People Wish To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories
15. AITJ If I Removed All My Stepkid's Stuff From My Office?
“My partner m38 and I f32 have been together for 8 years.
He has 2 amazing girls from his old relationship, 9 and 11. We get them every weekend from Fridays after school and take them to school Monday mornings, their mum is only 30mins away and school is only 15.
I love these girls, I have since I first met them which was why, when we built our house I made sure it had enough space for them inside and outside. We built our house 5 years ago, my kidlets were still young enough they wanted to share a room, mum’s house is 2 bedroom so it was normal.
I work 2 different jobs. One job is mornings from 6:30 am to 9 am, then 3 pm to 6 pm. I also do in-home support for the elderly from 10:30 am to 1:30 pm and I am also currently studying for a 2-year diploma, but aside from that both my jobs require filling out paperwork and doing admin from home.
Our house has 4 bedrooms, I took the smallest of them, with hi-lo windows, to turn into my office. This space is super important, it lets me focus on my work, it’s quiet, and I don’t have to stress about the dishes needing to be done or what to do for dinner like I used to at our old house when my ‘office’ was the kitchen table.
I would always end up preparing dinner or cleaning instead of my work.
I came home from 2 nights away, not the weekend, helping my SIL’s grandmother prepare to move into a nursing home.
When I went to put away all the paperwork we filled out into my filing drawers, my office was gone! Instead, there was my 11yr old’s kidlet bed, chest of drawers, her toys, and books.
I freaked out. I asked my partner why he did it, he said that 11yr wanted her own room now, and he thought the ‘computer room’ would be best.
He then said that I’m always in there and that he thinks I should set up my office at the kitchen island because ‘that way I’m not shutting myself away.’ I said thanks for thinking of me and my supposed isolation but I needed my office, I had EVERYTHING in order, one wall was painted a calming blue/green, I had everything where I needed it, and stressed so much less.
He said I was being ungrateful and that this was no longer the ‘computer room’ and I had to get over it. He has never behaved like this.
The next day I moved all my kidlet’s things into the empty bigger room.
I even went and got wooden letters that spelled out both girls’ names for us to paint and put on the walls of their rooms.
My partner said my reaction was over the top, that I was being petty and selfish, I was putting my needs before his child’s, and that 11yr old wanted my office room specifically, he said it was because she wanted to be closer to him and me.
Maybe I did overreact, it is just a room and I could have just set up in the larger room but this is the room I have, I guess, emotionally invested in. It is my space.
He wants me to apologize.
AITJ in this situation? Should I say sorry to him for overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your husband is having trouble telling his 11-year-old ‘no.’ Does she pretty frequently get what she wants when she asks for it?
Not saying she’s a brat by any means, but some kids just know how to work their parents.
Also, I’d be really hurt if I went away to help a family member who was preparing to place their grandmother in a nursing home.
That’s not exactly fun work and it took a lot of care and consideration for you to offer up your time to help with that. To come home from a situation like that and find that your husband made this executive decision about a space that you utilized for work… I’d be hurt and mad.
If the 11-year-old would like to feel closer to you, then you can sit down with her and figure out what that looks like without giving up your workspace. Maybe regular ice cream treats or a trip to the mall with just the two of you.” Gargoyles_90s_YES
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And I can’t overstate this enough, do not under any circumstance bend to this behavior and give up your office room. He never talked to you beforehand about his 11yr old wanting her own room, he KNEW it was your office space and not just the ‘computer room’.
This isn’t normal partner relationship behavior, so something is definitely going on with him.
Regardless of the fact that you have mentioned you have had less time to spend with him, it doesn’t matter.
What he did was ridiculous, it’s that simple. Obviously, you have to talk to him and really get to the bottom of this, children don’t get to dictate what room they get, they have a discussion with both of you.
He is trying to use the whole ‘she just wants to be close to you’ to guilt-trip you so you feel bad, don’t fall for it. But it’s not about that, it’s something to do with him, he is trying to assert some type of power or trying to control a situation.
He is a grown man and would 100% understand why someone who works from home needs an office space away from the rest of the house to get this done, so he is playing dumb here.
Trying to move you into the heartbeat of the house, the kitchen? Something is up.
But also, none of us here know your relationship, if he has never behaved like this, it’s not something that can be just let go, or he will keep trying to get away with things like this in the future.
Good luck.” Zestyclose_Fun_4951
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in big bold letters.
Now on to your partner’s behavior. I see where you posted that this is completely unlike him. That normally he’s very supportive, etc. If that’s the case, then for some reason he just took a big swan dive into the deep end of the jerk pool.
WHAT was he thinking?!
You built the house to ensure plenty of space. That room has been your office since the beginning.
I’m just blown away.
He did this deliberately while you were away.
No warning. No conversation. Huge jerk move.
He refers to the space as the ‘computer room’ when in fact it’s YOUR office. He’s doing that intentionally to make it seem like an unimportant shared space of the family and that we all need to take one for the team.
My jaw hit the floor when you mentioned a larger EMPTY bedroom?! Why on earth does something like this happen ESPECIALLY when you’ve got a larger space empty?
This isn’t a room that is being used by you for something personal or selfishly.
This is not your woman cave. It’s your freaking office that you need and PLANNED FOR when building your home. You need this space to effectively work from home. Not to mention it sounds like your work demands privacy – something you will never have at the kitchen table.
That space allows you to do your job as well as study for your degree. This supports the financial well-being of your family. It’s like he took a knife to it. Given this was out of the blue from your partner, given the way it was done, given his reaction afterward, is it possible he has issues with your work?
Or with the pursuit of your degree? Because nothing else makes sense. (Honestly, that doesn’t make sense either but I’m grasping at straws).
Your reaction was not over the top. HIS actions were in fact petty and selfish and frankly bizarre.
And now he’s punishing you by demanding an apology and acting weird.
He said you were supposed to be GRATEFUL?!? For what exactly?
He said it was no longer the ‘computer room’ and YOU should just get over it?!
Seriously? He unilaterally decided all this and is now telling you to deal. If my husband tried anything like that – I’m afraid I’d be using my outside voice.
He sounds jealous.
That you’re always in there ‘shut away’ instead of sitting at the table where you are in the open and vulnerable to every distraction and every person’s query. Does he resent your job?
Worry about you becoming more empowered with a new degree?
NTJ but you’ve got bigger problems than your office space. I truly hope you can work it out.” Advanced-Extent-420
14. AITJ For Refusing To Shower In The Dark?
“I (25F) live with 2 friends (27F, 24F), I’ve been living here for about 4 months but this problem started last week.
I get off work at 5 pm, I get home around 5:30 pm, chill for a bit, play with my cats and cook dinner around 6 pm. After I’m done eating, I relax for a bit and take a shower for a run around 7:30.
I get back home around 9:30-10:00 pm and I take a shower and go to bed. One of my roommates told me last week that she can’t sleep with lights on and it was the one for the bathroom, I told her I was taking a shower and she said it goes under the door.
I suggested an eye mask to sleep lol.
She has been complaining that because of my late showers she can’t go to bed early. I told her that she goes out to party every week and gets home late and it’s loud and I always wake up and I don’t say anything but go back to sleep, or when her partner comes and they argue and I can hear everything since her room is next to mine.
She told me why can’t I just take a shower with the lights off or with my phone’s flash. I laughed and told her she was out of her mind, to get some eye mask or figure it out but it was not my fault.
She is upset and talked to my other roommate who told me she is aware of it and that’s why she keeps her lights off since she works until late. I told her that was unacceptable and she was the one to fix her issue and not me but somehow most people are telling me to find a way to compromise and not argue.
I said the eye mask is the only way.
AITJ for not wanting to shower in the dark?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Since the light bothers her, she should block under her door or wear an eye mask.
You are not acting unusually, nor is your timing out of the norm.
On the other hand, would you consider a lower light level? A smaller LED bulb in a small lamp on the counter instead of the bright overhead light?
She also has no room to complain when she is regularly rude by returning late & loud, waking you up. (Have you tried earplugs or a white noise app?)” PlatypusDream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s not reasonable to ask two other rent-paying residents of an apartment to sit silently in the dark each night because she wants to go to bed early. Is this bathroom connected to her bedroom?
I’m having a hard time imagining how this is so intrusive.
You could compromise by putting a towel under the door to block the light, maybe? Or maybe she can switch to a bedroom that isn’t as close to the bathroom?” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that is not an unreasonable time to be taking a shower, your roommate needs to understand that you have to make reasonable concessions in order to live with roommates on different schedules.” Flat_Lengthiness_319
13. AITJ For Signing My In-Laws Out Of My Streaming Services?
“My husband (29m) and I (26f) stayed with his family for a couple of years because I was pregnant and we needed somewhere to stay.
We weren’t planning on staying for so long but after the baby was born 2020 came, my husband lost his job, and I ended up needing emergency surgery that drained our savings. Despite this happening we still paid them $300-$600/month for bills and the streaming services.
After my kiddo was born my inlaws started bullying me, telling me I wasn’t doing anything right, I wasn’t feeding him enough/the right things (I fed him every 3.5 hours when he was 0-3 months and every 4.5 hours with baby food and bottle).
They threw out baby food and forced me to make it myself. I worked when I was pregnant and they didn’t like that so at 6 months pregnant I quit. After 10 months postpartum I had my surgery and got another job as soon as I healed so we could afford the bill.
They would tell my husband that I was a bad wife and mom for working the night shift because it meant he had to cook for the kids and put them to bed when ‘that’s the wife’s job’.
They have also acted entitled to our things in MY storage unit and would go and take things from our room and not give it back. When confronted they would say, ‘everything in the house is to be shared!!’
So before we moved out I got onto the streaming services that I pay for and have been letting them use while we lived there (Netflix, Disney+, and Spotify) and logged them out and changed the passwords on them.
My Brother in law texted my husband asking for the passwords and he told him to ask me. So he texted me asking me for them and I replied with, ‘why do you need them?
We don’t live there anymore so they don’t need to be signed in to your devices’. He got mad and told me I was being super petty and acting extremely ungrateful to them.
I told him that I did appreciate their help but I didn’t appreciate their behavior towards us while we stayed there, and since we no longer reside in the house, the services no longer need to be shared with them.
I feel bad because my husband is getting texts from both his family and cousins saying it’s a jerk move to just cut them off the services like that without warning. So now I’m starting to think I was a jerk and should just let them keep using them because they let us stay for so long even though we didn’t plan on staying for as long as we did.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m so tired of people who think that just because they help you in some way, it entitles them to mistreat you AND that because you’re being helped or in a position where you can’t stand on your own, you have to accept whatever mistreatment they throw your way OR you’re being ungrateful.
FURTHERMORE, after you do get on your feet it’s almost expected for you to continue associating with them and maybe even allowing them to continue to mistreat you or stay quiet about it – THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
If you mistreat someone because you’re helping them, YOU’RE NOT HELPING THEM. And if you help someone simply bc you want to mistreat them, you’re not helping. You’re a jerk.
Secondly, just because someone helps you doesn’t mean you have to put up with mistreatment and it doesn’t mean that you have to continue associating with them nor does it mean you have to lie about or hide how they mistreated you.
It’s not being ungrateful. Helping someone who’s down on their luck does not give ANYONE license to also mistreat OR to take advantage of that person and this behavior needs to stop.” mjallen1308
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
Please okay, do not backpedal from this decision. You did not freeload off of them when you stayed there. You guys paid them rent. Even when you had next to nothing you made sure to contribute financially and in return, they gave you a roof over your head and a generous serving of taking advantage of.
You did exactly what you needed to do. You guys allowing them to use your streaming services while you live there was also a contribution to the household. It’s not petty to remove them from the services now that you’ve moved out.
Their home, finances, and streaming services are no longer your responsibility to be bothered with.
You guys are essentially starting over after being out of work and essentially homeless. You have a new baby as well so you need to focus all of your finances and savings on building a future for your kids, not your in-laws.
Anybody who thinks otherwise can*******. Good luck dear and I wish you and your family nothing but health and prosperity going forward.” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mooches always get mad when you cut them off.
They’re lazy and just don’t want to do the work of getting it themselves. That’s the same thing I did when I moved out of my grandparent’s house. All my streaming services went with me and when my mother tried to get me to share the info with her, I shut her down hard.
If you can shell out the funds for the services, so can they. And your husband needs to tell them it’s non-negotiable and if they keep trying to bully y’all into doing it, they earn themselves a time out of an indeterminate time frame.” TheRipley78
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Serve My Friend's Husband Divorce Papers?
“A close friend of 15 years is going through a nasty divorce. Dad is also a close friend, but not as close as the wife. Two kids, one on the spectrum, both super close with my kid and my husband is close with them all as well.
The soon-to-be ex-husband in question is brilliant, a lawyer, and is bipolar and no longer on his meds or in therapy. Doesn’t want their kids to go to school anymore. Wants to school them at home.
My wife is against it as kids are super shy and they enjoy school. The husband tries to keep them up late to make them too tired for school and then tries to talk them out of it while she’s getting them ready to go.
He’s also started fights with strangers in public spaces, but long ago.
I’ve tried to support them both in my way, not give advice and stay out of it.
I’m a fixer/caregiver by nature and sometimes to the detriment of myself and my family – in Al-Anon if that means anything to anyone out there – my hands are shaking right now.
The wife called me, we talk nearly every day, and she’s an asker. She has no problem asking for help. We helped her move, organized her new place, found her painters, did repairs, watched pets, kids, etc. So, this evening she asked if I would serve her husband the divorce papers.
She thought it would be kinder, gentler coming from a friend. I gasped and my body seized up. I’ve been served. Didn’t enjoy it one bit.
I asked her if she intended for me to surprise him with them.
She seemed surprised that I’d see that as a sensitivity issue. ‘He knows the papers are coming. He just doesn’t know where or when. You just have to put them on a table, ask him his name, and then tell them the papers are for him.
But I’ll tell him if that makes you feel better.’
So, if before I was just stalling to nut up an answer, now I said no in my careful, roundabout way. She blew past it and kept trying to convince me that either I or my husband were the best candidates.
I got out of the chat and thought I’d made myself compassionately clear.
Then I promptly worried that I was the jerk. Maybe this is the ‘new divorce’ where it’s all done by friends over a campfire-sorta like death doulas disrupted the funeral industry and midwives/birth doulas disrupted the hospital birth industry.
I worried that I was being old-fashioned, uncool, and not compassionate enough.
Told my husband, and he was agog with speechlessness, so we told our therapist in the am. Everyone on team me is aghast on my behalf.
I felt like my decision was reinforced. Then the wife called and I was so sure she was about to apologize for overstepping but she doubled down. She even seemed surprised that I was not flattered or willing to do this.
Btw, I’m 59. We’re not kids.
AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“Of course you’re NTJ. This is an outrageous request.
If this man is unmedicated and ramping up his manic state (as evidenced by the grandiose unschooling plans) and becoming violent enough to pick fights with strangers, it’s actually incredibly irresponsible of her to ask this of you.
She cannot know how he’s going to react or in any way ensure your safety.” personofpaper
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She’s right, it would be better coming from a friend. Getting served by a cop or process server can feel very ‘in your face’ and confrontative to the one being served. My divorce attorney said he had close to 100% success with just calling people and asking them to come down to his office and picking up the papers.
It helps them maintain a bit of dignity and avoid the embarrassment of having one’s friends and neighbors see the cops or a process server show up at the house in broad daylight and set the tongues to wagging.
And it usually helps the parties be more accepting of the process.
If you can do it, it really would be helpful for your friend and the soon-to-be ex. If you can, I get it, it’s uncomfortable and scary.
No jerks here.” grckalck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My friend, this is not a reasonable request and that lady may be an asker but what kind of question is this? This is a hard thing to experience.
That man is going to be struggling big time, sounds like he already is. Feeling as though his friends are conspiring against him is not going to sit well with him. I feel for you being put in this position and quite frankly, she couldn’t have thought this was kind.
This is cruel. People get strangers to do this for a reason, a good reason. You don’t have your friends serve your other friends with serious legal stuff because it’s heavy and makes them a bit paranoid/uncomfortable/wonder if they knew and what they know about the matter and when they came to know it.
A friend serving him will mess him up emotionally worse than a stranger. What is this woman playing at?
I appreciate he seems to be changed quite a bit personality-wise, and not making the best decisions right now.
He’s probably going through the worst thing he’s experienced in his life at the moment. All the nonsense his asker of an ex is getting you to do, maybe consider if you could (pardon the assumption) invest some of that energy into ensuring he’s got some stability as well.
Maybe not fixing shelves, but time spent. Decline some of her asks, she will ask someone else surely. He may not have a large circle. Sorry if that’s overstepping.
Just to be clear, I am a woman.” totalitarianbnarbp
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Future Brother-In-Law's Wedding?
“My fiancé and I have been engaged for over a year now and have had a wedding date and venue booked for a year also.
My fiancé’s younger brother (let’s call him Drew) started seeing this girl in June 2021. (call her Cassie). Due to some of my fiancé’s family’s religious beliefs, it is normal and encouraged to get engaged and married in less than a year of knowing each other.
So big surprise the beginning of November they get engaged. I thought it was a little too soon considering they were only going out for just over four months but hey not my life, not my business.
Fast forward to December about a month after they got engaged Drew tells me his wedding is June 4th. My wedding is on July 2. I know Drew was in some weird competition with my fiancé about getting married first considering he blatantly told me he would be married before us when he first met Cassie and they weren’t even together.
My future mother-in-law sees nothing wrong with this and has treated me a little differently since Drew and Cassie got together. I know she doesn’t like that I’m not Christian but I don’t feel that makes me a bad person, her son chose to marry me and is happy and I think that’s all that should matter.
Other family members have talked to my fiancé and have brought up to him that it is weird and rude what Drew and Cassie are doing. Along with the timing of their wedding, Cassie also chose almost the same bridesmaid dress color as me after I stupidly showed her my colors when she and Drew started going out.
Our wedding invitation was addressed to my fiancé with his first and last name and then just my first name after it like I am just a random person he’s bringing to the wedding and not his fiancé.
My bridal shower has had to be planned for a different month than originally because of when Cassie is planning hers. My friends have told me not to go to the wedding, I personally am not sure if I want to or not.
I don’t hate them and do want to support them but I also feel all these jabs at me are not right and just rude considering I’ve been nothing but nice to them.
I had one good conversation with Cassie but after all of this, I don’t even have a desire to acknowledge her when I do see her. I don’t want things to stay like this but I also am not going to just let this kind of stuff continue forever.
I also don’t hear from my future MIL as much as I did since Drew and Cassie have been together and I feel like my fiancé is only contacted when something is wanted or needed to be done around the house (the house that Drew still lives in and we live half an hour away).
I don’t like the way my fiancé is treated either, he is just used when they want him to fix something. I just find it frustrating always being treated like we are less than others because of religion which is what it really comes down to.
Our relationship is frowned upon by them because we live together and are not married and Drew and Cassie are rude jerks for doing this.
I want to add that it’s not about the sibling rivalry, there isn’t any on my fiancé’s end.
He doesn’t care what his brothers are doing or in any competition with them. I understand that they can get married whenever they want, choose whatever colors they want, etc. but I feel when it is someone close to you and you have siblings in other states that have to travel you should rethink having a wedding so close together and as for the colors yea it’s her wedding but it’s tacky and rude to copy them.
My fiancé feels the same way I do about all of this but we are not going to say anything to them. I also should clarify that I am going to go to the wedding but all the stuff that goes on there makes me not want to attend.
I guess I am just more so venting.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m giving you an NTJ for not wanting to go, but a YTJ if you don’t go.
I get it. I really do.
BIL & his partner are being awful. You don’t have to go. I won’t judge you for it, I promise. That is why, ultimately, I’m judging NTJ.
HOWEVER, if you don’t go, they win.
This is one of those cases where you can’t do much, so you have to rise above it and be a better person. Believe me, this isn’t normally my advice for family nonsense.
This hill isn’t worth dying on and unfortunately, this isn’t the best time to die on a hill anyway.
Discuss this fully w/your fiancee b/c it isn’t going to end (not just the wedding, but also the job, car, house, children, etc) and you WILL need to draw boundaries & be on the same page about where you will and will not be gracious.
Be gracious but not a doormat.
Their Wedding: Look great, be kind, and don’t laugh or gloat when things inevitably go sideways. When his family comments on their rudeness, try to say, w/all sincerity ‘Thank you so much for considering us.
I’m happy they found each other and have the same goals and values. A strong bond of love is what a good marriage is all about’ (or something similar that makes it clear you see it and appreciate their support, but you aren’t willing to talk trash.)
Your Wedding: Security – better safe than sorry. There is a real chance they will act up. Get an agreement w/your fiance upfront on how to handle it if they do. Line up security or some of your friends/family to keep an eye on them.
Also, the password protects all of your wedding plans just in case.
Your Friends: Let them know to just avoid BIL & his partner/Wife. You don’t want to give either of them the chance to play the victim card.
They 100% want to play the victim card.
Differentiation: It is late in the game to be able to make changes, but can you choose an additional coordinating color and make it more primary in the flowers, cake & other decor, making the color of the dresses the accent in those items?
Or add a short jacket to the dresses or a sash or shawl or pashmina? Ultimately though, no one will care except your close friends & family. The average guest doesn’t remember wedding colors/bridesmaid dresses unless they are truly horrible.
Guests only remember if it was a really good time or if something overly dramatic happens.
Your Memories: Lastly, I understand this is tainting the ‘specialness’ of your day. I’m going to suggest to you that that is overrated. All the photos & film & cakes & decor & flowers & ceremonies look the same more or less from wedding to wedding.
I don’t know about your budget, but, think about how much you are spending to have EVERYTHING photographed and/or filmed or on ‘table favors’. Is there space to cut that back on stuff that doesn’t matter as much to add something extra special to your honeymoon?
We did a non-wedding photoshoot in a location we both always wanted to visit.
We dressed up, but not in our wedding gear. It WAS SO MUCH FUN. We both looked great and stress-free.
There are so many photos of us genuinely laughing and enjoying each other and the location. These are the photos we have framed and displayed. We don’t ever look at our wedding photos.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you are making their engagement all about you when there appears to be no reason why it would be. The invitation complaint especially – you aren’t married and you don’t share a last name.
How else are they supposed to address the invitation? It’s not like they invited your SO +1, they included you by name. Yeah asking him for your last name if they weren’t sure would have been better but between that and all your other complaints, I think you need to sit down and remember that other people likely don’t think about you, in particular, all that often, especially when they have exciting, happy and personal events ongoing.” Nyankh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re NTJ for not wanting to go, but YTJ if you don’t go. It’s unlikely but possible that it’s not the way it is coming across to you.
Getting married is pretty stressful, which affects the way we perceive things. Small slights become mountains. The solution isn’t to boycott the wedding, which the way they seem is something these people would hold over you till their last breath.
Instead, talk to your fiancé about how this is making you feel and see how you can deal with it as a team. It’d also be good to draw some boundaries for yourself.
He’d probably be more upset about the way they are treating him if he didn’t have you getting upset for him. Strange but true.” gruenetage
10. AITJ For Wanting To Announce My Pregnancy 1 Week Before My Sister's Baby Shower?
“My sister (27f) is about 7 months pregnant and her baby shower is in a week. My husband (24m) and I (23f) are 8weeks pregnant exactly a week from her baby shower. We have known for 3 weeks and suck at hiding it so we were excited to announce it at 8 weeks.
Our plan was to tell our grandparents and close cousins and then post on social media. My coworkers are already suspecting I’m pregnant due to the symptoms I’m having, but I wanted them to find out over social media instead of me walking around at work making more of a deal about it saying I’m pregnant… Out of respect and being an overthinker I asked my pregnant sister and my other sister (20f) what they thought of our plan (hoping for encouragement because we are only 8 weeks, but don’t want to hide it anymore).
My other sister doesn’t think we should because then the baby shower won’t be about my pregnant sister. My pregnant sister also responded wanting the day to be just about her and doesn’t want people asking about my pregnancy.
My husband and I are bad liars and if anyone asks us when we are planning kids etc, my husband doesn’t want to lie to our family members. I understand where my pregnant sister is coming from, but I really don’t think anyone would ask her about me.
Especially since I would be there.
I believe our family is pretty respectful in knowing that the baby shower is for her and it’s about her. The worse I see happening is them congratulating us… which I think would be better than my husband giving away that we are pregnant at her shower.
I honestly don’t know if I should post anyway and be excited for ourselves or not post since my Mom doesn’t agree with my sister as well… I do feel like part of the excitement has been taken from it at this point…
Am I the jerk for wanting to post it 1 week before her baby shower? Or is she the jerk for wanting me to wait until after her baby shower? She did say I could tell the family who is in town the same day as the baby shower (the baby shower is during the day 2 pm-4 pm) over dinner.
UPDATE: I already knew I wasn’t going to when she preferred I waited though she did say I can do whatever I want etc. I just wanted to see some unbiased opinions so thank you to those who were kind and offered good information.
2ND UPDATE: I’m not an upstaging type of person. I hide in the shadow of things. This is an exciting time for me as well so, of course, I wanted to share that excitement with everyone in my life.
We were already planning 8 weeks would be OUR announcement time (I understand miscarriages can happen – we are healthy adults, good age, heartbeat was already there about 6 weeks and strong – yes could still happen).
It’s our decision if we want to post in our 1st trimester which is fine.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry but of course, people will bring it up.
‘Oh, won’t it be so nice to have cousins close in age!’ ‘Oh, sister you should pass that on to OP if she also has a boy/girl.’ ‘How lucky you are going through this together.’ ‘Did you guys plan this?’ ‘Wow, your family must just be thrilled.’
All of that will likely get said or a variation. It’s normal and expected. By announcing days before her shower you are actively inviting people to lump you together instead of allowing her an afternoon.
You asked your sisters hoping for validation and weren’t given it. You’ve asked random strangers to override your sisters and most haven’t. I think it’s time to accept that as excited as you are, yes, this is not the right thing to do in your family.
I understand others may feel differently but the societal norm is not to ‘steal her thunder’ and your family has verified they don’t feel differently.
You are experiencing an exciting time and your moment and your shower will come.
In the meantime, wait 8 days and let your sister have a moment. Your pregnancy should be celebrated but so should your sister’s. There’s no need to share right this second.
You don’t have to ‘lie’.
Omit. If someone is asking you (which to be honest is rude) you can answer truthfully… oh we are hoping soon. Being here for sure made me want a baby yesterday! You don’t have to act like you don’t want a baby ASAP.
You can be forthcoming about being excited to be parents in the near future but that you’re excited to be an aunt and uncle first.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you went through with it 1 week before her shower.
I don’t really think you’re a jerk because you did have the thought to run it by them and not just drop a surprise like that. And as much as you think everyone would be focused on her, I’m almost positive there would be comments such as ‘how cool that they are going to be cousins so close in age… they’ll be best friends… sisters pregnant at the same time!!’ It’ll likely feel like it’s about both of you rather than just her.
No one will be doing it thinking the thunder will be stolen from her but she may feel like you swooped in and made the day about yourself too. You’ll get to have your own shower where it’ll be about you so I’d let your sister get this day for herself.
This also makes it so you will get your own special time where all the hype is about you and isn’t shared. If anyone asks just tell them you can’t wait for it to happen or something like that.
Not exactly lying so it should be easier to pull off keeping the secret.” Afire2285
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s literally the week before her shower. You can wait until the week right after.
The DAY right after. Just let that one day be about her without the overshadowing of another one on the way. The whole day all anyone is gonna say is stuff like ‘looks like we’ll all be together again for OP in a few months’ and ‘good thing you’re getting XYZ as a present, you can hand it down to OP when her baby is born right after!’ and stuff like that to your sister and other people.
Whether you tell people to not bring attention to it or not, it’s going to happen because it is a good thing that your family SHOULD be excited about. Don’t you want to give them the info at a proper time so that a) they can express that excitement without offending your sister and b) they don’t have to wait to show how happy they are thus depleting some of the initial excited energy?
Plus your husband is an adult. That whole ‘I don’t wanna lie to my family’ thing is nonsense. Maybe not in an intentionally jerky kinda way, but it’s just an excuse to get to tell the secret he so badly wants to let out.
I know it’s really wonderful news that y’all wanna share, but that’s rude of you two if you do it. Imagine if your sis had announced her pregnancy at your wedding rehearsal or something, you’d be excited but really hurt.” experiment525
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex To Have Our Daughter Overnight After He Got Her Ears Pierced?
“I am the mother of a six-year-old girl, my Ex-Husband has her stay with him every second weekend of the month. She has been wanting her ears pierced for a long time but I think she is too young, I’ve told her she can get them done when she is ten but it doesn’t stop her from asking.
When I picked her up last Sunday I found he’d gotten her ears pierced, at Claire’s of all places… I got really angry I won’t deny that, I asked him why he’d done this and he had no right to do so without consulting me.
He told me she’s old enough to get it done and she asked him, that as she’s his daughter he had a right to do this with her.
I just don’t feel like I can trust him anymore if he’d do this behind my back.
I grounded my daughter for the week for asking him when she knew she wasn’t allowed but she’s a child, he doesn’t have that excuse. I’m not sure I want him to have her overnight anytime soon and I’m planning to consult my Lawyer over this.
My family thinks I’m overreacting as it’s ‘just’ earrings but I honestly feel I can’t trust him as a co-parent anymore, and it’s even worse that he took her to Claire’s which has a horrible reputation for their piercings.
AITJ in this scenario? Am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First off, you punished your daughter for asking her other parent for something when you said no? Seriously, what kid doesn’t do that?
Second, it sounds like you are the bad parent. You made an arbitrary decision without talking to your ex to make sure you were on the same page. Assuming that you share custody, this is his daughter too and he has a say in things like this.
You weren’t willing to compromise and set an arbitrary age. This would have been worth a conversation with your ex to make sure you were on the same page.
You’re going way overboard taking away your daughter over something like ear piercings.
As far as getting her ears pierced at Claire’s… well, I got both of mine done at Claire’s. It was fine. If I got another one done, I’d probably go to a tattoo parlor or a piercing salon, but it’s not the end of the world.” StarWars_Girl_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – at first I was going to say otherwise but 1) she’s not old enough to take care of them on her own and since you are basically a single parent 90% of the time, that’s now on you.
And they WILL get infected if not cared for properly. 2) I’d be furious if I missed out on a milestone thing like this as a parent. And for all you naysayers, it IS a big deal as in exciting and often a rite is of passage for little girls (I was a little girl AND I used to pierce ears as a second job in the mall wayyy back in the day).
I don’t think it’s a trust issue. I’m assuming your ex knew you were against it and that totally sucks for him to do it. Don’t wrap it in a larger trust safety issue.
I also think though YTJ for punishing your daughter. Her dad to her is seen as able to make this decision. She’s 6…” Mskittykat1000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you want to throw your funds down the drain by hiring a lawyer in an attempt to get your husband’s parenting time reduced because he allowed his 6-year-old to get something that is perfectly appropriate for a 6-year-old (except Claire’s part – I’m with you on that but I doubt he knew about the dangers of piercing guns), then by all means, throw away the funds.
If your kid is old enough to be ‘wanting her ears pierced for a long time,’ your kid is old enough for pierced ears. You have absolutely no good justification for your arbitrary decision that 10 years old is the magic number for ear piercing.
You’re also a major jerk for thinking that ‘grounding’ is an appropriate consequence for a six-year-old for asking her dad for something she’s been wanting. Grounding is what you do when your 16-year-old lies and says they are sleeping over at Kimmy’s house but are really drinking booze in the woods.
Not when your kid asked their dad something their mom said no to.
You’d probably call CPS if you found out what age I was when my mom took me to get a belly button ring.
Edited to Add: On second thought, PLEASE take your ex to court over this so he can get his own attorney and fight for shared legal custody and parenting time. And then sue you for attorney fees.” BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had every right to be angry that he didn’t consult you. I don’t agree with your opinion about it being too young, I think when they’re old enough to ask permission and understand how to care for them is a good age.
However, that actually has nothing to do with my NTJ judgment. You’re NTJ because he’s throwing in your face that he has a right to do it.
After all, she’s his daughter, but she’s just as much your daughter and you have a say as well.
When she asked him, he should’ve called you up and asked if you thought it was okay. You have primary custody. You are the main caretaker. You are the one who will have to teach her how to care for this piercing and deal with any complications that may arise from it, like an infection or allergic reaction.
You should have been consulted. And I think people are misunderstanding why you don’t want her to stay overnight… not as a punishment to him, but out of concern for your daughter.
You don’t feel that he will make the right decisions for her and your momma bear instincts are kicking in.” maloudin
8. AITJ For Saying At A Recruiting Event That I'm Always Trotted Out As The "Token Girl" Engineer?
“I work at a tech company. I’m one of two women in a technical role, and the other is very introverted and wouldn’t be great at recruiting.
So every time there’s a recruiting event, I get voluntold for it. It was especially frustrating for me because my whole team is under crunch time and a day I spend recruiting is a day I have to make up later.
I was at a recruiting event at a local college, and a young woman who was thinking of applying asked how the diversity at my company was, it looked good from our panel and promotional materials.
(Side note… Almost every person of color, woman, or queer presenting person on the promo materials has either quit or never worked there in the first place.)
I answered honestly in front of a small group ‘Well, there are two women in technical roles, and as one of them it sometimes feels like working two jobs.
One as an engineer, and one as the ‘token girl engineer’ who gets pulled away from work for every photo op, or recruiting event. Honestly, if you like being a trailblazer and are prepared to take on the extra unspoken PR as the ‘girl engineer’, you might find a role here fulfilling, but if you prefer keeping your head down to focus on the technical side, it is easier to do that at a company where there is more gender and racial diversity.’
She appreciated my honesty but the manager who was running the event told me to leave. I have a meeting with HR and my manager tomorrow. I don’t think my opinion will be any news to them as I’ve already told them I’m not interested in being assigned to photo ops or recruiting disproportionately because of my gender, and I’ve been told that it’s ‘important’ for me to be there to help recruit a more diverse staff since the company is trying to improve.
I feel like they’re mad that I said the quiet part out loud at the recruiting event… But it was an honest answer to the question, and I keep on being brought to these things for my ‘unique perspective’ and whatnot.
I think they might also see themselves as doing something good, trying to do outreach to a more diverse applicant pool, and see me as ruining that.
AITJ for what I said about my job?
Edit – I had the meeting. I recorded it with their consent even though that was hard to come to an agreement on.
I basically said that as I understood it, they had asked me to recruit because they want more female applicants and felt I could help recruit in a way the men on the team wouldn’t.
And that they wanted me there to share my unique perspective as a woman in the field, is that correct?
My manager and HR confirmed that.
I said that that role is often referred to as a ‘trailblazer’ but is also often referred to as a ‘token’ of a certain gender or race.
But either way, the role was to publicly present the diversity of the company. And as I understood it, that was a part of my role, as mandated by management. To assist them in recruiting other women.
I said I was asked about my experience by a potential applicant, and I answered in what I felt was an honest way. Saying:
- There are two women here
- I feel that on top of a technical role, my role here as a woman is to be a trailblazer or token for other women.
- If that dual role appeals to you, this would be a good fit. If a purely technical role appeals to you, this may not be a good fit.
I see this as similar to how other recruiters say ‘this is a very fast-paced role, if you enjoy that role you would be a good fit but if you do not, you may not be.’ And I was wondering why I had been called to meet when other employees who had described the role and the sort of person they want to fill the role, have not been.
The HR guy said that ‘token’ was often seen as having a negative connotation and I was deterring applicants.
I said that ‘fast-paced’ is also seen as negative to people with outside obligations, for example.
And I didn’t understand why being frank about the nature of my role was a problem. In fact, recruiters are often encouraged to be frank to attract candidates who are genuinely good matches.
It would help attract the sort of woman who would like to be a ‘token female engineer’ and deter the type of woman who would not.
My manager got frustrated and raised his voice to say ‘NOBODY WANTS TO BE A TOKEN!’ And honestly, I just looked at him with a ‘no kidding’ face but said ‘That doesn’t really track with your previous comments, you’ve frequently said that I should be proud to represent the company and that I am much needed at these events.
It sounded like you see it as an admirable and much-appreciated role.’
He said I was being ‘a smarty pants’ and I said ‘I apologize but I’m frustrated by a number of the contradictions in the messaging around this role.
That I should be frank about the job expectations to recruit good fitting candidates, however, I should not be frank about my personal job expectations? Despite never having that been communicated to me?
Hearing that I should be proud and happy to represent the company as a female engineer to attract other women? But then hearing that nobody wants to be in my shoes and that if I describe my role I will deter applicants?
To hear that the company is making efforts towards diversity, however, that effort doesn’t seem to continue to retention, as this year, four female employees quit, two were hired, and then rapidly quit… This is a retention rate far lower than average.
I’m frankly confused by what my role in this company is. Do you want an engineer or do you want a token?’
My manager snapped at me and said that I am an engineer.
I said ‘I would like my job duties to reflect that.’
The HR guy said that I wouldn’t be permitted to publicly represent the company anymore. I said okay. (Very not mad at that…)
So… I feel like my manager is ticked off, but I’m well along in the interview process with several other companies. So hopefully that won’t be a problem anymore. I’m not quitting till I have a new offer signed but I’m not too concerned if I get fired and get unemployment.”
Another User Comments:
“Token BIPOC chiming in here. I’m in Seattle and see this a LOT. The thing that irritates me the most about these companies is they always try to argue ‘Well, how are we supposed to make the company more diverse then???’
The way to attract a diverse workforce is by contributing to and proving that you care about their interests and the things that affect them. You have to show you care about them as people.
It’s not rocket science, but for some reason, many many companies think it’s impossible to achieve. Diverse applicants will come to companies that do this on their own.
They are misleading applicants with false advertising and expecting you to be a Stepford show pony that falls in line and gives a rehearsed speech.
They are assigning you extra work that it sounds like your male counterparts are not receiving since you have to make up the work time on actual projects.
If they want to say something in the meeting, let them know they need to provide you incentive pay for participating in recruitment since you are being prevented from doing your actual job by being there.
If it were me since I’m super petty, I’d come ready with a presentation about diversity in the workplace and how I’m so glad they’re ready to have a serious conversation about ways to improve the company.
I did that at my last job and forced them to let me start a diversity committee.
NTJ, OP.” bjorn_mangosson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I am deeply impressed with what you did.
Mid/long term you will probably have to leave the company but by the sound of it, this is not a loss at all. At least for you. And you taught the women at the fair an important lesson in the job hunt: diverse photos =/= diverse company.
Better check the leader’s board, the ‘who we are’ page with photos or similar pages. If the only woman in leadership is the HR person (ideally that person is also the only non-white – why do 2 diversity hires when you can check both boxes in one?
Takes less well-deserved opportunities from white men /s) then you know much more about the culture than any promotion material can ever tell you.
Also thank you for the word ‘voluntold’. Such a useful addition to my vocabulary!!!
And sad how often it applies to my job.
Another horrible sign for women at a new company is if the company makes a huge deal out of raising their leadership from within and then you start counting.
80+% of employees are women, 80+% of leaders are men. Happened at 3/4 companies I worked for. And they still believed that only talent mattered for promotion, not gender. Laughable.” Crystal010Rose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and it is not your job to be a happy token recruiter.
There are plenty of people that will volunteer to do these events, and anyone organizing one and ‘voluntelling’ anyone to go is asking for this. These events are hard, they’re intense and mentally and physically draining.
You told them that you didn’t want to and why, and they ignored you. They really need to get their heads out of the sand, what else are they ignoring about how ‘diverse’ they actually are?
What you said wasn’t ‘unprofessional,’ it was honest, which these events really need more of, but that’s why I don’t do them anymore lol. People know when they’re being lied to or pandered to.
It’s actually really refreshing in recruitment or researching companies to actually hear some hurdles that the company or job might have. It’s realistic, and it does show the company is cognizant of it and trying.
It wouldn’t have scared me away from your company.
I want to say to come into the meeting with other ways they could attract more diversity, but you know what, that’s not your job either.” pbrandpearls
7. AITJ For Making My Niece And Nephew Eat Their Food?
“I’m 21m. I grew up in a family where whatever was on the plate you eat it or you would go hungry for the night. Anyways my point is my niece and nephew are twins (5yr) and tonight they had a decent dinner (to me, that is I liked it) but they said they were allergic to the food which they aren’t bc I’ve seen them eat it before (Asada tacos).
And they liked it but tonight they didn’t and I told them to eat it or no TV. And so I turned their cartoons off and they cried and yelled and called me mean and a bully bc I wouldn’t turn it on till they ate the food (they watch cartoons till the food gets cold).
And bc they started crying my sister came in and called me a jerk for making them cry and she gave them a hot dog and said it was fine. I told her that’s a waste of food and kids starve and you’re going to throw it away?
My sister then said it’s her kids she does what she wants. Am I in the wrong for making them eat the food on the plate that my sister, dad, grandma, and I have all been through which is eating all the food on the plate?
EDIT: My sister told me to make the Asada tacos specifically.
Edit#2: Took the advice and told my sister I’m no longer cooking for her kids. Now she got mad bc I would let her kids starve lol she needs help.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Forcing a child to eat all the food on their plate isn’t healthy. It’s fine if you decide not to make them something else – they won’t actually starve.
And if they were telling you they weren’t hungry believe them, even if the last time they ate was hours ago. Either they are lying and will learn not to lie or they are telling the truth.
My child would sometimes not eat for the entire evening, my pediatrician said young children will commonly have days where they need to eat next to nothing and not force it. Some days they barely eat, other days they consume more food than the Rock.
I don’t think you are a huge jerk btw. I think you’re someone who doesn’t know much about kids because you don’t have to and because your sister can’t teach you due to being an inconsistent parent.
But now you know to be more mindful of how you approach food with the twins. Just because it’s always been a certain way doesn’t make it right.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The tacos could have been saved for another meal or snack. Their taste buds are changing and their preferences will change constantly. If you were told what you had to eat all day every day and when you had to eat, there are times you just might not be hungry or might not want what is offered. This is how you break bad cycles, you do what your sister did.” holisarcasm
6. AITJ For Not Giving Our Neighbors The Keys To My House?
“My wife (23F) and I (24M) just moved into our house a couple of months ago and we don’t know anybody here. We’re leaving town for a couple of weeks and we had an argument about if we should give someone the keys to our house.
She thinks that because we are leaving for an extended time, there may be some catastrophic emergency, so we should give someone our keys. I disagreed and asked her if she could give me any logical reason as to why someone would need to get into our house.
She didn’t so I walked away. She said I’m thinking way too deep into it and ‘it’s not that serious.’ She is now snapping at me and giving me the cold shoulder.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but could you at least try to get to know your neighbors a little? You said yourself that you’ve been living there for months and I can’t imagine living so close to someone and them not knowing at least what I look and sound like.
It’s not just friendly to meet all your neighbors when you move into a new place, it’s also for security purposes.
Just a totally un-fun scenario that can (and does) happen: Some random homeless person realizes your house is vacant for an extended period of time.
He breaks in during the day and squats there. He comes out every once in a while, retrieves the mail/newspaper, goes grocery shopping (it’s probably all booze and Cheez-its), and just lives there while you’re away.
Your neighbors don’t know it’s not you, because they have no idea what y’all look like and you’ve never introduced yourselves. When you get home an unspecified length of time later, this guy could claim that the house is his, and the witnesses you would need in court to prove that he’s not you, have no idea what you actually look like.” GardeningGamerGirl
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – She is right, someone needs to check on your house if you are going to be gone for multiple weeks. A pipe could burst, heating/cooling could malfunction, etc. But giving your house keys to strangers just because they live in close proximity to you is not a good idea.
Look for a reputable and bonded company that offers house sitters. There are lots of websites that offer this type of service. They get a key and check the house a couple of times while you are gone.
If you had lived there longer, you would have a better sense of potential problems that could arise and how to mitigate them, and this might not be necessary (e.g. my parents’ ice maker has a habit of backing up and overflowing, so they know to turn it off before leaving for extended trips).” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in that you’re right, no one needs a key to your house, but – she was worried about something and you basically just told her that you don’t care and that her fears are irrational. And yeah, they probably are, but she’s your partner and deserves a certain amount of respect.
So do you, and she shouldn’t be snapping at you either, but when you dismissed what she was saying about the keys, you kind of shut down any avenue of communication she had to talk about how she might be feeling.
And therefore the cold shoulder.
Learn how to talk to each other. Learn how to argue. I promise it’s worth it.” acciophilautia
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She is right there should be a way for somebody to get into the house.
Put on either a programmable lock or a lockbox on the front door. See that somebody in the neighborhood has your phone number and ask them to text you in case of disaster (tree falls on a house, backyard full of water).” Jewish-Mom-123
You're not the jerk for feeling it unreasonable to give your keys to someone you don't know. However, your wife has a point in that someone should be given access to your house in case something happens while you're gone for weeks at a time. My mom had the second key to my apartment when she was still alive, and I have a key to my dad's house. If there are family or any friends who live near you, ask one of them to check out the house for you on a regular basis and give them the keys so that they can check out the inside as well (cuz things do happen). This way, you are satisfied by not giving the keys to a stranger, and your wife is satisfied that the house is being looked after.
Also, y'all need to sit down when you're calmer and have a chat about communication. She shouldn't be snapping at you, but you walking away doesn't help.
5. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Leave The House So I Can Play Poker?
“My wife and I have been married for 16 years. I’m a 42m and she’s a 41f. We have two girls; 13 and 12.
Soon after we were married we kind of made a deal. My wife is huge into scrapbooking.
I really don’t even know much about it, but it’s her thing and I’m glad she enjoys it. She told me that about once a month she’s going to kick me out of the house so that she and her friends can scrapbook together, drink some wine, and just have fun.
I told her fine, just as long as she understands that every so often I’m going to want a golf, hunting, or fishing weekend with my buddies, and as long as it’s not interfering with something important or that I don’t do it too often that I don’t want to get a hard time about it.
I still remember the conversation and her saying ‘Yes. Fair. Deal.’
Over the years she’s definitely made me hold up my end of our bargain; which I’ve had no problem with. And when our girls came along it gave me the chance to either bring them over to my parents so that they could visit their grandkids or take them for pizza or ice cream and to catch a movie with them.
It’s actually created some very fond memories for me. But, now the girls are getting older and usually just go to a friend’s house or something, and I usually just end up going to see a movie or having a couple of drinks at the bar by myself.
As far as those ‘guy’s weekends’ that I’d originally envisioned; they haven’t really panned out that much. Most of my old buddies from back then have scattered and we don’t really keep in touch that much anymore.
Botton line; I just haven’t had nearly as many ‘guy weekends’ as I thought I would.
However I’ve picked up new buddies over the years at my job, and one thing we like to do is have poker night fairly often.
We’ve never had one at our house, and recently I volunteered for it. When I told my wife about it, though, I got pushed back. She’s kind of a homebody and said on a Friday night after a long work week that the last thing she wanted was to get kicked out of her own home and have to go figure out something to do with herself.
I reminded her of all the times I’d been kicked out so that she could scrapbook but she responded that this was different; that there were years of precedent for it, and that I’d agreed to it.
But she said that she’d never agreed to let me host poker night for the guys. It turned into a pretty big argument.
She’s being kind of unfair and selfish as far as I’m concerned, but I can’t argue that at least technically I’ve agreed to get kicked out of the house for scrapbooking while she never agreed to get kicked out for poker night.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Not because you guys expect each other to leave the house for events like this; if that’s how y’all wanna do it and it generally works for you, great.
You both suck because you’re clinging stubbornly to what you want and aren’t willing to see each other’s side. She sucks because she’s not seeing that it’s patently unfair for her to kick you out regularly while you also have to leave to spend time with your friends.
You suck because you know the deal was never that you would kick her out, and because you’re proposing doing it on Friday nights. If she’s a homebody and she wants to relax after a workweek, being kicked out of her house is pretty much the opposite of that.
You also suck for volunteering your house before running it by her. There’s a compromise here and a way that you can both treat each other with love and respect, and for some reason, neither one of you wants to see it.” InterminableSnowman
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. This is one of those cases where it’s not that what you are asking for is unreasonable, but you went about it in a trashy way.
It is reasonable that you want to be able to have similar ‘friends over, house to yourself’ nights, but this should have been a discussion before you started making plans because it is a change to your original agreement.
As you describe it, the weekends away aren’t happening because your friends/you don’t want to do them, not because your wife doesn’t let you. From her perspective, she is holding up her end of the deal – she’d be fine with your weekend trips if you were taking them.
Because your original vision fell through, it’s okay to want to change it, but that needs to be an ASK, not a tell. It’s very understandable that your wife did not react well to you suddenly demanding the agreement be altered with no conversation about it.
You two need to sit down and work out a new arrangement that works for you both.
An idea: maybe when you have your poker nights, your wife and daughters could do a bonding thing like you used to do with them – the three of them get a hotel room together and watch movies, etc, have a mother-daughters sleepover thing.” Bailzasaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t think you’re out of line and I do think she should be willing to give you this, but to be fair, the agreement was you leaving the house in BOTH scenarios.
Even if it wasn’t originally poker nights.
Does she not trust the house will be clean when she returns maybe and doesn’t want to have to come home and then clean? I totally understand her feelings as I wouldn’t want to be kicked out on a Friday night either.
Especially if she doesn’t have much notice to make plans (you weren’t clear on how much-advanced notice you gave). But maybe you can help her out. Gift her a spa treatment that night or something.
Again, NTJ because you’re entitled to this time and space in your own home but it IS a change to the original agreement. Does she have to leave? Can she just enjoy Netflix in the bedroom?
I feel like there are some other options here to appease everyone. You wanna hang out with the guys, she wants to stay home. Both things can happen.
Also, I need to add… clinging to a 16-year-old agreement instead of compromising and adapting over time is kind of ridiculous.
Relationships require some level of flexibility and saying we agreed to XYZ 16 years ago so it has to stand is kind of immature.” somebodys_problem
Another User Comments:
“YTJ or there are no jerks here.
First off, you don’t ever offer to host a social function in a shared space without asking first, especially if you need the other person to do something for it. The previous agreement had her covered because you knew about it and nothing was required of you other than to be gone or to take care of your children.
You, instead, decided to change the rules and invite people BEFORE speaking with her.
Two, this makes it kinda clear she’s a stay-at-home kinda person and you’re a go-out and have fun kinda person; the previous agreement let you both express this side of yourself and have time to yourself.
You bringing people home puts her in a different, possibly uncomfortable position. What is she supposed to do? What does she enjoy? Where’s her hunting trip, now that you’ve got crafting? You’ve now made the agreement unequal. While I feel for you and I get wanting to also get time for yourself and your interests, when you got less than you thought you would, you definitely don’t go about it this way.
No jerks here for how both of you feel, YTJ for the way you went about it.” Agender_Mango
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Daughter To Be Friends With My Bully's Daughter?
“So my daughter is 4 years old. She started going to preschool this fall. Everything was great, her teacher said she has friends and gets along with others well.
In January of this year, she started non-stop talking about the new girl in her class ‘Jasmine’. How they were best friends and played together and drew together. She never stopped talking about what her friend Jasmine was doing or saying.
I loved that she seemed to be making her first real friend. Usually, my husband does pick-up and drop-offs since I work crazy hours. I usually only do one or the other once or twice a week.
Last week I’m picking up my daughter and there were only three kids left to be picked up. This is the first time I met Jasmine as she was one of the other kids.
As I’m packing up my daughter’s lunchbox and getting her coat on we hear Jasmine yell mommy and I turn and see the last person I thought I would.
The girl that bullied me throughout middle school and high school for my lisp and acne.
Who caused me to have low self-esteem and so much more issues. She eventually moved away in the middle of senior year and it was like a breath of fresh air. My life improved so much after she was gone.
Never did I think that 8 years later I would be seeing her again. And especially not under these circumstances.
We didn’t say anything to each other as our daughters said goodbye. I told my husband about it and he was also shocked. My daughter has been begging to hang out with Jasmine because she’s had a few hangouts with a few other girls in her class but she said Jasmine is her best friend and she wants to see her and for me to talk to her mommy.
And she wants a sleepover with Jasmine and her other friends and this at that and to talk to Jasmine’s mommy and that she doesn’t have a daddy. I told my daughter I was but I don’t actually plan to because I don’t want to speak to her mom.
I don’t care if she and Jasmine are friends inside class and school but outside I don’t want them hanging out because I don’t want to deal with talking to my bully.
I told my sister about it thinking she would sympathize knowing how badly she bullied me but she said I’m being so childish and needed to move on and to just drop ‘high school drama’ and I’m too old to care about being bullied over my daughter’s happiness.
And that it’s been years and as a mother, I should put my daughter first if she’s so close to this girl. And that I’m being a huge jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not gonna call you a jerk, but don’t punish Jasmine and indirectly your daughter for something Jasmine’s mom did nearly a decade ago. It isn’t fair to your daughter or her best friend.
I’m truly so sorry for how your bully impacted your life and how much hurt she caused you, but Jasmine isn’t her mom. And she’s your daughter’s best friend.
Be the bigger person for your daughter’s sake.” Vandanah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is just a thought but maybe your bully is thinking ‘well, now karma is coming to bite me in the butt because I bullied the mom of my daughter’s best friend so now my past actions are hurting my daughter.’ Right?
I mean she’s an adult now and maybe, just maybe she regrets how she treated you but now doesn’t know what to do. So what I suggest (besides the very excellent suggestions made to have your husband deal with her) is to talk to her and feel her out.
At least try for the sake of your little girl. She can’t hurt you. You have the power of knowing she was probably very troubled if she was a bully in her childhood.
(I gave you a not the jerk because I don’t think this has fully played out yet… you are thinking it over and that’s normally not a jerk.)” blueberryxxoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a really tough situation. You were traumatized by her mother. Of course, you don’t want the kids to have the consequence. But the residual impact of so much cruelty is a very real thing and it harms you.
If I were you, I would figure out a way of not finding out other people’s opinions in your life but instead going real low contact and easy-going and realize that if you don’t make too big a deal out of it your daughter won’t double down on the relationship.
You can also set limits. You can just explain to her after discussing it with your husband the parents just decide what they think is best for their kids and not to worry that when she gets to be an adult she can do anything she wants.
But for now, every single kid is carefully taken care of in the best way possible by their parents.
If Jasmine‘s mother gets in touch with you, your husband can handle it and he can carefully check out the amount of supervision and the style of parenting and you can sound very moderate while you figure this out.
And no sleepovers. It’s OK for you to make these decisions. You’re not doing anything mean to Jasmine, you’re not being unfair to your kid. You are working out the Rubiks cube of navigating a complicated situation.
Be careful how you talk to people about it. They won’t understand and they won’t honor what it’s like to have had this experience. And be moderate about it so your kid doesn’t pick up on all your feelings so she doesn’t double down and the situation.
Our kids know that’s what we’re afraid of and what we’re anxious about and it makes them want to go and check it out even more. Period.” mcclgwe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you continue to follow through on this. I think you’re initial reaction and even your desire for your daughter to not be friends with your bully’s kid is understandable. Bullying can be very traumatizing that carries over well into adulthood but you shouldn’t make your daughter carry that burden.
I don’t know who else around can help you but ask someone else to make arrangements while you mentally and emotionally prepare that you’re eventually going to interact with her.” Ilsaddaeng
3. WIBTJ For Taking My Neighbor's Dog To The Pound?
“I’m not planning on just stealing their dog and taking it to the pound if that’s what you’re thinking.
A couple of weeks ago now, our neighbor’s dog broke our connecting fence, along with the neighbor’s side fence that encloses their backyard.
It’s been a few weeks now, the neighbors haven’t fixed their fence, and they aren’t doing anything to secure their dog in their yard. And so the dog keeps coming into our yard.
We popped some heavy stuff we had in our yard in front of the hole in the connecting fence to stop it from getting through, but it’s been coming around through the front (our side gate doesn’t lock, and we’re renters).
We’ve been taking the dog back next door on an almost daily basis, but it’s been getting out at night and bothering us, and last night I had to get up at 3:30 am and take it next door, asking the neighbors what will have to be the last time now to secure their dog.
My housemates are telling me to just leave it, but the dog is getting into our yard, damaging our outside furniture, and interrupting our sleep, and the neighbors aren’t doing anything about it.
So, if the dog comes into our yard again, WIBTJ for taking it to the pound?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… for now. Yeah, it would work but there are plenty of other options to try first. Maybe warning them that you’re thinking about it, or threatening to call the police for the damages.
If all else fails and nothing changes then you did everything in your power to try and prevent that outcome. Doing it now though would be throwing gasoline on a fire, sure it would fix the problem but you’d get a LOT more issues as a result.
Perhaps record or make notes about how each option goes and if it doesn’t work then go nuclear. When the fallout comes you then have your butt covered to show that you tried everything you could to prevent that.” Few-Cookie9298
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Neighbor is a major jerk. But taking the dog to the pound is like dropping a nuke. You can’t really recover from that. If you thought the neighbor was bad before they will be out for b***d after that.
Strongly recommend you talk to your landlord and inform them of the situation before things escalate.” TahiniInMyVeins
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, although your neighbor is currently the jerk.
You should tell your neighbor to fix the fence ASAP and secure the dog immediately, or you will call the police and then animal control.
If they refuse to do it, then call the police first… then animal control. Under no circumstance should you just take the dog to the pound? It’s not the dog’s fault. Your gripe is with the neighbor.” tysontysontyson1
2. AITJ For Uninviting My Parents To My Wedding?
“My (23F) fiancé Jake (27M) and I are getting married in three months. He proposed to me almost a year ago, just after my grad ceremony & I moved in with him as soon as the lease on my apartment was up.
We met in college, I was a freshman and he was a senior. We had 1 class together and knew each other just in passing. Sometimes I ran into him on campus, but we never really hung out.
He graduated the following May, and I didn’t meet him again until I was out bar crawling with my friends for the New Year just a few weeks after my 21st birthday.
We ran into him, he bought me a couple of drinks, and the rest is history.
My parents have always liked Jake. They say he’s well-mannered, intelligent, hard-working, etc. I’ve rarely heard criticism from them about him until 2 weeks ago when my parents came over to have dinner and mom brought along my HS yearbook.
She told me she finally found it (my parents moved while I was in college and a lot of things are still boxed up or misplaced) and she wanted to share these memories with Jake, then asked if he happened to have his own yearbook.
Surprisingly, he did, it was tucked away in a box of stuff in a hallway closet. My mom saw it and got quiet, then asked Jake if he had an older brother. Jake doesn’t have any siblings, which she knows, so I was confused about why she asked. Then she pointed out the year on his yearbook and said ‘that’s 4 years before (my name) graduated.’ She was quiet for a few more seconds, then asked Jake if he graduated early, which made us both even more confused. When he said no, my mother’s face scrunched up and she asked Jake, verbatim, ‘Why are you with my baby girl?
Don’t you think you should be with someone your own age? Cradle robbers disgust me, you have no respect for your partners or their parents.’
Needless to say, Jake and I were shocked. Before I could say anything, she started flipping out, accusing Jake of manipulating me, then tried to drag me out of the house, shouting nasty insults at my fiancé.
I asked my dad to do something, but he seemed just as surprised by my mother’s outburst. He finally got up and tried to calm her, but it made her lash out even more.
I told her to get out of my house or I’d call the police and she finally left, but minutes later Jake & I were getting nasty texts from her. I blocked her number on our phones, leading to my father calling the next day, asking why I blocked mom.
I told him her behavior was inexcusable and that she was uninvited to my wedding. I also said she’s not allowed in my house or my life until she apologizes to us.
My father tried to defend her, saying I don’t understand everything and that I shouldn’t be so harsh. I uninvited him as well and have been ignoring his texts and calls.
Jake says I may have taken it too far, but I think he’s blaming himself for my mother’s behavior and wants to bend to make her happy. I don’t really know though, am I the jerk here?
UPDATE: How did your parents not know how old your fiancé is?: Honestly, it just never came up. My parents didn’t actually find out about my relationship with Jake until he proposed to me last May, and I didn’t tell them I was seeing him because I was waiting to be sure that Jake would stick around.
I was, and still am, in love with him, but I had a very bad experience in high school that made me reluctant to ever bring a man home again until I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
Is this normal for your mom?/Does your mother have mental issues?/You should take your mother to see a doctor: My parents, as well as I, have been seeing a doctor (and other necessary health professionals) regularly for check-ups pretty much our entire lives.
Aside from my father’s cholesterol and my mother’s near-sightedness, we’re all in good health. My mother has never had such a shocking or seemingly baseless outburst, but I don’t think it’s mental illness or dementia.
There’s no history of BPD, Alzheimer’s, or related conditions in her family as far as I know, but I am open to the idea that I could be wrong. I will tell my father to have my mother seen about in case this is a sign of a bigger issue, but I still don’t think that justifies her behavior and I still want an apology.
She disrespected me and my future husband in our home, and I won’t stand for that. She made a lot of nasty comments towards Jake both in person and in her texts/voicemails, as well as insisting that I was naive and ‘didn’t know any better’.
She said some things she can’t take back, in my opinion.
What is the age gap between your parents?: My parents are four months apart. My father was born in August 1978, and my mother was born in December 1978.
They grew up together, attended school together, and were high school sweethearts like my ex and me. My mother found out she was pregnant with me at 19, so she dropped out of college after one year and married my father pretty quickly after she learned she was pregnant.
You’re young and your mother probably isn’t ready to see you get married: That’s not it at all. My mother has been very excited about this wedding up until her outburst, and I’m four years older than she was when she married my father.
She’s helped me with wedding planning and has been telling me for weeks that she can’t wait to watch my father walk me down the aisle and give me away. I will admit she’s always been a bit protective of me, but that has less to do with normal parental concerns and more to do with how she thought I was going to die when she had me because I was born 12 weeks premature.
I’ve grown up to be just fine, physically speaking, but I can understand how a fear like that never really leaves you.
Was your mother ever harmed or taken advantage of?/You need to get a DNA test…: Honestly, I don’t know, but I don’t understand what that has to do with Jake and me, or our 4.5-year age difference.
Also, Jake is not adopted, nor is he related to me. His family is not even originally from America. He moved here with his parents when he was a kid.
You should at least keep in contact with your father./You need to speak to your father./You should ask your father ‘etc etc etc.’: I have taken this suggestion to heart and will be reaching out to my father tomorrow to meet sometime soon.
I never wanted to cut either of my parents out of my wedding, and I was hoping my threat would get them to at least reevaluate their behavior so we could talk about things when I felt ready.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – 4 years is a lot when one of you is 15. When you are both in your 20s it isn’t at all. Your mother is infantizing you, you are not a ‘baby girl’ and it is weird for her to refer to you like that.
She is way out of line, so far that I wonder if she is having some kind of emotional issue dealing with your marriage or growing up.
Give her a few days to talk to other people, they may set her straight since this is a very common and nonproblematic age difference and it was apparently a big surprise to her.
Cutting your dad out is understandable given the context but is needlessly escalating the conflict. The silent treatment or ignoring contact is a childish way to deal with this, and your new life with your fiance will be a lot lower stressful if you aren’t at war with your parents.
You just need to have a frank discussion with your Dad that you are an adult and are making adult life choices and all access to future grandchildren is through you and only you so they need to be polite and respectful with your spouse.
Don’t argue about the age gap, just insist on being ‘polite and respectful’. Then he can explain that to your Mom. Then you can graciously forgive them and not speak of it again if they correct their attitude and cut them out like rot if they don’t.” AModel3Owner
Another User Comments:
“I’d say NTJ, but need to ask if aside from this bizarre situation, do you generally have a good relationship with your parents? It seems like everything was pretty normal until this moment from your post. Having them disinvited to the wedding is kind of a relationship-ender, and I very much worry you will all come to regret it if this is the only super weird thing they’ve ever done.
It will be hard on them and you eventually, when you think back on your day. I know a couple of siblings, and one disinvited the other from her wedding over a fight, and they just never mended that relationship.
It broke everything.
To me, your mom’s reaction sounds like she relived some kind of trauma at that moment. I certainly understand your anger, she’s the jerk here, but if this was wildly out of character for her, I encourage you to reach out and talk to her.
Perhaps she was hurt and/or manipulated in a previous relationship in which the partner was much older. Your dad might know the details and is possibly just trying to protect your mom.
Help your mom see that your relationship isn’t like whatever she may have experienced. It might take her a while to fully come around, but I would re-invite them to the wedding and make sure they are clear that the day is about you, and they should only come if they plan to be supportive and kind.
This is all of course assuming you love your parents and usually have a good and normal relationship with them.” NaturalHistorical
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, I do think you were a bit harsh, and to be honest, your reaction was arrogant and typical of someone your age.
You’ll realize that when you get older/more mature. That said, you were justified to be upset at your mom for accusing your fiance of things, as he’s someone you love and intend to spend your life with.
That said, I think what ticked your mom off was realizing you were 18 years old and he was 22. And to be fair, I would also be weirded out by that if that was my daughter because 22-year-olds have had more time to solidify themselves whereas 18-year-olds are barely adults (to be honest, 18 is basically a child).
You being 21 and him being 25 is not a big deal nor is 23 and 27 (though I do think 23 is a bit young for 27), but the 18-22 gap is bigger and I also personally think 18 is a bit too young for 22.
That’s the nuance here a lot of people are missing. She’s just worried and looking out for you, and I think that’s reasonable considering how many men do prey on 18-21-year-olds.
BTW the average age gap is not 4 years, it’s more like 1-2 at the most. A lot of people here are claiming 4 years is nothing, but it’s not the most common gap.
My parents are a year apart but before they got together, a man twice my mom’s age tried manipulating her and all that. It happens quite a bit with women.” User
1. AITJ For Kicking A Friend Out Of My Car For A Comment She Made About Me?
“I’ve (25f) been told that I have a ‘perpetually confused/startled face’ on several different occasions. I think it’s just something about my face. People who saw my baby pictures would be like ‘omg you’ve looked like this since day 1.’ Anyways.
It is just a small thing that my friends and family would sometimes tease me with. It is a little bit annoying sometimes but it doesn’t bother me that much.
Today, an old friend of mine from college was in my area before she leaves for the airport, and wanted to meet up.
I picked her up during my lunch break and we went out for coffee. Then I needed to return to work, but she asked me if I could give her a ride to the airport after I’m off.
I agreed and even brought her back to my office so that she had a place to stay in the meantime (my place is rather far so I can’t drop her off there).
When I was working, she started chatting with my co-workers in the break room. After I was done with work, I asked her to wait for me in front of the building while I pull my car out.
I was saying bye to my co-workers, and one of them looked at me and was like, ‘You do have a perpetually confused/startled face, huh, I guess I never noticed.’
I immediately realized that my friend must have said something about my face to my co-workers.
I was so embarrassed, but also really upset. It is one thing to joke around about that amongst friends, but it is another thing to do so in a professional environment. Who knows if her comment will find a way to my boss?
I want my co-workers and my boss to take me seriously, and not as someone who looks ‘confused.’ After she got into my car, I asked her if she did make a comment on my look.
She laughed. I tried to tell her that I really did not feel comfortable that she did that at my work. She shrugged it off and told me it was not that big of a deal, that I was overreacting.
I eventually told her that I was not going to give her a ride anymore and asked her to get out of my car.
She was really upset with me. Apparently, she ended up paying a huge uber bill to get to the airport.
She also said that she couldn’t believe I put her in danger of missing her flight for such a harmless joke. One of our mutual friends told me that she didn’t mean to embarrass me or anything, and as we used to joke around, she had no way of knowing that this time would be so different.
I don’t know. Did I really overreact? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she had actually acknowledged the hurt she caused and validated your feelings, then I think you would have given her the ride.
Instead, she said unflattering things about you at your workplace, and when you brought to her attention that you do not like what she did, instead of being compassionate and remorseful, she laughed, gaslit you, blame shifted, mocked you, invalidated your feelings, and laughed at your expense.
To top it all off, she expected you to care more about her feelings and her flight than your feelings and your relationship with your colleagues.
She’s a narcissist at worst, and at best she’s just an insensitive jerk who would rather entertain people at someone else’s expense and act like it’s no big deal, rather than behave as a polite guest.
Please never speak to her again. You deserve a friend who will build you up when left alone with your co-workers, not make jokes at your expense.” Distinct_Pea_8801
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it was a harmless joke.
I’m sure your boss has seen your face before. As someone with ‘resting witch face’ and having people assume all the time that I’m angry, yeah I get your point of view but it’s not something you can change as it’s a part of you, own it.
And if you tell someone you will do something for them, don’t leave them stranded.” Kattiaria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Anyone who says ‘It’s not that serious’ after you tell them something they did was hurtful or offensive is a person who is intentionally dismissive of your feelings and intentionally not taking accountability for their actions.
Quite frankly the worst people I’ve met have used this line and I’ve always been correct because they turn out to be narcissistic and generally not good people.
You gave your friend the chance to explain why she did it.
You were doing her a favor and she’s old enough to know better being in a professional environment how to act. She LAUGHED at you and honestly good on you for putting her out of your car.
Actions have consequences and people need to understand when someone is being kind to you and doing you a favor that you shouldn’t be obnoxious to that person.
Your mutual friend defending her probably hasn’t reached full maturity yet and thinks that being ‘neutral’ or a ‘people pleaser’ is doing the right thing.
But it isn’t. Your friend did something that offended you and instead of her trying to understand why it hurt you or correct her behavior she mocked you and told you to get over it essentially and chauffeur her to the airport.
That’s not a friend that’s a trashy person.” SaltyBabushka
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You suck the most for never setting any sort of boundary about this. If it’s a common joke amongst your friends and you’ve not told them to keep it quiet, how on earth can you expect them to know when it’s ok to mention and when it isn’t?
She sucks because, once you made it clear that this specific instance bothered you, she should have respected that and not pointed out your overreaction.
You were both rude and she was dismissive, so yeah, I’d say everyone sucks here.” flyin_high_flyin_bi
