People Ask Us To Express Our Views On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Putting Makeup On?
“My dad is very, very anti-makeup. He hates it and looks down on women who wear it.
According to him, women who wear makeup are (1) only doing it for men and are therefore attention seekers, or (2) are doing it to hide ‘ugliness’ and are, therefore ‘fooling’ men by hiding how they truly look. Even my mum hides her makeup from him and only wears light makeup that makes it appear as though she’s not wearing any at all.
My younger sister and I had all these ideas drilled into our heads our entire lives and it’s taken me a long time to begin unlearning them.
I’m 18 now and for the majority of my life I never wore makeup, but recently I’ve started experimenting with things like lip-gloss, blush, and nail polish (I know that doesn’t count as ‘makeup’ necessarily but my dad was heavily against that too lol), etc. I don’t wanna throw myself into the deep end and wear too much too fast, but watching tutorials is helpful and I’m easing into it.
My sister is still completely against it and doesn’t like that I’m going behind our dad’s back.
Well, recently I went out with a couple of friends who suggested we go makeup shopping. I was obviously aware that I’d have to hide all the products I bought from my dad.
We bought a bunch of stuff that I was excited to use and then headed to one of my friends’ houses to chill for a bit. Long story short, my friend ended up doing my makeup – she also gave me a bunch of tips on how to apply certain products, which order to do things, etc. It wasn’t heavy makeup at all (as I said, I’m still easing into it and don’t want too much too fast) and looked pretty minimal in my opinion.
After that we hung out for a while longer and then I went home.
Since I was wearing makeup and was also carrying a bunch of makeup products that I’d bought that day in my bag, I planned on just beelining it up to my room because I didn’t feel like explaining myself to my dad.
But luck wasn’t on my side and I ran into him on the way up to my room. He saw my face and immediately put 2 and 2 together. Even knowing how he feels about makeup I didn’t think he would get this upset.
He yelled, called me a disappointment, and blamed my mum for not ‘keeping an eye on me’ and letting me turn into ‘one of those girls’. He even dragged my sister into it (who did nothing wrong) and called her a disappointment too.
It devolved into him claiming that if I’m willing to go behind his back and wear makeup, then it’s only a matter of time before I start ‘hooking up and getting pregnant’ instead of going to uni. I was floored and didn’t know how to respond, I knew he hated makeup but didn’t think he would say all of this stuff to me.
I didn’t think it was this serious.
I’m not allowed to leave the house without supervision now and all the makeup products I bought are being returned. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You participated in a fun, harmless social activity.
Makeup is a method of appearance modification and has an extremely long history. Appearance modification is part of being human; we trim and shape all of our body hair, choose different styles of clothing, erase our natural scent to replace it with other smells, and use temporary or permanent skin color – everything from makeup to henna to tattoos.
We all modify our appearance to greater or lesser degrees and have varying lines in the sand as to what we consider acceptable on a daily level.
His ‘line in the sand’ is different from yours and different from most of society.
At 18 you’re an adult. Unfortunately, it sounds like you’re still living in their home. I expect that you’ve been encouraged to remain there through college and that any other options have been looked down on.
You have two options: 1) stop learning about makeup while you take advantage of free housing 2) stop taking advantage of free housing and find your own way in life.
Both will be difficult.
Being an adult isn’t a prize you get for being obedient. You choose to be an adult by choosing to make your own decisions and abide by their consequences, or you choose to remain an obedient child.
Nobody can choose for you. It’s up to you when you’re ready.” AltDogBarkBarkBark
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is a bigoted pig. Also, just for your information – most professional women wear makeup because it looks more polished & professional. Many of these don’t care what men think.
For many (& maybe even MOST) women, it’s about looking put together & polished. It certainly isn’t to trap a man NOR fool a man.
Only a real egotistical narcissistic jerk of a man could believe that anything & everything a woman does MUST be about a man.
He sounds abusive. (Your mom, a grown woman, has to HIDE a perfectly normal thing that most females do from him.)
You’re not allowed to go out unsupervised anymore? You’re 18 years old. That’s legally an adult. Yet he basically keeps you, prisoner, in the home – only allowing you to leave the home with a supervisor/escort.
That is NOT normal. In fact, that’s more than abnormal – that’s scary.
Your dad is a major jerk. Please get out of that house as soon as you are able.” TheFlamingSquirrel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad has no business claiming he’s omnipotent about why women choose to wear makeup.
And it is ALSO okay for a woman to want to wear makeup as part of her personal grooming to attract interest.
The idea that ‘good women’ don’t draw attention to themselves is misogynistic nonsense.
What your dad is doing isn’t out of love or to protect you – it’s out of disgust for women as attractive beings.
You’re an adult. You don’t need his permission for every single decision you make.
And that includes the decision of when and who to sleep with. If he wants to encourage you to prevent unplanned pregnancy, shaming you about sleeping with men doesn’t work.
Education works. Access to contraceptives works. Discussions about how it’s okay to wait/enthusiastic consent works. (If you haven’t had a conversation with your doctor or ob/gyn about safe intercourse, you should – even if you aren’t active.)
And now he’s restricting your movement/putting you under surveillance because…you bought makeup? This is an extreme overreaction.
You are in the best position to make a decision about how much of this to play along with and how much to resist while you are still living in the same household, but you are absolutely not the jerk here.
Oh, and in regards to your sister – even though she’s a minor, children aren’t property; if she wants to wear makeup, that should be her choice. It’s not permanent like a tattoo.
It also means that this ‘going behind your dad’s back’ over makeup is nonsense.
That implies he controls your body.
Good luck OP.” Kettlewise
20. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Take My Brother To See His Significant Other?
“My (23F) brother, Gui (17F) is currently going out with a girl. They lived in the same city, but the girl traveled to another one for college and she will travel tonight to do a 6-month exchange.
Gui can’t drive legally yet and for reasons I won’t explain, he doesn’t use buses or planes.
I’m on vacation from my job, I drive and I have my own car. Gui came to talk to me on Friday about wanting to surprise the girl on Sunday (today) and I asked if I could take him with all the expenses paid by my father/mother.
My parents couldn’t because my mother doesn’t go on the road and my father has to work very early tomorrow and wouldn’t make it on time.
Guys, it’s a 14/16 hour trip depending on the speed and although we’re staying at the hotel today, we’d have to come back tomorrow without delay, because I have an appointment on Tuesday with no chance of rescheduling so early.
In addition to being extremely tiring, doing this route alone would take 28 hours (I even asked my SO, the person most likely to help me with this, and even she jumped off the boat).
I brought up all these reasons and he started almost begging me to take him that it wouldn’t hurt me to do this favor.
I pondered all this and kept to no because it’s very tiring and a near-turn is crazy. He was disgusted and in the end, my cousin and a friend of his agreed to do this crazy thing. My parents said I was too harsh and that it was a favor for a family member, it didn’t cost anything to do that.
I really don’t know if I was a jerk, but for me, it’s extremely insane a trip like that in this style.
AITJ?
Extra: I forgot to put it in the text, but they saw each other last week when she came to my city.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother wants you to drive 16 hours one way on your vacation so he can spend some time with his SO. No, you are on very firm ground here. If it were me, people would have to do a lot more than just pay me the expenses of the trip.
I also notice the people criticizing you are people who also had excuses why they weren’t driving your brother also.
Your brother is going to have to learn to live with the fact that he is in a long-distance relationship, and it is his responsibility to figure it out, not the responsibility of the people around him to help him make it work.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A 14-16 hour drive warrants no less than a week’s vacation in my eyes, especially with gas prices being as high as they are. Not to mention the fact that this is YOUR vacation week, and I’m sure you have plenty of things you need/want to do with your free time.
You are not a taxi service, and you are especially not a taxi that your brother can rent for 48 hours during your free time. I’m honestly insulted for you, I can’t imagine having any family members with the balls to expect me to drop everything and drive for almost two days straight just so they can********.” boorella
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have zero obligation to make such a trip and you actually can’t reasonably do so with an established appointment on Tuesday.
He’s going to have to get used to staying in touch with her in other ways or find some means of transportation that doesn’t involve whining about the fact that the lives of his family members can not revolve around his desire to see his SO.
I am married and, due to the nature of my husband’s work, I sometimes don’t see him for 1 to 2 months at a time. These separations are not the end of the world, especially now that there are so many ways to communicate.” rapt2right
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Half-Sister's Wedding?
“I (18F) have 3 siblings, a brother (26M), sister (22F), and half-sister (30F), we all share the same terrible mother but have a different father than her.
Recently, my half-sister got engaged to her current fiancée (32M). My dad doesn’t exactly approve of this wedding but he hasn’t said anything to her cause he just wants her to be happy which is completely fair if she wasn’t such a stuck-up jerk.
The family she’s marrying into has been nothing but rude to us, they were extremely homophobic to my other sister and made inappropriate jokes about her being gay at an outing. It offended my sister which led up to my sister completely cutting contact.
Her fiancée’s mother also harassed my brother as a ‘joke’ and he constantly sent her inappropriate images and messages, he confronted her about it but my half-sister just said it was all jokes and he shouldn’t take it so seriously since she does that to all the guys in the family.
Recently, our half-sister invited me, my brother, and my dad to the wedding. She asked me to be a bridesmaid which I was completely okay with even tho I hate that family and was kinda excited since it would be my first wedding I would’ve attended. Then she asked my dad not to walk her down the aisle with her so her bio dad can, even tho he abandoned her at birth and only came back into her life a few years ago and barely talks to her unless he needs something.
He’s not even paying a single penny for the wedding which broke my dad, since he gave up so much just so she could consider him her dad and is paying for the whole wedding. A few hours later, we found out that my half-sister invited our mother to the wedding.
Basically, after my siblings ran away, I was left alone with my mother for 4 years, being mistreated. It was a really traumatic experience for me and everyone in my family knows what happened but my mother’s family always chose to ignore it and say she went through worse.
I told her I will not attend if my mother is there and if my dad doesn’t walk down the aisle with her as well, I’ll still not go, I even confronted her about the family being homophobic and the situation with my brother and I said that I refuse to accept that she’s marrying into this cruel and disgusting family and will never consider them apart of our family.
Ever since I told her that, I’ve been getting harsh comments from her fiancée’s family and some of my family saying it’s disrespectful of me to not go and not to forgive my mother for just one day and that I should move on from it and let her choose which father she wants to walk her down the aisle and that I’m hurting my half sister’s feelings by embarrassing her on her ‘big day’.
But I can’t just ignore everything that’s been going on. It’s just all wrong to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bye. I hope your brother ditches her too. She has no loyalty whatsoever. How disrespectful. Inviting her deadbeat parents and making one of them walk her down the aisle even after everything your dad did for her?
She’s let her fiancee’s family treat you all like trash repeatedly, showing time and time again that you all are no longer a priority to her. She’s not your family.” Vivid-Masterpiece-29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your mom did is not ok.
Your half-sister looks like she’s putting on a show for the in-laws ‘look my 2 bio parents are here and doing what’s expected – yay’.
Block all the in-laws. I can see no reason why you would need to communicate with them so don’t.
Don’t go to the wedding. I didn’t see your other sister being invited so that’s enough of a reason not to go.” Heraonolympia123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, similar mother situation but with a stepmother. First off, no one can ask you to be in a situation that makes you uncomfortable and demand you say yes.
Forgiveness does not mean facing the person who was awful to you for years.
Ask them to stop eating, showering, etc for a few days while getting verbally and physically tormented for even a month, and then maybe you’ll consider it.
Sometimes people can’t understand the gravity of mistreatment and that is not your fault. You don’t need to sacrifice your mental well-being for that.” Vegetable-Box3050
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend A Lot To Attend An Anniversary?
“I’m American but currently live in Asia with my wife and 2 kids. (Twins 10 yo) I work as a teacher at an international school and have lived abroad for roughly 20 years.
My parents’ wedding anniversary is this summer. I have a brother and 2 sisters all of whom are married with kids. The whole family was gathered on a zoom call last month and we were making plans for the anniversary and we were talking about how excited we were to come to visit because with the terrible state of the world, we haven’t seen each other all face to face in 4 years.
My brother mentioned he had just gotten a timeshare in Jamaica and wanted to have the anniversary party there. After the call ended, we looked it up and found that flying to Jamaica would take around 35 hours one way and would cost over $10,000 US total. So we sent a message to all my family explaining that we couldn’t fly to Jamaica, but if they had the party closer to where our family lives on the East Coast we could come.
(13-hour flight, $6000) or even better if they wanted to fly west and meet us in California or Hawaii that would be much cheaper for us.
Everyone said ok and I thought that was that until this morning on another call when I learned they were going ahead with the party in Jamaica.
I said I thought we weren’t going because my family can’t go there and they essentially told me to******* up and make a sacrifice for the family since my brother has this timeshare and it’ll save everyone money.
This angered me, because 1) we are spending far more than any of them to attend regardless, so we will be sacrificing no matter what.
2) asking us to spend a total of almost four days on airplanes is a great sacrifice. 3) in the 20 years I’ve lived in Asia my brothers and sisters have NEVER made an effort to visit. My parents have visited and we used to come back every other year to see everyone but they never have even tried. My wedding, the birth of my kids – nothing.
So I said if the anniversary was in Jamaica we weren’t going and they were all angry.. I feel bad because it was my decision to live abroad and I shouldn’t punish them for it, and I do make more money than them so it does make sense for me to pay more, but still… AITJ for not wanting to spend ten thousand dollars and fly 4 days to attend an anniversary?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They basically uninvited you when they chose Jamaica.
As for the timeshare, let’s do the math: two parents, four siblings, four spouses, five children minimum assuming each sibling has only one… fifteen people minimum. In one-time share.
For how long?
The whole thing is ridiculous. Oh and it’s not 35 hours in a plane, it’s way worse – 18 hours in a plane and 17 hours in two airports. At least the planes have comfortable seats. And, you will spend the whole time in Jamaica recovering from the flight, then you’ll fly back and have to spend another several days recovering from the trip back.
I’m not going to look it up, but my guess is that Jamaica is a ten-hour time difference. That’s a huge shock to the body.” jdogx17
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They’re right, it’s your choice to live overseas and they’re entitled to go with the plans that are cheaper and more convenient for everyone else rather than all having to bend over backward just to accommodate you.
You’re not obliged to come if their plans don’t suit you, but it’s pretty jerkish to expect 4 other families to cater to you and to waste time and money just so you can save time and money. Why do you think you and your wife and kids are the most important people here?
Your family.” Roadlesstravelledon
Another User Comments:
“The event planned sounds like a big family holiday with the anniversary as the excuse. If you want to celebrate your parents’ anniversary, go home the week after and spend time with them just your family and them.
I’m sure they would love spending that quality time with you as it’s a rarity. I personally would not go out of my way and make my children’s lives uncomfortable just to please siblings I don’t feel make an equal effort for me.
NTJ.” Heraonolympia123
17. AITJ For My Weird Morning Ritual?
“I’ve always had extremely vivid dreams that are about the only way that I get emotional insight into my life.
I like to take about 5-10 minutes after I wake up to process that dream and understand it. The second a word is said, it breaks that reflection, and I cannot get it back. I can’t remember the dream unless I process it right there.
I’ve asked for a year and a half now of my fiancée, just please don’t acknowledge me in the morning until I get up, let me just have a moment to reflect. She still says, ‘Good morning, I love you.
The time is X,’ when she sees my eyes open. This is normal, and fine for most, so it’s hard to get mad at, but it just feels like I’m walking with a bunch of glass dishes and she stops me short so they all break.
I’ve said specifically ‘Look, I need this to start my day, and I start on a bad foot every time that I don’t get this time to reflect. I can’t get it back, I can’t just reflect around it, I need you to hold your good morning until I greet you.’ I’ve always said please, I’ve always pleaded, and after months, I’ve begun snapping at her good mornings and saying like ‘You are disrespecting my needs by continuing to do this, please, for the love of god, stop doing it’.
Now I get it. Sometimes a cat pukes in the morning. Sometimes someone is at the door or calling me. Those are natural things that break concentration and I get it, those are just lost forever. That doesn’t upset me, I mean it does, but I get over it and accept I’m going to be askew.
I just don’t know how to put into words ‘the very act of your addressing me is the affront I am experiencing’ in a way that isn’t going to get ‘Well I see you’re awake and it’s hard to remember not to say good morning when I see you and I’m also just waking up!’
I don’t know. This is a big deal to me. Not even a comprehensible idea to her. It’s really starting to affect my daily ability to get up and do the day. I just don’t want to wake up if I can’t set my mind right.
I genuinely can’t connect with the entire day without reflection in the morning.
Edit: I do not expect her to wake me up at certain times, the REASON she tends to say good morning first is because she sleeps in the same bed with me and wakes up before my alarms go off.
I still love her, for a thousand more reasons than not, but jeez. It was shorthand proximity information.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t even have as specific a reason as you do, I just wake up a bit crabby & slightly disoriented and really don’t want to interact with anyone until I have had a chance to drink my first cup of coffee in peace.
Sometimes, as you describe, it’s inevitable that there will be intrusions into that time but I probably wouldn’t have continued going out with my husband if he hadn’t been so sweet about my need to have a ‘transition period’ in the morning.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Everyone has rules in their life their partner should abide by. Whether they’re hard lines, expectations, or anything else, it’s expected your partner should respect them if they value you. This isn’t the first time they’ve done this and if it’s been more than a year then I’d say they are inconsiderate and that’s something you need to check them on.
Someone said it’d be hard not to say good morning to your partner. What’s hard about giving them this simple thing they’ve been asking you for? If THAT’S such a hard task for you then you shouldn’t be in any sort of relationship because that’s way too easy of a thing to give.” FloRida_StuntDouble
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a complex neurological process. So between your sleeping state and your gradual transition to your fully awaken state you need to consciously be present with yourself to put things in place. That’s just how it is.
It’s actually a gift, your dreams. I suspect that you are gifted in other ways also. With your partner, these things are always about more than the issue.
I don’t know why are you still sleeping with them.
There is an obvious biological challenge you have at the beginning of your day and she chooses to disregard this. This is a dealbreaker. Do you understand that? She is carefully showing you that she doesn’t care about the fact that you’re functioning like this and she doesn’t care and she’s going to override it and ignore it and disregard you because she doesn’t care.
This is unacceptable.” mcclgwe
16. AITJ For Threatening My Coworker?
“I (22F) am a graduating senior college student and recently resigned from my work due to my busy schedule.
One coworker, J (35F), borrowed about a few bucks nearing a hundred cause she said she had not yet gone to the bank.
She promised to pay me the next day but then, she was absent from work.
After that, I got sick so I had to be on leave for 2 weeks. When I returned to work, I directly asked her to pay as I need it for my check-ups.
She said she’ll pay me before our shift ends but she was not able to as her shift ended earlier and I had to do overtime. The next days, I kept reminding her about it but she said excuses, how she is financially troubled due to her car that needs maintenance, or her child that needs whatever.
She kept on saying she will pay after our next paycheck but she’s always absent on the days we receive our salary. She kept on speaking to me at work about other things but when it’s abou her debt, she diverts the topic.
I did lie low on asking for payment because I’m getting annoyed and don’t want to lash out in anger. But 3 mos passed, and she never paid at all.
I spoke to her on my last day at work, that I really need the funds to pay for my college fees and she said by the next paycheck again.
I got annoyed and walked away. I asked for her phone number from my other co-workers and they told me to make sure to get my money back because she also borrowed a huge amount from other co-workers whom she all blocked after they tried to contact her.
I called her the day we had that next paycheck. I calmly told her to pay what she owed me right now since I urgently need it and she agreed. The call ended, I texted her my account but she did not reply at all.
I tried calling her multiple times but the call no longer goes through so I texted, ‘If I don’t get my money now, I’ll sue you and report you to our company and then the local police.’
I got a reply that I was being rude and nasty since it was low for me to threaten her as her signal was just low.
She texted back, ‘Why are you so rude? For just a few bucks, you’ll sue and report me? How childish and immature.’
This triggered me and went on to text her about her shamelessness since she had the nerve to be angry when she never did what she says.
I told her, ‘You don’t have to be scared of being reported if you paid that ‘just a few bucks’ as you said you would.’
She kept on insisting I am being impatient and immature, that being rude and nasty about it won’t encourage her to pay.
She’s saying she’s now anxious because of it and that I should not be that impolite to the other people who need help since I will surely regret my actions when I would need others’ help.
I did not care at that time since that ‘threat’ made her pay for the money but I am now overthinking if I had been too harsh on her.
I feel guilty since I had to resort to that just to make her pay for the money. She also resorted to telling my coworkers about my behavior, wherein some of them would say, I’m too harsh and hung up on a few bucks.
Am I a jerk for threatening her? Should I apologize since it made her anxious?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, go through with your threats because she has proven she won’t give you the money anyway. I’d get statements from the other coworkers about the amount she’d borrowed from then and didn’t return and go to HR with that and your police report, I don’t know if they will give you one, you might need to take her to civil court.
Hopefully reporting her to HR would be enough.
Tell her if she doesn’t hand the money to you (don’t mess around with those apps if she uses a credit card she can dispute the charges and take it out of your account) if she doesn’t hand you all the cash in the morning of your next work day you will giving a file to HR.” Eat_Pray_Reddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you didn’t threaten physical harm to her or her property. All you did was essentially tell her if you don’t pay me back, I’m going to take the appropriate actions to get my money back. That’s how adults are supposed to act.
She’s just upset because she never had any intention to pay you back. And she probably spun the story to your coworkers as a lot harsher than you actually were. That’s what people do when they are playing the victim.” No-Somewhere-8011
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but, this girl is… turn her in and see if the office can help you out. I have to say if this is how she is with others and no one gets their money back, neither will you.
There are people out there that do this all the time. They say they will pay someone back and never do, then get quite upset when the person, who has waited some time, asks for their money. Good luck, but, in the end, do not be surprised if you end up with nothing.
A bittersweet lesson learned… lending money, especially to those you do not know well, often goes this way… I am sorry…” GrayHerman
15. AITJ For Ruining My Ex's Life?
“Me (21 F) and my ex (21 M) were high school sweethearts, (we dated from 17-18) everyone always said we’d get married and have babies whatever.
Fast forward to 2019 – 2020, we weren’t really working out and I started to realize he had a really bad obsession with me. Like he was obsessed with every little thing I did, who I spoke to, what I ate and how I dressed. It even got so bad that he started stalking me.
He would wait outside my house all night in his car and my neighbors would complain that he was taking up parking space and didn’t live on our street and was disrupting the public peace with his loud music because he has a subwoofer.
(I live in a private residential area that has security). He would always conveniently be at the arcade when I was with my friends, at the gym when I was there, outside my work to pick me up every single day when I finished my shift, and just other little things that I brushed off as him just being clingy.
I remember telling my sister about how odd he was acting towards me and how obsessive he was and she told me that he was stalking me. She told me to get my older brother (25 M) involved as he is a big guy and a lot of people know of him for being pretty scary.
I took her advice and told him.
My brother didn’t take this lightly. He then went to my ex’s house and threatened to ‘ruin his life’ and fight my ex’s older brother who was a lot more scrawny than my brother.
After a little time, my ex finally decided to leave me alone but I was then struggling with bad PTSD with the trauma my ex put me through (I summarised a lot of it as I’m not sure if I can put some of it on here).
So I decided to go to the police and start a court case against him.
Now 2 years later, I have a restraining order against him and he is not allowed to come near me, my family, or my friends but now that I’ve gotten closer with a lot of people from high school, they’re all calling me a jerk and saying that everything he did to me isn’t as bad as what I put him through with court and getting my brother involved.
They’re saying that I got him kicked out from our local gym, he finds it difficult to get a job now as this is on his permanent record and people all over our city know him as a crazy stalker ex.
They said that he can’t get into a new relationship since everyone is scared of him and now his mum and brother don’t speak to him the way they used to. Basically saying that I ruined his life and I didn’t have to go that far.
I don’t think I did anything wrong as I was protecting myself and my family but now I’m starting to second guess and think I was the jerk and maybe I did overreact. I am considering going back on my restraining order to make things better but don’t know if I should.
AITJ?
EDIT: we broke up in January 2020, and I told my sister and brother in June 2020.
ANOTHER EDIT: When I say ‘he finally decided to leave me alone’, he stopped briefly for about 2 weeks and then continued again once everything died down.
This time the situation got 100x worse. That’s when I felt like I had enough and got the police involved.
Also about the severity of the situation, another example would be in Feb 2020 he turned up at a guy’s (who I was seeing) university hall.
I’m not sure how he knew I was there and came to his door, (he was on the very top floor, right at the back) and started knocking on it telling me he was going to unalive me. I came out and he dragged me down the hall.
It got pretty bad. This was all caught on CCTV and was used in court.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and not even close to one. I’ve been in a very similar situation to this – I was harassed, and stalked by a man who I had to report to the police and then get a restraining order against because he was just so dangerous and delusional.
And it is a very real thing that despite all the evidence and obvious truths of the situation that you are the victim of some unstable person’s obsession. There will always be people who actively condemn you for standing up for yourself.
Don’t let these people bully you into believing your response wasn’t justified. What that guy did to you was a crime and was clearly building up to what could have been a dangerous situation. He was a threat.
You had every right to report him and get a restraining order and it’s his fault he’s now having to live with the consequences. He brought it all on himself. And your ‘friends’ calling you a jerk are not your friends.
Cut off all communication with them, seriously, because it’s clear he’s using them to get to you. I’d even recommend reporting what’s going on to the police cos he may be breaking the terms of the restraining order by going through them.
Stay safe, OP. And don’t listen to anyone who tries to play down the seriousness of your experiences with this stalker. Cos there is literally no other way to deal with a stalker like this other than reporting them to the police and forcing criminal charges against them.
Stalkers just don’t stop on their own accord, their crimes will only ever grow in intensity until they eventually build to some kind of violent act.
Keep reporting everything he does, keep a paper trail, keep vigilant, and do not be around anyone who associates with him.
Good luck, OP.” MoxieGo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your ex was engaging in criminal activity that put you in danger. Stalking and harassment are crimes and crimes tend to go on your record. You did not ‘ruin his life.’ He did.
He made the choice to do illegal things. Why should you have to risk your own safety to protect him from the consequences of his own actions? Allowing him to do this to someone else later and who knows how he would have escalated. He needed to learn a hard lesson about how he behaves and he got the legal consequences of his actions… and now he has learned not to stalk women.
Note… HIS actions. Not yours.
You just used the legal system to protect yourself from his crimes as you were entitled to do. He should not have committed them in the first place. He was showing early signs of being an awful person anyways (control issues, trying to isolate you, tracking your movements) he probably would have escalated to physical violence if you didn’t take the steps you did as his behavior is how it usually starts in abusive and controlling relationships.” dogchick1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – 1- if he is looking for a job why doesn’t one of them hire him or why doesn’t he move? 2- if he is having relationship problems either everyone thinks his stalking is possible and doesn’t want to take a chance that he will stalk them, or they know enough to not take that chance, again, he can move to another town or area or seek therapy, in small towns word gets around about therapy just as fast as court orders.
Also if they like him so much, they can introduce him to one of their family members and hope he hits it off, or date him themselves. 3- If his family is treating him differently maybe there is an underlying reason, and they see him for who he is, or maybe they are embarrassed by him, either way, that’s their business, not anyone else’s.
He ruined his current life and he can seek help to get better or he can play the poor me card and deal.” mede04
14. AITJ For Hating My Mom For Being In Pain?
“I’m 14, M, and my mom is a narcissist. Ever since I can remember, when she’d wake up in the afternoons I’d bring her an energy drink and her pills.
She takes a total of 5-8 pills, depending on the day of the week and how she’s feeling. She has chronic illnesses that are the main cause of her pain, and I feel bad for her. However, I resent her, as I feel it should not become my problem.
Ever since I was little she’s been (optionally) confined to her bed and used me and my older brother as ‘servants’, bringing her food when she calls, getting her medication, energy drinks, etc. It’s to the point I can’t have a social life beyond school because I’m never able to call or FaceTime my friends because I’m either sitting in her room or on standby to be needed. This caused a lot of emotional trauma in my life.
My mother (42) is obese. When she hit 210lbs, she started dieting, which seemed to help her, but she never stuck to it and has failed to lose any significant weight.
Here’s the thing about my mom. She’s a wimp. Any minor inconvenience or pain and she’d be screaming.
For example, one day she was cooking and got chili flakes in her eye. Her response was to shout and cry, stomping her feet on the ground and screaming. It makes me mad. I’ve had chronic pains ever since I was 7.
I was never taken to the doctor, I was never immunized, and I was never treated for any of my pains because my mom was a nurse and she thought I was fine. I learned to swallow the pain.
It annoys me whenever she shows pain and expects us to sympathize.
It makes me feel sick. I hate her so much. She’s being a baby. Even this morning she told me she was contemplating peeing in her bed because she didn’t want to get up and use the bathroom because her back was hurting.
Something I’d have to clean up. I’ve had enough of this nonsense. She complains and moans but never does anything to get herself actual help. I’ve been so scared for her that I’ve almost called 911 on multiple occasions.
There’s nothing I can do to help her.
And it annoys me so much. Please don’t complain if I can’t help you. I feel so awful for hating her for her pain. But I wish she wouldn’t make it our problem and actually get medical help.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t be put in this position and it is understandable that you feel resentful. Do you have a father or other close family member who can help? You should be living your own life not being a servant to your mother.
I have chronic pain but I live alone. It would be great to have help at times but I hate to be a burden to anyone and I manage on my own. It sounds like your mother is taking advantage of you even if she is in pain.
I’d advise not being at her beck and call if you can. Talk to someone close to you about getting professional help for your mother. It’s time someone else took over. Hang in there.” MidniteProph
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You have the right to have a life beyond waiting on your mother. You’re 14 and too young to be forced into an adult role.
I wonder whether talking to a school nurse could help. Could your older brother call your mother’s doctor?
If she takes prescription pills she must have a doctor.
One thing that might help is if your mother had a home health aide come to the house regularly to check on her health and help with other issues.
I feel awful for you because I had a slightly similar situation from age 12 until I went to college.
My mom was bedridden with chronic pain and complained and cried a lot. My dad accused her of faking. One of her doctors got her addicted to painkillers and she started taking more and more of them. My dad got her pills for peace and quiet.
She sometimes asked me for water or coffee, but unlike your mom, she didn’t want much attention. Years later I figured out that her aches and pains were fibromyalgia, a muscle pain problem. I and my daughter have it too but we move around much more, which helps.
Please keep in mind that whatever is wrong with your mom is probably very different from what my mom had.
I wish you the best of luck with this, and hope you get the help you and your brother need.” Paevatar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is child neglect and she is in no position to properly care for you or your brother. You really should speak to an adult you trust and try to get yourself removed from her home.
Teachers and counselors are mandated reporters by law, and they can help you get out of there. Tell them exactly what you told us. Is there any family you have that you could potentially be placed with? Or even friends that could maybe take you in?” boorella
13. AITJ For Wanting An Equal Marital Asset Contract With My Wife?
“I (36M) am not from the US and I have a problem with my wife 35F (married 10 years, 2 kids) regarding a financial issue in which I believe she is being hypocritical.
I run my own business and have enough personal assets which are considered great with respect to the country I am in. My wife albeit a school teacher also comes from a rather affluent family with certain assets to her name as well.
The problem came from her side with the death of my father-in-law.
As per the inheritance law, she and her siblings got a division of assets, great. Thing is, she is making me sign a document where from now on ‘her money is her money.’ Legally speaking, she is an independent taxpayer but marriage adds certain constraints on finances.
The only legal way I have any claim over her money is when she (Lord forbid) is gone and I get a part of it due to inheritance.
Firstly, that money, in case of her untimely demise, is more for the children.
Any amount I do get will be for the children (ethically/morally). She wants to put a legal stamp on that to ‘solidify’ because those were empty words. Honestly, that hurt. However, when I put forth the same condition and vice versa, she found that problematic.
According to her, it’s my responsibility and her right to be left an inheritance from me but the same courtesy can not be extended to me. The only fair argument is that both of our jobs pay us on completely different scales and if we disregard the value of her inheritance, that makes sense.
However, to me, it’s the principle.
Well, she is obviously angry right now and my in-laws have been giving me trouble over it. My parents are neutral and fortunately, my older sister, while on my side, is still saying ‘that’s just how the world works’.
I know how the problem can be solved but the fact that a sudden increase in bank balance made her so… cautious (putting it charitably) makes me want to address the principle more. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
In the US, it’s fairly common to establish prenuptial agreements about this sort of thing and not unusual, in the case of a windfall (the unanticipated appearance of a large amount of significant asset) to create a postnuptial agreement to address this.
Such agreements should protect the interests of both parties and any children who may be affected by the couple’s financial decisions.
The two of you should meet with an attorney to help you determine what is fair and in everyone’s best interest. This attorney should not be the one recommended by her family.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What goes for you should go for her also. This is a marriage. Everyone puts in one hundred percent. For everything. That’s not right that she’s asking something of you that she won’t do herself.
I don’t understand why she thinks that it’s okay for you to sign papers giving her security while not offering to do the same for you. Unless she has plans to leave afterward so her money is hers and your money is hers.
I’m not sure how the division of assets works where you are.” USAF_Retired2017
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she wants to make that kind of contract then you definitely should make it equal on both sides. She doesn’t get to go ‘my money is mine and your money is also mine.’ This is a red flag honestly.
You guys are supposed to be partners but all she’s worried about is money.” NeekedNewt
12. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Friends?
“I moved in with 2 friends 3 years ago to help them out financially in their new home and move back to where I thought I belonged. I was close to both of them before I moved in and was the same for about a year.
One of them I fell out with due to her toxicity. I’m still friends with the other (her fiancé) and while we do occasionally have disputes we are still good friends.
I have felt like I need to tiptoe around her for ages now as everything I do is wrong and my overall state is a point for her to pick me apart and make sly comments.
I went to the hospital to get my shoulder checked out as I was in agony and couldn’t move it without being in unbearable pain. I texted her letting her know about me going to get it checked out and I got a ‘haha, you’ve probably just pulled something’.
I come back after finding out I damaged a rotator cuff, it wasn’t serious but I was advised to let it rest as much as possible and do exercises with it at least 3 times a day even if it hurt to help it heal.
I got back to the house and told her what I was told by the doctors and she laughed. She then told her fiancé about it but avoided the points that I was told. He came in and made a bit of a joke which angered me as he doesn’t like it when people do that to him, I asked him to come outside and confronted him.
I lost my cool slightly and told to him that he had known me for years and knows I won’t get a thing checked unless it felt serious which he said ‘okay you’ve got a point’. I get back in and start to relax when I hear her make a comment about injuring her ankle on the stairs (she didn’t) and then laughs as she states exactly what the doctors told me to do.
She consistently makes these kinds of comments about anything I do and takes delight in it.
So we are now 3 weeks later and we’ve just watched the fight with one of our friends and after it’s over we start talking about football.
More specifically why I don’t follow professional teams anymore. My friend and I get into a heated discussion (not a full-on argument but heated enough). We have a back and forth about it until I say okay let’s just agree to disagree which he still doesn’t.
She then comes out berating both of us until he says that I was wrong then she just drops it over him then still comes at me. I get annoyed and just didn’t talk to them for the rest of the night as I couldn’t be bothered with any more thing about something that was not even important.
Today and I come downstairs to get myself a drink and go back to my room to chill out. She instantly comes out with ‘have you calmed yourself down yet? If not, then shut up’ at this point I’m done with her nonsense and can’t take it anymore.
Would I be the jerk to leave them and myself struggling with bills? I think I’d be happier if I didn’t have to concern myself with a toxic witch like her even if I do struggle more financially?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Moving out, these people can deal with their financial struggles on their own. You do not owe them that. If you wanted to be really nice you could help them find a new flatmate to take your space but I wouldn’t bother as they have already hurt you enough.
With struggling financially, maybe you could look into getting a government grant to help ease the pressure or you could look at the spare room and find a room in someone’s house while you get your finances in check.
I hope you’re okay.” Fabulous-Tiger9480
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she made a mutually beneficial situation for all of you an unlivable untenable mess.
I think you’d be doing yourself a massive disservice if you chose to stay, our lives are so short and you want to come home from work/being out and just relax.” BestFrogger
11. AITJ For Sending An Email To My Daughter's Teacher?
“My daughter is 12, I’m trying to teach her ways of creating and respecting her boundaries that are age appropriate. Teaching her that it’s ok to say ‘No’ to things she feels uncomfortable with.
There is a boy in her class who keeps bothering her and her female friends at recess.
I’ve encouraged her to go to me or her teacher when this happens.
My daughter told me a few days ago that in class, the teacher had asked the kids to form groups of about four or five. She had formed a group of five with some other girls, then the boy who had been giving her trouble at recess came over and said he was joining their group.
Another girl said that they already have five, and he should work with a group that only has two or three people.
He said no because the teacher had said ‘about’ four or five. My daughter then said that they didn’t want to work with him and that he should find another group.
A few of the other girls agreed with her. He said that ‘you can’t exclude me like that, it’s against class rules’ and she said she didn’t care.
I heard about this from my daughter first, and the way she talked about it, she had been firm but not unkind.
But then I got an email from her teacher saying she wanted to call. She said there had been an incident at school where my daughter had excluded another child, and that wasn’t allowed in her class, and she wanted me to have a talk with her about it.
Her telling of events was the same as my daughter’s. I felt proud of my daughter for her honesty.
I sent her an email saying…
Dear Mrs. (Teacher)
I’m sorry, but that is not a lesson I feel comfortable teaching my daughter.
She’s at the age where she is already having to deal with unwanted attention, and I’m making a point to teach her that she does not have to be around anyone who makes her uncomfortable. And that a young lady is able to choose to spend time with people who make her feel respected.
I understand you already are aware (Boy) has been behaving in ways that she feels uncomfortable with at recess, from our prior conversations.
I think it is a very dangerous lesson to teach a girl she has to include and be kind to everyone, instead of teaching her to be aware of when someone is not respecting her ‘No’ and stepping out of the situation.
I hope I don’t have to explain in too much detail why I find this important… But to put it briefly, I was brought up with the ‘Include everyone’ mindset. No exceptions. It taught me to ignore my own comfort level, and as I became a young adult I became the victim of men who used my inability to say ‘No’ to their advantage.
It’s a dangerous lesson, and no longer appropriate at that age.
Thank you,
OP
She emailed me back asking for a meeting in person with the principal. I’m preparing for that but wondering if my email was too harsh.
AITJ for my response to my daughter’s teacher?
Edit to update…
I reached out to the parents of the other four girls in the class who were involved, and we all coordinated to go speak to the school administration together. They had similar views, thinking it was inappropriate for the school to expect the girls to work with someone who they’re not comfortable with and who are frustrated the teacher didn’t do more to deal with the issues during recess that made the girls uncomfortable to start with.
I ended up asking the school if we could reschedule the meeting to a time all the involved families could make it, and we ended up meeting this afternoon along with my husband, another couple, two mothers, and a father.
Along with the teacher and principal.
We all presented a united front asking for the following…
The school does training for the teachers on trauma-informed teaching methods and the dangers of expecting young women to go against their best judgment of their own boundaries to be ‘nice’.
Instead of ‘Include everyone’ the kids should be allowed to respectfully set boundaries and taught to respect each other’s boundaries.
The school addresses harassment in class or at recess and doesn’t enable it to continue.
We went to talk, and I think it went a lot better having all the parents join instead of if I’d gone alone.
The teacher and principal apologized and the principal agreed to look for resources on how to better navigate the balance between being inclusive and not forcing kids into including someone who is crossing a line with them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you are 100 % right. If the teacher tries to push that your daughter is wrong I would make it clear to the principal that not only will you be speaking with a lawyer about their policy of allowing boys to harass the girls but then to punish girls for saying NO to being bullied. I would then point out that in the world we live in today what that boy is doing would not be too well accepted on the news or by other taxpayers.
They allowed that boy to continue his harassment of your daughter and did nothing to stop it or discourage it. In fact, they did the opposite of that by trying to force her to be harassed even more in the classroom and to be punished for saying NO to someone who was harassing her.
I would have the name and number of a lawyer on hand for them and also the contact info for the local news to show them you are not letting your daughter be a victim!! She has a right to say NO and for those around her to accept that!” Scarletzoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And your email was actually quite nice – you weren’t rude, just pointing out the nuances of interpersonal relationships at this age, especially as they relate to girls. I am sure you will handle this well and already have some talking points, but if they insist, please bring up the fact that the school was aware of this boy’s actions and not only did they not do anything about it when it happened on the playground (figuratively), they basically encouraged it and tried to punish your daughter when the bullying continued in the classroom.
Clearly, the teacher utterly failed her duty of care to your daughter, and as their representative, this means the school also failed in this duty. Please also enquire whether any actions – talking to, etc – were attempted with the boy and his parents.
Sadly, these people may need somebody to explicitly point out their unfair treatment and inability to fulfill their own responsibilities in order to take your situation seriously.” leolionbag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nope nope nope. The boy’s point wasn’t valid.
‘A group of about 4 or 5’ means a group of 4 or 5. Not 6. Not seven. Your daughter was right. He should have joined a group that had 2 or 3. Or possibly 3 or 4 if there were any like that. I could maybe see a group of six if all the groups were full at 5 and he was the only one left, but even then, he had no right to demand to join your daughter’s group and the teacher had no right to demand your daughter do something that made her uncomfortable.
If the teacher had meant more than 5 to a group, she could have said a group of 4 or more. Still, if you don’t put limits on that, you end up with smaller groups which, depending on the project, isn’t fair to that group, or you end up with only a couple of large groups.
Which depending on the project isn’t a good idea.” AlissaMing
10. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Do Things In The House?
“I’m 16 years old, in the house, I am the one who ends up doing the laundry. Well, my mom and sister never get their clothes downstairs, so I am the one who has to fold them and I do what my mom tells me to do, ‘Just leave them on top of the dryer.’ However this morning in the shower, well when I was in the shower, the clothes downstairs on the dryer were piling up, my mom went in there because she had to go pee.
Well, I ended up telling her ‘Hey Mom, you or (my sister’s name) need to end up handling the clothes downstairs, there is a huge pile and it’s only getting bigger.’ They usually handle it because I don’t mess with their clothes, and frankly, I don’t know whose is whose.
Well, then my mom ended up taking it the wrong way. She goes on to say ‘I was working’ in an annoyed tone, then I’m trying to tell her I know which is why I even mentioned my sister’s name in this convo.
Well, when I ended up exiting the shower, she began to speak really loudly, practically yelling at me. She goes on to have this talk about how I don’t tell her that she needs to do this or that. (Another example of something like this happening was when I told her to please throw her plates of food away when she was done with them.
She’s 45 years old.)
I end up trying to tell her at first calmly my reasoning behind telling her, then I end up raising my voice when she pulls out this ‘I am the mother you are my daughter, little girl’ (She’s 5’3, and I’m 5’8.
I just find this funny.) Well, now I’m stuck cleaning my room after she goes on to yell at me for what I’m believing is something that was not worth yelling at me over. Tell me, am I the jerk for telling her that she or my sister needed to do this?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think this is a communication problem rather than an AITJ problem. Sure, people are going to say she could do her own laundry, etc. But realistically the mother is working and the kids should help out around the house sometimes.
Maybe you should have a sit-down talk with everyone to divide up the chores around the house!” Medium-Audience5078
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sorry op you can’t tell your mom what to do PERIOD, it’s disrespectful. It is her house, if she wants the laundry piled up til it falls on the floor or leaves plates with food all over the house she can.
You can either clean it yourself or say nothing. It’s not your place to run her household. It doesn’t matter that you are just trying to help or keep the home clean or whatever.” No-Somewhere-8011
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re the parent in this situation and your mom is the immature teenager not knowing how to effectively resolve simple issues.
Your mom’s response is not typical of a healthy parent, it sounds like through neglecting her duties (at the very least) she has forced you into the position of being a pseudo-parent to her and handling it yourself.
I can’t tell you how to ‘fix’ this about your mom, moving out and no longer expecting her to behave a certain way was the only thing that really made a difference for me.
You tried to solve a logical issue in a reasonable way, but being deliberately misunderstood to the point where you somehow ended up being punished simply for speaking up does not make you the jerk.” 3tzamani
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Leave Me And Our Cat?
“I just found out Friday that my beloved 15-year-old cat, who has been in declining health over the past few months, is only going to get worse and cannot be healed. I’m making the difficult decision to have a vet come to the house to end his suffering.
I’ve been crying on and off all weekend, spending it mostly by myself as my husband has been at a gaming convention during the day since Thursday, only coming home late at night.
The vet can’t come over until Wednesday, and my husband is supposed to leave Thursday to go to another convention (for fun, not for work) in a city a couple of hours away for four days.
So if the vet comes Wednesday, I’d be spending the first weekend after he’s gone by myself. If not, the vet can come next Monday, but I’m scared my cat might not make it and die on his own with me alone in the house for 4 days.
So it’s a really hard choice to make at an already difficult time.
AITJ for not wanting my husband to go on this trip? I said as much to him and he responded that he’s been planning this trip for a long time and the cat will be ok for a few more days.
I should emphasize that this is a convention he goes to pretty much every year, except in 2020.
I’m really heartbroken right now and feel my husband is not being there for me. AITJ for not wanting him to go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While I think it would be wonderful if he stayed with you, at this point, it sounds like there’s the possibility that being away when the cat passes may be best for his grieving process.
My dad loved our dogs but couldn’t bear being there at the end.
Is this his first time going to the convention since 2020? If so, there’s added emotional weight to this trip that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
Many find being able to go back to the things they love to be huge for their mental health. I cried the first time I saw theater live again. Maybe in the middle of all this sadness with your cat and everything else in the world he needs this self-care.
And maybe he’s just being selfish. You would know best.
If you’ve made clear how much you need him and he isn’t being vulnerable in return and explaining why this specific trip is so important, then I think you have every right to be disappointed and angry.
I hope he stays, or at the very least gives you a reason why leaving is so important beyond that he wants to.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can’t help but notice you refer to the cat as your pet, and not ours.
Did he never really bond with it? I get that you likely had the pet long before you married your husband, but I’d think he’d be more concerned.
Unless he already sank a considerable amount into this convention, or if by him not going, it’ll ruin the whole thing for his team (if that’s a thing), then he needs to be there for his wife.
If he’s sort of financially tied to this now, he needs to understand that the cat can’t necessarily wait on him. And he might actually blow it big time if the cat passes while he’s gone.” TheHipReplacement
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Losing a member of your family is hard. Asking your PARTNER to be there for you instead of attending an event that happens annually shouldn’t be that big of an ask. From my understanding, marriage means building a life together, and sometimes making sacrifices for your other half, is more important than yourself.” jkelsey84
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Partner To The Emergency Room?
“My partner has been to the emergency room 4 times in the last year, each time ended as no real emergency and just elevated b***d pressure. Among that, he has been to the doctor over very minor occurrences such as leg muscle twitching from sitting in a chair.
He has had several anxiety attacks where he claims his heart is racing and I have to talk him out of focusing on his heart and just drinking lots of water and slowing his breathing. He drinks frequently throughout the week and in large quantities (I kept track of what he brought in each night and counted 409 drinks since January of 2022).
He also smokes several times a day. I believe that this is causing elevated b***d pressure and spikes in heart rate.
He constantly is monitoring his heart rate using apps and works himself up into thinking he has a heart condition.
If the monitor says anywhere around 100-120 while standing just for 10-20 minutes he becomes anxious.
Yesterday, it happened again. He was sitting on the couch, completely calm. Then he checked his heart rate on his phone and felt his neck.
All of sudden, he stood up yelling he needs to go to the hospital. He suddenly started shaking, crying, breathing fast – clearly a panic attack. I told him to lay down on the couch and not look at the monitor, I got him some water.
He splashed the water on his face instead of drinking it and just fought with me for 20 minutes – claiming the heart monitor app shows he has atrial fibrillation. He claimed if we don’t go now they won’t catch it.
It became clear to me he is looking up stuff online and trying to self-diagnose. He was getting more worked up and kept begging me to take him. I eventually did because he would not become calm.
When we got there, his entire demeanor changed. He became calm when filling out the paperwork – all the supposed afib symptoms just disappeared. The doctor checked him and said he had low electrolytes and magnesium, which was causing the odd heart rate.
They also showed his b***d pressure to be high, which has been constant for a while now. They gave him saline and magnesium IV and sent him home. He did not tell the doctor the night before he had consumed 6-8 tall boy beers and had done so 3-4 times this week as well.
Now he is trying to make me feel bad for not taking him right away, claiming it was a ‘real condition’ and not in his head. He claims if I had taken him right away it would have ‘gotten better sooner’ – he was only there for 2 hours they gave him an IV.
I told him it’s not a condition but his body reacting to him constantly abusing substances and he is creating anxiety around it by focusing on his heart instead of hydrating, cutting substance use, and eating better. He thinks I’m being cruel and denying his ‘condition’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your partner has psychological and substance abuse problems, and maybe an underlying metabolic problem. He’s right that he needs to seek medical care. He’s wrong to think that the emergency room is the right place to seek that care.
An ER doc has to treat the acute symptoms in front of him. He can’t treat a chronic condition.
I think you are wrong to think that advising bf to take care of himself is going to solve anything. He has an anxiety disorder that he can’t cure himself.
But that doesn’t make you a jerk – clearly, you have good intentions.
He’s also not a jerk for thinking he needs ER visits. Panic does create symptoms that are similar to serious medical issues. And drinking is a common way for anxiety sufferers to self-medicate.
I’d be dragging this man to a highly-recommended psychologist who specialized in anxiety disorders at your nearest academic medical center.” ElegantAnt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your partner has bad anxiety and is self-medicating through drinking and taking some meds (THC in this case.) He will not get better until he gets to the root of the problem, which is treating the anxiety with medication or/and therapy as well as treatment for AUD/SUD.
You cannot force him to do any of that. Keeping track of his drinking to the level you know the exact number of drinks he had (and by the way, if a tall boy is ~20 oz, he actually consumed 10-14 standard drinks assuming the beers were 4.5%, which is an incredibly concerning amount to consume 4-5 nights in a week) is only going to harm you mentally.
I strongly suggest finding a support group for a family of addicts (but do not recommend Al-Anon for various reasons) or/and a therapist to begin healing yourself and examining exactly how toxic this relationship is for you.” milehighphillygirl
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If someone wants to go to the ER and asks a trusted person to take them, just take them. You are not his mom or his wife. You are also not a doctor. Yes, he could have called 911, but you were there and you were completely capable of driving him.
Nothing is worse than being scared about your health and being invalidated and treated like a hypochondriac by someone who is supposed to care about you.” Katiew84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there is no app that shows AFIB! It won’t calibrate and read your heart rate if you are in AFIB.
The only thing that records an AFIB event is a cardiac loop monitor that is embedded under your skin.
So your partner needs to lay off the booze and smoking and maybe he will start thinking clearer.
It’s scary enough when a loved one goes into AFIB… they turn gray, go weak/sick, and you see the heart racing under their skin… once you see it… you know when it happens.
His drama is not worth staying in a relationship for.” Individual-Fuel1177
Decide how much longer you will deal with him...he needs to see a medical doctor for tests and regular monitoring... not the ER, and if he won't agree to this, break up. Any lrg consumption of alcohol /d***s messes with your body... He needs to be honest w/the doctor about what he's self medicating with and go from there.
Your big problem will be if the Dr puts him on meds & he still drinks-- most meds aren't compatible with lrg intake of alcohol,so he needs to change....
And you cannot make him change.....
Might be time to cut your losses and leave.
7. AITJ For Reminding My Daughter To Put Her Derma Creams On?
“So my oldest daughter who is 14 as of January has eczema. She’s had eczema since she was born, but being new parents it took a couple of months for it to be diagnosed. So my 14-year-old is the oldest of my 4 kids.
Their ages are 14,12,8 and 3. But for simplicity’s sake, we’re going to call the oldest Sam. So Sam’s eczema had gotten better over the years, to the point where she wasn’t flaring up and you wouldn’t know that she had eczema unless she told you.
But the problem is last year she had a horrible flare-up after not having flared up for about 6 or 7 years.
Thankfully, my kids were still in online school because the Bronx was still closed. And Sam has had self-esteem issues when it comes to her eczema so I doubt I or my husband would’ve made her go to school in person if given the option.
So because of her horrible flare up and the introduction of getting a new dog (the dog was brought home at the beginning of January), her eczema was fine for a couple of days. And then she got cellulitis.
So her cellulitis started off as two small spots, and I feel horrible because she kept telling us about it and asking us to go get it checked out.
My husband (her father) kept telling me that until the spots got bigger then the doctor wouldn’t do anything about it. This was all in January, she wasn’t taken to the ER until close to the end of February.
She was looked at by about 7 different doctors according to her and my husband because of the severity. Sam told me that the doctors said that she could’ve lost the bottom half of her leg (the affected spot) or she could’ve gone into shock and got hurt had we waited any longer.
So they gave her oral medicine and cream. The creams made it worse, so instead of it being two small spots they joined and made one large spot. The spot was about the size of my hand if not a little larger (I’m 31).
So I took her back to the ER and they gave her different cream, because the original one was prescribed by a doctor fresh out of medical school, and they obliviously messed up. That cream started to work and she started to heal, albeit incredibly slowly.
She then had to go in about 3 more times for the opposite leg but the same problem.
She now has multiple creams and ointments that she has to use daily. And Sam doesn’t like that, she says that it’s incredibly tedious and I wouldn’t understand because I don’t have eczema.
She’s gotten lectured by her father (who doesn’t have eczema either, she’s the only one with it in our house). She’s gotten lectured by me, her dermatologist, her normal doctor, and multiple family members with eczema, although Sam’s is the most severe.
It’s gotten to the point where we don’t know what to do with her anymore, and she seems to not care about her eczema. So AITJ for reminding her to put her creams on?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Had to look up what cellulitis is, and thank goodness your child was able to get treated in time. That being said, she’s been through a lot and maybe the treatment would be less tedious for her if she had been looked at by a professional earlier like she had asked, so I understand her being annoyed but everything she has to apply.
Maybe the same time she’s scheduled to apply her ointments/treatments, you or one of the other family members can sit with her and apply a layer of lotion on, so it’s like you guys are doing it together and it’ll be an annoyance you all can go to together?
I don’t know her personality and if this will make what she’s going through easier but it’s just a suggestion.” OrbitingKas
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I have extreme eczema, have since birth. I had a similar issue with a flare-up and asked my parents to take me to the hospital, they also claimed no one would do anything until it was a lot worse.
As a result, I wound up having much more medications than initially required.
She asked to go to the doctor, but you as parents chose to wait, and it impacted her health negatively and potentially permanently.
Yes, she’s a teen, but I’m sure from the sounds of it, numerous lectures are more than enough from everyone she’s had interactions with since her flair-up.
If she’s not putting on the cream, the occasional reminder shouldn’t hurt, but if you’re worried about it, and she wants to take ownership over her own medications, maybe suggest she put an alarm on her phone.
If it’s as needed and she’s self-conscious, especially for that age, she probably doesn’t need the reminder, the spots would be a reminder enough.” L_blu
Another User Comments:
“‘Sam told me that the doctors said that she could’ve lost the bottom half of her leg (the affected spot) or she could’ve gone into shock and got hurt had we waited any longer.’
You and your husband are NEGLIGENT. She is in this predicament because of YOU. She told you something was wrong and you waited nearly two months to get her medical care.
Mother of God, do not pop out any more kids.
You and your know-it-all husband refuse to get your kids medical care in a timely manner. That is appalling. YTJ.” laffy4444
6. AITJ For Asking My Dad To Not Look Through My Stuff?
“I (18m) am a first year in college, and my dad (48m) has access to my Canvas, because he is paying for most of my educational expenses, and he wants to check my computer science homework for me (he also does cs stuff so he wants to make sure I’m doing fine).
I don’t like it, but I have no choice because I don’t want to get into a fight with him or lose his financial support. Even if I get student loans, I don’t want to make him angry because he gets really scary and aggressive when he gets mad or things don’t go his way.
But at other times he isn’t ferocious.
Anyways, I’m taking an English class that’s required for all students, and we have to do stuff like make a video about ourselves and write various essays and discussion posts. Now my dad said he doesn’t care about classes like English, history, or psych (those non-stem classes) as long as I get an A in them.
I do have a very solid A in English, but I’m worried that my dad is looking through my English stuff.
He’s always been really nosy. He loves to go through my social media and call me, asking me about those things.
But I just feel judged, mostly because he is often hypercritical, and he is kind of outdated and embarrassing. I told him that I have a solid A in English and that he said he has no interest in looking through my English stuff on Canvas (he said that himself).
But he said that he was just curious about what I’m doing in English class and that my feelings are invalid and unjustified.
So, AITJ for telling him that I don’t want him digging through my English stuff on Canvas?”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad is going completely overboard here. It’s absolutely not normal for a parent to go through their college kid’s work. I would find it freaky if that was his behavior when you were in high school (and bear with me, I teach English in HS), but that’s the kind of thing that can really make a student unproductive and unengaged because they are being watched at their every move and can’t feel safe in class.
I understand you don’t want to lose his financial support, but this is abuse. Try to draw limits and prepare yourself to be independent as soon as you can.
(Obviously NTJ).” kiwiparallels
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Change your Canva password and tell your dad you’ll send him your CS work via email.
As others have said, your dad is being inappropriately intrusive and overbearing, and it’s terrible that he actually makes you fearful. You deserve your privacy, which includes being able to explore any topics you want to when doing your coursework.
It’s understandable that you don’t want to incur his wrath, and don’t want to lose his financial support. It’s up to you how far you want to continue to have him trample on you–I’m certainly not going to tell you it’s wonderful to pay back college loans!
Take care of yourself.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s time you make the decision to handle your financials yourself. There are scholarships, grants, and loans that will help pay for schooling. If your father having access to your things was something, you agreed to in order for him to pay for your schooling; then you gave him that permission.
The fact you don’t want to lose his funding shows a not-pleasant side of yourself. Your father is taking full advantage of the situation (which does seem a bit overboard), and you are also taking advantage of him by using him to pay for your college.
You by all means are allowed your privacy. With that said, you must step up and handle your own financials in order to do what you want (not being able to let him have access to your grades and things).” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
5. AITJ For Wanting A Cleaner House?
“My partner always insists ‘it’s fine’, even when it’s been weeks since it was cleaned (dusting, vacuuming, or shower cleaning). I have asthma and am sensitive to allergies, but he isn’t affected by dust and insists it’s fine and that it’s just me who thinks it’s not fine; as though I’m the problem.
The shower glass can look frosted, yet it’s fine (it’s not frosted glass). He never picks up the vacuum, duster, mop, etc, just for the sake of cleaning when it’s been a while (weeks). It’s only me that cleans, and my health isn’t great.
The cleaning kills my back and the dusting triggers my allergies, making me hurt and sick for days every time I clean. He stops me from getting a cleaning service so we can cut down on costs and insists he will clean the bathroom every two weeks, but only occasionally cleans the glass in the shower — it took a year of arguing to get him to even do that.
He doesn’t do toilets, floors, dusting, mopping, windows, etc.
To give him credit, he will pick something up if it spills. And occasionally he will use the hand vacuum in common corners, though it’s usually after I started cleaning up around the house.
I’ve already lowered my standards of tidiness and cleanliness over the years, but AITJ for insisting it’s not really fine? Before he moved in, I dusted and cleaned the home weekly. Last night we had an argument when I asked him to watch the toddler while I clean the floors.
He argued the floors were fine, but I argued they weren’t washed in weeks. AITJ for being too picky?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a matter of health. I have a solution. You each put 200 aside each month for cleaning the house.
Every time one of you or the cleaner cleans the house, they get some of the money. Shower door and bathroom? 20. Dusting the whole house? 50. Using the broom/vacuum and Moping? 30. Kitchen counters, oven, and fridge? 50. You get the idea.
Worst case, the cleaner gets the money. Or just break up with him. What happens when you will have two babies in the house?” thelastjadi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, everyone should share chores. He’s either super lazy or just never learned. So you’re not a jerk but how you get him to do his share will depend on your relationship and personalities.
Not wanting to help with the kid so you can clean kind of makes me think he’s lazy, honestly.” caterpillarsnever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not being picky. Your partner is a slob and he’s not doing anything because he knows you’ll end up doing it.” IllustratorNew8801
4. AITJ For Not Telling My Friend About The Bugs In His Hair?
“I met up with my friend from an old class for the first time in years, we got tea and chatted. I saw white spots in his hair and figured it was dandruff.
No big deal, that’s natural and happens to lots of people. But then I saw a bug crawl through his hair. I honestly didn’t know what to say, I knew it would be embarrassing and awkward for him (and me as well) to bring it up, but I also know if he’s not aware of it it could save him a lot of effort to tell him he needs to treat it.
We left and I remain haunted by the event. He wants to get tea again soon. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get how that would be supremely awkward. I’d text him now, though, and gently let him know that you noticed he had lice, that you didn’t want to bring it up in public, but you do sympathize with him about how annoying they can be.” Old_Mintie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should never bring up bugs to people you haven’t seen in a while unless it is a medical or sensual matter (in which case YTJ for not asking first, but that is not the context you were in).” TheVerifiedEmail
Text them. "Hey, question. When you were leaving, i saw you had white stuff in your hair.... you dont have dandruff, do you? If you do, i can recommend shampoo--i had that problem awhile ago" [....]
Note--> he might not know about the bugs/lice/whatever
3. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Friend For Comparing Our Situations?
“I recently went through a heartbreak, which was nothing major since we didn’t know each other that long, but nevertheless I was left pretty sad and disappointed. For me, talking about what went wrong helps a lot.
My friend had a heartbreak a few years back that was probably worse than mine but very different.
In my case, I actually dated him for some time and things ended up not working out. He didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t meant to be.
In her case, she had a crush on a lifelong friend who she never dated but the friend in question betrayed her many times.
Whenever I do mention my heartbreak, she will either try to compare it to hers or tell me that it’s no big deal because hers was worse.
This annoys me because it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Plus, it isn’t a competition so it shouldn’t matter if hers was worse or not.
Perhaps she does that because that’s her way of trying to help but it certainly isn’t helping at all.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but recognize that a lot of people empathize by trying to show that they have been through similar situations. It sounds like your friend is a bit self-centered and obsessed with this issue, but it may be because she doesn’t have much experience to pull from.
If you’re true friends and it really bothers you, try pointing out that you don’t find the comparison helpful to be honest, and while you empathize with her loss, you feel yours is different and you’d just like to vent and would love it if she just listened and agreed with you that your situation sucks.” Wolf_Mommy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that she always needs to bring herself up shows exactly the kind of person she is. Nobody can or should try to tell you how to feel about your own breakup. Idk how much of a friend she really is if this is how she acts when you’re hurting.
You’re absolutely right. It’s not a competition at all, you’re just trying to talk through your emotions which is healthy if you ask me.
If you can figure out what is wrong those same mistakes won’t be made in the next relationship.
If it was me, I would probably keep a little distance from her and her insensitive and slightly narcissistic behavior.” ritakitri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being annoyed when she says hers was worse
YTJ for being annoyed when she compares it to hers (this is a natural thing for people to do and it’s their way of relating to your pain or else their way of trying to help you with advice, having felt a similar way at one time).
Overall NTJ as she should be listening to you talk and acknowledging your needs right now rather than always bringing the subject back to her.” bunkbedgirl1989
2. AITJ For Shouting At My Significant Other?
“Me (21M) and my SO (19F) had a relationship for like 1 and a half years and it went great the first year. After that, it got a little tough.
Whenever we were arguing or discussing, she would often say that I raise my voice at her and that she didn’t like it. I would explain that I don’t get mad, I just get very engaged in the convo. I did lower my voice in future discussions because she didn’t like it when I talked loudly.
I feel like it’s worth mentioning that in our family, it’s quite normal to raise our voices to each other when only discussing, but this doesn’t mean that we are mad at each other all the time. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t justify what I’m about to tell you.
Sometimes, of course, we would argue about petty stuff like jealousy and we’d argue for hours. Nevertheless, I feel like we talked about those things in a respectful manner although it was exhausting. When I raised my voice at her she would say that she felt ‘small’ as she described it.
When I heard this it made me feel bad and I didn’t raise my voice until this one incident.
We were going on a vacation and I was driving to her. I was driving on the main road and she called me on my phone.
Usually, I pick up because I have hands-free and I only need to press a button on my phone then I can drive and talk like she would sit right beside me. But in this specific situation, I couldn’t press the button because I was about to take a turn.
So I didn’t pick up the phone. After I got to a more chill highway road I called her back and explained right away why I didn’t pick up. She didn’t take the excuse, she said that I have picked up the phone before and that it wouldn’t make sense for me not to pick it up then and there.
Then I calmly explained several times that I couldn’t because of the traffic situation as I was still driving. She still didn’t accept it. She has a history of being jealous, so I believe she thought I was doing something, but I don’t know what exactly.
I have always been a faithful guy and would never do anything to break our relationship like that.
And now I did what I regret so much. I got super mad and started yelling at her saying that if I picked up the phone right then and there, I could have crashed the car and got hurt, at that moment I felt like yelling was the answer because I didn’t feel she took me seriously.
Then she got shocked by me yelling at her and she hung up. Note: that I felt really bad for doing this, I know yelling/shouting isn’t the right way but it happened and I can’t take it back, I wish I could.
We talked about the incident later on and she blamed it all on me. She didn’t even admit to her own mistakes, she only said I was to blame in that situation. We went on vacation and we had the best time ever, we had small discussions here and there but nothing major.
Fast forward 4 months and we are now broken up and we were chatting about that incident. She said to me that she knew she did do a mistake by not accepting my explanation but my shouting outweighed her mistakes. What do you think?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, she made clear that you shouldn’t raise your voice, especially since she said it makes her feel small and makes me feel like she can’t handle it. But shouldn’t react like that when someone doesn’t pick up the phone right away.
It doesn’t sound like a fun relationship and I shouldn’t worry too much about it because you’ve broken up.” aardappelappel
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You definitely have anger issues, lots of people do. The upside is that you recognize this.
There are a lot of people that would either not acknowledge it or just excuse it away and blame it on other people/things.
Your SO has red flags also based on the phone call.
Break up and work on yourself, it’ll pay off in the long run when you meet your soulmate.” Floorguy1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Her because her behavior was ridiculous and two wrongs don’t cancel one another out. You (lesser of the two jerks) because the volume of your voice has nothing to do with someone taking you seriously.
It’s like when people start talking loudly and slowly in English to non-native speakers.” AdministrationThis77
1. AITJ For Saying My Dad Is A Jerk?
“Yesterday my parents needed my truck so I went over. They were going to a plant show, and I wanted to go too. I was feeling off yesterday morning (dehydration-like symptoms) so I let my dad drive and sat in the backseat.
We got back around 2 pm. My mom and I headed inside to watch some movies, I consistently was feeling worse as the day progressed.
By 6 pm, I had a high fever after waking up from a 2 hours nap. I felt so bad I stayed at their house last night cause I didn’t have the energy to go home.
This morning at 10 am, when I went to go leave, I couldn’t find my keys anywhere. I asked my dad if he had them (since he drove). He looked around but didn’t have them. I went outside, looked through the windows, and found them in the backseat.
The truck was locked. I headed back inside and that’s when the fight happened…
Me: My keys are in the backseat and the truck is locked.
My dad: Why’d you lock your keys in the truck?
Me: I didn’t, I never locked the truck.
I guess you tossed me the keys yesterday and I either didn’t notice or had already gotten out.
Him: I never tossed the keys in the backseat.
Me: Well they got there somehow and someone locked the truck.
Him: I never locked the truck.
Me: Ok. Regardless, my keys are locked in so I have to figure this out.
Him: Why don’t you have a spare?
Me: It’s at home.
Him: That’s your problem for not carrying the spare on you.
I always have a spare in my wallet.
I rarely raise my voice but I did and also called him a jerk for starting… stuff. He can never admit he’s wrong, it’s always everyone else. I was so frustrated, still not feeling good I ended up walking home to get my spare.
When I got back, they were screaming inside the house. He was talking trash about me. My mom had said, ‘She was asleep on the couch for hours and never moved. You said you went outside at 8 pm and locked all the vehicles.’ He called me a bratty child (I’m 25) and said I was creating turmoil.
I walked inside, he was in his room pouting. I apologized to my mom for raising my voice. She said she understood because if someone did that to him, he would have lost it. He’s mad at me, still thinking he’s right.
I hate friction, especially with my family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Dad’s a jerk, not admitting he’s wrong. You are trying to de-escalate the situation, but that makes it a win for your dad, which encourages this trait. The best way I would say to solve it, have your whole family at the dinner table, and talk about it.
If needed, give a few scenarios that happened and give definitive proof that he did it.” YeetyTankEngine
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You lowered yourself to his level automatically when you called him a jerk. Very crass and undignified.” FRANPW1
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