People Inquire "Am I The Jerk?" In These Tough Situations
16. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Remove Her Tattoo?
“I (17ftm) am trans and came out to my family a few months ago.
All in all, everyone has been supportive, although I believe my mom was a tiny bit bummed. She said she would always support me, though. She just needs time to process all of this.
Which is honestly painful. But not the reason why I’m here.
My mom got a tattoo with my sister’s name and my dead name after I was born. It’s a huge tattoo with a unique design that incorporates her and my dead name.
It covers most of her arm, and she is really proud of it because my old sister designed it and gifted it to her for her birthday.
Obviously, constantly seeing my dead name is kind of triggering to me.
Therefore, I told her she needs to remove it. She seemed shocked and told me she’s too old for longer tattoo sessions. She hasn’t gotten a tattoo in years, bc of that.
She also was diagnosed with depression and such and uses it as an excuse for not having the energy to change it anymore. I don’t really believe her, but whatever.
Now she is often trying to cover it up with clothes, but I feel like it’s not enough. Just the knowledge that that… name is still there, haunts me. But she refuses to change it.
We had a lot of fights because of it, and she said that she is really trying to hide it, but it’s a part of her body that she is in love with, bc there is so much history and love for her children in that tattoo.
I can’t really relate, because I don’t have any particularly significant tattoos.
Now, my birthday was a few days ago and some family came over, and the issue came up, bc my cousin was showing off her new tattoo and someone asked about the dead name tattoo.
My mom got uncomfortably silent and excused herself and went to the kitchen. So, everyone started asking me what that was about, and I told them that I wanted her to remove the tattoo, but she doesn’t want to.
My sister also doesn’t want her to, because she believes it would look really awful since the entire design is attached to the names, and the only way to cover it would be to just make her entire arm black.
Anyway, I didn’t actually plan for that reaction, but my cousin (who can relate a bit bc she’s queer) for some reason got furious and went after my mom and screamed at her for being so unsupportive and accused her of being transphobic.
Which I don’t believe, although it was nice to see someone get angry about the tattoo, bc my cousin was finally saying some things I was feeling, but I didn’t want to put into words.
My mom then had a panic attack and left the house. She is now staying with my grandpa, and my dad and my sister are angry at me for making some of my family gang up on her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Op, little love, soft YTJ. I get how you feel, I do. However, your mother is older. Her skin isn’t as elastic anymore as it was so she would be in even more pain.
Tattoo cover-ups are super expensive and getting it removed would be thousands. Plus, this is sentimental to her bc her daughter designed it and it has her children’s names. That doesn’t mean she’s wanting you to go “back.”
I’m sorry you’re feeling dysphoric, I truly am, but we can’t change the past. We only have control over what we do with our bodies, not anyone else’s. Your mother isn’t being homophobic or transphobic so your cousin was way out of line and you need to apologize to your mother for causing her to have a panic attack, that’s not okay on either of your or your cousin’s parts.
Your mom is supporting you the best she can, from what it sounds like, your mom doesn’t have good mental health right now.
I’m reading that she tried to cover it up but that’s not good enough for you?
That’s just selfish. I’m sorry, I hate to say it, but it’s selfish. The only way to fix that tattoo, would be to black it out? Do you know how painful that is?
Again, I’m sorry this has hurt you but I think you’re hurting your mom too.” Over_Spring_5026
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ.
I get it, I really do. I’ve had severe gender dysphoria for longer than you’ve been alive.
And I understand how upsetting seeing the tattoo is.
But your mum isn’t being transphobic. She isn’t flaunting the tattoo (in fact, she’s trying her best through non-intrusive means to keep it covered so it won’t upset you), and she isn’t challenging your identity or deadnaming you in your daily life.
She supports who you are.
The issue here is that you do not get to require another person to get what amounts to a painful semi-medical procedure on THEIR BODY in order to satisfy YOUR personal concerns or issues, no matter how real or serious those may be.
You just don’t. You do not get to demand that she alter her actual body for you.
From the sound of it, your mother understands the seriousness of this. She isn’t being hateful to you about it, as we so often see, or shouting at you that “this is the name she gave her baby”.
I suspect that if she could go back in time and undo it she might. But she can’t. What she’s telling you is that she will not spend hundreds of dollars and go through a great deal of physical pain in order to have it removed or covered. And .
. . that’s fair. It’s her body. And she’s not saying no because she doesn’t care about you or your identity. She’s saying no because IT’S A PAINFUL, INTRUSIVE, medically-adjacent procedure that she feels she cannot cope with at this stage in her life.
And that’s as valid as your concerns are.
I get why it bothers you, but she’s trying to be sensitive and compromise, and you are not taking HER bodily autonomy or the nuance here into consideration at all.
Gentle YTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Op, if your mother asked you to stop taking testosterone cause it triggers her, wouldn’t you be upset that your mother wants to change your body?
What makes you think it’s okay for you to ask the same of her? To change her body cause of the mere sight of a name is too much for you to handle?” your-yogurt
15. AITJ For Telling People To Stop Congratulating My Weight Loss Journey?
“I have recently lost a lot of weight. I’ve been fat since childhood.
Growing up fat was hard. You’re the brunt of jokes, mean and snide comments, any little pain you have at the doctors must be because of your weight. You’re not allowed to complain about being too hot in the summer.
Your food choices are scrutinized to death: eat a salad, well done!!!! It’s so healthy!!!! Good on your for trying to lose weight!!! Eat a burger? That’s why you’re fat.
You should try swapping the bun for lettuce. You should swap your fries for a salad. Are you sure you don’t want something else? Christ on a bike, it was exhausting.
I got to a point in my 20s where I decided I didn’t care anymore. I was fat and that was that. I stopped efforts for intentional weight loss and started moving my body because I enjoyed it and it alleviated my depressive episodes.
I also went vegan for lent 3 years ago and never stopped after the 40 days.
I’ve subsequently lost a lot of weight. I haven’t weighed myself in about 5 years, but I’ve lost a lot of weight.
Went from size 18/20 to 10/12. I’m ambivalent about the weight loss, angry about the treatment of it.
People are nicer to me. Like they’ll greet me where they didn’t before. I walk into a store and the staff comes to offer me help.
My social media likes have never been higher. Men hit on me and point out other aspects of my personality other than being funny. Nobody seems to care what I eat anymore; they even encourage me to get dessert now.
People treat me with basic human decency because my body is smaller than it used to be and it freaking infuriates me. I’ve changed in no way. I’m the same person I’ve always been, but the way I move in the world has improved because my body is smaller.
I went to a family event for the first time in years. Jaws literally dropped. “Omg OP, you look soooo good!!! You have to tell me your secret!” I asked people to stop commenting on my body as it was making me uncomfortable.
They persisted until I snapped.
I told them, very curtly and firmly but never shouting, that it’s disgusting how they treat me. How the cousins who never invited me on girls’ nights now want me to hang with them.
How people are now talking to me about things other than work and taking a genuine interest in my life. How they’re not even trying to conceal their fatphobia. It makes me sad that I could have had the love and support of my family all these years had I not been fat.
People did the whole “nooo, it was your health we were worried about!!” And I pointed out how 2 of my cousins were high-functioning addicts, yet none of them were ever treated with the disdain I was.
Their concern was not my health but my looks. Please spare me lies to my face.
It got awkward and silent and my family left soon after. My parents went off on me in the car about it for making this awkward.
They said I should have just said thanks and not ruined the family gathering. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Society has conditioned everyone that if you’re not thin, you’re not in.
Too many people still are not self-aware enough not to follow the herd of what is acceptable. They shame everyone including themselves.
I have an eating disorder. When it goes off and I am in an episode, I lose significant weight, to say I am average weight normally 8/10 size, people start commenting like crazy when I get smaller.
I have had to pull aside people that aren’t aware of my disorder and flat out tell them, unfortunately, my weight loss is not healthy and to refrain from commenting on my weight.
Educating people to comment on my clothes or my energy but never weight. It’s unfathomable that people still outright do this regularly knowing it’s not right.
Once I heal from the traumatic episode and I come right back to my healthy weight comments stop like somehow my healthy weight is wrong or at least it’s how I perceive it.” MJSP88
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
As someone who also lost a bunch of weight, and went through something very similar; I can honestly say that I deeply empathize with the “Being skinny social bump,” and the subsequent unveiling of how crappy I was treated over my weight before.
Trust me, I get it.
That said, I do think you have become bitter. You now see the true superficial nature of people, and it upsets you.
But, these people are simply proud of you.
Everyone knows how hard weight loss is, and they’ve seen a recent demonstration of your resolve; it’s respectable (Regardless if this demonstration was weight loss.)
If your cousin overcame their dependence on substances, it would be a demonstration of their resolve; they would experience the same level of congratulations.
Please, please, don’t discourage support from your family. Please don’t weaponize your weight loss against a supportive family; this is going to backfire.
If it bothers you, talk to them in private.
Don’t rub fat-phobia in their face, just enjoy yourself.” squeeeeenis
Another User Comments:
“I’m having weight loss surgery in 2 weeks motivated to improve my health because of my crappy genetics and already on the road map for an early death.
I specifically asked my parents not to tell people because my weight yo-yos a lot, and my family is not shy about letting me know about it.
My parents couldn’t keep their mouths shut.
Whenever I’m smaller, they CONSTANTLY and restlessly make comments that now I’m pretty and I could find a “quality” partner. And that I’m going to look so good when I lose all my extra weight.
Now I’m getting all those comments 24/7 just with an added “After your surgery…”
It’s exhausting. It’s draining. It crushes my mental health. They effectively make me feel like my self-worth depends on my weight.
And it’s mostly everyone around me.
Your worth does not depend on what you look like.
NTJ, OP.” Staphyl_aureus
14. AITJ For Taking My Wife's Side After She Screamed At My Mom?
“I (33m) am married to my wonderful wife Melody (29f) and she is currently pregnant with our first child together. I have a 6-year-old daughter Tina whose mother I split 50/50 custody with, so I know for the most part what Melody needs in order to feel supported while she carries our child.
I have been spending lots of time making sure she’s comfortable and taking on more of the load at home so she’s not doing too much; this is her first child after all, and it’s obviously a lot for her physically and emotionally.
My mother and Melody don’t get along too well. My mom didn’t like my ex either (we broke up because we were headed on different paths, not because of my mother and there’s no bad b***d), so I think she just doesn’t like her, for whatever reason; it’s weird.
She’s very nit-picky about Melody, how much she does around the house, how emotional she is (Melody already cries very easily, and being pregnant has made her even more sensitive which is fine), and the fact that she wants to be a stay at home mom; it just seems like nothing Melody does is okay.
I do however stand up for her and do not just allow my mom to talk down to her.
Today before picking up my daughter from summer camp, Melody went to 3 different grocery stores to find rotisserie chicken.
She’s been talking about it since last night and really, really wanted one, lol. She sent me picture messages documenting her quest for the chicken and finally found it. My girl was HAPPY.
Rotisserie chicken is also a kind of comfort food for her like spaghetti because her mom used to make one of those when she was “having a lazy day” and didn’t feel like cooking.
She was planning on serving that with some other basic sides for dinner, perfectly fine by me.
My mother came by to see Tina and started telling Melody the chicken is bad for her and that she should not be eating that pregnant.
Melody said it’s fine; she usually eats healthy and just wants this one thing she’s craving. My mom went on about how unhealthy it was and said she needs to eat something else.
Melody said no and went to the backyard to video chat with her family (out of state).
When she came back, my mom had thrown out the food and ordered take-out: a salad for Melody and pizza for everyone else.
Melody asked where the chicken was and my mother told her she needs to start being a responsible mother and eat correctly for the baby. Melody screamed, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A WITCH TO ME?” She then started crying and called me home.
I came back and asked my mother to leave after hearing her story and said she is not to come back until she apologizes for how she treated Melody.
My mom went on about how I’m choosing another woman over her, but I just think enough is enough and Melody reached her limit. She apologized to me for blowing up when Tina was in the house, but I told her it’s okay; things happen.
Tina is okay, and I went to find her another chicken before the store closed. My dad thinks I’m right for taking Melody’s side, but my brother thinks I should always defend mom so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, you’re NTJ.
Everyone knows you don’t throw out someone else’s food, whether they’re pregnant or not. That’s just plain rude and controlling. You’re mother’s a jerk for that.
And everyone knows a pregnant woman has cravings. It’s not some super secret. So your mother’s a jerk for that too.
And most people know eating one rotisserie chicken is NOT unhealthy, for either the mother or the baby.
So your mother is a jerk for that too.
Lastly, most people know that you should NOT defend your mother over your own wife – especially when your mother is wrong and being a jerk.
So your brother is a jerk for that.
In summary: your mother is a triple jerk, and your brother is a clueless jerk.” witcher_rat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – and if you had just set appropriate boundaries with your mom years ago like you should have, this probably would never have happened. Overall, the whole situation seems to be your fault for giving your mom so much inappropriate control over your family and especially your wife.” Such_Invite_4376
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I completely applaud everything you have done here. Especially kicking your mom out and then going to find her another chicken. Such a nice change to what we usually see here.
I feel sorry for your brother’s current/future spouse though.
Your mom will dislike any woman you have a relationship with because as she has said you’ve “chosen another woman over me.” This is not a healthy viewpoint for your mother to have, and let me guess, you’re the oldest. Don’t let her convince you that her behavior is acceptable in any way.
Also, nothing wrong with your wife eating rotisserie chicken. I’m not sure what’s unhealthy about it. It’s good protein. It’s not fried. It’s actually recommended as an easy meal for pregnant people with gestational diabetes.
Some doctors will recommend reheating it just in case since it sits for a while, other than that, she should eat it up.” WhittSmitt
13. AITJ For Telling My Son I'm Not Proud Of Him?
“My wife, Nina, and I became pregnant with our son, Jason, when we were both twenty.
We will admit it was an unplanned pregnancy, but we loved our son and kept him. We did our best to raise Jason to be kind, respectful, and treat others well, and we thought we succeeded. Jason worked hard to attend an elite university.
Jason and his first wife, Sara, had a daughter, Simone.
Unfortunately, Sara passed in a car accident before Simone’s third birthday. Jason raised Simone until Simone was four. At that time, he met his second wife and moved two hours away.
Simone lives with us. Jason visits once every two months at best. He and his wife would stay for the day, buy Simone a present, then Jason would say it was time to leave.
Nina and I suspect he only visits and buys Simone the present because his wife makes him.
His wife, Iris is a lovely lady. She insists that Simone should move in with them or they should move closer to us because she wants to be Simone’s stepmom and spend time with her.
But Jason shoots the idea down because he says Simone moving in or them moving would hurt his career and it is best Simone stay with Nina and me.
Simone is eleven now, and she adores Jason.
She makes drawings and cards for him, constantly bakes treats to send to him. It is devastating for her, because her daddy is her hero, and he does not want to spend time with her.
Her birthday was in July and she cried when Jason did not call her to wish her a happy birthday. Iris tried lying to Simone to make her feel better that the phone lines went down and Jason did not forget, but Simone did not believe her.
Simone is at summer camp all this week, and Jason invited us to a party to celebrate receiving a promotion. During the party, Jason told me about how much more he makes with this promotion and his job title and he asked “You should be proud, old man.
(Job Title) and an (elite university) alumni.” I sighed and told Jason that I honestly have not been proud of him as of late. He may have a well-paying job, but he treats his own beautiful daughter as if she doesn’t matter.
Simone is his own little girl. She loves him so much, and he doesn’t even seem to care. Nina came back with drinks and Jason told her what I said.
Nina told him that she agreed with me and he does not treat Simone right.
Most of the family says that I and Nina were in the wrong to tell Jason I was not proud of him.
They said I should know how much that statement hurts at any age because I was never good enough in my own father’s eyes. They said that Jason is probably focusing on stabilizing his career and Simone can move in with them after.
They also said Jason’s own promotional party was not the time or place to call him out and I could have just congratulated Jason on working hard and saved the drama for another day.
I feel what I said needed to be said. But most of the family is disagreeing with Nina and me. AITJ?
As many people have asked, Jason does pay for child support.
He believes because he pays child support that his responsibilities have been met.
Jason told us he was attending therapy in the beginning, but we learned later he was being untruthful about it.
Simone sees a child psychologist, but she seems to talk to the psychologist more about school and friends rather than Jason.
Many of the comments have also suggested that Simone could resemble Sara and cause too many bad memories for Jason.
That could be possible, but Simone also does not resemble Sara at all. Simone looks like a young version of Nina with lighter skin and slightly thicker hair. The issue seems to be that Jason does not want to be a parent to Simone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel like the entire family is all going to have a very raw awakening when Jason and Iris inevitably have new children because Jason will be treating them like royalty while shoving Simone further away.
However, I think that you should not shield Simone from the harsh reality that her father does not care very much for her. Not insult him or try to bring him down, just not protect him when he forgets her birthdays, or concerts, or whatever else.
You can tell her to call and ask him so that he has to come up with excuses.” mechanicarts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, your son deserved that. Good pay, a degree from a prestige uni, or a promotion is not all in life.
Even if your other relatives are right and he wants to first make sure he has a stable home, a good income and provide Simone with all she needs and wants and move her in a couple of years.
Simone probably resents him anyway. It sounds like he is barely involved in her life for about seven years by now – He is a deadbeat father and she will catch up and start resenting him sooner or later.
He doesn’t want to be her father and he doesn’t even try – not even calling her for her birthday, only visiting once a month. 2 hours is not that far and he could easily spend all the weekends with her.
He took the easy way out of parenthood after her mom died and got rid of his daughter – that is nothing someone should be proud of. Even her stepmom calling Jason out says it all.
She wants them to have a relationship but Jason has no interest whatsoever in his child.
I hope Simone can work through that and have a real dad with you, even though biologically you are her granddad and so she sees how a real man and dad act like.” journeytohealth1985
Another User Comments:
“I was ready to YTJ you hard based on the title because I pictured an eight-year-old kid seeking praise for being an A-B honor roll student and you saying that’s not enough to be proud of, but… gosh dang, there’s just so much to unpack.
The most important detail is that he’s a grown man, sounds like maybe well into his forties. If you say you’re not proud of a grown adult child then I’d say there’s probably pretty good reasoning behind it.
After reading your post, however, telling him you’re not proud of him is quite an understatement. He shouldn’t be mad that you said this at a “celebrate me for getting this far at the expense of my daughter” party considering he quite literally asked for it.
No, he should be thankful you didn’t lay into him with the wrath of a father raising his grandchild that has to see first-hand the soul-crushing devastation inflicted on her by her own deadbeat father.
You showed patience and restraint befitting any saint, as you would have been well within your right to absolutely tear into him for celebrating something that, by his own testimony, is made possible because he quite literally abandoned his daughter when her mom died.
I feel for your de-facto daughter. Even though it’s been seven years, she still has not written him off. She shows an amazing capacity for love and empathy, and maybe your son could stand to hear that she is turning out to be a much better daughter to you than he has ever been a son to you.
So yeah, definitely NTJ. Focus on Simone and give her all the love she needs.” foundflame
All the BS excuses about establishing himself, maybe Simone reminds him of his late wife etc., are just that…BS excuses. Truth is that he’s a loser who’s abandoned his child. Thankfully she has you and your wife.
Karma will not be kind to your son.
12. AITJ For Telling My Pregnant Sister To Worry Less About My Favorite Baby Names And Just Worry About Her Own?
“My sister and I are both pregnant at the same time. She’s 30 and I’m 24. She has a 3-year-old daughter and is expecting a boy this time. She announced her son’s name back in April and told everyone that the name was set in stone so feel free to use the name in gifts and stuff if we want.
I didn’t announce our daughter’s name officially yet. Some people know just because I was close enough to them, and we were talking names.
My sister asked me outright and I told her.
It’s Oceana. And she was not impressed at all. She asked me what was wrong with a name like Elizabeth or maybe a little Beatrice or Margaret. I told her nothing for those who like those names, but they are not for my husband or me.
She then said there’s always Emily, Haley, Anna, Marie. I told her to stop. That we knew our girl’s name before we even knew she was a girl, and it wasn’t going to change for her.
She went into a social media mommy group and shared the name with moms and moms to be in there and wanted people to help her figure out how to change my mind.
She went on a long rant about how my taste in names is terrible and how she’s shocked I would like a name like this. That I am ruining my child’s life.
I am rejecting all the beautiful, lovely names of the last several years. That her Agatha and Eugene are going to be envied and hated by my child and all future kids of mine for their gorgeous names.
Someone I know is in the group and sent me screenshots of the post. She made sure that stayed up top for over a week with all her complaints and rantings.
She also had some people more than willing to help.
The last time I saw her was three weeks ago, and she was giving me more names to consider. Rosemary, Vivienne, Francesca, Lilian, Martha, Geraldine, etc. I rolled my eyes and told her to focus on her own kids’ names instead of mine and that she needs to get over it and stop ranting to the world.
She told me not to be so dismissive of her and that I insulted her kids’ names, which I did not; I just told her to focus on them. She told me I should not want to name my child something her family will hate.
She told me I was rude to her, and that she had genuine concerns.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her if she is so worried about it, she can just forget that you have a baby and she doesn’t have to be an auntie.
Sounds like she would be a terrible auntie anyway.
Be careful around her with your kids, I forsee her saying a lot of crap about you to your kids. Do you really want her near your kids with that crappy attitude of you can do no right and I can do no wrong?
I’m an auntie to 20+ and they are the light of my life (including my 2 beautiful boys). Trust me when I say a name does not make the kid but an adult complaining about it makes the kid self-conscious about it.
If she can’t be a nice, fun auntie, then she doesn’t need to see her/them.
Hugs to you mama, and remind your sister it is NOT her job to parent you or your child.” MikaRose87
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your sister needs to mind her business and realize she is being a hypocrite with all this nonsense about you needing to apologize for insulting her choices when she downright crapped all over yours.
You for deciding your child’s name should be something absurd and not actually giving your sister’s valid points much thought. You love it. Great. Your kid is the one that likely has to deal with it daily outside the home and wonder why kids are mean to her.
Coming from someone with a still traditional but weird name, I hold some contempt for my parents for it. It’s made a lot of things in life more difficult. But whatever.
You asked for judgment; there it is with my personal reasoning.” weird_black_holes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oceana is actually really nice.
The names she has chosen for her kids are so rare now, that they will be bullied – especially Eugene.
Look at how unpopular they are and the percentage of their use. It’s negligible.
And what’s up with telling you to call a girl Geraldine, Martha, Margaret? We are in 2022.
If she carries on threaten her that she will have no relationship with your kid. Tell her her opinion is irrelevant and that if she can’t see past a name then she can’t be in the child’s life.” Big__Bang
11. AITJ For Refusing To Be A Bridesmaid In My Brother's Wedding?
“My brother’s (31) partner (28) and soon-to-be wife has always had a bug up her butt about me (24). I couldn’t really tell you why.
Everything was fine when they got together two years ago, but then after a few months, she would start to talk crap to me about my cousins and pretty much every other person the two of them knew.
I wasn’t receptive to it, and ever since then, everything I do is somehow a slight against her. My brother just goes along with her and she gets him all hyped up to the point where he treats everyone like crap.
She has him convinced everyone is out to get them and everyone is disrespecting her.
I’ve really been avoiding them as much as possible because it’s just not worth it and he and I were never very close to begin with.
I think me not engaging in their nonsense makes her even madder.
Now they are engaged and she asked me to be her bridesmaid? Like why? I think she just wants to put on a show to make it seem like we are close.
I said no almost immediately and told them I’d rather just be a guest. I don’t want to subject myself to what I know will just be her trying to start drama over everything and making me the scapegoat for anything and everything that goes wrong.
My brother went nuclear. Telling me I’m not invited to the wedding, I’m unwanted, the entire family hates me, I’m a loser; he just went on and on, until I hung up.
My mother ran over to his house to comfort him. Ever since I’ve been public enemy number one to them. They have been calling family members trying to get them to turn against me.
Her mother called up my grandma to talk about how awful I am; my grandma stopped answering their calls.
They won’t talk to my mother and are leaving her out of everything wedding related because she won’t punish me and kick me out of the house.
It’s so ridiculous; my mom is crying and begging me to just be a bridesmaid to make peace and she will pay for everything.
Finances aren’t the point.
I just don’t want to deal with them and don’t really care if I go to their wedding or not. I’m 99.9% sure I’m not the jerk here, but I feel bad for my mom.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is and his fiancee sounds like a train wreck.
Text him this:
“I love you. We have been nothing but welcoming to (name) and welcomed her with open arms to our family.
I simply do not feel I can give your bride the time and attention she deserves serving in the capacity of bridesmaid. I am not capable of fulfilling the bridesmaid duties to her expectations and feel that it is best for all concerned not to add stress to an already stressful time by taking on something I simply can not fulfill to expectation.
It would be setting both her and me up for failure and that would be selfish of me.”
This is neutral. You are not accepting responsibility nor are you casting blame.
You are laying things out factually. There is no scenario where you will be able to meet her expectation as a bridesmaid because if she’s flipping her lid like this now you KNOW she is going to be a massive bridezilla.
This way, when he inevitably claps back and once again spreads rumors and crud about you, you can simply send a screenshot to whoever bad mouths you with your gracious response and his vitriol.
They will get it immediately.” thingsarelookingup2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t like her, aren’t close to him, you don’t want to do it, so you shouldn’t.
If you think there’s drama now, it would be dialed up 100x if you were a bridesmaid. Honestly, I think you picked the path of least resistance, although it probably doesn’t seem like it.
And being 24, really, what kind of punishment do they think your mother can impose on you? For your mom, can’t you sit her down, talk to her, make her see that they are manipulative and she should distance herself, too?” maidenmothercrone333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way they’ve behaved because you & your mother haven’t caved to their demands reveals their true character.
Your future SIL has convinced your brother everyone is out to get him and is disrespecting her.
She’s emotionally and psychologically hurting him. I hope he’s able to see what’s going on and get out–safely–before it’s too late.” Not_A_Bimbo
10. AITJ For Not Allowing My Child To See Her Biological Mother?
“I adopted Nala (10f) from my sister when she was 3 along with my wife. After her husband got in some trouble, he ended up in jail, and she went through a downhill spiral of substance use.
My wife and I legally adopted her. Nala has thick, curly hair. My wife never touched hair types like Nala’s, but she learned really well when we got her, but she can do what she wants to her hair.
Nala’s mom went to rehab multiple times. We all pitch in for the expenses before during and after.
So Nala’s mom has been out of rehab for years. I have been in contact with her for five months now.
I’ve been cruising over the idea of letting her and Nala meet again and set a date.
Before, we talked to Nala, and she was hesitant, but as long as we stayed with her, she was fine.
We were going to go next week. Last weekend, she was going to stay over at her grandparents’. We got food and they took Nala and her sister, while my wife and I went out together.
I got a call from my oldest, shaky. My parents had brought over my kids, while my sister was at their place. So while my sister and I were talking about the meeting, she went behind my back, with my parents, to sneak and see Nala.
She started crying, got on her knees, and told Nala that she’s sorry; she’ll be her real mom soon, and she’ll get her back and she won’t have to live with us and she can have her.
She kept trying to pick Nala up, but Nala was pushing her away, obviously got nervous by what she was telling her and started crying. My sister told her a bunch of scary things that she will get taken away from us, they will be happy again, she will see her real dad again, etc.
We got over there as soon as we heard and my wife said nothing, though steam was coming out of her ears. Took the kids, I stayed, and yelled at everyone about how irresponsible they are.
I told my parents they are not allowed to be near my kids and my sister that she can forget about meeting Nala next week. I said she was clearly emotionally unstable and needs to get her act together if she wants to be around any kids, never mind Nala, and until then, she cannot see Nala.
Took two days to have Nala remotely get that we won’t give her away and she’s been going into our bed at night since then.
Now to cutting her hair, she wanted to cut her hair shorter, so it’s not an afro when curly and looks nice and still below the shoulders when straightened. I wasn’t thinking of my family while doing this.
My family is sure that “hair defines you.” My family hates short hair and often way longer hair = beauty. Nala wanted a change the week after this, and we did it, and she loves it.
My fam is mad saying that “black girls’ hair is black girls’ magic,” and my sister won’t stop messaging me about how insensitive and bad people we are and that she is her child, and we are selfish to take that away, and I know how much hair is important to her, and we should’ve consulted her before cutting it.
My family is on her side for all of it.”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, NTJ.
Second: get a restraining order ASAP. If she was willing to be emotionally unstable, manipulative, and mentally unstable, she’s not going to stop.
Third: Remove your parents from any access, like school pick up or emergency contact info, etc., etc. Put them on low contact and an info diet.
4th: Give them all WRITTEN boundaries, even in an email, something with a date and time stamp – in fact, you should send it multiple ways, including certified mail they have to sign for.
Clearly outline ALL boundaries and consequences.
“You are not to speak, see, or attempt any contact with Nala/Sister in any way, shape, or form. Any disrespect of this will result in no contact/restraining orders being placed on you.
You are not to request contact or pictures and if WE decide to contact you, it is our method and frequency ONLY. If WE decide to give you pics, you are not allowed to share them with anyone or post them electronically anywhere.
There is a no-contact order/restraining order in place for SISTER. It is not to be violated and any attempt to assist her in circumventing the order will result in permanent NC.
We need a cooling-off period no shorter than X- months with zero contact; we require you to enroll in counseling or therapy and will also need an apology before ANY contact will continue.
At which point wife and I will join you in therapy visits as tolerated which will continue until WE feel it’s appropriate for ANY contact with the kids to be permitted.
When and if contact continues in the future; it will be under OUR direct supervision; there will be no mention of sister and her role with Nala; no mention of sister and how she feels about Nala or her role; no mention of sister and her desire of her deluded thoughts of future roles with Nala.
This is non-negotiable and not up for discussion.”” censormenow2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As someone who has a foot in the child welfare system…
THANK YOU for being such a good parent to Nala.
And thank you for protecting her from a potentially unsafe situation and parent. As for her hair, this was NALA’S CHOICE, and again I am so glad that you supported her.
Your family can die mad about it. You are doing all of the things that are best for Nala and supporting her and caring for her in a wonderful way.
She is very lucky to have two adopted parents like you and your wife.
Thank you.” CelestinaGrey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A whole bunch of enablers of crappy behavior that side of your family are.
I get who Nala came from, but seriously, they can’t help your sister by letting her do and say crappy things, and it’s crap that your family conspired (and will continue to) behind yours and your wife’s backs to get your sister to see Nala, as it is clear your sister isn’t well, and can’t see the triggering damage she is doing to Nala through her own desperation to have something she wants but is clearly not ready to have.
This is a hill I’d die on for Nala. She’s obviously happy with you and your wife right now, and she feels loved and taken care of. Whatever happens in the future, I hope it all works out, but your sister and especially your family need to get their own act together.” Positivemindsetbuddy
Anything you do to protect YOUR CHILD does NOT make you the jerk.
As for hair, it's HER hair, its her CHOICE of what to do with it. Just because biology says you sister is her mother, does not make it so. You and your wife chose to become her parents and you two make the decisions that are best YOUR children. If Nala had been adopted by strangers, none of this would be an issue now. They feel that because family adopted her that they get a say, they DONT.
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Parents At My House When I Have A Newborn?
“I (24f) am currently pregnant, due in December. I live with my fiancé Dan in the town where I grew up.
I have a great relationship with my parents, but they had me quite late in life, and they’re both retired now, living in a beach town in the south. When they moved out, they sold me the house I grew up in well below market value, in exchange for me hosting them when they needed/wanted to come into town.
It’s been like that for two years; they’ve been here a bunch of times for 3-4 days at a time, and it’s been a good arrangement I think.
Now, yesterday, I was talking to my mom about the birth, and I brought up that I would like her to be in town when I give birth and to stay for a few weeks after.
Dan has no relationship with his family, and I’m an only child, with only a couple of very elderly aunts and a few cousins I don’t have much of a relationship with, so we don’t really have much in terms of a support system.
Therefore, I’d love for my parents to come here and help around the house, with the baby, offer me the emotional support I know I’m going to need, etc. My mom was excited that I was asking her to do this and said that she’d be okay with staying with us for a few weeks while we adjusted to the baby.
I then told her that I didn’t mean her staying with us, just in town, as I believe Dan and I are going to need and want alone time to adjust to the baby.
My mom was a little offended, saying that she wasn’t going to bother us and she was going to help out, but I told her it was nothing personal; I just preferred if she got a hotel or AirBnB or something.
My father then intervened, having been somewhere within earshot, and said that accommodation was going to be really expensive around that time of the year (our town has a very famous, very big Christmas market), and he wasn’t about to spend thousands of bucks when I was asking them to come, AND it had been our agreement when they sold me the house that they could stay whenever they wanted. Which, like, fair, but I don’t think that having a newborn at home is just a regular time in someone’s life, and it’s not like I ever complained about them coming over before.
I just don’t want them in the house, but I do want them in town, and I feel a little sad that they are putting their finances above me and their grandson.
My mother hung up the call trying to appease the situation but then sent me a text saying that she and my dad were a little upset over the whole thing and that they thought I wasn’t being reasonable.
When Dan got home, I told him all this, and he kind of sided with them, saying that they should be allowed to stay with us. But I still don’t think it makes sense, as we are going to be needing our alone time.
Was I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Either let them stay at your house, or pay for their hotel/B&B/whatever, yourself, or don’t expect them to visit.
They’re doing you a favor.
A second favor, since they already sold you their house at well below market value in exchange for your letting them stay there when they visit.
I’m not saying you’re a jerk for not wanting houseguests when you have a new baby, just that you can’t demand that they visit for an extended period to help you, but insist that they pay their own way.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“I hope you reconsider your stance on this.
Every first-time parent (I’m assuming this is your first) has this vision of what the first week looks like and then crap starts hitting the fan.
My first cried every 30 minutes her first 4 days, so by the time we got home from the hospital, I then cried for 12 hours straight due to hormones and no sleep.
Your hubby will be doing everything he can from laundry, food, grocery and Target runs, taking care of pets, all while also trying to bond with the new baby. And guess what?
Grandmas just know what is needed before we do because they’ve been through this before. I thought a week would be too long with my parents in the house, but when my parents left to go home, I cried so hard because I was terrified to be left alone with my baby (still insecure about what I was doing with nursing, swaddling, how and when to get a shower in, etc.).
My best friend had her parents in town for a week; they flew home across the country, and she had to call her mom back because she was such a wreck emotionally and physically during recovery.
You’re NTJ but neither are your parents for wanting to stay with you due to said arrangements, cost of another place, and knowledge of how helpful it could be for you.” wally265
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your parents sold you the house for less than it was worth, so they would have a place to stay when they visited you; they lost profit on that.
They have to pay for their housing and utilities even when they’re traveling, so they’re losing even more there. Then you want them to fork out thousands of bucks for lodging (that from their perspective should already be included) and come spend the better part of a month working for you.
You are asking way too much.
It is perfectly reasonable to want your parents to help. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to share your home for that amount of time.
But it is not reasonable to expect people to put themselves out for you, in extreme ways and not offer them any support. This whole thing has been about supporting YOU.
What about them? They’re people too. Most adults realize by this point that their parents are full individuals with needs and wants of their own. You are being very selfish and only considering your own needs and wants.
I see plenty of opportunity for compromise here. If they stay two weeks, have them stay in your house for week 1 and in a hotel for week 2 to help the transition.
Or you guys pay one week, and they pay the other. Or, since their comfort doesn’t matter, why don’t you all be uncomfortable for a couple of weeks and stay in an Airbnb together?
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes you have to sacrifice a little of comfort, especially when everyone else is willing to sacrifice so much for your needs.” foreverlullaby
8. AITJ For Asking My Co-Worker To Work Saturdays Despite It Going Against Her Religious Beliefs?
“So, my sister just passed away during childbirth, and her funeral is on Saturday. I was very close to her, and I don’t want to miss it. It can’t be rescheduled, because there are friends and family coming from out of town and it would mess up their schedule.
Our family was heartbroken. It happened so abruptly. My dad’s even coming from out of state for this, and he rarely comes here. We have an entire nursery we can’t even use.
I asked for Saturday off at work to go to the funeral, but I would have to swap out with my coworker, who never works Saturdays because of her religion.
I asked her, and she said that while she understood, she can’t come on that day.
I pleaded again and again, but she wouldn’t budge and told me to stop asking.
She won’t even work on this one day, even though my sister literally died. I got a heads up from my manager that if I harassed her any more, I would get written up.
I talked with my mom and stepdad about this, and my stepdad is on my side, while my mom said I shouldn’t insult someone’s religion, and I was wrong for even asking.
I need this closure, and I’m super frustrated and depressed, and my coworker isn’t even talking to me now, and some of my other coworkers said I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for harassing your coworker. This is management’s problem, not hers or even yours. Tell management that you will not be in that day, because while you value your job and respect your employer, your sister’s funeral is more important than any job ever could be.
Maybe they have to close for the day. Too bad for them. Sounds like they’re too short-staffed to fire you. DO NOT miss your sister’s funeral for a job.
But leave that poor girl alone.” Ceecee_soup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your work is the biggest jerk though. I read that you are a minor and said something about working freezer, so I’m gonna assume you work minimum wage for a big corporation or something like that.
Please understand they don’t care about you; you are a number to them. I feel SO BAD and guilty when I call in sick to the point I’d work while throwing up, but they would screw me over in a second.
Please please go to the funeral, even if you don’t show up for work. You will regret not going to the funeral; you won’t regret not showing up for your shift with your crappy boss.
Also as I think other people said, there are literally things in place to give you time off for family emergencies or bereavement.
You shouldn’t have kept pushing the co-worker since it’s their religion, and they are probably just another underpaid worker, but I understand you are just desperately trying to find some way.
Your boss is the jerk.
Most importantly, though, I am so, so sorry to you and your family for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard this must be on all of you, and it’s most important you focus on yourself and your family’s wellbeing right now.” beccaabrooke
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here except for your boss. It’s absolutely heartless of your place of work to not offer leave for situations like this.
Obviously, your coworker’s religious beliefs are important, and so is your sister’s funeral. Neither of you should be in this situation at all.
Screw your boss. If possible, skip work anyway and go to the funeral. As long as it won’t be a big hit financially (ie. leave you broke, homeless, or bankrupt), your sister’s funeral is far more important than the job.” Shoddy-Ad-1746
7. AITJ For Vomiting After My Partner's Family Tricked Me Into Eating Meat?
I would rethink the entire relationship.
“I’ve been vegan for 10 years and vegetarian for 3 before that. One thing to know is that after not eating meat, a person can’t jump right back into eating a lot of it without some… Seriously unpleasant digestive issues.
It has to be reintroduced slowly.
I found that out by chance when I actually got intoxicated at a bonfire party, got confused between the veg chili and meat chili, and spent the next day and a half fighting for my life on the toilet.
Or another time, I had a stew with meat by accident, and it came out both ends at the same time… That was fun to clean.
After these experiences, I’ve decided that if I ever eat meat by accident again, I’m just gonna have a quick puke because at least that’s better than a day or 2 of stomach issues.
So last week, I was visiting my partner and his family. And his parents and brother have always given me crap for being vegan; they crack jokes about it all the time.
But this week, they were kinda pleasant, and on the last day, said they’d made me a meatless family recipe. This pasta with chunky red sauce with a bunch of veggies and stuff.
It was kinda weird tasting, but I was polite about it when they asked, and I said I liked it.
Then… His dad was like, “Ha, did you hear her?
She said she liked it!” And the whole family except my partner and I were acting like it was some big joke.
Then his dad revealed it had ground beef in the sauce.
I was like ‘goshdarnit’ internally because I had a 4-hour flight the next morning, and I did not want to spend it blowing up the airplane bathroom. So I was like “excuse me” and walked to the bathroom.
His family was like “what the heck,” so as a bit of an answer to them, I didn’t shut the door when I did what I was about to do: have a puke.
It was a little dramatic honestly, but… I’d rather it come out once easily than unpleasantly on the plane or bus. Especially because the bus has no bathrooms.
His family was getting mad at me for throwing up with the door open because my partner’s brother’s daughter got grossed out and puked on the floor too.
I was mad but decided it was better to spend my energy just screwing off, so I was like “better out than in, right?”
I bounced and my partner came with me, though he had been trying to talk to his family before I put my foot down and said I was out with or without him.
He is mad at his family for obvious reasons, but he’s also kinda upset with me for how I handled stuff. Feeling like making everyone hear and see me retch, not cleaning up the “splatter,” and then heading out fairly wordlessly.
I was like, “Nah, I handled it fine. I wasn’t being dramatic. I didn’t wanna be blowing up the airplane toilet tomorrow. And the splatter? They’re darn lucky it wasn’t coming from the other end.”
At that point, I started laughing at the idea which made my partner madder. He was saying that kinda vile stuff was screwed up, and I was like, “Chill, it’s a joke.”
He’s upset with me for that. I’m mad at his family, and I’m wondering…
AITJ for puking after my partner’s family tricked me into eating meat? Even though I’m vegan and it would cause digestive heck for me?”
Another User Comment:
“I’m sorry, I’ll probably get reamed for this but so be it.
ESH – your partner’s fam is obviously crappy for tricking you into eating meat, and you have every right to puke it up for your obvious reasons too.
But what makes you crappy is leaving the door open. By all means, make your way to the bathroom and puke it up. Screw them for doing it, make em clean up the splatter, whatever.
But you made an innocent child puke. You did it to “prove” a point, I guess. Woopty doo. Why did the poor child get dragged into your crap?
I don’t care what anyone has to say against my point of view.
You proved your point by puking it up. But leaving the door open just so you can “drive it on home” is unnecessary and childish.” IndicisivlyIntrigued
Another User Comment:
“NTJ.
The bridges I would pour gasoline and light a match on if someone did this to me… I don’t care if I plan to marry my partner (I do); his family would get 0 niceties from me on something like this.
I have celiac, and you’d be shocked how many people think it’s some funny joke to try and get me to eat gluten.
Our bodies aren’t your freaking playgrounds, people!!!
I’m sorry you had this experience. That “vile stuff” your partner didn’t want to hear is about your LIFE.
I get that being vegan and having celiac aren’t the same, but messing with people’s food is classified in many instances as a form of assault.
What they did is very not okay.” Drewabble
Another User Comment:
“NTJ at all. By any means. And it is 100% illegal (at least in my state) to “tamper” with your food, knowing your dietary restrictions.
As a vegan, eating meat can cause you to have severe physical reactions. These people knowingly poisoned your body and it’s not a joke. What they did was very serious.
Someone needs to express this to that family. It’s not ok. I don’t know on what planet these people would think it was funny to do such a thing.
In my state, a cousin of mine (as a young teen) did this to a girl in his class. They snuck meat into her sandwich knowing she was a vegetarian.
The parents reported it to the police, and all the kids ended up in court. I can’t remember the exact repercussions, but I know that there definitely were some.
He felt terrible (just a kid thinking it was a harmless joke) and has been remorseful since, thankfully.
These people need a reality slap. Maybe a judge should be the one giving it to them.
This is just horrible. I hope you are feeling better.” Low-Tax1016
6. AITJ For Choosing To Help One Of My Daughters More Than The Other?
It’s not what it sounds like.
“I (56F) have two daughters. Jane (28F) and Lauren (32F). They both have recently had a child of their own (Jane had a girl and Lauren had a boy) and I’m doing my best to help each one of them as best I can without overstepping boundaries.
My husband is doing the same as well.
The problems arose when Lauren accused me of favoriting Jane because I am more willing to babysit for Jane rather than Lauren.
Jane chose to formula feed, while Lauren chose to nurse. Lauren refuses to have her baby take a bottle, which is fine; I truly don’t care. Lauren’s baby is at the age where he is nursing regularly and can’t be away from his mom for more than an hour.
Because of this, I don’t babysit for Lauren often, or at all. I’ll come over and hold the baby while she does some laundry, dishes, or something else.
When she is over at my home, I hold her baby so she can nap, but it usually isn’t a long nap because the baby feeds regularly.
Jane’s baby on the other hand can be away from their mom for a few hours because she drinks formula and not breastmilk.
Because of this, I am often babysitting for Jane while she runs errands or has a night out with her husband. Also, Jane is a working mom and Lauren is a stay-at-home mom.
I watch Jane’s baby for her while she works because she has anxiety about leaving her with anybody else. Recently Lauren asked me to watch her baby while she and her husband have a night out.
I said no because there is no way for me to feed her son and he needs to be with his mom to eat. He isn’t on table food yet, only breastmilk.
She accused me of playing favorites because I often babysit for Jane but not her. I told her it was different because Jane doesn’t breastfeed. She accused me of punishing her for doing what’s best for her baby.
I told her that simply wasn’t true. And that since I am not able to feed her child I cannot babysit them for long periods of time like I do Jane’s child.
AITJ for babysitting one grandchild more than the other?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a grandmother, not a goddess with unlimited power over time.
Your daughters are adults and have made choices for their babies as they see fit.
Jane went the formula route. Lauren chose to breastfeed. Apparently, she also chose NOT to express and bottle breast milk, and also to feed on demand, so she’s on a very tight schedule.
So be it.
Any time or effort you spend on your daughters and their households is a GIFT, OP. You get to choose what gifts work for you and what don’t.
And they get to choose if they accept it, or not.
I’m guessing Lauren is ridiculously sleep-deprived and not thinking straight — what sort of “night out” can they have in an hour?
— but maybe ask her if she has considered pumping…? Which would change the game for you, for sure. Good luck to everybody!” little500HondaCBR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You sound like you’re bending over backward to help both your daughters, to the degree that you can base on what you determined each one needs.
If Lauren has a solution to your concern (perhaps can leave pre-pumped breast milk for you?), why not simply address your concern in the spirit of gratitude and compromise?
Why is she turning to guilting and shaming you instead over your choices?
Unless this “slight” is bringing up an old wound attached to other instances of feeling like Jane was being favored growing up, in which case I’d highly recommend sitting down and discussing her feelings, it sounds like she’s entitled to throwing a tantrum because she’s upset at not getting a night out when she wants.” 3tzamani
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but listen. I think (totally guessing here, ok? So I could be totally off base) that Lauren is trying to tell you she feels like you’re not there for her in the same way that you are for Jane.
I don’t think it’s all about the babysitting aspect; I think she may just see it as you don’t spend as much time with her or that she’s an afterthought.
You say you go over and hold the baby for an hour, and that’s it, so do you ever just spend a day with her once in a while? Just chilling with her?
Talking with her? Etc.? Could it be that she’s just lonely and misses her mother and feels like you don’t care/have time for her anymore because you’re all about Jane?
Again, I’m GUESSING here, not saying it’s the case.
I completely understand not wanting to pump; pumping is not as easy as people make it out to be. It’s not something that everyone wants to do; it can hurt!
That’s perfectly OK if she chooses not to. Gently let her know that you’re unable to feed the baby therefore you can’t babysit for her like you can Jane, but invite her to just spend time with you.” tekwayyuhself
5. AITJ For Telling My Wife That Our Daughter Is More Important Than Her?
“Our daughter is turning 18 in October. She is a great kid, always pulled straight A’s, is never in any type of trouble, and she’s very respectful.
My wife recently decided to have a talk with her about adult responsibilities. I had no knowledge of this conversation u*til my daughter came to me crying because she was scared about living on her own.
I was confused at first, but then she told me her mother said she needs to start looking for a job because she’ll be expected to get her own place after her birthday.
I was appalled because we never discussed throwing her out at 18. When I confronted my wife, she said our daughter wasn’t a child anymore and needed our push to become an adult.
I told her I was really baffled that she would exclude me from such a serious decision/conversation.
I asked my wife how does she expect our kid to make it on minimum wage, especially considering the rent is out of control in our area.
She then informs me she had planned for us to pay half her rent u*til she was 20. I asked her, why she wanted our kid gone so bad. As the argument intensified, I believe she slipped by saying she needed the space (her bedroom) for her art studio.
I couldn’t believe it. I told my wife if her hobby was more important than our daughter, she should be the one looking to rent. However, she took that as me saying move out but that’s not how I meant it.
I was implying for her to rent more space for her studio and to leave our daughter alone. She didn’t believe that’s what I actually meant, and she then gave me the silent treatment for 3 days.
Our daughter however was still upset as she processed her mother wanting her out. She realized moving into a rental meant she had to leave her two cats behind. She’s had these cats since she was a young child, and that alone devastated her.
She told me, “I don’t want to turn 18; I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.” I picked the argument back up with my wife at that point. I said, “Our daughter isn’t moving out u*til she decides on her own terms because she is more important than you or your hobby.”
She look stunned, and maybe in the heat of the moment, I didn’t choose my words wisely. I couldn’t bear to see our daughter so upset any longer. I don’t want her struggling to make ends meet and not be able to follow her dreams. The last thing I want for her is to feel rushed. As far as my wife goes, she’s not talking to me at all and she’s been cold towards our daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is messed up.
My mother had an argument with one of my older brothers a year ago about my sister (20) who started college last year.
He stated that she should “move to where he was and start saving to buy a house” and my mother got livid, stating that “she just turned 18, how is she going to manage that?” She constantly tells him that “being 18 does not mean you are a full adult.
They still have things they need to learn before they are fully ready and are responsible for themselves.”
Your daughter is 17, going on 18. By no means is she ready to leave and live on her own until she states she is and as a parent you know she is.
And the cats, how attached is she to them? Leaving close animals is not going to help if she were to move and would make it worse.
You and her mother are supposed to make sure your daughter is ready for the world when she’s alone.
You are doing splendid from what I’ve read, and she is a good kid. If your wife is prioritizing her hobby over her daughter, then she’s not a good parent by a long shot.
Sorry that you have to go through this, it’s nonsense.
Once again, NTJ.” Stunning_Wall_2851
Another User Comments:
“ESH here:
Your wife because she didn’t discuss this with you at all prior to having the discussion with your daughter.
Your daughter because it seems like she hasn’t put any thought into life beyond your home, and that’s not a great sign. I get that finding a job to pay rent is scary and hard right now, but exactly what are her plans after high school?
Has she put any thought into it? Have ANY of you?
You because you made your wife the villain and have clearly put a line in the sand about who is “more important” – something you won’t be able to recant easily, if ever.
I have no idea about your history with your wife, but I’d be angry and hurt too if my husband told me my 18-year old who I have helped raise is now more important than me as your PARTNER.
Basically, y’all need to have a calm, serious family meeting and communicate with each other, because you’ve apparently done a crappy job so far. Topics: What is your daughter’s plan after high school and how can you support that?
Will she be going to school of some kind? Getting a job? Will she pay some rent? Will she still have chores around the house? Will she continue to obey the rules of the house once she is 18, or does she expect freedom to do what she wants without contributing to the household as an adult now?
Is there a way to support your wife and her desire for an art studio – something she has maybe deferred for 18 years while raising this child? What do YOU want to do with your child raised and grown (even if not out of the house)?
It’s true you never stop being a parent – but at some point, your child is an adult and there should be changes in how life works for all 3 of you.” TempyIsMyName
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is maddening as well as upsetting. Thank God she has you. You don’t reach a certain age and suddenly have the ability to live independently.
If your daughter is saying she’s scared to live on her own, she’s obviously not ready. She can certainly start preparing, but that is the job of a parent, not to literally get them to 18 and kick them out.
I fostered a 15-year-old with severe PTSD from her childhood; part of it was neglect. Because she was having to feed and look after herself at the age of 4, and by 15, she thought she was an adult.
She was determined to drop out of school, get a job, and live on her own at 16. She did not have the skills she needed but was actually incredibly vulnerable and naive.
Unfortunately, the whole arrangement with me fell through just before her 16th birthday. Last I heard, she was staying with a 30-year-old she knew through her family. The police and paramedics had been around there because someone had mixed two dangerous substances.
I’m in no way suggesting that would be the outcome for your daughter. But do not leave her vulnerable. The impact of kicking her out without being ready and feeling like she can’t rely on her parents will have a lasting impact.
Protect your daughter. I really hope your wife sees sense!” maliciousmalaphor
4. AITJ For Ditching My Partner After She Was Late Several Times?
“My (m25) girl (f23) and I have been together for almost 2 years.
Recently she got a new job which has been kinda stressful.
She works, on paper, 6 hours each day (from 9 AM to 3 PM), but she’s constantly doing overtime up to 8 or even 10 hours on some days.
Last Friday, I got an unexpected day off.
Her parents were going to stay with us over the weekend, so I decided to tidy up the place a bit in the morning, and I was looking forward to a nice relaxing day.
Around 11 AM, she calls me and asks me if I want to go shopping. She has been telling me for a few weeks that I need new shirts. I don’t particularly agree, so I postponed going shopping.
She says that she’ll get off work an hour early and I should come and pick her up at 2 PM, and we can go and buy some new shirts for myself.
I like going clothes shopping with her because we always end up trying the goofiest crap, so I agreed.
She never got off work early, so I asked her if she’s 100% sure, because I don’t feel like waiting around in front of her office building for one hour.
She passed for a bit and then said that it’s better if I pick her up around 3.
There’s a 30 minutes walk from where we live to where she works, so I walked there and arrived at 3.
I call her, no answer. No biggie, I send her a text telling her that I arrived. 15 minutes later she replies “10 more minutes.” Ok, I wait another 15 minutes while she says nothing.
I text her again, she replies that she’s now getting ready to leave. 15 minutes later, still no sign of her. I text her again asking if she’s sure that she can actually do this, and if not it’s ok; we’ll go shopping later.
She replies that she’ll soon get out. 30 minutes later, I text her, and I say that I’m going home because I’m tired of waiting. I wait a bit to see if she replies, but she doesn’t, so I go back home.
After I got back home, she calls me and asks me where I’m at. I tell her that I’m home, as I told her already. She says that she thought that I was joking and that’s it.
When she gets home, she starts yelling at me that how could I do this to her, telling me that her father drives her mother everywhere and waits as long as needed. That her friend has a partner that always waits for her when she leaves her workplace.
That I should have waited there all day for her. That she wanted to go shopping for me, so instead of complaining I should have gone to some stores nearby.
Frankly, I’ve never seen her so angry and so entitled. I wasn’t mad when I left, but I was still expecting an apology. I told her this, and that I understand that she’s not in control of everything that happens, but that she sounds like an entitled brat if she expects me to wait for her in the middle of the street for a few hours, while constantly telling me that she’ll be there soon.
We ended up in a huge fight. She refused to apologize for making me wait, she still thinks she did nothing wrong and I bear the entire fault.
So AITJ?
I’m thinking that maybe I should have called her before leaving.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you communicated the whole time and she made you wait for an unreasonably long time.
If I got the numbers right, you waited for 1 hour 15 minutes before you told her you were leaving, waited a bit longer, so probably somewhere between 1 hour 20 and 1 hour 30 minutes?
Then you had a 30-minute walk home and she only contacted you when you were already home, so about two hours after the time she told you to be there?
That’s beyond any reasonable expectation. She’s delusional if she thinks that’s normal behavior and while I‘ll cut her some slack because apparently, that’s how she grew up, she’s an adult now and surely must realize it‘s disrespectful to waste other people‘s time.
Also, might be time somebody (other than you) told her that work is not worth throwing away her relationship over. No company that hires you for six hours a day and then keeps you for 8-10 on a regular basis is a decent employer.
I think tardiness of up to 15 minutes tends to be an acceptable timeframe, but anything more is extremely rude unless there‘s an actual emergency. Being two hours late and then demanding an apology from the person whose time was wasted is entitled behavior.” RiverSong_777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am a chronically late person. I also have been recently diagnosed with ADHD, which seems to be the root cause. I can sometimes be on time with a HUGE effort, but I am simply not capable of doing it regularly.
It will literally eat hours of my day and a ton of my energy and focus just trying to be sure I’m not distracted and get late. (Working on trying out medications in hope of finding one that helps… keeping my fingers crossed; the effects are only subtle so far.
This is not a fun way to live.)
I do regret this. And the best way for someone else to handle it is to set expectations up front: “I will be leaving for event at 7 pm.
I’d like to go with you, but if you’re not ready by then, I’ll see you there.”
Shaming and scolding don’t help: I shame and scold myself ALL DAY LONG.
What this does instead is remove you from the consequences of my potential lateness, while telling me what to expect up front: if I’m dashing for the door at 7:10 then I’m driving myself to the event, but I still get to see my friend there.
Now — this girl is different. She does not seem to feel any shame or problem with her behavior. She told OP that he is required to wait for her for an open-ended time, rather than keeping to the time she herself stated.
Is this a test of how far she can push him/how much power she has in the relationship? “You’d do this if you love me” seems very manipulative.
Does OP get to keep her waiting similarly, or does she get angry over his lack of respect for her time? Sauce for the goose, you know: if he has to take her poor behavior as a demonstration of his love and commitment, but she doesn’t, doesn’t that imply by her own rules that she doesn’t love/isn’t committed?” quats5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your girl is mighty entitled if she thinks so little of your time. To keep you waiting for over an hour while still telling you, ‘I’ll be there soon’ is not good enough.
What if the shoe was on the other foot and you kept her waiting like that? She’d throw a fit.
She owes you an apology, and tell her in the future that 20 minutes is the max you are prepared to wait unless there is an emergency.
She should learn to time manage better.” Various-Bridge-325
3. AITJ For Ditching My Partner When I Found Out He Was Planning On Proposing?
“I (28f) have known for a while that my partner (38m) was going to propose. We’ve been talking about marriage, rings, etc for a while.
I didn’t know the when or where, but I thought I knew the HOW. This is because I’ve made it clear that I would absolutely hate a public proposal. The very idea gives me hives and makes me queasy with anxiety.
It’s a personal preference/comfort zone thing and not an opinion on other people’s proposals. There have been a few times when I thought he was going to ask, but I was wrong each time (wasn’t too disappointed because I knew it’d come eventually).
The night of the conflict was my birthday last week. We were going out to celebrate and he’d even given me my gift early to wear to dinner since it was the first time we’d be going out for my birthday in a few years.
We were meant to meet at the restaurant, but my dad called before I left, asking if our big announcement tonight was baby-related, and if so, he’d like to congratulate me in advance in case he didn’t make it due to a travel delay.
A few minutes into the call, I put two and two together and immediately called my best friend who reluctantly confirmed my fears. She hadn’t wanted to spoil my partner’s surprise, but she also tried her best to convince him to scale it down because she knew I wouldn’t like what he’d planned.
At this point, I was very late and my partner had been texting, saying that I was going to make us lose our reservation. I called him and asked directly if he was planning a public proposal. He couldn’t deny it, and after, he told me he’d reserved the entire restaurant for 75 people, I told him that this wasn’t what I wanted and that I’d be happy to attend but only if he promised not to do it in front of everyone there.
He said he’d told some people and that word got around, and they were now expecting a proposal, so he was going to do it otherwise we would’ve wasted everyone’s time and money coordinating and getting them down there.
I said that if he insisted on doing this in a way that made me uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be coming at all. I hung up at that point and stopped answering because I was hurt.
He’s livid, and we’ve been fighting all week cause I embarrassed him in front of our friends and family by not showing up. He says I’m making a big deal of it when we both know I would have said yes, and that I’m being ungrateful because any other woman would kill for a partner who would go through the trouble to make a grand gesture.
While I agree that I had every intention of saying yes when I knew it was coming, I don’t like being put on the spot or being made to feel obligated to say yes because of an audience.
He said he won’t consider proposing again until I apologize for embarrassing him and promise to chill out about my preferences in the future. I don’t feel like I should because he knew I would have preferred something more intimate and romantic.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I got engaged in front of a whole huge group in public. We had long since talked about it, but honestly, when he did it in the exact way that I didn’t want knowing I’m a very private person, I wanted to say no. But I didn’t because it was in front of a crap ton of people.
We stayed engaged for about a year and just started barely planning a wedding. Then the differences in what we wanted came out. One day, I just couldn’t do it and called it off.
18 years later, absolutely no regrets.
He wasn’t a bad person, but he wasn’t the right person for me. He married someone that loves to be the center of attention, and it’s great for them.
I’m not saying that is how your story will go, but I would be having a serious sit-down conversation about why he didn’t take into account what is special for you as well.
Engagements and marriage are about joining two people, not a party and showing off to everyone else.” SnooPeppers1641
Another User Comments:
“Gonna go against the grain here and say that ESH.
He’s the jerk for knowing you well enough to know what your comfort levels are with the proposal and still moving forward with it anyway.
YTJ because you seem to have this belief that the proposal is all about what you want.
Marriage is going to be a constant compromise. Partners should feel like they’re equal. And did you ever think to ask him what his picture-perfect proposal would look like?
Sure, you have an idea of the intimate proposal that you want.
But have y’all ever had a conversation about what he wants?
OP, please don’t expect your fiance and future husband to bend to your every whim. He’s just as much a part of this as you are, and if you both didn’t discuss what you want out of a proposal, this engagement seems somewhat one-sided.
My partner and I have not only discussed the prospect of marriage, but we’ve also discussed venue, dates, and rings. We talked about who we’d want present at the proposal and had to compromise on who we’d want to share that special moment with.
But in the end, what matters is that we talked about it, and took each other’s feelings into consideration.
I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted, but I hope you realize sooner rather than later that the wedding will not and should not be all about what you want.
You both need to be communicating about what you expect out of this wedding.” Arlitto
Another User Comments:
“Your partner is a jerk. He knew you didn’t want a public proposal, he knew the mere thought of it made you uncomfortable, yet he still tried to force you into the position.
It’s not like he was worried you’d say no and was using the crowd to compel a yes from you, and he wasn’t doing it for your benefit, he was doing it for his own ego.
“so he was going to do it otherwise we would’ve wasted everyone’s time and money coordinating and getting them down there.”
“He says I’m making a big deal of it when we both know I would have said yes and that I’m being ungrateful because any other woman would kill for a partner who would go through the trouble to make a grand gesture.”
“He said he won’t consider proposing again until I apologize for embarrassing him and promise to chill out about my preferences in the future.”
No mention of doing it with the friends and family because you were marrying into each other’s families, no mention of anything even remotely love-related; it’s all about money and his ego.
He’s upset that you embarrassed him, but can’t understand that a proposal in front of 75 people would have embarrassed you? Look, I’m that person that immediately leaves at the first red flag, so I say drop him.
He’s obviously more ego-driven than anything else, and this sets a mood for the marriage you both spoke about.” Reddit User
2. AITJ For Refusing To Go To My Own Sister's Wedding?
Either way, there’s going to be an argument.
“I am 20 (f), and my sister 24 (f) and I have had a massive argument about me having a plus one.
She got engaged a year ago and I believe she is only getting married for the financial benefits.
She has spent 25k on her wedding after taking a loan out. She had asked me and our younger sibling to be bridesmaids which we both initially said yes to.
She then started ordering us to pay for our own makeup/hair/dresses. Which we cannot afford as I am currently going through hard times. She pressured me into getting makeup, but I refused which started this whole situation off.
I 20 (f) got with my partner in February 2022 after talking for 2 months. I have now moved in with him and planning our future together. I had asked nicely if I could have a plus one as I know the guy I’m with is my forever.
She then responded you are not allowed a plus one since she can’t ‘afford it.’
She is letting her MOH and another bridesmaid have a plus one. Which neither of them has partners and hasn’t for years!
I have now told her I won’t be attending her wedding in October 2023, and I won’t attend her bachelorette party because she won’t let me have a plus one.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for deciding not to go to the wedding as long as you understand that it will affect your relationship with your sister – if you are still a bridesmaid, slight YTJ because you made a promise and no one is owed a plus one.
Your sister probably should give you one, but it is what it is.
That said YTJ for being judgemental about how much she is spending on her wedding. I suspect you are just mad at how she’s treating you which is why you sound like that in your post but it’s her life, her decision (and her hubby-to-be’s).
Mind you, I think spending that much on a wedding, one day is stupid. I think it is even more stupid to start your marriage with wedding debt. I also think the custom of making your wedding party spend hundreds, sometimes thousands of bucks for the “honor” of being in someone’s wedding (no matter who they are) is selfish and cruel.
However, that’s the decision of the couple. It is the responsibility of invitees to either say yes or no to the invite (being asked to be in the wedding is also an invitation, not an obligation).
It is the responsibility of the bride/groom to graciously accept that no is a complete answer.” Alien-Variation-1970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister is being petty. Wanting you to buy all this extra stuff to look perfect for her wedding, which I get her wanting her bridesmaids and the whole wedding to look perfect, but she can’t be angry with you because you can’t afford the things she wants you to have.
That’s unrealistic. I say she is being petty because she said you can’t have a plus one because “you can’t afford to.” So she isn’t saying you can’t have a plus one because she doesn’t like your partner or because she just doesn’t want an extra guest. She said it because you said you couldn’t afford all the extras she expects you to buy for her wedding.
So NTJ: sister is being petty so I wouldn’t go either. No one has time for petty bridezillas who have to take a loan out for a wedding. Not everyone wants to go into debt with her just so she can have her dream wedding.” Frequent_Couple5498
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Your sister sucks for trying to pressure you into paying for stuff you couldn’t afford.
You suck for saying she’s getting married to show off how much money she has when she had to take out a loan to be able to pay for her wedding.
You also suck for giving your sister an ultimatum to include your plus one, when it’s her wedding and she gets to choose who’s there and who isn’t.
I think you’re acting incredibly childish.
It’s one thing to not attend the wedding because you can’t afford the dress/makeup/hair but it’s another thing if you’re solely not attending because she can’t “afford” your guest.” CaptainManButAWoman
1. AITJ For Refusing To Put My Husband On The Title Of Our House?
“First some important info: I (30F) have been married to my husband (34M) for 8 years now. We live in a culture where you never combine your finances after marriage (some do, but they are the exception to the rule).
Also in the event of a divorce, there is nothing like common property or anything like that. You keep what you bought and anything that has your name on it.
We met while we were studying, graduated the same year, and have the same (primary) income (I do some freelance work). We are so in tune with everything except how to spend money, and he likes to travel while I am a homebody.
Since the first day of marriage, I proposed that we share the expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, cleaning lady…) equally (even though culturally the man is responsible for all of them) then we should have a savings account to save for a house.
He didn’t want to save for a house; he said that his earnings are better spent on experiences, and anyway, there is nothing wrong with renting until we are in our 50s, then we can buy a house.
In the end, we agreed to have a shared account for expenses, then whatever is left is ours to do with what we want.
He tends to take at least 2 weekend trips with his friends, staying in expensive hotels, going to concerts… Also even though I cook almost every meal at home, most times he would just order out for lunch or dinner.
I also go on weekend trips with my friends, but they are more day trips to the beach, hiking in the mountains, scuba diving… Each trip costs less than a tenth of what his trips do.
Well, I have been saving for all of these 8 years, and now I am about to close on a small apartment and pay it in full (no interest or monthly payments).
The plan is to live there, save what I am used to saving plus what I used to spend on rent, buy a bigger house, and rent this apartment for extra income.
And now he wants me to add his name to the deed. I flat out told him no, he didn’t want to save, he didn’t put a cent towards the house, so his name does not go on the deed. I also told him that I plan to buy a bigger house, and now that he doesn’t have to pay rent, he can save and put his share towards the next house, then he can have his name on the deed of the house.
Well, he called me a jerk, said that this is not what it meant to be married, and took some days off to go on a trip to “cool off.”
I don’t think I am a jerk, but I also tend to be stubborn when it comes to what I perceive as financial irresponsibility. So AITJ?
PS: I am not a miser; I still paid for romantic outings, bought him gifts just because I see something he might like, went on one expensive trip a year with him (usually abroad)… etc. I just saved a lot too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When he pays half, he can own half.
And if he’s not on board with saving for a house with you, you need to charge him rent for living in your apartment.
Alternatively, him living rent-free in your apartment could be paid for by him bringing you on some of his trips on his dime – if you’re at all interested.
Mostly I think you should just divorce him.
Separate finances are great, but he wants his earnings for himself, and he wants your earnings for himself, so I think you should seriously consider having not just separate finances but separate lives.” JemimaAslana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ,
If I were you, I would charge him rent for staying there and add it to your savings for the next house. He wants to live a bachelor’s life while claiming your savings as his.
Think about it logically: if you wouldn’t have saved up like how you did, you’d still be renting, and he would be paying his share, and this is your return on your investment.
He needs to pay the same till he stops his frivolous expenses and contributes to buying a house. If he wants to spend on those “experiences,” that’s on him, but you shouldn’t be expected to subsidize his vacations for him.
Make a logical and sound financial choice. The other option if you want is to continue renting while putting the house you bought on rent as well, whichever makes more financial sense for you, but under no circumstances should you let him put his name on the deed to YOUR house or let him live for free there.
As for his comment about this is not what being married means throw it back into his face saying being married doesn’t mean handing out free crap to partners who have contributed zilch towards it.
Coming from a logical and financial point, he is just trying to get assets which he has no claim towards, so in case you’ll separate, he can claim ownership on it as well and get some bucks from it.” stunkshoezz
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s a marriage; you are supposed to share things 50/50 even when the contributions aren’t perfectly equal. I know I will get downvoted for this, but everyone here saying NTJ would be calling you the jerk if the genders were switched. Everyone here has such ridiculous double standards.” molbionerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Buying a house is different than going on a trip. What if something happened to you? You said there is no concept of shared property in your country, so if you were killed in a car accident tomorrow, he’d lose you and his home on the same day?
Would you really want that for him?
Honestly, doesn’t sound like you two are really married. You sound more like roommates. I understand wanting to keep personal expenses separate, but from what you describe, it doesn’t seem like you do anything fun together.
You have your friends, and he has his. Your lives are totally separate.” radswanson
It's not all about you and your needs.
Your mom sounds like she's being supportive. So she was "bummed" when you changed. OK. I assume she got over it and sounds generally supportive. She has a tat which she covers in your presence but no, that's not good enough for you. The knowledge of its "presence" bothers you. Well guess what? Maybe the knowledge that you were born one sec and are now another bothers your mother, but she's dealing with it.
Try thinking about someone other than yourself for a change. It makes for a much nicer all around person.
And tell your c