People Want The Verdict On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Dad's Wife To My Wedding?
“A little backstory: my parents divorced when I was 11, I’m now 26 years old. I have had little contact with my dad due to his wife feeling threatened by my sister and me. We make friendly conversation on the phone every 2 months or so. I have tried to include him in my life, offering to go out to dinner and meet halfway (he lives 10 miles from me).
He just doesn’t follow through, and as the years go by I stopped trying so hard. This past year was the first year I stopped initiating phone calls and plans for dinner. He does however show up to graduations, funerals, etc. I am fortunate enough to have a mother that went above and beyond my entire upbringing.
My dad recently told me and my sister that he will not be attending the wedding if his wife cannot come.
I feel conflicted about inviting her. She does not address me ever and pretends that I do not exist because of a fight we had when I was 12 years old. At the time, I was sad that my parents divorced and mad at her because she was the other woman (the reason for the divorce). I have since apologized for the behaviors that happened when I was younger.
My dad says that she wants another apology from me. I think this is ridiculous at this point. I apologized five years ago in an email that went disregarded by her (I have many regrets over this, believe me). The reason for doing that was my dad owed me money for school, and he said he would pay me the remainder if I apologized. I know how crazy that sounds, and at the time I needed the money so I just wrote a quick email.
We recently went to my grandmother’s funeral (my dad’s mom), and she jointly ignored my sister and me the entire time. We did not get to sit with the family because she wanted her daughter sitting there instead. Even writing this I realize how insane this sounds. I think I have my answer just from writing this out, but maybe I am being selfish.
I am completely heartbroken that my dad is giving me a choice like this.
Am I the jerk for stopping to try to have a relationship with him and his wife? And not inviting her to the wedding? I want nothing more than to include him in my life regularly and have him walk me down the aisle. I have always had a large hole in my life where he should be. At this point, I feel like it just is not worth the pain.
I feel bad for my future husband that he has to watch this, and bad for my future children that they won’t have a grandfather from my side of the family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Wait wait wait…..She was the other woman and is holding a grudge for something you said to her at 12 years old???? WOW, she’s a piece of work and most people in society would call her a lot worse so NO you DO NOT need to apologize again to her especially since she views you and your sister as competition.
I think you have to unfortunately accept your father has made his choice, stand your ground and tell him if she can’t be civil and stop acting like a child then no she can’t come.
I suspect in time your father will realize choosing this piece of work over his kids is the wrong choice but sadly he has to make that conclusion and he’s made his miserable bed so he can lie in it.
Know that this says so much more about your dad than you and your sister that he’d choose the other woman over both of you.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“So if I just add the facts, read this as though you had no connection to the situation.
The dad had an affair that broke up his marriage. He chose the other woman. His children were rightfully upset and confused and now had to accept these new circumstances and this new person (all while they’re growing and hitting hormones which is tricky enough).
An argument happened between his 12 yr old and the woman (she was supposed to be the adult, she shouldn’t be arguing with a child in that position so she and the dad were both jerks there).
She then uses this for the next 14 yrs to ignore his children’s existence. Demanding an apology. Making dad demand another written apology before fulfilling his parental responsibility (which was ignored).
Going so far as to ostracize those children from their own grandparent’s funeral family seating.
Eldest is getting married and despite the fact he continually lacks the effort to want to be in their lives, is given the greatest honor by being requested to walk her down the aisle. Dad says – only if you again apologize, but more meaningfully, AND make sure you gracefully invite said wife – who will no doubt ignore the daughter apart from the odd scorned or dirty look, keep father away from his daughter so as to not be left alone and generally bring the whole feeling down (and that’s if she’ll let him walk his daughter down the aisle as she may say she doesn’t want to sit on her own whilst he is upfront).
Do you think the daughter is the jerk? Of course not. Your dad and his wife however have made choices to continuously be jerks to his young children, then his adult children even though after all this he should not only apologize for allowing this to continue for 14/15 years but be thankful you’re trying to keep what little contact you have left and still wish him to be a big part of your day.
In my opinion, tell dad you’re sorry that he cannot see their own wrongdoings in how he treats and how he has allowed another person to treat his children. You apologized twice over the years for a thing that happened when you were twelve, emotional, confused, and had this new person who was supposed to be the adult, (who he allowed) to argue with a child.
You’ve tried to not only include him in your life but also in your wedding. All while never once asking for the apology you and your sibling rightfully deserve. The invite for him is there but you only want people there that acknowledge your existence so you understand if he chooses not to come as he has shown over the years how they feel about you.
Then ask your mum and/or sister to walk you down, they’re the ones who have helped you become the person you are today, not him, with your head high as you are so far from being TJ.” Fumble_Luna85
17. AITJ For Telling My Stepdad He Can't Walk Me Down The Aisle?
“I 23f am getting married to my fiancé 27m. I have never liked my stepdad Dave 45m because there have been several cases of my Mum choosing him over me and he always gaslights and manipulates people to be on his side.
I haven’t been able to see my dad much since I was 8 when my mum was unfaithful to him with Dave (my mum had custody). However, my dad is still my favorite person and he had always been my escape from Dave’s toxicity. Anyway, Dave has recently asked me if he could walk me down the aisle but I believe he asked in front of the whole family (at a family dinner) so I’d be most likely to say yes.
I said, ‘no because we do not get along and if I wanted you to walk me then I’d ask myself.’ After dinner, he and my mum got mad at me for not caring about him. But that isn’t what the main problem is it’s that he keeps asking me at least twice a day and I keep saying no. When I was younger I would have caved in but now I will not.
I told him he’s uninvited from the wedding then he got very mad calling me a witch, telling me that I am a dumb witch for not letting someone who has been in my life since I was 8. The only downside to this is that my mum loves him a lot more than she loves me (eg when my older sister gave birth my mum refused to be in the delivery room unless Dave was there), so she told me she will not be at the wedding if Dave doesn’t go.
My fiancé said that if my mum constantly chooses him over me then she shouldn’t be there either. I have told my friends about this and some think I’m in the right but some others think I should stop being petty and re-invite him. So I was wondering am I the jerk?
I forgot to add my dad and I have a great relationship and he’s walking me down the aisle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The fact that he chose to ask you in front of the whole family proves his manipulative and abusiveness. When a horrible person puts someone in the spotlight they want to put pressure on that person and depending on their mental strength that person will feel obligated to agree. However, you proved him wrong.
Unfortunately, the day your mother first got with him is when she stopped being your mother.
Which is when a woman is so desperate to keep a man that she’ll allow him to do anything including horribly treating her children.
If you bend to her will then he knows that he can and will continue to always have control of your life. Your egg donor would demand that she and her husband be a part of every aspect of your life regardless of what it is.
She already demanded that her husband watch your sister give birth. Like what the heck?! TBH, after that, that proves that she’s beyond help and a lost cause.
Imagine if you allow her to stay in your life and them knowing the control they have, they will extend that horrible treatment towards any children you might have. She’s basically been absent for the majority of your life, so other than achieving a peaceful life, it’s not like you’re losing out on anything if you cut her out of your life.” puppylove17blue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Him asking you is really… something. And it shows a lot about his personality, especially asking you in front of your family – putting you in a horrible position. I don’t even know why he’d ask when you have a bio dad that you’re obviously very close with. Sounds very entitled on his part.
I’m sorry your mom is the way she is, it’s really awful that she chooses someone over her own children.
(Her demanding him being in your sister’s delivery room is really horrible, your poor sister, she’s in such a vulnerable position, why would you ever ask her that??? I hope she said no.)
I think you did the right thing by un-inviting him. If your mom would rather choose Dave and his awful behavior over her own daughter, I don’t think she deserves to be at your wedding, or have a relationship with you at all frankly.
Best of luck with your wedding!” kat_192
Another User Comments:
“Petty Crocker’s recipe of the day:
Next time he asks, say yes, you may walk me down the aisle, but I need your help with an errand first. Drive to a grocery store. Take him inside and walk to the back. Look around briefly, then walk back to the front and leave. When he inevitably asks what’s going on, tell him he’s just walked you down the aisle.
For extra spiciness, find a reason to have him wait at the back of the store (some have delis, order some meat and ask him to wait for it while they’re slicing it) and then leave him there.
NTJ.” ErisianImpulse
The fact that he keeps asking and then responding poorly when you repeatedly tell him no shows that you made a sound decision. Don't let him or your mom bully you into something you don't want to do.
16. AITJ For Making A Dress Option Off-Limits To My Bridal Party?
“I (27F) am getting married later this year! Technically, my husband and I eloped last year but we are having a formal ceremony to celebrate with family and friends.
I am also diagnosed with several mental disorders that give me extreme social anxiety and make me super awkward so I rely on my older sister (31F) who is much more socially capable for a lot of ‘cues.’
My bridal party is made up of my sister and 4 close friends. They all have different body types/sizes/needs (for example my one friend is actively trying for pregnancy and so she will hopefully be in her second trimester during the wedding) and so I didn’t want to pick a dress for all of them.
Instead, I found a website with affordable bridesmaids’ dresses and filtered by my theme color, then sent the results to my bridal party. I told them to let me know which dress and which size they’d like and I’d gift it to them (the dresses are only like $99 so I’m happy to pay, especially because I’m already re-wearing my dress from eloping).
On a whim, I went back through the dresses (honestly just wanted to play a little game with myself where I guessed who would pick what and see if I was right later) and noticed there was one that looked a lot like my dress – mine has a bit of a train and is more detailed but overall it’s the exact same cut/neckline.
Without thinking, I popped back into the group chat and asked that my bridal party pick any dress but that one style.
My sister called me a couple of minutes later to explain that I came off as super self-centered and vain for that. She explained that people were already going out of their way to help me celebrate my marriage a second time and that if I wanted them to wear a certain dress I shouldn’t have given the illusion of choice.
She also pointed out that between the color, train, and details the two dresses only have the same silhouette in common. Her reasoning makes sense to me but I also feel it’s a little harsh. I usually trust her on everything but this time I’ll ask the Internet because why not?”
Another User Comments:
“You said that they couldn’t wear ONE dress out of forty or fifty.
That’s not self-centered or vain. There’s no bride on the planet who wants someone else at their wedding in a very similar dress unless it’s the junior bride or flower girl. (Sometimes, not even then.) There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a special day for YOU so abiding by your wishes, which aren’t very demanding at ALL, shouldn’t be hard for people who care about you.
(Not to mention, you’re paying for them. That’s practically unheard of these days.) It sounds like that may have been the dress that your sister liked so she’s trying to treat you badly about it and trick you into thinking you said something wrong…
Also, I don’t like her comment about how everyone was ‘going out of their way to celebrate your marriage for a second time’.
It came off as being very bitter and as if she’s annoyed about your decision to have a ‘formal wedding’ because you’re already technically married. (Which is a suuuuuuper common thing these days, now more than ever.) Everyone at your bridal party should be excited and happy to be there to celebrate your marriage. Not to mention, this is your FIRST formal wedding celebration…
NTJ. I’m sure everyone will find a dress that isn’t THAT one and will make them happy and look nice. Good luck with your upcoming celebration and congrats on your marriage!” Affectionate_Salt351
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s literally one dress. I think if any of your friends just fell in love with ‘that’ dress and had a problem, then they could address it with you, but I doubt your friends are getting their hearts broken over a bridesmaid dress.
Your sister’s response sounds like she’s got a different gripe with you other than taking one dress out as an option. I’m basing that off what you said when you said, ‘She explained that people were already going out of their way to help me celebrate my marriage a second time.’ I could be completely wrong, but I don’t think this is purely about the dress.” ToughAd7278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s perfectly acceptable to veto any bridesmaid’s dress you don’t care for, it’s your wedding. They still have options AND you’re fully funding the dresses. You as the bride have the final say on your bridal party’s attire.
Also, plenty of people had legal marriages within the last couple of years and are now having their ceremonial weddings… Your sister is being incredibly weird about the whole thing.
Is she jealous? I think she’s jealous.” BICSb4DICS
Tho it got me thinking, that would actually be pretty cool to have them ALL wear that one..... they are, after all, your 'bridal' party. Your dress, being fancier, would of course, set you apart. I think that would be cute
15. AITJ For Stopping My Roommate From Having A Service Dog?
“I live with three roommates. I’m disabled – autistic and with severe chronic pain, and one of my roommates is also disabled.
I’ve been training my service dog, Diego, for half a year now. I have a behaviorist, a vet on call, two trainers, and my own experience. He’s doing so amazingly – he’ll now consistently perform tasks and we reckon it’ll be a few months more until he’s ready.
I’m so proud of my boy, and of myself.
My roommates sometimes have panic attacks, and my SDit (service dog in training) will perform deep pressure therapy on them when asked. His specific task is to either put his entire body weight on someone or rest his head on your shoulder.
My roommate also wants to begin the process of getting a service dog, but they say they don’t have the time or money for the dog + training (they want to go the owner-trained route because getting one through an organization would be too expensive).
They said that since they have more serious needs than mine (which is true), they’re interested in buying Diego and finishing his training themselves. I really love well-bred standard poodles, and they suggested that I use the money from selling Diego to get a standard poodle puppy and train it myself. And I’d still be able to see Diego all the time because we live together.
I told them absolutely not and ended up being quite rude, I think. I’ve had Diego for ages, he’s my best friend as well as specifically trained for my disabilities which are very different from my roommate’s disability.
My trainer and dad are on my side completely, but my roommate says that I’m being unreasonable and it would solve their problem of needing a cheap service dog and me wanting a poodle.”
Another User Comments:
“I was so about to jump to yes after reading the title, but NO. You are NTJ. You have been training him to be your service dog, while he may help with your roommate that isn’t how service dogs work, also you can’t just buy a poodle puppy and train him to be a service dog, what if he fails the training.
Not every dog has the right personality to be a service dog be it police army or service dog, a lot will fail out of training and they end up being great pets. Still, they aren’t service dogs.
The thing about a service dog too is he has been trained towards your needs, to focus on you, not your roommate. Dingo is not an iPad that you can just press a button and log in to your roommate’s profile of their needs.
If you want to keep the peace in the flat, you can offer to help your roommate with training, or get them in touch with your vet, maybe a group that can help them get a service dog.” Kestra_Safire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Diego is your service dog, not theirs. They can save up for one of their own. Sure it sucks they can’t afford one now but YOU have put in the time, the effort, the money, and the patience into training a dog that is suitable for YOUR needs, not theirs.
They just want a quick fix because they’re lazy and entitled. They want the results for none of the work. I would suggest looking for a new place to live. You don’t want your roommate to suddenly disappear one day with your dog in tow. Make sure your dog’s microchip, tags, and license (if applicable) are up to date with your information.
Stop allowing them to use Diego for their panic attacks.
Whilst Diego is helping them he could be missing the signs for YOUR health needs and you could suffer medical issues as a result. Not only that but it’s contradicting his training to focus on YOU. If Diego is alerting to them he’s not alerting or paying attention to you. It is undoing all of your hard work and will make his job all the harder and more tiring.” ToxicDinosawr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your roommate is not entitled to your dog. Diego is trained for your needs, not theirs. They can either get a puppy and train it up OR they can do fundraisers (like many who need service dogs do) to purchase a mostly trained service dog. BUT if they don’t have time for training, it’s going to be a problem. All service dogs require some level of training and time for care.
It’s not as simple as Diego just becoming theirs and you’d be absolved from his care. I bet the roommate will still want you to do the non-fun dog things (grooming, poop patrol, etc.).
Consider the time and money aspect a natural gate. If the roommate cannot find the time or the money, they are unlikely to find the time or the money once the dog is in their possession.
Diego is currently convenient for your roommate, but what happens when you’re gone? Will Diego get the same or better level of care from your roommate? It’s not worth it or fair to you or Diego.” EquivalentTwo1
14. AITJ For Telling My Mom Chores Aren't Fun?
“15m here, USA. I’m on the spectrum, but due to a combination of late diagnosis and bad communication, I didn’t really understand what that meant until 6th grade. So I have a general sense of what is/isn’t appropriate, but not so much why/why not.
To start, yes I know chores are necessary.
That’s not the argument.
The problem I have is my Mom seems convinced they’re fun and enjoyable and a treat!
I swear, she tried to REWARD us for spending a day gardening with her by… having us clean our rooms?! Seriously, very weird.
My siblings and I have just gone along with it because if she gets upset, she starts crying, and everything has to stop until we make her feel better.
Anyway, last Saturday we helped her with spring yard work. Mowing, weeding, etc. Now, I get it has to be done, so I won’t say ‘whole day wasted,’ or anything, but come dinner I was hot, tired, and frankly just not in a good mood. Mom noticed, but I just said I was tired to avoid a scene.
The next day, I’m planning to go out with friends to see the new Dr. Strange movie, and my Mom asks where I’m going.
I tell her, and she says she thought I’d want to do MORE chores.
I said no.
She asked why.
I said, ‘because I want to have fun today.’
Well, I knew I messed up because she started crying. Instead of trying to comfort her, I just took off before she could start the guilt-tripping.
Things have been tense around here, and my siblings are mad because I left them to clean up the ‘mess’ I made.
Mom has been extra short with me, and I just want to know if I missed something?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t think you did anything wrong.
I’m not on the spectrum and my mom and I had a similar fight my entire childhood. For her, she was really obsessed with this vision in her head that her kids were going to want to help her all the time.
So every time she had a chore for me to do, instead of telling me to do it, she’d ask ‘do you want to do the dishes for me?’ And I’d say ‘not really’ and she’d get super upset and we’d have the same dumb fight over and over again. I always told her ‘I didn’t want to but I will,’ and it probably would have been easier for me to just say yes, but she never heard me and had this insane standard in her head.
Well flash forward to me being in my 30s and we’re finally having the fight out because my mom my whole life has refused to see me as a whole person with my own wants and choices and just tried to shove me into this perfect image in her head, and my brother’s just telling me ‘that’s how she is and it won’t change’ but I don’t have it in me anymore to act the part just for her.
All to say, it’s probably bigger than this chores are fun thing. Your mom is probably hurting, and maybe looking for ways to spend time with you but doesn’t know how, but your siblings are just enabling her avoidance and self-centering behaviors. But you’re NTJ for not wanting to do chores all the time.” LoganTheDiscoCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for most people, chores are not fun, and never will be.
But what your mom is doing is worse, they are manipulating you and expecting you to use all your free time doing chores for them. Yes, they are necessary, and it seems you fully understand that, but for another person to try and schedule all of your free time to work for them is wrong in so many ways.
By the way, you handled this correctly, you were honest, and recognized, even if not fully, the attempt to use the crying as coercion.
Best bet is to always walk away from that.
For your siblings, sit them down and tell them you are done tiptoeing around your mother’s fits. That from this point on, you will be 100% honest with your mom, and you will 100% walk away if your mom tries to use emotional blackmail on you. Encourage them to do the same, but let them know that is their choice, and they get to bear the repercussions from it, and you will not feel guilty if they decide to stay and don’t like the outcome.” FPFan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, ‘If she gets upset, she starts crying, and everything has to stop until we make her feel better.’
I had a mom like this.
It has NOTHING to do with you being on the spectrum. A parent like this is baffling and exhausting to deal with whether you’re neurotypical or otherwise. Her behavior is manipulative, unhealthy, and grossly inappropriate.
It’s fine to make your kids do chores (to some extent); it’s crackers to insist that they pretend doing them is just a delight. Using tears to try to get your kids to perform a feeling for your own benefit is messed up.
I doubt this is the only crackers thing she does. I admire you for refusing to go along with her bull crap.
Just telling a therapist about this might be validating and helpful for you. Godspeed, OP!” Interesting-Fish6065
13. AITJ For Reporting A Doctor's Assistant?
“While I (25f) have always been on the skinnier side, I’ve lost some additional weight recently. I’ve tried eating more to put weight back on but it doesn’t work for some reason. Since I’m at least BMI-wise quite a bit underweight at the moment (53kg at 174cm) and my mom has thyroid issues I thought it’d be a good idea to talk with my doctor.
When I called, however, the doctor’s assistant refused to give me an appointment since I ‘should be happy I’m in good shape’ and this apparently is not a reason to talk to a doctor. I managed to get an appointment anyways the next day by calling again and citing false reasons for my visit. At the end of the consultation, I addressed the assistant’s refusal to give me an appointment with the doctor.
I thought her behavior was quite insensitive, especially since people with an eating disorder might not take the comments she made well. He said the situation was not acceptable and the assistant would face consequences for it.
I talked about the whole situation again with some friends the other day and they all felt quite strongly about me ‘being a Karen’ and that I didn’t behave correctly according to them.
They talked about how the doctor’s assistant might feel insecure about her own weight/possibly had a bad day and how I managed to get an appointment in the end anyway so all was good. They also said I overreacted by going to the doctor for being skinny to begin with so it’d definitely not be ok to potentially get the assistant written up or fired for such a trivial health concern.
I felt kind of bad about the assistant getting in trouble to begin with – I addressed it with my doctor so he maybe has a talk with her, not to get her written up or anything. I’m really starting to have a bad conscience about the situation – so AITJ for reporting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, the assistant has no right to prevent you from getting an appointment based on her personal views and she’s fully aware of that.
That would be like telling someone with cancer concerns that they looked healthy and they’re being dramatic. It’s rude, it’s uncalled for and I hope she got fired.
Secondly, you need better friends. Jesus Christ. People go to the doctor to address health issues, no matter what it is. Say your symptoms are a serious medical issue and you need treatment? Are they going to apologize for saying your appointments were unnecessary??
Are they going to be the ones dealing with the condition? No. THEY are the jerks and should have backed you up.
I hope everything comes up good for you though and your health gets better!” adoravix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s common knowledge that weight loss can be a sign of serious illness. We all remember Chadwick Boseman, people were commenting on how much weight he lost at the end of his life just for it to be revealed that he had cancer.
Imagine someone had undiagnosed cancer and got turned away by this medical assistant because she told them ‘they should be happy they’re in good shape.’ Or, like you said, someone with an eating disorder finally reaching out for help only to be told the same thing & have it cause a severe spike in their symptoms.
People shouldn’t have to lie about their symptoms in order to receive help.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s her job to give you medical assistance not to insult you. Professionals like this are what make many patients falsely diagnosed and neglected by their diseases or disorders because they don’t do their job. You shouldn’t pity, you should stand up for yourself because you came there for a reason (an actual health reason). I have the same problem of not gaining weight easily and NEVER did any doctor or even doctor’s assistants take it lightly because they care about their patients!
What if there’s something else and it’s too late? Who is to blame?” ArveDHuston
12. AITJ For Telling My Dad It's Too Late For Him To Be A Father To Me?
“So my dad basically left when I was 5, and I (14F) never knew why until now, and to keep it short it was because of immigration issues because while I was born in the US neither of my parents were. But because no one ever explained it to me because I ‘never asked’, I basically grew up thinking that my dad left because he didn’t want me, and that kind of realization is devastating as a kid, especially when I was so young.
Since I only had my mom, I also partially had to raise myself and I feel like I had to grow up much quicker, and even more so after 2020 basically cutting my middle school career short, which didn’t help preserve my childhood at all.
My father recently came back for Eid, I guess expecting me and my brother to welcome him with open arms even though I still wasn’t given an explanation for what happened. For context, my dad did visit once before in the summer of 2016 when I was 8.
I wasn’t as hostile before since when I was that age I didn’t really know what to feel about the whole situation.
I basically ignored him, only ever talking to him when my mom made me. One time I went downstairs to eat and my mom tried to make him talk to me again and the whole conversation he kept talking over me and I just blew up at him.
I don’t really get super angry and rarely do I ever yell—I haven’t done anything like that since I was in like 4th grade, but I just got so angry and it was a whole thing.
Later when my dad was leaving for a longer period of time he tried to talk to me one more time and he compared our situation to my cousin’s because their dad also left but they’re on ‘good terms’, (I talked to her a couple of days before and she said all she does is say hi and leaves it at that so do what you will with that info), and it didn’t really help his case in my eyes.
I’ve lived out my childhood without him, and I don’t want nor need him in my life. Would it be nice to have a father? Sure, but I wouldn’t want it to be him. Not after he hurt me like that. But I don’t think he fully understands what he put me through as a kid which is why I just can’t live with him.
He’s my father biologically but that man is a stranger to me. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong because my mom keeps asking me to reconsider, especially since she’s talked to him about remarrying. The thought of that is genuinely so scary to me, literally him just being here for like a week ruined my mental health and I genuinely don’t know what to do if she did remarry him.
I feel bad because I think I heard him cry after that last conversation we had and I feel like I was too harsh. I don’t know what to do, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I say this because your dad is TJ for pushing so hard with no explanation or apology or any attempt at honest communication. Your mom sucks for not properly understanding the trauma you went through and pushing your dad to you.
Trust me if your dad had wanted to he could’ve reached out way before and minimized your trauma. My parents immigrated to the states when I was a year old and left me with my grandparents. I only met them in real life when I was 7. Them leaving me has left me with some internal trauma that even had physical symptoms (after my parents left I developed a rash that was related to stress according to doctors) and a bunch of other things.
The thing is though this whole time my entire family was always sure to explain to me and keep my parents alive in my head. I knew where my parents were and why they left and that I wasn’t abandoned. I STILL got issues from this whole thing. I can’t imagine how bad it was for you to have your dad just up and leave and never maintain contact.
If you want I’d suggest you sit him down and set some boundaries. Make it known that if he wants a relationship it has to be on your terms and he has to acknowledge how he hurt you and what he did wrong. Or don’t. You don’t need him in your life if he’s going to make your life worse. But definitely talk to your mom about her remarriage and state just how bad your relationship with him is and how that would negatively affect you.
There’s a chance she might be doing it to have a happy little family that would probably blow up in her face. Good luck with your dad and mom!” Jumpy_Ad_3583
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Have you ever considered that your mom might have an equal part in this? So just because she didn’t tell you when it was her responsibility, you get a pass to be mad at your dad?
What if he was too poor to afford postage? What if he sent money to your mom and she never told you? You have serious communication issues here and you’re taking it out on the wrong person. If I was you I’d be interrogating my mother like a criminal asking why she felt the need to not say anything either.” hippiechickie72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family has serious communication issues. Your father may have had a good excuse to not be physically near you, but he didn’t care enough to make sure you still felt emotionally supported. He didn’t stay in contact, and he didn’t even care enough to make sure you knew why he was gone! It’s VERY weird that your mother didn’t tell you either. I don’t know what’s up with that, but it’s clear you have been neglected for years and there’s no excuse for it.” graywisteria
11. AITJ For Cancelling My DND Game After There Was An Affair?
“I’ve been running a Dungeons & Dragons game for 5 people for the last year and a half, but I pulled the plug this week because of something that came to light.
I’ve been running the game for my best friend John, his wife Lisa, My other long-term friend, who is also John and Lisa’s housemate Jesse, and 2 others,
The other night John came to me in tears because he had caught Jesse and Lisa mid-act, and it had been occurring for a while now, even before John and Lisa got married. I have tried to support him, being there for him as he figures out what is next.
Later that week after John said we can’t run DND anymore, I agreed and pulled the plug, apologizing to my 2 other players sighting personal issues.
John and Lisa have decided to push past this and work on them, Jesse is looking for another place, they all say they have reconciled, and are moving forward. Now Jesse is messaging me calling me immature for canceling DND over this, saying I shouldn’t have taken the game away from them, out of anger.
At first yes I was angry, watching them hurt my best friend. And I’m sad to lose a great game with friends over this, but I don’t know if I can run a game for people at the table with such contention.
I’m being told that I’ve done the wrong thing in taking the game away from them because it was a chance for them to escape reality.
I do feel bad because I took the game away from them but I thought it was the right thing at the time.
I’m just lost, and unsure what to do.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Being the game organizer (dungeon master) is hard at the best of times. It’s basically bringing a dynamic of different people to the table and trying to weave a story around it.
I don’t think I’d fully agree with your actions as a DM, but you’re fully allowed to do what you did.
It’s about your enjoyment of the game too, and if you don’t think you could enjoy it knowing what’s going on, then you don’t have to.
And I certainly don’t think Jesse can really complain about having a thing they love taken away from them when they’re part of the dynamic that caused you to cancel.
And you certainly don’t have to run a game because you’re not feeling it, for whatever reason (anger or anything else).
As for things to do: if you were to revive the game, who would you want at the table? Is it feasible to invite them? Or if continuing the campaign feels too difficult, do you want to start a new campaign? Or a different mix of people at the table?” Anovadea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t owe them a game.
The truth is they made it really awkward for you and you have a right to avoid being in this weird situation where they are pretending that Jesse and Lisa weren’t unfaithful and it 100% won’t work. There’s a reason that cutting out an affair partner completely is an important part of trying to move past infidelity.
What are they going to do when Lisa decides to roll for seduction or if Jesse’s character gets mildly flirty? DnD is that kind of a game. This is normally fine between good friends – I play DnD with my fiancé and married friends and a bit of jokey flirting between characters would not cause drama. But that is because we trust each other and nobody is deceitful.
Given the history, any time anything vaguely romantic or inappropriate happens in-game, it will probably bring back that drama. Plus John will have to constantly see his wife playing around with the friend she’s been with behind his back.
There’s so much potential for drama and hurt and if I was DMing, I’d do the same as you. Maybe you could consider running a game for John, Lisa, and another friend or friends who aren’t Jesse, but given his entitled reaction, I’d make it clear you don’t want to run the game as originally played. Jesse has the least reason to be mad here; this is the direct consequence of him not being able to keep himself away from his fellow player’s wife.
Sometimes games fall apart. One of mine ended when two of my friends got divorced – there’s no way I’d expect them to play nice for DND.” linerva
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
‘Taking the game away from them.’
This attitude angers me. As a DM you do NOT owe them your time or the game. You are a player as much as anyone else in that you are participating in the game and deserve to have as much fun as any of them.
You choosing to not participate in a situation that is no longer comfortable for you (a situation in which it is really hard to still have fun) is not you ‘taking’ anything from them. They ruined a fun group situation with their drama.
If they actually care about this they will do what they can to help you feel comfortable around all of them again.
That isn’t just telling you to******* up.
Any of them could choose to step up and run the game and they could invite the whole group to keep gaming. You are not the only one who can do things and you are not indebted to them to do so.” ACorania
10. AITJ For Not Being There For My Sister During A Stressful Time?
“My sister and I stopped speaking 4 years ago after she hurt my feelings and made it seem like I was overreacting. I am a mom of three but only one of them is living. I had a one-year-old daughter and was expecting my second daughter when we lost our oldest to SIDS. Two months later while I was 6 months into my pregnancy, my second daughter’s heart stopped beating.
It was the worst time of my and my husband’s lives. A year later we had our son. Even though he’s the only child anyone can see we always made a point to say we have three children and I have no problem explaining that I lost my daughters if someone wonders where our other children are. They are still my children and I am still their mom.
My sister for some reason decided to make a point of saying I only had one child; my son. She commented on a few different posts that I was a mom of one. I can’t even tell you what the posts were about exactly. Just that she would mention me, sometimes by name, as only having one child. Then during a party for our brother sometime later she brought up that having ‘a bunch of young kids’ (she has two) is super tough and she envied me.
I told her to treasure every moment. She told me I wouldn’t know what it’s like, as I only have one.
Her words cut deep. My brother and husband were in the other room and heard her say it. My husband said I just froze up, and started crying in the car home. She claimed I was dismissive of her and that I made a big deal of nothing.
When I was able I asked her did she not see how insensitive it was. She brushed it off so easily.
I couldn’t be around her after that.
My sister is currently undergoing cancer treatment and both of her kids have been diagnosed with ADHD, with the oldest also having some learning problems. She and her husband are struggling and my sister is apparently very sick.
My extended family keeps saying I should be there for her, put the past behind us, etc. I have been clear that I won’t push anything aside. One of my aunts on my mom’s side told me I was terrible and that my sister needs me now more than ever and I am being spiteful. She also said she hopes I feel deep regret if my sister ends up dying.
My mom told her to drop the subject with me.
Their words have kind of stuck even though in my heart of hearts I know I could never be there for her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one wins when they compare their own suffering to the suffering of others to diminish everyone’s pain but their own. Your sister is cruel. You cannot change her.
Did your saintly aunt move in to care for her great-nephews while your sister undergoes treatment? No? I didn’t think so. She’s a hypocritical busybody. Discount all her nasty comments.
The only question you need to think about, OP, is what kind of person are you? You live with yourself every day. You are 100% justified in cutting your sister out of your life.
But I don’t know if that is the kind of person you want to be. If you do decide to help your sister out, set boundaries around your aid. Do not expect anything you do to be repaid or for your sister to become a better person. Help her because that is who you are. I don’t know what is meant by ‘be there for her,’ but general admonitions like that are unhelpful at best. Decide on a few concrete things you can do that will minimize exposure to your sister’s cruelty and do those things.
(Like finding the kids a tutor and offering to contribute money to that end — remote stuff is probably better, and hey, maybe your obnoxious aunt would help). But only do something for her family because it will help you put this past you.” dj1nn1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what your sister did was horrible and it sounds like she never apologized or attempted to make amends, is that right?
Honestly, I would’ve done the same thing. Even if you really only had one child it would be rude and unnecessary to make those comments. Going out of her way to comment on your posts and make those comments about not knowing what it’s like to your face knowing that you had two children that died is just… I don’t even know… it’s just cruel…
Your sister clearly has issues. I’m sorry she has cancer but I don’t know. Maybe send a card. You’re not obligated to support someone who was so cruel to you.” tiannatorres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you don’t make her life harder or are mean to her then you’re good. She effectively hurt you in the worst possible way she could’ve as your SISTER.
You aren’t helping not just because you’re holding her past actions against her but because those actions effectively burned the bond you guys had and now you have (what sounds like) no relationship. You don’t really help people who hurt you in the past unless you’re fully healed and WANT to rekindle a relationship. Which you are free to choose to do or not. The fact that she hasn’t reached out means that she and her husband must be managing somehow and she knows that she hurt you before and doesn’t deserve to ask you for help.
Keep living your life and making it count with your son and honoring your daughters.” Jumpy_Ad_3583
9. AITJ For Doing The Absolute Minimum Chores?
“I work from home and my job is relaxed and doesn’t require me to be glued to the screen, my partner works in a stressful customer service job and most of her days are terrible. In the 2 years we’ve been living together, I do practically all the chores around the house and I try to treat her like a queen when she comes back home.
However, the one thing I can’t do is be a handyman no matter how easy the task is. A few months ago, the bathroom door hinges needed replacing so I called a friend to help.
Last week during lunch with her parents, I asked her dad about the project he was working on (he does woodworking as a hobby). He showed me the progress on his phone and suggested I should help him with the last touches.
My partner told him that I can’t even replace door hinges let alone help with that. Her mom said that every man should know how to fix things around the house and her husband agreed with her. The remainder of lunch was very awkward, it was like they were my real parents and were disappointed in me for being a huge failure.
After we left, I told my partner that I didn’t expect their reaction.
Instead of taking my side, she said that they were right because it was embarrassing that I need to call a friend to help with something trivial.
I reminded her that I get nervous and anxious every time I touch a tool. I admitted it was stupid but it’s just the way I am and have been very honest with her since the start. Still, she didn’t change her mind.
I told her that since their idea of being a man is twisted I must share the same view and start working on being their version of a man. I told her that I will stop cooking for her. And I’ll stop doing the dishes, laundry, and cleaning. The only thing that I would keep doing is taking the trash out and grocery shopping. So I could focus my time and effort on becoming a man.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I (f) was having this conversation with my partner (m) who was terrible at any kind of DIY, we always laughed about how I am great at DIY and he is so terrible considering he is so clever in so many other ways.
We realized that most men probably learn from their dad growing up (that’s how I learned, but also naturally good at doing stuff with my hands) and that is why he never learned.
Most men don’t automatically know how to do this crap, they have learned over time. And after that my partner started doing the odd thing – it started with following a plan online to build some soundproofing frames filled with rock wool and covered in fabric. After he had done this and used a drill for the first time he started doing other things by looking up videos online and doing things together.
I was wondering what it was like for you growing up? Did you have a DIY dad who was able to show you these things? If not then I would be making that clear to them – that you weren’t lucky enough to have a DIY expert show you how to do these types of things and this could be an opportunity for her dad to show you a few things rather than looking down on you.
Obviously, after you’ve made them realize how stupid, misogynistic and likely damaging to future generations these kinds of opinions are to have.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My wife did her undergrad in electrical engineering. I did mine in geography. She’s way more qualified to handle those stereotypical ‘manly projects’ than me. I’m mostly there to be her muscle and lift when she asks me to.
I’ve never been accused of being less of a man because I served in the Marines. Still, when contractors come to our home, and they start talking to me, I laugh and tell them to explain it to my wife, she understands better than me.
I’m like you. For the first few years of our relationship, I did all the cooking and cleaning.
Now we split the cooking, but I still am the only one who seems to know how to clean. And I’m not much of a handyman. I can put together Ikea furniture and stuff, but when we converted our shed into an office, she definitely took lead there, with me standing by just lifting what she couldn’t.
It’s crappy your partner would belittle you like that.
Gendered roles are dumb and outdated. My mom is a master technician, who loved to fix anything. My stepdad was a master chef and handles all the cooking and domestic work. That’s how I grew up, and they’re boomers. He brags about all the things she can fix, and she brags about how amazing his meals are, and when we get together as a family, my mom enlists my wife’s help to fix things, and I help out with chores around the house.
I don’t feel like less of a man for it, and I don’t think he does either. It’s a natural family dynamic for us now.” urbanworldbuilder
Another User Comments:
“ESH, a petty response to something you have a right to be upset about but this is no way to have a good relationship. I think you would be better suited to some constructive counseling.
I think it’s pretty big of you to ask your friends for help and not just blunder by doing a bad job. That said you are more than able to start learning how to do things for yourself. Everyone gets anxiety when you first try something new but I can attest that once you overcome it and with some guidance you would have no issues with any fix-it job.
I think the whole idea of it being a man’s role is outdated and silly, in all my relationships I have been the one who fixes things around the house. That said I try and encourage all my friends/partners/random strangers to have the confidence to try their hand at small tasks and work their way up regardless of their gender.
You have a right to feel hurt by her words but responding by doubling down will just push your relationship towards its end.
Even if it does end up not working out you should do yourself the benefit of keeping your good traits and adding to them not taking yourself to a lesser state of being.” PomegranatePuppy
Another User Comments:
“I thought with that title that this was going to go in a completely different direction than it did. You are definitely NTJ here even if you don’t know how to do the traditional ‘man’ type things.
Not everyone knows how to do repairs or things of that nature and I think that you learning will help you grow as a person.
As for ‘doing the bare minimum’ regarding chores, that’s a non-issue since you said you’re going to be using this time to learn new skills. Besides, you’re not the one who originally had the problem with doing said chores.
Personally, I’d be thrilled to not have to cook or clean since I loathe both, and I would rather try and fix something broken or build something as AFAB.
There’s nothing wrong with either I think. Plus, who cares about gender roles as long as both of you are pulling your fair share around the house!” BlackenedHole
There is nothing wrong with being unable to do something. And for your partner to say those things to her parents and then belittle and embarrass you was horrible. I have worked customer service jobs for 18 years and still ran a house by myself. I'm on the petty train, let her start doing more around the house. You do you sir!
8. WIBTJ If I Confronted My Friend About Her Partner?
“Context: My best friend and I have been friends for 4 years now. Her partner and I didn’t get along mainly because he is a misogynistic person and he treated her like crap.
They broke up once and got together again after some time. Due to her partner, we used to fight a lot to the point that we stopped talking for months. So while I hate her partner and how she always let him control her, I can’t leave her alone because I saw her crying once due to her partner and I felt really bad and she told me she had no one when I left and it really hurt her, so breaking our friendship is not an option here.
Also, whenever I try to knock some sense into her she gets mad and always takes her partner’s side no matter what, so now I’ve stopped doing this because she never listens and I don’t want to ruin our friendship because of her partner. She also wanted her partner and me to become friends so that we can all hang out together, and I reluctantly agreed but not for friendship, just that I won’t mind if she wants us to hang out together occasionally.
I still can’t stand her partner because he is always passing misogynistic remarks but I bear with him only for my friend. One more thing, they both are in the same college and are always glued together so it’s not like they rarely meet.
Coming to the main issue, I had exams and I was busy for a month and we didn’t meet for a month.
Now that I’m done with my exams we planned a hangout with one of our other female friends and it was just supposed to be us three. Without telling us she brought her partner with her and it was not the first time. When she did this the last time I was really ticked off but I didn’t say anything. I am honestly done with caring about her feelings.
The whole time they were with us they kept arguing because her partner wanted to eat somewhere else even though he wasn’t even invited but he was acting like he did us a huge favor by coming. It was so awkward for me and my other friend and we weren’t even able to enjoy our food or talk.
I really want to confront her even though I know she will not admit her mistake and if I leave again she would be all alone, so WIBTJ if I confronted her knowing that it might ruin our friendship considering she doesn’t have anyone else?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but honestly it sounds like a toxic situation. In the past you’ve cut ties with her because you fought all the time about her partner, then she complained that she was lonely, and now you’re unwilling to cut ties again because she will be lonely, but at every opportunity, she disregards your feelings, forces a ‘friendship’ with a horrible guy, ruins your meet ups and defends him at every opportunity.
She sounds like she’s in an abusive relationship and you’re held hostage, unable to get away because you’re her only friend.
You cannot help a friend who refuses to be helped.” Iamhuntingwerewolves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But I wish you would find a way to be supportive of your friend.
It seems like she is in an abusive relationship and that is heart-wrenching to see.
I suggest you have a heart-to-heart with her.
Tell her it’s not your place to intervene and she can make her own choices. You can be clear that you do not want to spend time with her partner ever again and he is not welcome when you invite her places.
Also, tell her that you love her and if she ever comes to you wanting help getting away from him you are there for her.
Tell her there is zero judgment of her and you still think she is as awesome as ever no matter what happens and she won’t hear differently from you ever.” mikefried1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a friend like that who would constantly choose creeps (2 in particular) who were emotionally horrible to her and always hated me because they tried to isolate her and make it seem like they were all she had.
You’re trying to protect your friend but you seem similarly stuck as I had been. I’m assuming you’re all over 18. If true, she’s an adult, and she needs to take responsibility for her choices. Actions have consequences and if she chooses him over you, a long-time friend, and ignores your boundaries to not spend time with her partner, then she really isn’t your friend.
She’s your friend when it’s convenient for her. I wish you all the best but I cut out that person from my life and I’ve never felt better.” mskm016
7. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbor For A Zoning Code?
“I live and own an awkward property. My property is a square and my neighbor’s property is an L with the bottom line being directly behind my house. This part of the property has alley access and is physically separated from the rest of the property with a fence.
There are probably 15 feet separating my bedroom and the lot line.
My neighbor is a landlord and the house on it is a duplex with two tenants. The tenants are lovely. The landlord decided to rent the portion behind my house to a business that will — and currently is — store large equipment like boom trucks, trailers, and skid steers. Again, the only access to this part of the lot is via an alleyway.
I have seen these people cutting across my backyard/driveway to access the street where their personal vehicles are parked. The truck’s headlights will shine directly in my windows.
I called my city to verify zoning and understand what usage is allowed. Our city explicitly disallows the storage of large (7ft tall) commercial vehicles and disallows commercial vehicle parking. The zoning person I talked to affirmed that the usage was not allowed.
I reached out to the landlord and asked what his intentions are, saying that the usage isn’t allowed in residential zoning. I’ve yet to hear back.
I talked to the people renting the lot, they seem nice. I’ve talked to the landlord a few times, he seems nice enough. Everyone is just trying to look out for themselves; the landlord is trying to maximize rent and the business is trying to reduce costs.
But at the same time, I need to protect my interests — I need to protect my property value, my kids’ safety, and my own comfort.
Would I be the jerk for filing a complaint with the city for a zoning violation?
Edit:
I should note that the property/neighborhood is zoned single-family, medium-density residential. The neighboring lot is non-conforming but has been grandfathered in, which is fine, I have no issues with the duplex.
The landlord does not live on the property, he lives a city or two away.
My complaints are threefold:
- Safety — the owners of the vehicles have been cutting through my yard, walking between vehicles in my driveway. Commercial vehicles can invite theft since they often store tools inside. The property is not surrounded by gates and is open to the alley which anyone can access.
I do not want this activity nearby.
- Property Values — I have concerns that improper use of residential land for commercial/industrial purposes will impact my property values. I want to reiterate that the owner of the commercial vehicles is not the owner or tenant of the property. The owner of the property is leasing a small/medium sublot to a 3rd party.
- Comfort — this is probably mostly where I’m the jerk, but it’s an eye sore and creates light/noise pollution.
I bought a home in a residential neighborhood with the expectation that my neighbors would be residents.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a lot of zoning laws are overly restrictive, so just being in violation of a zoning law doesn’t mean someone is unreasonable even though they are technically in the wrong. I would just suggest before filing your complaint you think about what your true goals and needs are.
It seems like your big issue is people cutting through your lawn and the lights shining. If I were you I would reach out to the neighbor one more time, lay out exactly what your needs are, and explain that if he can’t meet them then you will be driven to file a complaint. You might find he is sufficiently motivated to fix issues that you can leave the town government out of it and handle things as neighbors.” joyjacobs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s on him to ensure he is abiding by zoning laws, and he has no one to blame but himself if his violation results in a complaint.
That said, given that he is your neighbor and it sounds like things have been civil, it is probably worth at least waiting a short amount of time to hear back from him… but in one way or another, he needs to get back into compliance with the laws.” Rooster_Local
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you need to protect your property especially if there is the possibility of damage from the vehicles.
-
You can ask the neighbors not to drive so close to the property with your concerns and take measures to shut their lights
-
Go to the city and let them handle it. Either way, you are NTJ.” DeepFudge9235
6. AITJ For Encouraging My Daughter That She Can One Day Change Her Surname?
“My daughter is almost 11. I broke up with her father when she was 2 for various reasons.
He wasn’t unfaithful however the short story is I got sick and he was never there. I was done with single parenting in a relationship. When I broke up with him he came clean that he was a gambler, all the funds I loaned were for his gambling, and all his stories were a lie.
During the split, he didn’t handle it well and there were many threats against me.
Mediation was a disaster. I felt ambushed into submission. I didn’t have it in me then to even find out my rights but despite all that and who he was to me, I knew my daughter was safe so I focused on self-healing. We are still 50/50.
I am now married, also have a 3-year-old son and my daughter has said many times over the last few years that she wants my new last name.
In the past, I would say ‘oh honey I’d love for us to share surnames! But I know that your daddy loves that you have his last name and that was what you were born with’ something around those lines over the years. Today she said it to me again but when I asked why: she said she wants our name bc she wants to be the same as us (in our house).
I told her that one day when she is older if she wants to change her name that she can do it.
She said her dad will be upset and that scares her so I told her how her dad changed his surname from his dad’s to his mum’s 20 years ago so people can change their name if they want to. One friend tells me that if she wants it then I should change it and screw him (I honestly don’t want to do that as it would create too much angst.)
My other friend told me I’m a jerk and manipulative for planting these seeds and she’ll get married one day and change it then so it won’t matter, and if my daughter tells him I told her that he changed his name that he’s going to lose it (likely will). Should I have shut my mouth? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you need to seriously rethink your friendship with the ‘friend’ who’s just taking it for granted she’ll take her husband’s last name someday because dude (I assume he’s a dude, anyway) is letting his misogyny show.
It’s not your ex’s name anymore. It’s hers. She 100% gets to decide what she wants to do with it when she’s old enough to make that call for herself. Although frankly, given that she’s been firm for years now that this is what she wants, I honestly think you might want to consider going back to court so you can go ahead and let her without needing to worry about your ex’s reaction.
Especially when if you think there’s even a chance he’ll get dangerous over this, the 50/50 arrangement really doesn’t seem like a good idea, and she’s getting to the point where her wishes should carry weight in these rulings.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your daughter is still young but she has wanted this for years. If you are uncomfortable with it now, then tell her that she can do it when she is X years old (I’d say around 13-15) when her opinion will matter much more in case it becomes a legal issue.
Your ex honestly sounds like a piece of work and if your daughter feels that unsafe with her father just by the prospect of changing her last name then something should be done sooner rather than later.” Shy_guy_Ras
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and unless there is a law that says a woman has to take her husband’s last name when they marry, your friend is 100% wrong.
I will never understand why women take their husbands’ last names. Smash the patriarchy and keep your own name, your husband doesn’t own you.
The fact your daughter is afraid of her father is a very good reason to get an attorney and see if the custody agreement can be modified and if not, find out how old she has to be to decide for herself.
In the US in most stages, it is at age 14.” SeaWitch1031
5. AITJ For Telling My Bio Dad To Screw Off?
“A little back story, this man was in my life altogether for less than 4 years never consistently – I’m 17 currently – he was unfaithful toward my mother and on occasions, I remember being in the car whilst he was on his way to see his partner or whatever they were. My mum has always been very naïve and desperate to keep trying at relationships even when she knows they’re not in her best interest. Anyways he disappeared for around 8yrs (he and my mum got a divorce) and he reappeared and remarried. I never had an invite to the wedding nor knew where he was at any point in those years and grew very accustomed to him not being around.
I have both mommy and daddy issues and all I used to feel was hatred towards him but now I couldn’t care if he lived or died. He has no meaning in my life.
A few months ago he came pounding on my mum’s door (it was just me at home) with his children (I don’t consider them siblings of mine. I understand it’s not their fault he’s their father but I know if anything were to happen to them I wouldn’t feel a type of way like I would for others).
Anyways I told him to basically screw off and that he needs to go back to his wife and he isn’t allowed to show up randomly and ask to stay in his ex-wife’s home. It isn’t normal and I do not want him in my home. (My mum said I shouldn’t have said what I did but she’s not upset with me for it), anyways I refused to let him inside and eventually he had to drive back to his home (in a completely different city).
He later texted me trying to guilt-trip me? That he thinks I never want to see him again (which is correct he would be a ridiculous moron to think otherwise) and I never responded.
I’ve been told by many people that I was too harsh but I just don’t want him in my space. I do not trust him and he’s a bad person (he’s done so much that I don’t want to share just in case…) but the main point is that he’s a crappy person.
So AITJ for turning my ‘dad’ away?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a parent’s job to maintain the relationship, not a child’s. To be missing from your life for years and then demand to be let in the door unannounced shows that your father is self-centered, lacks empathy, and has no sense of or respect for basic boundaries. You are right that this is not normal, and you deserve consistent positive people in your life.
Ignore other people’s opinions on this one, including your mom’s. Your relationship with your dad is your decision.” NayNay_Cee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He lost any right to any respect years ago with his treatment of you & your mum.
I don’t agree with the whole adage that parents & elders should be respected. Respect needs to be earned and it doesn’t appear that he’s earned it.
I think you needed to be blunt to him so he got the message that he isn’t welcome. Him being your father doesn’t give him any rights to you or your life.” Scarlettohara1605
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he doesn’t get to rock up and expect to stay with his kids on a whim. You were exactly right in what you said and he needed to hear it, your mother & your home are not his safety net whenever he wants.
He’s a grown man with a family that he decided a long time ago doesn’t include you unless it suits him, so now you get to decide that your family doesn’t include him just because he decides to show up out of the blue.” Kindly-Platform-2193
4. AITJ For Telling My Mom And Her Husband I Can't Wait To Leave Their House?
“When I (16M) was 5 my mom (34F) had an affair and left me and my dad (35M) for a wealthier man. For 2 years, I only saw my mom like 4 or 5 times (I can’t even remember but not more than that) then she disappeared and didn’t contact us again, I even thought that she was dead.
I think my dad thought it was too much responsibility for him or was angry at my mom, and somehow wanted to take everything that reminded him of her away so he sent me to live with my maternal aunt and I only saw him like two or three times a month (for half an hour).
Unfortunately, my aunt died of cancer last year, I thought my dad would take me in but he’s busy with his new family (wife and kids).
My grandma (dad’s mother) wanted to take me but then my egg donor came out of the blue to take me.
When she came to take me, it was the first time I saw her in 9 years and it felt weird and it sucked that she hugged me and kissed me as if nothing happened in those 9 years. She married the man she left us for and they now have three kids (10M, 8F, and 7F).
I’ve been living with them for 6 months now and I spend most of the time in my room (since we are in another city 6 hours away and I have no friends here), we rarely speak. She tries to talk to me but I ignore her and her husband, they try to include me in activities but it sucks seeing them play the perfect family when I missed everything as a child so I don’t really like them.
Her husband tries to make me call him ‘dad’, he tries to spend time with me and talk to me, he knows I love tennis so he learned about it and has listed me in tennis lessons and wants to talk about it all the time he sees me, he even wants to take me to some matches.
He introduces me as his son and I hate it since all I see is the guy that stole my mom from me when I needed her the most. It happened yesterday, he asked me to go with him to the grocery store, and then he met a friend of his and as his friend hasn’t seen me in any family photo, he asked about me and then my mom’s husband said: ‘He is my firstborn, you didn’t know about him because he was living with a sister of my wife’s.’
I didn’t make a scene there but when we got out, I told him to never say he is my father, he is just a home-wrecker who stole my mom.
We got home and he told my mom then my mom (almost crying) said: ‘You hate us that much, don’t you?’ so I said ‘Of course, You left me and now you want to act like nothing happened by playing the happy family, tbh I can’t wait to turn 18 and leave and I’m not sure if I ever want to see you again.’
She started crying and her husband comforted her, so I just went to my room, they tried to talk to me but I’ve just ignored them, I told a friend of mine about this and he says I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There has been no adjustment and no conversations between you all about how this was going to work. It was extremely naïve of your mom to think you’d slot in and be super happy to be back ‘home’.
You have questions. That’s completely natural. I think it’s time for a conversation. Just you and her. Write a list of them to help you focus. Why did you leave? Why didn’t you get me back earlier? Did you know my dad was useless too? Why are you back now? Anything and everything you have ever wanted to know. And sit and talk to her.
Don’t include anyone else at this point. Then go to therapy. Just for yourself. You’ve been through a lot. Your family are all jerks. Maybe you can go back to your grandmother’s if that’s an option.” Heraonolympia123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you went through was a nightmare and the idea, the audacity, that this woman thinks she can play the perfect mother when you were left alone for NINE YEARS – and she knew!
She knew where you were, who you were with, and NOTHING could stop her from seeing you, heck the courts would’ve pushed for visitation at the very least if it was a court issue!
You’re grieving for the woman that raised you, you are with the spineless coward that is your birth mother who abandoned you, and her boy toy who is forcing a relationship on you, and your father straight up dropped you.
Every adult in your life, in one way or another, has failed you.
I am so sorry for you – It doesn’t mean much, but my sympathies remain. I do hope that one day you can handle your anger because don’t mistake it – it’s earned, you are owed that, but this will eat at you if you let it fester. They need to respect that you need time to grieve, to process the situation, and if they actually want to fix things with you, GET YOU HELP.
If not, they are not worth the time of day or the air they breathe, and you know where you stand.” SagittaTempus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. There is no way you could be. You’ve had a horrible hand dealt to you in regards to your parents.
That said, it sounds like your stepfather is trying. He’s obviously got it all wrong, but there’s the possibility of an ally for you there.
Sit down with him and talk. Let him know how you’re feeling and your expectations. You don’t want him as a dad, and that’s understandable and respectable. However, if you and he can end up on the same team, then he can help when your mother is being unreasonable. (which it sounds like happens a lot).
A lot of people have mentioned the possibility that you actually are the biological son of your stepfather.
This seems very plausible. Finding that out may help you understand why your dad didn’t want you in his life. That doesn’t mean that you suddenly need to accept this man as your father, either.
There’s also a good possibility that your mom has been keeping him away from you in the past. I’ve seen posts where children are mad at their steps for keeping them from their parents just to find out that the steps didn’t even know they existed.
Basically, my whole comment boils down to this: set boundaries with your stepfather, as he seems reasonable. You may end up friends, or just roommates who can stand each other. Both options seem better than feeling like you’re stuck on your own.” meow_witch
3. AITJ For Saying I'm Thankful For My Mom On Thanksgiving?
“My mom and dad are divorced and they switch holidays, meaning thanksgiving with dad, Christmas with mom, and vice versa.
My dad treated my mom horribly while they were married, so she left when I was a baby.
I’ve heard stories from both sides but I’m used to my dad lying so I believe my mom more in these types of situations.
I am still pretty young but I’ve decided to come out to my family, well actually my brother did it for me without my permission. But besides that. My dad has been teasing me since I came out as bi and being very homophobic.
While my mom has been a saint.
So for Thanksgiving, we went down to Memphis (where my dad is from) to visit my gg (grandmother).
I basically dislike that whole side of the family, they are very old and I don’t like their opinions and rules for children.
Anyways for thanksgiving dinner, a couple of family members came by and my dad was being extra rude and ‘showy’ for his parenting skills (which aren’t that good).
He was treating me like crap, so while we were going around the table saying what we were thankful for, I said ‘my mom’. My dad gave me a stone look then we moved on. During dessert he told me I couldn’t have any because I am diabetic, I rolled my eyes and had dessert.
My dad still sometimes talks crap about my mom even though they don’t even talk.
He’s been ticked off since but won’t say anything, to protect his ‘masculinity’. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
OP said that their dad’s side of the family treats them like crap. You have a right to have opinions that dad may not agree on.
OP also said that their dad talks crap about their mother in front of them, to me that seems almost like their dad is trying to manipulate them to ‘like’ him more.
Overall this family doesn’t seem very supportive. I say when you turn old enough think about cutting contact if they don’t start to value your opinions and don’t start to respect you like a normal human being.” While_Cute
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But honestly, neither your mum nor your dad should be telling you any stories about how awful the other parent was when they were together.
That’s incredibly inappropriate. The technical term is ‘parental alienation’ and it’s something family courts do not take kindly to as it can be incredibly damaging to the children.
I’m not saying your dad isn’t a jerk, he definitely sounds like it. And I’m not saying your mum is wrong. But some things shouldn’t be discussed with children.” miasabine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can be grateful for whatever you like. You don’t have the best relationship with your father and he has not been there for you and supported you during one of the most important periods of your life. You and your mother have a good relationship and she supports you and treats you as she should. It is great that you acknowledge her.” Various-Bridge-325
2. AITJ For Not Mowing My Lawn?
“I’m a homeowner. I have a lovely 700 sq ft fairy tale cottage on a postage stamp of land by a lake.
It’s not huge or luxurious, but it is mine and I’m very proud of it. I’m also a bit of a tree-hugger. Even the tiniest insects are important to our ecosystem. I don’t use pesticides, don’t pull weeds, don’t use artificial fertilizers, and, well, I don’t mow the lawn.
Constant mowing destroys microhabitats that invertebrates and small animals need to live.
It kills ‘weeds’ that benefit pollinators and provide food & shelter for many important insects, ergo, I do not mow.
Recently, I received an anonymous note in my mailbox telling me to ‘take a machete to that jungle’ and then last week, a neighbor came over with cookies to check on me and see if I was okay. Her reasoning being that I’m ‘neglecting the property’ and she wanted to make sure I wasn’t ill or hurt.
I have NOT neglected my property. I’ve extensively renovated the exterior of my house – new siding, a freshly painted front door, a new porch, and a newly painted chimney. I just don’t mow my lawn.
I explained that I don’t mow because I care about the ecosystem and detailed the benefits of not mowing for our bug & critter friends. She got huffy & said ‘the neighborhood is talking about it and folks are mad, I’m trying to be nice and ask you to mow so that you don’t hear about it from someone else who won’t be as friendly.’
That felt… threatening, I guess? I got a bit curt and told her I won’t be mowing, and since I’ll be constructing raised garden beds all over my front yard this summer, there won’t be much grass left anyway. This was the wrong answer. She was NOT happy, pivoted, and insisted I keep the ‘nice grass’ and asked why I’d ‘ruin my yard like that’ when I can grow my vegetables in the back like everyone else.
I thanked her for the cookies, said I had to get started on dinner, and showed her the door.
I have since received a new note saying I’m making the neighborhood look bad and inviting burglars because my home looks abandoned.
My mother thinks I’m the jerk and should mow to keep the peace and make it look ‘nice’ for the neighbors. My father, a man who is VERY proud of his manicured green lawn, surprisingly thinks it’s hilarious and suggested I put out a sign declaring my yard a private nature preserve as a screw you to the wannabe lawn cops.
I’m torn, because I do think my neighbor meant well, but I have zero desire to mow for the reasons mentioned above. I don’t care if a few stuffy old folks don’t like it. It’s not hurting them and I’m doing my part to protect an oft-overlooked part of our ecosystem by giving bugs food and shelter they’re not getting elsewhere in the neighborhood.
Before any legal types chime in, my neighborhood doesn’t have an HOA (thank god, because they’re evil) and I’ve checked & re-checked landscaping/turf ordinances in my area, and none require that lawns be mowed or kept at a certain length.
So, AITJ for refusing to mow?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She’s being a nosey person who probably only cares about property values and stuff like that.
Some people also do like seeing neat stuff.
You have the right to have your lawn how you want. But others have noted how really long lawns can bring worse things (ticks, snakes, etc.). Maybe as a compromise, you could just do a trim for the yard every couple of weeks. Not so much a full-on down to the dirt cut, but leave a couple of inches.
Also, you can leave the clippings on the ground as that helps the dirt and provides shelter and such for insects and such. (So I have heard) that way you have a natural lawn that won’t make your house look abandoned or unkempt, but you also keep the longer grass that you like.
Or heck. Just mow the border of your lawn that surrounds your house and the border that surrounds other lawns or whatever it touches.
I want to do that so much rather than cut grass.” benx101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your neighbors may well have practical as well as aesthetic concerns. And you are right to care about pollinators, but frankly, you sound pretty full of yourself for someone who is brand new to the neighborhood. I just moved to the country 2 years ago, and I also hate all pesticides.
Long grasses and lawns invite damp, ticks, chipmunks, mosquitos, spiders, and mice. Ticks will bite you like crazy and can make you ill. Spider bites are horrible. Chipmunks and mice will infiltrate everything they can. Last year I didn’t mow or rake much and I had a lot of all of these issues. It was quite HORRIBLE.
This year I am mowing, raking, and addressing mosquitos (naturally) and I have far fewer problems. I am planting a bee-supporting lawn, lots of flower beds with perennials, and also planted tons of native pollinator plants.
Echoing what others say and saying do your research. Support the correct plants, but be aware that random overgrowth brings its own issues. And be nice and gentle with your neighbors, in a self-interested way you may need them in the future, or just, in general, it’s nice to not have tension where you live. You have things to learn from these folks.” Radiantmouser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d be willing to bet the notes are from the same neighbor who approached you too, based upon her reaction to your comment about turning it into a raised bed garden. She probably wants to make it seem like the whole neighborhood agrees with her. There’s probably a couple, but a lot of people who chose to live in more secluded places tend to be live and let live types.
I’m petty and would probably not only do the raised beds but put gravel/mulch in between so it’s lower maintenance, which would tick her off more since there would be no grass left. If you do it right it would still look very nice.” opinionswelcomehere
1. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Wife For Not Packing My Lunch?
“The other day I (29m) overslept for work. It was completely my fault; I’d stayed up too late binging a series and slept through my alarm. I’d woken up about 30 minutes later than I should have. There is almost no worse feeling than realizing that you’ve overslept so I woke up in a panic.
I almost immediately called my boss to let him know that I was running late and then began a frantic effort to get ready for work as quickly as possible.
My wife (28f) doesn’t always remember day to day when I have to be at work since my starting time varies by a few hours, so she didn’t necessarily know that I was running late until I called up to her and told her.
As I was about to jump in the shower I yelled up to her and asked her ‘Hon; I’m running late. I really need you to quickly throw a lunch together for me. Just a sandwich and some fruit and chips and a couple of bottles of pop.’ She called down ‘no’ and I yelled back up ‘Please? Just this once help me out?’
Here’s the thing; my wife has some weird hang-up about packing lunches for me. She grew up in a family where her father always expected her mother to pack his lunch for him and according to her he was kind of entitled about it, so while my wife doesn’t mind cooking dinner for me or doing my laundry (not that I always expect it) she just has a problem with packing a lunch for me as it makes her feel like too much of a servant.
I don’t totally get it, but it’s her thing and it’s never been a big deal before the other day. I just always pack my own lunch.
However, even after asking this one time when I came upstairs, I found that my lunch cooler was empty. I looked over at my wife who was just sitting on the couch on her phone and said ‘Really?
Were you too busy?’ She answered ‘Pack your own lunch. It’s not my job.’ She only works part-time and it absolutely beyond ticked me off to watch her sitting there leisurely scrolling through her phone while she knew I was stressed and scrambling. I just left without a lunch and had to buy food from the vending machine to get me through the day.
When I got home I was still annoyed and we got into a huge fight. She told me that I knew her boundary about packing a lunch for me. I told her that she could have put her hang-up aside that one time to help me out.
Edit:
1.) We both do housework. I won’t say it’s completely split down the middle; she probably does more laundry, cooking, and dishes than I do, but I do that stuff fairly often as well and we both clean at about equal rates.
I also do more of the yardwork.
2.) People think my wife may have some childhood ‘trauma’ about this. I probably didn’t explain it well, but it’s not nearly to that level. Her father is a decent guy; she’d tell you that herself. It just kind of got under her skin watching her mom always pack his lunch and him not seeming to appreciate it much.
3.) I could technically have food delivered there, but given the location and where I am in the building, it’s just more of a pain than it’s worth.
4.) Finally, I understand that it was my fault that I overslept. I’m not blaming anyone else. It’s very rare for me, but this one time I just let myself get too caught up in what I was watching.
What upset me, though, is that if my wife overslept and was stressed and frantic I would have helped her out in any way possible to get her out the door as fast as possible, even if it would have just saved her two minutes. I wouldn’t have sat with my feet up playing video games and just watched her struggle. That’s my side of it, while hers is that she’s just not going to ever pack me a lunch and I know that and that’s that.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She has set a firm boundary for valid reasons, and you think she should just jump at your command anyway because YOU overslept due to staying up all night?
I would be sympathetic, but you did not even have the courtesy to respectfully approach her and ask, ‘Honey, I know you don’t like to pack lunches, but could you please throw something together just this once because I’m running late?’ Literally would have added 2 minutes to your morning.
Your boss knew you’d be late. What difference do you think two minutes would make?
No, you yelled up at her from a different room that you really need her to make a lunch. You didn’t even use the word please until she refused.
And I guarantee if she did do it for you, it would have set a precedent that she should continue to do it anytime you’re running late.” slinkypotato19
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but it’s mostly because you held a petty grudge.
You admitted you overslept after binging a series. If you were already up late…why not prep lunch ahead of time to take away the stress in the morning? Or since you’d already called your boss that you’d be late—why not take the 5 minutes to make your lunch instead of getting into a childish fight about it?
You knew this was a hang-up for her. It may be weird to you but it’s justifiable for her. She’s allowed to hate an activity that she sees as a controlling action from her past.
Sure she could have done it for you as a one-off thing. But she may be mentally justifying that if she gave in once you’d expect it every time you overslept.
And then she’d be in a position she told herself she’d never allow herself to be in.
You need to sit down with her and apologize for getting aggressive and fighting over it. You held a grudge over a very petty and small thing. And it’s on you. That’s hard to say but it’s all your fault. Tell her you understand you were out of line but that you had hoped she would help out once but that you respect she made her choice.
Because again; this was all on you.
Watching series > stayed up late > overslept > ran late > called boss you’d be late.” Terra88draco
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain with an ESH.
On the one hand, she made it absolutely clear that she wouldn’t be packing your lunch. It’s not a ‘weird hang-up.’ The part where you don’t ‘always’ expect her to do your laundry is an interesting choice of words.
That said, marriage is a partnership and I, personally, would have wanted to help my husband if he was stressed out and running late. It wouldn’t feel right to sit on my phone.
But I’m not your wife. Your wife said she doesn’t make lunches and she stood by it. You can only get so angry about something you were told was going to happen when you got married.
All of this was your actions and the resulting consequences.” Effective-Slice-4819
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with YTJ but more information could sway me to everyone sucks. Your description takes no ownership of you doing nothing and places no value on her time or her issues.
Do you often expect her to pick up the slack? Do you often stay up late like that? My husband stays up late for TV/gaming and I am far more likely to help out if he had to stay up late for work or other household chores than if he played Fallout until 4 am.
What are her obligations? It sounds like you don’t value her time at all. Her scrolling through her phone isn’t any less valuable than you binge-watching a show. Both are wastes of time and purely for entertainment.
What is involved in making lunches? I usually make my husband’s when I do mine because it only adds on a few minutes. Making lunch would only add on time equivalent to 1-2 red lights.
We do prep work on the weekend.” DisciplineCertain397
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