People Await Our Opinions On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Not Wanting To Renovate My Bedroom?
“I (23 M) have a significant other (20 M) and we’ve been together for roughly 3 years. So, I personally think that it’s ok to have different tastes, but he, on the other hand, seems to be pretty annoyed that sometimes I don’t participate in things that are ‘important’ for him just because I don’t have the same tastes (such as spending my whole salary to watch Miley Cyrus’s shows).
It happens mainly because I haven’t got that much money, so I sometimes have to spend it wisely. Also, I think it’s fair to use some of my money to make things that bring me some joy, even though sometimes it’s expensive, such as watching some Broadway shows. But in his own words, ‘I only spend on myself and never with him.
And I also never support him’.
That is not true, I’ve paid his tuition for 1 year completely alone, with no help, all with my work and also generating some debt for me. I mean, he is the love of my life, it’s the least I could do to help him achieve his objectives.
I also have paid for dining out, cinema, Disney+, snacks, and food for almost our entire relationship, since I was working as an English teacher and he was unemployed. (Keep in mind that teachers in my country generally get minimum wage).
Tonight he wanted to renovate our bedroom. He wanted to paint the walls, change our furniture, etc…
Well, where I live, people don’t usually just give away things as some people do in America, so we would have to pay for everything. I told him that we don’t have the budget and that our bedroom wasn’t the best, but it was functional. Once again, he claims I never support him.
When I confronted him, he said I was making things up, manipulating him and that I was invalidating his feelings. I said it wasn’t true, and that I’d done so much for him.
Now he is very angry and says he is going to move from our house so at least nobody would judge him for everything.
This really brought me down.
So… Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to do something just because he wants it done.
Honestly let him move out if he feels that way. Or if it really doesn’t matter to you, let him renovate the bedroom out of his pocket (make sure he has no access to your bank accounts, can’t get credit cards in your name, etc) and stop paying for his tuition and for all the food, etc. He’s not your child, it’s not on you to take care of him.
to be honest you’re probably better off just breaking up with him if he’s just sponging off your funds.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – to be honest, look at it like the trash carrying out itself. He’s clearly projecting and doing the stuff to you he’s blaming you for.
Don’t fall for his manipulation. I’m quite sure he doesn’t really want to move out. He’s using it to blackmail you. If you let him he will use it over and over again. He has to learn he can’t use love to force you to do stuff.” MadMaid42
22. AITJ For Taking My Friend's Neglected Fish?
“On the weekends, I usually visit my friends and stay over (college things). Only one is really relevant here, so we’ll call her Erin.
When they moved in in August and I came over for the first time, I noticed there was a small box near the front door holding about two inches of brown liquid.
There was a fish floating in the water. I asked Erin about it, and she said he was her fish but she didn’t want to care for him. She had left him like that over the summer and not fed him to see if he would survive, but he was still alive somehow so she was planning to euthanize him soon with clove oil.
I offered to refurbish the real tank she owned, and she agreed.
$80 and some work later and I had a nice setup for the little guy. I couldn’t do much in the way of care since I don’t live there, but I talked to Erin and she said she’d feed him and thanked me for fixing his tank.
I mentioned that I would be willing to take him over the summer so he doesn’t end up in that situation again. She agreed.
Fast forward a few months and my friend says that she’s been feeding the fish. Erin didn’t feed him even once according to her roommates.
His tank was dirty and not maintained. I did what I could when I was there, but I’m only there some weekends and can’t control anything in the meantime. My friends fed him, but they mostly said that he wasn’t their responsibility because they don’t own the fish.
Some time in here some drama happened that caused Erin and me to stop talking.
The semester ends next week and they’re all moving out, so this Sunday I was grabbing some of my things from the house. As I was leaving, I passed the fish’s tank and saw it was, again, low on water.
His fins were torn up and he was just laying there. I got annoyed and decided that this was close enough to summer. I grabbed his stuff (all of which I purchased), gathered the little guy up, and told my friends what was happening. I bought a tank, did as much research as I could find on betta care, and set him up a nice little home.
Today, Erin blew up my phone about stealing her fish, calling me a thief, and saying I was ridiculous and petty. I replied that she’d given me permission eight months ago to take him for the summer and that I only took the things I bought aside from the fish.
She screenshotted everything I said and never replied, but she’s been saying some pretty harsh stuff about me to her partner and roommates.
The reason I think I might be the jerk is that I did kinda kidnap the fish. I didn’t give Erin any warning. After our friendship fell out, it was pretty clear that she wouldn’t want me taking the fish anymore, and I knew that when I took him.
Also, the fish isn’t doing very well right now. Between the neglect, his damaged fins, and shock, I don’t know if he’ll survive. My fear is that I might have killed him in the process of trying to save him, and that’s causing some serious guilt.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a living creature and deserves to be cared for properly. If she had not fed a dog or cat for months to ‘see if it would survive’ then she could be arrested in my country. It’s just a shame people consider fish life of much less value.
Just tell her it is gone and enjoy your new pet. Betta are great, they have such a personality and it will look amazing once it is healed and in a healthy environment.” Azzulah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t steal her fish you rescued a neglected animal. And if it passes away, it’s because of that neglect, not you.
If Erin wasn’t feeding the fish then the roommates aren’t likely to really care about what she’s saying about you. But if they do, having seen the neglect themselves, do you really care? Do you want friends like that?” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“If we look at it from the angle of you just wanting to save the fish, then you are NTJ.
I suggest you get some witness testimonies about how Erin neglected this fish from the people who have seen it. It would be good if you actually documented the condition of the fish before you took it and its current condition that resulted from that neglect. Best if you had documented Erin when she said she did not want to care for it.
That way, you might have a case against her if she actually tries to escalate the issue.” PacifistWarFreak
21. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Friend?
“A year before this argument took place, my friend, R (M18) had gotten out of a one-year relationship (to be honest, he got dumped). Prior to their breakup, the relationship was pretty toxic as they often argued which led to them impulsively breaking up. And then R would always beg for his ex to get back together a few hours later, to which she would usually agree.
This happened about 3 times per week for 3 months before she called it off for good.
While he obviously didn’t take it too well, our friends and I were low-key glad for him as we all saw how toxic it was. R also made it a promise to himself and us that he will begin working on himself and set these goals for himself.
- Lose weight.
- Learn to invest, and be a millionaire by 18.
- Win his ex back.
But over the year, he didn’t exactly seem to be working on any of his goals except for number 3. He would often text her, only to get blocked and he would find her in real life to get her to unblock him, showing up at her school uninvited, sometimes asking us to hangout near where she lived, and often got angry when he saw that she was hanging out with guys.
Obviously, my friends and I saw how messed up this is and would try to tell him to get over his breakup and stop stalking her but he would always aggressively blow them off. However, in my case, he’s less aggressive and more willing to listen to my advice though he doesn’t really follow them.
This went on for a year, and he’s still keeping up with the same creepy stuff he’s been pulling. Then one day, he sends me a Tiktok to tease me for being skinny and severely underweight. I was having a bad day at work and thus, was irritated so, in retaliation, I sent him a text calling him out for the following: using inertia to justify why he’s not over a year-long breakup; calling his ex insensitive for ghosting him when all she’s trying to do is move on; genuinely believing he can achieve his millionaire by 18 dreams when he spends a lot on unnecessary items; not having a job, but spending thousands on a computer setup paid for by his mother (who is a single mom and juggling 2-3 part-time jobs); thinking the only way he can get his ex’s attention is for him to trash-talk her on his stories when she’s not obliged to give him any; ranting to us about his mother for cooking fattening food for him when he himself doesn’t set diet restrictions for himself when he eats with us.
He obviously did not take that very well and lashed out at me for being small-minded and childishly mocked me for never having had a significant other (maybe he thought it was the reason why I didn’t understand his struggles. in reality I did but just didn’t tell him about her and admittedly, I did handle my own breakup better than he did).
Our friends know about this fight and while they agree with me and think what I said was facts, I can’t help but think I’m the jerk for responding in such a petty manner.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend seems insecure and miserable and is trying to make everyone else feel the way he does.
You lashing out is only because of how he’s treating you, and after a while, we all have our limits right? It’s always best to surround yourself with people who will lift you up to help you get up rather than tear you down to bring you down to their level.
If he can’t find some sense of self-security, he’s only gonna be a toxic friend that gets worse.” Top_Ladder6702
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true and it’s something he really needed to hear. He needs help and you need to drop him as a friend until he learns to not be such a jerk.
I feel sorry for his ex. Clearly one of them worked on themselves and the other one just wants to keep whining and not put any work into bettering themselves.” smolshypotato
20. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Instead Of Taking Care Of My Grandma?
“I’m a 20-year-old college student and I live with my grandparents at the moment because my school is closed.
Recently my grandmother had a stroke and basically, everything just hit the fan. I’m sort of just caught in the middle since there isn’t a lot I can do right now other than keeping the house nice.
I understand things are weird and are going to be for a little while. So while all this is happening I decide to call my mom because I was getting worried not just about her but my concerns about other issues that may arise that would impact me. I mentioned I should probably just move out on my own as soon as possible.
This in hindsight was probably a bad idea since now there is more and more pressure being put on me to stay and help take care of her. Like making dinner and cleaning their house and such. I keep trying to say I have work and school and that as much as I love her and my grandpa, I’ve already been delayed in my schooling due to getting stuck in another country in 2020 and I can’t just stop now.
I keep getting called selfish and told that all I care about is my own self and stuff like that despite the fact I really do want the best for her and I want her taken care of. I just don’t think that person can be me right now.”
Another User Comments:
“Short-term, yes, helping out is great. But, depending on your grandmother’s prognosis and her health in general, she could require significant medical care for years. You’re just starting out with your own life. If you interrupt your schooling now, it could impact you for the rest of your life.
I’m sure it’s great for your family that you’re there, on the ground, to assume responsibility.
They can go on with their own lives, comforted that you’re there. But it isn’t great for you. It’s not sustainable, and it shouldn’t be solely your responsibility. The family needs to come together and come up with a plan that doesn’t involve your being the designated caregiver.
Definitely NTJ.” Arbor_Arabicae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is not your responsibility, and you have a right to live your own life. Your parents are responsible for taking care of their parents. You might eventually need to care for your own parents, but now you’re only 20yo and need to have your own life.
Don’t give way to the pressure. I hope you can find a way forward.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are a young student and while it’s nice to help out a little bit, it’s truly not your responsibility to care for her by yourself. Give them an inch and they’ll want a mile.
Offer to help on certain days during certain hours and see how that goes. I’m a hospice nurse and I can tell you that being a caregiver is an exhausting job, especially for a family member.” LoveBeach8
19. AITJ For Backing Out Of Helping Out For My Own Sanity?
“I’m gay. My family of origin is SUPER Mormon. For years I’ve tried to make excuses for the ways that they were awful to me and my wife because of our relationship.
I figured they are just as brainwashed if not more so as I was and that it was understandable that they would behave the way they did because of what they were taught from the pulpit. I knew that my family was good and loving people and that someday they would understand us and our love, we just had to keep showing them that I was still the same person.
Meanwhile, my wife is getting more and more hurt by my behavior, and understandably so.
Finally, things snapped. I was in the darkest place mentally that I have ever been and I went to therapy. By doing a lot of deconstruction work and trauma therapy, I came to realize that it doesn’t matter what people are taught about me, what matters is how they treat me and how I treat people.
The maltreatment was never excusable.
Fast forward to today. It’s my mom’s 60th birthday and things are genuinely beginning to heal. My family has come to understand that there is no excuse for the way they behaved and have been receptive to me talking about what happened and how it’s affected me, my wife, our life, and our family.
A very good thing. My dad and sisters have been planning a surprise party for several weeks and I haven’t done much to help other than contributing money towards the event center fees. When we were told about their plan my wife and I immediately said we would not be at the actual event because the size of the guest list was not something we were comfortable with.
However, I don’t think that was taken seriously. I did however say that I would help with the event.
Here’s where I think I’m the jerk: a couple of hours before I was supposed to go down to help with setting up I had a massive panic attack. I didn’t want to act like everything was perfect and my mom never did things that were mentally and emotionally abusive.
She’s apologized and we’re working through the past, but history exists and it’s hard and it will take time to heal. I also couldn’t stomach the thought of being around extended family and former church congregation members who were also emotionally abusive. I wrote those people off and was quite happy never to see them again.
I feel horrible for not going down to help, but good about protecting my and my little family’s mental well-being.
AITJ? Should I have just sucked it up?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I’m glad you and your family are trying to heal, trauma is always valid and trauma recovery is not linear.
We’re taught to ‘s*****t up’ but it’s better for us to protect ourselves and honor how we feel in the moment. And you are under no obligation to put yourself in a scenario that could potentially re-traumatize you.” GlitterBee123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Panic attacks can be caused by traumatic triggers and, in my opinion, is your brain screaming ‘NO DON’T MAKE ME.’ Sometimes you can take a moment to say buck up Jerry, we’re going for a ride today and other times you stare at a venue’s door and have a complete mental breakdown and just nope all the way out.
Both valid. Hopefully one day you can go for the ride; it just isn’t the time now.” Kitkatachu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you have trauma that you’re trying to force yourself to get over and your body and mind reminded you that you are still affected. Do not be an emotional hostage.
You have an absolute right to place your mental health and well-being over people that are the cause of it declining.” OdaGoated
18. AITJ For Asking My Sister For Advice On How To Help My Friend?
“My (14m) friend (14m) has had a rough year, and he talks to me about his problems how he’s feeling, his day, etc. Sometimes I ask my sister (16f) how I can help, and even though she’s close with him I try to leave out personal details or things I know he won’t feel comfortable with like ‘What should I do if I have a friend who feels they have been left out’ or ‘My friend isn’t feeling well today so what can I do to help?’
I haven’t told her who my friend is but I think she knows because her room is next to mine and we’re not exactly quiet when we’re on call (I apologize to my family if I get out of hand and start getting loud). Anyway, my other friend (15m) starts berating me for sharing personal details after he saw a text on my phone from her responding to me, and I told him 1) it’s none of his business and 2) I don’t share personal details by asking vague questions to someone I trust. Now he won’t talk to me.
AITJ?
Edit: He is Depressed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s hard to know how to help at that age. I learned based on experience. Dealt with unmedicated massive depression for years. I learned how to deal with it from most other people. I also asked a lot of people ‘what should I do?’ 14 is a tough age.
Everything hits at once and you’re lost. Everyone expects you to know where your life is headed. Puberty changes and all that.
You’re NTJ for asking your sister. And I’ll bet you she knows based on how you talk about them. But she is not saying anything out of respect for his privacy.
Willing to just give you good advice for your friend that you probably love and care deeply for. Your friend is the jerk for snooping on your phone and being nosey about it. It’s not his place.” Wyomingite_Kyra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s smart of you to ask for help from a trusted source such as a sibling.
As a big sister, I’m relieved when my brother comes to me for advice. it’s obvious you trust her, and you’re really young so you should never deal with mental health problems alone, whether yours or your friend’s.” SunflowerWarmSocks
17. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Brother Doesn't Get Treated The Same As Me?
“I am 18f, my brother is 16m. I used to help around the house with chores until this year.
The reason is because I changed my whole schedule, my study time, etc, just so I could help my mom with work. Then I came to know that my work had no value. She would always portray me as this useless and fat and lazy girl who doesn’t help around the house.
I am a little big so yeah. And people believe her because I’m fat and just because I’m fat means I don’t help her. I was really disheartened to know what my mom felt.
Anyways, when I was 16, I would turn my whole life around and help my mom with chores and everything.
Now my brother is 16 and she doesn’t tell him to do anything. I am literally so annoyed. I stopped helping my mother because it just makes me feel really stupid. She doesn’t tell him anything and he doesn’t even contribute. Right now as well he’s lying on the couch and scrolling on his phone.
I ended up helping my mom today because she’s not well. However, I woke up to her screaming at me because I was sleeping late (I was really tired yesterday). My brother was already awake and she didn’t ask for help from him. She says ‘he’s too young to work’ like, please.
All he does is lie around the house and order other people. ‘Hey, OP, can you get my earphones from the other room’, ‘Hey OP, can you get me some water’, ‘Hey OP, come to this room please, yes can you please turn on the charger’.
I am aware that this is typical sibling behavior but he just does not contribute and in spite of that, I stopped helping my mom.
Dad is not in the picture he’s always out of the house. I feel bad for not helping my mom but if I don’t help her, she doesn’t ask my brother to help.
I’m still learning how to do stuff around the house. If I do something wrong, I am not even made aware of it.
My mom just screams at me or says some awful words about how I’m not like other girls who are skinny and help their mothers. She doesn’t help me rectify my mistake and it takes longer for me to understand what I did wrong. I don’t know what to do.
So, like, I am aware of being a jerk, but what do you guys think of the situation? And I cannot help my mom every day because I have my classes at the University and I leave in the morning.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re in an emotionally abusive situation, and in situations like that people are prone to blaming themselves for falling short of the impossible standards put out when their abusers set them up to fail.
Your mother constantly undermines your confidence, treats your weight as if it’s a reflection of your character (it’s not) and thus somehow devalues everything you do, and enforces an unfair double standard with your brother. You have tried and tried and tried to appease her by doing everything she wanted of you, and it’s still not enough.
It will never be enough because it’s not about how much you do or do not genuinely contribute.
It’s about her needing a target.
You could drop down to a size 2 overnight and she would still find flaws with your appearance, and then twist that into somehow finding flaws with everything else you do.
No wonder your dad’s always out of the house.
If I were you, I’d do my best to get out, too. Is there anywhere you can stay, a friend or some such, until you can find a job and move out? Can you get into university dorms?” ColloidalSylver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Mocking you and lying about you to her friends for sympathy big red flag. I’m sorry but your mom needs to hear this, tell her everything and if she starts to yell, stay calm and look at her like she is being a child, and point out that it’s not the behavior of an adult to scream like a toddler when things don’t go her way.
Then walk away and try to have the conversation another time. If she keeps yelling, keep walking away. Don’t reward her bad behavior by letting her get to yell at you, you are above that. It might seem cold, but it will slowly take the power away from her and force her to have an honest conversation.” No_Cream7607
16. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Get Out Of My Room?
” I (14FTM) hate my mother. When I was younger, around 5-6, it was rare for me to see her since she would be at work/college, and me in elementary school.
I lived with my grandparents at this time and they were no better than my mother.
The basic normal days at that time for me were basically a routine. A chore even. It would be like this constantly: wake up, make breakfast, walk to school (sometimes get a ride if lucky enough), be at school, get a ride to a martial arts place and basically be there for the rest of the day (which I believe my mother put in the curriculum just so I was busy until she was done with work but I don’t have full info on that), go home, make myself dinner, play games for a bit, sleep.
My current routine is still like this, just without the martial arts place and me being currently homeschooled.
When I was at home or it was a day on the weekends, it was like a survivor of the fittest. If you don’t make your own food, you don’t get food.
My grandmother stayed in her bed all the time, my mother worked all the time, and my grandfather watched TV all the time. My dad wasn’t anywhere in my life until I was around 12 when he came back and decided to be a good dad.
He still doesn’t have any custody over me, my mother got a place of her own, moving out of my grandparents’ place.
Enough with the context, let’s get into play.
So I’m chilling in my room, talking to my friends on discord, when all of a sudden my mother barges into my room. Confused, I ask her if she needs something, to which she replies ‘no, just looking at my beautiful baby Angel.’
I asked her to stop, cause it was really weird for me and she says ‘no! I am your mother, if I want to look at you I will look at you!’
Me: Well can you please just not?
Her: Y’know, you used to call me mommy all the time!
Why don’t you go back to that? It’ll be like old times!
Me: No. Please get out of my room.
Her: Don’t back talk to me! I paid for you to have that phone and this room! You could sleep in the living room for all I care!
After that, she started complaining about how she missed when I was younger, how she wants her ‘little girl’ and ‘where is my little girl!’ and then complains about me ignoring her because of ‘that phone.’ Which made me start to feel bad, and upset that she still called me a girl after I came out to her as a Male.
So, AITJ?
Edit: no, my mother does not drink. She hates drinking more than anything.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Next time she says ‘I miss my little girl’ just reply with ‘You never had a little girl in the first place, all you had was extra baggage so you dumped off with my grandparents who treated me like a roommate so you don’t get that right and even if I was still a little girl WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY I’M MALE SO GET USED TO IT!
I got older and that time has passed. You missed it so just leave me be until I graduate then I can be out of your hair for good.'” Littl3All3YCaT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please don’t feel the need to associate with her for the rest of your life.
If you tell her your boundaries and she continues to disrespect them then she doesn’t deserve a son. You are worth more than constantly doing mental gymnastics just because someone was involved in your birth. Respect does not come with her doing what she is supposed to do (feeding you, giving you clothes, paying for things, etc).” Pangolin-stars
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to learn how to better manage your mom, how to redirect her without confrontation.
It’s a hard thing but pays dividends. For good or bad we mostly all are stuck with our birth parents and learn to use humor over hard conflicts that inevitably lead to them pulling the parent card (I pay for everything).
You are not in an equal relationship, that’s just how it works.” Theost520
15. WIBTJ If I Tell My Roommate That Her Partner Has Been Staying In Our Apartment Too Often?
“I live in a shared apartment with two other girls and one of them has a partner that spends too much time here.
I won’t get into many details for privacy reasons but to give you some background he sometimes has to travel because of his work and stays one month in another estate. This is leading to a loop that consists in him being here for weeks with a few days of a break between one another when he has to leave (because they need to spend time together before his trip) and then when he comes back (because they miss each other so much, of course).
Last Thursday he came back from his last trip, came here to surprise her and still hasn’t left. And no, neither he nor his partner asked if he could stay this long.
Why this a problem: 1, privacy – this was supposed to be a girl’s apartment and when he is here we lose the liberty of doing certain stuff such as leaving the bathroom in a towel and going to the kitchen with our cute little pajamas and so on; 2, the bills – here where we live we pay for gas and water.
By logic, the more people using it the more expensive it gets (and let me add that the gas here is already super expensive); 3, we have a rule for visitors – only two times a week, but she doesn’t seem to care or adopt (she is the newest in the apartment).
Why I think I may be the jerk: because like I said before, her partner travels and I get that couples that are in love miss each other and want to spend time together. He also isn’t messy or disrespectful, so she can argue that his presence here isn’t even thaaaaaat noticeable.
However, I feel like they could balance it by her being more in his house since she is his partner and part of his family now, I guess. So, WIBTJ if I tell her he needs to spend less time in the house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he should be contributing if he’s staying long periods of time and she should also be consulting her roommates before he stays over.
Do you guys have apartment rules? Maybe now is a good time to set some up!” Primary_Ad69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The privacy issue is huge & there’s a rule about guests. The bills, obviously, are a very real issue, but they may feel like ‘Well if he takes part of the bills, then he’s contributing & it’s all ok’ when it’s the excessive presence of a man in the flat that is the larger problem.
Definitely you & the 3rd flatmate should bring this up.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s breaking the rules. She’s basically moved in her partner against the visitor rule and he’s increased the gas and water without paying for it. Not cool.
I’d leave out the towels etc stuff at this point cause that comes off kind of petty and just focus on the utilities and the visitor rule she’s not upholding.
Then you and the other roommate need to have a chat with her. Sounds like the options are that he stops coming around for overnights, she moves out, and the two of you get a new roommate or you two find a new place and she can find two new roommates (I might do some prep on the lease, etc before you decide which of the latter two to tell her).” Annual-Contract-115
At the very least he needs to contribute to the rent and bills in the weeks that he is there. He's essentially there full time. Is he paying rent in the other place or is work paying for him. Sure it would suck to have to pay rent all the time on the other place as well as rent at your place (but only the weeks he's there). The other option is your housemate move into his estate and you find someone to replace her but I'm guessing it's a distance away.
The other thing I would consider is playing her at her game and pretending that he's not there. If you want to wear cute pj's then do so. She may get jealous which may prompt her to think about whether he should be there pretty much full time. You didn't agree for him to move in because you had a way you were living that you were happy with. She can't have it both ways.
14. AITJ For Naming My Cat My Friend's Nickname?
“So, two weeks ago, we adopted a small cat, and after my father didn’t like the initial name for being too long. They renamed her with a name that in my language is a diminutive of another name (or another way of calling people with that name). Back then I noticed that was the way we sometimes called my friend, but didn’t think too much about it, and my family didn’t know this.
But when I told my friend my cat’s name, she asked me why I didn’t tell them to change it, because that is how people sometimes refer to her. And that it is disrespectful to keep the cat’s name as it is.
So now I don’t know what to do, she doesn’t come here often so I don’t think they will interact at all, but I also fear resentment from my friend.
And there is also a chance that she will forget about it but I’m not sure.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did not do it deliberately nor are you in charge of naming the family cat. What’s done is done.
She can think it’s disrespectful or think it’s an honor.
Unfortunately, it will take some maturity to realize that it’s neither. It is just simply not about her.
Well done on you guys for adopting, by the way!” MonkeyMagic1968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t see it as disrespectful for a cat to be named the same as someone’s occasional nickname.
This isn’t your friend’s legal name or even the name she is frequently called. It’s a nickname. She also doesn’t come over often outside of you having a cat. This is not a problem. Your friend is making a mountain out of a molehill.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘Look, Katherine, just because folks call you Katie doesn’t mean you own the name and folks have to get your approval to use it for someone else.’
And if she wants to be resentful etc then she’s the one that can walk away. Shouldn’t be that hard since she’s rarely there” Annual-Contract-115
13. AITJ For Doing 90% Of The Group Work?
“About a month ago, my professor assigned a group project for me and two other teammates to complete in four weeks.
This is a final project so it counts for a big chunk of my grade. The project is split into 5 sections, so what ended up happening was I got two sections, teammate 1 got 2 sections, and teammate 2 got one section. Also, all 5 sections have to be working to get ANY points.
I did my two sections in the first week and a half, and it took me a while. It’s a coding assignment, so we have a GitHub repository (kind of like a way to share code between people) that we have to commit to whenever we update the code. Throughout the four weeks, I have encouraged and asked them to push their code to GitHub, but there’s only been one commit so far from each of them totaling about 4 lines of code.
For some perspective, the project is now ~1500 lines of code by me. It’s now 2 days until the assignment is due and nobody besides me has done anything. They’ve failed to show up to team meetings for the last two weeks as well, and they have had (believable) excuses for each, but have not responded to my requests to schedule a new time either… Over the past few days I ended up doing both of teammate # 1’s sections because of the time limit, and teammate 2 has made a fair bit of progress on his section but it’s far from done so I may just end up doing the rest of it myself.
Though, he did say he’d work on it tomorrow (36 hrs before the deadline) which is a little close for me.
The catch is, that the professor requires us to submit the GitHub commit history (record of who coded each part) as well as a project report that details who did what.
So my teammates might fail on account of that.
I feel like I gave them ample time to do their fair share of the work. I don’t hate them or anything and I certainly don’t want them to fail. But. I also don’t like doing all the stuff myself. There’s no way I’m gonna let them pass off my work as theirs on the project report.
AITJ for probably getting them a terrible grade without them realizing it? Or are they the jerks for not doing the work here? Maybe a bit of both?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your professor was probably trying to simulate the professional world, where a team relies on each other to get the whole job done.
Unfortunately, university students are on average less reliable than professionals, and you got two examples of this. Now might be a good time to contact your professor so they know ahead of time that this project is mostly yours. This is especially true if you think you might have a hard time making the deadline.” mermaldad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Group projects at school are generally terrible for this very reason. Being a leader is hard because you have to balance the need for giving each person their autonomy to work at their own pace, nagging them to get the work done, or talking to your supervisor when it’s not working out.
I’d like to say it is better in the workplace, I mean it generally is since people generally have the incentive of being paid to keep them participating. But there is often one dirtbag looking for a free ride.” gwendolberry
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cover your butt. Finish the work so all sections will get a grade.
Don’t count on this teammate to get it done and fail to do so. You can wait to commit your code until the last minute to give him a chance but have it ready to add.
Show the professor all the proof of who did what, conversations trying to get them to do any work, and so on.
Let the professor decide whether to give them a grade or fail them. But to be honest I’d be prepared to file a complaint if the professor gives them a grade for work they didn’t do, and just be ready to watch out for this in the real world.
Cause co-workers will be happy to do this on you.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say everyone sucks here. Your teammates are jerks because they’re not communicating or letting you know what they’re doing. But you also just did their part 36 hours before the deadline… A lot of college students don’t start until the actual day.
Yeah, that might stress you out, but you assigned parts and you need to trust that they’ll do it before the deadline.
If you guys had an agreement for which parts you were gonna do, and you had your GitHub commit history, why’d you do their part? The professor can see you doing your part and a quick email to him at the beginning or on the last day would have been much simpler.
Also, let’s say your teammates would have done their part. Now that you’ve already finished it for them, what can they do now if they don’t want to fail? Rewrite your work?
Sounds like they didn’t work the way you wanted them to and that made you upset, and you’re doing your best to fail them.
On the other hand, they need to be adults and let you know when they have time/when they expect to finish their part.” ShortLazyStoner
You are not responsible for them or their grades. You did your work AND a substantial share of both of theirs, and the professor will see that. Don't waste another thought on your teammates; they've dug their own graves.
12. AITJ For Refusing The Sandwich My Brother Got Me?
“I was with my dad and my little sister in the car and I was driving us home from work. Since I was the one driving I didn’t answer my phone when my brother called so he called my dad instead.
My dad told me that my bro was asking what sandwich I wanted out of the two options that he bought. I asked if he could order me a small pizza instead because I wasn’t a fan of sandwiches (I haven’t been for a while, we have a conversation about the sandwich almost every time because I used to like them before something about them changed) and he said he had already ordered the sandwiches and they are at home.
I said that it was alright and that I would make myself a grilled cheese sandwich and told him thank you anyways.
My mom from the other end said that I was being mean. Once I got home my mom asked me why I wasn’t eating the sandwich and I had to explain again why to which she said I was being mean again.
Am I missing something? I did thank him for the sandwich. I just didn’t want it. Did I have an attitude? To me, it just felt like, ‘Hey, it’s fine! We all make mistakes! You can have my sandwich for lunch tomorrow and I can make myself something!’ Everything seemed fine afterward… Like nothing happened. I’m just kind of confused about what happened cause stuff like this doesn’t really happen and all of us are pretty close.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve made it clear that you appreciated your brother’s act but that you simply didn’t eat the sandwich because you did not like it.
There’s nothing rude about that and I don’t think your brother has any reason to be offended by it. Although, that would depend on how you spoke (I’m just assuming you spoke nicely).
Best you talk to him about it, explain your side, repeat that you appreciate his caring act, and apologize if your refusal to eat the sandwich somehow offended him but you really just don’t like how it tastes (or whatever reason you have for not liking them).” PacifistWarFreak
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re never required to accept something you didn’t ask for. Especially if you thanked him and were overall nice about it. It’s odd that your family is so hung up about a sandwich though?” sonagoddess
11. AITJ For Insisting My Dad Take My Cat To The Vet After He Blew Smoke In Her Face?
“A few years back I (16F) got a cat. I love this cat more than anything, and I baby her because when we first got her she lost a leg due to an aggressive dog.
(Not saying all dogs are aggressive, just this one had a history of being aggressive, but that isn’t the point of this story.)
Recently I found my dad (43M) blowing smoke in her face, which can cause more complications for her health. I was so mad and confronted him. He said he thought it would help her as he did it to our old dog, Dohli (who passed away 4 years ago and was around 15).
I got really mad and told him that that wasn’t good for dogs or cats, (as I’ve read on the internet, but that may not be true) and I yelled at him that he shouldn’t be so irresponsible and do research before doing something like that to animals. I then told him that he should take her to the vet (he hates vets) to get a checkup and see if the smoke made anything bad happen.
He then brought my mother (40F) and brother (18M) into this, them both taking his side saying ‘He didn’t know!’ and ‘I was overreacting.’ I then took my cat, her bowl, and litter box and locked her in my room (which I admit in hindsight was an overreaction) and wouldn’t come out of my room for two days if I wasn’t getting food or water, or cleaning my cat’s litter box.
These two days were spent with my mother pounding on my door telling me to open it, and me crying because I was concerned about my cat. (I really wish I didn’t do this because it was a total overreaction.)
I then tried to have a civil talk with my family, saying how I’ve seen a lot of things on social media saying that people’s cats have gotten asthma or something when someone blew smoke in the cat’s face.
My family said I shouldn’t believe everything I read on social media, and that I was out of line suggesting my father take my cat to the vet, (the only reason he doesn’t like to go, to my knowledge, is because he says it’s awkward, so I don’t think it was out of line) and I should apologize.
I don’t think I’m in the wrong, but my opinion is biased, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Locking yourself in your room for two days – not sure how I feel about that. It sounds immature, but that could be circumstantial. Your family sounds kind of messed up, and without knowing them better I can’t judge THAT particular reaction.
The impression I get is your dad doesn’t like the vet because it’s expensive and he doesn’t like spending the money on it, not because it’s ‘awkward’. The vet isn’t awkward. At all.
I doubt your cat needs a vet visit from that one incident, so don’t worry too much on that front.
But you are correct – it’s not healthy to repeatedly do that to an animal.
Overall, it sounds like you could have handled this situation a bit better, but your entire family sounds like they have communication issues and poor decision-making skills.” MorganZero
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We have plenty of studies on the impact of secondhand smoke and I’m sure he’s aware of that – It’s almost impossible to be ignorant about it at this point.
I honestly can’t wrap my head around someone thinking that blowing smoke in any animal’s face (or even any human’s face, for that matter) would be ok let alone beneficial. I work with cats and birds for a living and we don’t even hire smokers because the residue from your hands will get on the cat’s fur which they then lick off when grooming themselves and that alone can cause health issues.
If he wants to potentially harm your cat’s health he should definitely foot the bill for it even if he doesn’t directly take your cat to the vet.
You may have overreacted a bit but honestly, I can’t say I would’ve behaved any differently, any good pet owner does the best they can and that whole situation sounds distressing.
I hope he’ll listen to your concerns and I might suggest doing some of your own research on the effect of smoke on animals. If you present this to him and have a conversation about it he might at least understand a bit better and will hopefully refrain from doing it in the future.
Best of luck to you and your kitty!” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, has your father some condition that affects his intelligence? If not he is a total jerk to smoke at home because it is widely known that smoke is poisonous for everyone (where I live it is written on every package of smoking equipment).
And blowing smoke straight into animals’ faces is cruel. It can cause many illnesses like cancer or lung diseases or significantly worsen existing health issues and overall health.
It’s like our neighbors they are chain smokers and by the 10 years, they lived in the same apartment building they buried their 3rd Frenchie because of lung malfunction at the age of 4.
They have two kids and the younger one is so mad at them because the vet told them that their dog’s passing was caused by smoking but unfortunately, it does not seem like animal cruelty by law so no one can stop them to cause pain to another puppy, their new pup is 2 and is already barely able to run.” It_s_just_me
10. WIBTJ If I Told My Ex That His Debt Is His Problem?
“My (42f) ex-husband (45m) and I have 4 incredible children. All 4 live with me, and I am pretty much their sole caregiver.
My ex told me that he would give me his entire tax refund because he claimed all of our children so that he could get a larger amount back. He promised to give me the full amount because he is VERY behind in child support (he hasn’t paid the full amount in over a year).
Today he asked me if he could keep almost half of it because he wants to get rid of debt, but ‘promised’ he would get me the rest of the funds when he could. There are a ton of reasons why I don’t think I’ll ever see the money, namely because he’s a pathological liar.
Would I be the jerk if I told him that his debt is his problem, and his children should come first?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if this man is so unreliable with finances, why are you letting him claim your kids?! You know that you can challenge the IRS when he does that and claim them yourself, right?
The tax credits are legally yours (they go to whoever has the kids more than 50% of the year), so you’re letting him take funds from your kids, and then giving him credit for giving it back to you, maybe, if he feels like it and doesn’t lie. You just have to show proof that you had the kids more than 50% of the year, like your custody agreement.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but it’s his tax refund and if he is in arrears then make sure that it’s documented that the refund is being used to pay off the child support debt. Otherwise what stops you from going after that fund still? If he isn’t paying on time maybe it’s time to take him back to court to get his wages garnished. And what happens when the taxman finds out he lied they will be recouping those funds and maybe jail time.
As said do everything by the books so the father of the year can’t do anything.” EspressoWolf
9. AITJ For Messing Around At Work?
“I work at a job where I supervise things. I had just gotten that role, so I was supervising trainees.
Our boss was there to make sure things ran smoothly. The owner of this job was also there but was not taking part in anything, so they were just kinda floating around doing nothing.
The other relevant supervisor was the only one doing anything. They took over absolutely everything, and nobody else really did anything other than review things the trainees did. Because of this, I was idly messing around in the back with the owner, who didn’t seem to mind whatsoever. Boss told me to stop (which I interpreted as a joking comment due to their voice and my neurodivergence.) so I did.
I kept messing around later again (because I thought they were joking) in a way that wouldn’t really disrupt the training. The other supervisor was doing everything anyway, right? Once again, the owner did not seem to mind whatsoever. I also made some joking comments to my trainee while reviewing them.
After the fact in a text group where we all talked, the boss told us in a general statement to just ‘act more mature.’ This wasn’t targeted at anyone, but I felt it was subtly throwing shade at me. I wanted to be responsible and own up to my actions but wanted to keep the mood light since it was the first training session and it went well.
So, in a light-hearted comment, I noted that they were totally talking about me.
Boss began to go on a long paragraph verbally berating me over my behavior and to ‘not start things with them’ when I really didn’t intend to, as well as the takeover supervisor making comments at me belittling me for my behavior.
They then brought up topics I didn’t know were wrong, saying they were NOT joking when they told me to stop, as well as chastising (I believe that’s the word) me for the jokes I made to my trainee. It sent me into a panic, and I profusely apologized. Nobody had told me this behavior was bad (other than that one comment from Boss) and Boss was doing the exact same thing while we were waiting for the trainees to do things.
Was I the jerk here? I went to the trainee I made the jokes to and profusely apologized to them, for their confusion. They thought the jokes were funny. I wasn’t able to look Boss in the eye for a while.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ
As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t mess around and assume anything on your first day on the job.
Follow your job description and keep it professional. When you get to know the people and the place better down the track, then you can get a feel for what’s ‘appropriate banter’ and whatnot. But right now, you’re on thin ice.
Also, doing next to nothing simply because ‘the other supervisor was doing everything anyway’ is really not a good look.
Offer to help. Be attentive. Your literal first day on the job but you’re acting way too bold and comfortable with the boss and supervisors.
Just because they are behaving a certain type of way does not mean it will be okay if you do. It’s nonsense but unfortunately, that’s how it is.
The ol’ ‘do as I say, not as I do.’
Take this as a learning curve. Now take a step back, take what they’ve said on board and think before you act next time. Keep it professional.” Cintorious
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, speak to your boss that you were goofing off with and explain your confusion, it may be that the person in question isn’t aware of your temperament and that you were playing around.
They could have misconstrued that as an attempt at causing internal dissension in the business.” UnconfirmedRooster
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. As someone who is also neurodivergent, social rules and interactions are very learned for me – what rules apply in what context, exceptions, cues, it’s all very analytical to me, like the rules of grammar.
It seems that when you’re trying to understand the situation your go-to response is humor (like in the group chat when you commented that this feedback was about you). This will not always serve you well (it can come across as dismissive of feedback), and it sounds like it should not be your default in this setting for the time being until you learn to read your managers and coworkers better.
I would suggest you try your best to explicitly follow their instructions and explain to them your confusion when the situation presents itself if the overbearing supervisor undermines your ability to follow instructions. Assuming the overbearing supervisor is going to impede you is not a good reason to not do anything.
You need to be able to back up your confusion with examples when this is actually happening, in real time, for them to understand why you are struggling to follow instructions. It’s also not acceptable to assume you don’t need to do anything because the other supervisor was already doing everything.
You need to take responsibility for the workload in equal parts.
I don’t fully understand (or need to understand) the chain of command here between all these bosses/supervisors/the owner, but don’t assume because one higher-up seems okay with goofing off behavior, the others should be too.
Anybody above you has the right to take issue with your messing around because that’s valid. Another higher-up not minding won’t invalidate that. It also comes across as though you think you’re allowed to goof off because you’re buddies with the owner. The owner can do whatever he or she wants because they’re the owner.
You need to emulate the behavior of peers, not the owner. If I saw a coworker hanging out with the owner and not doing any work, I would be annoyed, because this appears very selfish – like you’re special and don’t have to do the work the rest of the crew does.
Hopefully, this is helpful and not too hard to hear. I understand the nuances of social situations in the workplace can be complicated and I hope I’m not over-explaining. This is how my brain works, so something like this would be helpful to me if I didn’t understand why I misinterpreted something.” impish-or-admirabl
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you seem to be in the wrong here in that you shouldn’t have been messing around at work, especially when the boss gave you a warning (joking tone or not, when the boss says to quit it, quit it). Boss gets to mess around at work because they’re the boss, you are not.
That being said, your boss’ reaction was quite harsh. They could have sent you a private message about why they didn’t like your behavior if they were really upset by it.” mereasjay
You have a supervisory role now, you need to act more mature than who are you meant to be supervising. Otherwise you will find yourself demoted. It's poor form to behave like this on your first day in this new role. It's a bad first impression. You'll need to work hard to reverse it.
8. AITJ For Being Mad That My Partner Took Pictures With Other Girls?
“The blessing and kind of the curse of my partner (27M) are that there’s never a lot of rhyme or reason to the things he does.
Like when he bought black lights and a beer cap map for his old apartment, there was no deeper meaning, he just thought they looked cool. That’s just kind of how he is with everything, ‘I bought it because it looked cool’, not because he needed it or it had some secondary meaning, just off looks.
There’ll be times when he’ll say he’s going for a walk and comes home with stuff to make pancakes. You’ll ask him why, and he’ll just go, ‘well, I haven’t had them in a while and I figured, why not?’ and will just start making pancakes at like 6:30 pm on a Saturday.
Sometimes it’s hilarious because people who aren’t normally around him will see him do something or hear him say something and they’ll think he’s going out of his way to be entertaining and I have to tell them, like, no, he’s dead serious.
He came back from a boys’ trip to Miami on Sunday and was telling me what all he did and at one point he goes ‘And then at the pool, we bought drinks for this group of girls’.
My ears perked up at that. I asked him to go into that more. He goes ‘Oh yeah, they were cool’, pulls out his phone, starts telling me about how the girls wanted pictures, and he’s got like pictures of himself, his friends, and these girls. Not like a lot of pictures, just like 3.
When I ask him why on earth he would participate in not only buying drinks for random girls but then taking pictures with said girls. His answer was that they seemed nice and they wanted pictures. I told him what an idiotic response that was and that next time, he needs to be a little more respectful of me.
He thinks I’m overreacting and says I’m degrading him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry to say it but YTJ. It seems like you have someone who finds happiness in being harmlessly random and spontaneous. He didn’t hide the photos from you nor did he skip that part of his trip.
If you aren’t happy with who this guy is why are you with him? He wasn’t disrespectful to you. You are jealous and that is disrespectful of him. Had he not told you about the girls and hid the photos? He would have not only disrespected you but himself too.” Th3Confessor
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is what men do on guys’ trips. Same as girls flirting with random guys on girls’ trips. Those girls were probably in relationships too. It’s usually meaningless fun meant to make everyone feel good and happy and positive. Just good vibes and cute stories to tell.
He wasn’t unfaithful to you unless this is a specific boundary you discussed beforehand.” Dangerous_Prize_4545
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He sounds like he was sociable in a public place. There wasn’t anything in that story that sounded disrespectful. But if you want a relationship where your partner isn’t allowed to speak to other people you need to spell that out and he can choose because it’s not reasonable that he should have known that.” User
7. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Lying Sister?
“My (M16) sister Beth (F16) is a pathological liar. She does this for attention. She tells stories about fake vacations, fake relatives, fake illnesses, you name it. Everyone in our school knows this about her. She forces herself into groups and makes up stories to be a part of the conversation.
Because of this, people bully her. They mock her for lying. So Beth never has friends for long. My parents are in denial about her behavior and push Beth onto me for company. So Beth tends to cling to me and by extension my friends. I hate it. My friends hate it.
Recently Beth has been telling people she is anorexic which is funny because she continues to eat meals during lunch. Beth has confused anorexia with bulimia and says things like ‘did you know I’m anorexic, I throw up after every meal.’ It’s pretty terrible, although she faked having cancer once so… what’s there to say really.
People have started calling her ‘Anna’ for anorexia behind her back. She brought Outback Steakhouse leftovers to lunch the other day, Beth is also kind of big, and a few groups in the cafeteria started making snide comments about the ‘anorexic fat girl downing a loaded baked potato.’ My friends and I included.
Beth came over to our table when she finished and asked what my friends and I were giggling about. I said, ‘We’re laughing at Anna, she’s an idiot.’ My friend said, ‘Yeah Anna is such a witch, what’s her problem?’ Another said, ‘Has anyone ever noticed Anna always smells like cheese’.
Then BETH says ‘I know right, I can’t stand Anna’… All of us, my friends, and I burst out laughing. Everyone was staring, then Beth starts to laugh with us which only made us laugh harder. One was on the floor laughing.
A teacher came to settle us down.
Students started asking about it. The story got around school. Beth still doesn’t know but I’m starting to feel awful about it. I know I shouldn’t bully Beth but she makes it really hard not to judge her and her ridiculous lying. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are the jerks for being in denial, but even more so for prioritizing her over you, making you miserable to give her a social life. Siblings don’t mean you need to be friends with her. If she doesn’t have friends, they need to take responsibility for her.
Not you.
I’ve had a pathological liar for a friend. Everyone in our friend group acknowledges it quietly. She makes every situation about her, exaggerates stories to the extreme, purposefully puts herself in places with maximum potential for drama… and even manages to make you feel like you need to defend yourself when you call her out on not keeping her word.
These people grow up to become scammers at worst, and constant abusers of friends’ generosity at best. Then they gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong.
All of that was my long-winded way of saying having to be forced to socialize with her, knowing all that, is a horrible experience you’re constantly living.
Was it mean-spirited and petty to do what you did? Yes. Was it 100% deserved? God yes. Anyone who pretends to have eating disorders as a joke as she does deserves to be made fun of for it. If that makes me petty, I’m petty.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sounds like you haven’t thought about the psychological damage you could be doing to your sister.
I also have a sister who is… well, difficult. It’s incredibly easy to set her up to make a fool of herself, and that’s why it’s crucial that we choose not to. There’s a whole sea of people who will thrive on taking advantage of your sister’s weaknesses. Don’t be one of them.
Just wanted to add that your parents are major jerks for forcing you to hang out with Beth. I get that it’s hard to act as her brother when you’re being forced to be her friend. This is a tough position your parents have put you in and it’s not fair to you.” mereasjay
Another User Comments:
“She is your sister. Most people would think you would be the most empathetic about her issue.
Have you sat down and talked to her about it? How it makes you feel. How she has a reputation because of her behavior and how her lies are having the opposite effect.
She is using lies to fit in but her lies are making her stand out.
You probably are feeling bad because deep down you know you should be trying to help her instead of mocking her.” Dobwal
6. AITJ For Not Accepting My Father-In-Law's Apology?
“I have been married for 20+ years. My husband doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents, who live 800 miles away. We see them twice a year. They make ZERO effort to contact our kids and have no meaningful relationship with them. We live in my hometown and my parents see my kids multiple times a week.
At 9, my youngest came out as bi. My family is very supportive. But my staunchly conservative Bible-toting in-laws tell us that homosexuality is amoral & wrong. We have firmly stated that being gay is not a choice, and we love our kids regardless. In the past year, my 13 yr old identified as a trans male.
He cut his hair short, wears gender-neutral clothes, and uses his last name instead of his ‘deadname.’ We make every effort to use his preferred name and pronouns. But my in-laws refuse to accept this – they sent me a book stating it’s ‘just a phase’ and that if we welcomed God into our lives, HE could fix this.
In the past three weeks, I have had multiple interactions with my in-laws in which they intentionally disregard my son’s wishes.
My husband has had heated discussions in which he insisted my in-laws use the correct name and pronouns when talking to or about my son. Last week I posted an innocent photo of my 13 yr old with my two granddaughters.
My FIL instantly commented by saying ‘3 girls I love so much.’ I replied ‘2 girls and a boy!’ My FIL then ranted that my son was born a girl and claiming he’s a boy is a LIE! I replied that as a mom, I love & accept my kids unconditionally and I expect others to do the same.
But if he is unwilling to do so, he won’t have a place in our lives.
My FIL then doubled down on his comments and added some other hateful vitriol. I then told him to keep his ‘truth’ to himself when it comes to my child. I then blocked him on all social media.
Within minutes, my phone started blowing up with comments and texts supporting my position. I told my husband what happened. He was not thrilled with how things went down. He realizes how wrong his dad was and he engaged in a lengthy phone conversation with them the same day. He told his father that he was out of line.
But privately, my husband feels like I should play nice for the sake of the family. I am not ready to do so.
I have eliminated any and all contact with my in-laws. We are supposed to see them on vacation next month and I don’t want to go.
If we do end up going, I will not engage in conversation with my FIL. My in-laws told my husband they are sorry, but I don’t believe it for a second. They are just sorry they exposed themselves for the homophobic, transphobic judgemental jerks they truly are. AITJ for refusing his ‘apology’ and threatening to cut them out of our lives completely?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In this case ‘play nice for the sake of family’ means allowing your son to be exposed directly to people who believe he shouldn’t even be allowed to exist. No child deserves this. There’s enough hate towards trans people in this world without your kid having to experience it from his so-called ‘family’.
It’s good your husband backed you up in this situation, but I think he needs to get fully on board with his parents having zero interaction with your children until they can show your kids the respect they deserve as human beings. His parents’ feelings are of literally no importance in this scenario.
Well done to you!” invomitous-rex
Another User Comments:
“Family that denies the fact of your son’s existence is not family. NTJ.
The only way you as parents can truly support your son as a trans male is if you don’t make allowances for those who don’t. If you let your FIL’s transphobic behavior slide, that would be like saying ‘we’re going along with this trans thing for now, but obviously we can’t expect others to ignore the facts’.
Of course, that is not the message you want to send out, and nor should it be. This is your son, this is his identity, and acceptance is all or nothing. Any toleration of others misgendering and deadnaming him would fall on the side of ‘nothing.'” Signal-Television510
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your husband isn’t concerned enough about the pain they’re causing your son to stand with you, maybe he needs to be reminded of the increased risk of bullying and assault that trans people face.
And then maybe he needs to explain why he’s okay with his parents increasing that already-high risk by outing your son.
He may well find, on consideration, that he’s not okay with that at all.
For everyone’s sake, I hope so.
Because there’s no excuse for what his parents have done and demonstrated that they’re determined to continue doing it. And no excuse for allowing it or pressuring you to allow it.
Thank you for being there for your son. The world needs more parents like you. Never let anyone tell you’re the jerk for that.” Revolutionary-Dryad
5. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom And Her Partner Over How They Raise My Brother?
“I have a lot of collections. I have a bunch of action figures, Funko pops, comics, CDs, vinyl, etc. but I have nowhere to put them so a lot of them end up on my floor or bed.
My (15F) little brother (7M) got his own room after my older brother moved out. Around the same time, we got a puppy. The puppy tries to eat everything. I love him but since I have a lot of small things he can chew on or try to swallow, I do not want him in my room.
I put up with the dog being in my room but this led to me not getting a whole lot of sleep. So when my little brother got his room we put the dog in there. My mom and her partner, despite always complaining about having my little brother in their room, kept getting him to sleep in their room after he got his room.
They kept the dog because I explained that I have a lot of stuff but they didn’t like having the dog in there.
My little brother hasn’t slept in his room in over a week because now he thinks he can whenever he wants to because my parents give in, which means they have had the dog for the same amount of time.
Today, my mom’s partner told my little brother he could sleep in their room if someone else took the dog.
Since I’m the only other person in the house, he meant me. My mom said the dog couldn’t be in my room but my mom’s partner asked me why.
I told him because I have a lot of stuff the dog could chew on and swallow, he argued that so did my little brother. I told him it was different but he was eager to make me take the dog. We were arguing back and forth until I got fed up with him and said ‘well why don’t you get a hold on your child and make him sleep in his own room?’ He looked taken back and I immediately felt bad, but this was something I had been holding back from saying for a while so I also felt good to be finally saying something.
They told me I was being rude and not to talk to them like that, I just kept quiet so as to not make them any madder. I went back to my room but I can’t help wondering if I was wrong to say this to them.
So AITJ for telling them to get a hold on their child?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for what you said. You could have just firmly stated that you had collectibles that were important to you and you did not want the dog in your room. Also, you can say that you don’t want the guilt of the dog choking on your things.” Primary_Ad69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The wording was perhaps a little rude but honestly, it shouldn’t be on you to deal with the dog by yourself and that seems to be what they want you to do.
As for your stuff, get it secured. Get some cabinets, get some of those big tote things you can zip tie shut, something.
And do it as soon as possible. Cause they sound like they are the types to just put the dog in your room when you’re at school etc or let your brother play with your stuff.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the way you almost demanded they get ‘ahold on their child.’ I hope you didn’t say the words ‘their child’ because that’s still your brother – different dad or not.
That would be a very detached emotionless way of referring to a sibling. They’re probably struggling with getting him to sleep in his own bed. Kids that age do that. You can’t just force him into his room and expect him to sleep. But it could have been worded nicer.
And some options so you can hold the dog in your room: A kennel (unless they’re against that but plenty of people kennel dogs at night). Some bins for the collections. A piece of wood and some screws and a drill.” Wyomingite_Kyra
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Honestly?
The dog should have a crate and be fully trained. You are all irresponsible and you are not paying attention. The whole house will be chewed by the time the puppy reaches 6 months because already you are not paying attention to its needs. Just give it back already.
You and your parents are both responsible for this and everyone sucks here except for the 7-year-old.
YTJ for saying the things you said and how you said them. And you should take a box and pick up your stuff from the floor. You are 15, not 1.5. And if it is a matter of cost, get a summer job. I guess not, since you have all these collectibles.
Your parents are the jerks for getting you all those collectibles to buy your love after the divorce, but not making sure your room is properly organized. They are also the jerks for not training the puppy, getting a crate for it, and passing on the unneeded responsibility to you.
Also, for making your brother share a room with a dog.
To be honest, both you and your little brother sound spoiled rotten, and the earlier you realize it, the better person you will become in the future.” User
4. AITJ For Wanting To Return The Birthday Gift I Received?
“I just turned 16 and my family (aunts and uncles) asked me what I want as a gift. I asked them for headphones with a microphone (I gotta admit, I sent them a very crappy reference, but that’s not really important, because they didn’t get me those). I also sent them a link to the ones I already have, but in a different color, I’m familiar with them and love them, but they’re ripped because I use them so often.
So the day of my birthday party comes, they come to our house and give me the headphones. I look at them, thank my family, and leave them in my room so I can try them out when they leave. After they left, I opened the box, charged them (they’re Bluetooth, I wanted Bluetooth ones), and tried to use them.
The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable they were, not to mention the unnecessary settings and really bad microphones. I tried to text my aunt about it because I already knew I’m unable to use them. I didn’t say anything like ‘you got me crappy headphones’ because I didn’t want to sound bad.
She said they can’t return them.
2 days later my father (with whom I already don’t have a good relationship) asks me if I said something bad about my gift, I said I didn’t and tried to explain what happened. He said my uncle picked out the best ones on the market (maybe in their price range to be honest) and basically called me an ungrateful spoiled brat.
I just wanted a gift that I would actually use and these are just gonna be in my drawer, I wasn’t even rude about it. I’m grateful for them, but they just aren’t usable for me. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They don’t work. That’s not your fault.
It’s also quite dumb of them to buy something that can’t be returned. Stuff breaks all the time. They just wasted their funds to give you something you can’t use. You didn’t want to give it back because you didn’t like it. Not sure why they don’t understand that.” sonagoddess
Another User Comments:
“This is a time when a little white lie is usually best. It’s better to ask for a gift receipt, or where the item was purchased at, so you can exchange it. Tell the gift giver the clothing isn’t the right size (even if it’s hideous) or the electronics issue is defective or missing a component so you need to exchange it for a working one (instead of telling them it’s a cheap piece of trash)… etc. Especially when the gift giver is family it’s better to choose your words carefully to avoid hurt feelings.
In this case, I think you might be a bit of a jerk. Not because you want to return the headphones, but because you could have handled it better. This is something that everyone does at some point, so apologize to your aunt, offer a better excuse when asking for a gift receipt, and go ahead and exchange the headphones for better ones.” TackyChic
Another User Comments:
“If you only asked your aunt if you could return it and didn’t say anything bad, then I see no reason why you would be in the wrong. You asked if you were nice about it, and you were grateful to them for gifting headphones. If you were nice to everyone it shouldn’t matter.
NTJ” Slushcube76
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But it’s not a big deal. Next time you’ll know it’s sometimes better to tell a white lie and give little to no details. ‘Hey thank you for your gift! Unfortunately, there’s a technical problem/missing piece/malfunction/whatever, can you give me the receipt so I can go get another one.’ Next time send the exact reference for what you want and don’t ask for a gift you know the person can’t afford.
Another tip is to tell your family that you’d rather have money than an actual gift. (In my family we do that cause gifts are not one of our love languages.)” Familiar_Voice3691
Many people would perhaps just brush it off and aren't fussed and are more than happy to return them or don't care so much what you do with them (use them, give them away, sell them) as gifts are meant to be freely given with the giftee to do what they want with. Your aunt and uncle were like this then you wouldn't even be asking this question.
But some are butt hurt and entitled. Your aunt and uncle may fit this description.
They may also have got them on clearance (because others have found the same issues) which may be why they can't be returned and don't want you to know they were a clearance item.
Perhaps it would've been better to have sent them an explicit link and said these are the ones you want because you currently have a very similar pair and you know they will fit you.
What you don't have the right to do is expect your aunt and uncle to replace them with a new pair (you're not saying that you want this in your post).
You know what your aunt and uncle are like so you won't make this mistake again. You may need to save up some money to get the pair you want and keep using your current ones.
3. AITJ For Having One Of My Friends Come As My Plus One To Prom?
“My (17M) significant other ‘Quinn’ (18F) and I have been together for about seven months now. We go to the same high school, she is a grade above me (she’s a senior).
The prom happened a few days ago. I took Quinn as my date, but when buying tickets I let one of my friends ‘Milo’ (15M) come as my plus 1 since he was paying for his own ticket and only asked me because he wanted to go to prom and freshmen/sophomores weren’t allowed to go without a junior/senior ‘date’.
I didn’t think it was a big deal, so I agreed. Quinn wasn’t there when I was buying my ticket, so she had no way of knowing what happened. If it’s relevant, I did pay for half of Quinn’s ticket (tickets were $50, I gave her $25).
I never brought it up as it didn’t seem important.
I had already promposed to Quinn over dinner at her favorite restaurant before Milo asked. Having Milo as my guest was just a favor from a bro to a bro in my eyes.
Well, when we got to the prom location, I had to wait for Milo so we could walk in together and it could be verified that he was my guest. Quinn, frankly, wasn’t happy about this, and it was pretty clear that her mood had changed. After signing in, Milo left to mingle and we stepped aside to the quietest corner we could find and talked. She said that she wished I had at least asked her before agreeing to have Milo as my guest, and I apologized and promised that if something like that happened again I would be sure to talk to her before agreeing to anything.
We shared a kiss, and I did my best to make it up to her with a few good dances. We were having a pretty good time and by the end of the night, I had basically forgotten about it.
I spent the night at Quinn’s house, we cuddled and watched a movie before going to sleep.
In the morning, however, Quinn was a bit distant. I’m giving her space, only contacting her for the usual ‘good morning’ text, Snapchat streaks, and if she texts me first. I still give her our morning kiss before our first classes (though I just make it a forehead kiss instead of on the lips, she hasn’t asked me to stop yet so I haven’t.) It’s been a few days and she still seems distant.
I want to give her all the time she needs, but I miss her, and the longer it goes on the more I feel like she hates me for it (I’m pretty sure that’s because of my autism but it’s still making me nervous.)
I feel like I’m the jerk in this situation, but several of my friends say I’m not.
The more I think about it, the more I’m worried I ruined Senior Prom for her. This is her last year of high school. If we’re still together next year (which I really hope we are) I want to invite her as my date for my senior prom, but at that point, she’ll be out of school and it won’t hold the same sentimental value.
Any advice on what I should do is appreciated, as well as honest opinions about where I am on the jerk scale.
UPDATE:
The day after, I called Quinn over FaceTime and asked if she’d want to go out for dinner. She seemed super relieved when I asked, and happily agreed. We went out yesterday.
After asking her what she was craving, we went to this cute little sushi place that was actually the same as the first dinner date we ever went on.
You guys were right, my giving her space after she seemed distant made her think that I was becoming distant as well.
It turns out that she was giving me the cold shoulder the day after prom as a sort of ‘punishment,’ but after I had immediately stepped back, she took that as me needing time alone as well. We’re both glad that this wasn’t the end of our relationship.
She told me that she was afraid that her response to the situation was irrational, and I assured her that it wasn’t. I was almost upset that she somehow thought the situation was her fault, but I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. I’m just glad we’re back to being as close as we were if a tad more cautious for the time being.
We enjoyed our heart-shaped sushi and ended up going back to my house. I’m gonna teach her my mom’s mashed potato recipe later when I have the supplies. She said that the recipe could be me making it up to her, along with joking that I don’t bring any plus 1s to her graduation ceremony (that one stung a little but it was deserved.)
Despite us being ok now, I’m thinking about planning a weekend trip up to Chicago after she graduates. I know she’s always loved going there with her family, and I haven’t been in years, so it’ll hopefully be a great way for us to have some fun over the summer.
Though I’m pretty lousy at purposefully hiding things from her, here’s to hoping I can keep it a surprise!”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Talk to her about this. There are so many reasons why she may be seeming distant, and it may not even have anything to do with what you think it does.
Have you considered that in ‘giving her space’ you may be coming across as ‘distant’? Please just talk to her. A healthy relationship is one where you can just talk about things like this rather than tip-toe around each other. Communication is everything.” _Kenndrah_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You did spoil something special. You already asked her to prom then plus one’d a friend eligible for two more proms. Surely Milo has other friends he could have asked to take him since he was off with them anyways.” Stabmesomemore
It would be one thing if Milo's presence actually DID 'ruin' the date, but it sounds like he had other people to hang out with in there, and he paid and made his own way there. Sure he could have gone with another friend - and if that person was also coupled rather than single, he might have had to deal with petty nonsense with them too.
I hope you both take the right lessons from this - communication is super important, both where 'romantic plans' are concerned and when it comes to debriefing tough feelings. People are entitled to feel however they want about situations and events, but at the end of the day they are responsible for their behaviour and how it affects others.
2. AITJ For Making My Sister's Significant Other Cry?
“My sister (17) just got back together with her ex (16). They’ve been back together for a month.
It was my sister’s prom last weekend, so I (21) went back home to go visit and to help her get ready.
I knew about how her SO how had treated her the first time that they went out. She was devastated when she found out that he had been flirting with other girls.
While I was home this weekend, my mom, sister, her SO, and I went to the mall to do some last-minute prom shopping.
While my sister and my mom were shopping I offered to buy her SO a smoothie and just get a feel for the kind of guy he is. I hadn’t met him until a few weeks back. When I talked to him, I asked him about what had happened in the past when he had been hitting on someone else while with my sister.
He said that the girl that he was talking to was just a friend, but he had put his head in her lap, which I think is crossing the boundary when you’re in a relationship with someone else.
The other thing that really bothered me was what happened the first time I met him.
My family went to church and he was talking at a normal volume the entire mass. When my sister got a b****y nose in the middle of the service, he said that it was like the devil was in her or something. My sister started crying because she was embarrassed. Not only that, his hand was sliding up her skirt and he was sliding his hand under her shirt.
I don’t care if he’s religious or not, I don’t think that’s appropriate in a religious setting, especially since he was our family’s guest.
So at the mall, I asked him about that as well–I didn’t ask him more than I straight up told him that he needed to be respectful.
I told him that at the very least, he owed my sister an apology for making the comment about the devil being in her and that he owed our mom an apology for being a poor guest. I also told him that him feeling her up in the middle of mass was inappropriate and disrespectful.
I told him that I don’t care what the two of them do when they’re together, but that I was not okay with that kind of behavior in the church of all places.
The other issue that I have with him is that he has cracked jokes about wanting to do illegal stuff knowing that’s how our brother passed away.
He said he’d need to take a certain substance before I talked with him because he said that he was nervous about what I would say to him. That substance is what caused our big brother’s passing. I don’t know if he was just being stupid or what, but that comment made me mad.
He knows what happened. I told him that he needs to be sensitive about those kinds of jokes considering what happened.
So anyway, I confronted him about these three things when we were at the mall, and when we met back up with my sister and mom, he was paler than a ghost. After my mom and I left, he started crying.
I didn’t go into the conversation with the intention of making him cry, but I felt like I needed to tell him to clean up his act.
So AITJ for making him cry?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can clearly see why your sister broke up with him but cannot see why they got back together.
Not to mention that these are problematic/red flag behaviors that he’s continuing to show now that they’re back together. He needs to understand that his actions have consequences and that what he thinks is ‘funny’ just seems cruel and harmful to your sister and family.” Tdropz7
Another User Comments:
“I feel like your time would be better spent working on your sister’s self-esteem so she doesn’t keep taking jerks back.
That said, a lot of your examples were wrong, none of your business, or just too late.
Flirting with girls, for example. For Pete’s sake, he’s 16. Flirting is not having an affair.
Your sister also dealt with it by dumping him, so none of your business.
(I’m making the assumption that dad is not in the picture, you are male, and think you have the ‘head of the house’ position.) In this case, the time to deal with the abomination at church incident was during or immediately after church.
Not ignore it for months then dredge it up after the break-up and make-up.
In reality, your parents, or your sister – the actual victim – should have dealt with this.
In my opinion, you are overreaching, but your heart is in the right place. But don’t expect your sister to thank you when you are being so heavy-handed. In fact, you might drive her closer to him.
Pray that you aren’t an unexpected uncle 9 months from now.” saran1111
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you want to protect your sister, but you literally bombarded the poor kid with a list of all of the worst things he’d done. You said they broke up and then got back together – do you not trust that your sister told him that flirting with another girl was disrespectful to her?
While he shouldn’t have behaved the way he did in the past, it was in the past – and it sounds like it was quite some time ago that some of these things happened. If you didn’t address them then, why drudge them up now?
You clearly made the kid feel horrible so… I mean if that was your goal, then mission accomplished. But you could also have said ‘hey, I feel like you did some really crummy things in the past, but my sister likes you, so let’s start over.
I’ll give you a chance to be better, so don’t screw it up’ and then just be done with it.” PNWPainter02
You're an adult but not much older than him (so more like a peer) so your opinion probably matters much more than your parents.
Good on you for doing this.
And it's worth talking to your sister about what sort of things she needs in a partner so she doesn't settle for second best.
1. AITJ For Wanting My Significant Other To Block Her Toxic Friend?
“This friend is not only annoying but has tried to break us up in the past as she can’t keep a man. Alexis is her name. What she did was try to tell my SO I was just using her for pleasure and to demand that I meet with her in person.
Frankly, I think she is crazy, my SO did not believe her thankfully, and confronted her. Alexis apologized but went nuts when I would not accept the apology saying I was nuts or something. The crazy part is I have never met Alexis in person, she only has seen me on FaceTime once.
Now my SO has largely cut off contact with her but won’t fully cut off contact yet, keeps complaining Alexis is annoying her about her guy problems. She always tries to get my SO to listen or intervene with her issues. I keep telling her to block her but she won’t!
I don’t know if she is too nice or what but I’m sick of hearing about Alexis annoying her and not just cutting her off. Am I wrong for going off on my SO about this because she acts like the block button does not exist and Alexis is not a friend either?
My SO admits this so what’s her problem?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for thinking that she should block this person. But in the end, the only real solution you have at this point if you want Alexis out of your life is to end things with your SO. Because she’s not doing it herself and you will just look like the bad guy if you keep going off etc.” Annual-Contract-115
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all for your dislike. Soft YTJ for intervening in a relationship that’s not yours (your SO and Alexis). Assuming your SO is of sound mind and not a minor under your care, you can point out problems, but demanding she drop contact against her wishes is controlling, even if your intent is good.
A boundary that you are very justified in the setting is that you don’t personally want any contact with Alexis yourself, nor do you want to discuss Alexis or her issues with your SO. You could request that your SO doesn’t discuss you with Alexis, but that’s up to her, and up to you what you want to do if your SO doesn’t respect your wishes for yourself.” cayenne-bee
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s never your place to tell someone who they can or can’t be friends with simply because they’re annoying. At the same time, she shouldn’t be complaining if she’s never going to do anything about it… Maybe find out why she has it out for you and see if reconciliation is on the table.
If not, might be a lost cause, my friend.” sonagoddess
You obviously dont have the right to tell her with whom she can or can't be friends, but you absolutely have the right to set a boundary that you will no longer hear anything Alexis says or thinks about you, or there will be consequences for your SO. Personally, I can't imagine why your SO feels compelled to relay every nasty thing Alexis says about you, and maybe that's where you should start the conversation. Sounds like SO has issues of her own.
In fact I would tell him that you think it's a good idea for the two of you to part ways, and give him a 30 day notice to vacate. You might also want to check out local landlord/tenant laws to see what your rights are, and whether or not he has any. I would spend a bit and consult an attorney. You'll want to go about getting rid of SO with as little drama as possible, and having the law on your side helps a lot in that regard.
I'm wishing you a drama free parting with your soon to be ex, and that you find someone who loves you and values you for yourself rather than what you can give them. Good luck!