People Ask For Our Sentiments On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Getting Married Before My Sister After She Announced Her Wedding First?
“So my (25) sister (27) and I were as children always very competitive (in sports, grades..) but as I got older I didn’t want that anymore so I changed to a different sport and studied something completely different than her.
She then started to get competitive with our personal lives. She was always very passive-aggressive about me having a partner first. Later I moved together with my partner and she made mean comments about it all the time.
After a while, she found her perfect match and things got easier. I knew that she wanted to get married first and be the first one to have children and it didn’t bother me at all because I’m in no hurry.
Last Christmas she announced that she was getting married (in 2023) and I was really happy for her.
At the beginning of this month, my partner (26) and I got a call from his younger brother (24).
He was informed by his doctor that he has a very aggressive disease. We couldn’t believe it and went to his home to be there for him. My partner was the best man for his brother’s wedding (their dad passed away when they were little and they are very close).
It meant a lot to him. Last week my partner asked me if I would marry him. He said that he could understand if it was not that romantic but he said he wanted to marry while his brother is here and to have him as his best man.
I never cared about an expensive wedding with a lot of people and always wanted to have a nice day with the most important people in our life so I could totally get that.
I agreed because I love him and I also know how happy it would make his little brother. But I immediately knew that this would cause stress for my sister.
I called her (she knows that my partner’s brother is very sick) and told her about the proposal and that it will be only a small wedding this year (with her, my parents/grandparents and some friends) so she could still have this big wedding first. She got mad and called me jealous and that I’m using a dying person to get married first. I know that she was overreacting but I also feel bad because she announced it first and it means so much to her and I don’t want to ruin her moment.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being emotionally abused by your sister, and she’s been doing it for so long that you are now programmed to think you need to try to make her happy.
The sad thing is that she is not going to be happy no matter what you do – there will always be something wrong and you will spend your life chasing the unpleasant ‘dream’ of pleasing her unless you set some boundaries.
Don’t discuss this with her anymore – move forward with your lovely wedding, send her an invitation (or not, whatever you want) and refuse to discuss her ridiculous accusations.
It’s called setting boundaries. It’s going to be uncomfortable for you at first, but the more you do it, the more you will realize it is absolutely necessary.
Your sister may realize you won’t play her dumb competition game anymore, and back off – or she might not. It doesn’t matter. You sound like an absolutely lovely person – congratulations on your engagement and marrying a man who seems to understand the important things in life.” Jillaginn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s going to be engaged and ‘the bride to be’ for over a calendar year and she can’t even share a few months of that joy with you so that your husband can have his brother with him?
I get sister dynamics and I get that she feels put out about your earlier wedding somehow making hers ‘old news’ or sort of ‘been there done that’ to your family.
But she is also 27 years old and needs to learn to share.
You mentioned not knowing what to do to stop this – maybe you can try again to talk to her – alone, out for lunch not with your parents around.
Tell her what it’s been like to support your fiancé through this difficult time. Acknowledge her feelings – that yes this does mean she has to share some of the ‘brides to be’ glow with you, even though that was not your intention for doing this.
Then I’d suggest asking her how she wants to handle showers, engagement parties, invitations, etc. Offer to share costs and do fun ‘sister brides’ stuff or she can choose to keep everything totally separate.
Offer to coordinate. If she still can’t come around after a really sincere conversation then tell your parents you tried and that you won’t put up with any spoiled brat behavior from her.” MagnorRaaaah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister needs to grow up! The whole world does not revolve around her, contrary to her obvious opinion. That is not a you problem, that is a her problem.
So, have your wedding. Because all that matters is that you and your fiancé are happy with the ceremony that you both choose to have with the people you love the most, regardless of when!
That, unfortunately, means having it before hers, but it’s not something that can be helped. For her to even suggest that you’re using a dying person as an excuse to marry first is absolutely appalling, and she should be ashamed of herself!
His brother is GETTING WEAKER, for Pete’s sake! You’ve been much more gracious to your sister than I would be to mine in the same situation. That much I can say for certain.
I don’t have any patience for narcissistic drama queens. Not even if they’re blood-related. In fact, especially not if they’re blood-related. I have a sister like that. I went NC with that girl for a reason.
Good luck OP. I wish you a beautiful wedding day, that your BIL is well enough to attend, and many years of happiness together with your soon-to-be husband!” Snow-13
14. AITJ For Wanting To Tell My Brother's Fiancée About The Tracking App?
“My (f22) brother (m27) is currently engaged to his fiancée (f25). He bought his fiancée a new phone for valentine’s and asked my partner who’s trained in computer and software to install a hidden tracking app on the phone so she won’t see it or notice.
I overheard them talking and when I entered the room they went silent. I waited till my brother left and then talked to my partner. He denied having this conversation with my brother first then, admitted to installing the app on the phone.
I told him he and my brother were in the wrong because this is a huge breach of privacy.
He said he has nothing to do with it and advised me to stay out of it as well.
But I said I want to tell my brother’s fiancée. My partner argued with me about being nosy and intrusive and told me to stay out of it and let them deal with their own issues.
But I thought that was unfair to my future sister-in-law since she’s the one working, paying bills and rent and this is how she is treated? My partner told me to get out with this attitude and again, said I should stay off it because it does not in any way concern me.
I don’t know I feel horrible after hearing about what my brother did and since I have a good relationship with his fiancée I can’t help but feel guilty and want to tell her.
AITJ for wanting to tell her?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah NTJ but while you’re worried about your sister-in-law you need to be worried about you. Your partner inserted himself in their relationship by helping put a tracking device on her phone but then cusses at you and tells you to stay out of it.
The ‘men’ in your life sound like horrible insecure children. I think you need to expose both of them bc neither of them deserves you ladies. You have seen the red flags when it came to your brother so please don’t ignore the ones your partner is showing.
Also the next time he says to stay out of their relationship look at him and tell him, ‘You didn’t stay out of it, you put yourself right in the middle and you have the nerve to tell me to stay out of it?
Ok as soon as you erase whatever app you put on her phone then I’ll stay out of it.’ Go get your phone looked at bc he probably has this app on your phone.” 81darlenia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest, but you would be if you don’t tell her. Do you really want to be directly complicit in this very illegal breach of privacy?
Your brother is stalking her if he uses this app. That isn’t just a ‘relationship issue’ or a moderate jerk move – it’s illegal.
She 100 percent needs to know, and you both need partners who aren’t fine with criminal stalking of another adult.
This very much has everything to do with you, so don’t buy the ‘none of your business’ line. Not only would you also be to blame for being in the know about illegal activity if she finds out, but… has it occurred to you that you have a partner who both 1) can install something like this and 2) thinks it’s an acceptable thing to do?
It’s probable that you already have or at some point will have the same hidden tracking on YOUR phone if you show that you’ll roll over about this.
I’d suggest strongly that you, not roll over.
Tell the fiancee immediately. She might want to take her phone to the police.” Astarkraven
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your hopefully soon-to-be-ex had knowingly installed a secret tracking app on your brother’s hopefully soon-to-be ex-fiancee’s phone so your brother can digitally stalk her.
If they split do you think he will remove the software or continue to use it to spy on her and orchestrate chance meetings?
Both you and she need to get your devices checked and cleared of tracking apps, change all your passwords, and check that there are no trackers on your vehicle.
If your brother had concerns for his fiancee’s safety while she is out and about the mature thing would suggest they both have apps to track each other’s locations but it’s obvious he only wants to see where she goes and not have her see where he is.
If she didn’t want such an app he should respect her decision and trust her. If not, why is he engaged?” GeekyFreak07
13. WIBTJ If I Announced My Pregnancy?
“A month ago my mom (37) found out she is pregnant with her 10th child.
She announced it towards the end of January and everyone has been happy for her since she was told she couldn’t have any more kids because it was a health risk for her.
She takes every opportunity to let everyone know she is pregnant, like at my dad’s retirement when people were congratulating my dad for retiring from the military, she would change the subject to her having a baby.
It got old fast, we’re happy for her but she’s taking it too far.
On the 13th of February, my husband (21) and I (21) found out that we are expecting our second child as well.
This little one was a big surprise because we were told that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant again due to the complication of our daughter. We haven’t announced it to everyone, just really close family members like my parents and my in-laws.
When we told my mother she threw a fit. She began accusing us of trying to take attention off her and her ‘little miracle.’ Telling us that we got pregnant just to spite her and that we shouldn’t say anything about us being pregnant to anyone until her baby is born… Which is a month before we’re due.
She also started going on about if anything happens to her baby it’s our fault because we’re causing stress for her and that this pregnancy is hard already and we made it worse.
My dad and my mom’s family have been begging us not to say anything about our pregnancy so that my mom doesn’t stress.
I don’t want to stress my mom out and have harm come to her baby but at the same time, I feel like I should also be allowed to celebrate and share my pregnancy as we thought we couldn’t have any more children.
WIBTJ if I announced our little tater tot coming anyways?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only time it’s rude to announce something is when you are at someone else’s event and didn’t check with the hosts ahead of time.
But you’re not even talking about announcing it in some grand fashion, you are literally just letting people know a fact about your life.
I have no idea why your mother is being jerk-ish about it, and I’m even more confused why other people think that indulging her narcissism is a good idea (unless they just want to reduce the number of complaints they have to hear about it), but regardless, it is insane to think hiding your pregnancy would reduce anyone’s stress.
Besides, the thing about pregnancy is that you do not get to hide it for very long, so people are going to find out.
I assure you it will gather much more attention if people have to speculate as to why you were hiding something for so long.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How your mom could be jealous that you’re expecting at the same time as her, when she is on her 10th child is way beyond me lol.
Not to mention she’s a little selfish, if anything were to happen during her pregnancy it would be her own fault. She was told not to have any more children due to health complications, and she chose to ignore that advice I guess.
I really don’t think her getting pregnant is a miracle, considering she’s on #10. So I don’t understand why she feels the excessive need for all the attention of purposely risking her life.
She might be feeling a little guilty about being pregnant and is looking for an out if something were to happen, and I guess you being pregnant and taking her attention, ‘stressing her out’ is the way to exonerate her own guilt for getting pregnant again when she shouldn’t have.
You’re allowed to be excited about your pregnancy, and how self-centered would your mom have to be to think you being pregnant is a personal attack on her.
Congrats on your baby OP!” moosetracks4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What a weird and unreasonable request. I do not believe you will find one case of a pregnant woman losing her baby because someone else was pregnant.
I would let her know ahead of time before you do anything, just to prevent a blow-up argument after the fact. A simple statement… Mom, we did not intentionally do this to you, it is a miracle for us.
We are going to do everything we can to enjoy this pregnancy and share in it with the people that love us. We will not do anything intentionally to stress you out, and if you would prefer for us to not see you during this time to save you stress, we will support that decision.
But we are not going to be keeping a secret one of the best things that has ever happened to us. I hope now that you’ve had some time to think about it that you understand that that is also not really fair to ask of us.
Then, await the reaction that is like a bomb going off. Let her react and let her be mad. It is not really about you to be fair. This is all about her, and the attention that she gets, and is expected to get going forward.
She does not have to agree with you, and if she cannot calm down, you just say I am sorry that this upsets you so much and leave the situation.
Then you wait for her to come around. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I would not engage in defending myself, or giving reasons why. I would simply repeat to myself that it is an unreasonable thing to ask.
Stay calm and be the reasonable ones in the situation. You need no other defense and by keeping it simple it is easy for others in the family to be able to see which side is clearly right and which side is clearly wrong.
When you engage you will end up saying things that you don’t mean, you’ll bring up things from the past, and it will get very very clouded. Resist the urge.
Make it about this situation, and the situation only.” OhmsWay-71
12. AITJ For Embarrassing A Lunch Thief At Work?
“So I started a new job recently. I work in a small studio, there are several others in the building, think open plan office with sections assigned to each studio.
The person I had an altercation with doesn’t work for my studio just FYI.
I eat lunch at 1ish and most people eat at 12. I came down early to eat at 12, I made coffee and while at the counter noticed my Tupperware in the sink, empty.
Imagine my surprise when I turned around and saw a man I didn’t know sitting down at the table with my food on his plate. He had just stuck it in the microwave.
Acting rashly since I was mad, I sat down next to him and said ‘hey that looks good, mind if I try it?’ Then before waiting for an answer I yanked the plate away from him and snatched his fork out of his hand, he just blinked in shock as did the other people there as I started eating.
He then, quite loudly, asked what I thought I was doing and I replied ‘huh you know this was actually much better when I first cooked it, it probably lost some flavor in the fridge.’ He caught on quickly that it was my food and went a little red. I then asked him where he got the gall to steal someone else’s lunch and then ask them what they were doing when they took it back.
He stuttered out some nonsense about not knowing it was mine and I replied well you knew it wasn’t yours right? He just mumbled something like an apology and I said that’s no problem it was nice he’d warmed it up for me at least, in an admittedly jerky tone, and then he just got up and left and the people there just stared in silence.
2 of the silent watchers, maybe his mates IDK, told me that I was rude to him and that there had been nicer ways to go about it. I told them to think how they’d feel if someone ate their food before saying they should focus on their lunch and I’ll focus on mine.
Well, it’s been a little awkward at lunch since and I have the impression a few people are talking trash about me at work now, maybe I could’ve been nicer sure.
I still don’t think I was wrong but tell me AITJ?
Update: So not sure if anyone wanted an update but I finally found out from a new friend at work that yes the lunch thief has struck before!
Apparently, everyone wrote their names on their lunch to combat this, and the thief then targeted unmarked lunch or lunch items, guess no one told me ha.
People apparently started being petty and standoff-ish to the thief since and he blames me for that lol.
Also according to my new friend most were actually very pleased that the thief was finally identified/dealt with.
I was assured that besides the thief in question and his cronies no one thought I was being a jerk.
However, not knowing much about me, assumed I was a very serious or cliquey person from my reaction, which I mean fair, I dress very professionally while most of the office dress quite casual which probably added to that (think high heels, blouse, and skirt VS shorts, graphic tee, and slops).
I’ve started to come down to lunch earlier to chat with some people and the office seems to be warming up to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You applied the perfect dose of petty and it went off like a barrel of Roman candles.
Good on you for showing this entitled jerk his place and for embarrassing him directly in front of his little tribe.
I always love the ‘Well I didn’t know it was yours/It wasn’t labeled’ defense.
Like, you knew it wasn’t yours. That’s all the information you needed in order to act right. Do these people just leave their home training at home?
The protocol for dealing with thieves of any stripe is outlined succinctly in Hammurabi’s Code.
You should copy the relevant section and stick it on the refrigerator. Use the word ‘whetstone’ in a sentence in the lunchroom, but only once. Give no context. Watch them avoid you.” 0ber0n_Ken0bi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – People inherently don’t like conflict and feel awkward being caught in the middle of something that isn’t their fight. There is no nicer way to go about it.
Let him finish your food and then ask him to buy you lunch to replace it? How could you possibly have resolved it a different way? As you pointed out, he knew it wasn’t his, so his intention was to take it.
He should have been apologetic and offered to buy you lunch anyway. I could see if you both brought leftover pizza to work and it looked similar? That doesn’t seem to be the case.
Lunch thieves are the worst. When I was young and worked at a bank, I took the last lunch (2 pm) and was SO hungry. We get a half-hour and are pretty much in the middle of nowhere.
I go in the back and see my lunch bag is open and my container in the sink. Clearly wasn’t their bag, wasn’t their container, and wasn’t their food, but they enjoyed it anyway.
They literally ate everything in my lunch, including a few bites of the apple that was in there, and threw the rest out. I didn’t have time to go out and buy lunch, so I speak loudly across the branch to my boss to ask permission to go get lunch and bring it back because someone ate my lunch.
We played detectives afterward and figured out who it was, which is the only person it could have been. She was a pig in so many ways. I think it’s also good to establish that you are nobody’s doormat.” ToxicLogics
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Someone has the gall to steal your food, and you’re expected to be nice to them? Really? Are the people in your office delusional?
While it could have been a mistake, I hardly see how that would work.
The guy would have to have the same Tupperware box and not know what it contains. I’d say such a coincidence is rather unlikely. His reaction also points toward him knowing he was eating someone else’s food.
So no excuse. He got what he deserved.
It might have been the first time he took yours, but the fact he was comfortably seating there eating food not his with other people around and protested when you took it back could very well indicate it was not his first time doing it.
Just probably the first time he was called on it.” meissa1302
11. AITJ For Picking Up My Child From A Sleepover?
“I (30F) have a son Jason (8M) who has a best friend named Brandon (8M). The boys have been attached at the hip since they were in daycare. Brandon’s mom, Ashley (32F), and I are friendly and speak frequently because of the boys.
I normally don’t let my kids stay at other places but I always allowed Brandon to stay at my home because his mom doesn’t have this rule. Not sure if it matters but the reason I don’t allow my children to stay over at friends’ homes at this young age is because I feel like at that age they are still pretty dependent on their parents plus my children usually don’t ask to stay over, they ask if their friends can stay at our place which I don’t mind since we have the space and all the fun things kids enjoy.
Last weekend I broke a rule and let my son stay over at Brandon’s home. 1. Because he asked and 2. My daughter was at my mother’s for the weekend so I thought my husband and I could have a weekend to ourselves.
While enjoying some adult time with my husband Jason called me and said he wanted to come home but he was whispering so I could tell something was up. I asked him why and what was wrong… He said Ashley wouldn’t allow him to take a shower because it wasn’t a bath day… BATH DAY????
I immediately call Ashley and inform her that Jason needs a shower and if she could just allow him to do so. She basically explained to me that since my child is in her home he must follow her rules (which is fair), I agreed with her and hung up.
I called Jason back and told him that I would be there soon to get him and just be ready. He was very happy about coming home. I wouldn’t have picked him up if he said no but surprisingly he already had his bag packed.
When I pulled up Ashley was outside saying how much of a jerk I was for teaching Jason that he doesn’t have to follow other people’s rules. I told her he was uncomfortable and I’m not going to keep my child in an uncomfortable situation he doesn’t want to be in, especially if I can help.
She then told me she allows Brandon to shower twice a day at my house even though it’s against her rules so again I told her if Brandon had an issue he never told me that and I would’ve taken him home if he was uncomfortable.
There was some back and forth arguing but I tried to keep it calm since the boys were around.
So AITJ?
EDIT:
- We’re black. Hair is not a concern here.
We don’t wash our hair every day.
- Mornings are (5-10 minutes) quick wash downs. Nights a lengthier showers.
- The kids are still friends, they’re having a sleepover at my place this weekend.
- Yes Ashley is white and the child’s father is black
- Ashley and I are not best friends. We only communicate about the kids
- I do not force other kids to bathe at my place, they do so willingly
- My son showers before bed to help him sleep better..seriously who likes going to bed sweaty
- My son CHOOSES to shower twice and especially before bed
- I DO NOT wash other people’s kids????
- Brandon showers on his own here I don’t force him
I’m not apologizing for anything. She respects my rules and I respect hers!
It’s not about the stupid shower or the sleepover!
It’s about my child being uncomfortable! I would also like to add the boys are still besties! Ashley and I set up a sleepover at my place this weekend for them.
We agreed bath day doesn’t fit my kid and went back to our regular schedule.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (and I’m saying that as a white lady who does bath day).
It doesn’t matter whether it’s normal to bathe every single day as a kid, or only twice a week. What’s important is that Jason knows that when he calls, you come.
8 years from now that situation could repeat with way more dire consequences than missing a single shower, and he will know that he can count on you. He’s also 8 and still learning how to protect his own boundaries.
I would try to reach out to Ashley and emphasize that that’s the reason you came, and not because you judge her family’s bathing habits, but I would come and get my kid for similarly small things.
Yes, children need to learn how to deal with adversity, but I also want my kids to grow up knowing that they can remove themselves from situations where they don’t feel comfortable (because a lot of the time we will feel uncomfortable when we aren’t safe).
I’m guessing Ashley felt defensive and I’m assuming her parenting style is more authoritarian than yours, so that influenced her response.” AppleThrower5000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it does not matter what the reason you picked your child up from the sleepover was.
The fact is; he was uncomfortable. Everyone has a nightly routine including children. Their nightly routine helps them sleep comfortably. He was not able to do his nightly routine, he got uncomfortable, and called his mom to go home like any other uncomfortable child would.
You did try to make him comfortable by asking the other parent if he could take a shower, and she said no. You would be the jerk if you made him stay because you still wanted your adult time, but you did what every good mom would do and picked up their child who was uncomfortable.
As for the other mom. I feel she is the jerk. I understand her having rules in their house. Not staying up after a certain time, maybe not eating much junk food or caffeine because she might not want to deal with two young boys on a sugar high.
That’s just it though, two young boys who were probably playing all day. Asking to use a shower is not a hard request that she could have allowed. You taught your son the importance of hygiene, and good for him for not staying in a place that wouldn’t allow him to keep up his hygiene.” Agreeable_Raccoon687
10. AITJ For Calling My Brother A "Sore, Slow Loser"?
“My wife, ‘Irene,’ is very fit. She likes working out and has a proper exercise regime, etc. She believes that if she ‘feels good’ she ‘looks good,’ and she feels good working out, so who am I to stop her?
My brother, ‘Will,’ spent the latter half of last year going through a messy divorce and now needs a place to stay. Though my brother and I aren’t very close, I figured he would only stay with us for a couple of weeks until he got back on his feet.
Will is a typical ‘gym rat.’ He’s always on a very strict diet, always working out and bragging about his ‘gains.’ I’ve worked out with him a few times and he’s a little obnoxious.
He’s always mad at you if you don’t work at his pace and is always trying to correct your form. He’s a pretty fit and muscular guy, but I don’t like to exercise with him.
Will has been pushing Irene to work out with him because, according to him, ‘she won’t be able to keep up with him.’ Irene mostly just shrugs him off with a laugh and tells him she would love to work out with him.
Irene works out in the mornings (3 times a week) and then does a run in the evening, but she’s been busy this past week and hasn’t been able to stick to her usual schedule.
Will thinks that she’s making excuses because she doesn’t want to be ’embarrassed’ by him. Again, Irene just laughs him off.
About two days ago, Irene and Will went on an early morning run.
I didn’t go with them, but the first thing I heard when Will entered the house was, ‘The only reason I couldn’t keep up with you (Irene) is because you were sweating too much.’ I found this extremely comical, and kinda just laughed him off.
Irene rolled her eyes and went to take a shower, so I thought that the conversation would die.
However, Will just kept bringing up my wife’s sweat.
My wife went to work and he told her, ‘to make sure she doesn’t sweat through her clothes,’ or when she called me in the middle of the day, he yelled, ‘tell the sweaty idiot I said hi.’ Of course, the jerk comment aggravated me and I told him to knock it off and stop acting like a child.
I thought that was the end of it, but he just kept going. By the end of the day, I was tired of his comments, but Irene seemed rather unphased by them.
When she served him food, he made a comment about her ‘sweating into the food.’ At this point, I was at my wit’s end and I told him to stop acting like a ‘sore, slow (referring to his running pace) loser and eat his food.’ Will, of course, got angry, and said the only reason he was going slower than usual was because he was ‘distracted by my wife’s unhygienic sweat.’ Irene looked a bit offended by this, and I told Will that I would kick him out if he made another comment like that.
He’s been super ticked off ever since. I jokingly told this story to a mutual friend and they agreed with Will. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh.
UPDATE: I’ve decided to kick him out.
He will be staying at a nearby hotel now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Will is salty that he got shown up by a woman when he’s so obsessed with his own sense of pride in terms of being better than everyone through his fitness.
It sounds like he puts a lot of his ego into this and is secretly pleased when people can’t keep up with him or outdo him and now that he’s finally been outdone, by a woman nonetheless, he’s looking for anything he can to be rude about it; and when I say rude I mean rude.
Like, who doesn’t sweat when they’re running or working out? If he’s so into fitness shouldn’t he think it shows how much work your wife is putting in if she’s even sweating as much as he’s exaggerating?
I get joking and teasing especially in competition but this is going beyond that and turning into insults and bullying. It’s dumb and childish and he got his pride hurt and to go to such an extent of making fun of your wife with every little opportunity he has is ridiculous and uncalled for.” devilsugarbaby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I hope you drop that ‘friend’ too.
Will is like an encyclopedia example of toxic masculinity. He got beat by a girl and it hurt his tiny pink fee-fees, so he’s resorting to insults and implying that she only beat him because she’s not ladylike.
Because a proper woman would never (A) sweat when exercising or (B) beat him, A Real Man, at any physical activity.
He’s showing you pretty clearly why he got divorced and why it was messy.
And even if his gross behavior was simply rude and not also loaded with misogyny, you don’t insult your hosts. You are under no obligation to give him a place to stay, and I hope you kick him out if he insults your wife one more time.” rinky79
Another User Comments:
“What ‘friend’ would agree with your brother?
You are NTJ, and it’s time to get him out of your house. He’s a guest, and you’re doing him a favor.
To repay you, he insults your wife? It is comical that his fragile ego cannot accept being beaten by her in a run, to the point where he now needs to pick on ANYTHING to try and make himself look better than her, but that behavior (attacking people and degrading them to make yourself feel better) isn’t healthy and it’s highly toxic.
Your wife doesn’t deserve it, especially not in her own home.
The fact that he’s using something that doesn’t even make sense (Who doesn’t sweat during a run?) makes it even worse.
I feel just slightly bad for him because it must be miserable to be so insecure that you start attacking everyone, including the people supporting you. But he’s a grown man and there are no excuses.
I wouldn’t allow this behavior in my home or towards my partner from anyone, family or not. I would expect a full apology and complete attitude turnaround or he’d be packing his bags TONIGHT.
Of course, he’ll try to make it seem like it was a joke, but it’s not funny – it’s incredibly rude and disrespectful. Let him go live with whatever mutual friend said he’s right.” T00narmy1
9. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Ex-Husband's Partner A Part Of The Inheritance?
“I (58F) was married to a man for 16 years and we had a son. After my son was killed by an irresponsible driver we couldn’t support each other.
We divorced 6 years ago, I moved to a different state and we haven’t spoken since then.
About a month ago I was contacted by the executor of his will and informed of his passing.
His latest will was written about a year ago.
When I went I was informed that he left me everything, except for the $10k that he left to his girl.
They were together for 2 years and lived in the same house.
Now his partner is demanding that I surrender all of the inheritance to her. She says that I wasn’t the one that was there for him when he was drowning in his grief, that I moved on while he was still feeling guilt over the death of our son.
I have refused so far, but I still feel a bit guilty since I am planning to sell the house (our marital house, I couldn’t bear to stay in it after our son’s passing) so she will have to look for housing (she can’t afford to, she doesn’t have a job).
Also, I make a good living and own a house outright (inherited from my parents).
So AITJ?
Edit: I offered her to stay at the house free of charge for the next 6 months before I put it on the market.
Also, I offered her a choice of whatever she wanted to take from my ex’s personal effects and house furniture she wanted to take.
That and the continued use of the car.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ex made his will with intentionality. This isn’t, for instance, an old will he had just neglected to change. At the time he wrote this will, your husband had been with his partner for a year and your divorce was 5 years past. This will wasn’t a mistake.
There’s a very good chance that your ex was happy to give his partner financial support in exchange for her companionship but that he didn’t think she deserved the entirety of his estate.
His leaving her $10k was his way of providing funds for her to have time to become more independent.
So, no, you shouldn’t ‘split’ the inheritance. However, instead of letting the girl an extended length of time to live in the house, I recommend you offer her ‘cash for keys’… Offer her a largeish amount to move out of the house in a timely manner so you can have it cleaned and prepped for sale (without her in your hair).
I don’t know how much his estate is worth, but offering her another $20k if she can be entirely moved out by the end of March wouldn’t be unreasonable if you can afford it.
If you do this, don’t give her the funds until she’s out and have her sign a document saying she is completely moved out and has all her belongings. If she won’t move out quickly, she gets no extra funds.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (kinda) Grief and money rarely mix well for reasonable thought, you lost an ex and I’m sure that hurts, but it will be hurting his partner more so try to understand that, she’s lost a partner, her home, and inheritance (that she likely planned as hers, nobody likes change).
I can see both sides to this, I can fully understand why she wants more (as the partner) but equally, I understand you not wanting to give up money (who realistically would).
If you paid into the house previously that’s likely why you got it (if not then I’m not sure). Try to place yourself in her shoes, personally, I’d give her more of the inheritance but that’s me.
However, from a legal standpoint, it’s yours so she can’t do a lot other than play nice, which is what I would highly recommend her to do. To sum up, I personally would share it but technically you don’t have to.
To me, it would be the moral choice.” DreadTheDemon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ex only recently made his will and intentionally left everything to you. HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DID NOT WANT HIS GIRL TO HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE 10K HE CHOSE TO GIVE HER.
HE WOULD NOT WANT HIS GIRL TO GET A PENNY MORE. HE WOULD NOT WANT HER IN HIS HOUSE.
Your ex obviously felt that his girl didn’t deserve his assets.
He probably knew that she was a gold digger.
Give her nothing. She has no legal right to his property, she is lucky that he left her anything. Now she is gaslighting you and trying to force and intimidate you into giving her what her partner DID NOT WANT HER TO HAVE.
You should not offer to let her stay. She will probably refuse to leave and make your life difficult. Think about what your ex would want right now. Think about the fact that he very recently changed and updated, or wrote, his will.
Realize he intentionally left everything to you. There is a reason he did that. His will makes it very clear that his girl was to ONLY receive 10,000 from his estate.
Ask yourself why he did that? Obviously, don’t ask his partner, she will absolutely lie and manipulate and gaslight you.
DO NOT GIVE THIS GOLD-DIGGING, MONEY-HUNGRY PIECE OF TRASH A SINGLE PENNY.
oh… And you need to evict her from the house.” blueberrylove2112
8. AITJ For Dividing Everything By Five?
“I have four sons. I love each of them very much. I never had a biological daughter, but I used to have a close friend that was a single father.
My friend had a demanding job, and his daughter, who we’ll call Glinda, spent a lot of time at my home.
When Glinda was 14 my friend was diagnosed with the big C.
It was hard, and I did everything I could to help. Over the next three years, Glinda spent more and more time at my house as my friend spent more and more time in the hospital. She was 17 when he passed away.
She continued to live here until she started college.
My oldest son, Greg we’ll call him, and Glinda were always close, as he’s only a year younger than her. When he started college at the same school as Glinda, they began going out.
I won’t lie, the idea of having the woman I consider to be a daughter as my actual daughter-in-law made me happy.
They got married two years ago. At Glinda’s request, I walked her down the aisle while carrying a framed phone of my friend, so that both of her fathers were with her.
It was a very emotional day, and there were a lot of tears.
On to the conflict. Glinda has been, since shortly after my friend’s passing, a beneficiary in my will.
When I’m gone, everything will be divided by five and distributed to the kids. My second oldest son, Ted, recently approached me about taking Glinda out of the will or cutting down her and Greg’s respective shares.
He stated that Greg and Glinda are essentially ‘double-dipping’ and that it isn’t fair.
Ted has no plans on ever getting married. He thinks it’s unfair that Greg will get twice as much because he is married. I told Ted that Glinda isn’t a beneficiary because she’s Greg’s wife; she’s a beneficiary because I helped raise her and love her.
Even if she and Greg (God forbid) split up, I wouldn’t remove her from the will.
Ted still says it is unfair. He texted his younger brothers (who are in middle and high school) about it, which I don’t appreciate.
My youngest agrees that Glinda shouldn’t get anything, but we all know how thirteen-year-olds are. My seventeen-year-old hasn’t said anything. Glinda and Greg are unaware of this argument.
WIBTJ if I refuse to change my will?
I know legally I can leave things to whoever I want, but am I screwing over the younger boys? Is what I thought was an act of love actually a jerk move?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your son is greedy. Also, why is he counting his chickens before they hatch? (counting coins before you’re even gone).
I went on a cruise once, there was an old lady by herself for Christmas.
When asked why she wasn’t with the family she said they were all greedy and can go away. They only called when they wanted money. She came home one day to them trying to steal her new TV saying ‘well it’s not like you’re going to need it for long.’ They tried to put her in a care facility and sell her house to take all proceeds, etc.
She sold everything and lived on back-to-back cruises, any funds left over were going to charities. Her family gets nothing. She’s living her best life.
Ask your son if he wants his share donated to charity, if not he can stop mentioning the will.
You’re not dead. He’s being disrespectful.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your son gets 0 say in who you leave your money to. As you said, Glinda is included bc you consider her a 5th child.
If she and your son got divorced, you would still include her, yes?
Some people leave an inheritance to their kids and grandkids separately. Would your son consider that double-dipping as well since they are in the same family?
The fact he texted his other brothers (who are literal children) is inflammatory and immature. Again, he does not have a say, period. I think he knows that and is trying to get people on his side.
Which, again, isn’t a real way to win an argument.
How did he find out btw? Came up in conversation? They are lucky you told them. My family doesn’t know who my beneficiaries are.
It used to be my sister but that recently changed.
Tell him he gets over it or he gets taken out and the 4-way split still includes Glinda. Period. He can shut up.
He needs to handle his feelings. He is responsible for reflecting on the source of his feelings. In fact, I would set up your desires thru a trust, which has more safeguards from feuding family members after you’re gone.” msklovesmath
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your logic makes sense to me. Before I******** in, I don’t agree with Ted or any of his actions.
But I’m assuming Ted is young enough to be impressionable.
Some of the crazy stuff that comes out of even college students’ mouths are insane. So even if he’s in college, I wouldn’t put it past ANYONE, in general, to get some crazy stuff whispered in their ear.
Some unsolicited advice, I would really suggest sitting down with Ted and talking to him. I don’t think this is coming from a place of greed. I would like to assume the best in everyone’s children and I would assume maybe he has some hard feelings.
This is totally assuming and putting stuff into the entire story. But I would guess that he feels like Ron from Harry Potter for example. His mom wanted a daughter so bad but never got the daughter she wanted. And you openly say here that you’ve always wanted a daughter.
And before her father passed before his eyes, you only had four children and he was the second of those four. Now you say Glinda came in and she’s one year younger than your oldest son so that means she’s probably older than him as well.
So he actually might feel you might’ve replaced him with her.
On top of this, you openly say you see Glinda as a daughter. But obviously, your sons don’t. If they did your oldest son would never marry her probably.
So chances are your other sons probably don’t see her as a sister either and feel like a stranger has somehow wormed their way into their lives. I mean this kind of coarse to say, but in a way, wills are the ways in which we convey our love after our final day.
And one way parents convey that love, is by leaving their children their assets as a last attempt to care for them. And in some way, the money you leave your children is saying this is how much I want to take care of you after I’m gone.
It’s weird but that’s how I think you could read a will in a very coarse way and it might be the way someone as young as your son is reading and feels like you’re saying you care more about Glinda than him.
Maybe he feels you like Glinda more, and spend more time, effort, and emotion on her from his perspective. And a lot of parents don’t notice or realize they have a favorite because they have no ill will behind their actions.
I also think this is a huge misunderstanding and he’s acting out in a way a volatile young adult might act out. And I do consider people in their early 20s to still be young adults to such an extent.
They’re still trying to figure stuff out and still learn important life lessons about behavior. So I think you need to sit down and talk to Ted and try to figure out what is motivating him to say this instead of just focusing on his words that probably are driven by something a lot more important that comes from an emotional and irrational place.” PettyHonestThrowaway
7. AITJ For Going On An Expensive Vacation And Not Helping Fund My Sister's IVF?
“My (30M) sister (34F) has been struggling to conceive with her husband for a few years now. They recently went to a Gyno and were told they likely would be unable to without IVF.
Obviously, she’s upset about it. Idk their exact financial situation but she and her husband are both teachers at private schools. They said their insurance doesn’t cover it at all and that they were told it would likely be about 25k all in with the medication and everything.
There is no guarantee of success and it could be 25k and no positive result. They asked me and my parents if we could help pitch in and my parents objected due to it being against their religious beliefs.
I’m not religious at all and don’t have any ethical objections but that’s just a big amount with no guarantee so it seems like a bad idea and I’m just not comfortable with giving that amount to a family member.
My wife and I work hard and we don’t want to potentially throw funds away if it didn’t succeed so we told them no. She was upset but left it at that (at the time) when we told her.
Well, my wife and I have always wanted to go to Europe and now that travel is back on we decided to take a trip together. I don’t use social media but my wife does and she got excited and posted on her story a confirmation of our flight being booked. Well, my sister saw that and then texted me saying how I was a jerk for spending all this money on a vacation but not helping my own sister have a family.
At first, I brushed it off as her just being upset at her situation but then today I got another mean text from her. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. You are under no obligation to fund your sister’s IVF. In fact, I understand the want for having a biological child and all but if you can’t afford IVF, you should generally not have kids via IVF because most of the time you get twins and stuff like that and it’s very expensive raising kids.
I think adopting would be a better solution to her situation. It gives them time to sort out their finances and they don’t have a race against time anymore. Now I know a lot of people would like to think of her being a jerk but I can’t.
Growing up we’re told we should be able to rely on family when in need.
Clearly, this is very important to her and she hoped you and your parents may help her but you didn’t, which is your right of course.
Then you posted about a lavish trip you plan on taking which could be taken as you rubbing salt in the wounds in your sister’s eyes as her dream to have kids are crumbling due to financial reasons and you just splurged a bit on yourself.
Humans aren’t rational at the best of times and she is hurting right now. Don’t take what she says personally but don’t vilify her for lashing out as emotions are running high and she’s just running around trying to grasp at anything that she could take her frustrations out on.
Family is the one place where you can actually do this and not cause permanent rifts easily. Give her time and then reach out to her and have a conversation in a calm manner and discuss her situation.
Perhaps try to help them either find the funds for their expenses or help her understand her current financial situation and the price of childcare.” km1180
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
– imagine being so narcissistic that you feel other people around you should work their butts off and crowd-fund your dream to have a baby. Smh.
Don’t do it. I wouldn’t even do it if it was guaranteed. If I was really wealthy and that was pocket change I might do that but not as an average working-class person.
Asking other working-class people to give them a lot of funds is crazy entitled. She’s forgetting you have other plans for your life. Why should you and your wife’s life come to a grinding halt because she wants a baby?
And she’s not even asking for a loan. She’s asking for a gift. Lol. Yeah, that’s a no from me.
You are never a jerk for saying no to giving someone a large amount for their own personal use.
And as we say in horses – if you can’t afford to buy a horse then you can’t afford the upkeep and everything that goes with it.
I’ve even heard stories of people who once they had a kid and spent all this money, now actually hate their new life because they didn’t think it would be this hard or time-consuming.
Like duh, it’s kinda like a prison sentence – you have to be willing to donate about 20 yrs out of your life for a kid. If you’re a woman you basically lose your identity for 18+ yrs because your life revolves around this kid.
Some people truly love motherhood and are really great at it. But others, and I would guess this is more the case than not, are guilted into it because it’s either something they think they must do because society makes us believe this, or parents guilt them into giving them grandkids but then they find they don’t like it.” ksarahsarah27
Another User Comments:
“OP, no jerks here. Your money, your business. No one should expect anyone to foot the bill for them. If you had limitless money, then it would be very kind of you, but still not required. Your sister is feeling a lot of emotions all at once.
Desperation, anger, sadness. Infertility is heartbreaking and IVF is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. People have no idea just how hard it is until they go through it. She’s angry at the world and everyone and really needs to be in a group where she can vent and leave it there.
If your sister is receptive, maybe suggest she join some online support groups (search IVF/infertility) where she’ll find a lot of resources and support. There are organizations that offer funds, discounts on medications (which can cost 1,000s of dollars), etc. She or her husband may also be able to find a part-time job that offers IVF coverage (Starbucks is mentioned a lot).
There are options available, but people shouldn’t just jump to adoption. It may come to that, but that’s a place for them to get to.” moomoo12349876
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These kinds of situations always end badly, and you’ll end up being the jerk to your sister and BIL at some point. Best that it’s now before the expectation exists that you’re an ATM.
It’s best you and your wife decided not to get involved. For one, that’s A BIG amount to just hand over for a non-emergency. Second, they will inevitably need money again, and again, if the IVF does work and they have a child.
And, IVF usually results in the parents getting pregnant with twins or triplets, sometimes more.
Children are expensive, especially with multiples. Just the car seat/stroller combo alone is $200-$500 min per child, so that’s $600-$1500 just to ensure safe transportation for a set of triplets.
And we all know those children will need clothes, blankets, cribs, toys, and other things before they are even born. And what if one of these children ends up very ill, or in legal trouble when they are older?
Guess who mom and dad are calling first.
Also, there is a very good chance her pregnancy will be high risk, and she may have to face crushing medical debt.
Who is going to be the jerk when you can’t or don’t want to, fork over thousands for that? If you were willing to hand over thousands once, you will be asked to hand it over again, and you will still end up being the jerk to them when you say no. And when you get emotionally attached to these children, your ability to say no and pragmatically protect your finances will go out the window.
I know it sounds cold, and most people find ways to raise their children without thousands saved away, but this is a different circumstance.
Your sister and brother-in-law need to be able to do this and be fully prepared for when, not if, something goes wrong, on their own.
I feel for them wanting a family, but this responsibility cannot fall on you, or anyone else in your family. Your responsibility is to yourself and your own family. Your wife is your priority, and if this vacation makes her this happy and strengthens your connection with her, then it’s something you should do.
Let them call you all the names they want. Deep down, they know you’re right to not give them this much and take it from your own family. Your sister hopefully will see your side of things eventually.
But, if you give her the funds and things go wrong after that, it will be much harder to repair and undo the damage that could be done.” SnooMacarons5460
6. AITJ For Wanting To Choose The Flavor Of Everyone's Birthday Cakes?
“Our family had a tradition of throwing huge birthday parties and buying those really big cakes. As we’ve gotten older, we changed it so that we have a small birthday party with only the immediate family in the evening and we pretty much just buy the same big cake, sing happy birthday, give presents, and leave.
Now, around 4 years ago, everyone kind of stopped eating the cake. My parents don’t eat any because they have diabetes and my 5 siblings don’t eat because they’re all really big on gyming and dieting.
So basically what happens is we buy this huge cake and the only 2 people who eat it are me and the birthday person. The birthday person takes one small slice on the day of and then I’m stuck finishing the cake.
The only flavor I like is chocolate. I can eat the other flavors but I really don’t like them, esp the flavor my mom chooses – carrot.
For anyone who thinks this is not a big deal, I would like to point out that this is 7 cakes.
Each cake takes me roughly 2 weeks to finish and because my family’s birthdays are spread apart, I’m spending 14 weeks eating cakes I don’t like. That’s like 1/4th of a year spent eating cake I don’t like.
I asked if we could stop buying the huge cakes but my family said it’s ‘tradition.’ I asked if I could choose the flavor since I’m basically the one eating it and they called me a jerk and said that I should let the birthday person choose the flavor since it’s their birthday.
AITJ?
Edit: I have so many people saying that I’m not forced to eat the cake except I literally am. I should have mentioned this before but everyone in my family has been overweight/or have health issues except for me.
They say I take after my aunt who is really petite so ever since I was a child, my parents would always be strict with everyone on diets and forcing them to work out but I’ve always been let loose of everything.
They’ve always been less wary about my health just because of this even though I’m literally related to them. That’s kind of why I was forced to eat the cakes.
I know people were saying that I wasn’t forced to eat the cakes but there was just sort of the expectation like, you know, as the ‘skinny person,’ it’s my job to finish the cakes.
It’s kind of always been like this and whenever I’ve tried to refuse to eat the cakes before, I’ve been punished and lectured for ‘wasting food,’ ‘trying to ruin the family tradition,’ and being a brat.
The last time I tried, I wasn’t allowed to attend soccer practice and had my phone taken away until ‘I fixed my attitude.’ It’s just easier to eat the cake than deal with that.
Also, I think everyone thinks I’m an adult? But I’m 15. My oldest siblings are 20,19, and 17 but they still live at home with us. Also, my mom’s birthday is tomorrow and I’m going to try to just refuse the cake.
Although I’ve tried before, I think my only two options are to just endure the yelling and punishments until they give up or wait till I’m older and move out, but I would have to eat 18 more cakes before that happens and I really don’t want to.”
Another User Comments:
“Stop. Eating. Cake!
Like you can literally just close your mouth and refuse to eat it. Can you not? Let it go to waste. If you keep eating, they will keep up this tradition of big cakes.
I understand you’re 15 and they’re asking/forcing/expecting you to eat it. But as a child, you can still refuse and throw a tantrum.
Also, if they want to continue this big cake tradition, why not donate the cake or distribute it to others?
Here in India (particularly where I stay), when it’s someone’s birthday or any kind of celebration, it’s very normal to distribute a plate of food to everyone in the neighborhood or the building.
The plate may usually contain 1-2 pieces of cake, chips, maybe a couple of samosas or fried snacks, and a couple of juice boxes. Sometimes only cake is distributed. Sometimes if someone has graduated or passed an important exam with good marks or if someone has given birth, sweets are distributed.
I’m conflicted between NTJ and ‘everyone sucks here’. Because you’re certainly enabling this behavior, but at the same time you’re a child and it shouldn’t be up to you to set these strong boundaries yet.
They, the adults, should know better.
Plus if your family has a history of diabetes, why are they making you eat all of this? Also, diabetes-friendly cakes exist. Sugar-free cakes exist. My cousin who’s a celebrity nutritionist and diet consultant eats his share of cake or cupcake weekly.
My diabetic mom takes care of her diet and will allow herself a small sweet on occasion. So there’s really no excuse for your family to not eat cake on occasion.
Lastly, if this doesn’t work, then they’re abusing you and emotionally manipulating you. You will need help. Perhaps confide in someone you can trust? An aunt? A grandfather?
A neighbor? A teacher? Someone.
NTJ and I hope things work out for you.” Head2Heels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need to stand up for yourself. It’s not right you are being penalized for not wanting to eat something you don’t like.
This will also catch up with you later in life and cause you more health problems than they have and it will also give you an unhealthy relationship with food.
You need to just say no thank you, I don’t fancy any cake. If they make a big song and dance about it just state I don’t like being force-fed or being manipulated into feeling guilty.
Hand it out to the neighbors. I said no thank you. If they punish you or take your phone away. Reply with ok I accept your punishment for not wanting to be force-fed, but this doesn’t create a healthy relationship with food or you.
This actually is disgusting, I said no thank you and wasn’t rude or spoiling the day. I just said no thank you to some cake. And let that sit. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, when you’re fighting diabetes you will resent them.” Emmilynnlou
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, it’s not your birthday so it’s not your choice. Let people have whatever they want to have to celebrate THEIR birthday.
Another thing to consider is maybe you shouldn’t be eating that much cake constantly. You’re posing this as if you’re being forced to eat the cake – maybe this will help you make healthier life decisions (because eating cake for 14 weeks of the year definitely isn’t healthy, especially if you have family members that are diabetic.)” syn-cs
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like everyone sucks here, but mainly your family is the jerk. Shame on your family for (per OP comments) shaming you into finishing their cake
But while I get where you’re coming from, I think making the choice of the birthday cake when others aren’t cool with it isn’t right.
If they didn’t have a problem with it – no problem I can see.
Maybe offer an alternative? Maybe a large cupcake or something else kind of festive? Don’t know if they will take that suggestion either… another thing is maybe see if there are people in your community that might want some.
I can’t personally relate but I know there are things where some people will give meals to widowed elderly people or other people in need. Not to pawn off your leftovers, but some people might even appreciate the offer for a slice or 2 of a cake!
I know that may not be the most feasible idea, but just kind of thinking outside the box for a possible compromise.” BreMue
5. AITJ For Telling My Son's Partner To Give Back The Necklace He Gave Her Son?
“I lost my son Adam unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.
He met his partner (who’s a single mom of a 6-year-old boy) over 2 years ago. His partner and I did not agree on a lot of things largely due to our differences, there has always been some tension between us but we do enough to tolerate it.
I didn’t know about Adam’s relationship with his partner until months ago, I’ll never know why he hid this from me but that doesn’t matter.
Adam was adopted when he was months old, I gave him a cross necklace on his 7th birthday right after he started attending Church.
I cherish this necklace so much because it resembles his dedication to the church and is part of his identity. He kept it for years but I found out that he had actually gifted it to his partner’s son 2 months prior to his death.
I contacted his partner to tell her about it and asked that she return it to me. She explained that Adam gave it to her son for his 6th birthday and he loved it and clung to it so much she can’t take it away from him especially now that he’s grieving and this necklace has now become a source of comfort for him.
I told her that it was originally mine and that I need to have it because it carries too many memories of Adam and so the sentimentality of it is too important to give up.
She pleaded that I have some understanding for her son’s position but in return, I told her to be a little more logical because Adam was in my life for years, he’s my son but her son had only known him for 2 years.
She accused me of making light of her and her son’s grief but that wasn’t my intention. I insisted she give it back and work it out with her son anyway she sees fit, but she insisted it was Adam’s to give and not mine to take.
She then blamed me saying I’ll be responsible if I keep pressuring her and disrupting her son’s grief and accused me of taking my resentment for her out on him.
I told her he’s not my grandchild nor do I have a connection to him why would I be responsible for anything related to them both for that matter. We argued some more and she ended up hanging up.
I don’t mean to sound vindictive, just want my son’s stuff back. My husband said that I should just let it go since Adam wanted the kid to have the necklace anyway but I’m still trying to contact Adam’s partner about it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Maybe you should reflect on the fact your behavior now may shine a light on exactly why your son felt the need to lie about his life and not be honest with you.
Everyone is grieving. You have no right to use your grief to be vindictive. That was no longer yours the minute you gave it to your son. It was HIS necklace and he made the choice of who it went to.
No court would side with you and you’re tainting the grieving of your son with this pettiness. Your son obviously wanted the boy to have it and was close with him.
How do you think he would feel or react to you if he knew you were going against HIS wishes of HIS property and making this about you? I’ve lost my father in a very devastating way so I know it’s hard and I am sorry for your loss, but one thing I learned is your grief is no one else’s problem and is never an excuse for poor behavior.” 2girlz1reddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for several reasons (and that takes a lot for us all to say to a grieving mother so seriously listen to us and please change your approach to your sons’ family – because yes… a partner of two years and her six-year-old child is as good as a family when passing away is what separates them.)
The necklace was your son’s to give and he shared it with this child who also cherishes it. Demonstrate what that cross symbolizes and let him keep it (see Luke 12:13-21).
He will probably keep it forever and pass it on to his children one day.
You introduce him as your adopted son, why? Maybe I’m reading into it, but it feels like you’ve kept a degree of separation from him (this is further evidenced by the fact that he didn’t introduce himself to important people in his life).
(See Matthew 18:5)
I understand that the necklace is sentimental for you, but you have a lot to remember him by and you don’t need this one, specific item (see Philippians 2:3-4).
Also, you could have welcomed this young boy into your family and kept your son’s memory alive through him but I doubt that is still an option given how you’ve treated his mother (see Matthew 18:5).
While true you’ve had more years with your son than his partner and her child, it was them that he was sharing and building his adult life with (regardless of his/their troubles).
Like it or not, parents do not and should not remain the center of their children’s life forever (see Ephesians 5:31). Give the girl the respect she deserves or leave her alone in her grief.” Nymeria31
Another User Comments:
“The necklace was GIFTED to your son, making it HIS property. And he CHOSE to gift it to his partner’s son. You asked, she said no, that should have been the end of it.
But no, you kept pushing, even though I’m sure there are plenty of items of his you recovered or even pictures, but no, you have to have the one thing back that was gifted to a young child.
A young child that has been around your son for at least a third of his life. 2 years isn’t a lot of time for someone who has lived presumably at least 40 years, but that is a significant chunk of time for a six-year-old.
All you care about is yourself, you’re annoyed that you didn’t know about the relationship for a while, and you only care about your grief because you DID make light of the girl’s and her son’s grief.
And you don’t care as to how she deals with explaining to a child why he has to give up something that is rightfully his (remember it was your son’s property and he decided to gift it to the kid, so it’s NO LONGER YOUR SON’S property).
Now you’re HARASSING them since you fully admit you’re still trying to contact her. Doubt your son would be very happy if he could know what you’re doing.
They obviously meant something to him for Pete’s sake and you’re here without a shred of empathy for them. YTJ.” smartiesmouth
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Son's Worthless Degree?
“I have 2 kids.
Both wanted to go to the university. One for business and the other for art.
I’m not going to invest in a very expensive worthless title.
I’ve told both that this is an investment, and I would expect some return on their part.
The return would be in 2 parts:
- Happiness for seeing my kid go through university and master’s doing what they love (both will give me this).
- Some return of the funds I invested. Didn’t give much detail, not expecting to get back anything really, I just want to make clear that this is a big investment on my part (I’m paying the university) and I don’t want it to be in vain.
The future art student got mad. Gave me no discussion… I wanted him to give me reasons why it’s a good investment. I know he loves painting and is great at it.
But the art degree is like 10% painting… The rest is history, other forms of art, etc.
I wanted a healthy discussion on how that expensive degree would help/advance/form him vs doing some more specific courses on painting.
I’m not paying for a VERY expensive degree so you don’t put it to use, either by getting a better job or starting your business.
For example: if you’re going to study history, pay for classes, and then never work in that area… Just read a history book.
The point is I want my kid to be sure of what he is doing and give me reasons for how the degree will help him.
I know art can be very profitable.
But there are also cases of people paying a lot for degrees that they consider hobbies and never really go all-in with it or profit from it.
I don’t have the money for a ‘meh I just like art, I don’t know what I’m going to do career wise’.”
Another User Comments:
“You have it backward. Graduates with ‘business’ degrees are a dime a dozen. Unless their degree is in a specific, employable field (e.g accounting, marketing, advertising, etc.), they’re going to struggle to find jobs — and even in employable fields, there are a lot of graduates to compete with.
An art major can teach, become a curator at a museum, work in journalism or publishing, work in the art side of advertising, etc. And the 90% of the degree that isn’t painting is what makes most of those careers possible.
YTJ.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are paying for it so you do have the right to be concerned. It’s wonderful that he loves art but if he can’t explain what he could do with it in the future, you have every right to be worried. You’re looking out for him; too many parents just give their kids what they want, then wonder why they have a 30-something-year-old living in their basement.
Stay strong.
I would add that perhaps you could suggest sitting with him and doing a little research into what kinds of successful careers can and have been done with art degrees and see if something catches his interest. That way you are showing some support, but also making sure there’s a plan in place.” SetiG
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s fine to talk seriously with your kids about careers & how they’re going to make a living when they’re done with school.
You can even compare that with the cost of the college they want to attend. However, framing that as your return on your investment? That’s not what being a parent is about, because if you’re looking for the best return on your money, then having kids at all was a huge mistake.
Second, expecting a kid to know all there is to know about careers in art is ridiculous. You would do better to help him research the answer to that question.
Think industrial design, graphic arts, advertising, interior design, to name just a few.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You would be the jerk if you didn’t also make your other child explain their reasoning for their degree.
You did, though, right? Otherwise, it seems like you’ve got preconceived notions about art degrees and that you hold one type of degree above the other. Therefore, asking your child for insight into their choices might come across as trying to ‘prove’ that they haven’t thought it through, thereby giving you an excuse not to fund it.
But it sounds like you’re really just asking them to put some thought into their decision and be able to confidently back up their own choices. It’s a valuable lesson to be able to ‘make your case,’ as it were.
Again, I’d caution you against holding one child but not the other one accountable, and; when they give their answer, you must accept it. That’s the parenting part.
This is a lesson in teaching them decision-making and being accountable, but you shouldn’t argue with their reasoning if it’s well thought out. That would only teach that child that you don’t support their choices and that you make snap judgments without being open to any other possibilities.” FriendlyTrashTalk
Ya'll can find that together, like others suggested. Furthermore, it isn't just your right, it is your responsibility. And not just because you paid his way, but because your the parent, and teaching kids how to make good decisions is a big part of that.
3. AITJ For Storming Out After I Didn't Like The Birthday Present I Got?
“I (20F) recently turned 20 and had a party to celebrate.
It was a small gathering at my favorite sushi restaurant with only my immediate family and a few friends.
Everything was going well until it came time for the presents.
You see, in my family, there’s this tradition that when the firstborn turns 20, they are given this pocket watch that was owned by my great grandfather. When our country was still colonized by the British, he (my great grandfather) was taken in by some missionaries and became a teacher.
As a teacher, he was super instrumental to the community and partly funded the first black-owned school there. He became headmaster and as thanks, the community chipped in to get him a pocket watch.
When my grandfather turned 20 he was given the watch and it became a tradition. As per tradition, I was expecting to get the watch. I had even made an effort of hinting at how I wanted a watch for the whole year prior.
Among the presents, I saw this small box and got excited thinking it was the watch. The watch came in this wooden casing with a velvet lining inside and it was about the same size as the box I saw.
I made a deliberate choice to open that box last to make sure the night ended on a highlight.
When it came time to open the box, it was a watch but a digital one.
It was a good watch, to be honest, but it wasn’t THE watch. My dad was excited as he went on prattling about the features of the watch, it could count steps, connect to my phone via Bluetooth, control music, measure my heart rate, etc. While he was talking I burst into tears and left the table running.
My dad follows and asks why I was sad and I said I wanted the watch, the one that belonged to my great grandfather. He said he wanted to give it to my younger brother who is 12 since he is a boy.
If he gives it to me, it will leave the family since I’ll get married to a man and join his family. This came as a blow since I’ve always been closer to my dad than my brother was and my brother isn’t even interested in the watch like I have been my whole life.
We got into an argument and it ended with him saying my immaturity over such a small matter is why he wouldn’t have given the watch to me even if I was a boy.
I left after he said that. That was two weeks ago, and we haven’t spoken since.
So am I the jerk?
Edit: (information) it’s always been the firstborn who got it.
But the first born’s have always been men, since the tradition started, I’m the first female firstborn.
I suppose l shouldn’t have stormed out, I’m 20 now, after all, I was super overwhelmed by my feelings.
I’m prone to tears, always have been but I should have calmed myself especially since it was a public space.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but a soft ‘everyone sucks here’.
The only reason is for your reaction and leaving the party, but it is warranted. Your dad because of his excuses, and what he said to you was totally wrong.
But it does sound like while it’s been passed down to the firstborn, it has always been boys, so the assumption this time round was that it too would go to the oldest son and it’s just been convenient that the firstborn has always been a male up til now.
I can kinda see why he thought it would go to your brother being that it’s always been handed down to boys, in a way. But I don’t think the way he called you out for your reaction is right at all.
It really sucks you didn’t get it, and maybe it wouldn’t have been such a shock if they had conversed about this detail prior and not just made you think you would get it because it ‘always goes to the first born’.
I don’t agree at all with him saying once you marry it won’t be in the family anymore.
You don’t stop being family just because you get married and change your name.
Imagine what would have happened if your father only had daughters and no sons? Would it have then gone to a male cousin on his side? He probably is also under pressure to keep up the tradition of it going to the oldest son in the family as well and so he tried to at least make up for it by giving you something else along the same lines.” ChimneyTyreMonster
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Obviously, OP is not the jerk because she expected to be included in her family traditions but I think it makes sense that an item that belonged to a man would continue to go to a man.
It would be weird if the genders were reversed as well. If the watch were some delicate item designed for a woman, belonging to a grandmother, the son wouldn’t have expected it, it would would be passed down among the women in the family.
I don’t think a woman should expect a father’s watch unless explicitly told it would be hers or there were no other children.
Yeah, a 12 yo brother might not care now, but by the time he is 20 he might.
And hinting you would like ‘a watch’ is not at all the same, so I don’t think dad was being a jerk at all to get her a different watch.
If my daughter hinted she wanted earrings or a necklace I would have no idea if she meant a particular heirloom piece unless she was VERY specific. Especially, if I had no expectation of the heirloom piece going to her in the first place.
I think it’s obvious there was never a plan for the watch to go to OP so it was the furthest thing from her dad’s mind.
I get that it hurts.
We form attachments to things. My mom gave my favorite China and silver, which I grew up eating all my Christmas and holiday meals on, to my sister and I got some other set that had been in storage that I had never really seen much.
The silverware is not even attractive in my opinion so I know I won’t ever even use it. It has been a challenge to not be bitter about it.
At the end of the day, we don’t get to decide what to do with other people’s things.
I hope you can work it out, OP. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I’m sure your dad wasn’t trying to intentionally ‘leave you out’ as much as he just had a preconceived notion of how it would go.” ArcheryOnThursday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – even while it’s your father’s choice who gets the watch it’s absolutely understandable you are feeling hurt. This is prejudice and it would have been best if your dad made sure in the forehead he’s not going to give it to you.
His arguments are old but stupid: you’re family, that doesn’t change just because you get married. The family lives on your side, this whole argument is nonsense. What happens when you decide to keep your name but your brother takes the name of his partner?
Does the family then end with your brother and live on by you? What happens when he doesn’t get married at all? When it’s about the family living on why is he arguing about you getting married and not about who’s going to get their own children?
And that ‘you don’t get it because you’re upset for not getting it’ argument is so openly nonsense I hope I don’t have to point it out.
So in the end even when you’re never going to get that watch in every scenario it could have been handled much better than this – but still would be hurtful to live a life of less value because of your gender.” MadMaid42
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You assumed the first born thing and left out the first born has been Male for several generations.
You never spoke with the OWNER – your father – about his intentions for the watch.
You just assumed because you were first born that it was yours because it’s easier than admitting you knew it was a misogynistic tradition and thought you would be the one to throw the yoke.
You also acted spoiled when you didn’t get the thing you ‘hinted’ at for a year. Just cause you want it doesn’t mean you get it.” Yeppie123
2. AITJ For Not Giving My Girl Coworker A Ride Home?
“I (17m) started working at a grocery store 4-5 months ago. I get along with my manager and coworkers and somewhat enjoy my job other than a few jerks that come in here and then.
I work as a cashier and there’s this one girl (17f) that’s always scheduled with me. She talks to me the most and always wants to hang out with me and do everything with me.
And even wants to take her break when I do. Super weird and annoying but I just ignore it most of the time.
Last night it was me, her, and my manager closing, and 15 minutes before closing she asked me if I can drive her home because it was late at night and she doesn’t feel safe walking alone.
I tried telling her multiple times that she lives a little too far that my father would lose his mind if he found out I let a girl in my car (who doesn’t trust me for some stupid reason) and that she could ask my manager for a ride.
She goes on about how she doesn’t feel safe taking a ride from my manager and that I’m the only person at my job that makes her feel safe.
At that point, I kind of felt bad but I made my final decision and went home. Today when I came into work and greeted the normal people I see every day a couple of people asked me why I made her upset and walk alone home.
I tried to tell it the best I could but everyone just thinks I’m a jerk now and she doesn’t want to talk or even look in my direction.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This girl seems to be trying to get closer to you than you are comfortable with, and you have rules from your dad that you can’t have a girl in your car.
If she doesn’t feel safe walking home or getting a ride from the manager, she should be able to call her own parents/family/friends to help her out. At most, I’d say you could wait with her for her ride to come, just to be safe.
But I don’t consider you a jerk for saying no in this context. She has other options she could have tried. This one just sort of screams of clinging/maybe trying to put moves on/or maybe having no idea of boundaries.
Might be worth having a serious conversation with her on a break where you apologize for leaving her to walk home alone, suggest alternatives for the next time it happens, and possibly (if she really is getting a bit too close to you) set a boundary that you’re only work friends.
Just be tactful and kind about it – she may actually be clingy because there is something up where she actually needs a safe person to keep close to (like, the manager is creeping on her or something).” fourleggedfishfood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It absolutely would have been very nice to help if he could, wanted, and was able to. But OP is also a minor and didn’t feel he could do whatever he wanted to at the moment.
I don’t think it makes someone a jerk for making a choice for their own good in an unexpected moment.
But if she truly did feel unsafe, and once OP said no, why couldn’t she call anyone else to help her?
I wish we knew her actual circumstances. Does she have no family or friends? Why is OP the jerk for not figuring out some way to get her home, was she also incapacitated or unable to make a phone call?
Why was he the ONLY viable option for her to get home?
I wonder how she normally gets home. Does she usually walk alone? Or if she had a ride and it really did fall through 15 minutes before they were set to close, then her ride is the jerk.
She should have called one of these other coworkers, who are so quick to call OP a jerk, to come help her. Clearly, they’re supportive and would all be more than happy to come out and help her out of concern for her safety.
Assuming she wasn’t just saying so to get along with OP, it sucks that she felt safer in a self-described unsafe situation walking home alone than she does getting a ride from the manager.
I would be happy to admit it if I’m wrong, but I strongly get the feeling that she made a play for some one-on-one time outside of work with OP and is now feeling embarrassed and upset that it didn’t work.
It sucks that she immediately threw him under the bus and told their coworkers that HE ‘made’ her walk home alone. Again, like it’s his responsibility to get her home.
It’s not like there was a previous arrangement that he reneged on. He told her multiple times that it wouldn’t go well for him to go against his dad. He offered a viable alternative, which the girl rejected (understandably so if she really isn’t comfortable with the manager).
But it isn’t his responsibility to ensure this girl gets home or her safety.” UnderButters000
Another User Comments:
“I can’t agree with everyone else. All your reasons for not giving her a ride were fine, but when she played the ‘I don’t feel safe with the manager or walking’ card, YTJ for not helping.
She may have been doing it to manipulate you, but that is not a chance you can take. Once it was a matter of potential safety, you had an obligation as a decent person.
You feeling bad about your decision to leave her was your conscience telling you it was the wrong choice.
As a decent person, you owed her help once. You were free to make it clear she needed to plan better next time, but not to abandon her.
Despite what some elements of society tell you, we do owe each other decency and a helping hand in times of need. It is what holds society together. It is in our social contract.” dlaugh1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yeah, she likely wanted the ride home to try something with you, and that makes her a jerk.
However, what if she didn’t have a ride home because there was a family emergency while she was on shift?
How many women here have the same fear of walking alone in the dark? Or had a weird interaction with an Uber/Lyft driver? Bunch of hypocrites. Do something good for someone.
Bank the karma for later.
You could’ve called your dad, told him the situation, drove her home, dropped her off not even putting the car in park so she can get out, and went home.
Your dad knows where you’re going, and should have an idea of how long it should take. If she does try something, you throw the car in park, turn it off, get out of the car and call dad.
If you’re pushing too late from dropping her off (more than extra traffic lights would allow), what would your dad do?” GrindyMcGrindy
1. AITJ If I Communicate With My Kids In Sign Language Around My Wife?
“I grew up normal but my sister turned out deaf so I ended up picking up a bunch of sign language.
My kids sort of got some of it through me and my sister. We’re far from fluent in it but can get by and communicate small stuff. It’s sort of becoming a thing where we use it sometimes.
My wife thinks that I’m being a jerk by using it around her because she doesn’t know what we’re saying. She has low self-esteem and some other mental deficiencies, so I think that’s really the gist of it.
I think it’s just her being in her own head and not actually a problem with me and the kids doing something silly.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for saying your wife has mental deficiencies.
NTJ for teaching your kids the language. YTJ for not insisting your wife learn. 88% of families with a deaf family member chose not to learn sign language. My heart goes out to your sister.” Befub14435
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is rude to speak a language that your wife doesn’t understand when she is in front of you. I don’t blame her for being upset.
The fact that you are trying to justify your rudeness by saying she has low self-esteem and other mental deficiencies make me think you are not only the jerk but you are a bit of a bully too.” msspider66
Maybe tell her you dont care who goes first, and that including your dying in-law means the world to you. Besides, a wedding that includes such few people cant be the talk of the family & couldn't overshadow her engagement glow.
I bet she rushed the engagement just to make sure she could be first. Thought she could lock down the next year and a half. Actively trying to "corner you" into waiting. She's getting bolder & less passive agressive. Include her as little as possible & don't engage her mind games. Don't explain yourself to her, just state your desires & plans as needed. She is need to know only.