People Wish To Know What Goes On In Our Minds After We Read Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My PS4 To My Brother?
“I (25F) have wanted a PlayStation my entire life, but never got one because they’re very expensive.
Of course, I’ve wanted the PS5 since it came out, but I can’t afford it. My mom knew I wanted one, so she floated the idea of asking family members to pull money together, but I’d still have to come up with a couple of hundred dollars and pay for the accessories.
I was seriously considering it.
Then, my friend gave me his PS4 (for my December birthday) which was only a couple of months old because he just got a PS5. I was thrilled. When I told my mom, she said she’d already told everyone in the family to gift me money for a PS5.
I told her it wasn’t necessary, but she said I should still get the PS5 and give the PS4 to my 10-year-old brother. I asked her if I still had to pay for a chunk of the PS5 and she said yes. I asked if my brother would be getting a normal Christmas on top of me giving him the PS4 and she said yes.
It’s important to mention that my brother horribly behaves and if he was my kid, he’d barely get anything for Christmas. That’s how bad he is. He’s also very mean and disrespectful to me. He constantly puts me down, he’ll say things to me like ‘no one will ever want to marry you, you’ll end up alone,’ and he says crappy things about my dad that he’s never met (we’re half-siblings), he insults every interest of mine, and he’s also called me a jerk and a witch before (he calls me names because I don’t put up with his behavior).
He’s said hateful things that have reduced me to tears many times. It’s been hard these past 10 years because I’ve watched him do whatever he wants while I was a very well-behaved child. My mom says it’s because he’s a boy and this is how boys act.
To top it all off, my brother has much more than I did growing up. He has name-brand clothes and shoes, he has two Nintendo switches when I never got the Nintendo DS I asked for every Christmas. He’s very spoiled.
He’s already getting a ton of Christmas gifts (including a Yamaha keyboard which I also asked for as a kid for years and never received).
My mom doesn’t really gift me anything anymore because money is tight and ‘Christmas is for kids.’ This wouldn’t bother me if this hadn’t been going on for 10 years and if he behaved better.
So, I was upset when my mom said I could get a PS5 (as my only birthday and Christmas gift- because I didn’t get any birthday gifts from her) if I could cover a part of it and pay for the accessories, but that I should give the PS4 to my brother because ‘I got the PS4 for free’ and he would ‘love me forever.’
I called everyone in the family and told them I didn’t want a PS5 anymore and now my mom is accusing me of being selfish and unfair. I really thought I had a fair point.
Am I the jerk?
EDIT: I really don’t have a couple extra hundred dollars to cover the additional money for a PS5 right now.
I did not/will not give my brother my PS4. This was a decision that was already made and I wanted to know if I was in the wrong for that decision. Also, I am not lying about my age. My mom had my brother when I was 15.
Yes, I am upset about some of the things my brother says to me. I don’t want to go into everything that he does and says, but this post was only a tiny bit of it. He’s literally told me he wishes I was dead, it’s upsetting.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend was more generous than your own mother. He gave you the ps4 without expecting something back. Your mother expects the ps4 back and you still need to spend money for the PS5, what a trashy deal. She says it is a collective present from the family for Christmas and your birthday but they expect a present in return that still has xxx$ value.
No? You are not stupid. And your friend gave you the PS4 and not your brother. He would have sold it or given it to someone else if you give his present to your brother. But the behavior of your mother shows who the golden child is and maybe you should reduce the contact.” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“I thought you were a teenager at first. Put the brakes on your mother telling you how to run your life. Take charge and manage all of this on your own. You don’t need mommy to arrange your presents.
You also need to deal with your resentment toward your brother, not because you’re wrong—you aren’t—but because hanging on to this anger hurts you more than it hurts him and frankly, he’s probably not worth it.
He’d probably rejoice in knowing he’s getting to you. A calm, impassive, ‘No, thanks, I don’t need your intervention,’ to your mother is all that’s needed. Don’t even have the discussion. That puts control back in your hands and not in the hands of your mother or your brother (who’s probably gleefully watching this drama with a bowl of popcorn).
NTJ, but take control of your own life from now on.” CPSue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You really don’t have the extra $$, and even if you did there is NO reason for you to have to give your PS4 to your brother.
Good on you to tell your relatives no PS5 before they all handed your Mom money that would now probably have gone to her or your brother.
And – you are 25. Your Mom obviously trained you to be her doormat, so that you accepted her mistreating you in favor of your brother – but you seriously need to learn to say NO to that continuing! And to put yourself first, not listen to her.
Live your life, and stop listening to her, she does not like you and WILL continue to take advantage of you.” bkwormtricia
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad Go Back To Living With Us?
“My father (87) has, until recently, lived with my husband (60) and I (61F). He became disabled after heart surgery, and then a fall, in which he broke his neck.
He was no longer able to live alone, so my husband and I opened our home to him.
It’s been five years, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s been exhausting. Recently he had a health crisis that left him bedridden and incontinent. My father is a big man, and my husband has a bad back.
I couldn’t see either of us being able to provide care for my father without injuring ourselves or him.
A little backstory: up until last year, our entire extended family and my father’s church community – were all within 20-30 miles of each other in the Midwest. Last year I took a job in Phoenix.
We offered my father the choice of going to assisted living or coming with us. He chose to come with us.
Now that assisted living is a necessity, my father decided that he would prefer to go to a facility near his old hometown. It’s a fabulous place.
It’s clean, the food is good, they have physical therapy and other social activities, and the people who work there are kind and compassionate. Most importantly he is close to the rest of the family. He can see his grandkids, great-grandkids, and his church friends again.
Since he’s been there, he has made enormous progress. He’s walking short distances with a walker again, getting himself out of bed and into the wheelchair on his own. He’s also getting himself to the toilet again. We’re just thrilled at the progress he’s made at this place.
Here’s the issue. Now that he’s getting stronger, he’s talking about coming back to live with us again. The driving force behind this is money. The cost is nearly his entire monthly income.
The AL (assisted living) community is all-inclusive. All of his daily living needs are met: he has his own private apartment, three meals, snacks, beverages, linen & laundry service, utilities, cable tv, physical therapy, assistance with dressing, showering, and medications.
There are community activities and social programs for fellowship. Basically, he has everything he could possibly need. But he wants to come live with my husband and me again because it’s free, well nearly, he buys groceries.
We don’t want him to live with us again.
We’ve had five years of providing pretty much all of the services he’s getting at assisted living, and we’re tired. Plus we’ve been caregivers for so long that we forgot what it’s like to be a couple. We’re free to take a spontaneous weekend trip by ourselves or to laze an entire Saturday away in our pajamas watching tv.
None of this was possible when my father was with us.
In addition to us living our lives again, I genuinely believe my father is better off where he is. He’s safe, has access to instant health care, surrounded by family and friends. I don’t want him to come home.
Does that make me a jerk?
I suppose what I’m really worried about is that my father will not accept no for an answer unless it’s delivered with a verbal sledgehammer. No matter how much I tell him he’s better where he is, he wants to come home.
I’ve tried telling him we can’t provide adequate care, and he says he doesn’t need much and he’ll be fine. I’ve told him taking care of him is too much for us, and he insists that he’s not that much trouble.
Unfortunately, my father is a perfect storm of demanding, entitled, and obliviousness. I’m afraid the only way it will get through to him is a direct, ‘You can’t live here anymore because we don’t want you here.’ I am not looking forward to that.
I suppose I just needed to send up a test balloon to make sure I was not a BaD dAuGhTeR.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Caring for elderly relatives is tiring and when it entirely falls on you and you have your own health issues it can be an absolute nightmare.
You need to take care of your health.
Chances are once he moves in he will regret it because he will miss his friends, grandchildren, and the facilities.
Have a talk with him and see if he is being visited where he is. It may be that it isn’t as great as he was expecting and he’s not getting lots of visitors.
Potentially talk to your family that is closer to see if they can set up a schedule so he does get visitors.” Inallea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This scenario is staring me square in my face and I genuinely don’t know if I’m built to be that level of caretaker.
You’ve got my sympathy.
But on the subject, his monthly income shouldn’t be an issue for him. If he’s got everything he needs, this is what the income is for. Maybe send him a small monthly stipend as a gift so he feels like you care and he has some spare change each month.
Go visit with him as often as you can. Cook meals in his apartment. Maybe he will decide the facility is his home if he feels like he’s hosting you.” ellylions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not at all. Your father is better off if he stays where he is, and you’re better off if he stays where he is.
Unfortunately, he very possibly doesn’t realize how much of a burden it is to care for someone his age who needs that kind of assistance with daily living. He’s in a good situation now, with ready access to all the help he needs, and he has the income to pay for it… he’s ever so much better off there.
Yes, he’s made a lot of progress, but it’s very likely that he’ll have more health problems in the future and will need so much more than you’re able to provide safely.” BogBabe
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend's Wife Work On Her Multi-Level Marketing In My House?
“My (f30) husband (Tom, m35) recently had his birthday and he invited some of his friends for dinner, and some drinks, and then we were meant to go to a pub.
Invited were people who I knew and was friends with as well as some people he was friends with that I didn’t know or barely knew.
One of them was Harry, Tom’s new workmate. I’ve met Harry a few times and he seemed okay, nice enough.
He brought his wife with him, Claire (f, late 20s I guess). It was my first time meeting her and I’ll admit, she rubbed me the wrong way.
She was just so judgy about everything. But I didn’t have much time to talk to her as I completely forgot to buy mixers for drinks and had to run to the shops.
I was gone for maybe 10 or 20 minutes but when I came back, the music was turned off and everyone was in the living room.
Claire said ‘perfect, we were waiting for you. We can start now.’
I was confused but when I got closer, everything was clear. She decided to throw an MLM party during another party. She had a table set up with her products and flyers and all that crap.
I was annoyed but I let her do her thing hoping that she’ll be done and we can carry on with the party.
Alas, when she was done, she told everyone that she set up a table in my kitchen and we can go and buy products and sign up to be a rep or whatever it’s called.
I’ve had enough at this point.
I should mention that MLMs (Multi-Level Marketing) are not yet huge in my country, at least not the most predatory ones but they’re growing. Still, many people are completely clueless about them. And since I spend way too much time online, I’m quite aware of them.
I told her to stop it and that there won’t be any MLM selling in my house. Everyone was confused. She started defending her ‘company’ saying that it’s not an MLM because they’re illegal, blah blah. Then tried to guilt trip me saying that I don’t support small businesses (I quite literally run a legitimate small business).
I quickly had enough and told her to get out. She started packing, really angry. Making sure to call me some names, including jerk. Her husband helped her pack and they left.
My husband was really angry that I embarrassed him and Harry and should’ve just let it go and support her.
I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t because she’ll get other people sucked into her scheme.
My husband’s friends were divided even after I explained what MLMs are.
Today, Claire has been messaging me all day, sending me screenshots of some weird social media group comments supporting her and calling me a jerk, etc. My husband is still annoyed with me.
I thought I was right but with everyone ganging up on me, I’m not so sure. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – MLMs are tremendously predatory. You did your due diligence by ousting her (you should have stopped her as soon as she started, frankly) and especially since she sprung this on you at YOUR house without permission.
If the others wish to be victimized by her, more power to them. You can send them info links on how evil these things are and wash your hands of all of them.
Your husband, on the other hand… needs to wise up. Someone invaded your party to sell her crap to mutual friends in a dangerous scheme, without your approval or knowledge.
He is upset at the wrong person! YOU did not embarrass him or anyone else, he should feel embarrassed that someone he invited over actively tried to prey upon others attending the party.
He should have been mad at his friend and his gross excuse for a wife.
NOT his own wife, who tried to help the potential victims.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That was really rude and inappropriate of her to show up at your house as a guest to a birthday party and then take it over to sell her products.
That’s enough right there to validate your response. Completely ignorant on her part.
Second, if MLMs are not legal in your country or a common thing, she’s potentially breaking the law in your home, while taking advantage of your unsuspecting guests. You did the right thing by stopping it.
Your husband may have been humiliated because he doesn’t like conflict or making a scene, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. He should be able to see what she was doing was inappropriate and should never have let her get set up in the first place.
So he’s not completely guilt-free in this.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. MLM has been around for ages, at least in the U.S. basically a pyramid scheme. The people that start the MLM, are the only ones who make a profit. The new people at the bottom, pay a fee, which goes to the top people.
The scheme is to keep a steady supply of new people putting funds in. Eventually, you’ll run out of new people that want to get involved, and the funds you’ve invested is gone for good. They will follow basically the same pattern.
If someone came to my house, for a party, and started spouting about the new venture, I’d kick them in the butt on their way out the door.
I’m so glad you knew what was going on right from the beginning. They make it sound so good and so easy. Years and years ago, I was introduced to an MLM. I knew that I wouldn’t be comfortable badgering my friends and family into investing their funds because the logistics weren’t very good.
Block Claire and anyone else who tries to rope you in. You’re the smart one.” BeadsAndReads
This was a birthday party, not a tactic for husbands friends wife to sell her garbage product. She had NO right to do what she did, and your husband allowed her to set that crap up in your home as well.
14. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Husband's Interests?
“I (f28) have a knack for making fun of movies that I do not thoroughly enjoy. This isn’t usually a problem and I often do this with my husband (m28).
I find it fun to poke at plot holes or cringy dialogue and for the most part, my husband plays along as well – except when it comes to superhero movies. My husband makes comic books and superhero movies a part of his personality. I don’t care as much about them as he does.
They are fun to watch and I enjoy them but full of plot holes and cringy dialogue so they are perfect for making ‘why didn’t they just…’ comments.
My husband can get super offended when I make fun of his movies and I’ve come to understand (after many arguments) that sometimes it can feel like a personal attack on him so I’ve tried to dial back a lot on the plot hole remarks and try to be more aware of the things I say.
I was making some pretty heavy banter with my friends after watching a really bad superhero movie at the theater. It was all fun and games until my husband started defending the movie and I can see that my husband was getting agitated. So I say to my husband, with our friends present, ‘okay, I’m going to stop myself because I can see that you are getting upset and I’m not trying to start a fight.’
My husband got angry with me for ‘busting him out’ in front of our friends. He said I was being dismissive and made myself out to be the better person. I didn’t intend to do so and was trying to clearly communicate with him that I was going to stop and de-escalate the problem that I know has clearly upset him.
He is the type of person that doesn’t like for people to know his dirty laundry and constantly thinks people are judging him. They saw this as an attack on him while my intentions were actually meant to validate his feelings and my hand in making him upset.
AITJ for trying to clearly communicate with him that I understood the problem?
Edit: I know I am the jerk for making taking the jokes too far when I know this is triggering for him. That I take full accountability for and my response was to say like my bad I’m going to stop.
Also, my friends never said anything about his or my behavior atm or afterward. I don’t know if they did or didn’t. My husband is the one who thinks that people are judging him whereas I don’t think they were at all since this literally all happened in less than 5 mins.
I wasn’t jabbing at the guy or the movie for hours.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You know clearly that this is something your husband is passionate about. You KNOW he loves superhero movies. Yet you decided to be a jerk about it with your friends while your husband was present?
Then decide to play the good guy when you KNEW you’d be making him upset? Just stop watching superhero movies around him if you’re so much of a whiner when you don’t watch a 10/10 movie. Let people enjoy things.
You’re also not obligated to trash-talk it with your friends, by the way.
You are perfectly able to say ‘eh it was alright’ and leave it. If you’re such a great communicator that should have been easy to do right? But nah, let’s humiliate your husband for defending a special interest of his. That’s clearly the wiser thing to do.
If you love someone you can turn your ‘knack’ for 5 minutes. I get it, I have lots of them and do somewhat the same thing, making fun of movies, but I’m also a self-aware human being and can just not critique things my friends and PARTNERS are passionate about.” Winter-Cost-7991
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
What do you mean you were trying to ‘clearly communicate’?!
The clear communication apparently happened on multiple previous occasions this happened. You understand he enjoys the movies and gets hurt when you heckle and ‘banter’ during them. You said you would stop…
Despite that, you did it again… in front of people…
Then tried to act as if you had NOT previously discussed this behavior, and had NOT previously promised to control yourself during the movies, and KNOWINGLY sat down to a superhero movie with him and started up again… and apologized in a way that ‘simplified’ the problem to make you look good.
Clear communication would have been ‘I’m sorry. We talked about this and I promised not to ruin these movies for you’.
Ugh
For your information – Most movies are not storytelling masterpieces. From Hallmark to War moves, there can be plot holes, wonky dialogue or acting, or tiresome tropes at times.
Doesn’t give you a free pass to ruin the show for someone who was looking forward to it… If you can’t help but ruin these for him every time, maybe stop watching with him. The poor man must feel like he’s got sat next to a heckler in the cinema every time he tries to watch something.” SienteElBern
Another User Comments:
“As a Marvel comic book collector for a very long time, yes there are holes in the movies. But if you know the comic books and the characters for a very long time, it isn’t a thing. While they may not follow the plot directly from the comic books, I understand that each director needs to put his spin on it.
Then there is the editor and they make choices of what goes into the movie and what ends up on the cutting room floor. You have all these people involved in making creative choices and sometimes things get left out.
And talking during a movie in a theater is just plain rude.
As a hobby, it is a tame one and you can’t let him have this one thing without mocking him? Did you really need to bring your friends along? Sounds like you couldn’t wait to mock the movie & him with plenty of witnesses. So you had to rain on everyone’s parade that night in the theater & insult all the fans of that movie.
It is incredibly rude to heckle & talk during a movie, you were determined to ruin everyone’s experience in order to impress your friends.
YTJ!
You are that person in a group making a joke at someone else’s expense and then saying ‘it’s just a joke’ when it really is them being cruel.
And if your husband isn’t laughing, then you are NOT funny at all, just mean.” Samantha38g
13. AITJ For Telling My Friend The Reason Why He's Probably Single?
“I (22M) have a friend (22M) who has never had a significant other or romantic experience. Now, let me say that I actually really like him as a person and think he has positive qualities.
He has a solid job making $180k with a company car as a surgical device sales rep (at 22!) after graduating magna cum laude. He is generally affable and easy to talk to. If his standards were just educated and good person I would totally support it as I think that’s reasonable.
However, physically, and I know I’m being brutal here, he is not a catch. He already has a significantly receded hairline, his face is quite frankly below average, he’s of below-average height and he’s not in amazing shape. I believe he has a distorted view because his parents constantly told him he was very handsome and could get any girl.
As a result, he is exclusively interested in women who are not just successful but also are exceptionally gorgeous.
A woman, who said she just graduated from an ivy league and was a tech sales rep, was flirting with him at the bar. Though she was nice and clearly quite intelligent, and again I know I’m being brutal here, she was not very attractive.
When she asked for his number, he politely declined. I asked him what was wrong and he said:: ‘I mean she seems like a nice person but she’s definitely not in my league’. I bit my tongue.
The next week, he came to me upset and told me that a woman that he had a cooking class with rejected him.
Suspecting the reason why I asked him to show me a picture of her from her social media. Sure enough, she was insanely attractive and in marketing at a big company. I just tried to sympathize. Later, I thought long and hard about it.
On the one hand, I didn’t want to be mean.
But on the other, this has been occurring since freshman year of high school. He is now the last person in the friend group to be single and completely missed out on going out with people in high school and college. Say what you will, but I think that romance is important for the vast majority of people, and I also think physical attraction is a foundational aspect of relationships unless you’re both ace.
He could easily be in a relationship if he got over his obsession with beauty.
So after rehearsing what I wanted to say, I decided to sit him down and I told him ‘I’m going to be honest with you man, I think you should lower your physical standards.
You would have way more options’. He protested and said that his standards were reasonable because he’s a good-looking guy. I said ‘I hate to say it, but your approach of only going after beautiful and successful women has not worked out. Feel free to shoot your shot but I think you should also consider women that are nice/smart but less physically attractive’.
I recommended he go to therapy about this. He got angry and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since (8 days). AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Attraction is subjective, and different things do it for different people. However, the fact that he’s 22, and has never been in a relationship or had a ‘romantic experience’ is a very good indicator that something is not working for him.
It sounds to me as though he is terribly entitled, and thinks he’s god’s gift to women.
It might have been a little bit harsh in how you approached it, but it sounds like he’s shooting for the stars and instantly discounting anyone who isn’t both gorgeous and highly successful.
I’m not saying that he should start seeing someone to whom he has no attraction – but I genuinely think he’s in danger of falling down a very bitter rabbit hole unless he’s willing to give people a chance, even if they’re not his over-blown ideal.
I think you were a good friend to talk to him about this. Not many people would risk possibly coming across as the ‘bad guy’ to do this.” BeneficialDark1662
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but…
You sound like a really good friend. Unfortunately, your buddy prefers his delusion to reality even though it means being single.
I think you did the right thing and I hope he has enough sense to realize that you were being respectful and trying to help him. For what it’s worth, I’d probably have done the same thing you did since it would really torment me to not be honest with a friend.
So I don’t think YTJ for trying to give him a dose of reality. But that said, I think the suggestion to go to therapy about this might have been uncalled for and might be the reason why he’s giving you the cold shoulder.” medievalsandwich34
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you didn’t actually mention his looks to him during the conversation so I don’t think you are a jerk. But one thing did stand out to me. You recognize that physical attraction is a foundational aspect of a relationship and then suggest he go out with women he may not be physically attracted to.
To me, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
On one hand, it can be helpful to a friend to give them a reality check if you have the type of relationship where you can do that. But sometimes you just need to let people figure things out themselves.
Give it time. Either he will come down to earth and figure out there are more important things than looks or his vanity will result in him staying alone. Either way, it’s not your responsibility to fix that for him.
NTJ. I think you handled it as best you can.” familyofrobot
12. AITJ For Not Telling Our Parents To Treat Their Grandchildren Equally?
“I (47) got divorced from my first wife when I was 29. We had two kids and my folks loved them more than anything.
My ex-wife wasn’t happy with the lifestyle that I could provide. I wasn’t making a lot of money but we weren’t in debt or anything.
We had good cars and we had just put a downpayment on our first home that we would own.
Her boss was rich. He was 47 and he could provide luxuries that were out of my reach. She left me for him. I still had to pay child support but I guess I was lucky that I didn’t pay spousal support.
I had to work and I couldn’t get custody. I got visitation. And my ex made it hard. The kids were young. And she manipulated them. If I had planned to take them to a local resort for our summer vacation she would take them to Disneyland the week before.
I would always come up short. Eventually, the kids refused to spend time with me. It went to court and I basically had to accept that I couldn’t force them to see me and my parents.
I met my second wife (33) at the dog park when I was 37 and she was 24.
She had a son who was about the age my son was the last time my parents got to see him. My parents accepted him right away. He loves them. My wife is like a daughter to them. It is what I always wanted for life.
We have two more kids now (8, 5). My stepson is about to graduate next year.
So a few years ago my dad sold his company. He is an engineer and he had some patents that ended up being worth a fair bit of money.
He paid off my house.
He also made educational funds for my three kids. He figured the older ones were done school and hadn’t bothered to visit them in years so they didn’t need anything from him.
Turns out that was wrong. My ex-wife married a scam artist. He was rich.
But he wasn’t rich enough for the lifestyle she wanted. So he stole from his clients. And then he went to jail.
My oldest kids are in a lot of debt. My ex is living with her parents.
She recently tried to tell me that my parents needed to be fair with all their grandchildren.
I told her it was their money to spend on the people they loved and who loved them back.
She said that we were punishing her kids for her mistakes. I said that both of our kids were adults and hadn’t made any effort to see me or my parents in over a decade.
She said I’m being a jerk for not convincing my parents to help her kids.”
Another User Comments:
“You refer to your children as ‘her kids’, which I find strange. They are adults now, and it is not your responsibility to have your parents shell out money to bail them out.
Not to mention, your kids have basically cut you out of their lives. If they wanted help, they should not have burned their bridges a long time ago.
Anyway, I think you need a therapist to help you sort this out, and since your kids are grown now, you know you could block your ex-wife right?
You don’t have to keep her in your life. Why are you still communicating with her?
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems that your Ex is now regretting her actions since she sees that there are assets at play that she left on the table.
What she managed to accomplish hurt her children, the grandparents, and you. I don’t know if it was parental alienation, but she certainly ensured that your family and your children did not have a close relationship. I doubt that even with hard work the damage could be reversed.
Your parents owe no grandchildren anything. They have no obligation to anyone. Let them continue to spend it as they see fit.” ContentedRecluse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I do feel bad for your kids, who were clearly manipulated at a very vulnerable time. But, it’s not like you are leaving them in a ditch somewhere, you are simply declining to convince OTHER people to provide for them.
They are adults, and living with debt isn’t a death sentence, and they are young so with good financial planning they will be okay, plus they have their mother and her parents to lean on – AKA they won’t be homeless.
They have also had at least a few years of being adults – given the ages you describe – to have reached out to form some relationship with you or even your parents, and they haven’t.
That’s okay, again I feel bad for what their mother did to them, but the only outreach now is about money, and not even yours but your parents.
I’m sorry you went through all this, and I hope you are either able to fully close that chapter or maybe use this opportunity to connect with your children – if it can be done in a healthy way – but you certainly aren’t a jerk for not ‘convincing’ your parents to spend money on them.” mfruitfly
11. AITJ For Prioritizing My Dog?
“I (f32) have a 12 years old American Bully named Rory. Because of her age, she had a lot of health issues. Right now she needs to have surgery.
It’s going to be around 6k plus about 3-4k in meds followed by 6 months in therapy that’s going to be 10-12k. That brings the total to 22k at the most. I can easily afford it because I have a good job (in IT), I don’t have any debt to pay, I’m child-free and I budget myself very well.
My mom was what you can call a weekend parent. She never really mothered me. She will often let me fend for myself. Because of that, my childhood was practically nonexistent. My dad died when I was 2 and my grandparents lived far away so I was by myself 99% of the time.
I went in Low contact with her when I started college.
Last year she got married to Alex who has a 5-year-old son (David) from a previous relationship. I wasn’t aware of any of this. I didn’t know she was with someone and I didn’t know she got married.
Mom called me last night because David has some health issues and needs medical care that’s too expensive for their budget. That’s when I found out about Alex. Apparently, my mom did tell me anything because if I knew about Alex she would have been forced to invite me to the wedding which she didn’t want to do.
After all, Alex doesn’t know I exist.
Basically, she wants me to send her 15k to pay for David’s treatment or whatever he needs. I said no. I’m doing well financially but I don’t have that kind of money and I’m not paying for a random kid.
I told mom as nicely as I could that I can’t help her because 1. I don’t want to and 2. I don’t have the money. She ended the call. She found out about Rory’s surgery from my cousin and this morning I woke up to a bunch of voicemails and texts calling me all possible names because I chose my dog over her stepkid.
I texted back this: ‘yes. That dog means the world to me and I will do anything I can for her. David is nothing to me. You got married without telling me because you don’t want your hubby to know I exist. Perfect. If I don’t exist in your little perfect life then why are you asking me for money?
Your stepchild isn’t my responsibility. I wouldn’t give you 15k even if I had it because you’re not important enough to me to spare that kind of money. You haven’t called me in what? 3 years? 4? And now you want money from me? Nah.’
Safe to say my family is now calling me a monster because I would rather help a dog than a child.
My decision is final but I’m curious if I’m the jerk.
Update: Regarding Rory: surgery – it’s nothing life-threatening. She has nerve damage so her back legs are almost completely numb. The surgery is going to help her walk properly. She isn’t going to be in pain because the nerves are almost completely gone.
I wouldn’t go thru with it if I knew she would be in pain after.
I talked with my cousin and she gave me Alex’s full name so I found him on social media. I messaged him and I told him everything. I sent him more than enough proof that I am who I said I was.
I told him to tell my mom that she and the rest of the family can go screw themselves.
I blocked all my family and I’m not planning on ever having contact with them again.
Rory has her last check-up today and she’s scheduled for surgery in 2 days so we are going to do all of her favorite activities before she has the surgery.
I’ve taken time off work and I’m going to work from home until she recovers completely.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Every time she calls or text time to do ‘Who dis?’
If any relative calls to lecture you ask why haven’t they informed the new husband that she has an adult child.
Why are they all keeping you a secret? If you aren’t important to acknowledge then they don’t deserve your money and they all sound like a bunch of con artists looking to get into your pockets.
Heck, you don’t even know if this child is even ill or if it is her making it all up to fleece you.
Can’t trust a liar who doesn’t even tell someone they are married to that you existed.
Furthermore, once she gets money from you she will keep pestering you for more. Why doesn’t her husband have health insurance for the child? There is the child’s mother, your mother and the father of all can work 2 jobs to pay for this.
Why are they being so lazy?” Samantha38g
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t exist to your mom’s husband or child so, by HER OWN logic, your money doesn’t exist either.
Your mother is a giant jerk. She’s lying to her new family and even if you did give her the money (don’t), where is she going to say it came from?
She’s a liar and doesn’t deserve your time or effort. Remind any family harassing you that she literally hasn’t told her husband she has a child and that you didn’t know she was married until she wanted something from you. That is not the action of a mother, that is the action of an egg donor.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her stepchild is the responsibility of the parents of that child. They can arrange a payment plan, take out a loan, or sell something. Set up crowdfunding etc. Lots of things they can do to raise the money. You have no obligation to help.
It doesn’t seem you have any relationship with your mom at all. She wants the relationship when she needs a large amount of money, otherwise, you aren’t worth mentioning. Why should you allow yourself to be used for her new family’s financial benefit?” ContentedRecluse
10. AITJ For No Longer Wanting To See My Stepdaughter?
“Seven years ago I started going out with a woman with a daughter who was almost two.
Things went really well; we moved in together after three weeks, got engaged after three months, and got married a year later. We eventually had our own daughter. We spoke about me adopting the first daughter, but because her dad still takes her one weekend a month, it didn’t seem right.
Things didn’t work out and we ended up getting divorced. We decided to split custody exactly in half with our shared daughter, two weeks at mom’s house, two weeks at my house, etc etc. However, I decided that I no longer want to see my stepdaughter, who is now nine.
My stepdaughter can be aggressive with the younger daughter. She’s also in a lying phase; I worry about being alone in a room with her. I also don’t trust her mom – The divorce has not been amicable and I could see the two of them working together to create a situation where I could get in trouble.
My ex-wife says I’m being a jerk for abandoning a girl who I’ve been the father figure for since she was a toddler. But it seems weird that I should play father for a girl to who I’m not even related. The daughter already has a real dad AND my ex-wife already has a new man.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but very cold-hearted.
Her father isn’t well if and she sleeps on the floor there. I’m betting they don’t have the best relationship.
She is losing someone she thinks is a father figure and at 9 she is potentially aggressive/lying because of a lot of feelings of envy/jealousy towards your daughter because she probably seems so spoiled in comparison.
Over the course of the relationship if you bonded with the stepdaughter I would reconsider yourself to see if maybe just ice cream meet-ups or something would be a situation you are willing to do.
You do not need to but she is probably really hurting and probably really has been for a while.
I wish her the best. And I wish you peace with the decision you make. Don’t feel obligated.” Amalamai
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here—not for you abandoning your stepdaughter but for moving in after three weeks and getting engaged after three months. It shows a lot of immaturity on both of your parts.
I’m a single parent and I surely wouldn’t do that. When going out with someone with kids, it’s important to take it slow and not jump in head-first into a stepparent role.
This is a disaster both of you created bc it seems neither gave any consideration to this child’s feelings when you made a split-second decision on something that would radically impact their life.” Paleyam75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re not empathetic towards a 9-year-old girl whose home life doesn’t sound exactly stable. The mom moved along really quickly with you. If I’m reading this correctly, the mom has introduced the new guy to the 9-year-old girl.
You were the father figure for 7 years; I understand her bio father is in her life still, but one weekend a month isn’t the same as you who had been there all the time for 7 years.
She’s acting out because it sounds like she doesn’t have a great home life.” FancyPantsDancer
9. AITJ For Wanting My Dog's Collar To Always Be On?
“My partner and I have a dog, he’s awesome and a good boy. He’s got a nice (80$) collar that’s made of leather and has a soft lining on the inside.
My partner likes to take the collar off of him every night so that he can sleep without the collar.
She thinks it’s more comfortable for him, which of course it probably is.
But what often happens in the morning when I want to take our dog for a walk in the park, his collar is somewhere in a random spot in the house and I have to go search for it.
I find it quite annoying to have to search for his collar when I have limited time before work to walk your dog.
So I ask my partner to stop taking the collar off because it’s a very nice collar that is well made and not tight on his neck at all.
She says no, it’s nice for him. I say okay, will you then put it back on him every morning so I don’t have to search for the collar?
She says yes, but I can’t expect her to put it back on him every morning because sometimes she could forget.
I say okay yes of course.
Then I say; Ok so to confirm, we agree that if you take his collar off, you will put it back on? And of course, if you forget you forget and that’s totally fine. Then she says ‘I am not agreeing to anything right now, this conversation is not going well’.
At this point I’m absolutely fuming, I say I’m really disappointed and take the dog out for a walk. When I come back I ask if we could chat about it earlier and she says no, and that I should have to deal with my emotions around it.
Am I the jerk for requesting this small thing? I’m not crazy, right? I feel like my partner puts the idea of the dog’s comfort at night above my need to be able to save time in the morning and not have to search for the collar.
Now I feel super frustrated but I can’t talk to her about it and resolve it because she does not want to talk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you make something worse, it’s on you to put it back or compensate for it in some other way.
The clever, non-confrontational solution here is to get a TileSport or similar device to attach to the collar so you can always find it when she throws it somewhere. Maybe make her buy it, or make it her Christmas present, or something.
If money is an issue, or the principle of the thing is important to you, start waking her up to find the collar for you.
Turn on the lights. Make her walk him in the morning. Just connect the direct consequences (collar has been thrown somewhere) to her actions (she threw the collar somewhere).
But this ‘you can’t ask me to do anything because it’s never the right time for me to listen to you’ isn’t going to fly in a sustainable relationship.
She changes that behavior or you leave her. Even if she refuses and you decide to put up with it, it’ll get worse (or continue in worse and worse contexts) until you’re forced to leave. Fix that soon, or throw away the whole woman. Absolutely NTJ.” ThoughtfulPoster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The dog has a (very nice) collar for a reason; it should stay on. Your best bet would be to take it off yourself while it’s still attached to the leash, but then she wins, and that’s conceding the point and you shouldn’t have to.
She should at least be able to do something as simple as leaving the collar in the same spot if she’s going to repeatedly, unnecessarily take it off.
Start waking her up if you can’t find it and be a jerk about it if you want to be petty to make a point and wreck your relationship.
But her trashy communication skills are on their way to doing that already it seems.” villanellechekov
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t be agreeing to a relationship with her. It’s not going well.
Jokes aside, her response is kind of trashy over something small. The practical solution is to take the collar off yourself (before she can) and have a designated place for it that you choose.
This gives full control back to you.
The emotional solution is more complicated, as your partner is asserting control over how you keep your dog but also not being willing to compromise or communicate about it. She’s unilaterally created extra work for you, and when it’s brought up for discussion she blocks you out.
This is a totally normal situation for compromise. It sounds like she has trouble with healthy communication and boundaries, so you might need to consider how to proceed with that.” Lunatalia
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Groupmates With My Blind Classmate?
“During my first year in college, we had a blind classmate. We always made sure she was involved by assigning her parts when we had pair/group work.
The tasks were something she could handle (we asked her first if she could do them). However, her work was often wrong, so we had to redo her parts. At first, we accepted them and explained the errors. She said she’d do better next time.
We told her it was fine, but she should ask us for clarification. Her mom talked to us about this matter. She told us it was probably because someone was doing her tasks for her. We thought it was unfair and suggested letting her do her parts, so she’d learn and not be too dependent.
She laughed it off and continued to pay someone. With that, we decided to return her work and pointed out the mistakes.
During our last term, we had to write a research paper. She was grouped with me again. I was stressed out since my group for this sucked so much; I only had one member I could rely on.
Regardless, I still gave her a simple task to be considerate. The task I gave her was to write the limitations of our study. I explained everything to her and that all she had to do was to organize them into paragraphs. I even voice-messaged her the details and instructions.
She and her mom kept saying they got it. Hence, I let them work on it while I was busy with other parts.
However, when they finally handed me her part, it was word-for-word copied from another study. I was so done and angry that I didn’t reply to them.
Instead, I went to our Prof. to ask if I could remove her from my group and just give her a special task or something. My Prof. agreed to take care of it after I told him everything. I basically snitched on her, but I couldn’t care less back then since I was barely surviving the term.
I didn’t hear anything from her mom, but my classmate was still friendly toward me, so I thought we were good.
But, one day, the mom visited us with thank-you gifts. She gave everyone presents except me. I was so embarrassed when she walked past me; some of my classmates were also dumbfounded since I was the one they used to message and call when they have questions.
Moreover, they began sharing/posting self-pity stuff on social media. Their comments under those posts were also indirectly about what I did, so I muted them as I was starting to feel guilty. Not long after, my classmate stopped messaging me as well. This made me feel so bad about what I did, but my friend said I wasn’t wrong.
I believed her.
Now, 2 years later, one of my friends sent me a screenshot of the guardian’s comments about my blind classmate stopping college because she was ‘traumatized’ after her classmate (me) treated her like ‘crap’ and made her feel ‘worthless’ in her first year.
I kept telling myself I wasn’t wrong, but when I tried to remember what I did, I couldn’t help but feel like crap and think I’m one of the reasons why she stopped. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she was dependent on people doing things for her.
And when confronted with her inability to complete her assignments, she didn’t know how to deal. Honestly, I think her mom (or parents) are likely the enabling jerks, as they seem to be trying to work around her handicap, vs learning how to live and work with it.
And I think the professor was a jerk – how do you have a blind student in a group and not check in with the group to see if any accommodations are needed or any difficulties are encountered that young people may need help managing.” Illustrious_Page_442
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you had just accepted her plagiarized section, you could have failed as well. So technically, you could be mad at her for exposing you to such a risk. Please note that there may be rules against plagiarism that may lead up to expulsion.
Letting someone else do the work may also be considered plagiarism as she is presenting someone else’s work as her own.
For ‘stopping college because…’: It looks like she was already struggling A LOT. Letting someone else write simple sections of text and copying from other studies is a strong indicator that she was just overwhelmed with work and/or did not want to put in the effort.
She tries to scapegoat you to save face.” Interesting_Fox857
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you mean that the mom was paying for someone to do the girl’s work? If so, it’s the mom who let her down, not you. If it was the girl who was paying someone else to do her work, she brought the trouble on herself.
You had nothing to do with it.
Nobody who’s letting her get away with not doing her own work or who’s making people feel pressured to be nice to her (like the mom who is coming to her college classroom and giving gifts to her classmates) is doing her any favors.
She’s not a child. She’s a grown woman.
All you did was hold her to the same standards of honesty as you would any other classmate, sighted or not. That’s real respect. I’ve had blind classmates and they’d much prefer that over some sort of easy work/high grade/unnecessary special treatment given out of pity.” SuLiaodai
7. AITJ For Wanting My Mom To Shut Up About Karma?
“My (30f) mom was lied to by my dad and the lady my dad had an affair with got pregnant and my dad decided to leave my mom for her.
Their kid is now (17m). I’m gonna call him Luke. My mom does not like Luke or my dad or Luke’s mom. I’m not close to any of them either. I despise my stepmother and I hated my dad for a long time too but our relationship has improved. I barely have a relationship with Luke but that’s improving too.
One thing my mom believes in is karma. Or at least her definition of it. Ever since the day she found out my dad had an affair, she’s been telling me about how karma will get him and the other woman back disguised as Luke.
Something happened to Luke a couple of years ago, my mom called it karma. This was disgusting to me. While I usually just let my mom say whatever because she’s been through a lot, I draw the line at her calling my half-brother’s trauma karma.
Instead of just minding her own business, my mom told everyone and their moms about how this was karma getting them back. We had a massive fight about it and didn’t talk for months but she eventually apologized.
I’ve been spending some time with Luke because my dad said he’s been feeling a bit down since he broke up with his partner and I wanted to catch up.
My mom doesn’t like it but keeps her mouth shut.
Anyways, I was staying the night at my mom’s house for reasons and was FaceTiming my husband in my room. I told him how Luke’s actually a really fun kid to be around and that I’m very glad he’s been able to rise above everything that’s happened to him.
I then said: ‘he’s been through a lot.’
The second I said that I heard a sound outside my door, hung up then found my mom listening. I asked her w*f she was doing and she immediately said ‘you shouldn’t care this much, hate to say it but this is just karma at work.
I doubt this is the last struggle he’ll have to deal with. Karma’s unforgiving like that.’
I was honestly mostly really disappointed. I ended up yelling though and told her to shut up about her stupid karma and move on. It’s been 17 years. She sounds insane.
My mom was all like ‘How could you say that? You know what I’ve had to deal with! Are you betraying me too?!’
I just rolled my eyes at her and walked into my room. She began to yell at me through the door saying I broke her heart and how I’m being incredibly cruel etc. She didn’t talk to me the next morning and looked as if she cried all night.
My older sister says that I should apologize and that I should be kinder but I don’t know… AITJ here?
Edit: I’m 30 years old. My dad and mom are both the same age and 50+. My dad married his affair partner (who is also 50+) and had my brother who is 17 years old.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mother needs serious therapy. She is legitimately obsessed with her ex-husband. I don’t blame you for snapping because that sounds really annoying. She’s only hurting herself over this because she won’t move on from it.
Yes, he had an affair. Yes, he was wrong for it, and yes, she may still love him, but it was 17 years ago and is now in the past. She also crossed a line by wishing ill on your half-brother.
She can’t keep going on this way. Something has got to give. Your mother has got to get help for herself so she can overcome this.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom sounds like she has been through a lot, but it’s been 17 years.
At some point, she needs to move on, and honestly, it’s disgusting that she is wishing any sort of harm on a child just so that your dad gets some ‘karma’. It seems like she might benefit from therapy so she can work through the breakup because it doesn’t seem like she’s been able to in the 17 years since it happened. She needs a wake-up call, and it sucks, but it sounds like you are giving her one so good on you.” WarriorCatVet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is sick and twisted. She knows exactly what she’s saying. She’s hoping for that poor boy to go through it because it makes her feel good to see your dad suffer. She needs some serious help and I don’t think you can give it to her.
I think it’s time to impose very strict boundaries, unfortunately, and put that relationship on the back burner. Consider it her karma for being so cruel. Tell her your conditions are that she gets into therapy and that she doesn’t mention Luke to you ever again.
Once again, she is sick and twisted and no normal person thinks like that. People who don’t think like a normal person and instead think cruelly, are unpredictable and dangerous until proven differently. She is dangerous to Luke and your dad’s family. I understand she feels betrayed, but she’s losing her mind over this when she doesn’t have to.” Stunning_Bottle8138
6. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law That I Don't Need Her To Pet Sit For Me Anymore?
“I am 24 and my fiancé is 23, we will be getting married over the summer but we’ve been living together since September. We are financially independent, having full-time jobs. My fiancé has overbearing parents that are quick to anger/judge. They hated me before they ever met me and only decided to finally meet me and ‘give me a chance’ about 1.5 years into our relationship.
We currently have an arms-length, civil relationship with his parents and sister. His sister is 19 and has a retail job from 9-5.
Now to the story. We are going out of town for the weekend and asked his parents to watch his dog and they happily agreed. I asked his sister if she could drop by one morning and feed my cats before work, and I’d pay her $20 to do it.
She happily agreed.
Fast forward, I texted her on Friday morning and asked if she could come by after work (all three of us get off at 5 pm) and see how the cats are fed and where their food is and also to grab the key to our house and the key fob for the gate (gated community).
She didn’t reply all day, so I got worried and had my fiancé call his mom to ask if his sister was still willing/able to feed the cats. She said yes, she’s still willing to and she’s just a really bad texter (texting gives her anxiety so she usually just doesn’t reply to people according to his mom).
She assured us his sister would be in contact.
I still hadn’t heard from her by 8:30, which is when we go to bed (we commute to work so have to be up at 6 am). So I hired my usual sitter because she knows where everything is and left the key in a lockbox on the porch.
We texted his mom not to worry about it, we were able to get our usual sitter. His mom was upset and said his sister was eventually going to reach out.
I just feel like I need to be able to communicate easily with the person feeding my babies!
If she had reached out, I could’ve given her the key and shown her where stuff is this morning or even on FaceTime but she never reached out. Until 11 pm that night after I’d fallen asleep when she apologized. I told her it was okay it just didn’t work out and not to feel bad.
No response from her. His mother told him, angrily, on the phone this morning that his sister was upset over it and she would’ve been happy to do it.
Was it too short of notice to get her to come by? I do maybe feel bad but I also don’t really have any trust built with them yet.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has to be well prepared to care for living creatures. She sounds irresponsible.
Getting anxiety from texting isn’t an excuse for not reaching out. She could have called if texting was an issue. She got off at five, where was she then?
You handled it well, didn’t get mad at her, and told her not to worry about it. Your MIL is just looking for another excuse to get mad at you, I’m afraid.
You have fun on your trip, it’ll give you a break from drama-starters like your in-laws.” Competitive-Bake-103
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t just wait forever for confirmation about something so important, and your point about wanting easy communication with someone watching your pets is a good one. Too bad for your SIL, but she lost the job because she didn’t respond.
Next time (not that there will be a next time) don’t even bother going through the mother. Just text her again and say ‘sorry but since we didn’t hear from you, we made other arrangements.’ Her texting anxiety is her issue to deal with.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Quick and reliable communication is important when it comes to pets. What if her text anxiety impeded her from asking you important questions or contacting you about an emergency regarding your cats?
That said, if maintaining a civil relationship with your in-laws is important to you, perhaps an olive branch you could extend is inviting SIL over to spend an evening with the cats.
Most of the joy of cat-sitting is getting to interact with the little guys. That said it isn’t your job to placate her or your husband’s parents either, so this is an optional side quest.” HeadOfFloof
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Buy My Mother-In-Law A Christmas Gift?
“I (23F) and my husband (25M) only have one bank account, so we share all of our money evenly. Typically, for Christmas, my husband buys a few gifts for me, but otherwise, I buy gifts for all of my family and his.
Two years ago, my mother-in-law called me nearly in tears and told me that they had accidentally broken the tv in their living room, and if they had to buy a new one, they wouldn’t be able to buy presents for their kids and it would ruin their Christmas (my husband comes from a really big family, so his oldest sibling is in his 30s, and the youngest is just starting middle school.)
My husband and I really wanted to do something nice for her, so I picked out a huge smart TV and spent about $300 on it. It was a lot of money for me at the time but I just wanted to make them happy. My mother-in-law opened it and then asked me where ‘her present’ was since the TV was more a present for the kids than her.
I was mad but I got over it.
Fast forward to this summer, I notice that there’s no TV in their living room. I asked my MIL where the TV went and she told me that the kids were fighting over it, so she gave it away to one of my husband’s brothers (who we don’t even have a relationship with for good reason.) I was pretty annoyed by this and I think it was kind of obvious.
I mentioned that I had to work 2 full days to buy her that TV, and she said no amount of money was worth the aggravation it was causing her when the boys fought over it.
I decided that it was a gift to her, and she can do whatever she wants with it, but I’m not buying her any more gifts.
How can I trust that whatever she asks for she won’t just give away? My husband asked what I was buying for her and I told him I wasn’t getting her anything, and he said that wasn’t fair and that I shouldn’t be petty or stoop to her level.
If I am going to bring gifts for anyone else, I have to get something for her, but I really don’t want to.
AITJ?
Update: At the end of the day, my MIL (who I love dearly, by the way) hurt my feelings, and instead of being an adult and really talking to her about it, I decided the right answer was to stew on it for six months and then hurt her feelings back.
Even if my feelings are justified, two wrongs really don’t make a right, and it was petty and childish of me to think that the answer to her being so flippant about my last present was to not get her anything at all. I also didn’t take accountability for how much the person she gifted it to affected me, and I’ve decided that’s much more my problem than it is hers.
Even if my husband struggles to pick out presents, he needs to take some responsibility for what we buy, so if this ever happens again, we can at least feel united on the issue. We’ve decided that this year my husband and I are going to pick out a reasonably priced experience that MIL can do with us – maybe a play we can see together or a dinner out without the kids on us.
That way, she can’t really give it away or think it wasn’t just for her, and we can avoid hurt feelings.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your husband wants your MIL to get a gift, he should be willing to shop for it.
Your MIL can do what she wants with the TV, but someone being rude about a $300 gift is definitely a reason not to get them something. If she’s going to complain about you spending hundreds of dollars on her, she’s not going to be happy with anything you get, and then it’s just not worth the effort, and it’s certainly not worth the emotional toll.” deepspacedragon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She clearly did not care about your incredibly generous and thoughtful gift. The fact that she kind of demanded another present only for herself, even after getting quite a big, expensive gift from her 23yr old (!) DIL and 25-year-old son shows that this whole thing was never about the kids, but about getting someone else to pay for a bigger expense like the TV in her stead.
If I were in your place, I’d be upset, too. Let your husband sort out her gift, he is her son after all. It’s clear that whatever you’d get her, she wouldn’t be satisfied or happy with it.” lexington28
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if he wants to get his mother, he’s an ungrateful and rude mother, a gift, he needs to put in the effort.
Him trying to make you out to be a villain when his mother pressed for that particular gift with a huge guilt trip, and then spit in your face not only when you gave it to her, but later on.
You actually don’t Have to get her anything, tell her that you actually got her a TV, so she needs to go get it from that other person’s house if she wants a Christmas gift. The only thing you have to do is deal with your husband and tell him he’s not allowed to make you out to be a villain when he doesn’t do anything about his mother treating you with blatant disrespect and doesn’t have your back even in private over it.” JCBashBash
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Relatives Stay With Me?
“I (19) am a college student who recently moved out of home and got my own apartment that I share with a roommate. Before I moved out, my living situation wasn’t great. I was raised by my grandmother due to both my bio parents having issues with illegal substances and mental stuff when I was first born.
My dad with my younger siblings moved in with us a couple of years back due to their being evicted from their last home. My grandmother was supposed to have retired by now but was unable to due to having to care for more people.
She and my dad would constantly argue due to him refusing to get a job and move out, or him usually leaving her to watch and provide for his kids while he left for days or even weeks to who knows where, as well as him encouraging my younger siblings to do things like skip school, vape, etc.
He also constantly leeched and asked to ‘borrow money’ not just from my grandmother but me and my younger siblings. Money he never paid back 95% of the time. If I refused or tried to say no he would get angry or say stuff like ‘I don’t owe you anything’ because there were times I asked him to drive me places when I was younger.
You know, things most parents do for their kids without expecting something in return. There are other things he does too but I won’t list them all.
I wanted to be close to him at a younger age because he had been gone a lot during my early childhood.
But after seeing the way he treated his own family and hearing about screwed-up things he did, I started to distance myself from all of them. When I moved out, I kept my plans private and didn’t give them my address, saying I was just staying with a friend for a while because I really didn’t want that toxicity to follow me to my new life.
Not for a while at least.
At some point recently, my grandmother finally had enough and forced him out, telling him to take his kids too or she would call CPS. Some of you might think she was in the wrong for this, but again he had been leeching on her and living rent-free for two years off her, and had the nerve to constantly insult her when she didn’t want to live with his crap.
It wasn’t her responsibility to take care of more grandkids just because he thought because he did it with the first one, so why not the others?
A few days back I got a call from the youngest who told me what happened and said my dad wanted to know where I was.
I didn’t want to say and he picked up and got mad, calling me ungrateful and a brat and other terms I don’t want to put. Even if I had enough space which I didn’t, I couldn’t mentally handle any of them right now.
I blocked and I haven’t heard from them personally since, only that they’re now staying with an aunt. I spent so long wanting and planning to get away from that misery, there was no way I wanted to let it follow me because ‘iTs fAmiLy’.
But I have gotten mixed responses from my friends who say I should have at least tried. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your roommate and your lease are your trump card. Legally, visitor clause aside, the persons named on the lease are the only ones allowed to inhabit the apartment.
Strike 1 for dad. Second, your roommate should be allowed to approve or veto your guests staying overnight at your apartment (you would be allowed the same courtesy). Strike 2. Finally, dad sounds like a real peach who never amounted to much besides being an absent parent and a first-class mooch.
Strike 3.” BadBandit1970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ just because you have biology tying you to someone does not mean that you should allow them to walk on you to use you to take advantage of yourself or others. You are very smart to go low contact or no contact with this parent.
If you wish to you might have an email set up so siblings can update you on their life plans. But do let everyone know they are not to come to your place you are not going to give that information out and if they press you or hand the phone over to your parent that you will block them.
I’m very happy that your grandmother raised you properly to make sure to take care of yourself. And I applaud your grandmother for standing up for herself and reclaiming her home.
Whether one is related or not being used is not acceptable. You are not alone.
You are not the only person raised by their grandparents. You are not the only person who has toxic family members. I love this quote ‘friends are the family you get to pick.’ Please keep yourself surrounded by healthy stable supportive individuals. Do not forget that mental health professionals can help you repair some of the side effects left over from toxic family members.
I highly encourage you to do that. Because it will make it easier for you to stand up for yourself in the future and also not allow toxic people around you. Because you’ll be able to know the warning signs and have a good strong sense of self to not put up with it.
Good luck to you and yours. Be safe in all things.” boiledpenny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – And by the way, what does your roommate have to say about the possibility of letting this addicted leech into their home? Not to mention adding that many people into the apartment could well violate the lease agreement.
Tell your ‘friends’ that they can offer up their living space if they are so worried about the situation and keep your boundaries. It may well be that CPS needs to get involved for the children, but your jerk dad can deal with his own problems. Keep your address under wraps and be ready to call the cops if he shows up.
You do not deserve to have to deal with this.” Dipping_My_Toes
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Family To See My Daughter Anymore?
“I (25f) have never really gotten along with my husband’s (26m) family, but recently something has happened that I can’t just ignore. My daughter (4) has autism and is verbally on the level of about a 2-year-old maybe slightly less. She can only repeat things that she has heard before and she repeats them exactly as she hears them.
For example, when taking a picture of you tell her to ‘say cheese’ and she will say ‘say cheese’ back to you.
My daughter has saying negative things about me ever since she stayed with my husband’s family. My husband’s family has made comments on my parenting before, but I never thought that it would get to the point where any of them would go so far as to do something that could get her taken from me.
My daughter is in speech and occupational therapy one to two times a week and if she says that type of thing during an appointment they are obligated to report it. My husband believes it was my sister in law that told my daughter what to say as she has a long history of being jealous and really rude to me and has recently been involving my daughter in her wrath.
But I can’t rule anyone out as my mother-in-law was recently left alone with my daughter because I had the flu and couldn’t care for her.
My husband wants our daughter to be able to see his family but I’m terrified. I don’t want to affect my husband’s relationship with his parents and I don’t want him to resent me but I feel like my hands are tied. My daughter is mentally and physically disabled and I can’t risk anything that would put her into foster care where she wouldn’t get proper care and treatment.
I feel justified but I know that I am also biased so AITJ?
UPDATE: Someone actually ended up calling CPS on my sister-in-law. I’m not sure what for or any other details but I guess there is something to be said about projection!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have a husband problem. He should be standing with you on this, not putting his want of a relationship between your child and his mother over your daughter’s wellbeing and your need to feel safe from his family actively working to endanger your child’s stability.
Here’s a compromise. Install nannycams in every room of your house and do not allow MIL or SIL any unsupervised time with her, unless they are in your house.
If your husband resents you for keeping your child safe from his family’s foolishness, then send him to live with them, and make sure that all of his visits are supervised, too.” EYJacksonGilbert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband is kinda selfish. Does he think one moment about what will happen to your child if they take this seriously? His family wants to hurt you so much that they care about what will be about your daughter, she is just a weapon.
And he wants those people to see your daughter. What next? Hitting her blue and green and letting her say ‘Mamma did’?
It isn’t that he has not your back, but that he doesn’t want the best for his child. It isn’t the best for the child to see his family.
If she is 4, she also doesn’t really care so much. It is just him who wants that they are close or that he wants to give in to what his family demand – even though he sees that they do such evil things.
You must start to document everything!
Make a diary of what they do, and if you have proof, save them. It can be important for the future. And your child must be kept away from the inlaws. If your husband can’t accept this… I would rethink how this can work out in the future if he prioritizes the family over his new family.” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The child ALWAYS comes first, and you are very very justified in not trusting his family. This is totally insane, and truly abusive behavior to put a child through.
That being said, it is hard to navigate these situations in a marriage, when your husband is certain he knows who the culprit is, and therefore does not agree with your plan to ‘punish’ everyone else.
This does not mean he cares less about your daughter’s safety. He just feels a certainty that you do not. And as you don’t feel that certainty, you cannot take the risk.
As I see it, the agreement should be SIL can not see your daughter, period, ever.
Husband is certain that SIL did this? Then husband should recognize that SIL is a danger and cannot be around his child at all. And the compromise should be that MIL (and that side of the family, since they are all clearly capable of evading the SIL ban) can only have supervised visitation with daughter.
So he gets what he wants – daughter can see his family. But you get what you want – she is never alone with them.” ImaginaryAnts
2. AITJ For Not Telling My Friend's Partner That I Speak Spanish?
“I (f20) am currently studying in the UK.
The term has just ended and my friend had a house party last night. She’s recently gotten together with a guy, Adrian, and this would be the very first time we (our friend group) would be meeting him.
The party was loud and we all got wasted pretty quickly.
I didn’t have much time to speak to Adrian besides the introduction. Oh and he also brought his friend with him.
I knew Adrian was from Spain but since we haven’t really talked, I didn’t have much chance of ever making it known that I speak Spanish (my school had a very extensive foreign language program and Along with English, I had to learn Spanish all the way from primary to secondary graduation (I didn’t attend school in the UK).
I needed some fresh air so I went outside to the back garden which was really dark. I could see two figures at the end and I’m sure they saw me as the back door was lit. I don’t think they cared though because they were loudly talking in Spanish.
I think they assumed that no one would understand. It was Adrian and his friend and they were talking trash about my friend, Adrian’s partner. I’m not going to repeat this but it was nasty.
I was unsure of what to do and battled with myself but ultimately, I decided to tell my friend everything.
Well, she ended up confronting Adrian and he denied absolutely everything and she believed him.
Adrian on the other hand was mad that I hid that I spoke Spanish (I didn’t) and said I was a jerk for not saying it when we were introduced and it was a jerk move to hide it and then spy on him.
I told him he shouldn’t have said those things or at least be quiet because he doesn’t know if anyone might be listening.
He called me a witch and my friend kicked me out.
She’s still angry with me and he made an online post complaining about me hiding the fact that I speak Spanish and that I had no business speaking it anyway.
Basically being really nasty. I don’t have him on social media, my other friend sent me links and screenshots.
I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing but now I don’t know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So let me get this straight.
The guy is angrily complaining about you speaking Spanish AND denying that he said what he said AND your ‘friend’ believes him over you? Your friend is pretty gullible.
OP, you’re NTJ. If the guy didn’t want anyone to know what he said, he shouldn’t have said it.
Don’t feel bad if you lose a friend over this. You told the truth and did nothing wrong. You don’t need friends who are credulous to the point of stupidity.
The guy is pretty stupid too. There basically are NO secret languages out there. Whatever language you speak, you’re going to randomly run into someone in a place you don’t expect, who will speak it.
And Spanish is one of the most widely spoken languages in the world.” Kthaeh
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ
You’re a good friend and a true girl’s girl. You owe absolutely nothing to Adrian. Or anyone for that matter. He is not entitled to explanations or any personal information about you, including how many languages you speak.
The only reason he’s throwing a hissy fit is because he got caught. He’s clearly a nasty toxic manipulator and your friend is seemingly not only oblivious to that, but she’s also wildly ungrateful and nasty herself.
Reconsider this friendship because while you were sticking your back out for her, she was ready to stick a knife into your back.
She watched as he called you out by your name and didn’t hesitate to leave you to fend for yourself before harassing you online. Anyone who doesn’t appreciate what you did doesn’t deserve your friendship.” itsmehianonpls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to disclose your languages the first time you meet someone, that’s not ‘hiding’ it.
Adrian shouldn’t have assumed nobody else spoke Spanish and he DEFINITELY shouldn’t be saying horrible things about his own SO. That being said, your friend is also a jerk. You rightfully tried to point out a red flag about her new man and she didn’t believe you over him?
I know love can be blind but gosh, she really shut her own friend down over a boy. Guess girl code is out the window here. It’s also a red flag that he’s trashing you online, but I guess she won’t care about that either.
I bet it’ll be so hard to not say ‘I told you so’ when he inevitably breaks her heart and she comes crying back to you.” PreviousWerewolf1398
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Come To My Mom's Wedding?
“My younger sister ‘Tessa’ has been with ‘Brian’ since her freshmen year of high school (currently seniors in college) My mom has always loved Brian and treated him like family. He has some issues with his own mom and spent most of his time at our house.
Six months ago Brian ‘pranked’ my wife on a family trip by destroying all of her makeup. she found it in the toilet and in the sink filled with water and was irate. I’ve never seen her like this. We woke my mom up screaming and demanded she finds out who did it.
She didn’t seem to think it was a big deal and tried to go back to sleep. Finally, she realized we were serious so she woke Tessa, Brian, our other sister, and her partner up to get to the bottom of it.
Brian couldn’t keep a straight face and finally admitted to it.
My mom again tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal, but I cussed Brian out and demanded he replaces everything. We came up with an estimate which was just over 1K (makeup is her passion) and my mom paid it because she said Brian was just a college kid.
I was pretty mad and we cut contact with Brian. It has since been implied that he was bribed with a fancy watch to do this ANd EvERyOnE wAS wAsTeD, but to me, there is no excuse. I still don’t mess with Brian.
Well, my mom is currently planning a wedding and was talking about how she has no one to walk her down the aisle as she is mad at her father, but she feels like it’s weird to not have someone.
Brian volunteered and she was clearly really moved by it and said yes. I internally felt sick. I told my mom that if she publicly honored Brian like that I would not be able to go.
My mom seemed really taken aback and said I was being crazy and we need to put this aside for a wedding.
I said I was sorry, but I could not go if Brian was in a position of honor, because what he did was despicable. My mom said I was selfish and a jerk and was like fine don’t come. Brian got mad and said I was punishing my mom, and Tessa was screaming at me, calling me selfish and a horrible son.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not about the makeup. It is about not respecting someone’s items. It’s about how Brian had ZERO CONSEQUENCES for his action since OP’s mother paid.
This wasn’t a 5-year-old who did the prank, no it was a grown adult who disrespected someone’s items and didn’t care.
OP is mad because his mother doesn’t care about his and his wife’s property and allows Brian’s actions to go unnoticed. It was never about the prank/makeup, it was about the lack of respect regarding their property and ZERO accountability on the Brian.” Vegetable-Bee-7545
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ.
First of all, it wasn’t a prank. Cambridge Dictionary says a prank ‘is a trick that is intended to be funny but not to cause harm or damage.’ Destroying $1,000 of anything isn’t a prank, it’s bullying.
Second, I’d be mad that mother’s fiancé put Brian up to it.
Third, I’d be mad that Brian did it.
Fourth, and most importantly, I’d be mad that my mother and her fiancé and Brian don’t seem to get that it was a big deal. I’d be mad that mom paid to protect Brian. I’d be mad that despite his act of mistreatment, she decided she’d rather have him walk her down the aisle rather than her own son.
And frankly, if some little twit destroyed $1,000 of my stuff, I’d feel violated and disliked. I would absolutely expect some groveling, and it sounds like that didn’t happen. Honestly, your family sounds like a piece of work and I’d probably not want much to do with them if I were you.” FingHateReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t want to be at that wedding. You shouldn’t go to that wedding.
But honestly, this seems like you are directing all your anger at Brian instead of at your own messed-up family.
Brian is a young guy without a stable family of his own.
He has a ‘surrogate’ family, which now has a new man entering the picture. This guy sounds like a piece of work, and Brian has no doubt been dealing with him more than you have. He was wasted and pressured by this guy to pull a dumb prank that was really just an act of vandalism and bullying.
Totally not okay. But you don’t say anything that suggests that this is emblematic of Brian in general. He did one bad deed, while wasted and at the behest of someone with quite a bit of emotional leverage in his life. And you have cut him off for good and centered all your rage on Brian.
Meanwhile, your mother is having her daughter’s PARTNER – not fiancé, not husband, PARTNER – walk her down the aisle, despite having an actual son. (Not to mention daughters. ) That is… weird. You have to know it is weird. And you seem to be handling it by raging at Brian.
Instead of, ya know, your mom and future trashy stepdad.” ImaginaryAnts
Ditch the bunch of them. They don't respect either you or your wife, they destroyed your wife's expensive property completely unprovoked for no good reason except they found it "funny", and your mother rushed to defend Brian's "prank" to the point that she opened her wallet, and she wonders why you don't want anything to do with her? She has a serious problem.
