People Are Puzzled About Their Stance In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Stating That I'm Not A Maid?
“I wasn’t doing mentally well last year and I was more than grateful when my step-uncle Richard (34M) let me (24F) stay in his apartment with him and his daughter May (10F) until my place is fixed (I accidentally burnt down my kitchen, then was hospitalized for mental health issues.
I’m on meds and in therapy now). I think it was more of a favor my dad asked of him than anything, as I saw myself as a huge burden and I never was too close to my step-uncle ever since my dad married Richard’s sister 2 years ago.
Anyways, even after my place was fixed, Richard allowed me and even asked me to stay as I had really bonded with May and there was an improvement in May’s grades as I was tutoring her.
As both my own mum and May’s mum were out of the picture, I felt really protective of her and spent as much time with her as possible. I cook and clean the apartment (really humbled that Richard trusts me to cook after what happened at my place) and generally try to be useful as I pay a ridiculously small amount of ‘rent’ that is more symbolic than anything.
I also think it’s a good idea to not live alone again as I’m the type to need company to not slip into depression.
So it’s a 3 bedroom apartment, we each get one room however my uncle brings home women all the time. One of these women, let’s call her Linda (30sF) seemed to make herself at home, having an interest in May and asking her a lot of questions that I can tell made her uncomfortable.
Recently she started asking me to do things like fetch her a glass of water and when I started cooking a meal for May she demanded a portion. I told her that I only cooked for myself, May and Richard and she said she would speak to Richard and get me, ‘the maid’ sorted or fired for being rude and ‘not doing my job properly.’
When I told her I was, in fact, family and Richard’s step-niece, she said that I had lied as ‘I wasn’t even the same race.’
This is when I got mad and may have been the jerk: I told her to go ahead and tell him, I can make him dump her at any time as he trusts me and not her, his daughter likes me and not her, and plus she’s not the only woman he’s seeing, not the first and not the last.
She told Richard of course and at first, he was mad at me, but then agreed that she was also out of line, but she didn’t know I wasn’t a maid. When I told Richard that it was probably a good idea to take the women to hotels, he said that he’s not going to stop bringing women over as May is already ‘used’ to it.
He said he will still bring women over and I shouldn’t interact with them, just pretend they aren’t there. I said that’s awkward as heck. I’m worried I wrecked a family dynamic tho as this has been going on for years before I even came into the picture, and at this point, I also don’t know if I really am a live-in maid or nanny, family member, or paying tenant.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she had it coming.
Wait, also how come he couldn’t tell his lady friends that the 24-year-old female living with him is his niece, not a maid? Would it somehow ruin the vibe? He should have told them you aren’t a maid to avoid the assumptions, it’s not on you. He’s definitely taking advantage of basically a live-in nanny and maid THAT PAYS RENT.
Be careful you’re not being taken advantage of, because in the end, it’s his place and not yours, as much as his daughter seems to love you.
Also, you mentioned that May wanted a stable mother figure in her life. When the time comes and your uncle settles down you need to know where to live as I’m guessing, as bad as this sounds, there is no place for you in the new family unit anymore.
Just be careful and look after yourself, and have another place to stay if needed.” Lazy-Wind244
Another User Comments:
“I think you learned an important lesson about boundaries. And so did she.
You get to pay very low rent but you work to earn your keep to make up the difference. In exchange, you get to live with people instead of alone and it’s people who care about your well-being and are happy to have you there, as opposed to crappy roommates your own age who might be more concerned about themselves than you.
So that sounds like your place in the house. It’s nuanced, not black and white, and that’s ok.
In the future, if a lady friend is being rude I would just tell your uncle rather than telling the girl she isn’t the only one he is seeing. Because if you do that again he may ask you to leave.
NTJ.” neeksknowsbest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be careful though. You don’t want to be taken advantage of. You are cooking, cleaning, tutoring, and babysitting for free. That costs more than the rent you would pay. Richard is benefitting the most from this arrangement. Richard is doing an incredible disservice to his daughter by bringing over random women all the time.
That is so damaging for kids. He shouldn’t bring a woman around her unless they are seeing each other exclusively and he sees a future. If he would like to see May continue doing better in general, he should turn his focus from trying to hook up with women, to making sure his daughter has what she needs.” CWTaylor13
17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Use My Car?
“My (37F) partner’s (36M) vehicle stopped working towards the end of last December and due to his poor financial situation, I agreed to share my car for a while.
His job is in food service so the pay wasn’t great and when the truck died in December I figured he didn’t have enough money saved up to get it to a shop.
During this time we carpooled. This meant that some days I showed up to work as early as 0430 because he had an early shift and I needed my car. When the kids were with me, he would often have to ride his bike (about 1 mile) to or from work. He did this until our air pump broke (his bike tire has a slow leak) and he just used the flat tire as a reason to keep using my car.
Then I started working from home. We didn’t discuss him continuing to use my car, he just did it. I asked him to put a post on Nextdoor to see if someone would be willing to diagnose his truck here so we would have an idea of what fixing it would cost. He never did it.
I bought a new air pump a couple of months ago.
He still drives my car. I told him last week he would need to get his truck fixed or ride his bike because the kids were going back to school and I needed my car in case of emergencies. This past Sunday we forgot to make sure the car was locked after a grocery run and someone got into it.
Here’s where the AITJ comes into play. My partner had an early shift, saw that someone had been in my car, decided it wasn’t worth waking me up, and went ahead and drove it to work. He let me know about the incident via text after he got to work.
I was upset that he decided what the right action for the situation was for me and I told him this.
He apologized and said he couldn’t tell if anything had been taken. Still mad, I told him of course he wouldn’t know, it’s not his car or his possessions. His response to this was to call himself a jerk and accuse me of always (yes he uses absolutes, always) attacking him about everything. I rarely bring things up to him and they mostly revolve around the condition of my car.
Like not telling me it needed gas before I had to leave for a doctor’s appointment or leaving trash all over my car after I had just cleaned it.
I told him to stop gaslighting me (he does this anytime there is an argument) and that I have every right to be angry right now. That he didn’t get to dictate how long I got to be angry for, and just because he apologized didn’t mean that I had to accept it right then and there, stop being angry, and pretend like this never happened. I reminded him that I let him drive my car as a courtesy and that he needed to get his truck fixed and could always walk or ride his bike to work.
When he got home from work he put my spare car key in the dish with my other keys and barely spoke to me for the rest of the night. It turned out that nothing was stolen from my car nor was there any damage done to it. This morning he rode his bike in to work.
So I throw it to you, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If someone is lent an item, they need to be responsible and courteous with said item. He wasn’t. Additionally, patching a bike tube/getting a new one is super cheap and easy to do. Since you need it for work/kids, he needs to figure his transport situation out. Sounds like he’s shown little to no personal responsibility in making his situation better and just wants to sponge off of you.” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, seems like he is just being a baby. If someone broke into my car and my fiancée just drove it off without saying anything I’d definitely be ticked off. I can imagine it could also screw with any type of insurance claim you might be trying to make (in the event anything had been stolen)?
But that I am unsure of.” gribgribcant
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Your partner sounds like an immature jerk and it’s really too bad you share kids with him otherwise I’d tell you to flee the scene and never look back from this man made of red flags.” egomechanics
16. AITJ For Not Taking My Dog To My Partner's Parents' House?
“So I (25M) have been with my partner, “M” (23F) for 2 years now. “M” and I had moved in together about a year ago, and she has a cat she’s had for a year or so, no big deal to me. We agree I can get a dog so I adopted a 4-year-old Pitbull we’ll call Holly. She’s a sweet pup, good with dogs and cats, but just needs a little time to warm up.
So a few months go by, we introduced Holly to my partner’s family, and 1 of their dogs, Maggie. The issue started when my partner’s mom, we’ll call her “GM”, started to get condescending with how we have been handling Holly. “GM” would say things like “Let her run around outside with the other dogs, she’ll come back” (They live out in the woods), “You guys should be doing (this) and (that), not what you’re doing”, and “We’ll introduce Holly to Lassy when (Partner’s Brother) isn’t home.” (Lassy is M’s brother’s dog.
Neither I nor M’s Brother was okay with this, as Lassy is a bit much.) I told M separately that I didn’t appreciate her mom telling me what to do with my dog, as I’m not comfortable with doing these things yet since I’ve had Holly for around 1 year and I don’t know how well she’ll listen.
She said she understood and would try and talk to her mom.
Well, a couple of months ago, we bring Holly down to M’s parents. We start off with a slow intro to just Maggie again, and we thought everything was okay until Maggie started getting aggressive towards Holly, nipping at her, showing her teeth, and wouldn’t let Holly even walk near her without growling.
I took Holly to a separate room and kept her on her leash with me. GM starts saying “Maggie is just trying to prove she’s the alpha of this house. It’s her house, she’s the alpha, Holly has to learn that”. At that point, I just kept Holly close to me and waited until it was time to leave.
GM also has said in her baby talk to Holly, “One of these days I’m gonna come up and steal you for a weekend so you can run around and play outside with the other dogs at my house without a leash”. That really doesn’t sit right with me, seeing how she was willing to go behind her son’s back to introduce our dogs.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. At this point, I told M I’m not taking Holly to her mom’s anymore, and that I’m not going to put my dog in that kind of environment. I also said I don’t want to leave Holly home alone for hours on end so either we go together for a few hours, or she can go alone and visit as long as she’d like.
M says it’s not that big of a deal, that there are plenty of people around to stop the dogs from fighting, we can just lock Holly in her parents’ bedroom so Maggie can’t get her, and she doesn’t get to see her family much anymore since all of this started with the dogs.
So, AITJ for refusing to take my dog to my partner’s parents’ house?”
Another User Comments:
“Holy moly NTJ. They’re not grasping the boundaries of other dog owners…and they’re not listening to your rules. For your pibble.
Your rescue pibble needs to feel safe, and that house, at the moment, doesn’t sound safe between the possessive dog, Holly’s (lack of) recall training for those woods, and the mother refusing to do anything appropriate.
What honestly upsets me most, is if mommy dearest were to introduce Holly to Lassie without your consent or knowledge, and it didn’t go well…Now you’re working to rebuild trust with her, possible vet bills, and jeebus forbid-mommy reporting your poor victimized pibble to authorities. Would Holly get a pass in that she’s now labeled as a dangerous dog and you pay higher insurance and all those requirements that go with that?
Or does she get taken and put down because they see a dangerous pit bull?
I say this as a rescue pit owner in a city that tried BSL (breed-specific legislation).” Fiendishfrenzy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner seems to not understand the stigma around pit bulls. If something does happen, even if it’s not Holly’s fault, she’s going to pay the price for it.
Not to mention Holly needs that extra attention and comfort because she came from the shelter. She can’t tell you what her situation was and she is tentative for a reason.
It’s always better to err on the side of caution, especially with a dog who is misunderstood.
Also, “GM” is a big jerk. The comment about kidnapping your dog reminds me of my narcissistic mom, and while I could be projecting, it’s a huge red flag.
I really can’t think of any scenario where that’s okay, even as a joke. (Doubt she was joking.)” PessimistDreamer2013
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s your dog. You’re looking out for her safety, and letting her run around unsupervised in an open area is not exactly safe.
Also, Maggie may be showing that she’s the “alpha”, but if Holly doesn’t back down, the two dogs will definitely fight.
If GM “steals” Holly without your knowledge, and they fight, what will happen? I’m predicting GM will let them fight so Maggie gets to “establish dominance” over Holly.
Don’t bring Holly over anymore. She will just get stressed out by Maggie’s aggressiveness, and will also sense your anxiety and tension over GM.” Cherry_chuu
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My SIL To Get Custody Of My Kids Should Something Happen?
“My (35F) husband (35M) and I have two kids (5F and 9 monthsM). We recently decided that we should do an official will of who would get custody, god forbid something happens to both of us.
Now my parents (60F and 62M) and my in-laws (62M and 62F) all know that if something were to happen to us that they would go to my brother and his husband (both 37). My brother and BIL were of course happy that they were chosen to take them if something were to happen. My younger brother (27) was totally fine with not being chosen since he doesn’t really care for kids but is slowly starting to play with our 5yr old.
Our backup would be our best friends (37M and 30F) who have two kids (4M and 1F). We all live in the same city so it makes sense to keep the kids as close to family as possible.
My SIL (29F) and her husband (30M) have no plans on having kids, even though he wants them. I have never gotten along with my SIL in the last 7yrs I’ve known her.
My husband doesn’t even like and get along with her. They also live on the other side of the country. They still lived in town when I had our oldest but she only saw her maybe 5 times total when she lived here. She never texts/calls to even ask about her niece and nephew.
Well, she found out what our plans were for our kids.
She called my husband and me screaming that we were jerks for not even considering her and her husband as possible guardians for the kids and that we were massive jerks for picking friends over them. She then proceeded to call me every name in the book and said I’m forcing my husband to pick my brother and BIL over her.
I told her she needed to calm down if she wanted to actually have this conversation. She calmed down enough to where she stopped screaming and I told her my brother and BIL have been there since day one and that they actually have a relationship with them unlike her where she’s only ever seen her niece 5 times and has not even met her nephew.
She started to scream again saying I’m the jerk and that I’m punishing her for living on the other side of the country. That’s when I snapped and said there would be no way on this earth she’d ever get custody of them. She then proceeded to call and yell at my in-laws and they told her she was way out of line for demanding to be the guardian of our kids and that it was our choice, not hers.
She’s been blowing up our phones saying we’re jerks for not trusting her and not even picking her as a backup. My husband said we could just tell her she is the backup to make her happy but I don’t think we should just in case the backup has to be used. Are we the jerks for picking friends as a backup instead of her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, you may want to see your lawyer about letting them hear any voicemails and read messages from your SIL and let them know that under no circumstances ever should the worst happen to you or your husband she never has access to your children and how she’ll try to make life miserable for your brother and BIL.
This woman is seriously unhinged and is a danger to your kids.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s clearly not seeing the bigger picture. This is contingency, you hope this never happens but is what you think is in your children’s best interests in that worst-case scenario. They’re familiar and comfortable on this side of the country, and you’d like to not disrupt their lives by having them relocate across the country, as it doesn’t sound like they’d be willing to relocate their lives to raise your children who would effectively be strangers to them, and vice versa.
She doesn’t even make an effort to know them now!
This isn’t about her. It never was and it’s unfortunate she doesn’t understand that.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“Uuuuuhhhhh… I think she just illustrated WHY she is not listed as a guardian.
Advice given to us by my friend when we were putting together our first will: List 3 different sets of potential guardians in case for whatever reason the first two can’t do it.
Which was REALLY good advice because the first two ended up having life-altering health issues within 5 years of us putting together our first will.
Also, with the will and guardianship documents, write a letter as to why you do not want SIL to have guardianship that is notarized at the time the will is notarized. That will be taken into consideration by a judge if guardianship ever needs to be established. While a judge will take your decisions into consideration you do not want someone trying to drag your brother and BIL into court to fight for custody.
That letter would shut down a challenge as to your intent very quickly.” thingsarelookingup2
14. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Once I Turn 18?
“For context: this was said in therapy. However, this was said in front of kids younger than me so…
The deal: My mom died when I was 10f. I’m 16f now. My mom had been sick for a little while and pretty quickly after my dad told me he was seeing Jessica. Jessica and my mom had a history. Jessica and my dad worked together and it was pretty well known that Jessica liked my dad and wanted to be with him.
Mom despised her. There were a couple of fights I was present for because Jessica had shown up to see my dad at home and mom didn’t like it. Dad always told her he would make sure Jessica left us alone but I often wondered. When he told me he was seeing Jessica after mom I was really hurt and angry.
It felt like a huge betrayal and while I will never know for sure (please don’t tell me it’s obvious there was something going on, you can never be sure until someone owns up to it) I will always at least believe dad wanted to be with her instead of mom.
Jessica has a daughter who is 7 years younger than me.
She and my dad now have a couple of kids together as well.
I was never okay with them and I have never been an active participant in their family. I keep my head down, I ignore them as much as I can and I do everything in my power to just not be included. It doesn’t work well. They always try to include me.
Jessica’s daughter adores me and wants me to be her big sister. My dad keeps telling me to give them a chance, to try and let go of what my mom would think and jump in with him to a family who is here for us now.
18 months ago dad decided therapy was the last thing he could do to make things work.
So he, Jessica, her daughter, and I have been in therapy ever since. My 5-year-old half-sibling has been joining us for two months now. I don’t engage in therapy. Even when I had alone time with the therapist, I didn’t want to make things work with them or find a way to heal ‘the family’ and that’s what she is here for, she has made that clear.
So we would sit in silence or I would refuse to contribute.
Then a real push came last week. I don’t know why but it came from Jessica most of all. She kept pushing and pushing and saying how they were my family and they wanted to feel wanted by me. That’s when I spoke up. I said I had been clear from day one that I did not want to be part of their family and that I am counting down the days to my 18th birthday so I can move out and cut contact with them.
This was said in the presence of the two kids, which my dad, Jessica, and the therapist took issue with. Jessica’s daughter got what I meant and she sobbed and begged me not to leave. She begged me to be her sister. When I didn’t comfort or reassure her I was called cruel for saying what I did in front of her and my half-sibling.
I was grounded for a week and honestly, it was one of the best weeks in a long time because nobody talked to me, but now therapy has become about why I’m wrong and how I’m behaving in a cruel and bully-like way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This therapist isn’t very good at her job. You should never be punished for what you say in therapy.
I would tell them next session that there’s no point in talking at all in any other sessions if you will just get punished for participating. If they didn’t want the younger kids to hear what had to be said, they shouldn’t be part of the session at all. NTJ.
Stay strong until you’re 18 and start working on a practical plan for how to move out when the time comes.
Best of luck!” DangerouslyDia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know what they expected you to say. The biggest jerk here though is the therapist. They should have established boundaries from the beginning. If you can be punished for saying something in session, then therapy will never work. Your therapist should be helping your dad and step-mom to understand your feelings are valid.
You are feeling hurt. Dad quickly established a new relationship and tried to force you to do the same. We all move at our own speed. Frankly, the therapist should also recognize that the very fact that you knew about your mom and dad’s arguments about Jessica is problematic. That’s an adult conversation that should have never been put on you.
Even if your dad was never unfaithful to your mom, you felt he betrayed her. Those feelings are what have to be addressed in therapy and the first step is recognizing them, sitting with them, and not dismissing them, even if he didn’t betray her.
Your ten or eleven-year-old self felt betrayed. Reality isn’t relevant until you let that feeling be heard.
Your dad needs to understand the pain you have. Jessica needs to understand that anger. Your younger self wasn’t heard so she’s still screaming for someone to listen and take care of her. They didn’t, so the rest of you is walled off from that source of distress. It’s really not about them at all. Somehow the therapist, dad, and step-mom keep making it about everyone else.
You shouldn’t say these things, your sisters need you, blah blah blah. You have a voice. You have needs. They aren’t listening. They aren’t meeting your needs. They have prioritized everyone else’s needs thinking that that’s prioritizing the family and keeping the family together. It’s not. It’s just pushing you out because you are a thinking and feeling person and not some egg you can just pick up and put in a different nest without being impacted.” melcsw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and a loud sigh at the behavior of your father. There are 7 billion people on this planet, he couldn’t have gone a little farther or given some time after his partner’s death.
Another loud sigh at the therapist. Therapists are supposed to be impartial listeners.
If they bring you to therapy just to be jerks to you, state it frankly that you won’t be going anymore.
It’s not helping, and they can’t punish you into liking people. You’ve made your choice. If a therapist tries to tell you what to do again, let them know they aren’t needed. You’re perfectly happy wasting both of your time, and pull out a phone with a copy of your plan
I don’t think you should have said it so frankly in front of younger kids, but I can’t really fault you.
I moved out at 17 and had a social media status countdown until my butt was out of my toxic household. And that countdown kept me sane and gave me a slight amount of tangible comfort in the chaos of my home life.
I’m not gonna say trite stuff like ‘time will make you love them!’ Because it’s been a decade for me and honestly I can’t stand any of my family still.
My only advice is: keep calm. Keep your head down. And keep your countdown going if it brings you comfort.
I had to turn off the emotional light switch in my skull to get through the last couple of months in that house. But I got out. And while I can’t recommend it, sometimes it’s best to turn your emotions off in a situation, sit down, and form a tangible plan.
Are you doing the college path? Trade? Straight into the workforce? Get a head start on your plan, figure out the options, and build off of that foundation.” vagueposter
13. WIBTJ For Sending A Letter To My Grandma Who Knows Nothing About Me?
“Ok, so to begin with, I (33f) am my father’s “secret child”. He and my mom were apparently just friends who had a one-night stand. I’ve never met him and for the first 19 years of my life, all I knew about him was his name and the fact that I had an older half-brother (Let’s call him Dave).
I’ve always been super curious about him but talking always seemed like a forbidden topic. When I was 19, I found my brother on MySpace and I added him, hoping he’d add me no questions asked, so I could see some pictures to satisfy my curiosity. He asked who I was and I just said I was related to his dad and he asked if I was his sibling.
He asked if I was his sister, and when I confirmed, he said he always knew he had a sibling (he thought I was a boy though) because of a court mix-up where they pulled my file instead of his when his mom had a meeting for child support.
Anyway, we talked a bit and met up a few times.
He’s a nice guy, but I honestly still felt too… shy… to ask for any details about my family.
One year my mom had a BBQ at her house and she invited Dave. We were sitting and talking and my mom asked about my dad. Apparently, Dave hadn’t been talking to him since he’d found out about me. He confronted my dad and asked why he was never told about me and my dad said something like “her mother and I had an arrangement.
I paid my support and she’s never to contact me.”
My mom was surprised and said they never had any such arrangement and that he only paid support because the courts made him. She then said that she was surprised his (dad’s) mom never contacted her about me. Dave said he was sure my grandma didn’t know about me because she’d never do that to a grandchild.
My mom said that was bull, she had sent her a letter when she was pregnant. Then the conversation got interrupted and was never brought up again.
That BBQ was 11 years ago. For some reason, I got an itch to look my dad up online yesterday and found the address for my grandma. She lives about 10 minutes from one of my favorite vacation spots (about 3 hours away).
Yesterday was also the anniversary of my grandma’s death (2 years. Amazing woman), so finding out that my other grandma is still alive hit me hard. I suddenly want to know everything about my family. I have this urge to write her a letter, but she’s 83 and I don’t want to kick up unnecessary drama.
I just don’t know what to do.
I could always go to the library and do a genealogy search, but what if I’m missing out on amazing people? What if they’re all like my dad and it’s a dumpster fire? Ugh.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you want a relationship with her, send her a letter. I think that’s a very fair way to approach it. If she’s not interested or doesn’t believe you, she’ll likely just ignore it.
Who cares if she gets mad at your dad? It sounds like that wouldn’t affect you much either way, and Dave’s already made up his mind about how he feels. Go for it!” dontneedaclass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to connect with family. I would check with Dave first, just to see if he knows anything about her health, like if she has dementia or anything that will be negatively impacted by such a shock.
If all seems well enough for an 83-year-old lady, I’d write her a letter and see how it goes from there.” foul_female_frog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You would not be out of line to contact your bio-grandma. You have made no agreements with your dad or his family to not contact her, but you may be disappointed with the result.
It sounds like she might already know that you were born and chose to ignore/forget/erase that fact from her existence. Conversely, she might love to know of your existence, or if she already does might be open to a relationship. And it may in fact stir up drama from other extended family, however, none of that would happen because you were doing something unkind or being a jerk.” SignificantCall0
12. AITJ For Ruining My Fiancé's Surprise For Me?
“My fiancé and I are getting married in a week. We have planned a private elopement ceremony in our backyard, with no guests except our photographer and one other witness. We specifically chose this style of wedding together to keep things private, intimate, and low-key; I also expressed my desire to keep this event very no-frills and simple.
For some context: I hate surprises, whereas my fiancé loves to surprise people with gifts, dinners, parties, etc. I get extremely anxious over being surprised in any way and have expressed this to my partner several times over the course of our 5-year relationship.
I’ve worked a lot on this through therapy because I do want to become a more spontaneous person and compromise with my fiancé. I want to not be so held back by my anxiety.
I’ve gotten a lot better at regulating my emotions when it comes to surprise dinner locations, surprise gifts, changes of plans, and the like.
In fact, I even enjoy little surprises like that now. But I still have a hard time when the surprise includes unexpected guests or parties, and my first instinct is to panic.
I started noticing over the last week that my fiancé has been very obviously hiding his phone, disappearing during the day (even when he’s not scheduled to work), and just, in general, being evasive about what he’s up to.
I’ve become really anxious about this but I’ve tried to keep my fears at bay and not overthink things. During a discussion about our elopement and how the day would play out time-wise, he accidentally alluded to having arranged “something”. I told him that while I’ve really been trying to be more spontaneous, I can sense he was trying to surprise me and I didn’t know if I could handle it on the biggest day of our lives.
He then shared he had planned to surprise me with a hired musician and singer who’d perform for our elopement ceremony. I started panicking and said I would absolutely not want that at our wedding, for one because the whole point of our private ceremony was for it to be private! Two, the people he asked to perform are his friends only, they’re people I don’t know well at all.
Three, it’s basically everything that makes me horribly anxious: unexpected people showing up as a surprise.
I told him to please cancel them and not to have them come to perform at our elopement. He cried and said he felt defeated, and that he was just trying to do something nice for me. I feel really horrible that I hurt him and that he went to all the trouble for nothing, but I also can’t imagine how it would’ve played out had I not confronted him about this sooner.
I honestly think that if at the ceremony, I was surprised by the musician and singer, I would start crying and run away… from the combined anxiety of this monumental event itself and from the shock of being surprised by people I didn’t expect. AITJ for confronting my fiancé and ruining his surprise?”
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
I get that your fiance was trying to do something really sweet for his bride-to-be, but he should know by now that this kind of surprise situation would upset you. It sounds like he views you trying to be more accommodating/flexible/spontaneous as a go-ahead to keep doing his original level of surprise planning. I would sit down with him and clearly lay out what is and is not acceptable in terms of future surprises.
Tell him exactly what you wrote here, ‘(if) I was surprised by the musician and singer, I would start crying and run away.’ That is NOT something he wants to happen on his wedding day, I presume? Good job telling him straight up that this surprise is NOT okay. If you waver or give him wiggle room, he will assume it’s okay to do similar things again ‘because you’ll end up liking it’ and ‘you didn’t say no last time.'” BobaFett-erThanYou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you didn’t ruin it, but he slipped up and then confessed. This is a tough situation for you both because you both have a strong emotional attachment to the opposite thing. But, in this case, he will have to forgo the joy of surprising you so that you can avoid the trauma and panic caused by it.
I suggest you sit down with him and talk it out at length. He probably should have known better by now, but he clearly thought it would be OK for some reason. NTJ for being honest about your feelings, and for knowing yourself. He will need to be more attentive and supportive about this.” ResearcherExpress671
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk, he may be disappointed that his surprise wasn’t received well, but if it was truly for you, then he would let it go.
Perhaps let him know you appreciate it, but marrying him is special enough.
On the other hand, if there’s something he feels is missing from the wedding, or something he wants, he really should have told you earlier and been honest. It may be worth it to check in about this, and see if there’s a way to meet halfway even though the wedding is so soon.” EPark617
Another User Comments:
“Eh, I’m going to get downvoted but YTJ.
This is not just your wedding day. It’s his wedding day too. I get that you have anxiety over surprises but this is no longer a surprise. There are also plenty of medications out there, plus therapy that can help you with this (speaking from experience with anxiety myself).
There are lots of ways to keep yourself calm during stressful situations. Deep breathing techniques, soft music, etc. You COULD find a way to make the day about both of you and a little less about your anxiety. I don’t hear a lot of information about what you’re doing for him either.
Isolating yourself and him isn’t healthy.” Short-Classroom2559
11. WIBTJ If I Report A Bank Teller?
“Okay so some context: I currently live in the US, California, but I am from another country (Latin American).
My foreign passport has always been accepted as a form of ID. Most tellers know me at the bank this happened at, only one was there and he was busy already. Also, I had a small medical procedure done on my arm, so I was already in a weird mood because I had to walk under the sun and heat.
I (22F) walked to the bank today to get a cashier’s check. I needed it for an apartment my fiancé and I are moving into after we get married. It was a big sum, $3,200 to be exact.
Anyway, I went in and I was in line waiting for my turn. They called me to the front, and a lady helped me.
I told her I needed the check for that amount and she was really nice and everything. I gave her my info to pull up my account. She said that because of the large sum of money I needed my ID. I looked through my purse and I had forgotten my passport (foreign passport that I use as my ID).
I told her that the only ID I had on hand was a foreign ID card from my home country and I told her I didn’t think it would work. She asked me for it and I gave it to her. She started looking at it, kinda made a face at it, and told me it wouldn’t work.
I walked back home to pick up my passport, which has always been accepted at the bank, and came back. I was in line, but this time a guy called me up. I went up, said hi, and told him I needed the check. He asked me for my ID and I gave it to him OPEN on the only page he needed to see.
I was inserting my card on the POS, putting the pin in, and then I heard him going through the pages on my passport. That’s when I looked at him, I had a “what the heck” face, and when he saw me he stopped. This is how the conversation went.
Him: So no ID today?
Me: ‘That is my ID, my passport.’
Him: ‘So you don’t have an ID?’ (He sounded annoyed).
Me: ‘I don’t have my driver’s license yet if that’s what you mean.’
Him: ‘Okay. So did you just get here?’
Me: ‘No.’
Him: ‘How long have you been here for?’
At this point, I was getting very frustrated with his attitude toward me.
He had been talking to me like I was bothering him and making me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I was in immigration or something.
I just said “3 years” and kinda glared at him because these are very inappropriate questions in my opinion (illegal maybe). He stopped with the questions and I was very thankful for that. He gave me my check, I thanked him and I left.
I hope he didn’t have malicious intent with his questions, but they really aren’t appropriate things to ask. My cousins were saying that by going through the pages of my passport, he was probably looking for a visa or something. I really don’t like to complain about people, I work in customer service myself, but I feel like he crossed a line.
Would I be the jerk if I complain to his manager about him? Am I being too emotional about it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would be upset as well. But, I’m wondering if he was trying to be cautious due to the amount and previous attempts without an ID. I have worked in the financial industry for 30 years and know that there are specific reporting requirements for these types of transactions (CTR is for 10k, but a SAR can be for any amount).
I am sure that when you attempted a large cash transaction without your ID (not your fault you forgot and totally understandable) that they put a behind-the-scenes flag on the account. Banks do this process to protect account holders and alert tellers of potential fraudulent activity. Additionally, they ask questions to get more information for a report. All he had was probably a shorthand note indicating the previous attempt.
However, he could have been less judgy and conversational during the transaction. Personally, instead of calling to complain, I would call to talk to the branch manager and explain that I know there is more scrutiny needed for these transactions but that the interaction created a bad customer experience. Explain what happened and share how it made you feel. This feedback is critical because the ultimate goal is to meet regulatory requirements without alienating your account holders.
Best of luck!” sbucks2121
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I used to work for a bank a good while ago. Even at that time (15ish years ago) passports were accepted as valid forms of ID as long as they were not expired. There is nothing about this transaction that would require him to look for a visa and if something like that were necessary it wouldn’t have been some basic teller gathering that info.
His entire demeanor was not acceptable and the fact that he doesn’t understand that anything other than a driver’s license can be used as ID is unacceptable. Definitely report him to his manager.” David5051
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If he wanted a specific form of ID, he could have used his words and said that. Being like “So no ID” while he’s literally holding your ID is the most infuriating thing.
I agree it was discrimination, but even if it wasn’t, he was so bad at the basic level of communication that his job requires, he should be reported for that. It’s not like he’s just working in a shop. Trying to access your funds and coming up against someone like that is really stressful.” Extension_Ad_972
10. AITJ For Wanting To Buy My Friend A Bus Pass Instead Of A Flight?
“This past spring break (march) my best friend and I had planned to see each other.
I had moved to Illinois while he stayed in Texas. This vacation meant a lot to me since we had an argument that caused a little break in our friendship.
We have been friends since freshman year, planning on moving together and everything. So when he mentioned he wanted to visit me I was super excited! I had planned everything, from the museums we would go to, the restaurants, and all the fun things we can do in Chicago.
A few days later he mentioned he didn’t have any money for the trip, so I decided since I had a job and got paid more since the minimum in Texas was $9 while I got paid $15. I had absolutely no problem with paying for his trip. I even offered to go to places that are free, or pretty cheap for us.
He had no problem with that and I continued to look for fun stuff to do.
We called almost every night and always seemed excited about the trip. I mentioned the plane tickets and if he had gotten them, which he didn’t. Saying he didn’t have money to pay for his ticket. I felt bad for him so I offered once again to pay for his ticket, I even said that if he felt bad he can pay me back later.
And so he agreed, all I asked was for him to look for plane tickets and obviously put his information.
At this point, I was going to pay for all of our food, entertainment, gas (because I had a car), his flight, and even his hotel. I called my work and notified the days I would be missing, went shopping for welcome gifts, and even bought a Polaroid for my scrapbook.
That same day I made some reservations for places that I knew we needed tickets beforehand.
A few days before our planned trip, he called and said if I had bought the ticket. I was confused because he had not given me any information about it. I reminded him of all the planning I’ve been doing, it was expected he understood.
I got upset and looked for flights with him, finding out the flights (round trip) were at $1k now. I said that would be a little over my budget and offered instead a bus ticket. A bus ticket was around $100, and would take 12 hrs. I mentioned how it was still possible, but he got upset and said he didn’t want to go on the bus.
I told him he shouldn’t be getting picky with me since he wasn’t even going to pay for it.
That obviously upset me since I was already paying over $2k on this trip. That was basically 2-3 of my paychecks, while he was going to pay for his clothes and a suitcase. He got upset and said he would call me later.
That later never happened, he went on vacation with his partner instead.
Mutual friends of ours said I was the jerk for not paying for his flight since he was willing to go to me instead of me going to him. They said that since I was paid more, and was paying so much already I clearly had the money.
They keep telling me to apologize and fix our friendship.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ.
You spent over two thousand dollars on a trip for your friend despite making minimum wage (honestly amazing budgeting skills I gotta say). You went out of your way to make plans, take time off work, get gifts, book a hotel, get a camera, this that and the other.
So after taking what could’ve only been several days out of your schedule and putting in all the leg work you also offer to pay for his plane ticket that he (supposedly) couldn’t afford as long as he could take like 10-15 minutes out of his day to scroll around on his phone to find a ticket.
And then after he couldn’t follow through on the most 0 effort request, you still try to find him a plane ticket but now the prices have obviously risen beyond your means so you try to compromise with a bus ride, which sure I mean 12 hours on a bus isn’t the most ideal way to spend half a day, it’s certainly not unreasonable either, and then he just ghosts you and goes on vacation?
Also, he wasn’t able to afford a plane ticket but now he can afford to go on a whole vacation with his partner? Awfully convenient I gotta say.
Nah, OP, this man is not your friend. Look at all the effort you put in for him, the hard-earned money that you spent for HIM, and he couldn’t return the favor by sitting on a bus for 12 hours and watching YouTube videos or something?
Not to mention that the only reason he would’ve had to ride a bus is that he couldn’t even put in the effort to do the one thing that you asked of him which would have taken him only a couple of minutes to do. That basically sums this entire thing up, you put in an extraordinary amount of effort and he returned none of it.
Friends do not give friends 0 effort. He showed you who he truly was, how little he cared, and then he ghosted you. You don’t owe him an apology and you do not owe it to him to try to fix your friendship because it seems blatantly obvious to me that he surely wouldn’t do the same for you.
Your other “friends” telling you to put more of your time into this person can honestly pound sand and kick rocks.” BabaTreesh
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say no one’s a jerk because it sounds like there was confusion about who was going to make the plane reservations. You each thought the other was going to do it, and then by the time y’all realized there was a miscommunication, the plane ticket was too expensive.
It’s understandable that you would offer a bus ticket instead, but it’s also understandable if your friend didn’t want to ride 12 hours each way on a bus, which can be miserable, especially if your friend has any anxieties at all.
I think the only thing that either of y’all did wrong was not communicating well.” Red-belliedOrator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A full k for a flight is crazy to expect a friend to pay. You provided them with an alternative, and they refused it. Even if they did not like buses if they wanted to see you bad enough they would have taken the bus. What you did was put up a boundary about your own financial security. You will need that K they wanted you to spend on a flight eventually.” RonnietheEggCracker
9. WIBTJ For Being Too Harsh With A Family Friend?
“For context, this is due to a situation that happened earlier this week with said family friend.
She works at my favorite restaurant as a waitress, so we often times get her as our waitress when we go there if she’s on shift.
I’m disabled, invisibly, and due to looking ‘normal’ many people seem to trivialize my struggles and misunderstand my inability to do certain things as me being lazy or picky. I can’t work, I can’t drive.
I’m working with professionals so I can hopefully do those things sometime in the future, but right now and for the future I can’t do either of those things without risking damage to myself.
During this event with the family friend, she was being our waitress as usual. Everything was going great until she chose to sit with us to have her lunch, which normally wouldn’t have bothered me except for the awful overall convo she ended up starting.
She started talking about her plans to go to the beach as a vacation soon. I mentioned that I’d love to go to the beach someday and that’s when the comments started.
“You should get a job then so you can afford it, girl,” she said.
Despite me having informed her MANY times that I’m disabled and can’t work.
When I reminded her of this again she brushed it off and then said, “Well you need to get yourself a man or girl to take you there and take care of you then,” which kinda felt insulting and I explained also that I’m not into romantic relationships.
She kinda threw her hands up and said, “Well you kinda have no room to complain then,” when I wasn’t complaining to begin with.
All I had said was I hoped to go there someday.
As I began eating my spaghetti, she started talking about being sick a few weeks back. That alone made me uncomfy, but then she started being super descriptive about coughing up mucus and other nasty things that made me unable to eat anymore. With my anxiety, I tried so hard to force myself to say something or walk away to the bathroom, but I couldn’t.
She then whined about her husband being loud, proceeding to not once but twice pound her fists on the table to imitate his walking which made other patrons stare at us. I was frozen in place until she gave us our to-go box and we had to get up to go pay at the checkout.
When I got into my gram’s car I broke down and cried the whole ride home having a bad panic attack and sensory overload until I felt completely numb.
I was so upset I had to sit on my hands so I wouldn’t start subconsciously doing self-injurious stuff. I’ve gotten advice from my mother on how to shut down her advice-giving and gross convos if she tries to do it again, but I feel being civil won’t fix this as I’ve tried to explain things civilly before.
WIBTJ if I started avoiding her as my waitress and told her off if she tries to give unsolicited advice to me or talk about gross topics? I don’t want to ruin my family’s friendship with her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Anyone who comes up and says “you should just get a job” is basically telling you, “I think you CAN work but just don’t want to.”
And that’s very rude especially when they have no idea.
I deal with the same thing. Anxiety/epilepsy/depression. Which means no job and no driver’s license.
People like us ALWAYS want to do better. People misunderstand that and think we are just doing this for fun or just being lazy. That’s not the case at all and we both know it!
We constantly work on ourselves to be able to get to a better point. It just takes time.
Take the time you need and cut the people out who only do you harm. You don’t need to make room for those kinds of people, no matter who they are.” SYRLEY
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Conflict is hard for most people.
And doing it in a way that you feel heard is hard. I find writing it down first, practicing in advance so that when the opportunity to speak up comes along again, you’re ready.
It sounds like she’s from a different generation where ‘invisible wounds’ weren’t understood or real and women were taken care of. You may not be able to change her perspective, but you can stop her commentary.
“You know I can’t work yet”, or “my goal is to be able to look after myself and not depend on a partner”, or “I’m eating, please stop talking about body fluids”. “Thanks for the advice, but I want to figure this out on my own.”
Next time you go to the restaurant, have your mum with you and have a few lines prepared in case she starts again.
Sounds grandma might not be able to advocate for you with her friend.” stilljustwendy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it shouldn’t be you avoiding her, it should be your family standing up for you and telling her to cut the crap.
Even if she’s not malicious and simply very ignorant, she has no right to disrespect you and your condition, nor to disrupt your dining outing, that you’re paying for.
Avoiding going to that particular restaurant or at least avoiding her shift is a temporary solution.
But your mother is a jerk too for teaching YOU how to deal with HER when she should do exactly the opposite and put her dear friend in check.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
8. AITJ For Taking My Dog Away From My Parents?
“In late 2020, I planned to move to the UK for school and work.
I happened to get engaged and plan on living here permanently. Before leaving, my parents forced me to write and sign a contract stating that my dog would be cared for by them for six months and then re-homed. I wrote this and included a letter sharing my discontent with the requirement and disapproval.
My family and I have had a rocky relationship for a long time, and this has been one of the final straws.
My plan has been to get my dog for nearly two years and I have communicated this with them all along. My partner and I were able to get into a home that allowed pets and we started seriously getting everything in order.
Since early 2021, I had been sending messages to my mother about arranging a trip and getting ready to get the dog.
There was some pushback, about how he bonded with my father and that it was scary to move him, but in each of the conversations, she conceded. In Feb of this year, we had a phone call in which she unloaded a lot of built-up resentment regarding how I haven’t made enough contact, haven’t told them about my life and relationships, and how it’s not best for my pet to be with me.
Even then, she told me to “do what I needed to do,” and agreed it was my dog and my right to get him.
A month or so ago we agree on a timeframe in a family group chat for a trip to the US. We booked flights and a special pet courier to make sure that he would always be in good hands.
He is flying in the cabin with me on each flight, and with me in the car and on train rides. There are plenty of stops for him to go to the bathroom and stay fed and hydrated. We have put a lot of effort, money, and time into making sure this is the best experience possible for him.
Last week, both of my parents decided that they would not be willing to allow my friend to get my dog for shots and checkups to allow for his travel, undoing all the work we have done and jeopardizing our flights and deposits for all the services we asked for.
My parents determined they would be following the contract and that I was no longer the owner of the pet, that there were no excuses for my delays, and that I was a horrible person for breaking up their family. The conversation was not amicable.
My partner and I decided that I needed to fly out and pick my pet up and keep him with a friend for the rest of the time he is in the States.
I don’t tell my family I am arriving, and drive out to the farm where he is kept. My father is furious, but sees me with the dog in hand and says, “Do what you need to do.”
That evening, they track me down on my phone and in front of my friends, in a public place, decide to have a huge argument about my failures as a son, the damages caused by my decisions, and how I never spoke to them about the dog, never was interested in him, and regularly insult and mistreat my family with my actions.
Am I the jerk for getting my dog back from what I think are my narcissistic parents?”
Another User Comments:
“Here’s what I could piece together: You wanted to go to the UK for a semester and your family begrudgingly agreed to watch your dog even though they didn’t want to and they knew they would probably end up getting stuck with the dog for longer, so they made you promise that they wouldn’t have to keep him for longer than six months.
You left for the UK and quickly decided to stay there forever, but you didn’t bother to go back and get your dog or arrange for someone else to take him after the six months were up. Six months turned into two years and now your parents love the dog and want to keep him, so you snuck back onto their property to steal the dog back.
Is that right?
I just don’t get any of this. Your parents are weird for making you sign a contract, but it kind of looks like they were right — you broke your promise that it would be six months only. Why couldn’t you have come to get the dog sooner? I can’t imagine leaving my pet in someone’s care for two years, especially not if I believe those carers to be narcissistic.
I’m not saying they’re NOT necessarily awful people, but if they are, you should never have abandoned your dog to them in the first place. And I can see your parents’ side too — their kid dumped a dog on them, then decided to move to another country permanently and didn’t bother coming home for a visit or to see their dog.
ESH, you are all annoying.” fizzbangwhiz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they agreed to let you take the dog then tried to use the dog as a hostage to get you to bend to their will. It seems your parents are failing to realize you have grown up and have become an adult who doesn’t need to report to them your every movement.
I don’t understand their motivation for a public blowout unless they thought it would make them look like the victims.
How did they track you on your phone? If you have family sharing of location on I would remove them from access to that information.” SkrogedScourge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your parents sound small and difficult. From my view, they lost any ethical claim when they asked you to sign a contract.
If you do end up in court, be clear that they have not acted on the terms of the contract at all and no funds were exchanged. Contracts aren’t actually valid if there isn’t any consideration and if one side doesn’t get anything in return. In this case, it wouldn’t be valid since your parents weren’t compensated at all.
But of course, none of this is legal advice, and all is gathered from experience in the US.” d4nkgr1l
Another User Comments:
“ESH but it’s soft on your part. You said the dog would be there for 6 months, and that turned into two years.
That said, you told your parents you were going to pick up the dog, made all the arrangements, and then your parents started guilt-tripping.
Take your dog and maybe go low contact with your parents.” lostalldoubt86
7. AITJ For Letting My Dad Buy Me An Expensive Gift?
“My (19F) parents (46M & 47F) got divorced four years ago. They have a somewhat strained relationship but still manage to be civil around me and I have a good relationship with them both.
I live with my dad full-time because he has a house and a big garden where my cat can run around while my mom lives in a tiny apartment.
This summer, I opted out of my usual vacation with my parents because I really just wanted to stay home and rest, while my parents each took a week to go somewhere and recharge.
I asked them to bring me back a gift (like a snowglobe or keychain since I collect them) as a memory and they both promptly agreed.
My mom was the first to go and she brought me back a unicorn key chain since I was obsessed with unicorns when I was younger and it’s always something that brings me comfort.
I obviously thanked her and immediately attached it to my keys so it could remind me of her wherever I go.
This week, it’s my dad’s turn and I’m staying with my mom since I don’t do well alone because of health issues. I just got a text from my dad showing me two different types of sneakers and asking which ones I like best so he could buy them for me as my gift. He said he’d rather get me a practical gift since I had to throw away four pairs of sneakers this year cause they were literally so messed up I couldn’t wear them anymore, and now I only have four pairs of shoes (2p heels, 1p snowboots, 1p sneakers) so this is better than just a keychain.
I thanked him profusely for the present and since I was very excited, I showed my mom the picture, but all she looked at was the price, which was about $100.
She got really mad and said that it wasn’t fair that my dad was buying me a pair of shoes since it’s not what I asked for, I just asked for a little souvenir, and she only spent 5$ on my keychain.
She said I should decline the present and just wait to go to the store with them both so I can pick a pair and they can split the cost. I told her I wasn’t gonna do that cause my dad already bought them, and that I didn’t care how much money she spent since it’s the thought that counts for me, but if it meant that much to her, she could call my dad and transfer him the funds.
She got even madder and said it was unfair of me to ask her to pay so much for a pair of shoes. She hasn’t talked to me since and I’m starting to feel like I may have been a jerk cause I made her feel inadequate. AITJ?
PS: I live with my parents while attending college because of my health issues, and all the money I make from my part-time job is going to the bank so I have a safety net after getting my degree at my parents’ insistence since they can both afford to support me while I study.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A $100 pair of NEEDED sneakers is not an extravagant gift. Your Mom is being ridiculous. I thought this post was going to be about whether you should or shouldn’t have accepted a 5-figure car or something.
I mean, if your Dad had taken you on the vacation he would have spent a lot more than $100. If your Mom is this irrational and is treating every gift as a contest between herself and your Dad then you need to put her on a very strict information diet regarding your Dad.
Stop sharing his private texts to you with her. It is NOT her business. You are an adult and can manage your relationship with your Dad privately.” Allimack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is jealous of the number of provisions your dad can provide. Your dad is being sweet and providing you with a practical gift he noticed you needed. Your mom was also sweet because she bought something she not only knew you would love but would also bring comfort.
Your mom needs to take a breath. And realize that the love you have for both of them is equal.” words68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 19, an adult, your relationship with your dad is now on your terms, between you and him, and your mum cannot interfere anymore with that. She is out of order asking you to make him return the trainers.
This is her issue, not yours. Her negative emotions are hers to sort out.” Which_Pudding_4332
6. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Friend?
“I (19F) have known my friend Lia for 9 years, and in high school, we ended up becoming part of the same friend group.
In recent years, Lia has become more and more “boy crazy” to the point where most of our conversations are her updating me on whatever guy she’s talking to. I never minded this and always tried to give her helpful advice.
Last year we started uni in different cities, and Lia ended up going to the same uni as 2 guys from our friend group, so they started spending a lot of time together.
The issue is now whenever we hang out all together in our hometown, she spends all her time chatting with the boys and ignores the girls, which to me makes no sense because why wouldn’t you catch up with the friends you’re not usually with?
Two weeks ago, I and some of the girls were making plans to go to lunch in the girls’ group chat.
Lia said she was upset she wouldn’t be able to go cuz she missed us, and one of the other girls said “Yeah but when we’re all together you never actually spend any time with us,” which I thought was fair.
Lia then sent a voice note stating that the reason she didn’t talk to us as much was that “No offense but your conversations are kinda crap.
I’ve gotten used to the guys and I just like talking to them cuz we can talk about deep stuff, you know?”
We were all baffled and protested. Instead of apologizing she doubled down, saying that our conversations don’t really interest her because we only talk about stuff like celebrities (not true AT ALL), and with the guys she can talk about more important stuff.
We again said that was bull and she claimed that she’d obviously listen if we talked about our lives (we do), but she didn’t really feel included in our conversations and usually didn’t know/care about the topics we discussed. I told her if she actually sat down with us for 5 minutes or asked us about our lives maybe she wouldn’t feel so excluded.
She then “apologized” saying she didn’t mean to hurt our feelings and she forgot that we were sensitive and she couldn’t be honest like she was with the guys.
Since then, I’ve been mad at her and have made jokes in the group chat about how “oh I forgot I don’t care about (topic of discussion) because it’s not celebrities” and similar things.
Lia gets very mad and demands I stop, saying that was just an example taken out of context.
I know I’m being petty but what she said made me mad because I spent all that time listening to her boy drama only for her to say she doesn’t care to listen to us. I’m hoping this pick-me thing is just a phase because she wasn’t like this, but she never actually apologized/showed she didn’t mean it, so I still mock her.
However, everyone else seems to have moved on from it, and my partner says I’m being petty and it doesn’t solve anything. He says I should just go talk to her directly, but I don’t think I should have to be the one who reaches out. My mom says Lia was in the wrong but I should think about if this is worth ruining a 9-year friendship over.
AITJ for not dropping it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
However, YWBTJ if you don’t stop with the petty remarks. You’ve made your point and the others have moved on. Dragging it on will only make her feel more sure in her opinions that you are too sensitive and just a petty, vindictive girl. Though, I am here for some of the pettiness.
Your friend is completely the jerk for what she said and sounds like a high school “pick me”. From what I gather, guys find those kinds of girls annoying, so it will probably sort itself out soon enough. Just drop it and ignore the urge to bring it up.
This is the kind of behavior that starts the breaking of a friendship.
You just have to decide if you want to try and work it out with her or not.” MrzCrainzz
Another User Comments:
“So, you mock her behind her back despite everyone else getting over it, you dismiss calling out her behavior by claiming you were “making fun” of her (you weren’t, you’re full of it), and you expect her to go out of her way to “sincerely” apologize to you?
YTJ.
Yeah, if you have a problem and want it resolved, then you confront the other person. Why should she confront you, when you’re the one who has a problem?” lesbian_goose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you hate this person, drop them. I don’t love people like Lia either, but you need to know when to give up and live your own life in my opinion.
You’re young, and I don’t blame you. But you’re being a jerk both to Lia and yourself if you don’t make this clear and set boundaries.” MagicalGirlTrash
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Let it go or drop her as a friend. If you continue along this vein, don’t be surprised if you are the one who gets dropped by the clique.
Notice that everyone has moved on except you, which means they are willing to put up with her crap and still value her as a friend.” residentcaprice
5. AITJ For Asking For What I Paid For?
“I ordered a custom 1800 keyboard from a seller on Etsy which included a keycap set that was from a different store on Etsy (which I was told I could include in my order).
They gave me the total it would cost, listed what was included in the final price, and gave me a heads-up that it would take longer to complete due to their location and the extra things I ordered (I was okay with it). During the build, there were some complications on their end that affected the final product, but since they were transparent with the issues and process I didn’t mind it.
Fast forward to when I received the keyboard, I opened the box and was happy with the keyboard, but surprised that I only got the keycaps on my board and none of the extra or novelty ones that were shown. I asked the seller if there were any other keycaps and they told me there “…was more to the set.
But it was mostly the extra keys your board didn’t have, a few extra novelty keys.” but I’d have to wait a couple of months for them to finish school.
Fast forward two months later they sent it to me (without charging for shipping which I was grateful for) and I thought it was all over.
Fast forward two months, my brother and I have built our own PCs and he needed a keyboard.
I was getting a 100% keyboard for myself so I gave him the keyboard and kept the keycaps for myself. While transferring the keycaps over, I noticed a few of them are still missing. I asked the seller if they had given me all the keycaps in my set, but they got defensive and passive-aggressive, saying that “(they’re) sorry if (I was) hoping to receive an entire set of keycaps along with a custom keyboard.”
This made me really confused as I paid for the whole keycap set and did not receive the entirety of it. I responded by reiterating that I paid for the entire set and that if I was told in the beginning that I wouldn’t receive the whole set (and agreed to it) then it would have been my fault. I also offered to pay for the shipping for this and the previous package.
They replied by telling me they operate at a loss and that any profit they make is eaten up by shipping the novelty-only keycaps.
“You did not buy a keycap set, you bought a custom keyboard.”
The thing is that I do think I bought a keycap set as well as a custom keyboard. I paid the price in full so that the seller could use it in the build and I’d still get the keycaps not used because I paid for them.
If shipping the extra keycaps was an issue, I would have been happy to pay for the shipping if they had only told me it would cost more to do so. I’d much appreciate it if I was informed beforehand of the difficulties rather than being told after that “…that is simply not how the custom keyboard business works.”
I do realize that what I’m asking for can be seen as ungrateful as the seller had sent me the novelty keycaps for free before, but he didn’t say he was only sending the novelty keycaps so I had no idea I wasn’t getting everything else.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk. After looking at the listing and reading some of the reviews, it seems like you were just paying for the custom keyboard and shouldn’t have expected any additional caps. I think you just misinterpreted something in the listing and this is a case of you needing to be a more cautious shopper.
Especially seeing as even if you were owed extra caps at the beginning, it probably wouldn’t be considered reasonable to expect him to have kept them two months after the last time you had contact with him.” GlassSandwich9315
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If they operate on a loss then it’s their own fault. You paid for the caps, they should have been included in the original packet.
I’m sure you got a bill, was the set of caps listed on that? If so it clearly belongs to you and not to him.” RedHurz
4. WIBTJ If Left My Brother To Stay With My Dad?
“Our mum (43F) went out with our stepdad (42M) to a concert yesterday, and left me and my brother alone in the house, of which they won’t be back until tomorrow.
My (16NB) brother (18M), who we will refer to as Rainbow, has Epilepsy and is currently on a type of medication that makes him irritable and angry.
Over the past year or so, he has been open about how much he hates what my mum does/does not do for the household. I can see Rainbow’s point on this, as my mum spends too much on junk food and not enough on healthy ones, extends herself too much to other people, and doesn’t focus enough on this family.
He is also angry at having to constantly babysit our (6M) brother a lot.
He also really dislikes our dad, as he had a falling out with him about a year ago over career paths, and has barely talked to him since. I’m sort of in the same boat, I’m not as close with him as I used to be due to him causing us to be late to my hospital appointment in favor of dropping my twin off at school.
He came to our door last night to pick something up for my twin who was currently staying there, and I talked to him about College and caught up with him a bit. He spoke to Rainbow about his current career, and I didn’t hear anything particularly jabby from my place in the kitchen. However, Rainbow later claimed our dad had lectured him several times in 1 conversation, and blamed me for keeping him at the door and playing “Happy Families”.
This could be a miscommunication and me not picking up on tone and implied meaning well, or his view of the conversation being warped by his dislike for our dad.
Today, he and I went out to the shops to pick up some stuff for dinner. He was ranting a little about our mum like he usually does whenever we’re doing something together, but when we got home he said something that made me really upset.
Rainbow claimed that the only reason he had bought me food for the night was so he didn’t get in trouble with our mum, as he was sure I would have “run to her” if he hadn’t bought me anything. (I probably wouldn’t have cared.)
Rainbow’s also heading out on a lot of holidays and nights out over the next 2 months which he’s trying to save for and said that if he didn’t buy me anything for tonight and tomorrow, then the price of the shopping would have been half of what it was.
I’m now considering texting my dad to ask him if I can pack a bag, walk over, and stay for the night since it seems that Rainbow’s only motivation for feeding me would be so that he doesn’t get in trouble. However, Rainbow said that he was planning on having a “gaming session” with me later in the evening, and I’d feel like a jerk if I walked out on it, despite not really wanting to be here right now.
So, WIBTJ if I left and slept at my dad’s for the night?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you’re really anxious to have people approve of you and not take up too much space. You haven’t done anything unreasonable, and you can’t change the way you feel. It’s reasonable to want to be able to eat healthy food! NTJ.” Parsimonycake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your 18-year-old bro shouldn’t be responsible for you when mom is gone, especially since you have a dad within walking distance. If you feel so uncomfortable leave, but you have food why not play?” Oycun1
3. AITJ For Getting Back At My Partner By Playing Music He Doesn't Like?
“Okay this is really pretty silly and not be taken too seriously, we’re mostly messing with each other (I think?) so no ‘leave and sue him’ comments pls.
So my partner and I have been together for 5 years and live together. We have a lot of artists we both like, but one that he likes that I don’t is Bob Dylan. I know that’s controversial, I know he’s a ‘legend’, I just find his voice grating. Additionally, I like Taylor Swift and he does not.
We have a speaker setup in our house and in the car, and both put on music often. One thing I never play outside of when I’m alone or through headphones is Taylor Swift because I know he doesn’t like her. He does not extend this same courtesy. Despite me saying 100+ times that I don’t like him and asking him to play something else, he persists.
So recently (past week), I’ve been playing Taylor Swift nonstop. I don’t even like her that much, but every time I remember to do this petty thing I do. At first, he was just rolling his eyes and laughing a bit. Making comments that he doesn’t like her and occasionally asking to turn it off. I do but then play it again later (like he does with Bob Dylan).
He’s been seemingly playing Bob Dylan even more now, so I figured we were having some lighthearted fun. This morning though he came to me saying that he feels like I’m not respecting his boundaries and purposely trying to upset him. This isn’t true, I was doing it to be petty and mostly thought it was funny, but did find it hypocritical now since I’m literally doing the thing he’s done to me for years now.
I told him how I’ve been doing it on purpose, to make a point since he never stops playing Bob Dylan even after I’ve asked him not to many times. He says ‘it’s just not a big deal, he’s really good,’ and I then applied the same logic to Taylor Swift and he seemed to get genuinely upset and left the room.
Now I kinda feel like a jerk. I wasn’t trying to seriously hurt him, I thought it would be kinda funny and snarky.
I’m going to apologize regardless because I realize now that I was being petty and it obviously upset him, but AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, you’re both being obnoxious and petty, but you at least admit you’re being obnoxious and petty.
He, on the other hand, has made it clear he plans to go on being obnoxious and petty because he’s decided that shouldn’t bother you, even though you ignoring his preferences is apparently cause for a big ‘respect my boundaries’ lecture. And you feel compelled to apologize to him without any apparent acknowledgment on his part this is a problem why, exactly?” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because both Taylor Swift and Bob Dylan are awesome. I suggest a truce where you make a 50-song playlist where you contribute 25 great Taylor swift songs you think he might like, and he contributes 25 great Bob Dylan songs that he thinks you might enjoy.” ToojMajal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, also on a very serious note if he is really enjoying his music then why not opt for some really good headphones?
Unless you’ve got some serious money poured into the speakers that are playing the music, it’ll sound magnitudes better through a decent pair of headphones. It also means you aren’t inflicting your current favorite track on your partner. Soft jerk for your partner since he’s being a deliberate wind-up merchant
I know my music taste isn’t my other half’s cup of tea so I splashed on a very nice headphone setup and now she’s stealing it to listen to her god awfu… I mean different and probably lovely music.” Vox_Casei
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Visit My Husband's Twin Anymore?
“I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we’ve been married for one. We live in Northern California, but his family is spread all over the US. His twin brother recently moved about 3.5 hours away from us and bought a bed and breakfast.
We allowed his brother and his two dogs to live with us for 2.5 months while he was finalizing the deal. Then he moved to the b&b (he had to open immediately because he’s in quite a bit of debt now) and his wife moved up from Arizona. They immediately started asking us to go help run the business (with no mention of pay).
They often mention that they’re having a hard time running it and really would like us to come up for a few weekends over the next few months. They’ve said they need help with maid service, customer service, and other general daily tasks.
My husband and I do not want to do that. My husband basically told him no, that we’re very busy here (we run two extremely busy businesses and no one has ever helped us with them) and his twin got huffy.
His mom and dad also keep asking him if we’re going to help, insinuating that we’re being selfish by not. Keep in mind that we are excellent hosts whenever anyone visits us and they all take advantage of that – eating our food, using our home, borrowing our cars, and never once offering to pay.
His brother invited us last month to go and check out the property.
We thought it would be nice to see it. They offered us one of the smaller rooms out back that happened to be vacant. We brought lots of food, our own drinks, and stopped to pick up some rather pricy things that they needed (with no reimbursement mentioned). But we had to do housekeeping in our own room, had to help them with many different tasks, and had small digs thrown at us.
For example, they made some sarcastic comments about how we just seemed ‘too eager’ to help. They also tried to lock us down for more weekends (to do yard work and maid work) which we did not commit to. His dad kept saying things like: don’t you care about your brother’s business? I feel it’s honestly not our fault that he’s made a poor financial decision (this is not his first one).
When we got back, I told my husband I wouldn’t be going anymore. He was upset because that’s the only way he can see his twin (they said they’re too busy to visit us) and said he hopes we can just go rarely and try to avoid getting sucked in. But I told him I’m at the end of my rope and just honestly can’t go again.
It’s been many years of being used, without any reciprocation. I can’t take another trip. I’m also angry at them FOR my husband because he was treated badly well before I came around and went along with it for years and years (with his whole family, not just the twin). When we DO help there’s never even a thank you – it’s expected. Husband doesn’t want to talk to them about it.
AITJ for refusing to try again?”
Another User Comments:
“You are the opposite of a jerk, you are setting boundaries and sticking to them. I think the best decision would be to remain firm. The fact that you guys gave in and went once already gives them hope that they can get you both to come back.
Also, the fact that your brother-in-law has no interest in seeing you or your husband if you will not help them with their failing business is not your fault at all.
It seems like your brother’s family may be freaking out a little bit because they can usually rely on your husband to sacrifice his own well-being in favor of theirs and you are helping him be more focused on his own needs.” okaylfg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re setting a boundary and it’s upsetting your husband because he feels torn.
It also sounds like his family has never allowed him to have boundaries. I would tell your husband you personally don’t want to go, but that he’s welcome to go by himself if he pleases. They sound like they don’t even want to see you both, that they just want to take advantage of the extra hands and free things they can get.
My partner helped out his family for much of his early twenties until we started a family of our own. They didn’t treat him well growing up, he was the black sheep, yet relied on him heavily (financially) once he was an adult. I never understood why he bent over backward for his family when they didn’t treat him well.
It took lots of talking and us having our baby for him to finally take a step back. Talk to him, tell him you don’t appreciate the way they treat him and you’ll no longer allow that in your presence. Set the boundary and stick to it. And explain that they’re the jerk for only spending time with him for a handout.” Silly-Simple5413
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I am also a twin. When people ask me if am still close with my brother, I respond, not as close as my wife. I agree with the other comments that suggest letting him go to see his brother. Your boundary is, I don’t want to feel taken advantage of.
It’s true that twins grow up together, spend all their time together, and usually think the same way, however, that stops after they move apart, find partners, and start growing in different ways.
They are still two different people, they didn’t marry each other, did they?
OP is right, she needs to have boundaries, state them and have them not only respected, but considered for all future plans.” [deleted]
1. WIBTJ For Changing The Wedding Party Colors?
“I (29NB) am getting married to my fiance (30M) in May 2023. We’ve been together for 12 years (13 as of the wedding) and I’m so excited. I’m currently in the early stages of wedding planning. I know the color scheme for the wedding, the theme, the venue, etc…
The theme is a mix between whimsical fantasy fairy tale and steampunk-esque industrial. I’m calling it “Lost City”.
I’ve only asked my best friend to be my Maid Of Honor so far. I have three friends I’ll ask to be my bridesmaids. For each of them, I have a box of goodies planned out to give them in their favorite colors (Blue, green, pink, and purple respectively) of items to wear for the wedding and the photoshoot.
Now instead of having an engagement photoshoot, I want to do a shoot of me and my Bridal Party in fairy wings and being magical fairies in a redwood forest (because yes, I am 5).
Originally, I was going to have the MoH wear blue and the BMs wear purple. Then my MoH asked if her daughter – my goddaughter and flower girl – was going to be in the photoshoot. I wasn’t originally thinking she would be but I figured, sure. She and my niece (the other flower girl) could be in the shoot.
Then I had the idea of making my BP wear pastel rainbow colors because I love rainbows and that’s kind of my jam.
That meant that my flower girls would be in orange and yellow. The MoH picked out a blue dress for her daughter already. I asked about her being in orange and she really didn’t like the idea.
We looked at dresses and she just wasn’t into it. I don’t blame her, orange is my least favorite color too. When I mentioned I wanted a pastel rainbow instead of the original blue/purple theme she said she didn’t like that idea. That it’s too trendy right now and she’s worried it’s going to look cliche in the future and she was really excited about the dress she picked out for her little girl.
It’s my wedding? I keep getting told to tone it down by family and my fiancé. Which I’ve done. I’ve listened to him and my mom but this photoshoot is something I really want to do. A part of me wants to say forget it and just do it with me and my fiancé.
A little more info:
-
I’m not asking my bridal party to buy fancy dresses or even matching ones.
I want them to be comfortable and that’s the main goal. Come in a $10 sun dress from Shein for all I care.
-
I’ve only asked my MoH so far and been talking to her. I haven’t had a chance to ask anyone else due to being sick. So she’s the only one that knows about the original color choice.
-
My goddaughter, at the time of my wedding, will be 3.
My fiancé says he doesn’t care what colors we wear as long as I’m happy. And my MoH is saying she understands if I change it but I know she won’t be happy if I do.
So WIBTJ if I changed my wedding party colors from blue/purple to pastel rainbow?”
Another User Comments:
“Your question seems to apply to the photoshoot of you and your friends, and not to your wedding.
Is that correct?
Separate the photo shoot conversation from the wedding conversation, if at all possible.
Whatever colors you want for the photo shoot, go for it.
Aside from that, whatever colors you want for the wedding, go for that.
Just make up your mind and then communicate clearly in order to prevent confusion for your loved ones, and go with it.
If you want another photo shoot in the future, you can always have a different photo shoot in the future, especially as your goddaughter grows up over the years. The photo shoot is not a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
If you want a photo shoot with your goddaughter in an orange dress, and your friend wants to have a photoshoot with her daughter in a blue dress, then your friend can have a photo shoot with her daughter in a blue dress (she can pay for it, but setting it up to piggyback on YOUR photo shoot you’ve arranged can be a/your gift to her).
NTJ, just be courteous by making up your mind and then communicating clearly and simply what you need from your friends.” No-Expert5800
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wedding photos, your choice, nobody but you gets a say, and they rather have to******* up or not participate, you’re no bridezilla and I don’t think your soon-to-be husband gets a choice either in this because this is your set of photos with your maids and flower girl.
Trust me don’t second guess, you deserve the day you dream of.” OtherwiseYam5235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is your wedding, so it is a matter to you and your fiance to decide the theme. At worst, you may be investing a bit heavily in your vision, but that is pretty much the point of having a themed wedding.
I defy any 3-year-old child to look less than gorgeous dressed as a fairy of any color.
And most 3-year-olds will be happy with anything with wings and lots of sparkles.
From what you describe, the flower girl’s color could be orange or red or yellow – so there may be a bit of flexibility… Or your MoH could swap colors with her daughter!” canberrastreets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Please rethink this. Spend this money on a fantasy honeymoon or hobbit house.
Spend the time on something fun for everybody. Yes, it’s your wedding, that’s one day, you don’t get to take over huge chunks of your friends’ time and energy for your vision with pre-wedding photoshoots and who knows what else you might want. Your MOH and bridesmaids have lives of their own. Be happy to have them show up the day of the wedding and stand next to you.” sillyfacex3
