People Feel Worn Out By These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Speaking Russian And Excluding A Friend Who Demanded English?
“I speak both English and Russian, and my friend group is literally just Russian speakers. I used to have no friends, and the reason I met this group is because we were all Russian speakers.
So you guys know those annoying popular girls who try to make friends with everyone? One of them, let’s call her Claire, decided they wanted to become a part of our group. It was fine. I did not mind translating back and forth (the rest of the group does not speak amazing English, hence why their friend group is a bunch of Russian speakers, and English is actually my first language; however, I learned Russian at a young age from my grandparents).
The reason I translated, rather than the group switching languages, is because it’s pretty stressful on them living in Canada and having to speak English all the time, and they are not going to be forced to speak a specific language because of one person.
In fact, it’s probably pretty nice for them to have some other Russian speakers in their lives outside of home. We are all still in high school, so all our classes are in English/French. The only time we ever speak in Russian is during our lunch break/spares.
However, the problems started when Claire said, “Why can’t you guys speak English like normal people?” and also “It’s really insensitive of you guys to be speaking Russian after everything with Ukraine.” I pointed out that a lot of Ukrainians speak Russian, and then she claimed I was lying.
I then started naming regions of Ukraine where they speak Russian, and then she claimed I was “making crap up.”
This crap went on for a few weeks until the entire group decided we had had enough, and we completely ignored her; I just didn’t translate anything.
She called me a jerk for continuing to speak Russian (it’s “insensitive”) and saying we were excluding her, which we kind of were, and this is where I might be the jerk. But I also believe it makes no sense for someone to approach a group of Russian speakers, try to befriend them, and then call them insensitive for just speaking a goddam language.
You wouldn’t go up to Chinese speakers and call them insensitive jerks for speaking Chinese because of the horrible stuff China is doing. It’s not like we were denying her a friend group. She has a huge friend group already; she just decided to join us for some reason.
So what do you think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Jesus… what? If we can speak a language because it invaded another country, we (humanity) would be mute. Especially English. Britain is notorious for conquering others across hundreds of years, and the US is another example of historic invaders, but not quite compared to Brits.
Speak whatever you want.” Thediciplematt
Another User Comments:
“It’s always the ignorant ones with the biggest mouths. Ukrainians, especially Older ones, speak Russian. So do people from many Eastern European countries. You are right to ignore her. Also ask your history teacher if he could give a mini lesson on the Soviet Union and the Russian language.” Jordren
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but watch out. It can be irritating. I have some friends who are Spanish speakers, and they often have little conversations and don’t translate it all. Sometimes I think I understand because I speak French, so there’s some overlap with English too.
It’s not a problem, but don’t do too much. I know it’s tempting to talk about others ‘secretly’ in Russian. Also, there are instant translate apps on phones; I’d be using that to listen to what you say if I thought you were talking about me.” 867_-_5309
22. AITJ For Being Upset When My Partner Rubbed A Toenail On Me?
“From the moment I arrived at his house, he was in a mood with something on his PC.
I asked, “What was up?” And he kicked off telling me to stay out of it and go away. Fine, he’s in a mood; I’ll leave him. I put my jacket on his bed and sit down and scroll Instagram. He then gets moody and says, “Can you move your jacket?” And I say, “No,” because I’m upset about the way he’s spoken to me and am more focused on my phone, honestly.
He gets up and throws my jacket full force on the floor and says, “I said move it,” and says it’s my fault that happened. It ended in me in tears, regardless, because he’s not speaking to me and I’m somehow to blame.
As we’re due to go away, I’ve spent each day leading up to this exfoliating, shaving every hair on my body, got my eyelash extensions done, bought new outfits – the works. This is my first week off in a year after working 14 hr days (my partner is in uni and has been off for the past 3 months so isn’t as phased as I am).
I’m dozing off to sleep and he’s on his PC. Next thing I know, he comes over and rubs something on my forehead.. I ask him, “What was that?” And he said, “Toenail,” and starts giggling. I’m like, “What the heck?”
Once I’ve confirmed that he’s not lying, I go into a blind rage about how he disrespected me.
I’m not the angry type, so he thinks I’m joking at this point, but I’m furious. I’m so angry, and all he keeps saying is, “This is pathetic, come on,” and “You’re going to wake my family; be quiet.”
After I’m done kicking off, I’m mortified. I feel humiliated that he’d do that after knowing that I’ve spent so long trying to make myself pretty.
I break down in tears for the 2nd time today, and he simply laughs and says, “Get a grip.”
I cry to the point where some of my eyelash extensions come off, and while he’s agreed to pay for the glue to fix this, it takes a lot of tears to cry eyelash extensions off..
I was on the verge of selling the tickets to our concert and hotel room and going home there and then, but he still maintains that I should have seen the funny side in all this. I can’t help but feel he’s disrespected me and thinks less of me.
I feel about 1 ft tall, and I’m not really speaking to him at the moment. Am I the jerk for being this upset?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the moment he snapped at you to stay out of it, you should have just left his house.
All his behaviour screams red flag, and the fact he is invalidating your feelings shows how little regard he has for you. This time, it escalated to him rubbing a toenail on you; you can’t predict what’s next.” Accurate-Ad-4905
Another User Comments:
“He doesn’t sound very nice, and he doesn’t seem to like you.
Why are you with him? You ask him what is wrong, and he says, “Stay out of it and go away.” Perhaps you should have gone away and just not gone back. He sounds childish; you need to break up with him and get some counseling to determine why you’d stay with him.
NTJ.” HorseygirlWH
Another User Comments:
“So… He can treat you any old, nasty, hateful way, and you have to suck it up and take it; but you have no right to get upset about anything, and also, his moods dictate everything. He sounds like a real catch.
Just kidding, he sounds horribly immature and mean. NTJ. I hope your next partner is nicer to you.” FilthyDaemon
21. AITJ For Not Attending Camping Trips Due To Work Commitments?
“My (37f) husband (37m) has three brothers: a twin, Chris (37m), an older brother, Jake (39m), and a younger brother, Todd (34m). Chris and Jake both love camping and other outdoor activities.
Todd seems to be okay with camping, but his wife and three daughters (13, 8, and 7) aren’t into it.
My husband and his two brothers who are into camping enjoy planning family camping trips. They’ve planned a trip for mid-September that will involve kayaking/canoeing down a river in a state forest, making camp at a spot near the river, and leaving the next day.
The put-in is about 2.5 hours from our house. Jake has three kids, “Lily” (13f), “Peter” (10m), and “Hannah” (18 months). For the camping trip up for discussion, Hannah and Jake’s wife, “Abby,” will be staying home because Hannah is so young. Todd and his family have expressed no interest in coming on the trip.
Chris’s partner is not coming on the trip because she recently broke her foot.
Effectively, the trip will include my husband, Chris, Jake, Lily, and Peter. My husband told me about their plans, and I told him that the weekend of the trip is the weekend before a handful of big projects start for me at work, and that I don’t want to be out of range of service for more than a few hours (I’d prefer to be out of service for 0 hours, but I could make a few work) that weekend, and that I’m not comfortable going on the full trip.
I offered to do the kayak part and leave to sleep at home.
My husband has expressed disappointment that I always “bail” on his planned camping trips and that I’m going to “embarrass him” in front of his brothers if I don’t go. I argued that if I express trepidation about plans immediately after learning about them, that’s not “bailing”; that’s simply not immediately agreeing to participate.
I also argued that if his brothers’ SOs aren’t attending and his brothers don’t feel embarrassed about it, why should he? He said that they have actual reasons not to attend and that I’m “making excuses” not to stay overnight.
We spend time with his family approximately once per month.
We will be spending all of Labor Day with his family. Last weekend, we spent time with his family at the beach, and we all had a great time. I spend time with his family often. I enjoy his family very much, and I cherish the time we spend together.
I cannot cherish the time we spend together if I’m worried that my customer contacts for the projects that are starting in mid-September can’t get ahold of me when they need me because I’ve agreed to be in the middle of a state forest during a crucial weekend.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you’ve said, you aren’t “bailing” on his planned camping trips, you hadn’t agreed to go and changed your mind, you were up front with what will work for you. If your husband doesn’t want to be disappointed when he makes plans which include other people, maybe he should involve everyone before making definite plans.
It’s concerning that he doesn’t think your work commitments are an “actual reason” not to stay the whole time. Maybe I’ve been on AITJ too much, but did they have plans for you to be responsible for the childcare being the only female adult going?” jdragonz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not fair that he excuses everyone else who doesn’t want to go, but you not wanting to go is unacceptable. Maybe if he had a real reason for wanting you to go (planned a surprise or something) it would make sense, but if that were the case he should be nicer about explaining why he wants you to go.
Does him saying you “always bail on his planned camping trips” mean you do it constantly, or was it just one or twice and he is exaggerating?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Camping is not for everyone. And even people who like to camp may not like the particulars of a trip.
I come from a family of campers; we actually just got back from a trip last weekend. This time we only had about 10 people. Sometimes we have close to 30. We totally understand that not everyone can attend each trip, and there are no hard feelings.
If your presence was so important to him, then you should have been consulted during the planning so the trip would meet your needs as well.” terpischore761
20. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Mom's Dog's Kennel?
“I (40m) live across the street from my mom (71f). She had to have major surgery (her surgeon says literal months of recovery, but she only has to have round-the-clock care for about a week) to remove cancer from her bowel, and I’ve been taking care of her.
Backstory. My mom has a beautiful German Shepherd named Tucker. I love this dog, but I’m allergic to him. I can’t spend more than an hour around him without my eyes swelling shut and my skin itching like crazy. Before her surgery, I asked her to put him in the kennel while I was going to be staying at her house taking care of her (post-surgery).
She refused, saying she couldn’t afford it. She went in for her surgery, and it was successful! I am very grateful for that. The day before she was to come home, I put him in the kennel against her wishes.
My reasoning was:
1) I was going to have to basically live with her, taking care of her after her surgery, and I would physically not be able to do that with Tucker here.
2) Her doctor said that having the big dog around was a bad idea because he jumps at her and butts her stomach with his head, and he generally hits her exactly where her surgery staples are.
Even Mom has said that not having him around during this last week (she came home Monday) has been nice.
Now, I may be the jerk for this part. We are getting him from the kennel today, and Mom expects me to pay for it. I have refused. My reasons:
1) It was the medically correct choice for him to not be here during her initial recovery.
Meaning, her refusal to board him was dangerous—even her nurses and Dr. said he shouldn’t be around her for the first few days.
2) I was expected to be here caring for my mom (waiting on her hand and foot) for several days after her surgery, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for accommodation regarding the dog.
If he had been here, I would not have been able to be here.
Understand, I’m not begrudging caring for my mom. I love my mom, and I’ve been doing everything I can to help her. My point of contention is that she expects me to pay for the kennel.
I don’t feel like I had a choice taking Tucker there. In short bursts, I’d be fine, but for what turned out to be the four days that I needed to live here to care for her, I would not have been able to be here while Tucker was here.
AITJ for refusing to pay for the kennel?”
Another User Comments:
“So, you did something she explicitly forbade you to do, she said she can’t afford beforehand, and now you demand that she pays up. You didn’t come to a prior agreement with her; you could not demand she pay.
You may try and argue to split the bill. Soft YTJ” murzicorne
Another User Comments:
“This is a rock and a hard place. Do the decent thing, offer to split it. If that doesn’t work, honestly just pay it. Call it a holiday gift or something.
If you and your mom have such a great relationship, I really think it would be a mistake to make this your hill to die on. She told you she couldn’t afford it. Did you look into any other options? Allergy meds? A friend keeping him?
You did what you felt best. I get it – truly I do! But that doesn’t just let you off the hook. You did a great job taking care of your mom, don’t sour it now.” petmomintheBLC
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your mom said she couldn’t afford it.
Maybe it wasn’t the rational choice, but she’s having cancer removed, so it sounds like she may have been significantly overwhelmed. She was taking your help but not your needs into consideration. You’re allergic and wanted to find a solution, but essentially forced a solution that your mom may really not be able to afford without her knowing until the moment you’re going to the kennel to pick up the dog.
No one would respond well when put on the spot like that.” November-8485
19. AITJ For Refusing To Share Our Sperm Donor?
“I am a lesbian female who has been in a relationship with my wife for 4 years and then married for 2 years (6 years in total).
Because it is expensive in my country to go through a fertility clinic ($40k +) to get pregnant, including a 2-4 year waiting list, we decided to do a home AI (Artificial Insemination), which involved the Cup and syringe method.
Last year I went home for a holiday and was talking to my younger brother (who is also gay) about how we want to start a family.
Funnily enough, one of his friends (who is also gay) donated his sperm once to a clinic (about 5 years ago). He eventually introduced us, and was happy to donate his swimmers (no strings attached). Shoot forward this year, we attempted our first at-home AI and it worked. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant.
Anyways, 2 months ago we slowly started telling friends and extended family. One lesbian couple who is our friend from work is also wanting to start a family as well; they’ve decided to go through the fertility clinic, however, they’ve been on the waiting list for 2 years now.
2 weeks ago, they messaged my wife and asked if they can use our sperm donor. That took me by surprise when my partner told me. I thought about it, and I kind of want to keep our sperm donor to ourselves because we do want to eventually have a 2nd child, and I don’t want them to use him to make their baby and then pass him off to another couple, just the thought of an unknown sibling when they get older and possibly starting a relationship with them.
I have no control over the sperm donor. He can do whatever he pleases if he wants to donate to others. I also never told the sperm donor that they were asking to use his sperm.
My partner had to tell them that I wasn’t wanting them to know who it is, so one of them messaged me, and I had to explain that I’m not keen on sharing our sperm donor and I don’t want to be known at work as the couple whose kids have the same sperm donor (They are more open to share info than we are).
There weren’t any nasty messages, just constant questioning. I did say, “I’ll ask my brother to see if he knows of anyone else (which he didn’t).”
Luckily I don’t work with them, but we do cross paths sometimes at work, during sports games or the occasional chat up with our other groups of friends.
So AITJ for not sharing who our sperm donor is, I know it is hard for us lesbians to find sperm donors.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ makes sense, you don’t want to share who he is. In hindsight, you shouldn’t have told anyone in the first place how you went about it.
Best to keep this info private, but I get your friends want to share their stories on starting a family. If they keep asking, tell them this man doesn’t wish to donate anymore. You’re not obligated to tell them anything. Congratulations on your pregnancy.” User
Another User Comments:
“Ah, the age-old etiquette quandary: “To share or not to share the secret sperm recipe.” While it’s tempting to be the Oprah of sperm donors – “You get some sperm! And you get some sperm!” – keeping your donor confidential is entirely your prerogative.
Your journey, your rules. NTJ, and cheers to your expanding family!” Umiel
18. AITJ For Telling A Manager To Watch Her Attitude On Her First Day Back?
“So, long story short, I work in IT and get along well with most of my colleagues apart from this one individual. She is in management and has recently returned to work after 2 years off. I had never met her before she came back; I only spoke to her via email to assist with any issues.
She isn’t very liked throughout the office, and I had heard a lot about her, but I wanted to form my own judgement first.
For the purpose of simplicity, I will refer to her as Sandra. Anyway, Sandra’s first day back is today, and needless to say, drama was created within an hour of her starting work.
She was put into my office, as hers has since been taken up by another member of management in a different department. I said hello in the morning when I came in, and got on with my morning tasks as usual.
Within the first hour, I heard her on the phone being rather abrupt with somebody in the sales department, demanding to know why another individual within their department (a recent recruit) is sending her emails and asking her questions, when she should have been told all of these questions as part of her training.
However, these were simply questions regarding a customer’s account which was on hold, and the individual was correct in directing them to Sandra.
Following this, a member of her department came into the office a short while ago, and another conversation began with Sandra critiquing changes made to the accounts department and processes since she’s been gone.
The member of her department didn’t really know what to say, and I felt bad for them, to be honest, as she was scrutinising every little thing which had changed in the last two years.
Anyway, this individual left the office, and a remark from Sandra about 30 mins ago really rubbed me the wrong way.
She sighed, shook her head, and said “And it’s people like that who will always be stuck in roles like that they’re in. It’s just baffling.”
I stopped what I was doing, looked up, and just said, “You maybe management, and I get that you’ve been gone a while and it’s your first day back, but if you don’t want to stay stagnant and actually get far in life outside of your career, then I’d probably suggest reflecting on the way you speak to people.”
Anyway, maybe this was a mistake, as she asked me who I thought I was talking to, got up out of her seat, and walked in the direction of the HR department. She’s been gone around 20 minutes… so I’m not sure what’s happening or whether I’ll be pulled in.
Am I the jerk? Should I have kept my mouth shut?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Expect to have to defend yourself to HR because no telling what she is saying to them given how she speaks to everyone else she believes is beneath her.
Maybe she is always like that or maybe she thought she had to play hardball on her first day back, but that last comment was way out of line, especially for a manager.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but not smart. This strikes me as a “stay in your lane” moment – you aren’t this persons manager, and you’ve got your own job to get on with.
If you really need to say something, go to the person responsible and have a proper conversation there. And HR or a manager won’t use platitudes like “won’t get you far in life”: so far, she’s a manager and ahead of you on that measure.
If she’s been gone for 2 years and people are in the same posts from before she left, perhaps she has a point?” peonyhen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ When HR comes to you, explain you were very taken aback by the fact that a member of management would talk derogatorily about other subordinates in front of you.
That should be definite cause for concern. Make sure you tell them the way she treated them in front of you, then tell them you don’t appreciate a member of management speaking about fellow employees that way.” JackedLilJill
17. AITJ For Opposing The Move That Puts Our Kids' Medical Care At Risk?
“So my husband started looking at remote jobs. I’m 100% for it.
A company reached out to him about 10 hrs away for an in-house job. (Not remote) Now I’m disabled and a SAHM who homeschools. Because of my past job, we won’t have to get new insurance. So for the average person we are golden!!!
Unfortunately it’s not. I have a genetic disease that I didn’t know about until about 2 years ago when I got sick enough and they sent me to genetics. As soon as they diagnosed me I knew something important… Both of our kiddos had it as well.
Unfortunately, it’s a spectrum kinda thing and they are both worse off than I was as a kid. Because it’s not common, we have doctors in 4 states. I have spent 2 years finding the perfect hospital and the perfect specialists for my kiddos. Right now we are waiting for an ophthalmic surgeon appointment to find out if our oldest needs a possible brain shunt and we are currently waiting for a sedated MRI to see if she tore her rotator cuff the last time her shoulder dislocated backwards.
We JUST got the little one on a positive trajectory with GI. She’s currently at 0.5% for height and weight on the growth chart.
I WANT to be ok with this move. It will be a huge thing financially for us and could set my husband up for major promotions in his field.
He REALLY wants this job. It would be amazing for him and us… If it weren’t for the medical issues.
Here is my problem: We will have to find a new pediatric cardio, GI, genetics, pain clinic, and at minimum PCP who are all at least knowledgeable in their genetic disease.
Not to mention me getting all new specialists. My husband came to me telling me he found a golden ticket. A children’s hospital 4.5 hrs away. Our big specialists (for the genetic disease) are about the same 8-9 hrs away but nothing else will be within a 1 day drive.
He wants me to be happy about a 4.5 hr drive?!?! Then he suggested a Shriners. They can help with ankle instability and a different one does. BUT… They can’t treat anything else. They really aren’t a huge help. Now he’s suggesting getting a small house with the equity we have in our current home and keeping a residence here so we can check in with PT, OT and speech at minimum once a month in person and on Zoom the rest of the time.
I would be the one driving 10 hrs each way and being alone with the kids for a week each month. I’m overwhelmed and he’s throwing bones hoping I can see an entire meal. He thinks I’m just trying to find any reason to make this job fail.
He thinks I’m being a jerk trying to find something wrong with every suggestion.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here I feel like people who are posting YTJ don’t understand how horrible and hard it is to find appropriate covered medical care. 10 hrs to take kids to appointments is hard on the kids as well and isn’t going to be a fun vacation trip.
Especially if the kids are feeling physically sick at any point. That’s a lot of emotional and physical labor for everyone. He is not wrong for attempting to get a job to support his family, who all have pretty significant medical issues. I bet it would be panic inducing while keeping everyone financially afloat.
Is it possible for him to live in the location while you stay in the original home location? How much more pay is it compared to jobs nearby? Can that additional pay cover car repairs, gas, hotels from the additional travel? This sounds like a time to pencil out how much more he will be actually making versus the cost of moving.” snowfat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel he’s being too optimistic and you’re being practical. There may not be a middle ground, this job may not work for his family as much as it may for him as an individual. I wonder if he’s even discussed the issue of the move with the company, maybe they’d be willing to go remote most of the time but need him in-house a week a month or something, idk” Cultural_Section_862
16. AITJ For Not Reaching Out To My Dying, Abusive Sister?
“My older half sister (30F) is dying from many health complications due to substance use. We are a little under 4 years apart in age. We did grow up knowing each other and were actually very close when I was a child.
But as I got older I grew very distant from my sister, to the point I went no contact. She lives out of state from me, so it’s not very hard. We don’t talk on the phone at all, or have each other on social media.
In my teens I began to realize that I was extremely impressionable as a child and wanted nothing more than to be “cool enough” to hang out with my sister and her older friends. She bullied me quite harshly physically, emotionally, and mentally and made me feel worthless and stupid for not being as cool as her.
She exposed me to a lot of really wrong and traumatic experiences, things in general. Intimacy things, substances, gangs, older men, etc. She kind of corrupted me and I feel she took away my innocence. She was also a teenager who knew too much, and was doing too much.
She also threatened to slit her wrists in front of me, knife in hand. I caught her stealing my mom’s car to run away for the second time. She also treated my mom like crap and bullied her severely. Although my mom, her stepmother, took her in when nobody else would deal with her anymore, not even our dad.
Anyways. After over a decade of substance use, her body is rapidly declining at 30 years old. Heavy cirrhosis of the liver. Heart failure. Colostomy bag. Teeth rotting and falling out. Horrible condition in general. She also has 4 children. She was a teen mom and has never cared about being a good mom or getting clean for them.
That is another thing that caused me to distance myself. It killed me to think about those kids, and there’s nothing I can do for them.
I can’t forgive the crap that I experienced and endured in my childhood with her. No part of me wants to reach out, even knowing what I know, even if she passes.
I went no contact due to the trauma and literal panic response my body has to her presence. My family is judging me harshly for not reaching out or making plans to see her before she’s gone. But I honestly haven’t told any of them anything about what I experienced being around her.
I know all of this happened as kids and it’s in the past, but I honestly don’t feel like I care enough to say anything to her. I wish I felt differently because I’m pretty sure I’m the jerk here. Well, let me know, guys.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – no one gets to tell you how to grieve your loss. While the circumstances of what my father did are different than your sister, I cut him out of my life 13 years ago and grieved my loss. If I were to get a call tomorrow to let me know he was actively dying, I wouldn’t go see him – I’ve already mourned his departure from my life.
The only person who gets to decide if you are going to put yourself through additional emotional turmoil is you. Your sister made certain decisions for herself and now you get to do the same. Don’t let others pressure you into doing something that you don’t feel equipped to handle.
Please don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you find the change in your sister’s circumstances, your family’s judgment of your decision is weighing on you.” TypicalHall1811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ BUT addiction is a heck of a thing. It can really screw people up and change them.
The mental and physical pain they can experience when they need their fix is indescribable. I always try to have some empathy for addicts (especially if they become addicts at such a young age), because it can be really hard to control yourself. Yes, she’s responsible for her actions, but it’s not easy to fight.
I am really sorry to hear that it is killing her. I’m also sorry for you, OP. You should not have had to experience any of that as a kid. The trauma, the mistreatment, etc. It’s inexcusable and I’m really upset at your parents for allowing it to go on for so long.
You are under no obligation to do anything. Your mental health comes first.” TheSciFiGuy80
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’d rethink the belief that there’s nothing you can do for your nieces/nephews. Obviously I don’t know the situation like you do, but there could be a lot you could do for them.
They’re about to lose their mom, even if she isn’t a good one. Having an adult in their lives who isn’t a crap-show could matter now, soon more than ever.” MildFunctionality
15. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable With My Flatmate's Partner's Overnight Visits?
“Found her on Spareroom earlier this year. She mentioned she wanted to leave her (then) current place because she felt restricted re: bringing the person she was seeing over; she alluded to the fact they hadn’t been seeing each other for very long.
The way she told the story made me feel that her flatmate was being unreasonable; I fell for her charm, had tired of the interview process for a new flatmate anyway, and by all accounts thought she seemed decent (great job, easy to get on with, etc.).
The first night she moved in, this guy comes around in the dead of night, and I see them both in the living room the next morning (a big shock after she had just moved in and hadn’t given me prior notice he was coming over that night).
Since then, I’ve found out he has previously been arrested. He regularly smokes on our balcony (I don’t have a problem with this as such, as my old flatmate used to do the same and I’m no saint).
My problem is that the flat stinks of it (my old flatmate was really discreet); I am 99% certain he smoked in her room the other day with her door open, and it wafted throughout the flat.
Asked her about it; she said “absolutely not” (so feel I am being lied to).
In general, I feel uncomfortable in his presence. Things came to a head about a month in; I actually took her aside, left the flat, and had a chat and said “No problem with him coming over, but can we limit the days as this is the 3rd day I’ve seen him on the trot and he was playing music very loudly out of his phone in the living room when I wanted to watch TV.”
I was told she understood and agreed, and he came round the following night and we had a big bust-up about it. She has generally been very good since, but things are slipping back to how they were.
When he’s around, rarely do I see them in the living room, so I feel I can’t be annoyed too much about this; It’s just a general feeling of being uncomfortable.
Whenever he is over and in the living room, I feel like a 3rd wheel; I have tried (since the bust-up) to actively ask him questions and try to make him feel welcome, but he doesn’t reciprocate and I don’t like his/their energy when he’s round.
What do I do about this? I can break out of my contract and am very tempted to, but don’t want to lose an amazing flat I have been in longer than her (I’ve been there a year longer) just because she can’t curb her “partner” (she refuses to call him that)’s visits/general lack of consideration.”
Another User Comments:
“Well…You can always look into his criminal record. Is he on probation? Is he breaking his probation? What exactly did he do to get arrested and develop a criminal record? Maybe your 6th sense is chiming in because his background isn’t something to scoff at and somewhere you know he’s not a safe person to be around.
At which point you have every right to ask him to not be in the apartment.” Wandering_aimlessly9
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You talked about the issues like adults and came to a solution, albeit a short-lived one. If the flat does still reek from their smoking, you need another talk and probably a stern and polite warning that the owner/landlord/management will have to be informed if this health-risk continues against your explicit wishes.
Throwing people out or making them leave because of ‘bad vibe’ is likely to cost more nerves and time than you finding another place to live. Shared living spaces are always rich with potential conflict. From what you’re describing, I’d say you and your room-mate are handling it quite alright.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out despite all efforts.” belshezzar
14. AITJ For Skipping Wedding Lunch After Being Treated As A Helper?
“First, let’s set the scene. Me (f40) and my partner (m46) are in a different country to attend his friend’s wedding. I’ve never been here before and don’t speak enough of the language to navigate around (I just have the basics: hello, please, thank you, etc).
I’ve also never met anyone, so I just know my partner.
The groom advised us to stay in a certain town which is 1hr 30mins from the church, but we are 20mins from the reception, both being held in different towns. The groom’s sister is staying in the same hotel as us, (who is so lovely) and is giving us a lift to and from the church.
My partner was not happy about how this all unfolded. So here come the points. Yesterday was the day of the wedding.
1. I’m up early to do hair and make up (so I don’t look like a swamp hag).
2. Fifteen minutes before we are due to leave for the church, the groom texts my partner to tell him not to bring me, that I can maybe get a lift off a different family member to the church.
3. I offer to stay and just go to the reception as the other family members can’t give me a lift.
4. My partner says, “No, you’re coming.” So I go greet the bride and groom, thank them for allowing me to be a part of their special day.
5. I leave and walk around the small town, but everywhere was closed. I keep walking around for an hour until I really need to use the bathroom, so I go back to the groom’s house.
6. I’m allowed to stay, and I get jobs, help tidy up, help get the kids ready, etc.
7. Church time: I sit in the back thinking how I wish I hadn’t bothered making the effort and how my partner should have come to this country alone.
8. Time for reception. I get more jobs. Nothing too hard, but still.
9. Meal is finally over, all the wedding stuff complete.
I tell my partner, “I’m going. I’m exhausted; I’ve done my part, so I’m done. I’m going home.”
10. We say our goodbyes to the bride, and then the groom informs us that there is a lunch tomorrow. We are welcome to come, especially since the decorations have to be taken down.
We both smile and say we will try to make it. On the way home, I snap. I travelled all this way to attend a wedding not as a helper but as a guest. I was made to feel completely unwelcomed until I was useful.” WIBTJ to not attend the lunch and do my own thing?
Another User Comments:
“Thank you for the comments. My partner is gone to spend time with the couple and help. I’m going to spend the day taking in the sights, doing a little shopping before our flight back. Thank you for the advice and for letting me get my frustration out.
I hope everyone has a great day.” Dark_Phoenix1987
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but possibly leaning to No jerks here, depending on where the wedding is. In some cultures, weddings are very family/community involved, where it’s kind of expected that if you’re there, you will help set up/take down.
They may not realize that you see it differently. That being said, I think your husband should go (and help), but you’re not obligated to go if you don’t want to. Just consider the help you gave as an extra wedding gift and that you made the day easier for the family.” Head-Emotion-4598
13. AITJ For Refusing To Drop Work For A Non-Emergency Chipped Tooth Incident?
“My ex-wife divorced me about 6 months ago and now we live in separate homes. We have split custody and it is her time of the week to watch her sons. She also has a special needs kid (from a previous divorce) that has a dedicated nurse to help with his care 8 hours a day.
3 kids in total. When she has custody of our kids on Thursday/Friday, she works from home where she frequently leaves her station to take care of our kids. I do pay child support, and so does her first ex-husband.
Earlier yesterday (Friday), I drove over to my ex-wife’s place to hang out with my 2 young boys for about 25 minutes before I went to work.
Upon changing into uniform at work, I get a phone call from my ex-wife informing me that our 2-year-old chipped his tooth. She asks me if I can come back to help out and help with the kids. I replied “Well I’m about to go into work right now, so no I don’t think I can come back right now unless it’s a medical emergency.” And it wasn’t a medical emergency.
Later that evening, after calling her several times and having my calls screened, I finally got through to her, and she informed me that their visit to the dentist did not take long at all.
This morning, I call to ask how the kids were and she gives me a quick rundown of how their morning was.
I ask (like I always do) if I can come over before work to hang out with the boys. She replies “Oh, now you wanna come over?” And after a short conversation, she plainly says no. I reply “Ok I understand, good bye,” and we ended the conversation right there.
She feels like I’m just over here partying it up, living my best life, and I avoided my responsibilities as a parent. The thing is, I wasn’t over here jacking off; I was going to my place of work, trying to support the family that I have so they may have a roof over their head and food on their table when they’re in my custody.
What I’m more skeeved about is that their play room at her place is not particularly safe. There are shelves for him to climb on, and it’s a hardwood floor with a really thin rug that barely softens the floor. And it wasn’t a medical emergency.
I chipped my tooth when I was 2 years old too. Am I the a-hole here?”
Another User Comments:
“You getting the kids riled up and bonkers before you leave? YTJ. Having chill time and stuff goes sideways after you leave? No jerks here. Able to help out your ex if you have some sick time because you’re a good guy and you want to demonstrate to your kids that no matter what happened between mom and dad, this is how you’re there for them?
Priceless.” Dinosaur_Herder
12. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit While Building My Own Future?
“I (45F) have a (26F) daughter who has a 1 yr old with her partner. I have been home babysitting for them while they both work full-time for the last year. We have also been building a second home on our property for them to eventually move in.
Our finances have been really tight lately, as we have been fully paying for this house on the property. We are living paycheck to paycheck, and I am now having to go back to work.
My husband (53M) has been the only one working and providing for our family of 4 at home.
(They both make more than him). They do pay us for babysitting, but only $400 a month, as they have said any more would be making them struggle, yet they have both gone out within the past year of 2023 and gotten 2 new cars, splurging on thousands of dollars of new apple products, online shopping, and takeout.
But I also have a family with 2 teenagers still at home, so the $400 barely helps us with living expenses. We have depleted our savings for this house for them. I had been telling my daughter for over a month to work their schedules out, as I am going back to work, but they both refuse to have different days off from each other.
I am still going to help with babysitting on weekends and giving up my days off in order to watch my granddaughter. Now my daughter is making me feel guilty for needing to go back to work, saying that I should work around her and her partner’s schedule.
I had worked nights, weekends, and holidays around my husband’s schedule. We did this so we would always have one of us home with our children when they were little. We also had to give up a lot of luxuries in order to accomplish this.
My daughter, on the other hand, feels that I should still work night shifts and work around their schedules. I am getting older, and I feel as if I should be able to just be a grandmother and not the other parent. I also want to be able to save for my future because I am getting older.
My husband and I have put in our time already and want to be able to spend our old age together, as we have plans for our future which now requires me to work for the next 20 years.
I don’t mind helping out once in a while because my family is important to me, but she’s making me feel guilty for wanting time to myself and to work for my future.
She also states that I am being money hungry because I have to go back to work. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- you are subsidizing their life. $400 for keeping you home babysitting is a joke. Where I am, you could get employed as a direct support provider for roughly between 20 and 25 bucks an hour, depending on the agency.
The need is great. Being able to afford your other two children is not being money hungry. It’s taken care of your responsibilities. They are still dependent on you. She is an adult. What’s the lease look like for the house you’re building? Because I would make sure that you and your husband are protected. The sacrifice and expense that you are going through to build it is not being appreciated.” PicklesMcpickle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you are nuts to be going this far. Are you going to be doing all this babysitting and house business for your other kids? Or do they get to watch you killing yourself for their sister and then be too exhausted and overspent to help them?
I say that to point out that even with the limitations you say you want to put down now, you are probably overextending yourself. She is an adult. She has children. She has a job, a car – she should not need this much help, and you are setting a pretty awful precedent for your other kids to be dependent on you even through adulthood.” SnooPets8873
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Really screwed yourself over along with your immediate family. Sounds like you’ve got a golden child, and you’ve finally reaped what you sow. Raise an adult with your other kids, and stop enabling this child. You’ve definitely done it at the expense of the other children.
Full stop YTJ. Twice.” dhwriter51
11. AITJ For Insisting My Foreign Medical Records Are Legit Despite Demands For A Reevaluation?
“When I (now 23F) was 11 years old, I moved to my dad’s hometown.
I had a hard time transitioning because I do not know anyone in the area I was in. Also, I barely got along with my classmates. As a result, my parents sent me to someone who is a pediatrician who is also a behavioral therapist (not a psychiatrist).
We had a talk session, but I am not sure if my parents ever notified me of what my background was (where I just moved in from another country). So, the findings in my chart are: I (might) have autism spectrum disorder, language delay (I had both of my parents’ native tongue as my first languages.
Because I spent most of my life in my mom’s country, I speak my mom’s native tongue better. As a result, there were times where grammatical errors happened whenever I spoke my dad’s language, and hypermobility joints (I grew up in a country where people would sit on a squatting chair and eat at a table that is low).
When I was 14, I moved back to my hometown (also my mom’s country). My parents took me to a psychiatrist there, and they said they couldn’t detect any signs of autism or language delay as I speak normally and comfortably with my mom’s native tongue.
But they did diagnose me with mild anxiety disorder, OCD, and mild ADHD. Ever since I moved back, my demeanor was slightly at ease.
When I graduated high school, I decided to return to my dad’s country to go to college. After being admitted to college, I was required to notify my medical records, where I sent a PDF copy of them.
I also checked “no” to a question on a form when asked if I have autism or need extra academic accommodation.
Now, the health center just pulled out my medical papers and noticed that my medical records are from a different country. The staff are inspecting my medical papers to see if they are legitimate.
They also reprimanded me for “lying” about not having autism. I was told to also get re-evaluated by a psychiatrist here since they do not trust my results from overseas, since they couldn’t call them. I told them that I do not need to and that those papers are legitimate and that they should inspect the papers again.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because the second doctor essentially removed that diagnosis. He might not have changed the paperwork from a foreign country, but he did say he didn’t see it, and didn’t transfer it to the new file. Doctors are able to remove diagnoses at will.
Not to gaslight, but you’re more likely to be autistic if you have ADHD than ADHD alone, and a good percent of people with hypermobility disorders also have ASD. They are considerably comorbid. They said you’re not autistic because you don’t have a language delay?
How did they screen for this?” ravenklaw
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an autistic woman, let me tell you a couple things: you don’t have to be ashamed by the slightest. The first evaluation wasn’t held by a psych, so they are correct in asking for a re-evaluation.
Diagnosis path entails talking appointments one on one and (depending by the doctor) with family members in order to gather information especially from very early childhood and teenage years, then tests to be had (RAADs is what I was given) and tests discussion both during and after correction and then debriefing appointments where the psych lays down their assessment and diagnosis and discuss it with you along the plan going forward and some early coping skill/mechanic for when things get too much.
If you are indeed autistic, they’ll confirm. If not, you’ll have other answers. Go in it with an open mind and know that anything coming up is not a sentence or measure of your value. You can do this.” Cinnamoroll_Girl_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, gotta give em all the records, especially of the place the college is in.
You wrapped up you not wanting to in the idea that you’re not autistic in your first language so the original diagnosis is less valid, but having an evolving prognosis does not mean the previous medical examinations didn’t happen. It’s not really a jerk thing tho, so I’d be tempted to rate No jerks here, since it’s just a bureaucratic procedure issue, really.” Fun-Reputation-5281
10. AITJ For Embracing My Austerity Habits Even Though My Mom Now Lives In Luxury?
“I (20f) grew up pretty poor with my single mom. She had me young and we didn’t have support from family or grandparents so I am used to just making do. I can sleep for dinner, take cold showers or clean up with just a sink, etc. Just generally used to dealing with things.
We’ve never been homeless by any means. I don’t hold anything against my mom. I love my mom and she did the best she could and I never felt lacking in love or attention even if we were poor.
Lately my mom has done well financially at her job, she married my stepdad, and had 2 more kids with him.
I enjoy that they grow up never lacking, and the biggest problem they have is pizza rolls not heating up as quickly as they would like. Collectively, my parents probably bring in over 200k a year.
Here is when “problems” arose. I use quotes because I don’t see them as problems. I live at home and go to school.
I also work. They bought me a car but during this time, it was in the shop, so I was taking the bus to and from work. I forgot on Sundays that the buses cut off early here so I didn’t have a ride home.
I said screw it and just walked home. Took a few hours but I’ve taken walks like this before to get places. My mom was upset and said I should have called her or an Uber. When faced with a dilemma I don’t panic or anything.
My mind just goes right into the solution and I just walked home.
Another time the water heater was acting up in the house. My mom had to keep resetting it and eventually it was replaced. But I was just starting my shower and suddenly the water went ice cold.
I just continued my shower and when I was out saw a text from my mom. “No hot water for a little bit” and she would usually turn it on again after 20 or so minutes. I just texted back. “All good. Just took a cold shower.”
This bothered her and she said how I don’t need to do these things anymore. I really don’t think it’s a big deal. I’ve taken 5+ hour walks home and I’ve gone months with cold showers and sink bird baths before. I think she sees it as me calling her a bad mom for how I was raised, but I don’t think that is the case at all, and I tell her.
A few other examples of this happen, but I don’t have character space to mention. But generally I am the type to just find an inconvenience and carry on. I don’t think this is jerk behavior.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. And your mom doesn’t think so either.
She just wants you to un-learn these behaviors because she’s disappointed in herself that you had to learn them at all. Every time you think nothing of walking 5+ hours to get somewhere, she is reminded of the childhood you didn’t have.” BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. My upbringing was very similar to yours. I no longer live with my parents but they still insist on providing me the luxuries they couldn’t when I was growing up. Although you may not care, your mother probably feels remorse and maybe even shame for what she put you through.
She may even believe that you do care about these things but are simply pretending you don’t for her sake (I’m sure your mother has had to put on a brave face many times during poverty). A sit down with her may put things into perspective.” Nightcrawler_DIO
Another User Comments:
“Softly, and technically, YTJ for walking home alone at night, especially as a woman, when you had another option, I completely understand your mother having an issue with that. I think your view on money is very skewed based on your childhood, and for some things it’s not an issue, but realize that spending 20-30 bucks on an Uber is nothing for a parent who has the means if it means their child is safe.
I think the cold showers part is fine, it’s probably just making your mom uncomfortable that you are used to those kinds of things. Heck, I sometimes take cold showers just ’cause I’m too hot (damn this heat wave haha) but yeah, don’t” blanketstatement5
9. AITJ For Considering Telling My Husband About His Toxic Mother At Our Wedding?
“Me (f27) and my husband (m28) finally got married this May after 8 wonderful years together. For the wedding, we tried to invite as much family as we could, but there was one person we both agreed would not be invited at all: his mother.
He and his mother have always had an extremely toxic relationship.
She mistreated him emotionally, mentally, physically, and even at one point in his childhood, kidnapped him and his younger brothers. Of course, after that, his dad divorced her, and she was sent to a facility. She was diagnosed with bipolar/schizophrenia and was on/off her medications throughout his life.
He eventually got the courage to cut her off completely, stating he hates her with a passion. Literally any time he sees her or hears about her, his body tenses and he is upset and annoyed for the rest of the day. His brothers shortly followed his example, cutting her off as well.
Problem is, she never took that as a hint. Instead, she resorted to constantly stalking her sons, seeking out where they live, calling them from different phones to talk, walking around places she feels like they will be just to talk to them and try to get back in their lives.
She won’t leave them alone. It feels like we always have to look over our shoulder for her.
Well, our wedding was a quick ceremony outside, which was absolutely beautiful and perfect. We got pictures, then went to the reception, and had the most perfect day.
My husband and I were absolutely glowing with happiness. However, last week a friend who was a groomsman asked who a specific lady was that his brothers were talking to during the pictures. He described my husband’s mother exactly. My friend also told me that his brothers were upset after talking with her and told my friend not to say anything to my husband on the night of our wedding.
My friend figured it had been long enough now to ask. I was mortified at the idea that our perfect day was almost ruined by his crazy, obsessive mother. Like, I know she isn’t her illness, and I have nothing against her diagnosis, but she hasn’t even really tried to be better, and she hurt her sons so much throughout their life.
So, I guess the question is WIBTJ if I tell my husband about this incident with his mother. I feel as if I’m keeping a huge secret from him that I feel like he has a right to know, but at the same time I also feel like it’s something he might not even want to know.
I just want him to still remember that night fondly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is a big secret you’d be keeping from him. For starters, how did she find out where the ceremony was? Stalking is pretty scary, so at the very least, he needs to know she showed up so he can protect himself (and you) in the future.
Your wedding was one day, you two hopefully will have a lifetime of good memories. I understand where you’re coming from, but you should tell him.” FancyPantsDancer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It is unfair to place this burden on you. Perhaps have a meeting with a friend and brothers to explain why it’s not right to keep your husband in the dark.
(BTW, it’s true the more people know a “secret”, the likelihood of it being revealed grows). Your husband deserves to know before this slips at some point. But you should not be the sole person responsible for telling him since others already know.” Bear_Aspirin_00
Another User Comments:
“Unfortunately, this person is someone you’re going to have to deal with in your marriage. You won’t be able to just ignore her and hope she goes away. You’re going to have to talk about how to handle her toxicity in the future.
I think it’s best to tell him so he is aware of the incident and knows that his bros stood up for him. If he seems OK, use it as an occasion to discuss what to do when she shows up banging on the front door demanding to see her son, if you haven’t discussed it already.
NTJ. Get a doorbell camera.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Branded Baby Items To My SIL?
“I come from a family that never asks to borrow, even if someone generously offers. I keep my items all in excellent condition, and I feel very anxious if I have to use other people’s items because I have to treat them extra carefully so I can return them in the same condition.
My husband’s family seems to think it’s ok to ask and borrow items, even if the opposing side has not offered.
We were first to have babies, and now SIL has her own. When she was pregnant, we already gave her some baby items for free (some used, some new).
For example: new diaper pail, box of clothes (again, some used and some new), glass baby bottles, diapers, bottle sterilizer machine, baby swing, etc. On occasion, I have asked if she wanted some stuff, as I was upgrading, but I have never said “let us know if you need to borrow anything!”
She took most of the big box items, sifted through the used clothes, and returned the ones she deemed unfit. She would go through photos of my first and ask if we still have a certain item for her to “borrow.” For example, a branded swaddle.
Before she gave birth, she wanted to borrow our branded infant car seat. But our second baby is only a few months older than hers. So, we didn’t feel comfortable lending it to her, or putting our infant in a convertible that early on.
On a separate occasion, she asked if she could take our branded stroller since I was looking for a double stroller alternative. At the time, I’ve sent her sales, and she says things like “it’s too bulky, I want to be able to push one-handed, I don’t like the foam handles,” etc.
She has asked to borrow our branded activity centre because she likes how aesthetically pleasing it looks and loves how much our first really enjoyed it. Our youngest wasn’t finished playing with it, so we didn’t end up lending it.
We did offer her a decently branded high chair, to which she declined, as it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing enough.
She wanted another, pricier, and more branded high chair. She often asks my husband if we still need the items that we gave to her. If not, she’ll gladly sell it. But she keeps the money. Now I am anxious about her asking for things all the time.
I know she is currently eyeing our branded compact travel stroller, baby shoes/Crocs, branded playpen fence, etc.—all items that are on the pricier side. Items she will borrow and possibly never return, but just make a profit out of it? AITJ? Am I stingy?
Am I being too sensitive? Should I be more open? Is this my upbringing problem?”
Another User Comments:
“You are not stingy; you are, in fact, being taken advantage of. Your SIL isn’t borrowing anything, you’re giving her things she has no intention of returning, that she’s using and/or selling for a profit.
I would suggest that you and your husband make a decision that you’re from now on going to either sell off things you don’t need any more yourself, or that you’re going to give things to a specific charity. Something your SIL can’t argue with (the SIL who wants things you’re still using!!!), as in ‘We’re so sorry, but everything is going to the battered women’s shelter/church mission/refugee center.’ Done.
Don’t give her another thing. It’s your stuff; you get to decide what to do with it. NTJ” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s not uncommon for families to exchange items back and forth for babies (once a child is no longer using it).
How you were raised is simply different than how your husband’s family operates. It’s clear that you value branded items and she prefers a certain aesthetic. Neither value is wrong; they are just not compatible. Sounds like there needs to be clarification if used items are being lent or given.
I have passed on items to my SILs that they have no doubt sold when their kids were done, but I didn’t have an expectation that they be returned (and I would have no use for them anymore by that time anyway). I was just happy that they were being used for my nieces and nephews.” TCsleep
7. AITJ For Asking My MIL To Buy Fewer Clothes For My Daughter?
“I (32F) am blessed to have a wonderful husband (33M) and a beautiful daughter (6 months).
My husband’s mother is a truly wonderful and lovely person. She is sweet and generous and welcomed me into her family with open arms. She absolutely dotes on our daughter, who is the first girl grandchild, and loves spending time with her. MIL is also very much into clothes and outfits in a way that I am definitely not, and she loves buying little girly outfits for her granddaughter.
I love how much she loves our daughter, and I think it’s so sweet that she wants to buy her cute dresses and tops. My issue is that she buys so many lovely things (pretty much every week, there are one or two new things) that I don’t feel like I have the opportunity to buy things for my daughter because she doesn’t need any more clothes.
I buy the basics like vests and socks, but never the adorable little t-shirts. MIL has never bought her anything that I dislike or consider inappropriate/impractical. I’d just like to have a chance to pick some things myself.
Part of me wants to explain this to her and ask her to slow down with buying things, but I know she’d be devastated to think she’d upset me.
She’s so kind, and she has a tendency (which she has told me herself in the past) to overstep a bit in her attempts to support her kids. If asked, she always backs off immediately, but you can tell that she’s really upset with herself for not realizing she was going too far.
She’s very, very careful to make sure she never does anything with our daughter that is against our wishes and checks about every little thing (even things that we think are inconsequential) to make sure she’s following what we want as parents.
I feel very mean and petty for being bothered, and I’m very aware that MIL is doing us a huge favour by saving us a fair amount of money on clothes.
I think my hormones are probably playing a bit of a role still in my emotional reaction because, logically, I know this is nothing. My husband doesn’t mind it at all because he just wants our daughter to be dressed; he doesn’t have any particular feelings about what she’s wearing as long as she’s comfortable.
However, if I asked him, then he would support me in asking his mum to slow down a bit.
So WIBTJ if I asked my MIL to buy fewer clothes for my daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ Like you said, it’s very sweet she loves buying clothes for your daughter and she seems like a great grandmother, but you also have a right to feel like you do.
I’d say go ahead and very gently talk to her about it. As well as asking her to slow down, how about you suggest that maybe once a month, the three of you (you, her, and the baby) go clothes shopping at the mall or somewhere, and that way you can all buy stuff for your daughter?
It’d be a cute little Girl’s Day.” MercifulOtter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She really sounds like she wants to help though, and buying little baby outfits is probably really fun for her and makes her feel good because she thinks she’s really helping you guys out.
If you tell her nicely that you think the baby has plenty of clothes now and that you’re running out of space, maybe she can help with purchasing something else, and if she insists on it, you can tell her what you guys actually need. That way she still gets the satisfaction of helping you guys out and you don’t have all these clothes that you don’t need.” ras114
Another User Comments:
“Just buy what you want for your baby. When MIL brings new clothes, thank her warmly as usual. If you want, you can mention that you hope baby gets a chance to wear all these adorable clothes because she already has so many in her current size, and she is growing so fast. When you dress the baby, let her wear what you choose first. You don’t have to put on the MIL’s gifts out of politeness.
Yes, you may end up with too many clothes, but you can sell or donate them later. Your mother-in-law’s shopping need not deprive you of the privilege.” SuitableSport8762
6. AITJ For Not Immediately Leaving A Public Pier When A Private Event Began?
“I already know that I’m going to sound like a Karen—or whatever the male equivalent of a Karen is—for a disturbing people’s private event, but that’s not the case here.
For me to explain myself better, you should get to know what I mean by public area in my hometown. There’s a lake that can be purchased in one of three parts.
You can either purchase time on the lake to reserve it for recreational use.
You can purchase time on the pier, usually used for fishing or for photo sessions. And lastly, you can purchase the large 8-table seating area for parties. At the private event, it seems that they were renting out the lake itself while I was sitting at the end of the pier doing some light reading.
I must admit, I did have my headphones on to drown out some background noise—most likely from the private event—when I was approached by one of the organizers, who explained to me that they had rented out the lake for a speed boat drag race contest.
I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t here for the contest, that I had come here every weekend just to do like a reading, and even showed him the graphic novel app I was reading. He even explained to me that because they rented out the lake, that meant that I couldn’t be on the pier because I’d be getting a free show.
I tried to explain to him that 1) I don’t care to watch the show because it’s not something I’m interested in and that 2) if he approached me, I would have had no idea what was even going on.
Oh, he said that whether I was reading or not, they had an event going on, and me being here and not purchasing a ticket was not allowed. Now, I had to admit that because I’d never purchased a time slot for the lake, I didn’t know how the rules were set up.
So, rather than get into an argument where I would make a big fuss only to be told I was wrong in the very end—and possibly be banned from the area—I just decided to leave. As I was leaving, I could hear him talk to his friends, complaining about me, saying some people just don’t have any freaking manners and are just freaking clueless.
Now, while I am here, I did call Tim a bit. I agree I don’t feel like it was right for them to insult you like that just because I was unaware of what was going on, so I want to know: Am I the jerk for not immediately leaving or buying the ticket when I asked?!”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You admitted you don’t know all the rules there nor what parts of the lake they rented out. When someone told you, instead of just saying ‘oh sorry, I didn’t realize,’ you argued with them without even knowing if you were right.
Also, for all the person knew, you were just reading until the event started.” EnviroAggie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s a public park, then they only get rights to the area they reserved. Technically, they would have to show you the reservation in full.
You could have even called a cop to come and mediate the dispute if they didn’t have the full reservation. If they reserved everything, then you should leave. But practically, you probably made the right call overall to just leave. You come all the time, so just one weekend is not a big deal. And motor boats are pretty loud—it would not be peaceful.” 3xlduck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Usually, if all aspects of a place are rented for a private party, the space owners will put up a sign(s) saying the space is closed from x date/time to y date/time. I’d confirm with the owners to confirm I understand the policy of how they notify the public that a private party has rented all 3 sites.
You may find they only rented 1 or 2, assuming their activity would discourage the 3rd—and they’d get it for free. I can’t see people fishing during a speed boat competition; I’d think all the noise would scare the fish.” rtgd_mmm
5. AITJ For Refusing To Attend A Friend's Wedding Over A Hideous Color Scheme?
“So, I got into this fight with my friend, and now it feels like the whole world is against me.
I, 22F, am fighting with my close friend from childhood, G, 21F. Me and G have been inseparable since age 14. We are two very different souls, to put it lightly. I’ve been planning my wedding since I was little, knowing every detail down to the style of lace on my dress.
G didn’t even plan on getting married. When talking about her engagement to her partner/fiancé L, she says “it just happened.”
I’ll admit it can drive me crazy to think this wedding is so unplanned, but to each their own. She’s having a small ceremony (L’s family aren’t supportive of queer marriage so it’s mostly close friends + G’s parents) a couple of states away.
They’re getting married in this small venue that’s in a little forest area. When they proposed this idea, I thought it was a little odd, but whatever. Their cat is going to be the ring bearer, weird (but cute) to me but again, it’s their wedding.
All was fine, unconventional but fine, until they showed me the colors.
I’m not kidding. I know it sounds ridiculous but the colors they chose are god awful. It’s this neon yellow/greenish color, dark orange (kind of brownish), and mint green. It is seriously the most hideous palette of colors I have ever seen.
I know it’s shallow but those colors are so uncomfortable to look at. I expressed this to G, saying it would be hard to make a nice venue with this scheme, and she brushed it off. I let it go for the time being, but spending every waking moment looking for dehydrated pee, sad feces, and mint effing green colored decorations was weighing on me.
They showed up in my dreams. I wish I was kidding, and I wish I could say this was all made up, but no. I was having dreams where the rainbow was made up of these three colors and had this twisted, horrific smile under its dead eyes.
I’ve always had pretty weird dreams, but this has got to take the cake. It sounds so stupid but it was genuinely terrifying.
When I told this to G, she laughed. I told her I was serious and she kept laughing. I was pretty offended that she laughed at a genuine comment I was making, and told her I wouldn’t go to the wedding if the color scheme remained. She told me I was overreacting and to take a day or two to calm down, so we left each other alone as to not provoke each other.
I’m sure it’ll work out somehow, but I have to know: AITJ for refusing to go to my friend’s wedding because of the color scheme?”
Another User Comments:
“Whoooah there lady. You’re a bag of nuts with a side of cashews. Firstly, not everyone dreams about their wedding down to the minute details since childhood.
There’s more to life than a wedding. Many people go with the flow – if it happens, cool. If my friend decided poo brown and vomit green were the colour scheme, then colour me gastro – I’ll wear whatever. Why? Because it’s her day, not mine.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before…but you need to calm down and gain some perspective. Learn to actually be a friend, not a judgemental, prissy little mosquito who thinks anything that deviates from your neurotic ideals is wrong. I say this respectfully…no one likes that person.” friedonionscent
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know why you’d care at all about the planning, it isn’t your wedding. Who cares if they’re getting married in a small forested area? Once again, it’s their wedding. I have to admit you come off as awfully judgemental right off the bat with things that have no significance.
Same with the cat. Your obsession with someone else’s wedding and the colors come off as psychotic. If this were true at all (and I’m seriously doubting it) you sound completely unhinged and I encourage you to see psychiatric help. It sounds stupid because it is.
YTJ” Teriyaki-Teriyaki
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your post is full of not-so-subtle jabs at your friend’s wedding from start to finish. Her wedding is already going to be lightly attended and this is probably making her sad. You’re making it worse by refusing to go over the absolute most petty thing I have ever heard.
I get the sense that something else is going on here under the surface.” KomradeKvestion69
4. AITJ For Choosing A Work Party Over In-Laws Wedding Reception?
“I (M28) have a partner (F23), we’ll call her Michelle. Michelle’s parents have been together on and off for the last 20 years, and this year they’re getting married. The wedding is taking place at a venue in the UK, around 4 hours’ drive away, and we will be staying there for a long weekend in August (the total trip, including accommodation, is costing us over £600.
Cost isn’t an issue as we’ll have a lot of down time and are classing this as a mini holiday as such). They’ve also planned to have a wedding reception two weeks after the wedding for friends and family who could not attend or weren’t invited to the ceremony itself.
One of the bride’s friends also threw a pre-wedding celebration at the local village bar recently, which we also attended.
Now this is where it gets a bit complicated. I work at a corporate call centre dealing with pensions administration. I’ve been here almost a year to the day and really get on well with the rest of my team.
I’ve never felt more welcome and included in a workplace, and I’d like the opportunity to spend more time with my team outside of work itself.
I attended the summer party our employer put on last year but was unable to go to our Christmas party due to the birth of our son.
I haven’t attended a work event in quite some time, and I really want to make sure I can attend our summer party this year. The only issue is that the wedding reception and summer party are both scheduled to start at the same time on the same evening.
Now I have thought about this decision the last couple of weeks and my heart is set on attending the summer party. I’ve discussed this with Michelle, who isn’t crazy about the idea. She wants us to go to the reception together as it would mean a night to enjoy ourselves and have a few drinks whilst our baby is looked after by my side of the family.
As we’re new parents, this opportunity doesn’t come around too often (we schedule one night a month as our date night for just us). I totally see her point of view and understand she wants to be there to celebrate her parents’ wedding with me.
From my perspective, as we’re paying to attend the wedding for 4 days and have attended the pre-celebration, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal for me to miss out on it and spend the time with my colleagues. I feel like if I go through with this decision, it may cause an argument with Michelle and it may cause some internal family drama.
So ultimately, my question is, WIBTJ for missing the wedding reception and attending my work’s summer party?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Whilst work relationships are important, the relationship with your partner and her family should be more important. How do you think your partner will feel having to tell everyone who asks where you are that your work party was more important?
You obviously know this will cause issues for you and your relationship, but still seem to want confirmation that the work party is the right option” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“You’re thinking logically. The bigger question is, what does your wife want? You see, love means sacrificing yourself for others.
It’s one of the reasons we get married. If she wants you at the wedding and reception, you go because you love her. It’s not about her parents or your job. This is the woman you plan on spending your life with. Show her she is more important than any ‘office party'” Ramfan1959
Another User Comments:
“Here’s my take. YWBTJ here. This is your family now, and by choosing your work party over your in-laws, you’re showing them where your priorities are. This will most likely cause issues between not only you and your partner, but also her family.
Assuming that there will only ever be one wedding for the in-laws, but there will be other work parties, it makes more sense to go to the wedding. I’m sure your colleagues will understand as well, whereas your in-laws and family may not be.
To me, a wedding celebration should trump work parties, but maybe that’s just me. To me, family should always come before work when possible.” jacksonlove3
3. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For A Surprise Wedding Cake Charge?
“I (24f) was recently a bridesmaid for my friends’ sister. Let’s call my friend Lana. I didn’t want to be one because being a bridesmaid can get quite expensive, and I wasn’t in the financial situation to afford that luxury, but my friend kept begging me to do this for her (she is my longest and dearest friend), and she offered to pay for all the expenses, so I eventually agreed.
But all throughout the process of dress shopping, planning, and hiring the stylists and makeup artist, Lana kept silent. I was expecting her to hold up her end of the deal, which is paying for the expenses (the morning dress and evening dress, another dress for a traditional ceremony, makeup, nails, hair, etc.), but she never did.
Instead, she went radio silent and acted as if she never said what she said. She would ignore my texts and even went to the fittings on the days I couldn’t make it to avoid me. I didn’t want to ask her straight up for the money because I don’t like confrontation, and I didn’t want to stir up any drama, so I kept quiet and managed to pay for everything with the help of my family.
Then came the wedding shower.
The bride paid for everything herself, and one of the bridesmaids bought the cake. The wedding day comes, everything goes well, I paid for my own makeup, hair, etc., and I decided to slowly cut off contact with my friend after the wedding.
A few days after the wedding, though, one of the other bridesmaids sends me a text telling me that I need to contribute for the cake she brought for the wedding shower. It was an expensive cake, and she expected me to give her 400usd (1k in our currency) for it.
I was so confused because no one ever told me that we (the bridesmaids) were contributing to the bridal shower cake; I thought she offered to get the cake herself as a loving gesture to her best friend (the bride).
I was already out 4000USD (13k in our currency) for the 3 dresses, hair, makeup, manicure, and shoes, and I wasn’t about to waste another 1k on a stupid cake I didn’t consent to paying for.
I later found out that the cake the bridesmaid got was made by her sister, and she got the most expensive cake to help her sister make money. I decided I was not going to pay for it. AITJ or was it completely unfair for the bridesmaid to ambush me with this one week after the wedding without ever discussing it with me before the shower or wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You don’t make plans with other people’s money. She should’ve asked before getting the cake. She obviously has your number. It’s good that you’re ditching these people.” AffectionateHand2206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 400 dollars from one person for a cake is insane.
How many guests were at this wedding? Because a quick Google search will tell you on average, a cake for 200 guests is about 850 dollars for weddings, so either other bridesmaids couldn’t pay it or someone’s not being honest. Either way, I wouldn’t pay it.
They should have told you when you agreed to be the bridesmaid what was expected from you monetarily.” 1i1ugly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She absolutely should’ve told you about this in advance. This is not something you can just spring on someone last minute AND after the fact.
That is complete crap. I wouldn’t put money towards the cake either. How much did the damn cake cost? It was homemade. How in the world could it cost that much money? Definitely being over charged for the cake.” Embarrassed-Math-699
2. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband For Changing My Birthday Dinner Plans?
“Normally I wouldn’t really go online for relationship advice, but I need to know if my reaction was legitimate or if it’s just sleep deprivation/hormones.
Some context (Sorry if it’s kinda long): My (24f) husband (24m) has been going through some different health things (nothing crazy) so he’s been to Urgent Care probably 3 times in the last 6 days. The thing is, he’s a worrier and having multiple things hit at one time is not ideal and has led to me doing a lot of comforting and trying to help distract him.
Being the sole person to comfort him (we moved across country so no friends or family around) is exhausting on its own, but because of the comforting/distractions we’ve been up till 1am most days lately. I’m a go to bed at 11pm person, so it’s been kinda killer.
I’m also gonna be on my period next week so hormones are somewhat raging right now. I don’t know if this is important but we’ve been together for 8.5 years and married for ~8 months.
My birthday’s today and my one thing that I really wanted was to go out to eat so there’d be no cooking.
I honestly don’t really care where we go other than it being a sit down restaurant, but he wanted me to choose the type (like BBQ, Italian, Mexican, etc.). I chose Italian cause who doesn’t love noodles.
However, now that my husband’s on a certain medication he can’t have dairy or citrus for like a week, which is fine, but I realized last night that would basically ax the plan to go to an Italian restaurant.
I definitely got frustrated in general after that since I realized this would just make it a lot harder in general to find a place.
Cut to this morning, he’s heading off to work (I work from home) and casually says that he won’t be taking me where he originally planned, but will be taking me somewhere else.
This is where I feel like the jerk. I snapped at him, essentially saying that he shouldn’t have told me and I would’ve been fine regardless. He got mad and essentially said that he just told me since it wouldn’t be as fancy. Then we said our normal goodbyes and he went to work.
He does this all the time with gifts though. Literally, earlier this week he said he wanted to take me to Disney for my birthday, but decided against it because it was too expensive. Which, like, true, but also, why tell me? It’s getting my hopes up just for them to be crushed. Should I just have appreciated that he was taking me out to dinner since I didn’t specify what I wanted?”
Another User Comments:
“First, Noodles? You meant pasta, right? Now for the issue………. Due to medication and ongoing health issues for the past week or so, Hubby cannot have dairy. Not his fault, he can’t have butter, cheese, etc. Second, any Italian restaurant is not going have much that does not include dairy, butter, cheese, etc. Just about everything on the menu is either sprinkled with cheese, stuffed with cheese, sautéed, or drenched in butter.
What did you expect him to do? Sit and watch you eat? I would have postponed the birthday dinner for another time and just ordered something easy and inexpensive in. You are the jerk.” AlwaysGreen2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you said you didn’t care and you brush what he’s going through as nothing.
You’re giving me the vibe that your immature and can’t handle a change in plans for whatever reason. I know many who would be thrilled that their partner remembered and wanted to do something special for them on their birthday… not that it isn’t special enough.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I get that you’re frustrated, but you overreacted. You didn’t even know where you were going, so going somewhere else isn’t a super big disappointment. You’re frustrated about other things, all of which are not your husband’s fault.
Dump out (vent to someone else). Don’t take it out on him.” Constellation-88
1. AITJ For Constantly Nagging My Bridesmaid About Wedding Plans?
“I (f20) am getting married in 60 days. I have three bridesmaids. One is my sister (19), my elementary school friend (20), and finally my college friend, I’ll call her Amy (23).
Amy moved across the states about two years ago. About a year ago, I got engaged. We have been planning this wedding for a while.
I had the date set up before our engagement. I asked Amy to be my bridesmaid exactly a year ago today. Amy was super excited for me, and nothing about our friendship has been an issue until now.
When I asked her, I made it clear that even if she said no to being a bridesmaid, she was more than welcome to join for the celebration, and if she couldn’t afford it, to let me know and I would happily help.
Now it’s two months till our wedding day, and I’m getting more niche things set up: hair, food, bachelorette party, and other things. I’ve been checking in with her, and she doesn’t have a flight or her dress ordered yet. The dates she’s giving me for when she’ll be here have changed multiple times.
She asked if she would be able to stay with me for a week for the wedding, but I have a small one-bedroom apartment and we have family that will be here. I offered to help pay for her hotel if that was the factor holding her up.
She never got back to me.
I asked my girls to have their dresses set up last month, so if tailoring is needed, we can get that done on my tab before the wedding. My sister and my best friend have gotten it all done, and my dress is ready to be tailored as well.
I asked her again this week if she has gotten it in yet, and she hasn’t even ordered it.
I had a conversation with her and said, “Hey, if it’s gotten closer and it’s not manageable, let me know.” I want to help.
She again told me she would get it taken care of, and left it at that. When I talked to my maid of honor about it, she said it sounded like she was trying to make it happen, but I should assume she won’t make it.
I’m worried because the ticket keeps getting more expensive, and if it’s something we need to pay for, I need to get that into the budget soon. I’m also worried I’m putting her in a bad financial position by pressuring her to buy all this stuff.
I’m also struggling with how long she’s had to plan and been able to reach out. I want to know if I’m being the jerk by constantly checking in to make sure she has her stuff in order.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think it’s reasonable to have plans in place a month or two before the actual date.
She clearly has other things going on in her life, and is not giving your wedding the priority that you do. Ultimatums are usually not a good thing, but I think it’s fair given the circumstances to say you need concrete plans in place at least 30-45 days before the wedding so you aren’t scrambling to make it work while also juggling the ceremony, family, and all the other things that go into the wedding.
It shouldn’t be this stressful, and you’re right to be concerned. Hopefully she takes you up on it, but if she doesn’t, I wouldn’t put much faith into her attending at all. NTJ – Congrats on the wedding Edit – Maybe lean on your other bridesmaid to be the intermediary between you guys?” Binge_Gaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I would suggest you choose another bridesmaid. Plan to have three of them, NOT including Amy. And if Amy gets her act together in time, be flexible enough to switch to four bridesmaids at the last moment. Amy might be there, and she might not.
At this point, you should plan it both ways.” No_Radish3127
