People Need To Vent About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Going Out For Tea Late With My Toddler?
“My (30F) husband (32M) apparently wanted to go out for tea tonight, but his sister was visiting and didn’t leave until 5.
We have a 3-year-old together who goes to bed at 7:30. When my SIL left, I suggested 5 different options for tea to my husband that I was going to cook. He rejected them all, stating he wanted to go somewhere that is an hour away for tea.
I told him we could next weekend but it’s just too late for our toddler to go now.
He got annoyed and put himself in the spare room that was made up for his sister. I made some tea for myself and our 3-year-old, did the bedtime routine, and then tried talking to my husband.
He wasn’t talking back, so I left him, did a quick tidy round, then went to bed. Then he started sending me angry messages. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I mean this in the most loving way possible, but I am so sick of seeing women going above and beyond for their man, then the man acts like an ungrateful teenager, and the woman then genuinely wonders what she did wrong.
It makes me feel like the bar is so low on our expectation of men in a family setting, that women can’t even begin to be upset when their partners are being inconsiderate or straight up pathetic. NTJ, goes without saying. Not you hosting his SIL and him not taking the time to plan around his own child and then getting mad at you for actually considering your child PLUS him by offering a perfectly fine alternative you’ll set up solely for his wishes.
I don’t know how to solve this behavior. The only hill I’ll die on is: you were being reasonable, he wasn’t, he’s a grown man that can deal with his own disappointment, you don’t need to carry that for him. I have this weird feeling he is jealous of your child, and wants to be treated like a baby himself because he wants the attention.
That’s my hot take though.” Just-Stranger7898
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re definitely not the jerk. He needs to grow up and learn how to communicate more effectively. I get it. Maybe he was just really excited to try something different or maybe you guys don’t get to go out very often because of your kid but at the end of the day, you were trying to prioritize your kid’s sleep and that comes before tea in my opinion lol.
I do wonder why he couldn’t just go on his own if he really wanted the tea that bad. Would you have been willing to stay home while he went out and came back?” Thatonesocialworker3
Another User Comments:
“So sorry that your 3yo’s father is incompetent in life.
But sounds like the 3yo has a strong, caring mom. If they wouldn’t make such unrealistic, selfish (not to mention harmful for their own kiddo’s routine) demands of their co-workers or friends, if they can hold down a job, then failures around the home are no accident.
Pushing their fair share of the domestic work on to a partner is intentional. And de-prioritizing HIS 3 YEAR OLD CHILD’s health on a good whim after being offered TEN dinner options that he didn’t even have to cook? If I flipped it and said a mom had behaved that way, there would be a riot in the streets.
If he’s sulking in the guest room, unless it would make you or your child unsafe, block his number and redecorate YOUR bedroom. He doesn’t deserve your time or space right now.” Formal_Elk7221
21. AITJ For Consistently Showering At The Same Time Despite Complaints?
“I (21F) am currently in undergrad, and our college requires all people below a certain age to live on-campus unless they have extenuating circumstances. I am also a high-functioning autistic, and I keep relatively the same routine almost every day.
This academic year, my roommate and I decided to change dorms due to several issues in our last dorm, and I also got a new job that allowed me to end my days consistently by 6 (On-campus position). As such, since the beginning of last semester, I have showered in the handicapped shower stall (I have fainted several times in the past, so it is safest for me to shower in that stall) every single day (save for the occasional weekend) from 6:30 to around 7-ish every single night.
When someone is in our big stall, I will typically just go back to my room and wait 20-30-ish minutes for them to finish, although that has only happened once or twice because most people on campus don’t return to the dorm until later in the afternoon.
This semester started nearly a month ago now, but I’ve had several experiences with one of the girls on my floor coming into the bathroom at this time, groaning really loudly when she realizes I’m showering, and then complaining (very loudly) that the big shower is always taken.
She’s gotten into a nasty habit of standing by the bathroom sinks and sort of loudly complaining to try and pressure me out of the shower faster. I know it’s a new semester and people are still finalizing their own schedules, so I’ve been letting it go, but she sort of lost it last night, and I want to know if I’m in the wrong here.
I went to shower at my usual time, and she came in not even ten minutes into my shower and started loudly grunting and sighing while cursing about people taking too long in the shower. I rush to finish up at this point, but then while I’m toweling off, she gets on the phone and is complaining/venting to someone about how annoying it is that the shower is always taken when she wants it.
We have 3 other stalls that work just fine, but they’re not as big and don’t have a shower seat. When I went to put on my deodorant, she let out a curse and stomped off while talking about people doing skincare in the bathroom (I presume she thought it was some sort of product I had opened).
I got a bit annoyed at this point and decided to be petty and took an extra few minutes also lotioning my skin (which I usually do in my room).
My friend said I was a petty jerk for showering at the same time still when it’s clearly disrupting someone else’s schedule and also specified that I should change my schedule so that the other girl could have the showers to herself.
I’ve tried this once already this semester, however, and she took 2 hours in the shower, which then threw off my own schedule by 2 hours. When I pointed that out to her, she said I was using my autism as an excuse to be a crappy person.
So, AITJ for showering at the same time every day?”
Another User Comments:
“The fact that you do it every day at the same time makes you firmly NTJ. She sounds like a clown saying the shower is “always” full. Yes, clown because you always try to use it during OP’s shower time.
She’s trying to stir trouble. There’s no valid reason for this behavior. I am also ND, so very biased, but doing a routine activity at the same time makes perfect sense. There are other showers she could use. Honestly, you might need to report her for bullying and discrimination due to your disabilities.
You are using 1 of 4 showers for a half hour at the same time every day. That’s not inconveniencing her or anyone else.” fancyandfab
Another User Comments:
“It is possible she has similar things going on like you where she’s autistic and has a routine to take a shower near the same time as you and also needs the big stall for safety, and you moving into the dorm disrupted that.
But like you have done when someone is in there, she can wait until you’re done. I doubt this is the only half an hour she has free in her schedule so she can find a different time instead of trying to pressure you into changing.
NTJ.” frozenoj
Another User Comments:
“Excuse me, but why does this other girl think she has more right to shower at 6:30 than you do? It’s first come, first served in university residence showers. Why on earth should you change your schedule to accommodate her? Why can’t the same thing be said to her?
You might want to talk with your resident assistant about the fact that you’re being harassed while in the shower, in a first-come-first-served public facility. (If you’re in a one-party consent state, you could even leave your phone on record and get a copy of her self-centered railing.) You’re doing nothing wrong.
You get to shower whenever you like. If someone else is in the shower at that time, you wait. If you’re in the shower at that time because you got there first, everyone else waits. NTJ.” Nester1953
20. AITJ For Not Buying An Item After The Seller Tried To Sell It To Another Buyer First?
“I found a posting on marketplace selling a really nice antique weaving loom for a crazy good price! I messaged the seller, asked a few questions. I told them directly, “I would like to purchase this immediately, when is the soonest I can come pick it up?”
We confirmed a date (2 days from when we spoke), time and price. Not once was it mentioned that there were any other interested parties!
On the day I was supposed to pick it up, I messaged the seller confirming I will be there at the agreed time.
Well, 1 hour before I’m supposed to leave, the seller responds to me saying there is another buyer coming to purchase before me, and they will let me know if it’s still available. Excuse me?
Needless to say, I responded with an “Ok” and resigned myself to the fact I wasn’t getting it.
And now that the seller messed me around, I don’t want it! I don’t trust when they claim it in working condition, I don’t trust when they claim they used it when they have none of the accessories? Now I’m thinking it may have been a stolen item or being sold without consent!
Seller then messages me late that day telling me “come and get it!” and I just don’t respond. They sent a few more messages like “you want it? Don’t you want it anymore?” I felt so disrespected and messed around by this person, I wasn’t going to respond to their begging me to buy their item now!
The whole interaction was odd and I just felt so off about it after that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think the expectation if you agreed to a date/time and price was that the item was ‘claimed’ for you. The seller was using bad strategies to line up multiple buyers so that she’d be guaranteed a sale – intentionally stringing multiple along.
The proper way to do this is to describe the item as ‘claimed’ by whomever is first in line, but make it clear to other interested parties that you as the seller will reach out if that sale falls through. It’s a PIA somewhat, and indeed buyers can be flaky AF, but that’s the nature of the business.
Ultimately, I don’t blame you for this causing you to question the honesty of the seller and to lose interest in the purchase.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you were every bit within your rights to back out, but they have likely dealt with no-shows which are rampant on social media marketplace.
Personally our development has an annual development-wide yard sale day, and after a couple of years of ‘holding items’ for people who said they were totally coming back, or had to get their car and so on … who never showed up again – I started selling to whomever had cash and wanted it right then.
(If they wanted to pay for it, then have me hold it, fine – I’ve done that.)” txa1265
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if a deposit wasn’t made, I wouldn’t be upset if the owner assumed that the first person to show up with cash, gets it.
Social media marketplace is a real disaster from an interaction perspective. I sold a car for a bargain price. I had literally put that amount of money into the car a month earlier. Guy agreed to the price, but when he showed up he still whined and bargained and then refused to buy the rims/snow tires (new) with the car forcing me to sell another item later at an inconvenience.
Half the buyers want ridiculous bargains and half the sellers are ripping people off.” anonanon-do-do-do
19. AITJ For Letting My 14-Year-Old Cousin Read Salem's Lot?
“My (20m) mom and aunt went out of town on a trip with their high school friends (they are twins, so they were in the same year at school).
They left me in charge of my cousin (14f), with two instructions: don’t let her play video games all day, and make sure she eats her veggies.
I followed these instructions. Then, she saw my copy of Salem’s Lot and asked if she could read it.
I didn’t think there’d be an issue, so I let her borrow the book.
When my mom and aunt returned, my aunt was angry and called me irresponsible. I told her I thought it would be fine, but she said it’s common sense that most parents don’t want their 14-year-olds to read such books.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Remind your aunt that you did exactly as she asked. You made sure your cousin didn’t play video games all day and you made sure she ate her veggies. You are not a parent, so she shouldn’t expect you to know what “most parents want or don’t want”.
I’m a mom who raised two kids. I also read Salem’s Lot when I was in Jr. High School and loved it! Both my kids have read it as well. Your aunt is overreacting. You did nothing wrong. Tell her to find another sitter next time, as she obviously doesn’t trust your judgement.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“Salem’s Lot is an underrated book. Carrie was published in 1974. I was 12. I asked for it for Christmas and my mother was just happy I was reading instead of staring at the “idiot box”. I will never forget Christmas 1974, I think I read it in 4 days.
My wife actually hid my Stephen King collection. I called her a snob and asked her if had ever even read anything by him and she admitted she hadn’t. So fair was fair and she agreed to read one of my choice. I picked The Stand.
She never spoke ill of him again. Point is, he’s an engaging author to read and they should be thankful she’s even reading. NTJ at all. If she liked it, boy are you going to be her favorite when she finds out how many more books there are.” hockeynoticehockey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I started reading Stephen King with Carrie or Salem’s Lot, one or the other in sixth grade. I mean, I admit now I have to go with true crime and I used to always have to get true crime books that had photos because none of it scared me people are always talking me into going to see horror movies, and I said a jump scare is not the same thing as being scared. The last thing I read that was scary was when I was doing a lot of gardening and I read the ruins.
Then I watched the movie and I had to leave. I mean literally leave my whole house go to sonic get a s’mores whatever it had really good graham cracker ice cream I mean I was turning into Joey Tribiani about that book and it’s not that scary it just was messing with my head, but I don’t really find Stephen King particularly frightening one of the scarier ones for me was Pet Sematary.” Professional-Bee9037
18. AITJ For Asking A New Gym Member To Use Headphones?
“The gym is my happy place, specifically the nice quiet sauna where I read (there is a sign up about refraining from phone calls/respecting the quiet time of others) and also the shower where I get peace and quiet away from my toddlers. Anyways, three days in a row now, this super sweet girl who just joined is BLASTING country music.
Obnoxiously loud. Singing along in the shower. Skipping songs in the middle which for some reason annoys me more.
The past two days, I waited patiently for her to finish and leave, but she also stays and does the same thing during her skin care routine in the mirror, it’s like a full 30 minutes.
So today I very politely asked her if she could bring headphones next time. She was nice but confused “do you not like the style of music/what about it is bothering you???” I let her know that the style of music wouldn’t matter; I just genuinely look forward to silence in the sauna/shower, and I let her know that I almost didn’t say anything for fear of being mean… but I’m practicing respectfully using my voice.
She hurried up and left, I feel like she’s gonna go home and cry hahaha. AITJ???”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, the gym is a shared space, not a honky-tonk bar. Blasting music in a designated quiet area and turning the shower into a personal karaoke stage?
Yeah, that’s a little much. You weren’t rude, you just reminded her that not everyone came to the gym for an unsolicited concert. Honestly, she’s lucky you were nice about it—I’ve seen people get way more aggressive over less. If she went home and cried, that’s on her, not you.
Hopefully, she shows up tomorrow with headphones and some self-awareness. Otherwise, I say start blasting whale sounds in retaliation.” AuthorAEM
Another User Comments:
“OMG the singing kills me because it is always loud and off-key. Even if I like the song, I don’t want to hear you sing it, this isn’t your personal bathroom, ugh.
Every gym I have been in has signs telling people to use earphones and to not use video in the locker room (just loved the surprise of coming out of the shower to a woman video chatting and I am without clothes in her background).
NTJ – this is a public space where folks are supposed to be respectful of each other. You were polite to her but she also never should have made it necessary for you to have to say something.” Jealous-Contract7426
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
Anyone who plays any type of sound through their phone without using headphones (phone calls, music, videos) is automatically a jerk and is rude as heck. Please bring this up with gym management and request they get signs put up throughout the gym requesting that people refrain from playing sounds out loud and reminding them to use headphones.
Whilst there are people who might ignore the signs, at least changing the gym’s policies may make the experience better for all involved.” majesticjewnicorn
17. AITJ For Not Letting Another Car Park Until I Put My Toddler In His Car Seat?
“I had taken my toddler out with me to run some errands. When we returned to the car, I noticed that the car next to us (Car A) was parked too closely for me to get my toddler into his car seat without significant difficulty.
This was not Car A’s driver’s fault; this parking lot has very narrow spaces, so it’s hard not to park too close to other cars. Fortunately, Car A seemed to be leaving, so I decided to wait until they pulled out of the spot before trying to load my toddler into the car.
It ended up being about 5 minutes before Car A left. At some point more than halfway through our wait, Car B pulled up and put their blinker on, indicating that they were going to take Car A’s spot.
Car A pulled out, and before Car B pulled in, I walked around to the side of the car and opened the door to put my toddler in his car seat.
Car B’s driver got mad, honked, flipped us off, and drove away to (presumably) find another spot.
AITJ for not letting Car B pull into the spot first? I get that it’s annoying having to wait but I would’ve ended up in the same dilemma of not having enough space had I let Car B in.”
Another User Comments:
“You already waited on Car A to leave. You also wanted to leave. Apparently, Car B wasn’t so invested in that spot that they could wait for you to secure child seat and child. Their choice, although they clearly felt like you and the rest of the world should prioritize their convenience.
Oh well, you didn’t. NTJ.” LeviathanLorb44
Another User Comments:
“Not for nothing, because I know it’s a pain in the butt and I do think you’re NTJ, but in similar situations I have just climbed in via the other side and put my kiddo in the car seat while huddled over them from inside the car.
It’s definitely more difficult, but my kid also isn’t stuck waiting for the first car to leave or any of that, and usually that’s worth it in terms of avoiding meltdowns from both my toddler and other drivers.” Pessimistic-Frog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he was willing to wait for the guy to leave but not the extra minute it takes to open a door set a child down clip in 1 or 2 seatbelts and close a door? They’re the jerk. If they couldn’t park while you did that, then obviously you couldn’t have done that after they parked.” shadowsog95
16. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Stop Complaining To Me About Her Problems?
“I (15) love my mom (f60). Just wanted to get that out there. But a lot of the conversations we have are centered around her negative experiences or complaints about other people. For example, “your dad is so reckless, insert terrible baseless thing about your dad blah blah blah” (my parents are separated).
I love my dad, so this is difficult to hear.
Another example is when she talks about her financial/job/interpersonal struggles. I do not have the emotional capacity to comfort her and provide her with solutions while still learning how to deal with my own emotional struggles.
But I understand that because she has very few (if any) close friendships, my sister and I are the only people she can really talk to about these things.
Recently, we had a huge argument over this, and I told her I would appreciate it if she didn’t talk to me about these things, especially her complaints about people I love.
She made it seem like I didn’t want to hear her talk about anything negative at all, and that I was ungrateful for all she does for me (paraphrasing). AITJ for telling her I don’t want to listen to her complain?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom needs a therapist. It is HIGHLY unfair and likely would not fare well for her legally if she continues to complain about your father to you. No matter if he’s good or crappy – it’s parental alienation. “Mom, I understand that you and Dad separated for a reason.
If he’s really as bad as you say he is, I’ll figure it out. Conversations about how he’s hurt you are better for your friends or therapist. Every time you say something bad about HIM, you’re saying something bad about ME.” I’m so sorry.” SunshineSeriesB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I feel you. When my parents got divorced, I was 17 (25 now) and after that my mom started badmouthing dad, how he was unfaithful to her years ago, how his mother favoured his brother’s family and always disliked her, etc. And yeah, I’m not defending being unfaithful, and I don’t always like my grandma either (she likes my sister more, my mom thinks it’s because I look like mom and my sister looks like dad), but it’s very tiring and burdening to hear all that stuff about your family.
We’re not therapists for our parents and they shouldn’t put such pressure on us.” Pure_Celebration1261
Another User Comments:
“All I can say is while my mother was alive, I felt drained at times for the same reasons but I changed my visits from just chats and dinner to going out for events.
At first, it was a struggle to get her out but the flower shows, markets local attractions all free in the area made conversations more positive and she began looking forward to the botanical gardens. Yes there could still be negative comments and complaints but it was reduced. Now that she is gone, I have better memories.
I will always miss my mom.” Chained-91
15. AITJ For Telling My Friend's Son About Her Cruel Behavior Towards My Granddaughter?
“My best friend’s son got married about 8 months ago. She had behaved very badly before the wedding. Nothing these two did satisfied her.
If they didn’t spend all of every holiday with her, she would throw a tantrum. Constantly told the bride-to-be that she wasn’t family….
until after the wedding. So any family time at holidays, birthdays and other events, she wasn’t really invited.
My friend professed to love her and was very excited about gaining a daughter.
Fast forward to the wedding. My SO, myself, and my young (8 and autistic) granddaughter attended the wedding.
Everything seemed to be going well. There were a large number of kids invited and they all behaved beautifully.
After the wedding, say a week later, my friend decided to tell me how horribly my granddaughter had behaved at the wedding. Was told the child had ruined the wedding.
I was in tears. (Understand the groom felt like my nephew and I loved the girl he married.)
I apologized to the couple at the very first opportunity and was met with stunned faces and silence. I was asked why I thought this, and I confessed, I broke and told them everything.
My friend says I’m a jerk for telling her son everything.
I found out recently she has been cruel to her new “daughter.” The kids are moving away and are expecting. She has no idea.
AITJ for not telling her they are leaving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend is not a nice person, with some serious control issues. Don’t tell her about her sons move, they are moving to get away from her and you will betray your “nephew”. Dump your friend, she treated you like crap and has an obvious issue with your autistic granddaughter.
Let me repeat, your “friend” is not a good person, find better ones.” M312345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your best friend wants to create strife between you & her son & his wife. She doesn’t want you to like them & used your granddaughter as an excuse.
I would not tell her anything about their move or pregnancy; that is their news. Does the son want to remain in contact with you? If so, keep their confidence.” Outrageous_Tea_8048
Another User Comments:
“Your friend is not your friend. She is not a good parent either.
She deliberately and cruelly let you believe your granddaughter behaved badly. A child with autism who may not be able to defend herself. She has been vile to her new DIL. Keep the counsel of your “nephew.” They are making a very wise decision to move as far from this toxicity as they can.
NTJ.” Individual_Metal_983
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My SO To Have More Custody Of His Son Right Now?
“I started seeing my partner 2 years ago. I became pregnant with our daughter after 13 mos. After finding out we were pregnant, we bought a new house with more space. Ironically, I got laid off around the time we moved. Luckily, I found a new job.
2 mos after I gave birth, my partner purchased the home next door for his mom. He sees it as an “investment opportunity” & MIL will be there to babysit when I am at work, which I am thankful for. However, I had concerns about our privacy & about the huge life adjustment that is his mother living directly next door.
I have recently returned to work, which has been hard as a first-time mom who is breastfeeding. I am the primary caregiver (my partner works in the medical field and isn’t home that much). My partner has addiction issues (booze). It has caused a huge strain on our relationship & on me.
He isn’t very reliable due to the booze.
My partner has a toddler son from a one-night stand. For the duration of the kid’s life, he has weekly visitations on Sundays for 6 hrs. Whenever we do have him, “MIL” is present 90% of the time. Which I have justified with the fact that she doesn’t get to see him otherwise.
“MIL” is all too willing to change his diapers, prepare his food, baths, play with him, etc.. My partner doesn’t do any true caretaking for the son—just plays with him. Birth mom filed a custody/child support case 15 mos ago, so the legalities of that have been unfolding simultaneously with the rest of the chaos.
The court hearing is finally happening this month. I was shocked to find out that my partner is trying for 50/50 custody with everything going on and with how little he has been involved thus far. It seems like my partner only wants 50/50 to “one-up” the birth mom because of the addiction tactic she used. He has no DUIs or legal issues so she wouldn’t be able to prove that he is unfit.
That said, it seems like he would have a fair shot at 50/50. I have expressed to him that I cannot take another huge life change in this short period of time & that I need time to adjust to a new job, being a new mom, having MIL move in next door, & we need to get his heavy drinking under control.
He has agreed to go to therapy for the drinking so hopefully we are taking steps towards his sobriety. However, I feel that until he does that, & until we can fix our fractured relationship, adding another kid into the mix is just going to exacerbate the issues we have.
In summary, AITJ for not wanting custody of his son? I would be more open to it down the road, but right now, I am at my wit’s end. I don’t want to care for someone else’s kid whenever he hasn’t been making me feel like it’s worth it.
If he were being a better partner to me, I could justify it more. I really think we need to fix our relationship first, after all, that is what is supposed to remain whenever the kids are grown and out of the house.
I do care about the son.
I just feel like now is not the time to be asking for more custody, & it seems really inconsiderate to continue to add things to my plate when I have vocalized that I am overwhelmed.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You knew there were things going on before you got pregnant: the custody battle for the toddler and his heavy drinking, but you never confronted them; instead, it seems as if you have only passed judgment and blame on spouse and the toddler, and have chosen to simply not deal with his heavy drinking.
I am a person in recovery. You need to deal with his heavy drinking – and that means get yourself into some sort of therapy and/or support group – or his heavy drinking is going to deal with you. You are too passive about this.
I know your plate is full, but you HAVE to communicate. You cannot ostrich your way through a pregnancy, breastfeeding baby, unreliable heavy-drinker partner who makes huge choices with little regard for anyone, new employment, a woefully neglected toddler who is just a pawn to two very selfish people, and a too-close-for-your-comfort MIL.
Your SO is a jerk in this equation because he also has a very large failure to communicate. He is making BIG, LIFE-ALTERING decisions without your input and consent, is neglecting BOTH of his children and is using one as a pawn, and is generally unreliable as he acts selfishly with no thought to the future, completely awash in booze.
The toddler: you say that you care, but…are you ready to be a full-time parent to two young children with an active addict who already neglects you and the family that you have? Are you ready, able and willing to put YOURSELF and YOUR CHILD – never mind the toddler – through the trauma of heavy drinking?
I’m an addict and a child affected by heavy drinking within the family, and it caused a lot of trauma and played a hand in my own issues with addiction. MIL seems like the only sane person in this story and the only one who cares about the welfare of the children.
OP, again, ESH.” DatsunTigger
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Using custody as a tool to harm an ex is terrible, not supporting a partner’s needs is terrible, not getting privacy to grow into motherhood is terrible, and having a child with a man who has substance abuse issues and doesn’t care for an already existing child is terrible.
Not getting to spend meaningful time with the paternal side of your family because you are considered a burden by your stepmom is terrible. You have a lot to work through. Your situation is tough. It’s your partner’s responsibility to get his drinking under control and parent his children but when you became that kid’s stepmom, you became beholden to his well-being, so his needs should be a factor in your decision making.
You seem to be finding out a lot of things after the fact; reflect on that and how you either need to adjust your communication style or your relationship status to make sure the failure to be on the same page doesn’t negatively affect the kids.” brigiliz
13. AITJ For Refusing To Adjust Our Custody Schedule To Accommodate My Ex's Work Travel?
“My ex-husband and I share custody of our five kids (ages 8–16) on a week on/week off schedule, as per our divorce decree. This arrangement has worked well, especially since I started my own massage therapy business last year. However, my ex frequently demands to switch to a two weeks on/two weeks off schedule because he needs to travel out of state for work.
He says it’s too expensive to travel every weekend. To clarify, it’s not a requirement for him to travel two weeks at a time, he’s allowed to travel every other week, it just costs him more to travel four times a month instead of two.
For context, his income is four times mine. I make about $30k a year, and he pays $730 a month in child support and $550 in spousal support, though the spousal support will end in 1.5 years. However, I use the spousal support on the kids anyway to help cover their expenses.
Finding and paying for last-minute childcare adds up quickly. I already work fewer hours on the weeks I have the kids, but I can’t make up for it by working more hours on my off weeks, my body simply can’t handle it. So every time he changes the plan, it disrupts my client’s schedule and forces me to either reschedule appointments (potentially losing clients) or find (and pay for) last-minute childcare.
I’ve told him I need consistency for both my business and the kids, but he argues I should be more flexible because his job is demanding.
On top of that, the kids don’t like the two weeks on/two weeks off arrangement. They are struggling as is with the week on/week off.
They prefer to be with me, but there’s nothing I can do about that. The two oldest begged to start therapy because of the stress their father causes them, so I got them into therapy. Now the third oldest is begging to start therapy too.
I worry that the constant changes are detrimental to their mental health and overall stability. He doesn’t believe in mental health and doesn’t want them in therapy, but I digress.
I finally put my foot down and told him I won’t keep adjusting the schedule.
Now he’s calling me selfish and says I’m not considering how hard he works to provide for the kids.
I feel like I’m just protecting my business and the kids’ mental health and stability.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Just say no. His job is not more demanding or important than yours.
You need your job to survive and properly care for your children. He is responsible for childcare needs on his weeks, like you are. Just say no. If he wants to change the schedule, he needs to go back to court. No judge is going to force you to incur additional costs and/or lose your income to accommodate his changing schedule.
He CAN travel every other week, he just wants YOU to take the hit instead of himself. Yeah, no.” BoudiccasJustice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell him you are not, going forward, amenable to change parenting time short of an actual emergency. And do yourself a favor, don’t listen to the raging people below egging you to “take him to court, make the kids talk to the judge”.
You don’t need to capitulate to his will here, but you also don’t need to drag your kids into a court battle (especially teenagers) intentionally. If he files, he files. Otherwise, don’t make threats, don’t file anything, and do NOT ask your kids what they want (this is seen by many judges as an alienation tactic, I’m in family law and will bite you in the rear).
Simply state your position and move on, don’t respond to repeated attempts. It’s a business transaction, he asked, you said no. That’s a full sentence.” Senior_Parking6305
Another User Comments:
“It seems like there are several issues here and while I don’t think you are necessarily wrong, I’m not convinced that you might not be able to be more flexible.
Your wording is a little imprecise but it sounds like he wants to switch the schedule in general, whereas you are implying that he is springing on you proposed schedule changes. If there were a change, it certainly should be well ahead of time. However, it really isn’t clear how a change from alternating one week to alternating two weeks would affect your business.
If that’s the case from a financial standpoint, he doesn’t sound unreasonable. Of course that’s a financial benefit just to him. If you were more or less okay with it the change from all other aspects then, yes, it would be nice of you to switch it.
If you don’t want to switch it that’s fine, but perhaps if he shared to savings with you it would be more enticing. On the other hand, I wonder if that travel expense is figured into the support calculation. Of course, the most important question is how it affects the kids.
If what you are saying about the kids’ preferences is correct, then it shouldn’t change. On the other hand, there is a tendency for parents to express their own desires as those of their kids so a third party should always be skeptical of those kinds of claims.” draw2discard2
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hear About My Grandma's Abusive Relationship?
“My grandma F63 has been with Jeff M57 for 10 years. During this time, he went to prison for 2 years and they’ve left each other dozens of times. Every time they break up she just tells me she is waiting for him to die so she can get his house.
(He has really bad health problems.) She constantly complains about how bad he is to her, how he threatens her, how he’s crazy and the list just goes on and on.
Then, when they are back together she all of a sudden is crying about his health, worried because he doesn’t take his medication, and says things like “we have had our ups and downs but Jeff has always made sure I was okay,” or “he’s been good to me.”
After years of the back and forth, I really have no desire to hear anything about this man. I don’t care if he’s a good guy or bad guy; I just don’t wanna hear about it. Now they are on their most recent breakup, and I’m just trying to have a conversation with my grandma and tell her I’m coming to see her.
She ignores that and just goes on to complain about Jeff and how she had to block him because of his threats.
I just straight up told her I didn’t care and would rather talk about anything else because everybody knows in a month it’s gonna be “Jeff’s always been good to me.”
She says that really hurt her feelings because she just wants to vent. But at what point do I draw the line with this stupid venting? Do I just listen and agree with her every time because she’s my grandma? I don’t know if I’m the jerk.
What do y’all think?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s in an abusive relationship. There is only so much you can take and you’ve hit your limit. When she says this, your future response should be, “I didn’t realize you were in such an abusive relationship.
Would you like me to take you to the police station so we can file a restraining order against him?” When she says no, respond with something like “oh so he’s not abusing you and he’s safe and loving? If that’s the case, why did you leave him?” When she starts talking about how horrible he is…repeat the abuse comment and offer a restraining order.
Eventually, she will get tired of the circling of the conversation. OR you can take the approach of calling adult protective services for her and have him charged with elder abuse.” Wandering_aimlessly9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think it would be wise to tell your grandma something like, “I love you, grandma, and I want to spend time with you, but I don’t want to talk about him when I’m with you.
Let’s talk about _______,” and then come prepared with ideas for conversation (bonus points if you ask about things she enjoys, or her childhood/youth/happier memories, almost anything about her past, etc…). If she starts up again about her partner, it’s ok to gently redirect the conversation.
Don’t be rude, but you don’t need to capitulate either. Also, off topic, but I came here to tell you that we should be more tolerant of repeat topics for the elderly because their minds are often slipping and they might not even remember that they’ve talked about this before, might be experiencing the beginnings of dementia, etc…. but I was picturing my 90 year old grandma, not someone under retirement age like your grandma lol.
She’s young enough that she can adjust. I hope it goes well!” LateBloomingADHD
Another User Comments:
“Are you the only family she has? If not, I would be talking to them about this to help you with her. It’s hard being in an abusive relationship and they don’t know how to get out so they do and say different things depending on what’s going on that day.
You’re not the jerk but you may be the only person she has to speak to about this. Abuse is the worst thing in the world to deal with. It may just be time to draw the line with her but if you have other family, sit down and talk to them about what to do next.
She’s already going through a lot and losing the only person she has to talk to about it is going to be even worse for her unfortunately. I’m sorry and I hope it works out for you and her.” Jewelrymaker2023
11. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out At 18 Due To Overwhelming House Responsibilities?
“I (15M turning 16 in a few months) have been dealing with everything around my house since I was 9 or 10, my parents never take care of anything they have to if I have the capability of doing it.
Just about the entire house’s laundry, I do it. Taking care of my siblings (12F and 6M) 5 days a week, I do that too. Dinner and dishes, most of the time when they’re out, that’s my problem. Litterbox and cleaning up my siblings’ messes, me again.
I’ve gotten tired of it.
Now, on top of all that, they want me to get a job, which on top of all they have me do around the house and with chores is too much for me. School’s been too stressful with all this extra work.
I’ve been thinking about leaving for a few years, but I don’t want to actually do it. My sister will probably have to take on some of those responsibilities. I do already have a place to go and a plan for my future, but I really don’t know if I’d be morally in the right for leaving.
So, WIBTJ if I move out at 18?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You will be a legal adult at that time. You’re entitled to make decisions about your own future. Right now, you’re the one who has to clean up after your siblings and their messes.
Your moving out will force your sister, and your brother after her, to learn the life and domestic skills that you have mastered. You will no longer be an unwilling accomplice to this hole in what they need to know for their lives as young adults.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ — That kind of parentification of a child should be deemed abuse/neglect. They’re the parents, and it’s their duty. I get your worries for your siblings. It will no doubt fall on your sister. But you can’t use that to justify staying in a toxic situation until your sister is old enough to move out because then you’ll be guilted into staying until your brother is old enough and by that time you’ll be nearly 30.
There’s no situation in which you’ll not feel guilty over the choice you make and that sucks. But also keep in mind that you won’t be any use to anyone if you stick around and get so burnt out that you end up having a nervous breakdown.
Question: How close is the place where you live to your parents? Is it close enough that you could take your siblings for a few days every so often so that they could have the opportunity to be children and not have the responsibilities your parents put on them?
Also, do you have any other family (blood or chosen) whom you could use as a support system? Also, you really need to report your parents for neglect. Talk to trusted adults. I don’t know of any state that doesn’t require school employees (especially teachers, counselors, social workers, resource officers, and administrators), as well as healthcare professionals and members of law enforcement, to be mandated reporters.” Jdawn82
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know when completing HS will happen versus turning 18. Often, you can move to a friend’s house or family member’s house before you turn 18 and the police won’t bother you. Get your diploma!!! However, let’s be smart. If you are moving out at 18, have something lined up.
Getting your HS diploma is important. After that, there is the military, which gives you food, training, and a roof over your head; there are also unions or trades apprenticeship programs in which, beyond your diploma, will supply on-the-job training and offer terrific benefits and good pay.
The military provides educational benefits once you leave; it also provides you with a found family as a rule. You have some time. Think about what you want to do, make a plan, and make it happen. I once had a teacher who said I built castles in the air, then set about constructing foundations for them.
Go build some castles!” 2dogslife
10. AITJ For Not Picking Up My Friend From The Hospital When He Had Other Options?
“I (21F) was taking a nap yesterday when one of my riding friends (23M) called me. He told me he had gotten into a motorcycle accident and was en route to the hospital but needed someone to take him home afterward.
I asked him if he was okay, and he told me he was fine for the most part; he was just a little bruised up and maybe concussed, but nothing terrible.
He told me he had no one else to get him, I was the only person, so I agreed. The issue was that I’m 1.) sick, I have been for a couple of weeks now, but I’m mostly just exhausted and coughing right now and 2.) He decided to go to a hospital that was about 20 minutes away from me and him because it was nicer, over the hospital that was far closer.
I’m very broke right now, I’m working two jobs, I rarely get to do anything fun, and I have less than a tank of gas that I can use that I need to make work until next Friday when I get paid again, but he told me I was the only one he had so I decided “forget it, I’m not abandoning my friend at the hospital, I’ll figure it out.”
Well, then I checked the group chat for our friends on Instagram, and AFTER our phone call, he texted the group telling everyone what had happened. One lady in our group (definitely the mom of the group) started asking what hospital he was at so she could visit him/pick him up, and he automatically said I had it.
I realized he didn’t even bother asking anyone else to pick him up before he asked me, and that there were other people willing to pick him up who were also more able, so I sent this exact message, word for word, to the group chat:
“If someone else could get him I’d def appreciate it, but if not I can get him if need be.”
Two other people basically jumped on it, but he was kinda weird and hostile towards me over it, and acting like I last minute cancelled on picking him up when he had no one else.
I also wanna note that he wound up refusing treatment because he didn’t want to wait anymore and had a pizza party at his house. He’s kinda giving me the silent treatment now, and I’m wondering if maybe I was a jerk for not just picking him up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He could’ve just messaged the group chat. And it’s not like you REFUSED to pick him up, you just said that if someone else was available, you’d appreciate it. Let him know you were sick, maybe? And that you truly DO care, but didn’t want to show up to a hospital sick, and then spend 20 minutes in close quarters with him while you coughed everywhere.
Don’t bring up gas – bringing up money has a way of making people pick apart your finances when they’re angry with you, even if they keep it to themselves.” Strange_Occasion9722
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let it go for the moment. He’s been in an accident and may not be thinking right, so there’s a little grace there in the whole did-he-ask-others-before-you.
You’re entirely clear in asking if someone else could get him, and letting someone else do it, even without the very good reasons you have for not doing it. Now, if, once he’s out and clear-headed again, he gives you any kind of nonsense about passing on picking him up, you explain your reasons, you remind him he told you no one else could do it when he hadn’t even asked them, and then you tell him that he’s out of line.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“OP, it’s great to be there for your friends, but if it puts you in a dire situation, then the right answer is either no or give another option: You have no money, so tell him you can pick him up with a taxi/uber that he will have to pay.
The point is for him not to be alone, I imagine? The doctors probably told him he had to be taken home by someone. …. Wait, I just read the part where he refused treatment because the waiting was too long? Then why did he need someone to pick him up?
He clearly only wanted a free ride. There are no other valid reason here. OP, he is taking advantage of you and your friends. You need to learn to say no.” Ambroisie_Cy
9. AITJ For Taking More Breaks Due To My Mental Health Issues?
“I struggle with trauma and mental health issues, including ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD, which affect my work.
I communicate openly with my boss and coworkers about my challenges. I have a shorter schedule and take breaks to manage overwhelm.
In December, I flipped my schedule with a coworker to cover understaffing, but I’ve missed only 2 days due to illness, while she has missed a lot more.
Recently, two coworkers from another department confronted me about my breaks and claimed I’m not a team player. I feel I work hard within my limits and prioritize my mental health over the unrealistic expectations of others who push themselves too hard.
I don’t understand why my choices affect them.
I focus on doing my job and going home, but some think I’m selfish. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO. The way this is worded, if your boss is fine with you, then you’re officially fine. But “I feel I work hard within my limits”, and 2 coworkers being frustrated with you could mean they’re willing to work through breaks and want you to also (their choice, you’re not at fault) or it could mean as soon as things get busy, you need a break, hand off challenging things to others, and sit down or do “backroom” work while others handle the messy stuff. Sorry for the need to question you, but I’ve seen “I have anxiety” and “I value my mental health” mean ‘I disappear when the going gets rough’ too often.
Your boss won’t notice or is too scared of a lawsuit to protest, but your coworkers will. Sure, you don’t have to consider your coworkers, it’s very “in” to say you owe them nothing; phoning it in is what ‘the man’ deserves. But if this is you and you work like you’re on an island, don’t be surprised when others spread the word and leave you alone on that island.” 1angryravenclaw
Another User Comments:
“There are multiple factors at play that make this more complex than you might think. First, your coworkers aren’t your friends, but they are part of a team, and if your attendance affects them, they’re going to be rightly annoyed. Second, you signed up for a job with particular expectations, and you should be living up to them, regardless of whatever issues you have.
You picked the job; it didn’t pick you. However, your boss seems to be okay with accommodating them. Third, the coworkers you’re describing don’t work in your department, so I’m failing to see how your attendance impacts them, unless they’re expected to pick up your slack.
Or maybe they think it’s unfair that you get so many more breaks than they do. See how nuanced things can get? Office politics are real. Ultimately, it’s your boss’s behavior that sways my opinion here. If they’re cool with accommodating you, then no, you’re NTJ.
But keep in mind, if your coworkers continue to make a stink, they could eventually influence the situation.” Saberune
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. You changed your schedule to cover understaffing, which means you’re there to close a gap in need. If you are not filling that gap, then you are failing your coworkers.
You are a team and everyone is responsible for finishing the work together. When you don’t do your part, that responsibility is left to them. You are making them cover for you when you are supposed to be taking the burden off them. Then you turn around and diss them for “pushing themselves too hard” which they only have to do because you aren’t pushing yourself hard enough?
Definitely the jerk here.” AndromedaRulerOfMen
8. AITJ For Criticizing My Partner's Friend's Business Plan That Exploits Indigenous Communities?
“I recently sold a business I had previously been working very hard on for the majority of my (F43) adult life. I’ve been seeing this guy, and he asked if I’d meet for dinner with a friend of his who is looking to start a business himself and wanted my insight and perhaps also wanted to propose a partnership.
Like my previous endeavor, his would involve dealings primarily in Mexico. Apparently, he has built some sort of brand in the U.S. and wants to pivot it to start selling mezcal, a spirit made in different parts of Mexico but primarily in the (very poor and widely indigenous) state of Oaxaca.
Without getting into specifics regarding sourcing, fair trade concerns, import fees, etc., his basic business model was to hire, for lack of a better word, fixers, to take him deep into Mexican states such as Oaxaca and Guerrero, find a small producer (or several) that are willing to devote a large part of their production to him, import with the proper fees and labels, and resell in the US with fancy branding at a hopefully very profitable markup.
Now, this is not a particularly novel idea. It’s the same basic business model celebs such as George Clooney (Casamigos), Michael Jordan (Cincoro), The Rock (Teremana), Kendall Jenner (818), and Bryan Cranston (Dos Hombres) have enacted to varying degrees of success.
Here’s the issue. When it comes to mezcal especially, the very best of it is still made in small, often very poor indigenous communities.
In many communities, mezcal production, until recently, had been a means to provide the spirit for communal celebrations, and some was sold to secure some money for the community at large. Recently, though, given the explosion in popularity and recognition of mezcal, hordes of opportunists, mostly white, mostly from the U.S., and, increasingly, subsidiaries of giant conglomerates have descended upon Mexico with the same goal in mind: source a large batch of relatively cheap mezcal and dump it on the American market at inflated prices.
The obvious problem here is that poor, indigenous communities get low-balled for their intensive labor and the profits their product created NEVER make it back to their land, despite the promises of their new business partners.
I told as much to this guy and demanded he show me how he planned to make his proposed business equitable, to which, no surprise, he had no answer.
Needless to say, the rest of the dinner was awkward and now my partner is livid, claiming I could have been less combative and that I shouldn’t have injected politics so quickly into the conversation. AITJ? Could I have submitted more nuance into the conversation?”
Another User Comments:
“Leaning towards NTJ because the purpose of the dinner was to obtain your insight with a view to partnering. There weren’t many ways this could have gone. He tells you what the idea is, you tell him you’re not interested, and his obvious question is ‘Why not?’, so it doesn’t make much difference whether you infodumped without giving him the chance, or led him to the question that was going to get asked regardless when you turned him down.
Maybe you were tactless tonally. Could that be what your partner was annoyed about? You spent more time telling us the details of mezcal production than you did relaying the verbatim details of the conversation, so I don’t know. Either way, I think being tactless and rude would be less of a crime than exploiting people from less privileged communities, so that doesn’t matter much in the long run.
The only question is whether your relationship can survive this.” foozledaa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were invited to share your business acumen and possibly form a partnership. Part of business acumen is understanding when a proposal is a bad idea. If this dude were smart, he would have realized that you were providing him with a differentiator for his product to stand out in a crowded field.
People will often pay more if they know the Indigenous harvesters are getting a larger share of the profits. For example, when I buy booze, I get Tito’s because they donate to support both dogs and humans. Does he think that not having answers to simple questions like yours is going to help him get some VC or other funding?
The questioning always gets harder when you’re out of your friend circle. By the way, if your current partner thinks paying people fairly for their work is “political,” I’d be having second thoughts about him.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You spoke the truth, a truth he needed to hear.
While “politics” (though I wish basic human decency weren’t a “political” issue) and ethics are obviously relevant, from a very basic business perspective, you asked some very important questions and brought up good points. Points he apparently didn’t consider and should hear if he’s going to drop a lot of money and effort and time on a new business.
Granted, there are ways of approaching these things nicely and oftentimes delivery method can make a big difference, but from what you’ve given here, I don’t think you did anything wrong.” catathymia
7. AITJ For Wanting To Go To Trade School Instead Of College?
“I’m almost 16 and have a burning passion for fixing stuff, whether it be mountain bikes, dirt bikes, or cars.
I just love to work on them. I’ve learned to weld a bit and am working on getting better. My mom expects me to go to college because she says “you won’t be able to live the life me and your dad do” (they’re divorced).
They say this because they have really nice jobs that pay them well and they do enjoy them enough.
Recently, my mom and I were driving when she brought up what college I want to go to and I told her I want to go to trade school.
She went on and told me that you need a degree to get a job that pays well. When I told her I wanted to be some sort of mechanic, she said, “you will have to do that till the day you retire and won’t get to live like me and your dad.” I told her I don’t care and would rather have a job I love than a job I don’t enjoy just to get paid.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but y’all tell me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trade school is a completely valid option and, in many cases, depending on the trade, can pay even more than other jobs. There is nothing wrong with trade school and ultimately, it’s your life, not your mother’s to live for you.
I can understand some concerns from a parent with a child going off into the world for the first time, but the reality is nothing stops them from changing plans later and even with college just because you get a degree in one field doesn’t mean that’s the field you end up in all the time.
If it doesn’t work out then you can always go back to school later or take learned practical skills into other jobs as well. I would begin pulling info from a few trade schools that might be of interest and perhaps even talk to someone at the school with your mother present and maybe they can address some of her concerns.
I think that would show your interest in committing to a trade but could also show that you are listening to her concerns even if you may disagree with them. What is your father’s opinion on the matter if you know?” Lurus01
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your mother is thinking about only one path to success and you are thinking more about what you enjoy. You can combine both objectives by going to a good community college trade school. You will finish with an AA degree that you can build on later if you decide you want to pursue a BA and at the same time, acquire a skill that will allow you to be self-supporting much earlier than most people your own age.
The other thing is that the more you learn about the mechanics of “fixing things”, you’re likely to realize how much more there is to know than just fixing what is broken and appreciate engineering that goes into making things. One thing that might help get your mother on your side would be to talk about financing your college career.
Are she and your father in a position to pay for a full four years at a good school? If she’s thinking you can take out student loans and live the life your parents have, she’s living in a fantasy. On the other hand, if you have a trade and decide to go step up to using more automation or eventually go into engineering, you’ll be debt free while earning a good salary.” 5115E
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but give her some time. I am the parent in a situation like this. Education was my way out of poverty, and I had a difficult time getting over my anxiety about my oldest not wanting to go to college. Child went to trade school, started making decent enough money at only 19.
They have a clear idea of what it will take to move beyond hourly wages in the future. I will say that what they had not anticipated is that a lot of trades have mandatory overtime. They were working a physical job 50+ hours a week, and that’s hard to transition to at age 19 after having more free time in high school.
My child is taking some time off work to do some community college that will enhance their career in the trades. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Your mom might relax over time. You can also help by showing your awareness of your trade can continue to be financially secure beyond just a decent hourly rate.
For example, you could show her the path from welding to becoming a welding inspector. Or show how mechanics can help you decide whether to go back to school in the future for mechanical engineering or materials engineering. What I mean is, she’ll be less moved by “I don’t like school as much as I like this” and will be more moved by “here is a sample 5 and then 10-year plan to make this a viable and lucrative career over time.”” tinyahjumma
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Wife To Pursue Medical School At This Stage Of Our Lives?
“I (M44) do not want my wife (F46) to get to medical school. We are in Canada. We are established in each of our careers with two young kids (f3 and b7). We own our home.
I am already the primary caregiver in our house.
I do all of the cooking and cleaning and making the lunches for the kids. My wife is good at organizing trips, finances, and appointments. She has some sort of undiagnosed ADD or something that she’s currently getting checked out.
My point is that she can find it difficult to give her attention to me or the kids when she gets hyper-focused on something.
An example of this might be planning a vacation; she’ll just look at her phone or be on the computer until it’s done without interacting with us for days on end.
If she got into med school, we would be moved across the country. With my job, I would be starting over as a substitute teacher and leaving my continuous contract at a school that I really like.
Not sure how my pension would work or be delayed. I’m worried about moving the kids and having them start over and then having to move again when she goes into residency. I worry that when she’s in med school, she’ll hyper-focus on it, which she’ll need to do and have no time for us.
I worry that as she’s starting so late financially, it doesn’t even make sense. I worry about the strain on our relationship. I have communicated all these worries to her.
It has always been her dream to be a doctor, though! I knew this before; I just didn’t think that she was at the point that she would pursue it again at this late stage in our lives.
I want to support her in pursuing her dreams, but I really, really don’t want to move across the country and then again after that. She says that financially, it does make sense if she works until the age of 71 or 72. She said that she will make time for us.
She argues that it’s important for the kids to see someone pursue their dreams. Valid points.
AITJ for not supporting her during the interview process and encouraging her to get into medical school?”
Another User Comments:
“This isn’t really a jerk question, but speaking as a doctor’s husband, your concerns are valid.
Regardless of her potential ADD issues, given the workload on med students and residents, your kids aren’t going to see much of her for the next six to ten years. Pay for family doctors in Canada is not great compared to the tuition, so if she doesn’t get into one of the more lucrative specialties, paying off that debt within her remaining working life seems iffy.” Snurgisdr
Another User Comments:
“Has she applied and been accepted yet? How does she plan to pay for med school? If she has been accepted, then I’d suggest a separation or divorce. If she is ‘forced’ to stay, she’ll resent you and the kids, if she leaves to pursue her dreams, then she can fund that on her own and you and the kids should not have to take on that debt.
If she hasn’t yet applied/been accepted, then I’d suggest a therapist or some kind of mediator to help you guys discuss this and voice your concerns in a neutral environment. NTJ.” TeacherWithOpinions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m a doctor, and I’m now in my forties with kids your age.
I frankly can’t even imagine going through the challenges of medical school and residency at your wife’s age, let alone with small children at home! Medical training is all-consuming in a way that no job – even a demanding one like nursing – can really prepare you for.
You are literally learning a new language, a new science, and a new art, all while tackling some of the most difficult moral and ethical issues you’ll ever encounter. There will be countless sleepless nights studying for tests, missed school recitals because of long call nights in residency, weekends given up to the hospital when you and the kids want to just get away for a few days.
Becoming a doctor takes a kind of dedication that few in their middle years with established families are willing (or able) to sacrifice, and this is why almost everyone does it in their twenties. And this is not to mention the sheer physical demands of the training – I don’t think I could handle the sheer amount of sleep deprivation and rapid rote memorization as a 40-something that was required of me as a 20-something medical trainee.
Why hasn’t your wife considered the much easier pathway of becoming an NP? She can still gain a lot more medical knowledge and decision-making authority without needing to start over from square one?” _m0ridin_
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner For One Saturday A Month For Date Night?
“I 46F have been seeing my partner 44M for 10 months. He says he loves me and spends most nights here. However, he works a very demanding job Monday-Saturday, so most nights he just showers and eats dinner and goes to bed. I take care of all the cooking and cleaning.
Our scheduled date night is Friday. However, since he has to work the next day many weeks he is too tired to go out or if he rallies, he makes it clear he isn’t into it.
Saturday nights and all day Sunday, he has his daughter and almost always manages to take her somewhere fun and comes home late.
Things came to a head this week when he cancelled our NYE plans due to being “sick.” However, he was able to run errands for HOURS for friends. He also still kept our plans to take my 3 kids and his daughter to indoor go-karts and laser tag.
But then is again sick today.
This situation prompted me to ask if I could have 1 Saturday per month for date night, and his daughter still has the other 3. I asked this so we can actually go out on a date he enjoys and doesn’t have to work the next day.
He not only refused but also called me selfish for asking to take time from his daughter and stormed out in a fit of rage. He refuses to make any compromise other than offering some vacation days to be spent with me. I don’t think this is enough because it’s not a consistent change.
I feel he is selfish for not caring about my feelings and ever feeling the need to have normal date nights. I also think his behavior showed a lack of maturity. I don’t believe he loves me like he claims if he can’t compromise. He thinks I’m selfish to ask for time from his child even once a month despite the fact that anytime we do anything, it’s time away from my girls.
I don’t want to end our relationship, but I’m feeling undervalued. Please let me know what you think.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. To be honest I was conflicted a little but after weighing it, I think you’re more in the wrong here. Here’s why: 1.
You knew his work schedule and his custody schedule when you started seeing him. And you CHOSE to go out with him, so this conflict of time will come with the territory. 2. You have your kids 90% of the time while he gets his only on the weekend.
To ask him to give up one of his days with his children is mean and selfish. How would you like it if he asked you to give up a week with your children? Each day of the weekends he gets is like a week for you, perhaps.
Think about what you are asking of him. Plus, he takes your kids places and has fun with them. Kids will always come first. Learn that. 3. While he can try and find a day that would work better, he is trying. For you, he tries to rally the energy on date nights and he tries to have time, but he is too tired to go out, so why not stay in and watch a movie together or eat a romantic dinner at home?
You both have kids and commitments. You guys need to work around that. And don’t ask a parent to give up one of their days with their kids! That’s just wrong.” Disneylover-4837
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting more out of the relationship.
I certainly don’t begrudge the man for wanting to spend time with his daughter, and I personally wouldn’t have asked for him to spend more time with me by way of spending less time with her. It seems you just want more from a relationship than he’s willing to give you, especially if you have made it clear what you need and he’s not made any effort to change.
Right now, you are essentially his maid, cooking for him, cleaning for him and giving him a place to sleep during the week and he can’t even organize a low-key date once a month to make you happy…I don’t want to be unkind, but he’s showing you what he thinks of you.
Another User Comments:
“LADY!!! C’mon! You are worth SO much more than minus the bare minimum of nothing – that’s what you’re getting here. Minus nothing. If this is real and not rage-bait, then please get some therapy and discover why you’re willing to be treated this way and make sure it never happens again. There’s worse things than being alone.” Express-Pea6532
4. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Parents More Money For Their Mortgage?
“I (18F) work for my dad and get paid really well for my age. I’ve been working for him for a year, saving most of my income in an account they don’t have access to while keeping a little for daily expenses. My relationship with my parents is rocky because their marriage is toxic, and my sibling (10M) and I are often caught in the crossfire of their unresolved issues.
I live with them, but I’m planning to move out and take my sibling with me when I can.
Recently, things had been calm between us, so I thought maybe I could trust them more. They’ve always said my money is mine, so I didn’t see this coming.
Last night, they asked to see how much was in my savings account. When I showed them, they grabbed my phone and ignored my questions about what they were doing. I overheard them transferring $990 (the daily limit) into their loan account without my permission. When I got upset, my dad laughed and told me to transfer another $990 the next day.
They didn’t explain why they were taking the money or ask for my help beforehand.
This morning, my mom admitted it was for their mortgage. I told her they could have asked me instead of taking it without permission. She said, “Your money is our money, and you’re getting the house when we die, so what’s the problem?” That really hurt because I’ve worked hard for my savings to secure my future and help my sibling, and now it feels like all my work is pointless.
I refused to give them more money, which led to a screaming match with my mom. She accused me of being selfish and ungrateful since they’ve provided for me my whole life. I do feel grateful, but I also feel like they’ve crossed a line by taking my money without asking and then demanding more.
I understand they’re under financial stress, but I feel like they’re treating me like an ATM instead of their daughter. I’m questioning whether I should just give in to keep the peace, though it feels wrong.
Why I might be the jerk: I refused to give them more money for their mortgage, even though I live under their roof, and they’ve supported me in the past. Maybe I’m being selfish by prioritizing my savings instead of helping them during a tough time.
Am I in the wrong for saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I really despise it when parents use the whole “I raised you and did everything, blah blah blah.” line. Yes, thank you. You can appreciate it and maybe do something back for them, but you don’t have to because they raised you.
They signed up for the responsibility of having a child, so it’s their JOB to feed, shelter, and provide for you. You can be grateful, but that doesn’t mean you have to be their cash cow because they did so much. Saying that “you’ll be getting the house when we die” is straight toxic manipulation.
For example, if you don’t do this, you’ll get nothing when they die, and it’s your fault. No. It’s their’s. They are the adults and know better, but they wanna go back to the old fashion. “I’m big, you’re small; I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m right, you’re wrong.” And take your hard-earned money they swore that was solely yours.
They have damaged your trust so much to the point that you had to let the bank know not to let them STEAL it. They will probably say “family helps family,” but here’s the real question. Why does family not mean anything when it’s hurting you?
Classic manipulation. My version goes, “family helps family. If you are here to hurt, you aren’t family. Fix yourself or get out.”” Xytheboi
Another User Comments:
““Since they’ve provided for me my whole life.” This mindset from parents makes me so incredibly angry. Like, yeah, you actively chose to have children.
Literally, your ONE job is to provide for them. They didn’t ask to be born, you made that decision and when you make that decision, you face the consequences of it, aka providing for them financially for as long as you need to. Not just until they turn 18.
They are your child from the moment you brought them into this world to the moment they leave it. You don’t get to weaponize your decision and your responsibilities against the child when it’s convenient for you. NTJ.” Fearless-Whereas-854
Another User Comments:
“Well, look what their pride got them now.
The world now knows your parents forcefully stole from you. That they are willing to financially abuse you because they somehow mismanaged their money and need you to pay for their mortgage. Is your father’s business really that stable? Did they mortgage the house to fund the business?
There’s a lot going on here and they are hiding something. You’re an adult and they should be honest with you instead of building resentment for what they did. If you’ll eventually get the house as they say, tell them you want to see the paperwork of how much they owe and add you to the deed if you’re paying the mortgage now.
If they are that behind in payments that they need to steal your money, they will probably lose the house or sell it just before and you’ll have nothing left but an empty bank account. They will not pay you back from the sale either.
Try to have a reasonable conversation with them. But as others have said, look for a new job just in case. NTJ.” Better-Turnover2783
3. AITJ For Questioning My Partner's Parenting Abilities Based On Their Lack Of Commitment To Our Puppies?
“We got puppies. I love them but they are a lot. Very busy bees and it’s been a minute since I’ve done the puppy thing and never two together its been an adjustment.
We discussed beforehand, and I had very specific conditions, namely regular walks, and we had to commit to training so they’d be well adjusted and we could travel with them easily.
My partner was very on board, so we adopted towards the end of last year and started puppy classes within a week. Our initial puppy course was 6 weeks long and by week 4, they were miffed about going and “sacrificing” their Saturday mornings. By the last week, they were glad it was “finally” over, I took over doing the homework with both pups by week 4 because it irritated them.
The pups weren’t picking things up fast enough for them so I thought it would be better for the pups for me to take over. They did 1 walk and complained because the puppy was weaving around and not walking at heel properly so I’ve taken over those as well, we have started basic obedience now and I’m training both.
There are a lot of other examples should anyone want more info but essentially my partner is now broody and wants a baby. WIBTJ if I pointed out they couldn’t make it through a 6-week puppy class course, how on earth would they manage a baby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are correct and also, in my experience, they won’t behave for them if they don’t put any work into training. If they know that your partner will get exasperated and give up, they will run roughshod over them while being perfect angels for you.
And the same goes for kids. Lots of “but she’s better for you” and “but you’re better at changing diapers” and “he just wanted mom/dad” in your future with this partner.” FaithlessnessFlat514
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your trial run with the pups has shown you exactly how your partner handles stress and responsibility.
As someone with both well-behaved dogs and human teenage children, I can 100% confirm that kids are 1000x more work than puppies (they can’t even fkn toilet themselves for the first 3 years or so, for goodness sake). And that responsibility lasts (at minimum) 18 years. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you seriously consider having a child with this person.
They couldn’t handle 6 weeks of puppy class, plus follow-up and basic care thereafter; how in the world are they going to manage 6-12 months of nighttime feedings, short sleep, 3-4 years of changing diapers, doing extra laundry, never sleeping in again, etc… Make sure you end up with the pups when you leave, or they’re liable not to be properly cared for.” Ippus_21
Another User Comments:
“Meh – I’ve raised 2 babies and 3 puppies. I will take the babies over the puppies any day! The last puppy we raised was in 2019, it was a massive shock to the system and has converted me to older rescues for life. However, in this situation, both myself and my husband were committed to both, and no one flaked out.
The puppies were way more intensive but it was for a lot less time, babies aren’t quite as intense and slot into life a little more easily but it’s essentially an 18 year commitment of appointments, meetings, drop offs, pick ups and sacrificing your evenings and weekends with no get out because a lot of it has legal repercussions.
Personally, I wouldn’t point out that your partner shouldn’t be responsible for a pebble, let alone a living being, but I would be considering my future with them if this is how they deal with something that is solely reliant on them for its survival.” Famous_Account272
2. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Partner's Quest To Invent A New Color?
“I (F24) have been in a relationship with my partner (M29) for 3 years, and while he’s always been a bit wacky I usually find it kind of endearing.
This time, however, he’s really outdone himself. A few weeks ago, he told me he had a “groundbreaking” idea that would “change humanity forever.” Entertaining him, I asked what it was. His answer? He wants to invent a new color.
Before we go any further, it’s important to note we are both college graduates.
I graduated in Biochemistry last year and my partner in Philosophy a few years before, which makes this all the wilder I guess.
I tried to gently point out that colors exist as part of the visible spectrum of light, so unless he was about to discover some new wavelength, this might not be possible.
But he waved me off, calling me “close-minded” and saying he was “enlightened in a way you’ll never be.”
At first, I just nodded and let him ramble about his “vision.” But then he told me he needed funding to start his “research.” Specifically, he wanted me to give him $4,000 so he could buy “supplies,” including “advanced art tools,” a lab coat (because apparently, scientists wear them, so it would make him “feel smarter”), and—wait for it—a trip to the desert because he thinks the “pure sunlight” there will inspire him.
I told him absolutely not. I’m saving for grad school, and even if I weren’t, I’m not dropping thousands of dollars on his… whatever this is. He got mad, saying I didn’t believe in him or his “potential to revolutionize human perception.” He even accused me of being jealous that he had a “world-changing idea” and I didn’t.
It got really heated and he ended up saying a lot of things about using my card as he knew the details anyway. For reference, he’s been unemployed for a while now, whilst I’ve got a regular job. I ended up saying some things I do regret, but a lot of it was retaliation.
Now he’s sulking and telling everyone I’m “unsupportive” and “afraid of innovation.” His friends are backing him up, saying I should be encouraging his creativity instead of “crushing his dreams.” AITJ for refusing to fund his quest to invent a new color?”
Another User Comments:
“Not all colors exist as part of the electromagnetic spectrum. Some are only perceived. Pink is a perfect example. There is no wavelength of pink, it is a trick our brains play on us. Additionally, new colors are invented and patented all the time. In this case, it isn’t the “color” per se, but really the pigment used to bring that color into reality for artists.
There’s a reason why “Vanta Black” is worth millions and why Yves Klein is a household name for artists. There is a massive market for creating new “colors” for artists. It doesn’t make you a jerk for not supporting him. I’m just pointing out your entire premise of “the idea itself is impossible unless you make a new wavelength” is wrong.” Alone-Air1786
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a crazy situation. A new color? Like, what? The fact that his friends are backing him up is even weirder. It sounds like he needs help, not funding. It’s good you’re thinking about his mental health, but don’t feel obligated to fix him or give him money.
He needs professional help, and you need to protect yourself, especially financially. The card thing is a big deal, so be careful.” HoneyStreamm
Another User Comments:
“I can understand how alarming this can be! I am married to a wonderful man, whom I have been with for 26 years.
He has bipolar disorder. This sounds very familiar to me. Your partner is certainly at the right age where the first major manic episode might manifest. It sounds like mania to me. Please get any shared assets safe and where he cannot access them. If you are lucky, he will cycle out of this quickly and you can talk to him about seeing a professional. He is very unlikely to see one while manic or to even think anything you are saying sounds reasonable.
Protect yourself financially as best you can. Stay firm in not giving him money. Be prepared because mania is often directly followed by depression and he will need immediate help. If you have any questions or just want to talk, please feel free to reach out to me!” CoffeeFerret
1. AITJ For Not Attending My Co-Worker's Birthday Party Uninvited?
“I (24F) work at a high school with my co-workers Carrie (29F), Leslie (26F) and Marissa (30F). All of us get along well, we eat lunch together every day and go out for drinks to destress from work lol. Leslie and Marissa are a lot closer to Carrie than I am, for context.
Two weeks ago, Carrie made a group chat with our co-workers for her 29th birthday party, but I wasn’t included. I didn’t know until Leslie asked me what present I was buying for Carrie. When I told Leslie that I didn’t know about the party, she asked me if I was arguing with Carrie.
Honestly, I wasn’t mad about not being invited. Carrie and I aren’t that close and she can choose whoever she wants as her birthday guests. Leslie told me the date and place of Carrie’s party but I didn’t plan to go because I don’t want to be rude and come uninvited.
Last Saturday was Carrie’s birthday. I sent her a happy birthday message and hope that she enjoys her day. Carrie said thank you and we had a small conversation about her plans. I didn’t get an invite from her, so I decided to stay home.
On Sunday, I got some text messages from Marissa that went like this:
Marissa: “Hey why didn’t you go to Carrie’s bday party last night?”
Me: “Oh I’m not in her group chat so I thought that I wasn’t invited.”
Marissa: “Didn’t Leslie tell you where it was?
You could’ve shown up…”
Me: “Yeah but Carrie didn’t invite me, I don’t want to be rude by coming without her knowing.”
Marissa: “But still we’re coworker besties… you should’ve asked Carrie if you could go.”
Me: “If Carrie wanted me at her bday she would have told me.
We talked yesterday morning.” (convo ended there)
Today’s now Friday (5 days since then), and the three of them completely avoid me. We used to eat lunch together in the staff lounge, but now they eat in Carrie’s classroom. And whenever I pass one of them during morning duty, they just stare and ignore me.
The past few days were really rough and I’ve cried during my lunches because they were my support system since I started teaching. I genuinely thought we were friends but now I’m just rethinking everything.
AITJ for not going?”
Another User Comments:
“Babes, girl I am so sorry.
Why are our teachers, who are supposed to be examples, acting cliquey? You did the absolute right thing. I don’t care who told me when and where if I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t invited. PERIOD, it sounds to me that there’s an awful lot of backstabbing two facing gossiping going on.
I know they were your support, but I think you need better friends. And if you can manage it, don’t let them see you’re upset.” curiously_anna
Another User Comments:
“Are you sure they work at the school with you and aren’t high school students themselves?
Because this is some mean girl, high school behavior. It is possible there was a misunderstanding and you missed Carrie’s party but she had ample opportunity to include you but she did not (which is fine) so there’s no reason for you to have assumed you’d go to her dinner.
Maybe some people would just show up but I’m with you, I don’t operate that way in life and that could have put you in just as awkward of a situation. Marissa is also wrong, asking someone to invite you to their party is not a good look.
Your best bet at this point is to speak to Carrie privately and simply explain that you apologize if she was hurt by your not attending and if there was a misunderstanding on your part. If she did expect you to go, just gently explain you didn’t realize that since she or the other girls didn’t explicitly invite you so you were just respecting her time and then offer to do something fun to make it up to her.
Don’t make it a huge thing because you didn’t do anything wrong but just clear the air between the two of you. The other two girls need to butt out and grow up, to be blunt. It feels like they’re being catty and that’s really unbecoming on 20/30 something women.
NTJ.” SeaThePointe0714
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing! If I’m not specifically invited to an event or function, then I DO NOT GO. That is how the normal, regular world works. Some people may crash parties, but I have never been that person (and apparently that isn’t you either).
There is some weird vibe going on here. Those women are not your friends. Do your job, and keep your nose clean. And watch your back! Maybe this is just “mean girl” stuff, but they could have other motives behind all of this. Just be careful.
Do your job the best that you can, then leave work at work.” Spiritual_Cry3316
