People Ask What Our View Is Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I got married in early February.

I have always been very close to my father and stepmom growing up. I always felt like they offered me a stable home for me to grow up in. I never had that with my mother. During the last few years of my parents’ marriage, my mother changed as a person. She was a happy and cheerful person when we were younger.

She really changed after the divorce. She was miserable, and I felt that. I could tell that she hated the fact that I preferred to live with my dad, but never verbalized her feelings.

She has been single since the divorce and refuses to date other people. I always wanted to have joint birthday parties with my mom, dad, and stepmom, but my mom wouldn’t have it.

She avoided my father like the plague. I never understood her behavior and resented her for it.

Quite naturally, I preferred my dad’s household over my mom’s. Anyways, right before my wedding, I was staying at my dad’s.

One night, I overheard my dad and stepmom reminiscing about how they met. Now they always told us that they met 6 months after the divorce at a library.

Turns out, they lied.

They were talking about how my father couldn’t take his eyes off her the moment she walked into his office and how he wanted her from that moment on, and how he didn’t care that he had a pregnant wife at home.

Apparently, their first kiss was a few days after I was born, and the first time they slept together was on my parents’ 3rd anniversary.

I was only a few months old back then. They were talking about how difficult it was for them to continue their relationship after they got caught when I was 5. This was extremely shocking to me because my parents got divorced when I was 10. They were also making fun of my mom’s weight.

This meant that they carried on an affair throughout my parents’ marriage.

I remember my mom changing for the worse when I was in second grade.

My mom always knew and she never told me. I broke down crying that night and I felt really guilty because of the way I acted toward my mom growing up. I had no idea she went through so much. I was lied to in my first relationship in college and it destroyed me.

I felt horrible.

That night, I didn’t confront my dad but the next morning, I packed my stuff up and transferred the amount he had spent on my wedding. I didn’t want his moolah. I told him I heard everything and asked him to stay away from my wedding.

I left their house and drove to my mom’s.

I hugged her really hard and we both cried.

I had my mom walk me down the aisle, and I made sure my dad’s family didn’t attend the wedding. I didn’t explicitly disinvite my half-brother, but he stayed away from my wedding and I’m actually glad he didn’t come.

I don’t think I want anything to do with any of them anymore.

I’ve heard that my dad is on anti-depressants nowadays. My grandma blames me for his depression.

Did I overreact? I still don’t want anything to do with him. My dad’s family think I was and I am being cruel to him.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. This is hard – because in no way do I actually think you’re a bad person and trust me I understand the emotional turmoil you have experienced with this.

I had an almost identical experience growing up and didn’t find out until I was 19 – (the minor difference is that I’ve always hated my stepmother).

Anyway, my reason for YTJ is that your father’s infidelity – while not an acceptable behavior by any means – does not discount what sounds like good fathering most of the time.

And also – he clearly loves and cares about you so to cut him off like that in my opinion is cruel.

People make mistakes, and sometimes they hurt people. However, your dad lying to your mom really doesn’t have much to do with you specifically, and in my opinion, it shouldn’t affect your relationship with him.

Also – (haha I didn’t realize I’d have so much to say so hopefully someone reads this and it wasn’t a total waste) to clarify – I reacted much like you initially. I was angry and didn’t speak to my dad for a while, but ultimately, now that I have lost a parent (my mom died three years ago) I would never put myself in a position to lose precious time with a loved one over something like their relationship choices unless they were deliberately harming me in some way.

Life is too precious and too short to cut people who you love (and love you) out. Maybe I’m in the minority here, and again I get where your head is at, and being angry is reasonable… but ultimately I hope you reconnect with your father soon and can move past this.” nielse73

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your dad is reaping the misery that he sowed. For years, he let you think that your mom was unhappy all on her own; he never took accountability for his own actions. Your own mom even kept quiet about his shameful behavior, and he didn’t stop you from resenting her. He probably ate it up.

That’s because people who lie tend to be selfish – the most selfish, in fact. It’s not enough that he had two women pining for him at once; his ego got a boost from his daughter rejecting her mother on his behalf. What he did was awful.

Your mom is a strong woman. Honestly, I would be upfront with my kids if something similar happened to me.

I wouldn’t disparage the lying spouse, but I would tell them why we were divorcing in an age-appropriate and matter-of-fact manner. Your mom instead opted to let you see with your own eyes what kind of people your father and stepmother really are. The fact that they caused your mother so much pain over the years and then have the audacity to sit there and make fun of her weight is appalling.

They wronged her, but rather than facing up to their hideous behavior, they take jabs at the poor woman in order to build themselves up. Disgusting.

When you disinvited your father and exited from his life, you actually made him face a consequence that he had avoided for years. He had been living fancy-free with his mistress and his loving daughter until then.

His grandma is wrong to blame you; if she were any kind of decent mother, she would have held her own son’s feet to the fire years ago when he deeply betrayed his own wife. As a woman, she should be repulsed at how her son treated another woman. She needs to leave you out of it.

If you decide to forgive your father, so be it. That’s your decision. But don’t do it out of a place of guilt. After all, your mother managed to survive all these years; your father can figure it out.” mockingbird82

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – You could have handled that a lot better, it was far from ideal

So let’s unpack why I believe this and I’m open for discussion, because I may have read this wrong. While I know it’s hard, I think humanity is better off treating the individual relationships they have with others within a bounded context. I.E. if your Dad was a great father, but you later realize he was an awful husband, that doesn’t negate your relationship.

Now it gets a bit trickier as relationship contexts do bleed into one another, but my mother is probably one of the best examples I have of managing this. Until recently, my Father was not a good Dad but a very good husband, which meant my Mum would love him for the husband part but fight with him constantly other the Father aspect since they are my parents together.

In your scenario, the reverse seems to be true, and while your Dad has most definitely treated your mum grotesquely, this was not aimed at you. People can say such awful things and be horrible people when people aren’t listening. Even the people you hold dearest are probably like that sometimes. It’s a shame she had to go through 10 years of that, she seems like the real victim here and I can’t speak for why she didn’t leave sooner and move on and get her own happiness.

Unfortunately, it seemed like your Father would have been better off marrying your step mum and not your mum, if he had maybe he would have not fooled around with another woman.

However, now you have effectively pulled the pin that fractured your family without giving your father a chance to make amends now that you have the power to force him to address these issues.

Now I’m not blaming his sins on you, however, shutting out someone who you’ve loved for so long like that is honestly terrible. Family should be the last people in your corner no matter much you screw up as long as there is a good chance they can change. If your family is trash there will come a time they are irredeemable and then you have the moral high ground to cut them off.

If handled better your Dad should have to come clean and atone for his sins in front of the family and then he should pledge to make amends and finally forgive, this would potentially give some relief to your mother.

Hey if you want nothing to do with them that’s on you, maybe you have the fortitude to cut him out for life and not regret it.

Though if you feel you’ll eventually want to patch things up with him, then don’t wait till then and do it now before things worsen with time. Grudges like this will only hurt your family as a whole, and you can be the bigger person and lead the healing process. The rash cut off from the wedding, including the rest of the family that had nothing to do with it is a rash judgment.

Even if everyone thinks I’m wrong about your part to play in this, please take away the part about striving to make your family as functional and cooperative as possible.” Controversiallity