People Are Intrigued To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
20. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To See My Twins Anymore?
“My (35F) husband (30M) and I have been married for 5 years, I have 15F twins (Anne and Rachel) from a previous relationship, their father is very much still involved but they also love my husband dearly.
Aside from some minor stuff like Anne being thinner than Rach, Rach has darker freckles and a long scar on her right thigh. They look exactly the same.
When we got married, my twins were very well accepted into my husband’s family, he can’t have children of his own, so his parents were very much pleased with two girls in the family. In the beginning, my MIL treated them just the same, but as they were growing up my MIL grew closer to Anne (I’ve always suspected that it has something to do with Rach’s weight, MIL is pretty skinny too).
My MIL and ex-MIL were pretty excited to plan their sweet 16 because that was the only thing Anne talks about. I could see Rach less excited than her, she thought that she would be tossed aside because Anne is more girly while Rach likes darker stuff, but that wasn’t the case, my ex-MIL went above and beyond to have both of them included and they chose a MyMelody and Kuromi theme so it’ll match.
My MIL was talking about how beautiful THEIR dresses would be, how she’ll ask her DIL to be their MA, and such. My ex offered to pay for all of that but my MIL said no. The party isn’t until November, but yesterday my MIL went out and took Anne with her, she was supposed to ‘help her with some stuff’, but my MIL surprised her and took Anne to a seamstress (one of MIL’s friends) so her dress would be custom.
My girl came home so excited and happy, but I saw Rachel on the verge of tears, I asked both of them to go to their rooms.
I could see my husband begging me not to, but I asked her why did she only take Anne and not both, she tried to act stupid because she went from ‘I thought their father was gonna buy her dress?’ to ‘I planned on taking them separately.’ I called it nonsense and she said it was not her responsibility to pay for both of them and I said sure, but you don’t get to play favorites.
I said she was uninvited from the party (and I’ll be paying her back), she wasn’t allowed to be with them anymore until I said so and that, at least, she should apologize to Rachel. My husband took my side and my MIL left my house crying. After she left, I called Anne down and told her that my MIL won’t be coming to the party and that her custom dress was canceled, I explained to her why and she understood just fine, she even said sorry to Rach.
My FIL called us and said that I was so wrong because they’re two different girls and shouldn’t be treated like one, he tried to berate me but I just hung up. AITJ for that? I know they’re different, but is it so wrong that I don’t want my MIL to exclude Rachel?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While relatives have closer relationships with other relatives due to shared interests, what your MIL did – and admitted to doing- was too much.
If Rachel didn’t want a custom dress or hated dress shopping, okay fine. But your MIL admitted she didn’t want to get Rachel anything at all while paying for Anne and taking her out for a special outing. She could so easily have handled this with an ‘Anne and I share the same tastes, so I took her first and now want to talk to Rachel about if she would prefer I just pay for her dress or would she like to go shopping for one, knowing our tastes are different.’ But nope, she fully admitted that she had zero plans for Rachel, and allowing that kind of stuff to continue creates issues for Rachel but could also damage the relationship between the sisters.
I do hope you stick with your ultimatum. And I hope you talk to Anne and tell her how proud you are of how she handled not getting a custom dress and for supporting her sister. Make sure she knows that her ‘sacrifice’ wasn’t lost on you and that her love for her sister is amazing. Then take both girls out and find them the dresses they each want.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she wants to pick a favorite then she doesn’t need to be around the children Period. Your daughters will both remember this moment and should they become parents they will have seen that you treated them fairly even when others refused to.
Now yes they are different, but here’s how you handle that ‘Hey girls I have a friend who’s a seamstress and can do custom dresses, would you like to get them for your birthday?’ If one says no because it’s not in her interest then you’re fine, maybe should do something else special for the one who says no, but just blatantly ignore/pay for only one, fully admitting you’re playing favorites by claiming ‘not my responsibility for both.’ Absolutely not, that should NEVER fly.” StrykerC13
Another User Comments:
“FIL is wrong. The two girls shouldn’t be treated like one is less than or doesn’t exist. If a 15yr old has the sense and compassion to apologize to her sister, when she wasn’t even in the wrong and lost out on a custom dress, then MIL can get out with her tears.
Even her excuses are trashy, her dad was going to buy her one, ok he can buy Anne’s too.
She was going to take them separately, ok why? When?
She’s right about one thing, it’s not her responsibility to pay for both of them, but she took on that responsibility when she decided to throw this party for BOTH of them along with ExMIL, not just for her preferred girl.
NTJ. Treat them equally or don’t bother.” HunterDangerous1366
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Eat An Old Ham?
“My husband (39M) and I (39F) have been married for almost 12 years. My MIL broke her arm approximately 6 months ago and is still recovering, but doing many more activities than she used to, including traveling. She is not a poor woman (this is relevant) – she owns a large home with a pool, a small pond, and a separate rental property. She goes on vacation about 3 or 4 times a year.
This Easter, she invited us to come over for dinner, along with my BIL (49M) and SIL (45F). I am not Christian and was NOT looking forward to coming over for dinner. My husband convinced me we should go to spend time with family. We bought cocktail weenies wrapped in bacon and a low-carb cheesecake bar. My SIL brought green beans and deviled eggs. Both my SIL and I eat low carb.
My MIL said she would make ham, potato salad, and brown rice, so I can only really eat the ham out of what she made for dinner. When we get there, we pull out the ham for her since she couldn’t do it with her still recovering arm. She then tells us that one of the 2 partial hams she cooked was from Christmas 2020. It was very clearly freezer-burned, had a translucent appearance, and was mostly gray.
The other ham was even older and she had to taste it to see if it was still good – she told us to eat the newer ham. I silently grabbed the keys and bought a ham at Kroger. I did not say anything to her about her ham, just bought a new ham and put it on the serving plate. I was not rude to her, I just didn’t want to eat a 1.5-year-old ham.
No one ended up eating the ham she prepared except for her.
Everything seemed fine. She then texts my husband the next morning, saying that she felt insulted because I bought a ham instead of eating the one she prepared with her injured arm. She said that ham lasts up to 3 years in the freezer and that the ham was still good. In my opinion, the ham was definitely freezer-burned and NOT good.
AITJ for not wanting to eat this ham?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Simply because the ham was frostbitten and gray which means that the meat had gone bad and was not properly stored in the freezer.
I pulled my last ham out of the deep freezer from Christmas time of 2020. My ham was not gray. (They were $5 along with turkey breasts because the store is trying to get rid of them because they don’t want to keep them in their freezers).
It’s very easy to tell the difference between bad products and good products when it comes to pork. Very obvious. The gray is the biggest indication that it was bad because it was probably unfrozen or defrosting constantly at some point.
Someone needs to educate her on proper freezing techniques when it comes to meat otherwise she’s going to end up poisoning herself and others.
Edit: I seriously cannot believe how many people think food does not go bad in the freezer… it will extend the life of your product but it will not save it forever. Do you all know that your spices go bad eventually?… and the expiration of your food also has to do with how you store it. Spices can go bad in bad storage temperatures just like bread… God… food safety should be a mandatory course in school.” EliseCowry
Another User Comments:
“The ham was still good but the taste and texture would have been affected. It is kind of rude to serve visibly grey meat though. She has the budget for new ham lol it is rude to bring food that someone prepared though I don’t want to say you’re in the wrong because she wasn’t using sense. I will go with NTJ.” WoofingtonSpiff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel you on this one. My mom is NOT poor but she would probably eat out of a dumpster and not bat an eye. Her freezer is packed full of random crap that has been in there for years, some of it at least 10 years. I know because some of them are pastries that I made for her. Her fruit and pieces of bread are usually moldy and she will keep leftovers until she finishes them not until they are bad.
She has had the same condiments in her fridge since before I moved out which was in 2007.
You think I am exaggerating but I absolutely am not. She feeds these things to guests. She whips out those same salad dressing and stuff at parties or dinners and she won’t throw them out until they are used up. She isn’t poor and there is no weird trauma.
She thinks she is being thrifty. I am not sure how she hasn’t died from some of the things she eats but someone should test her because her immune system is probably bulletproof by now. I haven’t eaten at her house since 2007 and before that, I bought my own food, people are just nasty sometimes.” ODB247
18. AITJ For Evicting A Tenant Whose Husband Recently Passed Away?
“My husband and I (both mid-30s) have a lovely two-family house that we purchased as a foreclosure after the 2008 market crash. We renovated and lived in the property (we’re quite handy), renting out the unit we didn’t live in.
Eventually (after grad school) we saved enough to buy a new home and we moved into that. We then rented the unit we had moved out of to a woman (mid-40s) with children (under a year to 17) through section 8. She has been there now for two years. Over the past year, she stopped paying her share of the rent. Over the past four months, section 8 stopped paying their own share of rent because the apartment didn’t pass their inspection.
Why didn’t it pass? Because the tenant had removed the $700 interconnected fire alarms we had installed.
We were also notified of extensive damage to the interior of the unit (holes in the walls and doors). We told the tenant we were not going to renew her lease and in February we asked her to vacate the premises by March. She did not, so we formally began the process to evict them.
She was served the eviction notice last week. She is now texting us asking to negotiate, saying that her husband unexpectedly died in January and she has been having trouble with that. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now, but at the same time she has not paid us in over a year and she has trashed a home that we put our b***d, sweat, and tears into.
She (and her late husband) have also been verbally aggressive to my husband and me in the past. I have no interest in working something out with her, and I just want her gone. So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You can’t trash the place and ask for help later on. Screw that, kick her out. She’s an adult – tell her to figure it out.
Note in many states, tenants messing with fire alarms or CO detectors is a big no-no and enough for the landlord to legally break the lease and evict that person.
Not to mention, re-entering another lease means you’re likely just going to deal with more late payments and her trying to not get evicted. Evicting her now is the cleanest thing to do.” sandwhale-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Not paying the rent… you can decide to be compassionate about, especially if you could still get the subsidy. In your place, I would lean that way. HOWEVER. Damaging the place so it doesn’t meet livability standards and you can’t get the subsidy or readily get another tenant? Running up your costs? Trashing a life safety device that protects the building and the tenants on both sides?
That’s a hard no.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Did her husband ghost time travel and trash the house and treat it like garbage the previous months? Did his time-traveling ghost make her act rude, and aggressive for the preceding months?
She’s a terrible tenant who cost you money and frankly you’re not rich enough to give this jerk charity. She is and was a terrible, selfish tenant from the underworld and needs to be gone.” FlahBlast
Her husband passing away recently is NOT an excuse for owing rent for over a year. She just wants sympathy and frankly doesnt deserve it. Losing a spouse is hard but taking advantage of others is rude.
17. AITJ For What I Said To My Coworker's Son?
“I (22F) work with a coworker (28F) at a daycare. Her son (3m) attends this daycare. She told our Director she wants the closing shifts in the winter to give her kid more time to sleep and since it’s been getting nicer outside she’s now requesting that she open all summer. Our director told her to work it out with me and another coworker so as of now we all agreed it was fine.
Back to the point: this past Friday, there was an issue between her son and another boy (3m). Her child bit another child. I was trying to help the boy who got bit by cleaning off his bite mark and giving him ice when my coworker comes in with her son. Her son apologized 10 times in a row but the boy I was helping ignored him as he was still pretty upset.
So I turned to my coworker’s son and very nicely and politely said ‘(son’s name) thank you so much for apologizing that’s very nice of you but I think your friend needs a minute. He’s still upset so I don’t think he wants to hear it right now.’
My coworker got so annoyed and defensive in my face screaming ‘OP why are you giving my kid attitude.’ I replied with ‘I’m not I’m…’ She cut me off to scream in my face ‘yes you are you’re giving my kid attitude.’ I said ‘I’m not, all I’m saying is he’s upset and still needs a minute because he’s not answering your son.’ She then proceeded to call me a jerk and a witch for giving her kid attitude and since then she’s been awful.
Refusing to break me, (when she’s supposed to give me my break) talking trash to 2 other coworkers and the assistant director. Now I’m being shunned and am the outcast at work because everyone refuses to listen to my side of the story.
I’ve tried going to my director to get her and my coworker to all sit down so we can talk about this like adults but my coworker flat out refused and said she doesn’t want to talk about it.
She’s still being awful and I told her today that if she’s going to keep this up I’m not agreeing to your summer schedule and I am going to keep my opening shift instead. She got really mad about it and started cursing me out and calling me the jerk, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I worked in a daycare for years and this would’ve had her fired in less than a week.
It always gets complicated when employees use the daycare services. Because some of them or most, not because of any reason specifically other than parents being protective, feel like their children should be treated differently because they are theirs, and we know them.
The director’s child, for example, was a bit of a handful, tbh. And one of my coworkers caught her pulling another girl’s hair, to which she said ‘X, no, we do not pull our friend’s hair.
She does not like that’. Everything was very gentle, except for the initial ‘no’, which was more shock than yell. But the director had just walked into the room and LOST IT for a second.
Called her by name furious and said ‘is that how you just talked to X???’ Poor coworker cried for hours thinking she was getting fired.
The difference is that the director apologized to her privately AND held a meeting saying she’d be taking time off work.
Turns out her wife was deployed and she was alone taking care of her child and their adopted disabled child as well, on top of having to handle a whole daycare. SHE TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY.
This situation would definitely cause me to have an ‘either me or her’ kind of mentality. You’re telling your employees that there’s preferential treatment amongst them. And that employee children need to be given special treatment over the others.
And that if one employee is behaving UNPROFESSIONAL and borderline HARRASSING, then you have to take it.” prettyinpinkleather
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your co-worker may not want to discuss it further, but she is continuing to punish you with continued hostilities. I would insist your manager get on top of the hostile workplace incident that is continuing to unfold to your detriment.
If your co-worker won’t stop her passive-aggressive actions against you, then tell your manager you would concede to her wish to drop it, but not happily – but since she is still continuing with her negative behavior over the incident she needs to step in and address it.” gemma156
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She cursed in a classroom? That’s automatic grounds for termination in most (good) centers. Yelling on top of it? Undermining another staff in front of children? All huge no-no’s in this field.
You shouldn’t tolerate your coworker being abusive and creating a hostile environment, but it’s also such a low-paying field that it’s usually better to periodically switch jobs for raises anyway.
I’d start looking elsewhere, even if they hear your side of the story she will retaliate for being called out. She already started by not relieving you on schedule. Some states even have specific time frames they have to be offered in and she’s risking a center fine over that pettiness.” Ancient_Look_5314
16. AITJ For Bailing On Our Coachella Trip?
“I (19F) got invited to Coachella. I had told the friend who invited me multiple times I couldn’t go because of finances, school, work, and family.
I’ll just say I am an engineering major, so my school workload is heavy and deadlines are pretty hard with all my professors.
She ended up getting an extra ticket and literally said ‘I don’t care, you’re going. I’m forcing you, in a joking manner. But she wasn’t joking. I expressed my worries but she just kept on pushing. I accepted very reluctantly.
She wasn’t planning on selling the ticket or anything, she said bc the tickets are going for so low right now anyway. I’ve known we were going for about a week and a half. Not much time to prepare but I was willing to try.
She ended up inviting her other close friend, her partner, and a separate pair of friends. We are all okay together but not close at all.
The one thing we have in common is her.
Last night my project partner for engineering informed me she’s dropping our class. I am alone on a 300-point project due on May 2. I got assigned a new essay today, and I will have a chemistry exam a day after we return. Not to mention I’d be missing my grandma’s visit from out of state if I went.
We’d be gone from mid-Wednesday until Monday night which is 5 whole days.
After a lot of anxiety, I told my friend I can’t go. I told her she can keep the 100$ I paid her for the camping supplies. She’s obviously mad and acting passive-aggressive. She went and immediately started complaining to the others who are going about how I’m being ‘stupid for not getting my schoolwork done before this’.
AITJ? It was wrong of me to pull out so late but I really thought I’d be able to manage until this recent essay got assigned. I still feel like a piece of trash. She and I are not talking as I told her I didn’t appreciate her calling me stupid after I’d offered to let her keep my 100$.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You expressed to her many times you didn’t want to attend and she went ahead and bought a ticket anyway. She’s the one being a jerk for not listening to you and not understanding how important school is to you. It’s fine if she had different priorities and the time to attend, but she needs to respect yours. Plus a week and a half isn’t much time to plan for missing several days of school.
Don’t feel bad, you made the best decision for yourself. She got plenty of warning before she bought the ticket for the event that you didn’t plan to attend, and she should have listened.” ExRiverFish4557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ll go out and say as someone who throws music festivals and works the festival and club circuits if you don’t want to go or don’t feel comfortable going, DO NOT GO.
Festivals can be an absolute blast and a positively life-changing experience. They can also bring heaps of stressors and can set people up to have a really hard time when they get home, or even during the event if you have too much on your mind that’s taking you away from the immediate experience. That’s not worth it for you. Only go if you have the time and energy to go, and that’s for any festival, not just mega massive fests like Coachella.
Never mind all the red flags of your friend being pushy (which are all pretty evident). I’m just focusing on you here.” tophiii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not your fault your project partner bailed on you before your project was completed. If she can’t understand that you are now doing the work of two people on this project, then she can pound sand.
The only thing you are guilty of — and I mean with a small ‘g’ — is that you should have remained firm on saying that you weren’t going.
Never back down when someone is trying to force you to do something that conflicts with more important things.
This is a situation that will happen throughout your life — learn to say ‘No means no! And stop asking me!’ And if they persist, make yourself scarce. They are not your friends.” kb_run
15. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Participate In The School Prank?
“Whenever it’s near the end of the school year at my school, the exam students/graduates get to prank the entire school for one entire day.
This usually happens two weeks or something before graduation day and it’s called Cray Day (a dumb name I know). It’s planned with teachers and students, so it’s not like teachers don’t approve, as they’re part of the planning and preparing of pranks. They usually send out an email a week before Cray Day to notify students of the strange obstacle courses, slippery stairs, or weird happenings that may occur.
Basically to prepare them for the pranks.
My partner (18m, not a graduate) of course got this email too and decided he wanted to ‘participate in the pranking’. I told him that it’s not his place to do so, it’s only for people that have finished doing their exams and are graduating soon. I also said that they’re in cahoots with all the teachers, so they have a list and schedule of the pranks they’re going to pull and where this will happen at what time.
So, if he were to prank ‘the entire school’, which is his plan, it wouldn’t end well, as it wasn’t discussed with teachers because he isn’t in the ‘pranking committee’, as it were. It is basically just a major risk for him to get expelled. I told him this. He isn’t an exam student. He can’t do it. But he won’t change his mind and he also won’t tell me what he’s going to do.
I’m afraid he will embarrass himself by pulling a major prank because he thinks it will be accepted that day. He tells me I’m not accepting ‘the real him’ whenever I even mention the word ’embarrass’. He won’t understand that he can’t just do this and thinks I’m ruining his fun. AITJ?
Edit: he has friends that are graduates and therefore thinks it’s ok to do so as he can just ‘do it with them’.
At least that is what he thinks he can do.
He just said that I’m ruining his vibe and that he has to teach me how to have fun in life. I’m hurt now but I can’t help but feel I’m hurting him too…?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I would consider dumping him, OP. This is the kind of person who has a chance of becoming someone who is more than willing to expand this beyond just a simple prank and seriously hurt the people around him.
Just think of how well he’ll respond to law enforcement and laws later in life if he has such blatant disregard for the simple rules of your school now.
This is a boy who has made up his mind and now is launching cheap shots at anyone who talks sense to him. Let him fall and face the consequences of that action. You’re better off running the other way.
This really stands to have a great chance to see you getting hurt, in multiple ways.” TheEuphoricTribble
Another User Comments:
“This is an absolutely awful school tradition and I am surprised no one has gotten seriously hurt. Pranks can hurt people really badly and it’s awful that the school and teachers support this. It makes everyone think pranks are ok. They aren’t. Pranks are cruel and meant to humiliate and embarrass people.
Everyone sucks here for participating in normalizing and accepting pranks because clearly, your immature partner seems to think it’s a way for him to express himself.” pink4pink
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ here. If him being juvenile and crashing an annual event that he wasn’t invited/intended to be a part of and possibly ruining the entire thing for everyone in the future is ‘the real him,’ I think that says a lot about his real lack of respect for other people and their safety, rules, authority, etc. and that he lacks the ability to use any of the forethought that is going to undoubtedly be necessary for life…” Not_a_cool_username_
14. AITJ For Not Being Worried About My Brother's Dog?
“My heart stopped in 2019 for unknown reasons, they installed a defib and I haven’t had another episode until Feb 23 of this year.
We found out that I have PVCs that meet my normal heartbeat and end my life randomly. At present, they’ve told me good luck we don’t know what to do.
A few days after I left the hospital Feb 23 it hit me that this will be my life. I can’t drive until further notice and I have to always make sure I’m in a safe space so that dying and coming back doesn’t cause any extra damage.
I’m 23 and almost done with college to be a cardiac psychologist (lol). I’ve been super traumatized by this and was started on Ativan daily bc I couldn’t calm down for anything.
The Monday after my incident my brother said his dog needed emergency surgery Wednesday, how serious was my not driving thing, and I told him super serious bc I could die and wreck the car and ruin someone else’s day.
He asked me to go with him to the surgery bc he was worried about having a panic attack and I said I would let him know Tuesday around noon.
Tuesday morning at 4, I woke up and proceeded to freak the fudge out for five hours straight. I’m not going into details on my freak out but it was debilitating. At the end of that, I was exhausted and realized I couldn’t be there for someone physically and emotionally, I just didn’t have the spoons.
So I texted him a shortened version of that and told him I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. I was physically and mentally exhausted and kind of scared to be away from home. He called me a piece of turd muffins. (Obviously used harsher language than that.) So I left it at that. And the emergency surgery was the dog getting spayed and she’s totally okay now and happier than before.
But now I had another episode on April 8 and we still aren’t talking and he refuses to talk it out with me or back down. He says it was important to him bc he was scared, I say I didn’t have the capacity to take on someone else’s stuff. I still don’t. I worry I’m the jerk bc yeah I could’ve sucked it up and gone to the vet’s office, but I just didn’t have it in me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother doesn’t seem to care that you have a very serious health condition that is taking a toll on you physically and mentally. You can only handle so much. Your health must take precedence. While it’s rare that a dog needed to be spayed as emergency surgery, it can happen but your health still takes precedence. With how immature your brother is acting, I can only imagine how he would have acted had you gone and had an episode of either variety.
Take back one of your spoons by not worrying about your brother. Your energy is better served elsewhere.” Gallifrey685
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m sorry about your medical condition and I’m sure it’s very tough to deal with, but everything about this post screams me me me. You don’t have to support your brother in his times of stress, but it seems like you are using your condition to invalidate anything that’s going on in his life.
I get that to you it’s just a dog having surgery, but it’s clearly something that was stressing your brother out. From the post, it sounds like you didn’t offer any encouragement. I get that you weren’t feeling up to going to the appointment, but couldn’t you have talked to him on the phone the night before to try and lift his spirits?
Now because YOU have had another medical episode, you expect your brother to just throw out all of his emotions to support YOU again. I get that you’re going through a lot, but relationships are a give and take with people. You just keep taking and expect everyone to be cool with it because your life is hard right now, which isn’t really how relationships work.” Ryan233tiger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother is one though. I’d send him a note about how his pet’s surgery was not something you could handle because you almost died a few times recently and you are going to take care of yourself for a while and block him so you won’t be extra stressed and can deal with your anxiety and health concerns. Tell him off!
You might feel much better!! (I actually would block him) Take care of yourself! I had an ablation for PVCs but mine doesn’t seem to be as bad as yours. Stress isn’t going to make you better! You need to distress!” Pomegranate_1328
Also, please see a therapist and second opinions and all that because I'm sad to know you're living in fear every day.
13. WIBTJ If I Did The Project Alone?
“My buddy Matt and I have a class together (we also play a sport together) and we’ve been good friends ever since school started. Lately, we just haven’t been talking as much. Everything has been relatively one-sided. I’m pretty annoyed with him at the moment about a variety of things not relating to the project but those are stories for another time.
Our teacher assigned us a project on Friday and said that we could work with a partner and we kinda just looked at each other. So we then both asked each other to partner up. However, this is before I started to think about what that would mean.
I’m the type of person who is always on time (half an hour early) and he is the type of person who is always late (anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour).
He’s the type of person to waste time, I’m the type to want to finish something as quickly as possible to get out of there. The project isn’t going to be a tremendous amount of work, but with everything I’ve seen from him, I already know that I’m going to do the vast majority of the work.
I’ve already come up with the main idea, and have no doubt that with the type of person I am I would get fed up with the speed at which he would get his parts of the project done.
I have no doubt that he would get the work done. But I think that working with him would drive me crazy due to the fact that I will be done with my half way before him.
I’m having doubts about doing the project with him, so would I be the jerk if I told him I wanted to do the project on my own now?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If you had waited until you had already started the project to tell him, you would be the jerk. But from what you’ve written, it does seem like there’s still time to discuss it and he can easily find someone else to do it with him or decide to do it by himself. I think as long as you say it nicely, and don’t say it’s because he’s lazy/doesn’t work, it should be fine.” wormlover14
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. From an adult perspective, work is work and if your work styles are non-compatible, it’s not your fault. From a teenager’s perspective, you should be prepared to anger him and maybe lose him as a friend, but it wouldn’t make you a jerk.” yanivelkneivel
12. AITJ For Suing My Ex-Husband Because Of Our Daughter's Headstone?
“I (27F) have told my ex (26M) that I will take him to court.
My ex and I had a daughter together almost 6 years ago, but unfortunately, she sadly passed away. That put a strain on our relationship and ultimately we split up, I left him after an incident happened which I won’t go into detail about.
Skip to 2021 my current partner had saved some funds for a new temporary headstone to be put on my daughter’s grave, this then annoyed my ex because it had my last name as well as his (it’s not on her birth certificate as he lied about double barrelling our last names).
I did tell him that I was adding my last name and he approved as it’s only temporary until I have the funds for an actual headstone.
Since I placed my daughter’s temporary headstone my ex has told me he is going to remove everything that I have paid for. I have asked him on multiple occasions not to and I have had sleepless nights about it.
I reached out to his family but they don’t seem to care that he is going to destroy their granddaughter’s grave.
Recently I have heard that when he has time off from work he’s going over to take/destroy everything I have paid for on her grave (which is almost everything). I messaged his step mum and said if he does that I will be calling the police and taking him to court for any damages that he does, she told me I can’t because his name is also on the plot and that I am a jerk if I do take him to court.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so he doesn’t want to pay for any part of his child’s headstone and wants to destroy the one she has?? What is wrong with him?? Even if you can’t get monetary compensation surely he can be charged with vandalism or criminal mischief or something if he does any damage, but still, what kind of person does something like that?” ShannonS1976
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I cannot see why he is so annoyed with the grave having both of your last names on it. But ok, that aside, you already bought the thing (which you admitted to being temporary) and it looks like he is not being cooperative with buying a new one so he is just gonna destroy it?
I truly don’t know your chances of winning anything in court since I’m not a lawyer but I think he is being unreasonable.” tatofeles
Another User Comments:
“His stepmom is wrong. His name may be on the plot, but he didn’t pay for it, so you would be 100% in the right to call the cops, have him charged and arrested and, if need be, you can take him to court for damages.
And, no, you would not be a jerk.” straightarrow1969
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Part Of The Family Anymore?
“I (24F) always had issues with my family. They have always compared me to my older cousins (30+) who all work in high positions. I on the other hand had bad luck with jobs so far. Even tho I have a degree in design and my grades were decent in school I was never good enough for them. That I am into games, dropped out of university, and used to struggle with my mental health just never sat right with them.
I never thought much of it because I was simply the youngest member of the family.
I overheard conversations between my mum, aunts, and grandma several times where they called me a disappointment, broken, a burden, and a failure along with other things on several occasions. Never have I spoken up about it until this weekend.
We had family stay over at our house. My parents live in the downstairs apartment, I live in the upstairs one.
We held some nice little easter family gatherings at my parents’ one. For a few years now I had two younger cousins (13, 14F). My aunt stayed over in my parents’ guest room with her youngest. I tried to give the oldest a good time because I know how boring it can be to sit around with a bunch of adults. I didn’t realize how spoiled she is.
She gets everything at the snap of a finger. She walked around the house as if she owned the place and even went to use my work pc without my permission. Everyone praises her even tho she is failing another school year. Everyone is being really supportive to her while I have to listen to my grandma calling me incompetent and saying that I made my mum drive 2 hours while I attended university just to cook my food and do my laundry which obviously isn’t true.
During the weekend I have also been told by one of my aunts that my last partner who lived in a different county probably had an affair since I probably didn’t satisfy his needs and that someone like me should rather stay alone. My other aunt told me that I am good for nothing because I was fired from my last job even tho I now work at a way better company.
My little cousin called me a witch for not gifting her one of my cats which she fell in love with. My whole family was alright with this happening.
That’s when I realized that I in fact have not been treated like this because I used to be the youngest. I had enough when I was accused of being selfish for not giving up the cat I saved and raised for my little cousin.
I told them over dinner that they now have crossed the line and to never speak to me again because I don’t want to be part of such an emotionally abusive family anymore.
They are all mad at me now and have complained to my mum via phone and text constantly. My mum told me that I embarrassed her in front of the whole family and my dad told me I should go and apologize which I refuse to do.
But I’m starting to feel guilty now and feel like I might have overreacted by calling them abusive.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – By everything you have said they ARE awful. I am so sorry that you have had to live in a family that doesn’t support you. I won’t say ‘get out’. Because that’s easy to say, very difficult to accomplish. I just want to tell you that you shouldn’t measure your achievements or happiness based on other people’s supposed successes.
Find your own path, and travel it at your own speed.” trewlytammy1992
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and for your own sake lock everything you own up from now on.
Meaning if these… toxic people are going to be around, your pc now gets password protected, your living area is now fully locked down and NO ONE gets access to ANYTHING of yours.
They made their choice to be jerks, do not reward trash behavior for any of them.” Tricky_Dog1465
Another User Comments:
“They are awful people. Don’t ever doubt that. You will feel so much better going NC with them once all the initial outrage blows over. It’ll be such a relief once everyone just gets used to it. Hang in there until that happens.
NTJ.” psatty
10. AITJ For Letting My Cousin Grab Easter Eggs That Weren't Meant For Her?
“My aunt (call her Karen) always gets her way, no matter what. She’s entitled, brags about how much money she has, and bites more than what she can chew.
She buys luxury cars but they always had loans on them that were never paid off. My family member (call her Gina, important later) gave her money for a cruise and still hasn’t paid them back. This is just a small summary of what she’s like, but onto the story.
My family always throws an Easter party, but for that day it was just a small party like usual. We cracked cascarones/eggs onto each other, all chatting about upcoming parties and summer plans, and I was just waiting for the heat to go away.
For some odd reason, I didn’t notice that every kid was inside the house, so when I walked out Karen asked if I was going to join the egg hunt. ‘Yes, but most of my eggs will go to Ash (my youngest cousin at the moment/not real name),’ I said and she said it was fine. I went inside and got Ash ready to grab eggs.
Karen comes inside (and said in front of Ash’s mother) to go outside and get some eggs. I walked Ash outside and started pointing out eggs for her to grab. The door swung open from behind me and this goes the conversation.
Karen: ‘OP, Why is Ash out here?’
Me: ‘You said only little kids go first, so I thought I’d help Ash gets some eggs and I’ll wait till the big kids come out.’
Karen: ‘I didn’t mean Ash, I meant my little ones!’
I looked at her puzzled, ‘But she is a little one. The only one who is younger than her is her sister who’s not even close to a year old.’
My mother heard and was embarrassed as this happened in front of a guest we dearly love. I couldn’t stop Ash from picking up eggs, so I started grabbing eggs as well and said ‘Welp what’s done, is done.’ Karen huffed and went inside to let her kids come outside, then my mother got involved.
Mother: ‘Why couldn’t Ash get some eggs? I thought this was for the whole family?’
Karen: ‘These eggs were for my kids, but I didn’t want to say it out loud because I didn’t want to look like a jerk.’
Mother: ‘You should’ve said it either way, but you have your own place, why couldn’t you do it there?’
I didn’t hear the rest, but from what I could gather, my mother tried paying her back for the eggs Ash and I gathered and told her ‘This is for the eggs OP and Ash grabbed,’ but Karen likes to be petty and said, ‘no it’s fine.’ Then threw a small tantrum in front of Gina by tossing the money on the table and leaving early.
Gina asked my mother what was wrong and my mother told her everything. Now Gina’s mad at my mother for saying something, but my mother plays no jokes when it comes to people telling her kids things when they didn’t do anything wrong. Gina is mad at my mother, but some of my other family members think otherwise (some were there at that moment). For my part, this is clearly a misunderstanding, but I didn’t know it was only for her kids.
So I ask you, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She literally said that she omitted some IMPORTANT detail that everyone was supposed to just know because that detail would make her look like a jerk.
She self-identified as a jerk. That puts you entirely in the clear. NTJ.
Not saying something because she knows it’s a jerky thing, but then getting upset when people just do what she said instead of what she secretly meant makes them a double jerk.
Who in their right mind would throw a children’s party game during a party and not invite all of the children?” JudgeMonkey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Obviously, the person who openly admitted to not wanting to say something out loud for fear of looking like a jerk is going to be the jerk in the situation. If you know you can’t even vocalize your actions without sounding terrible, then you should know that you’re being terrible.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your aunt said, in front of the little kid, that it was ok to get eggs but then got mad that said little kid got eggs instead of her kids getting them, that’s her issue.” Deondebomon
9. AITJ For Leaving My Partner At The Bar?
“This is my first serious relationship (together 9 months at the time) and this year was my first Valentine’s Day not being single. I’m not the type of girl that needs to be wined and dined but this being my first V day in a relationship, I was actually excited. We had talked about what we would do and my partner often said how great a cook he is (he’s cooked for me since, and yes, he’s a fantastic cook!) so he said he wanted to make me a fancy dinner.
I loved this and was looking forward to it for weeks.
The day comes and we were both working that day. The plan was to meet up after work, go to the grocery store together and I can have some wine while I watch him cook. He finishes work about an hour before me so he went for a drink with his work friends while he waits for me.
When I finish he asks me to meet him at the bar which I’m happy to do because I’ve never met his work friends before. I get there and have a drink with them. It was lovely meeting them and we were all having a great time.
After I finish my drink, he orders another round. I’m thinking that’s fine, we’re having a nice time but it’s getting late and I’m hungry (I skipped lunch in anticipation of dinner).
Another hour and another round roll by. I try to get my partner’s attention (we’re not sitting next to each other) but I can’t. I don’t want to tell him in front of his friends that I want to go because we are having fun and I don’t want to seem like I’m spoiling it and I do want his friend group to like me.
Any other day and I have no problem at all, it’s just that I was super excited about today.
I was so hungry a few hours in I contemplated ordering food at the bar in front of him but even I thought that was a level of passive-aggressiveness I wouldn’t be comfortable with! My partner at this stage is tipsy so I know cooking is no longer an option.
At this point, I’m getting annoyed and ravenous so I decide to go meet up with friends who I know are nearby and will be having dinner. I get up from the table and nicely tell the group I’m leaving. My partner looks a bit shocked and asks should he come too, and I tell him no that he can stay with his friends and I turn around and leave before he says anything else.
I meet my friends and don’t check my phone. (FYI, I never have my phone out when I’m with company, I think it’s rude. This is why I didn’t just send him a message when we were in the bar). When I finally check my phone I have lots of missed calls and messages and we make up that evening (I’m no longer hungry so I’m a lot more forgiving!)
AITJ or was my partner? He thinks I should have spoken up at the time but I’m in a new group of friends who I’m actually trying to impress so I didn’t feel entirely comfortable pulling him away. If I’m the jerk, I’ll hold my hands up and apologize!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner was.
You were working on the already agreed-upon plans and acting accordingly.
He was the one who changed the plan by getting wasted with his mates without actually ever communicating that he had changed the plan.
If anyone is at fault for not communicating enough it’s him. He’s also at fault for ruining your valentines by getting wasted with his mates, not having the cognitive ability to realize he was ruining your night, and then being mad at you when you went to feed yourself!
He should genuinely apologize and none of this backhanded ‘well you should have just told me’ nonsense.” NotNowEpimetheus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Okay, your partner should have kept his promise with regards to your plans for the evening, but why would it have been out of the question to go up to your partner and ask, ‘so are we not doing dinner and having drinks instead?
I am having a great time, so I do not mind either way, but I do have to get some food in me. What is the plan?’
I do not understand your excuse that you were looking to make an impression on his group of friends, because if anything, asking him about and giving him a choice as to what the new plan would be, in my opinion, certainly would make them look more favorably on you than just announcing abruptly that you were leaving and sort of telling him to stay with his friends as you were walking out the door without giving him a chance to reply.
Of the two of you, you were a bit more of the jerk than he was.” kimariesingsMD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner was responsible for knowing what time it was. It shouldn’t be on you to remind him. He could have put a reminder or alarm on his phone if he was that absent-minded. He messed up and owes you an apology.” Windermyr
Another User Comments:
“Honestly. I just feel there was a miscommunication. Yes, he should have remembered dinner but at the same time when he asked if he should come too that was definitely your chance to say ‘yeah’.
It’s valentines day nobody would have judged you to be direct like ‘Hey guys we’re having a blast but we have plans. Look forward to seeing you guys next time.’
No jerks here. You guys seem like you’re still learning from each other. I bet communication is way better now than at that time.” Shareesav
8. AITJ For Changing My Mind About Moving With Our Friend?
“My husband (28m) and I (23f) live on the West Coast and have friends and family on the East Coast. One of my husband’s best friends of over 20 years (28m) has been visiting us recently, flying out for a week here and there.
While he was in town the last time, he brought up a job opportunity that he has in Arkansas. He was eager to accept the job and asked if we would be willing to move there with him so we could get a house together instead of him being stuck in an apartment by himself in a new state.
While this seemed like a great idea at first, we have since discussed that maybe it would not be so enjoyable.
After spending the last visit with him, we think that all of our personalities and lifestyles would clash. Not to mention, we have a 1.5-year-old son together, so moving into a house with another person would encroach on the lifestyle and routine we aim to give him. Our friend is a bit more reckless of a person. And while he acts with seemingly good intentions, a lot of his behaviors and actions turn self-centered and we’ve begun to realize he is quite a narcissistic person at times.
Moving into a house with him would eliminate a lot of decisions we are able to make by living on our own. We would end up having to deal with his own routines and any people he decides to bring back to the place at any hour of the day or night.
Here’s where the jerk-ness may come in. After he left our state and went home, he was under the impression that we would be moving with him to the new state.
He took up the job opportunity, talked about it frequently, and posted about it on social media. Along with these posts came him revealing more undesirable aspects of what it would be like to be housemates with him. We have had a hard time admitting that we do not want to move with him any longer but finally alluded to that fact. Now he has been posting about how he will need a new roommate and won’t be moving as soon as he thought.
He’s been more standoffish with my husband and rude at times.
We’re firm in our decision to not move with him, but are we the jerks for changing our minds?
Let it be known that in his field of work, he would have no trouble affording a one-bedroom apartment by himself and we believe it is just the aspect of being alone in the state and taking his own time to find the apartment that is now holding him back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s ok to change your mind – it would have been better to tell him right away so he could make plans. But you sound like you are not good at setting boundaries and saying no. Not sure why else you would agree to move across the country to a state that you appear to have no connection to, not to mention living with a single guy while you have a toddler.
Stop being people pleasers and just say no or if you need more time to make a decision, say that.” Canning-mama-1998
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for changing your mind (especially once new evidence came to light) but a bit of a jerk for not letting him know the moment you were sure. Putting off the inevitable just made it worse for everyone.” TaliesinWI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is at a different stage in life. If he has behaviors you both don’t like, imagine your child copying those behaviors. If they don’t suit you, then you’ve made the right decision.” Aggravating_Law_1315
7. AITJ For Coming Out To My Family?
“I (28M) had been trying to avoid this for as long as possible.
I’ve always been bi, but have never come out to my family. My reasoning was why put them through that when there is a chance I could end up in a heterosexual relationship? I live across the country and only go back home a few times a year, so it is pretty easy to do my own thing without really having to go into my personal life.
But about two years ago I started going out with a great guy and it doesn’t feel like it will be ending anytime soon. We just bought a house together and I felt like I could not really keep it secret anymore. So yesterday I called my parents and told them over the phone.
My dad was supportive, as I knew he would be, but my mom just did not say anything for the entire phone call.
My younger brother later told me she spent the rest of the night in her room crying. I did not know exactly what her reaction would be, as this type of thing just does not come up in my family. I don’t think I have ever heard her mention one word positively or negatively about LGBT people in my entire life. But she is very, very Catholic and it does not surprise me that she reacted this way.
I firmly believe that any negative reaction does not come out of hate, but a truly held belief that her son is not going to heaven for living in mortal sin.
I also know that this might have very serious repercussions for her side of the family who are also extremely catholic if they find out. I am godfather to two of my young (5 and 7) cousins and don’t know if I will be removed from that or even if my aunts and uncles will want me around their children at all at this point.
And again, I really do believe that they are wonderful people in basically every way that happens to have a sincere belief in Catholic dogma, which means that I’ll be sent to the underworld.
I feel so incredibly guilty at this point. I feel terribly that my mom is going through this and also that my dad is having to deal with his wife going through this.
I don’t even know what will happen to the rest of my family and would feel terrible if I cannot see my younger cousins anymore. I said earlier that I didn’t see how I could keep this a secret, but more and more I realize that I could’ve if I really wanted to. I could have just continued to go home a few times a year and just deflect any conversation about my personal life.
I guess that would not have worked long-term because my partner and I both want kids eventually if we are fortunate enough to have that option, but I really did not need to drop a bomb on my family like that yesterday. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve to be known as your real self, not as who your family is comfortable knowing.
I’m sorry that your mom is struggling, but that’s not your problem. It’s her crisis of faith, and she’ll have to find her own way through it. (It’s also my firm personal belief that the Christian god would be much more offended by someone lying to maintain the appearance of virtue than by someone being honest about mortal sin.)
I hope you aren’t cut off from your extended family, especially your cousins.
But I think you’ve done the right thing. Please take care of yourself, and my best wishes go with you and your partner.” millihelen
Another User Comments:
“She could also be mourning the life she thought you were going to have, and the children she hoped you’d have.
This doesn’t mean you won’t have a happy loving marriage and hopefully children someday, but she hopefully just has to get used to the idea it’s not going to be the way she pictured.
You are NTJ, you have to live your life, and be the person God made you to be. I bet everything will work out just fine, once your mum gets over her shock.” squirrelcat88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Coming out is a process – for you and your family. It does not matter if you told them then or a year later – the reaction would probably be the same.
You are happy and you wanted to share your happiness with your family.
Just give them time. She might come around. You took the first step. And BTW even if your mother had shown support for the LGBT community in the past – it can be different when it is your own son. Carry on your normal conversations with them, and maybe integrate your partner’s name into the storyline.
Show patience and understanding and let them reciprocate (hopefully).” crbryant1972
6. WIBTJ If I Told My Partner Not To Text Me All The Time?
“I (19F) have been ‘seeing’ someone (20M) for a few months. We are exclusive but not together, that is another issue but I’ll deal with that later.
Since we are in college we end up being long-distance for a month every few months. Spring break is our second time doing this, and we have not seen each other in 4 weeks.
Anyway, he texts me A LOT, like a lot. If I take more than 10 or/20mins to reply, he will text me again. If I do not reply then he will usually text me again an hour or so later.
He then makes me feel bad for not replying, saying that he thought something had happened to me.
I do enjoy texting him, but it’s suffocating. I’m someone who finds it hard to reply to texts, even if it’s close family or friends. It drains me to be in constant communication with someone or to feel I need to be available to them 24/7.
I very rarely do this to him, unless I have something super important to tell him. For example the other day, he was out and read my text and didn’t reply for over 8 hours and I felt no need to double text. I think you should be able to enjoy yourself without needing to be on your phone the entire time
I was abroad recently with my family and was not on my phone a lot at all, he was constantly texting me and I was replying when I could, I would even tell him I was busy but he seemed to not take it into account.
He texted me today to say that it seems like I no longer want to text him, the thing is I do but just not so much. Would I be the jerk for telling him to stop texting me as much?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you wouldn’t. Communication is critical at the beginning of any new relationship, especially in LDR. He’s insecure but that’s not your fault or your responsibility to fix.
Set and KEEP boundaries for everything that you need to. Tell him, the double text is too much, to start. That ‘I thought something happened to you’ is gaslighting controlling nonsense. Shut that down. Be honest about his guilt trip and say ‘yeah, I don’t want to text you all the time’.
Having an obligation to do something, almost always, kills the spontaneous desire of WANTING to do something.
Tell him that you will respond when you want to and that he should have genuine reasons to text you, not just to check on you 50 times a day. Tell him that you want to have spontaneous, organic, and natural conversations with him, that are genuine and not forced. If he persists, be ready to cut him off completely. Don’t threaten, warn or give an ultimatum, just cut him off.
You shouldn’t have to repeat yourself over and over, you’re not obligating to maintain his self-esteem, you don’t have to be the ‘only good thing’ in his life. He’s gotta grow up.” ROZDOG69
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ
It’s only a few months, so you’re still in the ‘getting to know how you communicate and operate as a (non) couple’ phase.
You should have a conversation quickly.
You both sound like you have different needs in a relationship and you need to discuss it and find a compromise that works for both of you.
It doesn’t need to be a big drama, it’s just finding a balance. And if you can navigate your way through this imbalance, you’ll both be better prepared for future challenges.
You owe it to both of you to speak up, as it sounds like neither of you is happy with the current situation and it would be a shame to throw the relationship away for the sake of a frank, adult, non-confrontational conversation.” OK_LK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – try setting up times for texting. Tell him you can’t just be sitting around waiting for his texts 24/7 and that you will answer/respond to texts from time A to time B and that outside of those times you will text when/if you can. Explain to him the double standard he has with texting you and then stick to what you have told him.” User
5. AITJ For Being Angry At My In-Laws?
“My (33F) husband (33M) and I had our first baby 8 months ago. We live in New Zealand, and all of our family is back home in Singapore.
During the past years, no one has been able to visit us so far. I haven’t had the easiest time transitioning into motherhood. I’ve been lonely and my emotions have been all over the place. Every time my in-law’s video call us to see the baby and ask how I’m doing, I tell them straight up if I’m having a rough time that week, etc, to which they always reply, ‘oh’ and that’s it.
No other comment or encouragement. That happened a few times and since then I’ve stopped sharing how I’m feeling because it’s met with basically nothing. They expect me to be on cloud nine all the time because who could possibly be remotely unhappy when you’ve just had a baby?
A few weeks later my MIL told my husband that I’ve been very quiet and if there’s anything on my mind I should share it with them, that they want to know how I’m doing and that I can talk to them about it.
When he told me that, I figured okay, they really want to know what was on my mind so I shared everything I was feeling. Lonely, bored being home 24/7 alone with a baby, that I missed working and earning. Missed my old life, feeling resentment that no one is here to help us. I acknowledged very clearly that it’s no one’s fault but I can’t help but feel resentment still.
And I also told them that the reason I stopped sharing my feelings was because I was getting nothing from them in return.
They video called my husband and me after reading my message. The very first thing they said was that they read my message, we are not professionals, we don’t know how to help you, it’s best you speak to a professional (counselor).
They also said I seem to be in a negative mental rut and need to think and find positivity. At one point they also said it was all in my head and it’s a mindset issue. They said they were also alone when they had their children and they managed and dealt with it. And they also said that lots of other people manage it themselves too.
The whole conversation broke me. Completely. I shared my feelings and was extremely vulnerable in telling them my thoughts and this is what I got. I’ve been extremely angry and hurt by them and haven’t spoken to them since. AITJ for how I feel towards them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
However, I wouldn’t necessarily call your in-laws the jerk either. Don’t get me wrong – opening up about something difficult makes us vulnerable, and I know how much it sucks when it’s not met the way we want (e.g. with understanding).
They have a point; they’re not professionals. If they’ve never experienced the way you’re feeling now, it can be difficult for them to know what to say or respond to your honesty. And as you point out, they aren’t able to find something to do either, as they cannot physically be there with you to ease your transition to motherhood. While there have been many before you carrying these struggles (and there will be many after you as well) we’ve only started talking about these issues recently, and there is still so much we don’t know, which may explain some of their ‘solutions’ to the issues you are facing.
Additionally, there’s the health crisis that has been messing up our lives for the last two years.
I would recommend you seek professional help, as they will be better equipped to guide you through the difficult times and help you process the feelings you have. Loneliness for sure is the devil’s invention, and I don’t wish it on anyone. Your thoughts and feelings are normal, important, and valid.
Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, and please, do not carry this alone.” kfredheim
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You shared your feelings and they aren’t equipped to deal, and they’ve said it. It sounds like you do need to speak with a mental health professional/counselor for possible postpartum depression.
They also made another point here – they also did it alone.
You may need to reset your expectations a bit, health crisis or not. You and your husband decided to have children, nobody else made that choice. And the responsibility (and sometimes burden) is yours and your husband’s alone. Not your parents, in-laws, siblings, etc… yours! And the only help you are entitled to is the help you pay for (e.g., nanny. Daycare, etc).
So, talk to someone qualified to help you through the struggles you are having as a new mother.
Tell people what you need and ask for help. But be prepared for some people to say no and accept that. There are better times ahead and being a parent can be rewarding and fulfilling!” jsodano
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t have kids, but from everything I’ve seen, being a new parent and adjusting to a new way of life is b****y hard.
While it does sound a bit like you might be in the territory where the most practically helpful intervention is professional, it’s not unreasonable to expect family to show you love and care (which they could do by simply listening and empathizing before making more practical suggestions).
While it isn’t necessarily rational for you to feel resentful that they aren’t able to help, you don’t actually have to be rational all the time and you can totally and validly express less rational feelings and still expect to be met with kindness.
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing in distancing yourself from them for now (although if they have been good and kind people until now, I would advise considering whether and how you’d like to keep them in your life going forward) and in trying counseling (which I totally get isn’t the right fit for everyone but if you have the resources, I would recommend checking out different types of t***************s of thought because that can make a huge difference to whether it works for you).
In any case, I want you to know that this stranger on the internet has heard you, seen you, knows that your experiences are valid and that you’re doing an amazing job.” BraceBraceBrace
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. They gave you silent support. They sat there and allowed you to vent to them. They don’t know how to actually support you or what to say without sounding condescending.
If they answered with ‘that sucks. Sorry, you’re going through it’ it’s just empty. They probably don’t want to give you empty words. You’re not a jerk for wanting more… but you do need to acknowledge that they aren’t the help you need in this situation. Not everyone is good at dealing with others’ emotions.” TragedyRose
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite 24 Kids To My Son's Birthday Party?
“I got a call from my son’s (6) teacher today. Let’s say her name is Ms. Goldbaum.
She says, hi are you Al’s (fake name) father? I say yes and ask if everything is ok. She tells me that she understands he is having a birthday party and that he invited a few of his friends from class, but not everyone. I said yeah, there are a few kids in there that he has problems with, and also I don’t think we can really handle hosting 24 kids and their parents.
She then tells me that there is a rule that if any kids in the class are invited that all kids in the class are invited. I told her it is an event off school hours on private property in my home. She can tell me what I do there and who I can and can’t invite no more than I can decide who is invited to her Thanksgiving dinner.
She then tells me there is a good reason for the rule since kids get their feelings hurt if they get left out. So then I pointed out to her that there are 24 kids in the class. If their parents attend the party with them then that can be upwards of 72 people and I told her that’s just not a reasonable thing to ask. I also point out that he has friends from other classes attending, so do I have to invite that whole other class too?
She then said ‘Al is in my class. He is under my supervision. This is my rule.’ I then told her that Al is only under her supervision while he was in class. I am the one throwing the party, and she doesn’t get to make rules for my house or me. She then said if it involves her class, she does.
After a bit of back and forth on this, I lost my cool.
I said ‘Lady, it’s pretty clear that you’re too used to bossing around kids who have to listen to you and that you don’t seem to understand that your little fiefdom ends at the end of the school day and doesn’t go further than schoolhouse gates. I am not a 6-year-old in your class. I’m a 38-year-old union electrician planning a private event in my own home, during off-school hours.
If you think you’re the one to make the rules for me, in my home on which I pay the mortgage, you can go screw yourself and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.’ She then kind of stammered and I ended the call.
My wife agrees that the school has no business telling us who we can and can’t invite into our home and that they don’t make rules for our house.
However, she says I went too far in telling Ms. Goldbaum to go screw herself. I am very comfortable with telling her that she has no right to tell us who we can and can’t invite into our home and that it is crazy I might have to invite up to 72 people for my son to have any friends from his class attend but in truth, I do kind of wish I left that last ‘go screw yourself’ part off.
But my friends at work and a few other parents tell me someone needed to take her down a peg since she was getting too big for her britches and deserved a lesson about overstepping.
So AITJ?
Edit — we invited roughly 9 out of 24 kids from his class. One or two may be from other classes–I’m a little embarrassed to say I’m not totally sure because I feel like I should be, but that’s what it is.
Secondly, most of the invites were done by my wife directly texting the other kids’ families. There were a few kids whom my son wanted to invite, but I didn’t have their families’ contact info. So, we gave him a few sealed envelopes with notes inside saying we understand the boys are friends and that we’re having an event for his birthday and even aside from that, we’d like to set up play dates.
From there, the family contacts us and then myself and my wife do the invites after we chat with the family for a bit. My son himself doesn’t do the invites. He is a 6-year-old boy. We do the invites through the other parents.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I think you need to escalate this. The only way you’d have been out of line would be if you let him hand out invitations during class time.
Ask for a meeting between the school administrator and this teacher. At the beginning of the meeting, apologize for losing your temper and your language, but then go on to politely explain what happened during the phone call, and ask the administrator if this is school policy? I’m guessing it’s not, and this teacher is way out of line with this request. The administration probably needs to know what she’s up to so she doesn’t keep doing it to other parents.
Chances are she’s got a history of crap like this based on her self-righteous attitude.” Alibeee64
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The points you made are correct that it’s none of her business, but you took it too far. There was a more mature way to handle this.
Saying something like ‘it seems like we’re not going to agree, but I’m not hosting 75 people’ and then just hanging up if she continues to argue.
Honestly, even if she was in the wrong too, you should probably apologize. Even if this teacher ‘needed to be taken down a peg’ (which is frankly an attitude that will get you in trouble), she’s still your kid’s teacher. Teachers talk.
Hopefully, she and other future teachers are mature and professional enough to not take it out on your kid, but if you get a reputation of being difficult to deal with, even if you’re in the right, it could harm your kid’s educational experience.” non_clever_username
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You declined her request, which was your right to do. Instead of accepting that, she argued with you. She had the opportunity to end the discussion politely, chose to keep pursuing it, and tried to force the issue. Some people won’t take no for an answer until you get more forceful with it. That’s on her.
That said, it’s fairly common for teachers to have this sort of rule in their classrooms. Invitations often cannot be passed out in class unless they’re going out to everyone.
If invitations are being passed out selectively, they should be sent outside of school hours to prevent arguments and hurt feelings. The teacher does have the authority to prevent students from passing out invitations or to set rules on how they’re being passed out, inside her own classroom.
This isn’t a new thing. I’m in my 40s and remember having to invite friends to my birthday parties after school because we couldn’t pass them out in class unless we were inviting everyone.
Like you, my mom had zero interest in having 50+ people in her house.” codefyre
Another User Comments:
“As someone who works in a school, there are two VERY important rules you must follow for ‘inviting friends from school to a birthday party’:
1: don’t pass out the invitations at school. Make contact with the parents and ask privately. (in the case where you didn’t know the family, the note going home saying ‘Hi I’m X’s parent and wanted to get in contact/arrange a playdate, here is my number’ is the appropriate way to make first contact.
Then you invite the kid to the party later, not in that first letter.)
2: no inviting everyone in the class minus 1 kid. Inviting a handful of kids in private is fine. Inviting the whole class is fine. Excluding just one kid while inviting everyone else is not okay.
THAT SAID, the way you talked to the teacher is absolutely inappropriate. This isn’t some random woman, this is your child’s teacher and you’re supposed to have a working relationship with her (and with the school in general).
You say you’re a union electrician, how long would you be in that union if you told your union rep ‘go screw yourself’? How long would you have clients if you told difficult clients ‘go screw yourself’? Yes, she was frustrating, but you need to handle teachers the same way you handle clients at work: with patience and clarity in your words.
The appropriate thing to do would have been to end the conversation there with an ‘It’s my home and I will do things as I see fit,’ and contact the principal to discuss matters further.
As things are now, you’ve soiled your reputation at the school and will likely be labeled as a ‘problem parent’. Since you gave her the chance to have the first word with the principal, now you’re going to have to fight uphill to prove you weren’t in the wrong here.
Everyone sucks here.” partofbreakfast
3. AITJ For Wanting To Be Paid For Everything I Do?
“A friend of mine took my daughter and me in five years ago, which was awesome! He himself has a son a couple of years older than my daughter. In the beginning, I paid him $500 a month in rent which included everything. A couple of years in they propositioned me to stop paying rent if I clean the house, do laundry, and so on. I happily agreed to this so I could save some funds and didn’t mind doing the work.
His son and my daughter go to the same school, he drops his son off and I drop my daughter off but I am supposed to pick them both up after school which I did not agree to nor do I get compensated for.
Fast forward to now and the whole dynamic of our agreement is gone and done when he decided to let his SO and son come spend the night all the time.
They expect me to now clean up after six people and do everyone’s laundry and be their built-in babysitter. I am not asked but expected to watch both of their children while they go in his bedroom or out or on a walk.
I feel like the only responsible person in the house because they want to act like teenagers and don’t really want their kids around.
I know I need to confront him about all of this but I feel like a jerk because he did take us in and help us out. On the other hand, I feel like I’m being used and taken advantage of by everyone involved!
I feel bad leaving the kids behind but their parents need to learn to depend on themselves and not me! I have my own kid to worry about.
So am I the jerk for wanting to be compensated for what I do or am I overreacting and being ungrateful for the free room?”
Another User Comments:
“So you’ve been saving money for a couple of years, right? You should have options in terms of moving out and finding another place to live.
If you prefer to try to make it work while staying there, you need to talk to your friend – ideally, while the kids and his SO aren’t around – and lay it all out how much extra uncompensated work you’re doing.
Be prepared for a practical discussion: you’ll do this amount, you won’t do this and this, you’ll do this only if he also includes a salary, that parents still need to be responsible for their children, you are expected to be off the clock except during x and y times, etc. NTJ.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go soft YTJ on this one.
You were literally homeless and your friend took you in. In the beginning, you paid $500 per month, which likely would not have bought you and your child a living space that included EVERYTHING. You eventually made a deal where you didn’t even pay that, accepting the responsibility of caring for the house, laundry, and such.
Next, you complain that you both drop your children off at school in the morning and you picked them both up in the afternoon.
You don’t think that’s fair and mention that you think the man allowing you to stay in his home for free should be compensating you for extras like picking up his son WHILE YOU’RE ALREADY THERE picking up your daughter. YTJ for this alone.
Now, he’s gotten himself a girl who also has a son. You’re STILL living there for free but instead of not doing a lot, you’re responsibilities have increased dramatically.
I can see how after years of doing X amount for free housing doing more might feel like you’re being taken advantage of.
What you really need to do is be honest with yourself. If you complain and he asks you to move, what’s that going to look like? Do you have funds saved or would you be right back in the homeless situation he found you in when he offered you a place to live five years ago?
Don’t assume you can just start throwing 500 dollars a month at him. Fair market value for the space you inhabit might have increased dramatically. In fact, the costs of housing have increased dramatically in the last five years, so moving out will now cost you more as well.
I’m not saying you have to accept whatever they want to happen but complaining when you can get thrown out AND have no way to care for yourself and your child would be rather short-sighted. Maybe all you really need to do is reframe this situation in your mind and ask yourself if this is really such a bad situation for you to be in.
Your responsibilities have changed but housing is now more expensive than ever so continuing to live there year after year with the same responsibilities would technically be unfair on your friend since the space is now more valuable.” theloveburts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You feel like you’re being taken advantage of because you are. Move out and find a place where you and your daughter can live like normal people.
It’s not healthy for her to grow up watching her parent act as a live-in servant. Consider that $500 a month is about $16 a day. How many hours per day do you spend babysitting? Now divide 16 by that and determine whether or not you think that’s a fair wage.” SomeoneYouDontKnow70
2. AITJ For Wanting To Go On An Expensive Vacation With My Partner?
“Finances have always been a thing between us. My (28M) family has their own business so financially we’ve always been more than fine. My partner (29f) on the other hand didn’t. And she’s not comfortable spending too much on anything. She wants us to be equal when it comes to splitting the bills.
The first time I bought her a bracelet from Harry Winston, she wanted to set a price limit for how much we spend on gifts.
Which I get but sometimes wish she’d let me spoil her every now and then. That’s what the plan was this time. This gift was meant for our 4-year anniversary. Got us tickets for a 3-day cruise in June so she could request those days off at her job in advance.
She had the opposite reaction because right away she wanted to know how much I spent.
And it’s not like I paid for a suite because I already knew she’d feel like it’s too much so I just went with the standard one. She still says that’s too expensive.
My partner told me again to stop wasting funds on expensive things like this. Every time I ask her what’s the big deal about wanting us to have a vacation together she just says ‘I don’t get it because I’m not in her position.’ And she just wanted me to follow her request to limit how much we spend on gifting each other.
She’s been moody with me ever since. I’m just lost. Yes, she doesn’t like it if it seems like I’m spending more on her that’s why in all the years we’ve been together the price amount is limited. But I thought just one time wouldn’t hurt. Now she’s acting as if I am this big jerk who ignored her wishes.
This wasn’t exactly how I’d hoped things would go, at the same time it’s hard to see what the big deal is about splurging a little for some fun. It’s not like we’re going on a month-long vacation at some luxury resort in Fiji. I’m lost here and would like thoughts from others about this. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your partner sounds like she’s struggling with financial anxiety and you didn’t really help her. You tried to do something nice but knowing her rule did it anyway. I get it and I don’t think it makes you a jerk but I think you need to talk to her that she is worth more than her financial contribution and that it’s okay to accept gifts from people, it’s just how some people show affection.
The girl probably feels like she has to work for everything she has which is respectable but also a double edge sword when it comes to gifts.” Least-usedTowel
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but getting this whole finances and budgeting thing sorted out in a more workable fashion needs to be a priority ASAP if you plan to marry this girl. I can understand her desire to make sure she’s financially stable, and that budgeting is done well.
However living as if you are hand to mouth when you’re not (ie not taking a nice vacation once a year or having a bigger celebration of important dates, or even purchasing that house with 1 extra bedroom beyond what you truly NEED because your budget can) will absolutely tear the relationship apart if you’re never allowed to take a more lavish trip with the woman you love because she thinks it’s too expensive, or whatever the expense might be that she’s deemed is TOO extravagant.” TheBearWillBeFine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you clearly have different life experiences, and that’s fine and normal. Where it stops being as fine is when she expects you to live your life based on her experiences. I understand she had a rough go financially and wants to save and pull her weight but a relationship is about compromise. She can’t expect that finances will 100% of the time be dictated by her life experiences/income.
Sometimes you should be able to splurge. I get her not wanting the expensive jewelry because that’s probably really uncomfortable for her but a trip like this, something fun for both of you to celebrate an important milestone, I think she needs to compromise on. She’s expecting you to change the way you approach your life and relationship but from this story at least there doesn’t seem to be a lot of return from her.
Ultimately I think you need to consider if this is something you can live with, it sounds like you love her and have a good relationship otherwise, but is living within the financial constraints she has placed on your relationship something you can live with forever? Because I don’t think she’s going to change without some therapy to address the way she is approaching finances.
Which she very well may not agree to because of the cost involved.
To be clear I’m not saying being poor is a mental illness or anything but there can be trauma attached to being truly poor that maybe she hasn’t faced; i.e. going hungry, without power or water or heat. There may be some really deep-rooted fears. You need to have a proper talk, address how being unable to ever spoil her makes you feel, and figure out if this is something that can be worked through for you both.” Barelyaberry
Another User Comments:
“How is she going to enjoy the things you buy when she’s uncomfortable with the amount being spent on her?
She’s not as free and easy with finances as you are and based on what you’ve said I think it makes her feel unequal in the relationship when you’re dropping cash that she can’t or doesn’t feel comfortable with.
I don’t think you’re taking it seriously that her discomfort is real and can’t just be waved away because you think it doesn’t matter.
You knew she wouldn’t be comfortable with the amount and you did it anyway without talking to her about it.
If you’d talked to her and said ‘Hey I really want to do this for both of us this one time,’ I’d say differently, but you didn’t and that’s what makes it jerkish.
You need to get more on the same page about finances because you can’t have a long-term future with such vastly different attitudes to spending.
That might mean her moving a little closer to your standards as well, but you need to talk and agree. Not just do it behind her back and expect it to be fine.
Soft YTJ.” Left-Car6520
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Easter Dinner Because Of My Sister-In-Law?
“At some point last year, my brother’s wife blocked both me and my wife on social media. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I am 100% certain that we were blocked, and that her profile is still active.
I haven’t had an active profile in years, but during the events of the past two years, I did make a post or two (no more than that) in support of beliefs that are contrary to those of most of my family. I won’t go into which side of the issues we are on because it doesn’t matter. The issues themselves are not what this is about.
I don’t particularly take issue with being blocked. I’ve blocked people too, but when I’ve done so, it’s to both keep me from seeing them and to keep them from seeing me. It’s a clean cut. I think it’s a drastic step, especially when you can just hide someone from your feed, unfriend them, etc. It’s not something I would consider doing to an immediate family member unless there was some really serious issue, or unless I was ready to take a principled stand.
So when I discovered we’d been blocked, it sent me a pretty clear message.
To complicate things a bit, my brother and his family live with my parents. They all bought a house together a few years back, so it’s not even just my parents’ place that they live ***** their house, too.
So when my dad texted me and invited us to Easter dinner, I declined, and I told him why.
I said that we don’t feel comfortable at their house because SIL blocked us on social media, and that ‘I feel like when someone does that they’re sending a pretty clear message that they want nothing to do with us, so we would like to respect that.’ I didn’t receive a reply, and I haven’t heard a word from anyone else in my family either.
I’m worried that my family sees me as the jerk because I’m letting something as silly as being blocked on social media keep us from coming to a family gathering, but I see this as something more than that. I also feel that if my parents’ house was a neutral location, then I wouldn’t feel the need to stay away.
What do you think? For the record, we are in our late 30s, USA.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Many of us adults have people we care about that we’ve blocked from our social media for a variety of reasons. Posting political or controversial stuff is a very, very common reason.
You have no inherent right to see your SIL’s posts and there is nothing wrong with her not wanting to see yours either. This should be a non-issue for grounded, mature adults.
Sorry, but you are way out in the left-field here. I’d expect this kind of behavior/logic from a high schooler. It’s just not that hard to go to a family function, smile, ask how people are, catch up, be polite, etc. even if you’re not friends with them on social media. Good gravy.” throwaway20698059
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, why not have a conversation with SIL and talk to her about the blocking and her reasoning for it if you care about having a cordial relationship with her so you can see your family and brother?
I think part of the problem is nobody likes to start or have uncomfortable conversations with people & she’s wrong for blocking you without having such a conversation with you. She can block you that’s her right but why not say something like ‘Hey OP I’m just gonna unfriend, block whatever bc I don’t like seeing your posts I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but it’s not something I enjoy.'” dwassell73
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I mean I get it, as stupid as it realistically is, I see your side of it. However, you shouldn’t hold that against your parents, regardless of them living in the same house, you were invited. Secondly, blocking someone to you is a ‘clear message’, that’s how you see it, but I know people who block people just because of whatever, they don’t see it as serious, but all that aside, you are definitely being a jerk to your parents.” ShannonS1976
