People Want To Be Sure That Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories Are Justifiable
17. AITJ For Not Covering Up My Tattoo?
“I (23F) was invited to my best friend’s wedding this February as her maid of honor. We live in a warmer climate area, and it was supposed to be pretty warm on the day of her wedding so as the date is approaching, she sent out links for the dresses she wants her bridesmaids and maid of honor to wear and mine happened to be a halter topped dress.
Two days ago, the bride, bridesmaids, and I (the maid of honor) all met up at my apartment to try on dresses and get the bride’s judgment on how nice they looked and if she wanted any of us to order a new dress before the date got too close.
When I walked out in the dress the bride had picked out for me, I got a few smiles of approval and she looked happy at first until I did a spin and she pointed out the tattoo I have on my back/shoulder blade area (it goes from my armpit to my spine and goes up near my shoulder).
She ended up telling me that it doesn’t match the ‘aesthetic’ she was going for on her wedding day and I need to start searching for laser removal or find new makeup products to cover it up completely on the day of the wedding.
I told her that it’s super inconvenient to have to smudge makeup on the entire back of my shoulder and I’m not removing a tattoo I’ve had since I was 17 years old just for one day.
I offered to get a dress more like the bridesmaids where it covers my entire back and would cover most to all of the tattoo, but she said I’m just going to have to cover it up because she wants me to wear that dress and that dress only which I completely understand.
She ended up calling me this morning and told me that if I don’t cover it up then I will be kicked out of the wedding completely and I don’t think that’s fair.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is a bridezilla. As a wedding planner by profession, I can confirm.
If you’ve had it since you were 17, then she has always known about it.
She asked you, knowing it existed.
She obviously is fine with bridesmaids all having different dresses, so it isn’t even like she’s married (pardon the pun!) to one exact dress. She has a few perfectly reasonable options here: 1.
let you pick a dress that covers it, 2. shut up, no one will care, 3. hire models to match her ‘aesthetic’ because she obviously only sees bridesmaids as decoration for her wedding and not a bonding experience for having the most important girls in her life as a special part of the day.
If she’s willing to actually kick you out over this, she’s a rotten person and you’ll do well to be far away from her.” Exciting-Head-6644
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, the bride is in the wrong because she wouldn’t work with you, and is crazy to think one laser session is going to get rid of it, or even asking you to permanently remove it is an unreasonable request. You are a little in the wrong only because it’s clear the bride doesn’t want tattoos showing and that is a completely reasonable request, they also make makeup that covers tattoos, for one day it’s ok to now show your tattoo for your friend’s day.” Artist_child
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I know that brides really tend to want things to be a certain way though and it is their day, so I asked my mom (a wedding planner) about the situation.
According to her, it’s actually a common thing, but if the bride feels strongly about it she should pay for the makeup and the makeup artist to do the cover-up for the wedding.
The typical cost she sees for this is $400-$600, so brides sometimes see that and decide it’s actually not that important.” CaffeinatedCM
16. AITJ For Wanting To Spend Less Time With My Husband's Family?
“From the very beginning of my (29f) relationship with my husband (30) until just before the start of the global crisis, we both lived fast pace lives working full-time office jobs in a large major city.
I have always loved the city and city living, but when the crisis began my husband’s career took a setback, and so did his family’s business back in his hometown and his father offered for us both to come work for the family business.
We agreed and moved back home in order to save up some funds and help out.
That was in March 2020. Not knowing what to expect from the global crisis, and also not wanting to commit to a 12-month lease, his parents offered to let us stay in their guest room (which used to belong to my husband).
It was a new experience, but one I was excited about. I come from a small family (just me and my parents) and my husband has 3 younger brothers who all still live at home and work at the family business along with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and everybody.
It was cramped, but they refused to charge us rent so we of course were happy with the cheap accommodations for a temporary time.
It’s been 2 years now and we still live with his parents, and we still work at the family business.
And I very much miss living in the city. Living in a house with 6 others isn’t bad, and I get along with them all, but I admit things have become extremely… repetitive.
For example, we moved 3 hours back to his hometown, and since then I have not found any new friends except for his family and extended family.
This is undoubtedly due to recent circumstances, but it is also because we are never away from his family. Every morning we wake up, eat breakfast all together (as per in-laws’ requests), all carpool to work in 2 separate cars at 8, work until 5, and then all go home and have dinner together (where all we talk about is the work day that we all just worked together.) This goes on 5 days out of the week, and then Saturday mornings the entire extended family comes over for breakfast, and on Sundays before church at 7 am, we all go together (We are not religious, but my husband’s grandfather is the pastor).
Half of the congregation is just his extended family (50 people). Then Sunday night we all meet up for dinner.
It honestly feels like living in a commune almost. Lately, especially during the holidays, it has become almost suffocating.
I have always liked my husband’s family, and maybe this is how large families are usually, but for a long time it was practically just me and my husband, but now we hardly get any alone time together at all.
I confided in him and told him that I didn’t want to spend as much time with his family. Mostly I would like the weekends to ourselves for the most part, and maybe go out to eat just ourselves occasionally.
He claimed that his family would think we are rude to not participate like everyone else and also told me it hurt him that I didn’t enjoy spending time with his family. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
For me, there is a bigger red flag here. I think it’s probably time to have a lifestyle and long-term outlook conversation with your husband and make sure you’re still on the same page.
It’s going on two years now, and from his response, are you sure that your husband isn’t getting too comfortable with this arrangement?
While it’s nice to save funds, it seems like it’s fundamentally important to you to have a robust life that includes more than his family (as it would be for most), and living at home with his parents doesn’t help with that.
If he’s balking at the idea of creating some space to have alone time, I’d be a bit worried that you no longer share lifestyle/long-term goals. Might want to check in to hammer that out and start managing each other’s expectations.” fzooey78
Another User Comments:
“Oh for goodness’ sake! You’ve done this for TWO YEARS! How on earth could he take offense to that? Also, you’re not kids anymore. Spending every waking minute with his folks (whom you also live with), is… frankly… a little weird for people in their 30s (or near 30s).
Plus, for a successful relationship, couples ‘need’ alone time. If he can’t fathom that, there’s something wrong with him (and his over-enmeshment with his family) – not you.
That said, there are ways to introduce this more gradually if it will help him through it.
Try going out to dinner once a week, or taking an outing on the weekend, etc. Tell his family that you need to get back in the swing of being a couple again because you eventually need to move out and ease their burden a bit.
Additionally, very gently challenging your husband’s idea that his family would ‘be hurt’ isn’t a bad plan either. Ask his mom about some of her favorite outings with his father in front of him and remark, ‘Oh, that sounds romantic/fun!’ My guess is that she (or his father) might encourage you to go and try it.
Lots of kids think that their parents’ happiness revolves around spending every minute with them… and lots of times they’re actually wrong! NTJ.” Psychsarepeopletoo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You helped out the family business but it seems like more than work, they want you guys to always be together – I think it’s very reasonable to ask to spend more 1/1 time with your husband.
I can also see that he’s enmeshed with the family and their culture is to spend a lot of time together. I think you are not wrong and he’s not wrong – but the two of you need to figure out if you want to be continuing in this way or maybe consider moving back to the city at some point.
Good luck.” thinkevolution
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband and his family need to respect that you don’t have the same desire as them, that they are not your biological family (for me, it can be much more difficult to live with inlaws even if they’re part of your ‘family’) and that you want some privacy with your husband!
The fact that your husband is not supportive and lets you believe that your in-laws will see you as rude (he can’t know for sure because he didn’t ask) is very selfish and manipulative in my opinion; He dismissed your feelings and your desires and doesn’t take into consideration that you’ve been living with HIS family and by THEIR rules for 2 years now!
It’s 2 years of sacrifices, of being isolated from them, of effacing yourself, having 0 privacy for yourself and your husband, and repressing your desires, to please them.
Now that you’re not feeling well and asking for very reasonable changes, why can’t he make a little effort for you?
You know, as you did for him in the past 2 years.
In fact, I’m impressed that you were ok with that for 2 years now, I think you are very resilient and you can be proud of that, OP!
I have to admit that reading your story made me anxious. LOL; for me, being with that many people all the time and being pressured to do so would be a true nightmare!!” Myvas
15. AITJ For Not Sweeping Seeds Off The Sidewalk?
“I live on a quiet street, bought my house 10 years ago.
Get along fine with my neighbors, we’re not particularly social but we look out for each other and are generally cordial.
Not long ago my doorbell rang in the middle of the day.
I answer it and this lady introduces herself as newly moved in down the street a few houses down. She asked me if I wouldn’t mind sweeping up the seeds from the sidewalk in front of my house because it makes it ‘difficult to walk her dogs’.
The tree in question pretty consistently drops a fair amount of these very small seed pods on the sidewalk between my house and my next-door neighbor’s house. We’re talking about 5 feet of sidewalk.
I also have 3 dogs and have been walking them down this street for years, they just walk right over them, pretty straightforward. Even if it is somehow causing an issue for her, it’s pretty simple to sidestep it for 3 seconds and walk around it.
I work from home and was in the middle of a very busy day so I was admittedly not fully stocked on patience. I told her as much and pointed out that the tree is actually on my neighbor’s property so if she wants she can take it up with them.
She told me she knocked but they didn’t answer so she was asking me to do it.
For a brief moment, I considered being nice and just going out to do it but I just had a feeling that would set an expectation with her that I would do it every day which I certainly wasn’t willing to do.
So I politely told her I had to get back to work and that she should discuss it with the neighbors who own the tree when they got home. She seemed borderline shocked that I wasn’t dropping everything to go broom a few feet of sidewalk to solve her vaguely described and in my opinion, pretty non-existent problem.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are 100% correct that if you had gone out and swept it once, she’d be at your door every day asking you to do it. Have to nip things like that in the bud.
Also, your new neighbor seems very entitled to assume that just because the property owner isn’t home, their neighbor (whom she’s never met) will immediately drop everything and go cater to her wishes.
She’s going to be fun going forward.” devGirl009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if the issue is in front of your property, you might be civilly liable if someone slips and falls. Check your area’s bylaws, there are plenty of cities and towns that require people to keep the sidewalk free of debris and especially snow, and will fine homeowners who don’t clear the sidewalks (obviously not responsible for cracks/defects that the city needs to repair).” mybadreputation1970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Begin as you mean to go on. Your response was entirely appropriate and correct: It’s not your tree, you’re not the correct person to ask. And if you’d done it, she’d expect you to do it again, and probably also additional things.
I have an ‘if you give a mouse a cookie’ neighbor and I learned I have to say no to just about everything beyond what I think are reasonable neighbor things (e.g., run over to grab an Amazon delivery and lock it in my garage for them if it arrives when they’re out of town).” ADawg28
14. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Mom For Disrespecting My Little Sister?
“My (16M) sister (14F) is only a teen so she’s starting to get acne.
My mum who is MILDLY autistic has banned my sister from EATING AT THE DINNER TABLE WITH US. My mum says she finds acne gross and one of her ‘triggers’ and she can’t eat while someone with acne is sitting in front of her.
My sister’s acne ain’t even that bad but she’s cried a couple of times because of this and mum makes her go shopping with her while mum buys a ton of acne products, lobbing them in the basket and saying ‘oh you need this blah blah blah oh yeah this will be useful for you.’ It almost makes me properly angry whenever I’m with them and makes me want to shout in her face right there in the shop, my mum is just coming off as rude and narcissistic to me.
My sister is now always insecure and sometimes has her hood up even around me because she ‘doesn’t want me to think she’s ugly’ when as I said, she hardly has any acne.
Sure, let’s say my mum really can’t help it and would projectile vomit her food if the mere presence of someone with acne was there while she ate, but she could eat HER dinner later and not send my sister to her room.
She doesn’t have to straight up tell her she finds it disgusting and be so rude about it.
My mum now eats alone anyway because I eat with my sister in her room because I feel so bad, this is completely my mum’s fault in my opinion.
It’s just the way she says it, not in a mean insulting way but an inconsiderate disgusted way, if you get what I mean. At one point I just snapped I guess, nothing out of her usual comments took place but I said if she can’t deal with teens having acne, then why would she have kids?
I called her a bad word and she started crying, I did almost feel bad for her but considering how she’s made my sister feel, I’m not even sure if I took my comments too far or not, so I’m just gonna ask here if I’m a jerk.
Sorry, this is turning into a rant, but my sister is a cute girl, and even when I tell her that it doesn’t help and it’s sad to see her so insecure and upset.
I don’t think my mum is trying to hurt her, to be honest, part of the reason I feel slightly guilty is that she also has zero empathy. Also, I know a bunch of kids with autism, they’re super nice and they sometimes say stuff a little rude but not bad enough to take notice, what my mum is doing is taking a toll on my sister’s mental health though.
I know this may sound arrogant of me but I’m blaming my mum’s lack of empathy and borderline narcissism. I swear, to me, this seems to have pretty much nothing to do with autism, the ‘trigger’ maybe, but not the way she treats her kid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are a wonderful person for eating with your sister and showing her that you care. Something your mom should do, instead of making it worse for your poor sister.
Acne SUCKS, especially at the age we usually get it. Friends and enemies at school can be cruel. We sure don’t need our PARENTS to pile on.
Depending on where you live, can you get your sister somewhere to talk to someone?
Even if it’s a doctor to tell her that acne is normal and something that goes away? Maybe show her some celeb pics of early acne days on famous and good-looking people?
I hope your mom might wisen up before she loses her kids over her behavior.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mom’s behavior is atrocious and you finally snapped. Now, that should be enough for your mom to do some introspection and think about why she’s saying these things so often.
Your mom’s autism doesn’t make her a jerk, and autistic people are able to learn what is hurtful and what isn’t and adjust their behavior. Maybe your mom’s mom made fun of her acne at that age, or maybe somebody at school bullied your mom, it’s hard to say where she developed this.
Maybe a productive thing (depending on your mom and what she responds to) would be to apologize for snapping at her and saying those things, but also let her know that how she’s handling your sister’s acne is terrible and that she needs to fix her behavior about it.” changerofbits
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good for you for being such an amazing brother! And please show this to your sister. I’m a licensed esthetician, and I specifically work with teens dealing with hormonal acne.
It is 110% NORMAL! There is nothing disgusting about it. Your body is growing and changing and all those fluctuating hormones and a myriad of other factors cause acne.
I have had clients with mild acne and clients with severe acne and never once have I thought they look disgusting in any way.
Their bodies are going through normal changes just like yours is. This is an issue with your mom, she’s the one who needs help here. Please consider talking to a trusted adult or counselor.
What she’s doing is not okay and she needs another adult to call her out on it. Sending you both love and light.” lildraggies
13. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Leave Her Dog At Her House?
“My partner (29F) and I (28M) are both consensually non-monogamous. She lives with her partner of 7 years and his partner. K (my partner) has a dog with her other partner that she has shared responsibility for.
Most of the time I visit her at her house. She lets her dog on the bed and I respect how things are done while I’m at her house.
I have a dog of my own.
But she is older and better trained. K’s dog is loud, barks at everything, likes to pee on my bed, prefers to sleep on my bed (my dog is trained to sleep in her own bed), and likes to leave presents around my house.
We’ve tried her staying at my house a few times but she has a hard time adjusting.
K’s other partner (M) got sick so K is staying at my house until she can return.
I agreed to K staying at my house but not her dog. When I arrived from work, to see her and her dog at my house I asked ‘oh she didn’t stay at your house with M?’
K expressed wanting her dog with her. Which I get.
My dog doesn’t like K’s dog. She will tolerate her but my dog is much older.
K’s dog kept barking loudly and aggressively throughout my trying to teach and do meetings today.
So finally I asked if the dog could stay at K’s house. She said I was being insensitive that M and possibly his other partner were sick and couldn’t take care of the dog.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not obligated to accept a poorly trained dog that isn’t even reliably housebroken into your home, even temporarily. Particularly when that dog has a home where its behavior is, apparently, not a problem.
I am all for ethical non-monogamy amongst consenting adults, that’s not at all a problem in my eyes but I want you to really think about whether or not this woman’s lack of responsibility & sense of entitlement when it comes to the dog is present in other ways.” rapt2right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. K’s dog causes problems for your dog and shouldn’t be at your house. K can either accept that and be grateful you’re even letting her stay with you or she and the dog both can go back to her house.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She disregarded your request for your own house and your pet. She knows how her dog acts.
You setting boundaries for your space is not being insensitive. If she can’t cope with your boundaries, she can find somewhere else to stay.
Don’t let anyone disrespect you like this.” Jazzberry555
12. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Caring For My Sick Sibling?
“I have a sister with sickle cell disease. She had a child with a man who isn’t in her life anymore. As such, I now have the responsibility of taking care of her and her child.
Now she gets sick once in a while, but over recent months, it’s increased. She doesn’t sleep at night. She’s always watching shows till 6 am and then wants me to take care of her baby in the morning when she doesn’t want to get up.
She leaves all the house chores to me. She only cooks once in a while as her only form of exercise. When she goes to the hospital, I take care of her child, feed him, change him, bathe him, and clean up the house.
She then comes back and the house gets trashed again, and she calls my name to help her with every single thing (I mean by the minute).
So today I decided not to help her anymore because I am 26.
I have to start working towards having my own family and she has to be able to stand on her own feet. Although I am the youngest brother, I feel I’ve aged quite a lot.
It’s so bad, seeing their faces increases my depression. There’s a lot more to the story, but I kept it short, but am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Look up ‘caregiver burnout.’ This is a real disorder and is something that you are showing symptoms of.
Any caregivers are going to tell you that you primarily need to take care of yourself first. If you don’t do that, you can’t take care of anybody else.
It is not your job to take care of your sister and her child.
If she’s unable to care for her child, then call the authorities.
You need to set a limit and decide what you are able to provide. You are not to blame if you can’t provide what they need. And if you have been doing too much for too long, Then it is natural for you to hit a point where you can’t provide anything to anybody else because you’re spent.
It’s not easy to accept your own limitations sometimes. But you deserve to have your own life and be happy. And once you get there you can reevaluate what you might be able to give to other people.
But you’ve got to get yourself in a better place first.
For yourself, you need to extract yourself from the situation.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re not going to be able to coach her into being responsible, it’s something she’s going to have to learn on her own once you stop enabling her.
Give her a move-out date a few months from now, she has not treated your hospitality very well.” Escape_Overlander
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is not looking out for her health very well.
She is probably going into crisis more often because of her self-neglect. She needs to be doing it for herself.
As for her child, regardless that the father is no longer in her life he is still responsible for the child and should be watching it or making arrangements for the child when your sister is hospitalized. That is not your responsibility.
It’s really sweet that you’ve been helping but you are enabling her toward learned helplessness. She needs to apply for social programs to help with her needs and do as much as she can herself before she becomes completely disabled and becomes incapable of mothering her child altogether.
You are a good brother but by making her take better care of herself by doing more and not enabling her you would be a better brother.” ArkieRN
11. AITJ For Telling My Wife And Mother-In-Law To Stop Being Paranoid?
“My wife has a great heart.
So does my mother-in-law. They wouldn’t hurt a fly, mean well, and are extremely cognizant of others’ feelings. They are both also ultra anxious (which my wife will not consistently treat even though she constantly attributes her behavior to the condition).
My wife doesn’t work, she’s a stay-at-home mother by both of our choices. I love that she is home raising our 7-month-old son and wouldn’t change a thing about that.
My mother-in-law is a nurse who works in the NICU and basically takes care of premature and super sick babies all day every day. I think this has scarred her in ways and has contributed to her paranoia as far as our son is concerned.
Back to my work situation. I work a decent job and have a side gig to supplement the income that my wife might make if she were to work part-time. We just bought a house, as first-time home buyers, and naturally, money is tight since then.
Recently, our son has been sick basically since Christmas. He was diagnosed with a double ear infection last week, his first real sickness since his birth in May 2021.
This is where the problems have arisen:
He was diagnosed with ear infections about a week ago. He has antibiotics and has improved drastically. As far as I have seen, which is basically only early mornings and from 5 pm to his bedtime, he has improved, is happy, and acts like himself.
He is a super super happy baby and I’ve seen nothing different the last few days.
My mother-in-law is a sweet lady and is an expert in her field, which is focused on helping new moms breastfeed. However, she constantly diagnoses our child with things, freaks us out with worst-case scenarios and diagnoses, and has convinced my wife (who again is super anxious by nature) to take our baby to the ER 3 times in the last week while I am at work.
They have been sent home with no health issues all 3 times, meanwhile, I am out nearly $2k in copays and tests.
As I said, I have a decent job and in total make around $4000 a month after taxes.
It’s enough to live but I cannot afford all of these visits and it’s not the first time this has happened. My wife was sent to the ER three times during her pregnancy because her mother convinced her she was septic, then said she was in early labor twice, in separate instances.
All 3 ‘diagnoses’ were incorrect.
I finally told my wife and mother-in-law that they need to relax and stop defaulting to the ER for every situation. I told my mother-in-law to stop diagnosing my child because she’s not a doctor.
I’m upset about spending funds we don’t have on these visits and both of them are offended by my requests, and my wife is especially angry about my asking her mother to back off.
They’re treating me like I’m crazy and don’t care about my son’s health. I care about him more than anything and don’t feel the ER is the solution for every cough, sneeze, or ache.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are so many options besides going to the ER. Many pediatricians can be reached for questions, or have a line where you can call to speak to a nurse.
Urgent care. You can get a quick telehealth consultation for a small copay. It can be comforting to get small questions asked for sure, but you can’t go to the ER every time you notice anything off with your baby.
If they’ve gone to the ER three times in a week with no diagnosis, there is clearly a problem with their decision-making. I think in addition to speaking to your MIL you need to have a serious conversation with your wife about getting into therapy and also getting evaluated for post-partum anxiety.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife and MIL are probably putting your son at higher risk by even going to the ER right now. Hospitals are begging people to seek alternative treatment unless it is life-threatening.
We are dealing with the worst surge of health issues yet and your wife wants to bring your baby to the ER where all those people are going?! Maybe explain that to her to at least deter her from going there.
This is what pediatricians are for, and they have a doctor always on call to take urgent questions. That is where your baby should be going if there is something wrong.
The bigger issue is convincing your wife to get help for her anxiety.
It can be hard, but I believe you need to be firm on this.” becmurr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the ER is definitely not the best place at all… it is full of germs and the doctors there cannot give continuity of care.
You would do much better to find a family practice with an urgent care attached (more able to get same-day sick appointments) that works with your insurance. Then kiddo would have the benefit of being seen by the same group of physicians all the time which will help them spot anything out of the ordinary.
It will also give mom the benefit of reassurance when the kiddo isn’t feeling well. There would also be the benefit that your costs would be cut considerably because it would likely only be a co-pay for most visits and occasionally a test or two.” Dragonr0se
10. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Sister-In-Law's Child?
“My (26 female) daughter (11 female) and I live in North Carolina but decided to come down to where my parents live to see my newborn niece. When I said I was coming down with my daughter, everyone was glad to hear the news and even cleaned the house; preparing to see us.
I was so happy about the baby and she was such a blessing but a couple of weeks go by and I had to start work again which means I won’t be able to babysit my niece much during the weekdays.
My sister-in-law said this was ok and I thought nothing of it.
A couple more weeks go by and my brother is acting like a jerk. He’s refusing to take care of the baby and help his SO and she’s always so tired. He doesn’t work and they have to eat the food my mother makes.
I felt bad so I was going to take shorter naps so I could help my sister-in-law with the baby. Keep in mind I’m asking her if she needs help with the baby and she’s not asking me.
Then my brother moves to north Carolina to see his friend not even caring about the baby or his SO.
My sister-in-law asks me to help with the baby and I kindly refused by telling her I work nightshifts and I’m very tired but I could see if my mom was gonna help.
She is really mad saying she’s a young mom (21 female). I tell her that it isn’t my fault she had a baby at a young age. She yells at me telling me I’m ignorant for not helping her and that I should quit nightshifts to help her.
I kindly tell her if I worked dayshifts instead I still couldn’t help with the baby. She left the baby in the crib while she rested and the baby was crying all night and said if I helped her everyone else could have slept.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, she may be suffering postpartum depression, but it’s not your responsibility to take care of her child, especially when you have your own child to take care of.
It sounds like you really need to head back home as soon as possible and leave it to the people living there – just let them know you’re worried about your SIL having potential post-partum depression, and that she should talk to her doctor about it.” reddit_insane_inane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your brother sure is. It is not your responsibility to provide childcare for your brother and SIL’s baby, especially when the baby’s father has essentially abandoned the family and his responsibilities.
He has no job! It should be his job to care for his own child. Your SIL needs to deal with her husband, not you. You have your own life, your own child, and your own responsibilities and you are not obligated to care for a baby that apparently your SIL and brother had no interest in actually parenting.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not your baby. She seriously thinks that you should not work so you can take care of her baby. It’s not your baby! And 21 is not that young.
She’s legally an adult and can buy booze, so she can handle taking care of the baby she birthed. If she doesn’t want to take care of the baby then that’s fine; adoption is an option.” CemeteryDweller7719
9. AITJ For Walking Out On Dinner?
“My (f31) husband (32m), child (7m) and I always sit and eat dinner at the dining table every night.
For years now whenever my husband is talking, about his day, anything he finds interesting and wants to share he will stop talking and refuse to continue if he gets interrupted. Now I can understand if it was someone interrupting with a whole new conversation etc or just obviously not paying attention, however, the interruptions are either me helping our child eat or reminding our son to eat something other than bread (like the actual food I’ve made) or me having to tell the dog to stop nibbling at my legs or slippers.
These ‘interruptions’ are usually quietly spoken and very short. i.e ‘stop’ (to the dog), ‘eat your meat/veg/rice’, and ‘no more bread’.
I am able to listen to what he’s saying and do this at the same time and have even proved it when challenged word for word with what he has said.
However, he will then say there’s no point and not carry on and sit in silence and make the whole dinner feel awkward and uncomfortable. If anyone tried to speak or talk to someone else he will sigh really loudly and have an annoyed look on his face.
I have spoken to him several times saying we’re not disrespecting him or trying to be rude. That I am able to listen to him and help our child/stop the dog at the same time.
He says he finds it rude and that I don’t listen to him nor do I make eye contact to show I’m listening.
So I am having dinner with my husband and son this evening and it’s happened again.
I’d had enough and got up and took my plate into the kitchen to eat alone without feeling uncomfortable.
I could hear he was struggling with our child and the dog but I stayed in the kitchen.
He went to bed straight after dinner. I feel bad for doing it but I’m so fed up with being made to feel like I’m being told off every mealtime this happens.
So, did I overreact? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ironically, your husband is not only being unrealistic and childish to expect your undivided and rapt attention without even a moment’s distraction for however long he goes on, when there is a small child and a pet to be attended to as well as your own meal to be eaten, HE’S BEING RUDE.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be listened to; that’s perfectly reasonable. But his expectation that you center him in a manner that shows some sort of rapt devotion (eyes on him at all times, not acknowledging your small child’s needs despite it being a mealtime and needing to ensure that your child eats) is weirdly egocentric and self-absorbed and indicates that he puts his own egotistical WANTS above the NEEDS of the family as a whole.
You’re NTJ, but your husband really is.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but please stop eating all together. It’s not hard for a 7-year-old to go from ‘when I don’t eat my vegetables, mommy interrupts daddy to tell me to eat them and daddy gets angry at mommy’ to ‘if I don’t eat all my vegetables, daddy gets angry’.
This could give your son a really messed up relationship with food, and make him want to eat in the ‘perfect’ way so daddy doesn’t get angry.
Those interruptions are necessary. You can’t avoid them.
Your son and dog can’t wait. You also can’t make eye contact when you need to watch your son or the dog and get food onto your fork. His demands are unreasonable so the only thing you can do is remove yourself and your son from the situation.
Either by leaving completely or eating separately from your husband.” TheGreenPangolin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Sitting at the table as a family is a wonderful time for the family to chat and catch up on the goings on of the day.
It seems like hubby wants to be the only one who not only speaks but wants a spellbound, hanging on his every word, nothing else matters, don’t you dare interrupt me, audience. A conversation is a give and take and hubby just wants to give and then pouts like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way.
You both need to have a serious talk about this and I mean serious. He needs to understand that he is acting childishly and if he continues you will walk away. He is disrespecting not only your feelings but that of your son who will catch on that he can’t ever speak to his dad at the table.
If the talk goes south then I suggest couples counseling. What he is doing is not ok.” Diamond-TTB
8. AITJ For Not Paying My Neighbors Who Were Feeding My Cat?
“So I (51F) am friendly with my next-door neighbors Rachel and Vic (about the same age as me) partially because of our respectively 16 and 17-year-old kids going to school together. We take care of each other’s houses during vacations, bring each other homemade food on holidays, check up on the other’s sick kid if the parent is at work, etc. Generally, both have been nothing but kind to me, and my daughter.
My cat Brownie likes to go outside and wander around the neighborhood. She has a collar with my information and a bell and is welcome to come and go as she pleases with a cat door in my kitchen.
During her time outside, she tends to visit neighbors’ houses and nap there, get fed, petted, etc. I’m okay with this, and the neighbors adore her and treat her well. A frequent spot is at Rachel and Vic’s, and they tell me often how they love Brownie’s visits and send me pictures of Brownie sleeping in their kitchen, or eating some cat food.
Recently, while I was talking with Vic at a block party (Rachel was at work), he mentioned how Brownie was costing him an arm and a leg. I thought he was kidding, so I laughed and made a joke of paying him and Rachel $5,000 for the care and feeding of my cat.
He got serious and told me that it wouldn’t even begin to cover the costs, and he wants me to pay him 10k. I asked if he was joking, and he said he was being serious, and I was being a cheap leech allowing them to take care of my cat without compensation.
I said I don’t have any control over what Brownie does, or where he goes, but if they were struggling, I was more than happy to loan them a few hundred dollars to help them out.
Vic laughed, and he told me to keep my cat under control and to pay the 10k by next week, or I’d be sued. I refused, and the argument got heated til I had enough and just left. Later, Rachel called and said she heard Vic had talked to me, apologized if he was rude, but still insisted I pay them 10,000 dollars.
I told her no, and her voice got cold and said that I’d be hearing from a lawyer.
AITJ for refusing to pay them?
EDIT: I know it sounds absolutely bonkers, but it’s true.
I’ll be limiting my interaction with Rachel and Vic going forward. I also await the strange lawyer who would for some reason take on their case. As for Brownie, some people expressed worry about cars or the bird population.
We live in a quiet neighborhood that is out of the way and filled with pets and children, so everyone knows to drive cautiously, and Brownie is not much of a hunter. Just in case, I do have a loud bell on her collar.
Many people pointed out Brownie could be held for ransom, so Brownie will also be stuck inside with a locked cat door for at least a week or two, much to her dismay.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but it might be time to keep your cat inside if this is becoming an issue. No lawyer with any clout will take this case unless your neighbors can somehow prove it’s costing them the same amount as a decently used car to feed one cat.
You offered to pay them back and it sounds like they pulled a random number out of their butt. Unless they are feeding your cat kobe beef and caviar, $10,000 to feed a cat is insane, even if it is over the course of a few years.
Most estimates (according to Google), say it barely costs $350 a year to feed one cat. And that’s if it doesn’t have special dietary restrictions.
Either they are really bad at math or they saw a way to make some bucks and it backfired.” lunapeachie
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There is no way your cat is costing them that huge amount, not to mention they are under no obligation to feed it.
You, however, are the worst kind of cat owner.
The reason people’s foundations reek of cat pee in the summer and their dogs get sick from eating cat crap in their own yards or are losing their ever-loving minds in the house as your cat gleefully torments them from outside.
I’d be willing to bet that if you actually surveyed your neighbors, there are plenty who don’t ‘just adore’ it.
This doesn’t even begin to address the safety issues that could arise for your cat, no matter how safe or quiet you consider your neighborhood to be.
Keep your pets in your own yard where they belong.” Strict-Hamster5437
7. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Has To Pay For The Food?
“My roommate (21F) has an internship at a company that offers many benefits, one of them being a work-from-home budget of $200, which she used to buy a monitor for herself. After work, we sometimes watch movies on this monitor because it is the biggest screen at our place.
(My roommate would’ve watched these movies regardless of whether I was watching them with her, and invited me because she did not want to watch them alone, which is perfectly fine with me, and I enjoy it.)
I (20F) also have an internship at a company with my benefit being $25 off on Uber Eats every Friday. When I told her about this, she was very excited. However, I told her that I will use the discount to get what I want and she can use the remaining discount amount for whatever she wants and to pay for the rest of her food herself (for example, if I get a burger worth $15, and she also gets one worth $15, she would have to pay for the $5 of her food that is not being covered by the discount).
What she wants us to do, using that example, is use the $25 for the $30 bill and then pay $2.5 each for the remaining amount. (Again, this is just an example, the bill is usually much higher) I told her that it was not fair since I’m the one working for the company and I should be able to use the discount completely and that I was being generous by letting her use it when I could just order two meals and eat one the next day.
She got mad at me and started talking about how I use her monitor and that’s why she is entitled to my discount. I pointed out to her, that I never use her monitor for myself, and I only join her when she herself is watching something.
Now she’s pretty curt with me and even though she says everything is fine, she barely talks to me anymore, and this is making me feel pretty sad because she’s one of my best friends and I feel guilty, so AITJ for asking her to pay when I’m not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is your benefit and it is a consumable. You looking at something on the monitor doesn’t mean less monitor for her. You could get more food for yourself but you are sharing with her instead.
She’s lucky you are even doing that.
Be sure that this won’t cause you to lose your job though. Check the small print. If every Friday you always use the whole benefit but it is obvious you are getting two entrees/burgers/etc, you don’t want this to be an issue if the company ever audits.” SuperLoris
Another User Comments:
“I actually think YTJ. If this was just your roommate, fair enough. But it’s a cheap and crappy way to treat ‘one of your best friends’.
Is $2.50 really worth losing a friendship over?
Would you rather have 2 meals to yourself and no friends?
Her monitor has nothing to do with it, and she only mentioned it because she’s embarrassed and she doesn’t have words for how insulted she feels.
Your behavior would be cheap even if she didn’t let you use the monitor. But because she mentioned the monitor, you said you ‘only watch the movies because she invites you’. No one wants to feel like you are doing them a favor by hanging out with them.
She’s not annoyed about her monitor; she’s found out that she thought she had a friendship, but you’ve been seeing it as transactional. You literally want her to pay so that she can join you for dinner, otherwise, you’ll just eat two meals alone.
Because it will be alone after you insulted her like this.
Let me give you a different example. My brother had a friend who worked for a music festival and she would get a free ticket if she sold 10 tickets.
So she sold them to their friend group. Everyone expected that they would all split the reduced ticket price among all 11 of them, but she kept her free ticket and they all paid full price.
It really soured the friendship. You know why? It’s not because she got a free ticket and they had to pay. It’s because she got her free ticket because she sold them theirs.
They could have bought it on their own, and she would have had to work hard to find 10 strangers to actually sell it to. Instead, she invited her friends, pretending she wanted the company.
She used her friends to get a free ticket. It’s not technically wrong but it’s cheap and they felt disrespected.
If your roommate was constantly ordering super expensive meals and taking advantage of you, I would make her pay the difference.
But if it’s even then why don’t you want to share your perk with ‘one of your best friends’? Would you really want every last penny of a discount instead of the chance to share a nice meal with a good friend, for pennies?
Are you really taking the line ‘I’m the one who’s earned the discount’ with ‘one of your best friends’? Girl, you are working at an internship that gives you money off Uber Eats to distract from the fact that their employees get no rights.
You ain’t better than her. After the internship ends, she will probably get to keep her monitor; and you will have nothing but a lost friendship.
People will hate on me and tell you that you’re not the jerk because they are obsessed with whose property it is, so let me make this clear, you have every right to keep your discount to yourself.
But your roommate also has every right to feel how she wants about it, and not to want to pay for the privilege of hanging out with you. If someone did this to me it would leave a really sour taste in my mouth.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your roommate is being childish and petty. She had a pretty good deal there and should be thankful you’re sharing your benefit with her.
Let’s look at this in raw dollars.
She spent $200 on a monitor. If we (generously to her) assign you half of the benefit, that’s at most $100 you’re responsible for.
If she uses $12.50 of your benefit each week, she catches up to that $100 in 8 weeks.
If she wants to nickel and dime you, tell her that her benefit ends after 8 weeks and you don’t have to watch anything on the monitor and just watch stuff on your own.
Or she could just get over herself, and accept your very generous offer to share your benefits on your terms.” sympathy4deviledeggs
6. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Accept That Our Mom Has Moved On?
“My (26F) parents spilt 7 years ago after my dad had an affair and made my little sister (now 19) keep it secret for years.
My parent’s relationship was never good (not horrendous or anything, but they didn’t make each other feel loved) and now, after a literal lifetime of feeling unattractive and worthless, my mum has met an amazing man who adores her, thinks she’s the most beautiful thing in the world and wants to marry her (they’ve been together for a year).
My dad, on the other hand, is still VERY single and would definitely get back with mum if she allowed it.
My sister, despite the hurt she experienced as a kid, can’t get over the fact that dad is alone, and she blames mum’s partner for the fact that they’re still split, even though mum is significantly happier without dad and has made that clear.
She seriously dislikes mum’s partner. She’s been away all year so she doesn’t actually know him at all, but still, she can’t stand him and has made numerous comments about how ‘he’s at the house too often’, and ‘he never leaves our family alone.’
It came to a head recently when we were talking and the idea came up that, given their age, an engagement is very likely on the horizon. Well, little sister packed a massive sad and started ranting about how much that would suck, at which point I snapped and essentially told her that mum’s happiness (after a lifetime of marital loneliness) is actually significantly more important than her fantasy world of mum getting back with her terrible ex.
I told her to******* up and make ****** sure she didn’t ruin this for mum because of her own selfish desire to have a perfect, unbroken family, especially since there’s no possible way for her dream to come true.
AITJ in this situation? I’ve been super patient up to this point, but the gentle approach didn’t seem to be working.
EDIT: My concern is that her attitude will overshadow what should be an amazing second chance for my mum, and she won’t realize that until too late, then will regret it forever.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I am concerned about your sister and her glorification of the ‘unbroken family’. If it were me, I’d suggest she go to therapy because what your father did to her – forcing her to keep such a dreadful secret – can do so much damage.
It looks to me like he fostered a codependent relationship with her so that she can’t be happy unless he’s happy, and that’s a horrible trap to be in – and to be unaware of.
You have every right to be annoyed with her response to your mother’s happiness, but if your dad was willing to screw your mom over with someone on the side, willing to push her to keep a secret about the affair… he’s not blameless in this, and it’s likely taken a toll on her mental health.
She needs a counselor.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I sympathize with your sister’s grief but agree with you that she does not have the right to have your mother give up a chance at happiness to soothe her sadness.
She’s allowed to have her emotional reaction but if she loves your mom she does need to learn to tolerate the guy and appreciate that he is making your mom happy. That said, while you are 100% right and in a good position as a big sib to drop some truth bombs, do go a little easy on her.
She’s still young, at an age where people are often more self-centered than they realize, and the sort of manipulation your dad put her through can do some pretty lasting damage. That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate bad behavior from her, though.” neobeguine
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here/no jerks here, but I don’t want to hold it against anyone. Both of you seem to have been set up to react like this. Your sister was blackmailed by your dad as a very young child, and with the age difference, you were almost an adult while she was still little – you are both seeing this from very different perspectives.
She is experiencing something she was threatened with and might fear losing her family.
I feel like, if you want any advice: all of you need to sit down. Her passive aggressiveness isn’t helping, and everyone needs to talk about this, with and without your mom’s partner.
It is wonderful that she found someone new, but if you are all close, this might be necessary. There is a lot of fear in your sister’s words, and even therapy, alone, cannot solve some of these.
Therapy is always a starting point.
Not knowing him may be a big part of the issue. Her previous parental figure has pretty much mistreated her and she still believes everything can be okay – it is delusional, but also understandable.
She truly believes that. And if this is the first relationship and they marry after a year, she is obviously terrified.
You, as an older teen, understand the entire gravity, and now as an adult trying to protect your mom, are more or less doing the same thing.
You BOTH are trying to protect your family. A good indicator is if she dives into childish behavior. It’s childhood trauma, and that is a beast to deal with.
Honestly, I wish both of you the best, but don’t tackle this on your own.
Sit down, and talk about what she is feeling. It may not work, but it’s the best shot you got.
I am also a bit stumbling at the wording – ‘our’ family. Are you one hundred percent sure this includes your dad?
I am, unfortunately, speaking from a lot of experience here. Stuff like this is hard, no matter how old you get. A man marrying my mom I’ve never really met before would, even at 22, be scary, even if there was a reasonable part of me saying it is the best for her.
Mostly because I wouldn’t want her hurt again.
INFO: How many years are we talking about when you mention keeping this infidelity a secret? If not treated in therapy, forcing a very young child to do so will leave tremendous hurt and trauma.” ILikeSealsALot
5. AITJ For Kicking Out A Guy For Peeing In My Shower?
“I’d been out a few times with this guy and he slept over at my apartment the first time last night. In the morning I said I was gonna run a shower and make some coffee for us, he should join me for the shower.
He got in first and I went to start the coffee machine, and then joined him. And he was peeing in my shower?!?! It doesn’t even have good water pressure to wash it down so the pee was just lingering on the ground near his feet.
I told him to stop peeing and get out and he kept peeing!?! And said everyone does it. I said no I don’t, I don’t wanna be standing in urine, my bathroom stinks now, he needs to get out.
He said he wanted to shower and I told him no, he needs to leave.
He got out and I told him to put on his clothes and go, and he was belligerent about that, saying I was uptight.
I said that I just think peeing should be private in general, I don’t wanna come into a shower expecting to get frisky and see him pee! If he’s gotta pee he should close the door instead of doing it when he knows I’m coming right in!
And also the only place he should be peeing in my apartment is in the toilet. Like who raised you, dude?
Anyway he was acting really argumentative and I ended up saying that I didn’t want to argue, I had work in an hour and a half, and he needed to leave.
Because I said so and it’s my apartment. I know I was sounding like a kindergarten teacher but I was fed up with how he didn’t respect the simple thing of ‘don’t pee in view of the girl you’re trying to impress and don’t pee on things that aren’t her toilet in full view’.
He sent me some texts later saying I was being a real jerk, he had to go to work unclean and without breakfast because I didn’t let him finish using the shower, and that I kicked him out after we’d planned to have breakfast together and he didn’t have the time to go home and cook before work.
I feel like I might be the jerk for not at least letting him finish the shower? But I still think what he did was super nasty and ignorant and who even thinks that’s something appropriate to do to someone you (presumably) want to stay at all attracted to you?
AITJ for kicking out this guy who peed in my shower?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Honestly, you majorly overreacted. There is no way you could have smelled diluted urine from the shower. If you walked into the bathroom and your bathroom smelled like urine, you should probably clean your toilet.
There’s more chance of it coming from that than his one pee in the shower with the water running.
If you don’t appreciate or like that he peed in your shower, you could have communicated it, and had an adult conversation.
Instead, you threw your toys out of the pram and had a tantrum. Yes, it may be your apartment, your things, your space, blah blah but you acted like a child.
Had you not been ready to join him in the shower, you wouldn’t have known.
It is extremely common for people to pee in the shower. I sure hope you don’t go swimming! Tons of people pee in there too!” _mamallama8
Another User Comments:
“Putting the preference to pee or not pee in the shower aside…
Maybe just a tad bit jerk about the situation itself… you practically kicked out a person for peeing in the shower. You need to understand that he genuinely probably didn’t think much about the situation, and the thought that this would offend you would have never crossed his mind.
With that said – my vote is still NTJ in the sense that it is your shower, and you should have the right to say whether someone can or cannot pee in the shower.
If you had let the man finish his business and had a calm conversation afterward about how that is something you’re not ok with, I’d 100% vote NTJ. But in my opinion, I think your reaction to the situation was a bit abrupt.
He’s probably hurt that he literally got booted out of the house for something he didn’t think was significant, in his POV. In your POV, it is. And that’s just a communication/compromise issue.” Away_Albatross2797
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The dude didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. The morning was going great. You saw him do something that is normal to like 50% of the population and flipped out.
He reacted to your negative energy.
An adult would just not join him in the shower, wait til it drains, then take a shower. And somewhere in there, have a conversation about boundaries, like ‘please don’t pee in front of me again.’ The whole thing did not need to turn into an argument.
And I get it, your place, your rules. So set the rules like a mature adult. Throwing away a possible romance over something this insignificant seems like a waste. Comfortable enough to be exposed and sweaty, but ew pee pee…
And like everyone else says, snake your drain. Don’t blame your landlord. Nag the landlord. Keep records. Call a plumber and have them mail the landlord a bill. Or just go to Home Depot and buy an auger, they aren’t expensive.
You could even call your dude back up and ask if he wants to help you clear the drain so he can pee when you aren’t in the shower with him. Would be a funny olive branch.” entity330
4. AITJ For Not Doing Genetic Counseling?
“After having chronic pain and issues my entire life, I (late 20s f) finally was diagnosed with a progressive genetic disorder a couple of years ago. When I discovered it was genetic, I started asking around my family to see if I could trace what side it was passed down on and gather some more information (at the doctor’s suggestion).
I have always known I do not want children so I didn’t bother with the genetic counseling sessions that were offered (it would have been another few hours after going through a week’s worth of testing to get diagnosed and I just wanted to go home).
I told my older brother (30) about my diagnosis and gave him some information. I mentioned that I had declined genetic counseling to learn more about how it could be passed down if I had kids because I don’t want any but mentioned it was suggested that he should get tested to see if he has it (it presents to different extremes in everyone, mine is an extreme case.
He has some minor symptoms that may be due to this disorder but nothing close to what I’m experiencing so we aren’t sure).
My brother did not do so and is now expecting his first child with SIL.
My SIL reached out to ask me questions about how it could be passed down to her child and I informed her I didn’t do the session.
My brother and SIL demanded I schedule the session and give them information.
The session would be out of pocket (not covered by insurance) and at a clinic that is a 3-hour one-way drive away from me. I am currently recovering from surgery (due to the disorder) and have no plans to go to the clinic until next fall for my annual check.
I refused and said my brother should start by doing the b***d test to see if it’s even an issue and then he could pay for the counseling if he wants it.
Now I have a bunch of family members telling me I’m a jerk for not doing it for my unborn niece or nephew. I’m wondering if I am the jerk because I had the opportunity to do it and knew my brother wanted to have kids.
My brother is threatening to never let me see his kids if I don’t do the session.
ETA: My brother called and texted me a bunch and left a voicemail apologizing and asking me to call when I got the chance (that’ll have to wait for tomorrow).
From his text message: I guess they had the scary doctor talk about what genetic testing they should do (we have other things that run in the family as well and my SIL’s side has a few conditions that they should test for) and my SIL was a little panicked which escalated things.
Then our mother got involved which takes things from 0 to 1 billion in 0.05 seconds. Why they didn’t do this genetics convo before getting pregnant, I don’t know but that’s a personal decision.
Also as for my brother telling me I’d never see the kids, my SIL found out and is appropriately tearing him a new one.
To add info: this is all way out of character for my brother. He’s the only family member I am really in contact with (I’m in low contact/no contact with most of the rest) so it threw me off.
I know he’s been having some mental health issues so I’m definitely going to check in on if that played a part when we talk (not an excuse, just worries me enough to consider the possibility).
My mom gaslit me about my health my entire life. She refused to take me to doctors when I needed to and denied that I was in any pain. She still denies I’m in pain and told me I’m being dramatic when I reached out about my diagnosis.
To everyone saying it should be obvious this is not on me, thank you – I’m working on overcoming decades of gaslighting around my health.
A final update: When I mentioned they are just now doing the genetics talk – apparently they had gone through family history prior to trying to get pregnant and they have things that would be good to know but wouldn’t stop them from having a child so they figured they had time to do all the b***d work.
With the exception of my disorder which my SIL explicitly said to my brother, she would want more information on because she knows how much it affects me (I’ve had 7 surgeries just trying to keep basic function and relieve pain and am on crazy medications just to manage).
They had that conversation a few years ago when I was diagnosed and told them about it. With some digging, my brother finally confessed he was worried about the outcome and insert a whole bunch of struggles based on how we were raised in regard to medical issues so he scheduled and got tested a while ago (it can take a few months to get results with all the labs being at capacity) but never went to get his results.
Then SIL got pregnant a little sooner than expected and has been worried which stressed my brother out.
Basically, SIL and brother will go get results asap. I’ve asked for some space so I’ll go no contact for a bit and set firmer boundaries.
SIL agreed and dropped off homemade shortbread cookies which is one of the few things I can currently enjoy eating and said she’d wait to reach out until after I do first. I told her baby updates were the exception because I’m not going no contact with my nieces/nephews (we should find out the gender soon!).
As for my mother, that’s a whole series of stories that I just don’t have the spoons to go into.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you went for genetic counseling it would be based on your medical information as an extreme case of syndrome X.
Your brother’s information would be entirely different, and therefore the information would be different. Going on a six-hour round trip, while in recovery from major surgery, at massive out-of-pocket expense wouldn’t do a blessed thing for anyone; especially not your niece who would not be inheriting your version of syndrome X in any case since she’s your brother’s child.
He can get his own counseling, which would be useful and relevant, or he can take several seats and practice keeping his lips pressed together.” MelodyRaine
Another User Comments:
“You have done your part here already.
You informed your brother that you have a genetic condition that he may be a carrier for/have a mild version of. That’s all you had a responsibility to do in this situation.
Also, you going to genetic counseling would not get him the information he needs anyway. Not only because you don’t yet know if he’s a carrier, but because you don’t know all of his wife’s medical and family history!
For the geneticist to give proper counseling, they need to build a complete picture of both parents. If you went, they could explain to you how the disease works from a general genetic perspective, but they couldn’t give you any meaningful insights into the risks to your future nieces/nephews.
They really are the ones who need to go.
And playing telephone with medical information is always a bad idea. Especially since you’re dealing with a lot right now as it is, so your ability to process and retain (to you) non-essential information is probably ruined. And you don’t know what questions your brother and SIL would want to ask, so what’s the bet they’d then get mad at you for not being able to answer their follow-ups?
Again: you have done your part. If they want to know more it is their responsibility to do the work, not yours.
NTJ.” TheWhiteBee42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they want you to organize, pay for and travel for hours while recovering from surgery for something that may not even affect them in the slightest and is of no use to you.
It sounds as though your brother is scared that he is a carrier and this way they can get the info from you and he doesn’t face the wrath of your SIL. I don’t think any doctor would advise this, if they want to find out if their child could have this medical condition he needs to be tested so the doctors are informed and aware of any complications that could arise.
Your Mom is wrong and the fact that your parents can’t even be bothered to be tested is just disappointing.
Put it in writing, and state that there are various sub-sets of your condition and while you have one your brother could have another.
Any information you receive about your condition then would not be relevant, there are also different risk factors for different genders. Is there any chance you could get a doctor to explain this to them?
Even ask to speak to their OBGYN about it if you feel comfortable, I know I was asked if some members of my family would allow their medical records to be opened and they signed a piece of paper allowing that to happen, perhaps you could suggest this to them again only if you are comfortable with it.
Encourage your brother to get tested and stress the importance of this to your SIL. If they want to know how it would affect their child the only way of knowing is to be tested and research themselves.” BarbarianSpoonie
3. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Get An Annulment?
“My best friend met a woman and they initially hit it off and started to see each other.
The woman is sweet and seems to care about my friend. The problem is her now 8-year-old daughter who despises my best friend. The way it was explained to me, the woman and the daughter’s father went through a bad break up and the daughter took it very personally and blames the mother for causing the breakup, she is the reason that the mother has remained single and she warned my friend about her daughter when they first met.
My friend was determined to make the relationship work and went out of his way to win the daughter over, even sitting her down to have a heart-to-heart with the daughter. The daughter quickly derailed that conversation by asking him if he had ‘slept with her mother yet’.
The conversation quickly got nasty and he stopped it before it went completely off the rails.
Despite all the toxicity, he persevered and after 1 year he proposed and she accepted and they started to plan the wedding.
Things went down after that and the marriage has been totally upended before it even started. The daughter ran away during the wedding ceremony, prompting a four-hour search that included the police before she was found hiding at a local park inside some playground tubing.
The ceremony had to be shortened and the daughter and grandmother had to miss it to keep her from screwing up the ceremony.
My best friend and his new wife had planned to drive and drop the daughter off with her father for the week while they went on their honeymoon, on the drive the daughter almost caused two accidents on the interstate, first by opening the door on a moving vehicle and attempting to combat roll out of the car at 70 MPH, causing my friend to slam on the brakes and almost cause an accident.
The second by unlatching her seatbelt and lunging and grabbing onto the steering wheel causing him to slam on the brakes and almost causing another accident. Then the cherry on top of this completely screwed up cake, the daughter slipping out of her father’s house and disappearing… again.
This prompted her mother and my friend to have to fly home after only 24 hours of a honeymoon to search for her daughter who was found at a friend’s house the next morning.
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back and my friend dropped his now wife and her daughter at their home and drove back to his house and stayed there. Every time they tried to talk, they are interrupted by the daughter and her fits.
I recently took him out for some beers with some friends and I suggested that maybe he should consider getting the marriage annulled since it doesn’t seem like he’s going to ever be able to be happy with his wife as long as the daughter is in the picture.
I felt bad for saying that and felt even worse that he not only thought about it but actually brought it up to his wife, which led to a fight and her calling me wanting to know which one of us put that idea in his head.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Acting up and giving attitude is one thing, but that demon child nearly cost them their lives and potentially the lives of others twice in a night and it doesn’t seem like she’s open to your friend and her mother being together.
The best recourse for all concerned is for them to separate and for the mother to concentrate on getting her kid therapy or something that will correct that behavior, now is not the time for her to have a romantic relationship with your friend or anyone.” clear-jade220
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Like others said, your friend knows what he signed up for. What you should have suggested is for the friend and his new wife to seek medical help so that the daughter has a chance of growing up to be a well-adjusted adult.
There can be some internalized trauma there that no one knows about and the only way she copes with her emotions is by acting out. She’s only 8 after all. She needs help that your friend and wife cannot provide on their own.” Z_Laurent
Another User Comments:
“How is he the jerk? He merely suggested it when he was talking to his friend, and not just a friend, a best friend. And if his friend didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t have brought it up with the wife.
Clearly, the friend has had enough.
The wife needs to deal with her trashy kid. I know everyone loves to coddle children but some kids need a wake-up call and some discipline. If she loves her dad so much, she can live with him instead of ruining her mother’s life.
Even if she is just acting up, there are consequences to actions and in this case, a good man has been driven to the end of his tether because of it. Just cause she’s a kid doesn’t mean there aren’t far-engaging consequences to her actions.
Definitely NTJ. It was just a suggestion and clearly one that stuck cause the friend brought it up. How is it his fault for trying to get his friend out of a horrendous situation?” Mood_Pleasant
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. That child needs help. She’s obviously struggling hard. They should all work together to get her into a better place. Everyone is going on with life and ignoring this girl in what is obviously a time of need.
An annulment isn’t going to put the girl in a better place, and your friend and his wife will be without one another. I get that you were probably just looking out for your friend.
He did marry this woman knowing all of this though, so it was a pretty insensitive piece of advice you gave.
You maybe should have suggested therapy for the girl instead, in my opinion.
Blending a new family is really hard.” Total-Being-4278
2. AITJ For Never Celebrating Holidays At My Mom's Again?
“So this happened in 2019, the holidays before we all stopped having holidays because of the global crisis so I really haven’t had to deal with it head-on yet, but I will at some point when we all get back to seeing other humans.
My husband, son and I headed up to my Mom and Step Dad’s for Thanksgiving for the actual holiday, which is kinda big for me because we usually just see them sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My Mom knew we were driving up after work and would get in late, so she made plans to do dinner with her friends and my Step Dad at a casino buffet. She said to tell her when we got to the halfway point so they could make sure they were home when we got there – all of this seemed very reasonable.
When we got to her house, they weren’t there and were not answering their cell phones. I had texted her as asked at the halfway point. We assumed they were on their way, and thought maybe they were driving and so waited around for about 20 mins in the driveway.
Still, no sign of them and no answer, and we needed to pee, so we went back up the road to a gas station and sat around for about half an hour inside, trying to call them.
Thought maybe they went to their house, so went back there – still no one home. Finally, my Step Dad answers my son’s phone call and gives us the code to their garage – they are still at the casino!
It’s now 10 pm.
I get into their garage, make my way through their dark and creepy basement, and let my husband and kid inside the house. To our horror, we find the turkey for tomorrow in the sink, warm to the touch!
Eww! I tell my son to go to bed, and my husband and I head to the only store in town, Walmart. They only have some turkey breast left, but hey, it’s better than nothing we figure, so we buy it and head back.
It’s 11 pm.
My Mom and Step Dad finally show up at 11:30 pm. They ‘won big’ and didn’t want to leave while they were winning. My mom also didn’t see the ‘big deal’ about leaving a fully defrosted turkey out in the hot house for hours.
She cooked and served it the next day to everyone but us, we cooked our breast.
She never apologized to me or us, and their ‘big win’ was $200. I’m her only kid, by the way.
It really hurts that my time with her is worth less than $200, and this is just kind of an extreme example of any time spent with her.
So, am I the jerk for never wanting to spend another actual holiday with her ever again, because I feel like my time is wasted and my presence is not appreciated?
How do I explain this to her in any way she’ll understand?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s taken me a lot of years to learn this myself but as an adult, you get to do whatever you are comfortable with, regardless of how other people perceive it.
However, there are some generally agreed-upon actions. When trying to navigate a situation like this it’s important to inform the other exactly what you are upset about and why and the level of upset it has caused. Don’t assume they know what they did or how badly it’s upset you, their life experience and tolerances may be different.
Then explain how a few things could have been different that would have made the whole situation tolerable. Like answering the phone, apologizing, and doing some research on food safety. Then offer a solution for the future, like having events at your house instead.
And finally stating that even though you love them, if a solution you’re comfortable with cannot be agreed to, you’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Don’t feel guilty for protecting your peace or mental health.
If you don’t, no one will. I wish you luck!” SleepiestPheonix
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – really?! This is it? This is the example you’re giving to never visit your mom again for a holiday.
Because they weren’t there to kiss your feet when you got there and didn’t follow guidelines on Turkey?
There are people whose parents treat them like trash, who use their children for funds, and who want nothing to do with their children and you’re THIS mad because she wasn’t where she said she would be because she got excited and was having fun?!?
Seems irrationally extreme to me.” ChaosNHamHam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your visit was an afterthought to them. They didn’t plan their night around your visit. If they knew they were going to be longer than expected, they could have told you at the halfway point and given you the garage code so you could get settled in and put the turkey back in the fridge at a reasonable time.
If you do decide to have holidays with your parents again, do it at your house on your terms. That way, the family isn’t waiting for hours or eating unsafe turkey. If they don’t show up because they got caught up at the casino again, hey more turkey for you.” lunapeachie
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. What your parents did is ridiculous and rude. I would be fuming if I drove in and had to wait like that.
However, you’re being a bit childish by saying ‘never again.’ It’s obvious you’re an only child since you seem to have this need to be doted on, and worshipped for your mere presence.
The best solution would be to express to your parents (without screaming at them) how they made you feel when they did this, and emphasize how rude you think it is to do that to anyone.
I assume they are older and don’t check their phones often, but tell them that, in the future when they’re expecting to hear from you, checking their phones at least once an hour isn’t too much to ask.” OkAssociation6413
1. AITJ For Making My Wife Reschedule Her Dentist Appointment?
“I (34 m) was asked by my wife (31 F) if I would drive her to a dental procedure (wisdom teeth removal) drop her off and the office would call when she was close to being done so I could get her.
I of course agreed. She asked if I could take a few hours off of work just to make sure I could take her. I assured her if I was dropping her off I didn’t need to.
Plus my job is very weird about last-minute schedule changes.
This week (the week of the appt) the office called and advised our dental insurance was coming up and expired. The entire week my wife was fighting with the insurance company and the dental office trying to figure out the issue.
Very long story short. My wife never changed her name with her insurance after we got married and that was causing an issue. Anyway.
The night before we hatched a plan to wake up extra early to get both of our daughters ready and go.
The oldest is a teen and wanted to get an extra hour of sleep and asked if she could get picked up at home after I dropped my wife off. No problem.
On the day of we get up, get dressed, get our 12-month-old ready for daycare, and hit the road.
We get to the office, I drop my wife off, and head out to get my baby to daycare on time. Wife calls. Says. ‘You can’t leave, Dr won’t do the procedure unless there is someone waiting for me here’.
I said ‘Honey can you ask if they can make an exception, I have the baby with me and we don’t have the diaper bag, also I don’t have my work laptop’. She paused and asked and said, ‘they said no’.
I then ask if they could reschedule for another day so I am prepared to wait.
She got the doctor to agree and left off visibly mad.
I ask her if she was okay.
She replies ‘No. I am mad at you. You are very selfish. I asked you to take some time off and you refused to and now I have to wait a month and a half to have my appointment.’
I reiterated that we had the baby in the car, I didn’t know I had to wait. I was sorry for not being more prepared.
She then said ‘I have nothing more to say to you’.
It’s been 10 hours since she spoke to me last.
I’m very confused. Am I in the wrong? I feel like if I have to ask I am.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the best you could given the timing (it being short notice meant it was a no-go for you to ask off work) and circumstances.
If you had waited and the baby had a blowout or something, the baby would have had to sit for a couple of hours in a p*********d diaper plus the older daughter was waiting to get picked up from home and would have been late to school.
The office should have communicated the requirements to your wife when she made the appointment (maybe they did and your wife overlooked that part or maybe they didn’t), but regardless of who ‘failed’ on that aspect, it was not you, so she has zero right to be mad at you for any of it.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They need you there in case something goes wrong. If your wife had the procedure and they couldn’t wake her up they would need to get you. They have no way of knowing if you’ll answer your phone or how far away you are.
They explain this all long before the procedure is done. You could have dropped your kid off at daycare and gone back to the dentist. Work is never more important than someone’s health.” Special-Attitude-242
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but make sure your wife knows how important she is. When people need a doctor or medical help they often are far more vulnerable than they realize.
I think she isn’t speaking to you because she feels less important than your work or other things. If she needs the extraction she may be in pain and is now living with the reality of how long she will be waiting in that pain.
As a frequent caretaker of my ill mother, let me tell you that those offices rarely tell you that your ride needs to wait with you. Everyone in the office was staring at her as she had to ask someone to be with her through this and then having to tell them no one in her life could be there for her right now.
No matter how much people love you, that will always be a thorn in your side. Talk to your wife and make sure she knows how important she is to you and just apologize.
Bluntly tell her that you’re sorry, the appointment was important to you too and the situation sucked.
Next time you’re going to take off work and be with her the whole time (and offer to take her to lunch/out before or after).
Tell her you felt bad when she left the office and couldn’t see the doctor. You love her and you never wanted this to go that way. Once she knows that then make sure you say ‘honestly I can’t believe they didn’t tell us that, they have to assume we both have jobs’ make sure to be clear in the US statement.
You’re not the jerk for trying to be there for your family, take care of your child, and work. Neither of you is. Both of you were placed in an awful spot and wanted to be with each other and couldn’t.
There’s no need to fight about that, make sure she knows how much you love her and that together you’re going to make sure she has the appointment. Join forces and blame the office.
Always remember this, why be mad at your partner when you could be mad together at someone/something else.” mysticalmac99
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Wisdom teeth removal is not, in fact, a ‘dental procedure’ as you described it.
It is literally surgery, done by an oral surgeon and not a dentist. You titled this ‘reschedule dentist appointment’ like it is a cleaning or something. It is a SURGERY. And you didn’t ASK your wife to reschedule – you FORCED her to, giving her no choice whatsoever about it.
Right?
She asked you to take a few hours off work for her surgery, and you refused. And tried to convince her – and yourself – that it would be okay. You gambled. You were wrong.
You say your job is very weird about ‘last-minute schedule changes’ but her surgery was scheduled at least a week ahead, from what you have said here, possibly longer. So it was not a last-minute request actually, was it?
You apologized because you did not KNOW you had to wait – but your wife had ASKED you to plan to wait for her and you turned her down. I would imagine she felt hurt at the time that you couldn’t be bothered to wait for her during a surgical procedure (which for some is quite minor, but for others is MUCH more invasive and she had no way of knowing what kind of shape she would be in).
I’d imagine she is currently in some level of discomfort because most people don’t decide on a whim to get their wisdom teeth out at age 31.
So now – you declined your wife’s request to stay while she was having oral surgery to ensure she wasn’t stuck waiting for you after the procedure, and now the whole thing is postponed for six more weeks where presumably she will still have some discomfort this whole time.
Granted, you did not know they would require you to stay. But why is it taking the surgeon’s office to force you to wait for – what, an hour? Two, at most? – for your wife?
Your wife is mad and not only because of the delay. She is mad you did not care enough to wait with her for an hour or two, and now the situation has snowballed. I’d sincerely apologize if I were you, AND when her new surgery day arrives?
Plan to take not just those few hours off. Plan to take the day AFTER off work too, to help with the kids and to bring her ice packs for her face and to bring her soft foods so she can keep her meds down, and to bring her the meds, etc etc. Maybe she will get lucky and it will be no big deal. But if it IS a big deal – you should be caring for her so she can rest and heal, and caring for the kids so she CAN rest and heal as well.
This is not the worst mistake a husband has ever made, to be clear. But the message you inadvertently sent your wife is that she is not that important, and timely healthcare for her is optional in your eyes.
If I were you I would spend some time making sure that she knows that is NOT the case, and that you care very much about her and her health, and that you will do your best to make it up to her and then prove it with your actions.
(And seriously schedule work off the day after her surgery six weeks from now if there is any way to make that happen which doesn’t jeopardize your job).
It surely does not sound so bad when you phrase it as ‘I asked my wife to reschedule a dental appointment’.
In reality, you forced your wife with zero notice to reschedule an outpatient surgery because you did not want to wait for 1-2 hours. That is a whole other thing, and it is not a good look for you.
Good luck.” funchefchick
