People Would Like Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Contribute More Financially?
“For reference, I am 29f and my husband is 30m. We’ve been together since I was 20, and got married when I was 26. When we moved in together when I was 25, we were splitting our rent evenly. I was making 65k and he was making 80k, and we live in a large US city.
It didn’t really make a huge difference in my budget vs his to split rent 50/50 for 2600 a month rent.
However, things have changed. I got pregnant a few months after we go married (which we were so happy about and wanted). I didn’t want to not work, but I wanted to be home with our baby, so I found a full-time remote job in my field of work.
The downside is I took a cut to my salary from 65k to 50k. We continued to split rent in our apartment.
My husband, between 26 and 30, has received a number of raises and has switched jobs. He is now a senior business analyst, making roughly 195k a year. Since we were having a child, we were going to need a bigger apartment. We found a 3 bedroom for 4000k per month.
He still wanted to split the rent evenly, despite my protests, and despite me wanting to try to find a smaller apartment for less. In the end, I sort of let myself get walked over because he really is such a smooth talker and I do love him.
Anyway, flash forward 2.5 years, and our rent has increased to 4400k. My take-home pay monthly after taxes is roughly 3600k.
I am paying 2.2k monthly in rent. I am also taking care of our baby and our home, doing chores, and cooking daily. My husband works from 8 – 6 but typically doesn’t get home until 7. I am burnt out. I barely have enough money per month to do things I enjoy. I feel like I am financially struggling while my husband is living a life of luxury.
Yes, he does take me out and on vacation, but he doesn’t seem to understand that this is not enough for me.
I spoke to him two days ago very seriously, and when I asked about trying to split rent based on our income and pay an equal percentage of our income so that it is more fair than fully equal. His reaction stunned me.
He asked me why having 1.6k extra a month wasn’t enough for me. I told him I’m not saving anything. He told me I should spend less on extracurricular activities – which makes me laugh because what extracurricular activities? All I do is work, cook, clean, shop for the house, and raise our child. I told him I am basically working two full-time jobs at once and I need help.
Then he asked me if I am suggesting he pay me for being a mother and that stunned me – I really had no response to that.
Anyway, he told me that this is the lifestyle we agreed on when we moved in together way back when. However, he doesn’t seem to understand or rather does not want to understand.
Now he is mad with me because he thinks I am being selfish and has been acting cold to me these past few days.
I am getting the itch to apologize and take it back like I always do, but I really feel I am right here.
Am I the jerk?
EDIT: I love my husband with all my heart, and it is heartbreaking for me to read these comments and realize that I am being taken advantage of. I need to figure out the best way to approach this issue and solve it before it gets too far.
I want to work this out and the fear of being alone is haunting me.
Yes, I did sign a prenup that was overseen by his family attorney. My husband comes from extreme wealth and I was young and stupid and went with it. Head over heels like my mother always said I was.
As for his family – we get along great and they love me.
It’s very confusing because they are such incredibly generous people, and they are family. But they don’t know about our financial situation because my husband and I believe that our marriage is private. And I would feel like I was betraying him by telling them.
For those talking about the outings and vacations bit that he pays for – I have asked him numerous times to help lighten my financial load instead of going on these trips and he has refused. He said he can do what he wants with his money and if he wants to take us on vacation that is what he will pay for.
If I could afford vacation I would pay. In fact, when we were in a more even financial situation, unmarried, not kids – I paid for almost ALL of our vacations because I love to treat people. And I can’t do that anymore.
I also DO NOT have bad spending habits. I worked my way out of my student loan debt two years after graduating.
I saved 60k by the time we got married, and I have that all in my retirement which I am thankful for because I can no longer contribute to it. This has NOTHING to do with how I spend. I am actually pretty frugal when it comes to shopping, especially since I prefer to keep things cheap for my budget.”
Another User Comments:
“ABSOLUTELY NTJ.
I was in a similar boat, all at his insistence, by his design. He bought fabulous Christmas presents for the kids; I gave them what I could manage, with what I could scrape up. Every trip for coffee, we had to decide who was paying. Some kind of household need, from bath towels to a new roof, faced with the same decision. We went without a lot because I couldn’t afford it, and he refused to pay.
Couldn’t pay for depression and diabetes medication? I went without. The kids’ birthday celebrations? I paid for everything, he refused to contribute. The examples are endless. He had an expression, “there’s no such thing as compromise, somebody’s got to win, and somebody’s got to lose.” And he made well sure that I was the one who lost.
We lived in a dumpy house; half remodeled, half demo’d but not completed, mold and mildew.
There was no expectation of security, no shared recreational activity, and no planning for the future. He hid as much as he could, and he made it clear that he had his own financial goals, of which I had no part. He disclosed none of this before the marriage; he straight up lied about his intent, his circumstances, and his plans.
I refused to be beaten down and he refused to acknowledge his cruelty.
The kids were too ashamed to bring anyone home. I was able to pay for their school, school activities, and sports, but they witnessed our constant fighting and they hated him for the hurt he caused. I cried nearly every day, angry and ashamed over what I’d gotten myself and my kids into, angry and hurt over what he did to me day in and day out.
My self-esteem plummeted, my health deteriorated, and my significant depressive symptoms impaired my ability to function, but I was determined to give it my all, knowing that when I left, there would be no question about who had destroyed the marriage. I was equally determined to leave; I refused to give up my dignity and self-respect. So, while I prayed for change and gave everything I could to the marriage and the family, I also devoted every dollar, and every bit of energy I had, to leaving.
I kept asking him to go to counseling, and I told him repeatedly that the kids and I were leaving, but he chose not to believe me. He was flabbergasted the morning that the moving truck came.
We talked a handful of times after that. The last thing he said to me was, “This can work, (my name). You just don’t like it that you don’t have any control.” I was beyond surprised; it was the first time he acknowledged what he’d done.
I looked him in the eyes, and then I turned around and left. The next morning, I called my attorney and told her to file the divorce petition she & I had already put together.
I’m not a vengeful person, and it wouldn’t be right to try and ruin the man. I’m better than that. But you can bet your sweet butt that I made sure to have thousands of photocopies, photographs, voice recordings, documents, and text messages in my possession when I left, to take every penny that was mine, in court.
I used to tell him that he’d end up a bitter old man, left alone with all his money, and as time goes on, it appears that’s what’s happening. He lost a great woman and great kids, and he lost the opportunity to be part of an exceptional, loving family. It’s unfortunate, really. He had the power to be a fabulous husband and father and to leave an amazing legacy, and he chose money and deceit instead.” AFuneralinMyBrain
Another User Comments:
“I mean I stayed with a guy who committed financial infidelity (and we seem to have fixed things, hope it stays that way) so I get it. People suggest divorce a lot. But your situation seems SO extreme that even I would kinda recommend divorce. At the very least, I hope you’ll get a legal consult with your own, good lawyer. If nothing else you need to understand the prenup.
But also ask about what if you were to file for divorce, just to get some idea of how it might go.
That said, OK let me think about this situation…
This is a guy who grew up with a SAHM and repeated warnings about gold-diggers.
Seems like this history has given him some incompatible assumptions and he doesn’t realize it. The first gives him an image of “the mother of his kids” as a SAHM; the second gives him an image of “his beloved wife” as someone who pays her own way.
These aren’t compatible unless the woman is independently wealthy herself; he needs to realize that.
You two also seem to have the common marriage problem where the wife makes the mental transition to parenthood but the husband does not. (Mentioned in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which I heartily recommend–it’s based on his years of research on what makes marriages succeed or fail.)
He asked if he should pay you for being a mother–sounds like he assumes a mom automatically wants and chooses to be home with her kids, like (apparently) his mom. Many moms do want that, but he’s ignoring the fact that the money for that doesn’t appear out of nowhere. (He’s also ignoring that many moms don’t want that and that’s fine too.) Then when that issue comes up, so does his fear of gold-diggers–so then he doesn’t deal rationally with the issue.
And since he hasn’t really made the mental transition to parenthood, his child doesn’t seem to be on his mind as someone who needs care and whose care is work–it doesn’t seem to occur to him that his child is his responsibility too.
He just…seems to be approaching both issues (“parenthood” and “avoiding gold-diggers”) only with emotion and instinct. He’s not looking at the practicalities of those situations.
Gottman’s book has a list of the jobs that typically need to be done in a household. It’s extremely useful for getting on the same page about the practicalities involved, who’s doing what, and how not to overwork one partner.
Now just to pick on a couple of small aspects of your situation (which seem representative of the whole)…
It’s completely insane that you’re going 50-50 on food, then he’s eating bigger portions of it AND the leftovers.
It’s also crazy that you’re paying 50-50 on rent when you’re sharing one bedroom, your child (who is your shared responsibility) is occupying one bedroom…and then he’s the sole occupant of the third bedroom, a room you didn’t even want. You should be paying 50-50 on the two bedrooms; he should be paying extra for his own personal room that only he wanted. He’s the only one who wanted it, so he should pay for it, right?
I bet he wouldn’t want to do that; I bet he’d find it heartbreaking; aren’t you a team? You should be. But that would require him to also act like a partner in the financial unit the two of you have now become. He doesn’t want to do that…
What the heck is he thinking here, IS he thinking?
This…really sounds like he’s gotten into a mindset where he has to constantly guard against people who are out to get his money, but he does not have to worry about ever exploiting anyone else.
That’s how he’s ended up (I hope unintentionally) exploiting you so severely: Any time something comes up that someone could twist into an excuse to exploit him (such as him paying more than 50%), his defenses fire off. Any time something comes up that might be kinda unfair in his favor…he doesn’t notice (that’s not the issue his defenses are worried about). And neither do you since you don’t have those same hair-trigger defenses.
Look at this: ‘I don’t really crave too much personal space. He needs it more to be happy.’
OK but he seems to think you “need to stay home with the kid to be happy,” yet he still treats the pay cut you took in order to be at home as solely your decision that you alone should pay for (rather than him “paying you to be a mother”).
(Or worse, maybe it’s only the kid who he thinks needs you to do that for her to be happy, but yet it’s solely your responsibility to pay for something that benefits your shared child?)
He may not be doing it on purpose, but in practice, he’s asking you both to pay for his idiosyncrasies, but you alone to pay for yours. (The fact that he’s kinda pressured you into this one–maybe you don’t actually want to be home, maybe it’s only him who wants you to–is a separate issue and is also bad, but my point here is that even if you did want to…) If he shouldn’t pay you for being a mom, why should you pay him for being an introvert?
Anyway, I recommend a lawyer and a Gottman book.
NTJ. He is.” NeitherWish
Another User Comments:
“This post just broke my heart. I know everyone is saying to talk to a counselor, and you guys definitely should but there are just so many things about this that seem weird to me. As a note, this is coming from someone who makes around 160k and I’m in a long-term relationship with someone I plan to marry, but I’m not married. I’m also 24.
First off as everyone said, this is really weird that you guys don’t share finances. But one thing that really makes me sad to see is just the lack of empathy from your husband. You are here, breaking your back working, and raising children. He asked if he should pay you to be a mother? What does that even mean? As a question, what does he contribute to the raising of your child?
This is the first thing that he’s not even realizing how much work and effort you’re putting into making this family work!
Point #2: is having 1.6k not enough? What? While he has literally thousands and thousands of dollars left over? When you guys retire, what’s gonna happen? Seems like he said he wants his money to be his based on an earlier comment you said, but that means he’s going to retire early and you’re going to spend the rest of your life working and raising children.
He also has no conception of what you spend your money on and how much you’re paying for the family while he gets to keep so much extra to himself! And the reason I mention I make 160k is to say what is he planning on doing with this if he’s not spending it on his family? After maxing out all my retirement accounts, I have a lot of leftovers.
Are you guys expected to pay for college 50/50? I completely understand being wary of gold diggers, but you have proved yourself time and time again that you’re not that way.
Point #3: my partner makes around half of what I make, and we agreed that if we go to a place where rent is really high, I would pay more based on my income. Period.
Done deal. This is because I love him and want to support him. Why does your husband want to keep his money to himself?
I read a lot of AITJ and I barely comment. This is the first time that this has struck a chord with me. It’s because I just truly cannot understand his position, coming from a position of similar income and having a partner that makes less than me but who still contributes to the relationship.
Because that position he’s taking is such a place of little empathy.
NTJ.” seashu
14. AITJ For Getting A Kid Covered In Paint?
“I’m Chris (38m) and I have a daughter (14f), Bailey. It’s just us. Her mother died when she was 8. I’m still coping with it, and we’re in a pretty financially rough place, which brings us to late summer in 2019, Bailey’s 14th birthday party.
The original plan for Bailey’s birthday fell through (she wanted to see a concert with friends. Couldn’t save up enough in time before they had sold out.)
Something Bailey has wanted to do for years is paint her walls Blue (we just moved into a house that’s allowing us to make modifications like that) because Blue was her mom’s favorite color.
So, I started to make plans with her. We would have a party at our house. Pizza, cake, maybe ice cream, some snacks, etc., I’d let them use my Xbox for whatever version of Just Dance my daughter owns, and the pièce de résistance would be the “paint balloon fight” in Bailey’s room.
I would tape off and cover the floor, ceiling, windows, basically everything that didn’t need paint on it. I would have the kids change into scrap clothes and I would let them essentially have a water balloon fight, but with paint instead of water. (That’s the best way to explain it, although the point was to get paint on the walls. It was messy though.)
(I’m aware that this is inefficient and wasteful as heck. I chipped in on some of the paint, Bailey’s grandparents helped pay for a lot of it, and soon after the party they came by and painted the walls for real with us. This was just a way for my daughter to do something she wanted with her friends.)
I TOLD EVERY CHILD AND EVERY CHILD’S PARENT THAT THIS WAS HAPPENING REPEATEDLY.
EVERYONE INVITED WAS FOREWARNED THAT THIS WAS HAPPENING.
But here’s the conflict; Emma. Emma showed up in a flowery, light pink dress. I reminded her and her mom of the plan. Emma seemed excited about it, Emma’s mom sort of just.. shrugged me off, I guess? And left. Well, the party goes smoothly, the kids migrate to Bailey’s room with their balloons, and I notice Emma is still in her dress.
I went up to her and I offered her some of Bailey’s scrap clothes and she took them and changed. We did the walls, the kids had fun, we ate cake, parents came to get their kids, and all was well.
And then Emma’s mom showed up. She saw Emma, splattered with paint, and freaked. Out. She screamed at Emma for participating, she screamed at me for letting Emma participate and “ruining her pretty dress” (The dress was perfectly intact.
I didn’t know Emma wasn’t allowed to participate.) And she screamed at Bailey for not having a normal party.
I was mad, but I thanked Emma for coming, gave her a piece of cake to take home, gave her mother the INTACT dress, and they left.
I was talking to my friends about this recently and they were pretty split. Some of them said I was a jerk for not realizing that Emma wasn’t allowed to join in.
Others said I wasn’t a jerk and that Emma’s mom freaked out way too much. So.. AITJ?
Edit: I had sent out a few emails and several text messages to all the parents involved. The initial message went like this (more or less, cutting out a few details for privacy): ‘Hi, It’s me, Chris, Bailey’s father. I’d just like you all to know that Bailey is having a birthday party on (Date) at our house in (place) starting at 3.
There will be food/drinks. I’m planning to do a very messy project in Bailey’s room – we want to paint the walls in a fun way. I believe the plan is to fill up some water balloons with some paint and chuck them at the walls of Bailey’s room. The intention is to paint the walls, so the paint may not come out of hair/clothes that easily, so I would have your kid wear or bring scrappy clothes if they want to take part in it.
It’s fine if you don’t want to let your kid participate, I don’t plan to force anyone. Just let me know!'”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you told them what would happen. Of course the child isn’t going to speak up and exclude herself from the seriously fun thing you had planned. If mom wanted to ban her from joining in mom should’ve spoken up when you reminded her.
Also, you saved the dress!!!” ilovepancakes134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You’re not a mind reader and considering you reminded the mum what was happening when she dropped her daughter off she had plenty of opportunities to say she couldn’t take part. You even gave her old clothes to wear so she didn’t ruin her pretty dress!
You sound like a really cool dad and I bet your daughter and her friends all had a blast at the party.
I’m glad that kid did get to participate because with a mum that uptight she probably doesn’t get to have messy fun very often.” Many-Rest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have not developed the power to read the minds of others I suspect you have not either. If she didn’t want her daughter to participate, she should have told you. You simply were making sure everyone was included and had fun.
I feel bad for Emma having to deal with such a mother.” happyowsky
13. AITJ For Being Upset About My Roommate's Dog?
“I live with three other people, and we are all full-time students. One of my roommates is my best friend, and recently she’s been struggling with her mental health. She also is under a lot of financial stress, due to college, rent, sports, and other things.
A few weeks ago, she let us know that because she has been struggling with her mental health lately, she was going to get a dog.
The next day, a puppy came home! He is one year old, and mostly not house trained (or trained at all). He is a very sweet dog and all of the roommates like him, but we are all having some frustrations.
The first issue is that we were never asked about the dog, just informed the day before that she would be getting one. Now, being her best friend, I had known for about a week or so how her mental health was.
She refused to tell her parents or seek (free) therapy at our school, along with many other, less permanent, options. So I told her parents because I didn’t know what else to do. I am not at all trying to discount her mental health. I am just frustrated that she skipped so many steps on the path toward improving it.
Next, is the issue that she is gone most of the day.
She works a lot of hours, is a full-time student, and is an athlete. She often leaves the house at 6 for work. When she is gone and the pup is in his kennel, he will bark and cry for literally hours until she comes home. Because of the crying, I let him out sometimes but have to be constantly on alert because he is not house-trained. I don’t mind interacting with him at all, he is a sweetheart, it’s just frustrating that I can never be productive at home because he is either crying or I have to babysit him.
The most recent problem is mildly infuriating. This dog came from the shelter with anxiety medicine. He clearly is anxious when in his crate or when out and my roommate isn’t home. He paces, can’t settle down, and whines for hours if he’s out while she is gone. The other day, I texted her to ask if I could give him some medicine because three of us were home trying to study for midterms and he was having a fit in his kennel.
She said sure, so I gave it to him with some peanut butter. Later that evening, she let me know that she threw the rest of the medicine away because “he was so boring and had no personality” when on them.
Since getting the dog almost a month ago, I’ve noticed that not only has her mood not seemed to improve, it’s gotten worse. She seems to be mad at us all the time and just hides in her room even more than before.
AITJ or is this whole situation frustrating? I feel like I’m being walked all over because of her behavior. One of my roommates is considering subleasing. I’m worried that I’m not being a good friend when my best friend is struggling. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you live with other people, they get a say in all pets. There HAS to be a discussion on what is whose responsibility.
If the roommates don’t want a dog; that person can’t get a dog. If that person still wants a dog; they can get their own place.
Also, it sounds as if a dog wasn’t even her best solution. She’s gone from 6 am until the evening? I can’t get over how self-centered that is. “Hmm… I’m depressed. I could talk to my parents, family, or friends, or seek therapy… OR I can get an animal which I am completely incapable of properly taking care of because of my busy schedule!” It’s so great because now she’s unhappy, AND the dog is.
And let’s not forget my roommates who didn’t get a say and now have to deal with my decision. Everybody wins!
Honestly, I’m not sure how you should proceed. The best idea I have is to talk about how you and your roommates should have been consulted before a decision like this. This was completely unfair to you all, and you’re justifiably frustrated. This is HER dog.
SHE needs to take care of it. Changes to her schedule must be made in order for her to adequately care for this animal. I don’t blame your roommate at all for thinking about subleasing; this isn’t the living situation they signed up for. If she can’t take care of the dog, she really shouldn’t keep it. Maybe she can find a new foster family, or her parents can take it in.
Ideally, you would bring this up as soon as she got the dog, but even if it’s been a while, the bottom line is that you can’t just brush this under the rug.” DrewDonut
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and also I went through nearly this exact situation. In my case guess who ended up with a dog they didn’t ask for (me. the answer is me.)
Also, I’m kind of stunned she just…. threw away her dog’s meds because she thought they made the pup boring? This is troubling.
This is an all-over uncomfy situation and I don’t know how your friend handles confrontation, but it may be time to have a serious talk with her. It sounds like she’s in a tough place mentally so approach it with compassion and perhaps ask how she’s feeling taking care of the new dog.
I’d try to ask questions in a soft “just curious how you’re doin'” kind of way that could maybe get her to admit on her own that she’s in over her head. That said, if she’s got a short fuse that won’t work at all.
I wish I had better advice but I really do sympathize for you (and the pup. and her.) because it sounds like everyone is having a bad time and I’ve been there.
I hope she gets some clarity soon.” s*********s
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Getting a dog isn’t a cure-all for anything. It’s a huge commitment that I don’t think your friend/roommate has actually considered. She needs a frank, direct talking to about this. A shared house with the occupants out and about for most of the day isn’t a good environment for a puppy (or a pet of any age really).
It’s really unfair on the little guy. Puppies need a lot of attention and love, not only to make sure they’re house trained but to make sure they grow up as friendly, sociable animals.
I’d recommend she gives the dog up for adoption, either to a family member or a friend or a shelter (a young puppy will be adopted really quickly, I wouldn’t feel too bad about giving him up).
If she’s in a bad way with her mental health, she needs to seek proper help. There are resources available through her doctor/family health plan she can make use of.” OverHeatedBoy
12. AITJ For Causing My Dad To Delay His Wedding?
“I have always had a really good relationship with my dad.
It is something I am very grateful for as I have several friends who cannot say the same about their own fathers.
Unfortunately, my dad went through a rough divorce from my mother a few years ago, and since then, has been very sneaky about how he spends his personal time. While this can sometimes be very annoying, it is usually a source of laughter between me and my brother.
My dad has been seeing a woman who is quite a bit younger than him. She is much closer to my age than his. I don’t really mind because it’s his life, not mine, but other people love to ask me how I feel about it. This particular woman tends to compete with me for my dad’s attention. It’s always small, petty things and I try not to give it much attention because I shouldn’t have to fight for my own dad’s attention… and quite frankly, I don’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
I have always assumed she is more competitive with me because we are close in age.
When I got engaged, I was ecstatic and called my dad immediately. I told him my partner had proposed and he responded with an underwhelming “oh okay”. I was confused as I know my dad loves my partner but realized his partner was probably nearby and he didn’t want the pressure of explaining why he hadn’t proposed to her yet.
I was disappointed and felt a little bit like he tainted what is supposed to be an exciting experience. I brushed it off and set a wedding date for 13 months later.
Two weeks before my wedding, I found out from my cousin that my dad was planning to marry his partner during the upcoming weekend on a vacation getaway. I felt extremely hurt that 1) he didn’t tell me and 2) he was getting married literally a week before me.
I can’t even explain why I didn’t want them to get married at that time. I just had a selfish moment and didn’t want them to “taint” another big moment of mine. There are so many weekends they can get married… why did they have to choose the weekend just before my wedding?
I made a real effort in all my wedding planning not to be a Bridezilla in any way to anyone so I didn’t reach out to my dad.
I was upset and vented to my brother. My brother, however, flipped out and basically scared my dad into waiting another month or two. (I wasn’t there for that conversation.)
When he got back from vacation, just before my wedding, I asked why he would want to get married at that time. He responded that it was his partner’s idea and he just wanted to make her happy.
With the amount of pettiness I’ve seen from her, it just didn’t feel like an accident or poor timing. I told him I was very hurt he wouldn’t consider my feelings in order to please her. Since then, I can tell he has a lot of guilt and I may have caused bad b***d between us.
AITJ for hurting my dad’s feelings and selfishly causing a delay in his wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You aren’t causing the bad b***d, the partner is.
Once the dust settles on your wedding I would have a sit down with your dad. Maybe include your brother if you think it would help.
“Dad, I don’t want to stir up any trouble. I appreciate you not getting married the weekend before me. Admittedly I was extremely hurt and confused why you would have agreed to do something like that in the first place.
Can you please help me navigate this new dynamic between us now with X in the mix? I want to continue to support you and I am worried about how X acts when I am around her. I still don’t know X very well, am I unintentionally triggering her in some way? I am afraid that our relationship will be irreparably damaged if this tension continues.
What can I do to make sure that doesn’t happen?”
Then listen really hard to what he has to say. Keep an open mind.
Don’t personally attack her. Don’t put down the relationship. Resist the urge to make snarky comments. Don’t lay down any her or me ultimatums.
Ask his advice on how to interact with her. Repeat what he says back to him. “Ok Dad so when she does Y you want me to do Z.” Throw in some “Why do you think that will help?” and “Is this the same advice you would give me if I was dealing with someone different than X?” if something he suggests seems crazy to you.
If you come across anything that you don’t agree with then establish your boundaries.
I am not sure if you are planning on having kids but if you are you can always add in…”When hubby and I have kids she’s going to be Grandma X. I want to be sure to work out any differences we have now before there’s the added stress of me being a first-time mom.”
The point is you are trying to get him to think long and hard about how she acts when she’s around you. Let him be the one to say enough is enough. Get him to think about what the future looks like if things keep going the way they are. Whatever you do, don’t go negative. You may even get him to open up about why he has stuck with her for so long even with how crappy she treats you.” Llyndreth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was trying to compete with you in some weird way. Showing up at your wedding with the fresh news that they just got married would have drawn a lot of attention. And you’re entitled to feel hurt that your dad would get married and tell your cousin but not you beforehand.” BrainWatchers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is enabling his partner’s competitive behavior, which isn’t healthy at all.
You have every right to be upset because he is refusing to set boundaries with his partner. You have been an excellent person taking the high road, but there’s nothing wrong with being selfish and wanting some special moments with your dad. You need to sit down and explain your view on his relationship.” Master-Manipulation
11. AITJ For Refusing To Visit My In-Laws Anymore?
“My (30) husband (37) and I met a decade ago and since then we’ve gotten married and had a baby. Most of the time everything’s perfect… The only problem is my in-laws. Started while we were still seeing each other as partners. At first, everything seemed fine but when we decided to live together he moved to my town which is a couple of hours away. They did not take it well, saying he was wrong and he hurt them real bad.
The engagement came and in-laws got really sad/angry. Before the marriage they started being really mean, my SIL calling me childish cause I made him move away from them, telling her brother he should see a lawyer to make an agreement in case I get pregnant and run away with the baby, etc. Almost called the engagement off but ultimately we figured they would eventually accept it and we really loved each other.
Fast forward a couple of years, I almost had a miscarriage and it was a really difficult pregnancy. They never came to see us. Even when the doctor told me to stay in bed we made the effort a couple of times to go see them. Baby’s born healthy, I almost died due to b***d loss, in-laws visit once in the hospital. When we got home we decided that we would accept visits from all friends and family but baby and I would not be doing long trips.
My in-laws visited their grandchild when he was 3 months. And they only came to tell their son he is such a disappointment and to tell my mother she’s trash (she was visiting as well and they showed up unannounced). Just like that and out of the blue. I was hurt but thought “my baby is much more important than all this and I want to teach family values so I’m not gonna cut contact”.
We continue visiting like once every 2/3 months always ignoring snarky comments towards me, my husband, and the baby (I’m too fat, husband doesn’t visit enough, baby’s not developing right, etc.). I ignored most of it but I admit that back home I cried non stop thinking I’m a bad mother and my child is not ok. Doctors always said the baby is perfectly fine and my husband and my family are always reassuring me.
Back in December, I lost it. My husband’s birthday is a couple of days after Christmas and since we spend Christmas with in-laws we decided to just be the 3 of us on his bday.
3 days after I see social media. There was a comment on my husband’s page from my FIL. “Happy Birthday with your foster family. Hope you have fun. Your real family loves you and misses you”.
OUR BABY IS NOT FOSTER FAMILY. Even if we had adopted that is such an inhuman comment to make. I had this huge fight with my husband because he didn’t think anything of it and now I decided we’re not visiting anymore. They can come see us with an apology but I’m done. They’ve shown such disrespect towards their grandchild that I even said to my husband the only way he’s taking the baby to his parents again is if we divorce.
I’ve made my decision. My husband’s sad but says he agrees with me.
Still, I’m wondering… AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – similar to my own family. I keep them at arm’s length, I recognize they are toxic and unhealthy, and utterly vile towards my wife (she’s not the right ‘type’ of person, which is another way of saying she has a different cultural background from them), and I cut off all contact via social media with them.
I know they think that we’re in the wrong (“but WE’RE your family, not her!”), but we’re so much happier without seeing them or thinking about them; it was definitely the correct decision. We’ve been together 25 years, I think we’re pretty perfect together, screw anyone else’s opinion.” user7568923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they’ve been consistently treating you like crap.
Just do bear in mind that to your husband they’ve been an important part of his life for a long time, and therefore cutting them out won’t be easy or pleasant.
Not that you shouldn’t do it, but a bit of extra sympathy towards him likely wouldn’t go amiss.” SciMid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The only jerks here are your in-laws and it probably won’t get better. Build a life with your husband and your child and cut the toxic crap from your life. Your son doesn’t need to grow up around that.” geekdetails
10. AITJ For Letting A Sick Friend Crash On Our Couch?
“My fiancé and I have been in an LDR for just over 6 years, but we moved in together last month. We love each other very much, but living together has been a really big challenge. I knew he was very type A, but I didn’t realize how much that applied to our living situation. He is very germaphobic and uses toothbrush covers because he worries that “poop particles” will get brought up when we flush the toilet and get on the bristles.
The one time I did our laundry, he got stressed because I had been “too careless” with his shirts aka not using dryer sheets and folding them “improperly.”
Living around these quirks is fine. I am not naturally very tidy but I love him a lot and am willing to change for his benefit, especially because now, I’m taking better care of my living space.
I’m not a slob by any means, but I leave my dishes probably longer than I should and don’t regularly dust. Just little things that improve our cleanliness overall.
I have known my best friend for over 20 years now, and we consider each other family. He comes over often and his approval of my fiancé was the most important to me. The two of them get along very well.
Anyways, my friend lives alone, and last night, he became extremely sick with nobody to help take care of him. I am not usually this hands-on, but he was becoming really dehydrated, which caused him to get very light-headed. I was afraid he would faint and hurt himself, so I decided to drive him over to my house. My fiancé works night shifts, so he was not home when I brought my friend over.
My friend was extremely uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to make him more miserable by forcing him to sit in the bathroom all night. I got him set up on the couch, brought him a bin, and hung out with him while he was violently ill for most of the night. When my fiancé got home, I told him what had happened and he got really upset.
He said it was really unsanitary for me to let my friend just sit and be sick on our couch, even though I repeatedly told him that no vomit had gotten on our couch. Much of the reason he was upset was because I knew how strict he is about cleanliness and felt that I had trampled a boundary we had already maintained. I told him that I didn’t want to make my friend more uncomfortable while sick, but my fiancé just asked who’s comfort was more important – his or my friend’s.
My friend felt well enough to go home this morning, and as soon he left, my fiancé called into work so he could steam clean the couch and intensively clean the area.
My friend felt bad for straining our relationship and upsetting my fiancé, but I feel like it’s my own fault. I should’ve anticipated that a guy who gets worried over “poop particles” wouldn’t want someone likely contagious barfing on his couch.
My mother thinks I was being considerate and that my fiancé is being a jerk.
AITJ for letting my friend vomit on our couch (into a bin)?”
Another User Comments:
“I was leaning toward NTJ but I think it has to be YTJ (sorry). I can’t blame your fiancé for feeling off-put about someone being “violently sick” in your shared space. However, I do think you had good intentions are are obviously a great friend.
That being said, you guys are newly living together and experiencing a whole new side of your relationship. This means you’ll be establishing boundaries and learning more about one another than ever before.
Knowing that he’s a germaphobe, it would have been courteous to at least let him know your intentions of bringing a very sick person to your shared home. I feel for your friend and know it sucks being sick like that and alone, but I bet you could’ve compromised with your fiancé to spend the night at your friend’s place to play nurse.
Again, this compromise would have been achievable if you had communicated your intentions to him. It just makes more sense to go to someone’s house to care for them when the germs are already there instead of spreading the germs further into your house. I understand you’re still getting used to living with your fiancé so maybe it didn’t cross your mind to say something, but when you live with someone you have to take their comfort into consideration (and he should do the same for you if something comes up).
Compromise is key to living together and you didn’t give him a chance to compromise.” cosmiccanis
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Even if your SO wasn’t a germaphobe, bringing a sick person into your house was inappropriate especially when it seemed like you didn’t have an extra room for them where you can keep them away from the rest of the house. You don’t just let sick people stay in the most public place in your house.
That’s extremely unhygienic. Bringing your friend to your house was also unnecessary. You could’ve just taken care of them at their own home.” tingtongting12
Another User Comments:
“I’d be upset if I came home and there was someone puking their lungs out ON MY COUCH and IN MY LIVING ROOM. That is unhygienic. You seem a bit too concerned with your friend’s “comfort” in comparison to your fiancé’s comfort and peace of mind in his own home.
It is a bit concerning that you didn’t think of your fiance (and roommate) this entire time. Imagine working throughout the night and coming home to your sanctuary, with the fresh smell of vomit in the air AND it belongs to someone who doesn’t even live there. Not cool OP. YTJ.” inthewrongcountry
Another User Comments:
“ESH – your fiancé is overreacting with the steam-cleaning, but at the same time, I can definitely understand someone feeling very uncomfortable with a contagious person being brought into their home.
You should have spent time at your friend’s house if you wanted to take care of him.” skyboundzuri
9. AITJ For Forgetting My Friend's Birthday?
“I have been friends with her for less than 2 years and it’s her second birthday after she has started her transition. I have not known her before that but she has obviously had a terrible life having to be someone she’s not and being raised in a completely narrow-minded society but she has her parents’ full support now.
Now she has always had dysphoria and is constantly worried and we all (including our college mates and teachers) always try our best to put her at ease and sometimes it works. I have never had a problem with being there to comfort her through one of her low points and try to pick her up.
But I have my own problems with my mom living in a different state and having to take care of the cooking and cleaning of the house since I am the eldest with one younger sister.
My dad is one of those overprotective fathers so he has to know all that I am doing and I usually get away with stuff by lying.
However last week I almost got outed as bi to my dad. I have no idea who tried to do that since I have only ever been with one girl and we didn’t really go out very publicly since I was scared. I didn’t even click pics together which probably helped me get out of it by lying to him about being straight.
So I have had a lot on my plate and my father is still suspicious of me and it’s obviously stressful and so I decided to not go to college the other day and calm myself down, unfortunately forgetting that it was my friend’s birthday and so she texts me all these I hate you messages and how I should have at least wished her, not listening to me trying to tell her I didn’t even know what date was that day.
Her birthday means a lot to her and she always says how we are her only friends after she came out and I get our wishes are important but I can’t always be there for her since I already have too many responsibilities. She has her own family who she was upset with because her mom said “I want both my daughters to be beautiful, why don’t you try losing a little weight to look better in that dress” and she blocked her parents on phone for that and started crying about how she hates her mother… I get that it was crappy but I really don’t have time to babysit her I already have enough hands full with taking care of my sister and not getting kicked out of the house for liking girls…
And so I may have snapped at her to just leave me alone and grow up and that I wasn’t her mom or father who would put up with her constant whining for attention
My other friend said that I shouldn’t have snapped at her like that cause she called her crying and I really don’t know anymore …
Did I really overreact?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m sure it’s tough being “in the closet”, but your current issues are no reason to miss a birthday. You’re at least a teenager and obviously have a mobile phone. Every phone comes with a calendar that you can put important dates on.
Birthday entries should have AT LEAST three reminders:
-
1 month before
-
1 week before
-
Day of
There is no excuse to “forget” a birthday anymore.” gevander2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Even with all the drama, it’s still an uncool move to forget your friend’s birthday. But then blowing up when you knew it was important to her and her feelings were hurt, was definitely a jerk move.” PurpleBrunetteOKC
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re throwing out a whole lot of excuses for forgetting to say two little words…
Real friends remember birthdays, and when they forget they apologize like an adult.
They don’t word vomit a ton of excuses.” ollyator
Another User Comments:
“ESH – It probably wasn’t the best to snap at her, it could have been handled better. She could have managed her emotions better too, but it is pretty common for people early in the transition to experience a ‘second puberty’ where chemicals and emotions all go to crap. Doesn’t excuse her behavior, but may inform it.” shikonneko
8. AITJ For Leaving My Roommate Stranded At The Convenience Store?
“Last night, my roommate Skinny Pete (26M) said he was going to walk to the nearby convenience store about 6 blocks away. My friend Combo (23M) and I (23M) were just about to grab a bite to eat, so I offered to drop him off on the way and pick him up when we’d gotten our food.
He asked me to buy him a milkshake; my pleasure.
As Skinny Pete was exiting my vehicle at the store, our mutual friend Badger, (33M) who lives across the street from the store, stopped on his way in to greet us before going about his business. We got the food and rolled back to the store to see if he was ready; he wasn’t ready.
Combo asked me to take him to the gas station so he could buy a pack of smokes (the convenience store upcharges). We go to the gas station, Combo gets his smokes and I get a drink.
Skinny Pete is out of sight. We park and go into the store to search for him, to no avail. I call his cell phone, no answer. I roll around the block, but still can’t find him.
I check if he went to Badger’s place to wait. Nope.
At this point, I’m thinking, “he was going to walk before, maybe he started walking home already.” We drive around, but don’t see him anywhere. We truly did search for him, just couldn’t find him, so we head to the house. When we arrive, he’s not home.
About an hour later, Skinny Pete comes crashing in yelling “dude, what the heck!?!” I ask what was up, to which he responds “I literally waited on you for almost an hour, why the heck didn’t you pick me up!?!” I could tell he was livid.
I explained that we came by and didn’t see him, then went to the gas station, came back and searched for him inside, outside, and around the store, called his phone, checked with Badger, and drove down the nearby streets.
He was obviously very angry, swearing that he was waiting right outside the store and that we never came looking for him. My response was “I’m sorry, man.
We couldn’t find you. What do you want me to say?” to which he responded, “yeah, whatever”.
I directed his attention to his milkshake, which he took with an “ugh” and a very sarcastic “Oh sure, right. Because this is supposed to make it all better.” I didn’t even entertain that with a response. He’s been egregiously passive-aggressive toward me ever since, having said maybe 10 words to me all day today and ignoring most of anything I’ve done or said to him.
I understand his frustration, but come on; it’s been a whole day. It really irks me that he’s still upset with me, and it makes me question myself. I’ve done my best to accurately relay the facts as I know them; however, I’m no impartial juror in this matter. Now I ask you, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. You texted him and he did not respond.
Also, the store was only like 6 blocks away from your home. The fact that he waited for an hour was his fault. He could have easily walked home in like 10 minutes.” maryolivia2000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You literally did nothing wrong. You took him there in the first place when he was going to walk, which you didn’t need to do, and looked for him.
If he wasn’t there it’s his own fault.” Booksmadeofgold
7. AITJ For Wanting To Reach Out To An Old Toxic Friend?
“Last year I (M15) began to start ignoring someone I considered my best friend (M15) because I started to believe he wasn’t very good for me. He had another friend to whom he was very close, and my jealousy was very consuming. My best friend at the time’s parents found out that I was gay (he’s gay too, they thought I was contaminating him or something) so we couldn’t hang out outside of school, but he could still hang out with his other friend.
This other friend? I have some serious problems with him, he is a complete jerk. But, back to my old best friend. I had him in some of my classes so it was kind of ok to see and talk to him, but I just got so tired of always being his 2nd choice. So, I began to start ignoring him. I stopped walking with him as much until I didn’t anymore.
Or talking to him. I never blocked his number, but he never texted. After I started distancing myself, he didn’t stop me, he didn’t fight for me. And that made me feel kind of terrible about myself as well. I genuinely care about this kid, does he not care about me at all? I never told him why I did this, it was extremely hard for me to, but I told myself it was for the better.
I’m still not sure if he knows.
A summer passes and I burn & drown remnants of our friendship in an emotional rage. Pictures, gifts, and drawings, all gone. The memories don’t go. High School begins, and we have 5th period together. On the first day he sat next to me, but we exchanged no words or glances. It has been over 6 months now.
He has tried to call me on occasion, but only with that friend I was jealous of along with him. Every time they call I feel like a joke like the call is for them to laugh at me. I know they’re both still friends, probably closer than ever. Recently I’ve had some extreme stressors in my life that have made me very nostalgic for our friendship and missing that very much in the rough time that I’m having right now.
So, I began to email him – throwing out a fishing rod for us to talk again. He took no bait, and in fact, began sending back very hostile emails about how terrible I was. One such email told me to “Get a life”. I even offered him some fresh baked sugar cookies yesterday as a “casual” conversation starter to someone I haven’t spoken to in over a year.
His response was a blunt “screw off.”
There’s a ton of history that I’m leaving out, but AITJ for trying to reach out to him again? I understand that I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year now, but he hasn’t reached out to me either. I really miss him and want to start talking to him again, but he’s telling me that I’m being a jerk by even trying to reach out to him.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, he wasn’t being toxic by having another friend that he was close to and you grew jealous of. You’re the one that cut off contact in an effort to “make him fight for you”. That’s a step in the emotional direction, instead of just being direct about what was going on. He tried calling you but you let your jealousy and paranoia stop you from speaking to him.
Own your jealousy and mistakes, use this as a learning experience to always communicate, and try some counseling.” TasteTheGraveyard
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You need to leave him alone, it sounds to me like he is trying to stay away from you and you can’t let go. It sounds like you are obsessing over an ex.
Don’t talk to him. If he talks to you, ignore him.
Smh, no one has the time or patience for bull like this. Just grow up and move on.
There is no soft way around this. As you get older, you start to realize the power of saying no. No to food that’s bad for you, no to doing stupid things, and no to people or groups that don’t force you to be a better person.” RapMastaC1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Do not reach out. You stopped seeing him because you started to believe he was not good for you. You were right. Do not reach out!
You need therapy. Immediately. You left a lot out. Even so, I can tell by your post that this situation has really messed with you. Talk to the school counselor they should be able to find you someone to talk to.” 4games1
6. AITJ For Wanting To Kick Out My Brother-In-Law?
“My wife’s brother is going through hard times, most of his own doing. A few years back he got in a driving accident that left the other motorist injured, he spent a year in jail. Since getting out he’s done nothing but blame others for all his problems, constantly cussing out other family members, and saying horrible things to his parents, sisters, and brothers alike.
He’s made no effort to work on his life, get his license back, stop drinking, or do anything remotely productive.
He was living in a motel by his current job with a fellow employee, but the co-worker got laid off and he claimed he couldn’t afford the motel alone. He’s burned pretty much all his bridges in the family so much that he wasn’t invited to his sister’s recent wedding.
He told my wife he stayed under a bridge for a night or two (Which I think is a complete lie) but he asked if he could crash in our guest room for a couple of nights. Bless my wife, she has the biggest heart, and even though he’s treated her and everyone in her family like crap for the last few years she said that’s still her brother and she can’t let him stay under a bridge.
A couple of days turned into a week, then 2, and now it’s almost been a month. He is giving us some rent weekly, however, I still feel like he’s taking advantage of my wife’s generosity and that we’re essentially enabling him to continue to drift through life. Now the guy’s never personally done anything to me, other than treating my wife like crap, but she tolerates it.
However we really just don’t have much in common and I really just don’t like being around him.
I have to spend 3 hours alone with the guy every day after work before my wife gets home from work and it’s usually just awkward and generally not enjoyable. He has a decent job, making over $20/hr so I don’t for one second believe he can’t afford to get a place by his work and do his own thing.
When he first came my wife made it clear this wasn’t a permanent solution and he needed to get his affairs in order and find a place. He’s made himself real cozy in our guest room and comes home from work every day, drinks a 40 oz or 2, plays video games then goes to bed.
Now maybe he’s looking for places or trying to figure stuff out throughout the day, but from my perspective, it really doesn’t seem like it.
If I’m being honest aside from the feeling that he’s taking advantage of us, I also just don’t want him around. It’s my house, I work hard to have the things I have, and when I come home I want to relax and be comfortable and with him around I don’t even enjoy being in my own home. He’s in his late 20s and has a decent job, and I feel like it’s time for him to spread his wings and fend for himself, if he ends up under a bridge he has no one to blame but himself.
Am I the jerk for feeling this way and wanting to kick him out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because I can’t see a situation whereby you would be the jerk for managing your own home but could I suggest bringing up some ground rules to your wife first before deciding to kick him out? You say he is paying you a sum of money but maybe finalize a set sum of what the guest room is worth and also give him a set of chores to do in the house.
If he doesn’t make an effort to do any then you will have grounds to tell your wife you want him out.” staygr4nd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but isn’t there a middle ground between the situation as it is and kicking him out? Can there not be more of a supportive plan negotiated to get him out on his own?” Crystal-Hedgehog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your home. You’ve been compassionate. Handle this maturely, though, by talking to your wife and agreeing on a time frame for him to get his affairs in order and get out, and then stick to it.” Free_Mars
5. AITJ For Changing My Friend's Plans?
“I’ve been best friends with Josh (fake name) for 4 years. Most problems were usually caused by; a friend saying something slightly negative about him, or a new friend in the group spreads rumors to cause drama and Josh takes their side.
He took my side sometimes even when I was wrong, and always felt bad when I got him a gift for his bday (he got me a gift once). We’d be on the phone most nights for 3+ hours asking me for tech advice. I’d almost do a speech of advice. He wouldn’t act on much I said.
There are two smaller groups in our friend group; One who’s been friends for years and works to save money and enjoy the simple life.
One that has been friends for less than 2 years likes to go out and spend more to enjoy life. Josh has been favoring the second group, up for spending hundreds just to escape life, and has been on relationship apps, but seemed to find tiny reasons to not continue seeing each girl (ex. wearing comfortable/casual clothes to a fancy mall).
For the past month, Josh and I had planned to drive down to FL and stay at his relative’s place with my partner and another friend.
One day he called me to say he can’t go with us and hung up soon after. My partner and I called the other friend and in an hour we had planned a road trip around a neighboring state. Josh called and said he’s now going to FL with family and will meet up with us down there. expecting us to still be going down to FL.
I said I would consider both plans for a couple of days, to calm him down. The next day the other friend and I hung out while Josh worked. Later met up at Josh’s. The other friend got there before me and said I definitely wasn’t gonna go to FL.
This REALLY set him off, going on a tyrant accusing me of backing out of all his plans (ex.
trip to LA in an AirBNB for like $400/night because it’s owned by a member of L***O), manipulating our friends, being a crappy friend, etc. He called me some REAL bad names (through school I was bullied physically, emotionally, socially, and VERBAL). He wasn’t gonna listen and just wanted me to react so he can have a clean conscious playing the victim. I did not respond, only kindly asked if he wanted me to leave.
I stayed up all night with some first group friends talking about Josh. Who texted me to tell me not to try to contact him, later text me asking if I saw how horrible my actions were. I decided to listen to his original text. Since then he’s called me once and texted me about how he’s so hurt how I went “behind his back” and changed “his” plans.
In his last text, he claimed it was behind him but he’d lost respect for me. He worded it so anyway I answer would seem like I’m crawling back. It’s been two days since his last text and I still haven’t answered but am having a random, small party with the first friend group, and ROADTRIP.”
Another User Comments:
“Whew, NTJ.
Bullet dodged. Block him and if you see him in person grey rock him.
Acknowledge him but don’t react. He comes off as manipulative and that’s not good.” CyborgsRHere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, take this as a situation where the trash took itself out. Don’t bother trying to mend that fence. Move on with your life.” terayonjf
4. WIBTJ For Giving My Uncle An Ultimatum?
“My (33f) estranged father (68m) recently passed away. I had reconnected with him some in his last days, as had his brothers, James, John, and Benjamin (ages 70+).
As his only heir, I stand to inherit most of his estate, but frankly, much of it has gone missing, and uncles James and Benjamin are the only real suspects. I don’t really care about this. I figured I would be disinherited and I’m not in this for the money. However, I find the whole thing stressful and my remaining parents and my father’s two best friends have graciously stepped up to take care of my father’s tools and vehicles for me.
I was recently informed that, while my stepfather and my father’s best friend were working at my father’s house, Uncle James showed up. Allegedly he cursed at my stepfather, made extremely disparaging remarks about my mother blaming her for my father’s conduct toward her, and called my stepfather a bad name for condemning my dad’s behavior. Bear in mind, that it’s been a good 25 years since my parents were together, although it’s been much less than that since my mother’s order of protection against my father expired, and much less than THAT since the last nightmare I had about my father.
I am livid about this. I had forgiven my dad, somewhat, for his conduct, but my uncle had no business saying that, and I know I can’t hold my tongue if I see him. My current plan of action is to tell Uncle John, who isn’t bad and mostly values the family name and reputation, that I won’t attend the funeral unless the person who said X, Y, and Z about my mother to my stepfather is forbidden from attending.
I was thinking I would say it, at first, without naming names so Uncle John’s decision is based on my feelings and not “well my brother wouldn’t do that.”
However, I am worried that this is unduly cruel to John, who has tried to keep people together and who, despite a few recent missteps, has always been decent to me. I will not attend the memorial if James is there, period, but perhaps it would be kinder to John to just ghost everyone in the family.
I don’t feel doing so is fair to me, though. I ghosted the family before when fighting with my father over my refusal to go back to my ex (whose conduct was similar to, but not as bad as, my father’s) and my general disinterest in being a wife to anyone, because who would ever care what I had to say? I ghosted my mom’s family when there was conflict over my grandmother’s care and estate, because who would ever believe me over anyone else?
I’m tired of avoiding conflict. I want the one b***d relative on dad’s side I don’t distrust and despise to choose me or lose me forever. I want to feel physically safe at my dad’s funeral, and I can’t do that if someone who thinks women have to be put in their place is there.
Would I be the jerk if I gave my uncle John an ultimatum about uncle James attending the memorial instead of simply ghosting my entire family in order to not attend?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I feel like you shouldn’t give your good uncle an ultimatum. He’s having a hard enough time I’m sure. If I were you I would just hold my tongue while at the funeral and be the mature adult if you really want to keep the family connection alive.
If not just ghost them.” blamb66
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
There is a lot of middle ground that doesn’t need it to just be one of either extreme.” The_Loosest_Moose93
3. AITJ For Drinking Too Much In Vegas?
“My partner (m27) of 4 years and I (f28) recently went to Las Vegas for a small vacation. He knows I drink on vacations, I usually know my limits, but I guess I just wasn’t aware of the strength of the frozen daiquiris I was drinking. I don’t normally drink frozen daiquiris, I usually stick to beer and wine.
I got really, really intoxicated while walking the strip with my partner, I kept apologizing to him profusely because I know he shouldn’t have to take care of me and I didn’t mean to get that intoxicated.
But also, I wasn’t “having a filter” with some things I said and he got offended. I don’t remember having any ill intentions, I think they were just misunderstandings because I couldn’t word my thoughts correctly since I was so wasted.
One example is that he was offended I called him uneducated, whereas I remember the context of the conversation and I was just trying to say “oh since you’re not really educated in this topic you wouldn’t know blah blah.”
He was so offended that he said he wanted space, and when I tried to ask him why, he said he’ll tell me after our vacation is over. I persisted because I felt sad and obviously started getting emotional as I felt I did something wrong, so I kept bothering him to tell me what happened so we can talk about it.
He got frustrated and walked away, and the next thing I was wandering around alone for a few hours, intoxicated off a perk on the Las Vegas boulevard.
I called my mom crying because I had no idea what to do, who then called my partner screaming at him for leaving me alone.
We eventually met up and some hateful words were said to each other out of anger.
Fast forward to now, about 2 days later.
We apologized for the things we said when we were hurt, we’ve made amends for the most part, and are recovering from the fight, the only issue is we are still in disagreement that it was wrong to leave me alone in the heat of the moment.
He believes he was justified in leaving me because he was angry and needed space, while I understand that in normal situations, I feel like safety is more important than our feelings and that if he was that angry we should’ve walked somewhere safer and just not talked but still stayed close together.
I felt uncared for that he just left me intoxicated in Las Vegas alone, though I am aware I shouldn’t have drank to that point, to begin with, it wasn’t intentional. I apologized for not having a filter when I was intoxicated and tried to explain to him I didn’t mean it like that (he doesn’t drink so I’m not sure he understands like, how the loss of inhibition or inability to speak is a thing).
He felt uncared for when I was being insulting while I was intoxicated and that I got mad at him for leaving me and not giving him space.
AITJ for thinking our safety should come before feelings, and that whatever fight we had could be worked out in a less dramatic way once I sobered up?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I’ve been the intoxicated girl with no filter and there’s no excuse for it.
Mean is mean. If you’re going to be cruel to a loved one when you’re intoxicated, don’t drink, and being intoxicated is no excuse for hurting someone, emotionally or physically.
For him, yes I’m sure he wanted to be away from you, but leaving someone you’re in a committed relationship with in a potentially dangerous situation when she is at diminished capacity isn’t cool either.
You were being obnoxious but you’d have been obnoxious if you’d been boneless and crying (which I did in NoLa), but likely wouldn’t have led to your desertion, but your care.
It happened; it’s in the past, so I don’t know that I’d push him on his half. Particularly sober, getting a symphony of mean rattled at you is awful and exhausting.
I’d more take it as a sign not to let this situation happen again. That may mean not drinking, drinking less, or making sure that you don’t have unresolved issues that get “realness” applied through booze. If he habitually ditches you in odd locations after fights, that’s its own problem to be addressed.
This may sound harsh but I have been the jerk here so I speak from experience.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I will go with NTJ, because he was a WAY bigger jerk for leaving you in a vulnerable state like that – you could have been in danger. The mature thing to do would have been to take you back to your hotel, then go off on his own. Frozen blended drinks can REALLY land you on your butt, and yeah, you can end up saying stuff you don’t even mean, or that comes out so badly that the person you’re talking to gets completely the wrong idea.
Booze poisoning can make you paranoid or aggressive. It affects the brain.
You had accidentally too much booze, these were SYMPTOMS. Sure, it must have been upsetting for him and you totally owe him big apologies, but he shouldn’t have just screwed off and abandoned you in a strange and dangerous city out of your mind on drinks. You could have been mugged or assaulted. You could have been kidnapped.
I remember this happened to me once with a friend – I got bought a few drinks that put me over my limit and I was so crap-faced I just wanted to leave. My mate was really ticked off with me, and he made this clear on the drive home. But he still took me home. He still waited until I got into my door before peeling out.
Because he wasn’t a jerk.
I would never leave a friend or partner in danger, no matter what they did. It might be the last evening I ever spent with them, but even if that was the end of the road, I still don’t want them to end up on the news because I walked away and left them incapacitated and vulnerable. My ego can wait until they’re safe.” Amonette2012
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You can feel uncared for if you like, however, the fact is that all of that happened as a result of you drinking too much, being obnoxious, insulting your partner, and overall being a huge witch.
I actually think he had no responsibility to take care of your grown self at that point but should have called the cops on you to make sure you’re safe at least, also giving you time to think about what a jerk you’ve been and how everything that’s happening is your fault.
Once you got out I would have broken up with you on the spot and erased you from my life completely, good riddance.
I have no sympathy for boozy jerks.” wolfviper69
Another User Comments:
“You may have been a mean intoxicated, but overall, NTJ. I don’t give a crap how awful and intoxicated and mean your friend/SO is being, you do not ABANDON them.
Especially if they’re female/female-presenting. Especially if you’re in a strange city.
Seriously, all of you who are saying OP is the jerk or that everyone sucks, what the heck is wrong with you? She’s an intoxicated woman, alone on the strip, bc her partner abandoned her because she hurt his feelings. Do you know what happens to intoxicated women when they’re alone?
Do you?
My partner, no matter what I said to him in an intoxicated state, would never leave me in an unsafe situation. You may have crossed some lines while intoxicated (and may need to re-evaluate your relationship with booze to make sure that your substance use is healthy) but by no stretch of the imagination does that justify your SO leaving you in an unsafe situation.
Christ.
I’m glad you’re safe, OP. My heart dropped while I was reading this, expecting the worst.” Reddit user
2. AITJ For Wanting My Deposit Back In Full?
“I’ve lived in my condo for almost 6 years. All things done with permission.
The ceiling flooded soon after moving in. I have likely asbestos-containing popcorn ceilings. My landlord hired a handyman to cut into the ceilings. Dust went everywhere.
In October 2019, my ceiling flooded again, but this time it was much worse and there were streams of water pouring out of the ceiling.
Both times when my ceiling was flooded I was not given any compensation or reduction in rent. Wish I had renter’s insurance but I was not able to afford the extra $450+ a year for a water damage plan, but I digress.
The person who worked on my house this time was so messy that I had to have my landlord come down and clean it.
After my landlord cleaned up, I ended up hiring someone to come clean it even further because it still wasn’t clean.
In 2017 my floor flooded. Like, step on the floor and water comes up between the boards kind of flooded. I had to be out of my condo for 2 weeks.
I replaced every door knob and hinge.
Pressure washed and sanded my back porch.
Installed new towel and toilet paper holders in both bathrooms. Took down some old, moldy sliding glass shower doors.
Replaced most light switches and outlets as old ones were broken. Had the upstairs bathroom floor replaced – $500. Under old tiles were moldy and had asbestos glue.
My dog, whom I paid a deposit on, passed away. I did “inherit” another dog while my other was alive.
Offered to pay the deposit. LL said I didn’t have to, but she used the whole “you didn’t pay a pet deposit” scheme on me when I’d ask for compensation.
Got a cat. Offered to pay the deposit. She denied but used it against me.
Painted part of the downstairs teal. LL wants me to paint it back to a neutral color, but the beige on the walls around the teal looks awful and needs to be repainted. She wants me to paint everything back downstairs so she can sell it “easier”.
The bathroom ceiling is moldy. I have had to buy paint made for mold.
One side of my sliding glass mirror door is shattered but in a small area. Still my fault.
The cat scratched a small area of the carpet. Replaced carpet with closely matching sample.
She also consistently talks to me like I’m a child (I’m 29), but that’s a whole other subject.
Today I was talking to her about getting my deposit back. She said she had to fix up several things for her to be able to sell (referring to having to update the place). She then started talking about how she didn’t know how much it would cost her to replace the glass in the mirror that was broken. I said I really wish she’d give me my full deposit back because of all the work I had done.
She made a sound with her voice like “eh I don’t know”.
I finally said to her “you are only out to get every dollar.” She got annoyed and hung up on me. Btw, she was supposed to come out last week with a plumber to fix my toilet upstairs. Told me today she forgot.
AITJ for wanting my full deposit back?
Edit: Talking to a lawyer Monday to see what I can do legally for her not testing the ceiling for asbestos and having the ceiling cut into twice.
Also, I had not messaged her since telling her she was “out for every dollar,” but she sent me a snarky message with photos of a listing of a similar condo for $100 more per month with the quote “Chasing the dollar LOL.”
I guess she thinks she needs a cookie for not upping my rent to a ridiculous amount.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, look into laws surrounding security deposits in your state.
In many states, the landlord has to handle and documents security deposits in very specific ways to have grounds to withhold ANY of it.
I’m not a lawyer but here’s some info based on personal experience (both as tenant and landlord):
In Massachusetts (where I am, again laws vary by state), landlords are required to provide a statement of conditions on the place that you both sign, put the security deposit in an escrow account, and provide you with the account information.
I believe this all has to be done within 30 days of the lease starting. If the landlord has not done all of these things, they are not entitled to withhold a penny of your security deposit. I believe, Illinois is similar, based on my sister’s experience. Also, I think they have to provide actual receipts for any amount deducted from your security deposit within a certain amount of time even if they did everything by the book on the front end.
Furthermore, legal penalties for trying to illegally withhold a security deposit are typically very high. (In Mass, I believe it is up 4x the deposit plus lawyers fees but again not a lawyer. Actual lawyers feel free to jump in.)
I highly recommend looking into security deposit laws in your state immediately. Also what you would need to do to document a good faith effort on your part to get the security deposit before seeking legal recourse (e.g. sending a certified letter outlining any lack of legal grounds for withholding your deposit.) Again, actual lawyers, please correct and/or elaborate.
Sounds like she was a crappy landlord in many ways but the simplest way to get your deposit back might be to catch on a clear-cut technicality.” jubyIee
Another User Comments:
“Don’t do improvements you weren’t asked to do specifically. It’s not your place, it’s theirs, and they should have done it—possibly if the lease agreement allowed for these circumstances you might have moved out and saved yourself the trouble.
Don’t spend your own dime on a house owned by a landlord doing the bare minimum required under the agreement, because you can’t then use that to get them to give your deposit back, especially when your cat scratched up the deposit.
I’m sure you’re a great renter, but don’t go above and beyond for people like this, and never when not asked to do something and being paid for it in advance.
Your landlady sounds like a real piece of work, but next time a deposit you offered to make is refused, make it anyway in cash and get it documented what it’s for so they can’t use it against you later (let’s not act like that wasn’t her intent by refusing pet deposits).
Holy crap I’m sorry that happened to you.
But even if it’s to improve your quality of life, I can’t express enough not to spend your own money on improvements they won’t make, when you could move out instead and may have grounds to just get out of the lease without paying anything.
NTJ. That sucks.” the_paradox_lounge
Another User Comments:
“EHS. Why were you doing so much maintenance instead of asking the landlord to do it?
If your landlord wasn’t doing it why not exercise your renter’s rights to force them. Doing stuff on your own and then telling your landlord to give you your whole deposit because you made alterations is usually against the lease. I mean I am no fan of landlords trying to squeeze every cent out of people. But, it sounds like you volunteered to make a bunch of upgrades and are now upset that the remaining damage will come out of your deposit?
In the future, make sure you know your renter rights (city and state) and never do repairs yourself outside of lease terms and your enforceable rights. Keep detailed records of the state of the place when you move in and a log of any ongoing damage and what remedies were done. Send copies to your landlord. When you move out, compare the state of the apartment with the record.
You will more likely get your deposit back that way.” throwawayaccnt14248
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I do believe the LL tried to snow you about the pet deposits. But honestly, if you were not asked to do this stuff, you should have left it. Anything hazardous should have been reported to the owner, and anything cosmetic just plain shouldn’t have been done. This sounds like a DIY nightmare, and I highly doubt you ran every one of these things by her before doing it.
Also, if something happens, and you don’t have renters insurance and the landlord fixes the issue, you’re not entitled to a reduction in rent. In all the places I’ve lived, I’ve never seen a lease like that. That would just be stupid on the part of the lessor.
No one should ever expect their deposit back. By all means, fight for it, but going into a lease believing that you’ll get the full amount back when you leave just sets you up for disappointment.” kmp_n_d
1. AITJ For Going To Winter Formal Even Though My Partner Couldn't?
“So I (17 M) am a senior in high school and have been seeing my partner (17 F) for almost two years now.
Last Friday was our school’s winter formal dance, which at our school is a big deal. It’s basically the last big school dance for the seniors before everyone goes off to college. We do have a prom, but seniors ditch prom for someone’s house party every year anyways.
So the problem is that my partner’s family is straight-up treacherous and very religious, and they don’t know we’re seeing each other.
She plans to go no contact with them after college, but her family is also very wealthy, and they really pressure her to do well in school and will pay for her to go to an Ivy League College (She’s a shoo-in to go to any ivy of her choice, she’s a straight A student, about to be valedictorian, involved in politics, volunteering, amazing harpist, etc, etc…).
So long story short our relationship is a secret and always has been to her family.
Her family has never let her go to any school dance or really go out in general, she isn’t even allowed to get a driver’s license. I have always gone to school dances with a group of friends, which I think she has always kind of accepted. She begged her parents to let her go to just this one, but they of course wouldn’t especially because it’s supposed to be a romantic dance and they think she’s going to get wasted and hook up and blah blah blah.
So initially I could tell that she was really upset about it. She knew that I was going with my friends, and she told me that it was okay initially, but I could tell she was pretty sad. I asked her if she wanted me to stay home and call her that night. She said no, that I should go to the dance, even though I could tell she wasn’t really happy to say that.
When the day came I just went to the formal with my friends and had a good time. I didn’t really have time to text her the day of the formal because my basketball team was participating in a tournament all day, but she did send me a few texts that day about how sad she was about the dance.
I texted her when I got back home from the formal, and she blew up at me and said that I shouldn’t have gone and that I should have stayed home in solidarity with her to support her.
And to clarify, that means her at her house, me at my house, there’s no way her parents would let her out of the house on the night of the formal. She said I should have seen her hurting and stayed home. I apologized for going, but I also feel like she shouldn’t have gotten mad at me. I feel like even though she’s in a bad situation she shouldn’t expect other people to put themselves there too, and she never asked me to stay home with her until after the fact.
She’s still mad at me for going, and she said she feels like she missed out on a crucial part of the high school experience with no support. AITJ for not staying home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She had many opportunities to speak up about what she wanted and she chose not to. I get she was acting mopey but that would be a normal reaction.
Not feeling the need to verbalize your desires and expecting your partner to be a mind reader is a sure set up for failure. I get that you both are still young, but you aren’t little kids. It’s your senior year and you should enjoy it with your friends. While I do feel for her situation, it’s not fair of her to expect you to miss out on a big night, especially when this had been the arrangement for all the other dances.
She is being selfish, especially given the fact that you two wouldn’t have even been together had you stayed home. You both would have been miserable. But, you know what they say, ‘Misery loves company.'” TakeAWlkOnTheWldSyd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right – she is indeed in a bad situation, but that doesn’t give her the right to drag you down. And some bonus advice – bust out of this Capulets and Montagues situation and find someone new (unless your partner is willing to cross the Rubicon and make your relationship public).
I checked the Vegas odds on you guys making it all the way through college together (with her still deferring to her awful and religious family, and keeping you hidden), and they sit squarely at 0.0%. Have some fun your last few months of high school – your future wife (at some other school) probably is.” mister-paul
Another User Comments:
“NTJ or ESH. She seemed to outright tell you it was okay for you to go, but her other interactions and obvious expressions of sadness indicate otherwise.
You seemed to pick the route that was most enjoyable for you, which is understandable as you’re 17. Also, she shouldn’t have been passive about it and should have just asked you to stay home, though then it would have seemed controlling. The entire situation sounds like it sucks for everyone.” pixelatednarcissist
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This was your total opportunity to string some lights, make some cheesy decorations, get a punch bowl and play some crappy music with a banner saying ‘Our winter formal 2020.’
But you don’t think of things like that.” The_Loosest_Moose93
