People Want Us To Gauge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Refusing To Get Rid Of My Dogs?
“I had two dogs years before I met my fiancé (met 2016). Mid 2019 to present is when my Fiancé decided he has issues with me having them.
He has an issue with the way I am with my dogs. He says that I am choosing them over him for the simple fact that he had a potential job that is an hr. (with traffic) from my house and he wanted to move to an apartment closer to that job if he got it.
I told him an apartment would not accept my dogs so we should look into renting a house. He said no so I told him I would not be able to move because I did not want to get rid of my dogs.
In summary, he wanted me to leave my house, move into an apartment and give up my dogs for this apartment, when I offered an alternate solution it was turned down. He didn’t get the job but he’s harping on the fact that I didn’t want to move to an apartment because of the dogs.
Based on that, he has decided that I chose the dogs over him.
He tells me that I’m in violation of the agreement we have that says exclusivity of intimacy. He said that since I had such an attachment to my dogs I am in violation of the agreement.
I disagree because I regard exclusivity of intimacy as partner intimacy, not the intimacy you have with family/friends. Also based on his use of the word intimacy, I wouldn’t be allowed to have closeness with anyone except him, my mom, and the children we would have.
I pretty much have to throw away my friendship with people I have known for over 15+ years because in his words “Why do you need friends when you have me?”
This was never a problem before, Basically, in order for him to marry me I need to get rid of the dogs and if I do not that means I am choosing them over him.
Never mind the fact of all the tons of other things I do for him and I had these dogs before he was even in the picture.
I pointed out the fact that the only problem he has with me is that I have this attachment to animals.
I asked him if we were to get married and I disagree or don’t do what he ask will he take that as me choosing things over him and he said yes. In other words, if I do not do what he wants it will become an issue.
To me, it seems like the issue is deeper than me liking animals.
Side note: The dogs have never snapped at him or anything. The younger one likes him but the shepherd avoids him due to his abusive past with men so he tends to stay away from him.
And no the issue is not that the shepherd does not like him. The issue is just my attachment to them.
Oh, and to add, he said if you get rid of your dogs we can get another one. I’m like what the heck, you have a problem with my attachment to animals so you want me to get rid of my dogs just to turn around and get another one..
Someone, please make it make sense because I can’t.
So y’all AITJ for wanting to keep my dogs? I am really trying to understand. Hopefully, I didn’t ramble too much but I’m trying to paint a clear picture for you all.”
Another User Comments:
“Lemme teach you a thing about how a partner should treat your love of your pets.
When my SO moved in with me, I had an ancient cat. I had owned her mother and the first time I saw this cat, she was still wet from birth.
She’d been with me for over half my life. When she was 19, she went blind. She had trouble finding the litter box. She’d get “lost” behind propped-open doors because she couldn’t find her way out. She bumped into furniture. My SO’s solutions?
Carpet shampooer for the accidents. Taking the bathroom door off its hinges and storing it away. Lining the baseboards and furniture legs with stuffed animals as cushions.
He was talking about my cat at work and one of his coworkers asked him why he kept cleaning up after her, and why he didn’t demand I get rid of her.
His response was, “She’s had the cat for 19 years and she’s only had me for 3. If she did get rid of the cat (which he knew I wouldn’t, anyway), then what would stop her from getting rid of me after 19 years if something shinier came along?”
A partner supports your joy. A child is jealous of it.
NTJ.” Ukelele__Lady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I got my first dog when I was 18 and my second when I was 24. I went out with multiple guys who told me, “I think you love those dogs more than you love me.” They weren’t wrong.
Dogs are non-negotiable. Anyone who was not okay with me having them – anyone who didn’t love them as much as I did – was not someone I wanted to be with. I’m now with someone who fulfills that.
Your fiancé sucks.” olliepots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your dogs are important to you and this is not indicative of your lack of feeling for your SO. For him to pit your love for your animals against your love for him is quite frankly bizarre.
At most, this conflict is showing a general incompatibility in your relationship and it is unfair to ask you to give up your dogs. Also, for what it’s worth, I think you need to take a good look at your relationship more generally.
Attempting to isolate you and discourage your friendships is a sign of control and possible mistreatment tendencies.” genericname907
13. AITJ For Telling Off Another Mother?
“My daughter (7 nearly 8) is really into sports. Her favorite is football (soccer), and she is amazing at it.
As in, one of the best in her year at Primary School, even out of the boys. Her school has a boy and girl team, and she plays on the girl team. However, the boy’s team has more recognition. Unfair for Year Threes (second graders), but that’s football for ya.
The striker from the boy’s team left the school, and the school asked if my daughter could take over for him for the rest of the year, as that is her role on the girl team, as well as her out-of-school team, and she was the best person for the role.
She was thrilled.
Btw: there are no rules against girls playing on the boy team, but there are rules against boys playing on the girls. It’s ridiculous, I know.
They were thinking about giving the sub (the bratty son of Kay) the role but scoring isn’t his strength.
They decided against it.
After the first meet, Kay approached me and started going off about how my daughter stole the opportunity from her son, and how that place was meant to be her son’s – as that is what a sub was for, and how my daughter should stick to ‘her own kind.’ She then said that it was awful for her son’s self-esteem that he was beaten by a girl, and my daughter would be a distraction to the team members (she’s seven for the love of God.)
I then told her that it was my duty to let my daughter follow her dreams and I was so proud of what she achieved. I also pointed out that by allowing her son to believe that girls were worth less than boys, she was doing him and his sister a disservice.
This morning was another boy’s birthday party (we’ll call BB). Most of the boys in the class were there, and my daughter was one of two girls. Both me and Kay were there to help BB’s mum. Kay was acting cold and salty, and when my daughter’s team won a game and were celebrating (in the loud way seven-year-olds do), and her son was having a tantrum and kicking a wall, she said loudly to another mum ‘OP’S DAUGHTER should stop being such a showoff.
She’s out of place in the team, and here. She’s antagonizing my son, and she should stop trying to be a boy. She’s never gonna get to that level.’
Luckily the kids didn’t hear, but I did. These words flew out of my mouth.
‘That level? Your kid wishes he could be half as good as my daughter. Why not go parent him, before you or he ruins someone else’s special day.’
I really don’t get why she’s making it into a big deal. It’s just a place on a kid football team.
It also shouldn’t matter what my child’s gender is. She is more skilled in that particular position than her son, so that’s why the school gave it to her.
She was really angry and stormed off. She and her son left the party early.
I don’t know if it was because of me or her son’s tantrum, and I don’t really care. My kid had a fun day, and that’s all that matters to me. The other mothers were a little shocked, but most of them agreed that she was going too far.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH (except the kids). I know that soccer recruitment is different in non-USA countries and starts very young, but the kids are 7-8 years old. Everyone needs to calm the heck down and relax a little bit.
At 7-8 years old, coaches shouldn’t be making roster decisions based on which kids give the team the best chance to win. They should be making sure everyone gets a chance to play, is learning the game, and is displaying good sportsmanship.
The fact that the coach of the boys’ team cared more about winning a 7-8-year-old kids’ soccer match than making sure all the players on his team could participate makes him the biggest jerk here.
Meanwhile, while I’m sure your daughter loves soccer, she is already on a team.
I understand you want her to have as much fun as possible, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of other kids who just want to run around and kick a ball. And that’s what your daughter is doing right now.
She’s taking playing time away from other kids who don’t have another team they can play on. That isn’t fair to them, and as the adult, you are supposed to know this and enforce fair play. Again, the kids are 8.
Who gives a crap about winning games at this point?
Now, while the sentiment the other mother had is not without some cause, she obviously went over the line by insulting your daughter. Again, the kids are 8. Punching down that much is absurd.
The person she should be angry with is the coach of the boys’ team, who seems to think that if he can just pull out a few more W’s he can finally make it onto the professional soccer coaching circuit.
It’s because of people like you and this mother that so many youth sports leagues in the States have moved away from keeping score and codified rules making sure everyone gets a chance to play in the game. Again, the kids are 8.
They aren’t a half step away from getting that big soccer development contract, or whatever else they hand out to youth rising stars wherever you are. You have no idea if they’re going to even want to play soccer a year from now, let alone have it be a lifelong passion.
They haven’t even started puberty yet, which will have more impact on how good of a soccer player any of these kids are than how good they performed in a youth soccer league.” sumg
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
What about having your daughter compete within a league specifically designed to account for the exponentially disparate effect puberty has on athletic performance between the genders is teaching him that girls are worth ‘less than’ boys?
Is it your daughter’s dream to continue playing on the boys’ team? Because if so you’ve set her up for a huge disappointment.
Is it not somewhat unfair to take a spot in a team your daughter will soon be physically incapable of competing within temporarily, away from a boy who could well continue to compete in that league?
You’re effectively allowing your daughter to take a spot at the only point where such a thing is possible. It may be perfectly justified by performance now, but it’s incredibly myopic and demonstrates either an inability or unwillingness to look forward even a single year.” cashiousconvertious
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If that mother has a problem with the team selection processes she needs to take it up with the coach, not try to spoil the experience of their kid’s sport for other parents. I think you should consider letting someone at the school know what is happening.
It seems to me like she’s putting a very great weight on his sporting opportunities at this age… maybe is she hoping for sporting scholarships later on? That’s not necessarily going to happen for anyone, even quite talented folks end up sidetracked from scholarships… an injury at the wrong time or a bit of adolescent stress leading to a change of focus and it is all over.
Someone at the school should talk to her about it if that’s what she’s planning, to see that there’s a backup plan.
Also, her kid may be in the exact wrong sport to attain that for himself, maybe he’d be better off with tennis or swimming or something else… normally we just let families choose their own sports at that age because there’s a lot of factors involved and aptitude isn’t the only consideration.
Football is fine for her son if he’s bad at it and she’s just trying to get him to confront situations he is bad at and pick up skills he doesn’t have. But if it is vitally important to her he does well then if he’s in a sport he has a low aptitude for that’s always going to be a disaster.” ontherailstoday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – When I first played soccer at 6, the only other girl on the team was the coach’s daughter. I guess all the other moms were worried for me at first. That changed fast, and instead, they were worried about the self-esteem of their sons.
I had no idea there was drama at the time because my mom made sure I never heard or felt its impact. Everybody loved my mom, because she could start a conversation with anyone and always make them smile. She could also put anyone in their place when being polite was no longer an option.
I couldn’t help but picture her as I read this.
Sometimes, you really can’t kill people with kindness, and you need to do what’s necessary before you become a doormat. You did what needed to be done because that woman wasn’t going to stop her inappropriate behavior on her own.
Eventually, the kids would hear her, and none of them deserve that.” DragonCelica
12. WIBTJ If I Gave A Family Heirloom To My Brother?
“My maternal grandmother and I grew close after my mother and I moved in with her during high school.
She didn’t have the best history with my mother and Aunt but became one of my dearest relatives.
My grandmother wore a beautiful diamond ring every day I knew her. It’s a 2-carat (at least) stone in a very unique setting.
It also had serious sentimental value to my grandmother as the stone came from her first love and fiancé, who died in WWII before they could marry. She had the stone set in a new setting and resized for her middle finger when she married my grandfather, but never took it off.
When my grandmother passed 4 years ago, I asked about the ring. She had promised it to me many times when she was alive. My Aunt quickly said that it was promised to her and in my mind, that was that.
My Aunt was her daughter after all.
6 months later I got a knock at the door. When I opened the package, I was floored. My aunt had very graciously gifted the ring to me. She put a beautiful note in the package saying that she knew how close my grandma and I had been and felt that I deserved it more than she did.
It’s been 4 years and while I still adore the ring for the memories of my grandmother, it mostly stays in a safe because I don’t feel comfortable wearing a large diamond in my day-to-day life.
Now, my brother is practically engaged to a wonderful woman my whole family loves.
But he is currently unemployed and can’t afford to buy her any kind of ring. She, on the other hand, is an exec at a major international company and clears six figures a year easily. I guess that means her ring needs to have some stature and status?
My brother has asked me if he can have my grandmother’s engagement stone for a ring he is making since he can’t afford to buy her one. I am very torn on this and asked my mother for her opinion, to which she replied that she wasn’t comfortable with it as my brother’s future fiance never even met my grandmother.
I have more memories of the very unique setting of my grandmother’s ring and don’t have much attachment to the diamond itself.
If I were to gift my brother the stone, I would make sure it was named in their prenup to come back to the family if they were to ever part, have it insured, and have it professionally set in the ring my brother is making.
Then add an aquamarine to the setting (grandma’s birthstone) and make it into something I am comfortable wearing more often. As I said, right now it just sits in a box.
My mother says that since my brother’s fiance never met my grandmother & my mother and brother don’t have the best relationship, I shouldn’t part with the stone.
I told her that the final say would go to my Aunt since she actually inherited the ring and gave it to me. Whatever she says, I will honor her.
So, if my Aunt says “yes”, but my mother says “no”, WITBJ if I gifted it to my future SIL anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“Have you spoken to any attorney regarding the prenup and the ring? You usually cannot have this (being returned) arranged unless the ring is accepted under completely different terms. This comes up often and any engagement ring is considered a gift and there’s no expectation of return.
I’d say no you wouldn’t be TJ as my husband’s family gifted me many things from his grandparents which I personally cherish more than anything else I own and the gifts include the stone in my own engagement ring.
In my case, the stones were already loose but tbh I would’ve loved it if I was wearing them in a setting she wore daily even more.
It’s odd to me that he wants only the stone, but every situation is different.
I just thought you should be aware of this because having a prenup and a postnup myself I can say that this is the one area you usually cannot work in. For all of the jewelry I’ve been gifted I had to personally initiate any terms in the agreements for their return should our marriage not work out.
I chose to include them so this wasn’t an issue in our case but it had to be done by me and not my husband. I recommend you look into this in your area first but otherwise I’d say no you’re NTJ this is something sweet.
But please consider heavily whether you’ll feel differently someday about wearing it. It’s a beautiful story and gesture and something you personally may regret not having someday.” BingeWatcherBot
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk. The truth is it’s just a thing.
Yes, it’s a diamond ring, but diamonds have little to no resale value. You’d be better off with an heirloom you use. I’d recommend that either way you get the diamond replaced with the aquamarine in the setting you love and that you wear it all the time like you’d want to if it wasn’t a diamond.
As far as what to do with the diamond, it was given to you and there are no wrong answers for what you do with it. It’s lovely of you to ask for opinions from your mother and aunt, but at the end of the day, it’s your shiny rock to do with as you please.
Give it to your brother, keep it in a safe, give it back to your aunt, or whatever, the choice is entirely yours.” minizookeeper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mom doesn’t get a say, especially because of the not-great relationship.
It’s nice you involved your Aunt, but it’s really up to you.
My concerns are the “status” thing of needing such a large stone because she makes so much she needs so much. That gives me a gross feeling. But that is just my hang-up, might not be yours.
I see your brother has a chronic condition, so his inability to afford anything doesn’t really come into play for me, because not everyone gets dealt a fair hand in life, and it doesn’t mean he is a deadbeat or anything.
I think, and obviously, this is all personal, if the diamond means nothing to you, pass it on and take the safeguards you mentioned. Put the birthstone in the setting and wear the ring so you can actually enjoy it.
If you decide not to pass the diamond on, totally do the birthstone thing anyways!! Enjoy that ring! Ask your aunt if she wants the diamond back!
Either way, good for you for taking a pause and thinking on it.” Purdygreen
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk but I definitely wouldn’t give it to him. If she’s used to having a certain amount of money, and she doesn’t have a connection to your grandma, then I think there’s a very real possibility that she’ll alter the ring.
It wouldn’t even necessarily be done in malice, she’ll think the ring is hers – would your bro tell her she can’t change it? And if you DID give it to her and tell her she can’t melt it down, would that even be fair?
She’d be stuck with a ring that may not be to her tastes, from a woman she has no connection to, all because her fiancé wants to save money.
I think save it for your niece.” Bairbearbarebear
11. AITJ For Forcing My Daughter To Quit Cheer?
“My family is a cheer and dance family. My ex-wife was on her school cheer team for both high school and college, my eldest daughter did cheer up until high school then she dropped it to join the school’s dance team and my son took classes for it till he decided he didn’t want any extracurriculars.
My youngest daughter on the other hand loves it. She’s been doing it basically since she could walk but it never worried me up until recently. A few months ago I asked her if I needed to take her to the doctor for a physical since soccer season was coming up.
She took this opportunity to tell me that she wasn’t playing soccer this year. I was a little confused because she never seemed to hate soccer if anything she seemed to love it almost as much as she loves cheer.
I pressed the issue a little further until she told me she didn’t want to do it anymore because she missed too many cheer competitions as a result of her having to attend soccer games.
I was a little disappointed because soccer was one of the few things we had in common but I quickly got over it since it’s one less thing I have to pay for.
Now we were at the doctor for a cheer physical, nothing new we’ve done this every year. The doctor weighed her and she came out at around 96.5 pounds. She’s a bit underweight but not enough for it to be worrying.
Her doctor asked about her eating habits and I confirmed that she’s been eating regularly and nothing was out of the norm. I brushed it off since she’s been doing cheer for essentially her whole life and soccer since the seventh grade it was only natural that she’d lose some weight as a result of it and I always made sure she was eating right.
It only became troubling to me when I overheard her talking to her sister about how she was thinking about going on a diet to lose a couple more pounds before cheer season starts up. The next day I sat her down and told her that I heard her talking to her sister and said that doing cheer this year might not be a good idea.
She got upset that I was eavesdropping on her private conversation and said that I was upset that she quit soccer and was trying to get back at her. At this point, I was upset that she was raising her voice at me and firmly told her that I was her father and that I felt that it would be best for her to skip cheer for a year then that should be the end of the conversation.
She then stormed off to her room.
To me it’s not a big deal, just one year with no cheer as a break then she starts back up again next season. My eldest daughter thinks I was TJ for making her quit.
She told me that cheer was probably something that made her feel closer to their mom and that I was just taking it away from her. She also told me that a year can do a lot to someone’s body and that she couldn’t just pick up where she left off.
Even my son thinks I went about it the wrong way.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First, cheer is a really good way for her to put on weight in muscle form. You can’t do something so physically intense without eating enough – you’d pass out – so it’s a pretty good incentive.
Second, her sister’s right – a year does a lot. I’m a dancer, and generally, it takes you half the amount of time you were out to get back to where you were. So, it’ll be eighteen months till she can progress from where she is now.
Eighteen months is a lot as a teenager, and her peers will be eighteen months ahead. If she wants to cheer at college, that’d probably wreck her chances of making the team.
Third, suddenly quitting an intense physical activity without any dietary changes will affect her weight – if she’s already showing signs of body dysmorphia and/or an eating disorder, that’s gonna affect her mental health.
I’ve seen it happen with girls who’ve had to quit dance for whatever reason. It’s not good. You want her to put on weight, but she doesn’t.
Fourth, you’re essentially taking away her friends. Cheer teams are close – you have to be with the amount of trust you need to put in each other.
She’s gonna have to watch some of her closest friends doing what she loves without her. That’s cold.
Fifth, you’re destroying any trust she has in you. She didn’t come to you and say “I want to lose weight for my next cheer season”.
She said something to her sister that you overheard and now you’re ripping her away from one of the biggest things in her life. She’s not gonna confide in you, and probably won’t talk to her mother or siblings either.
Which isn’t a great situation to be in when you’re worried about her health. Please don’t do this.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You could have handled this sensitively and in a way that supported your daughter in developing healthy habits, but instead, you decided to punish her on the basis of one overheard conversation, and then became authoritarian and controlling when she pushed back against the idea.
You need to fix this by apologizing to your daughter for trying to take something she loves away from her, and then take an active role in helping her to be healthy and sensible about how she approaches eating and exercising.
Crashing in and banning her from something she loves will not solve the problem, and is totally disproportionate. A year is a long time in the life of a child – why would you want to do something so drastic when there are a hundred better ways to approach this?” Ricoret
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are 100% clearly mad that she chose cheer over soccer. You are choosing for her when she knows what she wants to do and has a clear passion for it. Why squash that?
You are additionally using her comment on losing weight as an excuse instead of addressing that comment as you should be and should honestly backtrack and check yourself and your desires.
Cause that is overshadowing your daughter’s health issues.
Even if she chose soccer, I guarantee you her comment would have been the same. She’s at the age where many eating disorders start and need to be addressed. You are saying she’s underweight and it’s not a big deal, but it actually really is.
She could really hurt herself permanently and end her sports career if she starves herself because of passing out, not being strong enough to perform a stunt or as support, or any number of things! So you have to address that.
The great thing about cheer is that honestly as long as you are strong, have balance and flexibility, and are healthy there is typically a position for you, no matter your size.
But yeah this is about your daughter, not you.
So take care of her and support her passions.” moonlitcat13
Another User Comments:
“Okay, this is where I get into trouble. No one is a jerk.
I understand that you were reacting in a way that was logical for you….you probably acted on instinct rather than thinking it through.
All parents will have done this.
However, maybe you need to consider it from her perspective and weigh the potential damage that forbidding her will do…She’s chosen a sport that she loves and while it’s not your favorite, it is hers…
Also, yes, keep your eye on her about an eating disorder but don’t be in her face about it as that can backfire very quickly and can actually create a problem where there may not have been one.
Sometimes, girl talk is simply girl talk… and they will often use the feedback of others to define themselves….it doesn’t necessarily mean that they believe, or will act on, what they say.
Observe, don’t interpret.” Reddit user
10. AITJ For Refusing To Go To A Convention With My Husband?
“I (38F) and my partner (34M) are at odds right now because he will be coming up on an 8-week (unpaid) vacation (owner/operator of the company will be recovering from surgery) and wants to go on a very expensive trip to attend a convention during that time.
The thing is this conflicts with my busy season. I have a business and this period I mention is where I make most of the funds that will keep us out of a financial hole during slow periods throughout the year.
During my busy season, rest and mental health take a back seat until things even out again. The fact that I don’t have to lose my mind agonizing over either of us or our kid (12M) needing cash for a medical emergency/our vehicles breaking down/a natural disaster/tuition for kiddo being paid on time/being able to grocery shop/etc. during the slow periods makes the busy season worth it and necessary.
While both my partner and I pool our full earnings into the family account (don’t panic, all 3 of us have private savings accounts that we send cash to after we do our weekly accounting), we consult with each for pretty much all the spending so we keep the account decent.
That brings me to the convention… He wants to go this year, but I cannot. Not without opening myself up to debt. I pull most of the money in, so we take a big hit if I don’t do my usual and just decide to screw off to do loads of air travel and a convention.
And I have no interest in this convention, which makes this plan of his a big NO from me. I told him to go on ahead – on his own or with a couple of his hobby friends (they all work together, so they all have the same availability).
But he insists I have to go, and I maintain that I do not want to and for our family, it is best that I don’t.
I suspect the real reason he wants me along is because he isn’t totally fluent in travel and I know how to navigate.
He has never traveled alone and I asked him if perhaps this is fueling his insisting on me being there. That caused a mild tantrum and he said it was “because we do everything together”. Tired of hearing that (we have been together for 16years) I reminded him that “separate hobbies are ok and healthy”.
I tried to find the middle ground by suggesting that he take on a part-time job during his downtime now and save throughout this year – Then I would feel much less anxious about taking time off in the middle of my busy season to go to this convention with him next year, and of the three days I get one to myself in that city to sightsee while he has a whale of a time during the convention.
I feel this is fair, but he is mad about the “day to myself” caveat. Am I the jerk for being honest about my reasons for not wanting to go and finding a compromise that keeps me sane?”
Another User Comments:
“He’s 34 years old, so I don’t understand why he thinks he can’t navigate traveling, especially with the 21st-century technology we have now, and it’s super easy to ask for directions in person. He can print out traveling instructions ahead of time and follow that.
But if he’s that incapable, then I guess you can print them out for him.
NTJ. You’re doing what you have to do for your family’s finances. You have to work, especially during the busy season to have money left over for the slower times in the year.
He’s acting immature, in my opinion. Also, I don’t see a problem with you having a day off for yourself at his next convention. I don’t know why your husband is so clingy.” WaDaEp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My husband doesn’t like to be apart from me either, but he would be fine with me wanting to have a day to myself during a convention I want no part of.
To me, it not only seems fair for him to be okay with that, but I think that it would be fair for him to do something like that with you.” Lupiefighter
9. AITJ For Wanting To Uninvite My Friends From My Wedding After The Way They Treated Me?
“My fiancé and I have two college friends who we will call Maria and Angela who live 2 hours away and we haven’t seen them for over a year.
I manage to get ahold of them and we agree on Valentine’s weekend (2 weeks away) and to arrive at 10 am.
I let Angela and Maria know that we won’t have too much money to go out with. They tell us it’s totally ok we don’t have to go anywhere to have fun.
We buy some snacks as well as bring a TV, Stereo, and new dishes that they wanted as a gift. We get there at 10 and Angela is hungover.
She got home at 3 am blackout wasted.
I give them the gifts and the snacks and no one says thank you.
Maria asks us if we’d like to go to her friend’s house to smoke and drink with them. We didn’t feel comfortable being intoxicated with strangers and said no. After that Maria said she needed to go to the gym and be a ref at a basketball game so we can’t come, but promises to be home by the time Angela gets off work at 9:30 pm.
I ask her if she would like a ride home so we can hang and she tells me no she’ll get a ride from a co-worker. Then they leave in an Uber.
At 10:40 pm Angela gets home plastered. Apparently, she wanted to grab a cold one with her co-worker.
She asks if we want to smoke with her and we reluctantly agree.
Long story short, my fiancé accidentally smoked way too much on the highest setting and got completely screwed! He was no longer verbal, rocking, and having major paranoia.
Angela makes fun of him, then gets mad at me when I keep checking up on him. She kept telling me to stop “babying” him and that I’m “ruining the vibe” and that the snacks we brought were “disgusting.”
At 12:30 am Maria comes home and tells us all about how she hooked up with a crush.
Angela makes fun of us for being messed up, then starts trying to plan all the clubs we are going to go to the next day….my fiancé musters up the ability to say we can’t afford that and asks why we can’t stick to what we agreed upon?
Angela gives him a nasty look and tells him to shut up, he’s too wasted to understand what’s happening.
My fiancé and I go to bed and spend the night up and down as he keeps puking. Angela wakes up and tells me to “stop trying to be his mommy.”
The next morning Maria is gone again and Angela tells us she has work again and won’t be off till 4 pm and says that I can pick her up after and we can just come home since that’s what we “want to do”.
At this point, we just do our own thing and when we get back Maria is home with two other friends and tells us she didn’t realize that we weren’t with Angela and then introduces my fiancé as “beta”.
Before I lost my cool we leave again and wait until Angela got off so we could pick her up and then made up an emergency.
Now we want to uninvite them to our wedding.
Am I the jerk for being a stick in the mud and not confronting my friends for what I felt was crappy behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (however, I wouldn’t actually uninvite them, because that’s bad etiquette.) Drop the rope, and I’d almost bet money they won’t show anyway.
It stinks when you & friends are in different stages in life.
When’s the wedding and when did you send the invitations?
And congratulations, by the way.
If you can’t stand the idea of them being there, (and I don’t blame you if that’s the case), then be honest with them.
After the way you were both treated, it’s probably for the best if the friendship is put on hold for a while. (You don’t ever have to pick it back up, but then again, they may mature enough one day to realize how horribly they acted and apologize.)” FilthyDaemon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
These people don’t sound like they are your friends.
Did you let them know after you showed up that you two were short on cash? Because that does kind of change things a little. I mean, they still suck.
But they might have had drastically different expectations for the weekend from what you and your fiance had in mind. If people came to visit me then as soon as they show up they say “Oh, by the way, we’re basically broke so we can’t go out or do anything.” I’d be a little put off by that too.” ZeusMN85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Uninvite them!! Friends don’t treat friends like that, doesn’t even seem like they tried to spend time with you. Clearly, you are at different stages of your life, they still have some growing up to do.
It’s completely okay to outgrow friendships.” kinglou12
8. WIBTJ If I Cut Ties With My Mom?
“I (24f) was diagnosed in September 2019 with severe depression and anxiety. I was signed off work for 4 months, until January this year.
My mum (52f) would criticize me for being off work, making me feel guilty each time I would be signed off.
I was under close doctor monitoring, every 2 weeks I’d have to see my doctor who would decide if I was fit to return to work or not. Every 2 weeks my mum would call or text me to ask if I’d been signed off again.
I’d dodge the messages because every time if I was honest with her, I’d be interrogated for not being back at work yet.
Last week I got a stomach bug which meant I had to call in sick again.
I apologized to my manager profusely and said that I’m so sorry, it’s not related to my long-term sickness, it’s just a horrible coincidence, but I couldn’t have gone in, vomiting, diarrhea, the full thing. Work was fine about it, but when my mum found out, she flew off the handle saying how I just am lazy and just don’t want to go to work.
She said how she has been trying to justify to herself why I was off for so long, and she ‘has to face the truth’ I just don’t want to go in.
As anyone with anxiety will know, not being believed is such a terrifying concept, and to hear my own mother imply it was made up to get out of going to work was extremely hurtful and distressing.
I replied to her saying I was really upset by what she had said. I said I didn’t want to row but I felt she needed to know that what she said was really out of line. She, again, flew off the handle, saying I am self-obsessed, controlling and that my behavior is appalling.
(I’d like to note, that I have lived independently from my mother for 5 years now and this was all via text. I pay my own bills so it has nothing to do with her really).
I truly don’t really understand what I’ve done wrong.
I tried to maturely approach her to say that I simply would like an apology for her cruel words, but she kicked off saying that I had a good upbringing and she’s sorry she isn’t good enough. She said she hopes I have a wonderful wedding day (I am getting married in September), which implies she won’t be attending which again was really hurtful.
I’ve put so much effort into trying to keep my relationship with my mum afloat, she has made digs at me my whole life which I have always risen above to avoid a row – but at this stage, I feel that she is making it impossible.
If I dare to speak up about anything, she shouts me down and makes me feel guilty, and I wish I never opened my mouth in the first place.
Would I be a jerk if I just cut ties? My fiancé and I are discussing moving away from the area and I might just go in the next couple of months and not tell her, but would that be too cruel?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, coming from someone who has had some anxiety and depression issues I can say I can try to relate. Once I cut all communication with someone (who I would have considered a really good, trustworthy friend) because I didn’t think they were treating me right, they would have made comments on my weight, how I expressed myself, and my education.
I would say however I didn’t cut off communication with them properly since I sent them quite a lengthy message telling them to screw right off (in layman’s terms).
The only advice I can give is when you move away make sure you tell her in the correct way, maybe by not telling her at all or waiting a few weeks/months and then telling her.
Or, wait until she asks.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to put your health first and sounds like your mother’s behavior is not helping. Make the move, cut off contact, give yourself time to heal, and the chance to put distance between your mom and yourself.
If in time, you find you’d like to resume contact to some extent, you can always reach out. But right now, having your mom in your life is not good for you.” steveholtismymother
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like your mom was contributing to your anxiety and depression instead of trying to help.
Sometimes the best thing to do is distance yourself from the negative influences in your life so you can work on you.” deskjockey19
7. AITJ For Blowing Up My Friend's Phone?
“This happened over a weekend. My (22M) close friend and I have been having a lot of arguments recently as a whole. However, I have been planning for a trip to visit her and she was down for it. So I visited my other friend first on a Friday, which went great.
The night before I plan to leave my first friend (so Saturday night) I called her and asked if she would be available to meet me on Sunday night. If she wasn’t, I would stay at my first friend’s place for another night and leave early Monday instead.
She told me that she was, so I booked an additional hostel night for Sunday and booked a bus ticket for Sunday. However, I ran into some problems and missed my bus, and instead of transferring my bus ticket to a later time (for free), I booked another bus ticket leaving soon so I could make it on time to meet her.
Yet when I got here and called her (after her work as she specified), she didn’t pick up and instead just texted me a simple text saying “hey I can’t meet you tonight, but I can spend the entire day with you tomorrow after my work.”
I was mad, to say the least, since a) she broke her word even though I literally asked her less than 24hrs before if she was available and I’m a person who greatly values keeping their word and b) I spent 50+ dollars to stay in a city on Sunday night for no reason (a decently significant amount for both me and her as we are both very poor college students and she knows that).
So I texted back “why/what happened?” and after receiving no response (another one of her bad habits) even though I saw her online and she saw the text, I went on a tirade.
Now, I’m not proud of what I did, but I was mad and tired and I texted her back a tirade saying what I just detailed above, and then when she still doesn’t reply, I then called her phone and through skype more than a hundred times.
Now, I know that sounds very creepy, but I swear I was just calling all that to prove a point, NOT with any creepy intentions. She turned her phone off after around 30 calls or so, so I did the rest knowing she wouldn’t pick up but was just doing it to prove a point (my bad habit).
After, I then texted her a text basically saying, “you owe me an explanation, so tell me where to meet you tomorrow.” Monday morning, I received a text from her telling me to go to this spot at a certain time, so I did.
I arrived, and she basically said “welcome to (city). I’m not going anywhere with you. I just came here to tell you this friendship is over.” She also added a bunch of expletives in there, said I didn’t deserve her friendship, that we will never see each other again, etc.
Note: this is not the first time she has canceled an appointment/meeting with me at the last minute so maybe that’s why I was so mad. Anyways, so AITJ for blowing up her phone and skype when she canceled on me?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your friend definitely messed up and let you down, but you didn’t respond well, to say the least, and your reaction will have only justified her behavior and response in her mind.
Your friendship is over and that’s probably for the best. If you want closure apologize for your reaction, but explain why her actions hurt you so much.
Moving forward try to start and end with explaining why your feelings have been hurt, rather than calling her a hundred times. Clearly expressing your emotions and disappointment in her behavior in a text would have gotten you a lot further and if she still didn’t care/respond you would have at least come out as the good guy.
I hope things turn out well for you. Reacting to bad situations in a way that can bring understanding or at least closure is a very difficult, but necessary, part of being an adult. No one’s perfect and I can understand your reaction, even tho I don’t think it was a good response.
I’d really recommend reading “The Art of Communicating” by Thich Nhat Hanh. I think it could help you in both your platonic and romantic relationships moving forward. Hope you’re having a better time than you did this weekend.” sammyg301
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
She sucks for canceling after you confirmed your plans, knowing you spent the extra funds to see her.
But… you called her more than a hundred times? To prove a point? Was the point that you’re completely insane because that’s all this proves.” niborosaurus
Another User Comments:
“Yeah dude YTJ. 24 hrs isn’t a lot of advance notice to make plans. Maybe she had something come up that was important and yeah I agree a little explanation would have been nice but it could have been a private matter and she’s not obligated to tell you.
Either way, YOU chose to spend the extra funds because YOU missed the bus instead of rescheduling for free. Plus you called her 100+ times and after 30 she turned her phone off? Maybe take a hint, my guy.” TheRadicalWizard
I would be mad about wasting money due to poor communication too, but that can be discussed a) over a reasonable number of texts, and/or b) at the time she indicated she would actually be available.
Maybe you're both better off without each other in your lives, but she can probably make friends who are more patient with flexible plans or poor communication. You are going to have a hard time finding friends who are more patient with unhinged entitlement.
Get help.
6. AITJ For Keeping Pots And Pans In My Room?
“I (20 F) live with three (all 20, F) other people.
Roommate A is my best friend and overall a great roommate. When roommate A and I decided to live together off campus and decided on an apartment building, we realized we needed two more people as the 2 bedroom units were way too expensive for us.
So the building managers emailed me and gave me the info for two other girls also looking for 2 more people. So we met in our student center, and they seemed like nice and fun people, we talked about standard roommate things (during which they both said they clean) and we decided to live together.
It became abundantly clear that neither of these girls clean up after themselves in a timely manner. Dirty pots, pans, dishes, and utensils would sit in the sink for over a week and not get cleaned. Eventually, we had a conversation over text and they said just ask us to clean them and it will get done.
Unsurprisingly, that did not work. So we continued having a sink full of dirty stuff and waiting til they eventually cleaned, usually over a week later. Also, it is VERY important to note that every single pot and pan, and most of the plates and stuff, are mine.
My parents either gave me old stuff or I bought new ones. I also cleaned their dirty dishes often as I like to cook. We continued to text and the dishes would not get cleaned unless roommate A or I did it.
Also, it is very hard for us to sit down and have an actual conversation about this with them, as they are both rarely home, and when they are they are either doing work or have friends over. We tried to have conversations numerous times during the first semester but it didn’t happen.
One of the other two roommates made mac n cheese in the pan I use to cook most nights. She left the mac n cheese in the pan with a bowl on top of it on the stove for a week.
I eventually asked her to clean it as it was starting to smell awful and I did not want it to ruin my pan. She said she would. Her definition of cleaning was filling the pan with water and sticking it in the sink, which was already full of dishes from her and the other bad roommate.
A few days later, roommate A wanted to cook and clean so she took all the dishes out of the sink, cleaned them a little, and put them on the coffee table so she had sink room hoping they would see them and clean.
They did not. I eventually texted AGAIN, and no one responded and nothing got done.
So after numerous attempts to get them to clean like the somewhat adults we are, nothing had changed. I cleaned all the pots and pans on the coffee table, (there were 3, there was also stuff on the coffee table that they brought to the apartment, so I left it) used one of them, cleaned it again, and now all the pots and pans are in my room.
Roommate A can access them, the other two can’t. If they start asking about the pans I have a whole conversation planned, but until that happens, the pots and pans live in my room.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I had the EXACT situation many years ago.
Cookware was locked away, roommate asked, I explained no pots and pans for you. He bought his own cheap ones and continued to leave the mess with his pots and pans. I would get mildly aggravated at having to move his dirty pots/pans to cook/clean only to put them back in the sink.
He would ask, “you really gonna keep them locked up?”
Me: “Yup!”
I would watch with amazement as he would fuss and complain under his breath when he had to clean his own mess, only to cook and create another one.
Some people never learn.” evh44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You tried to address the situation, but it went ignored. You were left with only one solution, remove your pots and pans from their use. Be prepared for an awesome conversation but ultimately they only have themselves to blame for this.
You may end up losing those two as roommates but the silver lining is you can put your pots and pans back in the kitchen!!” MonkeyWrench
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A friend once had this problem. He packed up all the pots pans and dishes and then bought styrofoam and plastic everything.
The pots and pans were his and he did the same, kept them in his room and used them. When the roommates asked he explained they could buy their own pots and pans. Ultimately he had to start leaving dirty pots and pans in their beds to make the point.” sowalgayboi
5. AITJ For Confiding In My Friend's Partner About Her Behavior?
“My best friend (f22) and I (f21) have been friends since 7th grade. We grew up together and have experienced a lot of our lives together. She’s lived with me multiple times, we went through similarly abusive relationships in high school together, which turned us into very different people, but we stuck together through it all.
She’s not the type of girl who can comfortably be single. I have no problem with it, she has a lot of childhood stuff she works through and she’s never known how to be single. We left our abusive exes around the same time, and she has been in multiple relationships since then.
I was single for a little over 2 years because of mine, and just recently was able to start trusting people again and I’ve been seeing someone.
Anyway, her behavior has always been a little erratic, coming from a family with a lot of mental illness, I see a lot of signs pointing to Bipolar disorder.
My mom, who also has Bipolar, believes she has it. I’ve never judged her behavior, I think people cope differently with trauma and she’s never had a stable outlet, aside from my family, which she used to be close to, but not as much recently.
A while ago, she made friends with a girl on an app. Her partner (m19) and she broke up for about a month and she was kind of seeing this girl. When she and her partner got back together, she lied to him about how they met, and they continued being friends.
A lot happened between them and my friend decided to not be friends with this girl anymore, so she invited her over to her house (where I was) and talked to her outside, explaining everything to her. While I was in her room, her partner showed up and started talking to me about everything going on with them.
I learned that she’s a compulsive liar (she tells both of us different parts of stories to make her look better and each of us look worse).
She and I got in a fight last year because we all went on a trip and her partner and I had a good time together when previously we had some issues with each other, but on the trip, we were able to squash it because we knew we were both important to her.
She thought I was trying to get in his pants because “I’m single and desperate for any kind of attention.” I’d never do that to her, I have boundaries. She has been with guys that I’ve tried getting with in the past though.
I told my mom the convo I had with her partner and she said I completely overstepped by going behind her back and that I should never talk to him when she isn’t there. My friend doesn’t know that the conversation happened. Her partner and I confided in each other about her behavior and we don’t plan to tell her about it.
I feel like I overstepped now and I’ve been worrying about it.
AITJ for talking to him about it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can talk to others about someone’s abusive behavior. You didn’t overstep anything just by talking to the guy when he came over.
Your friend sounds like some gals I knew once. They had these 2 guy friends who whenever all of us hung out were kind of distant and shy at first. But eventually, they warmed up to us and we all became really good friends.
Turns out those 2 guy friends weren’t shy. The girls just told them that another friend and I didn’t like them. For literally no reason. None of us are friends with those girls anymore.” BardicInclination
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
I know your heart is in the right place and you just want to fix everything, but her issues are her issues and you can’t force other people to do what you want them to do. It sounds like she’s pretty insecure.
You can be as honest as you want with her, but at the end of the day, some things you say might make her lash out and push you away. You have to be okay with this, too.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ this one time, it didn’t sound premeditated, but all three of you need to find separate, healthy outlets for your frustrations. I wouldn’t make it a habit of having separate conversations about your friend with her partner.” themix669108
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Never “triangulate” relationships. You deal with her with the things between the two of you, and he deals with her on the things between them. Then make independent decisions about how to continue with your individual relationships.” LAC_NOS
4. AITJ For Not Wanting Contact With My Father?
“I’m going to try to keep this objective and not turn it into a personal pity party, but bear with me guys.
Growing up, my parents gave my siblings and me the typical parent spiel of “we don’t have favorites, we love you all the same” which is all good and well, but that only works if you don’t show that you do have favorites.
Pretty much all throughout my life, I’ve been very argumentative when it comes to things I’m knowledgeable about. My dad is very argumentative too, but he tends to argue about things without any actual knowledge of the subject. But if I ever said something he didn’t like, he would yell across the table “you better shut your mouth little girl”.
He also tended to disapprove of everything I enjoyed (horror movies, My Chemical Romance, things like that.) And was not afraid to show it, and pester me about it constantly, despite me saying how much it bothered me. So nearly every night we were trying to kill each other by the end of dinner.
I have ADHD, which I have to say negatively affected my performance throughout school. Basically, it was a struggle to pass every single year. And of course, my dad was always on me about it, acting disappointed as ever with each bad grade.
Fast forward to senior year, and I was off my meds, and still made A-B honor roll.
After graduation, not once did I hear from either of my parents “I’m proud of you” or even a simple “good job”. That stung.
And just to pour some salt in the wound, I was talking to my siblings shortly after and they told me they had all received graduation gifts (a fancy dinner of their choice, class ring, laptop, something of the sort).
Needless to say, I didn’t get squat.
When I decided to move out, I sat down both my parents and told them. My mom’s immediate response was to start sobbing and say something to the effect of “how could you do this to me?” My dad on the other hand just said “have fun ruining your life.
You aren’t capable of taking care of yourself,” and then proceeded to leave the room. Well, I moved out in June and I’m still doing fine. So I guess he was wrong.
One of my sisters is still living at home and is in college.
My dad pays for her college, her insurance, her car, everything. She has to pay no more than $25 a month for her phone. I had to buy my own car and pay my own bills even when I was living at home.
Something just doesn’t seem right about that. Apparently, since I decided not to go to college immediately after high school, I have to fend for myself (bear in mind, my dad didn’t go to college either).
Anyway, I guess I’m gonna wrap it up now.
What do y’all think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my father was and is the same way. I have two sisters, I am the youngest and he would always talk down to us and make us feel stupid, call us stupid, judge everything we did, judge what we ate, treat our mother like crap, had a very short temper, and anger problems.
My mom was a nurse and worked until 11 pm so she never saw a lot of what went on and unfortunately, we were alone with him most of the time. When she was at work, he would absolutely flip his crap if we made so much as a peep in the kitchen making something to eat.
I have only ONE memory of him taking one of my sisters and me to do something. Each of us moved out at 18, which killed me because I’ve always been super close to my mom and would have lived with her forever and I’ve felt guilty leaving her there alone with him.
My amazing grandmother (his mom) basically raised us, and was at every school event, field trip, Girl Scout meeting, dance recitals, etc. she was my world and kept our family functioning. When she passed 7 years ago our family just went down a black hole.
HE has impacted my life in more ways than I can explain. All negative of course. 4 years ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, he’s doing well with that now. But recently he has had major heart problems and won’t tell anyone including my mom what exactly is going on and what the Drs are saying.
I’ve also found out that he’s planning his funeral services and doesn’t want anyone to attend. Including his wife and daughters. He’s the most selfish person I’ve ever met.
But now at 35 years old, I’ve realized I can’t let him influence my mind, my life, my view of the world and people and I needed help for the mental issues he has caused me and my sisters.
I started going to a psychiatrist about a year ago for possible ADHD and it’s been life-changing. My doctor is amazing and after 6 months of meeting with her she diagnosed me with adjustment disorder which is basically short-term depression (I pray it’s only short-term!) She also comes from a family that is dysfunctional which is a strange relief to me.
Through therapy, I’ve realized that MANY MANY MANY people have mental health issues because of family, but most people don’t like talking about it. I along with my sisters have no relationship with our father. He doesn’t call us and we don’t call him.
I am perfectly ok with that! He’s a sociopath, a narcissist, and manipulative. I’d rather have no relationship than a toxic one driving me into a helpless sad state of mind. I’ve cut out family members and friends who are toxic to me with no regret.
I absolutely refuse to let him influence my state of mind and who I am as a person. I will NEVER be like him as a parent.
My point to this long reply is that you need to put yourself first. Take care of your mental health because it is EVERYTHING.
If that involves cutting your father out so you can live a happy stress-free life, do it! That includes ANYONE who is toxic to you. B***d or not. Do what YOU feel is best for you and don’t think twice about it.
Don’t feel guilty, don’t let family members pressure you, do what YOU want to do. They gave us life, but that doesn’t mean we have to ruin ours for them. Take care of yourself and be happy!” moonray7
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Your relationship with him is not healthy for you. You’re allowed to cut ties if it helps you have a happier, healthier life. But are you prepared to cut ties with your sister and your mother too? Sounds like they may not stand up to him and maintain a relationship with you, unfortunately.
Take care of yourself.” OriginalDetective4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the sentiment that you somehow owe someone your time just because you’re biologically related to them is stupid in my opinion, your dad sounds pretty nasty so I don’t blame you for not wanting a relationship with him.
I would be careful how you go about it though cause you don’t want your limited relationship with your dad to impact a relationship you want with the rest of your family.” Squig173
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Read My Published Work?
“It has been my lifelong dream to be a writer. However, my parents raised me in a way that prioritized job safety way above ‘dream job’, and I was really good in school, so it was never a question for me that I would study something different at university.
Currently, I’m working on my Master’s degree in something unrelated to writing, and it’s okay, but not fulfilling. I’ve kept writing in my free time.
My parents haven’t always been supportive of this. We have a good relationship overall, but they never understood my love for writing.
They never actively hindered me, but they belittled it as a mere hobby, criticized me for being on the computer too much and wasting my time on writing when I should be doing other things like studying, being active, and so on.
(BSc hon, part-time job, I actively help in our household, social life is fine. I’m okay.)
Add to that: I love the fantasy genre, and it’s most of what I read and all I write. Since my teens, my Dad has been low-key criticizing/mocking me for it, asking when I’d start to read real literature for grownups, saying all fantasy books are bad, always the same, etc. We’ve had several heated discussions about this but he never changed his opinion, so I shut up.
Now it’s only a rare snide comment when I read in the living room. Due to all of this, I’m not comfortable sharing any of my writing with them, so I don’t talk about it to them at all and they just guess that I’m still at it.
2019 was a really great year for me. Two of my short stories got accepted for anthologies (they’ll be published soon) and one of the organizers is an editor in a small publishing house – it ended up with him offering me a publishing contract for one of my novels, maybe more!
It won’t be published till next year, but it’s happening! I’ve really never been so happy. This is my dream. It likely won’t be very rewarding financially, but that’s not the point for me.
Last weekend I told my parents about everything.
They’re really happy for me, and I think they’re starting to understand how big of a deal this is for me. My Dad said he was looking forward to reading them. But – I don’t want him to. Fantasy isn’t for everyone, and he clearly doesn’t like it (or doesn’t admit it, he loves LotR and really enjoyed GoT).
So I’ve asked him not to read them, as I’d rather he didn’t than him not liking them. We’re a close-knit, small family and my parents’ approval is important to me. After some discussion, I caved and said that I’d agree if he read at least 10 fantasy books beforehand so he could get a feeling for the genre (I could rec him some).
I can see he’s still deeply hurt. Until I finish my studies, I’ll still be living at home (rent-free), and my parents have always supported me as much as they could. We have a good relationship. But this is so, so important to me and I’m too anxious to just give in – but I know that it’s maybe unfair to him, and I’m not sure if I’m right.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk – I don’t think people are getting just how personal writing is and just how hurtful these kinds of comments can be. It’s one thing coming from a critic/teacher/etc – in those situations you’re usually getting helpful, constructive feedback from someone who knows what they’re talking about.
But from family, it can be harder, especially family who don’t understand or like the genre you’re writing.
That said, I think you should still give them a chance, and I’m not sure that your 10 fantasy book requirement is the way to go about it.
Instead, I’d suggest you have an honest talk with your parents about how deeply important this is to you and how their past comments have hurt you and are making it difficult to trust them to read your work. From the sound of things, you guys have a good relationship otherwise, and it’s possible they just haven’t realized how much this has been affecting you.
Maybe you could set down a ground rule that if they don’t like what they read of your work they just keep it to themselves?
An apology on your end for your hard “don’t read this” stance could be helpful too.
Even though you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings and you have justified concerns, it sounds like you did still hurt them, so it would be nice to acknowledge that.” throwawayas1775
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk. Ok, so I get why you feel the way you do, though to me at least, it seems like you’ve conveniently aggregated everything seemingly negative they’ve said about writing over the years when it’s probably not that serious.
It’s a parent’s job to make sure their child is healthy and meeting certain goals i.e. not spending every waking moment on the computer, getting exercise, studying for tests, so it seems like you’ve exaggerated some things they’ve said in your mind.
It would have been nice if they had been more supportive of your writing goals, though to be fair until you get paid for it, writing is a hobby and aspiring authors are a dime a dozen (most of whom work a job other than writing to support themselves, unless their writing career takes off).
They’re not wrong for wanting their child to have job security as an adult. That being said, they seem to have changed their tune a bit, are really happy for you, and want to support you. Let them.
Also, give them credit for literally supporting you during your higher education.
They seem to genuinely care for you and just have different likes/perspectives (typical of parent-child relationships). His problem may be that he hasn’t read any new fantasy (some older fantasy can all kind of run together, no offense to old fantasy lovers out there; I like some of it, too).
10 books seems excessive, pick out a few if you really think he needs an introduction- something you think he will definitely like, is similar in style to yours, something that deals with the same issues that his “grown-up” books do.
Otherwise, just tell him straight up that you’re very sensitive to his/your mom’s criticism in particular and that you don’t want to hear anything negative about your book from them if they read it.
Lastly, congrats to you for getting your work published!
This is a big deal! What sub-genre is your upcoming novel?” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ. It’s very difficult to get published and your dad was making an offer out of love and hopefully pride. He wants to make the effort.
He might be critical of your final work but it likely comes from a good place. Or he might love it. You don’t know. Asking him to read a bunch of other books isn’t really fair. I’ve read a lot of work written by friends outside my genre because it was written by friends.
Part of being a writer is learning to handle critiques. You can always ask him to “go easy” on it if you are worried. Think of how you would feel if he said he didn’t want to read it at all.
I’ve been published years ago but I can’t really say if my dad read any of it, and since he passed away, it is a bit late. Maybe next time.
And remember, once you have written something you really have no control over who reads it.
Personally, it might be nice to give him an actual book copy and inscribe some words of thanks to the people who taught you to read and write and support you. It will mean a lot and he’s much less likely to be critical.
Congrats on your publications!” CollinZero
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk.
Okay, look. I totally get why your dad is hurt by this: you have told them your story is getting published, they’re proud of you, and now you don’t want them to read it?
Doesn’t really seem thought through, not gonna lie.
But at the same time, I’m a writer (ok if I keep calling myself a writer I actually need to get back into writing), so I 100% understand that initial knee-jerk reaction of “wait no you can’t read it”.
Writing is personal and people I know reading my work is terrifying, because they are really delving into my thinly veiled emotions, they are understanding me on a dramatic and deep level, and they are silently critiquing my work, even if they won’t admit it.
But they’re your parents, and that’s just how it is. Just let them read it, y’know?” StarringAsEm
2. AITJ For Expecting More Out Of My Husband?
“My (28F) husband (31M) and I have been together for 12 years, married for 5.
We have a great marriage and I’m very happy with him, but there is always one thing that gets me down. The fact that he doesn’t try to do anything for me for special occasions.
I have always been someone who likes to try to make special occasions more special for you to make you feel loved. Unfortunately, it seems no one else has ever really done the same for me.
Growing up, I got the generic girl gifts, the expected popular gift of the time, or something that was way off base (example: the neon green cowl-necked knit sweater with a tail my mom gave me).
When I started getting into relationships, my experiences were terrible.
My husband was the first guy to treat me decently. He knows all about my experiences growing up, and relationships, and he knows that I just want to be wooed or made to feel special, but honestly it’s the only thing he’s bad at.
Whenever a special occasion comes up, he stresses about it, then lets that stress take him over and when the special occasion comes he tells me what he had planned but it didn’t work out. I would be hurt because I went through the effort to make him feel special (1-year anniversary scavenger hunt, homemade chocolate dipped strawberries, etc…) but I wouldn’t let him know I’m upset because I was raised that it was selfish to expect things from others.
But he knows because he sees it in my face and it makes him feel terrible so I have to comfort him to make him feel better. What kills me though is that he knows this is important to me.
I know people think valentine’s day is a stupid holiday, but I see it as another chance to let your SO know you care, and he does too. He was out of town for the 2 weeks before and I wanted to make him something special. So I learned how to make homemade chocolates for him.
I learned the right chocolate to use, how to temper properly, how to make filled chocolates, and made 5 fruit-filled chocolate flavors: Passionfruit, key lime pie, mango, lemon curd, and raspberry.
I was really proud of these chocolates and it kept me busy while he was gone.
But come v-day, he comes to me with his story of what he wanted to do but couldn’t because of reasons, and I’m sorry, but either it’s I’m fed up with this or the fact that I’m pregnant but I got upset.
I told him he knows I just want to feel special and like I’m worth some sort of effort, and it’s really hurtful that he keeps messing this up. He says that it’s the thought that counts and I shouldn’t be mad.
I said the thought doesn’t count if I never get to see it and that even if he got a bouquet of flowers or something as a backup I would be happy. Then he called me selfish and materialistic.
Our marriage is great and it’s just this one thing, so AITJ here to expect some form of romance or effort after 12 years of being together and getting squat? Or should I just grin and bear it because he’s trying?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I get what you’re feeling. Find a time you both are calm and lay it out to him. Make a list on Amazon of things you like but don’t need. Label the list “Just Because or Gift Ideas” some people do NOT know how to give gifts.
They know they want to do something but don’t know how to accomplish that particular project. By giving him an idea of what will fit, what you can use, and what you will like, it will allow him to pick something.
Unless you’re watching the list like a hawk you won’t even know that he got it for you unless you get the package before he can.
I know this sounds like a get-out-of-jail card for him. And it kinda is… it’s also another way to show that you love him even with all of his faults.” RebootDataChips
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My partner is the same way. I think the pressure of doing something grand and special for you has built up so much that he’s not able to perform. But also, he may not fully understand how much it bothers you.
He might think that the ways he shows he loves you should be enough, like acts of service or quality time. I would frame it in an analogy.
Let’s say one day he was really craving a juicy, perfectly cooked steak.
He tells you that he would really like this for dinner. When he comes home, instead of a steak, you’ve made homemade enchiladas. Now, he might love your enchiladas and appreciate the work you put into them, but jeez, he was really craving a steak.
All that anticipation for a steak building up all day was a bust. Wouldn’t he feel disappointed too? Now imagine this disappointment but magnified 100x over for 12 years for every special occasion. Maybe this will help him understand where you’re coming from?” Whosedev
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, I want to give you a hug. It seems like there is a long history of people not being respectful of you and your husband knows this and yet misses the mark every time. He should know that the gesture of doing something would count for a lot, but he gaslights you into not even thinking you deserve that (it’s not selfish or materialistic if you spent hours making chocolate).
Being pregnant has nothing to do with it.
Also, other people are talking about love languages here: maybe yours are different, but your husband seems to know yours and won’t step up. He thinks he can get away with it because everyone else has treated you worse.
Seriously, I want to give you a hug.” Bridalhat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like, completely. I’m the same way, and at this point, I’ve just given up. It feels like crap that a person can’t make an effort three times a year (birthday, X-mas (in my case), and Valentine’s Day).
I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I do cakes, cards, treats, and presents, and I get a thank you. Me? A whole lot of nothing. And, for me, it’s not about the gifts themselves – it’s the pleasure that someone thought of me.
A card is fine! On my last birthday, I got a gift and was grateful. A few weeks later, I found an unsigned birthday card and candles (including my age, so I know they were meant for me) stashed in a pile of random crap.
That’s when I decided to give up. It’s painful to feel as if there’s not a lot of thought given to you.” JustineBootay
1. AITJ For Writing An Honest Essay?
“I grew up in a very rough place and I got taken from my parents because they went to prison.
This happened when I was 14.
I am now 17 and in a foster family and going to school in a nicer place. It’s been good all around and I’m on track to go to college. I absolutely feel like the older I get and the more agency I get in my own life, the better life has become for me.
I’ve got crap in the past that I don’t look on fondly at all, but in the present, I’ve got great friends, a kind foster family, and a good life. And in the future I’ve got so much to look forward to, I’m gonna try to get my driver’s license soon, I want to go to college and live in the dorms with everyone my age and make a lot of friends and learn a lot.
I want to get a job, I’ve just got a lot to look forward to.
So in school, we were reading a book and a theme of it was the preciousness of childhood. And we had an essay to write about the things we miss about childhood as we grow up.
One of the example essays my teacher gave us was about missing how you could do silly stuff like run and play and nobody would judge or laugh at you.
But I wracked my brain and had nothing. I could not think of one thing that was better when I was younger than it is now.
I feel like I’m coming up in the world, I’m on track to achieve all sorts of stuff I’m dreaming of, and it’s only up from here. And looking back is only looking downhill.
So that’s what I wrote my essay about.
How I didn’t have the ability or agency to achieve my dreams when I was younger but as I get older I get more and more out of life. I learn how to advocate for myself. I can choose to go to a therapist and improve myself.
I learn more interesting things at school. I have the power to make decisions about my future. I have the power to improve my own situation. I have the power to choose who I associate with and who I do not.
Children do not have any of that, and I do not miss being without those things. And I think that in a few years when I’m in college I will not miss where I am right now either. I feel like I’m on an uphill climb and it feels so much better to look toward the future than the past.
So the answer to what I miss about childhood? Nothing at all.
I thought I wrote a good essay and explained and defended my points well but my teacher gave me a failing grade because I did not “answer the prompt.”
I went to talk to her and said that I think “nothing” is an okay answer to a “what…?” question. Like, “what do you want for breakfast?” “Nothing” or “what’s in the box” “nothing” etc.. Those are fine answers and make sense as a way to answer the question.
I told my teacher that I didn’t have another answer and she did not seem to believe I had nothing. Not even one little thing. Even when I said, “exactly, not even one little thing.”
I have a week to redo my essay and I feel like my options are honesty and failing, or lying through my teeth to pass.
WIBTJ to give the same answer in a week?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – However, I caution you.
I’m an English teacher, and an answer in opposition to the prompt is perfectly acceptable in my class. I typically encourage my students to think critically and recognize that they don’t always have to agree with ideas presented in prompts or literature.
That being said, I am also a career academic, and I have found that there is little to nothing to be gained, other than a pittance of pride, by going against a teacher’s expectations. Some teachers are petty and will hold it against you if you rebel against their expectations, and worse yet, some will make your life miserable if you go over their heads.
I had a political science teacher that gave me a B after I made As on every test; he cited that I had low participation in the class as a reason for the B. I participated more than most other students; I just had political views that opposed the teacher’s and as a result, found myself often arguing in opposition.
I went to the dean after talking to the professor and making no headway. The dean saw my side, and I got my A. However, I had that teacher again for a required course, and I noticed a harshness in grading in that course that was disproportionate among students.
I really had to struggle for that next A. Contrarily, I had a poetry teacher that gave each of my essays Cs. When I found out that he was one of those teachers with very narrow views, I went to his office, asked his opinion on a poem, wrote in line with his thinking, and started making As.
I commend you for justifying your answer, but your teacher did not accept the justification. You can fight it by talking to the administration; however, I worry that you may run into unexpected consequences. I’ve found that it is more beneficial to conform to teacher expectations than it is to buck them.
I justify conforming to myself by recognizing that if I can write/argue from a standpoint from which I don’t believe, then that makes me an even stronger debater. I would rewrite the essay and show that while I disagree with the prompt, I can write to fit the teacher’s brief.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Will your foster family go to the school counselor and/or that teacher’s boss about this “redo” with you? With my teacher hat on, you did answer the prompt, but without reading it I can’t give you any feedback on the defense of points, grammar, etc.
A fair approach might be to ask another ELA teacher to read the information you were given about the assignment and then your response and re-grade what was already turned in. It’s not your fault your birth family sucked. It’s not your fault being honest in an assignment isn’t what a teacher thinks you should turn in.
It’s worth asking someone in authority to have a talking to with the teacher about her expectations for childhood; not everyone has that ideal “riding bikes to catch the ice cream truck” background.
Now, that said, my own childhood was pretty tough in spots, but not so bad that there aren’t things I can look back on fondly.
The catch is, that I don’t actually remember most of my childhood. With traumas, we often just block out everything so the trauma doesn’t become all we focus on. When I was a kid, we had a dog who was awesome.
The yard was usually peaceful and quiet, and the trees were thick enough that it was hard to see from the house. And our neighborhood library kicked some serious butt.
If you do have to do the retake, phone in some kind of bull crap that meets this teacher’s idea of forcing people to idealize a childhood.
Heck, make up a story if you have to based on something you remember and can elaborate on believably. Maybe a favorite shirt that “was a gift from grandma” or “a really nice neighbor who acted like an uncle”. Whatever.
But remember this going forward; not everyone has the courage for honesty. Being honest about child mistreatment and neglect will trigger people to try to force you to be silent about it.
The more survivors talk about it, though, the more it becomes normal to talk about progress, moving forward, not dwelling on the mistakes of others, and putting down the baggage other people left with us.
Talking about it appropriately is a good thing. But some people will be more comfortable with lies.” BeckyDaTechie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I honestly would’ve answered the same thing, but of course for my own reasons. Some people don’t have good childhoods and/or have better adulthoods in every aspect.
Answering the prompt from the bottom of your heart and recalling tender moments (whether good or bad) and analyzing them shows that you know how to explain yourself, see themes, and appeal to your audience’s emotions. I would also imagine it being harder to make, as you would have to go through EVERYTHING and prove there’s nothing you miss.
Plus, you managed to turn the prompt on its head and give an unexpected twist of an answer. I actually did something similar when I had to conduct an interview on a topic I have chosen earlier and analyze it for use in an upcoming argumentative paper, but I didn’t have access to people knowledgeable on the subject.
My upcoming argument was on body armor of the Medieval period, so I intentionally got an interview from somebody that has little knowledge on the topic to get a common sense and qualitative answer on what makes good armor. The teacher didn’t expect it at all, but I completed the prompt and it demonstrates that I had the skills the prompt begs.
In essence, turning a prompt on its head like you did shows resourcefulness and creativity on top of what skills the prompt is testing, and your teacher denying that is unreasonable. You had nothing, so you made that your answer, which turns that nothing into something.
A good option would be to get help from your teacher. Sit down with them and ask for help to figure out a positive theme in your life (of course, not forced, because then the work would suffer). If neither of you can think of something, the teacher would have to see that “nothing” is the best answer.
If you find something, write about that. Plus, you can get brownie points because talking with instructors really shows you care about doing well in the class and learning and the teacher might understand you better as a person.
If you want to revise, but keep your answer, maybe proving in your work how your life has only improved since growing up will better convince your teacher.
Or you can give the teacher what they want and maybe default on “new experiences and becoming stronger”. That’s what I do when saying “nothing” is rude, because it’s always technically true and easy to write about without lying (or at least lying too much).
You can use it as reasoning as to why you are the way now. However, that definitely isn’t as interesting as turning the prompt into a juxtaposed coming of age story or an analysis of the suffering of some.” Echo_Kangaroo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your teacher is teaching you a valuable lesson: Choose your battles. You’ll encounter in life all sorts of people who want you to do something their way, even when you know better (Or think you know better).
Sometimes when someone wants to put you in a box like everyone else, just pretend to be a box. Literally easier than shattering the ignorant worldview of a teacher about the possible subjective experiences of children.
Yeah, you can go complain to the principal/head/Minister of Education, but you’ll still fail the essay and your teacher will hate your guts.
They could’ve failed you but gave you another chance to submit something. They specifically said this time ‘no, nothing doesn’t count here,’ so it’s not like you can say “oh I think this will count as an answer I wonder if they’ll accept it”.
Just do the darn essay the way they want, and go on with your life.
If you want to sympathize with the teacher, imagine you gave someone an assignment “what did you hate the most about your childhood?” and someone submitted a 2-page in-depth review of how perfect their childhood was.
Screw this person, what a shmuck, right?” ohrv
