this and continue having an open and honest relationship with each other. But it will require the ability to acknowledge that both of you are entitled to your feelings in this difficult situation.
I wish you luck.” historyandherbs
Another User Comments:
“You stole from your aunt on numerous occasions. That won’t do any good to your relationship with her. Yet, you are angry she lied? Would you have been happier if she told you: you already proved you are not trustworthy, not even to family?
So I won’t allow someone with a history of stealing from me at my wedding (where there were wedding gifts as well I presume), at a fancy venue where I will be liable for all the stealing you are most likely going to do while attending my wedding (venue or guests).
Can’t blame your aunt, I wouldn’t want to be stressed out over my stealing nephew at my wedding. Yeah, YTJ. I hope klepto is diagnosed and you are getting help learning to deal with it.
She is NTJ for trying to keep her wedding as stress-free as possible, which also means keeping the family peace without insulting family members. Having the chance of total drama (with multiple family members) just before her wedding by plainly saying, ‘I don’t want my stealing nephew to attend.’
I’d lie and would rather have you feeling insulted for being lied to over risking the chance of my nephew stealing from everyone who is important to me on one of the most important days of my life.
You are being petty about that and not even attending the family party, which honestly surprises me she invited you to. You should feel lucky you were even still invited to that party. I wouldn’t want people in my house or near me that have stolen from me before, let alone family who you should be able to trust.” Lucys243
9. AITJ For Embarrassing My Brother In Front Of Everyone?
“I used to date my brother’s best friend, but we broke up 3 months ago. My brother is still friends with him but I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to be around him at all.
My brother planned a trip for his birthday before our breakup but he and his wife both reassured me that my ex wasn’t going anymore, which is the only reason I went. Obviously, they lied and I was really upset that I yelled at my brother in front of everybody and told him he was a terrible brother and that I wanted him to stay away from me now too.
We were all staying in a villa together but I didn’t want to stay there so I took my things and left without telling anybody where I was going.
My brother and ex kept calling and texting me asking me where I was but I ignored them until my parents called me to ask me where I was.
Everybody is mad at me now and I don’t know if I’m the one in the wrong here or not.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother is allowed to invite whoever he wants on a trip for his birthday, which includes his best friend(your ex).
What he isn’t allowed to do, is lie to you about the best friend being there, removing your agency to decide if you want to go or not based on that information. If he’d told you in advance that his best friend was still going to go then you could have either bowed out of the trip or mentally prepared yourself to be around your ex.
I’ll say soft YTJ for the way you blew up on your brother, you could have quietly slipped out and removed yourself from the situation without the theatrics, but given the ambush, I can’t say I blame you for it.
Next time, however, don’t date within your brother’s friend pool. That rarely ever goes well for anyone.” Lightning_Baby88
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your brother & his wife shouldn’t have lied to you about his friend (your ex) coming, they are jerks for lying.
You shouldn’t expect your brother to drop his friend because you two broke up. The part where you’re a jerk is ghosting from a vacation spot instead of just being an adult and say that you are leaving.
The ghosting was just dumb and irresponsible. You’re not in your hometown where people know you. You’re in unfamiliar territory and bad things can happen. Next time put your big girl underpants on and tell them that due to the circumstances you are going to stay somewhere else.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You established a boundary, you were reassured that boundary would be respected, and your boundary was not respected. Your brother and his wife are major jerks for lying to your face and even bigger jerks for trying to blame you for leaving.
What did they think would happen? You’d sweep a major breach of trust under the rug and sing a gospel song? That you’d rekindle that fire between your ex and live happily ever after? This isn’t The Parent Trap
Your ex is also a jerk for trying to ask you where you ran off to, knowing full well he’s the reason you ran off in the first place.
They’re trying to force your ex into your life.
Good on you for having enough respect for yourself to leave.” DismemberedHat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – you dated his best friend. Unless he was unfaithful or abusive, seeing him is part of life.
If you don’t want to see your exes then don’t date family members or close friends. This would change if you respond to any of the info questions about why you broke up, until then with you not having mentioned a horrible reason, I’m assuming there isn’t one.
Everyone else sucks still for lying. Even if you were being petty, they should have told you the truth. But you can’t expect to date a sibling’s best friend and then never have to see them when it doesn’t work.
That’s childish and puts your brother in an awful situation unless he did something awful to you to end the relationship.” _Sierrafy
8. AITJ For Not Giving The Gate Code To A Random Driver?
“I booked an Airbnb in a gated community. There’s a code to open the gate so I can park in the parking lot.
Today there was a car stalled in front of the keypad to enter the code. I waited for a while (~3 min) and then the car moved out of the way so then I entered the code that my host gave me to open the gate.
The car that was in front of me looped around and tailgated me into the parking lot. As I parked and got out of the car, the driver asked me for the gate code. I told her I was only here for Airbnb and so I wasn’t comfortable giving her the code.
She said she only needed the code to enter through another gate so she could deliver food. I told her I couldn’t help her and she called me ‘rude and a witch.’
AITJ for not giving her the gate code?
In my head, I thought it was weird that she was asking so she could enter through another gate even though she was waiting at my entrance. I also couldn’t tell if she was actually delivering something like she said, although if she was I could’ve made her life a lot easier.
I just didn’t want any consequences to fall back on me or the Airbnb owner if she was lying.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The purpose of having a coded gate is to prevent unknowns from being able to freely access the area.
If people give out the code to any random strangers that ask, it entirely defeats the point of it.
The fact that she obviously didn’t have the code and circumvented that by following you is potentially suspicious – had you been a resident or more familiar with the development this is something that should potentially have been reported to management/security.
If she is a delivery driver? Then organizing access is between her and her client, not you.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not your property and you did the right thing not giving it to her, especially if she seems suspicious.
Not to mention, that kind of overreaction is usually not the result of someone with a legitimate complaint. Kind of like how underage drinkers get mad when asked for ID but an adult who’s forgotten their ID is understanding of the situation.” IWillHitYou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The driver had other options, the main one being calling the person they were delivering to for them to a.) come out to get it or b.) give them the code to deliver.
You were a guest in this neighborhood and you could get in trouble for giving out the code in general, but especially if the person was lying and an incident occurred.
You kept yourself safe/covered and the driver had other ways to approach the situation.
Also because you didn’t live in the area you had no way to verify what place/person was receiving the food to make sure, so ya I think you did the right thing here, to be honest.” smeekky
7. AITJ For Wanting To Be Sure That My Accounts Are Closed?
“Yesterday, I (35f) stopped by my former bank, as I kept getting emails about an account. However, my accounts were closed, so getting notifications about an account activity was unusual. I closed my accounts in March 2022 and got a confirmation on my phone app, but no letter or anything.
Since then, I no access to the app.
Anyways, I finally took some time off to go to the bank and ask what was that all about. I tried calling, but the lines were always busy.
After waiting for about 15 minutes, a bank employee welcomed me to her office. She was about 25 years old. At first, she was very polite and said something along the lines of ‘Yes, of course, we will sort it all out, don’t worry’.
She checked my information and confirmed that my account was closed in March. But when I asked why I kept receiving emails, she didn’t have an answer. After a back-and-forth with her colleague in the office next door, she finally told me that there was nothing she could do.
I should just ignore the emails. But, I didn’t let it go.
I asked her to check again if all of my related accounts were closed. And what do you know, one of them wasn’t.
The guy who processed my request in March must have forgotten to mark one of the related accounts as closed. And surprise, they kept charging it so now I owned about 20€. So the girl, already a little irritated as my problem was taking longer than expected, told me not to worry and that she will take care of it.
She will even wave off the 20€. Then she stood up and gestured to the door (a polite way of telling me to get out).
Here is where I might be the jerk. I politely, but firmly told her no, I won’t go before she gives me a written confirmation that all of my accounts were closed. She said he had no time for that.
I said tough luck, I’m staying. She then proceeded to press some buttons and in a few minutes said ‘No it’s closed, have a good afternoon’. I asked again. She once again refused and told me she had other people to see.
She said, ‘someone will call you tomorrow to confirm.’ I said, ‘not good enough, I need written proof because I don’t want to be back here in two months for the same reason’. She was frustrated and yelled that she had no time for my entitlement and run to her colleague’s office.
After five more minutes of waiting, the guy came with the document I needed in hand, proving that my accounts were now all closed.
I thanked him and left. I must insist that I never raised my voice.
I know how to talk to annoyed people and know that raising your voice is never a good idea. Kill them with kindness is my choice of action.
After I got home and told the story to a few friends, they said that I shouldn’t have insisted, that’s just how it works.
I do feel like I acted like a Karen, but I was losing funds (granted, not a lot) because of someone else’s error.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your friends are very immature if they think that is just how it goes.
The bank made an error and you requested confirmation that they had corrected that error. It was the woman’s job to give you what you asked for. If you had ignored it there are so many things that could have screwed you over later on.
This can show up in a credit report, a job screening, application for schools. The woman was either too lazy or too incompetent to do her job. I lean towards too lazy since she told you to just ignore the emails instead of really looking to see why you were getting them.” 80Katz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This should have never been a thing, as you closed everything 7 months ago. Instead, she told you everything was closed and after you pressing, she discovered it wasn’t.
It doesn’t matter how ‘busy’ she is or ‘how many other customers’ there were.
They didn’t get it taken care of in March, and you had to press to get it handled today. She was trying to brush you off and you most likely would’ve been back again had you not persisted.” BeefyMonkeyBrains
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This woman yelled at you and ran into her colleague’s office? You are not the problem, this person is unprofessional and it seems she didn’t know how to handle your request which is why her colleague did it in five minutes
You had every right to expect written confirmation on the spot considering the bank didn’t handle it right in the first place
Be grateful you no longer bank there.” BadReputationIDC
6. AITJ For Not Paying For My Sister's Bills?
“My older sister (32 female) is unemployed and only works as a waitress to get by. I (30 female) have a well-paying, financially stable career. With my sister’s difficulties, she has been reaching out to me for a couple of months for financial support, to which I agreed until two days ago.
My sister had called me and asked to borrow $400 to pay her bills. Normally I would have said yes to help her out but here is the problem. She had posted pictures on social media over the weekend bragging about an expensive night out with friends.
It bothered me to see this because she had been coming to me for financial help for months but somehow could afford to go out on some lavish night out.
So, when she called me the following Monday asking me for funds to help pay her bills, I asked where the money from her job went.
She told me that she had spent most of it on a fun weekend with the girls because ‘she never did anything for herself anymore and needed it’. The thought didn’t sit right with me so I refused. Explaining that she was given funds and she had the choice to be responsible and pay her bills or to be irresponsible and blow it.
She decided to be irresponsible. She yelled at me that I was being selfish and it was not like I needed it but she did! I told her that wasn’t the point and that she didn’t need it either because she had the money and decided not to use it to pay her bills.
She went on about how were are supposed to be sisters and family should come first. That I’m a bad sister for being so greedy and selfish. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen at the end of the day, your sister feels entitled to your funds because you agreed to help her out through tough times.
Cut her off for a while and see if she is able to pay her bills or not with the money she makes. Also, I’d strongly advise you to keep some proof of how poorly she handles her finances, just in case she goes and complains to your parents/ other family members.
Yes, we should help out family, but it is a decision and an act of love, not an obligation.” thinklikeapotato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, ask her how she isn’t greedy and selfish to demand your funds after she spent her own.
If the roles were reversed she’d say no but would likely only give the examination of ‘it’s my money and I need it.’ You don’t owe her an examination, just tell her that you can’t afford to support her, and she shouldn’t be spending recklessly when she doesn’t have the funds to do so.
She is having this entitled reaction because she expected you to give her funds, to begin with, she literally went out already assuming you’d cover whatever she was short on. She isn’t used to having anybody to fall back on, because she’s always had you.
I say this coming from someone who used to think this way once upon a time. She won’t learn her lesson until she has to.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What… is really wrong with people now?
Why do they think they deserve what other people work hard for when they hardly work?
Your sister has it very wrong. Every single time she can take the money she earns and can pay rent or the light bill, put gas in her car, or buy food she is ‘doing something for herself’.
It’s a blessing to have the means to be able to pay those bills. Would all of us rather have more money to do fun or frivolous things? Absolutely! But paying your bill and living a stable life are more important than a fun weekend.
Good on you. Make sure that she knows the bank of OP is now and forever closed. She’s going to have to hit it and get it for herself. If that means full-time work or even two jobs, that’s what it is.
Sometimes the best way to support someone is by not supporting them. Time for big sis to grow up!” moew4974
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Fiancé's Cousin To Our Wedding?
“I (29m) and my partner (25m) are getting married in the Spring, so we’re deep into wedding planning. Having booked the venue we’re now finalizing the guest list. This has sadly turned into a fairly large argument.
I have an extreme dislike of one of my partner’s cousins (28f).
I and my partner are very financially secure. Without going into too much detail I came into a rather large sum, enough that with careful management, we can enjoy a good standard of living.
Both our families know of our financial situation. Both I and my partner grew up in working-class homes, and both of us are uncomfortable showing off. No fancy cars, or expensive jewelry, and neither of us enjoy expensive restaurants.
My cousin grew up in a very different lifestyle from what I’m told. She won’t hesitate in showing off her designer bag or pics from her luxury holidays with her husband whether you ask or not.
She’s also always talked my partner down which really gets under my skin.
After I proposed we went on a city getaway for a weekend. Cousin who had moved there recently for her husband’s work reached out to invite us to dinner at a restaurant that night so we could ‘celebrate’.
While neither of us wanted to go we accept in order not to be rude. We arrived at the restaurant and the place was fancy. We had to endure some backhanded comments about how we were underdressed as this wasn’t planned. Cousin then starts by ordering an expensive bottle of wine, and another bottle later.
They were consumed by them as I and my partner are not wine drinkers, which told her after the first bottle.
At the end of the meal she excused herself to go to the bathroom her husband left 30 seconds later to do the same.
After 5 minutes our waiter along with the manager arrived with the bill, It was over 3.5k. long story short they had done a dine and dash leaving us to pay. After sorting out a misunderstanding with the manager (he thought we were going to do the same) I got an itemized bill we spent 400, then the rest. I was absolutely livid that we had been taken for a ride.
We paid the bill and decided to chase cousin up for her rightful share. She declined calls and didn’t reply to texts.
Eventually, after outing what they did in the family group chat she responded that it was us who are wrong.
That the meal was supposed to be a ‘celebration’ and making it about money especially when we can afford it was tacky. Cousin’s mother (Aunt) also pitched that bringing this up in a family group chat is horrible because it’s making everyone uncomfortable and that we really need to just******* up and move on.
Now originally I and my partner were in agreement that we didn’t want them coming. That changed as his family learned that cousin might not be invited and started to apply pressure on him, most recently from his gran.
Apparently ‘no matter what families do they should always be forgiven and stick together’.
So am I right for standing firm or AITJ for causing a family rift and need to******* up for the day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Also, have a conversation with your fiancé about no longer discussing the guest list with anyone. Period. Just tell anyone that brings it up that it is not a topic for discussion as the decisions on who will be invited are between you and him.
Once you guys stop listening to the peanut gallery, put your heads together and present that list… if a name doesn’t spark joy, strike it out. Don’t be concerned about the feathers ruffled. Everyone wants to invite themselves to a party on someone else’s dime it seems…
I really don’t know what the big deal is either… weddings are boring unless you genuinely care about the people getting hitched.” Dragonr0se
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Holy Hannah! She’s a thief and so is her husband.
Stand your ground. And I would be very clear about what she is and what she did. That you don’t want a thief anywhere near your wedding. Someone who is so self-involved and is willing to defraud both you and a restaurant is not worth being around.
And would make it patently obvious in the group chat that the only reason people are uncomfortable is that they don’t want to be forced to call a spade a spade. And if it was to be about a ‘celebration’ that they invited you out to, then why was it acceptable to leave you to foot a $3500 bill?
They invited YOU GUYS not the other way around. If your Aunt wants to just move then she can pay you back for the bill they dashed on. And if she is unwilling to do so, she can get her daughter to pay the monies.
Otherwise, she is also not invited, because just telling you to move on after someone IN YOUR OWN FAMILY steals from you is not acceptable. Theft is theft. It doesn’t matter if you had the money to cover it or not.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They owe you and if they feel that 3.5k is nothing then everyone who disagrees with you owes you for the tab.
I would hint that the restaurant staff and management are waiting for their calls especially since they have cameras and such that record the interaction and the meals that were eaten by whom and they have their names waiting for nonpayment.
Proof that you are not lying.” Mina_Harker22
4. AITJ For Siding With My Husband?
“My son (11) has been in a mood lately. More than likely due to puberty, as this behavior is not like him. He is not my husband’s biological son but treats him like he is (my son has never met his real dad, per the father’s wishes).
I have been with my husband for 8 years.
So lately my son has been finding issues when it comes to absolutely everything and admittedly, with him being my baby, I usually try to see his POV no matter how ridiculous it is.
But for the past few months, he has been talking back, whining, throwing fits of rage (like screaming into a pillow until he bursts b***d vessels around his eyes or slamming doors or walking away from me while I’m talking, running his yuck).
His doctor states that it is more than likely puberty and I have no reason to disagree but I did get him into therapy just in case there was a bigger issue going on. I also tried talking to him about what was going on and he says nothing is wrong and he is just frustrated. But my husband is becoming helpless, thinking he is doing something wrong because the anger is always directed at him.
So basically, the other day he lost his mind because my husband (who doesn’t make rules but definitely enforces mine) told him to put up the VR at 6, which is MY rule. My son got mad.
When I passed him in the hallway to go to the kitchen he made some comment about ‘This is why I hate John’. I reminded him that it was my rule and John was just enforcing it.
He rolled his eyes and walks off. Then another night he was mad at John because John told him he couldn’t have a 4th helping on dinner because I hadn’t eaten yet. It wasn’t that he was hungry, as he said he was full, but it was his favorite meal. So he gets mad and says John shouldn’t be able to tell him what he can and cannot eat.
So I’ve been getting more irritated than I probably should be, admittedly. So when he lost his mind this morning because John told him he has to start wearing a jacket to school (it’s already freezing temps here) and he started mocking John and rolling his eyes, I snapped. I told him to stop acting like John is the problem and told him to start checking his attitude and entitlement before I start enforcing discipline because I was tired of listening to his hateful talk about John when it is misplaced. My neighbor, who was standing by her door and heard this, told me it would be a cold day in the underworld if she ever take her husband’s side over her child’s and that I was wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sometimes in life, you have to make a binary choice, like choosing who to side with between your husband and your child. In those situations, you just have to hope you made the right choice.
And you did. Your husband has been helping raise your son since he was 3, and your son’s bio dad sadly doesn’t want him. John IS his father.
So honestly, the fact that he can’t make rules seems sort of strange to me, but to each their own, you’re the bio mom so your rules but this is why stepfathers often get disrespected by the children of their partners.
They can’t discipline them, and they can’t enforce rules on them without it potentially causing issues so they just have to accept whatever happens.
You’re absolutely NTJ though as your boy is being super disrespectful for no reason toward John for your own rules, which forces me to point out that more than likely wouldn’t be happening if John had been allowed to discipline him properly growing up.
The reason he’s not disrespecting you is that you’re his mother and he knows if he acts up to you, he can actually get in trouble. He can do whatever he wants to John and just keep pushing buttons until YOU react, because if John does you could still get upset at him.” Chadderific
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for taking your husband’s side. You are the jerk because you have taken much too long to do anything. Why are you setting the rules but not enforcing them yourself as well?
From your story sounds like your husband has been handed the hate because he is stepping up as the enforcer of rules while you baby your son. You are just accepting bad behavior towards both of you to an unacceptable degree.
Raising a child is always a two-people job in the good and the bad areas. Puberty only goes so far as an excuse. Start showing him the limits of this atrocious behavior, YOU.
It always seems funny to me how such behavior gets tolerated to a frightening degree, and then people get surprised when it sticks that way.
Every child tests borders and will push on until the limit is shown. Set the limit early enough, or there will be a lot of problems.” Daakurei
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your neighbor needs to shut their mouth.
Parents always need to be on the same team, at least in front of the kids and hash any differences out behind closed doors. Your husband has been the only father who has known and has been there a vast majority of his life.
I think he should be able to parent equally, and it was not just mom’s rules. This isn’t the case with an older stepchild coming into the equation.
He was 3 when you all got married and it’s all your son knows.
Your husband is the father figure, and the roles should come along with that. I would have a serious talk with your kid and remind him this is the guy who has been there for us, for you, and will always be there for you.
You treat him with the same respect as me and he has all the right to make rules just like you do. You need to set the stage that your husband is an equal partner and parent.
Make sure your son gets the point. I am positive there will come a time when their relationship blossoms and your son sees him as a father and not just John who annoys him.” Technical-Mammoth592
I realize that your son is at the threshold of puberty with all that entails, but that's NOT an excuse for his behaviour, nor his constant disrespect of John.
I think you need to have a family meeting and reiterate the household rules, driving home the point that BOTH parents will be enforcing them, and any pushback will earn your son an appropriate punishment. He is the child, you two are the parents and that's that. If son doubles down, so do you. He's rude, disobedient and disrespectful and it needs to stop. Yesterday.
Oh, and your neighbor needs to zip it.
3. AITJ For Uninviting My Sister From My Wedding Party?
“Me (F) and my sister, Kate, have different religions. I am Catholic and she is evangelical.
We have our ideological differences, but we have a very close relationship, after all, it was just me, her, and my mother our entire childhood/adolescence.
I was proposed to 3 months ago, I decided I would have my sister as a maid of honor and have no bridesmaid, my fiance agrees and only chose his best friend.
There will be a religious ceremony at the church and then we will go to a venue where the party will take place.
For me, it’s important to get married in church. It will happen in 4 months.
I asked Kate to be my maid of honor and she was super excited. But during the preparations, when she learned that I would have a ceremony at the church, she seemed uncomfortable, but I didn’t question it (I waited for her to speak).
Well, last week, she called me for coffee and said that she didn’t feel comfortable going to a Catholic church because of her religion, so she couldn’t attend the religious ceremony, but she would love to go to the party, participate in everything, she just wouldn’t go at the ceremony.
I got really upset and said, ‘This is an important moment for me, much more than the party and I wish all the people I love were there, including you’.
She replied, ‘I don’t feel comfortable going into churches other than my own, but I will participate in everything else.’
Me: ‘I don’t feel comfortable in other churches either, but I went with the greatest honor to your wedding, because I know it was important to you as well as for me’.
She still stuck to the decision and I felt so tired and sad that I just got up and walked away.
After a lot of thinking, I called her and said If one of the people I love the most, can’t stay 2 hours at the most important moment for me, even though I asked it to be there for me and not for our religion… then I think you shouldn’t come to my wedding.
If you can’t make a concession for me, then I shouldn’t make one for you.’
Well, she keeps texting me saying that I’m overreacting and that I should respect her stance. She and my mother are pressuring me to go back on my decision.
I’m just really upset, it’s something extremely important to me, I would like to have her be there and on my side, but she doesn’t want to and I felt betrayed because I did it for her and she didn’t for me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is your decision to make. I’m not even religious at all, and I’m SO uncomfortable in churches/religious places of gathering but when I’m invited to one for a wedding of a loved one, I go despite my aversion to the church(es).
Because my love for them is what inspires me to go.
Your sister decided to make a stand on your wedding day and not give you the same respect you gave to her on her wedding day due to not being comfortable in your church.
You have every right to tell her that she’s no longer invited to any of the festivities if she’s going to disrespect you like that. Tell your mom to stay out of it, and tell your sister that she made her decision already and she doesn’t get to cry about the consequences now.
No attendance at the ceremony means she isn’t welcome at your party. Simple as that.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you need to decide if her being at everything but the ceremony will make you upset rather than being a happy time for you.
If that is the case then you definitely should not have her there, but if your memories of the event will be about her not being there with you maybe find another option. That being said.
Her stance is in no way rational in my opinion. Her being there for you at your wedding does not conflict with her faith in any way. I feel as if I will burst into flames, or be stuck by lightning when I am about to walk into a church but I have still been to countless weddings and funerals to support family and friends.
Why do you have a close relationship with her? She should not be able to because you worship differently than here. You’re Catholic and she is Evangelical. She should have nothing to do with you right?
Shouldn’t come to your house? It’s a catholic household. About the same as saying she can’t go into your church for your wedding because it is a catholic church.” Mindless_Sell_9283
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have a right to disinvite her since you’re not having many people and you stated that you just wish for your family and close ones to be there.
I understand that your sister isn’t comfortable going to a different church but she’s not doing it for herself, she can be there present out of respect for you. I’ve converted from Catholicism but still attend my sibling’s special events (first communion, baptisms, weddings, or confirmations) and everything is fine it’s not like you’re forced to be part of the ceremony.
Maybe that’s why she’s concerned that she has to read or participate in the offerings to the altar or something similar that would be against her religion.
Talk to her, she wants to be with you on your special day, remember you only got this chance to make beautiful memories with her, don’t throw it away you’ll look at your pictures and regret not having her be there.” Free_Distance7839
2. AITJ For Bragging Too Much?
“I (24M) have a very religious family. My parents put me and all of my siblings (I’m the oldest) in a private Christian school. I lived the worst years of my life there, even had some mental issues, and tried to take out my own life (don’t worry, I’m in therapy since then and doing great).
While I was studying there, I never was a good kid, which caused a lot of trouble, which made me get expelled when I was 14. I heard some awful things from the pastors (I refuse to call them teachers or educators), things like ‘you’ll never get anything in your life,’ or ‘the underworld’s fire is gonna consume you because you’re a loser and sinner.’ So I went to public school, and it was the best thing.
I learned I was good, I had friends, and could be myself.
So, after high school, I was accepted into one of the best universities in my country, I graduated and started to work in a good company, where I make good money.
But here’s the story: I’m currently living with my parents to save funds and buy myself a house since they have a huge house, and they want some financial help to keep paying for my sibling’s education.
This week my parents are out, so every day, I’m picking up my younger brother (15M) at school because I’m the only one who has a car.
Yesterday I went to pick him up, and one of his teachers and principal called me inside, saying that he caused trouble.
Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. As soon they saw me, the principal (who was one of my teachers) said to the other teacher: this family is so messed up. Now I understand this kid doesn’t have an example.
I got angry but tried to stay polite. And asked what happened. Long story short: my brother was questioning the teachers about everything, especially science and history. For me, it’s not a problem, I learned that school is a place to question everything.
And said: ‘I don’t see any problem in his questions, but I know that you are incapable of teaching, so I will remind him to never question dumb people’.
The principal was super mad and started to yell at me saying that I was probably working at a McDonald’s because that was the best that I could do in my life.
I started to brag about everything that I conquered, even said that in that room, I had the highest salary. I bragged about my car, my university and said that I was at the top of my class ever since I got expelled from that garbage.
Took my brother and we left home.
A couple of hours later, my mother called me saying that the principal called her and I was totally disrespectful and should not act toward older people like this.
She even asked, ‘do you want to get your brother expelled too?’. I said, ‘that would be great because he will finally have some chance of winning in life and achieving something’. She called me a jerk and told our family that I’m calling my brother a failure and wanted him to get expelled.
So, did I really take things too far? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The pastor recognized you and proceeded to continue what he’d done to you years ago. Good on you for calling him out without cussing at him.
What’s your brother’s take on this? He can see how well you succeeded AFTER you left that miserable place. I’d continue to help him get away. Encourage him to keep questioning in class but to always be respectful so he doesn’t get in trouble for anything other than his words.
I’m sure the priests can relate to that, given their history of persecuting people speaking out. Science class would be a riot for me.” dinahdog
Another User Comments:
“As much as I want to go with NTJ, I’m going to have to go with ‘everyone sucks here.’ Your parents for forcing their religious beliefs onto their children who very obviously have no interest in it, the ‘educators’ for undermining hardworking individuals and taking jabs at CHILDREN, and you for creating an even worse environment for your brother.
I completely understand wanting to prove people who have always doubted you wrong, and as someone who has friends who were forced into religion and didn’t find true content in life until they were out of it, I really do understand wanting to prove that religion isn’t everything to everyone and that having faith can actually hold someone back, but you also have to take into account that, now, they might take their spite and pettiness out on your brother.” winniethepiggie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Whether you agree with the decision to send your brother to the Christian school or not is their decision to make.
The school administrators asked to see you because your brother is having discipline problems. This was a moment for you to listen to them, nod at the right places, and then convey their comments to your parents.
Instead, you made the session all about you and your success. You also made it about your contempt for the administrators, and you insulted them to their faces.
This was highly inappropriate, and it was not the place for you to get your emotional catharsis by telling the administrators how much better than them you are.
If they were insulting you personally, it would have been enough to say, ‘I am successful and happy in my own life’ or something like that.
And here is another thing. It also was not your place to call the faculty dumb or to signal approval of your brother questioning them.
Yes, you might do that privately with your brother. But in terms of his behavior at school, it is your parents’ place, not yours, to set boundaries for your brother and to communicate with school officials if they disapprove of the instructional methods.
As a final note, I notice that you are better than your parents in your mind. Yet it seems you are not too good to enter into a financially advantageous relationship with them and live under their roof.
Food for thought there.” VerySurlyPerson
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
As a former teacher, these ‘teachers’ attitude disgusts me. This might be different in other countries, but in the UK faith schools are required to follow the same teaching standards and professional conduct that non-faith schools follow.
Telling a child they are not going to heaven would be an immediate sackable offense here.
The attitude and behavior of the teachers were absolutely unacceptable. However, you did not make the situation any better by responding aggressively.
What you should have done was have a rational conversation with the teachers. Try and tell them that surely your brother asking questions in class is a sign of him being engaged in the lesson and being motivated to learn.
If he’s asking these questions in a disrespectful manner then you’d apologize for that.
Instead of helping to resolve the conflict, your brother was having with the teachers you made it all about you. You have left school now.
These teachers no longer have any effect on your life. Trying to settle some old grudge you have against them makes you look sad and childish.
Remember, that these teachers have the power to pass or fail your brother in his classes.
They have already proven their selves to not be objective teachers. Why make the situation worse for your brother by adding fuel to the fire?” kinglearybeardy
1. AITJ For Not Inviting A Coworker To A Get-Together?
“I work for a small office of a larger company. Until recently we had 12 permanent employees.
All 12 of us like the same National Football League team. We get together Sundays to watch, sometimes at the local bar but usually, we take turns hosting. It’s usually not all of us but 5 or so each week are able to make it.
A few months ago we hired a new employee, Jen. We didn’t say anything about our Sunday tradition because we didn’t know if she was interested. However, a couple of weeks ago, someone saw her wearing a hat for the team and passed it on to me, so I invited her.
She accepted the invitation. However, it was not a fun experience for the rest of us. She got upset when people talked and ate chips, saying she didn’t like the sound of people eating and that she wanted to be able to hear the announcers.
We did not invite her last Sunday for that reason. Somehow she found out through someone’s family member that it was an every-week thing she wasn’t invited to. She was incredibly angry she wasn’t invited and accused me of being ‘toxic’ (she was most angry at me because I started the ‘tradition’ and was the one to invite her).
She even reported me to the wider company and complained on social media.
Now she’s refusing to work with me on a project until I apologize for excluding her and is being generally cold.
A few other people have said I should just satisfy her and not cause drama, but I don’t think it’s necessary.
AITJ?
Edit – There are 3 other women, all who are invited to the weekly get-togethers, and one who helped start them.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Jen is insufferable, but this is someone you work with, and part of working with people is being able to use your words. it would have been really easy for you to say, ‘hey Jen, we are getting together for football again but I gotta let you know – it’s definitely a social event with talking and eating and noise.
If that’s not your jam, we will totally understand if you don’t want to come.’
Managing difficult situations 101. You could have informed her of the state of affairs, that you are not going to change, and that adapting is up to her.
You failed, you left her feeling excluded from a workplace social gathering, and that IS bullying. You created a situation, and now it’s on you to fix it.
And, surprise! You can use the same script.
‘I did not mean to exclude you. It’s definitely a gathering where people are eating and noisy, and I felt you weren’t enjoying yourself. It wasn’t personal, and I am sorry if you felt excluded.’
And holy cow, do not make this a giant HR/management thing. That will not end well for you.” Mabelisms
Another User Comments:
“She seems to assume that the workplace and private lives are of the same status.
That is where HR needs to inform her that her coworker’s free time is not hers. That you did include her shows your openness to inclusion.
Usually, one would expect that a newcomer to a social group would not try to dominate that group and start making significant changes.
Her doing that more than justifies her being excluded from future meetups. She seems outraged that her dominance play didn’t go over well and expects to be free to decide who she does and does not work with.
Wow!
Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may have come on strong because she can’t tolerate the discomfort and effort needed to fit in as a newcomer. But that is on her.
She may just be a person who has to control everything and everyone in her environment. This will show up in the workplace as she attempts to remake workplace relationships. Do write this up and present it to HR.
Nothing will happen but getting your version in first matters for what is to come.
Be glad she doesn’t want to work on projects with you. You did well before she arrived, and not having her on projects with you will eliminate her aggression and takeover tendencies.
You can bring this to HR if her not working with you gets in the way of her not providing you with what you need.” 2ndcupofcoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When an invited guest is rude and obnoxious, then the consequence is that the invitation is not repeated. Neither you nor Jen (nor your co-workers) is in kindergarten.
You don’t have to be ‘friends’ outside of work, and you don’t have to invite her to your home. No apology is necessary. The get-together is not a work function, so she does not have to be included.
If it comes to HR – let them know that social functions outside of work are not under their purview. Jen was rude and obnoxious to her host and the other people at the gathering, so she will no longer be invited. The fact that Jen is making it an issue at work is something that should be addressed with HER, not you.
Please do NOT apologize or invite her again. To do so would only encourage her bad behavior. Despite her misguided opinion, the world does not revolve around her.” Electronic-Cat-4478
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Her for obvious reasons if – as you say – all the key details are here. Her response is quite disproportionate to the situation you described, although her underlying rationale isn’t incorrect. Refusing to work with you is unprofessional, and she’s making the situation worse by taking a victim role when it seems clear to me that you and your colleagues did a fairly normal human social thing of not continuing to try to include someone who didn’t want to be included in that way.
But.
Your behavior also sucked here because you seem to lack an understanding that as your workplace changes, so workplace norms may need to change.
This isn’t a work event for business purposes, but it is an event that occurs only because of your workplace and colleagues.
Not inviting her to the weekly gathering (and not making it clear it’s a standing thing), and misunderstanding the important info here (it’s less important that she is a fan, and more important to include what sounds like the only new person in your team and potentially the only woman) are both big errors of professional judgment (in many workplaces).
You have the building blocks of either a really fantastic or a really terrible office culture here. Going about all of this differently from the outset and responding non defensively now are important.
Your manager and HR are unlikely to look kindly at either party in the situation.
These kinds of events that start out when it’s all one kind of group in a workplace quickly turn sour for others when the workplace diversifies and the events are no longer inclusive. Informal social time can be an important way for teams to bond.
In some companies and industries, these social – rather than professional – relationships set people up for promotions. This is how these issues begin to spiral into discriminatory setups and conflicts of interest.
It never starts there.
But as a workplace, it can easily end there.
This can probably get cleared up. An email like the one in the top comment that also has a slight mea culpa and an olive branch (of COURSE Jen is welcome, this was a misunderstanding) and some effort from HR and the Manager to reassure that workplace promotions and progression are in no way linked to this social club (hopefully easy as it sounds like your manager does not attend) will help.” lobsterp0t
Your SO is insecure and selfish. I was married to someone like that, so recognize the signs. He likes you being insecure because you'll never leave him if you don't develop any self confidence. You changing your body image is threatening to him, which is why he said the nasty things he did. I ended up dumping my pet narcissist after our marriage counselor told me that if I stayed married to that man, I would be emotionally stunted for the rest of my life, and it STILL took a while for me to realize how much self confidence he'd stolen from me over the 6 years of our marriage.
Don't do what I did and continue to let him use you for target practice whenever he's feeling insecure and snarky. Get out ASAP and free yourself to find someone who loves you for you.
Good luck!