People Are Very Vocal In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Asking My Grieving Stepdad To Get Out And Do Something?
“My wife left me, then my mom died, followed by my biological father passing away from natural causes. My mom told me if anything ever happened to her, take care of my stepdad.
Well, since this all has happened, my wife and I are trying to make our marriage work, but it’s really hard to do so with him sleeping on an air mattress in our dining area.
We promised we’d allow him to stay a year until he finds a place, but he never leaves. We sometimes just need privacy, and sometimes I need my solitude. Would I be the jerk if I told him he has to find something to do at least one day out of the week?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk, but please be careful how you phrase it. I lost my husband over two years ago and have only recently started to feel less depressed and more capable. For the first year I felt unable to do (or to accomplish) anything.
Your stepdad is probably very depressed, and getting out of the house might help with that. In addition, he may need grief counseling. Perhaps you could assign him some small household chores if he’s amenable. I know getting up and doing something (anything!) can help.
It can also be very hard when you’re depressed.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am sorry for your difficult year. It’s a lovely sentiment that your mom wanted you to take care of him but at the expense of your own marriage? I’d like to think she wouldn’t want that.
As well as giving you privacy, he should find something to do for his own mental health.” Laines_Ecossaises
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What was his life like before your mother passed? Was he busy doing things or a stay-at-home guy (which you didn’t notice since he wasn’t living with you)?
If he’s always been a homebody you’ll have a hard time getting him out. If he used to be busy then help him find things to do to occupy his time. If this goes on too long he’s going to get stuck in grief and that’ll be horrible for him.” SnooBunnies7461
20. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom For Forcing Me To Change Clothes Around Male Guests?
“I (F19) am currently staying over with my mother for the summer who recently divorced my father and has been looking for another partner. So I came home for summer break a few weeks ago, and anytime a male guest comes over, whether it’s an uncle, cousin, or any man that she plans on going out with, she asks me to change.
It’s usually just things like shorts and tank tops that she asks me to change over, and I just feel as if it’s so unreasonable. The most recent time was a few days ago, and I finally snapped and yelled at her for asking me to cover up for no reason.
I asked her what kind of men is she letting into the house if they’re even looking at me like that, and now she refuses to even talk to me and has told me that I’m disrespectful. She’s told family members and family friends about the situation, and they say that I’ve been rude.
But am I really the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you shouldn’t have yelled at her, but your frustration is valid. Try explaining to her why it makes you feel uncomfortable being asked to change because it definitely isn’t your job to cover up to make others feel more comfortable.
If you were walking around in your undergarments it would be a different story, but shorts and tank tops? Ridiculous, especially in the summer, my god.” swifttt1234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m not sure your mother is either. Maybe she is? Maybe she’s just looking out for you?
Even then, it’s not her choice to decide which clothes you get to wear. But maybe something happened to her at the hands of a family member? Pure speculation, but I’d tread carefully around this topic; maybe she’s just a control freak. You know her better than I do.” __v1ce
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a valid point you raise, and perhaps there is an air of defensiveness (maybe not so much with male relatives visiting) in your mom because she maybe sees you as ‘competition’ for maintaining guys’ attention if she is actively on the lookout herself and doesn’t want their divided attention aimed at a younger version of herself.” F1_Fidster
19. AITJ For Not Asking My SIL To Be A Bridesmaid?
“I do not get along with SIL. She is rude and mean to me and acts aggressively if she’s feeling especially insecure or jealous. I try to avoid her.
I asked my now-husband if he was comfortable with me not asking her to be a bridesmaid before the wedding, and he understood and accepted the decision.
His mom was furious and demanded him to include his sister as a bridesmaid because “this was not the time to make a point.” The wedding happened, and SIL sulked the day of.
Years later, his mom booked a flight to visit us without asking first. She expected us to pick her up from the airport in the middle of the day (we both work full time so can’t).
When my husband told her he wished she asked and coordinated first, she got angry and canceled the trip. SIL texted, “he was an awful son.” When my husband confronted his mom, bringing his sister into this, and told her what SIL texted, his mom acted innocent and said she can’t control SIL.
Then, justified SIL’s actions because SIL wasn’t a bridesmaid in our wedding years ago.
So AITJ for not asking SIL to be a bridesmaid?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they both sound awful and entitled. It appears with SIL the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree.
Let them fizz, you had every right to pick your bridesmaids. Please don’t give time of day, when they grow tf up, then it will be worth your time.” cassiaclay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.. his mom did that a few years ago to us. She came up for a surprise visit, the kiddo and I had just got done being sick and our house was a mess.
It wasn’t hoarder status, just messy from being sick. She complained about everything and she tried to call CPS on us. Husband told her if she ever comes to our house unannounced, and berates me again, he would go no contact… She stopped coming around and stopped being rude.” Repulsive-Heart2401
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your decisions. She has no right to be invited let alone a bridesmaid if you don’t want her to be. And your husband backed you so good for him. I’m sorry your MIL and SIL are such jerks.” Blonde-Engineer-3
18. AITJ For Taking My Mom's Money After Being Kicked Out?
“I (16M) lived with my mom until she kicked me out. Why I was kicked out is a story for another day. So when she said “You have to go,” I asked her “Where?” She told me to figure it out.
I called my family members and none of them said they could or wanted to take me in.
So I went downstairs and took this shoebox full of money my mom had for a while. It was about 2,000 dollars in there and I took it all, packed my bags, and left.
Today my mom called, demanding the money and I told her I wasn’t going to give it back since she kicked me out unjustly and I needed it to live.
She said she’s called the police on me and that I’m wrong and a Devil child. I wanted to know, AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your mom is doing to you is probably illegal. Call the cops on her for kicking you out.
It sucks but they’ll probably have a lead on a place for you to stay too. Your mom needs jail time, not 2g. It’s her responsibility to care for you. Where’s your dad? Can you get in touch with them?” Ratzink
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Legally, you’re a minor and she can’t kick you out of the house without consequence. Legally, stealing from a parent is still stealing. One has to wonder if your mom kicked you out and no other family wanted to take you in, there must be more to the story than a few broken curfews.” sanguineophanim
Another User Comments:
“ESH. This is general as laws differ between counties. You’re technically a minor and she’s responsible for your care and well-being until you’re an adult. That being said, some countries’ social security considers an adult at 16 years, so they can start getting benefits for housing and expenses.
It won’t be enough, but will help supplement the money you earn. Arguably the money would help pay for a roof over your head and meals — expenses she MAY be required to be responsible for. But it wasn’t yours to take; it’s still theft. It’s in a grey area because she’s abandoned you and if you’ve got no immediate way of providing for yourself, arguably it’s enough to get some emergency accommodation and food until you get on your feet.
If she calls the police, you need to get some solid legal advice from a lawyer. In the meantime, welcome to the world… Now you’ve got to get a job and provide for yourself — not ready for that kind of responsibility? Connect with local child protection services and ask them to help you with some accommodation, as you’re technically an adult and can look after yourself better!” FriendlyMum
17. AITJ For Wanting To Learn About My Croatian Heritage Despite My Friend's Dismissal?
“My mother is half Croatian. My grandmother passed away when my mother was a toddler. Sadly, because of that, she never learned the language or about her culture.
I (16) have always been interested in the Croatian part of my family.
My mother and I sometimes look through old pictures of my grandmother and other relatives together.
I decided that I wanted to learn the language and about the culture. I am aware I’m not ”that much“ Croatian anymore, but I really want to. I talked with my mother and she is really happy that I want to do this.
Recently I talked with a friend about it. She asked me what the point of this was because I’m not really Croatian anymore. She then told me I could do whatever I wanted, but she thinks it’s weird and pointless. I got quiet and she said it’s just her opinion and that I had a crap reaction to it.
(It being her opinion.)
Now I’m unsure, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your grandmother was 100% Croatian, you’d be at least 25% Croatian. You don’t need to put a number on the percentage of a specific heritage you have in your bloodlines in order to justify your interest in it.
There are no rules. It’s your right to do as you please. What do you mean by “Not really Croatian anymore”? Unless you have severely mutated DNA, you’re just as much Croatian as you were the day that you were born. Nice of your “friend” to give you the permission to “do whatever you want” though.
Oh, and lastly, your friend is the jerk, 100%.” MonstahButtonz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all and in fact, it’s awesome! It’s totally understandable that you want to know about your ancestral heritage. It’s part of your family history and can also give you insight into the lives of family members who passed away before you and your mom had a chance to get to know them.
Your “friend” sounds closed-minded and rude. Don’t let her ruin this for you. Good luck learning about your family’s Croatian heritage!” miyuki_m
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not at all. I only know a few Polish swear words because my grandparents didn’t teach us much (because they argued in Polish and didn’t want their kids and grandkids to understand them!).
They passed when I was pretty young. I wish I could have learned more from them. I’ve read a little about Poland and its history, but your post made me want to study it more, so I’ll thank you for that. I know people who learn about other cultures, languages, etc. who are not even descended from that culture, nor do they claim to be.
They are just interested and want to learn. Besides, if for no other reason, making it a point of continuing to learn slows down possible dementia when we’re older. Your friend isn’t being much of a friend, at least in this case. I would ignore her.” Odd_Transition222
16. AITJ For Gifting Generously Despite My Partner's Family Complaints?
“I (30F) just spent my 2nd Christmas with my partner (29M) and his family.
I was raised in a family that did Christmas big.
And still does, even though we’re all adults and there aren’t even any grandkids yet. I’ve always loved getting people presents for birthdays, Christmases, showers, etc., and I always try to be intentional with what I’m getting as well.
Ex: For anyone in my life who gets married I typically get them something off their registry and create an “oh-crap kit” for the day of their wedding with a tackle box full of supplies for anything that can go wrong.
For baby showers of cousins I’ve done outfits (I always aim for 6-12 months because I know a lot of people do newborn stuff they don’t get a chance to use), but then I’ll do stuff like wipes and diapers and whatever (also based on registry).
I’ve gotten my younger cousins and siblings presents separate from my parents since I was 14 and had my first job. And even when I couldn’t do much I tried to always do what I could and treat everyone equally.
I’m also good at setting a relative budget for presents, but then I try to get stuff on sale so I can get more stuff for the same amount of money.
On my partner’s side, we have 4 niblings. We spent $50 on each kiddo. We did a book, a toy off their list, and an outfit for each kiddo. We got his parents 2 gifts each. For the siblings, we do a gift exchange. One of his sisters is pregnant with her second but she’s not having a sprinkle, so we brought a baby gift with 4-5 outfits, diapers, and two toys.
There were a few comments made during gifts (by one sister and his mom). The first was when they saw the kids had multiple packages. Another was when his dad had a 2nd package from us. And a third when that sister and mom had each given the new baby an outfit and then they opened the box we put together.
The comments were things like “Wait they already opened a present from OP and Partner” and then the baby comment was “Well looks like we got upstaged.”
My partner thinks this means we need to dial it back moving forward. I feel conflicted. I think it would be one thing if the person receiving the gift had an issue with what we were giving, but it’s other people who are also giving presents.
We kept things on a budget (and I don’t think it’s a class thing because his siblings and their spouses are mostly high earners. I’m probably near the bottom in that realm).
I don’t want to upset anyone or cause drama, but I also don’t think I should have to change how I gift and express love just because other gifters (and not the receivers) are upset about it.
The only time this has come up before was when my mom saw what I did on my own for my cousin’s baby shower and said it was a lot (but also she doesn’t like this cousin and didn’t get her anything).
Why I might be the jerk: If I’m overgifting and making people uncomfortable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Seems like most of their complaints were about having second packages to open. Do you think a compromise is to package all 3 gifts in one gift bag?
So it’s ‘one present?’ No jerks here because you were generous, but when your generosity makes others feel bad, you need to reconsider. Imagine if you had a low budget for your own children, got them what you could afford, and an aunt or uncle got them something really expensive without running it by you first. You’d feel overshadowed and upset.
Generous, but yeah you need to read the room.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It doesn’t sound to me like you went way beyond what is normal for the family, but it also sounds like you have room to scale back. I don’t think you’re at all a jerk – some people love gifting.
That said, I do think you may want to ‘read the room,’ because there is something of a social contract with gift-giving. I have someone in my life who is a big gifter: she gives expensive, elaborate, very thoughtful gifts. It does add some pressure to the gift-giving exchange, even though she seems totally happy and grateful no matter what I gift her.
But where this is a relationship where my budget might normally be, let’s say, $50, now it’s $100 or $150, because I know her gift is going to be over the top and I feel compelled to reciprocate. Your in-laws were a bit rude to make comments, but now you know what the norm is for gifting in your husband’s family.
For the next gifting occasion, I would try to follow their lead.” Big_Box601
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, you sound like you have a lot of ego wrapped up in your gift-giving. In other words, this is more about how you feel about how thoughtful you are, and not about the recipients or the family you’re part of, which is why I’m going with YTJ instead of a No Jerks Here or ESH.
As lots of people have said, different families have different gift cultures. Usually, that’s just something to work out – everybody has to accept that the other person’s approach is equally valid, just different and you just either accept the difference or meet in the middle.
But when you get tangled up in showing everyone how much more thoughtful/generous/creative/whatever you are with your gifts, then it’s just all about you. You want kudos for your gift-giving and that becomes more important than having an enjoyable mutual exchange that everyone shares in.
Drop the rope, OP. Have an honest and open discussion about how the family wants to approach gift-giving, or just dial it down a notch and see how that goes. If you’re making people uncomfortable, then you’re not actually being thoughtful, and if multiple people expressed discomfort at different times, then that’s what you’re doing.
The fact that not every person/recipient said something doesn’t change that.” mewley
15. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A Ticket For My Self-Destructive Brother?
“My (33f) brother (41m) is having issues with his partner (49f). She has been unfaithful to him and has left him on his own during the holidays to be with her lover. Despite this, he refuses to break it off with her and has been an absolute mess.
Now, I do feel bad for him, but this is not the first time this has happened.
Two years ago, she pulled the same stunt and I did try to help him. She kicked him out of his apartment and he stayed with me for months while desperately trying to get together with her and doing nothing to sort out his situation.
In the meantime, he spent his time crying on the couch, begging me to talk to her, getting blackout intoxicated, and acting absolutely erratic. At one point, he even left my house in the middle of the night intoxicated in just his socks, and I found him in the hospital. I tried to get him therapy and to go to a psychiatrist, but he has refused all my efforts.
I know he was struggling, but the experience was absolutely harrowing for me. So much so that I’m on antidepressants two years later.
This year, my mom and I decided to spend Christmas abroad with my sister, and now he’s begging me to buy him a ticket so he can be here with us.
I told him that he’s a 40-year-old man and can get his own ticket, and honestly, I’m dreading him coming because I can see a replay of two years ago. I love him, but I just can’t do it anymore… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a good sister. You were there for him, listened, and helped him with housing, but if he doesn’t want to face reality and accept your help, there’s not much you can do, no matter how much you want him to heal and find peace.
I can understand you feel bad for him, but you have to think about yourself. It’s not selfish. Your mental health declined because of what happened, and he’s a 41-year-old adult who is not diagnosed with a health issue that requires legal guardianship. All you can do is talk to a professional and see what options you have, maybe stage an intervention with your family.
I know interventions may backfire, but his problems have been going on for years now, and unless he wants to face them and find a solution, your power is completely limited. You can only help people when they want to be helped, and that doesn’t seem that there’s the case here.
Take care of yourself!” missvanderflag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like my granddad said, “You can’t free a fish from water.” You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. Any effort you make will further damage your own mental health, and do your brother no good whatsoever.
Also, you have never refused to help your brother. You keep throwing him lifelines, and he keeps batting them away. We went through this same crap with my maternal aunt and her abusive, criminal, lazy, addicted, ne’er-do-well first husband. No matter how hard we tried to get her help, all we got in return was “But, I love him!” Mercifully, he earned himself a long stretch in State prison, during which we got her to divorce him.” Unlikely_Ad2116
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you fly, you’re told to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others. Same with the situation with your adult brother. I’m glad you sought help for your depression, and this holiday season will be overseas with your mom.
You need this time to be for upbeat and good times. Your brother obviously has issues, and he refuses to seek help. He will guilt you to try and suck you back into his swamp of a life. Don’t let him!” Laid-back1233
14. AITJ For Being Mad That My Husband Chose The Bar Over My Medicine?
“I had been extremely sick for the last few weeks, like insomnia and fever every night that turned into bronchitis and pneumonia.
I asked my husband to please first bring my medicine, antibiotics, and a Z-pack before he went out to the bar. If he wasn’t able to do this, then I would go get it myself.
Well, first he acted as if this was something he would never do, and I’m a jerk for having to say this to him.
Then I find out he went and got my medicine, and it was sitting in his truck while he was at the bar drinking, and my son and I are home waiting on our medicine. I told him that this was very inconsiderate, and we had an argument in which he told me I’m a jerk because I could have waited since I had already been sick and sleepless for days with also a sick 7-year-old.
I feel like he chose booze over my health at that time, even after I offered to do it myself if he was incapable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… Your husband is a heavy drinker. The addiction will always come before everything else. The addict will always make excuses to protect the addiction…even when those excuses don’t make sense to anyone but him.
You have decisions to make about your future. Only you know the right answers for your family. Hugs and blessings going out to you.” OhioGirl22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My former fiancé did this to me too. I had the flu and needed an antiemetic, ginger ale, and crackers.
We lived on a busy street and across from the house was a huge parking lot and grocery store in a strip mall arrangement. I begged him to get me what I needed from the store. I thought it was off he took his truck, but when he didn’t return for 4 hours, I found out why.
He decided to go to the gym and work out, then meet a friend for a beer, then pick up my items. Meanwhile, I was very sick to my stomach and had nothing in the house to help, not even bread or ice or anything.
He is a very selfish person and I realized it that day and despite our financial entanglements with the house and our great plans for the future, he didn’t have the “in sickness” part of the wedding vow in him and I didn’t want to be with someone like that or have children with him.
There were more things that led to me breaking off the engagement and leaving him, but the time I had the flu was the first inkling that he wasn’t a worthy partner. I’m sorry you are married to someone who is also like this.
I would suggest the next time that you need help with something important like your health or taking care of yourself when you’re sick that you find a neighbor or a friend who will actually help you instead of relying on someone like your husband.” Pink_leopard7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only did he not help, but he made it impossible for you to help (or have others helping you) by keeping your medication in the truck. Focus on recovering now. Then, focus on getting out before something similar happens again, with worse consequences.” MistressLyda
13. AITJ For Quitting My Best Friend's Childcare Role When I Couldn't Take It Anymore?
“I 31f have been helping watch my nephew since the day he was born. His mother and I have been best friends for over 10 years. At this point, she’s more like a sister to me. When she found out she was pregnant, she offered me the position to help her watch her kid, at the time I was living in a crappy situation and I needed out.
In the beginning, it was easy, fun most of the time. But little things started to make it harder.
She has an autoimmune disease, so we all avoid going near her if we have the sniffles. That means the kiddo as well. If she’s sick, I watch him.
If he’s sick, I still watch him. And if he and I are both sick, I still watch him. I’ve been helping for 5 years now, and it’s been a strain on my mental health. She had offered for me to stop doing this multiple times, but each time, I hesitated. My room is rent-free so long as I’m watching the kiddo.
She no longer lives in my roommate’s house; she moved out when she got married.
For a short period of time, when I wasn’t watching him, my roommate made a few comments about me not watching the kid, and I got scared I would be kicked out.
He reassured me that that wouldn’t happen, but I still have my fears about it. This past year was especially difficult, with my failed relationships, falling out with family members, and the stress of having to watch a kiddo with special needs.
Recently, my schedule changed: I’m at her place Sunday night – Thursday night, and I go home the following Friday afternoon.
I do his homeschooling, take care of him, and try to help with the house while his parents are at work. I love him with all my heart, but I couldn’t take it. He and I are both sick, and I blurted out to my friend, “I can’t do this anymore.” She was shocked, angry, hurt, and felt betrayed. She told me she would have never taken the job if I had told her I wanted to quit.
She and her husband want to move out of the place they’re renting to get a place of their own. I do feel terrible for doing this at this time, but I don’t feel it’s solely my fault. During the time I have been taking care of my nephew, she could have been trying to find backup plans or other people to help.
I feel like she’s put it all on me. And I do appreciate the faith she has in me to help raise her baby boy. I don’t think it was fair she relied on me as much as she did. I have had to cancel plans, dates, because she needed me.
My last relationship ended because she felt bad I had a lot on my plate and didn’t want to divide my time. I gave my friend till the end of May or mid-June when I want to be done. Basically, till he’s done with the school year.
AITJ for quitting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve done so much for your friend and her son for years, and it’s okay to step back when it’s affecting your mental health. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot on your shoulders, and it’s not fair that she relied so heavily on you without a backup plan.
It’s understandable that she’s upset, but you’ve given her time to adjust and figure things out. You’ve done more than enough, and it’s okay to take care of yourself now.” andrew21photo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for quitting, BUT YTJ for not speaking up sooner – and I only say this because you admit this was a lot on you and she gave you ‘outs’ multiple times, but you didn’t take it on because I assume your rent?
Now it seems she took a job and now you are quitting, which means she has to find new childcare (which will probably cost more than she pays you) or she has to quit her job. You also should have spoken up sooner. It seems you were a live-in nanny and unfortunately canceling plans/dates happens.” WickedAngelLove
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that’s plenty of lead time. From what I am reading in the comments, they haven’t been paying you anywhere near enough for live-in care, let alone providing appropriate breaks and vacation. If you are in the US, there are labor laws that apply to nannies, and it sounds like these aren’t being followed. Good luck.” Foreign_Plan_5256
12. AITJ For Joking About My Roommates' Undergarments?
“I (26m) live with two guys both my age. We have lived together for years and are close friends.
We’ll call them Alex and Ben (not real names).
We were going to an 80s-style party and Alex wanted to show us his costume. He wore those really short workout shorts that were popular then. Ben said he wanted to get them too, and I joked he couldn’t wear them because his boxers would be longer.
He said Alex was wearing them, and I said yeah because Alex wears the v style undergarments.
They both looked at me like I was out of my mind. They wanted to know how I knew that about both of them and that it was making them uncomfortable that I was bringing it up.
I tried to explain my reasoning. It’s not something I actively think about, but I’ve been friends with these guys for years. We’ve changed in front of each other, and I’ve seen them grab coffee before getting dressed in the morning.
To me, it’s no different than knowing what kinds of shirts they like to wear.
I didn’t think of it, but they were still cold today, and they told me I was being “creepy” by doing that. I feel like a jerk, but I also feel like I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“If they didn’t want you to know what kind of undergarments they wear, why would they walk around in common areas in only their undergarments? But also, like, it seems weird to bring it up out of the blue. He was talking about a costume and suddenly you’re talking about undergarments?
I get you were just making a joke, but it seems weird and awkward. But now they’re holding a grudge? Y’all sound weird as heck. But no jerks here. Just stop being weird.” ThePhilV
Another User Comments:
“I’m torn between NTJ and no jerks here.
On the one hand, I don’t think you did anything wrong by noticing the type of undergarments they wear, considering the fact that they’ve both been around you in just their undergarments multiple times over the years. It’s not much different from female roommates noticing each other’s style of undergarments when they change in front of each other or otherwise walk around in various states of undress.
And best believe that girls will comment on it. Heck, I’m a dude and I’ve had girl roommates comment on my boxers before. So, no, you’re not a jerk for that. On the other hand, I don’t think they’re in the wrong to be uncomfortable with you commenting on it, even if they clearly seem comfortable being around you in just their undergarments.
Or were, until you commented on it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped changing in front of you, or going into the kitchen in just undergarments going forward. So, I don’t think they’re jerks for that. On the other other hand (I have three hands), I think it’s out of line for them to call you creepy and weird for it, and I wonder if there might be some homophobia going on.
It seems like they might be interpreting you noticing a trend in their choice of undergarments as you noticing them as in checking them out. I think, for that reason, I’m gonna vote NTJ.” HorrorHelicopter3064
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Your roommates have told you they were uncomfortable with that line of conversation, and rather than acknowledging their discomfort and apologizing, you’re fixated on justifying the topic.
If your roommate wants to wear a costume that’s incompatible with his typical undergarment of choice, he’s perfectly capable of purchasing a set of undergarment that will work with the costume. His discomfort isn’t so much about you knowing what he wears, as it is the fact that you brought it up so unnecessarily.
It makes it seem like you think about his undergarments far more often than would be typical; that’s not necessarily the case, but it’s the impression you gave, and it’s not hard to say ‘Sorry man, I didn’t mean to make things uncomfortable.'” littlefiddle05
11. AITJ For Doubling The Cola Penalty When My Brother Drank All The Cans?
“Due to unfortunate circumstances, both myself 25f and my brother 19m live at home still. I’m not here about that.
Summing up my medical situation wouldn’t be worth it, but I can’t live on my own for various reasons.
I get far less income than he does, yet I generally contribute the groceries and stock the fridge. This leads to a lot of issues. Last week, three people in the house came down with the flu.
My brother isn’t one of them. Our throats are extremely sore from coughing fits and such. On Wednesday, I bought 24 cans of cola to keep in the fridge for the three of us who were sick. My brother proceeds to drink 10 on the first day, and they’re all gone by Friday.
He didn’t ask. He has a laissez-faire attitude towards it. Often he’ll take first, then promise to ‘make it right’ after.
Cans are trivial, but it’s the circumstances around them that make it so insulting. Four days later, he still hasn’t ‘made it right’, so I buy more cans and make it clear to him that if he takes more cans from this new stock, he’ll owe me an entire 24-pack.
He proceeds to blow up at how unfair that is, calling me a jerk and greedy; texting me until 4 a.m. about it.
I’d say I’m clearly biased here, but I can’t not be. The situation is simply pretty one-sided. But he insists it’s me who’s wrong.
Am I the Jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You can’t change other people’s behavior, only make decisions about your own. It sounds like telling him it will be a double penalty made it clear that you are serious. NTJ for trying to set a boundary. Unfortunately, your boundary isn’t enforceable – for that, you need to know what your response will be if/when he ignores it.
I’m sorry you are stuck living with someone who has tantrums about being asked to contribute to the household. Will your parents step in at all, if you talk to them about expectations for community food and drink?” Foreign_Plan_5256
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes the only way to get something to stick is to make the punishment memorable.
The only reason you’re doubling it in the first place is because he’s blowing you off about replacing them. Too bad for him. And if it’s only a ‘molehill’, then it’ll be simple to ‘make it right’. He is very much in the wrong, in a way only an entitled teenage idiot can be.” Cauth_Bodva
Another User Comments:
“You know you’re NTJ. We all know that your brother is. Is it possible to put a padlock on your fridge to keep his greedy paws off of your food? If not, I suggest buying a big bag of ice to add to the warm cans, and keep them locked in your room.
Your brother doesn’t care about anyone but himself, so why risk putting your cans – or anything non-perishable – in the fridge for him to steal? You clearly need to find a way of keeping him away from your food… Complete with a note on the fridge telling him he needs to buy his own groceries instead of stealing yours.
Can’t your parents do anything about him? Texting you all night just to whine is ridiculous… You should’ve turned your phone off and ignored his ignorant rants. I don’t know your family’s dynamics, but if your parents can’t, or refuse, to lay down the law, I’d tell them that THEY need to start buying his food because you’ll be keeping what you buy locked in your room… See how they like that idea.
But back to your question, you’re in the right… Your brother is a selfish brat… And anyone who defends him is the jerk – but you are NTJ.” thefullnine4rain
10. AITJ For Not Complimenting My Husband After He Cleaned The Kitchen?
“My husband & I (36m, 29f) both work full time, both contribute to groceries, and both do chores around the house.
There are certain things that we tend to do that would be considered exclusively my chore or his. But that’s not to say one or the other couldn’t do that thing.
I usually start work later in the day, and finish way later.
He starts very early and is done earlier. So last night, I worked until 9 pm and came home so exhausted that I just went straight to the couch and sat down. He was standing in the kitchen chatting with me, asking how my day was, etc.
But then he goes, “Do you notice anything?” And I kind of looked around and said, “…No?” He says, “I cleaned the kitchen!” (Something that I do 9/10 times and that’s okay, the kitchen tends to be my time to relax as I genuinely love cooking/cleaning/having an organized kitchen.)
This is where I felt kind of bad, because I actually chuckled out loud and said, “Oh well there wouldn’t have been much to clean because I cleaned the kitchen this morning before I left for work!” And he kind of got put out by my comment.
“Well…. I unloaded the dishwasher and washed the frying pan in the sink!!!”
So now I doubled down on my “confusion” and pettiness because for some reason it bothered me that he was fishing for a compliment for something that I do daily and never get compliments on (nor do I seek or need them) and said, “Oh, I also unloaded AND loaded the dishwasher and washed all your breakfast dishes by hand this morning.” To which he started stomping off and said, “You could have just said you were proud of me.” And now I was grumpy because I felt the whole interaction felt childish.
“Well are YOU proud of ME?!” To which he said, “That’s not the point, I just tried to do something nice for you and you’re not even grateful.”
So, AITJ for refusing to just say thank you?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Unless you think your husband did the work out of pettiness or to make you feel bad, then what he did was something he thought would be helpful after you had a late day at work. Even if we think fishing for a compliment here is cringy, it’s not jerkery.
He wasn’t looking for compliments for doing a chore, he was looking for appreciation for doing something for you. Those are different things, even if you don’t see it in the moment. You had a long and late day. You’re tired and out of sorts, and he walks in being cringy after doing something unnecessary.
And you’re supposed to give him head pats for that? Cleaning something you cleaned this morning? Why would he think the kitchen needed cleaning? There was a single frying pan in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher. The only real issue here is going to be recovery.
Is he going to be able to understand why it wasn’t the gesture he thought it was? Are you going to be able to see it as the gesture it was?” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but when you have the conversation with him you really need to drill down on the “I tried to do something nice for you” and ask him to fully explain how him cleaning up after himself one single time is doing something nice for you.
Ask him if he thinks that you should also only do housework in your joint household in moments you “want to do something nice” for him. And explain that you will never be proud of him for doing the bare minimum of pulling his own weight and that maybe this is a moment for him to think about what you are doing 90% of the time if this is his expectation/reaction matrix for the 10%.
Put your dang foot down and tell him to not only grow up but deal with the growing pains that come along with that.” kittygattochat
Another User Comments:
“Next time ask him, “if you were single and had dirty dishes to be taken care of, you’d do them right?
Because it’s just a task that has to be done, right? Why do I need to tell you ‘good job’ for doing a task that any adult human living alone would also need to do?” It especially grinds my gears when people (men particularly) throw going to work or doing chores in their SO’s face saying “look at all I do for us/for you”.
Sir….? Regardless of the presence of an SO in your life, you’d still have to go to work to pay the bills. You’d still have to make sure the dishes were clean, and you had clean clothes to wear. The floors would still need to be swept and the children would INDEED AND DESPITE SEEMINGLY POPULAR BELIEF still need to be fed, bathed, and put to sleep.
Those things have to be done, period, not because you should be making someone happy or are seeking praise, but just because you’re a darn adult.” Fullerhouse2016
9. AITJ For Protecting My Mom When My Grandparents Accused Her Of Bullying?
“I’m a 23-year-old young woman who lives with my mom, 41F, and my stepdad, 56M, and my 21M brother.
My mom’s parents were always so stuck up. But I still loved them. Growing up, my brother and I noticed a lot of favoritism with my mom’s younger sister, Kacie, 32F. My mom has 3 siblings.
My aunt, Kacie, is mentally challenged with autism.
My grandparents gave her extra love and care due to it. Now, mind you, I completely understand that she needed extra love and care due to her autism. But my brother and I both noticed she’s very spoiled. She constantly wants to go to Disney, she wants to use all of my mom’s products that my mom paid for, and constantly asks my grandparents for money, and they’d give it to her on the spot.
One day, it was New Year’s Eve. Everyone in the family was having a great time, or so I thought. We all cracked jokes about each other, and about our past memories, and laughed. My mom made a small joke about my aunt Kacie for being silly as a child, eating peanut butter, thinking it was chocolate, and crying about it.
Everyone laughed about it, even my grandparents.
After New Year’s Eve, I went downstairs for some snacks, and I heard my mom on the phone. My grandparents were screaming at her, saying my aunt Kacie cried to them, saying my mom was “bullying” her and hurt her feelings, saying she attacked her.
My mom tried to calm them down, but they kept screaming at her, to the point where I saw tears in her eyes and heard sniffling. My stepdad tried to also calm them down, but they accused him of also getting in on the bullying.
I froze. But then I instantly took the phone from my mom. I screamed at them, calling them ridiculous and stupid. I reminded them that they were there and heard everything, and they have the audacity to attack my parents for something like that. They never bothered to get her side of the story and immediately attacked my parents for something like that.
My grandma was crying and my grandpa was shocked. I told them to go screw themselves and never to contact my mom ever again, then hung up. I wrapped my arms around both my mom and stepdad, telling her it wasn’t her fault.
The next day, my family was telling me I was being too harsh and that my aunt is autistic and to be more considerate.
I just wanted to protect my mom. Am I wrong??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is autistic but that doesn’t give your grandparents the right to bully and crap on your mom for a joke that they laughed at. Your mom needs to tell them to go freak themselves and cut them off for a while; at least until they can treat her with dignity and respect.
Kacie is a jerk too, she knows what she is doing. After all of this, your grandparents are going to expect your mom to care for Kacie when they are no longer able to. She needs to set those boundaries now.” Storms_and_Rainbows
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandparents were over the top and needed their noses swatted with the Sunday paper. Just because someone has a disability, you make allowances for it. In my time working around all sorts of disabilities, the most common thing they told me is, they wanted to be treated like ‘normal’ people instead of their disability.
That doesn’t mean go full-bore teasing and, from what you described, that was a minor joke. I would encourage your household to go low contact with grandparents until they grow up.” Chzncna2112
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: My son is autistic, and I made sure he received the proper care so he could learn to manage his autism and develop an everyday life.
I did not make excuses for him or put him above my other children. Today, he has his master’s degree, works successfully, and lives an everyday life with autism. To be clear, my son is not slightly on the spectrum. He has autism. He was taught mechanisms that enabled him to live a full life.
Your grandparents are not doing that. They are failing all of their children in equal measure and different ways. Good for you for sticking up for your mother. She raised you right.” ClassicCommercial581
8. AITJ For Yelling At My Step-Sister And Her Friend Over Noise?
“Currently, we are on a cruise, the last full day. I’m with my step-sister and her friend. They’re both 11 and I’m a few years older. My step-sister and I are staying in a room with our parents next door and my step-sister’s friend a floor above us with her family.
My dad always takes the side of my step-sister because she’s the youngest. I’m the one who had to sit in the middle seat on 2-hour-long drives both ways because she’ll get upset. This has been happening for years. It’s really annoying and my dad tells me, “Deal with it, you’re the oldest.” My step-sister always takes my stuff without asking because I let her use it once.
My dad always has a habit of telling my step-sister how well she did then just saying “good job” to me.
My step sister and her friend went to do something and I stayed in the room because I was tired and wanted to read.
The room needed to be made up by the staff, so I moved to my parents’ room. I woke up to the mattress going up and down. I thought the boat was rocking and woke up and didn’t do anything till my step-sister and her friend started laughing.
I’ll admit I acted rude and told them to get the heck out. They didn’t. I just went back to sleep, but they started singing really loud and I told them to go to the other room if they wanted to be loud.
No response, and they kept doing it—kicking the bed so the mattress was going up and down and singing—so I yelled at them to get out unless they were gonna be quiet. This was around five minutes after they started kicking the bed. They ended up leaving; I went back to bed.
My step-sister came back and said sorry. I kinda grumbled because I’d been asleep. Also, it’s not like that fixes it. They had me tell them to stop multiple times and it was clearly a bad idea. I ended up replying to my dad’s text and said I was in his room and that the girls were being rude.
He replied with “Be nice and not grumpy.” I was gonna say what they did, but my dad came in and I told him what had happened and he said I acted really rude. I don’t think I did, but did I? He told me to be nicer and asked how this would affect our friendship and how we were having so, k, uh, fun before and it would be awkward now.
I told him I wasn’t going to let them act like that. He said they were just being silly. My dad asked if I wanted to find them and I said I was okay and wanted to sleep. My dad said I’ve slept enough.
To be fair, it was a few hours, but I’m emotionally tired from depression (not diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms, etc. It’s really obvious).
I’m mad at my dad for letting them be bratty and expecting me to let them be rude.
I told them twice to stop and they didn’t until I yelled. I don’t know if I was rude or not? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No. You are not a jerk. NTJ. Your step-sister was being a jerk and she knew it. Kicking your bed?
That’s insane. I’m so mad that if I was in your position I would get myself in trouble by waking up your step-sister and dad constantly. How are the friend’s parents? Are they nice? If they were, I would apologize to the friend with the parents in the room.
Say you didn’t mean to scream at them, but when they started yelling and kicking the bed you reacted without thinking about it because you were sleeping and reacted without thinking. That might get the girl into trouble (if they are nice people). But in all seriousness, I would start joining clubs that get you out of the house or get a job when you turn 16.
Do good in school and move far away.” Vicsyy
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like your father is clueless. He thinks what you did would affect you being friends. Does he not understand that you guys are not friends? That you probably will go low contact with her the moment you move out?
Or will he get the shocked Pikachu face when it happens? Regardless, you are not NTJ. Do what you can to get diagnosed asap. If you can, get counseling and see if you can have just your dad with you so you can talk about him always putting your step-sister first. Good luck.
Reddit seems to be a good place to vent so vent away. Ignore anyone who tells you that you are NTJ for your feelings. No one is a jerk for the way they feel. Good luck.” Mysterious_Try_4453
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, but how you handled it wasn’t the best either.
You did ask them twice before snapping. The fact they weren’t just being loud, but antagonizing you trying to rest by kicking the bed would infuriate me. I’m the younger sibling but my older sister was the golden child. I’ve been diagnosed with insomnia and depression from a very young age and she’d do these things to me.
Insomnia made me physically tired, depression made me mentally/emotionally tired. So when I felt like I could sleep, I’d go to try and nap no matter the time. She’d always find an ‘excuse’ to wake me up because she didn’t like it and didn’t understand.
It still doesn’t, and I’m in my 30s now. I’ve been in your shoes of giving chances and snapping. When you’re exhausted, especially emotionally burned out, sometimes it’s hard to regulate what you say/how you sound. That’s not an excuse, though.
Your sister apologized unprompted. It would be good if you explained why you snapped and then, depending on her response, you can apologize or not.
It sounds like you’re kinda caught between your parents and your sister (and friend). Everyone is paired up but you, whether you prefer it or not. It can feel like you’re at a disadvantage constantly, especially when your father doesn’t hear your side and doesn’t treat you both equally.
INFO: Could you talk to your mom about it? I’d also be careful with self-diagnosing. It’s always good to do research, so good job. But it would be good to go get evaluated. It might help your dad understand you better. My parents struggled to understand why I differed from my sister, it was a big learning curve for them.
Chances are, your dad just needs to be educated that you work differently and meet you in the middle. I hope you can have a nice trip, OP!” Legolaslegs
7. AITJ For Speaking Up About My Friend's Neglectful Parenting With A Second Child?
“Almost 10 years ago, my friend Sue got pregnant unexpectedly by a man she barely knew and ghosted him as soon as she figured it out.
My wife offered to take Sue to the nearest women’s clinic if she needed to, as she had no money and very few resources to take care of a child. Sue decided to go through with the pregnancy, so the baby, Alex, was born, and we supported that she wanted Alex and was very happy to be a mother.
Over the next few years, however, Alex spent more time with their grandparents than their mother, as Sue was unhappy with how much time Alex took up, and Sue just wanted to play video games. (Side note, this is not speculation – she told us this directly.)
Sue found a partner, Jon, who seemed like a good person. They soon moved in together as a family. Since they have moved in together, Sue and Jon hand off Alex to their grandparents nearly every day of the week. They refuse to pick Alex up after daycare or school because Sue and Jon want “time alone together,” and they never spend a full weekend with Alex.
Jon has been fired from multiple jobs from missing too much time at work, and, as a consequence, they are living paycheck-to-paycheck (this is also something we were told directly). They somehow always find money to spend on video games for themselves, but not for Alex.
Now Sue is pregnant again. She told us they have been looking forward to this for years, and she seems excited about it.
From our side, they have a track record of money problems and borderline neglect towards the child they already have. Adding another child seems like a horrible idea.
I’m sure we are biased, but we have heard directly from Sue about their money problems, relationship problems, we were told that my wife and I are “smart to not have kids,” and that they don’t like spending time with Alex, despite the kid being smart and well-behaved. We have witnessed Sue literally push Alex away from her every time Alex wants a hug from their mom.
My wife and I aren’t related to them in any way, but we have had to step up to buy Alex gifts, listen to them, and give them hugs every time their mom shoves them away just so they know someone cares.
I feel obligated to tell my friend that keeping this second child is a horrible idea, and I would hate to see her and her family suffer because of it.
I want nothing but the best for them, but they seem intent on making unwise decisions. My wife and I are already foreseeing Alex being neglected more than they already are, making us feel like we have to step up even more to take care of a kid that isn’t ours.
Would I be the jerk for voicing my concerns or not?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH you both suck because why has it taken you so long to call her out on her behavior? She is obviously neglectful, but seeing a child be literally pushed away by their mother should make anyone speak up.
You should voice your concerns because this is not an ok situation. And when she has this new baby there’s a possibility she will behave the same towards the baby as Alex, and then Alex will have to take care of the baby. Or she’ll ignore the first to focus on the baby entirely.
Either way, I can only see things getting worse for her first child. Is it possible to sit her down with the grandparents and everyone discuss what will happen once this child is born? Anyway, you have this conversation and she’s bound to be unhappy for being called out on being a bad parent.
She’ll probably lash out, so you need to lay out what you’ve personally seen and how you’ve had to step up for her child. But for the sake of her children, make sure to stand your ground.” gerogeroneko212
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ in my opinion.
You really aren’t caring for the child, but you’re not the jerk to feel this way. It’s like if someone is unwilling or unable to care for current children as an outsider it can be infuriating to watch this happen. Sounds like you do not have the same values.
I think what you COULD say without overstepping is ‘I have watched you struggle with Alex over the years, how are you feeling about a second?’ You may open a conversation, but you really are overstepping otherwise. As unfortunate as it is, I think you can gently express concerns without coming off as a jerk.
Likely anything too strong won’t result in a constructive conversation anyway. Especially if this behavior is what she has exhibited for this long. Sounds like you’re a good person with good intentions, but that doesn’t mean your friend is receptive.” Miss_Judge_and_Jury
Another User Comments:
“I found this problem interesting as I don’t think you can win either way. But you are also NTJ either way. I don’t agree that you should give up the friendship, because people are much more than their values and behavior as parents and history with friends isn’t something to discard lightly.
Regarding the baby, your friend probably shouldn’t have just let this happen, but now it’s going to happen anyway, whatever you do or don’t say, so this is entirely out of your hands. It sounds like the grandparents will be the relatively stable figures in both kids’ lives up to a point, if I read it correctly.
I have told two friends that going ahead with the final ‘accident’ kid was probably a bad idea, and their tragedy-waiting-to-happen went ahead and happened all the same. It played out over time. Divorce, family breakdown, kids with serious issues. I try to be there as much as I can in one case, but I have lost touch with the other one who actually had a conscience and got deeply religious.
The one I stay in touch with is a really valuable person despite the problems. Recently came to the conclusion that lots of people who have kids are like your friend. Kids will find a way through, probably, and it may be good for Alex to have a half-sibling, particularly if they can support each other when they get older – and help each other when the parents get old and expect to get cared for.” [deleted]
6. AITJ For Charging My Family For Crocheting Custom Turtles?
“I have been crocheting for about two years, but only recently started making things for my family. My aunty wanted me to make her two turtles, which are very large and require a lot of yarn that is very expensive. I told her I would do the first one for free since I have a rule of one freebie per family member, and then if you want anything else made, you have to pay.
I then told her the second one would be 25 dollars (which was very cheap for the size of the project), but she would also have to pay for the yarn herself. She started getting angry with me, saying she shouldn’t have to pay for it to begin with because she is family.
My mum is on my side, but a lot of my other family members are on her side. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Homemade crafts cost money. I’m a potter and clay is expensive. If someone wants a simple mug, yes, I will throw it for free, but if they want something elaborate, I charge them the cost of clay, glazes (if I don’t already have them), and a portion of the kiln time.
The exception I make is for Christmas gifts. I start making things in August for the holidays if people want something (otherwise, I’d prefer to buy a gift because it’s faster) and I don’t charge for that.” LowBalance4404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My sister-in-law makes the BEST stained glass artwork I’ve ever seen, and if I want a particular piece, I PAY FULL PRICE LIKE ANY OTHER PERSON!
Your craft costs time and materials. If you start giving out constant freebies to your family when they demand, it’s going to get worse. Good for you for having boundaries and sticking to them. Good luck!” SassyCatLady442
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Fellow crocheter here (hi!) and it’s completely fair for you to charge custom orders you receive from family.
Them ordering from you is no different than ordering something else from Etsy. You are creating something by hand, which not only takes time, but you’re spending your own money on the materials to make it in the first place. Try explaining to her that you’re spending your time and money on something she wants you to make for her for free is not reasonable.
You’re a crafter just like everybody else, so you should be expecting pay just like them. Plus, $25 and a free turtle made with some pricey yarn? That’s a very generous deal!” OkBadger4765
5. AITJ For Cooking Bacon Early In The Morning?
“My bio parents passed away when I was 14, and I got adopted by my current guardians: Marcie (67 F) and Pat (65 M). My bio parents knew them and thought they would be a good fit for me if anything happened to them.
I moved in with them when I was 14, and I just recently turned 18 in October.
Marcie and I don’t really get along, I’m not sure what changed, we used to get along well but within the last year, she’s been cold, and we get into arguments over small things. Now, onto the story.
Monday I woke up at 2 AM.
I had school and I knew if I went back to sleep I’d wake up late. So I decided to have some coffee and stay up til I started getting ready (normally around 5). I sat for a little over an hour on my phone and started to get hungry and was craving some bacon.
So I went to the kitchen and microwaved some bacon. All was okay, I cooked 5 pieces, and nothing was burnt. I went to my room and ate the bacon.
About 15 minutes later, I heard Marcie come downstairs to put our dog outside. Then, she came and banged on my bedroom door and she immediately started yelling.
She said that she woke up and smelled something burning, so she jumped out of bed because she “thought the house was on fire”. She said that she tripped on the dog in the dark, causing her to hit her head, and told me that it was all my fault for cooking the bacon.
I explained I just wanted some bacon, and I didn’t mean to scare her. She didn’t reply and just asked if I cooked all of the bacon. I told her no and that I only made 5 pieces. She just glared at me and slammed my bedroom door and went back to her room (which is upstairs).
I just sat on my phone because I was kind of shaken up. Then she texted me, telling me that Patrick would be driving me to school because she has a huge goose egg on her head, and is seeing double. I just texted back “Ok, sorry you fell”.
Later on before Pat got home, I thought it would be nice of me to go upstairs and tell Marcie I was sorry she got hurt and it was never my intention to scare her. So, I went upstairs and I told her I wanted to say I was sorry for worrying her, and that she hit her head.
After a minute of awkward silence, she said that I shouldn’t have cooked the bacon and she wouldn’t have fallen. She said it was all on me for cooking it, causing the house to smell like it was on fire.
Pat took me to school and in the evening after dinner, when Pat left for work, I decided to go upstairs to talk to Marcie again.
I told her that although she got hurt from smelling the beacon, it upset me when she yelled in my face. She then told me that I upset her and that she wasn’t going to apologize for yelling, because it’s “normal”.
I don’t know what to do anymore, many things have happened and she seems to make me try and feel as guilty as possible.
My therapists say that she’s a narcissist. I know I’m in the wrong for cooking the bacon so early in the morning, I just feel like my feelings are being dismissed.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Cooking smelly food in the middle of the night is inconsiderate to other people in the house.
But you’re not at fault for making her panic so much that she hit her head. She needs to be more careful. Maybe she should get some night lights so that she’s not hurting herself in the dark. If there was a fire, panicking like that and hitting her head wouldn’t have been good, either.
She was probably more upset because she was woken up in the middle of the night and hit her head, but screaming at you is an overreaction. What you did didn’t warrant being screamed at. Are there smoke detectors in the house? Are they checked regularly?
Also, if she’s really seeing double after hitting her head, she needs to go to a doctor or the ER ASAP. Head injuries with symptoms like that can be very serious.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“It was too early to cook something that smells as strongly as bacon.
(I love bacon, and its smell, btw. LOL) It sounds like Marcie is fed up with you being there or maybe with her own life, who knows? It’s a good idea to try to find a way to (re)connect with her, if you can, especially if you need to stay there for a few more years.
If you could find a way to spend time, all 3 of you, doing something, like playing cards, or taking a walk in the park, maybe you can just chat together and she will be reminded that you are not simply that person who (seems to) irritate her all the time.
LOL She may be a narcissist, who knows, but if you apologize when you do something wrong/inconsiderate, there’s not much more you can do, so just ignore the rest of her comments and criticisms once you’ve apologized. You can’t control the need she has to let it out.
LOL Soft NTJ. You apologized, Marcie made it into a whole big deal for nothing.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has insomnia and wakes up veryyyyy easily, I would be confused if I smelled food (especially something as strong as bacon) while sleeping in the middle of the night, but I wouldn’t react the way she did.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. Marcie overreacted, blamed you for her injury, and refused to apologize for hurting your feelings. On the other hand, you apologized and tried to take accountability by talking it out with her, but she clearly does not want to resolve this tension amicably.
They took you in, so they are expected to provide you with a safe place to live, and based on your other comments, it doesn’t seem like this is an ideal living situation for you. It’s never fun walking on eggshells around someone, and Marcie sounds like the type of person who overreacts to small incidents and doesn’t take accountability for her actions/words.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Hang in there, you’ll be able to move out eventually and have the peace you deserve.” According_Side_3673
4. AITJ For Being Angry At My Fiance For Wanting To Paint?
“My fiancé B (33M) and I (26F) have come down with the flu 2 weeks ago. During the 1st week, we were extremely sick and only got out of bed to eat or use the bathroom.
B also went out once to get groceries and did most of the cooking because I’m also pregnant.
Last Tuesday we started feeling better and even felt good enough to go for a walk but it didn’t last long as we quickly got exhausted and later that night we were feeling just as bad as we had felt before.
We spent the next two days in bed again until I had to go to the ER because I was having some light bleeding that worried us due to a previous miscarriage. B didn’t take me to the ER as he was still feeling quite weak but he booked me a car to get there and back home.
I wasn’t thrilled about having to go alone but I understood how exhausted he was and with all the restrictions I wasn’t even sure he would be able to go in with me. The doctor didn’t see anything abnormal but I have to go back tomorrow for a new examination.
On Friday we both woke up feeling good and it looks like we finally recovered.
Now to what matters: after 2 weeks of being sick, our flat got really messy so this morning I got on with tidying up while B slept in. I cleaned and disinfected the whole bathroom as well as the kitchen, sorted clothes so we can do the laundry tomorrow and put everything back into place.
Took me about 3 hours to do all that so then I got a bit tired and got back into bed with B. The only things that weren’t done by the time he got up were a pile of his clothes that needed sorting, his own desk and the art supplies he had used the night before.
When we got up I started cooking lunch but the first thing he did after getting up was go back to painting which annoyed me but I kindly asked him to put away his stuff first which he did. But he also took all 5 of the laundry bags into the living room to sort his clothes and instead of putting them back when he finished, he went back to painting and left the living room all messy.
After about an hour of cooking, I needed his help and because he was in such a hurry to get back to painting he was careless and spilled boiling water. Some of it fell on my feet and it really hurt and at that point, I exploded and yelled at him to get the heck out of the kitchen.
He went directly to his painting, I followed him and yelled at him to put all “this crap” away and to tidy it all up because “I’m not your freaking maid”. He told me to not be so rude and I told him I wouldn’t need to be rude if he wasn’t so messy.
I finished cooking, he put everything away and we ate in silence and haven’t spoken since.
Now that I’m calmer I’m starting to wonder if I overreacted and was a jerk for yelling at him and not letting him enjoy finally being fit enough to go back to painting.
I also feel bad because during the last 2 weeks he did pretty much everything for me despite being sick himself and maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so angry.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say in the comments “if he had done it correctly”.
He did it correctly, he just didn’t do it your way. You yelled and cursed at your partner for making a mistake. Is this how you’re going to raise your child? Being angry with them and resenting them for not cleaning your way, on your schedule?
Verbally abusing them because they make mistakes? I get that you’re tired and hurting and want to get stuff done while you can. But you’re about to have years of being tired and hurting while wanting to get stuff done. If this is your reaction to your partner, it will probably be your reaction to your child.
You have a finite amount of time to work on this before your child gets here. Do so.” mirmaidkitten
Another User Comments:
“I am torn between NTJ and no jerks here. You both just had an extremely stressful set of weeks and I can see both of your lines of thinking.
You want a clean home to relax and decompress in after 2 weeks of being sick and after your major scare. He wanted to paint and relax and decompress after those same events. But being a good and considerate spouse doesn’t end when you’re healthy. What he did was just inconsiderate, of you, your time, effort, and your need to have a clean home.
You say you just cleaned and he turns around and makes a mess in your newly clean home. You need help making dinner, the same dinner that he is going to be eating himself, but he can’t pay enough attention to boil water? Also, it got on your feet, he spilled boiling water on your feet?
I can’t imagine you not getting angry at him with that. He should have been more careful, more considerate, and tbh, he’s prioritizing his desire to paint above your hard work and your health in not literally burning you.” Adigitalhedgehog
Another User Comments:
“When I read this post I thought hmm, seems like there’s a bigger issue going on here.
So while I don’t think yelling was appropriate, you were frustrated with him not helping you clean and making more messes for you to clean up and I understand. But yelling doesn’t solve anything. You do need to apologize, and you two need to talk about bettering your communication.
I also strongly recommend a couple’s therapist. ESH because he decided on his own to paint all night the night before, which needs to stop when the baby comes. He was distracted with his painting probably since he stayed up all night and left a mess in the living room.
But you let out your frustration in a bad way. It was building up since he decided to stay in bed and you left to go to the hospital (no judgment from me on that). You can’t be doing that if you want a healthy relationship, especially with a baby on the way.
edited for judgment and refining my thoughts on this.” citrushibiscus
3. AITJ For Losing It On My Aunt For Comparing My Sister To Miss Trunchbull?
“My (17f) aunt (40f) and cousins (10f and 6f) came over to our house for a visit.
My cousins and my little sister (8f) were playing around the house. They were chasing each other around. I think they were playing tag.
I, my dad, and my aunt (who is his sister) were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee when my sister and oldest cousin ran past us.
My sister was chasing after her. My aunt suddenly yelled out laughing, “Don’t fall on her and squish her, Miss Trunchbull!”
My sister and I had just rewatched the movie Matilda a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t really get the connection until my sister suddenly got very quiet before going to her room in tears.
I looked up the character again on my phone and it clicked. I jumped up and started yelling at my aunt, which led to a screaming match between the both of us until she grabbed her kids and left.
My aunt has always been an almond mom to her daughters, always saying weird stuff that she “has to keep them skinny” and that she’ll make sure they’re models one day.
She has made remarks before to my sister that she eats too much.
My little sister is chubby, not obese, but still chubbier than most of the kids in her class. She has gotten bullied for this before and is insecure about her weight. My aunt knew this since my sister genuinely loves her and talked to her about it before.
I couldn’t wrap my head around why she would say something so hurtful. I went to my sister’s room and she was crying. She asked me why she can’t be beautiful, and it broke my heart.
My parents said I overreacted, but I heard them talking in their room about how disrespectful it was that my aunt said that.
I’m still grounded regardless.
It’s been a week since then, but my aunt called last night and basically said she won’t see us until I apologize. Now, my parents are urging me to say sorry.
I feel like I was right to have stood up for my sister, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose connection with my cousins.
I’m really confused if I should apologize or not because maybe I did overreact. I just don’t know.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your parents that SOMEONE has to protect your sister, and if they won’t do it then you absolutely WILL do the protecting that they should be doing.
Also tell them that you expect the aunt to apologize to little sister if she’s demanding an apology from you because what you said would never have happened if Aunt didn’t bully little sister. Tell your parents that even if they’re okay with Aunt making toxic and abusive comments about nieces/her own kids you can’t watch it happen to your little sister in the place where she is supposed to be the safest – her own home.
That you can’t help that Aunty has a disordered and outdated idea of feminine beauty and that it turned her into an adult who bullies children, but you’ll be DARNED if you will let her treat your little sister that way.” Tree_Chemistry_Plz
Another User Comments:
“PLEASE stand up to your sister against the aunt. Your little sister needs an ally. Someone who can tell her she is different but still lovely and lovable and beautiful, and being skinny is not a good measurement of a person – give example: your aunt.
Also please tell your parents that your sister cried and was really hurt by the words, and ask why they don’t want to stand up for their daughter. I was a chubby child and had no allies. I felt like at best people avoided talking about my weight.
No one ever said I was as good as I was, and no one defended me against mean comments. Some of the comparisons hurt me so badly that I had to work to get over them in my 30s. I felt like my family thought I was fat and ugly and laughed at me.
It’s not probably the whole truth, and looking at my childhood pictures I was a really cute young person, but that is what no allies and no positive commentary makes you feel like. Your aunt made a comparison of your cute little sister to a tyrannical, butch, big, and manlike character, and unless your sister strives to be masculine and butch, that hurts in SO many ways, not just body comparison.
She must feel so bad, being hurt like this by someone she thought was a close family member, poor baby.” Human-Bee-3731
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but, and I hate to say this, you didn’t handle it perfectly. That said, you demonstrated that you’re a great sibling.
Should your aunt have been kicked out? Probably yes. Should she have been shamed for what she said? Absolutely yes. But when you yell at someone it triggers either their anger or fear response. Both of these emotions are shields against shame because it allows them to see themselves as the victim.
When she remembers this she’ll remember her making a joke, you freaking out over it, and then your family explaining that her joke was too mean. To her, being yelled and sworn at is worse than a mean joke, so she’ll be indignant.
The only thing she’ll think she’s learned is that you are hot-headed. You want to make her feel ashamed? After your sister left, You should have said to your aunt very quietly that shaming a little girl because of her weight is an awful thing to do.
Remind her that your little sister shared her insecurities with her and your aunt weaponized that for a cheap joke. Check on your sister, come back, and tell your aunt that she’s in her room crying.” Ok_Strategy5722
2. AITJ For Getting Mad When My Husband Made A Sarcastic Christmas Joke?
“I had wrapped all the presents for our children (7m&9f) and I was putting them in the pillowcases from Santa on Christmas Eve.
My husband came in and said, ‘Oh great, so we’re not going to get them too many presents next year then?’
I said, ‘That’s weird, that doesn’t sound like thanks for all your hard work wrapping.’
He said, ‘Oh come on I’m just making a joke.
Stop trying to start fights with me.’
I just think there are a lot of ‘jokes’ that end in fights if I don’t say some version of ‘sorry I did it wrong again’ after them. AITJ or was this harmless fun I took the wrong way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ my husband will make some flippant comment, I respond sarcastically and then HE gets his feelings hurt and I’M the bad guy. When I point out what his comment meant to me, he then winds up admitting that it was a jab for something that was gnawing at him.
Sounds like your husband doesn’t know how to be upfront and honest, just like mine. Maybe after any comment made by him ask: what is really bothering you? I should start doing this as well.” Outrageous_Hair_5909
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sarcasm as a joke is different from sarcasm as a weapon.
Ask (yourself, because he won’t be able to give a real answer) what he’s trying to say with this sarcasm. ‘You bought too many presents, I hate that.’ Or ‘That looks like a lot of work, what a waste of time.’ Or ‘I am trying to make light of the fact that I am unhappy you spent too much money.’ Regardless, it’s sending a clear message to criticize you.
It’s not funny or lighthearted, it’s mean-spirited and unproductive. If he has an actual issue he can communicate it to you in a constructive, respectful way. And preferably with a ‘compliment sandwich.’ Sarcasm to shame or criticize is a surefire way to be a jerk.” earthenlily
Another User Comments:
“Did you say something like that after last year? To me, it sounds like maybe you’d talked about it last year saying it was too much and we’re going to go simpler next year (this year), but then that didn’t happen and he said that as a joke.
If that’s what happened, No jerks here. I can see why it might have annoyed you after doing a lot of hard work, but I can also see how he could be making a joke. If this kind of thing is a constant issue, there might be a bigger issue.” Amber11796
1. AITJ For Canceling A NYE Date Because Of Last-Minute Childcare Concerns?
“My partner is so upset with me at the moment. We rarely get to go out anymore due to a lack of childcare for our 3-year-old. I do plan day/early dates with a sitter from time to time, but it’s not great leaving her with someone during bedtime.
I’m probably too uptight about this, honestly.
My SO surprised me with tickets to an NYE show 45 minutes away from our house. His mom is in town from another country for the holidays, so we’d have childcare. The day came, and we both had concerns about leaving our 3-year-old with his mom because she was not necessarily great as a sitter and our 3-year-old not warming up to her as we hoped she would.
I’m also working all week and quite tired. We decided to forgo going and stay in for the evening. Or so I thought because after I made dinner, he said, “Let’s just go, we should have some fun.”
I got upset because why didn’t he express his enthusiasm for going before I got it in my head that we were staying in?
It’s hard for me to rally and get out of the house late. I was actually relieved when he said we shouldn’t go, and then when he changed his mind I was upset and wouldn’t go. But again, I’m tired! And I’m not sure his mom would be okay watching our toddler through bedtime.
AITJ? Should I have just sucked it up and gone out?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. But it sounds like he has issues too. Him, because I suspect he didn’t have concerns about leaving his mom to babysit but was caving to your anxiety, which he later regretted. He also resents the fact you won’t spend time with him but has let it build up instead of being open and having an adult-to-adult conversation with you.
You are tired? Show me a parent who isn’t. The rest of us suck it up and still have our own lives and prioritize our partners and relationships. I was doing and enjoying date nights starting at about 6 weeks out from giving birth, and I was 41 when I gave birth.
You have a 3-year-old, not a 3-day-old child, and you can’t have a sitter through bedtime? There is something wrong here. That you lack childcare is a lie. You are unwilling to use it. This makes no sense. It feels like some sort of trauma playing out and/or control issues in general, which are not good things to subject your child to.
You may want to seek therapy for that so you don’t pass along this anxiety. Why isn’t his mother fit to be a sitter? Was his mother abusive or neglectful to him? Why would she not be capable of being in a house with your sleeping child?
Is she in her 90s and has mobility issues? Severe health issues? I’m in my late 50s and my parents would have no issues babysitting a toddler, so I’m not getting the concern. Is it real or are you just using it as an excuse to not go out with your partner?
If it is the latter and your relationship is over, stop jerking him around. I feel like there is a lot missing from this story.” Ok_Taro4324
Another User Comments:
“3 years old is a good time to start putting your child in someone else’s care for a bit.
MIL might not be agile, but it’s NYE. A 3-year-old should not be going to bed after 8 p.m. I would have had MIL put the child to bed with you getting ready in the other room, give a kiss goodnight, and go out. Why couldn’t you leave at 8:30, get to the event by 9:15, and leave to come home at 12:30 a.m.?
Your relationship needs tending too, and spending attention/time on your spouse strengthens that essential relationship, and also helps your child begin to grow with multiple caregivers/environments. If you already know you hold on a bit tightly, then you probably hold on even more than you realize.
If the child doesn’t have a regular bedtime, or can’t take other caregivers, or has completely unregulated tantrums at 3, this is either the child’s medical need or a sign of over-attached parenting. Take some time to develop regular calming/eating/bedtime routines, and start regular date nights with a hired professional if needed (stay home with a babysitter the first time to get the child used to them if you need to – this is absolutely worth paying for your comfort as much as the baby’s).
You and your husband are worth independent time, and actually, it’s good for your child too.” 1angryravenclaw
Another User Comments:
“He bought tickets, planned a special night, I would have gone. Remember to feed your relationship as it is important. Ok she isn’t the most talented sitter and your kid isn’t crazy about her, but a 3-year-old can ride that out and will survive.
Plenty of kids spend a night here and there with a sitter they are not head over heels with and survive. I don’t think you’re a jerk for not going, but I am concerned that you are not making your partner’s feelings more of a priority, and the health of your relationship and and not giving yourself a bit of a stress break.
I was very fussy about who I left my kid with but those concerns were they were bad drivers or heavy drinkers, not my kids did not warm to them. He likely said it’s ok and then started to fume over the disappointment and I don’t blame him.
Probably feel crappy to have envisioned breaking up the dullness and having a good time with you and then was really disappointed. Were I you I would apologize and tell him you are going to find a decent sitter and plan a date night. Maybe trade with another couple.
We had trouble finding good sitters so I get it and the caution, but you both deserve a break.” Mysterious_Bar_1069
