People Want Us To Enlighten Them On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Asking To Be Paid Despite Owing This Guy A Favor?
“I (16m) am friends with a senior (18m) who helped me out with one of my school projects last year for a mentorship program I took part in.
Recently I ran into him again.
Because I’ve always been pretty good at math, he asked me to tutor his little sister (13f) as a favor in return for helping me last year.
I said ok, but I could only do 2 hours the next day.
He agreed and on that day, I headed to his house to tutor.
However, we had a lot of material to cover because his sister hasn’t been listening in class for a while. I couldn’t finish everything in 2 hours, but I already had other plans and it wasn’t like I was being paid or anything.
The next day the guy texted me asking me to come over again to finish teaching. I was kind of irritated because I felt I already fulfilled my end of the deal. But his sister was a nice kid so I agreed.
I taught for 5 HOURS and by then I had taught her 4 chapters worth of math. I was tutoring from 3 pm till 8 pm and her mum provided me with dinner.
I went home kind of angry because I didn’t have any time to do any of my own stuff anymore.
Again, I was doing this as a favor.
The NEXT DAY HE TEXTS ME AGAIN saying how he needs me to come over AGAIN because she doesn’t understand one of the chapters. I told him that if I was going to teach her again I wanted to be paid $15/h, which is my usual rate (because I tutor some of my parents’ friends’ kids.)
He told me that I owed it to him to do it for free because he DID help me with my project quite a bit and helped me get high grades. I admit that he did help me a lot, but I don’t think it’s worth it because technically he’s FORCED to help me.
He signed up for the mentorship program and I literally didn’t force him to help me anyways.
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable by asking to be paid. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not this person’s slave for the rest of your life.
If you’ve spent an equitable amount of time returning the favor you’re done. You got upset the other day but it was your responsibility to stand up and take leave. You realized this and instead of continuing the pattern you’ve changed it (honestly, good on you for this one, a lot of people don’t have the wherewithal or strength to pull this move and just end up angry, resentful, and with a victim mentality).
You stood up for yourself and what you believe is fair and now they can take it or leave it.” HarnessMeDesignsOUB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Handshake deals with ambiguous terms are never a good idea, and I hope you’ve learned that lesson.
Unless that senior spent more than seven hours helping you with that project, I’d say your obligation is complete, and you are within the moral green zone to ask for compensation for future tutoring.
If this was because of a mentoring program, and he was part of it, then whatever credit or lines for his resume he got for being a mentor are what he got for helping you with that project.
At this point, he’s trying to take advantage of you, and that’s jerk behavior.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, you don’t owe this kid or his family anything, much less the 7 hours you’ve already given them. Don’t forget that students participating in mentorship programs get something out of that too, at the very least he’s able to use it on his resume and college applications.
Homie didn’t help you out of the kindness of his heart or so you would owe him in the future, he helped you because he signed up for a program to help you. You don’t owe him anything.” JBagginsKK
20. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Constantly Ditching Our Plans?
“My significant other is a poor planner. Most of our conflicts have been about him forgetting we had something planned, him double committing, and canceling on me last minute. Some examples: canceling a dinner I organized for my friends to meet him, canceling dinner with my family, and canceling a gym session he invited me to.
All these cancellations were last minute, ranging from one day to one hour in advance, leaving me unable to make alternative plans. All these cancellations were due to either networking drinks or unforeseen family reunions. I shared my frustration over his disrespect over my schedule and I felt like he genuinely wanted to do better.
And for a while, it seemed like he did.
The other day he asked if I wanted to have this special set dinner with him, to which I excitedly said yes and blocked out the date. Turns out, there was only one seat left and his other friends already booked the other spots (I didn’t know it was a group thing).
He says he won’t go if I can’t go, then backtracks and asks if he can go with his friends. I felt frustrated, but at the same time guilty for saying no. I was torn because while I wanted him to have a night with the guys, I felt selfish because now I’m the one without a plan, again.
To be honest, inside, I felt mad at him for even asking because I did not want the burden of being selfish and telling him no.
Today, he drove 2h out of town with his friend, a trip he does every now and then.
He always tells me it’s just a day trip and he’ll stay over at my place after (we don’t live together officially). Sometimes, he decides last minute to just stay the night there. I clarified with him that if he wants to stay the night there, I am completely fine with it but just let me know in advance so I’m not expecting him to stay over, work my plans around that, only to be bailed on.
Then, of course, the text comes that he might just stay the night because they have to do work there tomorrow anyway, and ‘what do you think about it?’ I told him I was annoyed that he once again changes the plan last minute.
He says he’ll come home then. After an hour, he messages me saying that the people there made dinner, etc.
I blew up at him and said that he ‘doesn’t get to make me feel bad for not being OK with him changing plans last minute’.
I told him that he ‘gives me the illusion of a choice when I don’t even want to have to make that decision in the first place’. I accused him of ‘burdening me with the decision so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty about bailing on me and that if he was to bail on me, he should at least live with the guilt’.
I might be the jerk because he should be allowed to ask for my opinion and have the freedom to do and ask what he wants. However, my ex was a narc who constantly accused me of being ‘controlling’ for verbalizing, what I now know, to be reasonable needs (i.e. please check up on me because I have a fever) so Idk if my perception is just skewed. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SO has consistently shown that he does not respect you or your time. You’ve told him about your frustration about his bad planning, but he refuses to change. Not only that, but he expects you to be OK with his last-minute changes even though you have made it abundantly clear that you are not.
Face it – your SO thinks only of himself – he is either incapable or unwilling to consider the effect his actions have on other people, and he is unwilling to change.
You need to ask yourself: how much longer are you willing to live like this?
Because he really is unlikely to change.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are just a convenience, not a priority. Been there with a narc as well. And it taught me to use the grey rock approach. And I am petty enough to bail on him and see whether he likes it.
‘Hey sweetie, let’s go to a great restaurant?’ Then an hour before ‘sorry, but I made other plans, you do understand don’t you?’ Just make other plans yourself. ‘I didn’t think you would follow through, so I made other plans, you do understand don’t you?'” nellyfenwick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but decide if you want to live like this. If he wanted to change, he would, but he’s totally happy making you fifth or sixth priority in whatever it is he has going on and has no respect for your time.
He wants to have buddy playtime and run off to his family whenever and still expects to have a partner when he comes home.” Sea-Mud5386
19. WIBTJ If I Took My Mom To Court?
“At the end of college (October 2021) my mother offered me some work to do under her as a herd tester. In exchange, she would pay me between $25-$35 an hour (depending on the client) and would let me utilize a company Ute so long as I used it for work purposes.
Now an important thing to know is that mom’s business had an agreement with another business (I’ll call it HQ). Basically what mom’s business did was it went out to its clients to get milk samples from the client’s cows, she would then deliver the samples to HQ to get tested, then HQ would send the results back to the client.
Well, starting around January 2022 mom started saying that she could only pay me whenever the clients paid their bills, now since I had heaps in my savings I thought it was okay since I was still in the green financially speaking.
By March though HQ gave me an offer to work as a private contractor (under them) to get samples from a different area than mom’s (as there were new clients there and no one was covering their area). In exchange, they’d give me a house, a retainer that would pay all my rent, insurance, and phone bills and they’d give me a NEW company ute under the HQ banner.
They offered me this as they were sick of mom not being reliable and they planned to stick with the reliable reputation that I had earned. I took this offer straight away and since March 2022 I have gained double the clients as I initially intended and have been growing rapidly since then.
Now, mom was obviously annoyed that her own son had ditched her business and went to start a rival one in a different area. I started receiving calls about me being a ‘traitor’ and ‘how could you do this to your own mother!!!’ Now honestly I could’ve forgiven her for this, she helped me get my car (paid for by the money she paid me before), helped me when I needed work and everything so I was basically being a pushover with her until she mentioned not having to pay me.
That was a big No No, but by this stage, she had barely paid me since January. All up she owed me approximately $4,500 of income.
This immediately turned me the wrong way and a lot of things were said, she claimed that I ‘wasn’t her employee’ and that she didn’t legally have to pay me since I ‘no longer worked for her’.
Then I started bringing out how illegal that would be since I have PROOF of her signing all my time and I have all the paperwork to conclude how much she has to pay me, there wouldn’t even be a case!!!
She ended the call daring me to take her to court because I’ll have to ‘pay her for wasting the court’s time’ and that they’ll ‘laugh me out of court’. Now I’m in a ditch, I just don’t want to give up on the $4,500 that I worked on and I planned to go to Canada for a vacation with that money.
Would I be the jerk if I took her to court for my well-earned money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Start with a calm and even-toned meeting to discuss funds owed. ‘Mom, I love you, but I need the funds you promised me.
I had plans for that money, and if you care about our relationship I think you’ll see things my way.’ If she replies in the negative move to step 2.
Step 2 of your claim is a final demand letter. The letter outlines the debt, the timeline for repayment to prevent a filing, and the possible outcomes if a judgment is issued. There are many ‘final demand letter’ templates to be found online.
Simply insert the pertinent info, print it, and have it delivered by registered mail. The timeline is usually 10 days for full payment or a written agreement for payment over time as agreed by both parties.
Keep in mind, that small claims take time.
Especially since 2020. I’m talking years for enforcement. If you have a written agreement, you could likely get a default judgment, so long as mom doesn’t file a defense. This means within a month or so, you will have your judgment against her which you can then have enforced.
Enforcement takes many forms. Liens on homes, garnishment of paychecks, seizing of bank accounts. If you have the pertinent info for any of these assets you should be able to enact enforcement rather quickly and get your funds.
A judgment against you in small claims court shows up in your credit history and can affect your credit rating for a decade.
So in the end, your mother will have to pay the wages owed, have her bank account frozen, have her credit rating tarnished, have to pay your court costs (usually around $600) and all it will cost you is your relationship with your mother.” beejmusic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for several reasons: she owes you that money, she can’t just decide she doesn’t want to pay it anymore, you didn’t start a directly competing business with her, you started a similar business competing in another market area, and you had a better opportunity and you took it, that should always be done and as a family, she should look at it as being better for the family as a whole.
While you are NTJ and you wouldn’t be the jerk for taking her to court, I still wouldn’t do it in your situation. The reason for this is you mentioned making $35/hr under your mom. You took this other offer because it was better and having double the clients I think I can assume you are at least making $40/hr on average now.
That is ~$80k/yr. So you would take your mom to court over funds that you can make back in ~3 weeks of work? To me that is worth just taking the high road and going back to her and saying something like:
‘I took the best work option for my life/career and didn’t believe it would impact your business because I am in a different region. I’m sorry if that leaves you in a tough spot and I appreciate what you did for me when I needed the help.
Since you are struggling now I’d like to repay that kindness with my own and let you know you don’t have to worry about paying me the rest of what I am owed. However, I don’t appreciate the way you have treated me for my decisions and would like an apology from you.'” uberleetYO
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She should be proud of you as a mother not jealous. Withholding pay that you are owed is definitely illegal and she can even lose her business license. I would definitely consult an Employment attorney.
This needs to be nipped in the bud–you don’t know how she might try to sabotage your future. She is a huge jerk for exploiting her own son. Yes, you are being exploited. (This should not be considered legal advice or representation.)” dracopalidine
18. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Apologize For Outing Me?
“3 months ago I came out as a lesbian to my parents. They took the news surprisingly well, ever since then they have been trying to learn more and more about the LGBTQ+ community.
The thing is, they are the only people I told. We are in a very conservative town so all of that is not acceptable here, you’ll become an outcast. I saw it happen a few times to kids when I was younger, it’s very upsetting.
The other day I had one of my friends come up and ask ‘hey, there is a rumor going around town that you’re lesbian’ then laugh. I was mortified. When I was walking down the hall everyone kept staring at me like I was a freak.
When I got home I immediately asked my mom if she or my dad told anyone about my identity. She then started telling me a story about how she told our neighbors when she was talking to them but she reassured me they promised not to tell.
I was upset and told her she had no right to out me to our neighbors even if they promised not to share. She got defensive saying that she was just trying to help me become more confident.
This is what set me off.
I demanded an apology and told her that she knows the town we live in and that won’t help me before more ‘confident’. She refused to apologize and told me that she knows that she did the right thing and I’m just being ungrateful.
My dad says I’m being harsh and that sometimes outing people can be a good idea. Am I really in the wrong for demanding an apology?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So you said your parents are trying to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community.
This is a very important learning opportunity for them. It sounds like your mom may not respond well to being antagonized, as she got defensive. (Even though you being upset is very valid. I’ve gotten mad at my parents for blabbing on things to others that were much less serious.) I would sit down with them with a well-planned out explanation… or lesson, if you will, as to why what they did was very dangerous and very wrong.
Teach them about Matthew Shepard. Teach them about how important it is for YOU as the LGBTQ+ to come out to people when you’re comfortable and ready. You have to build your own confidence and not be pushed into it, especially as it could potentially put you in a very dangerous situation.
Is there an LGBTQ+ nonprofit or Pride organization in a town or city near you? Reach out to their board members and see if someone could help you prepare some resources to provide to your parents?” grimviolins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one gets to pull you out of the closet. I can only hope that your mother actually had good intentions, but the fact of the matter is, it’s not up to her or your father to make these decisions for you.
You should sit down and have a discussion with your parents, about why you wanted it to be kept secret. Let them know about the other kids who have been bullied at school, and why you’re not comfortable being out in a community where you don’t feel safe/supported. Let them know that coming out has ended badly for other LGBTQ youth in conservative areas and that they can’t promise your safety if they expose you like that.
And remind them, that coming out is scary, and it doesn’t matter how they feel about it. Coming out should always be your choice, and they robbed you of that choice, and might have negatively impacted your life because of it.” Alternative_Step_629
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You trusted them with your deepest secret.
They let you down and are not taking responsibility.
It’s like they think you are three years old or something.
It’s unlikely you will ever get an apology from them.
From this moment on, tell them nothing about your private life.
This is a massive break of trust. Do not trust them with anything else – ever.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You deserved so much more from your parents of all people.” SassyPieHole173
17. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Homeschool Her Kids?
“I am 27F. My sister is 30F. She has 4 kids – 10F, 8M & F, and 6F.
For additional background, my sister is a stay-at-home mom and her husband works 9-5 throughout the week. I have a fairly good relationship with my sister and her children, and I’ve provided regular childcare for her since her oldest daughter was a newborn.
My sister has recently decided she doesn’t like the local public schools. She’s discussed alternatives with me before and I’ve recommended to her the private school that my friends’ children attend. It’s highly ranked and everyone I know likes it.
For the most part, she hasn’t been too enthusiastic about the idea. She kept bringing up homeschooling and I would just try and redirect her, never being too firm against it.
The other day, she came over and told me she’d made up her mind.
She decided that she would not send her children back to school at the end of the year and would instead be homeschooling. I told her, truthfully, that I didn’t think that would be successful. She laid out her plan to me, which was not really a plan, just her saying she would teach the children from 8-3 and then they would be able to be together as a family for the rest of the day.
I reminded her that she barely got through high school. She has no college degree. Her husband does, but he works all day and won’t be the main person teaching them. My oldest niece is incredibly social and loves the structure of her school – she wants to be a teacher when she grows up.
I told her that her family can afford the private school and that she needs to make a decision that is best for her children. She told me I don’t have a right to criticize because I don’t have children and I’m not a professional. I agreed with her, but I told her that I know her kids and I think this is going to be a misstep.
She was really upset by this and told me she felt hurt that I didn’t trust her to educate her children.
I told her I trust her as a mother, not as a teacher and that made her cry. Admittedly, I was getting a little frustrated and I definitely was snappish with her.
I told her that she should probably go so we could calm down. She said that she isn’t changing her mind and I said okay, but I was not going to endorse it. That made her more upset.
She has always been the family baby and our parents are on me about being so mean to her.
They’re upset that I was judgemental. I want to see if this is something I really should concede on and just accept, or if it’s right for me to hold firm.
AITJ for telling my sister not to homeschool?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister is looking at this from a selfish standpoint and not what’s best for the kids. Homeschooling is more than an 8-3 thing. It needs structure, it will be highly involved with all the new things being taught in school now, and it will be filled with questions that she will not know the answer to.
She needs to be up to date with everything being taught, so the kids won’t get behind. Also, when it comes to socializing, she needs to make sure that is taken care of as well.
Homeschool can be great or it can backfire completely.
She doesn’t want to make a selfish decision now that is only going to hurt her kids later in life. Sounds like she somewhat thought about things and figures she can do it. Has she really done the research and looked at the overall benefit of things?
Look at what happened these past few years. Many kids got behind and have to do summer schooling or repeat the year to catch back up. For some, it worked out well. It depends on the kids and how they learn best. Your sister needs to look at what’s best for the kids and not what she wants to do.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just a difference of opinion. It’s never wise to try to parent someone else’s children. But if she’s doing homeschooling correctly she’s not just left to twist in the wind. She’ll have to register and receive all the district-approved materials and she’ll have to reach certain educational milestones with the kids (or else they’ll be considered truant).
If she’s doing this within the guidelines it should be fine. However, if she’s just cobbled together her own curriculum and is winging it that would be a problem. That said, private school isn’t cheap, especially for four kids. So you were being a bit flip in tossing that out there like it’s an option for everyone.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While there are homeschooling groups for kids to get together and socialize, they don’t provide the same structure as the typical school setting you say your niece thrives on. And the fact that your sister says she plans on homeschooling her kids from ‘8-3 every day’ shows she hasn’t done her homework on homeschooling and isn’t prepared. A typical homeschool program only lasts half a day!
The other half day of learning is made up of extracurriculars such as violin lessons, karate, and dance classes.
And just because they can afford private school doesn’t mean they can afford to homeschool four kids. Depending on the program they pick, that can get quite expensive!
But you may as well let this go. She’s going to forge ahead and you are merely a spectator at this point. Parents are really free to make whatever decisions they want, even if it’s selfish and contrary to the children’s best interests.
Don’t jump into the fray when she starts sinking, but don’t say ‘I told you so’ either. She’ll remember that on her own.
If you’re lucky, you live in a state where the kids have to be tested periodically and those who fall behind must return to classroom instruction.” onecrazywriter
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are correct that it sounds like your sister is not prepared. The fact that she thinks kids 10 & under need 7 hours of homeschooling per day shows that she probably doesn’t understand what real homeschooling entails (it’s generally like 4 hours per day for high schoolers and less for younger kids).
I also get why your sister is upset that you are so sure she will fail before she’s tried, and I get why she feels judged for her high school struggles. I have friends who were homeschooled by mothers who did not go to college and did not excel in high school.
They were still great homeschool teachers. My friends went to prestigious colleges, and one went to law school and has clerked for multiple federal judges.
Your sister could conceivably homeschool her kids well if she studied curriculums, got the necessary materials, and really focused on it.
She has the time since she has already set aside way more time than homeschooling takes.
Is there any chance you could talk to your sister and assure her that it’s not that you think she’s too dumb to teach, but that you’re just worried she hasn’t put in the necessary effort to be an effective teacher for her kids?
You can ask her what she has done to prepare like finding specific curriculums, what research she did to find those curriculums, deciding how each school day will look, etc. If your sister has not prepared and still insists that she can homeschool without the necessary effort, it would be clearer that your sister would not be doing right by her kids and you would not be the jerk.” Jellyfish1297
Then sit back and watch. It will become evident soon enough as to whether it was a good or bad choice.
16. AITJ For Arguing With My Mom About A Dog Collar?
“About 2 months ago while I was at University, my mum told me her husband threw away my dog’s old collar with the excuse ‘It had mold on it’ after I had asked her if she knew where the collar was.
We had an argument on discord about it and it wasn’t pleasant. I knew the dog collar didn’t have mold on it, I kept it clean and safe as it’s important to me as well as the fact my sister stated that it couldn’t have been moldy.
I ended the argument by saying to her ‘We are both in the wrong, you threw away something I explicitly asked to be kept, just own up to it.’ The reason I stated I was in the wrong was because I was quite upset and therefore snippy about it which I have apologized for since.
Between this time and the time I went back to visit, her husband went out to find the collar and my mum’s exact words were:
Mum: ‘He did it because he knew how upset I was over the entire thing.
Honestly, I considered not telling you for a few weeks, you really hurt me with your behavior. But then both of us would be hurting, and that doesn’t sit well with me.’
Me: ‘I’m glad he found it, thank you, both of you.’
Mum (approximately 10 minutes after I had responded) – ‘So I’m glad he found it too – glad he went out to look for it in the dark, cold rain, because it’s important to you x.’ (It’s important to note that my mum has a habit of playing the victim and trying to guilt both myself and my sister into feeling bad if she’s done something wrong or when it comes to her husband.)
It all came to a head when I was back visiting from university a week and a half ago and I wanted to have a genuine conversation with her and I told her under no terms was I trying to start an argument but I want to know why she lied to me about the dog collar and then tried to guilt trip me with the whole ‘Husband went out in the cold rain to find it’ and she blew up on my asking me ‘who do you think you are’, ‘you had/have no right talking to me like that’, ‘you’re ungrateful’, ‘Husband went to look for that in the rain’, this went on for about 5 minutes of her just shouting and screaming at me
My exact question was ‘I’d like to know why you didn’t apologize after lying about the dog collar?’
After she had finished yelling and screaming at me she said ‘Look, I shouldn’t have lied but you know I would never throw something away you care about on purpose but if it helps, I’m sorry’ and after she said that I got up and said ‘You always told me actions have consequences and now here are yours, I won’t forgive you’ and then proceeded to leave the room as I didn’t want to sit there and be shouted at anymore.
So AITJ for not forgiving my mum after she screamed at me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The thing with apologies is, that if you’re on the receiving end, you should be emotionally and mentally ready to accept the person’s apology before saying so.
Otherwise, the situation is left unsolved and it can leave everyone feeling tense and bitter.
I’ve done this with my ex many times. If we had a hearty disagreement and I wasn’t in a place to accept his ‘sorry’, I would simmer down before touching base with him afterward.
It actually improved our relationship after we broke up because I learned to honor my feelings and allow them to be rather than pushing them to the side and ignoring them.
I think in your situation you have a right to let your feelings ride out.
Just don’t allow them to overcome you. Once you’re ready to accept her apology, let her know. then you can let bygones be bygones.” Raen_Writes
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. What is your goal in repeatedly riling up your mom on a situation you know she isn’t going to give in on?
Seems like you’re focused on proving a point above all else. Take the collar with you when you leave. Problem solved. You aren’t going to change your mom, as much as you’d like to.” Eastern_Amphibian385
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom is a classic jerk doing standard DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) tactics. Proud of you for calmly rejecting her manipulation. That’s a huge step! The next step is building your confidence so next time you don’t feel the need to come here, because you so clearly did nothing wrong and should have no doubts!” ThankKinsey
15. AITJ For Wanting To Distance Myself From My Best Friend?
“We have been very close since I was 15 and now we are both 23 (F).
She has had really bad insomnia since we were about 19 which recently has got a lot worse and led to her having a psychotic episode. I have my own trauma from my family situation that I have been working on in therapy while doing college.
This whole year of school we have been talking a lot on the phone but a lot of it has been me counseling her about her mental health and basically letting her offload on me. Which would be fine if it was less often.
But it got to the point where she was calling me constantly. Also when I would say don’t call me at X time she would call me anyway and then not apologize unless I acted a bit annoyed. She texts me constantly and then apologizes and then keeps texting me and gets annoyed if I don’t respond.
I stopped going to class at a time because I was just so depressed. After all, she was so unpredictable.
One day she would say I’m back to ‘normal’ and then the next she would be saying that she was seeing all the same psychosis signs again.
One day she would say she’s going to therapy and then the next she doesn’t think she needs it. She would call me and then immediately hang up to get me to ring her back.
My therapist realized that whenever something bad happens with her (i.e. she was sectioned twice) I really deteriorate.
We have always said we are very similar in a lot of positive ways like humor but recently she wants to share a lot of negative perceptions she has about herself with me as well and gets annoyed when I don’t think of myself in the way she describes.
Because I just want her to be happy often I would just agree and this would lead to long conversations where I would try to make her feel more normal by describing my own thinking patterns and life experiences and how they are also bad and similar to her and she would say she feels so good when she talks to me but I would leave the conversation feeling anxious.
When she came around my house recently I just felt so protective of myself and unsafe because she wanted to share all of my interests and small idiosyncrasies with me. I have forced her pretty much to see a therapist. She has a good family support system.
I am reasonably mentally well at the moment through hard work with my therapist. I just need space to grow and be my own person, not an extension of my emotionally abusive parents and not an extension of her either.
I’m finally starting to find out what I like/dislike and my opinions, what kind of home environment I want to create for myself. I think I need to celebrate this positive growth in me rather than being in this friendship.
I met up with her face to face and just said I love you but don’t call or text me until this date when I’ve handed in all my work, and I need space until I’m ready to be in your life again.
But I feel like a real villain because my parents have always described me as ‘selfish’ for setting boundaries with them or laughing at them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I’m really really happy you found a way and realized what YOU need!
Boundaries are important and it’s never bad to cut out people who aren’t good for you. You did what you could now it’s time to think about yourself. I was in a similar situation, but the friend ditched me after they found somebody to load their stuff on and years later I realized I should have been happy about that cause I didn’t lose a friend I lost an energy sucker.
I wish you the best of luck with everything!” mrscatastrophe
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has had to do the same, NTJ. If she has an issue with you setting a boundary, it’s proof the boundary was needed.
You also stated that you would straight up tell her ‘don’t call at this time’, and she refused to honor that. She’s not a friend, she’s a user. It took me too long to see that in my situation.
She is responsible for herself, you are responsible for yourself. Period
That’s not saying you can’t ever be friends with her or love her. But I would proceed with caution OP. You deserve better.” Jaytothemaymay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – these boundaries are necessary and going full no contact wouldn’t even be unreasonable. That is too much weight to carry around for anyone, but especially someone who has their own mental health focuses.” Amandafrancine
14. AITJ For Not Responding To The Birthday Invitation?
“My (33M) older (former?) step-sister (whom I will call ‘Y’, 40F) from my mother’s previous marriage is a huge flake.
She has a long history of saying that she will attend various functions, and just not showing up, or canceling after she was supposed to be there.
She has two daughters, and despite there not being any b***d relation or current family connection they have grown up calling me ‘uncle’.
They are honestly a couple of brats, but they do have their moments.
In the interest of brevity, I will say that there was a confrontation between Y and my grandfather where she was in the wrong. He had ordered a picture through her that he never received, and he ended up telling her to keep the money, and she went ballistic on him.
Fast forward about half a year, and the old man was diagnosed with lung cancer, with very little time left. This was a devastating blow to me, as I had grown up without my biological father and he was the closest thing I had to a father figure growing up.
About this time I got an invitation on social media for Y’s oldest daughter’s twelfth birthday. As mentioned she can be a bit of a brat. She has previously filmed me without consent and made TikTok videos of me, making fun of my weight and referencing me as some overweight Peppa Pig character, but then again, she is only a child and I shouldn’t harbor resentment – and like myself, she has grown up without her father, so I suppose I sympathize with her on some level – but the fact of the matter is, I don’t really like this child very much.
I never got around to responding to the invitation, and I didn’t go.
A few weeks later my wife unfriended Y on social media because she had gotten fed up with Y’s conspiracy theories and the various other weird stuff she posts.
The exact order of this is unclear to me, but this was around the time my grandfather passed away.
After a month or so, Y wrote a long angry message to me on social media, making a big deal out of why I didn’t bother to even send a card to my ‘niece’, and that if I had a problem with her I shouldn’t take it out on her children, and I could just unfriend her if I didn’t want anything to do with her.
Then she called my entire family spineless.
I never responded to that, either – but I also didn’t unfriend her.
I recently learned that she and her daughters were evicted, because she hadn’t paid her rent for a while, and I feel like I should reach out, but I am not feeling like opening this can of words.
AITj?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s totally realistic to avoid children based on their behavior or your relationship with the parents. This person sounds awful and you are lucky to basically be out of contact especially now that she needs help.
Don’t contact her unless you want 3 house guests living rent-free.” GhostPantherNiall
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Y is clearly trashy and you shouldn’t have to deal with her but that doesn’t mean you, who I’m guessing normally acknowledges your niece’s birthday, aren’t rude for not doing so this year especially when you’re close enough to get an invite.
(filming without consent is a dumb 11-year-old thing to do, just as an 11-year-old calling you daddy pig is. I don’t know what specifically else was said but if it was just that you’re really so pressed over it from a literal child that you choose not to acknowledge her birthday well that’s harsh.)
The child doesn’t suck here (she was 11 or younger, one decent conversation with her about why those things aren’t okay to do would probably have solved the issue.)” yeet-im-bored
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can see why she’s offended that you didn’t take the time to reach out to her, but she could have followed up with you too.
If you want to reach out to her now, really think about what that means, what will be expected of you, and tread carefully.” Eastern_Amphibian385
13. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Grandparents Access To My House?
“I (F22) live with my parents. My grandparents (85+) live nearby, and occasionally visit unannounced. Usually one of my parents is home to handle the visit.
This time I was home alone, so that came down to me. I am happy to let them in, especially as my grandma gets lonely and appreciates being able to have a chat with someone. But my grandpa… often does socially inappropriate things without even realizing it.
When confronted, he gets offended, which leads to a discussion, but ultimately he dismisses the protests and keeps behaving the same.
However my grandpa doesn’t mean any harm; In his view, his behavior is perfectly acceptable, and no matter how you argue, it doesn’t get through to him that this is not okay.
He’s the typical stubborn elderly person with an outdated worldview. The type who is immune to logic and rational facts.
So today; my Grandparents visited. I let them in. Grandpa rushes into our kitchen, rummages through the cupboards, and pulls out a beer.
(Note: My dad collects special beers, so besides generic beers, he has a personal collection of bottles of which he has just 1. On previous occasions, my grandpa ended up taking these special beers, and it led to drama.) He never asked if he could have a drink, never asked if it was okay to have that specific beer (despite previous drama where he was told that this behavior is unacceptable).
He took multiple drinks.
Next, he proceeded into our backyard, went to our herbs, then cut them to take the herbs home. My parents would be perfectly fine with him taking ‘some’ herbs, but not with him taking the entire plant.
Which he did, again after previous fights on the same matter. After that, they left. My grandma got dragged along for the ride. She also dreads his behavior, but she learned to keep quiet, as his behavior does not improve, and it just leads to bickering when she speaks up.
Now I feel terrible. I didn’t know how to properly handle the situation, and what I could/should have done. All I know is that my grandpa practically stole stuff from my parents, and I was the one responsible for letting him into the house.
Had I spoken up to him, it’d have led to a fight, where ultimately he would still have done as he pleased, as I hold no authority over him. But now my parents will come home, learn of this, and it will lead to another drama.
I truly dread being caught in the eye of the storm for something where I am not the perpetrator of the problem to begin with.
So with all that in mind, I have been contemplating if another situation arises where my grandparents are at the door and I’m home alone, to simply not let them into the house.
That of course would lead to its own range of hurt and fighting, but what I would feel most awful about is that I would also be punishing my grandma by doing so, while she already struggles with loneliness. So I ask of you all; If I denied my grandparents access to the house like that, would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Talk to your parents, ultimately they need to be the ones to establish boundaries around what is and isn’t OK for your grandparents to do in their home (and they need to be responsible for communicating these boundaries to your grandparents).
At the very least, they should be able to give you guidance on how they would like you to handle the situation moving forward. So sorry you’re caught in the middle of this.” salmonberrycreek
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Grandpa needs an assessment for cognitive decline ASAP. But otherwise, this just sounds like a family trying to make the best of a bad situation. You did what you thought your parents would have wanted in trying to protect their home.
Do talk to them about Grandpa’s medical needs though. The quick temper, the irrational actions… all of this sounds like the typical symptoms of dementia.” DplusLplusKplusM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But the outdated worldview is rationalizing someone’s garbage behavior because you love them.
The problem is it isn’t harmless. They’re not just going to act this way around the family. They are going to act this way all the time.
And there are people like me who won’t be nearly so kind as to ignore it in public regardless of age.” CantalopeHoneydew
12. WIBTJ If I Ditched My Friends?
“I (16F) have been friends with these people for almost a year now.
Today I had an appointment with child services because my mom mistreated me throughout my childhood, and finally, something is happening today. I was really nervous and told these friends all about it. But no one, except my best friend, wished me luck or even asked me how it went, or how I am feeling.
Instead, they are too busy smoking together.
Normally, I would have just brushed it off as forgetting something. But the problem is that these types of situations have been happening for about 2 months now. Every time my best friend and I say something, they don’t listen.
They talk over us and make the conversation about themselves. They are extremely manipulative and guilt trip me and my best friend a lot. They keep using smoking, drinking, stealing, and substance use as a thing to brag about, and I am done with it.
The police have been involved a few times as well and I do not feel comfortable engaging in those acts with them.
I have tried talking about these things with them and setting boundaries. Instead, they blamed me for not saying anything.
Today was the last straw, and I am done with it. WBITJ if I ditched them for not wishing me luck today?”
Another User Comments:
“If the only problem was them not wishing you luck, then YWBTJ as there might be many reasons for that (Eg them not feeling comfortable talking about those kinds of issues, not knowing what to say to you, that type of thing).
However, what you are saying is that there are many many problems in the ‘friendship’ and you don’t feel like they are treating you like a friend. You are NTJ for deciding you want to spend less time with people who behave in ways you don’t like – no matter what it is that they are doing that you don’t like.
The fact that the thing you don’t like is them using illegal stuff and getting in trouble with the police makes it even more important to walk away.
At 16, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but having a police record for various offenses can have a very long impact on your life.
It makes it harder to travel abroad, get a job, etc. I know two people who have offenses on their record and both cannot cross the border between US and Canada because the countries communicate and share records.” twiddlywerp
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Look girly-pop, everyone deserves to have individuals in their life who love and support them. And let’s be real, these ‘friends’ that you have are not it. They do not care about you in the least (harsh but it’s the truth) and you would be so foolish to allow them to continue to treat you this poorly.
Feel confident leaving them in the past, and have fun expanding your social circle to include individuals who will care about you. Life is too short, don’t waste it trying to make individuals like you. I promise you will find friends who will love you for who you are.” Outrageous_Theory_70
11. AITJ For Enforcing My Schedule On My Roommate?
“I bought an apartment (2 bedrooms appx 750 sq ft) 2 years ago and invited an old HS friend (25M) to live with me. In doing so I gave him a solid rate (3/4 of what the room would have typically rented for and no utility cost).
I work full-time from home (40 hours a week) and he is a part-time student and part-time worker. As in since moving in he typically works 6 hours a week (if at all) and takes two college-level classes at an online school (also about 6 hours of work a week).
The remainder of his time is spent primarily doing substances and gaming. His mom pays for his rent (and parking tickets – more on that later) and his dad pays for his school. He pays for living expenses on his credit cards (since he does not work much his CC debt continues to grow.)
Well, tension started building when he would consistently wake me up in the early AM 3-6 am when he was gaming/doing late night cooking/showering. His classes are typically an hour long (between 7 pm and 10 pm) and he has 2 classes a week.
He ‘works’ 1-3 days a week for 3 hours at a time in the mid-afternoon. So he decided that the most appropriate schedule for him would be wake up at 3 pm and sleep at 5 am.
I asked him on several occasions to keep it down as I have work in the AM and can be a light sleeper.
As a result, to combat his night noise, I have Alexa play white noise all night. Despite that, he still consistently wakes me up. I had several conversations with him about how the situation was untenable for me because his actions were affecting my work output (my boss had asked me why I was so tired lately and had to explain).
Each time he’d apologize and promise to be quieter, which he admittedly does for a time. The issue is that he always slinks back into the same old cycle and will slowly, but inevitably start waking me up again consistently at night.
I eventually issued him an ultimatum saying that if he couldn’t:
- change his sleep schedule so he wasn’t up from 3 pm – 6 am
- handle the misc issues as a result of his sleep schedule (having me handle all household chores since I’m up during the day and need access to what he made a mess of the night before, not being able to hold down a job bc of his schedule, still not going to the DMV after years, therefore, accruing thousands in parking tickets).
I would be forced to end our roommate situation at the end of the rental period.
So guess my question is AITJ for enforcing my schedule on him? Or should he be held accountable for his untenable living habits?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re not forcing a sleep schedule on him, you’re telling him what you need in a compatible roommate. Right now he’s not a compatible roommate for you. That’s no judgment on him as a person, it’s just saying you gots to get some sleep.
There’s nothing wrong with that.” grouchymonk1517
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re just not compatible roommates right now. You both would be happier with him living somewhere else. Getting mild jerk vibes for trying to be his parent. But in my opinion, that is just frustration from living with someone who is in a different life stage.
Stop being roommates and his schedule will have nothing to do with you.” Grey-Goat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like he still isn’t a responsible adult and doesn’t understand the requirements to be an individual living outside of his parents’ home.
You shouldn’t be the one teaching him basic life lessons, his parents should before he’s out of their house. Sounds like he needs to move back in with them, and learn the rule that if you use it in the household you should assist (on your own without having to be told) with the maintenance.
If he can’t see that having you do all the household chores isn’t a huge problem he’s not going to see why it’s an issue if he makes noise or has an opposite sleep schedule as you.
You should probably just tell him that given your differing lifestyles, living within close quarters could be harmful to your friendship.
Just because you get along with someone on a friendly basis, does not mean you can get along with them in the same home. That doesn’t make you a jerk. It makes you realistic.” AuntStroopwafel
10. WIBTJ If I Order Food From A Restaurant That's About To Close?
“My partner and I wanted to go to dinner the other night around 8:15.
I looked it up, and the restaurant we initially had chosen was closing at 9, so I decided to find another similar restaurant that closed at 10. By the time we could get there and order, it would be 8:40, and we are both slow eaters.
He said we should have gone with the initial restaurant despite the closing time because sit-down restaurants with bars (as opposed to fast food joints) take a while to clean and shut down after closing.
The workers have to be there for about an extra hour regardless if a few leftover patrons are there or not.
He said, ‘as long as the order is placed by 8:59, you’re good.’ My thought is that if a restaurant closes at 9, your food should be ordered and eaten, and you should be about to walk out the door at 9.
I’ve never worked as a server, he has. Thoughts on if people who order right before closing are jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
When a restaurant closes, they are closing down the kitchen, cleaning, etc. Closing doesn’t mean starting another order at closing hour.
They won’t kick you out at closing on the dot, but they expect you to be out the door shortly, like 15 min or so.
For take-out orders, if you order one minute before close, they have to close the box, then pack your order, and unlock the door when you come to pick up the food.
Not a good thing.” User
Another User Comments:
“You are correct. You would be a huge jerk for going to a restaurant 1 minute before they close. Most of those employees have just worked 8-12 hours on their feet running back and forth.
No one wants to stay late for one table who eats slow. Also, news flash, everything is pretty much done by closing so employees don’t have to stay after close.” Bright_Sea_7567
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Your partner is the type of person to walk in at that time and order a well-done steak.
Just because the kitchen closes at 9, doesn’t mean that ordering at 8.59 is acceptable because they’ve still got to close down. Unless he’s worked in the kitchen he will never understand the frustration and delay this causes on them even beginning to close down.
He, as a server, would just be thinking of the potential tip, by seating them.” HunterDangerous1366
9. AITJ For Yelling At A Nurse?
“I (30F) went to urgent care and they said I should go to ER since I have b***d in my urine (Hematuria) and I need more testing besides the urine test.
Went to ER, Nurse 1 is taking care of me, she said I might need a CT scan.
I gave them my urine (dark red b****y color) to test to start with. After 3 hours, they called me and Nurse 2 is saying I can go home. I started asking if they are going to do more testing and he said no. I asked for Nurse 1 and he raised his voice and said she left for the day and he can’t do anything and if I need a second opinion, I need to check in again.
I started raising my voice too saying that it won’t happen.
I went to the receptionist and she called another nurse 3 that took care of me. He is saying that I have a serious infection and that I need immediate care.
They gave me 2 shots and I fainted. Now, I wake up to 6 people around me putting 2 IVs in me. Took me later to the CT scan and did heart screening and some b***d tests.
I left the hospital that night.
I checked the report today, between Nurse 1 and Nurse 3, they changed my medication. They also have as a reason for the visit: female dysuria (discomfort when urinating). Lies, I was actually in pain when urinating, my kidneys and abdomen hurt, and was peeing b***d.
AITJ for asking for more diagnoses since I wasn’t feeling safe? Also, for feeling like I want to sue them now?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Women’s pain is so often overlooked in medical care.
I’ve yelled at my fair share of nurses, almost always with an apology after because they as a rule do not deserve it, despite being used to dealing with awful entitled people.
You were not an awful entitled person. A nurse shouldn’t raise their voice at a patient for questioning when they’ve been referred to the ER for a good reason.
This nurse did not act professionally, and you had every right to advocate for yourself to get the care you need and deserve.” synesthesiah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s negligence. Report it to the hospital and ask for the report to be corrected to what you reported to the ER. You couldn’t have survived if you didn’t get nurse 3. And why do you need to check back in just because nurse 2 didn’t want to do their job?
I would be speaking to a lawyer to protect myself when dealing with this hospital and their incompetent staff.” EspressoWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a lawyer is going to tell you a suit is useless unless you got seriously injured with lasting effects.
I had a similar experience but the hospital fixed the problem eventually… And that is what the lawyers said.
Also, this is such a trashy sucky experience and it is scary when the hospital messes up and your health and safety are on the line.
Sorry you had that experience.” zoobernut
8. WIBTJ If I Have My Stepdad Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“My bio dad has been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember due to his substance problem. His last relapse happened during my freshman year of high school. Years later, during my second year of college, we started talking on social media and reconnected. He got himself clean and has since been doing great (3+ years sober).
He even has another child now! My youngest brother is an absolute sweetheart.
My stepdad on the other hand? He met my mother when I was in seventh grade. He’s always been there for me and my family, supported us through every hard time, and is an amazing dad.
Even when my mom got back on illegal stuff and left, he still tried his best for us all. He may not be perfect but he’s the best parent I’ve had.
That about covers the background for those two. At present, I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and it’s going really well!
We’re not ready for marriage but the relationship has made me think about weddings. When my bio dad was out of the picture I asked my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. He said yes and started happy crying; ever since I’ve been set on having him walk me.
But now with my bio dad back in the picture, I want him to be at the wedding, just not quite in it. My stepdad has more than earned that special moment and I want to share it with him.
But I also don’t wanna damage my relationship with my bio dad. I also don’t want him to think I’m still holding his past against him. Things get even more complicated when I remembered the father-daughter dance…
I worry my bio dad may get hurt, not attend, or even potentially relapse and I don’t want that.
So WIBTJ for still having my stepdad walk me even if I invite my bio dad to attend?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Do consider having conversations with bio dad and stepdad (separately and together) about this well in advance of any possible wedding.
Maybe bio dad would hate walking you down the aisle because he knows your step-dad is really the one who raised you. Maybe all of you would eventually come up with something meaningful for everyone. Biodad could do a reading if your tradition has those, or a toast, or be the flower t****r instead of a child.
The possibilities are endless. Thinking about it well beforehand isn’t silly. Just remember that any plans shouldn’t be set in stone because any future fiance may have their own ideas and things can change.” congrrl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your real dad is the one that has been there for you through thick and thin and not the guy who donated his DNA & put himself first for most of your life.
If your bio dad cannot be understanding of how you feel regarding step dad – then that’s really crappy of him and if he tries to manipulate your relationship with you by acting like he’s going to start using again because of your decision – then you should probably sever ties with him.
He didn’t learn from his mistakes.
All of this is on your bio dad. He caused this by not being around. The best thing he can do going forward is respect your decisions and feelings while being a support to YOU.” sennyldrak
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You would be more of a jerk if you rescinded on your stepdad in favor of your dad. When you actually get engaged, not now, you should be upfront with your dad about your rationale and feelings.
It will hurt his feelings and you can’t get around that without unfairly hurting your stepdad’s feelings.” Eastern_Amphibian385
Beforehand explain to your stepdad why you choose this and why it will be special to you and him. And how it will not hurt the feelings of your dad ,whom would not be in on the secret.
7. WIBTJ If I Confront My Step-Dad About Stealing From Me?
“I (f14) get a weekly allowance of 20 dollars every week and I often use that money to buy ingredients or other food items to help on my journey to gain weight, this is important later on.
So on Tuesday I went to the store and bought a 6-pack of high protein ensure which cost me half of my allowance and left me with 10 for the rest of the week, but it was worth it considering I needed more protein in my diet in order to help with weight gain.
Usually, I would put personal items like this in the fridge but my dog ended up chewing the cord and it broke so now we have to put it in the main fridge (we would often put our food in there bc he has a history of taking our things).
So fast forward to this morning, I go to the fridge to take my Ensure, mind you, I haven’t even touched it yet, to realize that 2 are missing??!! I immediately knew that it was my stepfather because he is the only other person who drinks ensure and has another pack of the same kind of ensure but in a different flavor my mother bought for him that he has yet to finish?
I was very annoyed bc I don’t have a steady income considering my age and instead of him going to giant and buying himself his own pack he takes mine? I would bring the issue to my mother but every time I do she laughs it off??
But every time we even speak his name she immediately gets defensive?
So WITBJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though it probably won’t get the results you want.
Isn’t Ensure shelf-stable until opened? If it is then why not keep most in your room and hide one in the fridge?
Even with that, a small cooler with ice will keep one/some at a good temperature for drinking and out of your stepfather’s view.
Another option is protein powder (Premiere Protein, Quest, etc. – the cheapest option is the Equate/Walmart brand protein powder) which you can mix with milk/water/whatever on demand, and while not initially cheaper the per serving price is drastically better than the premixed drinks.
If all else fails and your stepfather keeps taking your protein supplement items, eggs are cheap, easy, and usually stocked in most family fridges (ask your mom to buy more eggs, or ask her to buy the protein powder for you).
Best of luck.” OBotB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As far as I know, ensure doesn’t need refrigeration, it just tastes better cold. Why not put one at a time into the fridge, and hide it in the vegetable keeper or at the back of the fridge?
And yes, as others have said, make sure your mom is aware of the problem; perhaps she will buy replacements for the ones he drank, or start buying the same ones if he likes them so much. Then you can drink a couple of his and see how he likes it.” Not_really1010
6. AITJ For Arguing With My Mom?
“I (14M) am the only one who helps on days that I don’t need to.
I help my mom (39F) with taking the puppies out every morning. Today though, her back hurt. But she can still help. So I help too. I go and get their water and knock. The bowl starts slipping out of my hands so I knock once more.
Then she got mad even though I told her that the bowls were slipping out of my hands. Then I go and do the trash and get meds. I check my phone, and she was ranting in my messages.
She said how her back hurt and she shouldn’t have to do extra (just because I knocked twice on the door), I tell her that I went and got the water anyway, but I didn’t want to risk dropping the water, which is why I knocked twice… this just made her even angrier.
I am currently trying to calm down. I feel like I might be the jerk due to knocking twice in the first place, although I am not sure.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like she is hurting a lot and snapped due to the pain.
I know it doesn’t help much with your emotions but it can really really hurt when your back is out. You can barely move, everything is connected see? So getting up caused her pain and she snapped in response.
As your mother, I do believe her response was unnecessarily harsh.
No one likes to get yelled at. She could have just said it hurts too much to even stand for long and please don’t make her get up instead.
Try your best to be patient and I hope it heals up fast for her!” Tamsha-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — Chronically ill parent with a teen here: it can be hard during times of pain flares and incapacitation. That never makes it ok to be a jerk. Emotions happen and they can be overwhelming. But that is why we apologize when we are in the wrong.
Your mother needs to recognize that her frustration is not with you and sincerely apologize. We can all have grace, even in our most painful moments.
You are doing your best, and taking time to calm down shows more maturity than plenty of adults.
You have a kind heart, OP, take care.” MixWitch
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, but take a breath. You’re 14. It’s easy to forget that your mom is a flawed human being just like you. She’s in pain. She’s gonna have moments where she’s less than perfect.
Being in pain will do that to you. Try to forgive what you can. I know it’s hard. If she hurts you – the best thing you can do is be hurt and tell her that. If you feel unappreciated you say that, sorrowfully, not in anger.
Seriously – it’s easy to get stuck in a who is right vs who is in charge argument with a teenager – so easy. For teens and adults, that argument is like quicksand, it sucks you in and NO ONE wins.
Doesn’t help either of you. Being vulnerable and hurt and honest on the other hand goes a long way.
‘I’m really trying mom. I feel like I am always really trying. This hurts my feelings when my best still isn’t enough for you.
I can’t do everything alone. I’ll give you some time to cool off. I know you’re in pain.’
Goes a long, long way.” Luhdk
5. AITJ In This Easter Egg Chocolate Dispute?
“I’m pretty big on Easter, this year my partner and I weren’t able to do our usual festivities due to local issues.
So, as a result, we purchased too much chocolate.
I had bought a fancier lot of chocolate during the chocolate buying, thinking I’d split it with my partner later, but when it became clear that we couldn’t celebrate Easter with peers I mixed it in with the other chocolates and put it in a basket, for aesthetic purposes, and so that we could pick at the chocolate at our leisure.
I’d been going for the cheaper stuff when eating any, but decided tonight to have one of the fancier ones, and I dug through the basket, and there was only one left. I approached my partner about it, and they said they couldn’t remember eating any of them.
But I was quickly able to spot the empty wrappers on their desk as I was speaking to them. When I pointed them out they said that they didn’t know what chocolates they were from.
When I pointed out that they were all clearly from the expensive chocolates and asked how could they eat so many of the fancy ones they said that I shouldn’t have mixed them in with the cheap ones.
They may be right, but the fancy ones were clearly labeled differently, and I had mentioned before that I was eager to try them.
I’m worried that I’m being a jerk about all of this. But they could have at least left me more than one, there were many flavors, too, and I definitely told them ‘I bought two of each so that we could both try them all.’
They may have just gotten carried away. I don’t know. It is Easter. Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just different styles and lack of communication.
If you want the chocolate divided equally, you have to tell your partner or divide it into two baskets.
Not everyone needs things fair, even, saves the best for last, or even notices such things. Your partner is not clairvoyant about your needs for equal chocolate consumption.” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ
If you wanted to make sure you got to try one of each of the varieties of expensive chocolate, mixing them up with other chocolates in a basket was the wrong decision.
YOU are the one for whom tasting each chocolate was important; it’s not fair for you to expect your partner to keep some chart in his head & keep count of them.
You should have split the expensive chocolates in half & kept yours aside for when you were ready to eat them.” User
Another User Comments:
“Ah temptation, but now you know that your partner has no self-control. For future events (or non-events) just buy an extra bag and stash it away somewhere private for yourself to enjoy—problem solved.
NTJ
I myself cannot harness any self-control around those little egg-shaped, candy-covered, malted milk balls.
I haven’t bought those in years because I simply cannot just have a couple, as they keep calling me back to eat just a few more.” Petapotomus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your partner shouldn’t have lied about eating all of the good chocolate.
And maybe they shouldn’t have gone wild on the good stuff right away.
If you wanted to make sure you could get some of the fancy chocolate, you should have set some aside for yourself, eaten it sooner, or not mixed it in with the good stuff.
Also, you shouldn’t have picked a fight about it.
You both screwed up. So just learn from it and move on.” Serenata67
4. AITJ For Standing Up At The End Of The Flight?
“This was a three-hour flight. Not terribly long. My row was in the middle of the plane. I had no interaction with this lady before this incident. There were lots of babies on this plane, one was a family in the row behind me.
We landed at around 11 PM.
When the plane landed and came to a complete stop, I and many in the row in front of me stood up. I don’t stand up since I think I’ll leave the aircraft sooner. I stand up because after sitting for that length of time I want to stretch my legs, my arms, etc. The aisle passengers in all the rows in front of me also were standing up, likely for the same reason.
While I thought I was doing something completely harmless, something I do on every flight I’ve ever been on, I hear the lady in the row next to mine say something. I didn’t hear everything she said, so I just ignored it.
A few moments later she says in a louder voice ‘You know I’m talking about you right?’ I turn my head this time and she’s looking right at me. I said, ‘I’m sorry?’ She then goes on to say how there’s a family with a baby behind me and instead of standing up I should sit down and let them go before me.
Now I’ve been on several planes before and I’ve never heard of this etiquette before. So I told her I’m standing up to stretch and that if this family were to go in front of me then they’d only be two feet ahead since all the aisle passengers were standing up.
Should all passengers move for this family? They weren’t the only ones with young ones. Letting them in front of me would’ve accomplished nothing. She then starts going on and on about having a lack of decency. She was very aggressive.
This lasted about a minute at which point I turned my head back around thinking it was over. But again a few moments later, I hear her say more of the same under her breath. At this point I’m livid.
And we argue more but it’s mostly about the same things.
So, am I the jerk for standing up? The family never asked me if they could go ahead of me since I assume they acknowledged the same thing I did, mainly that everyone was standing up and there was no point in being ahead by one passenger.
If I’m the jerk in this situation then it seems that everyone who stands without a baby or medical condition should also be jerks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is some rule that she’s made up for herself.
I’ve been taking commercial flights for decades and never heard any passenger try to police others standing up to disembark.
When flying solo, I stand up as soon as the fasten seatbelt sign is switched off, then get my bag out of the overhead storage because I get the aisle seat. One person with one bag can disembark a lot faster than a family with multiple bags, and possibly a baby buggy.
People with small kids are often allowed to board first because it takes more time for them to get their luggage stowed and the kid(s) settled. Leaving the flight, it makes more sense for the faster passengers (solo or couples) to disembark first. They’re off the plane before the family has even finished getting their stuff together.
Waiting for families to leave first would unnecessarily slow the whole process down.” Dixon_Kuntz73
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Flying sucks, lots of people get edgy about it. You dealt with the trashiness of tiny seats with not enough support or leg room by standing, which does convey that you think you deserve to go ahead and be in other people’s way (though not really the people she was talking about).
She dealt with the trashiness of incoherent deboarding procedures by making up a (kind of understandable) social rule and then making comments when you didn’t follow the rules in her mind. Both of those behaviors negatively affect other people. In that sense, you were kind of both jerks, but for reasons, I find extremely understandable, and the real source is the uncomfortable situation you were both in.
Edit: Forgot to mention that both of you were arguing in a tight public space, again, caused by the uncomfortable situation. Still, this is definitely jerk behavior.
I think the truth is that the jerk is the airline, and airplane practices generally.
The only way planes can really work is by packing people and stuff in a space that’s too tight for everyone to be comfortable and have enough space to move without affecting others. In that situation, people will become agitated about the lack of clarity of expectations and the sense that others are not acting how they should or in ways that place them above others.
Clearer deboarding processes would alleviate some of that pressure.” Honky-Bach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be honest, I don’t really love it when the people around me stand and stay standing. They’re kind of looming over me and taking up more space when none of us is going anywhere soon.
But as a mom who has flown with kids from birth, I’ve never expected that I will get to deplane earlier. I mean maybe if my kid is screaming at the top of their lungs that they need to pee?
But other than that, we actually usually wait until everyone else is gone so we can take the time to gather our stuff, thank the flight attendants, etc. and make our slow way up the aisle without me having to worry about who my two-year-old is going to whack when they turn to talk to me with their backpack on.” twiddlywerp
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
YTJ. But not for the reasons the lady was tacking on you. You’ve stayed firmly on your seat for this long, another 10 minutes will not kill you. People who are seated away from doors but rush out the moment flight stops clogging aisles causing those closer to doors to not be able to leave first causes anxiety all around.
The lady had no business saying anything to you.” DesiGirl16
3. AITJ For Being Sarcastic?
“I (F24-assistant accountant) have been working at a Korean company (15 people) that’s based in the UK for just over a year.
I’m 1 of the 4 that are British, but communication isn’t a problem as they all speak English and I can also speak Korean as I studied it as my major. My team only consists of 3 people, my manager (M39), Kate (F28), and me.
I’m really close with Kate as we’re a similar age and on the same team, we always have lunch together and sometimes meet during the weekend.
As the financial year just passed I’ve been busy and worked from 8 am-10 pm for the whole week, including the weekend.
Kate has been planning her holiday (14~28th Apr) since Jan and it was finalized in Feb. Since she’s away, I have to fill in for her as it used to be my job (sales invoicing & ERP management). The day before she leaves, the director asked her to make a brief.
This is the following conversation we had:
K: Can I ask you a favor? While I’m away do you mind invoicing and managing client info?
M: It’s not really a favor. Isn’t it what I’m supposed to do?
K: True but I wanted to tell you in advance.
Just like if you were to go on holiday, I’d do the same.
M: You’re not really telling me in advance though. Kidding.
K: I’m a bit upset, you’re going to go on holiday anyway. Also during Christmas last year, I also did some of your work.
You didn’t say anything to me so I don’t know why you’re being sarcastic. If you’re too busy don’t worry. I’ll just do it.
M: It was just a joke but if you really hate it I won’t joke again.
Since you’ve said your part, I’ll say mine, you sometimes forget that I’m not Korean so I don’t have the same mindset as you do… I can do favors but I also need time to organize my work. It would’ve been nice if you really told me in advance.
I also told you about what would happen a week before I left and sent you an email saying what you need to do. Anyways it’s fine.
K: I don’t want to quarrel but you informed me the day you were on holiday… look at your email.
And also I don’t know what being Korean has anything to do with this conversation… Let’s talk in person later.
M: Sure.
To fill in the gaps in the conversation, I was away for 3 days during Christmas (not busy at all) and the work she did was packing 3 orders and counting inventory.
I did send her an email the day my holiday began as it was scheduled for that time so she wouldn’t miss it. I’m sarcastic to everyone and we ended up not talking because we were both so busy. From my perspective, Korean work culture is expecting someone else to do something straight away without much notice due to the fast work pace but pls correct me if I’m wrong.
I was going to do her work anyway because no one else could do it. Considering she asked me for a favor I don’t really understand why she was upset and making the situation bigger. She ruined my mood for the rest of the day.
AITJ for being sarcastic?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
‘expecting someone else to do something straight away without much notice due to the fast work pace’ has been something I’ve seen many companies demand of their workers over the past few years regardless of nationality.
She covered for you on Christmas. Regardless of whether it was busy or not, she still covered for you. And if I’m reading this right, you emailed her the day of, not a week before. Which makes it a bigger favor on her part since she might not have been expecting that she had to cover for you.
Also, considering that this sounds like you were office-mates, it sounds very impersonal.
For future reference? A casual ‘Hey (person), are you covering for me on this holiday? Great, I’ll CC people in charge so they are up to date,’ would be nice before asking someone to take over for a bit.
And in return, when they said asked if you minded taking over, a simple ‘Sure okay!’ would have sufficed.
I’ve seen people use ‘I’m always sarcastic’ as a defense to hurl verbal abuse at others. They write cutting words and expect everyone else to tolerate and accept them because ‘I’m just that way’ or ‘Oops sorry haha I can be a little sarcastic!’
It has never ended well so far.” chng103
Another User Comments:
“I’d be less worried about being sarcastic and more worried about coming off as racist and unprofessional. I was cringing during most of this post. If you (proudly I might add) claim that you are a ‘sarcastic’ person, you might want to be having conversations where you can hear someone’s voice and they can hear yours rather than over text.
You do not seem like a great communicator. YTJ, and I think you are going to get yourself in trouble if you keep trying to interact with colleagues like this.” annrkea
2. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom A Gift?
“I feel like absolute crap, but I didn’t get my mother anything for her 50th.
I’ve been dealing with quite severe depression recently, it’s difficult to explain but, I wouldn’t mind if I woke up dead let’s put it that way.
I’m not employed, and I have very few funds. I live with my mother and two younger sisters and one of their partners. What’s really making me feel awful is even he got my mother a card and some chocolates.
I’m a guy, I don’t know if this plays into it but I hate the idea of receiving/giving gifts on occasions that demand them, I’m 21 and for the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve been indifferent to whether I get anything or not.
The thing is though, I haven’t bought anyone else in my family a gift/card in over a year due to my financial situation, but I still bought her gifts for her 49th.
I don’t know, I might buy her a bottle of Bailey’s for tomorrow because I feel awful.”
Another User Comments:
“Very mild YTJ. There’s a difference between not affording a gift and not letting someone know you think they’re special. Dollar Tree still charges $.50 for most cards and is smaller than a dept store if your depression includes anxiety about big stores (speaking from experience here).
Maybe you can find some candy there too.
In the meantime, if you have funds, flowers from a grocery store are often under $10. Too much? Ask if she needs any help around the house. Take her to a park. Get a $4 box of store cupcakes and sing off-key.
Pop a bowl of popcorn and sit on her couch watching a movie. Just let her know you care. It isn’t too late.” dehydratedrain
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t have to spend anything to write a note or do something nice for your mother on her birthday.
A gift can be doing something genuinely helpful that she’s been needing to be done. Spending time with her. Write her a letter with memories of the two of you. Make a video on your phone. Make a picture collage thing on Google photos or something.
Make a PowerPoint for Christ’s sake. Moms like anything that shows you actually care. Be creative. It doesn’t have to cost anything. It’s your mom.” FacelessJane
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – 50 is a milestone birthday, you live under her roof, and I also assume she supports you financially.
Just because you feel indifferent to birthdays doesn’t mean you should ignore others.
You know you messed up here. Make it right. Depression isn’t an excuse to hurt others around you. It didn’t even have to be something expensive, or even something you buy.
This is a clear case of ‘it’s the thought that counts’.
I genuinely hope you find the help you need. Depression obviously sucks and will not only hurt you but everyone who cares about you.” AngeloPappas
1. AITJ For Saying My Sister Can Also Do The Things That I Do?
“My family (mainly my mom) believes whole-heartedly that men should do all the heavy-lifting and ‘manly’ tasks around the house. I (29M) hate this way of thinking, not because I can’t do that stuff, but because I think it’s unfair to put all that on the guy, especially in this day and age where men and women are treated much more equal than when she was growing up.
So growing up my mom would always come home with groceries and make me (probably 17 at the time) carry all the gallon jugs, cases of water, etc, while my sister (15 at the time) would get the light things like paper towels, tissues, etc. I always thought it unfair as a kid and my mom would always say ‘be a man, carry the heavy things.’ Or in the summer, my mom always had me mow the lawn, while my sister cleaned inside.
When I asked if I could switch with her for one week because I was tired of mowing, she said ‘men cut the grass, women clean.’ I was very taken aback by her way of thinking, but being underage and living at home, what else could I do?
Well fast forward to yesterday, my family was over at my mom’s house for dinner and my mom said to me, ‘oh while you’re here, can you move the one dresser in my room to the spare room?’ (she’s redecorating).
I said, sure, but I want my sister to help me because it’s heavy. She immediately defended my sister saying that she is a woman and shouldn’t have to lift heavy things like that, she isn’t built for it, blah blah blah.
I immediately went off on her and said something like ‘(sister) is in better physical strength than me and can probably lift it better than me. And anyway, what was the point of the whole women’s rights movement if women pick and choose what they can do?
You have just as many rights and can do pretty much everything else a man can do, sometimes better than we do. Stop thinking in this 1950s mindset.’
Well, I immediately got asked to leave because I was clearly being irrational and she would find someone else to move the dresser.
On my drive home, I started feeling guilty for blowing up at her, but all my years of being subjected to her mindset, even though I strongly disagree with it, made me explode. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at her, I had just had enough of it.
I just hate stereotyping people.
AITJ for saying what I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom has a pretty crappy way of thinking. If I wanted to carry something heavy or help my brothers move large objects growing up I was never told I couldn’t because I’m a woman.
I vaguely remember my sister switching chores with my brother bc he didn’t want to cut the grass and she did. I understand that you feel guilty for blowing up on her but I can tell that’s probably been building up for a long time.” Traditional_Tea4076
Another User Comments:
“While I understand your frustration, YTJ for how you handled it. You could have been much more respectful, or simply state that you could not move it by yourself and would need help. If no one else would offer to help, then why put your back out struggling on your own?
You could have simply told them that you could not do it on your own.” True-Tomatillo-4720
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ! This gender role nonsense needs to end. My mother was born in 1949. She had this mentality. I was born in 1971.
Mom crammed this discrimination down our throats. I was born female (I’m non-binary). Mom would slam me for doing ‘boy things’. She would should I call you Matt. I told her to bring it on. When can we do this?
My Dad (adopted by love not legal) would tell his friends that I’m the best son he could ask for. I could lift heavy objects. I mowed the lawn when mom wasn’t home. Women are capable of doing a lot of the same jobs.
Your mom is trying to live in a different time era. She needs to stop babying your sister. Next time she asks you to move something heavy, you should say that you need to contact OSHA and work labor laws about lifting and moving heavy objects.
Then you should ask if she has workman insurance just in case you get hurt. That is a real possibility. You could tear your rotator cuff, or tear a muscle. This will put you out for a while. Op, please set boundaries and protect yourself.” kcBratt311
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mom was totally wrong for saying your sister was incapable of using a power mower, for instance, but you’re wrong to think that the average woman is as physically strong as the average man.
The feminist/women’s lib movement was about women having equal opportunities in the world, not about ignoring biological facts to state that women’s bodies and men’s bodies are the same.
You’re correct that your sister could have carried more than paper towels, and maybe she could have lifted one side of the dresser.
But the answer is for parents to correctly assess children’s capacities related to chores, not to assign chores requiring strength strictly by gender.” User
