People Ask For Our Viewpoint On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Refusing My Uncle's Gift?
“About a year ago, I was in my last year of art school. (I was studying music, with my main instrument being the piano).
I had a small keyboard, but it was like a toy (don’t ask me how I managed to study it for 4 years of the piano with it). I’m from quite a poor family, so when I started art school, my parents didn’t have enough funds to buy me a proper piano. It was ok, as the pieces we learned weren’t so difficult, but once I was the last year, I had my exams, and I literally couldn’t play on my keyboard as I needed a few more octaves to play the pieces.
At the start of the year, I started saving coins to buy a better piano, to be able to learn the pieces. After a couple of months, all of my family knew that I needed a piano, so my grandparents helped me with some funds on my birthday (it was in August).
When my uncle found out about it, he started asking some questions about what kind of keyboard I wanted and said he would buy me one but I told him that it was not needed, as I need to look at a keyboard in person (he’s in another country and wanted to buy me one from there).
After that, we haven’t spoken about it for a while
I started looking on the internet for second-hand keyboards, as they’re cheaper and I found a couple of interesting ones. I met up with the owners, and I really liked them. I just had to decide which one.
One evening, I was watching TV with my mom, and my grandparents called me. They said my uncle bought me a keyboard with help from a guy who doesn’t even play the piano.
They showed me it, and I was angry. I told my uncle that he didn’t need to buy me one, but he bought me one.
It was a broken, dirty keyboard, that didn’t even have enough octaves for me to learn my pieces for the exam. We argued on the phone, and he called me greedy, for not accepting a gift. I mean, I understand that it’s a gift, but how am I supposed to attend my exams with that crappy keyboard…?
My uncle hasn’t spoken to me since then, and I bought a better keyboard and already finished art’s school with excellent grades. But now my uncle isn’t speaking with me, and he’s really ignoring me since then. I don’t know if I did a good thing to decline his gift.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: I told him multiple times not to buy it, as I had to see it myself and decide which one to buy. This wasn’t just a small gift, like a toy or something, this was literally my future.
If I didn’t have a proper piano, I couldn’t have passed my exams.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You very clearly told him (multiple times) not to buy you a piano. You gave him your reasons as to why. He chose to go against your wishes and buy you one anyway.
You are well within your rights to be annoyed by this and not to accept the gift. He is most likely overreacting because he is embarrassed at having his gift rejected, but that is his own fault for not listening.” theevilcactus1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You could have politely refused the gift, but you had no right to be “angry” about it. It was a very kind thing to do, even if the actual material object wasn’t useful to you. Learn to be gracious. Apologize to your uncle.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ someone expecting you to accept a gift to be polite when it could affect your graduation is ridiculous. I’d be irritated too. “I got you what you SPECIFICALLY told me not to, you can’t use it, could mess up your future if you accept, and you have to say thanks or I’ll never speak to you again!” is just entitlement with wrapping paper.
He was thinking more about the act of being a ‘good person’ and giving a gift than the person and purpose for the gift” User
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To The Beach Every Single Day?
“I, 33m, am on vacation in Hawaii visiting my elderly mother (74f). It’s not my favorite place to be, to start, because it’s extremely expensive for almost everything and there’s really very little to actually do that is accessible to me.
I tried to clarify with her at the beginning that I break out in hives and have an intense rash when I’m exposed to the strong sun (even in summer at home in New England) for more than an hour or two without covering.
Sunblock will not stop it, and once it sets in it takes days to go away. It’s itchy, it’s sore, my skin feels tight, I’m just terribly uncomfortable.
My mother won’t give up her routine of going to the beach for about four hours a day.
She insists that our guest goes with her so we can ‘see the island.’ This is important to her because she wants to spend ‘quality time’ with us.
Today I said I wasn’t going to the beach, for the aforementioned reasons, and didn’t want to make it even worse.
So she suggested that she’d bring a tent and I could stay in the tent while she, her friend, and our vacation guest, would all go mucking about. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I had zero interest in hiding in a tent to avoid the sun.
I suggest botanical gardens instead (lots of shade, beautiful amazing plants, and landscapes).
Well. That didn’t sit with her. I’m ungrateful because I should want to see all the beaches, and the natural beauty (I really do not like beaches, even before I developed skin issues), and ‘how are you going to learn to love it here when you need to come to take care of me if you don’t see everything!?’
That broke it for me. I couldn’t handle it, honestly. I told her that she was nuts if she thought I was moving to a place where the sunlight itself sent my whole body into rashes and hives. Back home I only have to worry about this during the summer and I can stay indoors or wear a sweatshirt or something, but here?
No, I’d have to do it all the time. We have two pet snakes that we’d have to rehome, my dog has a double coat and is built for winter, and neither my husband nor I enjoy the tropics.
Then she rounded on me and demanded to know what I was going to do when she needed assisted care because she’s not getting younger.
I told her I’d take care of her, but I’d be moving her back with me. There’s no way I can afford to live here, my husband and I don’t want to live here anyway, and the incredible life changes we’d have to make, and what I’d have to endure, just make it impossible.
So now she’s not speaking to me and is basically saying I should stay in my room until I leave if I don’t love her enough to spend time with her. The idea that I want to spend time with her, but just not exactly the way she wants me to, is lost on her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Beaches suck and frankly HI sucks. Been there twice and hopefully never again. (The second time was because I hated it the first time and I thought maybe it was just who I went with. No, it was the place itself.)
This is not about HI though, or even about your skin, and your comfort, it’s about your mom wanting late-life care. When she reaches that stage move her to you, of course.
To survive this awful trip, go alone to the gardens, etc. (the big Buddhist cemetery is gorgeous, highly recommend) and visit with mom in the evenings and mornings at home.
If she gets mad she gets mad. Remain calm: ‘Mom, you know I love you and thank you for the tickets, but I can’t go around harming my health when you could go to the beach and I could safely go do something else for a few hours’.” Unit-Healthy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother sounds incredibly entitled and selfish. It sounds like you may have a sun allergy and that isn’t something to mess around with. When you get back home, you should really discuss it with your doctor and insist on seeing an allergist/immunologist.
So, first off, this is an actual health issue and your mother insists you put your health at risk rather than either just going to the beach without you or finding literally anything else to do. Plus, you just don’t want to spend 4 hours a day every single day at the beach and that is perfectly valid on its own.
That is an immense amount of time even for someone who enjoys the beach.
Her suggestion of you sitting in a tent while she does beach things is ridiculous. You would be in the tent and she wouldn’t so you still wouldn’t actually be spending time together.
Plus, there are so many other things to do in Hawaii. Your mother claims she wants you to experience the island, but she’s only interested in the beach, so she herself isn’t actually experiencing all there is to experience. Hawaii has great beaches, but that’s not all it has by any means.
Your mom has the entire rest of the year to do nothing but go to the beach, it wouldn’t hurt her to explore her own island a bit.
As for the ‘you’ll have to move her to take care of me’ nonsense, just no. Maybe tell her, point-blank, that when that time comes, she will have 3 choices: she can move to New England with you, she can save up for a caretaker to move in with her, or she can save up to move into a retirement home in Hawaii.
And while you would prefer that she choose to live with you so you can take care of her, that’s it. Those are the choices.” 7thatsanope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom doesn’t seem to have any empathy for your situation. Allergies that develop later in life can sometimes get worse and worse with each exposure.
Your mom likes to bake every day in the sun. You are medically unable to do this. I know it’s hard to think of this, but your mom is being horribly selfish, in assuming that you and your partner will simply ‘pick up sticks’ and move to Hawaii to care for her.
Your allergy already makes this impossible. As if it were an easy thing to move, give up your friendship circles and careers just b/c it would be the most convenient thing for her. You sound very kind, the conversation won’t be easy, but you will soon have to have told her you are not the solution to her ‘aging in place plan’.
So sorry OP, that your mom is causing this kind of grief.” Cocobutterbam
I would suggest you start reading up and studying how to deal with narcissists. Get your husband on board with supporting you to set healthy boundaries. Give up on rationalizing with your mother and expecting her make any concessions on her own desires and demands in any way. If she does listen, it will just be to gather ammunition to use against you. Sit down and think out how much you would be willing and able to do when she needs care. Perhaps her moving to a senior living establishment local to you where you could make frequent short visits to help her out and monitor her care, etc, whatever you are comfortable with. Then when she says no, all is on my terms or nothing, stick to your guns. If she is like my Mom it's probably not going to end well, but that is a situation all of her own making.
17. AITJ For Paying My Son Back For All The Chores Done In Mom's Place?
“I (37M) have three kids (13M, 9F, 5F) two with my wife (38F), but my son is a step-kid to her.
In our house we have a very specific chore schedule that works in a way so that all of us can do chores and still have plenty of free time/family time on top of homework and sports.
It took a look time to come up with this system, and the allowance system, as my wife has always been iffy about our kids doing ‘too little’ to help, and about us giving them allowance in the first place.
We ended up working this out when the oldest were toddlers, and it’s been the system for several years.
Yesterday, I came home early and was getting ready to start dinner, when I noticed my daughter’s and wife’s nails were done in full with nice colors and even some nail extensions.
The only time it could’ve been done was during chore time. Unless she’d gotten the kids home from school early (this is impossible, our kid’s school gives the other parent a call when they’re picked up early.) or she’d skipped out on chores.
With how strict my wife is about the whole thing, I heavily doubt she’d skip out on chores that only take thirty minutes for nails.
My daughter had started talking about how much fun they’d had, when I asked her how they found the time for it, she slipped up admitting that her brother was doing their chores.
When I asked how long she went on to say since September. I then went to go ask my wife, who got deflective saying our daughter had lied and that they just rushed through chores that day.
Told her I’d go ask my son about it, and that if it went about our daughter was truly lying, then we’d scold her for the lie.
Checked it out with our son, and our daughter was right. He said he thought I was in on the change, and while he was talking he brought up that Mom said he wouldn’t be paid, since it was helpful and not work.
I went right to my bag downstairs, got my wallet and pulled out the entirety of September’s budget, and gave it to him. I told him I’d go to the bank and get him October’s budget too for the full month, not just what he’d worked for having to deal with this.
My wife flipped out. She started an argument directly in front of the kids, and as much as I tried to calm her down and get her to talk privately she wouldn’t budge. All shouting ended up waking our toddler who had been napping throughout this, and that’s what finally stopped the screaming match.
She’s been calling me the jerk for simply paying our son without even talking to her, and that his chores were too easy so he had to do extra work to make up for his slacking, (note; he does the downstairs bathroom, and the toddler’s room.
Neither of which are easy) and that slackers shouldn’t be paid.
To prevent more fights I compromised, by letting the problem go and my son keep his coins until we could figure the whole thing out. We’re keeping the peace for Halloween, but haven’t talked about it at all.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, everyone pretty much addressed the issue with the chores but I just feel like there might be something going on here that goes deeper. You mentioned that your son is oddly obedient to a teenage boy. Is it possible that your wife might have been saying stuff behind your back to him that made him feel like he can’t confide in you?
Maybe she might have been blaming him about you two fighting behind your back and that’s why he’s being very quiet.
This kind of behavior from your wife probably doesn’t just manifest over these last 2 months. I would really suggest you talk to your son one on one and get to the bottom of it.
Talk to your daughter too, since she’s been telling the truth to you about this. I hope that it is not as sinister as I think but it’s just better to cover all the bases. In an extreme case, maybe you should put up an in-home camera to monitor the situation at home.
You missed two months of your wife and daughter not doing their chores and making your son do it, what else you might have missed???” lily23222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You two had a plan worked up. Your wife made decisions about the way YOUR son was being raised without consulting you, which went against the plan.
You evened up the score. That’s perfectly acceptable.
But I urge you to step back and really evaluate how things are going in your house. It really seems like your wife is treating the child who is yours only biologically different from her own.
That’s hard on a kid – I know. When my dad remarried after my mom died, my stepmother held me to a different standard than her kids. When I would say something to my dad about how unfair certain things were, he’d get mad at me.
I was told to keep quiet and just go with the flow because he didn’t want to end up in a fight with her. He let me be mistreated because it was easier for him. That’s not a good feeling for a kid.
Please make sure your son knows he’s important and deserves fair treatment.” booklovinggal
Another User Comments:
“Your son is going to hate you.
No, seriously. I can’t warn you enough about where this is headed. I’m now in my late 40s, and I barely have a relationship with my father because of how he allowed my step-mom to rig our whole household in favor of her two kids.
It had a terrible effect on my self-esteem, my ability (or lack thereof) to make friends, and my schoolwork suffered. It was awful.
Look, I think it’s great that you immediately paid your son all that moolah. My dad wouldn’t have done that in the same situation; he’d have told me to shut up and drop it, and then scream at me ’til he was red in the face if I didn’t – all to ‘keep the peace’ in our nightmare blended family.
But paying him the amount isn’t enough, not when it’s clear that your wife/his stepmom is playing favorites. The fact that she not only went behind your back to dump extra unpaid work on your son – so that she could do something special with her own daughter – but she called her own daughter a liar when she told the truth, sets off a ton of alarm bells for me.
That is craven, selfish, psychotic behavior. And screaming at you for getting caught? You should never scream in front of your kids – ever. Not saying I’m perfect and I’ve never done it, but… she screamed at you for catching HER in a lie.
She did something to hurt YOUR son so that she could take a child you share for a special bonding moment. If this doesn’t strike you as cancer in your family, then you’re lying to yourself.
I guarantee you that this is not the first or last time your wife has pulled a stunt like this.
Your son is probably harboring more resentment than he even knows – but he’ll recognize it when he’s older. And he’s not going to blame just his stepmom for playing favorites, he’s going to blame you for not sticking up for him. I promise you that at 13 he can’t articulate all these feelings and anger, but do not believe him when he says ‘it’s fine’ or ‘it was just the one time.’ Because when he’s older, he’s going to look back, see the way she treated him, and if you don’t do everything in your power to stop your wife now, he’s going to hate your guts.
Your wife is going to hold her current silent treatment tactic and anger over your head to get you to stand down, rollover, and just look the other way. You can totally do that, and things will quiet down quite a bit, but when you’re 80 years old, living in assisted living because you have Parkinson’s disease, and your adult son doesn’t even pick up the phone when you call, you’ll know why.
So be prepared for a chaos, ‘cuz the evil stepmom isn’t going to go quietly. But this is a fight you need to have – making it clear that you will not tolerate her playing favorites or scheming behind your back to hurt your son.
Good luck. Now go give your son a hug and tell him you’ll do anything for him.” KingstonPlace
16. AITJ For Telling My Advisor About My Roommate?
“I (18f) and my college roommate (18f) do not get along the greatest. I am a nonconfrontational person and I don’t like to stir up drama.
But would I be in the wrong for reporting my roommate?
For context, there are no separate rooms in our dorm, literally a bed on one wall and a bed on the other.
My roommate likes to take and use my things without permission leaving them in disgusting condition.
As well as have her friends and partner over all the time. Her partner often sleeps over for weeks at a time. Even though we have a policy in the complex I live in where we are not allowed to have a guest over for more than 3 days in a row.
She and her significant other keep me up all night and blast their favorite movies on my tv and are often noisy all night.
Yesterday was my breaking point. My roommate had some of her friends come over and I was wearing a pajama shirt and some shorts.
One of her friends started making crude comments about my body and kept aggressively hitting on me and wouldn’t stop even though I told them to stop and leave me alone. My roommate watch all of this and didn’t bother to tell them to stop or make any effort at all to stop them but instead laughed at it.
Here’s where I feel like if I do I would be in the wrong:
My roommate and I got along at first. There are some days when I actually feel like we are getting along. But this is a private college. This college takes harassment and student life very seriously and I do not want to be the reason why my roommate and her friends get in trouble.
I feel like I’m just being overdramatic and that I would be the jerk for getting them in trouble, but at the same time, I don’t even feel safe in my dorm any more thanks to her friends.
Tell me would I be the jerk?
UPDATE: I have spoken with my advisor and explained what has been going on. We have come to the conclusion that it will be best for me to change rooms and due to my mental issues, I am filling out the paperwork for a single-person room accommodation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The living situation no longer works for you. Write down what has happened. Tell the advisor that you no longer feel safe or comfortable living with this person. You want to be reassigned to a different unit.” Flat_Contribution707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your space as much as hers, and you have a right to feel safe and comfortable in it.
I know confrontations are hard, but telling your guidance counselor that you’re struggling is not confronting your roommate. It’s taking care of your own well-being.
Maybe the counselor could help you move to another room. Failing that, is there a chance you could stay off-campus somewhere? Your own room in a shared house would be better than the situation you are in.
Your roommate is a selfish bully, and you should not have to spend any more time in her company.” pocket_novelist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need to find a way out of that room asap. If there’s a hall or dorm manager that might be the best person to talk to. Ask if you can leave the room without your current roommate knowing your new location and then ask to file a complaint anonymously.
Do not stay where you might be unsafe. You might also consider if there is a friend you can stay with until you are able to move.” Labyrinthine8618
15. AITJ For Serving A Nutella Cake?
“I have a daughter Emma (7) and she has a best friend Kat (7). They knew each other since prep school and have been inseparable since. However they are not allowed to stay overnight at each other places as Emma is allergic to strawberries which Kat loves, and Kat is allergic to nuts, while Emma loves hazelnut and Nutella specifically.
4 months ago Emma received an invitation from Kat to her birthday party, which has been accepted. I have asked Kat’s mother before if I need to bring something for Emma, but she assured me everything is fine. When we arrived the entire party was strawberry themed and all the food (they only served sweet stuff) had strawberries in them.
Due to this, Emma gave the present she made to Kat and we left shortly after as I don’t want to expose my child to allergies. Kat was told that Emma wasn’t feeling well and we didn’t want to risk if it’s something serious.
Yesterday was Emma’s birthday. She wanted a Nutella cake so one was ordered. I have warned Kat’s mum that the cake will contain Nutella but cupcakes and other desserts are nut-free. She knew about that and everything went fine until Kat had to be rushed to the hospital due to an allergic reaction.
Kat’s mum forgot that Nutella contains nuts and let Kat have a slice while my husband and I were not watching.
She called me a jerk as she felt I was getting back at her for throwing a strawberry party and now her child is hurt.
She also said it in front of Emma so she is now feeling guilty and refuses to eat anything.
AITJ for ordering a Nutella cake for my daughter’s birthday?
Edit: I just want to add, in my country (not English speaking) Nutella is advertised as a chocolate spread, not as a hazelnut one, so a lot of people don’t realize it contains nuts, hence why I had to warn Kat’s mum about them
Edit 3: just a small thing. Due to how busy the bakery was and many other horror stories I’ve heard, the Nutella cake alongside cupcakes and other cake-based sweets was ordered before the strawberry party invitation. In fact, Kat’s strawberry cake and Emma’s Nutella cake both came from the same bakery.
I do not know when Kat’s mother ordered hers in, but assume a while back as well since the bakery is incredibly busy and popular.”
Another User Comments:
“I was going to say that ‘everyone sucks here’ but from what I gather from what you’ve written, Kat’s mum invited your daughter to a strawberry themed party, knowing that your daughter was allergic to them, and not only didn’t warn you that there would be lots of strawberries but didn’t have anything available for your daughter to eat, at all.
You made sure that there were plenty of nut-free treats at your daughter’s party for Kat to enjoy and you warned her mum that the cake was Nutella and therefore not safe.
She knew that the cake had Nutella in it but she forgot that there were nuts in Nutella… that’s on her.
She needs to be more switched on to what’s safe for her daughter to eat, as a slip like this could prove incredibly dangerous.
She even said that you were ‘getting her back’ for throwing a strawberry party, so she must be somewhat aware that she didn’t do a great job by not warning you or providing something safe for your daughter to eat if she believes she’s done something to warrant you wanting to get back at her.
I’m assuming you haven’t left anything out where you confronted her over the strawberry party or anything that might justify her believing this?
Final verdict: NTJ. You did everything you could to warn Kat’s mum and provide alternative treats for her to enjoy so that she wouldn’t feel left out, whilst also not sacrificing your daughter’s request for her favorite cake on her birthday.” TubbyLittleTeaWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did your part by warning her beforehand about the cake, it’s not your fault she’s irresponsible.
Kat’s mom, though… there are some worrying red flags there.
She throws a party for her child with strawberries everywhere, knowing Emma’s allergy.
I get that Kat loves strawberries, but surely she could have had some food without them, but it seems like she went out of her way to do the exact opposite and put them in everything. I’m sure there were other kids there, but the fact that she didn’t make an effort to ensure that her daughter’s best friend would be able to take part is… bizarre.
She was directly warned that the cake contains nuts, and she either ‘forgot’ or chose to ignore it. So at best she is highly irresponsible, at worst there is some malicious intent there, which is scary. That might seem like a reach on my part, but you mentioned in a couple of comments how Kat only ate the cake after her mother specifically told her it was okay.
Speaking of malicious intent, the fact that her husband was annoyed about her throwing the strawberry party suggests that there is, indeed, something off about her behavior. It seems unlikely that the party was an oversight or an accident.
As further evidence to #3, the mother’s reaction at your party is telling.
Did you specifically tell her (before Emma’s party) that you were upset about the strawberries? If not, then it’s interesting that her thoughts immediately went to you doing it deliberately; perhaps because… she did it deliberately?
I don’t know if trying to distance Emma from Kat is feasible, but you surely need to be pretty vigilant about their friendship.
Even if Kat’s mother is not malicious, she has proven herself to be irresponsible to the point of being dangerous.” adeelf
Another User Comments:
“I’m so torn on this one, but I think I’m going to give it a mild ‘everyone sucks here’.
(Not the kids.)
Kat’s mom is the bigger jerk for her reaction, but honestly. You two have two kids, who are best friends. In your own words, inseparable. Both are allergic to things that the other loves. Assuming that you want them to stay close friends, why are you and Kat’s mom not working together and choosing something that they both love, so they can enjoy their parties together?
They could have lemon cake. They could have coconut pound cake with orange frosting (providing nobody’s allergic to coconut). They could have chocolate (not chocolate-nut) ice cream cake or cheesecake or rainbow cake with marshmallows and unicorns or applesauce cake. And then at home with the family, they could have strawberry or Nutella cupcakes.
I do think that you’re both a bit of a jerk for not at least saying to your kids, ‘You can have this at your party if you really want it, but you know your best friend won’t be able to have any, right?
Would you maybe like to get something you can share with her, and keep the (allergen) for later, just for family?’
I have the sads now, thinking of all the possible cakes your kids could be enjoying together. (I’m diabetic. No lovely cakes for me.)” FakeNordicAlien
The fact that Kat's mom thought otherwise after the strawberry birthday party tells me she knows what she did at HER daughter's party wasn't very considerate.
No strawberry free food of any kind knowing her daughter's best friend is allergic? That's a bit suspicious to me.
OP doesn't deserve to be labeled a spiteful jerk just because Kat's mom didn't know Nutella contained nuts and didn't do her research.
14. AITJ For Making My Husband Do Chores At 3 AM?
“My (32F) husband (27M) Tom lost his job weeks ago.
It was hard on him because he worked hard to gain his previous position and was let go over a petty dispute and false accusation as he claimed.
He has become depressed and stopped functioning like he used to. I tried to give him time and space so he could deal with his issues but he stopped doing almost everything.
He: doesn’t go out/shower/brush his teeth or hair/basic tasks are so hard for him to perform and self-care is out the window. I work from home and my job involves a lot of paperwork to get done. Last night I stayed up late getting work done in the living room because I didn’t want to bother him while he was sleeping in the bedroom.
I finally got done at 3 am and was exhausted. I walked into the bedroom and lay in bed but quickly noticed the bed was wet. I got up, turned on the lights, and saw a stain.
My husband woke up asking why I turned the lights on.
I asked what that stain was and he casually said almond milk that he accidentally spilled earlier on. I flipped out and told him I was done cleaning after his mess and told him to get up but he told me off and covered his head with the blanket telling me to turn the lights off.
I pulled it away and demanded he gets out of bed and goes turn the washing machine and wash and replace the sheets then clean and dry the bed immediately. He said no several times but I had a loud argument with him causing him to get up.
I started giving him instructions on how to work on the washing machine and basically walk him through every step while he was complaining about what a cruel person I am to make him do this at 3 in the morning and said I could’ve waited till the next day and he’d get a cleaner or something but he has no money so I knew that wouldn’t happen.
What am I supposed to do? Let the milk rot on the mattress and sheets? He kept throwing a fit basically dragging his feet saying I give 0 care about his mental health and his struggle. Once he got done he took his pillow and went to the living room.
I had to get a mattress and sleep on the floor and it wasn’t ideal but at least I didn’t have to worry about handling cleaning the mess he made the next day.
This morning he became completely silent and refused to reply to anything I said.
Basically sulking claiming I was bossing him around now that he no longer has a job.
Was I the jerk should I have waited till the next day?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Supporting a depressed partner takes a lot of mental and emotional energy (speaking as somebody who has both supported and been the depressed partner).
In any relationship, there needs to be a give and take. At our best, the give/take is 50/50. When a partner has a mental health setback, sometimes it needs to be 95/5 – and that’s ok too, albeit temporarily. But it’s okay to expect that bare minimum 5% effort of your partner; just enough effort to not make you sleep in filth when you’ve had a long day, enough to not damage furniture when you’re down to a single income.
That is a reasonable expectation.” FivePickleMorning
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But the neglect your husband is exhibiting is an illness and not jerkery. BUT! He’s gaslighting you and saying that you ‘don’t care’ about his mental illness by having healthy, generous, reasonable boundaries is a jerk move!
It’s like a child saying that you don’t love them by keeping a routine about mealtime, bath time, and bedtime; they get the thoughts ‘I don’t want this’ and ‘They don’t love me’ mixed up and can’t yet empathize enough to appreciate what the parent is doing for them.
He’s behaving just the same childish way. Ave you’d be reasonable to have a boundary about this behavior, too; you’re not his Mommy and his laundry lady (since Mommy shouldn’t have to be a live-in maid and cleaning slave, either). He’s not functioning, and he’s not succeeding in getting out of this on his own, so he needs to get the help he needs to function.” mawlz2012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because someone is drowning doesn’t mean you have to drown too. In fact, forcing him to face and fix his mess is probably a good thing because he can’t hide behind his mental illness and you aren’t coddling him.
You’ve given him plenty of space and support but when it starts to impact your relationship and other people, it’s time for him to get out of bed and get help. Please help him get to a doctor and therapy and encourage him to take steps to get back to work.
I hope things get better for you both.” ajbshade
13. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit For My Sister?
“I 30-year-old female living with my husband in an apartment complex. I have an older sister with 2 kids (nephew 3 & niece 6). Her husband (kids’ stepdad) and I don’t get along and disagree on a lot of things.
I don’t know if the real problem is me or him but he has resentment towards me. I watch my sister’s kids from time to time and her husband is fine with it as far as I know.
Last week we all met at my uncle’s home except my husband.
BIL and I got into a stupid argument when brought up my husband’s mental struggle and made fun of it. I embarrassed him by saying at least my husband has a real struggle and not neglecting his stepkids to go gamble with friends and get his wife into debts to pay.
He got offended and made a scene then left. My sister came over the next day with the kids and apologized then asked if I could watch the kids till 1 pm. I said absolutely the kids are innocent in this and my sister is trying to make a living and pay off debts.
At 10 am my husband was asleep when the door knocked. I opened it and there was a cop standing outside. First I thought my unhinged mother called the cops (another story) but was shocked when the cop told me that my bro-in-law called them claiming I was having his stepkids stay with me despite him not agreeing.
I told him there must’ve been a misunderstanding because the kid’s mother brought them to me to babysit after she asked and I said yes as their aunt. I even called my sister and put her on speaker and she was confused. She told the cop her husband knew and had no problem with her bringing the kids over to me and even gave permission.
At this point, I figured BIL was trying to get back at me because of our argument. I was terrified because if my sister didn’t confirm what I said then my BIL could’ve framed me for God knows what especially after he claimed that my husband was mentally unstable.
The Cop took my sister’s contact information and told her to come to pick the kids up. This was ruled out as a family dispute but I was shaken up by what happened because I had unpleasant encounters with the authorities. This cop seemed understanding yet strict.
My sister said she just got into a fight with her husband for basically calling the cops and lying to them to get back at me and kept apologizing saying this won’t happen again. I was upset. I said I don’t care and won’t be babysitting the kids for her anymore because like I said I have so much on my plate and don’t want issues with the authorities.
She begged to say she was struggling with finances and can not afford a babysitter now. She reminded me of how much she supported me in the past which is true and I felt bad for not wanting to help her while she was struggling (and because her husband is the problem) but I suggested her husband step up since he doesn’t want me watching his stepkids.
She says it’s complicated.
So am I wrong for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but maybe come to some kind of compromise for the sake of your sister? I feel like I’m the only one who’s gonna be suggesting this but it seems like she’s in some kind of emotionally abusive relationship.
She’s putting up with a piece of work like your BIL.
Maybe ask for BIL to properly apologize (record this apology somehow for the future), and maybe a written contract, or every time the kids are over at yours your sister sends you a voice note confirming that the mother of her children is aware and consenting to have her kids over at their aunts.
Like I completely understand why people are saying don’t babysit for her ever again but 1. Those kids already seem to be in a routine with you and it would be cruel to take that stability away, especially with them being so young, and 2. At the end of the day, it is your sister who you seem to be very close with and she seems to be struggling with a lot of things and you’re helping to alleviate this burden.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister needs to deal with her husband. She can’t find childcare because of him. I’m surprised they didn’t charge him with filing a false report. This could have ended so badly for the kids. It could have been extremely traumatic for them if it was handled differently.
Imagine cops, people they don’t know, grabbing them & locking them in the back of a cop car while they watch you & your husband getting handcuffed & taken away. He’s destroying your sister’s life & you have every right to protect yourself from getting dragged into their mess.” Gimmecheesenow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister’s husband sounds like a real piece of work. I would be honest with your sister that her husband mistreats her and the kids and is manipulative and petty and you don’t want to risk your future so she can pay his debts.
The likelihood of you getting arrested is pretty much nothing since you have the actual parent’s permission and he’s just a stepparent, but I absolutely get why you don’t want to have to worry whether he’s going to be a child the whole time every time you watch your sister’s kids.
I would also make sure to send HIM a message and make sure he knows that he is 100% the reason you won’t do that for them anymore because he went too far and now he’s risked his family’s future for petty revenge.” BeTheCheeto
12. AITJ For Not Sending My Daughter A Wedding Gift?
“My daughter and her fiancé decided to get married very low key as they live quite far away from fam and wanted to go minimal. We have talked, skyped, texted, etc every day.
Her civil ceremony was what she had wanted. No fuss. They left the next day for a week of solitude. Last night she called (I’m her Mom) & she was pretty worked up, crying, angry & upset b/c we didn’t send them a gift. Now, they have planned a reception next spring in the city here with all their ppl & friends.
We are doing the caterer & venue and have a gift for them also…
So basically she believes we resent her for not being invited to the ceremony and we’re punishing her by not sending a gift. No one was invited. Every single day we talked and – I would never knowingly cause her pain.
It’s bothering me a lot and I’m thinking I might just be a jerk so I turn to you.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
This seems like poor communication more than anything. Just because you two talk nearly every day doesn’t mean you don’t miss things.
You should have clarified a while ago that you would give them a gift at the reception and not now for their elopement. She clearly thought otherwise and assumed that it was an intentional slight – she might have already been worried about what you all would think about not being a part of the small ceremony and connected nonexistent dots.
You should talk it through on the phone, explain what you were thinking about a reception gift, and assure yourself that you aren’t upset for not being in the ceremony. Wedding planning is stressful even for a small ceremony, and that probably played a role here.
Or maybe her new husband’s side gave a gift and she started overthinking the fact that you did not. The point being, it’s a miscommunication you both need to calmly talk through.” srhlzbth731
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re paying for the reception and giving her a gift then.
Sounds like your daughter is being a bit of a bridezilla here. You talk every day. Why wouldn’t she approach you like an adult instead of throwing a temper tantrum?” ughneedausername
Another User Comments:
“You have a year from the wedding date to send a gift and it still is good manners.
I couldn’t afford a gift for my brother’s wedding this summer so I write out 20 family recipes. The gift doesn’t have to be monetary. You should give a gift to your daughter or it is rude. If this was your niece I would be like ‘meh’ but your daughter?
At least send a card with motherly advice. It’s just good manners, no wonder she’s sad. YTJ.” Flashleyredneck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re paying for her venue and caterer, why in the world does she want ANOTHER gift? That sounds entitled to me.
I assume you congratulated her? If she is the type to measure love in gifts, that’s on her. You are not wrong here.” Alarmed-Hamster-4047
11. AITJ For Not Following Up On An Informal Wedding Invitation?
“In Australia where I live certain cities are far more affected with health issues than others – Melbourne, where I live with my immediate family, has just come out of a months-long restrictions, while Adelaide where most of my extended family life hasn’t had severe restrictions for almost the entire year.
My cousin in Adelaide is getting married early in the new year – in July she posted a link to her wedding website with the date + venue to the family social media group and wrote: ‘more details to come.’ That was the last time anyone in my immediate family heard anything about the wedding plans.
Last month my mum spoke to her brother and asked about what the situation with the wedding was – the groom’s family is international, and with the international borders still closed there was no clear answer as to whether they could actually come. He said that they were still going ahead.
At the time the VIC-SA border was still closed too, so it was up in the air as to whether their interstate guests would be able to travel too.
Today my mum got a call from her brother, sounding confused and kinda hurt that we weren’t coming to the wedding – apparently, the bride was upset that nobody from my family reached out to her.
My mum was confused in turn because we hadn’t actually received invitations or heard anything more from the bride about the wedding. We went back to the wedding website for the first time in months and there was now an RSVP button – saying that RSVPs were due three weeks ago.
Nobody in my household had looked at the wedding website since it was first posted on social media months ago and there was never anything else posted to tell us that the details had been updated.
My mum told her brother this and pointed out that with the volatile border situation for both interstate and international, we were waiting for invitations before actually making travel plans because flights and accommodation probably won’t be refunded if there’s another sickness outbreak.
We had no idea that the website had been updated with details and nobody ever told us. On the other hand, we didn’t pursue any further information either which might be on us – it’s not that we don’t care or anything like that, just that being in isolation for so long we weren’t thinking about traveling/making plans to travel.
Are we in the wrong for not reaching out to my cousin to ask for more details as the date got closer?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Like many events. It really is the job of the host. In this case, the bride and groom take care of the invites.
I know that so many of us are on social media, but not everyone is on everything and not everyone is on the daily. So, sometimes old school is better. Send out actual invitations or at least emails. If you know the person has it.
I know many seniors who do have an email address but are enjoying retirement too much to bother checking it all the time.” Sammakko660
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Formal invitations should have been sent through the mail. It wouldn’t have to be fancy or expensive.
A document with fancy font printed on one piece of paper could do the job. Just, anything saying RSVP by a certain date.
You live in Australia, a lot of you guys have been locked down. I’m an American and know that you guys’ travel is really restricted. I don’t see how someone who lives in your country didn’t know this?
Your cousin honestly sounds pretty self-centered.” thiswasyouridea
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are some persons out there, who transferred their whole social life to social media. While this is their decision, the expectation of all humanity to walk this way is out of line.
This would take a few minutes, just to send an email to the whole family, perhaps with a link to the site. But obviously, no one expected this move. So no way all others were wrong here.” BertTheNerd
10. AITJ For Planning A Trip With My Bestie Without Our Other Friend?
“In order to be able to fully assess the situation, I have to explain a few things in advance: My best friend (F20, let’s call her Emily) and I (F20) have been best friends for like ever – we met when we were 6 y/o and have been inseparable since.
We never argued and I’m sure we’re platonic soulmates.
2 years ago Emily met another girl (Linda, F18) who she became good friends with. I met her a while ago and also befriended her. She’s a really nice person and fun to hang out with but she can be a bit exhausting as she always wants to be the center of attention and always wants to one-up people.
I don’t usually go into it. Her greatest character trait is being with Emily. She is very affectionate and almost possessive. I can look over this because she’s funny, supportive, and in general really sweet and everyone has some annoying traits.
I’m not jealous because I know no one will come between us even though we both have other friends.
I only get a little irritated now and then when she invites herself over or makes a jealous scene when we do things without her.
I booked a short trip to Amsterdam for two people and invited Emily to have some quality bestie time.
We do that once in a while because quality time is our love language and we both work and got uni.
Now Linda is mad that I didn’t invite her and insists on joining. I told her she can’t because my car is not big enough for 3 people including luggage and the Airbnb only has a bedroom for two and no sofa she could sleep on.
Emily tried to talk to her and explain the situation but she just threw a fit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all but maybe you should be firm about the reason or else she may just book her own accommodation etc. ‘this trip is something we’ve wanted to take together since we were kids.
We want to go as just the two of us’ maybe? I don’t know you know the girl better maybe she’ll lash out lol.” Grubby-housewife
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has to understand that your friendship with Emily is different. That’s just how the world works.
If I saw this twenty years ago I’d probably suggest making a ‘date night’ or acquiescing to her tantrums but… not anymore! I’m 40 and girl let me tell you, sorry for Linda, but too bad. Boundaries are so important and this can be a good place for her to start getting comfortable with them.” freethewimple
Another User Comments:
“No definitely NTJ, you’ve been friends with Emily for a long time before you even met Linda, it’s understandable you wanna spend some time together. I’d understand she might be hurt if the three of you often spend a lot of time together, but if she’s just a casual friend she has no business throwing a fit.” Sunflower0a
9. AITJ For Not Asking My Pregnant Friend About The Gender Of Her First Child?
“My friend of many years is pregnant for the first time. She used to be my party friend. A few weeks ago she told me she was pregnant and I was a little shocked but happy for her and her partner.
I’m not yet ready for children and we used to be on the same page about that for a long time. Both my friend and her partner make jokes about the fact that I’m not yet the motherly type all the time, so they already expected me to be shocked when they told me.
But I got the feeling they thought that I’m not happy for them. That is not the case, I just didn’t have that baby fever reaction other women tend to have. She herself never reacted like that to baby news weather. My other female friend reacted extremely happy.
She herself just had a baby.
Later: In our WhatsApp group, she commented a few times about the cake she would give to her parents to reveal the gender of their baby. I asked her if she was going to give a gender reveal party for her friends, and she said no. The following week she must have had her echo, revealing the gender of the baby.
I was curious but didn’t want to ask in the WhatsApp group, I didn’t know when or how she wanted to reveal the gender, but thought via WhatsApp wasn’t personal at all. She commented later that she had bought clothes for the new child because now she knew the gender.
I still didn’t ask what it would be. Nobody in the app did (7 p).
This week: I wanted to plan a double date with her, her partner, me, and my partner. So I texted her for information. She read my app but didn’t react.
Later I asked again. Still no reaction. So I felt like she was a little mad at me. Somewhere I felt it was about gender. maybe. So I asked in the WhatsApp group if she already told her parents. No reaction. Later that night I found out my gut feeling was right.
She texted me that she was disappointed in me for not asking about the gender of her first baby. That she didn’t care about the other people in the group not reacting, but that I hurt her for not asking her what the gender was going to be.
She said she gave plenty of hints in the WhatsApp group.
She said she knew I didn’t like children, but that she had expected me to be more involved because I am her friend. I called her and told her I love them both (her and her partner) and certainly am interested in their lives but I didn’t know she wanted me to ask via phone or WhatsApp about the gender.
We spoke about it, I said sorry for hurting her, but she eventually told me the gender and she is no longer mad. But I still feel like I didn’t do anything wrong. She also said she wasn’t the only one thinking I should’ve asked earlier.
Feels like she talked about me behind my back. I cried on the phone because I was sad she felt hurt and I know I am a good friend and it kind of hurts me that they think that I hate children so much that I just ignore the fact that she is pregnant.
I just didn’t know if it was my turn yet to ask. AITA?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I honestly just think this is a big miscommunication, but your friend’s reaction makes her just slightly more of a jerk. You didn’t ask her the gender out of fear of being rude and impersonal. That’s more respectful than anything, even if it’s not what your friend wanted. Her reaction to getting mad at you and giving the silent treatment is pretty immature.
I am also someone who believes that if someone wants me to know something, they will tell me. This causes issues for some of my friends that don’t like just blurting out personal info without being prompted, so I work harder at asking them things but they also have to know that sometimes they are going to have to blurt.
Maybe have this discussion with your friend and discuss expectations around sharing information.” luckywizardd
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but if she said in the group that she ‘had bought clothes for the new child because now she knew the gender,’ that was the indicator that she wanted to talk about it, and that was your cue to show some and interest and say something like ‘would you like to share the gender or are you choosing to keep it a secret for now?’
I do think you did ‘something wrong’ in that respect, but only in the sense of a small misstep, not a great emotional injury. She overreacted, but keep in mind that she’s pregnant, and there’s a lot going on physically, hormonally, and emotionally.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you tried to be respectful. Maybe she should’ve given you those ‘hints’ separately, of she didn’t care about others in the group chat. It feels like, she thought if the baby is hers, you’d magically take extreme interest and be all about her pregnancy and now she’s disappointed because her fantasy didn’t transfer to real life.
This is not your fault, she just had unreasonable expectations considering your feelings about children and now needs to reconcile them with the reality, that although you (I suppose) love and care for her a lot, her being pregnant isn’t going to suddenly make you do a 180 and love everything about kids and pregnancy.
You can’t force feelings and you did, what you genuinely thought was the best, so don’t feel guilty.” Katesaurus
8. AITJ For Hiding My Roommate's Bowls Until She Gets A New Mop Head?
“My roommate has a history of playing t*t for tat with me. For example, she uses my things and doesn’t clean them or put it back the way she found them, and I ended up hiding my things away because of that, so she started hiding her same things away too when I never use her stuff.
I have a mop I bought which was really expensive and I take really good care of it. She is moving out soon thankfully, but she used my mop without asking. I never told her my stuff was communal. I checked this morning and saw the mop head black and smelling rotten, and sitting in the corner.
So I took her bowls on the counter because I had enough of her crap I guess and I’m waiting till she gets back to tell her that until she gets a new mop head for my mop, I’ll give her back her bowls.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s a mop. She sucks for leaving it dirty. I don’t understand why basic cleaning items like mops, vacuums, and brooms wouldn’t be used by all. They are used to clean a shared space. It seems ridiculous for each person to buy their own mop when it’s being used on the same floors.
You’re childish for hiding her bowls instead of talking to her about replacing the mop head.” Fritemare
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, IDRC how much does your mop cost, it is a mop. Mops are for cleaning things. If I had a roommate try to tell me I need to buy my own mop I would laugh loudly in their face, never mop anything in the apartment ever again, and immediately, start looking for a new place.
Are you really bent out of shape about a dirty mop? That shows you how toxic the roommate situation is. I get being heated about roommate stuff, trust me, I’m not judging you so much as I’m saying it’s time to find a new room/roommate.” l1ghtra1n19
Another User Comments:
“I’d say everyone sucks here. I understand wanting to spite her and get her back, but tbh she probably doesn’t realize how annoying her borrowing & not returning in previous state/place tendencies are, which in turn just creates more stress on you.
You’re wasting your energy on someone who doesn’t recognize the problem. I would say have a genuine talk with her and try to see eye to eye.” weezy-weez
7. AITJ For Telling My Little Sister She Probably Has A Mental Disorder?
“So this happened today, I (18f) was in my room before hearing my mom loudly berate my little sister (12f) about not focusing on her studies and never memorizing anything, they have been getting ready for upcoming tests so this wasn’t unusual.
Anyway, my sister came in crying about it, and I tried to comfort her as best as I could. Now, I’ve been thinking seriously about her these past few months and I’m pretty sure she could have ADHD overlapping with other learning disabilities, I’ve researched the topic for a long while and I can really see her in many if not all the examples and symptoms of ADHD and one of them was low self-esteem where the child will start losing confidence in his abilities and feel inferior to his peers because they always seem to grasp things better than him, and I really didn’t want my sister to feel that way for long… so I told her that her brain works differently and that not being able to focus or memorize things despite her efforts wasn’t her fault, I explained to her what this could be, a neurological problem that you don’t have control over but you can try to work through it with different tactics and whatnot, I tried to explain it both to her and her twin sister because they often get compared and it’s not fair because the other one deals with her studies fairly normally.
In the evening, I went on about it to my mom, I kept telling her about the high possibility of the disorder in my sister, and how she will need way more help to adapt to life with it, I did make her read about it and everything, she said it doesn’t have a treatment so there’s no use dwelling on it so much, she’ll try to do her best helping her study and it’ll go with time just like it did for her and me and my brother, etc (we all showed similar symptoms but never as bad as my sister, and we did grow out of those), She proceeded to make the remark that I shouldn’t -under any circumstance- tell my sister that she has a disorder because that’s going to make her think something is wrong with her and that’s gonna mess her up.
Now I don’t know if I did the right thing when I told her… I mean if I were her I’d prefer for someone to tell me why I seem to struggle so much when others aren’t, and why all those normal methods don’t work for me, and why people don’t understand me, but maybe she’s too young for that and I made a grave mistake-?
I’m not sure anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“Yup YTJ.
As a mental health professional, I can tell you firsthand the impact of a diagnosis of any kind is on someone especially mental/emotional health-related.
You do not have the knowledge or expertise to throw around that kind of assumption.
If you are truly concerned about your sister, you should discreetly talk to your parents and let the trusted adults and pediatrician in her life assess the situation.
Furthermore, if there are truly issues impacting your sister’s learning, it is more than likely that it is being monitored by your parents, her pediatrician, and her teachers.
Yes, there are situations where kids fall through the cracks, however, if the impact is as far stretched as you think it is, it’s probably on at least someone else’s radar.
I do understand where you’re coming from. I have a sister 10 years younger than me who has ADHD and is potentially on the very borderline of an Asperger’s diagnosis.
When my little sister was in high school, our middle sister was constantly commenting on my sister‘s diagnosis or what she thought it should be and thinking that she knew what to do better for my sister than my parents. She may not have been wrong on everything, but the way she went about it was not OK and it forever damaged the relationship.
If your sister is struggling, you need to be a safe place for her and not try to fix things because that is not your job. If you see that the adults in her life are not attempting to help her, you should address them and/or other support in your life.
Also, try to remember that as a big sister, you probably aren’t fully engaged in all of her school things and potentially don’t have the full picture of both an issue and the support to remedy it. For example, at the time my middle sister was trying to help my little sister, she had never even bothered to find out that my parents have been working with the school counselor and pediatrician consistently for years.
Also side note: I have a Master’s degree in behavioral health and before I took time off to be home with my babies, it was my actual job to do diagnostics for mental/emotional/developmental disorders and delays. Even with that training and experience, I know it would not be appropriate for me to diagnose my sister at 12 or now 22.
I answer questions and give advice when asked by her or my parents, but I mostly point them towards resources.
Remember that as a big sister your little sister looks up to you and takes what you say very seriously! Use your words carefully and as hard as it is try to be there for support more than trying to fix!” Starrynight118
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless you are a medical professional in the said area you cannot diagnose people based on google.
Moreover, you don’t share your diagnosis with a kid.
My oldest is on the spectrum. We had to move to Florida and lived with my in-laws for a short period so he started school in that area.
He was 10 at the time. His classroom teacher decided to make him watch videos about how people on the spectrum act up and it’s ok. Well… it wasn’t ok. He was a perfectly decent kid at the time and suddenly he started to backtalk, break things on purpose, skip his homework, curse, make messes on purpose, etc his reasoning was ‘well I’m on the spectrum and people with ADHD acts like this so it’s fine’…
Only after we found a place to move in and change his school again we could finally fix his attitude…
Never understood why a teacher who is supposed to be experienced about kids like him would enable him like this.” jasemina8487
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ. Only because it wasn’t worded in the best way, it may have been better to raise the issue with a teacher or doctor or something before telling her. I say this because I was an ADHD kid and being told it really, really freaked me out at the time as I wasn’t old enough to fully understand but old enough to know I was a ‘freak’ in the eyes of my peers.
Your heart was in the right place and please don’t beat yourself up about this, but if it comes up again with your sister, maybe guide her to talk to a professional.” Princess-toggenburg
6. AITJ For Asking My Husband To Be Better With Finances?
“I (24F) grew up kind of poor, my husband (22M) was very well off growing up and never had to worry about finances. Due to my upbringing, I am VERY obsessed with saving coins and find it very difficult to spend moolah even on things I need. (I am considering therapy for it don’t worry) As a result of this mentality, I have 10’s thousands dollars saved up and have no debt.
However, my husband has maybe 500$ to his name and a little bit of debt. We split the bills and he always has his half, but the issue is, he makes more than me.
After calculating our bills, he should have a couple thousand a month extra after bills, yet he somehow spends it all.
I don’t even understand how someone can spend that much a month! I bring it up that he needs to learn to save coins and stop spending so much on silly things. He usually gets very defensive and says ‘it’s his money he should spend it on what he wants’, but since we got married I think the responsible thing to do is to save up as much as possible or at least have a well-off savings account.
This topic usually results in an argument (which I start because it is a serious topic) and I am not sure if I can handle the stress of knowing if anything goes wrong I will have to foot the bill or he will take out another loan.
AITJ for wanting him to be financially stable? Or should I let him spend his money how he wants?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You just have very different attitudes towards finances. I think it’s unrealistic to expect your husband to change his habits entirely, to be honest, but it doesn’t mean you can’t work towards a compromise.
Perhaps ask him to agree that he won’t take on any debt which shouldn’t be a problem if he has a lot of dispensable income and contributes towards a joint savings account with you. That way you’re both saving but he should have coins left to spend as he likes.” Suspicious_Safety_45
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Discussing financial compatibility is one of the core conversations that should be had BEFORE marriage.
You’re both grown-ups, so you shouldn’t have to act like his mother and scold him to be responsible with his finances. It’s his money and he should be able to spend it however he wants – as long as all agreed to bills, etc are paid for first.
On the flip side, spending in a way that leaves your spouse solely responsible for savings ‘in case of emergency’ is both fiscally irresponsible and being a crappy partner.
You both need to have an honest and open conversation about priorities. If you can’t find a middle ground where you both are happy with how finances are dealt with, perhaps you need to admit you aren’t as compatible with each other as you thought.” curious_seahorse1
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You both have wide divides in how you think about finances. Like most things in any relationship, you need to be thinking about compromise. It’s unrealistic to project your specific values about money onto him, and likewise, he shouldn’t expect you to be as financially loose as he is.
Maybe a better tactic, if you guys don’t have a joint account already (from the sounds of it you don’t), is to open one that you both contribute to each month. It doesn’t need to be all or even a majority of the amount you make, but it’s a good idea to start with contributions being equal so you walk in on equal footings and set rules, like all funds in this account is for spending on activities together or things you both want (it needs to be a joint decision).
This might mean you guys have to save for that thing you both want, like a vacation. It introduces your partner to the idea of saving for something he is invested in wanting, and it also forces you to set a portion of moolah aside for spending on something frivolous or nice that you might otherwise have not purchased…
but most importantly you have an open and positive way to talk about finances and acknowledging its a shared asset and can open doors for more fully integrating your finances down the road and working as a team rather than two individuals.” BatAxies
5. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Friend Who Was Chasing Money?
“I have had this friend for 20 years. For the last 10 years, we’ve been going to play badminton every Friday and Saturday, and during this time, I’ve been driving him everywhere to Hurstville, Milperra, Botany, etc. Last year, I decided to start going to the Sunday Badminton session again.
However, the Sunday session only accepts cash, and I have trouble keeping actual cash on me (I prefer debit transactions). Anyways, a few times, I would ask him to pay for the badminton fee ($10). I would then pay him back. Admittedly, he would need to remind me, but I always paid him back.
For the last 6 years, he has never offered to pay half of the fuel or anything. When I told him that he should appreciate these free lifts, he would say ‘why? It’s on the way anyway.’ A combination of ‘I know he doesn’t understand it’ and ‘CBF to explain why’, made me just drop it.
However, I would occasionally bring it up.
Anyways, the incident happened two weeks ago. I drove him to badminton and I don’t have cash on me. I asked him to pay for the badminton fee. He did, and then he told me to pay him back.
I said I will. I drove him to dinner, ate some food, and as I was about to transfer him, he asked me some questions and stuff, which made me forget. And by the time I got home, I have completely forgotten about it, which was my bad.
However, on the following Friday, after the badminton session, a bunch of friends, he and I decided to go out and eat. My other friends congratulated me on my promotion and made a joke that I should shout for the meal. This friend of mine was also pushing it, so I decided to shout him and everyone a meal. While everyone is ordering food, he decided to order some expensive food for everyone using my money.
Anyway, in total, the whole thing was around $105.
The next day, he sent me a message that basically says ‘I still haven’t paid him back the $10. I should’ve done it without him chasing me, and that I should be more responsible’. When I saw that message, I was disappointed. I quickly transferred him the $10 and basically didn’t message him until today.
I told him that his message offended me. I said that I don’t care about the moolah, but it’s the fact that you asked me for it right after I shouted to you about the dinner, and that then I would’ve thought that the dinner would’ve covered the $10.
He responded that the shouting for food is separate and that I still owe him, and that he always needed to remind me to pay him back. I told him why do you need to remind me when I’ve already technically paid you back with the food I bought you?
EDIT (More to the story… Aftermath):
When I messaged him about it. He got angry at me saying that I shouldn’t use me shouting at him a meal as a ‘repayment’ because I’ve shouted at everyone else’s food. I then told him that I didn’t need to shout at one food, but I did it out of the kindness in my own heart.
Why did you expect me to shout you a $105 meal, and then still expect me to give you back the $10?
He then got upset because I was annoyed, and thinks I’m annoyed because of the money. I told him that it wasn’t about the money and that even if I only had to pay him back $1, I would still be annoyed because I’ve literally done so much for you, and you’re not appreciative about it.
He replied, ‘I thanked you yesterday!’
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
There are three separate things and you are viewing them all as one transaction. He should be chipping in for fuel, but that is a separate thing from the $10 fee for badminton.
Whether or not you choose to make his chip in for fuel, you owe him the $10 unless he agreed to pay for fuel and then didn’t. You can’t just retroactively charge him when he didn’t have the opportunity to make other travel arrangements.
And the meal is completely separate as well. You can’t just offer to buy someone dinner and then say ‘this covers the $10 I owed you’.
You sound like you are generous and fair with your money, and I get why you’re annoyed, but you need to get him to agree to chip in for petrol/write off your debt in exchange for dinner beforehand, not after the fact.” Victim_Of_Fate
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, though him far more than you.
You should be more responsible with finances and bring your own and you should pay your debts promptly. If you are just going to electronically transfer funds to him if he pays the $10 for you, why not literally do it at the moment he pays the $10 coins?
Then there is nothing to forget.
He, on the other hand, is a user and that’s a much bigger problem. He will never, ever treat the things you do for him as worthy of his gratitude and will always try to work things out in his favor.
Some people are just like that. If you are going to be friends with them you have to be constantly vigilant against their gimme attitude, or accept that you are going to get taken for a ride on a regular basis. Or just don’t be friends with terrible people.” jacquilynne
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If someone loans you money and expects you to pay them back, then pay them back… simple. That $10 may seem small to you but it may be a big difference to someone who is struggling financially. Paying for everyone’s meal was a separate thing and while it was tacky for your friend to choose an expensive dish, it should be separated from the badminton fee loan especially since you should have paid him back before that event.
Based on your statement, it seems you and your friends take turns paying for everyone’s meal so this really should not be relevant to the story. I also understand that gas budget wasn’t a part of your deal and after so many years, you can’t really complain since you have never asked him for a contribution.
Personally, I hate lending out because I feel awkward asking people to pay me back and I shouldn’t have to ask. If you’re going to be borrowing coins from your friend every week, then it’s best to pay him upfront or do auto pay.” Jam_reader84
4. AITJ For Making My Younger Brother Watch Disturbing Videos As Punishment?
“When I (26M) was 22 years old, I had to step up and take custody of my younger brother Isaac.
He was 14 then and is now 18. It was really hard on me, I had to step up and suddenly become a parent to him. Our parents were addicts and they’re not in the picture, and almost all our family abandoned us, promised to be there, and just never stepped up.
Isaac is a really sensitive kid, sometimes he has really bad panic attacks, and needs huge amounts of reassurance. He’s not so independent on the emotional side, but he is still very responsible and doing good in school. He just likes to stay with me and live at home while in college.
Recently, he had some friends over and they were drinking. (We live in Europe, 18 is legal). I didn’t mind that until they got out and wanted to drive around. I called Isaac aside. I asked him what was he doing and he said he only had one beer and that’s nothing and that he was fine.
I said no, and he got upset and started to argue with me. I didn’t want to embarrass him, so I told him to go inside and told his friends we had some emergency and that I’m sorry they had to go without Isaac.
We had some arguments back and forth. I told him to sit down at the computer and played a compilation of videos of people driving under the influence. Isaac started to freak out after one video, but I made him stay for at least 5 minutes.
I was watching it with him. He wasn’t having a full-on panic attack, but he was slightly trembling.
After that, he just apologized and went to his room. He didn’t get out for about 3 hours, and when he did, he wasn’t talking to me much.
Only short answers. I’m scared I traumatized him.
EDIT/update:
I talked to Isaac today. I explained to him why I showed him the videos, explained that one beer can lead to more and that I will always be there to pick him up, even when I have work in the morning.
Isaac told me he got more upset that I seemed angry, and not because of the videos. Isaac says he understands and that it was a bad idea, and promised he won’t try and do that ever again. I believe him. He also said he expected me to come up to his room, which is something I know now, so there’s that.
The two of us drove around, played some music, and enjoyed our time. My little brother is okay, and he is not traumatized.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You clearly had control over your brother’s ability to drive and exercised it so there was no danger of an incident that night.
In convincing him that drinking and driving is a bad idea, jumping straight to horrifying videos is questionable on its own, but using them as ‘punishment’ is excessive especially given your description of your brother as ‘really sensitive.’ If he’s old enough to drink and to drive then he’s old enough to carry on an adult conversation about the impairment of judgment and the consequences of doing something dumb like driving under the influence.” libra00
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was getting himself into a situation where he or others could’ve been harmed. His nonchalance about such a serious situation was alarming and needed immediate handling. He needed that reality check and to understand that he can’t trust himself or others to drive while intoxicated. Five minutes might’ve been too much but any trauma from the video you showed is significantly less bad than whatever he would have to go through if he were to kill someone in an accident because he was driving under the influence.” ThatDamagedAABattery
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, intentionally inducing a panic attack is not teaching. Intentionally causing a panic attack is not parenting. It is not discipline.
I know the videos you’re talking about, they’re compulsory in the US. They are also designed to be grotesque, excessively graphic, and emotionally distressing.
They are not educational materials. You could have taken the time to choose balanced videos with at least some educational value. But you did not.
Instead of absorbing any content, your brother got traumatized. And your reaction to the panic attack was callous and cruel.
You owe him an apology for that. All you’ve done is establish that you are not a safe person for him either.” JustheBean
3. AITJ For Enticing A Kid With Toys So Her Dad Would Buy From Us?
“Wife & I have garage sales almost every summer.
I hate these because it just highlights how much we have & don’t need. We wake up at 4 AM to set up tables, haul all this garbage out of our house, arrange it & price tag it for dollars & cents. We make nothing and have to deal with haggling people trying to nickel & dime us on some useless trinket or old shirt that is priced at $2 in the first place.
I just give all kinds of deals & slash prices left/right in an effort to move it all. My solitary goal is to get it all out of my house!
To top it all off, we have a bunch of unsold stuff at the end of the garage sale that we then have to pack it all up in a car & drop off at either Savers or Goodwill, donate it all.
Whatever the donation place doesn’t accept we then drive to the garbage dump. So I hate garage/yard sales & hate ourselves for accumulating so much crap in the first place. A wasted day, we don’t really make anything & the enormity of how much stuff we end up throwing out leaves me feeling guilty.
Day of the yard sale, we had a large pile of stuffed animals we somehow ended up with. Filled up an entire fold-up table. I spot a little girl looking at the stuffed animal table & a devious plan develops. I walk over & kneel to her level, asking her where her parents are.
She identified them & I take a stuffed animal from the table & ask her if she likes it. Her eyes light up & she hugs it. I give her another & another & another & soon this girl is buried up to her eyeballs in stuffed toys. I tell her she could have them, it is her lucky day!
I ask her to run to her father & show him the toys… To bring him back to the table & ask him to buy them for you! I hoped I could get rid of the table this way.
The father eventually tracks me down & is angry I gave him a crying daughter who wants 25+ stuffed toys.
We go back & forth a bit but I was already sour about the wasted day so I told him ‘you are arguing with me about something which is entirely optional for you. Either buy the toys or don’t, I don’t care. But tell me what you want to do.’ He says ‘You don’t understand children & you did me dirty’.
I say ‘I actually do understand children & this is what happens when parents don’t supervise their kids – they want you to buy half the store. If you’re that offended I’ll give you these toys for free and put this behind us.’ He angrily said ‘No I don’t want any charity from you, I’ll pay full price & leave now.’ ‘Great & thank you!’ I said.
He bought the whole table!
My wife was appalled & called it diabolical. She was glad I got rid of more items; it was shameful to use a little girl & father like that. Regardless, she had some admiration for my ‘salesmanship’. I was just glad I had one less table to donate to the Goodwill or junkyard, whichever.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You manipulated a child because you buy too much stuff and are too lazy to deal with it yourself? And then you continued to be rude because you were ‘sour about the wasted day’? Try taking your own advice: Buying all that stuff was completely optional, and you chose to do it.
So quit your whining and stop using your own lack of self-control as an excuse to behave like a sweaty t******e because you’re mad that your neighbors aren’t buying all the junk you chose to buy so you don’t have to be responsible for it.” SpectacularTurtle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you manipulated a child to soothe your own crap feelings. If you don’t want to have a garage sale then don’t. Either just donate the stuff to start with (lots of homeless shelters or women’s shelters would LOVE to have stuffed animals for the children that turn up there) or just don’t buy so much stuff, to begin with.
You’re not obligated to have a garage sale every year and you REALLY shouldn’t be manipulating small children just because you feel annoyed.” kellydofc
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and not even for the whole salesmanship thing.
I actually do understand children & this is what happens when parents don’t supervise their kids – they want you to buy half the store.
If you’re that offended I’ll give you these toys for free and put this behind us.
What does that even mean? It’s one thing to encourage a sale, but now you’re calling this guy a bad dad for letting her kid fall for it?
That part is so absurd that this is either an ‘everybody clapped’-type fake story or you truly are the jerk for not even admitting to what you did.” User
2. WIBTJ If I Complained About A Teacher "Raising Her Voice" To My Child?
“In the last week of the previous half term, something happened at my (f) daughter’s (9) school. Apparently, they have recently had trays that go under their tables to put their books and stationery in.
And according to my daughter, lots of the kids thought it was fun to try and knock the trays on the floors with their knees because it makes a loud noise, and then they can waste time picking them up. My daughter said this was annoying the teacher and the teacher started giving out warnings to anyone who did it.
My daughter accidentally knocked hers on the floor and she says the teacher got cross and in her words ‘her voice got louder and she sounded cross but she wasn’t shouting shouting’ (this sounds like shouting to me) however my daughter got upset and cried. My daughter then said that the teacher didn’t give her a warning when she saw it was my daughter because she isn’t one to cause trouble.
The teacher told her to be more careful still in her loud voice.
My daughter did say that the teacher called her over later in the lesson when the children were getting on with her work and said sorry to my daughter and that she knows it was an accident and shouldn’t have got cross with my daughter.
My daughter isn’t upset now (a week later) but I was pretty angry when I found out that my daughter had essentially been shouted at for an accident and I want to complain to the school. My husband however thinks that isn’t a big deal and complaining about it is ridiculous.
I think if a teacher can’t control herself enough not to be shouting at 9 year olds, she should get another job. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t really like this teacher as she has taught my older child before and seems to be pretty strict although my children say she is also ‘funny sometimes’.
Her teacher last year was lovely and never got cross although I will admit the work my daughter is producing this year is of much higher quality I don’t want the teacher to think she can be an ogre to achieve this. So, WIBTJ if I complained about this teacher shouting at my child?”
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t say YTJ, but… the teacher apologized to your daughter, and teachers are human beings too. Should she have yelled at your daughter? No, but people are human and make mistakes. Going to the school after this teacher apologized and your daughter is not distraught over it would be a bit of an overreaction for a simple mistake.
Teachers are not perfect and get frustrated, but because this teacher did apologize to your daughter for being a bit cross, there’s no reason to go to the school. If she hadn’t apologized and your daughter was uncomfortable or anxious about going into the classroom then yes, it would be justified.” ohmymaria218
Another User Comments:
“As parents, we have a tendency to overreact to situations we weren’t there to see. You couldn’t protect her at the moment, and even though she’s moved on that bothers you. But you should be happy that your daughter has a teacher who is mature enough to recognize when she’s been too harsh and take the time to apologize.
I wish my teachers had done that even once when I got in trouble for something trivial.
I understand about not losing patience, but have you really never had a child do something that you asked them not to do and got annoyed? It happens to the best of us.
We are human beings, we make mistakes. Your daughter got an opportunity here to learn that adults are imperfect and that she can still hold them accountable for that because they should recognize their own actions and apologize for them. Take the good from it, and try not to let the initial gut reaction bother you.
I’m sure it was a loud, jarring sound when it hit the ground. A lot of people get scared by things like that and react. I’d have jumped out of my skin and looked very silly.
Had it escalated or been something that made your daughter feel unsafe in the classroom, then you should have a chat about it.
But your daughter is totally fine, received a proper apology, and probably doesn’t want you to jump in and say something. My mother had a habit of trying to protect me in school and instead of making me feel awkward for sharing something with her because I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble, I just wanted to talk.
I think given the time that passed and the moment clearly being over for her, YWBTJ.” justlemmeread
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Your child explained the situation to you, that all the kids were intentionally being disruptive in the class with almost damaging school property, all to, as you said, ‘waste time’.
Yes, your daughter did it by accident, but the teacher responded by being firm by telling your daughter to not do it again. AND THEN she went back to apologize to your daughter for raising her voice. That’s a good teacher she has right there.
Teachers have to be firm in keeping order in their classroom, to an extent. As long as the teacher didn’t cross any lines (it sounded like she didn’t, and if she got close, she apologized for it) and she taught your daughter something valuable.
Adults can make mistakes too and it’s ok to apologize for them.
You need to let this go. Your daughter has a good teacher right there and it would be a shame if you tried to take that away. It sounds like, yes, the teacher had built up annoyance from all the other kids choosing to be disruptive and cause trouble.
The teacher clearly understood where that was coming from and made it right almost immediately. Teachers are humans, too. They can make mistakes. Since it seems like a one-time incident, just let it go.” jdessy
1. AITJ For Hustling In The Middle Of The Plane From The Back For Deplaning?
“I’m not going to lie I buy the basic ticket. I don’t upgrade anything so when I was seated in the last row of the plane I was fine with it.
This leg of my flight was only a 30-minute connecting flight. I had 1 hour to get to the next flight that would get me home from work.
Here’s the issue. Passengers boarded the connecting flight on time and while we were waiting for take-off, the pilot then says there will be a delay of 30 mins.
Cue nervous sweating.
We land at a large airport and I see that I have only 30 mins to make it to my final flight so when the seat sign is off I grab my bag and zip up to the middle of the plane to where I’m now stuck because deplaning is slow…
While I’m in the middle of the plane with my bag in hand, the dude next to me is moaning and groaning in his seat about how people make getting off the plane harder. I knew this was pointed at me so I said ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to miss my next flight and need to hustle out of here.’ The dude then says ‘Well, then you should’ve planned better.’ In rebuttal, ‘I’m so glad you’re psychic but I’m not.’ Then l left the plane ahead of him and made a mad dash to my last flight.
AITJ for just not waiting in my seat and taking the consequences that come from having a budget flight?”
Another User Comments:
“I get it, but YTJ for your reaction. This is one of those moments where you kind of have to do something that isn’t cool, so you don’t get to be anything other than apologetic.
You broke plane etiquette, you had a decent reason for doing so, but you don’t get to snap back at people who are justifiably miffed by your behavior.
As an aside, people who don’t follow these types of etiquette rules infuriate me more than almost anything else.
Like, do they not think that everyone else also has somewhere else they need to be? Do they think they are more special than everyone else on the plane? That their needs are more important? I really try not to judge, but people who do this sort of thing without some kind of justification are people I just don’t get.
I’m not saying you didn’t have a justification, or that I wouldn’t have done the same in your circumstance. Sometimes you kind of have to be ***** to get through life. But, in those times when you are an *****, you have to recognize it and react appropriately.” If-By-Whisky
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Depending on which airport you were passing through, the overwhelming majority of people on that plane could have been connecting also, so you have no way to know that your connection is more important than anyone else’s. Airport specific again, but some of them might very well have been trying to get to international flights where missing their connecting flight sets them back by a full 24 hours.
And saying that because it’s only one person so it won’t make a difference is missing the point and also pretty naïve. Other people who may have had the same circumstance chose not to be jerks and got screwed by those who were.
And there probably was more than one person besides just OP, doing this, all of whom are jerks.
In most places, if you politely ask a flight attendant, they won’t help you personally, but they’ll make an announcement that because of the delay, a lot of passengers are potentially affected, and they will ask anyone who is not connecting or doesn’t have a short connection to please wait until those with tight connections are off.
And most people will honor that.” hopeless704
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – absolutely. What you did does cause unneeded delays for other passengers. Are you the only one affected by the 30-minute delay?
No, you booked the cheap ticket. You booked a very short window between flights.
Mismanagement on your part doesn’t mean it’s now OK to cut in line.
First off, if you booked these tickets as one flight, the departing plane knows that you were delayed and USUALLY will wait for you if it is just a few minutes.
Secondly, you should have communicated with the flight attendant about your concerns. She could have helped alleviate those concerns in a multitude of ways (calling ahead, verifying departure times, or even moving you to the front of the plane).” *****************
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