People Want Us To Express Our Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Euthanizing My Daughter's Emotional Support Animal?
“My daughter recently turned 20. She’s been dealing with major depressive disorder, social anxiety, anorexia, body dysmorphic disorder, and two autoimmune diseases since she was around 12.
I’m very involved in her treatment and obviously wanted her to get better, so when her therapist recommended getting her a dog to register as an ESA, we got her one for her 16th birthday, named Juniper. I generally dislike animals, but it was for my daughter’s sake, so I caved. Juni and my daughter grew close and I have seen a notable difference in her since we got the dog, especially in her sense of independence and self-esteem.
Four years later, my daughter is now a part-time tutor, volunteers with the elderly, and attends school full-time with excellent grades. I’m so proud of how far she’s come and though I realize she has a ways to go, Juni has helped her and I credit the dog for that immensely.
Here’s the problem. While my daughter was at school, Juni got out of the house and got hit by a car since we live right in front of a busy street. My wife and I rushed her to the vet and were told that Juni would need surgery, which would cost somewhere in the ballpark of $2,000.
I make a good salary, but I just cannot justify spending that much on a dog, especially when it may not even work and Juni would probably be crippled. Plus, she was pushing five years old, and her breed usually only lives for nine to ten years.
Due to all these reasons, I decided the humane and logical decision would be to euthanize Juni.
At this point, I called my daughter to let her know the situation and the solution I’d chosen, and she freaked out on me.
She tried telling me how she had $700 in savings and would quickly find a job to pay me back the rest, to which I declined because A) it’s not just about the money and B) I don’t want to risk ruining her mental health by her getting a job, especially since she’d likely have to quit one of her volunteer jobs which have helped her so much.
I explained this to her, but she wasn’t hearing the reason, so I put my foot down and said my decision was final because the dog was technically mine since I paid for it, then I hung up. We put Juni down surrounding her with love and gratitude.
When we got home, my daughter had just pulled in and was hysterical. I told her she was too old to be acting like this and one part of becoming a competent, independent adult was accepting what life throws at you.
Now she isn’t speaking to me. I’m beginning to think I should’ve at least told her where we were so she could say goodbye. On the other hand, Juni already served her purpose in helping my daughter and she only had the dog for four years, so I don’t understand the huge overreaction.
AITJ?
EDIT: Some people are asking the same questions so I’ll answer them here:
-I am not a sociopath. I am just excellent at separating emotion in preference to logic, especially in times of crisis. This does not mean I don’t feel anything.
I love my daughter more than anything in the world.
-My wife was 100% on my side for the actual decision of putting Juni down and agreed our daughter should not witness it. She did, however, disagree with the words and tone I used towards my daughter when we got home, which is where I began wondering if I was the jerk.
-I am not and have never been jealous of Juni. That’s ridiculous. She was an emotional crutch for my daughter and will always be special to me in that way. My daughter did not love me any less after getting the dog, if anything she loved me more.
LASTLY, I talked to my daughter today. It took her some time to let me in but once she did, I was able to explain my side, give her my reasonings for what I did, and convince her to forgive me.
She agreed, and we are all moving past this asap. I’m actually about to run out and get her favorite fast food for dinner and we’re having a family movie night. She is still acting distant and mopey but she has her regular therapist appointment tomorrow so I’m confident she can vent there and her therapist can help her get through this without any permanent damage.
Btw I also offered to get her another dog, which wasn’t easy for me, and she declined so I don’t think her bond with the dog and like for animals, in general, was as ‘unbreakable’ and ‘solid’ as all you commenters are claiming.
Juni just wasn’t meant to be around that long and I’m glad my daughter was able to have four years with a dog she liked. Now we’re moving on, the end.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ 100%. Pets in general become part of the family.
There have been many tests to prove that when people lose a pet it’s like losing a family member. I understand what you did you did it with good intentions. However, your daughter most likely knows how long Juni’s breed lives.
She was expecting another 5 years, minimum. That’s a school-aged child. You can’t justify spending 2000 dollars on an animal, but your daughter who was using this animal as a support system could. You then say that it’s not about the money when trying to justify your actions.
Which is it? Your daughter will probably forgive you. My father had to put my pupper down when I was young, and I have forgiven him.
However, she may not. You’ll have to live with this. You told your daughter her best friend was hurt and you were going to end it.
She started the grieving process, denial. Then bargaining. And now Anger. You may have also messed up all of the healing she has done due to removing the support she needed to do it. A house will not continue to stand just because the paint is dry if you remove a supporting beam.
I’m sorry to say it, and I’m sorry for everyone’s loss, but you were definitely the jerk in this situation. If not for what you did, which I believe you were, but for the way, you treated your grieving daughter.
She’s not too old to be sad. Grief isn’t a maturity thing.” brittycrocker
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not necessarily for choosing euthanasia depending on your overall financial situation and the likelihood of the surgery being successful, but the whole way you handled this was awful.
If you were unwilling to reconsider euthanizing the dog, you could easily have just told your daughter that Juniper was beyond help and had to be put down. Normally you shouldn’t lie to family, but it would have been kinder than making your kid regret not having more in savings.
You’re also a total jerk for expecting your daughter to just accept your reasoning rather than reacting emotionally when her pet is dying.
And finally, the attitude that your daughter ‘only’ kept and loved this pet for four years and that the dog had ‘served her purpose’ make you sound like a jerk more generally, and not just in this situation.
Your total lack of compassion and the way you snapped at your kid for her easily understandable outburst is going to be a bigger threat to your daughter’s mental health than that part-time job you didn’t want her to have.” karavasa
Another User Comments:
“Without a doubt YTJ.
When we agree to intertwine our lives with that of an animal we accept that we are their steward and that act as much as their caretaker as well as their advocate.
In this situation, the dog filled a vital purpose in the mental well-being of your daughter, which meant the dog was not just a companion but also a means of support.
You chose, and yes. I can see through your smokescreen on the condition of the dog, to put YOUR dislike of animals in general, your perception of a financial impact, and a general disdain for the worth and value of service animals ahead of the life of your daughter’s support animal, companion, and a source of happiness, not to mention her own mental well-being.
Since I don’t want to have this post removed by verbally attacking you, believe me when I say that there are very few things that I would hold in lower esteem than you on this planet.
Most veterinarians would have set up a payment plan, there is pet insurance, and even through the Service Dog support agencies, there are means and methods to ensure that funds are available to provide in emergencies for service dogs.
So first, it was NOT your decision to make, second had you done even one IOTA of research or asked for assistance, the financial impact would have been reduced. Instead of listening to the Vet, asking for advice from your daughter’s Psychologist/Psychiatrist, or even listening to the person that was most impacted…
you just did your own thing.
Standby while I notify the International Sphincter Society that they have a new mascot.” GuruDad
16. AITJ For Letting My Partner Give His Coworker A Ride Home?
“For starters, my partner and I met in high school. We’ve been together for two years now and have been doing long distance for the past two months as I moved cities for college.
My partner works at a fast food joint full time. I’m really happy for him as he jumped from not working at all into working full time, and they’re training him to be a manager which I’m super proud of him for.
One of his new responsibilities is training new staff. He works the closing shifts (usually 1 – 2 AM finish) and he has a car.
A couple of nights ago, my partner texted me on his break saying that he was training a new girl and she was being overly friendly.
I trust him enough not to think of her as a threat, so I told him to just stay professional with her and maybe slip the fact that he has a partner into the conversation. Later that night, he called me saying that the new girl he was training and another older woman from his work had asked him for rides home, so I said it was fine because again, I trust him.
Tonight, however, he messaged me again on his break. He had been joking around with the new girl about how her feet were sore and she kept complaining about it. She then said to him; ‘How about we make a bet.
I bet that I can stop complaining for the rest of the night. If you win, we can go out for dinner, anywhere you want.’ My partner simply said (according to him) ‘I don’t need a bet to know you’ll lose’ and walked off.
This already rubbed me the wrong way. His response to her just didn’t seem dismissive enough in my eyes. I felt like she really crossed a line – especially considering he’s her trainer and she knows he has a partner – and I feel like he could’ve shut her down a lot harder.
He then tells me that this girl is asking him for a ride home again. This time, it would just be the two of them. I immediately told him no, I wasn’t comfortable with that. It wasn’t like this girl was going to be walking for ages in the dark, she lives about two blocks away.
I told him I was in no way comfortable with him driving her home considering she crossed a line with the dinner comment. I’m also worried that if he folds and gives her a ride, she will expect one every night.
He argued that it would make him seem like a jerk in the eyes of his co-workers and that it would be a one-minute drive, and that if anything happened it would be on him. I simply told him that I would never be okay with him driving her home and that it was out of the question.
He agreed but now he’s mad at me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I’m torn, though. I agree with, ‘You either trust him or you don’t.’ If he’s a liar, he’s going to lie. And I agree that telling your partner they cannot do something is bad business all around.
However, my turmoil is this: an overtly flirty co-worker who asks out someone they know has a partner is no longer entitled to gratuitous perks. For me, I’d see it as disregarding my boundaries (if I were him) and that person is not someone I’m going out of my way to help (personally.) My partner and our relationship are important to me, and honestly, I’m not about to dump on my partner’s feelings to preserve this co-worker’s.
If the co-worker accepted the ‘I’m in a relationship,’ absolutely I’ll help them out. But once you know that and STILL make a pass… you can literally kick rocks on your walk home.” Xtrasloppy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and quite frankly a disgusting human, this poor young girl needs a ride home in the dark at 2 am and you expect her to walk home by herself where god knows what could happen to her.
Your partner should dump you because you scream red flags all over. Hopefully, he dumps you and finds a girl that has respect for him, as well as her fellow females.
Maybe the new girl might be a better partner because you sure are doing a crap job so far.” HarleyT5
Another User Comments:
“Worst case scenario: he gives her a lift home and in the one-minute journey, she makes a pass at him. Do you trust him to turn her down?
It shouldn’t matter what she says/does only what he says/does in response.
He still has to work with her so I understand him needing to be cordial.
No jerks here. You have every right to feel uncomfortable but long-distance relationships only work if you have trust on both sides. He’s done nothing wrong.” Substantial-Fox-4905
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, it’s not his job to be giving coworkers a ride home. She needs to get her own ride. How is she expecting to keep working after all? Second, she’s clearly flirting with him and that’s not appropriate behavior from her either.
Third, you were clear where your limits are with your partner. Trust is a great thing, but common sense and gut feeling can’t be ignored either. He most likely won’t be lying to you, but the situation with rides and suggested dinner dates is very inappropriate indeed, therefore I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Another big issue here is that he’s a supervisor and she’s a lower-level employee, therefore this is not a good thing to be overly friendly outside of work. This ‘friendship’ may be creating a big legal risk for him especially if she claims he did something inappropriate on the ride home with her.” Tigerlaf
15. AITJ For Not Saying Anything About My Wife's Garment?
“My 20-year-old daughter and her fiancé are currently staying with us. I love my daughter but she is very difficult and I can’t stand her fiancé. I gave them a deadline to move out because I can’t take this anymore.
They got into a massive fight the other day while my wife was out. I guess a pair of my wife’s undergarments got in with their laundry and she thought he was having an affair. I think the fact she immediately jumped to infidelity shows how bad their relationship is.
She was waving the garment around and I recognized them because they had a floral print but I just let this ridiculous fight go on. My wife came home after about thirty minutes and said they were hers. My wife asked if I didn’t realize they were hers and I accidentally laughed.
My daughter burst into tears and won’t talk to me. Her fiancé said we’re messed up and left the house but my wife thought it was funny. AITJ.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t know what ‘difficult’ means, so if there were more info on what exactly your daughter’s done that is so awful maybe that can change.
But I’m saying YTJ because you just sat back and let your daughter believe that someone she loves enough to marry had deeply hurt and betrayed her. You sat there and laughed quietly to yourself and enjoyed her pain. Again, I will acknowledge that maybe this is an ‘everyone sucks here’ situation, but you should seriously examine why hurting your daughter is funny to you.
Is that amusement worth the damage to your relationship with your daughter? Do you think the potential long-term consequences are worth it, or should you maybe get over it and reach out with a sincere attempt at talking out your problems like adults?
She went from thinking her fiance had betrayed her to know her father would let her believe in a lie like that because he thought her suffering was funny. Funny does not mean you didn’t do something hurtful, and she is 100% justified in being unwilling to speak with you over this.” E_J_Brillig
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If I found a strange woman’s garments with my partner’s things, I’d be devastated and angry and most likely assume the worst. That doesn’t mean we have a bad relationship or that there’s not an open line of communication — it’s just a pretty obvious conclusion to draw, and this is usually how liars are caught (it’s the equivalent of finding a bra in your partner’s car).
Maybe she forgot she was living with another woman in the house, but at that moment she was emotionally vulnerable. You let your daughter cry, scream and sob for the better part of THIRTY minutes (that’s HALF AN HOUR) and when your wife came home and revealed the truth, you LAUGHED.
Your daughter was crying from a broken heart and you LAUGHED. You showed no empathy for your daughter or her heart. I get that you don’t like her fiancé and that she’s been irritating you by staying with you, but that is one of the most cold-hearted things I’ve ever heard.
You are definitely the jerk. Her father let her believe the man she loved and planned to marry was lying to her, and you laughed when you were caught. Would you have ever told her if they had broken up, or did you plan to keep it to yourself for all eternity if your wife didn’t show up?
This was not a ‘prank.’ Pranks don’t hurt people’s feelings. I can’t even begin to imagine how betrayed your daughter feels right now.” Cate_7777
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say YTJ here but like why don’t you like the guy?
Obviously, your child sees something in there, and maybe you should look at that. And maybe their issues are coming from stress-related things? We know stress can make people think irrationally and with you putting a deadline on their heads maybe they were both feeling the heat.
What you really should have done was admit it was your wife’s garment but try and have a conversation if not with both at least your daughter to figure out if there’s anything she needs to get off her chest or just layout.
A lot of people, especially younger ones, don’t feel safe reaching out and talking to anybody about hardships, and maybe something was going on that you could’ve helped her through. A child no matter how old should be able to love and appreciate and trust their parents but it turns back on you, and you need to have the same respect back to them.
You need to be mindful of them, and I don’t care if you’re one of those growing up tough love kind of people because I grew up like that and my parents still gave me the best form of respect any parent should give their children as in they helped and were there when I was going through troubles.
Because of this I still find excuses to come over to my parents to visit them because I love being around my folks.
Frankly, you should be disappointed in yourself for all of this. Your daughter is going to be crushed and you could’ve stopped all of it.
You’ve now broken a piece of her trust, along with your wife.” pighartboy
14. AITJ For Eating Too Many Cucumbers?
“For as long as I can remember I’ve had this ‘quirk’ I guess you could call that I never snack on anything other than cucumber.
I shouldn’t say never technically since socially I’ll get ice cream or eat a few chips at a party, I’m not a picky eater by any means but my snack of choice has always been cucumbers. I eat pretty healthily anyway so a lot of fruits and veggies are a part of my diet.
Since veggies are lower in calories, I have to eat a lot of them to eat enough, so I’ll usually have some sliced cucumber in my purse that I munch on throughout the day and I’ll always have a cucumber in my car that I just eat whole when I’m driving.
I go through several cucumbers daily. Although it’s not healthy, I’ve had days where I’ve felt really depressed and overwhelmed and have binge eaten nothing but a cucumber. I think I’ve eaten perhaps 35 on very extreme days.
Recently this ‘quirk’ has begun to drive my (22f) partner (33m) of 6 months insane (his words not mine). He says it’s highly inappropriate to carry them everywhere with me. We spent last weekend at his parent’s lake house and I provided my own cucumber to snack on.
One night, before bed, I was in my room gnawing on a cucumber like a savage when his mother walked in. Under normal circumstances, I never would eat that around others, I’d slice it up. She was puzzled, but chucked and said ‘my you do like cucumber.’ My partner later told me that I humiliated him with my childish and immature eating habits.
I told him that his mom caught me in a low moment, he was being ridiculous, since he eats a bag of chips every day and I don’t bat an eye. He told me that chips were a normal snack and whole cucumbers were deranged. He told me I needed to stop eating cucumbers and that my behavior was becoming a deal-breaker for him.
I feel really bothered, but I think cucumbers are a weird hill to die and I don’t want to lose my relationship. So AITJ?
Edit: I’d just like to add that my partner has never expressed any issue with my cucumber habits before now.
The incident in question was because around 8 PM I was getting really hungry and I don’t know his family super well so I didn’t want to go rummaging/ask for a snack and I didn’t want to bother them by asking for a cutting board or something to cut up my cucumber because of well, mild social anxiety.
So I shut myself in the guest room and figured I’d just snack on a cucumber quick. I don’t usually go hide and eat cucumbers haha. But then his mom walked in looking for my partner presumably and was a little surprised but seemed amused and not upset or anything.
I honestly didn’t think it’d turn into such a big deal for him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But let’s take your partner out of the equation for a minute.
It sounds like you are snacking constantly and that you’re sort of dependent on cucumbers.
Like, you’re a chain smoker but with cucumbers. Because cucumbers are healthy foods, it may seem like a healthy or harmless habit. But habits in and of themselves can become unhealthy and harmful, and other people’s habits can be annoying when taken to an extreme.
So your partner’s reaction to your cucumber habit may be less about the cucumber and more about the habit and the intensity of your attachment to cucumbers. He’s not expressing his concerns or frustrations in a good way but again, let’s forget about him for a minute and come back to you.
You admitted that you sometimes binge-eat cucumbers and you also describe a daily routine where cucumbers are a constant presence. Replace ‘cucumber’ with something unhealthy and suddenly the same behaviors seem a little different–imagine smoking up to 3 packs a day, or always carrying Snickers bars wherever you go.
That’s a lot of focus on and consumption of smokes and Snickers bars, you know? Aside from the fact that cucumbers are ‘healthy,’ the focus on and consumption of them is maybe not so healthy.
So I can see how your cucumber ‘quirk’ could become a source of irritation and tension with your man.
I would honestly find it super annoying to spend lots of time around someone who always, always had to have one particular item with them that they seem really focused on and constantly consuming. It would get old quickly. This doesn’t make you the jerk or excuse your partner’s poor reaction, but this experience may give you a reason to step back and look at your habit through a different lens.” franknelsonyes
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here — Your partner is right that this behavior sounds extreme. 35 cucumbers in a day also sounds almost unbelievable. Especially if it’s the normal-sized ones I’m thinking of. Snacking on whole cucumbers is bound to be awkward when you don’t slice them so I can’t blame his mom for being a little unsettled by the sight, nor your partner for being somewhat exasperated by it.
It sounds almost like cucumbers have become a sort of coping mechanism for you and could there be some compulsive behavior involved? Obviously, your partner shouldn’t dictate whether you eat cucumbers or not, but might he just be worried about something that seems off to him?
Do you eat normally outside your cucumber diet?” giovannisguillotine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Eating cucumbers is fine in and of itself, and the problem your partner had was that it was embarrassing for you to be spotted eating a whole one.
That is not something to be embarrassed over. Cucumbers are edible raw. That’s kinda their thing. I like to cut them in half lengthwise and sprinkle salt on them.
But, I do think it would be wise for you to consider your diet a little more closely.
Eating cucumbers do not make you the jerk, but it might cause you some health problems if you continue to do it in these kinds of volumes. I can’t imagine that you’re eating many other fruits or vegetables, let alone much else if you are always full to the brim of cucumber.
This does not make you bad, nor does it make cucumbers bad.
But it might be worth thinking about trying to balance your diet a little. I’d hate for you to get nutrient deficiencies or something.
I also wondered about pica when I read your post. Cucumbers are not the typical fixation for pica, but the pattern of eating could otherwise fit.
If you’re at all concerned about your diet or the way you feel about eating cucumber, I’d encourage you to go to your GP to talk about it. You are absolutely 100% not crazy or deranged no matter what your partner says, but it’s usually best to cut right through the chorus and go to the medical professionals if you want medical advice.” diagnosedwolf
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here — I’m gonna speculate it’s probably a combination of this sounds like disordered eating, a slow loss of insanity hearing the crunching sound (the dumbest stuff will drive you insane if you’re constantly exposed to it outside of your control, and yeah—you say yourself you know on whole cucumbers ‘like a savage,’ and yes, that’s probably embarrassing.
Also, you shouldn’t eat while driving. That is distracted driving, and I can’t imagine having one hand off the wheel holding a whole cucumber has never posed a problem. Stop doing that—you need to respect the responsibility you assume controlling a vehicle and take the safety of everyone on the road seriously.” miladyelle
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Cat To Be An Outdoor Cat?
“A little while ago my partner (22f) and I (25f) have decided to adopt a kitten from a shelter. The kitten was about 3 months old when we got him and has been a complete joy to have since then.
We named him Oliver and he quickly grew to love us. Oliver is currently 8 months old and my partner has brought up that she wanted him to start getting accustomed to being outside. I gave her a weird look and told her there’s no need to do that he’s perfectly fine being inside and has shown no interest in going outside.
I hated the idea of our cat being outdoors because I’ve heard so many stories of people’s cats being stolen or getting run over and I honestly don’t want to be paranoid the whole time my cat is outside.
She said that’s selfish since cats are meant to be outside and we would be terrible owners if we deprive Oliver of enjoying the outside world. I told her that I’m sorry but I will not be allowing that to happen and if she lets him go outside I will not forgive her.
She called me selfish yet again but let the topic go but this has me wondering am I the jerk for not letting him go outside? Am I just being paranoid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The risk of getting run over from vehicle traffic is a legitimate safety issue.
Outdoor cats can also pick up parasites and serious viral infections. Male outdoor cats that are neutered get beaten up by other cats, and non-neutered males are apt to come home with abscessed wounds from fights.
There are certain cultures where keeping outdoor cats is normalized (is your partner from the UK?) but other places where indoor cats are the norm (much of the US).
The latter has something to do with protecting endangered and threatened native species, and has a lot to do with protecting cats from coyotes.
There’s nothing irrational or selfish about your priorities. In terms of the relationship, this would have been better to have discussed before adopting Oliver.
Try reframing the conversation around how much your partner is willing to spend toward getting Oliver the complete set of outdoor immunizations, and how much she’s willing to set aside toward deworming and other predictable healthcare costs that indoor cats don’t incur.” doublestitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if he hasn’t expressed wanting to go outside, I think it’s fine. There are cats that prefer indoors to outdoors and being an outdoor cat requires you to give him all his shots, he’ll need proper baths in case he brings in pests like fleas (which would be tough if he doesn’t like baths too), he’ll need to wear a collar with proper information on it all the time just in case he goes too far, you’ll need to make sure to have fencing depending on where you live so he doesn’t start roaming the city if you live there.
If she wants him to have a taste outside, and he starts wanting to go outside, I’d suggest making/having someone make a catio. Get some mesh and boards and build a little space right outside that he can sit in and enjoy nature while being safe.
I’ve seen people make cool ones, I’m sure you could look it up and get some ideas if you need to.
Also, he is a shelter cat, there’s a high chance he has certain needs or behaviors that would prevent him from being outside.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Outdoor cats have shorter lives on average than indoor cats. An outdoor cat has an average life span of five years. An indoor/outdoor cat has an average life span of ten years, and an indoor-only cat has an average lifespan of 15+ years.
Whatever your opinion, it doesn’t matter. Those are the numbers. They don’t lie.
Outdoors, cats are exposed to predators (I was caring for an outdoor cat who was killed by a dog in front of me, and that’s not even the worst story I could tell).
Coyotes and owls eat cats. Raccoons fight with them over territory. Other cats fight with them for the same. Being outdoors exposes them to FIV, which is like HIV for cats, as well as feline leukemia and distemper. Not to mention fleas and ticks.
And cars. And other people. You can’t protect them outdoors.
Do cats belong outside? Do they really? Because unless you’re in Africa, they’re not native. They’re invasive. They’re responsible for the destruction of native wildlife. There are bird species in the US on the brink of extinction because of outdoor cats.
They’re one of the only predators that hunt for fun, not because they need to eat.
If your partner (wrongly) insists on the cat going outside, build a catio. Care that much about your cat or don’t have a cat.
Because just letting them wander the neighborhood is a great deal for them. It’s a great deal for your neighbors as well. I can’t even have a bird feeder because of my neighbor’s cat. Who also dumps in my garden beds.
And? In the US at least? I am well within my legal right to get rid of the jerk. I never would. I rescue cats, I don’t hurt them. But I could and, legally speaking, you’d be in the wrong for letting it pass onto my property.
How well do you trust your neighbors?
I volunteer with cat rescue, and I am done with excuses for why it’s okay to let your cat roam around outdoors. I’ve seen the worst of the worst, and there’s no reason for it.
Build a catio or keep the cat indoors. Your partner doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” ThatSituation
12. AITJ For Keeping All The Money From Our Baby Shower?
Edit: Let me add some info here. I don’t see it as stealing from my baby since I don’t by any means plan to spend ALL of this moolah on myself.
I’m most likely going to be the one paying for everything the baby needs and also am going to be helping my wife with her medical bills. My wife has funds saved since her maternity leave is unpaid so it’s not like I’m just leaving her high and dry.
She has money and I don’t expect her to use it on baby things. I thought I would get more of a return from taxes so I did think I’d be able to afford it. Baby boy will get what he needs one way or another but thank you for all your perspectives.
It opened my eyes.
Edit 2:
We got a LOT of stuff for our shower. We have most of the essentials and all the big expensive things. The fact we had so many people is why we got so much stuff.
We had about 110 people and definitely got more than what I spent for the venue. It paid off. A lot of these comments are assuming we only got money and that’s not true at all. Also, the shower was beautiful and my wife had a good time so it paid off in that way too.
She’s just mad now that I’m keeping the little amount we got but if we had a smaller shower we wouldn’t have gotten all the items we did.
Final edit:
These responses gave me a lot to think about. I made a rash and impulsive decision because I wanted everyone to see that I could provide for my family, and all I did was prove to myself and my wife that I have a lot of learning to do.
My decision to have a lavish shower was based on insecurity more than anything and I was wrong about that. My wife did eventually agree to have the bigger shower because she wanted me to have a say since this is my baby too but asked if I was sure I could cover the cost multiple times.
I said yes. Repeatedly I reassured her that I could do this.
I truly did assume that money given at baby showers was to pay for the shower (like how ppl pay for their plates at a wedding), or for whatever we as a couple needed. I didn’t even think about the fact that the funds are for the baby and didn’t consider putting them in savings for him but I like that idea.
I have never been to a baby shower so I didn’t know any better.”
Another User Comments:
“Of course YTJ.
You don’t throw your own shower. Tacky!
The shower is about celebrating the baby, not making people feel special or inviting all your buddies.
You are obviously on a lower income scale if $2500 left you penniless… so WHY would you throw yourself a party you absolutely CANNOT AFFORD! What was your plan if you didn’t get cash… sell all the onesies on eBay to cover until your next paycheck?
That money absolutely is not for you. NOT ONE PENNY! It was given to you with the intention that your child benefits either in things needed to raise the child or in savings given to the child. You need to come up with every last dime to toss into a savings account for your kid… an account that you don’t have access to.
DO NOT have parties if you don’t have the discretionary income to pay for them. Period.
Why did you feel the need to impress people with a venue and party? The party you supposedly held didn’t even benefit your child or even have your child in attendance.
It literally had nothing to do with your child if you think about it. This is really shady… like the GoFundMe’sthat are made under the guise of a disease, but in reality, the family goes on vacation with the funds.
This screams of self-validation and entitlement. This is shameful.” QuirkySyrup55947
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I am under the impression that you thought that a baby shower is somehow the equivalent of a wedding and that you would be getting some sort of windfall to help pay for it.
Your wife wanted a smaller one.
You didn’t need a fancy venue (a rental on a community center or a VFW hall would have been cheaper, a friend/family member’s backyard would have been free)
You wanted co-ed so your friends/family could attend – I don’t believe you have no women in your family (who would have been invited to a standard baby shower), I think you wanted your buddies there, so the party was more about you.
The monetary gifts are earmarked to help with BABY expenses, not party expenses.
If you are this bad at budgeting for a party (which you clearly could not afford), just wait till the baby comes, there are so many things you have no clue that may cost you.
I suggest handing that money back to your wife, have her give you what you need to get to/from work, and pack yourself a lunch.” HCIBSW
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I can’t believe you dropped 2500 on a shower venue without talking to your wife about it.
And you’re talking about food and gas needs? Our household makes well into 6 figures and I cannot be spending that amount on a venue for a party like that.
Showers are supposed to be thrown by friends, aunts, cousins, etc. anyway.
It should be for the nearest and dearest and not a huge gift-grab bash. Nothing wrong with co-ed events but you need to plan accordingly. Lots of ways to have a simple event at home or a park on the cheap.
To me, this sounds like YOU wanted an excuse to have a big party. You don’t sound ready to parent if your account is depleted. Do you have a 3-6 months savings backup? You need to get yourself into some sort of finance course, you sound like an impulsive 12-year-old.
This is a train wreck waiting to happen and this is just the first stop.” KickIt77
11. AITJ For Keeping My Grandmother's House?
“Recently my grandmother passed away and left me her house in the will. My grandparents had 4 children, one of which is my mother.
They’ve all stated that they don’t think I should have the house because I’m too young (I’m 24) and should delegate it to my uncle who will sell it and divide the amount among the 4 children.
They’ve also said it should’ve been left for them to decide anyway as it was their family home when they were kids.
It would be my way on the property ladder in a time when I don’t ever see myself getting to own my own home in any other way.
I don’t want to alienate any of my family members and I haven’t even bothered to get my cousin’s opinions but it really would help me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But there is a saying, a fool and his money are soon parted. The idea that you would think of seeking advice from even MORE people who want to take your moolah (your cousins) suggests that you may well be a fool.
I think it is inevitable that you will do what they want and just sign over what amounts to your entire net worth. You don’t seem strong enough to resist, and you don’t seem strong enough to deal with the consequences of keeping what is rightfully yours.
On the bright side, we’ll be here for you in five years when you post about being homeless and no family members will help you.” VlaxDrek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She had her reasons for leaving it to you.
I’m sure you have a hunch about why she decided that, but you left it out of your write-up. Regardless, you have every right to keep the house she intentionally left to you and you shouldn’t just hand it to your uncle so he can sell it and give the proceeds to people who are not you.
At a minimum, you need to see a lawyer to see what the tax implications would be. It’s not so cut and dry.
You have every right to follow your grandmother’s wishes and keep the house entirely. However, your family already sounds like a bunch of angry vultures, so that decision will likely change your relationships with them.
It would be worth considering that relationships that only stay good because you gave away a whole house to preserve them probably aren’t the strongest relationships anyway.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is their childhood home doesn’t matter if they just want to sell it.
There could be an emotional (not an ethical) argument for if they were going to preserve it and one of them was really attached to the family home, perhaps if they had no other home, that there could be a deal made with that person.
But just because they all want a piece of the sale of the property has nothing to do with what your grandma wanted, which is clearly stated in the will.
Keep the house. And if you sell it, don’t give anyone money- they will just all feel entitled to get ‘their share.’ Shut down that nonsense.
You probably need a lawyer to consult about this, and then also a way to practice setting boundaries. ‘I’m going to be keeping the house.’ ‘Thank you for your opinion, but I’m following the will.’ ‘Uncle, that’s an interesting plan, but unfortunately,y the house isn’t yours to sell.’ ‘This is what Grandma willed, and it really helps me get a start in life.
Thanks for understanding.’ ‘I know that was your childhood bedroom, but I’m going to update the house so it suits me and what I need now. Let me know if you’d like a last look before I clear it out and paint.’ ‘Are there any specific sentimental items in the house that we should talk about sharing with the family, let’s make a point to do that this holiday season so nothing important gets thrown away accidentally?’ ‘I miss Grandma too.
It’s hard that she’s gone and the house isn’t the same without her.’ Just give ways to keep being compassionate without giving up your inheritance. Find small ways to build goodwill and let people grieve the loss of the house so that there’s a clean start for you.” imtchogirl
10. AITJ For Telling My Parents I'm Not My Siblings' Mom?
“I 16 (F) am the oldest of 4 kids. As the older sister, a lot of responsibility is placed on me.
2 of my siblings 13 (F) and 9 (M) are old enough to care for themselves. However, my parents had a baby (F) in 2019 and she is now 3. Since the day she was born, it has been my responsibility to watch her. Which I have no problem with, but sometimes it gets tiresome.
Don’t get me wrong, I love all my siblings and I try to do my best for them but I’m so tired. When it comes to my 3-year-old sister, I’m expected to bathe, feed, and help her get potty trained. But bear in mind when I get off school, I have to go to work 3 days a week and then come home and take care of my sister which barely gives me any time for myself.
I have complained to my parents multiple times I am tired of watching their child but it’s always, ‘When I was your age I was watching my little siblings.’
No matter what I do it’s always ‘You’re the oldest you should be able to handle it.
Be the role model.’
Fine. However a few weeks back it was a Sunday night around 9 pm and I was in my bedroom doing my hair when my parents called me into the kitchen. They asked me to get my 3-year-old sister and watch her so they could watch tv because she was being too loud playing with her toys.
I told them I could not because it was getting pretty late and I had to finish my hair for school tomorrow.
My mother snapped at me and told me that I need to get my sister so they could have peace.
(My dad is a truck driver and my mother works at an Insurance agency but she works from home so I get it they can be tired after a long day. But this day my father had gotten off work early, around 2 pm, and my mother logged off at 5:30 pm.
But I also have other siblings that are capable of watching her too so why me?)
I then told her that my sister is not my responsibility and that I was not the one who conceived her and gave birth.
My father then joined the argument and took my mom’s side saying that I was a lazy jerk that should be helpful because my parents get tired of working 24/7 and need a break.
I was so heated that I told my parents again I am not my sibling’s mom and I refuse to watch my sister.
I then proceeded to walk away and shut my door and continued getting ready.
The next morning, my mom and dad were saying I’m a jerk for not helping my parents out when they are so tired and need to relax.
I told my friends what happened when I got to school and they said that I wasn’t in the wrong but I can’t help but feel guilty for what I did.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is called ‘parentification’, where you’re doing the job of a parent. In a regular house, it is normal for the eldest to babysit a little, but it shouldn’t get to the point of being constant and overwhelming. If it was your job to watch the 3-year-old every day while the parents cook… Yea, that’s normal. If you often had to cook for the others because your parents work later into the evening, that is fairly normal. If your parents had planned ahead with you, ‘can you watch her for a few hours Tuesday, so we can have some peace alone?’ That’s normal.
It’s not normal to be the constant caretaker of everyone, especially when it’s disruptive to your life. If it’s messing with your sleep, ability to do homework, and the things teens do. There needs to be some measure of balance in how much you’re helping out.
It sounds like things are tipped too far to the ‘you’re the mom’ side of things.
This point in your life is meant to be about you, your education, the stuff you do after school, plans for college and being social. In many aspects, it should be one of the least-stressful periods of your life.
A period with fewer worries. After high school, life gets a lot trickier, so these years should be all yours.
Try not to get resentful to your little sister. She is the focal point of the stress, that you’re having to care for her so much.
That can make people put feelings on someone that they don’t deserve. She’s a victim in this as much as everyone else.
You might want to get your 13-year-old sister ready/aware of the ‘responsibility’ coming if/when you leave home.
Assuming you go to college or get a job and move out in 2 years, your sister will be responsible in the same ways you are. It may be important to try and nip this in the bud now. I am not sure what the correct solution would be.
In extreme cases (parents never home, one kid left to run an entire house), CPS steps in, though it doesn’t sound like your house is to that extreme. I hope not, anyway.” ArchyDWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they are abusing you by a way called parentification there are different types such as basic parentification, instrumental and emotional.
Instrumental parentification happens when parents assign their child responsibilities that aren’t age-appropriate.
This could mean tasks like weekly grocery shopping, paying bills, cooking meals for the family, or taking care of a sick sibling.
However, keep in mind that having your 10-year-old kid wash the breakfast dishes doesn’t mean that you’re engaging in instrumental parentification — you’re building their belief in their own abilities in an age-appropriate (and helpful!) way.
Emotional parentification happens when a child moves in to fulfill the specific emotional needs of the parent. The child is expected to figure out the emotional needs of the parent, respond to the need, and provide support.
Think of a child who cries because their parent forgot their birthday.
Instead of trying to comfort the child, the parent rants about the stress in their life that doesn’t give them room to think. The child responds by stifling their pain and trying to support their parent.
Emotional parentification often comes along with instrumental parentification.
It can be more destructive for a child’s development than instrumental parentification.” Any_Worth_9325
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. You are absolutely correct, they are not your kids, you are NOT responsible for them. They’re not asking you to occasionally babysit so they can go to dinner.
They’re expecting you to be that child’s substitute parent. That’s not fair to you or that child. They may not see it this way but, as a student, you have a full-time job too. Far too many parents don’t seem to understand that school can be just as tiring and stressful as a full-time job.
Including travel time, depending on how far they have to go for school (ex, I went to a magnet school, I took a bus and 2 trains to get to school, about an hr and a half each way) that can make their day anywhere from 8 to 10 hr days just dealing with school, then there’s homework most days.
Many students, especially high school, spend MORE time dealing with school and schoolwork than their parents do dealing with work. Many teens also have jobs on top of that! But they’re somehow still expected to pick up the parent’s slack or parent their younger siblings.
Your parents need to step up.” EmotionalAttention63
9. AITJ For Uncontrollably Laughing At My Grandpa Who Had Cancer?
“I’m quite close to my grandfather, but when told about his cancer, I wasn’t really emotional. You see, I’ve always had this belief that death is a natural occurrence so what’s the point of being sad or grieving.
That being said, whenever I hear bad news or am quite stressed, for some reason I either get really quiet or uncontrollably laugh, to the point where I nearly can’t breathe. When my family had gathered around and my aunts and mother were having a serious discussion about my grandfather and his last wishes, I started bursting out with laughter like I’d never done before.
Looking around, everyone had quite serious and disappointed/shocked faces. My aunt and cousins started confronting me, asking ‘what’s wrong with you?’, even my grandmother said, ‘are you psychotic?’ I’m quite scared when we have the funeral/cremation (since he’s Hindu), I will start laughing my head off, and my family will kick me out.
Am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that it is a reaction, but it is incredibly insulting for the person that gets to suffer and pass away. Losing to cancer is not quick (even at its fastest) and definitely not pretty or painless.
Been through it with four people. Get your reaction under control. I feel for your grandfather and grandmother. I’d be appalled. It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are. How would you feel if you just lost both legs and everyone started laughing at you?
If you can’t maintain an appropriate demeanor, don’t go.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, with a few major stipulations. Firstly, it is messed up to laugh at people’s plights. Secondly though, and far more importantly, you might actually have a disorder that causes that, specifically because it’s uncontrollable.
If you found it funny that would be a different story.
Edit: My partner does this sometimes too. Hers is an anxiety disorder.” GERBILPANDA
Another User Comments:
“YTJ unfortunately. Even though it’s accidental, you need to learn to control this.
You’re going to have so many issues in your life and offend so many people if you can’t get this figured out. Maybe a therapist can come up with some coping techniques, or remove yourself from the room immediately.
I’m sure you’re not the only one with this problem and there is help out there.” emmacalgary
8. AITJ For Being Unladylike And Farting In Front Of My Husband?
“My husband is convinced I’ve done something wrong, so I just want to make sure I’m not overlooking something. My husband (38M) and I (34F) have been married for 5 years. We’ve had a really successful marriage with few hiccups or significant arguments, but yesterday I was watching TV with him while I was resting my head on his lap when I f****d- he asked, ‘Did you just fart…?’ I answered yes and he then said ‘Don’t do that in front of me.
It’s nasty and unladylike.’ I could sort of understand the nasty bit, but it was unladylike…?? In a grumpy mood, he got up from the couch and went into our bedroom by himself. I attempted to speak with him and ask him to express why he was so unhappy, but all he said was that I needed to ‘learn some respect and act like a real lady around my husband.’ I’m still confused by what happened, so I’m writing this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate the term act ‘ladylike’ like there is a specific role or behavior that will make you less. It was unladylike for women to wear pants in the past, or work in certain fields, or express their views; those views were ridiculous and so is this.
Your husband doesn’t get to dictate ‘lady-like’ behaviors to you; he’s not above you. What a gross overreaction and an insulting attitude on his part.” Additional_Suspect93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What’s the point of marriage if you can’t fart in front of each other?
I’m kidding, but also not. You’re supposed to be comfortable in your own house and he’s spouting off outdated crap. People fart. We expel gas throughout the day. If you don’t, there is something wrong.” blking
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re married. I feel like that’s just stuff you do around your partner.
Your not in the early relationship stage. Plus it’s normal. Your husband sounds like one of those people who think women should always be put together for him because that’s what ladies do.” Accomplished-Key-345
7. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Nieces When Had A Job Interview?
“I (25F) always wanted to be a chef it has always been my dream ever since I was a little kid. My sister (29F) asked me to take care of my nieces and ofc I said yes cause they are my nieces I love them.
But I didn’t know when my job interview would be scheduled so I didn’t think much of it until I got an email saying (Hi we would like for you to come and have a job interview for your new job at (…) your interview is on Jan, 17 on a Saturday.
Oh God, I said to myself that was the same day I had to babysit my nieces. I was scared cause that was tmr, and the exact time I had to pick my nieces up I was scared so I called my sister I knew she would be mad but I can handle her I think.
I called her saying I have to cancel for a reason she said what reason?! I said for my job interview I was talking about. She was oh so your job interview is more important than your own family!?!
I was like no ofc not it’s that I wanted this job for so long and I practiced for so long and I can’t give up now she was furious she called me a stuck up and a jerk that I was thinking about myself than my own family she hung up on me after that.
Later my mom called she yelled at me saying I was a jerk for not taking care of my nieces I was like what!! I was like no I wanted this job for a while yk that mom was like no I never knew you never talked about some job interview!!
She hung up on me and texted me saying cancel your job interview!! I said no!!
Now came my job interview I was luckily up for it after my interview my sister texted me saying that she’ll never let me see her children ever again after that !!
So AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sure looking after your nieces was pre-arranged. But occasionally things come up and have to change.
My SO’s godfather was due to have her for the day and had a job interview so had to cancel.
I was happy for him because I knew how much getting this job meant.
I am completely on your side OP. You gave your sister notice that you could no longer look after them. So it’s not like you just didn’t show up on the day.
I think it’s incredibly self-centered of your sister to think that her children have to take precedence over your career and future prospects.
I would suggest giving your sister and mom time to get their heads out of their backsides.
They will soon (hopefully) realize that they were being ridiculous expecting you to cancel your interview.” AyenDrkwing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!!!! Your sister and mother sound really toxic. No one is entitled to your free time especially if you had something important and job-related come up.
A rational person would understand and be cheering for you. I don’t even know you and I’m so happy for you and hope you get it!
It’s over the top inappropriate and rude. I’ll bet your sister is majorly favored by your mom and always gets what she wants.
They don’t care about your feelings and both should be apologizing for treating you like a servant.
Your sister is bluffing. Who else is she going to get free babysitting from regularly? Your mom will quickly get tired of it.
Anyway, know that you deserve far better, especially from family. Good luck!” Successful_Moment_91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She got vicious with you that quickly for trying to get a good job, your sister is really selfish. Sounds like a win that you won’t have to see her again for a while.
You should block your mother though cuz if your adult sister shouldn’t be speaking to like that, the woman who raised you jumping in to get vicious with you is absolutely foul.
But you know your sister will be crawling back as soon as she wants to party and no one else will watch her kids for her, but don’t take her back until she gives a sincere apology.” JCBashBash
6. AITJ If I Don't Return $30?
“So a few days ago my cousin gave me 36 dollars to do the dishes, we agreed to the amount and he didn’t care about giving me the moolah. So yesterday, or a few days ago, my aunt (who I live with) told me to give him the $30 back and I could keep the $6.
She said, ‘we don’t take advantage of the family.’ Which is golden coming from her (she’s mentally and emotionally unstable towards me and she and her husband treat me differently from their bio children). Today she kept asking about if I’ve given it back, which really got me pretty mad considering her son isn’t throwing a fit over it or anything.
And my aunt was fine with it before, I assume, she talked to her husband. I gave the moolah to one of my friends cause I didn’t want to give it back. In my eyes her son WILLINGLY gave me the coins, he knew what he was doing.
But because he worked for the money with his dad that means I have to give it back. I understand that, but I don’t feel like that’s fair.
I don’t have a job, I’ve applied to many places but was never hired. And with my current circumstances getting a job now is impossible.
(I’ve been put in mental facilities and my aunt is working on getting me into a long-term facility. Court said I’m not stable enough to have the stress of school and a job) Any amount I get I spend on necessities, not candy and sweets like her kids would.
I’m 17, her son is 13. He’s worked with his father before and gotten money, he doesn’t throw it around willy-nilly. In my opinion, I’ve done more than enough housework living here to deserve the money. I cleaned the entire house the day I came back from the mental facility without being told to.
When told to do the dishes I do a little extra and clean the counters
However recently it’s pretty obvious to me that my aunt doesn’t appreciate what I do around the house, like washing the sink without being told because nobody will, I do my own laundry, cleaning my own room, make sure I shower and stay clean, I help(ed) her when she needed it, I always put away the groceries (to the point where everyone thinks they can just set the bags down and just wait for me to put stuff away.
So now I’ve stopped doing all the extra stuff needed unless it benefits me. I feel like I’ve been going above and beyond since I moved here and I have done enough to deserve this money. I have never once been paid for it, even when 99% of the dishes and mess aren’t mine.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re 17 and you let your 13 yo cousin pay you $36 of his funds to do the dishes?
YTJ.
Your aunt took you in as a kindness – she’s under zero obligation to treat you the same as her bio children, and with you doing stuff like taking advantage of your little cousin, I’m not sure she’ll want you living there much longer.” justanerd__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It was his moolah to spend, he chose to be lazy. He’ll learn from this if he has a problem with it. Or he’ll be the kind of person to spend $20 to have McDonald’s delivered.
Sure, it’s a pretty good deal for you, but it’s not like you sought it out and the labor has already been done. It’s $30, it shouldn’t be this big of a deal.
That being said, it’s probably not worth the hassle this will cause.
Strike a bargain with your sibling to ease the tension if you can.” RandomPizzaGuyy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your cousin is 13 and you clearly took advantage of him. $36 is a ridiculous amount for simply doing dishes.
If you have a problem with the amount of chores you are doing and the lack of payment – that is a discussion to have with your aunt.
Whether you have done enough chores to have earned the moolah doesn’t matter – as it is not your cousin’s responsibility to pay you and that is who you took the moolah from.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Girl NTJ. You were set up from the jump with your terrible mother and just because your aunt took you in doesn’t mean she can be mentally abusive to you and not give you ANY $$$$ when you can’t get a job, that is cruel.
Why does a 13 y/o have moolah to give and you don’t when you both work? He helps his dad and you do housework (which you should stop doing since you realize you aren’t appreciated for it nor do you get any compensation).
I hope you can get some help with your mental health and get a job. Keep looking or ask around for local programs that might be able to help you.” areyouslimeenough
5. AITJ For Sending Pink Envelopes?
“I sell Pokémon cards on eBay as a side job. I have been doing it way before; the rush on Pokémon cards was a big thing. When I mail out my cards, I like to send them in different colored envelopes to stand out.
The colors are red, blue, pink, green, and yellow. They are randomly picked and using different colors helps me remember who has what order. I have never gotten a complaint before and thought it was a great idea. So, when your letter arrives it’s a fun experience instead of just getting a PWE.
(Plain White Envelope)
I had an order for a card that was randomly put in a pink envelope and mailed off to the buyer. About a week or so later, I get a message on eBay from the buyer asking me not to send him pink envelopes because pink is for girls, and he doesn’t want his neighbors to see him carry in a pink letter.
About a week goes by and I add more items to my eBay and this person bought more things from me. About ten different cards. I don’t remember him from all the other orders, so one of his packages gets sent in a pink envelope.
I had a lot of orders that week and a lot of people got pink envelopes along with different colors. I’m also sure another one of his orders was sent in a blue one.
He messages me again, furious that I have sent him another pink envelope.
He informed me that he would not buy from me again if the next envelope was pink. His message also included ‘I don’t want another pink letter only sending me color associated with the American flag, so only red and blues.
If it’s on the gay flag, I don’t want it.’ Weird because the pride flag is a rainbow, but I digress. He sent other things that he felt were associated with pink that he didn’t want to be associated with, but I think we all get the point.
So about two weeks later he orders about twenty cards, which is over the weight limit for eBay standard card shipping, so I broke his order down into separate orders. Cards were bought in different orders of five, so it was easy to do.
I had a buy three get two free.
I decided I didn’t want this person to go without his pink envelopes any longer, so I sent him five separate pink letters for his cards. Now, where I think I was being the jerk was while talking to my partner, she defended him, saying ‘he could have been in the closet, and you exposed him to his family.’ I tried to show her the messages but I don’t think that is the case.
So she changed it to ‘He doesn’t want to be made fun of by his neighbors and now he will.’ But now I feel bad that he did ask to not get them sent anymore, but I decided to be petty.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it was quite funny, however, I feel like the customer might have some mental disability, meaning it might make the experience of getting the ‘wrong color’ quite distressing, and I believe the ‘right colors are those of the American flag’ comment is not something the average neurotypical person would say?
Or even bother to care about it?
But also, he is a paying customer of yours that did ask politely, with explaining why it was an issue to him, so I don’t see the problem in sending a color as wished when those are available.
With a friend or acquaintance that would be funnier, but we don’t really know where the customer is really coming from so making fun of them might not be the best thing. But you’re not a terrible person for joking around haha, it was really harmless with no ill intentions.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is he five!? He has some deep-rooted insecurity issues. But that’s his problem, not yours. If I saw a ‘manly man’ neighbor getting pink envelopes in the mail, first, I wouldn’t care. Second, I wouldn’t assume he was gay.
Instead, I’d assume he had a partner or a younger sister (or brother, for that matter) who liked to send stuff in the mail. Or I’d assume that he was getting pink junk mail.
The whole ‘pink is for girls’ thing was thrust (ahem) upon society and is silly.
And it wasn’t always that way. Pink wasn’t associated with girls until the mid-1900s (at least according to Wikipedia). At one point, it was not considered an appropriate color for girls and ladies because it was too close to red, which was considered scandalous and unladylike.
Supposedly, cowboys in the 1800s wore pink shirts because it was easier to launder.” Critteranne666
Another User Comments:
“I’ll be the bad guy and tell you YTJ.
Selling on any site means you are a business (I have been a small business for 25 years).
For a business, customer service is EVERYTHING. You WANT customers to return and give you their money.
The first 2 times you sent pink, it was random. But when you PURPOSELY sent multiple pink envelopes, when your customer expressly asked you NOT TO, you were not only a total jerk but a petulant child.
What you were NOT was a business person.
If you really want to be in business (no matter how small), you treat your customers with respect. They chose to spend their hard-earned money with YOU, and you show your gratitude with good customer service and respect.
You are spending too much time on the internet if you can’t tell the difference between real life and fun snarkiness with strangers. What you did was childish, and most likely lost you as a customer. All so you could laugh at his expense with internet strangers.
Grow up and do better.” Drive-by-poster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but the trope of the ‘overly homophobic individual is a closeted member of the Queer community,’ needs to be phased out as it is a harmful trope that causes violence to the Queer community while benefiting the heteronormative/hetero imaginary or framework/narrative by shifting responsibility away from hetero spaces onto the Queer community — as if to say ‘here you’re responsible for XYZ rhetoric and action.’
Not every person who is closeted is an overcompensating homophobic or Queerphobic individual. Although, there are Queer folks who have to deconstruct internalized homophobia/Queer phobia and as such deserve gentleness and guidance in their own journeys there is definitely a difference…
All to say, I am annoyed with OP’s gf’s response as it felt invalidating and also perpetuated a harmful trope/lacking in nuance.
I do hope the person getting the pink envelopes gets the assistance they need if it is the case they are needing any kind of help or if they do in fact exist in a hostile environment that reinforces archaic gendered roles.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re parroting crap they see or hear all the time (assuming they’re a youngster purchasing these items) but if they themselves are a poorly informed adult, then I’m sorry but it’s not the OPs job to adjust to that and contain any kind of hospitality towards a stranger who is openly behaving in a prejudiced manner.
The person also chose to buy from OP several times. If they were seriously bothered (which clearly they were) they could have stopped buying after the first round of pink envelopes.
Also pretty obtuse to assign gender to a color for gods sake.” United_Friendship_76
4. AITJ For Laughing At My Colleague's Socks?
“So I, 28F am an employee working for a large company with several departments. There’s this new guy that I see often at the reception from another department. He’s good looking, wears nice suits, but his socks are just… they look weird.
They’re colorful and have patterns and animals and totally don’t match what his wearing. Like they really stand out and you can’t help but notice them.
He’s been here for 2 months and has been basically wearing those unmatching socks religiously.
Some of my colleagues laughed at him but they don’t know him and rarely see him so no harm in that.
Last week, I was in a meeting with him and other employees from different departments. I sat at the corner but still couldn’t help staring at his socks and trying to contain my laughter.
He noticed but didn’t say anything till he caught me looking at them again. That’s when he sort of snapped and said ‘you’ve been looking at my feet and laughing, is there a problem?’I finally just let out a laugh and said ‘I’m sorry but it’s just these penguin socks’ everyone stared at them then laughed. He looked around and then immediately went back to the project.
Let me just say that it got awkward for everyone till the meeting ended.
He waited for me outside the office then pulled me aside and said that those socks I was laughing at had a huge value to him because his late wife made them before her passing and he’s been wearing them for a year now.
I was stunned I said I was sorry for his loss and I was kidding…though I was kinda not because I really thought those socks looked stupid and unmatching with his overall appearance. Plus, they make him look unprofessional and ruin his professional look.
He said what was unprofessional is me going off-topic and commenting and making fun of something so personal. He implied that he’d take this to HR someday soon which I thought was a huge overreaction on his part. though, I don’t really think he’ll go through with his passive threat.
He turned around and walked off.
I felt so terrible, that I went back to my department and told my colleagues what happened. They told me he’s egotistical and deserved the embarrassment because what did he expect when he decided to wear stuff like that and get attention, besides it wasn’t like I made direct comments about the socks I just laughed quietly and did my best not to let it show and he brought it up… Gosh!
I just… this entire situation made me nauseated because he seemed like a nice guy but I think we got off the wrong foot sort of speak and maybe I was wrong, maybe he flew off the handle.
AITJ though?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are also creating a hostile work environment by bullying and engaging in that behavior with others. That is more unprofessional than if the man showed up in a banana suit and is generally an offense that merits immediate termination.
Should we all laugh about that now? You interrupted a meeting with a personal attack. I’m guessing his socks have literally zero to do with his ability to perform the job.
Beyond that, colorful ‘fun’ socks are the norm and have been for years.
Women have earrings and accessories to personalize and men have socks ties and shoes as business attire can be bland.
Lastly, what makes you the tastemaker? Why is your opinion even needed on how he gets dressed every day? How would you feel if your wardrobe choice became an item on the meeting agenda to laugh at?
It’s shocking you even have to ask. AITJ for making fun of the socks my coworker’s dead wife made him? Yes. Yes, you are.” Jazzlike-Squirrel116
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A huge gaping one. Congratulations on harassing a guy at work than trying to get his colleagues to gang up.
You’re a bully straight out of a bad high school movie.
Also, it’s incredibly common for some of the world’s premier professionals to do subtle things like that to their wardrobe to allow some freedom. Funny belt buckles or socks are very normal for men in the professional world.
I work with some of the best doctors in the world and see them wearing socks like this daily.
Also men’s fashion, in general, has slacks that go basically all of the ways down to the ankle even while sitting.
It comes up minorly but generally not enough to really see it obviously. That means you’ve been absolutely staring this dude’s socks down regularly looking for a reason to scrutinize.” joshthatoneguy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You were literally staring at his feet during the meeting.
Of course, you’re the jerk. An initial glance when you first see him to see which socks are fine.
Everything after that was you intentionally being a jerk. You continued to stare and laugh throughout the meeting. That’s on you.
That isn’t his fault.
You had a chance to play it cool. ‘Sorry, I just love the socks you wear!’ could have possibly turned things into a pleasant exchange. Instead, you laughed more and commented on the socks in a judgemental manner.
Then you proceeded to gossip about him and continued obsessing over his socks.
‘Did my best to not let it show’ my butt. You admit to staring and laughing to yourself throughout the meeting. You did literally nothing to even attempt to be polite.” Ohcrumbcakes
I’d be extra nice to him and/or shut up and maybe you won’t end up in HR getting reprimanded, which you totally deserve.
3. AITJ For Showing No Sympathy For A Customer's Frustration?
“I work in a retail pharmacy.
A customer comes in asking to pick up a prescription. I look on the shelf and in our computer system for the given name and birthday and I can’t find anything. I check our faxes and voicemails…still empty.
With visible frustration, the customer gives the doctor’s office a phone call and hands me the phone on speaker.
Me to the receptionist: ‘I’m not seeing anything written recently for those meds, but I see an older one on file with no refills.
I will fax a refill request to you right now so you can resend it easily.’
(receptionist understands and hangs up)
‘Okay, they said they’ve sent it to us but I’m not showing anything in my system. I just sent them a refill request so if you can wait a few minutes we should be able to get that shortly.’
Customer: ‘Well, how long is that going to take?’
Me: ‘I’m not sure, it’s entirely dependent upon them to send us the fax, and even so, it’s not instant. There’s usually some buffer time in the system.’
Customer: ‘This is the third time I’ve tried to get this prescription from you guys and it’s clear that you all are incompetent and don’t know what you’re doing here.
I think it’s time I find myself a new pharmacy.’
Me: (Doesn’t care) ‘Okay.’
Customer: ‘And you don’t care, do you!?’
Me: ‘No, I don’t. I’ve done everything that I can to help and my hands are tied at this point, and you giving me attitude over something I have no control over doesn’t make any sense at all.
But if that’s going to be a problem for you then yeah you can go somewhere else.’
The customer is stunned and in disbelief. They proceed to go on a ramble about my attitude and keep repeating, ‘how about you show a little compassion?’
Me: ‘Compassion? I’m doing my job to the best of my ability. This is totally out of my control and there’s nothing I can do for you at this point.’
The customer proceeds to ask for my name and pharmacist (my boss).
The pharmacist had overheard the entire exchange and was quick to defend me and my actions. The customer then says, ‘Well you weren’t standing here talking face to face with them (me) like I was so you don’t know exactly what was going on.
Is there someone at the front I can talk to about -VOIDED_?’
Me: ‘Yeah, you can talk to the store manager ‘Manager name’ ‘
(Customer storms off and leaves the store, doesn’t talk to the manager.)
I’m questioning if I did the right thing here regardless of what my coworkers think.
I always approach people with a good attitude but I am very matter-of-fact and I don’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. And as soon as someone gives me a trashy attitude, I’m quick to give it right back.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Former pharmacy tech here.
What pharmacy patients don’t seem to understand is that even if our job looks like retail service, it is not. Medications are not a general consumption good. There are tons of regulations governing substance dispensing.
Just because a patient is ‘frustrated’ because technology lets us down, what are we supposed to do? The fax failed. We can’t serve the medication without it, even if we spoke to the doctor, even if the patient spoke to the doctor.
We have to wait. It’s not instant. And once we do receive it, it has to be processed following due procedure.
The only way to show compassion is to go ‘Aww. I’m sorry. I understand this is not ideal’ and generally, that’s not good enough for them.
They’re like expecting tears, a gift certificate, circumventing rules, or something. None of that should or can be done. And if you beat around the bush, sugarcoat stuff or try to minimize the time it might take to get a prescription done, they still get angry because ‘the tech at drop off told me it wasn’t going to be long, but I’ve been waiting for 7 minutes now.
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??!!’
Better to tell them the truth (‘the process is going to be long and because they didn’t do something right the first time around, there is going to be a delay. We don’t know how long the delay is.
If you want, you can go home and we’ll call you when your medication is ready. We can also have it delivered’), there is nothing else to do. If they’re expecting a song and dance, that’s on them.” ChibiSailorMercury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to affect a false air of sympathy for this woman. She was upset you didn’t apologize profusely and get on your knees to await her instructions. She was perturbed and felt entitled to make you a punching bag but it backfired. She’s a jerk and if there really were two prior foul ups in getting the prescription she already should’ve left and found another pharmacy, or another doctor whose office can successfully fax a prescription, or she can be truthful and realized she has to make sure her prescription is processed before she makes a prima Donna entrance at the pharmacy.” Billyaardvark
Another User Comments:
“I get their frustration, but the frustration is aimed at the wrong people.
You being a bit snarky back isn’t that big of a deal. Your coworkers and boss had your back so that’s good.
Though from what the customer said it didn’t seem like your boss knew what they had an issue with. Which was your attitude of ‘not caring’ and ‘no compassion’.
If they knew/heard that they might be a bit more on the side of the customer.
So depending on that you might need to be a bit more ‘careful’ next time.
Though, I don’t think it’s a big deal. So you’re NTJ, the customer is.” haveitgood
2. AITJ For Having My Husband Cancel Reservations?
“My (f) 35th birthday is in June. My husband asked if he could plan a surprise for it, to which I said sure. After he booked it, he told me that he rented a cabana at a fancy hotel just for the afternoon with access to the hotel’s public pool in the city we live in.
Included in the $405 booking is access to the pool for 4 adults for the afternoon, a small fabric cabana, and access to food and drinks which are available for additional purchase. (No hotel stay or room included)
So, $405 to sit by a fancy pool.
I am sure lots of people might like that, but as a very pale and overweight woman, that’s just not my go-to if I am going to drop $405. I tried to let him down gently and explain that we have a pool at our apartment and I would be happier just chilling by our own pool and grilling some burgers and inviting some friends over.
He did cancel the reservation and got the full refund but is now offended and said he was just trying to do something nice for me and thinks I am a jerk. While I appreciate him wanting to do something unique and special, I do not think he was truly considering what I might like to do.
For example, yesterday he asked what I might like to do and I said maybe go on a short day trip down I-35 (since I will be turning 35) to a neighboring small town and stroll through the downtown shops and maybe get some dinner then head back after.
So, I don’t know. I feel like if it’s not something I want to do, then I should be able, to be honest with him but I feel like I crushed his idea and I don’t want to hurt him.
AITJ? Should I have just kept my lips sealed and went along with it to save face?”
Another User Comments:
“To some people, gift-giving is a thing they do out of social pressure and not because they want to. So they’re not putting in any consideration as to what the recipient wants and they’re only thinking about what would be a nice gift. He’s probably a little hurt that you didn’t want the gift because he probably did put plenty of thought into it, he just didn’t put the right thought into it and so he’s probably also a little embarrassed too.
Let him know that you appreciate his effort and you would love to spend a quiet relaxing day with him, that it isn’t about the money, you recognize the thought that counts, and you love him the same.
NTJ.” UnqualifiedIT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s months in advance, and you let him down gently, and suggested multiple alternatives. If he still wants to feel part of the surprise, maybe give him a few options of things you enjoy, and then let him loose to plan the rest of the day.
That way, you both get what you want, and everyone is happy. $405 to sit by a pool is a big no for me. It’s your bday, you can give ideas, and he can still add on to make it a surprise!” CharlestonXCX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your husband is overreacting. Maybe make a point to sit down together and share some of your favorite things to do. Give him ideas of getaways, day trips, or things you enjoy. For example, a couple’s massage, a day trip to a winery, getting pedicures together, etc. That way he has a list of things he could do for you in the future.
Ask him for his list of things he would love to do on his birthday so you have ideas in the future as well.
Even if you think his motives might not have been quite tuned in still make an effort to let him know you appreciate him trying to plan a special surprise and would love to do special things as a couple in the future.” butterflycole
1. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Mom For Not Giving The Mother's Day To My Wife?
“My wife and I had our first baby 10 months ago, so this is her first mother’s day as a mom.
We talked about expectations and she said that she wants the actual day to be about her from now on because our moms both had plenty of mother’s days and our nuclear family takes priority.
For some background, mother’s day usually consists of splitting the day between the two families.
My mom picks what she wants for the day, and sometimes it isn’t even kid-friendly (this is her second grandchild). My sister, who is a mom, does some stuff in the morning with her family, but then everything else is about my mom.
Also, my mom and wife really don’t like each other. My mom doesn’t act on it, but they’ve never liked each other and I can see them both physically cringing when they are together.
I can get that. I was a little nervous about how both of our families would react.
My MIL is having a hard time with it but said she agrees. My MIL picked another date for us to celebrate her though and it was all good. I told my mom and she said it was fine, but my stepdad was making comments under his breath.
I asked my mom which alternative date she wanted and she said she doesn’t celebrate things on other days and I can do whatever I want, but if I don’t come to the family thing, she isn’t going to have a fake mother’s day just for us.
I tried explaining that it would still be a celebration and we want to do something for her. My mom said it was fine and she didn’t want to.
Then my younger sister walked in and my stepdad was like do you know what this jerk is doing?
My sister began yelling at me, so I was blunt that my wife takes priority now and I refuse to 1) make her uncomfortable 2) spend mother’s day at a winery when kids can’t drink.
My mom told us all to shut up and went into the kitchen.
I followed her and asked if she was hurt and she said no, but she doesn’t like to open up. I explained that we wanted to do something, so please pick another day and she said she had already said no and leave her alone.
I knew my wife was going to take that badly, so honestly, I lost my temper a bit and screamed at her that she is acting like a 2-year-old. She is always selfish, picking stuff that inconveniences the actual kids, and she doesn’t even deserve much because she is a lame grandmother (never visits, never helps) I did apologize right after but she was just like ok, and rolled her eyes.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ purely for aggressing at your mother when she was trying to remove herself from the situation. If she doesn’t like to open up, using a crowbar isn’t the right way to help her with that.
As to who gets to celebrate Mother’s Day, that becomes a bit more complicated. Do your folks still visit their parents on Mother’s Day?
Is your wife expecting that your children will just stop seeing her on Mother’s Day once they have their own children?
Use that as a guide of what family expectations are, and how to model good behavior for your kids as they grow older.
Maybe starting your own family changes the way the day looks, but you should still find a way to honor your mother on the day. Flipping the script and then flipping your lid about it doesn’t seem like the right way to go about it.” anno_nomali
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go ahead and say NTJ.
I think you and your wife are correct in believing that it’s her turn to be celebrated on the actual date. When I was a child growing up, we celebrated my mom on the day and would only call or drop off cards to my grandmothers, then celebrate them all on grandparents day (some years everyone would all go out together to celebrate, but it was rare.) It was extremely generous of you to offer her own day to be celebrated and anyone who isn’t petty would have been fine with that.
You may have crossed the line when you blew up, probably should have just left and let her stew instead of yelling, but it is what it is.
Give her a couple of days to sit and maybe offer again with another apology if it means a lot to you, but if you get the same response after that, just leave it.
Get her a card, maybe send some flowers, but don’t bring it up again. It really seems like your mom just wants a reason to be upset and people like that are hard to reason with. You’ll definitely hear some crap from other family members, but you’re at a point in your life now where your wife and child come first. Take care of them and let her enjoy her day.
Best of luck!” Redsassyone
Another User Comments:
“YTJ along with your wife. The other two mothers? Well, I’m going to say they are part jerks and part just used to the tradition of it. I am hugely low key about holidays and I have zero stakes in the whole ‘give parents another hallmark me me me day’ BUT: Love is not a one or the other thing.
I am not religious in the slightest but there is a quote they do at weddings ‘Love is not selfish.’ You and your wife are entirely about yourselves.
She wants to be the only one that matters, and you know that won’t fly with her when her kids have kids and they want to be top dogs!
You don’t want to have your wife dry up on you in bed, so you yell at your mother for declining to have a substitute/’hey we’ll call you back’ day to be remembered on instead of… what was the name of that day again… oh yea, MOTHER’S DAY.
And everyone here knows there isn’t a ‘we want to do something’ it is you half-butting a way to try to keep in everyone’s good graces after your selfish wife demands everything to be about her ‘from now on’. Overall I am happy I do not have you as relatives.” KnightofForestsWild
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I almost went ‘everyone sucks here’, but the question is about your mom, and you know what? You were a REAL jerk to your mom here, and she’s the only one who doesn’t suck in this situation.
You told her that you don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day with her, and she took it very gracefully and told you that was fine, but she didn’t want a different day.
Now, your stepdad and your younger sister both also suck for blowing it out of proportion, but you suck the most for not only insisting your mom has to do it your way but then screaming at her about a holiday that is supposed to be about celebrating her.
She doesn’t have to accept your consolation on Mother’s Day, especially since you’re only insisting on it because your wife won’t be happy. You don’t actually care about celebrating your mom, and she fully understands that, so stop pushing it on her because you’re only making it worse.” flaming_crisis
