People Really Want To Know, "Am I The Jerk?"
16. WIBTJ For Causing A Co-Worker To Lose His Job For Taking My Phone?
“I work in the technology department with around 10 other people. About a week ago, one of the computers shut down and we couldn’t get it repaired for around another month and it would take about a day or two to get our backups read. It was a particularly busy day and we needed everyone to be ready.
My manager decided to have the guy (23M), lets name him Rob (short for Robber), Share a workspace with me. I use my phone a lot during work (mainly to listen to music and transfer files). I made sure that Rob and my manager were ok with that before we started working. They both said it was fine and we kept going on with our day.
I rarely go anywhere without my phone and I rarely forget it. When lunch time came around, I went to the lounge room to grab my food, leaving my phone in my backpack next to my chair. When I came back after lunch, I reached into my bag to grab it and it wasn’t there.
Me: Did you take my phone?
Rob: No! You brought it to the lounge with you. Maybe you just forgot it?
Me: I highly doubt that I lost it.
Rob: Why would I take it?
Me: I don’t know?
I went on about my day without my phone. When I got home, I go on my home laptop and look at Find My iPhone.
It said that my phone was at my desk. I drove back to the office because it wasn’t that far away from my house. I went to my desk, and when I walked in, I saw Rob sitting there setting up a green iPhone 13 with a clear case, a single crack in the center, and a bunch of scratch marks on the corners.
Just like mine. I confronted him about it.
Me: What the heck, dude?
Rob: What are you doing here? I thought you went home. (Said this while putting the phone in his pocket.)
Me: Why do you have my phone?
Rob: I’m sorry. I would have given it back, but I just broke mine, and I don’t have enough saved up to get a new one and to pay for rent.
I just took my phone and left. I had to reset the phone and log back into all of my accounts.
I later got a text from him begging me not to tell administration. I asked a bunch of co-workers about it, and they said I shouldn’t do it, and he had a good cause.
WIBTJ If I told on him and got him fired?”
Another User Comments:
“He didn’t break his phone. He was snooping to see what you had on yours. Get him fired TODAY.
But, for simplicity, let’s be charitable. Everything he said is true (it’s not). So he went into your bag, stole your phone, lied about it, held on to it until you left, got it out and was messing with it.
When confronted, he admits to theft and lying, then he asks you not to tell. Because that’s what people do when they have nothing to hide.
Now, in reality, he thinks you’ve got something interesting on your phone. Contacts, pics, videos, super awesome playlists, or maybe just files from the company. Doesn’t matter.
He spent the evening after you left trying to get access. Then he got busted.
Yep. He’s a liability to the company. An uncharitable read of the situation is that he’s spying on you, or he’s trying to send files outside of the company to get you fired since they “came from your phone”.
Get him fired.
NTJ.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“What the heck?!
You asked your co-workers and they said DON’T report him because he had a good cause to STEAL YOUR PHONE?!?!?!!? Did I read that correctly?!
So they would be okay if Rob ended up robbing them and taking their stuff cause he couldn’t afford it on his own?
What kind of circus do you work at? Are your fellow employees all on parole for theft cause that is the only way this comment would make sense.
How did Rob text you if he no longer has a phone – steal someone else’s?
NTJ – Turn him in. He WILL do it again if he gets away with it once, he’ll do it again.
You are enabling and inviting him to continue to do it if you DON’T report it. Maybe if you report it (and this is the only time he’s done something like this), it will scare him enough not to do so again. Heck, if you REALLY wanted to make him squirm, you could tell him that you will file a police report.
Your co-workers are the jerks though.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, uh what is his “good cause” for stealing your property and then lying about it? I would love to hear your coworkers’ reasoning for saying that. If they believe that they can give him their phones to have. There are cheap phones he could get that would still leave him plenty to pay for rent.
Yes, you need to report him for this. This isn’t something minor like borrowing a pen without asking. This was him deliberately stealing a phone from his coworker, lying about it when confronted, attempting to wipe the phone for him to use, hiding it when caught with it, then giving excuses when he was caught.
This is exactly the type of thing that should be reported. If it costs him his job then so be it. Rob shouldn’t have been a thief. If he desperately needed a phone after breaking his maybe he could have asked around to see if anyone had an old phone they weren’t using or were about to get a new one and could give him their old one.
Also if his phone is broken how did he text you? Was his phone broken but still able to function? Did he borrow one from someone else? I’m not trying to assume stuff but that’s just making me wonder.” SarcasticAzaleaRose
15. AITJ For Putting A GPS Tracker In My 15-Year-Old Daughter's Car?
“I have a daughter who is 15 years old and recently got her instruction/learner’s permit after she took a summer driver’s ed course and passed the written exam. In my state, the learner’s permit has a driving restriction in that the child must have a licensed adult (21 or older) in the front passenger seat with them at all times, no exceptions.
She has to hold this learner’s permit for at least 1 year before she can move up to a restricted license at 16 years old.
We bought her a car during the summer so that she can have a familiar car to practice in with us while having her learner’s permit. This will be the same car she will use once she gets her license.
The problem is that she has been driving this car by herself without our permission or even informing us. Sometimes we leave our daughter home alone for a few hours so that we can go to the store or on a date, etc. and she has been secretly driving when we are not home (she has her own key and we have the spare).
I found out after noticing the discrepancy in the miles on her car. We scolded her and told her that it was illegal for her to drive on her own, and we started outlining the tires with chalk so that we know if she uses the car or not.
However, the chalk does not actually stop her from taking the car out.
It only lets us know afterward if she did. So she still kept using the car and would shrug us off afterward. I don’t want her breaking the law and I’m terrified of her driving on her own with so little experience (although she seems to be doing fine as the car has no damage) so I secretly installed a GPS tracking device in the car.
We then secretly pretended to leave and waited until we noticed that the car’s location changed. I immediately called my daughter and yelled at her telling her that she needed to come home now. She came back and we got into a huge screaming fight that ended up in tears. She screamed that I was a controlling mother and was invading her privacy and that this was her car since we bought it for her so we had no right to secretly install the tracker without her permission.
I talked to someone else about it and they did say I took the wrong approach and that it was wrong of me to install the tracker and that I should’ve done something else. I would’ve taken the key back but she refuses to give it to me and I don’t know where she keeps it.
AITJ for secretly installing a GPS tracker in my daughter’s car?”
Another User Comments:
“As you explain the story, we see that it’s more of a last resort, that you’ve repeatedly told her that she must not drive the car solo, and that she’s repeatedly and wilfully ignoring you and your partner.
“I would’ve taken the key back but she refuses to give it to me and I don’t know where she keeps it.”
Why on earth are you letting her dictate to you like that? She’s a minor living in your home who’s repeatedly breaking the law. It’s not her car, it is a car that you own (whose name’s on the paperwork? Exactly) which she can use with permission and with an adult in the car.
If she cannot live by those rules, you can sell the car.
She does not need a car; she is extremely lucky to have parents prepared to buy one that she can use, and she is demonstrating that she does not have the maturity to be trusted with the key. She is inexperienced, driving without a license or insurance (because any insurance is not going to be valid when she drives solo, is it), and the reason that the law insists there’s an adult in the car is that young drivers like that lack the experience and judgment to drive safely.
Your daughter has no argument here because she is breaking the law every time she drives alone.
Right now – your daughter is repeatedly breaking the law, and you enabling that by leaving her in a position where she’s able to take the car like that.
ESH.” ieya404
Another User Comments:
“I was ready to say you were, but no. ESH.
What she is doing is not only illegal, but she is technically uninsured. She is opening herself up to a world of trouble if she were to get pulled over or in an accident.
I think the best solution here would be to take all copies of the car keys and lock them up in a lock box that only you and your partner have access to.
Or, sell her car. She has proven she can’t be trusted. If she wants a car, she can get a job and start saving to buy one herself.
Edit to Judgement. From NTJ to ESH. Given how OP is not really parenting their child and just keeps letting the daughter get away with this kind of behavior with no consequences, is just mind-blowing.
SELL THE CAR.” Emotional_Fan_7011
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you installed a tracker on your car that you own because your daughter can’t follow rules. Personally, I feel that was a waste of time as was the chalk.
The first time she did it, she should have lost access to the car and the learners should have been canceled. She is breaking the law and when she causes serious damage while driving illegally and with your knowledge, then there is going to be a whole lot of liability going on.
Get rid of the license and sell the car. Because at this point she DNGAF about what you think and what you have to say so she will continue to do what she wants. She is not responsible enough to be behind the wheel of a car. No car available, problem solved. The rest of the world is safe from her not caring.
And while she is telling me that she refuses to give you the keys to the car that she owns, I have a question . . .
Does she still have her phone and all her privileges? If so . . . why?” OldMammaSpeaks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for the tracker, that was smart. YTJ for raising such an entitled brat.
The first time she took the car out alone should have been the last time she had access to the keys. If you take away her keys, she cannot take the car without permission. If she tries, longer time between uses.
Newsflash: she is breaking the law, but that won’t save you if she does get into an accident.
YOU will legally be responsible for the damage she causes, or the deaths. As she is an unemancipated minor, it is not “her car.” It is your car that you are planning to dedicate to her use. Might want to rethink that.” Attorney26
14. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Sister's Twins?
“Basically, I have a career and my own (very busy) life and from time to time my sister comes to visit me and live in my house.
She has twins (both 10M) and they are an UNBEARABLE MENACE. They have literally zero attention span, and they have no interests, I have tried everything, from trying to find something that interests them (e.g. programming in Scratch, watching movies, playing video games etc.), I’ve tried to get them to exercise but in a fun playful way, nothing, all they do for hours is jump around and endlessly watch Tik Tok videos and Youtube shorts.
Obviously, I’ve told all this to my sister before and I’ve recommended that the kids see a specialist because I believe this is somewhat concerning behavior. And I’m not the only one saying this btw. Their grades are massively suffering and teachers have also recommended that they visit a specialist.
My sister obviously does not help at all.
She hasn’t taken her children to visit the specialist. Whenever she visits me she always dumps her children on me and then goes out for hours partying (she has broken up with her ex [34M] because he was abusive, and I was there for her and commended her for standing up to him).
Yesterday I couldn’t take it anymore and when she came to dump her children again, I told her that I’m simply too tired to watch after the children.
She looked very angrily at me and said “You’re single and basically have no responsibilities other than your job, you CAN’T be as tired as I am so obviously you have to watch after your nephews”. This angered me and I basically told her to shut the heck up (I regret it now) and that she can’t dictate whether I’m not tired or not, and that I have a full time job only to come home most of the time when she’s around and watch after her children while she is out partying.
She left after that and hasn’t spoken to me since yesterday. I’ve spoken with my mother (59F) and she thinks that AITA and that I should apologize to my sister. While I want to apologize for my choice of words, I don’t think that I should be saddled every day with my sister’s children. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is an attitude I am tired of – that because someone doesn’t have children that their time has no value. That only people with children are allowed to be busy or tired or whatever. And this happens both in personal and business spaces. Your time is just as valuable as hers is, whether you have kids or not.
Also, you are not obligated to be her eternal, unpaid babysitter service just because you are related to her. You were never asked if you wanted the kids, but you are expected to drop everything and take care of them at the drop of a hat.
Basically, these are her kids, they are her responsibility.
There will be times when she will have to either pay for a babysitter or just not go partying like every other parent. And, if this is a problem for your mother, your mother can volunteer to babysit herself.
Yes, your choice of words was unfortunate, but your sister hasn’t listened to you when you were being polite, so you were left with no choice but to be rude.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had twin boys and another son who was two years older. They ARE exhausting though hers sound extra. She has no right to pawn those kids off on anyone who doesn’t agree to watch them, you didn’t give birth to twins, why is it YOUR responsibility to watch them?
I do wonder though if the kids have ADD or any other condition versus lazy parenting and she just lets them watch videos as a babysitting device.
Do you see her take an active role when she’s with them, does she e have them in any activities? My kids got video time AFTER playing outside or playing with other kids, playing with Legos, etc. it was a very limited and set time they were allowed to watch tv/play video games. There has to be limits!
However, none of this is the kid’s fault they are like this, they need more parental involvement and less video screen time. I feel bad for them. Either way it’s not your problem, if you are feeling generous and offer to watch them, that’s a different matter than her thinking she has the right to drop them off whenever she feels like it.
You need to set this boundary now, make it clear she can’t just show up unannounced and drop off her kids and do NOT waver. Stick to your guns, your sister is taking advantage of you.” GiddyGabby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yes, offer your sister a sincere apology for your poor choice of words, but re-affirm that you are setting boundaries on how much child care you do.
“No” is a complete sentence. It really doesn’t matter if your sister is more tired than you are; they are her kids, and her superior fatigue levels do not entitle her to free babysitting from you. She chose her responsibilities, and you have a right to choose how you spend your time.
If you’re still willing to help, stress that your sister must pre-arrange babysitting at least a week in advance.
One evening for 3 hours and one-weekend interval of 3 hrs would still be a huge help to most single parents as it would allow them one “friends night out” and a shopping trip or “me time” without kids. That would also be at least $100 of free babysitting a week which is a pretty nice monetary gift to your sis.
Maybe tell her that you can re-visit how much you’re willing to watch the kids IF she takes them to a specialist and gets them set up with a behavior plan.” DevilSilver
13. AITJ For Abandoning My Partner At An Amusement Park?
“So I (22m) have been seeing this girl (21f) for almost a year now. My housemates and I decided we wanted to go to an amusement park.
My gf happened to have that day off and wanted to spend it with me. While I have been seeing her for close to a year, I have known her since high school. I know she has a fear of heights. Before we left I explained to her that we were getting on all the biggest rides and that I would rather stay home than not get on the rides.
She said it wouldn’t be a problem for her.
Fast forward and we’re here now. We get on the first ride and even though she is nervous everything goes fine. The next ride comes up and she starts hyperventilating while waiting in line. I leave the line with her and get her something to drink.
When she calmed down I got back in line. We had fast passes we weren’t using because of her so I was able to catch up with my housemates. When I found my girl afterward she was talking to a couple I didn’t know. I could look at her and can tell she had been crying.
The man walks up to me and whispered in my ear “what kind of man abandons his girl when she needs you?” I thought this was disrespectful, but I let it go and started toward the next ride.
On the way my gf told me she couldn’t do it and started apologizing. I told her it was fine and not to worry about it.
Once we got to the ride she held our phones and waited for us to get off. This repeats until we get something to eat and we left. She looked annoyed as we left but said nothing was wrong so I didn’t think much of it. Once I dropped her off at home she went off on me.
She said that when she got out of the second line I should have stayed with her and not gotten on any rides. We argued for maybe 5 minutes before I left. I need unbiased opinions. Aitj?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love Rollercoasters. My husband hates Rollercoasters so when I took my kids to Disney wold last year he just stayed home.
I was so excited for the rides. My son got on one Rollercoaster, the slinky dog ride it was literally the first ride we did. And that was it for him, it took a ton of convincing to even get him on the slow rides like the teacups after that. Which meant I didn’t get to ride anything more thrilling than the teacups either since leaving a 9 year old alone on a bench, so I can ride a rollercoaster is frowned upon and nobody else needed to miss out because of him (although my sister and her partner offered to take turns with staying with him, I didn’t want to ruin their fun)
So when we went to Disneyland this year I made my husband/kids’ dad go too so someone would be there to sit with him and I wouldn’t have to miss out on the rides. I paid for 3-day tickets they wound up not even going to the park on the second day and only went for an hour on the third day.
So now I’m like ok they just won’t be invited anymore it will just be me and my daughters who go. And that makes me feel like a jerk too, but dang.
Why is it ok and not jerk behavior to ask someone to miss out on something you know they enjoy and want to do just because you don’t like it.” TruCat87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She invited herself, was warned and should have stayed home. And she complained to strangers. Instead of going on rides she could have brought a book or found activities within the park to do herself. It’s what happens when a non-rider joins a rider at an amusement park. You spend the day alone or bailing out of lines.
She assumed you would stop hanging with your friends and cater to her needs. She probably wanted you to spend time with her instead.
You should have said no. My friends and I have plans. Take her another time.
No is okay even in a relationship. No – I have plans with friends so we’ll have to do something another time.
No, you can’t come along, I was invited by friends and it’s just us going. Not today, I have plans for the big rides so let’s plan another time to do something. Use your big boy words next time and say no.” AdorableTechnology39
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you were considerate enough already and took her fears and emotions into consideration before committing to going.
She went ahead and said she was fine with it. Aaand then she got hurt that you didn’t read her mind after she went back on her word.
At least she gets brownie points for waiting till you got home and not making a scene in public. Talk it out with her and explain that it wasn’t ok, it is a little untrustworthy to flip flop with her opinions, and frankly a little self-centered. She was thinking only of her feelings, and that’s ok but not in a relationship.
Explain the situation to her from your pov and see if she understands that it’s okay for her to stay in her comfort zone, but she has to accept that you can do things separately and if she can’t be an active participant, then a passive one would be ok too(In this situation take pics, buy snacks, go and explore around) if she wants to be included. My man for example plays online with friends a couple of hours a day, and I have told him that so long as he doesn’t wear a headset I’m fine with it and rather enjoy it.
Teach your girl to be fine with communicating her feelings to you if she wants a chance at a stable relationship.” baby_doll_92
12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband For Refusing To Let Our Daughter Change Her Name?
“My husband and I have been married for 21 years and we have three children together. Two daughters ages 16 and 15 and a son who is 13. My husband and I have always had a good marriage and are very similar in many ways except one: our taste in names.
My husband always favored a more traditional and classic name while I preferred a name like my own, more different and out there and modern. When it came to naming our children, there were no names we both liked. So we compromised. My husband named our oldest, I named our second child, and our son was given a first name by my husband and a middle name by me.
Our oldest has never liked her name. She asked to change it a few times over the years, asking for a name more like her sister’s. My husband would tell her how beautiful her name was and how it was meaningful because it represented her family. She said it felt boring and old.
In the last two years, she has been more open about this and has brought it to our attention many times after.
She found a name she loves that she has been using and wants to use it. Recently she sat us down and asked that we consider letting her change it before she turns 18, so she can start off her adult life with less paperwork needing to be changed and fewer hoops to jump through. My husband shot it down hard.
He told her that she has a beautiful name and that she will be thankful for it in a few years when she enters the professional world and wants to be taken seriously. Our daughter pointed out that I never had trouble. He told her he gave her the name with love, with thought, and tied her to several family members.
When she pressed more he told her the decision was final. I told her we would discuss it and talk to her again. My husband said no way. Once we were alone I told him to get over himself. That I understood he loved her name as it is now and had poured love into choosing her name but he’s not the one who has to live with it and I pointed out that he will alienate her by refusing point blank to even consider it and to take such a hard stance which implies quite strongly that even if SHE changed her name at 18 he would still call her by the name he gave her.
He said that is exactly what he would do and I told him that everything I said needed to be emphasized then.
He said I couldn’t talk because all our kids apparently favor my taste in names and he might as well not have chosen any names or cared at all. I could tell he was upset.
He felt somewhat personally rejected by it so I am not questioning if I am the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know about legally changing her name yet, but calling her by her chosen name and acknowledging that her feelings about her name matter and should be given precedence over what her dad feels about it is definitely the right thing to do.
If he wants ultimate control over someone else’s name, he should have had a dog, not a human child.
It sucks for dad that none of his kids share his taste in names. A lot of parents have to process the fact that their kids are, in fact, people who have their own personalities. There are lots of dads out there supporting their kids’ hobbies even though it’s a real bummer that none of them want to play his favorite sport.
Or moms who never got to fulfill fantasies of little princesses or oodles of grandchildren.
Being a good parent means loving and accepting your children for who they are, not selfishly trying to force them to conform to who you want them to be.” 1568314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I empathize with your husband, but this is one fight that he is almost certainly going to lose.
If your daughter is determined, there will shortly come a time when she can do it on her own without permission needed. If, after that point, he continues this path, he will fully alienate her. Your husband has a right to his feelings, just as your daughter has a right to her feelings.
I was given a rather formal-sounding name, that was pulled from family on both sides.
I never really liked them and thought about changing it when I grew up, but I eventually figured out how it fit me. I chose a nickname (that’s still part of my name), and when I went to high school and started meeting new people, I introduced myself by my nickname, and while it took a couple of years, it eventually stuck.
My parents were a little sad, but they accepted that I had to be the one to live with it, on my terms. I still have some cousins and elementary schoolmates that call me by my “old” name, and I grin about it… they mean no ill will. But I point out that “ I go by “x” now, and you know that.”
In this transition, your daughter is also going to have to contend with the fact that it’s going to take everyone some time to get used to the new name and that she’s going to need a way to not let it get to her, as people get used to the new name.” Rockingduck-2014
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I had a kid who decided, before they were 10, they didn’t like their given name. I loved it, and it was complimented plenty. It’s a fairly well-liked name despite not currently being in fashion.
But the kiddo hated it, made a new – far more unique (but not UneeK) name that also gets plenty of compliments.
They stuck with it for years, and we had it legally changed before high school on their continuous request.
Names parents give their kids are offerings of something to be called. They cannot be matched to the person the kid will become with perfect prescience. No matter how wonderful the name, it may not be a fit.
That’s ok.
I hope your husband comes around because he is denying acknowledging a very fundamental part of your daughter’s identity. That he already harmed his relationship with her and he is heading down the road of permanent damage in the future.
Is his choice of name for his daughter really more important than his actual daughter?” FishScrumptious
11. AITJ For Not Helping Pay Off My Fiancee's Debt With My Jackpot Winnings?
“I (31M) have been engaged to my current fiancé (34F) for 2 years. We are not rushing into getting married. My fiancé has been struggling with debt since she graduated from college.
Her parents gave her a loan to help with paying some of the debt. Her biggest issue is that she loves to buy things that aren’t necessary. What I didn’t know was that she had three credit cards that she would use, and they were already maxed out. She works as a registered nurse and uses most of her paycheck to pay off the debt.
We decided to go on a vacation and decided to have some fun at a casino. I put in a reasonable amount and ended up winning a large jackpot. My winnings were high enough and I wanted to put some of it towards bills and our mortgage. My fiancé kept begging me to use all of the winnings on her debt, and I told her that I had concerns about her going back into debt.
She has been staying quiet and won’t talk to me unless it’s in regard to the winnings.
When we got back home, we invited her parents over for dinner and she told them how much I won. Her parents were so happy and relieved, and her mother asked if I was going to use the winnings on her debt.
I explained to them that I was going to use it towards the bills, mortgage, and paying off some of my car loans. I do love my fiancé, but I don’t trust her with the winnings. She trashed our entire room trying to find the winnings but I deposited it into my bank account.
Her family thinks that since I am going to be her husband that all my earnings should be hers. I feel that because I have my concerns about her going right back into debt that I do not trust her with this large amount of winnings.
AITJ for not giving my fiancé any of the winnings to pay off her debt?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
“Her family thinks that since I am going to be her husband that all my winnings should be hers.”
Part of the legality of marriage is joint finances. Even if you have separate finances as a married couple, if you ever divorce, you could be held legally responsible for a portion of her debts accrued during the marriage.
And she could lay claim to a portion of any savings or investments you accrued during the marriage.
Her family being so relieved that you had these winnings, and their insistence that your winnings should be hers too is an enormous red flag. Your fiancee would overspend your earnings too if you let her.
Until your fiancee gets her spending under control and makes big strides toward paying down her debt, you shouldn’t marry her.
Offer to help guide her in setting a budget and support her in cutting unnecessary spending. If she refuses, reconsider planning a wedding.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should rethink the whole marriage because once you marry her, her debt affects your credit and your household income for years to come, as does her current spending habits which won’t change once the wedding is over.
Now or later you will most likely pay off this debt anyway, and the longer you stay, the more it will multiply.
She’s NOT entitled to any of your winnings and trashing your room looking for it is a major red flag. That is BEYOND disrespectful. This is going to be her and her family’s view of you for your entire marriage.
That it’s hers. You’re not even married and she’s laying claim over it and sees nothing wrong with demanding or stealing it from you. Not sure I’d want to be with a partner who feels entitled to my finances before we even married.
Do you really want to live this way your life? She’s going to resent you for keeping those winnings and be demanding you pay this debt for eternity.
And I guarantee this isn’t going to be the first time you come home to a trashed room from her anger or jealousy.
You might be way better off financially and in the future if you get rid of this relationship and go solo man. There are better women who won’t throw fits and trash your room looking for your earnings due to jealousy.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“You don’t trust her and she knows it and is acting out in illegal ways that affect you both. If she’s trying to steal from you now, what’s she going to do once you’re married?
Right now you have a parent/child relationship with you holding back rewards as a punishment to teach her lessons.
A partner wouldn’t be able to tolerate the stress and difficulties of her situation and would give practical help, and partner her through her working on the causes of her emotional issues with finances and debt. If she’s a nurse and has been for a while, she’s underpaid, overworked, and probably seriously traumatized. She could also be being mistreated by patients on a daily basis depending on where she works and this could be part of the problem with her financial situation.
Trying to shop to feel better.
Your refusal to see her debt as a problem you both share and wanting to punish rather than help shows you’re not ready for a life partner. You would benefit from finding out why you chose a woman with debt, who you don’t respect or trust, to marry.
Going into a marriage with a parent/child dynamic will cause you both resentment and dissatisfaction.
It’s certainly not a pathway to a happy ever after.
Going to give a controversial ESH, and I’m including her parents who didn’t teach her about finances and seem to be making things worse.” NinjaHidingintheOpen
10. AITJ For Calling My Husband Selfish?
“I (28F) am married to ‘Jack’ (29M). We have a 3-year-old daughter Daisy.
I work in a museum, originally wanted to be an archaeologist, I really like history and geography – I spent hours as a teenager watching documentaries, reading history books, going to museums, etc. And obviously, I still do, because of my job.
Whenever we get the opportunity so go on tours or trips, I get super excited to hear the history of different buildings.
Recently we booked a tour guide boat, which I was really looking forward to. It was the three of us that went, and for the first half I was really enjoying myself, but it was also super hot, and Daisy ended up wanting to go downstairs where there is AC.
I asked Jack to take her, since he isn’t as interested in history, and he wasn’t that excited about the trip.
I wanted to stay upstairs because that was where the tour guide was, and where you get the best views. Jack refused to go downstairs, saying that he was taking pictures and I should just go.
I told him that he wasn’t even listening, and I could take pictures for him, but he told me to “get over myself and take our daughter downstairs”
I went down, but honestly didn’t enjoy myself at all, the only view was the water, and you could barely hear the guide at all. It really ruined my mood because of how excited I previously was, and when we got off the boat I told Jack that I thought he was selfish since this wasn’t something he was even interested in.
He got really upset, saying that I was being childish and should get over it since it’s just a boat and our daughter came first – and that I had probably heard all of the tour stuff before anyway (which, no, I hadn’t, I knew about some of it but that’s all).
We’ve been tense since, I’ve tried to get over it, but I feel like he really disregarded my feelings, and he’s still saying that I’m being childish for being annoyed. I don’t know, AITJ for calling him selfish?
Small edit: Since I think people are getting the wrong idea, we brought our daughter purposefully because we thought she might enjoy it, she had sunscreen, water, etc. I’m not inherently upset that I had to take her, obviously, she comes first or I wouldn’t have gone downstairs at all, I’m upset at how much he undermined my feelings, and genuinely feel he was selfish for how he acted on the boat.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Initially, I was leaning more towards ESH, because I felt that your approach to how you asked was a little selfish. “Can you take her downstairs since you’re not interested in history and you didn’t even want to come in the first place?”
That would easily get my dander up if my husband said something similar to me.
There have been instances where I wasn’t interested in something he wanted to do and then ended up really enjoying myself after I got there. Granted, usually, the things I enjoyed were different than the things HE enjoyed about the outing. Like…people watching at a local concert. I love to watch people and wonder where they are from, where they’re going and what they are like.
He’s there for the band he likes. “Hey honey, the kids need to use the bathroom and since I like music and you don’t can you take them instead?” That would make me so mad, and I would not be very kind with my answer — I need to work on not saying the wrong thing when my feelings are hurt.
That all being said, it seemed your husband was enjoying the trip differently than you were. However, that doesn’t give him the right to solely push the parenting role on you. And his words were cruel. If he truly felt your daughter comes first, there should have been some sort of a compromise. He takes her down to cool for a few minutes, brings her back up for a little bit and then you go down when she’s ready to cool back off again.
That way everyone gets to enjoy it a little bit. One person shouldn’t have to be the sole caretaker on a family outing so the other parent can enjoy themself. This is a breeding ground for resentment. Hopefully you guys can get past this and learn to communicate your needs better.” missashnicole86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First parenting is a full-time job and both parents need to be active in the child’s life.
It is clear that you have different interests, passions, and hobbies, and that is ok. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, that is normal and a part of life. As long as both of you support the other in such.
That means as long as he is supportive of your interests, that is all that matters. However, he does not sound supportive that much, and would be better to just remain home.
Where it gets a bit iffy, is when it comes to your child. Do either of you know your child? Know what she is interested in?
Right now she may want to go, cause it is a boat, but she may not be interested in all of the history and things of that nature, and this may not be the kind of trip for her. What is worse, is that your husband seems to not be checking in as a father to her.
What if she gets older and does not have an interest in what either of you does or is interested in? That is also very doable. And chances are when she gets older she may not like the music that your husband is into, hopefully, he can accept that.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sure, children should come first. But as you said, “he wasn’t even listening, and I could take pictures for him” so this tells me that you had a solution, and listening to the tour guide was important to you, not to him.
You also stated, “but he told me to “get over myself and take our daughter downstairs” yet he couldn’t get over HIMSELF to let you hear the tour guide?
I don’t think you are being childish for wanting to hear the tour guide. He was just taking pictures, which he was so set on HIM taking them, he could have come back to the spot later.
I agree with you, that he could have done this for you, that he did disregard your feelings and your interest. As a person who enjoys hearing a good tour guide, it is great to get more of the full story. When I went was in Rome, we went to the Colosseum. Our guide was phenomenal!
I would have been really missing out if I hadn’t had a tour guide. The history was so interesting!
He’s being a peehead.” PickleNotaBigDill
9. AITJ For Hurting My Mom's Marriage?
“My mom has me (16f) and my brothers Nico (17m) and Shay (18m) with our dad. He passed on my 5th birthday really suddenly. Mom was young and had the three of us, and she ended up meeting our stepdad less than a year later. I think it was about 2 years after my dad passed that she introduced him to us as her partner, and they married fast after that.
At the time, mom and my stepdad wanted him to adopt us and to change our last names to his, so we could be a legal family and share a family name. We had said no, but they went through the process for the adoption, and when it came time for court, the judge took us aside, and we spoke to him and expressed that we did not want to be adopted or to have our last name changed. It’s not something I remember the best because at the time I was really upset, but the end result was the judge turned down the adoption request and the change of name request. My grandma said that the judge told my mom and stepdad that he didn’t want to leave us feeling even more robbed of our dad by taking away his name and his ties to us legally.
After all that, my stepdad tried so hard to get us to start calling him dad. He always called us his kids, his daughter/sons, etc. But he made for a real emphasis on how much he wanted to be our dad and how he wanted to feel us accept him in that kind of way.
Mom would sit and tell us how we were blessed to have two dads. One in heaven who looked down on us and one who was with us on earth and could raise us and be the parent we needed. She said it would be such a positive thing to embrace him as our dad.
My brothers and I never did call him dad. Mom had more kids with our stepdad and they call him dad, but it was always a problem that we didn’t. My oldest brother graduated last year and he moved out soon after. He graduated early and there were some things that went down which resulted in mom and stepdad bringing Nico and me to therapy with them.
Four weeks ago during therapy, my mom and stepdad brought up how tired he is of feeling like he raised us for nothing because we never show him the love he believes he deserves and we don’t show him the respect he wants by denying him the title of dad. They said he is very close to leaving.
So mom asked if either of us would consider trying to be more open to the idea, would we at least refer to him as dad to others even if we don’t call him dad to his face. I said I would never be okay with that. My brother too.
Mom cried and my stepdad… well, I think that was a breaking point for him.
It feels like their marriage is all but over, and deep down, I know both of them blame me and my brothers. I hate seeing my mom so upset. My stepdad can’t hide the fact he’s angry with us over it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You shouldn’t raise kids for gratitude or reward. You should do it because it’s the right thing to do.
Your stepfather should have realized a long time ago that you had boundaries when it came to parenting. He was not entitled to be your replacement father. He was disrespecting your wishes and your father. That sort of disrespect was never going to earn him respect.
He should have wised up a long time ago and realized that his vision of a perfect family where he is a beloved replacement dad was never going to come true.
He should have stepped back, actually considered what you wanted, and learned to respect your boundaries and wants.
The fact that he didn’t do that, and instead continued to try to push this relationship, is his problem. He didn’t have to do that, and he shouldn’t have done that. Now he’s messed it all up.
And the fact that he’s considering leaving because you didn’t respond well to his constant pushing proves any love he had for you was conditional anyway. That is NOT how a parent should act.” CuckooPint
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, this is on your mom and stepdad, they should have handled this with plenty of family therapy YEARS ago.
It was a huge mistake for your stepdad to ask to be called dad, to keep pushing the issue, and for them to move to adoption without even talking to your kids… that should’ve been handled in family therapy, not a court. The judge did the right thing.
You aren’t responsible for the fragile ego of a grown man.
And honestly, it sounds like he’s scapegoating you kids and projecting the blame on you for their marriage problems. The more he pushed over the years, the more it got resisted… if he’d backed off and just let it go and put your kids first, you might have grown into calling him “Dad” or some variation of “Pops” or such at some point.
You didn’t make your mom cry… your mom is crying because she’s stressed out and what her husband is unrealistically demanding, and threatening her with divorce about, isn’t hers to give him… and she’s seeing what a petty, manipulative ego-driven jerk might do when he doesn’t get his way. If they divorce, it won’t be your fault.
100%. I really hope your mom learns to polish up her backbone and see how she’s in an emotionally harmful situation.” Myay-4111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is not a child’s responsibility to ensure that their parent has a good relationship with a new spouse. Your stepfather and mother both sound incredibly pushy and entitled. I’m not sure how either of them thought that this would foster a healthy, loving relationship with her kids.
Shame on them for attempting to force an adoption when that was clearly against the wishes of the children involved – you have a father, but he is no longer with you. That feels like you are being robbed of your relationship, however short it, unfortunately, was, with your father. I’m not entirely sure why the title of “dad” is so important to your stepfather – you can have a loving, familial bond with someone who has been in your life for years without them having the title of mother or father, but a fine way to screw that up is to try and force things to change against the wishes of the children.
I cannot stress this enough – you and your brothers are not the cause of your mother’s marriage issues/potential end. It was your mother’s job to listen to your wishes, respect them and reign in your stepfather if what he was pushing for was out of line with what you wanted. She has failed to protect your best interests in this matter and somehow doesn’t see that she (and her husband, too) is the problem.
Her children should always come first.” TypicalHall1811
8. AITJ For Not Responding When My Son Calls Me By My First Name?
“My son is 15M, I am his father. He has started calling me by my name instead of Dad. When he first did it I asked him why and his answer was simply that it’s my name and what everyone else calls me so he should too. I tried to dig deeper but that’s really all it is.
I told him I’m his father and I deserve the respect of being called Dad by him.
He has not changed. So I decided I would ignore him when he said my name. Last night at dinner I was talking to my wife and he asked if I could pass some pasta to him and I just kept talking to my wife.
He kept trying to talk to me using my name and I just ignored him the whole dinner.
Later my wife said I was being childish and I should just indulge him until his “phase” is over. I told her she might be OK being called by her name (he does that too) but I’m not.
He can call me Dad or he gets ignored.
AITJ? I feel like maybe I’m descending down to his level but at the same time I think it’s a relatively harmless way to set a boundary and teach a lesson.”
Another User Comments:
“I have no idea if YTJ or NTJ, or who’s “in the wrong,” but I do think OP is making too big a deal out of this.
I have two cousins that get along great with their parents, but they are quite mature and independent for young teenagers and they refer to their parents by their names. The parents are fine with it.
However…. I typically have noticed that kids will backtrack on using mom and dad nouns when there’s something strained in the relationship – like something that makes the kid feel like “dad isn’t dad to me anymore.” Because the term dad or father has certain connotations to it – that you are indeed a “father” and part of that is acting like one.
OP says he can’t think of a reason why his son would want to call him by his name… but SOMETHING changed to make the son not want to call him that anymore. Though, he also is calling the mother by her name as well.
It might just be a phase that he’s growing out of.
Like crawling into bed with your parents when you can’t sleep, or kissing your parents on the mouth. Eventually, these childlike behaviors feel weird or wrong once a person starts to age and gain independence. It might just feel juvenile for him to call his parents Mom and Dad.
I think it’s different from the whole pronoun argument.
It’s more like if I started a job and my boss explicitly asked me to call him “sir.” Honestly… forced titles like that aside from “Dr.” Feel REALLLY weird – like a power grab. It should be up to the person using the title (not a name) to decide what they feel comfortable with.l for the most part.
Like in Japan, it’s respectful to use “sensei” for a teacher or mentor, just like we would use “Mr.” or “Mrs.” for someone like that. They also add “chan” to someone’s name with whom they have close relationships with. In this instance, you could not force or ASK someone to use “chan” after your name.
It doesn’t make sense to do if the person DOESN’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU.
I don’t feel mom and dad are terms of respect, they’re terms of relations. I don’t call my sisters “sister.” I use their names. I use names for my aunts and uncles.
This kid just straight up seems like he doesn’t feel comfortable using mom and dad anymore.” ae_bit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, massively.
Your name is a perfectly acceptable thing to call you. It is what everyone else calls you, after all.
In a crowd, if a child is specifically trying to call for their parent, calling “Dad!” or “Mom!” is the most useless thing – it relies on you being able to hear, and identify the voice of the child.
If instead, the child knows to call your name, then you can recognize that not just by the voice, but by, well, recognizing that it is your actual name being called. This can also then be forwarded or amplified by other people – strangers in the crowd who might say “There’s a child here calling for Firstname Lastname”, whereas “there’s a child here calling for their parents” is nowhere near as precise and much more likely to be overlooked.
Also, if you want to earn the title “dad,” then act like one. Ignoring your child and their needs, simply because they’re not calling you the specific title you demand, suggests that you’re probably also doing other things that make your son no longer see you as a “dad.” And the fact that your son isn’t telling you suggests that he no longer trusts you – that you’ve lost your son’s trust through not acting like the “dad” that you are demanding that he call you.
Trying to force your son to “respect you” in a specific way is also likely to backfire. I would not be at all surprised if, by showing your son so clearly that you care less about your actual son than about what he calls you, you alienate him enough that he will leave and cut all contact with you as quickly as he can.” ObjectInMirror
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s the age.. he’s dishing it out, and now he can take it. I remember my son (step) told me he was ignoring/silent treatment me like this was a big “ooohhhhh buuurrrrnnn.” He just wanted to be a disrespectful little something. So, he got what he said he was dishing out (oohhhh burn).
He got mad at dinner when he asked for something to be passed to him (right in front of him). I ignored him (silent treatment) – he got mad, really mad. He started whiny, ranting, and raving… I calmly sipped my water and said “if this is you ignoring me, you suck at it”.
The silent shock… woof.
I told him “you don’t get to treat me that way, think it’s ok and acted shocked /angry/hurt when you are treated that way. You control your actions. Actions have consequences- you chose your behavior ergo, you knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong, and here are the consequences.
You don’t treat people poorly and think they’ll overlook it.”
Yelling didn’t work, grounding (HA). I chose a method that shows what it feels like. It sucks and it’s not ok. He was not shown you cannot disregard others because you don’t feel like it. I didn’t like it- he had to learn.
This was a life lesson that he was too old to not accept. You will treat others with respect or you won’t. If you won’t, don’t expect decency in return and cry in shock.” Notdoingitanymore
7. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Partner Put Down My Pet Snake, Despite Her Disgust?
“My girl [26F] of two years came over to my [28M] house a couple of days ago for dinner.
She knows I keep many reptiles; she thinks it’s a little weird but doesn’t seem too put off by it and is sometimes curious about them and asks about them, and has held a snake or two on occasion when she comes over.
She asked to check out the reptile room later that night after dinner because she knew I’d gotten some new snakes recently and was curious about what they looked like.
So I obliged.
At one point, I asked her if she wanted to hold one of the snakes, and she said sure, she’d given it a try.
But after she held the snake for a few seconds, it musked all over her hands.
I honestly didn’t anticipate that at all since it’s fairly rare with pet snakes, but it was a feisty youngin’ that I hadn’t had for too long, so…my mistake there.
It’s a defense mechanism many snakes have that they don’t use too often, where they release a horrible-smelling oil from their bums.
I noticed it immediately and thought “oh no.” She said “ew, I feel something wet, what is that,” and I tried to tell her to stay calm, just keep holding the snake for another minute or so, and then we’ll put it away.
I’ve heard a time or two from snake forums that if a young feisty snake musks you, you never want to put it away right away, then it will learn that it gets what it wants by musking and it will be very hard to get it to stop musking. If it learns that people are calm and don’t freak out then it will be calmer and not musk in the future.
Unfortunately, the smell hit her and she bent over retching, dripping musk, and staggering over to the terrarium to try to put the snake back in, but I kept the lid closed. I held my breath and reached for a wad of tissues and tried to wipe it off her hands and arm the best I could but urged her in a nasal voice to not put it back right away – I tried to explain the situation to her but probably didn’t do a great job.
She kept gagging and screamed loudly for me to open the terrarium immediately, so I relented and opened it back up, so she could put the snake in and run off to the bathroom to be sick.
After she regained her composure, she got extremely mad at me – not for failing to warn her that that could happen, but for trying to not let her put the snake down.
I tried to explain to her why it’s important not to do that after they musk, but she said she didn’t care, at that point, she needed to get away, and I needed to respect that and not let her be nauseous for an extra 10 seconds for the sake of snake-training.
I said it wasn’t fair to be mad at me for trying to do what any reptile expert would agree is the right thing, and that she did agree to hold it – but she still seems upset even the next day.
She texted me the next day saying that her hand still stinks so bad, it “woke her up in the night” and that it was my fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Knowing what you thought to be true, I’d stay calm, take my pet and hold it. I would let my guest go clean up immediately.
It’s not her pet or responsibility to train it, she’s not used to snakes and they generally do creep people out, she had a nauseating and what seems to be germ-infested smelly substance all over her and was not only sick but panicky – why put that on someone or think you can?
I would’ve apologized just for the musk, I don’t know what apology covers having her vomit and left stinky.
I have pet reptiles (not snakes), they can try to get away, pee on you, and would be hurt easily if the person holding them mishandled/dropped them. I warn guests of this and suggest they pet them first, and then start with holding them while close to their habitat, go from there as they get comfortable with it (their texture, the wetness, and the pets also don’t get as shocked and fight it).
I’m no expert, just saying figuring things out is on you the owner…
In short, it’s up to you to inform and set reasonable parameters for guests handling/interacting with pets. Whatever the pet actually, but more so with less common/stigmatized ones in my honest opinion…” mayfeelthis
Another User Comments:
“As a reptile keeper, I am disgusted with you.
Firstly, it’s fairly common for a snake to musk on you. You should have told your girl about the possibility. Snakes get better about not musking with handling and age. They typically get better when they get bigger/older.
Secondly, even if the whole “snakes learn blah blah blah” thing was true (which it isn’t), your partner should have come first in this situation.
She asked you to open the cage, you should have done it with immediately. I can’t imagine telling someone that I cared about “sorry you have to wait, it’s for the snake’s benefit, you’ll just have to be uncomfortable/upset until then.”
Lastly, you’ve ruined any chance that she’ll want to interact with snakes again.
You’ve also ruined your relationship with you. I foresee “ex” being added to the title. YTJ.” kbass5
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Absolutely the jerk. You got the wrong information, didn’t check it, didn’t act correctly, hurt your girl, and risked the snake. You need to take a long hard look at your snake-keeping practices to figure out if you should be kept at all, because part of exotic pet ownership is lifelong learning.
This is absolutely infuriating to read as someone who’s been keeping snakes for over two decades.
And hey, big man, if you thought the snake needed to continue to be handled so it didn’t “learn” to musk and get put down, why didn’t you take it from her and let her go wash up?” senanthic
6. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out For Using Strong-Smelling Deodorant?
“My (21f) sister (25f) has been staying with me for a while due to personal issues she’s had. Which is okay, we get along decently, but the problem is that strong smells give me migraines. And migraines suck.
Her deodorant is very sweet and very strong, the smell lingers around for hours after applying. When she moved in a mentioned it, like ‘hey by the way, remember that migraine thing?
Strong smells trigger it.’ And after two migraines I asked if she could apply it on the balcony, or in the bathroom with the door closed, or even in her car / on her way out. She said she’d try to remember, she didn’t. I gently reminded her once more after that.
It’s been two weeks since I’ve asked, I’ve been sick a lot, I’ve missed work, and I’ve just been feeling sickly.
There are no issues besides this.
WIBTJ if I told her to stay somewhere else over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have both intractable migraine (basically a permanent migraine that never goes away but can be made worse by triggers), autoimmune disorder (which includes some issues with my body self-regulating), and sensory processing disorder connected to my autism, and I have had this EXACT issue with my own sister, who LOVES perfumes, body sprays, and heavily scented products (she’s a smoker, so she genuinely doesn’t understand how strong they smell to everyone else because her own sense of smell has been dulled).
I once had to refuse to share a hotel room with her when we were younger, because she wouldn’t agree to stop spraying fragranced things in the room and bathroom (I asked her to stand on the balcony or go next door to our parents’ bathroom), and at one point she triggered not only a migraine but a FEVER in me because my poor confused body thought it was under attack, LOL (it really wasn’t funny at the time).
People just DO NOT UNDERSTAND how these sensitivities work, and how people with certain illnesses can have genuine medical reactions to these things. “Smelling pretty” is wonderful, but it’s not a reason to make someone else sick.
You are NTJ for setting that boundary.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I once got my asthma triggered while I was observing a classroom of 14-year-old boys that were hitting puberty hard and just had sports beforehand.
They sprayed on so much deodorant and kinda didn’t stop and I had a bad coughing fit and had to leave the classroom. The guys felt so bad that when I came the next time to do my teaching practice they aired the classroom out and brought roll-on deodorants so I could hold my lesson.
If those kids have the emotional capacity to accommodate me then your own sister should absolutely be able to do that. Either she uses a roll-on or she leaves. Don’t sacrifice your health.” DannyDoublehead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
“Sister, I know you’re going through a hard time right now and I want to help you more than anything because I love you so much.
But, like I’ve mentioned before, the scent of your deodorant is causing me migraines to the point where I have to miss work. If you don’t switch to a different scent, you have to find somewhere else to stay. I don’t want this to come between us because I love you but it’s not fair to me for you to ignore my illness because you’re struggling.
Here is an alternative that doesn’t bother me.”
Also, as someone who struggles with hygiene when my depression gets bad, here are some other alternatives for her that help me out a lot: baby wipes, dry shampoo, waterless soap (often used in nursing homes and hospitals), wet washcloths. Everything I use has very little fragrance if any at all because my skin is so sensitive and I’ve never had anyone say anything about me smelling.
Good luck!” DogLadyEmily
5. AITJ For Refusing To Do A Credit Check To Rent An Apartment?
“My credit isn’t great, around 660, and for this reason, a lot of places aren’t willing to sign me up. I also think the whole idea of needing good credit to rent a place is absurd.
But in GTA now, it’s very hard to rent anything. Especially since I’m looking for under $2,000 for my girl and I. Even private landlords now want credit checks and I refuse. My girl is livid because she thinks me refusing credit checks is the reason we are always passed up for getting rental offers.
Even though I can prove 3 months’ rent it’s not good enough for the landlords, they want all now want a credit and background check.
Recently one of my friends posted she was renting out her apartment for $2,100, and it’s in the area we want to live in so I asked her. She showed it to us, and my girl loved it and fulfilled what we needed. I told my friend I don’t have great credit, and she said that’s fine; I’ll make an exception, but I need you to still do a credit check.
I was sick and tired of landlords doing credit checks and sent her a few paychecks, but she said she still needed a credit check and I refused. My girl was willing to do it, but my friend said she needed both since both of us would be on the lease. I refused and my friend said she wouldn’t consider us.
My girl was livid at me and I was livid at my friend for not making an exception for checking it. If she said she would be ok with a bad score then why does she need to check it? She rented it a day after we saw it so I couldn’t go back and tell her I was willing to go through with the credit check.
My girl is mad we let go of a great apartment at an ok price and I’m mad she isn’t willing to respect my boundaries of not letting anyone do credit checks on me for a place to live.”
Another User Comments:
“Credit checks don’t prove your ability to pay rent. They prove your ability to pay rent on time.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I DESPISE credit checks and I hate credit in general. I wish it just didn’t exist and our economy didn’t revolve around them. I also personally think that many landlords are parasites to society. But, unfortunately, it’s the lay of the land, whether we like it or not. You are purposefully making your own life harder by thinking that you alone can change this system.
You need to face the fact that if many landlords are requiring these things, then your refusal is unlikely to lead to any success (unless you want to live in some run-down and beat-up apartment that has roaches). Background checks and credit checks are also liability things for landlords as well. Credit and background checks are them doing their due diligence as bad tenants can cost them.
You’re NTJ for doing this to yourself. But, YTJ for subjecting your girl to your stubbornness. Your choices here are impacting her. Grow up!” FireDragon737
Another User Comments:
“You know, you’re not wrong that your credit system is odd. Creating debts to prove you can pay for them? That’s a really crazy train of thought to most people outside of the US.
But unfortunately, that’s the system you have and are working with even if you don’t agree with it.
So YTJ for being your own worst enemy. You don’t change things like this by refusing to participate. You change things by voting and working with your representatives. Unfortunately, this is so big, it takes a lot more than just that to change, but still.
That’s where the solution lies. Not with refusing to participate.
And reading from the comments, this score comes from late or unpaid payments rather than never creating debt. So even more YTJ for hiding that, does your girl even know that? Because that would cause you to have a bad “credit score” in other countries with other systems too.” 2tinymonkeys
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Credit checks and background checks are becoming more common. More jobs require them as well.
Are you going to also refuse to work in such a job?
The reason landlords want to do a credit check is to see how reliable you are at paying your debts. Just seeing 3 paid rent checks isn’t good enough.
Your choosing not to is simply going to prevent you from finding a halfway decent place to rent. And it’ll get worse over time.
Accept that you can’t change it and allow the credit checks. They’re very common practice whether you like it or not.” bmyst70
Another User Comments:
“What world do you live in?
YTJ lol.
If I owned a rental house I would absolutely want to have background checks, employer reference, and credit checks done before anyone lived in my house. After seeing what the worst kind of renters did to my two different cousins, I’d want to protect myself.
Want two fun examples? One girl told my cousin “It was Amy’s birthday this weekend so I decided to spend my rent on celebrating that instead.
So I won’t be paying this month.”
The other cousins had cops showing up at his house multiple times for domestic violence calls. The loser dude kicked the door in during a fight with his girl. Holes in walls, messed up paint. Yikes.
Want to know what both of my cousins had in common? Neither did background checks, credit checks, or employer reference checks.” xrsman
4. AITJ For Not Paying To Remove A Well On My Property For My Neighbor?
“My husband and I would like to get another point of view regarding an issue we are having with our next-door neighbor.
Little background… We are cordial but not friends. We bought our house 8 years ago, they maybe 14. They own a construction landscaping company and have trucks/workers coming on our residential street daily, I assume to pick up work orders. Over the years they have done extensive landscaping to their backyard, using our side yard to get there because they built a huge deck so close to the property line.
Absolutely gorgeous landscaping! The last 2 years, they started to work on the adjacent side yard and we noticed they planted small palms in front of our sprinklers. LSS they thought they had approximately 6 to 8 more feet than they had. This came to light when they moved our sprinklers over when we said something about them planting in front of them!
The neighbor approached my husband a few weeks ago that they needed a new septic tank and our “unpermitted” well was within 50 feet and would need to be moved. Hubby says we will move it if you pay for it. She says, well it may be an issue since you don’t have a permit. We make a few calls, our realtor makes a few calls for us to septic co. owner (it’s a small town) and she tells us they can apply for a variance, it had to have been permitted etc., etc. We aren’t worried.
Neighbor knocks on our door, and hubby and I speak to her. She asks if there’s any way we can work with her and her husband because yes, they can apply for a variance but it costs $1800 and there is no guarantee that the county will approve it. She asks if we can just move our well.
Hubby says we will if you pay for it. She says she shouldn’t have to since we don’t have a permit.
This is where I may have been a jerk. I did raise my voice and told her we weren’t paying for anything, you are trying to make your problem our problem. She said it was our problem because the county now knows we don’t have a permit so they may make us move it.
We said we had talked to some people and we weren’t worried. And I again said, your problem, not ours, stop trying to make it our problem. She said we may bring legal action. We said do what you have to do and slammed the door.
We found our copy of the permit that the former owners left us by the way.
Her passive-aggressive threat of the permit made me mad, and I did raise my voice to her. So am I the jerk for raising my voice to my neighbor?”
Another User Comments:
“I am reminded of an episode of a television show when a neighbor built a balcony infringing on one of the main characters’ property.
So much so that the neighbors could see what was going on in their hot tub from the balcony, not to mention the bright floodlights the neighbors installed on their balcony. (There was more to it, but I’ll stop here.)
My point is they could go to the zoning authority and check if their neighbors had a permit for the balcony and whether it was inspected and approved to which it was not because no inspector would approve a balcony that hangs well past the privacy fence on the character’s property.
Neighbors got reported and were made to take down the balcony.
If they are infringing on your property, even a little or illegally building a porch that is too close if not over your property line. As contractors, they know the specs on their balcony would never be approved and they did it anyway without consulting you.
I’d get a surveyor in Pronto and have the property lines drawn so you know what’s yours and what is theirs. You have options. You can report them for infringement, and make plain that you will no longer accommodate their wishes and tell them to move it before the zoning committee gets involved. I would also build a fence protecting your property lines.
It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. NTJ.” Turtlelarke
Another User Comments:
“No you’re definitely NTJ, but your neighbors are definitely massive ones! The entitlement is stifling! Moving wells is an expensive risk that’s just not worth the potential damages & loss of value to your home. I highly doubt they’d be willing to pay for future complications if you did transfer the well.
It’s just not worth the headache to accommodate someone else’s petty vanity project.
Forgive me if I misunderstood this but if they didn’t seek explicit permission from you two, planting palm trees & moving YOUR sprinkler system while having THEIR traffic commuting through your side yard is not only trespassing, it’s also vandalism!
Lawyer up & see what your available options are through city permits. Assume your neighbors are several steps ahead of you since they’re investigating your property (disrespectfully, btw) for what does or doesn’t fall under city ordinances. It certainly seems they’re set to take up some property that’s not claimed.
Since they’re a construction company they can creatively move their decks, palm trees & crap systems without you!” elexstehr
Another User Comments:
“This is tough… soft YTJ for yelling at a neighbor, that isn’t going to be good in the long term. She wasn’t yelling at you. It sounds like you are both long-term property owners, so you will have to deal with each other for a long time. You both have lots of ways to make each other miserable.
They still sound like jerks, no reason they shouldn’t pay to move the well. Apologize for raising your voice, then show them the original permit. That ends the discussion about it being nonpermitted.
I would also have a survey done to make sure you know what is yours. I suspect they are encroaching on your land.
In many places, if they are encroaching on your land and don’t do anything about it, it can eventually become their land!
If they are encroaching, talk to a real estate attorney before talking to them, so you know the options to resolve this and how expensive and time-consuming they can be.
Also, be aware you run the risk you may own less land than you think.” RevenueNo9164
3. AITJ For Making My Guests Pay $10 To Attend Our Wedding?
“My fiance (23M) and I (23F) are getting married in less than a month. We are doing a small wedding and only inviting 20 guests. We decided we wanted to have our wedding up in a canyon, but to access this canyon, it costs $10.
So we’re having our guests pay the $10 to enter the canyon. We put this canyon fee on our invitations.
My sister called today as she had just received her invite in the mail and was mad about having to pay to attend a wedding. She called me a jerk because I was being a cheapskate, and there are thousands of canyons that won’t have a fee.
But me and my fiance already have our hearts set on this specific canyon and view. As the argument went on she started to nitpick our whole wedding plan. (Having the guests bring their own camping chairs. Not having a real reception, just a small dinner for those who attended and posting our registry all over social media but only having 20 people actually be invited.)
We don’t want to spend a lot and so doing it outdoors is one way of doing that. We also just want our close intimate friends and families to be there so I don’t know what’s wrong with keeping it small. To those who will ask it’s a canyon fee, you have to pay at the base so it’s not like we could just pay the park rangers in advance and just say this should cover it.
It’s open to the public. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Guests are invited by you. The understanding is that you are providing their accommodation at the event.
You should feed your guests (go vegan, go pescatarian, or whatever you want), and you should pay for the venue costs. In this case, that means paying parking fees and paying canyon access fees.
How you may ask? Well you either buy tickets beforehand and include them in the invite, or you have a groomsman or usher (volunteer) at the entrances, and you arm them with a stack of change or a credit card. You tell the park what’s up, let them know that your volunteer will be paying the fee for certain guests, and you have them pay the fee.
This isn’t the job of the park staff unless you’re renting out the park and paying the staff. This is YOUR job. Get a volunteer, give them funds, and send them out.
When it’s over, your wedding party should be the ones cleaning up trash too. Not your guests.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are the hosts of your wedding. The job of a host is to see the comfort of their guests. It is not comfortable, and conceivably even dangerous, to hike a mile with a chair.
Were you able to reserve this spot with this gorgeous view? Were you able to get a permit for amplified sound?
If not, you may discover you cannot have your event at the intended location, have other visitors passing through your wedding, or that your guests cannot even hear the events.
Is there a canopy or tent to cover you and your guests in case of rain? What is your plan if it is super windy?
Are you bringing in tables, is there dinner at a dinner different location, or do you expect wedding guests to eat in their laps? What bathroom arrangements are there? Do you have any grandparents or elderly invited? Have you ensured comfortable transportation, seating, and shade for them? What is your dress code – I hope sneakers and hiking boots are proper apparel given the required walk – on what I assume is probably not a paved path.
Will you have a photograph, or videographer of other vendors – have you worked with them to secure the permits they require to work in a public space?
Essentially, you are not fulfilling the basic role of host – assuring the needs of your guests are met.
Secondly, it is inexcusably rude to post your registry and not invite people.
If someone who is not invited asks, you may share the information with that person- but to ask people to give you a gift without inviting them to partake in your celebration is appalling.
Overall – you have fallen into the trap of only thinking about what you want and not doing the work necessary to see if that is realistic.” Curious-Mousse-8714
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is just tacky all around. I can’t decide what’s worse- asking people to pay to attend OR posting your registry everywhere expecting people who aren’t even invited to buy you stuff, OR asking people to carry chairs on a hike. It’s not too late to salvage this though if you are totally dead set on this location.
Have a designated person wait by the park entrance to pay for people as they enter.
Go rent some chairs and get a wagon to wheel them from your vehicles to the spot you are getting married.
HIRE someone for the day to do #1 and #2. DON’T ask another guest or family member to do it.
You will literally ruin their ability to enjoy themselves whatsoever and 98% likely they’ll be resentful you made them a worker bee at an event they should be enjoying.
Take down your registry and stop asking people you aren’t inviting to buy you stuff. It’s rude, disrespectful, tacky, and just overall entitled.
It’ll cost you $200 for the park fees, the cost of chair rental, and the cost of whoever you hire.
Altogether, it probably would be somewhere in the range of $5-600. Maybe less depending on your location.
That $5-600 is literally the difference between your wedding being trash-talked and complained about for years to come or it being at least a semi nice/unique experience people will reflect back on positively. I get being on a budget but currently, you are deep into jerk territory that just overall reflects badly on you and will not end up being a good experience for most people.
Is that really how you want people to reflect back on your wedding or feel the actual day of?” MainEgg320
Another User Comments:
“I’m honestly baffled by all the YTJ comments!
I’d say 100000% NTJ in my opinion. My best friend from high school got married in a forest and it was a camping wedding. Did we have to pay an entrance fee of about $10?
Yeah, we did and she had ~60 guests. The wedding party camped out the night before and the space was reserved for 4 days, so we could all hang out for the weekend. It was a blast, and by far and away, the best wedding I’ve ever been to or been a part of.
I don’t think the registry thing is all that crazy given the base info.
Maybe it is, but I don’t know; I doubt it. I’ve purchased many a gift from a friend’s registry for weddings or baby showers without attending the event. I will say with the camping wedding their registry was literally a signup sheet to help with set up or take down of decorations and table settings which I thought was a pretty cool idea tbh.
Also as someone with a physical disability that affects my mobility, I fail to see the issue without more info. Like not everyone knows someone with a disability that would require accommodations in this setting…
Congrats on your engagement! I hope you have a magical day and a fantastic celebration. Sounds like it will be a beautiful venue!” TheFoxlily
2. AITJ For Defending My Friend Instead Of My Partner?
“My girl is really smart, hard worker, but she really hates smoking. Like hates it so much that not a single friend of hers is a smoker. I’ve jokingly asked her what she would do if everyone on earth became a smoker. and she said she would move into the woods and stay single with her dog.
I don’t think she’s kidding. The first thing she asked me when we started seeing each other was if I was a smoker or did any substances. The problem is, I am an ex-smoker (stopped in 2018), and most of my friends are smokers. She sits far away from her and makes faces when they come back smoking of cigs.
She has pretended to be sick to avoid hanging out with them when they come over because they usually smoke and then come up smelling of smoke.
Last weekend, one of my best friends was over and started smoking in our backyard. My girl got mad and told him to smoke on the sidewalk outside the backyard.
He got annoyed and said it wasn’t bothering anyone, and she said she would kick him out if he didn’t stop smoking on her property. I got involved and told her to chill out, and if she can’t handle it, she can leave. She storms off inside and takes her stuff and her dog with her without letting me know where she is.
Only 2 days later, I figure out from friends she is with her mom in another state and calls her to apologize. She came back today but hasn’t spoken a word to me and didn’t bring her dog back; she left her with her mom. I think she is very discriminatory towards smokers, but I know she is mad at me because I know how much she hates smoking and smokers.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s her home which she has a right to feel comfortable in, therefore she has every right to tell your friend to stop smoking on it and go to the sidewalk outside. She wasn’t telling him to stop just to move location that didn’t affect her. For you to then tell her to leave, it’s no wonder she is mad and hasn’t spoken a word to you.
You kicked her out of her own home when that’s meant to be the place she should feel most comfortable in.
For a none smoker, the smell of smoking can be very pronounced and extremely off-putting. I myself have felt physically sick when I have got a strong waft of it. Everyone has their boundaries, this so happens to be your girl’s, and I think you ought to respect that more than be so dismissive.
She shouldn’t have to suffer because of someone else’s life choices.
Maybe consider for a moment the effects of secondhand smoke on people too. Your girl not liking the smell could be worried about the effects the smoke could have on her own body. Just food for thought.” LadyMidnightSolace
Another User Comments:
“So you know how much she hates smoking.
That was something you knew and understood. Yet you allowed your friend to smoke the space you share with your girl. Completely disregarding the fact she’s made clear through our relationship. She didn’t tell him to stop she told him not to do it on her property. That was a compromise made on her part but you thought it important to let your friend do something he honestly could’ve waited to do at the expense of your partner.
Also, stop misusing the word discriminatory.
For her to be considered discriminatory she’d have to be unfairly biased against your friends on larger factors like age, race, gender, s*******y, or religion. Smoking is something that can be changed. It’s something that is unarguably bad for you and in no way does her being against it make her discriminatory.
She doesn’t hate smokers she doesn’t tolerate smoking theirs a difference.
She hasn’t been blatantly rude to your friends she’s withheld from hanging out with them because it’s almost like she knows that just because she’s not okay with it doesn’t mean everyone has to agree. Like how she answered how she would go into the wood if everyone became one.
Seems like she’d rather isolate herself than make someone else cater to her. She shouldn’t have to do that in her home. Chances if she left her dog with her mom she’s most likely not planning to stay with you.
YTJ and probably single.” Objective-Ad-4411
Another User Comments:
“ESH – I think most people don’t realize that smokers do kind of have to smoke after a while, being physically dependent on nicotine is a medical condition and it’s ridiculously hard to make it through a long evening without a smoke.
I do think your girl’s reaction is a bit much, and she should either accept that your friends are (and will be, for the foreseeable future) smokers, or she should find ways to avoid hanging out with them.
However, your girl should have every right to set boundaries about where guests are allowed to smoke.
Your friends should not be smoking in the backyard without making sure it’s okay, and if she asks them to smoke on the sidewalk out front, they should do it without hassling her. I do wonder if your girl has always been as anti-smoker as she is now, or if your friends have been refusing to respect her boundaries.
Also, you would be the jerk if the smell of smoke makes her feel sick or gives her headaches. You didn’t mention anything like that, though, so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.” Z-PS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, might be unpopular – but I think that the two of you aren’t right for each other and you need to let this one go.
She just doesn’t enjoy the same things as you, and you definitely don’t see the same issues as her, but I don’t think you’re a jerk. She is a little bit with the whole discussion with your friend, as it seems that the friend is adhering to proper social smoking “rules,” and those aren’t enough for her.
So let her go.” AutumnBaby23
1. AITJ For Embarrassing My Mom In Public?
“I was contemplating whether to post this for a while but now I’m curious.
I’m 24f and I have a half-brother Ethan who is 17.
When I was 16, our mother married her new husband and has 2 kids with him. Ethan’s father isn’t in his life so he stays with them full time but I spend more time with my dad and his family because I just get along with them better.
I love my mom but she can be a bit much sometimes so I rarely see her. Ethan and I text occasionally.
It was my mother’s birthday a few days ago and while I was visiting I noticed that Ethan and my newborn half-sibling weren’t around. I asked my mom where they were at and she said that she asked Ethan to check up on the baby while she took a break.
We were all in the backyard btw which is MASSIVE.
But yeah ok no biggie.
But some time later I still couldn’t find him and so I went to Ethan’s room, and he was rocking the baby while she was inconsolable and he was crying too because she wouldn’t stop. There were diapers and baby formula everywhere and he was saying that he tried everything but she won’t stop.
I managed to calm them both down somehow and asked Ethan why he didn’t just call someone for help. He said that he’s usually really good at this and Mom makes him take care of the baby all the time so he just panicked. He then told me that he helped out with our other half-sister when she was a baby as well and still takes care of her.
I was really upset. I mean yes there’s nothing wrong with needing a break but Ethan’s a 17-year-old boy. He’s not a father or a mother but apparently, he takes care of our half-siblings more than our mom and stepdad.
I walked up to my mom while she was talking to a group of people and basically told her that I can’t believe she was dumping all her responsibilities on Ethan.
She knew what I was talking about immediately and told me to relax and that Ethan likes it blah blah. I told her that while she was out here having a blast her son was sobbing in his room because of how overwhelmed he was. She got really red and everyone went silent which was awkward but yeah.
I later got a call from my mom saying that she respects my opinions on this situation but that I didn’t need to publicly humiliate her in front of her friends and coworkers. Apparently, her boss was there too and he’s being very cold to her. Idk I just can’t get Ethan out of my head.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“It doesn’t matter that you’re right.
I just don’t see exigent circumstances for why your family’s dirty laundry HAD to be aired out in public at that very moment. No one was in danger.
In fact, the actual appropriate thing to do would have been to call your mother back inside and hand off the baby to… Ya know… Handle her responsibilities.
But no. You walked up to her in a crowded party and humiliated her. Even in her own complaints about the incident you admit she says she respects your opinions, it’s only the delivery she had a problem with.
Everyone’s mob reaction here to a bad mom being a bad mom is why we have a legal system and not mob vigilante justice.
How about the next time you’re behaving irresponsibly or need a course correction of any kind she waits until your birthday party and has a discussion just before you cut the cake?
YTJ.” hangman161
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ. I hate when parents do this. They have no problem opening their legs (for mothers) or having that one night of ecstasy (for both), but they feel that their other kids can become built-in babysitters all the time and start abdicating their responsibility just because it’s one less thing they have to do.
What happens is that eventually, the baby will begin to realize that his or her brother or sister is the authority figure and not the parents, and it all gets confusing. Although this doesn’t happen all the time, parents like that are awful.
Then the mother rationalized leaving her son as the built-in babysitter by telling herself (and anyone who would listen) that he likes doing it.
Not that he felt a sense of duty to give up his childhood so that he can do this big ask of his mother, not that he felt pressured into fulfilling a role that he wasn’t prepared to be: just that he likes it.
We blame fathers for leaving their responsibility, but we haven’t read many posts about mothers doing the same thing and it should be the same both ways.
Parents cannot stop being parents just because it suits them, and the way it seems, the mother has a history of collecting children (3 half-siblings, so far) with different fathers, and still likes her “fun” life, just because her son “likes” taking care of his half-sister. (I’m only basing my assumptions based on the little bit of information I was given, so maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like she’s deposited her motherhood duties on someone else).
You are NTJ for blowing up on her. Parents like this need understand that a moment of nightful bliss is going to lead to 18 years of parenthood. Pawning it on another child is definitely the wrong move.” MiggyTennis
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Everyone has already written a lot about why your mom is the jerk, and I agree with them so no need to explain that.
However, I think while all your intentions were absolutely right, how you proceeded to deliver the message could be better. I think taking care of kids while holding a job is hard and women are always judged more than their husbands. Hence, by calling her out in front of her colleagues you have potentially caused a lot of damage.
Whether it is justified or not is beside the point.
You could have pulled her aside or asked her to accompany you into the house and talked about it then. It makes me wonder if your relationship (or lack thereof) had a role to play here (beyond your concern for the baby). A lot of people are saying ‘yeah yeah could there be a better way… blah blah NTJ,” ultimately being angry is quite easy; but being angry at the right time, to the right degree in the right place is tough.
Anyway, we were all not there so severity/harshness is hard to judge. But just based on what you have shared, I think everyone sucks here.” Optimal_Ad_352
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