People Wonder "Am I The Jerk?" In These Tall Tales
17. AITJ For Refusing To Return A Christmas Gift From Grandma?
“I (19F) have a cousin who’s one year younger than me. Her mom and my dad are siblings and very close, and we’re both only children so we were raised practically like sisters.
So, our Nana would always make us come on different days before Christmas to make us open our presents from her. Maybe to make sure we never saw each other’s stuff as we opened them. But later I would go to my cousin’s house and see her with all of these nice, wonderful gifts and get confused and upset.
My stuff was never that nice or expensive. After a few years, I began to realize that I was getting the second-best stuff.
If my cousin got Nike shoes for Christmas, I would get $10 shoes from a local store. If she got a new camera, I would get a disposable one.
My clothes wouldn’t be name brand like hers. She would even get more than me sometimes. I tried really hard not to let it bother me, but it was hard not to get jealous when I saw her stuff constantly.
Last year, I got into an argument with my Nana and blew up on her. I accused her of favoritism and demanded we not get Christmas presents this year from her. We were old enough not to need presents and I always felt like she got mine more out of obligation than a joy.
She denied it strongly but said she would ‘try harder if I felt like that.’ I agreed to another Christmas with her.
A week ago, I went to my grandma’s house by myself, a day before my cousin. Most of my gifts were lackluster, but I appreciated the thought and effort she put in because it was closer to what I liked than usual. One of my gifts though made me feel great.
A pair of round-cut diamond earrings. They were gorgeous and made of 10K yellow gold. Obviously very pricey. I’d never been given something so expensive before (when I looked them up later, I found them to be over $400.) I immediately thanked her for my earrings.
I was smiling the whole time and so was Nana. It felt like she finally understood what I had felt and was making up for years of treating me differently.
The next day, however, she called and said I needed to bring one of my presents back.
My cousin’s earrings and mine had been swapped because she mislabeled our presents and she hadn’t realized I had the wrong ones. I was suspicious and I texted my cousin and asked for a picture of my actual gift.
Cubic Zirconia.
They looked sort of similar with the shape and the color. Furious, I refused to return the earrings. They had been labeled with my name and I was so happy to have them. My grandma should’ve pointed it out to me before I left with them.
I said these would make up for all the favoritism over the years.
Even now, a week later and close to Christmas, my grandma is hounding me about them. She’s called me selfish and greedy and told me I ruined my cousin’s Christmas.
Even my cousin won’t speak to me because I stole her ‘diamonds’ and refuses to acknowledge that she always got better stuff. AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but give them back. They will never bring you anything but pain and go NC with grandma.
She had made her choice and now you both can live with it as opposed to just you. Question – what does your parent say about all this?” deco9676
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I would give them back with the parting shot that she was dead to me, and lose my number… It’s a simple solution really, she obviously only values your cousin so your cousin can be her grandkid… honestly, I would go so far as boxing up everything she’s ever given you (that you still have), and telling her you don’t want or need anything from her ever.
Full and Stop!! NTJ.” Independent-Wave-449
Another User Comments:
“I’d do the opposite. I’d keep them just to spite the cousin and grandma. Knowing grandma messed up and stuck the golden child with fakes? Karma. I’d wear them to every family event and make grandma look like a huge jerk.
Proclaim to a room full of people how much you loved the gift she gave to you and how happy and seen you felt. I’m really petty and would be the drama about this. Full production. Act stupid and ask why she needs them back and what’s the difference?
Oh, cuz ‘I’ was supposed to get the cheap ones? Well, that sucks cuz I’m not giving them back lol.
But of course, it’s much easier to just keep them and never see grandma again. You’d still have to pry them out of my cold dead fingers before I returned them.” Wizzardaniu
Another User Comments:
“I gave a longtime close friend a nice pair of silver and gemstone earrings as a 40th bday gift. I had moved away, but I wanted to get her something special. I had them shipped to her house.
I never heard anything from her, so I finally called her. She said she got them, but that she didn’t love them. I was a little shocked by that response but told her I wanted her to have something she loved to remind her of our friendship.
I told her to pick out something else and she could exchange them, but she said she couldn’t find anything she liked better in the catalog so I just said sorry and hung up.
The next day, thinking back on our conversation, I had a weird feeling so I checked FB marketplace.
Sure enough, she was selling them. I know she didn’t need the moolah, so I just took that as a huge slap in the face. I replied SOLD to her post, then didn’t answer my phone when she immediately tried to call me.
Eventually, I talked to her, expressed to her how she hurt me and sent her a check to buy the earrings from her with a paid postage envelope for her to put them in. She sent me the earrings, withdrew the check and that was the end of a 20-year friendship.
The earrings are lovely, I wear them all the time. Hope she bought something nice with that amount.
Keep the earrings OP. Wear them and enjoy them. Ditch the grandma instead.” Sleeplesshelley
16. AITJ For Yelling At My Partner That My Career Is Important To Me?
“I (28f) have a partner (30m) who I have been together with long-distance for 2 years now.
For the last 3 years, I have busted my butt to get a job in my field. I completed university as second in my class.
My field is highly competitive. I worked at an entry-level position for 2.5 years and as of a month ago, I have landed an amazing opportunity in my field. It is fantastic income (85k/year plus 15% bonus) work from home, fantastic hours, and my team are full of people who are very on par with my personality and skillset.
To me, all of these factors make it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
My partner is on disability and lives at home with his parents, brother, and sister. The other night, he was furious with me because I told him again that I do not want to move across the country.
He said that if I want to make this work, I will need to give up my new job and dedicate more time to him. He wants me to do a bunch of things that are not feasible with my work schedule and the fact that he stays awake all night gaming, then sleeps all day.
I asked him ‘if you don’t work, why can’t you move here and I can support us on my wage?’ He said he won’t move because he needs his support system. I yelled at him that my career is something I am proud of and I do not want to throw this job away to move in with a bunch of people I don’t know.
I also told him that 4 years of university and 3 years of busting my butt to get where I am is more important than someone who is not willing to consider my wants/needs. He then told me that ‘working as an accountant is not a hard job and anyone can do it.
Maybe you should have gone to school for something a bit more specialized where there aren’t 100 people applying to the same job.’ After this, he has stopped talking to me. His parents and siblings have been messaging me, calling me a jerk for not putting my relationship before my career.
I own my own 3 bedroom house, I just paid off my car and I am nearly done with my student loans (another 2 months and they will be at 0!).
Am I the jerk because I feel like I could have handled this better?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – rethink your relationship, because if he really were to move to you what would that mean for you?
Would he still be gaming every night while you bust your behind at your job, working on your career?
Who would be responsible for the household?
Would you ever be more than the live-in maid/ATM?
Especially when he shows you even now that he doesn’t respect you and your accomplishments?
Why exactly does his family think it’s ok to ask you to leave everything behind?
And more than that how do you feel about his family berating you for an issue that’s between the two of you?” drakkya
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let me repeat: you are not the jerk for being a successful adult.
Dropping an $85k work from home job to cater to the whims of some self-absorbed child? There is no b****y way. You would have been a complete idiot to fall for that thing.
Block them all and consider it a bullet dodged. Find someone who gives you the same respect you give them.
You’re an impressive, capable woman who has her life together. You bring a lot to the mingling table.” LeoSolaris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ lol being an accountant I’m pretty sure you can do the math on this relationship.
Your partner is probably dumb enough that he doesn’t have any real idea of what the job of being an accountant entails and instead thinks it’s like being a human Excel sheet.
But even that’s the case no need to coddle the feelings of a person who so clearly dismisses an accomplishment important to you just because they’re too stupid to understand how much of an accomplishment it is.” throwaway_cay
Another User Comments:
“This relationship would never work. You would end up resenting him and you may end up stuck there with no family or anyone you know. You are just at different stages in life and do not have the same goals.
You are right, there is absolutely no reason he can’t be the one to move. He needs his support system but you don’t? He sounds very selfish and immature and he obviously can’t even support you if you did move out there.
He doesn’t seem to care at all about your dreams or goals. Why on Earth are you with this person?” Rockandahardplace69
Good on her for seeing the light before doing something stupid.
15. AITJ For Replacing The Stones In My Grandma's Ring?
“My grandma passed away ten years ago, and when her estate was settled, I ended up with her wedding ring.
She didn’t leave it to me specifically, but that’s the way things turned out. It fits me, but I was already married at the time of her passing.
When I got the ring, that was the first time I’d ever seen it.
I was close with grandma but never knew her to wear any jewelry. She must have worn it a lot at some point though because the center stone and one of the side stones had fallen out. It made me sad to see it that way, and my first thought at the time was to save and buy new stones for it so it could look new again.
My husband said I shouldn’t because since I already have a wedding ring, this one isn’t really mine to keep or wear. One of our future kids might want to use it as a wedding ring and pick out their own stones.
The ring sat in my drawer for ten years and just recently I decided to go for it anyway. We do have kids now, but there’s no telling if they’ll ever get married, or if they’ll want to use this ring when they do.
They never even met my grandma, so why would they? It’d be more appealing to them with the stones in it anyway. So I had it restored. The stones are fairly small compared to modern rings, so the price wasn’t a dealbreaker for our family.
It was on par with any other gift I might have picked up for myself at Christmas.
My husband is annoyed and says I’m selfish for choosing to enjoy the ring myself instead of saving it for others. But it’s a ring, not a pie.
It’ll still be around in 20 years if one of the kids wants it when they get engaged. I can’t believe I have to ask, but is there any way he’s right and I’m the jerk here?
Edit: Thank you for the reassurance and perspective you’ve all offered. A couple of questions keep coming up
1) How did I pay for the stones?
From a joint account. We don’t have individual accounts. The amount was small though. It’s Christmas and I always spend roughly this amount on my gift.
2) Is the ring nicer/more expensive than my engagement ring from my husband?
No. My grandparents were rural farmers and had neither the money nor any practical use for extravagant things. Big diamonds weren’t in fashion back then. Its value is almost entirely sentimental which leads to my above point: replacing the stones wasn’t expensive.
They were small and affordable
3) Are you wearing it instead of your own wedding ring?
I still wear my wedding ring and plan to wear this one on my right hand. I haven’t worn it at all yet since it isn’t Christmas for a few more days.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why exactly is your husband inserting himself so much into this decision of yours? Doesn’t he want you to enjoy your grandma’s ring? Can you wear it on your other ring finger that isn’t on your wedding ring hand?
You say you didn’t spend an outrageous amount anymore than you normally would for a present for yourself, so what exactly is his issue here BESIDES being annoying, controlling, and immature about YOUR decision about YOUR ring? You could wear it on a chain around your neck to feel closer to your grandma if you don’t want to wear it on your hand.
It would also serve as a replacement ring if ever your wedding ring is getting cleaned or repaired for any reason.
To me, he just seems like he’s being a grinch unless you can provide some other reasonable reason as to why he was opposed to you restoring and wearing your grandma’s ring.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a suggestion regarding the ring problem in general. Is there any chance that if your kids would like a ring that was passed down by the family, you could pass along the ring your husband gave you and use your grandmother’s ring to wear in place of it when you’re older?
You personally knew your grandmother, your kids did not. I could see your children asking for your ring before asking for the ring from your grandmother.
Also, did he ever meet or know your grandmother while she was alive? If not, or if he didn’t have a good relationship with her, then he doesn’t really get any say in how you choose to manage the ring in her memory.” PrvyWest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a ring. Its purpose is to be worn. It’s also yours.
A giant sore spot of mine is family members feeling entitled to an inheritance.
What you do with your stuff is up to you.
Do you want to replace the stones? Replace the stones. In 20 years, want to give it to one of your kids? Give it to your kid. Set it aside for one kid and change your mind? What kid doesn’t have room to complain.
Worst case scenario, if you do decide to give it away in 20 years, it’s not like your kid can’t just, say, replace the stones themselves.” WhatWhoWhynow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not like you had the original stones removed or the ring melted down and remade into something else, the memory is still there and the ring was restored. If I passed away and a family member had something of mine that was falling apart I would be pleased if they cared about it enough to restore it rather than throw it away or keep it in a drawer to only use once in a decade.
As long as your grandmother didn’t express any instructions to not make any changes to the ring, you’re not a jerk. I could maybe see a b***d relative of your grandmother maybe being upset (albeit irrationally) but your husband really has no place in telling you what to do.
Your kids can always change the stones if it’s that big a deal.” ebrum2010
Same answer to your husband, it was Grandma's and you want to make it beautiful again
14. AITJ For Blocking My Family?
“My wife has not felt well recently. She had a miscarriage about six months ago, and it has messed with her female health.
She’s been extremely anemic and depressed.
She’s taking a break from work and has to try to recover properly. Her doctor had told her she should take it easy.
It’s no problem at home. We got a housekeeper who helps us every two weeks.
My wife normally does a lot of holiday cooking but hasn’t felt up for it.
I have noticed my mom and sister talking trash about my wife after Thanksgiving.
Saying she looks unhealthy. I told my mom my wife wouldn’t be cooking for Christmas either.
My mom said that many women go through miscarriages, and my wife needs to******* up. It’s been six months. My mom said my wife’s problems are all mental, and I’m enabling her.
I told my mom to eff off, and if she feels that way, she can forget being in our lives.
I canceled Christmas and told my wife I wanted to take it easy.
My mom starts texting my wife, cussing her up and down. At that point, I block every single family member on my side on everything.
I have had it with their unwanted advice on everything right now.
I’m trying to focus on my family, and everyone seems to have a say in everything, and no one is helpful. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is being horrible, and she’s not the kind of person you should want around your family.
She clearly doesn’t like your wife, doesn’t think your wife deserves even empathy for a devastating life event and health issue. Even if she doesn’t understand the medical situation, she should still see her daughter-in-law traumatized and depressed, and want to support you both.
Your mom’s comments about the problems being mental show she doesn’t believe mental health conditions exist or that mental health is a valid and important part of people’s health. Obviously, depression and trauma are not things that can’t just be wished away or gotten over easily, and anyone who thinks they can is either ignorant, willfully ignorant, or too stupid to comprehend medical facts.
Telling a grieving person to just******* up is ridiculous, and hypocritical bc I imagine when anyone in your mother’s life dies, she’ll be expecting compassion and support from others that she’s unwilling to extend now.
Right now the most important thing is the health of your family, and anything that threatens it should be ignored and eliminated. You don’t want your wife to hear more of what your mom’s saying and internalize all that negative stuff blaming herself.
That way leads to long-term depression, spiraling into bad decisions, and even ******* if she begins to believe she’s a complete failure. So, keep your mom blocked, tell anyone reaching out to harangue you that you are focusing on the health of your family and are not in a place to continue engaging in discussions that detract from that goal. Then block them if they continue to complain about your wife or how you treated your mom.
Eventually, only ppl who support your family will be talking with you, and you can always make new friends in the future who might be better suited to that lifelong compassionate connection that a family should bring.” Lumoseyne
13. AITJ For Telling My Ex That He's Not Allowed In The Delivery Room?
“I (30f) am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my soon-to-be ex-husband’s (31m) daughter. She will be my first child but it turns out she won’t be his first child. He’s been carrying on an affair that started several years ago during my residency in internal medicine and cardiology.
His excuse was I was working long hours and not emotionally available so I ‘drove’ him to it. I found out about the affair because the woman with their child came to our home 2 months ago demanding I release him from our financially abusive and loveless marriage.
I guess you could say I ambushed him because I called him and told him he needed to come home. When he did and he saw her I knew based upon his reaction he had been lying. So I kicked him and all his stuff out of the house.
In my book, I granted his wish. He has asked for another shot that we go to marriage counseling but he has had years to come clean and didn’t so I am unwilling to attempt reconciliation.
He’s been calling and leaving messages at home, my cellphone, as well as the hospital where I work asking if he could be with me when I go into labor.
I’ve told him in no uncertain terms will he be allowed in or anywhere near my birthing room. I want people in there that I trust and he isn’t one of them. He’s been guilt-tripping me by saying he has a right to see his child be born.
That his fault is separate from our daughter, and it is but I don’t want the added stress of him being present.
His family and he all think I’m the jerk and already alienating him from his child. My family and most friends support me, however, there are a few who think I’m being a jerk here.
Maybe I am because of the hurt he has caused me.
Edit: for those worrying about alimony, we have a prenup in place, which by him being unfaithful, he is in full violation of. He is therefore not entitled to any alimony.
He is on his own a mechanical engineer and though he doesn’t make nearly as much as I do as a cardiologist, he can more than afford to take care of himself financially without my help.
Edit: we do not live in the US for those wondering.
I graduated secondary (or HS) at 16, completed uni (or college) at 20, finished medical school at 24, and completed my residency at 28. My country does not require doctors to enter fellowship programs.
Edit: let me make this perfectly clear as it has continuously come up.
I will NOT under any circumstances keep him from having a relationship with his daughter. I am completely agreeable to share custody, and him seeing her after she has been born.”
Another User Comments:
“As the mother, I would reevaluate their right to meet the child.
How vile that they are telling her that she is wrong for not wanting a dude who fooled her and had a child with another woman in there. It’s hard enough with just lying. Having a child with someone else adds another layer–especially when the other woman shows up to your home to tell you.
I almost had a nervous breakdown not meeting the other woman, and with him not having a child with someone else. You are a queen for handling this as well as you are.
The “sperm donor” here is untrustworthy by a million miles.
You can’t trust him in any way, shape or form. Birth is all about trust and protection. Women are at their most vulnerable when giving birth. You will never be more vulnerable in your life. There have been stories on Reddit about insane untrustworthy people barging in on births and making it so the mother locked up, couldn’t push, and so she had to have a c-section.
A c-section is MAJOR MAJOR surgery. It’s hard enough to nurse and take care of a newborn without a c-section. With it, it adds an entirely new layer of difficulty.” sisterfunkhaus
Another User Comments:
“Seconded. And in all seriousness, he has no ‘rights’ when it comes to seeing the child born.
You as the mother/pusher outer of the baby are one million percent the priority in that delivery room and he can go swing.
I’m 38 weeks and my best friend and mum will be there with me rather than a partner, though for very different reasons than you.
Everyone needs to focus on supporting YOU as best they can and not even give him any more time and energy that he clearly doesn’t deserve” KittyKes
Another User Comments:
“Exactly this! He has no rights. Not his body.
And beyond this, he is making it about himself. It is always about his wants. The affair was about his wants. The birth is about his wants.
It doesn’t matter that OP will be stressed out having a lying narcissist in the room which will have a negative effect on the birth and delivery but will also be stressful on the baby too.” tattoovamp
Another User Comments:
“He knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m guessing because they were married he feels like he has some right to be there. He thinks he’s entitled to be in the room when the person who (rightfully) hates him the most is about to go through one of the most physically and emotionally taxing experiences the body will ever know.
He’s hoping the heightened emotions of the event will allow him to manipulate the experience to “win” his wife back.” kgirl21
Another User Comments:
“It’s a pretty typical/standard lie men tell to their mistresses. They talk smack about their SO and say horrible things to get the mistress to feel bad for them.
She will give into him and be more willing to have intercourse and prop up his ego if she feels sorry for him. She will also be more willing to “wait” for him to break up with his wife he feeds her lots of BS for a while.
That way, the guy can continue to get side-fun, while having no intention of breaking it off with their wives. Most men have no clue that the problem comes when the mistress decides to go to the wife and lay it all out.
It seems to happen more times than not. The men are only thinking with their little head, and have no idea their mistress is planning to reveal everything. I guess these women are emotionally invested or not really willing to insist on better treatment from men.
I am sure that it is this way with some lying women too, but so far on Reddit, after many many years, I have only heard stories about this with men telling the lies. It’s so sad that the mistresses fall for its hook line and sinker too.
I feel bad for the women being so gullible and falling for it. Bless their hearts.
Let’s not forget that these men pretty much always try to get back with their wives afterward. They also tell their wives lies, trickle the truth and blame the wives to get them to feel bad.
It’s gross. OP should be proud that she saw through his BS. I would be telling the mistress that he tried to trash her and get back with me for sure. The mistress will still probably take him back, but the dude doesn’t want the mistress.
On occasion, yes. But, typically not.” sisterfunkhaus
12. AITJ For Putting Extra Salt In My Sister-In-Law's Food?
“I (F34) have a sister-in-law (F25), let’s call her H. She’s been together with my brother J (M32) for three years now. We were born in Europe but originally from the Middle East. H is born and raised in Europe.
Our religion and part of our culture are different from hers but we didn’t mind cause she’s a nice girl and we are open-minded. She really tries her best to please my brother in every way. She’s learning Arabic, asking about the culture, and lately, she started looking up recipes from our country too.
My brother is very happy with everything she does and if he’s happy then we are too.
Last week they came to visit our whole family for lunch. Our family is pretty big with many cousins, kids, brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents.
Most of them were there. H made a meal which is really popular in the country we’re originally from. Everyone was amazed by it. She left it in the kitchen with all of the other dishes for later. Well, to be fair I’ve been cooking since I was 14 years old and I’m a pretty good cook too.
I was interested in how her food tasted so I tried it. It wasn’t bad but I thought maybe I could fix it up with a little salt and spices.
When we served the food for lunch, everyone complimented H about the dish and how well she’s done it.
Here is where I might be the jerk. I told front of everyone that I fixed the food up with some salt and spices. J got very angry and started to argue with me in front of everyone. He told me there’s was nothing wrong with H’s meal and I shouldn’t be disrespectful.
But I believe in constructive criticism and I was trying to help her learn. After they left, I saw H crying in the car. My family told me I was a jerk and embarrassed our guest. I feel pretty bad.
AITJ?
Edit: Okay, so I see everyone thinks I am the jerk but just to clear things up, I didn’t say it in a bad way. I told her ‘I tried it myself and for the first try it tasted really good but I thought it could use some salt and spices so I put some more if you don’t mind.
Next time it’ll be even better.’ And I didn’t want to steal the spotlight, I just wanted to be honest.
Edit 2: I apologized the next day and I told her it’s a misunderstanding but my brother can’t let this go.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Seriously dude.
‘Constructive criticism’ would be talking to her IN PRIVATE and making suggestions in a friendly way. Like ‘hey your ____ was really good! Might I make a suggestion to make it more authentic? (if yes) Try adding a little more salt and ___ spice.’
That’s constructive because it helps her learn, and doesn’t embarrass her.
What you did, was 1. mess with her dish without her knowledge or permission, then 2. publicly steal credit for its success in a way that told everyone it wasn’t good until you messed with it.
You took something that WAS about her attempt at making your cultural food, and both made it about you instead and also insulted her efforts at replicating your food.
What you said, between the lines, was that H’s cooking just wasn’t good enough to eat as she’d prepared it, and she needed a ‘real pro’ like yourself to fix it.
That’s a serious insult to her.
So your family is correct – you WERE a jerk and you did seriously embarrass H.
Try to imagine what it’d be like if the tables were reversed – you put a lot of time and effort into making H’s cultural food, her family said it was really good, only to have one of H’s relatives stand up and say it sucked until they messed with it without your knowledge.
You’d be pretty sad too, right?
Always think about how the other person will feel before you act.
EDIT: replying to OP’s edits:
‘for the first try it tasted really good but I thought it could use some salt and spices so I put some more if you don’t mind.
Next time it’ll be even better.’
In short, ‘nice try but it wasn’t good enough until I fixed it for you’. And ‘if you don’t mind’ implies that you are asking for her permission. Had you done so you wouldn’t be a jerk, but you didn’t ask for permission you just screwed with her dish and didn’t tell anybody until it was time to take credit for it.
Your ‘explanation’ comes off as ‘your dish wasn’t good enough, better luck next time’.
‘And I didn’t want to steal the spotlight, I just wanted to be honest.’
But you DID steal the spotlight. If you just wanted to be honest, you could’ve been honest to her in private, before the meal- ‘this is good but I think it would be better if you add xxxxxx’.
That’s being honest. Announcing to everybody that you ‘fixed’ the dish they like is stealing the spotlight.
Sorry OP, you need to take a serious step back and check your own ego.” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“You’re downright the jerk.
It’s highly crude to interfere with your hostess’s food as a guest. She invited you to her house and bothered to cook for you. You added salt and spices to the food unbeknownst to her, which is socially impermissible. And then when she was complimented, you had to clarify to everyone that her dish is tasty thanks to you and not her.
You were vastly entitled and invidious.” Compensate1995
Another User Comments:
“OP says sister-in-law and brother came to visit their whole family, so I think SIL was the guest. Which frankly just makes it worse in my book. Here’s this woman who’s working her butt off to be a good wife and in-law, bending over backward trying to fit in with their family and their culture.
She comes to visit and is kind and loving enough to make a dish and bring it to share with her new family. She’s out of her element, surrounded by their family, just trying to put her best foot forward.
She’s sitting at the table feeling loved and accepted and happy as her in-laws tell her how much they loved her dish, feeling like she fits in in this home with this family.
And then comes OP, to tell her, ‘Actually, I decided that I’d better judge your dish before it was served, and my conclusion was that it wasn’t fit to pass my family’s lips until I graced it with my superior cooking skills, so I’d like the whole family to know that you weren’t in fact good enough for them and everything they’re enjoying is my accomplishment, not yours.
But don’t worry, now that I’ve taught you a lesson, maybe next time you can be as good as me.’ SpectacularTurtle
11. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Leave The Door Unlocked While She Showers?
“My sister (16f) is over at me (19f) and our dad’s house to visit for the holidays.
Although she says she’ll come over more often I usually see her every 2 or 3 months for a few days, but this is the first time I’ve seen her in about 4 months so I’m very happy she’s here. The house has two bathrooms, my dad’s and mine.
Mine is kind of also considered the ‘Guest’ bathroom, so when people stay over (like my sister) this is the one they use!
My sister likes to take very long showers. Like ’45 minutes if she’s in a rush and 2 hours if she is taking a normal one’ long.
I usually don’t mind it, however, today about an hour into her shower, I really had to use the bathroom to change my pad because (TMI) I felt myself starting to bleed REALLY heavily and I was worried I was gonna bleed through it or stain my jeans or something.
I usually keep a pad in my purse but I used the only one I had in there earlier when I was picking her up from her house, thus all of them were now under my bathroom sink. I tried to wait for maybe 10 minutes but I got nervous and knocked on her door and asked if she was almost done.
She got irritated and told me to leave her alone and that she was.
So I tried waiting a little more (only like 5 minutes this time) but I knocked again and said it was an emergency and if I could come in real quick to get a pad.
She said that the door was locked, and I asked if she could unlock it. The shower curtain isn’t see-through, so if she got out, unlocked the door, then went back in the shower I could get one real quick and then change out in our dad’s bathroom without seeing her!
I heard her stop the shower water then though, and she opened the door with a towel on and was pretty upset for interrupting her shower and making her get out to unlock the door. I apologized and asked if in the future she can just leave the door unlocked, and In emergencies, I can just come and get one real quick without disturbing her.
She got mad at me and said that was a gross thing to ask her, and then went to her room.
I feel really bad upsetting her and making her feel uncomfortable. I’ll probably just start keeping pads in my room since I know my dad would never want them in his bathroom, but I wanted to know if I am the jerk for asking.
EDIT: Some things for clarification:
1. Comments on me and my sister being comfortable around each other: We grew up literally showering together, however as we grew older she started sheltering herself more in this area (wanting to change in a different room, locking the bathroom, etc) it wasn’t like a sudden change it just slowly happened and that’s okay, I’ve never asked to breach this boundary until today but her reaction of calling it gross was unexpected and sort of hurtful
2. Comments on not keeping pads in our dad’s bathroom: I’ve said this in a few comments, but our dad does not like feminine hygiene products. He hates when I have them out, refuses to get them for me even if he’s already at the store (I think being in the aisle embarrasses him), and has gone so far as to the kind of ban me from using tampons.
I’m not sure why he’s like this, but I know it would make him upset if I kept pads in his bathroom. Another piece of relevant information is my bathroom is in the hall, while he is literally in his room, which is why mine is the one she uses.
3. Comments on why my sister is taking so long in the shower: I’m not sure! I know she had a TOOOON of thick and curly hair and she spends a great amount of time caring for it. Aside from that, I’m not sure.
I don’t know if she does more personal things in the shower, but ultimately that’s not my business and it does feel kind of weird having strangers talk about my minor sister doing those things. It might be true but still, please don’t make weird comments about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. it’s different if it was a bath but a shower no one else would be able to shower or do anything because she would use up all the hot water. How many days does she stay with you?
How high is the electric/ water bill on the months she stays? I wouldn’t give her a limit her shower time to 30 min max. You can wash and scrub the skin off your whole body, shave everything, shampoo, condition, and/ or hair mask and it still wouldn’t hit an hour.
I feel like she just stands there using up all the hot water. Too bad you don’t have a time limit on the hot water to like 30 min where it goes cold on you. In most places, I know water can go cold by end of the hour.
I mean we run bathwater and the next person has to wait a half to ensure they get hot water.” amaerau03
Another User Comments:
“My husband can take 2 hours in the bathroom when he needs to shower. That’s because he’s taking a long dump first. Most of that time on the toilet is him sitting there playing on his phone.
The dude really knows how to take his sweet time to avoid dealing with the kids. I could see her sister taking a long time before even getting into the shower, which would add to how long she’s in the bathroom.
My question is, when OP says it’s a 2-hour long shower, is that 2 hours of the water running and she’s actively showering or is it 2 hours from when she enters the bathroom to when she exits the bathroom. Regardless of what she means the sister is still being rude hogging the bathroom for so long.” Blue_Bettas
Another User Comments:
“OP I just realized I think I left this as a comment reply and IDK if you will see that with so many comments and idk where it’s at and have no time… so I’m just leaving it here to make sure you see it because I really hope you work things out.
Best wishes with everything.
Wow. The replies here are so disappointing. There’s a lot of reasons why someone might be a long showerer. Sometimes people feel like it’s the only place they can be alone and okay. Interrupting that can be really difficult for them if it really is a mental health thing.
There might even be some trauma behind all of this. Maybe it’s really hard for her to be at her dad’s house and maybe there are good reasons for it. I can’t guess what’s going on but that’s the point, there’s a lot of things that could be going on here.
Everyone talks a good talk about supporting people’s mental health issues… until they do something they don’t understand or find inconveniencing and then it’s, ‘what is your problem?!’ No, what she did was not right. The way she handled it was not right.
But she’s also young and maybe no one has taught her the right way to handle it. Or maybe she’s just a spoiled selfish jerk. But either way, what OP needs is communication and that needs to be approached in an open and understanding way.
If it turns out that she’s just being a jerk and being a selfish jerk is her typical MO, then OP needs to set some healthy boundaries and assert her needs. But if her sister has some unspeakable trauma or mental health issues that she doesn’t know how to talk about or feel safe doing so, just being a jerk about it isn’t going to help anyone.
OP, you didn’t do anything wrong but you need to talk to your sister openly with compassion and understanding and you both need to understand each other’s perspectives and come to a functional agreement.
NTJ but maybe the sister isn’t either.” Diligent_Explorer
Another User Comments:
“As someone with mental illness, I actually would consider sister a jerk. Yes, our illnesses are going to affect people sometimes, it happens. But if she can’t control her need to be in the shower for two hours almost every day, that means she needs to seek professional help.
Also, I’m just not sure how you can look at your sister and call her gross for having an emergency in her own home. I have trauma. Spent time crying in the bath/shower before. But that doesn’t mean I would ever let my poor sister sit in her b***d, let alone call her gross for having human needs.
I get what you guys are saying, and yes people might be being a little too harsh on sister, but she’s 16. She’s going to have to learn to limit herself on how long she hogs a bathroom, especially if she goes to college.
If it’s serious, she needs therapy.
I’m all about having the talk about how people aren’t actually sympathetic to mental health, but we also can’t use our issues as an excuse to put our family in a situation where they are sitting in their own period of b***d.
It’s just not ok. I would never do that to my poor little sister no matter how badly I just wanna sit in the water.
I also want to say I WAS the child that took long showers and it would irritate my parents, but all I would do is switch up my schedule to fit both of our needs instead of causing them issues.
I’d shower at night when no one was, or I’d wait for other people to be done. I was always willing to let a sibling in if they needed something really quick. My little sister values her privacy more than I do, but if I need something, she just stays behind the curtain while I grab it and we both have anxiety whilst I have a fancy combination with PTSD and ADHD as well.” DrSlay3rx
10. AITJ For Leaving My Wife At The Party When She Flirted With The Dancing Santa?
“My wife and I went to an early Christmas party at her friend’s place and to everyone’s surprise, she got a male dancer Santa Clause. He came in and everyone thought he was just some regular Santa because that’s what he acted like at first. Then he started playing sensual music and well, doing his job.
The dude was absurdly muscular from head to toe like a bodybuilder and was wearing some little g string thong. I see a lot of embarrassed and emasculated-looking husbands as their wives are going crazy for the guy. My friend Joe’s wife is practically climbing this guy as he twiddles his thumbs lol.
Not my wife though, which I was happy about. My wife was lightly laughing and said isn’t this ridiculous and I shook my head and said ‘Yeah this is stupid, I gonna use the restroom.’ I really did since I ate a huge amount of food.
I come back from the restroom and this guy is all on top of my wife and she has her hands all over his butt. I go up to her and ask her what in the world she is doing and she says she’s just having fun and all her friends were egging her on.
I tell her enough is enough of this and pull her away, heard tons of laughter as I did this and felt humiliated.
I take her outside ask why in the world she thought that was ok. She said I didn’t tell her not to do it.
I tell her it’s pretty obvious I wasn’t cool with this by how I wasn’t laughing or cheering and how I said this was stupid. I also tell her that she just thought she could get away with it while I was in the restroom.
She tells me I’m being too sensitive and to lighten up because the guy is just some dancer. I tell her I don’t care, that was still wildly inappropriate for her to do and it was very humiliating. She tells me to get over it.
I say screw it, she can stay while I go home. So I went to the car to leave and left her there even though she told me to wait. My wife must’ve immediately called an Uber because soon after I get back home she does.
She verbally unloads on then goes to cry in our room.
AITJ for getting mad about this?”
Another User Comments:
“While I think the OP is overreacting, a jerk, and not emasculated in any way, men can be emasculated without it really having much to do with a fragile ego.
I’ve seen dudes get yelled at and called less of a man by their spouses for all sorts of hurtful things in all sorts of hurtful ways. Imagine being told you’re not a real man because you can’t have kids, or not a real man because your hair fell out or you don’t have a hairy chest or because your kid passed away.
That thing is pretty hurtful and meant only to emasculate and hurt feelings.” BickNlinko
Another User Comments:
“The most likely explanation is that some women feel entitled to men’s bodies. Not to suggest the reverse can’t also be true, but there’s been a major cultural shift towards not treating women like a piece of meat and valuing consent.
There’s still work to be done there, but we’ve come a long way since the 1950s. Meanwhile, there are people who still genuinely believe men can’t be assaulted because ‘they’re always willing.’ They think it’s not a big deal to casually ‘feel up” a dude because he works out and they’re just showing appreciation for his hard work by rubbing and exposing his muscles.
They think the fact that he’s uncomfortable is just a funny joke because they’re so much smaller and weaker so it’s not like they’re actually a threat to him; they can’t force him into anything he doesn’t want to do so that makes it all okay.
I think the majority of people recognize that no means no regardless of gender, but if you poll society as a whole you’ll find more people who see it as not a problem (or at least less of a problem) when the man is the victim compared to women victims.” Chronoblivion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can’t believe the double standard reverse gender discrimination here with all the YTJ and ESH votes. You’d be getting hated on by these commenters and your wife if you were the one being caught fondling a female dancer but it’s okay if she does it with a male dancer?
You getting hated on for leaving her at the party is a trashy move as well. What she did is infidelity in most people’s books for any basic romantic relationship.
What’s also trashy is hiring a dancer for a couple’s party without their consent or knowledge.
What a dumb move. Screw that whole situation. I’d be out, too – of the house and possibly the relationship if there weren’t apologies and mandatory couples counseling. What a betrayal of trust and an unfair embarrassing place to be thrust into.
Screw. All. That.” CrunchySockTaco
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for how you handled it and how you talk about it.
No dancer is a fair boundary to set in a relationship. Boundaries need to be set BEFORE you are in situations where they may be inadvertently crossed. ‘She knows me and she knows I wouldn’t like that from my body language’ is not clearly setting that boundary.
That said, if you are emasculated simply by looking at a strong man’s body, you are emasculated, to begin with. That ‘gay little g string thong,’ as you described it, was clearly getting more attention from women than your very masculine (I’m sure) outfit.
I don’t usually say things like this, it feels mean. My point is, you were a jerk in the way you described a guy who is literally doing their job (and apparently quite well).
Also don’t leave parties without the people you came with unless they explicitly (and soberly) ask you to.” MrPotato2753
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So many comments on this chain…
This issue is not the dancer, but that your wife decided to feel up the dancer and enjoy it. She crossed a boundary by grabbing the dancer’s butt. She was an active participant in grabbing.
She wanted to do it. If she didn’t want it, she wouldn’t have done it.
This is boundary stomping conduct that should only happen if both hubby and wife are in agreement that it was ok.
In a committed relationship, you are partners and partners should be thinking about how their conduct affects the partner.
It is rather obvious you were not a fan, and wouldn’t have been. The part that you don’t know is who started this on while you were in the bathroom. Did your friends start this on or did your wife?
You and your wife need to have a conversation about conduct and what is acceptable and what isn’t.
You also need to get a new group of friends!!! Who invites a dancer to a Christmas party of mixed couples??
And does your wife really want everyone talking about how she was grabbing butt at the Christmas party??
It doesn’t matter whether the dancer was paid or not, there to do a gig or not. You did not expect your wife to be grabbing butt of a dancer while you were out of the room.
It’s now a trust issue.” Buttercup303
9. AITJ For Refusing To Talk To My Family After Getting Deported From Sweden?
“I am British. Have lived in Sweden for the last 7 years.
I have been able to support myself financially for 7 years in Sweden. However, due to Brexit, those that fall under ‘self-sufficiency’ Brits now have to prove that they can support themselves for a guaranteed 5 years (i.e. have enough money in the bank to fund 5 years of living in Sweden).
This is something that is currently being challenged in the courts because this puts Brits living in Sweden before Brexit under different rules to standard EU citizens. Standard EU citizens just need to prove they have enough cash ‘now’, not for 5 years going forward.
Anyway, long story short; I am being kicked out of the country that I have called my home for 7 years.
This is because I cannot guarantee the income source I have will last for 5 years, even though it likely will.
This happens in about a month.
In that time, I am having to go through awful goodbyes with my significant other, friends, etc.
My family is jubilant I am returning to the UK. In fact, that is the whole reason they voted for Brexit, in a bid to get me to come back.
I am livid that people are so jubilant that I am the most miserable I have been in my life. Due to this Brexit fiasco, I essentially have to restart my life at 33 years old, and people are celebrating that?
I have told my family that when I return, I am no longer speaking to them because it is disgusting they can be happy when I am miserable.
They said it is a jerkish thing for me to do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forking b******y wot?
You’re not a c-nut for that response. They are. Brextwits are brextwits. Everything is permissible as long as house prices don’t crash… and the bananas… how very dare the EU to tell us about bananas.
All foolishness aside, they wanted this. THIS is what their vote condoned. They want you back and screw the consequences because all that matters is that they get what they want. The poisoned chalice but make no mistake they’ll say the chalice is not poisoned whilst gurgling to their death.
Because they vote reich dontcha know, and to do that requires accepting no responsibility whatsoever.” Mr_Ham_Man80
Another User Comments:
“Fully believe you, my partner voted for Brexit because his dad told him that was the best thing to do.
Lol. ‘Well, if my dad says so!’ He regrets it now… some people are missing the point of why the motivation to vote for Brexit is the jerk move by your relatives. It doesn’t matter that one vote is negligible – it’s about why they did that, what they hoped to achieve.
I wouldn’t speak to them either in your shoes. It sounds awful, I’m so sorry. Do you have a European grandparent by any chance? Maybe you qualify that way?
NTJ, when people revel in their teeny contribution towards causing a massive upheaval in another person’s life, as it will help them reach a goal which is detrimental to the actual human being’s happiness – screw ’em.” throwawayj38sld
Another User Comments:
“Okay so you’re NTJ, however, I strongly doubt your story. I also know that this is going to get downvoted to oblivion, but here we go.
You see, I work for the Danish government and we also work closely together with both the Norwegian and Swedish governments, especially immigration.
What I’m saying is, that it’s very unlikely that you would’ve been deported without even getting a warning and not being able to contest it. You have 12 months from getting that warning to contest it.
Neither country just kicks out non-EU citizens for not being able to provide themselves.
If we did, we wouldn’t have so many people from 3rd world countries living off our social benefits/welfare for 10+ years.
As long as you have a job, you are fine. You can get a visa and get it renewed every couple of years – or, y’know… if you plan to stay there forever, get partial citizenship (and voting rights).
If you somehow still get deported despite having had a stable job situation for 2+ years, you can actually contest it in court.
Good luck.” Daddy_Muttonchop
And if you don't, I still wouldn't talk to the family
8. AITJ For Humiliating My Sister Because Of Her Texts To My Husband?
“I left my husband a month ago. It pretty much has turned my life into a mess and if I get a divorce, I’m sure my family is going to disown me.
My little sister (she’s 19) was very worried that she wouldn’t be allowed to talk to me anymore so she decided to take my phone last week and beg my husband to give me a second chance through texts.
He didn’t even reply and I had no idea until Saturday when we both ended up at the same party as a mutual family friend.
I only found out because he told me to ask him in person and he would consider giving me a second chance and made it seem like I was begging for him back to my dad. I was confused and angry so I was ranting to my older sister.
She knew what my little sister had done and told me.
I was furious so I told my little sister to go and admit to him that she sent those texts. I went with her and she confessed to him in front of a group of people since he wouldn’t agree to speak privately.
My sister hid for the rest of the party and my husband said what I did was cruel. My little sister hasn’t spoken to me since. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“He won’t talk to his ex privately and instead needs an entire audience for him to hear her out.
I would give the little sister a pass on this one since her heart was at least in the right place but the ex and parents do seem like absolutely bad people to me. Makeup with the sister and drop the parents and ex would be my advice to OP.
In the Navy we called this a good old fashion Preemptive Assault, you know you’re about to get hit hard so you hit them with literally everything you got before they ever get the chance to fire on you. In a situation like this, there’s absolutely no good that will come with OP waiting for them to make the first move, to be honest. If it’s going to happen it might as well be on her terms.” Pope_Godzilla
Another User Comments:
“I agree this guy is a massive, flaming jerk! The sister is immature and made a bad choice based on having bad parents and no life experience but she gets a pass for being young and dumb.
Not only won’t he talk to his ex privately, but he also wouldn’t talk to her sister privately.
And then after forcing the issue to be resolved publicly he is trying to put the blame on the OP.
No wonder you left him, OP, if this is the kind of man your family wants to force you to be with you are better off without him or them.
NTJ.” christikayann
Another User Comments:
“OP, you are NTJ. Your sister absolutely overstepped and was wrong, but (1) did it bc she thought it would maintain her relationship with you/keep you in the family and (2) acknowledged her wrongdoing in a public spectacle orchestrated by your jerk of a (soon-to-be-ex) husband who refused to speak about it in a private and discreet manner like mature adults.
OP, you’re entitled to your feelings and don’t have to reach out to your little sister. It is your business how you handle the situation, especially since it sounds like other people have been trying to intervene/undercut your decisions throughout this process.
But, if you’re open to it, I’d encourage you NOT to let the guy drive a wedge between you and your sister. Yea she’s overly naïve, but she also accepted the consequences of her actions and made the amends in the way you wanted (i.e., admitting what she did to your insufferable, steaming dump of a jerk husband).
There might be other dynamics in play on why you don’t want to forgive her, but what you’ve shared makes it sound like she’s mortified/remorseful. It’s up to you if you want to repair the bridge.” ponytaexpress
7. AITJ For Telling Her That Her Choice Of Twin's Names Is Idiotic?
“A co-worker of mine (39F) recently had twin boys after a long battle with infertility.
She has made her first appearance in the office with her new babies to introduce them to our team.
When asked what she had named the boys (as up until this appearance she was undecided) she told me that she was naming them ‘Sean’.
When I asked about the other baby, she said ‘no, they are both Sean, one with an A and one with an E so Sean and Seen’. This co-worker’s last name is also ‘Sean’. When I pointed this out she said ‘yes, like TomTom or Jay Jay’.
I immediately and without thinking said, ‘that is the most idiotic thing I’ve heard, and it’s going to be so confusing’.
A bunch of people laughed and a bunch immediately looked away. After she left, I got a few text messages saying it’s not my place to comment on people’s choices of the name.
Am I the jerk for saying that that is a terrible naming idea?
Edit. Additional information.
No, they don’t have middle names, she wanted their names to be like ‘Tom Tom, or Jay Jay’.
This is apparently not the first round of negative feedback she has had.
We are on good terms, we have worked together across three companies over 12 years, she just said ‘it’ll grow on you’.
The names both pronounced ‘Sean’ like ‘Shawn’.”
Another User Comments:
“This is the real problem, not whether OP was rude to point out what a bad choice these names are.
This mother has named her children the same name because she’s mentally unable to deal with twins. This is a serious problem, just as you’ve said. The two boys will have identity issues because Mom can’t see them as separate people.
They are one being, in her mind. How can she begin to see their individual personalities and differences when she’s using the same name (pronounced the same way!) for each child? It’s A Disaster in more than just the misery of documents and data that others are pointing out.
If the babies’ father is going along with this, it is quite worrisome, too. The extended family, the baby’s pediatrician, and the internet can agree with OP about the names, but the legally responsible people are the parents. When Mom is mentally unable to parent twins in this way, the other parent must step up for those vulnerable children.” DWYL_LoveWhatYouDo
Another User Comments:
“As an Irish person, NTJ. Seen is not Sean. And as an Irish person who grew up Protestant during the conflict in the North and was forbidden by parents, schools, and state to learn Irish or Gaelige and now lives in England and gets asked ‘how do I say this ‘weird’ Irish name?’ by non-Irish people, please do not mess with the few ones I can pronounce and blow my secret.
I’m still salty that aspect of culture was so contentious that we were segregated by simply not knowing how to say our Catholic neighbors’ names and I’m always embarrassed now to still struggle with them. It’s also just rude when people take Irish names and just go ‘well I write it Seen but say, Sean’.
You cannot write orange and say ‘but it’s really an apple.’ Linguistically it’s nonsense and personally for the kids involved it is absolutely callous. She is removing their identity, making them into a prolonged LOL, ensuring their name is the first and last impression most people have and that they always always always have to explain the ‘concept’ just to order take out or sit an exam.
If you have to explain the concept in names, menus, or anything else, it’s self-indulgent not as smart as you think thingy.” IFeelMoiGerbil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Those poor, poor boys.
In the UK, there are two famous footballers whose father’s name is Neville Neville. It is a well-known joke throughout the country, that this is his name and he is ridiculed for it. I can’t IMAGINE also being a twin with the exact same name but one of them is spelled totally wrong.
This woman is inherently selfish for doing this to her children. I am shocked it was allowed when she registered the births! Sweden has a law banning names that will cause offense or discomfort to the child, and Denmark has a law banning names that aren’t on a list of pre-approved names.
And this nonsense is why!” Accomplished-Cheek59
6. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Tell His Dad To Stop Calling My Sister?
“Me (F23) and my significant other (M23) have been together for 6 years. I’ve known his family for the same amount of time and we get along, his dad is usually very quiet and we’ve maybe had 10 conversations in all 6 years my bf and I have been together.
Recently, about a month ago, he added my sister (F19) on social media after he found out she likes to collect dolls. She buys, sells, and trades collector’s dolls on social media and he saw one of her listings. My partner’s dad is a big collector, WW2 memorabilia, midcentury items, etc. so he was I guess interested that she did the same.
It started normal, he asked about her collecting, talked about his antique shopping, and told her that he wanted to meet my family (something he has never said to me). As the month has gone on, however, he has begun messaging her all day every day even saying good morning and good night.
This week he even invited her to go thrift shopping which I invited myself to because I didn’t want her to go alone which is maybe paranoia because I’ve had too many bad experiences with older men.
What really weirds me out is that he will talk badly about his wife, myself, and my partner to her and he bought her a Christmas gift (which he has never done for me) and now he’s asking her to hang out with him?
A message that really stands out to me is when he sent a photo of some girl on an old comic and said “this beautiful little lady looks just like you.” I know I probably sound crazy but why does a 50 something-year-old man want to talk to a 19-year-old all day when he has shown 0 interest in myself and really even his own son?
It doesn’t feel like he just wants to get to know my family when he has never brought that up to me. I finally told my man about it and he really hates confrontation so I feel bad asking him to say something.
I just don’t want to damage my relationship if no one else thinks this situation is weird. So AITA?
Edited: my sister when asked will laugh awkwardly about it and say it’s a little weird but she “thinks he’s lonely” so she continues texting him.
She’s never had close friends due to her having a hard time reading social situations and struggles with feeling lonely so I worry about her judgment here.
Update: After reading the messages myself and seeing him send her selfies, ask for selfies of her, make comments like ‘I’m sure you’re too busy with your man for me’ and so on, my family sat her down and she’s going to block him.
I was on the fence until I saw the messages myself, having been through similar situations myself all the alarm bells went off in my head. She ended up admitting that she was uncomfortable but said she would feel guilty if ignoring him ended up damaging my relationship with my significant other and so she kept entertaining it.
My man is talking to him and telling him that he crossed a major line regardless of if he realized it. None of us know if his mom knows but I don’t think we will involve her.
Second update: He told his mom and now she is confronting him.”
Another User Comments:
“Mmmmm no absolutely NTJ. I don’t know if your sister is specifically autistic, but I am and as a result, also have a lot of difficulty with feeling lonely. When I was a bit younger, I dealt with it by talking to anyone who seemed interested in me.
I was young, naive, wayyyyy too trusting, and unable to tell when someone was taking advantage of me. This sounds incredibly similar to an experience I had that ended very badly for me and stays with me to this day.
If your sister is bad at reading social cues, it’s likely that she hasn’t even considered this man could be trying to make an advance on her. Do you guys have a close relationship? If so, have a conversation the next time you see her.
Going off your edit, I think she probably senses that something’s wrong, but might not have the words for it. I do think you need to talk to your partner’s dad directly though. Ask him what exactly his intentions are because even if your sister wasn’t a teenager, I would still consider this weird.
Good luck but I’m warning you this is probably going to be terrible to deal with” Equivalent_Wing_6450
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your sister is too inexperienced to recognize he’s a creep who wants to sleep with her. If your bf refuses to tell his dad to back off your sister, he is most definitely not worth keeping as a partner.
No, he doesn’t have any control over his dad, but preferring not to rock the boat when potential abuse is at stake proves a lot about his morals.
No, you can’t control your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have let her be prey for a predator without telling them both this needs to stop.
She deserves the true picture (she can decide if she wants to believe it or not) and he deserves to know he’s not fooling anyone but his victim.
2 birthdays doesn’t magically give a target of gross advances the knowledge and skills to handle it right.” JuliaX1984
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ! Jesus, this sounds way too creepy. Your partner seems to be unwilling to take any responsibility or set any boundaries to this obviously inappropriate grooming-like thing. It’s his own father who’s behaving like that, he should care more.
Even if his dad’s intentions are not bad, and he’s just lonely, he should be alarmed and take some action about this situation. You don’t have to indicate to your bf how to handle the situation, though. If he hates confronting, he could try a different approach, but in any case, he can’t deny that something needs to be done.
OP, have you discussed this with your own parents?
PS: You are a great sister.” abysstare
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been in this exact situation myself only it was an older man creeping on me, not a sibling. It started as a “friendship” with mutual interests, as we both volunteered at the same charity events in town, and it turned into him texting me constantly, usually late at night, and joking about coming over.
I never let it happen, thankfully. This was a respected teacher in my community who taught teenagers, which makes it even more creepy. My instincts told me that something was wrong and I ended all contact, but if your little sister doesn’t put a stop to it he’s only going to get more obsessive.
Instincts are so important – they tell us when something isn’t right and often they get ignored because we have empathy or don’t want to be rude. This is classic textbook grooming behavior.” MissTeeny27
Another User Comments:
“Oh you are 100% not reading this wrong, this is bad.
At best he’s oblivious to how creepy and inappropriate what he’s doing is (which I doubt), and at worse it’s intentional grooming. It sounds like he’s testing the waters so to speak, especially if he’s talking to her about his wife and their relationship.
If he just wanted someone to talk about his hobby with, why would that even come up? And the fact that he’s badmouthing you, HER SISTER, and your partner as well give me the feeling that he’s trying to isolate her from the both of you, to make her feel like he’s the only one she should trust and confide in.
I’d say have your partner be the one to talk with him first, but definitely make sure his mom knows too. In the meantime, you talk to your sister again and try to keep an eye on if he continues to message her (which in all honesty I have a feeling he WILL try to continue this behavior even after being called on it, but that he may try to be sneakier about it, and possibly try to convince your sister to keep it a secret).
You’re right to be wary about this, OP.
Edit: Adding on because I just thought of something, do you think it’s possible that your sister could be trying not to let on how much this might make her uncomfortable because he’s your FiL, and she doesn’t want to rock the boat and cause problems for you and your relationship?
I could see that happening, where she might hesitate and start second-guessing herself and wondering if it’s actually inappropriate, or if she’s reading too much into things, just like you were worried you might be doing. And FiL seems like the type who would absolutely take advantage of that.
I think that makes it even more crucial that you and your partner be the ones to address it with his parents, rather than waiting to see if things get worse. Also, you are probably well aware of this already, but watch out for specific language in his texts to her, like telling her how she’s so “mature for her age”, etc etc.” athymeforclues
Reading your update, I'm glad your sister is ok. The fact that she was willing to stay in a situation that was making her uncomfortable because she didn't want this to cause any problem in your relationship shows what a kind person she is. The problem is that predators pick up on that combination of kindness and young naivete and exploit it. That little comment of his that "I'm sure your too busy with your man for me" was designed to dump guilt on her for hurting his feelings by neglecting him. Major red flags. Thankfully she has you and the rest of your family there with her.
5. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws I Wouldn't Be Bringing My Kids To See Them Anymore?
“I’m in the middle of a difficult divorce and I’ve done everything in my power to avoid seeing my ex-husband in person since this all started, which isn’t easy when you share small kids. Everybody around me knows this, including my ex-in-laws.
If it wasn’t for me, my ex-in-laws wouldn’t see the kids very often but because I have no living biological family of my own, it was important to me that the kids continued having a close relationship with them and I put a lot of effort into making sure that happened.
Since the kids will be with me this Christmas, I agreed to take them to see their grandparents last weekend. 20 minutes after we arrived, my ex showed up. I would’ve left but the kids were excited to see him so I just had to******* up but I was silently fuming which only got worse when he decided to talk to me.
After we left, I sent my ex-in-laws a text telling them that was the last time I would be bringing the kids to see them. Now, my ex-in-laws are all blowing my phone up begging me to reconsider and my ex decided it was a great time to let me know that me avoiding him was only working because he was letting it work.
AITJ? & WIBTJ if I stick to my word?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You went above and beyond your custody agreement to accommodate them and be the bigger person for your kids and their grandparents. And they ambushed you with a visit from your ex-husband, putting you in an uncomfortable situation.
Not okay.
As an FYI, your ex-husband’s family will always prioritize him over you, no matter how much extra you do. Let him deal with the relationship between your children and his parents.” JuniperLaCroix
Another User Comments:
“First off, if you ever need to talk, please PM me.
I will only say, as briefly as possible, that this reminds me of when my lying ex-husband and I were still trying to make it work after I discovered his affair. That was in October, and the holidays quickly rolled around, and guess whose mom had paid for an entire family weekend at the polar express months ago, and guess who had to go as a family?!
My lying husband’s mom, of course!
It was the most psychologically messed up thing I’ve been through, I think. Sitting there on that train, stealing swigs of whiskey from my BIL, soon to be ex-BIL, trying to numb the pain and keep from sobbing to see all the happy families while I sat next to my lying husband, pretending for the sake of my kid.
All the while my in-laws were happy to lap it up, especially MIL because all she could think of was how wonderful a weekend she provided for everyone. While I am literally trying not to lose my entire mind over the entire thing.
Like a full-blown panic attack on a Christmas train with babies and kids and parents and the whole nine darn yards. I did a good job, but screw that.
You are N.T.J. NTJ!! oh my god. Oh my GOD.
And I still have my parents around. Seriously, if you ever need to talk, PM me. NTJ! Screw your ex and his family and the trash-wagon they rode in on.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – all the others saying it isn’t their fault he showed up, etc, well they may not have invited him, however, they are very much aware of the situation and should have immediately asked/told him to come back later.
This single mother is doing everything she can, and I’m sure seeing the in-laws is already a challenge for her. Give her some space to breathe, don’t condone the jerk ex forcing his way in, I get that’s their son, but they could have said, we know the situation and your ex is not comfortable, and the fact he chose to rub it in her face saying it only works because he allows it????
Oh my god. Sounds toxic/narcissistic. You do what’s best for you and the kiddos. You already have to deal with your ex enough, and it shouldn’t be forced against your will.” Abolden3383
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Regardless of what you decide.
Do the ex IL’s have a history or a pattern of overstepping? Prior to the divorce, did you have a poor relationship with them? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then stand your ground. If the answer to both of these questions is no, perhaps reconsider with very strict boundaries.
And make sure you keep a document of everything your ex-husband says to you because he sounds like he was threatening him.” TeeKaye28
4. AITJ For Ruining My Friend's Favorite Food For Her?
“So my friend Sarah absolutely loves cows. She refuses to eat beef because of her love for cows.
The two of us were at lunch and I ordered a chicken fried steak. She said, ‘oh I LOVE chicken fried steak!’ I just kind of looked at her and said, ‘but Sarah… you don’t eat beef…’. She said, ‘but that’s chicken!
My mom told me that it was chicken!’ I corrected her and she immediately calls her mom to ask her. Well, come to find out, her mom had been lying to her for her entire life about different foods that she gave her to get her to eat beef.
She would tell her something was chicken or pork or whatever. My friend called me a jerk for ruining one of her favorite dishes. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her mum is for lying to her about her foods knowing it’s so important to her.
OMG. Why is she mad at you and not her mum? My sister doesn’t eat pork or beef and I would never lie to her, I even point out some things that she doesn’t pick up on and she’s thankful.
I don’t eat fish or seafood and if someone lied to me about what it was I would be SO angry. Though Sarah is dumb for not checking what the foods are if it’s really so important to her.
I’m not American so I don’t really know what chicken fried steak is but if it’s beef surely it would be red/brown like beef not chicken colored?” User
Another User Comments:
“My brother would only eat chicken when he was little (age 5-6 maybe).
My mom would feed him fried flounder filets and call it ‘chicken fish.’ The ruse was up when we went to dinner and my brother proudly ordered chicken fish. The waitress had a ‘whut’ face and my mom had to explain the truth.
My brother then ate flounder with no problem.
That’s what happened here except that you’re old enough to be on the internet, your friend is bizarrely offended at learning what she’s eating, and she’s taking her offense out on you, the friend who didn’t lie to her and had no reason to know her mother had been lying.
Perhaps she’s embarrassed and is lashing out? Regardless, NTJ.” Jellyfish1297
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you two were out eating lunch by yourselves, then she’s a little old to have the truth of what foods she’s eating hidden from her.
You could say ‘Look, I didn’t know you didn’t know what kind of meat your favorite meat is made out of. And there was no way for me to know you needed me to lie to you about what you were eating.
I can’t really apologize for something that was 100% your mom’s fault, but if you need me to keep my mouth shut going forward when I know you’re eating something different than what you think you’re eating, I can do that’.” PizzaPurrfectSauce
3. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Chew His Food?
“My partner doesn’t chew at all and he eats at the speed of lightning. I eat at a normal speed and can finish lunch in 15 min, he can eat it in 3 minutes. He said he learned not to chew so he can eat more food without getting full and as a result became obese.
He lost most of the weight but still doesn’t chew his food. I honestly don’t find it attractive because he will eat too fast and choke on his food and people cringe if they eat with us and I’ve told him to start chewing but he doesn’t care.
He’s choked and had the Heimlich performed on him twice already. Last week he got a third choking scare and turned blue. We were eating alone and it took over 5 minutes of me struggling to do the Heimlich as hard as possible for the food to become dislodged. The ambulance came and brought him to the emergency for assessment.
He had a broken rib from how hard I had to thrust to get the food out. He probably felt too bad to eat fast until lunch today when he started eating the same way he had done. I asked him if he forgot what happened last week and he told me he didn’t care and it wasn’t my business.
Well, it became my business when I was trying to save his life because he wouldn’t chew. We got into an argument about it and I’m not sure if I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Ask him how he’d feel if you did that, just literally come inches from death just because you won’t chew your food.
He’d obviously tell you not to, so why doesn’t he? It seems like he has some… trauma? There kinda has to be something deeper, 1. maybe he was forced to eat quickly as a child and now feels like he has to eat as fast as possible.
2. You’re his partner, if my partner suggested I do something that takes seconds, benefits my body, and could literally save my life, I’d listen. 3. Not chewing your food? That’s such a random thing to NOT do, you can’t even enjoy it.
It’s really weird to me that he doesn’t chew his food, and I seriously doubt it’s something he’s just started doing, try and dig deeper OP, maybe you’ll find something.” isaiahdavinci
Another User Comments:
“He needs some medical attention, and by that, I mean therapy or at least help from a dietician or something.
You can set a boundary in any intimate relationship that you will leave if the other person doesn’t start taking care of themselves properly (because then it becomes a burden on ‘you’). You then have to follow through with the boundary.
This is very different than nagging and reminding him to chew. That is what a parent does with a young child. The fact he knows the consequences of this behavior (choking and social stigma) to me seems like he literally does not know how to stop the behavior and he needs help.
This problem is out of your hands to fix. It was so bad it not only caused him a chronic health issue, obesity – which often has mental health components- but also acute health emergencies. You should also seek mental health support (therapy, support group, or subreddit for partners of people with eating disorders) because having to live with someone who is intentionally (?) causing themselves a medical emergency more than once is traumatic, and you don’t deserve to have to cope with that in isolation.” rhymes_with_mayo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are concerned for his health and frankly his life and sometimes that warrants frank discussions. As long as you are being kind in the way you express this (not mad or annoyed, but concerned) then that is all you can do.
But what you are describing is worrying. It seems like your bf has an issue with food that could stem from trauma or something because it isn’t normal to almost pass away 3 times and not re-evaluate. Like, did he struggle with food insecurity as a kid, or were his family or friends weird about him eating?
I feel like someone with a degree in psychiatry could maybe help him work through this seemingly compulsive behavior. Do you think he’d be open to seeing a therapist if you lovingly suggested it?” Then-Parking5635
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is your partner, you have every right to be concerned.
His life has been endangered 3 times now, this requires professional medical intervention. If he won’t engage then you really need to consider your future together. Do you want a similar situation where you can’t dislodge the food, he turns blue and dies there on the ground.
Shame on the other posters saying he is disgusting. This is a serious medical issue which needs to be addressed before a fatality ensues.” bertoshea
2. AITJ For Telling My Coworker To Shut Up Or Quit?
“I 26M work in a small shop where I weld door frames and things in that manner. I’ve been there for about 2 years and have it down pretty well.
About 6 months ago, a young guy started. He’s 21 and has never had a welding job so it would be a good experience for him.
Except he doesn’t shut up. He constantly talks all the time about the better opportunities he can get at other places.
I’ve never responded negatively before today. I would usually tell him “cool man, sounds cool.” I constantly have to tell him to stop talking and get to work. When I say this, he throws a fit and claims that other jobs are throwing offers at him left and right.
I just ignore it.
Today again he was talking about the pay wage at this other place. He was talking for a good 5 mins before our supervisor comes from behind and tells him to stop talking and get to work.
The supervisor leaves and he starts talking trash about him and how other places wouldn’t talk to him like this.
I sighed and he kept going. I say ‘hey man, the door is right there. Quit and go somewhere else or shut up and get to work.’ He went wide-eyed and left. He returned with my supervisor claiming I told him he wasn’t important and I should just quit.
Supervisor asked if it was true and I said no and my coworker asked for an appointment with HR.
I feel I was harsh but definitely not a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Guy sounds like a total tool and a manipulative one at that.
I hope the meeting with HR goes well and assuming it does, stay far away from this guy afterward if at all possible. Eventually, he’ll get himself fired.” necromandie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Might want to have a talk with the supervisor about this though, basically just go in a explain the situation that leads to it.
From your post, it sounds like your supervisor already has yelled at him in the past for talking and not working and if you have this little chat with the supervisor then maybe he’ll be out the door quickly.” congteddymix
Another User Comments:
“Had a coworker who would say things like this all the time. Where I work, we have good jobs that only require high school education and pay very well. He would constantly say he could go here, and go there, and be fine, blah blah.
Well, he ended up getting fired after being written up multiple times. I talked to him after the firing and asked about those other opportunities, and he said he was just talking trash and didn’t have any other prospects. I think it’s just projecting honestly.” Stacemranger
1. AITJ For Asking My Son And His Wife For A Cope Of The Keys To Their House?
“2 weeks ago my son (Ethan, 27) and his wife (Jess, 30) bought a small one-story house in the town we live in. After settling down they invited us for a small party for the occasion.
We sat for dinner and talked about the house a bit.
I, my husband, and Jess continued conversing after Ethan excused himself to take an important call. Jess showed me the original key to the house and I asked if she made copies yet and she said no. I said she should and also give one copy to me as well.
She looked at me funny and asked why she should. I explained that it is necessary so that it could be used in emergencies. She rudely said, ‘I don’t know what kind of an emergency would require you to have a key to our house, sure won’t be a fire incident!’
She obviously didn’t seem to have any idea that a fire incident wasn’t what I meant and I got offended by her sarcasm. I pointed out that it’s not just her decision because this is my son’s house as well.
She smiled at me trying to be polite and stated that only the ones who contributed towards the house get a copy and that I really don’t need one anyway. Also assured me that my son will have the same answer as me.
Basically saying ‘Don’t bother to bring this up with Ethan, he’ll tell you the same thing’ but I did and she spoke on his behalf the entire argument repeating what she said over and over. Things escalated to her calling me pushy and me telling her she was being unnecessarily rude and disrespectful.
My husband and I left in a rush and I felt horrible. My husband went on and on about how paranoid and controlling I was to basically be ‘demanding’ a copy of the key to the new house but again I stated that I was just trying to be helpful and taking extra precautions since anything could happen but he insisted I overstepped and ruined Ethan’s and Jess’s joy for their new house as well as dinner.
I genuinely do not think what I said was out of line and I’m not sure why Jess reacted so intensely. I think my request was innocent.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And I don’t think it’s a soft YTJ.
I personally find it weird to ask for access to someone’s house but I’m 100% letting that slide because to each their own and maybe that is normal to you. But she said no. You needed to stop there.
Instead, you lectured her that it’s not her decision. Well, yes it is. Two yes. One no. Even if your son didn’t care, if the other homeowner says no, that’s the answer. Then you proceeded to ignore her and ask your son.
She again had to tell you that her opinion matters. Your husband is right. You made everyone uncomfortable. Why would you put your son in that position btw? His wife was VERY clear. Then you ask him to veto her choices about her home right in front of her with no cool off time.
What exactly did you expect to happen? That he would tell her that if his mommy wants a key she can have it and it’s not her choice? Did you think that was going to make life easy for him at home?
Do you think that would make him a good husband at that moment if he said yes? You disrespected your DIL’s choice and you set your son up to either annoy/hurt his wife or his mother.” angel2hi
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – I know some families have keys to each other’s houses, but this should only be the case if they offer. As soon as your daughter-in-law said no that should have been dropped. If nothing else if your son had given you one it likely would have started a major issue between them.
With at least two adults having a key I’m not sure why you’d need one. We only have friends that have keys so they can feed the pets if we’re away. None of my family have keys.” Betweentheminds
Another User Comments:
“It’s about HOW you said it. It would have been way better if you had made it an offer or a question (‘Would it help you guys to leave a key with us in case of emergencies?’).
Instead, you were very presumptive and TOLD her to give you a key. You doubled down by telling her that it was necessary.
They’re both adults. They chose to have you help them celebrate a major milestone. Instead, you treated them as though they are children who need to be told what to do.
As though they can’t make decisions themselves.
You also put Jess in a very awkward position. You told her to do something. She declined. Then you tried to get Ethan to side with you against his wife. So not only are you trying to tell them what to do, now you’re trying to initiate a conflict between them.
It’s no wonder that she tried to head that off reiterating what she said in the conversation.
I get that you wanted to be helpful, but the way you phrased it was very thoughtless. You are, however, very much the jerk for trying to cause conflict between your son and his wife after she shut you down in the first place.
You’re also the jerk for ruining their celebration with your self-centeredness.” feliniaCR
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
A married couple is a unit; if ONE of them feels uncomfortable with you accessing their private home, it can’t work.
Ma’am these are two adults in their first home.
Do you not appreciate they may want privacy? Maybe they want to make snuggle on their sofa (or more) or walk around without clothes or leave their financial papers and letters out.
What were you trying to achieve by asking your son, do you think ‘your partner said no, is very unhappy about the idea of me entering the home, and told me not to ask you, but..’ would get anywhere?
Where did this come from? If they haven’t required you to be their key person in their previous homes, then why would it be needed now? A key with you is not necessary… There are 24-hour locksmiths, key safes they can hide anywhere, if one forgets the key the other will have one, or they can have spares in work or the bank.
That’s assuming in an emergency they don’t just smash a windowpane.
Just a tip, apologize and respect more boundaries. Don’t make them regret moving to the same town as you…
EDIT: So reading the responses – ‘What if they go on holiday and XYZ happens to the house?’ That doesn’t warrant a permanent key with you either.
I’m sure that whenever their next holiday is, they can leave a key temporarily with someone or in an accessible location.” LeviVane
Your husband may be on to something
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