People Don't Want To Accept That They're Wrong In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“My (31f) husband (32m) got into cooking about a year ago. He started small but has quickly come to love making elaborate, fancy dishes.

At first, I was super excited about this.

It gave him a hobby other than video games/screen time and of course, I loved getting to eat all the great dishes he cooked!

However, things have now gotten to a challenging place.

I lost my job three months ago so our income has decreased somewhat. My husband hasn’t switched to cheaper ingredients or cooking fewer times per week. He will sometimes buy a large number of ingredients only to use a few of them for the actual dish (since he can only buy some stuff in large quantities regardless of how much he actually needs).

We are constantly drowning in leftovers. I get stressed trying to eat up everything before he cooks the next thing. We still have food waste, despite my efforts.

I have tried to talk to him about this, plan out meals for the week, and encourage him to scale back on either the number of fancy meals cooked or the intensity of each meal (number of ingredients and amount of leftovers created).

This hasn’t worked. He is still cooking in the exact same way. He says he doesn’t know how to spend less or buy fewer ingredients since he’s not good enough at cooking yet to make adjustments to the recipes he uses.

He also says he doesn’t want to cook fewer times per week because then he will get out of the habit and lose his skills.

I finally put my foot down and told my husband that, for the good of our financial security and our household stress, I would really like him to cook only two fancy meals per week.

He was upset and said I was being unsupportive and ungrateful. We haven’t come to a compromise yet.

AITJ for asking my husband to scale back his fancy cooking?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, one of the best skills you can learn as a cook is how to plan your dishes so that you don’t waste ingredients. This goes into meal planning as well.

All those ingredients he buys in large amounts but only needs a little? He needs to plan the following recipes to use up what’s leftover from the first dish, this idea carries on forever.

For example, you should never be in a position where you buy a bunch of parsley only to use a few sprigs and throw the rest away. That’s bonkers.

There are so many other recipes you can make where parsley is an ingredient. A large bunch of parsley could most likely handle up to 3 recipes if they’re not the main ingredient.

You just have to search and plan for that specifically.

You can make fancy meals without using expensive ingredients. It’s about what you’re searching for when you’re looking for recipes.

If he can adjust the way in which he searches, he can accommodate that. There’s no reason he has to use truffles and saffron in every dish he produces.

You can make a beautiful and complex dish with much more common ingredients.

Can I ask where exactly he gathers his recipes from? What is his planning process for shopping and the week’s dishes?” funnyflowers1321

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you’re completely reasonable – BUT if he is the main wage earner and he wants to spend a lot on cooking, he can and if he’s not hearing you then it’s just going to keep causing stress and conflict by you bringing it up.

There are a couple of things here you can do aside from talking and hoping he listens. I would weigh everything that gets thrown out, put your leftovers, and your rotten ingredients in a big mixing bowl and weigh it as you do a fridge clean out and make a chart so he can see how much food is going into the bin each week.

Hopefully, when he sees you’re throwing out 5,10,15kg of wasted food he’ll ease up (this is the way my partner’s restaurant trains new staff, so they can visualize how much food is wasted when they over-served portions or screw up orders.)

Secondly, stop eating what he’s cooking and stop praising him. Is his cooking part of a cycle of approval, where he feels good planning, he feels good learning but he feels best that he’s ‘done a good job!’ Stop eating what he puts out (make your own meals on the days you’ve said are not fancy cook days) and refuse to eat if he cooks.

It’s not a punishment, and don’t buy into any fights he might try and start about ‘if you’re against good waste then you should eat’ – just let him know he can cook what he wants when he wants but you’re not interested in the process or the products.

The dude can cook every day and twice on Sunday if he wants, but if he wants you to be involved in the process, if he wants you to listen to how it went for him, what he did, what he learned, if he wants your attention, support and approval when it comes to cooking – that’s now going to have to be on your terms.” Competitive-Sundae11

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

As the home economist and main cook in our house, I have a firm stare for your husband.

Reducing most recipes is simple arithmetic. It’s really not that hard.

My kid with dyscalculia learned fractions by scaling recipes. He can also choose recipes that are already scaled for a smaller yield, or learn to freeze leftovers.

Point out to the dude that there’s also a lot of skill and work in planning economical meals that are delicious.

Making inexpensive ingredients do something tasty is at the root of much of the world’s best cooking. Invite him to try challenges like making a week of meals on the USDA thrift budget, which is presently about $4 per person per day.

There are books, like Cheap and Good, dedicated to that.

There’s also a lot of thought and study out there about the environmental and economic impact of a constant luxury diet.

Simple doesn’t have to be dull or unpalatable, and there are occasions for elaborate food, but there is a moral case to be made for simplicity.

I’m good at this stuff from necessity and long practice and have fed my house well on budgets comparable to the USDA thrift budget.

Let me know if you’d like resources or support for dude—if he’s willing to learn.” Amiedeslivres