People Ask Us What We Think About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Understanding How My Partner Forgot To Wear Appropriate Footwear?
“One morning, my significant other and I had to run some errands. We live in Chicago, and this was about a week ago when we were having snow and ice storms. We were going to pick up a Togo grocery order, stop at the liquor store, and we were going to grab Starbucks on the way.
So, I asked my significant other if I drove, would she run inside to Starbucks to get the coffee, because the one she was ordering from didn’t have a drive-thru. It was early, and I knew she’d be in and out as the passenger. I would drive and handle the other 2 errands. Before we left I saw her putting on sandals and questioned her choice of footwear.
She replied saying that it was her choice what to wear, so I let it go.
We leave and while we’re just walking out of the condo she turns to me, and goes, ‘oops I forgot to wear shoes! Would you be sweet and run in and grab the coffee?’ So, I asked, ‘how did you forget to wear shoes?’ It’s 10 degrees outside and snowing!
We could see it snowing outside our floor-to-ceiling 15-foot open condo windows! How did she forget? We had also both taken dogs outside for walks that day. We ended up having a wild argument about it!
TLDR: Am I the jerk for thinking that my significant other wouldn’t just tell me she didn’t want to go outside to get the coffee, and purposefully wore ‘inappropriate footwear’ so that she had an excuse not to?
Now she has made it a point to wear her socks and sandals outside in the winter again and say, ‘look I forgot to wear shoes again!’ Like it’s something that happens all the time? Does this happen to other people too? Is she being manipulative, is there something I’m just not understanding, or am I just a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She did it on purpose and you even warned her before she even got out of the house and doubled on it.
In that case, it was probably to be able to avoid doing any of the errands and avoid getting out of the car.
The fact that she keeps doing it seems to be attention-craving. You can either talk to her or just not give her the attention she wants regarding that (every time she points at that you can just reply ‘Uhm’ and that’s it) nor give her extra care over it (if she chose to wear sandals, you don’t have to pick up her slack).
Compare it to someone going out without a jacket after being told that it’s going to be cold and then trying to get their partner’s jacket. That might be because they wanted to ‘look cute and the jacket didn’t match the outfit’ or because they want to feel extra cared for when their partner gives up their jacket for them. However, they are inconveniencing other people for their issues, and the easiest solution is for them to bear the consequences of their decisions (in that case, be cold) so they stop being childish.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
We also live in the Chicago area and my hubby frequently wears his sandals (without socks!) in the snow and I even had him weigh in on this (to clarify: he never uses his footwear as an excuse not to run errands, he just hates shoes and has his Scandinavian b***d to keep him warm!)
And we’re agreed you’re NTJ and your significant other definitely did it on purpose to not have to run errands.
Especially since you even pointed the sandals out to her and she refused to change before you left. She should have been honest and told you no when you asked her if she would run into Starbucks and not pull some silly stunt. And trying to cover for it later by continuing to ‘forget’ her shoes is just prolonging the silliness of her actions.
Just curious though:
If she had been simply honest with you and said she didn’t want to run into Starbucks, how would you have reacted? Just trying to wrap my head around her actions and wondering why she’d resort to silly stunts instead of just being honest when you asked.” shrinking_violet_8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The consequence of, ‘I can wear what I want’ is sometimes you wear inappropriate things (intentionally in this case) and suffer the fallout.
Some people will wear shorts or skirts well into the winter and forget to even consider the cold until they are otherwise affected negatively, and some will refuse a coat as it didn’t match their outfit only to whine about the rain and expect consideration. Sometimes the consequence of these actions is not the immediate follow-up, but rather that they may not be given sympathy, because this is a learn about appropriate attire one should have learned in early childhood.
‘Now she has made it a point to wear her socks and sandals outside in the winter again and say, ‘look I forgot to wear shoes again!’ Like it’s something that happens all the time? Does this happen to other people too? Is she being manipulative?’
She’s definitely being manipulative if, like before, she’s expecting you to do all the legwork, because ‘I can’t, I’m wearing sandals~’ Give her a consequence, like a child, if she refuses to wear appropriate footwear.
Don’t get her a coffee or press her to get out of the vehicle. If she throws a fit tell her that such displays are as childish as her inability to understand the value of appropriate footwear in certain climates.
If it sounds like I’m suggesting you infantilize your significant other it’s because I am, because this behavior is childish on her part. The indignation, the pouting, the obvious rebellion.
They’re not adult acts, because an adult would communicate and maybe at least entertain the idea that their choices have consequences.” PristineEarth6067
17. AITJ For Ruining My Brother's Night Out?
“I (M32) have a brother M30 (Kevin) who is a single dad to a 3yo, Kevin lives in the same city as me we don’t have any family or relatives here just a few friends.
Kevin has a habit of dumping his kid on me at random times to watch while he goes out on dates with women. So far he’s gone out for 4 dates while expecting me to watch my nephew.
It bothered me because I have work commitments (I’m a nurse) and my schedule can be unpredictable, so he caused me issues at work by dropping his kid off at my house without telling me first.
Last week he did it again. He came over at 6 pm and entered my house with my nephew (he had a spare key) while I was showering and left the house immediately.
I got out of the shower and was shocked to see my nephew standing there alone. I asked where his dad was and he said he just left. I knew he wanted me to watch my nephew, I called him several times on the phone and he did not pick up. I was so mad and almost freaking out because I was getting late for my shift. I sent him a text telling him to come to pick his son up right now or I’d call the cops on him for child abandonment.
He texted back begging that I******* up just this time because he had an important rendez-vous and he couldn’t leave in the middle of it. I told him that I was serious and I’d do it and gave him 10 minutes to get home.
He got home looking annoyed and started yelling at me for ruining his time and making him leave in the middle of it, just because I couldn’t bother to skip one darn shift to watch my nephew.
I told him I never agreed to watch his son and he made me do it. He said that it was an emergency which made me laugh because calling a a night out an ’emergency’ is just absurd. Long story short he left with my nephew but hasn’t stopped blaming me for spoiling his date and probably causing damage to the relationship between him and his ‘potential’ girl.
It’s been a week and he’s still salty about it demanding I make it to him and call his date and lie to her and tell her some sob story about why he had to leave like that but I said I won’t do that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have more concerns about the child’s well-being. He must feel deeply unwanted by the interactions he witnessed when dad tries to pawn him off on others who can’t watch him (esp if he already has another parent not involved in his life – young children have magical thinking and believe they cause these things).
This is probably one reason why you’ve pitched in before – I imagine that could tug on your heartstrings. But big picture, your brother needs a childcare plan so he doesn’t view his child as just an obstacle – if you’re in a city, sometimes churches have weekend date-night drop-off care so parents can get some respite. Not to mention an old-fashioned paid teen babysitter.
Your brother’s impulsiveness and lack of planning and what the kid has to hear, see, feel as a result are concerning and I hope your brother can learn to plan and build the kind of support infrastructure that parents need. He sounds pretty obtuse and centered on his own needs, so maybe tell him that future dates will think organized parenting (ie having a child care system for weekends that’s not family) is attractive whereas having one family member is the only support will be a red flag to them.
The fact that he wants you to lie about the recent date shows he knows his behavior was slimy.” AmyAransas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But why even ask? You know this isn’t about you being the jerk! You have common decency and a commitment to a stable job. He is out looking for some booty. Hardly a comparison in importance here.
As for feeling ‘icky’ about having to threaten him with some pretty severe consequences for said non-communication & dumping.
He needs this. He doesn’t have good (respectful) boundaries with you.
I might suggest changing the locks or at least getting your key back (not as trusty). Then he physically cannot ‘walk in and drop’. If, in the farthest reaches of stupidity, drops his son on your doorstep (outside), call the cops. This is not to be allowed for anyone, even your brother.
I have a feeling that he is not transparent with his potential dates.
If he told them about his son, his reliance on you, and the variability of your job shifts, he wouldn’t have to worry about having to ‘oops’ out of one or two. But this requires a potential date who actually wants to be with someone who has a kid or at least isn’t scared by the possibility. It might scare some ladies off. But again.
If all he is looking for is getting laid, being honest isn’t so important to him.
No matter what his motivations, the nephew is not your responsibility. I’m sure you love him, but that doesn’t mean you need to kill your career for his father’s love life! Not your responsibility.” Educational-Food9471
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you never were. You explicitly stated you never agreed to babysit your nephew, and I highly doubt that even if you did, you clearly communicated how you felt about drop-offs, never mind random ones.
You have a job, a job he’s put in jeopardy because he’s irresponsible.
Also, your brother has some gall. He wants you to miss a shift, a nursing shift which you should easily get $150+ for if my math is right, to babysit when he’s not even paying you? No. God, no. That’s the most blatant form of his entitlement, closely followed by the fact that he hornet expects you to babysit his ’emergency’ of wanting to get ‘some tail.’
He doesn’t respect your time whatsoever to even give you a heads-up text to just ask about emergency babysitting jobs for your nephew. You were absolutely right to threaten him with the cops. How else could you make him responsible? He clearly doesn’t like to listen to you when you communicate clearly, so threats it is.
Also, change your locks. I wouldn’t trust a sibling-like this with a key in the first place, but since he’s proven to abuse that key to seriously inconvenience you, enforce your boundaries by denying him the chance to do it again.
Even threaten to charge him with breaking and entering if you have to. Your nephew shouldn’t have to be putting up with your brother’s irresponsibility, but you genuinely can’t take care of him without your brother respecting your space, first.
If you’re feeling especially spiteful, tell his potential date what actually happened along with the fact that your brother expected you to feed her some sob story.
You don’t owe him anything. He got himself in this mess, it’s not your job to dig him out.” Slight-Pound
16. AITJ For Being Annoyed That An Old Argument Is Brought Up Repeatedly?
“My (24M) wife (24F) and I were talking earlier tonight and she brought up again an argument that we had about a year ago.
It was a really silly argument, especially when I think of typing it out.
I have a pair of shorts that I have always thought were navy blue, 100%. She asked me where my brown shorts were, and I said I don’t have any brown shorts. She said yes, you know those dark brown shorts, and we went back and forth until eventually I got my shorts and she said ‘those!’ And I laughed and said ‘Are you blind?
These are blue!’ Jokingly, I thought. And also the 100% did not look brown at all to me haha. Turns out that saying that in that way hurt her feelings. We ended up taking the shorts into different lighting, and eventually, I sort of saw how she could think they were brownish. I apologized for saying ‘are you blind’; though I felt it was said as a joke, I could tell it hurt her feelings, so I meant my apology.
End of story, or so I thought.
Over the last year she has brought up this argument at least 5 times, and it seems like every time she brings it up, she gets more agitated about the memory. Tonight, we were talking and that time comes up again, and I start getting quiet, hoping to change the subject. We move on, but I can tell it’s bothering her, so I ask what she’s thinking.
She tells me that she’s thinking about the way I said ‘Are you blind?’ Like I was so sure I was right. It makes her upset. I tell her, again, honestly, that I didn’t mean it in a mean way, and that I’m sorry it hurt her feelings. Our conversation ended shortly after, and I felt bad but also frustrated because I’m really thinking this year-old silly argument isn’t going away.
Am I the jerk for being upset that her feelings are still hurt? Was what I said that day really mean?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
People see colors differently, and that’s fine, either way, you apologized, and that she keeps bringing it up is a little weird, but I wouldn’t call her a jerk for it. I hope it does resolve itself soon though, cause I understand it’s frustrating if an argument keeps being brought up if it’s already been stopped.” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
I have a female friend who has a degree of color blindness.
We were looking at bags in a store one weekend and she turned to me and said ‘Ewww! What a horrible color green!’ She brought the bag to me expecting me to agree. I responded, ‘What on Earth are you saying? It’s chocolate brown!’ ‘Oh,’ she muttered, ‘if that’s brown it is a nice brown.’
The Periodic Table on the classroom wall was Green/Orange/Yellow. The chemistry teacher said that the Transitional metals were in the ‘orange section’ and she whispered, ‘Which is the orange?’
I know that she got teased about it at school.
It reminded me of my father telling me ‘I wonder if the green I see is the same green that you see.’
There are certain people who have different color cones in their eyes, some are officially ‘color blind’ and see fewer colors, and some actually see more colors – and so yes people DO see colors differently.
Perhaps your comment brought up something that she is subconsciously aware of. That she sees colors ‘differently’, perhaps she got teased at school about it.
All you can do is apologize, and say that you forgot that some people have a different sensitivity to colors.
And point out that it’s like the ‘gold&white/black&blue dress’ in real life.” Future_Direction5174
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you said something that triggered her. Not to be overly dramatic, but there seems to be something not related to you that is bothering her. She might not even know what it is. Does she have bad experiences with previous partners or family members?
Maybe talk to a therapist?” Ok-saymyname-5462
15. WIBTJ For Taking My Roommate's Cat To The Vet?
“My roommate and I have been living together for 2 years.
She has two cats, I have one, but we’ve always just treated them all like they’re both of our cats, except when it comes to big decisions and medical bills, for which we cover our own cats.
I’m in the process of moving out, but she’s 5hrs away visiting a friend right now so I’m back every night feeding the cats (I haven’t moved my cat to the new place yet cause I knew I’d be doing this and figured it’d be easier if they’re all in the one place), and today I came back to find that one of her cats is a bit ‘off’.
He’s usually a massive pig and hugely food motivated, but tonight he wasn’t even phased when I arrived, even though it was after their usual dinner time, and when I put the food out he didn’t even come into the room. I tried to offer him some dry food – nothing, then brought him into his room and showed him the dry food – he sniffed it and left, then I offered him treats and he actually gagged.
He’s not acting hugely different otherwise, but he’s moving a little slowly and he keeps licking his lips and he’s thrown up bile (there was vomit on the floor when I got home so I guess he’s all empty now). I even dug through the vomit and fingered through the bile to make sure there wasn’t any b***d or foreign items in it (all clear).
He’s fine to be picked up and kind of rag doll when held (somewhat normal, but I’d still consider it a symptom).
Obviously, my first instinct is to go straight to the vet, but my roommate isn’t answering the phone so I can’t get his vet file off her, and I also don’t want to pay a consultation fee only for her to tell me she won’t pay it back cause she didn’t agree to take him (we’re both really broke right now so has actually caused tension recently and I can see this happening), and I also don’t want to take tomorrow off work to keep monitoring him because she isn’t answering her phone to come home and take care of him.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d take a year off work to care for this little boy if it came to it, and if she responds and asks me to I’ll do it, but I don’t want to be forced to do it because she’s decided not to use her phone on her trip.
My main question is, would I be the jerk for taking him to the vet and sticking her with the bill even if it turns out to be nothing?
Edit: roommate finally replied and we’ve decided to just monitor him overnight and if he hasn’t eaten by the time I’d usually leave for work I’ll call in sick and take him to the vet. Hopefully, it’ll be something simple like indigestion that he can ride out overnight, but time will have to tell.
Edit2: Y’all it’s all okay, he slept for about an hour then started acting more alert and when I moved his food bowl he seemed to just notice its existence and started WOLFING that thing down.
Thank you to the few of you who commented and made me feel better – just a little upset tummy”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ and I commend how much you care. It’s very heartwarming. I agree with your update though to monitor overnight. Important thing is to keep fluids up and avoid dehydration (check for pale gums and if you pinch the skin along the neck and back, the skin should bounce back quickly.
If it slowly does, it is a sign of dehydration). Kitty might just be a bit stressed because of the packing, moving, people in and out. Cats are very switched on and know when something is up.” otterly_overwhelmed
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, but be ready for her to tell you she won’t be paying the bill. You might end up having to pay for it, whether you want to or not.
When it comes to sick pets, it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you feel that the cat is behaving unusually and you’ve noticed that he’s eating less, you should absolutely take him to the vet ASAP. It could be nothing, but it could also be something serious, and it’s best to try to get him help before it gets worse.” Putrid-Hamster-4001
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
But your roommate would be if she refused to cover the vet bill. If she was at home she would have called the vet by now. At least a responsible pet owner would have done that. I don’t know the legal situation where you live but in Germany, she would be legally obligated to pay you back.” dovahshy13
14. AITJ For Assuming My Brother To Be Invited To My Husband's Birthday Dinner?
“For the past 10 years, my family (siblings and parents) and I have lived a 25+ drive (or a 4-hour flight) away from each other. My family and I are close despite the distance. My husband likes my family and they like him. My husband strongly dislikes his birthday.
My husband (M38) and I (F35 )have been together for 17 years and married for 5, so he’s known my family for nearly two decades now.
Where I live, because of the health crisis, visits were really not possible for very close to 2 full years. Restrictions finally lessened recently and so one at a time, my family has been coming to visit us and our new baby.
My youngest brother (M31) flew to town to visit for just over a week. He stayed in a hotel the entire visit except during the day when he came to spend time with us.
He helped with cleaning, groceries, entertaining his niece, etc. This visit happened to fall the same week as my husband’s birthday.
At the beginning of the visit, the three of us sat around the table talking about what I would be making for the birthday dinner and how the dinner would have to fall on the weekend because of my husband’s work. Naturally, I assumed this meant my brother was invited to dinner.
The day before the dinner, I purchased all of the food. I was explaining to my husband that I bought less meat than normal because I knew my brother probably wouldn’t finish an entire plate. My husband lost it. He said it was his birthday and his birthday dinner and why would I assume he wanted him there or assume he would be invited at all.
I was completely taken aback by this reaction. My brother is never here for any special occasions but is in town for this one so why would he not be included.
I reminded him about the food conversation from earlier in the week and how my brother was present. My husband said that just because he was there for that conversation didn’t mean assuming he was invited. It’s his (husband’s) birthday and dinner, so I should have asked if he wanted someone else around.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here/NTJ depending on what you mean by ‘lost it’ and whether he calmed down to have a proper adult conversation afterward.
Assuming this was an out-of-the-blue thing, not his normal behavior, I just think you’re probably coming at this from crossed purposes.
He probably sees his birthday as a time where he gets a little bit of quality time with his partner (something that’s probably been understandably lacking with a new baby).
It would never have crossed his mind that your brother would be invited to that, and it would probably have come as a nasty surprise no matter how much he likes him.
Equally, you’re coming at it from the good host and family angle, and from that mindset why wouldn’t you invite your brother?
The short of it is, you probably need to have a chat about this.
You’re stressed, you’ve got a new baby, you’ve got to try to make time for each other where you can!” Cooky1993
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I would have thought that the guest list would be one of the first things that you would discuss when you were deciding what to do for his birthday.
If you had planned and he had wanted it to just be the two of you then I see why he wouldn’t want your brother there as a third party.
If you add a guest then you go from a nice meal with your wife to having to host. While not the most arduous task in the world is still a task even if you like the person.
You have to clean the house, you have to entertain them (I don’t believe you should stick guests in front of the TV, you have to talk to them or play board games), you can’t go to bed when you want because you can’t figure out how to give the subtle signal that the evening is over without being rude, etc.
That’s without the prospect that a guest might reduce the likelihood of intercourse.
Talking about an event is not an invitation. I’d tell my work colleagues what I’m planning to do on holiday they aren’t invited to go with me.
Both of you need to use your words and communicate what you want.” Shanstergoodheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What? Are you a mind reader? If he wasn’t invited, hubby should have uninvited him right there and then.
Because he is rude, and it wouldn’t have been much different than being such a butthead about it in the first place.
If he did not want anyone coming to dinner, he should not have discussed it with his BIL in the room! In fact, since he dislikes his birthday, he shouldn’t have expected any special treatment at all.
In our family, we are used to having the big deal with grandparents and aunts, uncles, whoever can make it.
Now that the grandparents are gone, we are a little more relaxed about the arrangements, but we always offer to host my kid’s birthdays, and my SIL’s too, since she lives close by. Everyone is expected to tell us if they don’t want a birthday to-do. ANd we do not take offense either. We just expect clear communication.
The sole exception is Christmas. My one son is a Christmas baby, so we always have a celebration for him, unless he is with in-laws out of state.
He doesn’t seem to mind!” Educational-Food9471
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – You have a new baby (stress). During a health crisis (stress), and you’ve been having a series of a one-by-one lineup of visitors (stress), this after NOT having visitors for d**n near 2 years (so… yeah stress).
Neither of you is communicating with each other very well. This may be a surprise to you, but a chorus line of in-laws may not be as pleasurable to your husband as it has been for you.
Even if visitors stay in a hotel, if they visit every day, your husband doesn’t get to have the same level of peace in his own home. He’s anticipating his birthday to be just the two of you because that’s how the last 2 or more birthdays have been. He has no reason to assume this birthday would be any different and was likely looking forward to at least some time alone in his own home enjoying a meal with his spouse without a guest around.
Your husband expected his birthday would be peaceful and guest free because he wanted to relax for his birthday. Because it’s HIS birthday. Not everyone wants a party or X number of guests. They would rather not have to be ‘On’.
Now we come to the discussion of the birthday dinner with 3 adults present. This is where you both screwed up. You don’t indicate who started the discussion about the birthday, but whoever brought it up (likely you, or your husband) screwed up just bringing it up around a third person (because I doubt your brother is the one running around remembering when your husband’s birthday even is).
Either you or your husband brought up an event that would be coming up during your brother’s visit, with your brother present for this conversation. But the two of you had not discussed the event together by yourselves first. Major screw up. You don’t do that. Because assumptions lead to wrong conclusions and hurt feelings. Discussing an event around a third party often does imply an invitation, which is why it needed to be discussed privately first, so both of you are on the same page of ‘we already have plans this day’ without excess detail if the three of you something comes up.” White_RavenZ
13. AITJ For Going Out When It Worries My Partner?
“I’m a freshman in college, and I joined a sorority. My significant other is a junior in college, and well, studies and plays video games. He used to go out a lot but doesn’t do as much anymore.
He isn’t in a fraternity or anything. He says that he trusts that I would never leave him over some guy in a fraternity. (No hate for fraternities, the majority of the guys I know are just gross so it’s a personal distaste, some are super down to earth and cool!), but this still bugs him, which bugs me, because he always gets so moody with me after a night out making me think he doesn’t trust me.
I don’t want him to worry about me doing something disloyal when I go out. No matter how intoxicated I am, I know my limits and I know my boundaries. I know part of this has to do with his insecurities because his ex was not the best person to be in a relationship with. He told me he’s working on his insecurities, but he still gets upset whenever I go out.
Should I stop? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes but it’s hard because I trust myself 100% that I would NEVER hurt him. I just wanted to know AITJ for not understanding why my significant other gets upset that I go out?”
Another User Comments:
“You do realize what he’s doing, right? He’s trying to control you and isolate you. If you stop going out you won’t socialize with anyone but him anymore.
He will become your whole world. But you are very young. College is supposed to be fun. Sitting there and watching your significant other play video games for hours every night isn’t fun. He’s being selfish. Don’t let him guilt you into not being with your friends. NTJ.” ComprehensiveBand586
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not your fault that he has insecurities and it shouldn’t be your problem.
Here is the thing with insecurities, yes it is hard to get over them but it is also a choice whether to ‘let it out’ on a partner or to ‘keep it in and work on yourself not blaming the partner, ’cause you know you’re having a problem and everything is fine.’
I am a massive overthinker and that leads me to be nearly constantly worried if everything is okay with my SO or if I upset them, they want to break up, I am not good enough, etc. But I have never let that out on them, I kept everything to myself ’cause I know that everything is fine and if there would be a problem they’d tell me.
I know I have a problem there.
‘He told me he’s working on his insecurities, but he still gets upset whenever I go out.’
He knows he has a problem, so why doesn’t he keep it to himself and work on himself without letting his insecurities and problems out on you?” Interesting_moojuice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner needs to realize you’re not his exit may be hard for him but what’s the alternative you don’t go out and have fun while In college?
If you can honestly say that you wouldn’t hurt him and mean it and he can’t believe you then that’s his problem although maybe be more sensitive than I am when you talk to him.” NeitherAlbatross9811
12. AITJ For Choosing A $1300 Bed?
“I’m 31F my brother is 27M.
Christmas of 2020 my brother gave me a note as a gift that said ‘IOU half of $ for you to get a new bed.’
Backstory – I have lower back spasm issues and while working from home my back has severely gotten worse. It’s gotten so bad that when I get up in the morning, I was having trouble standing up straight right away.
I had to do it slowly.
I purchased a sit-to-stand desk and maintain my gym schedule but for some reason, my back still was in a lot of pain.
My bed is over 30 years old, it’s a full-size bed and you can feel the lumps of the springs when you’re laying on it.
I found a sleep number bed (the cheapest they had) for $1300 – I wanted that one because you can adjust the firmness yourself to find what works best for you and I thought that would be perfect instead of trying out a ton of beds to see what would make my back feel better in the morning.
My brother laughed and said he wasn’t expecting me to choose a bed that’s so expensive and that he wants me to go to a store downtown (like a mom and pop place) to pick out a mattress there instead and he’d pay half, where they’re like 100-300 a mattress.
I’m not someone who buys expensive things. I work really hard and have just enough to pay my bills.
My brother still lives at home and makes a lot more than I do.
I don’t want to get some random mattress and not know if the firmness or softness will help my back or make it worse, that’s why I really wanted to get the sleep number.
I got mad and told him I’ll just buy it myself and put it on a credit card if he’s going to add new rules to his trashy IOU gift he gave me as a Christmas gift and he’s saying I’m being ridiculous.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. For the reasons already stated, and I’d also like to add… has anyone actually purchased a sleep number bed and SLEPT on it?
It’s basically an air mattress with a permanently attached pump that has small amounts of memory foam wrapped around the whole thing. If someone is in bed next to you, and they go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, your sleep number setting is rendered useless because the counter pressure from the other side of the bed is removed and you sink.
Noticeably.
The price point and value for what you actually get are ridiculous. The materials to make the bed probably cost $100-$150 and so of course it has a decade warranty, since the manufacturer can afford to replace the whole thing 8 times, but they only send out cheap replacement parts when they break down or the pump burns out, and still make a GREAT profit.
When the delivery people come to set it up, they literally unpack two small air mattresses, stuff them inside the outer memory foam wrapping, (this was for a queen-size mattress) attach an air pump, seal it all up, and then pump air into it. The air hoses are loosey-goosey under the bed and there’s a power cord and wires everywhere.
Not to mention that the pump kicks on throughout the night to keep the sleep number pressure the same, and in a quiet room, that crap is loud and disturbing.
The sleep number is a good idea in theory, but the reality of it leaves a LOT to be desired.
You’d do better to find a really good mattress for an adjustable bed (worry about getting the base later) that gives you an option to try the mattress out for 30 days and then decide if you need to go firmer or softer.
But I absolutely do not recommend sleep number beds.
Under any circumstances. Sorry for the novel, but to say I was disappointed with the amount it cost and the quality of the bed is an understatement. That bed was returned with a QUICKNESS.” scrappy8350
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A cheap bed is just that, a cheap bed. Sleep number beds are great for issues like yours. If he still wants to help you pay for a new mattress tell him to give you the dollar amount he is comfortable with for a Christmas gift and you’ll apply it towards your credit card payment.
If he gives you some moolah, fine, if not, fine. Move on and never speak of it again.” Loreo1964
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He gave an IOU gift, which he didn’t specify any limit on. And only intending to go for the absolute cheapest option, which likely won’t be suitable for fixing the issue. You expect him to drop $600+ on a bed that’s not even for him, instead of asking him to clarify a budget first and are now annoyed he’s not wanting to pay half.
Both of you need to sit down and talk about it (figure out what both of you see as a budget, then look at the options), or just forget the whole idea and move on.” -BananaLollipop-
I seriously doubt your brother intended to drop $650+ on you for Christmas, but he made a nice gesture. You should've told him the amount and let him contribute as much as he was comfortable giving you.
It is entirely possible he had no idea how much a mattress cost.
11. AITJ For Calling My Ex To Make Sure Our Kid Is Doing Homework?
“I am a single dad with 2 kids. I have Kylie (12) and Kaydence (8).
Kylie’s mom is not in the picture at all and has never been.
Kaydence goes to her mom’s house from Monday afternoon to Wednesday morning every week. The rest of the time she is with me.
I have a routine with my girls. Every day, right after school I make healthy snacks and we sit down together to do homework. I help them if they have any questions and they help each other, as well.
There are 3 reasons why we work on it right after school. Firstly, they are working on it while school is still fresh in their minds. Secondly, it’s so much easier to get done if there is a pattern and routine. Third, getting it done earlier gets it out of the way so they can relax and don’t have to stress about homework later.
I was checking my daughters’ grades and noticed that Kaydence’s math grade had been slipping.
It had gone from an A to a B to a C. I’m not the type of dad who is super strict about grades. I’m not going to be upset with my kid as long as they are trying. The grade drop just concerned me because it was unlike Kaydence who has always been really good at math. If she is struggling with something I should know what it is so I can help her.
I called her teacher to see if there was something she was struggling with. She explained that Kaydence hasn’t been turning in Monday night’s homework or Tuesday night’s homework.
I asked Kaydence why she hadn’t been doing her homework at her mom’s house. She said that her mom doesn’t care if she gets her homework done or not so she doesn’t do it. I asked her to please do her homework.
Even though her mom doesn’t care it’s still important that it gets done.
Last Monday I called my ex and asked her if Kaydence had done her homework. She said that in her house Kaydence has the choice of whether or not she wants to do homework. She also said that she doesn’t believe in homework because all school work should be done in school.
I told her that I agreed but if Kaydence keeps skipping homework her grade is going to continue to get worse. She told me not to comment on her parenting choices and that I have no say on anything concerning our child on her days.
Tuesday night, I called my ex again and asked to speak to my daughter. I just gave Kaydence a reminder to get her homework done.
Like five minutes later my ex calls me back screaming at me. She said ‘you have no right trying to parent her while she is at my house. You are majorly overstepping your boundaries even after I told you how I felt’.
I understand that it’s her day but I am concerned about my child. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a question for clarification: does she understand the math?
Is her grade dropping because she no longer understands the math because she’s not consolidating the lessons with homework? Or is the grade dropping because the teacher is using homework completions as part of her grade? Either way, I would say (as a teacher myself) to have a conversation with her teacher. If it’s a lack of consolidation ask for ideas of how you can help with that when you have her/can she get extra help at school etc?
If it’s homework-completion-as-a-grade: maybe ask if there can be accommodation because of the situation, or (depending on your jurisdiction) ask why- most education is moving away from make-work grades (ie focusing on comprehension as opposed to focusing on finishing a task just to say they’ve done it). If her comprehension and ability to do the math aren’t changing, I would question why her grade has dropped so much just because homework is not being completed. She’s 8: at that age, homework shouldn’t make that much of a difference as long as she is doing her school work while she’s at school.” juninbee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You do not get to control what happens in your ex’s house unless it is causing a genuine safety or health risk. Some people are very anti-homework, as it’s been shown to be counterproductive, and you don’t get to harass your ex into doing it on your timetable. If it’s that big an issue, fix it on YOUR time. Talk to the teacher and ask if you can have Monday and Tuesday homework turned in Thursday.
Or ask for extra credit assignments they can turn in weekly. Then you can force your kids to sit down and waste their free evening time doing multiple choice all you want. Whether that’s ‘useful’ for your child… I guess that remains to be seen.” Magus_Corgo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I own a math tutoring center and can tell you for a fact that trouble in math now can lead to years of frustration and affect her self-esteem.
I’m not saying that this has anything to do with her not doing homework. That would require an in-depth dive into teachers grading percentages and your daughter’s aptitude. However, getting on top of numerical fluency now, followed by multiplication fact fluency can go a long way toward saving her from a lot of frustration and heartache down the road. By 4th grade, they will be doing fractions which rely heavily on multiplication understanding (and I’m big on understanding over memorization, though memorization doesn’t hurt).
Any kid who struggles with infractions will struggle in algebra. Math builds. You can memorize certain historical facts and forget them and it may not significantly hurt the quality of your life but math isn’t like that. It’s foundational. Having said all that, you can make homework bearable and skill learning fun at this age. Make up games with a deck of cards or roll some dice and get her comfortable with adding and subtracting minus her fingers, then do the same with multiplication.
It would be nice if you can do this daily (even at just 15 minutes a day) but even if you can only do it on the days you are in charge she will benefit greatly and if you do it as a game she will learn to enjoy it and will probably enjoy tackling the homework as it gets easier and her skills rise. The good news is that you are on this early and elementary school grades won’t haunt her if she has the understanding necessary.
Good luck!” oceanlover11
10. AITJ For Reacting When Someone Expressed Their Disgust With Breastfeeding?
“Essentially I and a group of friends were sitting around waiting for our trains and talking about nothing or other. We got onto the topic of kids – I have a son, and most of the others have kids too.
One of the girls stated that she was all for these new parenting gigs, but breastfeeding the past six months is just weird. A friend asked why, the girl said it seemed like it was for the parent rather than the baby, because the formula does the same thing. So, obviously, more parents should choose formula.
It devolved into a minor argument, which I for the most part wasn’t a part of.
I was annoyed and I don’t do well when I am. My train was only a few minutes out when someone else spoke up and stated that extended breastfeeding gave them the ick.
I said, ‘Oh, you’d never want to meet my family, then.’ After a few looks, I said, ‘The longer they’re on the breast the better. I breastfed past seven, it’s usually at least four years.’
My train arrived. My friend and I made our escape. It was perfectly timed and I’m rather proud of it.
She found the situation hilarious – we had our sons a day apart, and are very much raising them with the same ideals (extended nursing being one). She’s more like my sister, honestly.
Anyway, we got off, picked the boys up, went on with our day.
I got a private message from someone in the group, calling me a jerk for making the conversation weird. I replied that they had already made it weird by thinking they got to have an opinion on how others fed their kids.
Spent the rest of the day with my son, the usual.
When I unlocked my phone again, I’d received an array of messages.
A couple of apologies, which I accepted. But most people called me an awful person.
I laughed it off at first – if you feel the need to share your opinion, be prepared to hear opposing ones.
But, after a while, I realized I had only said it for the shock factor, to make them annoyed too, I guess? Which, to me, is a jerk move.
I could of easily just left it.
My friend is insisting I did nothing wrong and they deserved the shock, but I’m still unsure. I have apologized to those who apologized to me, but I haven’t to the rest, yet.
So, AITJ?
Eta; My son is three. Not seven. I was seven when I weaned off the breast. I will be letting him naturally wean, as my parents did with us.
It’s not damaging, we’re all fine. I promise.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Sorry, not sorry. Endorsing 7-year-olds still breastfeeding just isn’t emotionally/socially/sensually developmentally healthy. Kiddo doesn’t need to go to school and then come home and latch onto mommy’s breasts. Yes, breasts are for feeding babies. They are also body parts. Just like a woman’s reproductive organ is for birth and also intercourse.
There’s an appropriate time and a place for each. A seven-year-old no longer needs milk or milk calories. The benefits are far outweighed by the lack of physical and social Boundaries being taught to their child. And for those who just really want their kids to stay on the liquid gold (which I don’t see the point of at 5/6/7 but whatever), you can pump and put it in the fridge just like any other ‘milk’.
These women were obviously just looking to get a rise out of women who breastfeed and be jerks. Babies and toddlers still need milk as a heavy part of their diet and breast milk has quite a few things formula just doesn’t have. So if a kid is getting breast milk for his nursing career it is getting a greater benefit than a kid whose receiving formula.
Fed is best regardless of its formula or breast. But IF the only factor is convenience (aka the mom has no emotional or physical problem with breastfeeding and is happy to do it/the kid can digest the breast milk and get adequate supply) breast milk provides more.” JustMissKacey
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re right that nobody has any right to speak on how people feed their kids.
What works for some doesn’t work for others. But if you think you’re advocating for breastfeeding just to throw in the shock factor of extended breastfeeding, you’re not. Your entire approach is why this is still a fight rather than a discussion. You didn’t explain why you believed it beneficial. You educated nobody. Nothing was accomplished by what you did. Stop being offended by people’s opinions and when you hear them instead take that opportunity to educate with experience humbleness.
Answer questions without getting offended… Remember that you aren’t likely to change their mind, but you possibly change their perspective and get them thinking. At a certain age, breastfeeding goes from food to being comforting and bond-building. It isn’t for everyone and that’s ok. And no I didn’t do extended breastfeeding. But someone who did had this conversation with me and they didn’t change my mind.
They changed my perspective…” Aware_Voice_6043
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You wanted to get a dig on your friends, your friends were being combative. It wasn’t a conversation, it was a hostile debate. You wanted to get a reaction out of them because breastfeeding a 7-year-old is not normal in the US and you KNEW people would be weirded out by it.
You essentially took a debate and cranked the knob to 10 to amuse yourself. My husband went to school with a kid who was breastfed until he was almost 12. Some of his friends found out, told the whole school. He was tortured daily by the other kids until he dropped out of school and went to NC with his parents. That is obviously the most extreme of situations, but doing something that is not the mainstream has social consequences.
Do I agree with that? No, not really. Your breasts, your kids, I don’t give a darn how you feed them.” Revolutionary_Skin94
9. WIBTJ If I Fired Someone With Cancer?
“I (36f) have a small business. Our business both requires a lot of thought and diligence and deals with safeguarding children so the quality of work is very important. I have 3 employees – Tisha 37f, Jane 35f, and Eloise 26f.
Originally just Tisha and Jane worked for me.
Then Tisha got very sick and we found out she had cancer. She wanted to keep working and we accommodated her as best we could. She missed several months in a row and I paid her in full for all of it. All of this was fine until 2020 came and less income was coming in. I asked her to look into disability and she got very upset.
I felt bad she got upset and kept paying her for a couple more months, but she did not return to work in those two months in between. I finally called her and said I would pay her the maximum she could make and still apply for disability (about half her salary) after paying her for one more month at her full rate and then she needed to apply for disability.
She didn’t work for 6 more months after that (drawing half salary per our agreement the whole time). We hired Eloise in the meantime because we were drowning and I needed help. I kept checking in with Tisha who never mentioned wanting to come back to work at that time. When I hired Eloise, she asked to come back a couple of times a week.
We welcomed her back. She made the same amount (well commenting behind my back that she didn’t want to ‘work for anything) until she got passed a certain amount and then I started paying her hourly for what she worked above that. After all of that, she ended up getting a raise.
The problem is since Tisha’s been back she’s been very rude to all of us most days, particularly Eloise.
She makes comments behind my back about how I’m Scrooge McDuck and she’s trying. If something goes wrong she won’t accept any blame. If we have a problem with something and I say we need to change the system, she takes it personally. In the last 2 months, her work has gotten worse and she only wants to do a couple of tasks (then complains she doesn’t get to do more interesting things).
She can’t handle the work anymore and her toxic attitude is making work a nightmare.
WIBTJ if I let her go? I know it’s not her fault, but I’ve tried confronting her and it just gets ugly. I know she has a terrible disease, but I’m tired of bending over backward for someone who’s so hateful toward me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – (HR person here) You’ve tried to work with her, yet you are a small business – you don’t have the same safeguards/regulations in play for a long-term disability that a big business does. I would assume you’ve gotten doctor’s notes, etc., to ensure she is still in treatment, she’s provided documentation along the way of work restrictions, returns to work, and the like…
So first double-check with whoever you use as legal counsel, check labor laws, etc. for your location. As mentioned, being small, (if in the US) you are not required to offer/provide (federal laws) what a larger employer offers. Have a lawyer help you with either a termination letter or a 2 or 3 strikes plan -doesn’t come in, doesn’t produce… Yes, you can write her up for negativity in the workplace if she is demeaning you and the company to other workers causing a ‘hostile’ work environment.
Better to do this with legal assistance to ensure you don’t open yourself up for any legal action as, on paper, it may not look great due to her illness if she takes it to social media or otherwise – and you won’t be able to fight back with how much you’ve tried to work with her as that info can’t be disclosed.
Honestly, a bigger problem here is if you cannot have a conversation with her without it getting ugly – you have either created an atmosphere of everybody being your buddy, or you are intimidated by her – sorry, but not the way to run a business and you might want to look into some kind of ad-hock HR service for help and guidance.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – all types of cancer are different and can affect people differently and the treatments certainly can kick your butt but if you’re so sick you can’t work (which can happen) you have to find other means. You bent over backward and probably did a lot more for her than a big company would have but it has come to a point where it’s not about cancer, it’s about the quality of work and her attitude.
In my personal experience, my mom had it about 10/11 years ago and she got lucky, it was not terminal. It was 6 chemo sessions over 5/6 months and then it was gone. She usually took the day after chemo off to rest, especially for the last few sessions, they really knocked her out, but she wasn’t out for months at a time.
Another personal experience is with a previous co-worker (my mom still works with her from time to time).
She is terminal and will spend the rest of her life doing periodic chemo treatments (maybe once a month, I don’t know her exact situation), but she takes the occasional day off for her treatments and then comes back to work. She is not miserable at all to be around, in fact, she’s probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.
Yes, everyone’s situation with a terminal illness is different, and it probably always sucks to go through but there are plenty of people who live with cancer in their daily lives and still try their best not to make everyone around them miserable. It would be one thing if you could see her really trying and just being exhausted, in that case, cut her some slack.
But it sounds like she just doesn’t want to work and make the person who was hired to help fill in the work while she was gone miserable. It’s not about the illness anymore, it’s about her performance as an employee.” bunnyangel416
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Did she fill out any paperwork at all regarding her attendance and her medical conditions? Or give doctors notes?
I completely agree that an employment lawyer needs to be talked to and the fact that everything needs to be documented seeing as ‘if it wasn’t written down it didn’t happen.’ Without physical evidence that you have had multiple discussions with her about her attitude, it could potentially cause issues later.
I do believe though that you should really choose your words carefully when talking to her about her performance.
Not because I think you’ve said something insensitive or anything like that but simply to cover all of your bases. While most places have ‘at-will’ firing policies where you don’t need to give a reason behind the termination you should definitely make sure that you are still choosing the correct verbiage.
Letting an employee go for attendance issues is perfectly acceptable but document it.
The last thing that you would want is for this employee to believe that you fired her due to her medical issues and then try to sue you when you have been more than understanding and accommodating. And if you do talk to her about said attendance issues or the performance issues say something that sounds more like, ‘we have noticed that there is an issue with performance or completion of your required job duties’ as it could be less likely to be used against you if things went south.” Allybug_167
8. AITJ For Flying Across The Country When My Mom Needs My Help?
“My mom (very very) recently decided to start her own business. She signed the lease on the 8th of January and is expecting the opening day to be February 1st. She wants a COMPLETE remodel, everything from a fresh coat of paint and new furniture to having to rewire the electricity. All in less than a month. Don’t get me wrong, she is very good at what she does but she is an immigrant so her English is not amazing and she just doesn’t understand how things in America work sometimes.
Obviously, she is my mom so I love to help her and see her become successful after coming to America with nothing, but everyone in my family can agree she makes things 100 times more stressful than they need to be.
She has been putting all of the stress on me (18f) and my brother (19m) expecting us to do all the legal paperwork, a lot of the renovations, and general prep.
Again, we LOVE to help our parents but expecting us to basically open this business alone in less than a month while we have our own worries like college, work, and a ton of personal stuff is not fair in my opinion.
After a ton of stress and arguments, I booked a flight across the country to visit some family and friends without really thinking about it.
I’m leaving in a couple of days so I won’t be there for opening day. My mom won’t even look at me and told me I’m selfish, lazy, and ungrateful. The more I think about it, the more I regret booking the flight but I was so stressed out I couldn’t sleep for two days straight and booked it without thinking about how she would feel.
She has a ton of people helping her and at this point, I don’t think my help is necessary. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re sort of the jerk. The issue isn’t, are you her dependent, or are you paying for your own cross-country flight. You are basically fleeing to escape the stress and, by doing so, you’ve conveyed the feeling that you don’t care about something that’s very important to her and that might help her better provide for you and your brother.
A family whose members have each others’ backs always do better than a family whose members work against each other.” SuziQster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s really kind of you to help out, and it’s not necessarily wrong for your mother to lean on family for some support, but if she’s about to start running a business, she needs to be able to do that without her children constantly present to pick up the slack.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, your mom is putting too much stress on you expecting that you help with such a complete big renovation and set up a business in a month with so few people. Especially since you and your brother are students and have a lot of life things. However, you shouldn’t have gone out of town at this at such a big time for your mom.
It would have been better if you took a break from everything or gone out of town for a few days and then come back to help.” DemonicCM
7. AITJ For Banning My Father-In-Law From My House?
“When I began going out with my husband, my MIL and FIL were married but it was a train wreck. He was sneaking around with multiple women. She was miserable and tried taking it out on me.
They had a family friend ‘Brad’ who was always around. FIL claimed that MIL and Brad hated each other (because they used to fight a lot in their 20s) but it was super clear they did not hate each other at the moment.
My BFF ‘Emily’ met Brad through me and he had been looking for a new assistant and she’d been looking for a job.
He hired her and Emily loved it. She made some mistakes and ended up not finishing college, so this job paid a lot better than most of the jobs that were available to her and she met a lot of cool, and interesting people through him and always joked that she was husband-hunting.
At one point everyone (my husband and Brad’s kids) began getting suspicious that they were going out.
It bothered my husband that MIL wouldn’t tell him anything about her life. They went from being best friends to her hardly talking to him all because he set some boundaries about how she treated me.
Emily confirmed to me that Brad had a picture of MIL as his phone background and that Emily had been tasked with sending her flowers and a gift on her birthday.
Brad’s kids confronted him and he denied it. He said he had a picture of her because she’s the only person who makes him happy (a great thing to say to your kids) and he sent her the flowers because he knew birthdays were hard with her marriage falling apart. Note MIL and FIL were in the process of divorcing and infidelity could have probably cost her a lot.
MIL threw a fit and said Emily was spying and demanded he fire her. Brad berated her to tears and then fired her and Emily was devastated. She cried for days.
Well, that was about 5 years ago. I’m married with a toddler and another on the way. MIL and Brad are married. MIL and her son aren’t close at all. She will do a token appearance on birthdays or big events, but their relationship is pretty messed up.
Emily has been struggling a bit with depression and told me that seeing Brad and MIL is very triggering and she feels that MIL is always smirking at her. She recently called off her wedding and is in a bad place and Brad made a joke about how if she still worked for him she might have married rich already, called her a gold digger, and Brad’s daughter screamed at him to get out, so he and MIL left and Emily cried.
I decided that Brad is banned unless he gives a sincere apology and asks Emily to forgive him for firing her for telling the truth and for what he said, and MIL cannot smirk anymore. He said no so he is banned and MIL won’t come without him. This means my husband will pretty much never see her again because she never invites us to her house.
I would rather have my BFF who is like a sister at my kid’s birthdays, etc.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Emily needs to get control of herself, if this was 5 years ago, there are zero reasons for losing a job that long ago should still be upsetting her. To call off her wedding is so dramatic. Clearly, your mil and Brad had reasons as to why they kept their relationship a secret.
You said so yourself that the fil was being unfaithful while they were married (mil had every right to divorce and find happiness with Brad) and you also said that it would cost her more if she was found to have been in a relationship during the divorce and considering the fil was lying that’s not fair for the mil. She had to go through a lot to be happy, and it was awful of Emily to run her mouth about a situation she knew would possibly get her fired. (You can’t expect to put your boss’s business out in the open, knowing it will cause issues, then expect to keep your job.)
Emily backstabbed her boss who is now married to your mil, Emily is not required to be at family events but your mil and her husband are so Emily is the removable party. She isn’t a forever family member, your mil and brad are. You are putting your over-sensitive and dramatic friend’s feelings above your family’s when she’s the one that messed up.” Ladyposh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is Emily.
Your MIL and FIL were already divorcing and Emily used her position at work to spy on her boss and report back to his DIL who has boundary issues.
It doesn’t seem like Emily caught anyone in an affair, she was just a snoop who wanted drama and was shocked she got it.
I don’t know why Emily wouldn’t think she would be fired and she honestly owes you MIL and Brad an apology.
That Emily would call off her wedding because Brad made a comment 5 years later seems like she has some deep-seated issues and you are punishing your husband and keeping him from his mom because Emily doesn’t understand the consequences of her actions.
I can see the conflict between Brad and your MIL getting together but it’s not an affair if they were already separated, your FIL was a chronic liar so honestly, it’s not like he deserves better and spying on your boss to cause drama in his personal life will pretty much get her fired anywhere.
Sounds like the ‘mistakes’ that ruined Emily’s college experience are still being made.” RestInPeaceLater
Another User Comments:
“Literally everyone sucks here (except maybe Brad’s daughter). OP, Emily, Brad, MIL, FIL, OP’s husband, and his siblings. MIL knew her risk of losing funds in the divorce by having an affair – she’s an adult and her children had no place to police her relationships; also, if she started going out with Brad after she separated from her husband, not even sure if that would have had an impact of the divorce proceedings and also would not really have been lying, so maybe MIL is not a jerk here.
Emily broke the confidence of her boss and passed on information to OP that gained strictly through her employment, and OP passed on that information. Sure, Brad was a jerk to Emily in their last meeting, but I wouldn’t say it was completely unwarranted, and asking him to apologize for firing her when she basically was acting as OP’s spy is behind the pale.
If OP thinks anybody except for Emily is responsible for her getting fired, she is delusional.” leolionbag
6. AITJ For Wanting To Study Instead Of Welcoming My Dad?
“I’m an MYP (Pre-IB, or International baccalaureate) student and since last week I’ve been insanely swamped with work. At the beginning of last week, I promised myself that I’d forget about all school on Friday and go back to work the next day. Anyways, it was Saturday and then my dad (who lives separately from us but very close, it’s complicated) announced to me that we were all going to go out to celebrate his release from isolation, as he had been there for 10 days.
I asked if I could stay home to study, but he insisted I come and said that we could do it Monday after-school instead, which I knew wasn’t suitable for me. I asked him if we could do it next Saturday, which I knew was very far from today but I really did not want to give up 3 hours of study time, as he wanted to go to a restaurant a little far away.
To give a little more context, my school ends at 3, and I immediately head to the gym and come back around 5, and after showering and dinner and all that, its 6, which means I have 2-3 hours of time to work on school stuff and another hour for coding stuff. If you know what the IB is, you’ll know that this is an okay amount of time to get stuff done, but it’s not optimal, especially if you are at those weeks where 4 different projects are due.
My dad told me that I should make my schedule a little more flexible and if I have time to go to the gym and go out on Fridays, I should make time on Monday to go out with the family. I have nothing against going out and celebrating, I actually want to, but this is just not one of those weeks, as we’re nearing the end of the semester.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I was an IB student and have some perspective here. Life is about balancing schoolwork, family, and friends. This is the time to learn this skill because it only becomes more important later in life. It sounds like your father tried to work out a compromise with you about when to go out and you shut it down at every turn.
Frankly, if you can’t handle three extra hours away from studying as a pre-IB student, you may want to reconsider IB altogether. The final two years are much more challenging, especially the penultimate year.” cwbakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I was an IB Candidate and those courses are NO joke! Luckily, my family understood my schoolwork came first (although, they were shocked at my ‘study calendar’).
Everything is scheduled and studying.
That being said. There is a difference between celebrating a birthday and celebrating the end of being in isolation. It’s obvious you have exams coming up and your father isn’t keeping that in mind. You might have to compromise A LOT with him. It’s great your father wants to spend time with you, but it needs to be during a time in which both of you have the time to do so.” aquavenatus
Another User Comments:
“You are the jerk.
If you are so busy with your work why are you posting and wasting your time? Also, he was in quarantine so he wanted to celebrate the end of it as he couldn’t enjoy it during the quarantine period.” User
5. AITJ For Walking Out Of My Mother's Wedding Reception?
“My mom’s husband and most of his brothers and friends went to the same University. The University’s team had a football game during the reception on Friday and there was a tv in the reception hall. It wasn’t planned for it to be used, it just happened to be in the reception hall that we rented.
After the first dance between the bride and groom, one of the groom’s 5 brothers, friends, or possibly nephews turned on the TV.
The next thing I knew, the groomsmen and seemingly all of the men in my now stepfather’s family were glued to the TV. The bulk of the crowd was probably the groom’s nephews or partners of his nieces. I tried to relax and enjoy the party, chatted with my relatives who live out of state for a bit, but then they started hooting and hollering to the point that that’s what the focus of the party clearly was.
Just a bunch of men in tuxes, along with a few women, standing in front of a television cheering. At one point a ‘Team name! Team name!’ chant even started before one of the groomsmen pulled the plug on that. They kept watching though.
I got pretty mad and asked my mom if she wanted me to turn off the TV. She pretended to be nonchalant and said, no, no, it’s fine.
I know her well though. She gets nervous in front of people, especially if she feels like she’s in charge of entertaining people, and would always lie and say she doesn’t care. I went back to my car fuming and went home. My mom asked where I was about an hour later and I said I was back at the house because I was tired. Now it’s two days later and she says that I made her sad by leaving.
I brought up those guys and she said, guys, are just like that. She was raised in the 1950s and has zero expectations from men.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – regardless of what you felt, this was your mom’s wedding and reception. She told you it was okay and while you were justifiably angry, you instead took your anger out on her by leaving.
Knowing she probably really didn’t want the TV on, you could have stayed and tried to ensure that your mom had a fun time with the remaining guests. You could have also gone to your step-dad and told him this was ruining the reception. Instead, you left, making the reception much more depressing for your mom. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Anyway, nothing you can do about it now.” 1164MorningGloryCl
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Though I think you need to be honest with yourself that it’s not your mom’s feelings that the men hurt, it was your feelings that were hurt. She was willing to put up with it, and you weren’t – it’s that simple. By saying you were trying to relax and enjoy it, you clearly were disturbed by their behavior yourself.
I think if you admit to your mom that maybe they made you anxious or you felt like you couldn’t be in a place where people were being disrespectful, it would go over better. You should apologize for pressuring her to shut them down during the reception – if you know her personality that well, you know she would not have said yes. It was her day and her reception, and she wanted you there.
However, you have no obligation to stay at a social event you don’t enjoy. Maybe you can have a private dinner with her where you can properly congratulate her and reaffirm how much you love her. You don’t have to agree about what behavior is acceptable or not (I would have been upset with those guys too), but you do have to respect what she wanted on her day, and she has to respect that you can’t put up with everything she can.” cloudcottage
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you abandoned your mum because you didn’t like the way some of the guests were acting, you could have quietly brought it to the groom’s attention how disrespectful they were being to your mum, or you could’ve just stayed quiet and supported your mum, but instead you decided to be your own brand of disrespectful.” randomusername71175
4. AITJ For Wanting To Change Dinner Plans?
“My (25f) partner (32m) recently invited one of his friends J to move in with us while J was having a rough time.
I have social anxiety so I’m pretty used to being left out of plans but it really does sting every time I hear my friends or family talk about all the stuff they didn’t even bother inviting me to.
So when J and his latest girl suggested a double date, I wasn’t 100% comfortable but my partner accepted on our behalf. Then they tell me they want to go to this hipster pop-up place where you can’t book and sometimes queues can be longer than an hour.
I said I didn’t want to go somewhere so crowded, so my partner nodded and said ok. (I thought this meant we might go somewhere else.)
He tells me that evening that he’s sorry I won’t come but he’s going to go out with them and he’s bought me a microwave meal. I was too upset to go anywhere after that.
Later when he came back, he explained that he was tired of always accommodating me and he didn’t think I would mind so much since I didn’t want to go anyway.
I tried explaining how embarrassing it was having the three of them come in laughing when I’ve been sitting alone and how it’s hurtful that I get left out when there are options I would have been more comfortable with.
The problem with crippling self-esteem issues is I can never tell the difference between being assertive and being a jerk. Is it really too much to ask? Was I actually too demanding? So yeah, AITJ?
Edit: Anxiety not a ‘just go and sit uncomfortably for a little bit while your partner enjoys himself’ kind of scenario. It’s a full-blown, crying in the bathroom unable to move because if you do doom will inexplicably just happen kind of thing.
It’s no fun for me or my loved ones which is why they stopped inviting me, not because I was a jerk to them.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
So to sum it up. You are miserable when you’re invited to things, you are presumably miserable if you do attend, you are miserable when you aren’t invited to things. You are miserable about people having fun without you… but also make it very clear that you wouldn’t have fun if you were there.
And your only solution to all is this misery is that everyone else should change their plans and change themselves. That they should stop doing things that are fun for them, and start doing things that are fun for you.
When do you make plans? When do you invite people out to things that you are comfortable with? Or do you just wait around until you’re invited and then mope about the invite not being tailored to your specific needs?
‘He’s tired of always accommodating me’
Sounds like you do this repeatedly and have an issue with him having fun when you refuse to. God, what an exhausting life.” Meatkingofchicago
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, though it sounds like your expectations are unrealistic.
You can’t shoot down an idea (or ideas) and expect someone else to come up with another. It’s unreasonable to put the planning on someone else when you are the one asking for accommodation.
You can’t repeatedly decline invitations and expect to still be invited. No matter how you look at it, you are rejecting the person who does the inviting, and repeatedly rejecting someone means no more invitations—unless they are an actual stalker, and no one wants a stalker.
You are an adult, so expecting someone else to suggest a change of plans to other people on your behalf is immature.
You can propose a new option on your own. But if all parties aren’t amenable to a change, it’s rude to bail.
AND if people want to go to a particular place, you don’t get to be upset if they would rather go there without you than change plans.
If you want to be able to accept invitations to go out and actually enjoy yourself, work with your therapist and doctor to find techniques that work for you to ease your anxiety.
It may not be the first thing(s) you try, but genuinely try them out and practice them regularly to see improvement. If they still don’t work for you, then work with your therapist to help you get to a place where you can ignore the FOMO and be comfortable with not being invited to go out.” houseofgwyn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you continue to load your problems onto your partner in the way you describe here…
It sounds like the friend and date are the ones who made the plans / picked the venue they specifically wanted to check out and then invited you guys along if you wanted to join. You can’t expect them to change the venue just because you don’t fancy coming, and you certainly can’t expect them to automatically think about doing that when you haven’t even asked or suggested an alternative venue or expressed an interest in joining them (even before you knew the venue it sounds like you weren’t particularly keen).
You avoid doing things with people and then you get FOMO. This is totally understandable – social anxiety sucks. But that is an issue you have to deal with, in whatever way you decide to deal with it – it isn’t ok to try to drag your partner down, blame him for how you’re feeling, expect him to persuade his friend to change plans, feel wounded when he doesn’t… You’re trying to turn him into a jerk in your narrative, and that’s what makes you the jerk.” Short-Ad-9388
Another User Comments:
“There’s a saying: If you meet a jerk in the morning, you met a jerk. If you meet them all day, you’re the jerk.
The same mentality can be applied to another situation. You mentioned that not just your partner has stopped inviting you or accommodating you, but all of your friends and family. This indicates that it is hard to find a compromise with you, and what’s a compromise for you often ruins the mood for them.
Which, naturally, would mean that they would just avoid having those experiences ruined for them, by doing something else that YOU plan (which a lot of people with social anxiety don’t remember to do, they just expect everyone else to come up with the plans that work for them, be proactive).
But people are not obligated to compromise on every experience, not every colorful experience in life needs to be muted for them so that you feel comfortable.
Part of dealing with such severe anxiety is knowing when you can’t go out, and knowing that other people can’t live their lives around your anxiety. It was rude of your partner to accept on your behalf and then not to find a compromise. But in other situations, when he is not accepting on your behalf, you need to deal with it because you can’t limit everyone else because of your anxiety.
Everyone sucks here.” ppl_n_r_neighborhood
3. AITJ For Changing My Family's Diet To Help Me Lose Weight?
“I (40f) am trying to lose weight. This has been a struggle and I might even have a food addiction. I am planning to address my food issues with therapy. However, my family isn’t supportive. I have certain foods that trigger me.
For example, chocolate chip cookies. If they are in the house I will have a taste. A dietician suggested replacing the junk foods with healthy options which is fine for me. If I don’t see the junk foods, I will just snack on the healthy options. My family refuses to get rid of junk food. They think that I should just not eat it.
It’s not that simple and if I was a heavy drinker I know they would not have booze at home because it would be a trigger to drink. AITJ for expecting my family to support me through this weight loss journey by not keeping junk food in our home?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If this is your problem, then it is your responsibility as a parent and adult in the household to hold yourself accountable.
When my Dad was diagnosed as obese with severe Type 2 Diabetes when I was a kid and had to change his diet, he did the work to conquer his food addiction without making it our responsibility as his kids. He didn’t make us follow his strict diet or do his exercises. But his dedication absolutely inspired us all to grow into healthy adults.
I think there needs to be a compromise of some kind.
Like they can keep off-limit foods for you in their own rooms so you don’t see them. Or you can give them each a locked cabinet in the kitchen or pantry where they can lock up the off-limit foods but can still access them.
Also, that argument about drinking addiction is kinda infuriating. 101 of recovery: It is the addict’s responsibility to manage their addiction, not everyone else around them.” Throwaway9753134680
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Food addiction is real, and while I don’t condone policing if your family eats certain foods, I do believe it’s harmful to ignore the very real struggle of disordered eating, which your family is asking of you.
My first thought is to speak with a therapist, not your dietician about your concerns with your eating habits. Binge eating can be a coping mechanism, maybe one that no longer serves us.
Mental health, trauma, and eating habits are very often linked, it’s something worth looking into.
Secondly, maybe you could suggest an alternative location for the chocolate chip cookies and anything else you tend to binge. Out of sight really does mean out of mind for most people. Maybe your family can buy those foods, but you don’t necessarily have to pick them up from the grocery store for them.
Idk. Compromise is probably best, but don’t compromise taking care of yourself. Not in the interest of losing weight, but in the interest of genuinely understanding why it’s difficult not to binge.” AaliyahUncensored
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are the one on a diet, not your family. It is rude to expect everyone to change their eating habits because you have a food addiction and/or no self-control.
There are other options rather than banning junk food from the house. Buy a lock and lock the food away, give the key to your husband and kids, the only way you would get the snacks would be to steal the key or break the lock, in which case banning junk from the house won’t work.” UnluckyDreamer1
2. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Fiancé For Accidentally Bleaching A New Sweater?
“My fiancé does not work, to be honest, we don’t need her to. I work in the USA and we live in Mexico, I cross the border daily, leaving my house at 7 am and getting home around 7:30 pm 5 days a week. She was working for her mom until March 2021 but she asked if she could quit due to her mother’s attitude, that story is a whole different post.
When she asked if she could quit her promises were; to clean the house, have laundry done, dinner, and my lunches made for work. On my days off I help with laundry, do the dishes every night, and take the trash out as needed. Also in the mornings, I clean any mess our dogs make.
On to the issue, this morning when I left for work, I asked my fiancée to please do some laundry since I needed a specific outfit for work on Saturday, by specific I mean my uniform shirts.
She did do that and she did do more loads of laundry. Tonight while getting my clothes ready for work I asked her if she knew where my brand new sweater was, the one she gave me as a Christmas gift and only wore 3 times, because I wanted to wear it tomorrow. She answered in the washer so I went to put it in the dryer when I noticed that there were bleach stains on one sleeve.
She claims it was an accident and had an ‘it is what it is’ attitude. While I was [am] genuinely annoyed about it, because like I said, it was a gift I literally wore 3 times.
I feel like I might be the jerk for getting annoyed because lets be honest I’m lucky to get my clothes washed for me whenever I ask. However she’s not working, I give her spending coins every 2 weeks, I’m paying for 90% of our wedding in November, and honestly, she didn’t even wash whites that could have explained the bleach.
We’re not fighting over this, I’m just annoyed and wanted to know if I’m justified or if I’m a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – feelings are what they are. You getting annoyed that a sweater you’ve barely worn is ruined is perfectly reasonable, just don’t make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.
She claims it was an accident and had an ‘it is what it is’ attitude.
Healthy attitude to have in this circumstance.” Zagriel55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like it was an accident, but it’s okay to be bothered by it, especially because it was a gift she gave you. She should have been more careful, but that kind of stuff happens. Should you talk to her about it? Eh. It’s one of those little things that could be a huge deal if you bring it up.
Maybe not. It’s already done and it can’t be fixed, but your feelings are valid.
Edit: I think she should apologize, but if she doesn’t, you can’t do anything without telling her she should. I feel that she should have been more careful with something she bought you, but it might be that she doesn’t mind as much simply because SHE bought it for you.” MrTanglesIII
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
‘She claims it was an accident.’
Are you suggesting it wasn’t? Unless you have an extraordinarily vindictive and deceitful fiancée, of course, it was an accident.
The bigger problem here is that you’re funding her lifestyle and you clearly don’t want to. It’s going to be disastrous for your marriage because you’re already treating her like your paid employee and not your partner.
You need to know that just because she’s going to stay at home and do the housework doesn’t mean you can treat her like a maid, punish her for mistakes and hold the moolah you’re spending over her head all the time.
And she needs to learn that staying home all day, doing almost nothing worthwhile, and depending solely on you for ‘spending coins every 2 weeks’ is a terrible idea.” WebbieVanderquack
1. AITJ For Asking My Colleague To Mind Her Own Business?
“It was my mum’s (53f) birthday a few days ago. My dad (64m) decided to treat her to dinner in her favorite restaurant. It’s worth mentioning that my dad does not speak English, and my mum is not a native speaker either, but she is pretty fluent in it. My mum also looks significantly younger than she is due to working out, diet, and different beauty ‘therapies,’ while my dad looks his age.
So, one of the waitresses pulled my mum aside and asked if she had been groomed by my dad. My mother thought that being groomed meant being taken care of and treated, so she replied positively. After she couldn’t understand why the waitress urged her to leave and hide and thought it was a surprise. Long story short police got called and nearly arrested my dad until Mum cleared the air, showed her passport and said they were married for over 25 years.
No hard feelings; they left a decent tip for the restaurant for doing something and laughed at the situation (more like miscommunication).
Now, on Friday, I was telling this story to my work friend, and we both agreed that it was funny. One of our work colleagues, Nancy, intervened and said if she was the police officer, she would still take my dad into custody.
Due to their age difference it’s clear to her that my mother was groomed by him. Just hearing that made me want to vomit since my parents met each other when both of them had successful careers and my dad was working as a member of the police force himself for years and adopted me and raised me as his own daughter.
I snapped and asked Nancy to mind her own business and stop making assumptions, but she carried on.
I had no choice but to get the manager involved, and both of us got dismissed until Monday to wait for HR to look into the issue. Since then, Nancy posted a rant on social media and called me a jerk for ‘supporting grooming of women by an older rich man,’ and some other people agreed with her.
This entire situation makes me angry, but AITJ for reporting her to the management?
Edit: It seems a lot of people think that somehow my mum looks like a young teen. She isn’t. I’d say she looks in her middle 30s, judging by my colleagues guessing her age. She uses Botox and other ‘therapies’ to keep young as her job involves meeting a lot of people, be seen by a lot of people, so she has to look presentable (before someone else jumps on it no it’s not prostitution or anything like that, think more in filming/acting).
Possibly she stole her secret of being forever young from Paul Rudd or Jared Leto, I don’t know.
Where we live grooming in adults is recognized.”
Another User Comments:
“I can’t believe the audacity of some people these days. If your mother looked like a teenager then I could understand them putting their nose in their business, but you say she looks like she’s in her 30s.
What a 35-year-old woman does with her life is her own business. Do we just go around assuming that people are being tricked nowadays? It’s so weird. Of course, you were telling a lighthearted story of the office around the water cooler and everybody should’ve chuckled and gone about their business. But when you tell someone to stop and they continue with disparaging remarks about your family, of course, you have to get the management involved. What she did was a personal attack and highly unprofessional. She should be reprimanded. You’re NTJ.” Nearby-Conference959
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for a few reasons (Though I’m welcome to anyone pointing out any flaws in my reasoning’s not my grammar though, I know it’s garbage lol)
Nancy shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, to begin with. From the sound of it, you were sharing this story with your friend and Nancy came in with her opinion that wasn’t asked for to begin with.
Given that you mentioned they’d been married for a little more than 25 years, your parents were adults assumably when they met somewhere between the mid to late 20s and mid to late 30s and assuming they’ve been friends long before that.) So no it wasn’t grooming.
(I could go into what it could have been but this isn’t part of the question so I will not go further on this.)
Nancy went out of her way basically calling your dad a cradle robber. Which is its own right I genuinely believe you have a right to be angry about it. No one should ever accuse someone of that without actual proof to fall back and Nancy had nothing from that story.
Nancy didn’t stop when you told her to mind her own business, thinking that she had a right to get involved in the first place. Not only that but she went and called you out on social media which in its own right is viable for verbal harassment which can get worse if not reported.
I also inform you OP to please report that post as well, tell her to remove it or you’re going to file a harassment claim against her as she’s spreading false allegations and more or less encouraging friends and family to harass you (Not sure if they have just assumed here) but before you do that please screenshot it and use it as proof with HR to further your claim.
I wish you luck and please update us on this.” Grimm_Salem666
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for reporting her to management. Nancy is entitled to her opinion about age gap relationships and frankly, she’s right about them.
If she gets fired, a lawyer could make an excellent case for saying she was fired for speaking the truth about age gap relationships.
You need to accept the truth, that most of them are exploitative and happen because men want a naive younger woman they can mold and control.
When they met, at 25 and 36 respectively, your step-dad had significantly more life experience than her and she was pregnant with another man’s child. That made her extra vulnerable to exploitation.
I’m not saying that’s what happened but that’s what happens in most age gap relationships so you need to cut Nancy some slack. It’s possible she had an age gap relationship where she was exploited or that she knows women who have.
Truth be told, you actually have no idea what happened when your mom and step-dad got together, what the dynamic was like, so you can’t say your step-dad didn’t pick her because he wanted a young woman to control and mold.
It’s actually amazing your mom has been married to your step-dad for 25 years. Most age gap marriages end in divorce.
Also, going to your manager was too far.
It’s going to make it look like you can’t resolve simple differences of opinion.” User
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